erho
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Mom's basically asking for right of first refusal should the daughter pass before she does. She has the right to do that, but the daughter has the right to say no to that caveat, at which point it's on mom whether or not she gives the money to her. If the daughter says no to giving her right of first refusal and mom gives the money to her anyway, she's waiving her rights to it after the daughter passes, whether she likes it or not. You can't uphold a contract that only one of the parties agrees to when that party is fully aware that the other party didn't agree.
FWIW, when someone starts up with the "I'm a horrible person" crap after being given constructive criticism, it's just another guilt trip to get the critic to apologize and butter them up.
Harshshrimp is definitely a jerk :P
I would put a happy spin on it. “Oh, you won’t be there? That’s one less plate/bottle of wine/etc. we have to pay for.” Or if I was really feeling sarcastic, “that means less drama that I have to worry about. Thank you for such a considerate gift!”
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