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YWBTJ. Especially at this moment. She is grieving her husband's death! Put yourself in her shoes, would you really want to meet your late husband's ex and be told "I'm so sorry about your loss, by the way, this is his son. Did he get a chance to tell you before he died?" Like seriously? From the sound of it, they didn't even have kids which would devastate her even more to hear that you have a piece of him she will never get to experience now! The grandparents know-LET THEM BE THE ONES TO TELL HER. I PROMISE you, she will be 1000x more receptive to them than to some stranger (you-because you are a stranger to her.) Let the grandparents know that they can give her your contact information and let her come to you. She may never want to talk to you, or who knows, it could turn out like some hallmark movie and you guys become the best of friends. Either way, it has to all be on her terms. Any direct involvement from you beforehand will be met with hostility and most likely misplaced anger. Don't be the jerk that causes her even more pain during all of this.
I'd say solid mix of NTJ, Slight YTJ, and no jerks here. Ntj for being a genuine parent and checking into the situation-your daughter felt a bit uncomfortable and you did right by her. Slight YTJ if you didn't ask Cassie if she was okay with you reaching out. She's 16, she might have just wanted to vent to you and then sweep it under the rug so there wouldn't be any awkwardness between her and Sarah going forward. If you wanted you to reach out, then complete ntj. No jerks here because it's just two different home life styles, and that's okay. Maybe that's just how their family works and the kids' other friends havent had any qualms. Yeah, it's a bit unusual, but if that's how it's always been at their house, then that's their normal. Just like how that is not how you run your house. Who knows, if you were to ever have Sarah over and asked Cassie to clean something, she might get up as well and ask what she could do, because that's the manners her parents installed. All in all, I personally would've left the issue alone and told Cassie that if she doesn't want to be in that situation, don't sleep over on Saturday night when chore day is Sunday morning. Simple and easy with no awkwardness.
YTJ. And a huge one at that. Firstly, for failing your daughter. You mentioned that you and your daughter went home, so I'm assuming she lives with you/is dependent on you-if her hair was that infested HOW HAVE YOU NOT NOTICED? Even if she never complained about how incredibly itchy her head was, you surely would've seen her scratching. Secondly, you make it seem like you're a regular at this salon, meaning you've established a relationship with them. Therefore, instead of going all the way to the top boss because your jerk are in a twist (due to your own negligence of your daughter), you should've had the respect to confront the manager about the situation. You got embarrassed for your daughter and wanted to defend her (which is reasonable), however I think the main motivation behind your act was the fact that you were embarrassed yourself-because your lack of care for your daughter was evident. I've had many friends whom have done hair, and they've all said the same thing: they will absolutely refuse service to customers coming in with disgusting or lice infested hair. It's well within their rights of service. So yes, you weren't just a Karen, you graduated to a higher level of Karen-ness. Most Karen's would've stopped at the manager, you went above and beyond and got someone fired. Congrats.
NTJ!!! I was in the COMPLETE SAME SITUATION AS YOU. Everyone here has already summed up why you're NTJ, so I don't need to make that point obvious. Just wanted to add how it played out for me and my siblings: we had no issue at all with our dad having a relationship with anyone (he's recently married my stepmom-whom we all adore), BUT we made it explicitly clear that we would, under absolutely no circumstances, be okay with him seeing his affair partner. Lucky for us, he listened and didn't go back to her. So overall, you are 100% in the right and if anyone is a jerk here, its first and foremost your siblings. I'm appalled for the lack of respect they are showing your mother. Yeah, your dads a jerk too for still seeing the woman, but maybe he's actually in love with her and assumes everything is fine since he's divorced (its obviously not-but thats where you and your siblings voices SHOULD be heard to point out to him his transgressions and how not okay the situation is). Stay strong and stay true, and personally, if it were me and my dad continued seeing his affair partner and thought we could all be a big happy family, this would be the hill I died on and would go no contact.
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