YTJ. A huge one since you say you’ve been working dosed as well. Someone who has been through this would know that no two people process grief the same, and that how they love and honor that lost person will vary person to person. You want them to forget their past, but their past is what made that person them, and that prior marriage and loss are a huge part of them. Huge part. When I started seeing people after I was widowed, it was an upfront thing that I have his momentos, a cremation pendant I wear, and his portrait tattooed on my arm. And I have his pictures. Anyone that can’t deal with that, and could not accept my past was told clearly they would not be welcomed. It was especially made clear to the man that became my husband after that. I could understand a little if you hadn’t been through a loss, that maybe you just didn’t get it. But if you have been, this makes you a huge gigantic jerk.
NTJ. You agreed on what to order, then they turned around and ordered something else trying to force you to eat and accept it. It may be an allergy, and I recommend being careful. Here’s why. Growing up, I didn’t like the smell or flavor of fish. It always made me a bit nauseated when we had any, which very luckily, was pretty rare. The older I got, and the more times exposed, the worse I got, until I would vomit rigorously, usually for a few days, I’d I had so much as a bite. My father insisted it was all in my head abd I just didn’t like it. A few years down the road, I had an appointment with my doctor, and along with that came the standard discussion of healthy eating habits, including fish. I sayd, “you know doc, every time I eat it I seem to get sick.” He asked me to explain, he told me in no uncertain terms that I indeed had a fish/seafood allergy, that I should carry an epi-pen and never eat it again. A few accidental exposures since, those symptoms are full anaphylactic symptoms, face, tongue and lip swelling, shortness of breath, chest tightness, etc. Your body tells you when there is an issue. Listen to it. No matter how much someone tries to bully you into it. NTJ.
Your mom won’t make everything ok for you, she will make everything ok for herself. Your so called father threw you out, as if you had anything to do with your mom cheating, and they essentially wrote you off and ignored you. On top of that you do have the right to seek answers about yourself and your heritage for many reasons. Sounds like your bio-Dad was always the better person, and it’s great that he abs his family are willing to accept you lovingly. You handing that dude if this family was not your fault, but certainly embracing them seems like the right thing. NTA. But your mom and non-bio Dad are.
YTJ. You said he’s allowed to choose, but I’m guessing from this he’s only allowed to choose if he chooses you? He chose you last year abd had a very unhappy and uncomfortable time, which it sounds like you did nothing to negate. Even if he hadn’t had that poor experience it’s expected he might want to see his biological father for a Christmas now and then, especially since his fathered cared enough to try to make it special for his own son, instead of what you did the year before. For which you are doubly the jerk. Let your son go with his father, enjoy your holidays with your in-laws and their family the way they do it, and button it up. Stop acting like a spoiled child because you were not chosen this year.