NTJ But since the kids are plenty old enough to understand, have a convo with the kids, tell them what's going and they are welcome to call you Mom if they want to but the decision is still theirs. And leave it at that. That way if anyone tries to do an end run the kids won't be caught blindsided by it.
"Not a problem! All Jana has to do to get us to name a baby after her is to drop dead!"
Hmm, I suspect there's more to this story. If the only cuts you are suggesting are to her pleasures, then yes, you're the jerk. If you are suggesting budget cuts to both of your pleasures then you're not. My late husband used to decide to clean house by getting rid of my stuff but not touching his stuff. He had some serious trash which he treasured but he thought it was okay put our wedding album away. I never asked him to get rid of his trash because I knew he treasured it, but he still felt it was okay to put our wedding shrine away without so much as mentioning it to me. So stop and look at what you are asking your wife to do. If you are giving up stuff of yours too then no, you're not being a jerk. But if you're asking her to be the only one to make a sacrifice, then yes, you are the jerk.
Holy cow! Totally NTJ! They were setting you up for a life of poverty and quite possible prostitution, jerk use, jerk, *and* doing their best to see your child(ren) ended up the same way. And *now* they've figured out your children are the only grandkids they are gonna get. Sucks to be them. As I'm sure they said when they kicked you out, they made their bed, they can lay in it.