People Are Tense In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories

"My (36) brother (38) and I have a tumultuous relationship but are acting as joint Power of Attorneys and Executors of our mother’s (66) Will.

Our mother has been in a care facility with severe MS and early-onset dementia for the last 2 years. I live in a different province while my brother lives in the same city.

He lived with our mom rent-free before she went into care and yet it was my aunts and uncles that eventually phoned me to address their concerns with her health. They even questioned how healthy their living together was. He and I have never had a relationship for many reasons.

When she went into care we found out she had significant debt and we sold her condo to pay it off she now has a fixed amount to pay for her care and accommodation until she passes. What is in her accounts is all that’s left.

My brother has always been terrible with money. Even after everything she has done for him, I see he pays himself back from her account for say $20 he spends on the soft drinks she requests. Something I find petty.

My stance is every penny she has is to be used to support herself until she passes.

This has not stopped him from asking to borrow money for a down payment, to invest, money to cover stolen tools, etc. all of which I have denied. This last request has me questioning if I’m the jerk though.

Today he said he visited Mom and she wanted to give him $500 for a birthday gift for my 15-year-old niece.

I immediately said I wasn’t comfortable with this. In my son’s 2 years of life (she’s not all there so I don’t blame her) she has not given him one gift, let alone all the time and memories my children won’t have with her. When he was born she offered $500 to buy him a crib but I refused.

I told him I thought it was best if we just left it, as I didn’t think it was fair to my children and I didn’t think it was in her best interest to be spending $500 on birthday gifts.

As expected he lost it. Yelling at me that they were always close (she was the only grandchild for 13 years), that she was struggling with her grandma being in the hospital (she hadn’t visited her in years), asking if I wanted to be responsible for not giving her a gift and that I was a jerk because this wasn’t about me and him but about her.

I feel like a jerk because I don’t want her to suffer, and the situation is unpleasant all around, but I also don’t think that’s fair to my children.

AITJ?"

Another User Comments:

"NTJ. This is not something your mother came up with on her own and that is why you are wisely refusing the request. Honestly, it doesn't sound like your brother is fit to have POA if he is trying to use it to lend himself money, etc." JeepersCreepers74

Another User Comments:

"NTJ. You will be if you don't get some legal assistance and get your brother ousted from being POA. You have the evidence. He's going to bleed her dry, then claim he can't pay for her care and it'll be on you.

Get an elder care lawyer like yesterday." disney_nerd_mom