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I don’t think you’re the jerk, but as a parent I’d be disappointed.
NTJ. It’s illegal to tamper with people’s food. If she had an allergy would you think differently? I wish I had her ovaries.
We have a trans relative. We loved them before they transitioned and after they transitioned, so although I understand the dead name issue, we loved “deadname”. I don’t even think this person changed that much after transitioning so to me they’re just the same person with a different name and gender. We don’t hate the deadname, and welcome the new name. I don’t think mom means anything by wanting to keep the tatoo. She loved her child before and still does. “Deadname” was her child and that was the past. Seems she is trying to embrace the future. I feel like OP needs to give mom a break.
I probably wouldn’t marry this guy. Make her a junior bridesmaid or something if you decide to go ahead with it. Yikes.
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