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NTJ - and you hung on for way too long. Should've left after the ice cream saga.
YTJ - however you have been groomed for this your whole life so I can understand this. There's a reason why your sister hasn't spoken to your mother for 10 years. You may also be the golden child who is easily manipulated. You can ask your mother to come with you to your husband's family's Christmas. But only if she isn't going to make it miserable. If she's not going to make it miserable and chooses not to go, then it's on her. If she goes and it's an awful time... then you never make any more accommodations along these lines.
Soft YTJ. There may be many reasons why your brother has chosen this. Many parents would be happy to have a child free afternoon/evening with just your husband - bit like a date night. Don't make this about you. If you want the kids involved then they may very well be able to come to the wedding ceremony and the your baby sitters (husband's parents?) can take them home. You may have very well behaved kids... or you might think they are but no one else does. The reception may go for a long time and be boring for them so your brother is taking their needs into account. They may also not want to pay for 3 extra seats. At an expensive wedding venue, they could be paying > $100 per person (could be significantly more too). They won't be paying anything for a 4 month old that may be breastfed (or formula as their only nutrition). A 2 year old probably won't cost anything either. But at these places there usually isn't a distinction between a child and an adult and a kid can eat as much as an adult anyway.
NTJ but do you really want to go back to somewhere where you are made to feel so unwelcome. What does your husband think of the situation with his parents? Can he see what is happening? What's more important is his response to this. I would want to move somewhere they can't find you and say nothing. And cut all contact with them.
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