“I (17f) am planning to move out as soon as I turn 18. To provide context, I’ve been living in a mentally abusive household, to be more specific a narcissistic & neglectful dad, he refuses to provide funds for toiletries, food, etc. My stepmom is the one who currently provides those necessities but even then, that’s not much. We lived in poverty for such a long time, that we relied on governmental assistance until we got cut off because my dad made too much money. Lately, I found out that as soon as he received his paychecks, he would send the funds to his partner or send funds for building his house in his home country.
Ever since I was 14 I had to watch my siblings (2m & 3f currently) as I was the only person in the household who had the time to watch my siblings so my stepmom and dad could go to work. I realized the toll it was taking on my mental health and the amount of “me” time I needed, I tried convincing my parents to at least give me some days where I don’t watch the kids. They both refused. My stepmom says that it’s up to my dad and she needs to work, and my dad said that as a woman and sister, I needed to be the one to watch them and not anybody else.
He absolutely refuses to spend more funds than he should on his kids. Even though he makes a sufficient amount of funds to afford a babysitter or even take days off of work he refuses. As I juggled with schoolwork and babysitting, my grades slipped, I fell into depression, and all of a sudden had urges to run away from my responsibilities. Now that I was turning 18 I made a promise to myself to move out ASAP. After I contacted my bio-mom she agreed to let me stay with her but I have to wait till I turn 18.
I have a close relationship with my stepmom as we both bonded over my dad’s mental abuse, I told her that I’m planning to move out soon and she should make plans to find a way to babysit the kids. All of a sudden she is saying that she doesn’t want to be selfish, but she doesn’t have anyone else to watch the kids, and my dad would refuse to contribute any of his time or money to the kids. Now I feel kind of guilty as I feel like I’m abandoning my stepmom and siblings as my dad would become more aggressive towards my stepmom and accuse her of “pushing me away” but I really want to get a job, go to the library or just be by myself after all the years I’ve been watching my siblings. For once in my life I just want to be responsible for myself.
So would I be the jerk for moving out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your responsibility to take care of your own life and make choices that lead to the future you want and deserve, create healthy relationships and an education and career for yourself. You have your own gifts to discover and develop and share, and this is your time to do that. Your stepmom is going to have to make adult decisions to care for the 2 kids she chose to make with a deadbeat unfaithful man. She is an adult and there are resources she can access to help her get out of the situation she’s in and give your 1/2 siblings a different life and future, but it’s not your job or your decision, you didn’t get a vote in any of this. You do get a vote on what you want to work for your future to become. Go live your own life with a clear conscience.” Antelope_31
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are mistreating you. They don’t allow you to be a teenager even. There is too much burden you have on your shoulders and you are aware that it might not end very well for you. You are making the right decision. I did the same, no regrets. They don’t care about you. You mentioned that your father doesn’t contribute enough for essential things but has enough to send to build a house. He could hire a babysitter but no. He could take the day off but no. They don’t care about you. I grew up the same way. I tried to put an end to my life. My father died when I was 18 and then they blamed me because I was mentally ill and made my father binge drink and die. Became dependent on drinking because of that. People were mistreating me even more. I was mentally ill because I grew up in a way similar to you. I had dreams. But my father wasn’t honest about his payslip and there weren’t funds at home for essential things sometimes. I couldn’t go to uni because of that. I fought to get better. I ran away. I’m happy now.” snowflake_007
Another User Comments:
“Your stepmother is an active participant in your abuse. This is classic good cop-bad cop manipulation. One person treats you very badly, and the other person says, “Well, you better do what they say. Even though it’s really messed up because otherwise they’re gonna be mean to me.” Two adults are forcing you, a child, to handle their responsibilities and they’re so good at it, that you actually wonder if you’re a bad person for wanting to escape. That’s so sad. For the record: You are never, ever, wrong to leave an abusive person or situation. Your only mistake is warning them. If you don’t want to risk your dad being physically violent, just go to school one day after turning 18 and just don’t come home. Go to your mom’s, and only once there, call your dad and tell him you’re gone and not coming back. He will yell. Hang up on him then block his number. Then he’ll have your stepmom call to be the good cop. She will cry and she will beg and she will tell you lots of sad stories. But her goal is exactly the same as your dad’s goal to bring you back so you can be their slave. Also, you need to get your birth certificate and social security card before running. You will need both in life, so don’t risk them with your dad. NTJ. Good luck.” SpaceJesusIsHere
