People Are Convinced We Can Help Them Solve Their “Am I The Jerk?” Dilemmas

"I (34F) have been estranged from my mother Rachel for over 2 years.

She was a horrible mother growing up and encouraged the fights between my brother and me (physical) so she could swoop in, save me, and say that she helped me. She did a lot of other things like groom me against my father when they got divorced and isolated me from friends saying she was the only one I needed. I'll spare the rest and say when I became ill, she yelled at me for not talking to her because she was soooo worried. I had no voice. After that and fat shaming me, I went no contact. The family has been divided with some understanding it and a lot calling me a jerk for it.

Enter my fiance Liam (36M) and my grandma Hailey (93F). Liam first of all is my treasure.

We met at an old job 6 years ago and hit it off. Long story short we got engaged. He initially didn't understand the NC but is behind me 100%.

Hailey however is old fashioned. She believes that forgive and forget and has insulted me a lot for ruining the family.

I let it go a lot because she's older and I wanted to respect her so I put up with so many insults. Last night however I put my foot down. When I was discussing wedding plans I made it clear my mom was not invited. I also mentioned I was going to see Liam's family for the holidays. She gave a snarky comment saying they're the only family I have now and I lost my cool. I told her they're the only one I need and she got quiet and basically ended the call quickly. For context, Liam's family is the best and has welcomed me with open arms. I feel I may be a jerk because she's an older woman who hates broken families but you don't insult my fiance and his family like that. So AITJ?"

Another User Comments:

"NTJ. I personally believe that your family is who you choose and chooses you back, not simply your blood. It's understandable that your grandmother feels the way that she does, given her generation that is common. Her comment was coming from a place of hurt it seems, but that doesn't make it okay.

You continue to allow only those that welcome you and treat you with kindness, don't allow any potential guilt to steer you away from that." Informal-Condition45

Another User Comments:

"NTJ. Protecting oneself and those we love isn't just a right; it's a responsibility. There's a stark difference between stooping to someone's level and taking a stand against disrespectful behavior.

Your engagement creates a new family unit that deserves peace and respect. It's clear this pattern of hurtful comments goes beyond this single incident and has deeper roots in continuous neglect and abuse of boundaries. Setting clear limits with your grandmother and any other family member who disrespects these boundaries is crucial to your mental health and the health of your relationship with your fiancé. Remember, being related by blood doesn't grant anyone a free pass to be abusive. Stay firm, communicate your standards, and surround yourself with those who support and uplift you." Portia_Whitecotton

Another User Comments:

"NTJ. Your actual family sounds like a toxic nightmare, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with removing yourself from them for your own well-being.

A lot of people are afraid to do this because of “family”, but in my experience, sometimes the best family you can have is the one you build, be it actual family or close friends you find along the way. It sounds like you have a great family and support system now in your fiancé and his family. I think you’re making the right choice and I think you should have nothing to feel bad about with calling your family out on it." LIRUN21-007