People Seek Advice About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

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In psychology, there are only two things that people resort to when faced with challenging situations – fight or flight. Depending on a person's judgment, each of us has different responses to unfavorable instances. Some people get overwhelmed by intense emotions and do the first thing that comes to their minds and that's either yell and scream or run and hide. Once the adrenaline wears off, that's when the question comes up, "Was I a jerk when I reacted like that?" Here are a few stories from people who don't know if they were the jerk or not, and they really need your advice! Read on and let us know who you think the jerk is. AITJ = Am I the jerk? WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk YTJ = You're the jerk

21. WIBTJ If I Drove 400 Miles To Confront My Older Brother?

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“I am one of four siblings (2 boys and 2 girls) we’re all between 30-42 years old and three of us are married except for our one middle brother. The middle brother has always had problems in school and socially and when he got older he was being able to keep a job and pay his bills. Our mother would always guilt the rest of us into ‘taking care of’ our middle brother financially once we all moved away.

We all agreed to equally contribute so the burden wouldn’t fall on our parents who wanted to retire. Our oldest brother always hated this idea and resented middle brother for being able to get away with being lazy his whole life and blames our mother for lowering the expectations for this one sibling and always calling him her ‘sweet sensitive boy.’ The rest of us were never able to get away with the same things the middle brother did, especially the older brother who had to do everything for him growing up.

About a year ago, my sister and I stopped equally contributing to middle brother due to financial difficulties but didn’t tell our oldest brother. He and his wife make significantly more coin than us and figured it wouldn’t make any difference financially to them and didn’t want middle brother to get literally anything. Anyway, during a family zoom call our mother casually brings up that her ‘sweet sensitive boy’ needs more help than he’s been given from his family and it came out that older brother is the only one paying and he blew a gasket.

He called us opportunists, liars, con artists, and lots of other things and finally said ‘screw you people’ and got off the call and hasn’t spoken to any of us since, not even our parents.

He’s missed two payments and the middle brother is freaking out. My parents and I tried reaching out to his wife because middle brother will be kicked out of his apartment soon unless we pay.

She earns as much as the older brother, if not more, and can easily pay but refused. She called us crazy for even asking her to go against her husband like that. Now she’s stopped taking our calls. We’re out of options and are considering driving the three states away to confront older brother into helping his family. My own husband thinks this is a bad idea and that we should let the middle brother sink or swim at this point.

Before you ask, the middle brother was tested extensively years ago and found he was neurological typical but ‘sensitive’, hence my mother’s nickname. WIBTJ if I drove all the way to physically confront older brother?

EDIT 1. the middle brother did have a job before all of the business closings but it was part-time and never enough for both rent and essentials. 2. I misspoke by saying ‘confront’.

I was really going there to plead for older brothers’ help. 3. It turns out to be a bigger deal than I thought because unknown to me, older brother had also been partly paying our parent’s mortgage and our other sister’s student loans and has stopped as of July out of spite. I guess my older brother doesn’t care what happens to the rest of us as long as he and his wife are doing ok.

I am the jerk for lying and I accept that, but not for trying to help my middle brother survive when our older brother is fully capable of helping his family, just unwilling.

LAST EDIT: I’ll be honest, almost 1k people telling me how terrible I and my whole family are is both overwhelming and untrue. It’s not like we put a gun to our older brother’s head and he fully volunteered to help our parents with their mortgage since they did pay for his college so I stand by that being 100% spiteful nonsense.

As for my other brother and sister, they can pay their own way. I agree that it’s unnecessary. The last thing I’ll say and I know it doesn’t matter because everyone’s mind is made up is that if the situation was reversed, I’d be happy to help my family if I had more coin than everyone else, but maybe that’s just me.”

Another User Comments:
“OP… you’re insane.

Completely out of your mind. Let’s review:

YOUR PARENTS ARE THE JERKS FOR…

Having zero expectations of your middle brother.

Raising him to believe that his ‘sensitivity’ got him off the hook for all responsibilities both as a child and as an adult.

Pawning him off onto his siblings and strongarming them into being financially responsible for a grown man because they wanted to retire (boo hoo!) but still couldn’t bear to ask him to lift a finger for himself.

YOUR MIDDLE BROTHER IS THE JERK FOR…

Taking emotional & financial advantage of his siblings for literally his entire life.

Depending on the rest of his family to bully his oldest brother into submission rather than confronting him on his own.

Behaving as though he has a disability that prevents him from working to support himself.

YOU & YOUR SISTER ARE THE JERKS FOR…

Playing along with your parents’ insane coddling of your middle brother & ever agreeing to be put on the hook for supporting him in the first place

Not taking your own financial instability as a clue that maybe this arrangement won’t work forever and your brother needs to either learn how to swim or be allowed to sink before he drowns all six of you

Allowing your oldest brother to unknowingly take on full financial responsibility for the leech that is your middle brother because you know full well how unfair that is to him and are too much of a coward, to be honest about it

Harassing his wife after he already shut down your nonsense himself and then considering showing up on their doorstep without warning to harass them both further, because for some reason nothing seems to shake you out of the zombie-like servile stupor that your parents have put you in.

I’m honestly so mad reading this. You’re all pathetic (except for your oldest brother; he never should have accepted this arrangement in the first place, but it is better to put his foot down late than never at all). It’s disgusting that you’ve all been brainwashed into thinking that being a ‘sweet, sensitive boy’ excuses what sounds to be a nearly 40-year-old neurotypical able-bodied adult man from making any effort to support himself instead of being a money-sucking parasite to his entire family.

The worst people here are definitely your parents, though, for creating a monster and then pushing responsibility for him onto their other children when it became inconvenient for them, rather than helping him to become an actual adult.

You’ll be lucky if your oldest brother doesn’t cut all five of you out of his life entirely. You’d deserve it. Please wake up.

Oh, and in case it wasn’t clear, YWBTJ.

EDIT: Jesus Christ somehow OP’s edit made the situation even worse. Your family has made your oldest brother responsible for the financial burdens of himself, his wife, his deadbeat brother, his sister, AND his parents. Does that sound fair to you somehow? If your financial problems get worse, are you going to expect him to be responsible for paying your bills too? And then you have the absolute gall to accuse him of cutting off these insane payments out of ‘spite’ or of ‘not caring what happens to the rest of us as long as he & his wife are okay?’ You’ve all taken so much advantage of him it’s ridiculous. It seems like you’re the ones who don’t care what happens to him as long as you all keep receiving your allowance. I hope for his sake that he never speaks to any of you again.” Sluaghlock

13 points (13 votes)
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Mell 1 week ago
I can’t even… as the mother of 2 boys and 2 girls, with one of my boys being mildly autistic… absolutely you and your family are jerks. I can’t even imagine treating my oldest like that. It’s horrific.
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20. AITJ For Not Letting My Friend Live In My Spare Room?

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“So I have this friend ‘Bill’, and we’ve been friends since we were kids and we are now both 30. He’s one of my closest friends, and we normally have a great friendship.

When I was 19, I moved away from our hometown, went to uni, did some traveling, and have now settled in a town several hours away. I have a good job, great friends – I’m pretty settled.

Two years ago my great uncle died and left me some money, and since then I’ve been saving as much as possible and I now have enough for a house deposit, which I’m pretty thrilled about. I’ve started looking for places and I’m hoping to buy a two-bed flat in the town I live in.

Bill has not done so great; he still lives with his parents in our hometown and has worked in the same supermarket for years.

I have no issue with this but sadly Bill is miserable because he hates his job, hates living with his parents, and is generally unhappy.

For several years I tried to encourage Bill to move out, and I offered him to move in with me (rent-free) for a couple of months so he could get himself together. Bill always declined, and I probably stopped mentioning it about 3/4 years ago.

So the situation: Bill knew I’d been left this money by my uncle, but a week ago we were chatting on the phone and I was telling him about viewing a flat soon. Bill straight up asked me if he could live in my spare room whenever I purchased my place. We haven’t talked about it in so long, so I basically said I would think about it and let him know.

Bill seemed pretty unhappy by this (I think he was expecting me to not hesitate) but said he hoped I made up my mind soon.

A few days ago, I called Bill back and said unfortunately I don’t think it’d be a good idea and he was so angry but also sad, it was horrible. The conversation was pretty long but he basically accused me of ‘lying’ to him, when I offered he could live me and said I was a terribly unsupportive friend etc.

etc.

The thing is, I was like 24-26 when I offered Bill my sofa, but life is different now. I have a partner, a goddaughter who I want to sleep over lots, and now I’m a bit older I just don’t want to share my living space. Also, I hadn’t said anything to Bill about living together in years and he’d never mentioned it.

I feel really bad about this situation and when I spoke to a mutual friend, she just said it would be nice for me to let Bill stay with me for a bit, but otherwise ‘didn’t want to get involved in the argument.

I feel like such a jerk but AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“Of course you’re NTJ. People on Reddit are going to tell you he’s entitled and you should drop him, etc etc. But, my view of truth is, it sounded like he just banked on the idea that he’d always have the option of living with you if things got really bleak. They likely are, but life has also moved on so, you’re not in the position to make the same offer. There is no problem in that. Friendships lie and grow in these difficult situations. He probably can’t see beyond his pain and frustration at the world right now. However, I’d recommend you let him know you’re always going to be his friend and hopefully, once he’s in a place to see beyond the hurt, you can pick up your friendship.” SSHI6

9 points (9 votes)
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Nema15 1 week ago
You’re definitely NOT the jerk!! You guys hadn’t talked about it in years and he just assumed that it was an “open” invitation with no expiration date!! As you said, your older now and your life is moving in a different direction. That happens, it’s life, always moving and changing. Don’t feel bad at all!!
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19. AITJ For Not Participating In My Friend's Stunt To Sell His Ketchup To A Restaurant?

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“My friend, Zoltar, has been obsessed with ketchup ever since I met him. He is always trying out different recipes to make his own ketchup and getting me and all our friends to try them. Recently he made ‘his best ketchup yet’. I tried it. It wasn’t bad. It was ketchup. Now he has decided he is ‘finally going to break into the ketchup game.’

He is convinced he is going to launch his own ketchup company and grow it to be one of the top providers of ketchup in the US.

He literally has a photo of Heinz ketchup on a dartboard. He throws darts at it and mutters things like ‘I’m coming for YOU’.

Anyways he has a scheme he wants me and others to participate in. Essentially it involves us all going to a restaurant, sitting at different tables, and enacting lines from a scene he wrote that will culminate in all of us trying and loving his ketchup and convincing the manager to buy it.

He wants us all to memorize lines.

The gist of it is one guy is supposed to call over a waitress and say he likes the french fries but hates the ketchup. I am supposed to lean over (from another table) and say ‘Sorry to butt in, hah hah, but I have to agree. I’m tired of this old-fashioned, factory-produced ketchup. Where’s the real tomato flavor?’ After a few other people do this, my friend is going to say ‘You guys won’t believe this, but I’m a ketchup chef, and I have a few samples.

Would you want to give it a shot?’

At this point, everyone is supposed to try the ketchup and act astounded by it, and basically all exclaim it is the best ketchup they ever had. I am supposed to stand up on my table and ‘make a trumpet sound effect’ and then yell to the entire restaurant ‘We have the best ketchup ever made over here! Everyone come on over!’

One of the other people is supposed to get the manager of the place over and we are all supposed to try to convince him or her to buy an order of my friend’s ketchup.

He is going to act ‘surprised and embarrassed’ and try to tell us to ‘stop putting this poor guy on the spot’ in regards to the manager. He then assumes he will make a ‘huge sale’. Then he wants to do this same ‘operation’ at other places in town.

I told him no way am I doing this. I hate public speaking/acting and having attention focused on me, also the idea is just so dumb and crazy to me.

I told him that straight up. He acted offended and said I am ‘ruining his dreams.’

I am astounded by this but some of my friends agree and think he is showing ‘hustle’ and that we should all help him launch his ketchup business. Aside from his ketchup obsession Zoltar is one of my best friends but it seems our friendship is being ruined. A lot of people are telling me I am a jerk for going against his dream and not helping out.”

Another USer Comments:
“LOL this cannot be real. I am laughing so hard right now.

NTJ. Your friend needs a reality check. If ketchup is his dream, go hustle to the owners of local restaurants. This isn’t the way.” Bethany

5 points (5 votes)
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HappyManiac 1 week ago
This seems like 99.7% imagination and .3% fantasy, if it was really that amazing of ketchup, then he should start with small diners and talk to the manager or owner man to man, and let his product speak for itself. Because that entire scenario sounds like Punk'd and Saturday Night Live.
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18. AITJ For Calling Out My Partner's Duck Obsession?

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“My significant other (27M) and I (23F) decided to move in together for quarantine. Everything has gone well. We both work from home and have barely left the apartment. We’ve split the chores, have a cooking schedule that we mostly follow, and even coordinated ‘alone time’ with each other.

Well, last week during his alone time, my significant other captured five of the ducklings that live around our apartment.

He claims their mother was nowhere nearby. I have a hard time believing this, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

When he showed me the ducks, I expressed my concern. I told him that ducklings grow fast and will overrun our apartment plus carry germs. He said that he gave them baths when he brought them in. When I asked to contain them in one area, he refused, saying that they deserve just as much space as us.

He said he is welcoming them into our family and will treat them as equals. Apparently, this includes turning our heater to 85 degrees. He has also spread old newspapers all across our apartment and put down water dishes that constantly get spilled. I’ve stepped on their food more than a few times and have resorted to wearing shoes 24/7 to avoid grain in between my toes.

I know I should’ve put my foot down when he first brought them in, but he’s been so bored with staying in that I thought it would be okay for him to amuse himself for a while. I figured it wouldn’t be long before he released them. I was wrong.

He is attached to the ducklings and has named the ducks to ‘honor their connection to the earth.’ They are called Twig, Bumble, Seed, Sprout, and Pebble.

If I call one ‘duck,’ he gets upset and says I am disrespecting it. When I mix up the names he gets frustrated, saying that I should know that Pebble is mostly brown with a few yellow spots throughout while Seed is much lighter than the rest. But to me, they all look the same.

He’s kept his word about cleaning up after the ducks, but our utility bills have gone up from the constant heat and how often he washes blankets.

Nowhere is safe from poop except the closet, and one of the ducks has been poking its head between the accordion doors. It’s only a matter of time before they get in by accident. When I pointed this out, he started talking about how proud he was of Bumble for being so smart.

This morning, I woke up to one of the ducks on my chest. Apparently, my significant other set up a ramp to the bed after I was asleep so that ‘his babies could experience true comfort.’

I completely exploded.

I told him that he is a grown man who has no other hobbies except worshipping poultry that is incapable of caring about him. He told me I was being overdramatic and that he has been on top of caring for the ducks and I had no room to criticize him for saving innocent ducklings. He’s been ignoring me all day, and I overheard him venting to a couple of the ducks about my behavior.

I feel bad for exploding on him. The ducks are annoying, but he’s right that he’s been taking care of them. AITJ for calling him out?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In fact, I think you’re a saint for tolerating this as long as you have. It sounds like your boyfriend is not coping with being cooped up (heh) very well.

These ducks are wild animals. It’s cruel to you and to the ducks to remove them from their natural environment, and probably a violation of your lease. I understand that the pandemic makes things difficult, but you’re entirely reasonable to put your foot down about this.

EDIT: I realize that this is missing the point but, how the heck am I single? I mean, I’m fat and kind of ugly, but I’m not keeping a flock of ducks as roommates.”  DukeMaximum

5 points (5 votes)
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cino 1 week ago
This absolutely cannot be real, what the actual heck
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17. AITJ For Being Upset When My Wife Accused Me Of Not Wiping My Butt?

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“My (26f) spouse (29m) accused me of not knowing when I had literal poop sitting in my crack and it is upsetting me. He thinks I am overreacting.

Story: I used the bathroom this evening to discover a smooshed turd was stuck to the back of my upper leg. I panic, trying to figure out what happened to cause that. I found remnants of said turd inside the leg of my shorts, but not in my underwear.

I also found a poop spot on the couch where I had been relaxing with my spouse. I panic clean and go to chat with my spouse about the event.

Noteworthy events of the day: I hadn’t even pooped since yesterday morning. And I had showered since then.

I ask my spouse if he had any explosive poops today (grasping for crumbs, did not accuse him of pooping and not noticing, just asked prior to explaining the situation).

He had been having some stomach problems the last week so just figured it was an easy thing to rule out.

He proceeds to tell me how it is probably because I primarily fart in the bathroom and I probably just didn’t realize I also pooped and it just dangled there all day. I was appalled that was his reaction and asked if I had been dirty down there before that would make him think that.

To which he replied no.

I got upset and hurt by his accusation that I do not know how to clean myself and we had a big fight.

After a more thorough examination of the turd while I was cooling down I conducted a closer sniff test only to discover it was chocolate. I recalled I had dropped chocolate chips I was snacking on earlier and thought I found them all.

Whew. Relief.

Am I the jerk for getting upset and causing a fight because my spouse’s reaction was to accuse me of not having good hygiene?

EDIT: thanks ya’ll. I recognize I clearly was the jerk. I was panicked trying to figure out what happened when I was positive it wasn’t my poop and took my spouse’s comment poorly due to my panic/freakout about how poop got on my pants.

I also recognize I am the jerk for unintentionally asking my spouse if he was the one who dumped my pants as I never meant to imply that.

I should have inspected the poop better right away and avoided the whole situation, although I still believe it smelled like poop on my first whiff, which was definitely just my imagination going wild due to the panic I was feeling.

Regardless we made up, I apologized for taking his comment poorly and we laughed. May we never have to deal with poop-induced panic again (at least for a long time).”

Another User Comments:
“Obviously YTJ?? So what basically happened was the following:

You: “I have poop on my pants. Husband, did you poop in my pants?”

Husband: “No….? Did you poop in your pants?”

You: “HOW DARE YOU!” Baby_Rhino

5 points (7 votes)
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Lori 2 days ago
It was chocolate..... that's hilarious
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16. WIBTJ Boss If I Tell My Employees They Can No Longer Have Days Off?

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“I have found myself in the role of a middle manager. I do not like managing people and I do not think I am good at it but it is part of my position. I have an employee, a receptionist, who calls out 3 or more days every month. Our company gives them enough sick/vacation pay to do so.

Our company is small and laid back about flexible schedules, time-off requests, and working remotely for most positions (especially senior management).

However, this position is required to be here. The receptionist is responsible for opening/staffing the building. Their position just does not allow them the flexibility to call out this much (although I understand that many people in senior management do the exact same thing). They have expressed that it is unfair and would like us to hire a backup employee to be on-call the same hours as them so there is always a cover.

They claim it is too much stress that they have to be here and it is unreasonable (what if they need to leave in the middle of a shift), but it is not financially feasible for us to hire someone to be on-call.

No other employees/managers are open to the idea that we always have at least one of them scheduled in the building and rotate ‘covering’ responsibilities.

(It does not help that my boss does not like this employee and would prefer if they quit.)

However, I agree with the employee that it is unfair that they are solely responsible for making sure the building is open. Other managers and I are usually open to covering when a real emergency/illness comes up. However, it is nearly every week we get a text from this employee saying they won’t be in because they had a stressful day yesterday, didn’t get enough sleep last night, or just had something come up.

WIBTJ if I told them this is the reality of the position and brought it to HR/discipline them for excessive time-off (even if they have the vacation/sick pay to cover it)?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but get HR involved. 3x/month? that’s 36 sick days/year. Wow. That’s beyond excessive. Someone usually has the burden of ‘manning’ the front door, it is not a pleasant job, but I’m assuming that was a known responsibility when the receptionist accepted the role? Job duties have not changed, He/she is not meeting the job duties and it seems they aren’t meeting them because they aren’t managing their life well enough…

calling off because they didn’t get enough sleep? Had something come up? Stressed about the day before? Wow. There’s a lax time off policy, and then there’s that…” incognit017

Another User Comments:
“NTJ… It’s their job to be there; they applied for the position, agreed to the schedule, and are being compensated for the job they do… Offer them a reduced week to just 4 days instead of 5 on the condition they maintain their calling within company standard, or B) hire a replacement…

It is not practical to hire a 2nd on-call person for that job and frankly if they had an issue with the position they shouldn’t have applied to it.” cysluvme

Another User Comments:
“If the employee is given that time to take off thru PTO, vacation, sick time, etc. it is their right to use it within reasonable restrictions (I’m talking about advanced notice for vacation). YWBTA if they are following those rules and you tried to discipline them.

I’m going to criticize the organization here and ask why does it hinge on a single person to open the building every day? I don’t think that’s overly stressful, but if it’s that critical, there should be back-up.” dsking

5 points (5 votes)
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LolaB17 1 week ago
How about reallocating some of their work hours? They become part time, 3 days a week? Hire a second part time for the other 2 days.
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15. AITJ For Making My Friend Cry With My Pregnancy?

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“So I (F30) and my significant other (M32) have found out we’re expecting our first baby. We couldn’t wait to tell everyone but waited until the 12-week mark to tell our friends and family.

So we hit the 12-week mark with zero problems. We tell our parents who are absolutely ecstatic and I decide to tell my 3 friends via zoom call on Friday night. I call them and we’re chatting so I decided to tell them my news.

All three of them look incredibly happy for me and while two of my friends were asking me questions. One of my friends (we’ll call her Beth) suddenly shut off her camera.

My friends and I kept chatting and I just brushed it off that she went to the toilet or something. But when she came back, she was sniffing and looked like she had been crying.

One of my friends asked her if she was ok and she said she was. Suddenly all of them were asking Beth if she was alright, even though she was insisting she was fine.

To be honest, I was getting annoyed with her because of it. She has been struggling with fertility issues since she was 19 (now 30) and it was like she was making my news all about her.

It felt like she was stealing my thunder, so I said to her ‘Look I get you’ve had fertility issues Beth but you don’t have to make everything about you’.

She then logged off and my friends said I was being a jerk because I should be more sensitive to her needs. Frankly, I think she should be more sensitive to mine as I’m the one who’s pregnant and who’s going through a life-changing experience, not her.

It’s been a few days and Beth still hasn’t called to apologize, but my friends think I should. AITJ?

EDIT 1: To those who said I was insensitive, I’ve been friends with her since university, I’ve heard her talk about this for about 10 years and I’ve been as supportive as I can. This was supposed to be a happy moment to celebrate something that was happening to me and by shifting the conversation, she basically made my moment all about herself.

EDIT 2: Update: Due to the negative comments, I decided to reach out to try and move past this. I texted her and said ‘Hi (Beth) look, I’m sorry if you were upset the other night. But you can’t expect me to hide my pregnancy from you. If it was that upsetting, maybe you shouldn’t have come back to the zoom call. I understand you’re probably feeling emotional, but sitting there sniffling was going to attract attention, and I’m sorry but this just wasn’t about you.

I want to move past this and I’m sorry that you got upset, but I feel we both need to be adults.’

She responded with the following.

‘(OP), we have been friends for 9 and a half years and I was so happy to hear you and (the guy) were finally starting a family. But you know me and (Husband) has suffered two losses and have had our second round of fertility treatments canceled due to the health crisis.

I don’t want to make it sound like I’m making this about myself, that’s honestly the last thing I want, but I just needed a moment to compose myself because it was another reminder that it wasn’t going to happen for us for a while and I just got a bit emotional. However, I never tried to steer the conversation to talking about my issues and you didn’t need to bring it up on Zoom, even (friend 1) and (friend 2) have said you were acting like a complete bully bringing it up.

I think I need some distance for a while. I love you, but that just wasn’t fair. I’m over the moon for you guys and I’m sure you’ll make great parents. But I need some time to think.’

I tried to apologize but she wasn’t having it. I guess I’m going to wait and see how things progress from here.

EDIT 3: I honestly cannot believe some of the hurtful things ya’ll say to a pregnant woman.

Thank you to those who spoke in my favor and agreed that she shouldn’t have acted the way she did. She’s now blocked me, but not before sending me a very long ‘woe is me’ message that’s too long to post in an update. I’m just disappointed in her for wasting ten years of my life on her sorry but. I don’t need someone holding me back or putting a downer on things because of fertility and anxiety.

Here’s to finding a better support network!”

Another User Comments:
“Leah… please just stop.

Look I’m sorry if I upset you on Friday, but I’m begging you to stop. You’re making me out to be someone I’m not and I can’t take it. I’m sorry for taking the focus off you, me and James have been finding it hard lately and I mean it from the bottom from my heart that I am so happy you’re starting a family.

But you’re posting this all over the internet…. I can’t take it. Please Leah, just stop.” ffsthisisnuts

Another User Comments:
“If this is really the friend she refers to in this post, I just have to say: I am so sorry for the heartlessness of your “friend” here. My husband and I have struggled with infertility for 5+ years so I know the pain and devastation you are dealing with right now with our current situation.

Please know that NO ONE in the comments thinks YOU are the bad guy. The overwhelming response is that your “friend” here is a huge asshole and she should be completely ashamed of herself for how she has treated you. YOU have nothing to feel bad about. You have conducted yourself with grace and class, something your “friend” is very obviously missing.

I hope you don’t let her guilt you for your completely understandable reaction. Sending you love and support through this ridiculousness.” Laurainestaire

4 points (4 votes)
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kasi 1 week ago
Sorry, you are the jerk. You can’t control another persons response to how/what you say. Your friend did the mature thing: she stepped away from the call momentarily and came back when she was more composed. YOU are the one who made it all about her and harangued her. Your “apology” sucked and was only self-serving. You are no kind of friend.
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14. AITJ For Not Wanting The Custody Of My Daughter And Ex-Son-In-Law's Child?

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“My daughter and my ex-son-in-law had a four-year-long divorce for a marriage that lasted barely a year.

In that time, their daughter (14) has acted out. My daughter found her lying on the couch blackout wasted for the first time when she was 11.

My ex-son-in-law recently had a week with her in which she refused food for 4 days in a row.

I haven’t had a much better time with my granddaughter either.

Once I drove her to a birthday party and she ended up pulling a 24-hour disappearing act until finally, a friend admitted she was with him.

And the worst part is that many of the daughter’s problems weren’t reported by either side because both my daughter and ex-son-in-law feared that the other parent would lose all custody and they’d have to deal with her full time.

Now my daughter and son-in-law are at their breaking point.

They both are arguing that they don’t want custody and that the daughter is the other’s responsibility. They have both gone as far as to threaten to get themselves arrested so that they’d lose custody. My daughter even said that she was contemplating purposefully driving wasted and getting pulled over with her daughter in the front seat so she’d lose custody.

They finally turned to me and begged that I take her in.

My ex-son-in-law stood outside my house yesterday in the pouring rain for a full hour begging me to take my granddaughter in until he finally went home.

I finally emailed both of them and said that I was one year away from turning 60 and had already planned my life in a way that doesn’t involve a child.

I ended it by saying that if they both wanted their child to be living anywhere besides their homes, then it would be in a foster care facility.

AITJ? My daughter and her ex were teen parents but honestly, this is such a mess and their daughter is such a mess that I don’t feel it’s fair to make me deal with the destruction they caused.”

Another User Comments:
“ESH – you are correct that it is not your job to raise your granddaughter. However, did you read what you wrote? You have her parents arguing over who gets stuck with the girl and your biggest concern is that you aren’t the one that gets her.

Do none of you give a darn about this kid? Foster care sounds like an improvement over the jerks she has as blood family.” RedditDK2

Another User Comments:
“I don’t think OP sucks just because she has finished raising her own child (or children) and doesn’t want to take on her granddaughter. She didn’t force her daughter and son-in-law to have children. How is a 60-year-old woman going to be better equipped to handle a troubled teenager than her own parents? At least with split custody, her actual parents would get some breaks…

but instead, they want grandma to take this on 100% of the time? At least if she was going to go into foster care she would be assigned a social worker who would probably care more about getting her help than her own parents do. It sucks that this girl has the parents she does, but grandparents aren’t obligated to take over just because the parents decide they don’t want to do it anymore.” ProbablyNotADuck

4 points (6 votes)
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Gmom4597 1 week ago
This young person NEEDS stability, a Lot of counseling and Boundaries so that she can Learn how to deal with her pathetic parents. Her Grandmother doesn’t have these skills for this teenager. Sometimes our “Families “ are the ones we make, not the ones nature did.
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13. AITJ For Refusing To Return A Christmas Gift From Grandma?

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“I (19F) have a cousin that’s one year younger than me. Her mom and my dad are siblings and very close, and we’re both only children so we were raised practically like sisters.

So, our Nana would always make us come on different days before Christmas to make us open our presents from her. Maybe to make sure we never saw each other’s stuff as we opened them.

But later I would go to my cousin’s house and see her with all of these nice, wonderful gifts and get confused and upset. My stuff was never that nice or expensive. After a few years, I began to realize that I was getting the second-best stuff.

If my cousin got Nike shoes for Christmas, I would get $10 shoes from a local store. If she got a new camera, I would get a disposable one.

My clothes wouldn’t be name brand like hers. She would even get more than me sometimes. I tried really hard not to let it bother me, but it was hard not to get jealous when I saw her stuff constantly.

Last year, I got into an argument with my Nana and blew up on her. I accused her of favoritism and demanded we not get Christmas presents this year from her.

We were old enough not to need presents and I always felt like she got mine more out of obligation than a joy. She denied it strongly but said she would ‘try harder if I felt like that’. I agreed to another Christmas with her.

A week ago, I went to my grandma’s house by myself, a day before my cousin. Most of my gifts were lackluster, but I appreciated the thought and effort she put in because it was closer to what I liked than usual.

One of my gifts though made me feel great.

A pair of round-cut diamond earrings. They were gorgeous and made of 10K yellow gold. Obviously very pricey. I’d never been given something so expensive before (When I looked them up later, I found them to be over $400.) I immediately thanked her for my earrings. I was smiling the whole time and so was Nana. It felt like she finally understood what I had felt and was making up for years of treating me differently.

The next day, however, she called and said I needed to bring one of my presents back. My cousin’s earrings and mine had been swapped because she mislabeled our presents and she hadn’t realized I had the wrong ones. I was suspicious and I texted my cousin and asked for a picture of my actual gift.

Cubic Zirconia. They looked sort of similar with the shape and the color.

Furious, I refused to return the earrings. They had been labeled with my name and I was so happy to have them. My grandma should’ve pointed it out to me before I left with them. I said these would make up for all the favoritism over the years.

Even now, a week later and close to Christmas, my grandma is hounding me about them. She’s called me selfish and greedy and told me I ruined my cousin’s Christmas.

Even my cousin won’t speak to me because I stole her ‘diamonds’ and refuses to acknowledge that she always got better stuff. AITJ??”

Another User Comments:
“I gave a longtime close friend a nice pair of silver and gemstone earrings as a 40th bday gift. I had moved away, but I wanted to get her something special. I had them shipped to her house. I never heard anything from her, so I finally called her.

She said she got them, but that she didn’t love them. I was a little shocked by that response but told her I wanted her to have something she loved to remind her of our friendship. I told her to pick out something else and she could exchange them, but she said she couldn’t find anything she liked better in the catalog so I just said sorry and hung up.

The next day, thinking back on our conversation, I had a weird feeling so I checked FB marketplace. Sure enough, she was selling them. I know she didn’t need the moolah, so I just took that as a huge slap in the face. I replied SOLD to her post, then didn’t answer my phone when she immediately tried to call me. Eventually, I talked to her, expressed to her how she hurt me and sent her a check to buy the earrings from her with a paid postage envelope for her to put them in.

She sent me the earrings, withdrawn the check and that was the end of a 20-year friendship. The earrings are lovely, I wear them all the time. Hope she bought something nice with that amount.

Keep the earrings OP. Wear them and enjoy them. Ditch the grandma instead.” Sleeplesshelley

Another User Comments:
“Sell the earrings, donate the money to a charity you like, send copies of the receipt to cousin and grandma, and cut contact.

This relationship is not salvageable. Moreover, it is very likely that your cousin has always known about the issue, Grandma sounds like exactly the sort of person who would make sure she knew. They are both trashy people.” Eastofdark

Another User Comments:
“NTJ but OP your Nana and Cousin are jerks. I say your cousin is a jerk because of this ‘Even my cousin won’t speak to me because I stole her ‘diamonds’ and refuses to acknowledge that she always got better stuff.’ She clearly knows and understands the difference between $10 earrings and $400 earrings, which means she’s understood for years that she gets the better presents.

She’s enjoyed being the ‘golden grandchild’ and does not care that you have always been treated as ‘less than.’ So keep the earrings as reparations for how you were treated, go NC with both, and live your best life. They are toxic and you really do not need that in your life. Good luck!” Acceptable_Day6086

Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I say screw the grandma on giving them back.

Don’t let others tell you what is right here. Do you feel bad about keeping the earrings? If you don’t and love the earrings and can disassociate them from any ill feelings because of your grandma, then keep them.

If keeping the earrings causes you pain, it is doubtful giving them back to your grandma and selfish, entitled cousin, will make you feel any better. Likely you will feel worse.

What you COULD DO, is give them to someone needy, someone you feel would love them and has no stigma attached to the earrings. OR you could pawn the earrings and give the money to charity. That way, the earrings can now remind you of a time you were given at Christmas.” KarenMaca

Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your grandma is quite the jerk. The separate visits for Christmas make absolutely no sense to me, except of course if I was planning on giving better gifts to one of my grandchildren over the other one.

Some people may argue that you are greedy and materialistic, but I don’t see it that way. Rather, I see it as someone who just wanted their grandma to give them equal gifts as they were giving their cousin, especially because you even said that you didn’t even want gifts this year. I’m sure you wouldn’t have thought anything more about getting $10 shoes if your cousin also got the same.

As for the earrings, never give them back, and just suggest to your grandma that she buy a similar pair for cousin.” TheGallopingGhost77

3 points (3 votes)
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I 6 days ago
NTJ you might want to take a few steps back from those family members. I can understand if that’s hard to do. Do what feels best to you
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12. AITJ For Pointing Out Black Mold?

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“I (25f) have worked hard my whole life to make my parents proud. Anytime there is an issue I step up and help without prompting.

I’m home for Xmas. I’ve been saying for a while now to check for black mold as I was chronically ill living here, and get sick every time I stay in my old room (now my sister’s (10f) room). Today I got a serious headache and checked and found black mold lining her windows behind the always closed blinds.

I think I see black mold on her wall. I told them about it and they said it’s not a ‘today problem’. I’m very worried since my sister has a lot of the same mysterious unidentifiable health issues I did. After visiting, it takes months before I feel ok again.

My parents got mad at me for bringing it up and “making them look bad”, but I said it’s not their fault they didn’t know, but that their reaction now that they do know could make them look bad and they should take it seriously.

They went to bed. A shelf also fell and hit me on the head and I put it back up and cleaned the mold I could see up. I asked them to fix it first, my sister said she’s been asking as it’s been falling for months, they told me no.

I told my sister to download an app to track her physical symptoms to see if they get better.

She said she can’t without a secret code. I said, ‘interesting,’ as my dad was right there to give it. It wasn’t to be rude. He said, ”HA! Can’t wait until YOU have kids.’ I said, ‘Explain to me what you mean by that.’ He pretended he was saying he was excited about grandkids. I said, ‘Clearly not what you meant. I’m only helpful here and it’s never enough.

But you don’t have to make jabs at me in front of  little sister.’ he then said, ‘What should we do? Give her access to the whole AppStore?’ I said I had no issue with their parenting and I’d appreciate it if they assumed I had positive intent when I spoke. He kept making jabs at me so I said, ‘I’m not going to sit here and be put down while you act like that’s not what you’re doing.

I’ll take the cue and go.’ He said I was being dramatic. I went to bed. I’m upset because black mold is serious and her room has stuff falling off the walls.

Now they’re upset with everything and picking on everything I say. It’s not even Xmas and I’m considering flying back early. I even bought mold testing kits and they told me I’m overreacting and shamed me.

AITJ? I feel like I might be the jerk because I do what I feel is right but also borders overstepping. But It also wouldn’t get done without me, and absolutely didn’t when I was a kid.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not all black mold is deadly but it can make people severely ill and should be taken seriously. It sounds like your parents know once they open that wall, they will either be dealing with large mold remediation ($$$) or having to condemn the house if it’s uninhabitable.

I had a house with black mold covering the entire wall behind the kitchen cabinets. Had no idea it was there until I came home one night after work when it was raining, and found water on the kitchen floor where it shouldn’t be. We pulled back the cabinets and found about 30 square feet of black mold. We immediately blocked off the rest of the house with plastic, turned off the HVAC, and stayed in a hotel that night while we formulated a plan.

We ended up getting hazmat suits and safety respirators to literally cut the drywall out that was covered in the mold, carefully not to disturb it. We also fixed the root cause, which was plumbing vent flashing not sealed on the roof, so the water was coming inside the wall whenever it rained. I got HVAC air cleaners, scrubbed everything in bleach, and tested for mold in the air for weeks. Despite all our efforts to be safe, I was still sick for a couple of weeks after being exposed to it. I don’t mess around with black mold anymore.” aware_nightmare_85

3 points (3 votes)
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shsh1 6 days ago
Call Child Protective Services and report your parents, OP. This is a dangerous issue and maybe you can take custody of your sister until your parents have the mold removed.
1 Reply

11. AITJ For Wanting My Friend To Pay Me Back?

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“I (F19) have been drawing ect for a long time, about 10 years to be exact and although I’m not amazing, I have still been asked by friends and family for artwork and have been paid commissions before.

Recently, my friend (M20) asked me if I would be able to design a tattoo for him because he’s really wanted a tattoo sleeve and thinks it would be cool for me to design it.

I accepted and told him that I would be able to do it, if, he would give me a SPECIFIC design of what he wanted. The next day, he sent over some Pinterest pictures of ideas and concepts of things he would like (about 10 pictures were sent, all with completely different ideas for all of them, and none of them were similar at all) so I just figured okay, it’s not what I wanted but I don’t want to start anything so I’ll just work with what I’ve got.

I would also like to address the fact that it’s a week until Christmas and I have been working about 30 hours a week at my job and have been busy buying presents and organizing my younger sister’s birthday, that is on Sunday.

So far I have spent about 12 hours across a couple of days coming up with ideas (3 in total) and I am becoming incredibly stressed as my friend asked how progress was going and if I had any finalized ideas to show him.

I said I had 3 and he seemed annoyed and said ‘but I asked you basically a week ago and you’ve got nothing?’ To which I explained that I’m incredibly stressed with work and haven’t had a lot of time to work on it.

Cut to 3 days ago (conversation above was had a day before) when I was asked again by my friend if I had anything to show for the tattoo design and I said no.

He again got frustrated with me. I blew up and said that he shouldn’t expect me to completely ignore the rest of my life just for his tattoo design and that the reason it was taking me so long was that he didn’t send me a specific concept of what he wanted as I asked. I then said that if he actually wanted a quick design process he should pay me for the hours I’m spending on this design and that he shouldn’t just expect free art without some form of repayment as I’m using fairly expensive materials etc to do this.

He basically just ended the conversation and has been ignoring me for the past few days. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Well, you would be the jerk if you had committed to do it for free and then asked for payment but it doesn’t sound like that’s what happened. You just said he SHOULD if he wants to actually have it quickly. That’s reasonable. He’s probably staying quiet because he knew what a complete moron he was.

Btw, if you arent familiar with tattooing, it’s probably a bad idea to have you design a full sleeve anyhow. Most of the quality artists aren’t looking to copy someone else’s art and it’s customary to do this design work with the artist directly, not a random outsider. Since the artist has their own style/methods/knowledge, you get a much better quality product because it’s playing to their strengths as the artist.” MathBlastMePapi

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – friends or not, he’s asking for a chunk of your time, skill, and materials (which also cost money), outside of your regular working hours. I suggest you stop at the 3 concepts. Have you discussed costs for designing/materials? If not, do it now before you go any further or show the concepts. If yes, show the concepts and charge needed on your agreement.

It’s hard with friends bc they often don’t understand that you still have to purchase materials and friendship doesn’t pay the bills.” Bluskyline21

3 points (3 votes)
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LolaB17 1 week ago
Next time discuss your expectations. You didn't set any ground rules, such as payment, time involved, completion date.It's rude that he's being so demanding when you're doing him a favor. It seems he thinks your time is of little value. Don't let people get accustomed to disrespecting you. HTJ
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10. AITJ For Not Taking My Family's Parenting Tips?

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“I’ll just lay it out there, I’m what you might call the ‘black sheep’ of my family. I always thought the way my family did things/the rules were just really weird and I decided when I was young that, when it came to my turn to call the shots, I’d do things my way. I became a father at 17, a single father soon after, and thanks to my friends being nothing short of saints in helping out with my daughter, who is now 12, I was able to do the necessary things to set up a good life for us.

The constant clash is between myself and my parents as well as my older sister. They are not afraid to let me know about every ‘wrong’ way I’ve parented my daughter. They are also not afraid to make suggestions even though nobody asked. I don’t give her many boundaries. Contrary to their belief it’s not because I’m a lazy parent, but, it’s because I think it’s great prep for her when she’s an adult, she’ll be able to referee herself.

I don’t control the music she listens to, the shows she watches, what she wears. At this point, she asks for money, I give it, she shops.

Things came to a head when, while visiting the family, my daughter first mentioned a Netflix show she was watching (Shameless) and I could tell it made everyone uneasy. Then she was telling a story about a class and, she said ‘This annoying piece of work’ to describe a teacher.

She was accosted by everyone at the table, which she’s not used to.

I talked to everyone the next day. Their point is that she’s too young for the freedom I give her. They suggest a swear jar and parental controls. My point to them is that she’s not really hurting anyone, there’s no need to call in a S.W.A.T. team because a 12-year-old swore. As I see it, she’s highly sociable and keeps most of her grades up, and I’m happy with those things.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ and your family has a point. Your job as a parent is to give your child boundaries. Children NEED boundaries and deep down, they want them too. She is a child, not an adult, and you shouldn’t be treating her like an adult. You need to be her father, not her friend.

Setting boundaries is hard and it’s not fun, but it’s an essential part of parenting.

It’s your job to protect your child and usher her into the adult world little by little, guiding them based on what’s age-appropriate and what she can process based on her brain development. That’s what parental controls and such are for. And you’re simply not doing that.” yourlittlebirdie

Another User Comments:
“My parents taught my sister and me financial responsibility when we were 10/11 by setting up bank accounts for us that they deposited our allowances into every month; we had to learn (with guidance) about balancing out our necessary expenses (buying presents, buying transit tickets, etc.) with our ‘wants.’ It was a good lesson because it wasn’t a huge amount we were responsible for and they would always bail us out if we spent too much and then couldn’t afford our bus fare or similar but we learned about budgeting, as well as saving for bigger ticket items that we wanted.” theagonyaunt

Another User Comments:
“When I started high school (11 years old here in the U.K.) my parents set an amount each week for the bus fare.

I got extra for when we had hospital appointments so I could buy a day rider (basically an unlimited ticket for the bus service for the city that day as long as I used that specific bus brand I guess you would say). Anyway, in the summer I and my friends would walk to school in a group and then spend our bus allowances on sweets lol.

My parents didn’t mind as long as two things happened. 1) I couldn’t spend more than each day’s allotment on sweets in case of bad weather and 2) I had to get to school on time. That plus balancing £10 a month on my phone (texts cost 10p each back then)but it helped me learn and it was age-appropriate responsibility.” exhausted_hope

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It sounds like you are trying to be the cool laid-back parent.

It’s not acceptable for kids to swear in other people’s homes or public/at school. I don’t think your child needs a swear jar, just have a talk about only swearing at home. Have you read how much sleep kids need at her age and do you make sure she eats 5 servings of fruit and veg a day and exercises? This is the time to teach your child healthy routines so she will be able to adult successfully.

Also, read up on how to stop the cycle of teen pregnancy since your daughter is at risk for it since her parents were teens. Your family just wants your daughter to be successful and healthy and safe. You don’t have to do exactly what they say but tell them their concerns are noted and you are trying to establish a healthy stable life for your child.” User

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

My mom was a free-range parent before parenting styles had names. The difference was that when I watched adult shows or read adult books, she did it with me so we could discuss what I saw/read. We talked every day over dinner. Back then it just felt like conversations, now I realize it was her way of teaching me about how to make considered choices, judge my audience, and maintain my own sense of self and my values.

I had very few hard and fast rules. What I had were expectations to meet. I was allowed to make mistakes and I was allowed to make my own choices within reason, but we were also in constant communication and if I failed to meet her expectations, at best I could expect talking to her. Her biggest concerns were that I was happy, healthy, and kind. There are ways to give your kid freedom without giving them so much rope they hang themselves. Might be time to tighten up on that rope a bit if your 12-year-old doesn’t realize a holiday dinner at grandma’s isn’t an appropriate place to swear.” lilirose13

2 points (2 votes)
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StumpyOne 1 week ago (Edited)
I think you can raise your kids the way you want AS LONG AS you're teaching respect, responsibility and keeping track of age appropriate things. Shameless at 12 is hugely inappropriate for most children and I would reccomend supervising and discussing with her. As long as you're actually parenting (as others said earlier, watching her diet, health and hygiene), I don't see a problem. The cursing thing is a sore spot for many. I allow my children to, as long as it's not often and they know when it's ok and when its NOT. It's all about boundaries
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9. AITJ For Not Wanting To Clean The Poop My Husband Tracked Into The House?

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“Argument between my husband and I (both early-30s). We both work from home and he came up to my office to chat with me at lunch and after a little while noticed these brown marks on the carpet. I said I had no idea what they were and hadn’t seen them before. He instantly said it’s spillage from when I water my plants (I use an additive that turns the water dark brown).

However, these are not in a ‘spill’ pattern but a ‘streak’ pattern and are all over the floor. I confidently said that the marks are not from watering plants but I’ll clean the area anyway since it’s in my space (office is exclusively my space).

But that wasn’t enough and he kept insisting I was wrong because what else could it be from since it’s in my exclusive space? I jokingly said maybe it’s from the dog dragging her butt on the floor.

To clarify, the dog sometimes drags her butt but has NEVER left behind marks, never EVER. Even on the off-chance, it was poopy-butt drag marks why would there SO many? So this was clearly meant as a joke but his demeanor instantly changed and said they weren’t poopy-butt drag marks but actual dog poop. He then pulled up his foot and checked his shoe and surely he has dog poo on his shoe.

He said he stepped in it last night and must not have gotten all of it off. So he’s been walking all throughout the house with the same shoes!

So I immediately asked for an apology since he just berated me for ‘carelessly watering plants’ and he apologized. But then he doubled down and said that it was still my fault because he wouldn’t have stepped in it if I had picked up the poo.

I pick up all the poo on weekends, he knows this, and I just didn’t get to it this weekend but plan to do it today after work. But it’s still ‘my fault’ so I have to clean all the spots in the house. I said I certainly won’t… I’m not the one who knowingly stepped in poo and didn’t make sure their shoes were completely clean before wearing them again.

I’ll clean my office space but the rest of the house is on him.

AITJ here?

Additional Info: Dog is mine from before we met so picking up the poo has always been my task. I’m fine with this. We live on a secluded 3+ acre lot so once a week pickup is not outlandish. It’s also a 10-pound dog so the amount of actual poo is minimal.

This is not the first time he’s done this (stepped in poo and tracked it inside). This is at least the third time. I’ve never done this because I actively avoid walking through the war zone but for some reason, he doesn’t.

The dog occasionally drags butt because it’s itchy. We’ve seen a vet about it and confirmed it isn’t due to worms/anal glands/anything else, it’s just itchy.

The dog is perfectly healthy.

No dog-tax, she has identifiable markings.

EDIT: Common question: I typically don’t wear shoes in the house, I usually take them off at the door and put on ‘house shoes’. He does wear shoes inside. I’ve tried to get him into using ‘house shoe’ but it hasn’t worked.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ… I mean you would think after the 1st time he dragged poop in the house he’d check his shoes when he came in.

And… how do you not smell that? Have you cleaned up the other 2 times? Cause I think he definitely needs to learn there are consequences to dragging dog shirt in the house, and the consequences are cleaning your own forking mess.” CraftingCrazy

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s really blaming you for the fact he stepped in dog poo? That’s no one’s fault, but it IS his fault for not being more careful about cleaning off his boots, not leaving dirty boots outside or at least by the door, and then lying by saying it must have been your plants when he knew that wasn’t the case.

Why is he acting like a child trying to get out of being in trouble? If your shoes are too dirty to wear inside, just leave them by the door. It’s not hard.” AccessibleBeige

Another User Comments:
“ESH. Him because he didn’t scrub his shoes properly and you because he is correct. Your dog, you let it out, you pick up the poop. If you have a fenced-in yard, that is even worse because that means that for at least 6 of the 7 days of the week, your dog literally basically has to walk in poop germs when it goes outside at all. Because germs spread. Also, parvo comes from feces. You can’t just “not get to it this weekend or you might harm every dog around for miles.” CeridwynMatchen

2 points (4 votes)
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SiriusLee 4 days ago
I'll bet you didn't think you had children, yet. Wrong! Grown up people clean up their own messes. He's the jerk.
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8. AITJ For Wanting To Tell My Aunt That Her Husband Is My Dad?

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“I (19f) am the product of my mom (40f) sleeping with her best friend’s, ‘Eve’s’ (39f) significant other returned husband ‘Adam’ (40m). According to my mom, it only happened once and they immediately regretted acting the next day when they were sober. They swore to never speak of this and continue living as if it never happened because they didn’t want Eve to walk away from them.

Around the time that my mom got pregnant with me, the flu was going around so when she first started feeling the sickness of pregnancy she assumed that was it. However, when the symptoms lasted for weeks my aunt Eve convinced her to go see a doctor and was with my mom when the doctors told her she was pregnant. Apparently, she was too far along to do anything else but have me, and uncle Adam was upset when my mom changed her mind about adoption.

It got to a point where aunt Eve threaten to break up with him if uncle Adam didn’t stop telling my mom that she’d be a horrible mother. My mom had no familial support so aunt Eve and her family were there for me and my mom a lot. Hence why I call her ‘Aunt Eve’ and she’s even my godmother. I was the flower girl at aunt Eve and uncle Adam’s wedding.

I love my aunt Eve very much and consider her a second mother. I was devastated when I found out the truth, my mom privately confessed to me while she was wasted and didn’t remember it the next morning.

My mom tried to play it off but I secretly took some of uncle Adam’s DNA and sent it for testing. I angrily confronted my mom and told her what I did when she tried to deny it.

Later on uncle Adam and my mom sat me down and apologized for what they’d done but since he was around as my ‘uncle’ growing up that there was no real harm done and asked me to keep the secret. When I showed hesitation my mom brought up how awful aunt Eve would feel at, not only her best friend and husband’s betrayal but that she was able to give him the bio-child aunt Eve couldn’t.

My aunt Eve survived cancer but at the cost of her own fertility and struggled with therapy for years over it.

I didn’t want to hurt aunt Eve so I tearfully agreed. I’ve been holding onto this secret since Thanksgiving and with Christmas rolling around I know aunt Eve is expecting me. My mom understands that this is a lot for me and will cover for me if I decide not to see/speak to aunt Eve for a while, but honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to see her again.

I don’t know how I can spend the rest of our lives being around her and not eventually saying something. My mom says that it’s a bad idea and that there’s nothing positive to gain. She said that uncle Adam never had an interest in being my dad so why would he be one to me if I reveal the secret and cause problems in his marriage? And that while aunt Eve may still love there’s no guarantee that she’ll still want to be around me? I don’t know what to do so AITJ for wanting to tell?

I look exactly like my mom and don’t really bear any physical resemblance to Adam.

At least nothing distinct so I think that’s one of the reasons why the lie was able to go as long as it did.

I live in the USA and while I can’t speak for other countries I was able to get one of those at-home paternity tests, not that it was cheap for me, and collected a sample. Take what you will from that as I won’t give any more details on that.

I don’t know what I’m going to do about the secret but I’ve made the decision to not see my Aunt Eve for Christmas. I just can’t face her.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ for feeling this way but as a child of divorce after a similarly complicated family situation, I beg you not to act on impulse. It’s been twenty years since their infidelity so if you wait a few more months until you have processed this yourself that won’t change anything at this point.

You didn’t do anything wrong, that’s important.

Generally speaking, I‘m for honesty if it benefits the betrayed party in some way but if the only reason to tell is that the lying party wants to relieve their conscience, they should keep their mouths shut. That rule of thumb obviously doesn’t work for you because you didn’t do anything wrong at all but still feel guilty because you’re the product of betrayal.

That’s why I think you should wait, process this situation, ideally get some help to sort out your feelings, and then decide whether you’d be helping or only hurting Eve with the truth.” RiverSong_777

Another User Comments:
“So normally, I’m a firm believer that the person lied to should be told and no one should be able to hide behind the idea that ‘it’s not my responsibility or place to tell.’ Friends of liars constantly do that and it’s messed up.

Here I feel is a bit of a unique situation. This is the actual child of the affair, which was a one-night stand 20 years ago. It’s not ongoing. She definitely deserved to be told back then, definitely deserved to be told before her ‘friend’ let her MARRY the guy, and certainly deserves to know that her ‘niece’ is her husband’s kid before she loved and cared for her.

But man. 20 years later? And it’s the actual KID who’s got to decide whether to tell? I don’t know if I’d blame the kid for not telling in the same way that I’d blame a liar’s friend for not telling.

That’s just really heavy. Because so much blame can actually be put on her and she can feel like it’s her fault (as in, her existence is the reason the marriage is ending).

That’s just really trashy. She has no good options here and I feel for her. Normally my advice is to tell the liar(s) they have X days to come clean, or you’ll tell them yourself. But here I’m just not so sure. Does it really benefit Eve to know? She’s already sunk 20 years of life into this guy, and her best friend, and her niece.

She will never get that back, she doesn’t have a choice in that. There’s no evidence it’s ongoing… idk. It’s tough. I think everyone is different in terms of whether they were in Eve’s shoes, they’d want to know at this point.” FiftyShadesOfGregg

Another User Comments:
“We only have the lying pair’s word for it that nothing has been going on between them for the last twenty years, and given how dishonest they’ve already shown themselves to be, I don’t think we can rely on them being truthful here either.

They may have never been together again, as they say, or they may not, but I don’t think we should automatically trust their account as they’ve got a lot to lose here. As for telling Eve, I’ve been married for over thirty years and have three kids with my husband. I’d want to know, even if it blew my life up and ruined my marriage because I’d rather be devastated than live a lie.

But it’s absolutely not OP’s fault at all that she’s in this horrible position.

I also think that, honestly, it’s inevitable that this is going to come out eventually because Eve is going to pick up on something being wrong and will want to know what’s going on, especially given how close she and OP have clearly been. I don’t think OP is the kind of dishonest person her mother clearly is.

I don’t think she’s going to be able to lie to Eve, so, OP, if it was me in your shoes, I’d be thinking about what I’d say to Eve when she asks you what’s wrong and why you’ve been avoiding her, because I think that conversation is, unfortunately, going to be heading your way. Whatever you do you’re going to feel bad about it, so I guess the question is, which route will leave you feeling worse? Lying to Eve, just like the two people she’s spent over twenty years thinking have her back or being honest about what you know? Neither choice is a good one, but I think, in this case, the best of the two bad choices is the one you can live with. Good luck.” Red-Peril

2 points (4 votes)
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7. AITJ For Telling My Coworker The Gift She Received Is Fake?

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“A coworker came up to me and showed me her nice gift that her friend just came in and gave her. It was a large 32oz Stainless Steel tumbler (imagine a knock-off Yeti tumbler) in a bright color with HERMES (badly) printed on the side.

The box it came in also has the Hermes logo on it with some words (in Yo Mincho font) that don’t make any sense (Coddoditmy) and a QR code that just goes to Hermes.com.

The coworker wasn’t happy at all that I called it fake but I feel like they should know what they are getting. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“Overall, I don’t really think you meant any harm by letting her know, but I can see how she got upset over it. Since tumblers usually aren’t super expensive, it’s not a particularly dire situation. It may be making her feel like her friend’s gift doesn’t matter because it’s not on brand, which is obviously not true. If she showed it off to you, she was likely very happy about it as well.

Unintentional, but YTJ (but honestly it’s not a big jerk moment, I think a simple apology and understanding of why she got so upset should be enough)” KartoffelKaden

2 points (2 votes)
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6. AITJ For Telling My Friend It's Not Normal To Share A Bed With Your Roommate

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“I was getting out of a bad relationship and my friend helped me by letting me stay with her for a few days. She insisted that I take her room as I have really bad back pain. She said she would be fine sharing a bed with her roommate for a few days and her roommate had agreed.

I moved in with my parents because I didn’t want to burden her.

I have been living with my parents for 3 months and I am planning to move out as I hate living with my parents. I was discussing it with her and she said I should move in with them and take her room. I told her that it wasn’t necessary and I really felt awkward forcing her to give up the bed and she was trying to convince me it was okay.

She said her roommate and she slept in the same bed even after I moved out and it was not a big deal.

I think I had a surprised expression and she started to defend it and said it wasn’t weird and they were really comfortable with each other and they were fine sharing a bed and it was not like she was sharing a bed with a guy or something.

I just said that I have never heard of roommates sharing beds like that and she started to panic and said I was being a judgmental jerk and she trying to help me and I didn’t have to judge her. We were supposed to have lunch together but she left soon after this conversation. I really don’t get it. I feel I said it wasn’t normal and I wasn’t judging her.

I was just surprised by it and dealt with it awkwardly.”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ (a bit). A statement that implies not being ‘normal’ is by its very nature judgmental. To say something is not normal is to have an idea of ‘this is normal’, ‘that isn’t like this’, ‘therefore that is not normal’. We need to use judgment all the time and that isn’t the problem – but the question is knowing when to express it.

Saying something like ‘that would impose too much on you and your roommate” is sufficient if you wanted to decline her offer.’ phiwong

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This is not your call to make. Different people have different levels of comfort regarding sleeping arrangements, and her boundaries are different from yours. Also… read the room. From how strongly she reacted, you needed to back off sharing your judgment on the matter; instead, you doubled down on it.

I mean, from how you described it, I’m getting vibes that either a) she’s had to defend this before, or b) she and her roommate are involved, and for her own reasons, she doesn’t want this out… but it doesn’t really matter. It’s her call to make. For what it’s worth, the only person I want to be sharing a bed with is my husband, but I’ve been on school trips back in the day where we were in hotel rooms and had to share beds, so it’s just not that weird.

Be a better friend.” EnoughMIL

Another User Comments:
“YTJ – My little brother’s significant other had lived with me 3 different times over 10 yrs. First at 18 when they lived in my pool house. My husband & brother worked nights so we’d watch TV in my bedroom. Then again when she & my brother broke up… she needed some time to get on her feet. She moved back in for around 3 months…

At that time my now ex-husband & I had separate bedrooms, she slept in my room with me and then she moved in again 7 months pregnant we slept in the same bed for a few months. To us it wasn’t weird… she was the little girl I’ll never have and in my heart my sister. So yeah I slept with my little brother’s ex.” _iron_butterfly_

2 points (2 votes)
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5. AITJ For Not Giving My Spot In A Concert Because I'm "Tall"

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“I was at a Rico nasty concert last night. I’m a little under 6’1 which is tall, sure, but not super tall either especially for a concert. I’ve been to several concerts where I was average or even smaller than a lot of people in my area.

I got to the line 1.5 hours early so I could be at the front barricades between the artist and the fans.

I also waited an hour and a half for the artist to get on stage as I stood on my spot at the barricade.

Almost as soon as the concert started, I was bombarded with fans behind me screaming at me to get out of the way and let the ‘short’ fans stand in my place. The ‘short’ fans screaming for me to move were large, app.

5’8 women. Albeit some very short people around me could have possibly been in the 5’0-5’4 range but they were quiet. I told the people yelling that I paid for my ticket and waited so I could be at the front and if they wanted to be at the front they should’ve come earlier.

I was then called a ‘witch’ and was asked ‘where I’m staying’ after the show.

This person’s behavior was obviously uncalled for but the AITJ question I’m asking is if it’s actually bad concert etiquette for someone tall to be at the front. Looking back, I was definitely in the top 1% percentile for height at that concert which is the tallest I’ve ever been at a concert.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

And the reason the actual short women weren’t complaining to you is that they’ve spent their whole life is short and they’re used to not seeing anything in a large crowd.

Does it suck to be a short person behind a tall person? Yes. But the only time that really entitles short people to be in the front is when it comes to group photos where the positioning is particular so that everyone can be seen. Besides that, it’s generally known that you either pay for your spot or you’re lucky enough to get your spot by being early to an event.” jammy913

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

I’m a six-foot-tall woman and on many occasions have waited forever just so I could be right up front for a show – if you put in the time, that’s your spot. I’d say if you were a little further back, maybe let the shorties in front, but then that’s a slippery slope cuz you never know when they will drag their 5000 friends with them.

Also, damn yeah Rico Nasty!! Hope the show was good.” Reddit User

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People will always feel entitled. You earned that spot.

I’m five foot four. I got to a concert early once and was at the front. Some guy tapped me on the shoulder and asked if his much shorter girl could stand in front of me. I looked around at the other people around me and said that she wouldn’t just be moving in front of me, but all of these people and they would have to agree as well.” del901

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I grapple with this too.

I’m 6’3 and whenever I go to a concert I’m always acutely aware of who’s behind me cos I do understand why they’d be frustrated if they paid for a ticket and I stand right in front of them. Like everyone else is saying, you have just as much right as anyone else there to stand where you want, but I do understand why you might feel like a jerk especially if people are shouting it at you.

They had no right to do that though.” patsye2000

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

As a 5’8″ guy, I can confirm that you standing in front of me would absolutely ruin my night if I didn’t have any room to sidestep your head, the 5’8″ girls are right about that much. You’re just about as big a problem for them as you would be for a 4’11” person.

Nonetheless, that is how life is for events where you’re standing in a crowd. You can’t demand everyone arrange themselves by height, you just have to deal with the annoyance. They should come earlier if they want your spot. You have every right to get yourself a good view.” sushii96

2 points (2 votes)
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NeNe 4 days ago
Im 5'3 and yes.. it sucks when tall ppl stand in front of me. But its one of the million things in life u just deal with cuz its not fair to expect tall ppl to cater to me lol. The only thing ill ever gripe about is ppl who carry ppl on their shoulders. Now that is ignorant af
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4. AITJ For Not Going Home For My Daughter's Birthday?

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“I (f40) have a daughter who is turning 21 on Friday. I had her right out of high school and her father, my significant other at the time, passed away during my pregnancy, so it’s always just been the two of us. We’ve always been really close. I haven’t been in any other long-term relationships and have no other children.

Last Monday, my dad suddenly passed away.

My daughter was there when it happened and she’s been really struggling. My hometown, where my dad still lived, is about 3 hours away from where we live. My mom passed about ten years ago, so my sister and I are solely planning the funeral by ourselves, and I’ve been here in my hometown since Sunday. Her grandma, on her dad’s side, also passed last month.

My daughter told me she’d understand if I wouldn’t be able to come home in time for her birthday, and because it’s a super busy time of year, the celebrant for the funeral is only able to meet my sister and me on Friday, meaning I won’t be home on Friday. I called my daughter to tell her and she said she understood but hardly said a word the entire phone call and then hung up without saying bye.

I texted her to see if she was okay and she said she was annoyed at me for missing her birthday.

I’ve been really struggling with finances lately so she knew she wasn’t getting any presents, and she’s basically texted me saying she’s having the worst birthday she’s ever had. I told her that she was being a brat and that she’s 21 now, I’ll make it up to her when I’m home and that I have more important things to worry about.

She isn’t talking to me and my sister said I was super harsh. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re both grieving so it’s understandable that neither of you handled this in the best way possible. She is understandably upset about her birthday and is entitled to feel disappointed. You shouldn’t have called her a brat, she shouldn’t have told you she was annoyed. Next time someone is quiet and clearly upset, don’t push them to explain what they are feeling unless you are willing to hear something you might not like.” photosbeersandteach

Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ, simply for your response of calling your daughter a brat.

You’re grieving, she’s grieving, and you’ve both experienced a lot of loss lately. Funeral arrangements are stressful and dealing with estates can be time-consuming. She’s allowed to feel disappointed that all of this is happening during her birthday, even if she is going to be 21 and is grown. You both owe each other some grace, given the circumstances. When you’re home, talk to her. Maybe take her out to a nice lunch or make a nice meal together at home (whichever is doable financially).

See if you can talk it through calmly.” Special-Emu3

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not because of your position, but —as your sister said—your harsh delivery. Hopefully, you and your daughter can be forgiving toward one another, as you have both been through a lot recently. Sure, you can’t go home for her birthday, but no point calling her a brat as she’s also on edge from mourning her losses.

Just apologize for your outburst, explain you’re barely keeping it together with the loss and funeral planning, but you want her to know that you realize her 21st is special and you wish you could be with her but can’t. It might be worthwhile To ask her if she wants to come where YOU are and you could At least be together and have a modest celebration.

Fine if she declines— she sees there are options she chose not to pursue. And I would caution you against forgoing gifts due to financial issues, especially on a milestone birthday. Make a gift like Compiling a scrapbook or photo album, create a home pampering experience, make her favorite meal and watch her favorite movies, write her a sentimental poem, pass on a piece of family jewelry—find a way to celebrate despite finances and losses.” Zorkanian

Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ.

And, understandably, you are your father just died and you have feelings and are probably overwhelmed

HOWEVER… your daughter has lost her grandfather, and grandmother in short order, she is having a milestone birthday all alone, there will be no presents, no birthday dinner and none of the limited family she seems to have left will be there… she is entitled to be upset and disappointed about it.

She is grieving too. She is right this is a dreadful birthday and this is where you did behave like a jerk… you called her brat and reminded her she is 21 to shut down her reasonable feelings… you basically said she was unreasonable for being sad and upset and from what you wrote that you said she wouldn’t have been completely nuts ‘to have heard’ that she just wasn’t that important.

None of you will be at your emotional best or most tolerant at the moment. You need to be handling each other with kid gloves not heavy-handed doses of reality.

Edit: I have just read one of your replies where you say that the Funeral will not be until after Christmas… So the celebrant will only be able to meet with you on Friday..and it’s a three-hour drive home… while I realize this is probably a financial issue logistically in theory you could go home to be there for some part of her birthday and if I can work that out your daughter can too… so it’s not you can’t come home, it’s impractical to come home.” Whitestaunton

2 points (2 votes)
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3. AITJ For Not Telling My Wife That I'm Leaving Her?

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“Male, 31 here. For the past 15 years, I’ve been dealing with a medical condition that requires constant medication and consistent doctor’s visits. I had always been projected to live until 50-60ish, however, a recent complication has cut that down to 12 months, 16 at best. In about 10 months, my condition should start getting a lot worse. After 12 months, I’ll essentially be living in the hospital.

I am married for 4 years (no kids). I haven’t had the heart to tell my wife the news. I don’t even know how. We always knew I’d die younger than I wanted to, but we never expected it to be this soon.

As much as I know I should tell my wife, I don’t want my last year to be plagued with impending doom.

My wife and I have always talked about living abroad somewhere, maybe in Australia, but we’ve never found the time or funds to do so.

I’ve been saving up to go to graduate school, however, I don’t see much point in that now.

So here’s my idea: take some of that amount, and take my wife to Australia for a few months, and enjoy the time together. I have a job I can work remotely from anywhere, and she has a job where she can easily find work anywhere. We can work part-time, and enjoy our time together.

When we get back, or maybe towards the end of it, I will break the news to her. I just wouldn’t want the trip to be ruined for us by constant reminders of me dying. I know my wife, and she’s very emotional – to the point where I feel like she will be crying every day and not enjoying herself. I want this memory to be a good one for her, and not plagued by my time ticking down.

AITJ for putting off telling her I am dying?

Note: I have life insurance that will take care of her, so I am not too worried about spending this now on this trip. And I plan on talking to her about a sperm bank, just in case she decides she wants my kids in the future, as well as premised birthday cards and other things for her to have.”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but I don’t really think you’re a jerk.

It’s just that I think you’re avoiding telling your wife because you think it would spare her pain and the reverse may be true.

My husband passed away at the end of 2012. Shortly after he passed, I found things that made me believe he had known for over a year that he was going to do it and had chosen the day specifically. Our relationship wasn’t a happy one and my grief would have been complicated anyway — there’s no getting around that.

But knowing that he was counting down the days just made it that much harder to cope with my emotions after the fact. I was angry and hurt on top of being sad.

The two situations are obviously quite different, but here’s the thing: she’s going to be sad no matter what. She may very well guess what’s going on if you suddenly decide to spend your grad school funds on a trip to Australia. Will it be better if she guesses and confronts you? What will you do then?

It’s true that when you tell her she’ll be sad. She’s going to have some powerful emotions to sort through and that will unquestionably have an impact on you. But I think that ultimately, it’s better to tell her.” therapy_works

1 points (3 votes)
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detu 5 days ago
YTJ/NTJ. my husband was diagnosed with a terminal illness. he was given 2-5 or 3-7 years depending on what expert you asked. i was there from the 1st moment in the Dr office. i watched as he declined. the last 6 weeks of his life were rough. but we cherished our time & did not put off anything including a steak dinner at his favorite restaurant one month before he passed. & yes, we struggled doing that. he lived one month short of 2 years after diagnosis. i still cry but have very few regrets. you are misguided.
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2. AITJ For Refusing To Pick My Own Gift Online?

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“So last year, I ordered my husband’s present online in advance, wrapped it, and put it under the tree. On the day before Xmas Eve, he asked me what I wanted, I thought he was joking. He asked ‘no really’ I looked at him disappointed that he waited this long and say ‘uh, idk… maybe: listed a few things… waited to the last minute eh? The last-minute shoppers are going to be a nightmare, if you are gonna go, probably should go now.’ He says I was right, got dressed then left.

He comes back 15 minutes later frustrated and says ‘Yeah, I’m sorry, but screw that. The mall was PACKED, I could barely find a place to park. Tell you to want, just go online pick whatever you want. I don’t care how much it cost, whatever you want and I’ll pay.’ With my ‘mild attitude’ tone I say ‘Uh, nah, I’m good. Kinda ruins the whole point to me.

Just do better next year please.’ He proceeds to say ‘What? Why? I am still buying something for you. So it doesn’t arrive on Xmas Day, big deal. You’ve never been one to get fussy about traditional holidays. Is this really a big deal?’ to which I respond ‘Yeah, well it’s not a huge deal. But it’s just… the point of a gift-giving is, you know when Xmas is, so you go out of your way to prepare a thoughtful gift for your loved one, wrap it up, put it under the tree, and then open them together on Xmas.’ He says ‘Well I am sorry, I wasn’t paying attention to the dates.

It’s chaos out there, do you really expect me to go fight a mob of people so you can open your gift at the same time as me? I will wait to open mine until yours comes in. Do you want something at all or not?’

At this point, I am more upset at his doubling down than anything else I say: the only thing I want for Xmas is a full apology for your lack of effort and a promise to try better next year.

He said that was ridiculous, I am turning this into a big deal and then tries one more time to get me to pick myself something out, I refuse. He gets frustrated then leaves. He returned a few hours later with wrapped gifts, puts them under the tree, and says ‘there, now you’ll have something on Xmas day.’

The 3 friends gave reasons like 2020 was a tough year, bad things happen and sometimes people get distracted and forget things, and that it was out of character for me to get so worked up over a traditional holiday.

But we’d always do Xmas, just prior we weren’t living together as a married couple and he would go shopping with his Mom.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not an unrealistic or overwhelming expectation to want your spouse to put a little effort into this stuff, even and most especially last year. It wasn’t just a hard year for him, it was difficult for everyone.

Maybe he’s still not getting that you’re not mad about the material value of the gift but the fact that he 1) forgot 2) tried to make you feel bad that he had to go out because he forgot, and 3) tried to make it your problem and pass the responsibility off to you instead of apologizing and making an effort the makeup for it.

He was thoughtless and insensitive and you reacted pretty maturely to that, IMO.” Kryptobean

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His trashy planning had nothing to do with 2020 and sounds like it had everything to do with this being the first year he didn’t have someone else poking him before the holidays and reminding him to put some effort into the holidays.

I have so many feels on this, it isn’t about the moolah.

It isn’t about the day. Everyone knows what day it is and there are 364 whole days before it happens again for anyone that celebrates it to spend a modicum of time putting thought into a gift. By the time he told you on the 24th that he hadn’t done anything the gift was already ruined because he just let you know right there that he couldn’t be bothered to do any planning or make any effort.

You have every right to be disappointed.” breathemusic14

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband failed you. He showed you that he didn’t think it was important to consider you and plan for giving you a thoughtful gift on a traditional gift-giving day that comes at the same time every year. He was inconsiderate and then got very rude and tried to blame you for his failure.

It sounds like you do a lot for him and the family and for him to minimize the importance of showing you how much he loves and appreciates you are not OK.

He’s a grown man and if he can figure out how to do things that are important to him, he can also figure out how to think of a thoughtful gift and make sure it’s on time. Asking someone at the last minute what they want and then asking them to order it themselves is nonsense. The fact that he’s paying for it means close to nothing when he’s made the whole thing your job. His minimizing of his failure is the worst part, though. This isn’t about you getting worked up about a traditional holiday, it’s about his inability to care enough to give you a small token of his love and appreciation if his mom isn’t doing it for him.” ghostforest

1 points (1 votes)
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BASF 2 hours ago
NTJ and frankly I dont think the marriage is going to last, not only did he NOT make any effort whatsoever he blamed you for being upset that he didnt put any effort into it. Thats some red flag Narcissistic shit right there.
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1. AITJ For Confronting A Psychiatrist Who Posted About His Experience In The Psych Ward?

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“I (55yo Ph.D. in public mental health, have bipolar disorder, disability advocate for years) publicly confronted a former classmate (40yo psychiatrist who cares about patients but has no filter) about a tactless joke he made on FB. Note: quotes reworded.

He (OP) posted a picture of an unfolded piece of paper with some writing that was legible but didn’t make a lot of sense & commented ‘I just got hit with this paper airplane when I walked onto the unit (the psychiatric inpatient ward).

(edit to add:) Don’t know the patient. Do you guys in orthopedics get this?’ ICYDK, sometimes people on a psych unit can’t think very well so may not be really coherent or logical in their speech/writing.

As a psych patient and advocate, I was sick to my stomach and mad but couldn’t figure out what to do b/c:

• I know through my training/experience that it could be considered a serious violation of privacy but not HIPAA (US privacy law).

• It seemed cruel to me to make fun of a patient in a psych ward.

A friend who is really experienced and active in antiracism efforts suggested just asking why OP thought sharing it was appropriate. I was really nervous, but I did that, including ‘You’re a psychiatrist in a position of trust and it seems like it could be seen as a breach of privacy, even if it’s not a HIPAA violation.

What do you have to gain?’

Over the course of the conversation OP doubled down with:

• there is no breach of privacy

• my accusations are baseless (they’re literally not; there are standards for clinicians’ social media professionalism and if I shared this with our higher-ups he could be disciplined)

• it’s the same as the research I did on public comments to the FDA where I got institutional permission but didn’t ask each person who posted their public comment

• ‘I didn’t say it was a patient’ when his original post literally talks about it being from a patient.

After a few exchanges where only one (older psychiatrist) friend of his joked that OP had bad taste but that there actually was an issue of poking fun at a patient’s expense, another of his friends said ‘Christ, just delete this thread already’. Then some of his friends joked that they had actually thrown the airplane and it deteriorated from there. After a few back-and-forth posts over a day, OP blocked me.

A mutual friend reached out to say he was asking me to comment on something in the thread—I told her that was hilarious b/c he had blocked me. She suggested I should have reached out to him privately in the first place but was surprised that he had done the ‘what do you have to say now’ thing after blocking me.

AITJ for publicly yet professionally confronting this person about their post?”

Another User Comments:
“I’m really not seeing the source of your righteous outrage here.

But I’ll compare it to being a teacher. Our students are in our care. They’re vulnerable and needy. They trust us. They’re also impossible and hilarious. Every teacher I know shares stories about their students. If there’s no identifying information, there is zero harm in this. It doesn’t mean we don’t care about them and love them and respect them: it means we are sharing humor to lighten each other’s days and to get through an extremely stressful life.

You need to chill out about this and try to support your colleagues, not take them down for no reason. YTJ.” annrkea

Another User Comments:
“Have you considered that your colleague just needed to vent because being a psychiatrist in this climate is hard and he looked in social media for some support and reassurance that he wasn’t alone?

I think it was a relatively benign post and you didn’t have anything to gain from commenting publicly either.

If you don’t like what you see, you are free to scroll on. If someone is violating professional ethics, the correct thing to do is to report them to the medical board, no reason to create online drama.

Despite this, NTJ. If people want to post stuff on social media, they should prepare that others are going to express their disagreement.” BaconEggAndCheeseSPK

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

Sounds to me like they’re making fun of doctors having terrible handwriting and needing to decipher each other’s scribbles.

Also, if this is violating standards, the only reason I can see for you not simply reporting it and moving on with your life is that then you wouldn’t get to be all righteous and smitey up on your high horse.

If you actually cared about any of the stuff you’re going on about, you’d report it and get it addressed.

If you actually just wanted to ask what the original poster was thinking, you’d ask, not make an accusation.

I’d think that as an advocate and mental health professional, you’d understand about not asking leading questions or introducing bias. ‘So, when did you stop beating your wife?’

‘AITJ for publicly yet professionally confronting this person about their post?’

It wasn’t professional. It was accusatory and belligerent. And probably in violation of those very standards, you clutch your pearls at.” Cent1234

Another User Comments:
“YTJ unless there is some context missing here.

Could he have meant ‘hey, here is how my day started! Kinda sad?’ lt seems (from what you wrote) that he was interested in mocking his own tough day at the job. Did it appear that he was mocking a patient?

On the face of it, it really feels like you projected and personalized something that, at first glance, appears to be self-mockery into some kind of attack or attempt to humiliate some group.

Your professional role might sensitize you to this (as opposed to us random Redditors) so I might be completely out of line here.” phiwong

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s perfectly understandable that he wanted/needed to vent, but I would hope that a medical professional working with an especially vulnerable population would have the common sense to vent somewhere other than social media. This might be an unpopular opinion, but a social media account with your name attached is not the place to vent, even more so when you are a psychiatrist venting about psych patients. If he wants to vent he should either find an anonymous forum or vent to a specific person or small group. Maybe a therapist. But not a social media platform. This absolutely could impact his ability to form productive relationships with patients if they found out and he needed to know that. His pushback seems worryingly defensive.” Ellemnop8

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BASF 2 hours ago
NTJ, he is right bout the privacy thing given this persons profession and the contents, I think its pathetic of the so called psychologist to poke fun a the patients he serves while also blocking and then attacking the person who pointed out the issue. I dont think that person should be a psychologist.
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