People Ask Us To Hear Out Their "Am I The Jerk" Narratives

"My (29 M) partner (25 F) comes from a very traditional culture. Being in a relationship is generally frowned upon and her family does not know we are in a long-term relationship.

Because of this, it is common for her to be unable to attend events/travel with my family/friends, or invite me to events with her family/friends.

For NYE, my partner was going to be celebrating with her community. They celebrate every year, however; due to a death in the family, they were not celebrating this year.

We just found out they wouldn't be celebrating about ~1.5 weeks ago. Upon learning this, I told my partner I wanted to celebrate with her because we never get to celebrate, and she responded with 'We'll see, I'm not sure'.

I brought it up 2 more times, and she gave the same response.

This is normal for us, due to her traditional background. She has to come up with excuses any time she is away from home, so she often doesn't confirm plans with me until 1-2 days before some get-together or event. Sometimes, she never updates me, so I wait around to get an answer from her and never receive one until I bring it up.

For this situation, my friend informed me earlier this week that he would be doing a get-together for NYE. This isn't a 'party' by any means. It's maybe ~10/12 of us and some significant others. But the majority are guys and we've all known each other for years.

It's common for us to do cookouts, movie nights, etc together. I told my friend that I would attend his get-together, but my partner is unsure if she will be able to attend.

My partner is now saying that I was a jerk because I RSVP'd for myself without her, and told them she would 'let me know' when she can (even though she sometimes never even gives me any answer).

In her mind, because I did that, it 'makes no difference whether she's there or not because I already confirmed' and I 'act like I'm single because I go to these events by myself'. My partner said this as she was on the way to the club to go out with her friends, but says I 'act like I'm single'.

I feel like I am not a jerk because my friend wanted to confirm as many people as possible so they could plan the get-together accordingly, and I planned to go to the get-together even if my partner couldn't attend, because we originally weren't going to celebrate together in the first place, keeping in mind that this isn't some 'house party', it's a group of ~8 guys that all know each other, and 2 of their partners.

She has now broken up with me for the nth time because of this. So... AITJ?"

Another User Comments:

"I fully understand that different cultures have different norms and values. I also understand that when you love someone you will make allowances for that person that you wouldn't necessarily make for everyone.

But friend... Secrets and relationships that families don't know about rarely end well. Her struggles between being with you and being (superficially) true to her family's traditional values may be getting to her. She needs very much to figure out what she wants and be honest with everyone about what is going on. I get the impression she is struggling. That said, you responded to the invitation the way you should. You can go, she is not sure. I am not sure what she thought was better. Sit at home like a bump and be miserable while she does something without you? Be happy that she broke up with you. You deserve better. NTJ" Snickerdoodle2021

Another User Comments:

"NTJ. Her behavior sounds manipulative, on top of the cultural issues. The double standard of her being able to go to the club but you not being able to commit to your friends, the tactic breaking up instead of talking it out, the delay in telling you her availability until you ask, or not telling you at all, all of this speaks to controlling behavior on her part.

She wants the best of both of her worlds, the conformity to her family's cultural customs, and you at her beck and call. Only you can decide if this is what you want for the long term. One of these times, you might consider taking her break up at face value. Have you even met her family?" FiberKitty