“I’m (22f) and my younger (18 yo) brother announced to me that he’s going to give up on school and travel. He doesn’t have any budget for that, he’s not prepared to face the consequences of not knowing the laws of other countries and he really thinks he would be able to sleep in a tent anywhere he wants and hunt in the woods for food. No matter how calmly I was trying to explain that it’s not that easy and he should think about it for at least a year more, he’s still stuck up to his ‘adventure’. And it’s not like he can actually communicate with anyone on his way, because his English is lacking so much that he wouldn’t understand what I’m even writing here.
I’m so scared that something will happen to him so even though he asked me not to tell anyone from our family, I told my fiance all of it. It’s too much for me to carry it alone, especially since my brother and I were always very close. Unfortunately, now my fiance wants to tell our parents about that because he can’t stand the state I’m in right now, which is in a constant fear of how my little brother will survive. Adding to that, he was going to ask, my brother to be his best man at our wedding and now we’re not even sure if he’s still gonna be around to do so. I don’t know what to do and I’m starting to think that maybe I should tell our parents about all of this. It’s not like any of us can force him to stay but still. So am I the jerk for telling on my brother to my fiance and now thinking about going with this to the rest of the family?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but for now I’d keep it between yourselves (if the brother is going to be the best man then he must have a good relationship with your fiance).
Do some proper research together into just what is involved in extensive travel abroad – a lot of his prospective countries likely require entry visas which could include declaring up front how he would support himself during the stay if it’s beyond a usual ‘holiday’ duration, with deportation the reward for trying to live ‘off the radar’.
Present all this info to him in an even-handed, rather than pleading way. My take is that he’s feeling a bit lost at 18 and not sure his current path is right for him, so play along with his plan whilst outlining the difficulties, and he might find a new way forward.” Riquende
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – I can completely understand your brother’s point of view he is young with a strong sense of adventure. A big part of the fearlessness of youth comes from a sense of invulnerability. It is always hard to watch people do things that we think (or even know) are stupid or self-defeating. But to be fair if he is ever going to do something like this, now would be the time. When he is young and courageous enough to do it and a part of growing up is making your own mistakes and learning from them.
All that said that doesn’t stop people who are more grounded and understanding of the dangers around every turn from worrying. I don’t think you are a jerk for genuinely worrying about your brother. Honestly, I don’t even think you would be a jerk if you told your parents. Although I’m sure your brother would think you were one for betraying his trust.
What you have to ask yourself is what you can live with. Kinda do a risk assessment of both most probable and worse case scenarios with either decision and pair that with their likelihood of happening and decide what you would be able to live with. Do you break your brother’s trust and potentially wreck his dreams or cause a blow-up in your family if they forbid him and he goes anyway? Do you not say anything and then something actually happens and you have to live with the fact that you could have told?
I don’t have an answer here. I will say that it would be a complete jerk move if your fiancé told on him. I get that he cares about you and probably even him but it is totally not his place. If you are that concerned it should totally come from you.” SonOfSet1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
First, anytime someone says ‘don’t tell anyone from the family,’ they’re making the listener share their burden. And very rarely are the reasons for it good. In this case, I suspect the brother knows that everyone would try to talk him out of his fantasy, and doesn’t want to defend it. Did you have the option of not hearing his plans? Or did he tell you -then- demand secrecy?
Second, I think it’s actually too great a burden to put on one person. You shared it with the person close to you because you needed to.
I don’t know if the parents need to be told, so much as the brother told ‘I cannot keep this secret. I didn’t consent to keep the secret, and I don’t want to.’ But the brother IS of age.” Available-Love7940
