People Are Shaking In Their Boots Over These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories

"I (F27) live with my partner (M27). We were classmates at uni, both have the same degree and work in the same field (IT). We earn similar salaries (mine is bigger by 300€/month), split rent and utilities 50/50, and groceries 40/60 as he eats much more than I do.

I work from home while my partner works from the office by choice. He had a hard time when he was working from home because he is very social and likes chatting with people while I prefer to concentrate and work in complete silence so that I can be done with work earlier (neither of us has fixed hours).

Our day looks somewhat like this: we wake up at ~7. I grab a coffee and head straight to the computer, concentrate hard, and work without distractions. By 12-1, I'm usually done with work and am semi-free (I don't leave home and have notifications on my phone in case someone needs me because most of my coworkers start to work much later than I do).

My partner wakes up at the same time, heads to the shower, eats breakfast and goes to work by public transit, which takes him 40-50 minutes one way. He starts work at ~9.30 and comes home no earlier than 19 (more like 20.30 on the days he goes to the gym).

Eats, packs his lunch, washes his dishes, and goes to bed soon after.

Now, chores. I cook lunch and dinner (different meals) every day. My partner has severe allergies and doesn't eat nonhome-made food. I also do all the grocery shopping and planning, laundry, and small jobs here and there (like cleaning the counters or dusting).

My partner is responsible for weekly vacuuming, moping, changing sheets, deep cleaning the bathroom, and deep cleaning the kitchen. I spend 1.5-2 hours doing chores every day while my partner opts to do all his share on a Saturday or Sunday. It takes the better part of his day, which he is currently complaining about.

He wants me to help with his chores so that he can be done with them earlier. He feels it's unfair I get so much free time while he barely has time to scroll his phone or read a book in the evening. I think it's his choice to work from the office and I'm not responsible for it.

He would save at least 1.5 hours daily on commute alone. He pointed out he was depressed when he had to work from home, which, again I don't think has anything to do with me or my free time.

He thinks I'm being selfish by not wanting to help him out.

Being together means helping each other according to him. I asked how is it that he helped me then. I previously lived alone and it was cheaper (didn't have to spend so much on groceries because I don't have dietary restrictions and am a tiny person who doesn't eat much). I don't want to spend more time on chores than I used to when I was alone on top of that. All so that he could have it easier than he would if he was living alone. I have the time and could easily help him with chores, but frankly, I'd much rather read a book or go for a walk instead. AITJ?"

Another User Comments:

" He invented his problem and now he wants her to change her life to fix it. He chooses to go into the office every day, so she has to give up her free time. Commuting and gym are how he *chooses* to spend his free time.

He commutes 1.5 hours a day while she does chores for 1.5 hours a day. Yes, relationships require compromise and give/take. He’s mad because she has a great schedule that uses her time wisely and he doesn’t. He wants her to give more without any compromise or giving on his end. NTJ. He’s an adult, he has to figure out his schedule. Working from home 1-2 days a week would probably fix his issues." venus_4938

Another User Comments:

"NTJ I saw that you proposed switching up responsibilities and he didn’t want to. He wants you to keep handling meals which account for his dietary restrictions, he wants you to keep doing shopping, etc. He wants you to take on more of his work so he can go to work and have some fun chit-chat and still have more free time.

Perhaps if it’s an option, he can work from home a day or 2, and with that added free time, he can just get some of the chores done then. Edit: I just saw that he refuses to do that too. Sheesh." paul_rudds_drag_race

Another User Comments:

"NTJ Both of you have created your days by your own choices. You work from home; he, from the office. You spread out your chores over a week; he does everything during a single weekend day. As a result of those choices, you have both weekend days free; he does not.

If you look at the tasks that you've agreed to perform and the amount of effort required to do them, they do seem similar. He could (a) rearrange his schedule so that he can spread out his tasks over a week, the same as you, and/or (b) hire someone to do the weekly deep cleaning that he is supposed to do." Individual_Ad_9213