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"My (39m) partner (35f) and I have been together for one year. She lives over an hour away and we can only see each other on weekends (she doesn't have a car or license & has to take the train, that's another story). When we first began the relationship I made it clear to my ex that I still wanted to see our shared pigeon, for instance, having my ex drop the pigeon off for weekends or when she goes somewhere. She was highly against it & understandably so, but she reluctantly agreed. I am empathetic to the fragility of the situation & try to handle it with care (my partner loves the pigeon btw). Fast forward to recently, we were in our home, just doing home stuff when she told me we needed to talk. Apparently, she went into my phone (I don't know how) & discovered several messages from my ex (going back 6 months). The context of the messages was about an upcoming trip she was taking, whether I could watch the bird, an injury to the bird & a couple of cordial how are you doing/what's new, etc. Nothing bad. I try to be blunt with her. No nefarious activity to report. She (my partner) took pictures of the messages & forced me to call my ex to tell her to stop texting me & that I can't see the bird. She proceeded to yell into the phone as I'm trying to balance this. Granted I never call my ex, just text. She then gave me an ultimatum, her or my ex, & threatened to leave. I do empathize with her & understand her position, but I feel she overstepped here. I would not have done the same if positions were swapped. Then she texted her with a brief "stop texting, keep to yourself, move on", etc. Anyway, the situation has obviously created some tension. Her culture is "no contact with your ex, whatsoever" + she has been burned in the past by an ex leaving her for his ex. With that in mind, I'm being extremely delicate & giving her leeway. But I feel like I'm walking on ice & constantly "guilty" for stupid irrelevant things. It's toxic but I'm trying to give her some space to work through it. We all have insecurities we have to deal with. AITJ?" Another User Comments: "YTJ, but only because you're allowing your partner to control you. It's unusual, but you and your ex share custody of a pigeon. Just like a kid, you need to communicate about the care of that pet. Major, major red flags that she's allowing her past trauma to influence her current relationship so much so that she's already invaded your privacy to prove NOTHING has happened. She gave you an ultimatum. She's telling you who she is, and I doubt this will be the last time she tries this." NotCreativeAtAll16 Another User Comments: "NTJ. Speaking as a woman who is engaged to a man who has kids with his ex, the bird is like your kid. My fiance hates his ex, but he has to deal with her for his kids. I don't know if it's the same for you, but most don't like their ex. Your bird is the connection to your ex, and I don't believe you'd be in contact with her still if you didn't have the bird (from what I'm reading). She needs to understand that from your side because you've been very understanding from her side." Defiant-Orchid1425 Another User Comments: "NTJ. She's apologizing because she doesn't want you to end the relationship. That doesn't mean she will change. She isn't and doesn't have to. This is how she acts now, imagine as your relationship progresses how she'll feel about female friends and co-workers. Worse when you're married. She has serious insecurities that she needs to deal with. But, if you're okay with never having other female associates and friends, stay with her. Don't even look at another woman while you're together." Mother-Sound-1390
