People Ask Us To Carefully Evaluate Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

"We (I, M43; Partner, M39) have recently moved to Hong Kong.

A colleague introduced us to two queer migrant couples - Jay & partner, and Kay & partner. Jay and Kay are both in the same line of work though in different institutions.

We have met 3 times, at each others' homes, visiting parties marking festive occasions. The visits were easy, low-key, and fun.

2 weeks ago, Kay and Jay sent me a WhatsApp message asking if my partner and I would be interested in joining a combined birthday party for their partners, who are turning 45 and 50 a few days apart.

I agreed on a message that we would love to join them for the celebrations and share the special day.

On confirming over a message, I got an email invite, telling us of the exclusive wine cellar they have booked, and the itinerary for the evening which included unlimited wine tasting (we don't drink liquor), a 3-course menu (with only 2 dishes suitable to my diet) and instructions to wire 995 HKD (130 USD) per person to pay for the party.

The email also insisted that we confirm our attendance and wire the payment by the end of the day because they have a 'waitlist of guests' that they could then accommodate. Within 2 hours of getting the email, we decided that we were not going to spend this money on a party like this.

To put it in perspective, 260 USD would be more than our 2 weeks of groceries and food. We also felt like being asked to pay for somebody's party when it was not mentioned in the original invite, was unusual. Our cultural experience (Dutch, Indian, US American) does not have this as the norm.

I replied to their email and politely declined the invite. I cited a scheduling conflict (we had tentative other plans anyway) because I did not want to spoil their mood with my reasons. I offered that in the days before or after the birthdays, we would love to meet in person, bring cake, and celebrate their special days.

I got an angry reply 3 days later that canceling after agreeing is unacceptable. Apparently, they need a minimum of 40 guests for the event, and now they are 2 people short because we canceled. They said, that instead of buying cake and gifts, they would rather we pay for the party.

I reminded them that I canceled within 3 hours of receiving the email, well before their deadline. I apologized that they had logistical issues, but remained firm that we were not paying for the party.

There was no reply. Then today, my colleague who introduced us, met me at lunch and asked me why I was behaving like this.

I explained the situation to him, and he said, I was being stingy because I could easily afford this - given that we earn the same salary and he and his partner went for it. He told me that the consensus in the group was that we were jerks and miserly for not contributing and being good sports.

I am trying to figure out where we goofed up, and if indeed we turned out to be jerks, and what we could have done differently."

Another User Comments:

"No. They're the jerks. Sounds like they needed you and your partner because they didn't have enough people.

The fact they didn't tell you it was going to cost two weeks of your pay upfront makes it obvious they intended to trick you and tried to rely on a 'guilty conscience' (which you have no reason to feel) for declining a birthday invite after you'd accepted. ('cause who does that?) However, you clearly would not have accepted the party invite had they provided the pertinent info upfront. They took the opportunity for you to deny the request for a perfectly acceptable reason and now are trying to make you look like a jerk. That was manipulative and messed up on the birthday couple's part. They, and their whole 'group,' are absolute jerks. Screw those awful clowns. You shouldn't be speaking to any of 'the group' anymore." Lurkesalot

Another User Comments:

"NTJ. They invited you, you said you wanted to come. Got the details, but they don’t work for you. End of story. It is entitled to expect that people who you don’t have a close relationship with and you don’t know their personal situation (while they might know your salaries, they don’t know your expenses and dependents, your financial plans, etc) shell out any money, let alone the equivalent of 2 weeks of groceries, to attend your party, especially when they can’t engage in the main activity (drinking and eating).

That may be the way that group of friends behaves, so it’s not unusual for them, but it doesn’t mean it is usual for everyone else. It is their problem if they choose an activity that requires 40 people minimum when they don’t have at least 50 good friends and family. That was THEIR choice, you don’t owe them anything. You didn’t make a commitment to attend knowing all the details (from what I understood you didn’t even have the date).

If they make a big deal out of this, which looks like they already did by informing other people and asking them to put pressure on you, they don’t seem like people you should further develop a friendship with." Yrene_IV