People Don't Want To Accept That They're Wrong In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

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People can be shocked when they learn that a person who is known for being soft, modest, and kind can also be capable of being tough. Some might interpret this in the wrong way and think you're a jerk. Here are a few stories from people who want to know if it was fair for them to be labeled jerks. Continue reading and tell us who you believe to be the true jerk. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

21. AITJ For Being Annoyed At My Sister-In-Law For Inviting Herself?

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“So my husband and I never get to see his parents and we’ve been trying to involve them as much as possible because my husband moved across the world to live with me.

We plan on having a wedding in his birth country. Since we’ve been here for Christmas, there have been some weird passive-aggressive comments made to me by my now SIL – (my husband’s brother’s wife) – ‘you got legally married first but WE got engaged first.’ Like weird stuff.

Stuff you’d think you’d hear in middle school. And so on.

Anyway, I haven’t responded to these any other way besides laughing it off. I just want to get along. We never see my husband’s family anyway because we live across the world.

But it seems clear to me that she doesn’t want to be best friends. So I was very surprised when I found out she told my MIL that she wants to tour the venue for our wedding.

This was all completely unknown to myself or my husband. We thought this was going to be an opportunity to spend quality time with his parents and also talk about some more sensitive topics (ie budget and costs) which I wouldn’t be comfortable discussing in front of my SIL.

She’s driving an hour and a half to come to see the venue. She’s currently in the process of planning her own wedding as well. So I’m not sure if the motive is purely based on the previous comments.

Anyway, I told my husband I was a little nervous about my SIL coming. I don’t really understand why she is coming. I guess I’m worried she’d judge how much we’d spend on our wedding or try and ruin this happy moment for us in some way.

My husband actually got quite upset and said that I shouldn’t bring any negative emotions into this wedding as it’s supposed to be a happy event and that I should just be happy even though he agrees it’s a bit odd she’s coming.

I really don’t know if I’m being over-sensitive and I’m really starting to think about this a lot. Am I the jerk for being upset she invited herself to our wedding tour with the in-laws I never see? Or is this naturally something she should be involved in and I should have invited her in the first place? Please advise! I’m losing my mind here trying to do the right thing.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ in my opinion.

If your relationship with SIL has been tenuous at best and she didn’t get an invite to tour the wedding venue I’d feel weird, too.

From the way you’ve described her it sounds like she may be sizing up how fancy your wedding is going to be so she can dial in how much fancier hers needs to be.

Just give her the wrong date and time or a different address.” TheWaywardApothecary

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You are probably correct in feeling that her presence is motivated by ill intent. If you two aren’t close friends, why else would she want to be there? She is likely trying to ‘outdo’ you.

She wants to ensure your celebration won’t be as grand as hers because she is clearly in a one-sided competition. If she likes your venue and/or feels threatened by it, she will immediately try to talk you out of using it.

If she succeeds, she may even try to reserve it for herself. If she isn’t threatened by it, she will say nothing and quietly look for a venue that she deems better than yours.

No, it is not normal for your husband’s brother’s fiance to tag along to see your venue. She is out of line for involving herself. Is there some way to convey to her that you want some alone time with FiL and MiL?” TheZooDude

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and I would advise you to be careful with your fiance’s behavior.

When we are abroad we play a role but when we are back home we show who we truly are. Your fiance getting upset at you by stating how weird it is that your SIL is inviting herself to the tour saying YOU couldn’t bring negativity to HIS WEDDING? is a red flag! And oh God! It’s your wedding too… Please, just be careful and reconsider the whole wedding thing, that reaction is NOT NORMAL.” Meiga1987

8 points (8 votes)
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stargazer228 2 months ago
NTJ... When my brother got married I did not request a tour of the venue. Your SIL sounds like a witch!
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20. AITJ For Giving The New Year's Eve Food Away?

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“I (26f) had plans with my partner J (27 m) of 6 months to spend New year’s eve at his friend’s home. It was a small party of about 10 people.

I made the spinach dip and a homemade ice cream cake for the party. I made a bread bowl for the dip from scratch. Same with the ice cream and cake.

I did all of this over a few days. About 30 minutes before my partner was supposed to pick me up he calls me and says he ‘just doesn’t feel like going out tonight’.

I was annoyed but tried to be understanding. I asked if he wasn’t feeling well or if it was just the crowd. He said it wasn’t either he just wasn’t up for it.

Ok. I’m not going to beg anyone to spend time with me so I just let it go and hope he feels better and we can talk later in the night or the next day.

He asked if I would meet up with my friends instead. I said they were going to bars and I wasn’t comfortable in that kind of crowd right now and I’d probably watch the twilight zone marathon and go to sleep.

We got off the phone and my roommate was about to leave to go to their friend’s party so I sent the dip and cake off with them so it wouldn’t go to waste.

10 minutes later my partner calls and said he changed his mind and is on his way to come get me for the party. I tell him that’s great but I just gave away all of the food I made so we have to stop somewhere to get stuff to bring to the party.

He flips and asks why I would do that when I promised his friends I would bring it. I explain about thinking we weren’t going anymore and he keeps saying I should have checked with him first.

I don’t think I did anything wrong. I paid for and made everything (he was paying for the drinks we were bringing) and don’t owe him anything. He ended up going alone and face-timing me at midnight.

I had a lovely quiet evening at home but now I’m starting to feel guilty. Even my roommate says I should have checked with my partner first as a courtesy or just told him when I did it.

Should I have checked with my partner first? Am I really the jerk here?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your partner is way unreasonable and out of line. This is all on him and his own flakiness.

He doesn’t even have the right to blame you for this let alone flip out. He’s blaming you for his own decisions, and honestly, he sounds like too much. You sound awesomely thoughtful and generous.

No +1 guest that I’ve ever invited to my house has ever brought me anything. I wouldn’t mind having your recipe for ice cream cake either if you’d care to share.” DigDugDogDun

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Your partner was waffling and being indecisive; this is exactly one of the consequences of that: people make other plans/do other things based on what you said and options and opportunities close.

It sucks this happened but he has no one to blame but himself and should accept the consequences.

An alternative for him if he wasn’t sure would have been to express that uncertainty to you, get your input, and say he was still deciding.

Which kinda leaves you hanging and isn’t great either, but better… instead he framed this as a ‘final decision’ thing, so even if he promptly changed his mind again he shouldn’t be surprised or mad this happened.” FinanceFiend2020

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

You plan to go out with your partner. He cancels the night of, knowing you are making things to bring cuz he ‘just doesn’t feel like it’. Then calls later to say hey we are going I’ll pick you up and has the audacity to get mad that you gave the food away? You’ve been together for six months, you could have made other plans in that time. He sucks for canceling. He sucks for uncanceling, he sucks for getting mad. Actually seems weird.” Umokiamdumed

8 points (8 votes)
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Botz 2 months ago
OMG, check with him for what, he said wasn't going. He is an idiot.
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19. AITJ For Telling My Partner He's Being Toxic For Wanting To Track My Location?

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“I (21 F) have been going out with this guy (21 M) and things have gotten pretty serious. He even went on vacation with my family over Christmas.

I usually stay at his house on the weekends and he picks me up so I don’t have my car to go and drive if I wanna get food or something.

Anyways we were hanging out in his room and I was getting hungry so I asked him if he was okay with my driving his car down the street to sonic and he said yes.

When I say down the street I mean it takes about a total of 2 minutes to walk to the car and drive there. Well, the night before I turned my location off because my parents can see my location and I didn’t want them to see where I was at.

I told my partner that I was turning my location off before I did it and he said okay. Now I’ve been with him since I turned it off because it was still the weekend so I didn’t think to turn it back on.

So when I was pulling into Sonic and he called, I figured he was gonna ask me to get him something but when I answered he asked where I was and I told him I just got to sonic but it looked like it was closed because there were cones blocking the part where you drive in so I told him I was driving back and hung up.

While I was driving back he texted and asked where I was again and then called when I was walking up to his house. I answered and in an irritated voice, he asked where I was again.

I was irritated at this point and told him I was back and hung up.

When I got in his room he went off mad that my location was off and was accusing me of doing other things.

He even called the sonic I was going to and asked if they were open and said I shouldn’t have driven his car (even tho he said it was okay). After some arguing, I told him he was acting toxic and that I wanted to go home.

He said that I was being a jerk and should be apologizing to him because I’m in the wrong and that I created trust issues between us but I don’t think I’m in the wrong.

I didn’t think to turn my location back on because I was still at his place but I’m starting to feel like I am in the wrong.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, break up with this guy.

He has zero reasons to demand that you have a location tracker turned on so he can track where you are in the first place. His trust issues are just that – HIS ISSUES.

He had them before you got with him, or he wouldn’t need to track you just for you to drive to get burgers.

This sort of thing doesn’t get better OP. Your life is going to get smaller and smaller as he decides he has more and more things that he distrusts you for, and you try harder and harder not to set him off.” SuperLoris

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

You asked his permission to turn your location off? – that’s so controlling… I don’t even know how to track my partner’s location. The only time I’d ask about her location is if we were due to meet somewhere and she wasn’t there.

What he’s doing is a long way from normal.” Kaliasluke

Another User Comments:

“Uhhh… anyone that NEEDS to have your location 24/7 is a toxic person. I can’t even imagine. And then to immediately jump to thinking you’re doing something ‘bad’? Like what??? You have zero trust in this relationship, and honestly, I would break it off immediately. NTJ.” ikoabd

6 points (6 votes)
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Alliauraa 2 months ago
NTJ girl run
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18. AITJ For Saying "No" To My Parents?

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“I (19M) have been living in another country far from my family, and during this holiday season, I came back to spend some days in my home country.

During these last few days, my parents keep suggesting regular daily activities (actual examples are watching movies, going for walks near the sea, etc) they’d like to do together.

Now, I understand that we’ve been away for quite some time and, as I’ll be leaving soon, we should spend more time together.

However, the truth is that I don’t really feel like doing these things.

Naturally, I’ve thought of things I could suggest myself, but I can’t think of anything that would really make me enjoy my time.

Should I just adhere to the plans they suggest (even though they’re mostly against my will and I can’t really bring myself to pretend I’m enjoying something if I’m not), out of ‘sympathy’; or should I keep being honest and say ‘I don’t really want to do that’.

They keep saying (and rightly so) that I can only say ‘no’ to their suggestions.

Now, why am I not motivated to do stuff with them? I think that comes down to my relationship with them, which is quite good if I’m honest, we talk about interesting things I’d say and often – during lunch, dinner when we’re in the same division, you know…

but these other plans… I can’t bring myself to join them.”

Another User Comments:

“Soft YTJ. You mentioned you enjoy meals with them, why don’t you exchange a meal for a walk or whatever else they suggest? Compromise! They are obviously invested in you and want to spend time with you outside of everyone stuffing their face, it’d be respectful and kind to do the same for them.” TheOneAndOnlyFen

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but you have to cherish that time my dude.

You’re at the age where you have your newfound freedom, and boy is it fun. But before you know it you’ll be older with a job and family and kids, and you’ll miss them so much.

I’m 1500 miles away from my dad, and I wish I could just go for a walk with him.” Lovyc

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You barely see your folks since you live far away, and you claim you have a good relationship with them.

So why not ‘humor’ them a bit by engaging in 1 or 2 of their preferred activities? Or why don’t you suggest something then? Even if you don’t enjoy the selected activity, would you not at least enjoy their company/convo? PS: sometimes in life, you will find yourself doing things ‘against your will’ for the greater good. Buck up!” KenKenIAm

5 points (9 votes)
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Foofer 1 month ago
Suck it up, get over it, grin and bare it. You might not like it, but dont take every day for granted.... my friend had that same issue you in. He went back to college about 1000 miles away...week later his mom died in car accident. Several months later [right before christmas] his dad had a heart attack... JUST made it home to see his dad...about 10mins later dad fell asleep an never woke up. You might not like what your parents suggest, but make every minute count
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17. AITJ For Welding While My Neighbor Was Fixing The Fence?

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“Two years ago, my neighbor across the street bought the house next door to me to rent out on Airbnb. Since then, it has been a right pain in my butt.

I’ve had strangers knock on my door to borrow things at all hours, block my driveway, have angry dogs bark and snarl at me when I try to use my own yard, have late-night yelling matches, wander around in my backyard and stare in my windows and even cut my roses!

I try to be a nice neighbor, so I’ve let them know multiple times if they gave me a heads up I would be more than happy to not weld when they have guests there.

I’ve also politely let them know when guests have asked for certain things repeatedly and even bought some for them. I’ve told them about the trespassing and politely asked them to let the people know the property ends at the fence.

They never even said sorry, and we still have people trying to wander around my yard.

The fence separating our yards is on their property but is right on the boundary. Yesterday when I went outside to weld, there was a bunch of strange men in my backyard.

They had saw horses and equipment set up all over my backyard.

I asked my partner if they had asked for permission to use our yard and when he said no I kinda snapped.

I decided since they couldn’t do the bare minimum of politeness and ask our permission, I was not going to do the polite thing and wait to weld.

Welding arc flashes are so bright you need special protective eyewear to be around them.

Grinding metal also shoots sparks across my yard. Since they set up all their equipment in my backyard, the work crew had to wait around on the other side of the fence getting paid for nothing until I took my breaks (15-minute break after every hour of welding).

I had little warnings go off before I started welding so they knew to leave.

Had my neighbor simply asked for my permission at any time, I would have stopped. But he just stood there glaring at me.

My sister and partner say I took it too far since they were just trying to fix the fence’s slight lean, but I’m just done with the disrespect of our property and them thinking it’s ok for strangers to just waltz on in our yard.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Please check and see if Airbnb is legal in your area, or if short-term rental properties possibly need to be registered with the city, and then inform those who need to be informed.

You may luck out and he’ll be shut down, or you may get petty revenge in the form of him having to pay hotel taxes.

From now on, you should disregard any and all need to be ‘neighborly’.

Your neighbor doesn’t even live there, and this rotation of strangers is likewise not your neighbor. Weld whenever you like. Tell them to stay out of your yard and keep their hands off your garden.

Put up signs and fences that tell them to stay away. Call and have their cars towed if your driveway is blocked. Report noise violations immediately, instead of asking them to turn things down.

Get one of those child-repelling siren things that emit a high pitch only kids can hear, and set it in your yard.

When the negative reviews start pouring in, your actual neighbor will finally treat your requests as serious, and start informing guests on where to park, quiet hours, and to stay away from your property.

Damage to his review score will likewise reduce the number of stays.” millac7

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for not ordering them off your property IMMEDIATELY. OP, your neighbor is a huge jerk, you’ve known that for a long time.

But jerks can be put in their place as long as you have the spine to do it. You do not, unfortunately. You’ve been rolling over and showing him your belly, over and over again.

I can’t believe you didn’t yell at people TRESPASSING ON YOUR PROPERTY WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION. OF COURSE, he’s going to keep pushing your boundaries. You’ve as good as told him to.

Polite accommodation is the jerk’s ‘Come n get it!’

And why would you be more than happy not to weld when they have guests there? IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO PLEASE THEIR CUSTOMERS.

If an Air BnB sits next door to people who weld, then that’s the situation and paying customers need to know and deal with it. For Pete’s sake. And WHAT WERE YOU DOING BUYING THINGS FOR THEIR GUESTS? FOR PETE’S SAKE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Apparently, your sister and partner are even more spineless than you.

I throw up my hands at the lot of you.” JadieJang

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

It was super petty, but I think at this point I would consider looking into your legal options. If your neighbor wants to be a landlord, then they need to at least do something to ensure that people who rent that property are mindful of the fact that your property is not public space.

If they can’t be bothered to do that, then I’d start calling the cops every time someone starts trespassing on the property. Depending on what your local ordinances are like, his property may be declared a nuisance if there are a high number of police calls to that address.

If you have strangers knocking on your door at all hours of the day, damaging your property, and otherwise causing a nuisance, you may be able to sue your neighbor, but that would be a conversation to have with an attorney. If your neighbor wants to rent that property, they are allowed to do so, but you are a property owner and you have rights too.” False-Guess

4 points (4 votes)
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Beenthruit 1 month ago
NTJ. Post no-trespassing signs around your property and call the cops if they trespass
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16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Best Friends With A Snitch?

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“I work at a job my ex-best friend got me. We see each other almost every day and have some of the same friends, so I think that’s important to note.

About a month ago I started a new medication and had to go into my shift that day, but towards the end of the shift as I’m closing out I start feeling a headache and pretty nauseous so I offered one of my coworkers money to finish up about 5 minutes of my work, considering I had been released early because it was pretty slow that day and I had been doing closing work for a while, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal – I wasn’t feeling good.

I leave work and I get a text from my coworker saying that my best friend got really mad and told everyone she was going to snitch on me to try to get me in trouble considering I have to go through them in order to leave.

I had of course apologized and it was the first time I had ever left early without finishing up, but with the given circumstances I thought it was ok since I was already leaving early and did the majority of my duties.

But the fact that my so-called best friend was trying to get me in trouble makes me think they secretly don’t like me. I told them I just needed space because I go through phases where I like to be alone and avoid friend drama, and they took it as I don’t want to be friends anymore.

Fast forward to now and we don’t talk anymore, they talk bad about me to mutual friends, and have even sent a subliminal mean text to me with no context. I didn’t think it would go this far over something so small considering we had been friends for years prior.

She also said that I’m playing the victim for being mad that she snitched. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Unsure NTJ, but I wonder if there is more to the story: would your ex-best friend have been in trouble had management found out? Closing can have special responsibilities, and suggesting to hire you might have them in the line of fire.

Just saying… they might have been very worried about losing their job, even if the reaction is clearly not acceptable.” TheExaltedNoob

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. that was never your friend to begin with.

When a friend and I get into an argument, it literally pains me. The fact that she went out of her way to talk trash about you is very telling. no real friend would do that.” mekkavelli

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, sounds like this person was not really a friend in the first place.

I would say in the future to this person the only texts you want to receive from them are to pertain to business only and any others will be ignored.” pnwcatman420

4 points (4 votes)
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Foofer 1 month ago
Does she know about your health/new meds? Simply tell her "im sorry. I was having health issues, and a slight reaction to my meds. I wasnt feeling the best...i JUST made it home before i barfed." Leave it there, maybe she will apologize for misunderstanding
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15. AITJ For Taking My Gift Back?

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“So I was very fortunate to get a lot of money when my grandparents passed, my partner of a year and a half knows this but I haven’t told her how much it was because I don’t like to talk about it and when I was young my mother always said ‘never talk about money ever’.

Anyways Christmas came and I got gifts for everyone, I spent quite a bit. I don’t really get along with my partner’s mother so I just got her some expensive bag.

I gave it to her and she took it and didn’t even say thank you or anything. She saw the bag and laughed why did you get me a fake? I said it’s not fake.

Then all the questions came.

How did you afford this? I said it doesn’t matter just say thank you and leave it. She kept going on and on. Saying how can someone that works in a bar afford this?

Everyone else was very surprised when I gave them gifts and some said OMG I can’t take this.

My partner’s lil bro cried cuz I got him a PS5. I love that lil dude.

Anyways it came to a head when I just snapped I said enough if you’re going to wreck my head of how I could afford it and not even show any gratitude I’m taking it back.

She looked shocked. I just took the box from the sofa and locked it in my car. It was quite awkward after that so I left shortly.

My partner said that she understood but would like for me to apologize to her mother for snapping at her but she agrees she doesn’t deserve the present.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

Once a gift is given you have no ownership of the item nor the right to decide what happens with it. If you don’t like how they reacted/you were treated (don’t blame ya, by the way.

Would be super annoyed and witchy about it myself), then you no longer gift them anything. You don’t have to answer any of their questions nor defend your gift-giving – you also don’t have to choose to give them gifts going forward.

But taking back an already-given gift is just poor form, always. Receiving a present is not a right (just as there is no obligation to give one) but a privilege and your partner’s mother has clearly displayed that she has no respect or gratitude.

Chalk it up to now you know and tell her to get lost during future gift exchanges (or be blatantly petty and give her a pack of gum).” mjohnson11573

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but it sounds to me like you might need some financial counseling if you’re getting such overly lavish gifts for the family of your partner of only 1.5 years.

Their reactions you’ve mentioned also tell me it was probably too much too soon (other than the PS5 for the brother, I think that is generally nice and appropriate).

It feels nice to give gifts people love, and I get that, but if you want the money your grandmother left you to last, be sure to be a bit more cautious with it.” Amberleh

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

It was close but tilted over because you should not have been gifting very expensive items to people who think you are essentially broke if you did not want to reveal you could actually afford them.

It will always raise questions, concerns, alarms, etc… In fact, I think that your mother was quite right to not talk about money. Except for who you are going to marry.

And then, to discuss finances, debt, goals, and PRENUPS. If you inherited, then that is yours. Unless you mix it, then it becomes marital. Be very careful when you are thinking marriage and consult an attorney to protect your assets.” embracedthegrey

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

If my college student cousin with no job handed me a designer bag as a gift and said it wasn’t fake I would be concerned that they spent more than they could afford or went into debt.

There’s a level of gift that can be both surprising and concerning. As in it’s so expensive that you may not want to accept it because of the burden it might have put on the giver.

I think she should have waited and then double-checked that you really wanted her to have that gift later, but I think you overreacted considering her reasonable confusion that someone who doesn’t seem to have a lot of money is suddenly gifting everyone really expensive gifts.” User

4 points (4 votes)
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Alliauraa 2 months ago
NTJ but I don't condone her reaction either.
Yes, ahe was insufferably rude. I would have reassured her it wasn't stolen and left it at that. Her "fake" comment was just, wow, though.
You don't owe her an apology. But as previously mentioned, a gift is a gift and I would ask your circle if you feel you should give it to her.
Oh, and get a prenup and a good financial advisor.
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14. AITJ For Joking About My Sisters?

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“I (17m) have 3 sisters 19, 15, and 13.

I was talking with a friend (16m) of mine on a Discord voice chat and he asked what was your worst memory of 2020 or 2021 since it’s the new year.

One really quick thing about discord is that you can give people things called roles and you can lock certain voice and text chats to people with that role. This voice chat was locked to the few people on the server who went to our elementary school, since it was a smaller school we were in the same class for 6 years and we all knew each other.

I mentioned the first month or so of 2020 when all of my sister’s periods somehow synced up and it was horrible cause I had to be so careful about what I said.

Then I jokingly mentioned how I’ve died almost twice in accidents, been through like 5 surgeries, 2 MRIs, and physical therapy, and still, that week was more traumatizing and said it haunts me to this day.

Well someone else (17f) joined the VC and for some reason, I didn’t hear the sound and she heard us and got mad, and started saying things like I was being misogynistic and I didn’t know what they (periods) felt like, etc.

I said well I kinda know what the cramps feel like because of the simulator thing and I lasted longer than my younger sisters and was fine at the level they said hurt like their cramps but my older sister has a medical condition that makes them worse so she was fine the whole time.

She then went on about how people have different pain tolerances and that I shouldn’t make fun of them for having a lower one. I said I’m not and you told me I don’t know how they feel so I kinda corrected you and we were just joking leave us alone my god also who let you in here you shouldn’t have access to this VC.

She did leave us alone but I’m starting to think maybe I’m a jerk for saying things like that, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Everyone, male and female, has their moments where they are not pleasant to live with.

I’ve lived long enough and been around enough men to know that y’all ain’t as logical and unemotional as advertised. I think you were just trying to be funny in front of your friends/peer group with the tired and boring trope of ‘my life is miserable because of PMS-ing women.’ Sadly, you did this at the expense of your sisters and were rightfully called out on how sexist and misogynistic it was.” lyons121

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

So I see a lot of mixed judgments here. Some say you can say whatever you want about your family. Well, regardless of your freedom of speech some things don’t stop being awful things to say.

Now I’m also not quite lining up with everyone saying you are a jerk either. I wouldn’t say you’re a terrible person or a terrible brother. Or a misogynistic person as matter of fact.

You could be, but I don’t think this post is enough to reach that conclusion.

When I say YTJ I mean that you by no means know what exactly they go through because you have used the simulator once or twice or however many times.

Even if you had it on for 7 days constantly for a month or two, you can’t replicate the hormonal changes that make them act up. It was just a trashy thing to say and I would hope you don’t say it again and be more understanding.

A simple way to know if you said a trashy thing is: how would your sisters feel if they heard you say that?

To be honest, no matter what others say, as a woman, if my brother came up to me and said that, I’d feel very awful.

We women quite often look back after our period passes and realize how we reacted oddly and feel guilty. So on top of that, hearing your brother say that wouldn’t make me feel good.

The female in VC felt second-hand trashy because the fear of hearing that from males around you is all too real for every one of us. Maybe she is wrong in saying you are misogynistic, maybe not.

It all depends on whether you come out of this thinking you can say anything about your sister’s hormones to anyone or you think it’s something to keep to yourself that it can be difficult to deal with PMS sometimes.

Because don’t get me wrong, it can be difficult.

You are not a jerk for finding it difficult to deal with. You are a jerk for not understanding that this is part of the process that they go through and it’s just something one has to work with. And a jerk for talking about that to others.” AsphyxiaOfTheSoul

3 points (3 votes)
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Trish6529 2 months ago
Nta. There was nothing wrong with what you were saying. Women can be a bit much to deal with when they are on their periods. As a women i know. Men have every right to complain about women in their lives to friends... im not sure why people think this is a no-no. I complain about the people in my life to my friends all the time. She jumped into a conversation that she wasn't meant to be apart of them to offense at what she heard. She needs to get Obey it b
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13. AITJ For Snapping At A Clerk For Mistaking My Identity?

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“This incident happened last night before NYE. For context, I’m almost a year sober from drinking. Also, I’d describe my appearance as Generic Looking White Man.

My (29M) partner (32M) and I went to the grocery store to grab some supplies for NYE, we decided to celebrate at home alone.

We decided to buy some Martinelli’s sparking juice (for me) and one of those mini Prosecco bottles (for my partner) along with some snacks. We went to a check-out stand and I started to pull out my ID when the cashier (30s?) said, ‘Oh, no need to show me your ID I remember you.’ Of course, I was confused, but I brushed it off.

I chalked it up to ‘I guess I’m starting to look old and they don’t need to card me anymore’ (even though I always wear a mask).

Before we could finish the transaction, my partner asked the clerk how they knew I was over 21.

The clerk then said it was because I had bought booze the week before, WHICH I HADN’T. I immediately jumped on that statement because it wasn’t true, but it was too late and my partner started to accuse me of relapsing.

I tried to calm him down but then the clerk INSISTED that I had come in the week before. My partner stormed off and that’s when I exploded. I yelled at the clerk along the lines of: ‘Why would you say that?!’, ‘What is your problem?!’, etc.

I even went so far as to pull my mask down to show my entire face to prove to them that they were wrong. The clerk asked me to leave, so I did.

Now, my partner isn’t talking to me and thinks I’ve been lying this entire time. I keep trying to tell them that it wasn’t me that the clerk was talking about, but he isn’t having it.

I understand that it could have been a huge misunderstanding on the clerk’s part, but how they INSISTED that it was me when they saw how upset my partner was felt so unwarranted.

There is also no way that this clerk would know I was over 21 from when I was buying booze almost a year ago because we only moved to this area about six months ago and haven’t bought booze from them in the past.

AITJ?

EDIT: I definitely feel awful about what I did and I’m gonna go in later and apologize. As of now, my partner is at work so I will talk to them when they get home.

EDIT 2: So, I went in and apologized. They apologized for mistaking me for someone else, so it’s all water under the bridge. As for my partner, he reached out to my family about my ‘relapse’, so I have to do some damage control and explain that I didn’t.”

Another User Comments:

“You and your partner are the jerks here.

You both overreacted.

I guess you already know that part of getting sober is that you need to own that it was you who lost people’s trust through your prior actions. Others are not obligated to give that trust back to you.

That’s something that needs to be earned, by you. If it can be. Sadly, sometimes it can’t. That part is between you and your partner. A retail worker trying to make a living got caught in your crossfire.

Not cool.

This misunderstanding was a big setback, and disappointing to both of you. I know that was probably hard to go through, but the only healthy reaction would be for you to give your partner the biggest hug and empathize.

Believing there was some truth to the fact you might have relapsed must have been very scary for your partner.

As for the clerk, it does sound like you were very harsh.” Total-Being-4278

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

The clerk misidentification could literally cost you your entire relationship. This is something you might even be able to sue over, for mental anguish and emotional damages. I am a heavy drinker, almost 4 years sober.

If a clerk tried to insist they saw me buying up booze like that, I’d lose it and absolutely catch a charge…” User

Another User Comments:

“YTJ and your partner but not the clerk.

You for losing your mind over an innocent mistake (it’s not like they argued with you when you said they didn’t know you, the same thing happened to me. It’s hard when everyone’s wearing masks) and your partner for running around telling everyone you’re not sober or not giving you a chance to defend yourself.

What does that accomplish except for more drama.” beito14159

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. As a former cashier, if someone looks under 30, the cashier is supposed to card them every time. One of the reasons is this sort of mistaken identity thing.

If you’d been underage, and the cashier had declined to card you because he thought you were someone else he’d already carded, he would have lost his job, and maybe even been arrested.

Even ignoring that, once you told him you weren’t who he thought, he should have said, ‘my bad, can I see your ID’ not insisting it was you and doubling down on his mistake, especially once your partner started to accuse you of relapsing. The cashier was unprofessional and inappropriate.” Sugar_Weasel_

3 points (3 votes)
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MamaC 2 months ago
I never do this, truly I don’t, but I think I would have asked to speak to the manager. She doubled down and said it had to be you buying booze‽ You’ve been staying sober for a year and she just messes up all of the trust that you’ve worked so hard to rebuild. I’m angry just thinking about this. Congrats on your sobriety. I hope you partner and family come around.
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12. WIBTJ If I Suddenly Told My Family About My 10-Year Relationship?

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“My Dad and Stepmom were married for 20 years before she passed. While I was extremely close to my mother, I was also very close to her. Like a year after they married she took us to her family reunion.

Eight sisters, 1 brother, and various nieces, and nephews, and we were immediately sucked in and treated like family. They would’ve done anything for us, and us for them. After my Stepmom passed they doubled down.

They are my family and I love them more than words.

I’ve been in a poly triad relationship for 7 years come March. The subject has been broached about us doing something if we hit 10 years.

Some sort of nice celebration with friends and family. My Dad, his partner, my brother, and one aunt on my dad’s side have known for a couple of years. My sister has known from the beginning.

A few of my aunts are more conservative so I was legit scared for the first couple of years, so I didn’t tell my stepmom’s family. Over time I’ve realized that they would accept me no matter what.

They may have their own opinions but they would never say a bad thing and they might even expect me to drag along my significant others. As one of my partners recently came out as trans there might be a tiny bit more resistance (shock, speaking carefully, some blinking, maybe a few uncomfortable questions they don’t know are inappropriate), but even then I know the love would be unconditional.

If we do a celebration, I would want my family to be there. The problem is I’ve outright lied to them. They’ve asked if I had anyone special in my life and I mentioned I have close friends and that’s it.

At first, it was the fear, and after that, I just didn’t want to deal with all the questions and explanations and work that would go into it. It would take massive amounts of energy to deal with that much family with something that big and it’s always seemed overwhelming.

I think inviting them to the celebration and explaining it then, as a ten-year-long stable relationship is a good way to come out into the open. But I’ve been told that just shocking them with this huge secret I’ve been keeping for so long is kind of a jerk move, especially with how close we are.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You have three years to tell your family and deal with the whole uncomfortable process of explanations. You’ve decided you are going to tell them so putting it off for three more years is just cowardly and hurtful to them.

And on the chance that any of them do react poorly do you really want that hanging over the celebration of your tenth anniversary?” Sadbabytrashpanda

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for the question asked (just one for lying for so long).

You can’t be surprised if some of them are hurt by your lies. I’d prep them though. Maybe, ‘At first, I didn’t say anything because I was scared of how you’d all respond, so I started lying.

But as I should have known, that lie snowballed over the last 10 years and turned into something I never meant it to. I was scared of what would happen if I finally told the truth, but you all deserve the truth.

I want to apologize for lying to you all and hope that in time you can forgive me’ or something.” sewarlock

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. It would be a jerk move to drop it on them with no warning or preparation and I wouldn’t blame them for being annoyed at being lied to all these years

I remember that previous AITJ post where a 10-year relationship was dropped close to the wedding and the parents withdrew from it, mostly in anger at being lied to.” MiskiMoon

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but you’re setting everybody involved up for a huge disappointment.

Your family will need time to process your relationship and the fact you’ve had this relationship for years. If you drop it on them and then expect them to have a happy little gathering with all of you, you’re definitely in for a disappointment. Why on Earth don’t you start to tell them now?” rosarevolution

3 points (3 votes)
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Foofer 1 month ago
You didnt lie. You said "close friends" but didnt say how "close" they actually are/what they mean to you. This was just a broad answer, and when they ask, "i didnt know how you would respond, i didnt want to make it uncomfortable.
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11. AITJ For Sleeping Beside A Friend?

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“I (18M) invited friends over for a get-together. I still live with my parents while I attend university and so we all met at my parents’ place. The day goes on and one of my friends (17M) wants to stay the night so that we can hang out some more.

Eventually, we get ready for bed and he decides to hang out in my room for a bit before he goes to his room to sleep. I’m a slob so there’s no space except my bed to hang out in.

So we lay in bed together and chill when my mother walks in on us. (Important addendum, my friend is gay) She sternly scolds us and tells him to leave. She threatens to kick him out of the house (it’s 2 am at this point) and he goes to where he would sleep.

Apparently, her side of the story is that as the house owner, she doesn’t want her children having people over in their room period, and sees this as a sign of disrespect to her and a fracture of her trust.

What puzzles me is that she’s not worried about her children getting laid, but apparently this is going too far. AITJ or are these rules unusual? If these rules are normal, then can someone please explain to me how it’s a sign of disrespect?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here, but it sounds like you and your mom need to have a conversation clarifying expectations like this now that you are transitioning to the next stage in your life.

Has this always been a rule or is she suddenly only applying it to this friend? If so then she is a jerk but that convo should still happen.” ayriana

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here, many parents have rules about their kids (even adult kids) sharing bedrooms with others – even if they know well that the two of them are already sleeping together (which I realize is not the case here – just pointing out how silly it can be).

Their house, their rules.” Opinionated_123

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. That said as long as you’re under their roof you’re going to wind up beholden to their trashy rules and hang-ups. It definitely sounds like your mom has internalized some issues. Have you asked her about it and why she’s drawing this arbitrary line?” TheWaywardApothecary

3 points (3 votes)
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Alliauraa 2 months ago
NTJ Your mom's afraid your friend is going to turn you gay. Ignore her ridiculous assumptions, clean your room, get a chair.
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10. WIBTJ If I Don't Let My Mom And Her Partner Go On Vacation?

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“About a year ago my mom met her current partner and pretty soon after that we (my mom, teenage sister, and I) moved into his house. (I, 20F, still live with my mom because I’m halfway through my bachelor’s).

At some point after moving in I started doing him favors for his company. Some of these favors were sending emails in English, talking on the phone with clients, going to a convention to represent his company, physical labor, and archiving documents.

I was honestly fine with doing these because they don’t take up much of my time, plus I live in his house rent-free so it’s whatever.

The problems arise when my mom (who is now his secretary) and he went on vacation.

They always go on a trip every month but this time they’d be gone a bit longer, two weeks if I remember correctly. My mom tells me I’ll have to take over the company while they’re gone and I remind her that it’ll be difficult for me as a full-time student.

She tells me that her partner is willing to compensate me for my time, so as a poor college student I agree. They go on their trip and I juggle company business and schoolwork while they vacation.

It’s not easy, but at least I’m getting paid, right? Wrong. It’s been 2 months and I haven’t seen a dollar of what I worked for. Yeah, the global crisis has been tough on the company, but the company’s not struggling.

Over the course of the 2 months, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and continued doing him favors. I thought maybe he planned to give it to me on Christmas.

I found out today that he never intended on paying me, as he paid for my dog’s vet bill last month.

Of course, I’m grateful he covered the bill, but I wasn’t aware he was gonna be billing me for it, especially since it’s the family dog, not just mine.

I’m annoyed because he’s been having me do all these things for him while my mom basically dangled the pay in my face telling me he would eventually pay me when he never intended to.

And in the meanwhile, they’ve gone on 2 more vacations and are currently planning a 2 month-long stay in Colombia. And of course, they expect me to take over the company.

At this point, I don’t even care about the stupid $200, but I told them that I’ll no longer be doing them any favors, even while they’re gone. This means that he would either have to hire a secretary or they won’t be able to go on vacation.

WIBTJ if I didn’t let them go on vacation because I don’t wanna work for free?

I would have had no problem doing those favors for him if I hadn’t been promised a salary.

But I truly feel taken advantage of and like my time and effort don’t matter to him at all. Plus I don’t remember agreeing to work for him when he begged my mom to move in with him because he could cover everything.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, although I do think your mother’s partner has you between a rock and a hard place here.

This is why I don’t advocate mixing business/finances like this with family/family’s significant others. It can just get messy overall, and unfortunately, you’ve already set a precedent for doing ‘favors’ for him.

You were just trying to be kind, and it sounds like he (and your mother) are taking advantage of it. You have every right to be upset and you’re totally justified in saying no.

How do they expect you to juggle being a full-time student AND taking over for a company regularly for extended periods of time? With zero compensation? That’s unreasonable. Does your mother not value your success in education? When are you supposed to find time for class and to study? My fear, however, is that if you put your foot down, you’ll risk them saying to pay rent or get out since the guy foots the bill for the household.

Is that a possibility?” bee102019

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you’ve massively been taken advantage of and they’ve taken advantage of their power as one being your prior caregiver and the other her ‘partner’.

You should have been part of the discussion if he intended to transfer that fund into pet medical bills. Because you are an adult and regardless of that you also undertook labor and managed his company.

You’re in the right to cut off your skills and time – I really recommend you leave this living situation and find your own space.

You deserve your own space and respect.” wanesandwaves

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – I would recommend notifying them that you will be unavailable to help moving forward since you will be seeking employment elsewhere.

There’s a chance that they will respect your wishes and leave you alone, but most likely they will be upset that you are no longer available to work for them. You can then leverage that into an official paying job with the company if that’s what you want.

Though if you go that route, you definitely need to sign a contract and fill out all the necessary employment paperwork for your country. No getting paid under the table.” Chunks_of_Funk

3 points (3 votes)
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silvabelz 2 months ago
NTJ. Let them take their vacation but make it perfectly clear that you won't be conducting any of the business while they are gone. If you weren't there, they'd have to hire a temp anyway. So why shouldn't you expect to be paid at least a fraction of what the temp would get?
Part of doing business is paying the staff. Does your mom work for free or pull a salary from the company?

You've done them favors because you live in their house but working full time for them for 2 months for no money? Time to draw the line here.

Also might be time for you to look at other living arrangements so they can't hold it over your head and guilt you into doing his work for free.
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9. AITJ For Not Letting My Mom Come To New York With Me?

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“I (f16) applied to go on a small 1 week trip to New York over spring break to study American history through school, but I had to ask my mom (f55) for a signature.

As I was telling her she turned it down instantly and said I could only go if she could go as a chaperone. I told her no for no particular reason, I just didn’t want to go with her.

I have bipolar-1 and my mom has BPD. I manage it well but she has breakdowns frequently and we fight a lot. Instead of telling me that I couldn’t go without her again, she started shouting and saying that I was ungrateful and that she deserves to go since she holds up our household financially.

I shouted back in the heat of the moment and said that she doesn’t deserve to go because ‘she didn’t do anything to deserve to go’ and then the room went quiet and we were both crying.

After that, we went straight to bed and she told all her family members to not talk to me and exaggerated the situation a lot. That was a few days ago, I’m now at my dad’s (m57) and he gave me permission to go.

Not sure what to do now since my mom and her side of the family are not speaking to me, AITJ in this situation?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, are you close to any of your mom’s side of the family? Maybe you could explain the situation to one of them so they understand your perspective as well.

If not, then don’t worry enjoy your trip and let bygones be bygones. Let things cool down a bit and then talk to your mom about it again. Maybe say that you don’t want your ‘mom’ to be there with you cause it’ll be weird or something?” reginalestrange

Another User Comments:

“Firstly, congrats on your trip.

It should be great. As far as the argument, gentle ‘everyone sucks here’. It’s not fair that you’re dealing with this. You’re old enough to understand that mental illness is hard and we all have to do our best to keep the peace (plenty of mental illness in my house, so I know).

You don’t have to admit being wrong, cause you’re not wrong, but say how you hate fighting and want to smooth things over. Try to deflect any discussion about the trip and deal with it when the time comes.

It’s great that you’ve got your dad in your corner.” aussietex

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for telling her that she doesn’t deserve to go. You are not a jerk for not wanting her to go on the trip (I never would have wanted my parents going on a school trip with me either) but as your mother, she does have the right to override you, especially considering she would be the one paying for you to go.

You became the jerk when you told your mom she didn’t deserve to go.” AITAJudgeThrowaway

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here – Is her being a chaperone even an option with the school? I think there are ways you could’ve gotten the same result without telling her ‘no’, which was rude.

To be fair, if you had listed out reasons, that would’ve upset her as well. From my perspective, it seems like she would’ve had to clear it with the school to be a chaperone, and then she’d have to find a place or at least book her own lodging.

Would that have deterred her in any way? I think you could’ve tried to emphasize that a school trip is different than a vacation and you could’ve suggested that you two do a trip together over the summer instead.

You could’ve let her down more gently.

However, she is the adult and her telling other family members to give you the silent treatment is really immature. BPD considered to the best of my ability.” throw_whey_protein

3 points (3 votes)
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Alliauraa 2 months ago
NTJ but you do need to apologize for the "doesn't deserve to go" comment.
That said, she's the adult and chose to have a family, so supporting you and paying for you is her obligation and you don't "owe her" for parenting you. If the trip wasn't in the budget, so be it, but that wasn't her argument.
While I appreciate that your dad signed for you to go. Is he paying for it? Because if not, he crossed the line.
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8. AITJ For Not Inviting My Mom's Husband To My Wedding?

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“My mom’s husband ‘Eric’ came into the picture when I was 16 and my sister was 12. It was kind of awkward, and I wasn’t thrilled about having some guy in the house.

I’m going to be honest, he has never done anything to me, but I find his personality grating and I just really didn’t like having to live with him.

It didn’t help that he had a daughter who was 13 and she and my sister became like long-lost twins, and it put pressure on me because I was the only one who didn’t want to play instant family.

Also, my mom is pretty old school about marriage coming first and her husband is the most important person in the world and even said how lonely she was before she met him, which never sat right.

To be honest I just don’t like Eric.

I am getting married to the love of my life ‘Sarah’ and karma because my mom doesn’t really like her. My mom isn’t one of those crazy MILs and she doesn’t do much, but when I asked her to be honest she told me she can’t stand her and admitted she had probably been distancing herself.

She doesn’t have any concrete reasons, but I guess I don’t have many for not liking Eric.

Sarah and I were talking about the wedding. It is going to be very small and we aren’t doing plus ones.

Everyone will have someone they know and we want it to be intimate. I mentioned that it sucks that my mom is married, so Eric isn’t really a plus one. Sarah said that in her opinion it is our wedding and I shouldn’t feel obligated to invite him and my needs and wants should come first for my wedding.

That really resonated and I brought it up to my mom. She immediately began attacking me about I’m disrespecting her marriage and she won’t go without him. My sister is taking her side and my mom texted me after the fact that she suffered through Christmas dinner with Sarah and how dare I do this after she has forced herself to invite Sarah places.

I didn’t answer because that hurt and gave me something to think about.

Eric actually said that he thinks my mom should go. His feelings aren’t hurt over some ‘lame wedding’ and he gets I am her son.

My mom told him no she isn’t going and to drop it. To be clear if he doesn’t come she will have my sister, my sister’s partner who she adores, and my grandma (her mom) to sit with.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

Unless he did something truly inexcusable (e.g. abuse, kicking you out of the house, hitting on your fiancée) or you have a legitimate reason to be concerned about his behavior at the wedding (e.g.

he is a heavy drinker who will make a scene, he is likely to make a toast insulting you and your bride), it is inappropriate not to invite him since he is part of your immediate family (yes, even though he is a stepfather).

And frankly, the fact that Sarah suggested this to you makes me wonder if perhaps your mom is correct to not like her. What kind of person, when planning their wedding, encourages her fiance to create a permanent rift in his family?” DinaFelice

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

So, you want your mom to respect your marriage, but you won’t respect hers? Did you ever wonder if the reason she doesn’t like your fiancée for no good reason is that you don’t like her husband for no good reason? At the end of the day, it is your wedding and you do have the right to decide who is and isn’t invited, but your mom is well within her rights to be upset if you don’t invite your husband.

Especially since it sounds like she’s made an effort to invite your fiancée to family events. She’s making an effort, and you aren’t.

Sometimes you have to ask yourself if something is really worth the conflict it will create.

Is this the hill you want to die on? Do you want your marriage to start with your mother resenting you, and setting up decades of awkward family events just so her husband won’t be at your wedding? If you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough to get over your petty jealousy of your stepdad and stepsister.

I mean, did you want your mom to spend the rest of her life single?

It sounds like her marrying and expressing having been lonely prior upsets you because you feel like you and your sister should have been enough for your mom, and her saying that means you weren’t, but that wasn’t about you.

A mother’s love and romantic love are very different, and her wanting a life partner is not her snubbing you. It’s time to get over it, and forgive this guy for marrying your mom.” Sugar_Weasel_

Another User Comments:

“Wait… you are allowing your sister to bring her partner, but your mom, who is married, cannot bring her husband.

Who she has been married to for years. Yeah, YTJ. You don’t have a concrete reason to not like Eric. Especially since he seems to be the go-along type. Hence him not being upset about you wanting to bar him from the wedding.

Your mother on the other hand does have reason to not like your future wife. She is egging your childishness on. And I’m guessing not for the first time. You have been extremely disrespectful to your mother and stepfather.

And you have made your entire family dynamic about yourself. Even taking offense to your mom saying she was lonely before Eric. Of course she was. It is hard being a single mother.

Your entitlement is showing. Your mom has already said she will not attend without him. Now it is up to you to decide if not having him there is worth not having her. And also worth your mother no longer inviting your future wife to family functions. Turn about is fair play after all.” Last_Caterpillar8770

3 points (5 votes)
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CmHart2008 1 month ago
YTJ, BIG TIME. Additionally you are immature & rude. Your fiancé is loving this absurdity or she would not support the childish & inappropriate family issue you have created. You are both obviously too immature to be aware of the unnecessary drama you caused. You are both too immature to expect to create a loving marriage. Your mother & family should stay home. A wife stands alongside her husband. You are too selfish to see that!
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7. AITJ For Not Attending My College Best Friend's Wedding?

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“Both my friend and I studied in Canada as international students and met at university, I am from Colombia and she is from Pakistan. In university, I told her I will go to her wedding in Pakistan and we were both super excited and always talked about it.

She got married about 1 year after graduation and her wedding was around Christmas and their wedding is about a week long and she wanted me to go for 2 weeks to explore the city.

I am not religious but my family and I are big on Christmas, we get together every year no matter what and have a big celebration. I told her I can’t make it because it was Christmas and I go home every year to spend it with them and I cannot ditch.

She thought it was selfish of me to not skip this one year to be with her at such an important time in her life because Christmas is an every year thing but her wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

Many of our mutual friends called me selfish too because I am not showing my support on such an important day for her. I sent her some gifts for her wedding (not sure if that helps).

Info: She never told me it was going to be around Christmas. We never thought there was a need in discussing the date and I didn’t think December was a possibility.

Also, she didn’t plan the wedding and set the date until after graduation.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. This was HER big day, not yours and you supported her the best way you could.

There is nothing wrong or selfish about you prioritizing your family time. This wasn’t a weekly family dinner it was a holiday celebration that only happens once a year. I skipped Thanksgiving for a wedding one year and that ended up being my Grandma’s last holiday.” Dull-General-8124

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

You get to choose with whom and where you spend your time. You decided which event was more important to you, and you went to it. The only thing here is that choices have consequences: you not going to your friend’s wedding, especially after hyping her up on you attending, may have the consequence of ending the friendship.” ResoluteMuse

Another User Comments:

“Strong NTJ.

Firstly, the cost implications of this 2-week-long trip? A trip that long to a foreign country will definitely hurt the pockets a bit. Wow. Secondly, if it’s planned during a major holiday, she should’ve expected some scheduling conflicts.

That was just kind of dumb to even pick Christmas time as an ideal window for the reception. Also, she can’t really be upset with you since you’re both trying to prioritize your own family events over the other. You both have your own things going on and that’s fine.” mekkavelli

3 points (3 votes)
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6. AITJ For Not Going To My Grandma's Funeral?

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“I’m the youngest grandchild by 6 years (now 27) and therefore have always been the odd one out. My sister is 10 years older than me and has always been close to our family.

My dad passed away when I was 10 and after he did my connection with my extended family (including my grandma) was very limited. I went to my dad’s funeral and it’s a trauma I still struggle with to this day.

I went to my grandpa’s funeral a few years ago (because I felt like I had to) and had panic attacks for two weeks after it was over.

My grandma passed away unexpectedly two days ago and I’m grieving, but I’m certain that I’m not going to another funeral because I know what will happen to me.

The funeral is in the same church as where my dad and grandpa’s services were and I know that will reinforce my trauma. I told my sister this after she sent me the invitation from the family and she got very angry with me.

She called me disrespectful and ungrateful. I told her about the panic attacks I had after our grandpa’s funeral and how I know it’s going to happen again (which is a big deal for me because my sister and I are not close so telling her was a big hurdle for me).

My sister is a social worker and I expected her to understand, but she didn’t.

I didn’t know my grandma very well, but I know she cares about my well-being and I don’t think honoring her memory by going there and making it a traumatic experience is what she would have wanted.

My sister didn’t agree and told me going to her funeral is what is expected of me as her granddaughter. My older brother agrees with my sister, and my mom is trying to keep the peace by not taking a side, but I feel like she is also judging me for not wanting to go.

My sister keeps putting me on the spot asking very personal questions and asking how I would feel if my granddaughter wouldn’t come to my funeral. I already had a panic attack after telling her why I wouldn’t go because even talking about my dad’s funeral is a trigger for me, but she doesn’t seem to care.

My trauma is about more than just the funeral. I never got the chance to truly process the grief surrounding my father’s death and that’s something I now as an adult am still struggling with.

I am getting professional help with that, but it’s a long road and I’m nowhere near ready to go back to the place where so much of it was caused.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

Your situation is admittedly somewhat unusual and unique, so you will be subverting expectations by not going, but I think for an understandable reason. I get why your also-grieving family is upset, but I still don’t think you should go if it will cause you so much distress!

Instead, send a huge floral arrangement and meet up with the family for the post-funeral reception.

That way, you can show your love and support at the funeral (via the flowers) and be there to mourn with your family afterward, while not having to go to the problematic event itself.

I am so sorry for your loss.” UnicornOnTheJayneCob

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I’m sorry for your losses.

Don’t go if it’s going to mess with you. If you want, you can always celebrate your grandma in a way that is meaningful to you without being forced to confront death when you’re not ready.

I wasn’t able to attend my grandma’s burial this summer because it was in another country, so my brother and I had to stream it. In the scheme of things, I know she wouldn’t hold it against me, my not being there didn’t mean I loved her any less when she was still here, just like how yours wouldn’t hold it against you.

A funeral is often for the benefit of the survivors.

Your sister is a jerk for making an issue out of this, but she might be responding to a false impression that you’re making the funeral all about you and your mental health by declining to attend.

Let her think that if that’s the case. Sometimes you have to put yourself ahead of whatever nonsense people are trying to put you through, and the people who want you to be a doormat will usually be the ones who scream loudest about boundaries being set.” ennomine

3 points (3 votes)
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Alliauraa 2 months ago
NTJ but wow your sister is. She lost her father as a young adult, you were a Child, then the very people you're obligated to mourn abandoned you but now you're expected to drop everything for them because they died? No. Just no.
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5. AITJ For Asking My Husband To Lessen His Fancy Cooking?

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“My (31f) husband (32m) got into cooking about a year ago. He started small but has quickly come to love making elaborate, fancy dishes.

At first, I was super excited about this.

It gave him a hobby other than video games/screen time and of course, I loved getting to eat all the great dishes he cooked!

However, things have now gotten to a challenging place.

I lost my job three months ago so our income has decreased somewhat. My husband hasn’t switched to cheaper ingredients or cooking fewer times per week. He will sometimes buy a large number of ingredients only to use a few of them for the actual dish (since he can only buy some stuff in large quantities regardless of how much he actually needs).

We are constantly drowning in leftovers. I get stressed trying to eat up everything before he cooks the next thing. We still have food waste, despite my efforts.

I have tried to talk to him about this, plan out meals for the week, and encourage him to scale back on either the number of fancy meals cooked or the intensity of each meal (number of ingredients and amount of leftovers created).

This hasn’t worked. He is still cooking in the exact same way. He says he doesn’t know how to spend less or buy fewer ingredients since he’s not good enough at cooking yet to make adjustments to the recipes he uses.

He also says he doesn’t want to cook fewer times per week because then he will get out of the habit and lose his skills.

I finally put my foot down and told my husband that, for the good of our financial security and our household stress, I would really like him to cook only two fancy meals per week.

He was upset and said I was being unsupportive and ungrateful. We haven’t come to a compromise yet.

AITJ for asking my husband to scale back his fancy cooking?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, one of the best skills you can learn as a cook is how to plan your dishes so that you don’t waste ingredients.

This goes into meal planning as well. All those ingredients he buys in large amounts but only needs a little? He needs to plan the following recipes to use up what’s leftover from the first dish, this idea carries on forever.

For example, you should never be in a position where you buy a bunch of parsley only to use a few sprigs and throw the rest away. That’s bonkers. There are so many other recipes you can make where parsley is an ingredient.

A large bunch of parsley could most likely handle up to 3 recipes if they’re not the main ingredient. You just have to search and plan for that specifically.

You can make fancy meals without using expensive ingredients.

It’s about what you’re searching for when you’re looking for recipes. If he can adjust the way in which he searches, he can accommodate that. There’s no reason he has to use truffles and saffron in every dish he produces.

You can make a beautiful and complex dish with much more common ingredients.

Can I ask where exactly he gathers his recipes from? What is his planning process for shopping and the week’s dishes?” funnyflowers1321

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you’re completely reasonable – BUT if he is the main wage earner and he wants to spend a lot on cooking, he can and if he’s not hearing you then it’s just going to keep causing stress and conflict by you bringing it up.

There are a couple of things here you can do aside from talking and hoping he listens. I would weigh everything that gets thrown out, put your leftovers, and your rotten ingredients in a big mixing bowl and weigh it as you do a fridge clean out and make a chart so he can see how much food is going into the bin each week.

Hopefully, when he sees you’re throwing out 5,10,15kg of wasted food he’ll ease up (this is the way my partner’s restaurant trains new staff, so they can visualize how much food is wasted when they over-served portions or screw up orders.)

Secondly, stop eating what he’s cooking and stop praising him.

Is his cooking part of a cycle of approval, where he feels good planning, he feels good learning but he feels best that he’s ‘done a good job!’ Stop eating what he puts out (make your own meals on the days you’ve said are not fancy cook days) and refuse to eat if he cooks.

It’s not a punishment, and don’t buy into any fights he might try and start about ‘if you’re against good waste then you should eat’ – just let him know he can cook what he wants when he wants but you’re not interested in the process or the products.

The dude can cook every day and twice on Sunday if he wants, but if he wants you to be involved in the process, if he wants you to listen to how it went for him, what he did, what he learned, if he wants your attention, support and approval when it comes to cooking – that’s now going to have to be on your terms.” Competitive-Sundae11

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

As the home economist and main cook in our house, I have a firm stare for your husband.

Reducing most recipes is simple arithmetic. It’s really not that hard. My kid with dyscalculia learned fractions by scaling recipes. He can also choose recipes that are already scaled for a smaller yield, or learn to freeze leftovers.

Point out to the dude that there’s also a lot of skill and work in planning economical meals that are delicious. Making inexpensive ingredients do something tasty is at the root of much of the world’s best cooking.

Invite him to try challenges like making a week of meals on the USDA thrift budget, which is presently about $4 per person per day. There are books, like Cheap and Good, dedicated to that.

There’s also a lot of thought and study out there about the environmental and economic impact of a constant luxury diet. Simple doesn’t have to be dull or unpalatable, and there are occasions for elaborate food, but there is a moral case to be made for simplicity.

I’m good at this stuff from necessity and long practice and have fed my house well on budgets comparable to the USDA thrift budget. Let me know if you’d like resources or support for dude—if he’s willing to learn.” Amiedeslivres

3 points (3 votes)
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corgigirl 1 month ago
After meals, put meal size portions in containers and freeze them. They will be great for meals later, when he has finally pulled his head out of his curious.
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4. WIBTJ If I Ask My Upstairs Neighbor To Be Quiet?

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“I live in an apartment complex built in 1978 meaning it is older building materials, not well insulated, soundproofed, etc. I have lived here for approx 8 years and have had 3 upstairs neighbors above me.

I have been lucky that all 3 prior neighbors have been pretty quiet and we got along great. I should mention that I also have some fairly severe anxiety/complex post-traumatic stress disorder.

I have a new neighbor named ‘Gary’ who moved in about 3 months ago. I have met Gary and spoken cordially with him a few times. He seems very nice and has a small dog & cat.

Gary also has a partner, ‘Greta,’ who seems to be staying there more and more.

Now to the ‘noise’ issue. Gary (and Greta I guess) seem to drop stuff or kick off their shoes and move stuff/furniture around quite a bit every day.

It sounds like bombs going off below and scares me and my cat a lot. Yesterday Greta came home and almost immediately it sounded like she fell over something – there was a huge thud and things went dropping/rolling across the floor.

I seriously thought about going to see if she was okay because it was so loud.

Also, and this is my main issue, Greta has a very shrill voice and, especially, laugh.

I am a poor sleeper due to my PTSD/anxiety. Gary and Greta seem to stay up most of the night, talking, laughing, and doing other normal things.

None of my business normally, but Greta’s shrill laughter wakes me up at least 2x per night.

I have taken to wearing earplugs most of the time at night, but sometimes she laughs so loud and shrill that it still wakes me up. Sleeping with earplugs in triggers my PTSD and also prevents me from wearing a sleep mask which I often need because of PTSD.

It’s hard for me to wear both at the same time.

I am having some pretty bad anxiety regarding this situation although I know that sounds silly. My sleep is already an issue and having this added to it is kind of wrecking me.

I feel like I’m being a jerk about some probably normal things. It’s just that none of my other neighbors ever made a noise like this to this extent. And I know I’m not always a super quiet person either because I do laugh loudly and have a strong voice plus a bad cat who needs to be yelled at frequently.

I don’t want to be unreasonable and also don’t want to ‘shame’ this girl for her voice/laugh. And I don’t even know how to address the ‘can you stop dropping things’ or if I should because that’s mostly during the day.

And it may be the animals, which isn’t really something to complain about.

Would I be the jerk if I spoke with Gary and asked him to try not to drop things, move things, throw things, etc.? And, most importantly, to also speak with Greta and ask her to try not to laugh so loudly after 11:00 pm.

Would I be LESS of a jerk if I didn’t single out Greta and her voice and just tell Gary that I can hear them frequently during the night and it’s disruptive to my sleep?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for wanting to have this conversation BUT you need to approach it properly and don’t throw accusations at them.

I think a casual conversation of – hey I know you’ve been here only a few months, but I don’t know if you’d noticed that the walls and soundproofing suck in this building.

I’d really appreciate it if you could keep noise to a minimum after 11 pm because I’ve been woken up a few times and don’t cope well with broken sleep.

If they ask you what you mean, maybe focus on the loud noise and loud voices.

Definitely do not focus on her specific voice in the first conversation.

Also, be warned, this conversation could go either way. I had this problem with neighbors, and if anything each conversation we had with them made it worse, to the point they started having parties until 4 am as a giant screw you.

Luckily they moved out after a year, but I was on the verge of tears most days from lack of sleep.” flying_pingu

Another User Comments:

“Ooh, man. I’m really torn on this as I’ve been on both sides of that coin, and I worked overnights for the better part of a decade so I had to sleep during the day.

I’m going with… no jerks here. It doesn’t sound like they’re doing anything really abnormal, they’re just existing… and they’re naturally loud. I have some sensory issues in particular with loud voices/laughs and I know what a struggle that can be.

I can’t imagine putting PTSD on top of that! You can’t help it that you have sleeping issues, and it doesn’t sound like they can help to be naturally loud. That being said, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking them (since you already established a rapport) if they could be a little quieter.

If you’re comfortable you could bring up that you have some sleeping problems already that make you a terribly light sleeper. I hope this helps!” Frenchiefreak

Another User Comments:

“YWBTJ. They have to be able to do normal things like walk around, set things down, talk, and laugh. They shouldn’t have to be silent or super careful because you are noise sensitive. Get a white noise machine, it will help.” SuperLoris

2 points (4 votes)
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Foofer 1 month ago
Have you heard them f...king? Bring that up. "Hey, i heard you had a good time last night, but you might want to try an keep noise down" and then the schtick about insulation an soundproof
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3. AITJ For Excluding Someone From A School Play?

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“In year 11, J (17F) and Maddison (18F) were in the school play with me (17F). Maddison and J were cast in the same main role. At the time (2020), J was a transfer student and loved musicals.

Throughout rehearsals, she would often bring up the idea of doing a musical next year, like A Very Potter Musical or The Theater Offensive. Her other suggestions were: most standard Tumblr meme musicals, Heathers, and a Monty Python musical.

Unfortunately, our theatre teacher (who had a soft spot for J because they’re from the same country), overheard and suggested that we (me, Maddison, and J) direct the school production next year for our project.

Here’s the thing tho – J is not good at the theatre. Throughout rehearsals, Maddison is experienced + good at acting. But J is really low-energy. Maddison insisted J was good, just tired (J mentioned she had some chronic fatigue issues but I think she’s exaggerating) tho honestly she just seemed bad at acting.

Now normally I would have just told her in person that I did not want to do the play with her next year because of these reasons but J is a massive crybaby.

She makes a big deal about being ‘excluded’. Like sometimes in class, I’d make plans with my friends without really acknowledging her, which annoyed her because she thought it was rude (I don’t see why).

So basically, she was still not picking up on my clues that I didn’t want to be around her much, and even sent me a SPREADSHEET with her ideas for musicals so I tried to shut her up by telling her I’d found a full script for A Very Potter Musical online and we could do that.

Instead, Maddison and I spent summer break writing the script for next year’s play. When we got back, in year 12, J was annoyed about feeling left out and didn’t audition for the play, though she had another of her tantrums on the day of the play.

Now, in year 13, a few days before winter break, I’d been called in by the school counselor asking me about the situation. Basically, J had accused me of disrupting lit class multiple times by going on discord calls, or just talking loudly while she was trying to work (I did do those things but not regularly, and she could easily ignore it).

Our counselor (bless her) thought there was something underlying so she probed and J basically said I had ‘excluded’ her from the school play and ‘squandered’ her last chance to perform (our school bans year 13s from performing because of exams).

I explained to the counselor that J chose not to audition for the play so it wasn’t my fault, but the counselor said I might’ve been in the wrong without knowing it.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, how are you going to act cruel towards J all year (not acknowledging someone in your group when you’re making plans IS very rude) and then be surprised when she’s upset over it? Instead of offering to help her in theatre or at least taking any of her ideas into consideration, you deliberately excluded her.

You are lucky that you are still very young and have a chance to reflect and change your behavior before it becomes a permanent part of your personality and how you treat others.” purpleigloos

Another User Comments:

“Here’s a crazy thought, maybe be outright with people instead of messing with their feelings? You don’t explicitly say anything to her; just drag her along when it’s convenient.

You say it’s because she’s a ‘crybaby,’ yet not once have you said anything positive about this girl, I can see why she’s sensitive around you. You did more damage stringing her along than just ending it earlier—including making her miss her final chance at a play.

That was your chance to be honest with her, but you instead lied and went behind her back. I don’t see how you don’t see yourself as a jerk here.

You’re literally being a bully instead of being upfront.

J is supposedly more immature for throwing tantrums, yet you’re the one not mature enough to be honest with people. Even the counselor knew what you were doing was wrong, not much of a bigger sign than that.

YTJ, do better.” User

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Stop acting so superior to J. I bet not everyone thinks you’re as good at acting as you think you are. You’re taking this way too seriously and you’re ruining it for kids like J.

And you shouldn’t have been disrespecting everyone else and your teacher by disrupting class like that; you may not care about the class but other people do so you shouldn’t ruin it for them.

So what if J isn’t a good actor? A lot of teens who do school plays aren’t good actors. They’re still learning but you’re acting like they have to be as good as professional actors. You’re being really mean and unfair.” No_Confidence5235

2 points (2 votes)
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2. AITJ For Trying To Make My Maid Of Honor Wear Something That Covers Her Arms?

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“I (29f) got engaged in late 2019. My fiancé (31m) and I had to wait out the global crisis for a number of reasons and as a result, we’re getting married in mid-2022.

I’m adding this detail because my Maid of Honor, my sister (32f, we’ll call her Anna) was asked to be a part of the wedding party almost 2 years ago, and has been privy to the wedding details for a while now.

Anna is one of my best friends and I always knew she’d be in my bridal party. She’s been a big help with the planning so far and made the process really enjoyable despite the setbacks – until now.

Recently, she’s become an increasingly more active feminist and has been doing some really great work to support women in her field. Nothing wrong with this per se, but it’s caused her to do, say and push for some things which are making these last crucial months really stressful.

Last week, Anna came to me with a suggestion for a dress change. I agreed because the alternative she presented is pretty and not too different from the style she decided on months ago (I chose a color, length, and fabric, and the girls picked out dresses from a site that fit these criteria, and each one was able to choose a style which they were comfortable wearing).

The main difference between the two is that the old dress was long-sleeved and the new dress she wants is sleeveless.

A few days ago, she posted on social about how she’s rejecting unfair beauty standards for women and encouraging others to do the same.

She even made TikToks of herself grooming her pits in an outfit that was purposefully chosen to reveal her pit hair. When I saw them, I reached out and asked if she changed dresses specifically so her armpit hair would show, and she became incredibly defensive.

I explained that I would prefer she chooses a different dress if she doesn’t want the old one, cause while I probably wouldn’t even have noticed her pits in the strapless dress, I’ve definitely noticed now and I don’t want my wedding to be about her pits.

She was super offended, and the bridal party is divided, with a few people calling me a bridezilla for going back on my word to let them choose what they feel comfortable wearing, and for body-shaming my sister.

Please don’t think that I’m trying to bash feminism. I identify as a feminist too, and I would never presume to tell another woman to shave even though it’s my personal preference, but this genuinely feels like she’s trying to use my wedding as an occasion to make herself the center of attention.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

Who is looking at the MOH’s armpits at a wedding? You already told her she could wear the dress and to change your mind because you are worried her body hair might upstage you is definitely bridezilla territory.

Maybe she did change her dress to stand up for this cause, but that doesn’t mean it is an attention-grabbing thing. Maybe it is more for her own self-confidence. And if your friends and family are more interested in a woman with body hair than you at your wedding, then you might want to be looking for new friends anyways…” geleisen

Another User Comments:

“NTJ people should not use others’ special events as an opportunity for themselves to make statements.

For those saying that there’s no reason to think she is trying to make a statement…come on. The timing and context make it a reasonable conclusion especially since she won’t commit to not doing reaction TikToks” [deleted]

Another User Comments:

“Hmm.

This is a hard one.

While I 100% support your MOH wanting to challenge unfair beauty standards, I do not support any attempt to disrupt your wedding and she may ultimately do that.

Truth be told as long as everyone is being respectful that shouldn’t happen.

I would say NTJ but try and have a really open heart-to-heart with her. Take the energy out of the conversation.

Diffuse that anger. Tell her she 100% has your support, but you’re worried about other people causing a scene. Don’t fall out over a bit of body hair.” Full_Worldliness1480

Another User Comments:

“I think I have to go with everyone sucks here.

Honestly, if she specifically wanted a dress change just to show off her armpit hair that’s not cool to make your wedding about her empowerment…

But also, you did let your bridal party pick out dresses from a certain criteria, and this dress DOES fit the criteria.

I think she shouldn’t use your wedding to try to make herself get attention for rejecting traditional beauty norms, but also, I don’t think you rejecting the dress simply because her armpits will be unshaved is okay, either, especially since you approved the dress/style of dress.

So I think she sucks if she really is making this about showing off her body hair, but you also suck for making the dress choice ‘not okay’ specifically BECAUSE of the body hair, you know?” The-Moocat

2 points (2 votes)
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corgigirl 1 month ago
One of my daughter's bridesmaids did not shave, pits or legs and did not use deodorant. My daughter was okay with that but when the BM showed up at the wedding, she proudly showed my daughter her shaved pits, and said "this is how much I love you". We all thought that was so sweet. This was done privately while the bridesmaids and bride were getting ready, BTW. Unless she hangs bells from her pit hair, I doubt anyone will notice. Don't lose a friend over it.
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1. AITJ For Not Helping My Mom Calm Down?

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“I’m in a family where love for my mom is about anticipating needs. She doesn’t communicate when she is angry. Part of what makes her angry is that we don’t intuitively know what we did to upset her.

Or that we always forget to do things she asked us to do. So there’s a lot of her saying she’s fine or nothing is wrong while she is very obviously upset.

The trouble is that sometimes I and my brother definitely do forget to do stuff around the house or are accidentally inconsiderate. But it’s never on purpose. I think she takes it as us not caring about her.

But we can’t have a conversation about it because she doesn’t communicate. And she will spend all day stewing about what made her angry.

As a result, I think I’m hyper-sensitive to when she becomes upset.

For a while, my response was to launch into interrogative questions forcing her to communicate. Or desperately try different things to see what makes her less angry. Now, I don’t try.

I don’t blame her for being angry at whatever it is she’s angry at or being unable to communicate about it, but it’s not my job to figure out what it is on my own.

Nor should I be pushing her buttons like that. Basically, AITJ for no longer actively trying to soothe my mom?

Her being visibly irritated triggers me really hard and I become like a child trying to figure out what I did.

Sometimes I realize it’s not even about me but I always assume I did something. That being said, if it is something I did, then I probably was the ‘jerk’… so I don’t want my not trying to fix it or address it to be misconstrued as not caring.

But I don’t want to fish for it every time. I don’t think I should have to do that. Is that wrong? Please be honest about what you think, especially if you’re from a family system that’s bad at communicating (should be most people).”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

From what you’ve said, she sounds a bit self-absorbed. She is the one acting like a teen and you’re acting like an adult. I doubt she means to make you feel anxious about her moods, but that’s not a pass for her to continue.” sewarlock

Another User Comments:

“You want the honest opinion of someone who has been and subsequently lived with a grown child? Probably YTJ.

Your mother would try to ‘communicate’ with you, and you would blow her off, she would get annoyed but try not to yell at you because you’re her kid and she loves you, but you would badger her about it.

Now you want permission to continue to ignore her but not feel bad about it.

All this could be avoided if you’d just done the dishes when she asked. Or – a crazy concept I know – because they’re dirty. Or would that be anticipating the dishes’ needs?

That’s my honest take.” WokeJabber

0 points (2 votes)
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Alliauraa 2 months ago
Wokejabber is misunderstanding the situation.
NTJ
If the adults in a child's life don't teach them effective communication skills, who will?
Bosses, who will fire them for failing to properly communicate.
Your mother needs to put up a chore chart where expectations are clearly visible and stop making you play 20 questions trying to figure out what it is you neglected to do.
I'd set her off myself by saying "use your words lady, you taught me to speak".
Obviously I got backhanded a lot growing up, but it my dad.
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