People Give Us The Facts Of Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

"My husband and I live 3k miles away from my family for background.

So my daughter, who is four months old, was born with a very serious heart defect that we knew would require open-heart surgery shortly after birth.

We are fortunately able to put it off until this April to give her more time to grow. My mother has been very much in the loop of this timeline and has known since Christmas time that her surgery would be in April.

In March, she randomly called me up saying she was going to fly down and visit us in April with her long-time partner.

I reminded her our daughter will be having surgery around then and that it’s important she’s not exposed to extra germs, etc. She casually tells me that she already bought tickets and tells me she’ll be here between x and y dates. I was not asked, I was told.

I should clarify that they are strictly coming to visit, not help out with my other kids during my daughter’s surgery. She wants to visit the beach, go to the aquarium, etc while they’re here. I’m expected to play hostess.

I was annoyed af at this point, but let it roll off my shoulders. If she happens to be here when her surgery is taking place (and the 1+ weeks she’ll be inpatient afterward recovering) her loss. I'm absolutely not leaving my daughter’s side and it’s her wasted trip.

Yesterday, I got a text from my grandpa (also not local) stating he’ll be coming down that week too along with two other aunts for my mom’s wedding. I was completely blindsided by this wedding. I was informed that my aunts will all be meeting up at my home on specific dates/times related to wedding stuff.

Have I mentioned my daughter is having an OPEN HEART SURGERY during that time? I texted my mom for clarification and she laughed it off saying 'Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you we decided to get married while we’re down there.'

I’m livid at this point.

Livid that I found out through my grandpa, and that I wasn’t asked first. Livid that my mom is putting my daughter's health at risk by trying to expose her to a ton of new people right before a life-threatening surgery. Livid that at no point did she stop to think that I might just want to focus on my daughter and the fact that they were stopping her heart that week instead of a stupid wedding that was planned at the last minute.

WIBTJ for calling my mom out? I guess I really just want her to know how hurt I am that she’s valuing her trip and wedding more than my daughter’s health and my own struggles. I’ve literally never felt more unimportant to her than I do now.

She just literally doesn’t seem to care about what we’re all going through, and I want her to know it for no other reason than I just want to be heard. At the same time, another part of me just wants to bite my tongue and not ruin her day."

Another User Comments:

"NTJ. Of course, you are not. Your family sounds very entitled and thoughtless. Perhaps they think that the surgery can be put off or isn’t serious because you were able to wait a while. It should be obvious this is major surgery and how frightening it is for you all especially while you nurtured your child so she could get strong enough for the operation.

I suggest you write to everyone saying something like... In April our daughter is having her open heart surgery. As you know she has been waiting for this life-saving operation since she was born and her doctors feel she is now strong enough to have the surgery.

The medical team is being very strict with us about health protocols and we won’t be able to host anyone during that time or have visitors. We will be at the hospital of course and so won’t be able to see you all when you are in (state) for Ma’s surprise wedding. We are sorry to miss the occasion but will FaceTime in for the ceremony and look forward to celebrating later when our little girl is safely through her operation and recovery. Please keep her in your thoughts at this time.

If you can make them feel guilty for putting themselves before a sick child - good!

Best wishes to you and your little one and hope all goes well." au5000

Another User Comments:

"YWNBTJ, but - honestly - you have much more important things to focus on right now. This is why I urge you to lock your home down like a fortress and block out any and all distractions during this time.

Inform your family that you will not be hosting, attending, or participating in anything between x and x dates (or after x date if the recovery period is open-ended). Tell them in no uncertain terms that you will permanently cut off anyone who attempts to come by your house or the hospital and you will block anyone who attempts to guilt trip you into anything. Basically, they may be in your town for this random surprise wedding, but they need to forget you exist while they’re there.

Clearly, your mom has some serious issues and you may have to call her out on it at some point, but all you can really do is control what you do and what you allow, so focus on shutting all of that craziness out and focusing on what’s most important: your baby and your immediate family.

I hope your daughter’s surgery goes smoothly, accomplishes everything that’s needed, and that she recovers quickly and well. And, as a mom who has dealt with those out-of-body conversations before, I send you peace, hope, and healing. You were made for this and will make it through." SunshineShoulders87