People Wonder If We Agree With Them In Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
17. AITJ For Not Standing Up To The Doorman At The Club?
“One of my good friends Katie decided to have her bachelorette party in NYC (I live here) and wanted me to work with Allie (her bridesmaid) to help plan the trip.
I was honored to help plan, but very early on I realized that Allie and Katie had grand expectations.
Their dream night was going to top tier nightclub without waiting in lines or spending a dime and basically being treated like models.
I don’t think any of them have really gone out to a city with a big nightlife/club scene like Miami, NY, and LA, the closes were Nashville and Austin which are big on nightlife but not so big on nightclubs.
I tried my best to set expectations but in the group chat, they kept posting about the most exclusive spots. And when I posted a reasonable spot, they were like eww that’s cheugy.
I will say this I just turned 31, and despite myself being tall and skinny, on certain nights even I get turned away depending on the artist performing.
And a lot of Katie’s friends were on the curvier side and dressed like they live in the suburbs.
I told Kate and Allie, let’s have a backup plan in case we don’t get in. There are tons of clubs we can guarantee to get into, but they said no. They said that they know how to dress classy and they will all be fine.
Well, we went out and even got there early and things were going bad, the doorman let other groups of girls go before us, despite them being behind us in line. And when he finally did talk to us, he is like hey we are full from reservations but we do have a table with a min spend of $2,000 And I got that as a sign to leave.
But then Katie and Allie start arguing with the doorman and are like, those other girls they didn’t have reservations. And the guy is like look I am sorry but other spots are open. And then Katie starts yelling ‘you let those girls’ in and starts calling him creepy.
And I am pulling away like ‘let’s go guys, this is not worth it.’ And they start arguing more, and I am getting so embarrassed because the doorman then pull us out of the line.
Then another group of girls goes to the front and they look behind at our group and start laughing with the doorman, and after this Katie starts bursting out crying.
And I try to comfort Katie but she tells me to leave.
We end up going to another bar nearby but the night was pretty much ruined. And afterward, Katie didn’t want me to come out the next day saying that I didn’t stand up to the doorman with her and Allie and that I cared more about my self-image than supporting them.
And that me being silent I was supporting misogyny and objectification of women. And she started then standing in line in that spot was basically like being the Rosa Parks for women. And I was like look, I have been going out in NY for 9 years, you weren’t going to change anything.
Which at this point, Katie just left me on read, and I guess they started a new group chat without me.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I say this because I can frankly see both your positions, and neither of them is wrong per se.
Katie was hurt by a frankly unfair and gross system, and she was upset because she felt that you didn’t support her as a friend. I’d be pretty upset if I felt that way too. However, she put pressure on you to plan a night with unrealistically high expectations, where she could have reasonably predicted that.
However, you’re not exactly innocent yourself. Do you even like these women? I can’t imagine thinking of any of my friends the way you think of yours. You talk about them like it’s fine, and were completely blasé about the way they were being treated. Yes, it was completely predictable.
That doesn’t make it okay. They were being shallow, misogynistic jerks and they’re the only ones I can truly call a jerk in this story.
She needs to be more reasonable and understand that while reality does indeed suck, it’s still a reality, but at the end of the day, she was probably just trying to feel confident at a very stressful time in her life.
Yes, this is a pity pass, and why I expect to be crucified. I’m a big softie, sue me.
You need to learn to set better boundaries with your friends. ‘I don’t feel comfortable planning the evening if we don’t make a backup plan.’ If they won’t be reasonable and make a backup plan, don’t make them a plan at all.
Sure, it still might annoy them, but at that point, the ball lands squarely in their court in jerkery. And maybe next take time your friends are being whar basically amounts to being bullied for the way they look, take their side? ‘These guys are being gross, I don’t even want to go in there anymore anyways’ or anything that puts you even remotely on their side would be a step in the right direction.
You don’t have to be forcing your way into the building to be on their side. But as someone who also deals with anxiety and has anti-conflict tendencies, I also understand it takes practice to be able to make those calls at the moment, so I don’t think that makes you a jerk either.
Just a person with room to grow.” madame_phoenix
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – the superiority and disdain you express for the rest of the group oozes out of you on the page and probably even worse in person.
YOU’RE the one comparing Katie to Rosa Parks in trying to stick up for herself (meaning the ignorant one is YOU not her).
You find it important to talk about how DIFFERENT you look from the group (being ‘tall and skinny’ vs ‘on the curvier side and dressed like they live in the suburbs’ – such a jerkish comment).
You convey how ELITE you think you are (saying ‘on certain nights EVEN I get turned away’).
And you make sure you sound like the COOL GIRL (you don’t say the doorman & co laughed at ‘us’, you say they laughed at ‘our group’, i.e. the others)
I get being frustrated by the ridiculousness of bachelorette parties and people with unrealistic plans, but your attitude towards the rest of the group is unmistakeably JERK-ISH.” Annie-Mossity
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They wanted to get into top-tier NYC nightclubs with no idea what that’s like.
Maybe at best, you were too soft in explaining it to them, but I know NYC. They let in the skinny girls in nice dresses. Because it’s good for business.
And that’s not even the New York side of things, that’s just top-tier nightclubs. It’s a basic nightclub thing. No charge for lookers charges for everyone else.
You standing up would’ve done nothing but cause a bigger scene. Which I guess they wanted but I wouldn’t want to be dragged into that either.
There’s no point. They know what they’re doing and they like it that way. And as you saw and know, it just gives fuel to the crowd that it gets in.
‘Oh wow look at the ‘lessers’ causing a scene cuz they ain’t us’ and blah blah blah.
That’s just New York. It’s why I hate going there. That and the fact that I can take one wrong turn and feel like I’m gonna get attacked with a dirty needle. LOL.
New York is best saved for those who spend time in New York and love that life.
And an occasional roll-through of the bars, that let you in. But frankly, I will never risk getting wasted in New York in the first place. If you don’t know where you are and what you are doing, you are asking for a bad time.
Sorry NYC kinda sucks. It’s big on that ‘don’t try to be us if you ain’t us’ lifestyle.” Elismom1313
16. AITJ For Locking My Children Out Of My Room?
“I (27F) have three children (8M, 6M, 3F)
My partner and I both work, but since my hours are more flexible I’ve picked up most of the childcare such as dropping the children off at school/childminder, picking them up, taking them park, doing homework, etc as well as 50% housework so meals, ironing, etc.
My partner will help, after a little nagging as well as usually taking the children out to the park at the weekend.
Last week I didn’t feel good but come Saturday and I felt awful dizzy, had headaches, hot flashes, etc, and was just so tired so I asked my partner to care for the children that day.
My 3-year-old is clingy, she gets upset whenever I leave the room as well as going through a phase where apparently the only word she knows is no, my partner was in and out asking for me to handle it.
My 6-year-old has a habit of asking me to do something or where something is whilst not even considering asking their dad.
Partner came in and asked if I’d help settle my youngest as she was requesting me, I refused and may have snapped that he’s her dad and to leave me alone.
I will admit my final fuse was when my 6-year-old came in crying because apparently my 8-year-old was ‘looking at him funny’ so I told him to ask his dad and when he left I locked the door, my head was killing me, especially around a crying child.
My husband woke me up very upset, apparently, at nap time my youngest wouldn’t settle without me, and my middle child was upset because he thought he’d upset me.
My partner was like ‘I know you’re sick, but just offering cuddles to the children would’ve been nice and I needed help, you know the youngest gets upset without you and apparently, you’re the only one who calms her down’ it’s not that he’s not around that she’s unsettled, it’s just natural for children to pick one person and the doctors have said she’ll grow out of it.
My partner is upset, although even a week later I’m still feeling dizzy with hot flashes, he just wants an apology but I don’t feel like I need to.
AITJ?
Edit: I do have a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday. Feeling worse today, can’t tell if it’s the stress!
MIL has offered to help out with the childcare while I’m sick.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – He wanted you to cuddle with them while sick? Does he want to take care of a sick wife and three sick kids?
Kids can pick a favorite, it happens, and it’s usually something they grow out of.
But I think what’s more likely here is that your kids know that you are the one to turn to for help. They feel safe and secure with you, they feel like a priority to you. And that’s great! But it sounds like your husband hasn’t fostered that kind of relationship with them.
Kids are smart, they know when one parent has been nagged to take them to the park or when caring for them feels like a chore. They bypass their dad for you because he hasn’t shown them that they can count on him.
And every time he barges into your room needing your help?
He is proving that to them. That he’s not someone that can handle their care and needs on his own, or if he even wants to.
He needs to step up and parent his kids. They are getting overly attached to you because you’re the ‘main’ parent in their eyes when it should be equal. He needs to learn how to settle them and handle their problems and disputes on his own.
You need to get well, and you can’t if you aren’t allowed to rest and heal.” CrimsonKnight_004
Another User Comments:
“You ARE NOT at fault here. There is a GROSS DISREGARD going on here, in how SICK PEOPLE ARE TREATED. Have you never been sick before?
Do they not comprehend that sick people need time and rest to heal? Do they not consider CONTAGION? By this time, I would have thought their dad would have worried your kids would also get sick. He would have kept them away from you so he would not have an entire house full of people sick, all at the same time!
What an idiot! What shortsightedness… to insist that you continue doing everything the same as if you were not sick & suffering!
Some people would pay back when HE gets sick, insisting HE just keeps doing everything the same. The problem is that you have catered too long to the 3-year-old… Barring some type of disorder, like autism, or other similar, 3-year-old should have bonded with dad.
With kids like this, you don’t just let them do as they feel, you encourage them to MATURE a little. Ok, so they don’t want dad, well dad isn’t abusing the child, so WHAT is the problem? Dad should pick the child up, talk to the child, and MAKE AN EFFORT to bond with the child… which it seems is just not happening.
A LOT of families have this problem, of all child interactions being mommy-centric because dad makes little or no effort, or gives up easily. What is dad doing? Watching the games? Drinking? Maybe dad is being selfish, instead of involving himself more with kids? There is a REASON that we have the expression: E for effort.
It means you GET something back for trying. So, sometimes all you get is ‘E’ not A or B, but You tried. Dad needs to put in more effort. He will first get ‘E’… later C, then B, then A. But first HE NEED TO TRY!
There are just SO MANY reasons this should not be happening, and that you should be allowed to rest and recover… hopefully your family will see the need to change some things, so this doesn’t happen, to this degree, in the future.” CantBelieveThisIsTru
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your husband is using the same technique young children do to get out of doing chores: ‘If I do it so bad, they’ll never want me to do it again!’
He knows that if you feel he can’t watch your, your as in both your and his, children without you, you probably won’t even ask again.
I promise you your children can survive without you while you get rest. How do I know this? My father suffers from migraines (so do I thanks to genetics) and we always managed to leave him alone to rest when we got to 6-8 years old.
Your husband wants you to think they can’t survive without you, that they love mommy so so much that daddy just can’t handle it. Daddy can handle it. He needs to step up and be a proper husband and father.” stinkyboi135
15. AITJ For Not Coming Home For Christmas?
“I (18f) moved out of my father’s house a few months ago. I then cut my father off. I currently live with my sister (27f) and will be spending Christmas with her and my brother (26m).
My siblings and I are full siblings but they haven’t had anything to do with our father in a long time. They cut him off while our mom was still alive and they were older. I had to keep going. Then mom died and I was sent to live with him.
My siblings were still young but my sister and brother stuck together to get through. They stayed in touch with me while I was with my father.
My father got married to someone while I was living with him and he had two kids with her.
My half-siblings are 6 and 5. They adore me though I never bonded with them very well. They used to love trying to spend time with me when I lived there. I have not made an effort to see them since moving out because I don’t want contact with my father (or his wife).
But she will let them call me using her phone.
They asked me to come for Christmas. They were saying how they miss me and want to spend time with me and how they wanted to give me gifts. I told them clearly but also made sure I was kind, that I wouldn’t be coming home for Christmas or at all.
They cried and told me they missed me and that I would be alone. I told them I would be with my brother and sister. That upset them even more.
Afterward, my father called me using another number and told me I was evil for crushing the kids like that and he started to say other stuff but I ended the call and blocked the number.
They did call me a few days later and begged me but I kept my no. This led to them asking why I didn’t love them enough to see them for Christmas. I feel bad even though I don’t feel close to them or even consider them my true siblings.
They are kids and I know my father isn’t a great person and his wife isn’t great either…
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had to do the same thing to my half-siblings last year and it was not fun for any of us.
I feel for the children, of course, because they are not to blame for the awkward situation so it is a shame that they are upset, but I don’t see any justifiable reason why you should subject yourself to an unhealthy environment for them.
You could keep caving and going back to see them, but that’s really only delaying the inevitable and prolonging the hurt.
However – and this depends on more variables than you’ve shared – if your father and stepmother are really problematic, chances are the kids will realize this as they’re older and want out just like you did, and it may be good to try to maintain some relationship with them if you can bear it, so they have outside support if they ever also want to leave.
Also, while I don’t think this should be your responsibility, I fear the resentment that may build because of their sister effectively abandoning them. (I say this with the utmost sympathy, of course, but I imagine that’s basically how they view it.) Just food for thought.” HopeByTheThroat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It feels to me like the parents are manipulating them to make it into a bigger deal than it is. Telling them they don’t love you if you don’t go etc.
If you go they will be used to manipulate you every time the parents want you to do something you don’t want to do.
Yes, I feel sorry for the kids but in the long run, you will be showing the parents they can’t use their kids as tools to manipulate you which will benefit them in the future.
I would go to your siblings as planned.” yameretzu
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you need what’s right for you. Given there is definitely something your dad and how he treated and made effort with older siblings. There’s is always a good reason people go no contact with their parents.
This is your choice, and your father has to accept your choice, if he wants to improve his relationship with you, then he needs to understand and accept what has led to this situation and take action to attempt to build a relationship but only if you and your sibling want this.
Using emotional blackmail just makes the situation worse. I get that your younger sibling may miss you, but how you feel about your connection is important. You not trying to hurt them, but you sound like you don’t have the same connection with them.
Good luck for the future and enjoy Christmas your way. Don’t let your dad pull you down or doubt your decision.” Possible_Laugh_9139
14. AITJ For Blaming My Partner For Our Poverty?
“My husband and I both grew up in foster care and developed two completely different attitudes due to it. I’m humble, problem-solving, generally positive, and a glass-half-full type of woman. He is a ‘life is out to get me’, ‘it will never get better’, glass-half-empty type of man.
Not always! Please don’t take this as me bashing him. He HAS gotten better with the help he gets in therapy but those moments where he collapses and goes back to his negativity are hard. He has a lot of good days now and things have been getting better but recently he had a personality shift again.
Now… back about a year ago, he got himself a dog. Her name is Josie and she is a Heeler/Dashaund (I didn’t spell that right, sorry). I wasn’t exactly in on this decision but I wasn’t surprised because he impulse buys/spends and generally doesn’t think before acting when it comes to these impulses.
Again, he’s gotten better but it’s still there. He wanted a dog in foster care and couldn’t have one so now he has one. That’s how he’s seeing it. He didn’t take into consideration her breed or temperament. She has a high prey drive and is nippy, even with us sometimes.
We have bent backward trying to train her but nothing appears to work. And now… due to her prey drive… we are having a hard time being accepted into any other apartment/house and we are on the verge of eviction after a steep increase in rent ($550 increase so now we are paying $1600 for a 1 bedroom, nothing included).
In the first month of him getting Josie, I begged him to re-home her. My foster mom was a dog trainer and I know a thing or two about training and temperaments and I knew that given Josie’s breed, we were going to have troubles.
He didn’t listen, because he didn’t want to abandon the dog just like he had been abandoned. And now, due to this, we can’t find another place to live and we are slowly going completely broke paying rent here. We only have $26 to last us until next week and do not have rent money for next month.
He started complaining really heavily yesterday and I will admit my tone and attitude were unlike me. He was saying he is sick of living in poverty and was tired of never having money and I have heard this far too many times. So I told him we live in poverty because he made the poor choice of getting an aggressive dog with a high prey drive and refusing to re-home her because of his abandonment issues.
We had a place lined up months ago, which backed out due to the dog. Everyone else says we cannot bring the dog. We can’t afford the other ones. He says I’m a jerk for making him feel awful for refusing to re-home his dog.
I’m admittedly feeling pretty awful for even saying it, but am I wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
People who struggle with impulse control also seem to struggle with understanding that their actions have consequences.
It’s not fair to any of you (including the dog!) for him to project all of his trauma and issues onto the dog, especially coming at the expense of a place for you to live.
Not to mention, it sounds like Josie needs a different living environment altogether – with either a big yard to run in or someone who has the time and ability to take her on lots of long walks, not to mention someone who knows how to handle her and train her appropriately.
It would be kinder to her to find her a home that’s more suited to her needs and temperament.
In any case, you’re not the jerk here. Ask him what his plan is when you run out of money and can’t pay rent – where will you move to?
How will you get back on your feet? If he doesn’t have actual, realistic answers for this then he needs to face reality about this entire situation, and fast.” hannahsflora
Another User Comments:
“His impulsivity has consequences and he refuses to face them. Now they’re your problem and a very, very big one.
That’s not OK.
That said, his choice to get a dog is not the reason you’re in poverty. It’s one reason you’re facing potential homelessness, but not the only one, and it’s not the reason you suddenly needed to find a new place.
You’re in poverty because neither of you is being paid enough to get by and everything is getting more expensive, including rent, and because you didn’t have much to start with in the first place.
Poverty isn’t just being broke. It’s systemic and incredibly difficult to pull yourself out of. Every ‘bad’ choice has 10x the consequences (which your husband is learning the hard way). He’s not wrong to feel defeated if he’s lived his entire adult life like this – barely getting by, never having the ability to make real choices.
His choice to get a dog didn’t help the situation at all, and definitely made it harder, but it isn’t the cause of all your woes.
Your husband made a bad decision and he needs to acknowledge that and work with you to figure out how to move forward.
But you need to not dismiss how defeated he’s feeling.
I’m struggling with what verdict to give here. I think probably everyone sucks here if we are focusing specifically on you saying it’s his fault you’re in poverty. But he’s definitely a jerk for getting a dog without your consent and I feel like that is way worse than you saying something bad and hurtful in a super stressful situation that his choices have absolutely made worse.” SauronOMordor
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
When you say her high prey drive has made finding housing impossible, I’m reading this as ‘her bite history’ is making people afraid to house you.
Keeping a dangerous animal is a jerk thing to do, particularly when that animal must be taken into public spaces frequently to meet her most basic needs.
Your partner is choosing to make you homeless to maintain an impulse purchase. He is not a dog. He is not this dog. Giving her up would not be giving up on his younger self.
He is trying to ignore the fact that this impulse purchase is having disastrous impacts on your current stability and ability to leave poverty behind.
That’s something you have to talk about. And talk about repeatedly until he can work out how to not become or remain homeless with you. Otherwise, you need to walk away and protect yourself.” LostDogBoulderUtah
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go On The Trip?
“I haven’t met my dad more than a handful of times.
We don’t even communicate yearly but we try to keep it pleasant. I’m 34 now, and my son’s 15. He met him once when he was 2. Dad’s remarried and decided to have me and my son, my sister’s brother-in-law, and their daughter over for the holidays. They paid for the ticket and used his new brother-in-law’s Airbnb nearby.
They’re all rich. It’s across the country.
It’s really for the kids to celebrate we aren’t exchanging any gifts except for the kids, but I asked that they didn’t get too crazy with the gifts so we don’t need to check bags on the way back.
My dad’s wife replied back saying she was actually not going to get any of the adults anything and that includes my son. I was taken aback but she said he’s already fully grown and this is for the younger kids (the rest are under 10) and it’s immature that he’d still celebrate with the babies.
I’m offended and I think it would hurt his feelings a lot to be left out of his cousins like that. I figured I’d just bring something for him to open but like I mentioned, they’re rich. They’re getting the kids all these expensive neat gifts.
I have $13 in my bank account rn I’m not even sure I can afford gas this week. So I decided it was best not to go. They’re livid at me because they’ve already spent so much and they can’t get a refund on the tickets.
I do feel bad but I’m not putting my son in that position. Furthermore, they’re very religious and would absolutely be vocal about their feelings about LGBT which my son is also. I just don’t think it’s worth tip-toeing around them for. He’s missed every Xmas what’s another one?
My sister’s upset to have to go alone though, and my dad and his wife are completely up in arms saying I’m selfishly demanding things when they’ve already done so much. AITJ for refusing the trip?
Edit – I barely know anything about my dad and the last time I saw him was getting IHOP for 30 minutes when my son was 2.
Before that, I was 15 and he stopped by unannounced. I don’t use social media so it was difficult but I found his social media page after the discussion with his wife about not attending because I wanted to reach out to him personally to decline it but I don’t have any of his contact info, it all was through his wife.
I changed my mind about reaching out after I saw some religious-toned hateful things he’d share and say. They also attended anti-LGBT rallies and had pics public. Please keep in mind they’re all strangers to me and the limited info I could get was news to me that came after I declined. No, I’m not sure they’d be that way in person, I don’t know them, but I have no interest in finding that out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like one toxic and controlling environment you would be walking into. No matter how old you are, you always celebrate and appreciate a good gift so her argument is slightly flawed there.
The way they are suddenly showing an interest and making you all fly to them when they could just visit you makes me very suspicious.
Good on you for supporting your son, he doesn’t need to be around people who would make him feel uncomfortable with their beliefs. Definitely not the jerk and the way they are responding – they are the jerk.” Nessie51
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if they are insistent on an explanation tell them that you won’t be putting your son into a situation where he feels treated like he is less than his cousins just because he is a couple of years older.
Being a grandparent your father is really being a jerk to make a distinction between your son and his other grandchildren, especially given the fact he hasn’t shown up for the past 13 years in his grandson’s and your life.
And they decided to pay for all the travel expenses, you didn’t ask them to if I understand that your family dynamics are more of a ‘hey I’m your dad and should show up once every decade to show you how rich I am and how much I (don’t) care about my daughters and their kids’.
Also, a huge red flag if you find homophobic comments from your dad’s hand on social media. Most religious people keep these opinions to themselves because they’re civil enough to realize it’s their personal opinion and they can’t force others to live the same lifestyle they commit to.
But once such people go rant about it on social media initiated by themselves, it’s not something you want your LGBT kid around.” VictoriousSeahorse
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your son is your first and only concern. If you think this will be a hurtful and unhealthy environment, you have no obligation to go no matter how much they have spent.
Don’t feel guilty or force yourself into a situation you are uncomfortable with and know your child would be uncomfortable in. It’s not worth it. Stick to your boundaries and don’t let them guilt you. Go no contact if you need. You’ve let them know why you aren’t coming and don’t owe them any other explanation.” creakybackattack
12. AITJ For Wanting My Brother To Leave His Wife At Home?
“My (28M) brother (38M) has been with his wife for 11 years they live together and have a 3-year-old kid.
His wife and I get along fine but I hate that she is always around and I never get one on one time with my brother. When I go to their house she is always in the living room with us and the kid. I know it’s her house too but I wish she would give us guy time and go to another room when I am over.
When he comes to visit my parents and me he always brings her, you get the point. He is always busy with work the kid or her.
Before their kid, they always used to go to this beer expo that is held a few times a year.
It would be a big group with their friends and me and it was always fun obviously they haven’t gone since they had their kid. I got the email that it’s happening again in three weeks and sent the email to my brother asking if he wanted to go.
He said it sounds fun and he will get back to me.
He called me up later and told me that they were in and he purchased tickets for the three of us. I was mad I thought it would just be the two of us and assumed his wife would stay home with the kid so he could have a day off.
I told him as much. He told me sorry but he and his wife haven’t had a fun day out in forever and our mother agreed to take their kid for the day and overnight and they were looking forward to it. He also said this beer expo was always something they would do together and they have been going together for years just the two of them before they started inviting the big group so it’s kind of their thing.
I told him to forget it and find someone else to take the third ticket. I told him I’m sick of his wife having to be included in everything.
He told my mom and she is telling me to grow up. My brother texted me and told me he found a friend to take the ticker but he was giving me one more chance if I wanted to come or not before he promised it to them.
I told him to give it away and he said fine and we haven’t spoken much since. I just wanted a day one on one with my brother without his wife and kid.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your brother is married, and they have a child together.
His family is his priority, and rightly so. And yes, I understand you are his family, too. But the reality is, things change with age. Marriage is a choice and it involves shifting priority to your own generation and the next (if you are contributing to it in the way of children).
The family you grew up with is on the back burner, that’s how life is designed. We grow up and move on.
Maybe tell him you feel like you’ve been left behind or that you miss him. Maybe work together to make some time for each other.
Guys night out once in a while, go to a sports bar or whatever it is yall get up to.
But to demand that his wife not be involved in a tradition that was theirs long before you were involved? That makes you the jerk.
Big time.
I’m also taking issue with the assumption that she should just stay home because they have a child now. It’s time to revisit and discard antiquated gender roles.” MiraMarissa
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Are you SURE you’re 28? Because this sounds like an 18-year-old.
Your husband is a grown-up man. When people visit THEIR home (not yours), both adults in a couple will be in the living room. You are not 10, going over to your 10-year-old BFF’s house, and his wife is not your 10-year-old BFF’s annoying little 6-year-old sister wanting to come in and be included.
Your brother is not a mind reader. You emailed him an event that was originally a thing that was his and his wife’s, that they ultimately included you on after some time. OF COURSE, he bought a ticket for his wife. HE’s a normal person.
If you want one on one time with your bro, you call and tell him that, not leave him to guess where not a single rational person would have arrived at that conclusion.
You sound sulky and manipulative, oh, and your mom is right. GROW UP.” ThreeDogs2022
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It would have been fine to tell your brother you’d like some one-on-one time with him and suggest a particular outing. But you apparently didn’t put it that way, and telling him after the fact that you don’t want his wife along is very offensive.
And if he tells you his priority is getting some adult time with his wife – you need to accept it.
You might be able to fix this by apologizing to both of them and explaining you like to spend time with them but miss occasionally.
You made what could have been a positive into the negative of wanting to exclude her. But you also might have burnt this bridge. It may be that right now his priority is his own family and work. People go through different life stages.” esgamex
This is an event that you ALL used to go to. So you email him, tell him it'd happening, and don't bother to mention you'd like to leave his wife out? You just assumed that he would leave her put of something he ALWAYS included her in?
Once again, grow up. You sound like my 8 year old.
11. AITJ For Causing My Half-Brother To Have A Meltdown?
“So, I was supposed to be a boy. Or at least that’s what the OBGYN told my parents. My dad had this big hangup about the firstborn being a son and has hated me since the day I was born.
Two years later, after blaming and punishing me and my mother relentlessly, he had an affair, and the woman conceived a son. So he divorced my mom and married her.
As soon as my half-brother was old enough to realize my gender made me a failure, I was bullied relentlessly by him.
I remember Star Wars Episode 3 coming out and getting bombarded with screenshots of ‘you were supposed to be the chosen one’. I’ve dealt with 2 decades of this crap, always excused by my dad and his mother as ‘social struggles due to autism’ and finally had enough and went low contact.
Well, recently my full sibling came out and began their female-to-male transition. I’m very happy for them and they are absolutely blameless in this situation.
My half-brother took this as a reason to send several very nasty texts about how everyone else was giving my dad the sons he wanted, but I was still a failure.
I snapped, and I deeply regret what I said.
I told him that the point of having a son was to continue the bloodline. I was in a committed relationship and perfectly capable of giving my father a healthy grandson. Meanwhile, he hadn’t had a single relationship last beyond the first date because no woman would put up with an entitled and pretentious jerk like him.
His half-sister (no relation to me) blew up at me because he melted down and has been explosive and nasty for days. I told her he probably deserved a taste of the bullying I endured for years.
But now I feel like a bully and regret lashing out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – that was not a kind thing to say BUT he started it, and he’s been ‘starting it’ for decades. His parents should have let him know that kind of behavior is unacceptable back when it first started.
Unless you’re leaving something out – you didn’t make this about Autism.
You told him the truth: that he’s a misogynistic jerk and women don’t like that. It sounds like it hit home. He wouldn’t be so upset if there wasn’t truth to it.
You feel bad because you are a decent person. Block his number and any social media interaction.
Take the low contact down to no contact.” CarrieCat62
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You help other people when you stand up for yourself. People need to be reined in, they need boundaries to be enforced. It makes everyone happier to know what limits to abide by.
‘he hadn’t had a single relationship last beyond the first date because no woman would put up with an entitled and pretentious jerk like him.’
You told him the truth. You called out his behavior. In actuality, you parented him in the way that your family needed to do years before but didn’t.
Was it hurtful? Sure. Was it wrong? No. He NEEDED to hear it from someone.
What did you learn? That is doesn’t feel good to be a bully. So this tells you that most likely, your brother doesn’t feel good either. Hopefully, that knowledge will help you pity him.
Protect yourself from interacting with him, and let go of lingering bad feelings. He isn’t worth your energy, and is a miserable person because of his own actions.” cleaningmama
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No question there at all. Like so many people have pointed out, autism isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card.
And honestly, more than anything, your dad sounds like the biggest jerk here. Being disappointed and abusing you throughout your life because you weren’t born a boy? I’m sorry but that’s just messed up. And you shouldn’t ever have to take that nonsense from ANYONE.
I really hope someone starts teaching your half-brother right from wrong, and how to respect people. Cuz clearly your dad isn’t. He’s literally raising the kid to be like him, and that’s something that really shouldn’t be passed on. LOL.
Props to you for finally standing up for yourself.
You’re not a bully, and your half-sister just seems to be enabling bad behavior. Stay strong, sis. I hope you never have to deal with this nonsense again.” bigppgamergirl
10. AITJ For Telling My Wife Not To Wear Her Wedding Dress To My Cousin's Wedding?
“My wife Amy and I got married a few months ago. My cousin Sam is getting married early next year to his fiancee Jane.
Amy and Jane don’t get along too well, they’re fine at family events and stuff but they don’t run in the same circles otherwise. Amy mentioned before that Jane doesn’t want to be a part of their group and she’s too shy.
Amy saw what Jane’s dress looks like, from another cousin.
I haven’t seen it but it’s custom-made, white and gold, and she thinks it’s too much. The issue now is that Amy’s come up with the idea to wear her wedding dress to Sam and Jane’s wedding. She said she doesn’t have time to go dress shopping, and her dress isn’t traditional white (it’s pink).
I said no, she can’t wear her wedding dress to someone else’s wedding, but she’s insisting. I told her if she insists on wearing this dress, she doesn’t have to attend.
Amy got really upset and said I’m trying to control her, and that her dress should be reused instead of sitting in the closet.
I just don’t think you should wear your wedding dress to another wedding, regardless of if it’s white or not. I don’t think I’m the jerk but Amy is mad, she told her friend and the friend also said I can’t tell her if she attends or not.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The bride is OP’s cousin. Of course, she’s seen Amy’s dress and would know what it was. Amy thinks Jane’s wedding dress is ‘too much’. It’s a wedding dress, they’re supposed to be too much! It is not Amy’s place to make a comment on the gown, or Jane’s choices by wearing her pink wedding dress.
Very likely OP’s whole family will be at this wedding. They will recognize the dress and it will likely damage her relationship with OP’s family because they will see her as a petty witch… And it will take a lot of work to walk that back and gain respect again.
This could also affect OP’s relationship with his cousin and family because ‘they didn’t stop her’.” emotionallydented445
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her friend is right to some extent that you cannot control what she wears and where she goes. But you can give your cousin a heads-up that your wife is thinking about this, and that you don’t approve but he might need to put a bouncer on the door to turn her away if she is wearing a wedding dress.
And you can make it very clear to your wife that you disapprove of her pettiness, that you will not support her in this, and that if she chooses to burn bridges with your family by wearing the dress, then you won’t be in the same car as her and she’ll have to find her own transport.” Normal-Height-8577
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you can’t stop her but the bride and groom can uninvite her if they find out. Tell her you’re going to mention which dress she is choosing to wear to your cousin and you fully support your cousin if she wishes to uninvite your wife because of this.
You’re wife’s reaction will be telling if she’s mad at you then she clearly is out to hurt your cousin and why do you want to be with someone who is out to maliciously out to hurt your family? If she’s mad at your cousin then she genuinely thinks it’s ok to wear this dress to another wedding.
The latter makes your wife look a litter better morally but overall she’s acting like a jerk, not you. Her friend is way out of line and can keep her nose out of your marriage. I would tell her this directly also.” Squidjit89
9. AITJ For Wanting To Feel Welcomed?
“My mother recently passed. We had the funeral on a Friday.
We found out that Sunday my fiancé’s brother passed away. The funeral for his brother was on Wednesday. The funerals were five days apart.
My fiancé lives with his Mom. He’s older than 40 and makes six figures. We had plans to move in together before all the passing.
The plans were stalled many times on his accord. Anyways, on that Monday night I hear his mother in the background say, ‘She knows she’s driving herself right?’ I didn’t connect the dots right away and was honestly not trying to eavesdrop so I just blew it off.
He waited until the very last moment, the night before the funeral to tell me, ‘the itinerary.’ I believe he waited because deep down I think he knew it was wrong. He was driving the widow and children in his car and there was no room for me.
Mom’s comment clicked back in. When I questioned it, he said, ‘My Mom told me to do this.’ I rattled off 3 other options that kept my fiancé and me together without the immediate family having to drive, including using a family SUV that I could also ride in.
I was the only person who was given an expectation to drive by themselves to the funeral of mother. The other siblings with SOs were not asked to drive the widow. They were not even asked to split the driving among the siblings which would make this seem less targeted.
At this point, I didn’t even feel welcome at the funeral despite my fiancé asking me to be there. I ultimately did go to the funeral but did not feel welcome AT ALL, after being told to drive by myself. When I did address it, he gave me an alternate car with a non-immediate family member to drive with.
I didn’t take it because the option completely missed the mark and felt like a pity offer. Inclusion, I DO NOT feel is something a person who is also in mourning should have to ask for. I also get grief, but there are other examples of this kind of behavior from him and his mother when grief was not a factor.
Examples: I asked to meet his family and his mother responded she didn’t want to meet me. He stayed silent so my meeting with the family was delayed until about a year out from our relationship. All his other brothers and sisters are married with kids.
A month or so after this (before I met his family) he was talking to her on the phone next to me and she said, ‘Oh, I told your brothers and sisters you were over at your friend’s house this weekend.’ He didn’t say anything and just turned the volume down.
He also calls her twice a day while he is at my apartment. I had a close relationship with my Mom too, but twice a day seems like a lot, especially considering they live together. My roommate thinks it’s weird that he speaks to her twice a day too.
I feel like he didn’t defend me once again with his Mother. I feel like my driving myself while also in mourning was not even considered. I probably would have just blown it off if there weren’t so many other examples of his mother acting this way when grief was not a factor.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ on this, but truly: you know he’s a mama’s boy. A mama’s boy who has no inclination to stop. You said you decided to delay advancing this relationship, not that he decided there is something unhealthy in his relationship with his mother.
You feel like you’re fighting with his mother over his loyalties and losing, but really he’s not even coming your way. You’re the only one losing ground here, ignoring slights, biting your tongue to be respectful, swallowing your hurt, feeling neglected and unwanted and unwelcome.
You’re being too kind to him and too cruel to yourself. When people show you who they are, believe them.” NS_Tulkas
Another User Comments:
“I really don’t see the issue with driving separately to the funeral. You’re both adults, sounds like you each have a car.
His brother passed away, you’re not his priority at that moment. Your job is to support him in any way necessary and that includes not using it as a moment to fuss about a longstanding mom issue. It was a bit weird that he didn’t tell you as soon as he knew his driving plans, but his mom clearly wanted you to know early so I don’t think she’s the issue in this specific instance.
It’s also weird that you heard her say you would drive yourself and somehow didn’t respond to that or acknowledge the information. Since you did react negatively, I’m wondering if, beyond the stuff with his mom, there’s also a toxic pattern where you get upset over things no healthy person should get upset about (like driving separately to a funeral).
It sounds like a super intense and stressful time with two close relatives passing away in a short time span so maybe at this moment, everyone needs to cut each other some slack and just be kind and flexible. This grief will be with you for a long time.
So YTJ for the funeral drive.
The real problem, of course, is the man’s ongoing relationship with his mom and general issues. I don’t think any of the stories you tell is particularly bad when taken individually (waiting a year to meet a child’s partner is not abnormal for lots of people, calling you a friend instead of partner is how lots of parents talk – I do that sometimes!).
However, there’s clearly an issue with the way he relates to his mom, the space she’s taking up in his life, and his capacity to be a good partner.
Focus less on specific incidents and more on who he is and what his expectations are.
You might find that he is not capable of being the kind of person you can have a serious relationship with, that living with him would be a nightmare where he expects you to be like mommy and compete with her, where he might let go of mom, but try to create the same enmeshed nonsense with you, etc. Lay out your expectations from a partner and see if he’s the guy.” ughwhyusernames
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to have a long talk with your partner. You need to explain all your feelings to him and how all the actions by his mother and his complying make you question whether or not he is serious about your relationship.
Everything you said seems to point out that he is tied to his mother’s apron strings and not looking for a release anytime soon. Having three people in a relationship never works, especially when one is a mother. If he doesn’t see a problem worth fixing, it seems like it’s time for you to say goodbye.” No_Pepper_3676
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I thought you meant you were driving yourself to your mom’s funeral, and I would understand this. But it was his brother’s funeral, he lost his brother and was driving his widow and children. Your suggestion that they are split on the way to the funeral because you don’t like driving on your own is nonsense.
This is a wife who lost her husband and children who lost their dad. You want a little person to be separated from their only living parent because you ‘don’t feel welcome’? That’s a jerk behavior. It doesn’t matter that you lost your mom. It was his brother’s funeral. On this day your fiancé and his family were the ones that needed support.
Not. You.” ltlyellowcloud
8. AITJ For Not Helping A Strange Neighbor?
“Last week I answered the door to a random dude (RD). He was standing too close but was friendly & introduced himself as my neighbor. I didn’t know him so assumed he was new to the building.
He starts a crazy story about how his business was broken into, the alarm’s going off, he needs to get there, he has no cards because someone took his car with his wallet in, he needs taxi fare, he has £10 & only needs £20 to get there & will I be a good neighbor & give him the funds?
I’ve run into situations like this before when someone on the street says they need money. I’ve always dealt with it by politely saying ‘sorry mate, can’t help’ & walking off. I’ve never felt anxious or cornered, even as a woman out alone.
But this time it happened in my safe space & I immediately felt defensive.
He’s a stranger, I’m home alone & he could block my door from closing if he wanted. I thought it was a scam but even though I didn’t know him he could still be a neighbor I didn’t want to make him angry & run into him later.
He talked fast, repeated everything & didn’t give me a chance to think. He tried to get me to leave the flat & go to the funds point with him. I kept saying no & he started guilt-tripping me.
I said he should find someone he knows for help but he said I’m the only one around so I NEED to come with him or give him funds.
He then tried to give me some keys & said I could go to his flat & take what I want if I just give him the money.
I can’t close the door while he’s standing so close so I lie & say I’ll give him £20 if he lets me go write something up for him to sign as evidence.
He agrees & tries to come in but I say I’ll be right back.
I manage to close & lock the door but I’m panicking, my heart racing & I keep thinking ‘what if he does live here?’. But I didn’t want to give him £20 so I say through the door ‘I don’t know you, I don’t want to lend you money, please leave’.
He FREAKS OUT says I’m horrible & he’s a nice guy then leaves.
I asked the letting agent if he’s a tenant but I haven’t heard back. I’m still on edge & scared he’ll come back.
My husband thinks I did right but a friend said he was probably in a tough situation & it wouldn’t have killed me to be neighborly & I’m the jerk for not helping him get to his business after a break-in.
I thought he was scamming me, is there a chance he was just in a tough situation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you said what you said to close the door and be safe.
Molly, you are in danger, girl. You’ve literally never seen this man before, he could be a neighbor, or he could be a predator.
He wouldn’t have been so ‘angry’ if he were actually someone in need. Annoyed, upset, frustrated, sure. Angry, no.
In my opinion, you were not in a safe situation, and you did what you had to to be safe. You did nothing wrong. There’s a high probability he was scamming- or worse, considering he was trying to convince you to leave your safe space and come with him.
No, I wouldn’t have done anything differently.
If you see him again, tell him to keep his distance and that he makes you feel unsafe. Tell him if he ever approaches you again, you will call the police.
He could be the nicest guy in the world, and you still did nothing wrong.
But he’s not- because he tried to get you to leave your flat, to give him money, and got offensive when you refused.
You’re in the clear.
Good luck, and stay safe.
Cheers for the shiny, friend!” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You did the right thing.
That was classic social engineering by that stranger. Trying to make his emergency your emergency so you will just ACT instead of THINK.
Great job keeping your wits and putting your safety/comfort level first. A call to the police would’ve handled both his alarm issue and getting to the scene.
It all sounded like a harried bull because that’s exactly what it was. If it wasn’t, you would’ve heard him knocking on other doors with that same desperation.
As for your friend, sounds like they’re in the market to buy some bridges.” LandaHolla
Another User Comments:
“You did do the right thing and you are definitely NTJ. It’s wildly inappropriate for a man you don’t know to expect you to leave your house and go anywhere with him. Even if this was genuine (which I doubt) I simply cannot work out why he would not just go and find a man because he must realize that trying to make a woman enter his flat or go with him is a massive red flag!
I think you need to file a police report and make sure you have some cameras outside.
If he was really a nice guy he would be telling you he understands and thanks for hearing him out. If his alarm is going off at his place of business and he can’t attend he can contact the police too!
There are always ways to get things like that sorted. He made you scared in your own home. That is terrible and you were right to do what you did. I really hope you never see or hear from him again!” Existing-Drummer-326
7. AITJ For Hiding Money From My Dad?
“I am the youngest of three from my parents’ marriage.
My parents had my brother (24m) sister (21f) and me (19f). My mom passed away when I was 3 years old. Dad remarried when I was 7. Dad’s wife had her own kids who were 6 and 4. Then they had my half-brother together. My mom’s family was always part of my and my siblings’ lives.
They were never part of my step-siblings or half-brother’s lives though. When my brother turned 18 our mom’s oldest brother told me and my siblings and that he had saved money for all three of us for the future, on behalf of mom. He’s wealthy. We always knew that.
We did not know before then that he had the money for us. It’s enough to pay for 6 years of college easily or it would be enough for us to buy a house. That’s each, not like all together.
We kept the money from dad and his wife for a long time.
My siblings and I agreed that if they knew, the pressure would be added to include our stepsiblings and half-brother in the benefits of the money.
The truth did come out recently though. My brother didn’t go to college, he joined our grandpa’s family business, and my sister did an apprenticeship.
So the money for college talk wasn’t needed. I had always been unsure what I would do exactly. I knew if I went to college it would be community college. Dad wanted to know about my plans so he could figure out money. I told him it was fine and he didn’t need to.
He said they had planned for some money for all six kids to attend college (not paying for it all).
I moved out a few weeks later and that’s when I told him why he didn’t need to worry. I had decided at that point what I was doing and my dad was upset we hadn’t told him.
Then his wife got upset that all three of us had access to significant amounts of money and her kids did not. Her oldest is heading to college next year and she was annoyed that we had so much money on hand and none of us went to a traditional university where we’d need the money.
It then became an excuse to go after my uncle for ‘favoritism’. He told them we were his nephew and nieces and the other kids were not his family and were not getting anything from him.
But my siblings and I have also gotten crap for keeping the money from dad and not being open about it so they could plan accordingly.
Dad seems more disappointed than mad but his wife is straight mad about it and she told us we could have shared the money or given them the chance to work hard on saving for the boys to get as much help affording college like we got from our uncle.
It has now become such a point of contention that we’re almost estranged.
Part of me wonders if we should have been honest and that’s why I ask AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Your dad expected to pay towards college for all of you; now he and your stepmother just have to contribute to your half-siblings – so they will have more than they would have had otherwise.
Your mother’s family has the right to spend THEIR money on whoever they please. It is none of your stepmother’s business other than allowing her to save more for her own kids. She just wants free money.
Do I think you kids should have been more upfront with your father?
Ideally, but I can see why none of you wanted to be put under pressure or have constant conversations about it, so NTJ.” dragonsfriend-9271
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your uncle can do with his money as he pleases.
You are under no obligation to disclose any part of this to anyone else, as far as I can tell.
Your stepmom just sounds bitter that her kids don’t have the same opportunity. Whilst I understand her perspective, that’s not your fault!
Your dad and his new wife are jerks for being mad at you. Your dad ESPECIALLY should have been a responsible adult and discussed things like this with his departed wife’s family.
Presumably, your dad knew that your uncle was wealthy. Why didn’t he talk to him after your mum’s passing, and figure out what was happening? Then he could have made other plans for his ‘new’ kids. Your dad is the biggest jerk here.
Either way, NTJ.
Sorry your family are being jerks.” ButterMyParsnip
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You had a gut feeling and you were right. I would ask your stepmother why she feels entitled to (essentially) a stranger’s money… that was saved up for his nieces and nephews. Just because it feels like a ‘waste’ to her that you’re all not using it in college, doesn’t mean her kids are next in line to seize this opportunity.
I would talk to your dad and let him know how you were feeling and why you felt the need to hide it if you haven’t expressed it before. He should also understand (if he doesn’t already) that his brother-in-law does not owe his current wife’s kids anything.
He should not side with her on this issue but I understand parents have a way of justifying certain actions/behaviors for their kids’ sake. It’s all just strange and stinks of greed. Good luck OP.” pthaloplanet
6. AITJ For Refusing To Raise Someone Who's Not My Grandchild?
“My son (Tim 41) has four kids with his ex-wife. Their oldest is 16. He just got married to his second wife, (Jane 40) who has six kids.
They met online 3 months ago and eloped without telling anyone.
Jane’s oldest is Sammy she is 20 and will be getting married in two months. She’s apparently been engaged for a year.
Tim lives on the other side of the country, I’ve never met Sammy or Jane.
There really hasn’t been time and Tim only told us about Jane the week before they eloped, which was last week. Nevertheless, Tim is telling everyone in our family that Tammy will be the FIRST grandchild in the family to get married.
This would be fine except my other son’s (Jack 45) oldest (Noah 22) is engaged and planning to get married in May.
Frankly, Jack and Noah say they are fine with Tim saying whatever he wants. I however am not.
Over the phone, during an emotional conversation, I told Tim that Sammy was not my grandchild, I’d never met her, I knew nothing about her 2 weeks ago, and I had nothing to do with raising her… How could I claim her as my own and take any ownership or responsibility for her life and or marriage?
Long story short, I’m worried I may have overreacted.
I’ve made plans to travel cross country to visit Tim and meet his new family, but I’m worried about how they will receive me after all this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s highly unlikely that Sammy sees Tim as a family or a parental figure because they met at most 3 months ago!
It’s different when the parents marry when the kids are adults.
You have to question the judgment of someone who merges two large families with kids in such a short time. You aren’t even supposed to let your new partner meet your kids until about 6 months and Tim has moved a family of 7 in with his 4 kids at 3 months?
Please do your best to check in on Tim’s bio kids. Are they really okay with all this change so quickly? Where are they all staying? Does Tim or Jane have a house big enough to house 12?” cassowary32
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
And Sammy will probably thank you for not trying to force a grandparent relationship from day one when you’re a stranger and she is a grown woman.
Plus why would she want a load of strangers at her wedding, just because her mother decided to marry a random guy super quickly? So the first grandchild thing is an odd thing to tell the whole family because they won’t be invited.
You’re not refusing to build a relationship with her or trying to be hurtful or unkind.
So you’re 100% NTJ for trying to bring your son back to reality.” Ok-Macaron-6211
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You really don’t know any of these folks. Human emotions don’t work like that. I suspect they want to shore up all the positive family vibes as soon as possible after the elopement, being a jerk to you six weeks after eloping with a stranger with six kids won’t be the way to do that.
I would take Jack and Noah’s lead though. See what happens there across the country with the new sudden marriage and the ten kids before you get too involved, it sounds like a mess waiting to happen. He may need you shortly.” BlobulousPesto829
5. AITJ For Being Mad At My Husband For Oversharing With His Family?
“I (F25) lost my job last month through a disciplinary process, in which I was accused of something I didn’t do and decided to quit rather than ride it out as I’d been unhappy there for a little while.
The circumstances of this situation were very difficult and I struggled with the transition, and am still ashamed and embarrassed by it all even though it turned out for the better (landed a better job with insane benefits after a day and a half of resigning).
I told my partner (M31) that I didn’t want his family to know the circumstances of me leaving my last role – he could tell them I quit under difficult circumstances and that I had to find a new job very quickly, but not all the ins and outs (e.g she was accused of this, gross misconduct, this is why, etc and etc).
This morning, it turns out he’s told his mum and brothers everything, despite me asking him not to, and then when I said that wasn’t okay (calmly) and he’s not respected my boundaries, he went off at me and accused me of trying to control how he speaks to his family and what about, and arguing that since it’s been a while he thought it’d be okay.
He said since it’s impacted his life too (in that he was staying with me while it happened and that’s it, no financial, committal, or personal implications on him) it was his experience too and he’s allowed to decide how he speaks about it.
AITJ for feeling upset by this, and am I asking too much?
Edit to add context: We’re not married, we’ve only been together for a year and I’ve only met his family a handful of times so it hurts that they don’t know me very well and now have a negative impression of me.
Regarding the gross misconduct, I was accused of working for a competitor but have evidence that it wasn’t the case but chose to resign before the investigation had even started rather than use that evidence. I also was on suspension for a total of two days before resigning and that is what I found embarrassing, along with changing jobs so close to Christmas when I’d discussed an upcoming promotion at my previous role with my friends/family (and mentioned it to my partner’s family) so they’d know leaving was a flash decision.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your request was not difficult. It was your experience and telling them that you left under difficult circumstances and quickly found a better position was as much as he should have said. Now that you know his stance on sharing your personal info against your wishes you have two options — don’t tell him anything you don’t want him to share or end the relationship.
He sees nothing wrong with what he did, betrayed your confidence, and will do it again. He’s very immature for his age.” PsychologyAutomatic3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You need to seriously reconsider this relationship. Your partner does not respect the bonds of your relationship and feels he should be able to steamroll your wishes about information that only concerns you.
He had no reason to break your trust other than he wanted to. And he’s doubling down on it, which means he sees nothing wrong with what he did. He feels entitled to blab any info about you because ‘yOu CaN’t cOnTrOl mE!’ C’mon with that nonsense.
This is what your future with him looks like. Is that something you really want? Someone who doesn’t respect you and will lash out at you when he’s the one at fault?
This man is showing you who he really is. It’s up to you to decide if he’s the one you want to be your partner.
He certainly doesn’t respect you or have your back, that’s for sure.” SammyLoops1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not asking him to lie, you’re asking him to be diplomatic over a situation that’s been extremely difficult for you, and he deliberately went out of his way to tell his family all about it, even though he knew it would hurt you.
There weren’t even any negative consequences. You’re in a much better position than you started off in. There was absolutely no reason for him to share personal work information with anyone else.
The fact that your first line here is worrying about whether you’re ‘toxic’ makes me wonder just how often similar situations occur with your partner.
It is a major red flag for you to calmly point out that what he did wasn’t okay, and then for him to jump down your throat and call you controlling. He steamrolled over a very basic boundary and then twisted it to make his break of that boundary somehow ‘good’ and much more important than your feelings.
Even aside from that big red flag and the weird, abusive-angled response, you deserve a partner that supports and listens to you, not somehow who immediately undermines and tries to embarrass you to his family.” calicosmoke
4. WIBTJ If I Tell My Father That My Sister Spoiled His Surprise?
“I am going to get married in 10 days. My father told me that he can not attend.
He then called my sister to tell her that he will be at my wedding as a surprise and he told her to keep it a secret.
My sister went ahead and told me the next day.
She says she wants to ‘protect me’ because our father can be difficult and so that I will not be shocked.
She also tells me that my father asks her if I know he’s coming repeatedly and that she lies to him and asked me to also lie to him.
I don’t like lying.
My sister always spoils any surprises for me. Birthday presents, secret visits, fun ideas. From my family to my soon-to-be-husband. She always swears she didn’t tell me and asks me to lie. I told her to please stop time and time again but she says she only wants to protect me.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I can never have any nice surprises because she spoils them immediately, but no one knows.
I want her to stop. I want to tell my father the truth. But she asked me to not tell anyone for she‘ll be seen as the bad guy then.
Also, I might be the jerk here, because this time, she didn’t tell me directly. She came to me at my home and told me that she has something that she can’t tell me but I NEED TO KNOW BECAUSE IT‘S ABSOLUTELY VITAL!
So I answered: Tell me. And she says that since I asked for it, she had no choice but to tell me and that I spoiled the surprise myself because I was the one who asked. Which is technically absolutely correct.
What should I do?
Would I be the jerk if I told people that I know everything ahead because she always tells me everything immediately?
Edit: It‘s just a small civil wedding ceremony with a tiny champagne reception in front of the registry office. No seatings or menus.”
Another User Comments:
“I want to say YTJ if you tell your father that your sister spoiled his surprise, because his surprise sounds utterly awful to me, and your sister was right to protect you by telling you the truth. But you seem okay with his surprise?
I don’t get it. It seems cruel. But if you actually would have liked it, then yeah, you need to stop your sister from spoiling surprises all the time. You asked her to stop, and she won’t. Then she manipulated you by telling you she has a secret, so that you’ll ask, and then she can say it’s your own fault and not hers.
Is it me, or is there a gaslighting issue in this family? Anyway, time to tell everybody else that she ruins all their surprises. NTJ.” WayMoreCowbell
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but without knowing the full history I would consider giving your sister some grace on this one because it sounds like your relationship with your father might not be that great and showing up to a wedding as a surprise is kind of tacky.
I mean if anything your father should have let someone involved in the wedding know about the surprise like your fiancé or your sister could have told your fiancé while keeping it a surprise for you.
Either way, she seems to keep crossing your boundary.
Whether you tell everyone about her past and current lies is up to you to decide if it’s worth it. But maybe to prevent future instances, be firm with her that if she ruins any more surprises for you that you will not be keeping it a secret.
Let her know that you do not feel protected by her actions. Everyone will know what she does as a consequence. If she continues, consider low contact/grey rock method of contact with her.” lolokotoyo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Weddings require a lot of planning and an unexpected guest can cause an unnecessary headache.
I get it if it was a surprise for a small event but it’s not appropriate for a wedding. Maybe that’s a conversation to have with your dad, that surprises that could alter important, detailed, and/or expensive events are not always appropriate.
Onto your sister, call her out! Every time she spoils a surprise, let whoever’s surprise it was known. Tell people you don’t want surprises shared with her. Tell her that if she’s going to continue to ruin surprises for you that you’ll be taking a step back (or whatever you feel is appropriate, I can’t think of a good example at the moment haha).
You need to establish firm boundaries and keep them.
Something I’d also consider doing is right after she spoils a surprise ask her why she did that. Ask her what that accomplished. Ask her how sharing that surprise benefited you. Sometimes people don’t question their own behavior until it’s really put under a spotlight.
Congrats on the wedding!” palm-bayy
3. AITJ For Wanting To Set Boundaries With My Mother-In-Law?
“My mother-in-law, let’s call her R, ALWAYS gets her way. She was an only child and the whole family seems to think this is why she does what she does.
Anyway, my husband and I got married in February and his mother has always been a bit of an issue for us. She is really sweet and would do anything for us, but also very disrespectful of other people’s feelings if that’s not how she feels about it.
Everything has to be done her way. She makes my anxiety go through the roof because even though I am a very honest and straightforward person, I don’t like it when people are mad at me, so in the past, I tended to just go with whatever she does.
She continuously buys us things we explicitly said we don’t want (not to our taste – like house decorations) and then expects us to use them.
Since we got married she has been really needy with us. (For a bit of background, she loves my husband maybe a little too much and he has never been able to say no to her.
I on the other hand have a definitely NOT clingy family as my parents got divorced when I was at a young age and we got used to being independent of each other)
My husband NEVER says no to his family when they want to come and visit or when they invite us somewhere, even if we have other plans (like date nights, dedicated bonding weekends, etc – even when I have said no to my family for those exact same reasons)… The general idea is that he feels like he cannot say no to them, because they have always been willing to do anything for them.
My mother-in-law has now even begun comparing our relationship with my sister in laws relationship (my husband’s sister and her husband – also very clingy with family – I & P) and she is expecting us to be exactly like I & P. I & P have kids and video call my mother-in-law every day.
EVERY DAY! With their kids.
R is already upset with me because I don’t call her every day. I just know I am not that person as I don’t even talk to my own family that much, but have been told more than once that that is what will be expected of me when I have kids.
Also that my mother-in-law can visit the kids whenever she wants.
I honestly feel that she runs my house and it is driving me mad, but I am just not allowed to say anything because my husband is afraid I will ruin his relationship with her.
(He also ‘jokes’ on how she is too much – even sometimes to her face – and she will just laugh and say ‘I know, can’t help it I just love you so much’.)
I am a very private person and I am tired of my husband and my fighting because of her.
He even agrees with me, but feels we should leave it ‘because that’s just who she is’.
AITJ for wanting to set clear boundaries?
EDIT: I may have made my husband sound like the jerk, but he is not… let me clarify. Yes, we do need to work through it and learn to handle things as a team, but to defend him a little bit: She doesn’t accept the word NO…
so he just feels like she isn’t going to change no matter what… So I am basically told there is no solution, which is what angers me. I guess I am looking for answers on how to set boundaries with someone that most likely won’t accept them…
EDIT 2: My husband’s main concern with me saying something to her is that I am not a very bubbly person, to be more blunt, I have an intimidating poker face. He is concerned that she will focus on my face and not my words and feel like I hate her… not a reason not to do it for me though!
EDIT 3: We will definitely be going to couples counseling because I think he has to say no too. Not just me. Divorce is a last resort for me. I am a bit more conservative in my views of marriage, being a Christian, and living in South Africa.
BUT will definitely identify what boundaries to set to ensure I only have a two-person marriage.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But YOU are the one who will have to say no. Your husband won’t. When she tells you that you have to FaceTime with the kids daily, tell her, ‘No. I’m not calling anyone daily.’ When she pushes it, tell her that she has a son who can handle it but that you’re not going to.
She buys you things she knows you don’t want? Give it to the charity shop, and when she asks you about it, tell her the truth.
Your husband cancels your plans for his family? That’s his choice, but you don’t have to go.
They come to visit without your prior consent? Fine, but your husband has to handle it.
There’s no reason to continue to argue with your husband. You start living by your boundaries, and he’ll catch on. His mom runs the show because everyone lets her.
Telling her no won’t ruin anything.” pineboxwaiting
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all but you need to think very carefully about your future. Your husband doesn’t have your back and is enabling his mother (who sounds like a narcissist!). Nothing is going to change for the better as long as this keeps happening.
In fact, I’m sure it will only get worse once you have kids.
People who enable narcissists with statements like ‘that’s just who she is’ are a real part of the problem. Your husband is supposed to put YOU first now, not his mommy. To be honest, I personally couldn’t respect anyone who puts his mommy before me in a relationship.
You would have to include him anytime someone asks how many children you have. Best of luck to you, OP, you deserve to feel happy and safe with your partner. I wish you all the best.” IsItAcOnSeQuEnCe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
What if you sat R down and let her know that you care for her and hope the two of you will be close, but that you have different needs and comfort levels with the number of phone calls, visits, and family time?
While the family will always be a priority for you and your husband, you also need time for just the two of you.
Let R know for you to feel closer to her that it needs to be in a way that your needs and comfort level are also considered. What works with her other child and grandchildren may not be what works for you and your husband.
There is not a one size fits all solution or roadmap that must be followed. You and your husband will set the terms and she needs to respect that.
Finally, I would put the focus on the quality and enjoyment of the time you spend with her as a truer measure of closeness versus the number of phone calls or visits.
This is your husband’s battle to fight. He needs to check all requests from his mother with you privately before giving her an answer.” Creepy-Vermicelli758
2. AITJ For Disinviting My Cousin From My Wedding?
“I (25m) am getting married on December 31st of this year.
Invitations have long been sent out. My cousin (41f) RSVP’d that she would be there with her three children (20m, 18f, 16m) and her partner (47m).
I grew up around my cousin (she was a teenager when I was born so she was my number one babysitter growing up).
There was a time when I was younger that we were close, but as I grew and moved away to college, that relationship has faded and we really only ever see each other during holidays now.
I have never met her partner. They met online.
He lives in Las Vegas and she lives in Tallahassee with her boys (her daughter is attending college in South Florida). I know they have been together for more than a year But because we have never met him, my fiance and I decided we did not want him at our wedding.
Yesterday I called my cousin to speak with her about our concerns. As you may imagine, the phone call did not go well. She said he had already bought his plane ticket and she had already bought her dress. She was bawling by the end of it and asked if there was anything she could do that would change my mind.
I stood fast.
Because we decided to get married on New Year’s Eve, this is quite possibly the last time all three of her children will be together for this particular holiday. It’s not that I don’t want my cousin to be at my wedding, I just don’t want her to bring her online fling.
She says they are spending the rest of their lives together and that he is her other half, But why would I want to have a complete stranger at my wedding?
AITJ for asking her to make a decision between spending the holiday with all of our family at my wedding and the man she says wants to spend the rest of her life with?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s your wedding and you can invite whoever you want, but you clearly knew she wanted him to come and left the invitation vague by just saying and family instead of listing individuals. I took my now spouse, who I met online and was long-distance with, though not as long-distance as your cousin, to a family wedding on our third date and there really wasn’t anything awkward about it from anyone involved.
I get you are having a medium to small-sized wedding, but you’re greatly overestimating how much time you’re going to be spending with anyone but the wedding party. At the family wedding, we went to, we probably spent 15-20 minutes, if that, with the bride and groom.
On our own, we spent a very limited time with any guests at the actual wedding and it just increased if people stayed long. I think you’re overestimating how awkward this will get.” BobLoblaw24601
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I would normally say your decision was fair because your cousin did not have a plus one, but it sounds like you didn’t give her a plus one because you knew she would want to invite her SO.
But what was most telling for me was ‘I just don’t want her to bring her online fling.’ The needless inclusion of the word ‘online’ there tells me you’re judging their relationship. If he had done something, in particular, you don’t approve of, I could see the intentional exclusion.
However, it sounds like you simply don’t want him there because you don’t approve of the relationship (based solely on the fact that it’s a relationship that developed online).
You can invite whoever you want to your wedding, that’s your right.
But you’re a jerk for the reasoning. Your cousin is also a jerk for inviting someone to your wedding without a plus one (and buying the ticket without getting approval).” zeeniemeanie
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ
Of course, it’s your wedding and the guest list is up to you, but you were unclear on your invite by not listing names and instead having ‘You + Family.’ In your eyes it meant one thing, in her eyes it meant another.
You cannot fault her for your lack of clarity. You can’t give her an ultimatum when you had several opportunities to clarify.
You also say she’s the one you were closest to. If she’s been with him for a year or so and loves him, why would you not allow him at a celebration for love?
Your reasoning is that you’ve never met him. Girl… that’s the nature of families who live states away. I met my cousin’s husband on their wedding day. That same day is when they met my fiancé. The second time I ever saw her hubby, and she ever saw mine, was at my wedding.
You’re overthinking it and stressing over something you don’t realize is so, so insignificant. You will likely spend less than 3 minutes talking to this individual. I just had my wedding this year with 100 guests… The only reason I was able to greet most of them is that we scheduled ourselves to make the rounds to each table during dinner.
Outside of that I hardly talked to anyone! Literally, nobody, not even you, will be focused on him that day.” ddjp12
1. AITJ Giving My Ex One Month To Move Out?
“On the 20th of October, my ex broke up with me telling me she didn’t love me anymore.
The main reasons she gave me were that I wasn’t there enough for her and she was frustrated with my lack of housework. This was all completely valid, I’ve been severely depressed and was slacking hard. She made no attempt to make it work and wanted to end the relationship then and there which she did.
Now I was absolutely devastated, I loved this girl immensely and had been with her for 6 years, I was even planning to ask her to marry me in 2024 and had a ring picked and was saving up for it. I went through 2 years of homelessness for her (a whole other story I won’t get into) so I could live in the same country as her.
I left a lot behind just for her. So understandably I’m very frustrated that she didn’t try and talk to me beforehand so we could fix these issues. Her reason for not telling me is she was worried I would do something stupid, which I wouldn’t have, as proven by when she ended it with me.
After all this I told her she could stay until she finds a place in January however recently she’s been talking to a guy who she met a week before she left me (He was a college friend I reconnected with and I introduced them both) and has been unloading her feelings on him while shutting me out completely and ending any conversation I start with her.
She’s also been doing all the stuff we used to do with him. I feel betrayed by this and just can’t have this happen to me under the same roof, it hurts way too much. So with this and just living with someone you love immensely and who doesn’t love you back, I told her yesterday that she needs to leave by the 15th of December for my own physical and mental well-being.
She is very clearly angry at me and says I’m a jerk. Am I the jerk for telling her she has a month to leave?
Extra bits of context: Unfortunately all my local friends were originally her friends so they hate me now and I have no one to talk to physically, which hurts.
I have no family where I currently live
She said she started to stop loving me the past year which has been the peak of my depression.
Edit: She doesn’t have anyone in the area she can live with and no family in our city, and her job is low paying.
The only reason she stays there is that she likes all her coworkers and is good friends with them. She has basically no credit score as he relied on me for that and she also owns our cats so she needs to find a pet-friendly place which isn’t always easy.
Edit 2: The flat is rented social housing, I’m the one who’s on and signed the tenancy, she moved in a month later.
Edit 3: I forgot to mention that her parents do have a spare bedroom at their place about an hour and 30 mins away, so worst case scenario she’s living with them again.
Edit 4: it seems I’ve accidentally made it seem that the guy she was talking to is in a relationship with her, to my knowledge this is not the case and he’s not really her type.
Edit 5: we don’t live in the US and I’ve made sure to check, I can ask her to leave without legal problems. Though I’d like to think she wouldn’t go down this avenue anyway.
Edit 6: no I will not keep the cats, as much as I love them they are hers and I would never do that to her.
Edit 7: I still did housework I just did it very slowly, and sometimes it can take me a whole day to do a pile of dishes.
I was just using the dishes as an example. To start there are only 2 of us in the house and we’re generally clean people, the house rarely needs cleaning, if we didn’t have the cats we’d probably never have to honestly. I would obviously do more than dishes, that was an example, and some days I’d be able to do them fairly quickly.
That’s the wacky thing with depression, one day you never wanna get out of bed, and the next day your completely fine. Finally, I did actually make an effort to make the chores as easy as possible for when I had my down days so it wouldn’t take so long, such as buying a dishwasher or getting a light but really good hoover.
(She’s not even touched the dishwasher since I bought it as I’ve constantly kept it emptied)”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If this is the U.S. then she has a right to stay until January. If not, then I don’t know. What I do know is that you guys made an agreement.
You have a right to be slighted, but you’re a jerk for breaking the agreement simply because of your feelings.
Some other reasons why you’re the jerk: Making it seem like she’s with this guy. You’re trying to frame it as if she went on to being with the guy right after you broke up.
Making it seem like this breakup was sudden. It seems like she explained her feelings on multiple occasions and you just ignored them. Why is threatening a breakup the only way for you to get yourself together? You shouldn’t have to have a serious conversation for you to do the dishes.
Overall, you repeatedly try to frame her as the bad guy. I understand feeling bad about the situation but don’t make agreements that you can’t live up to. You can’t expect her to not live her life just because you guys broke up.
I’d understand if she was bringing him to the house, but she’s not.” Complete_Relation
Another User Comments:
“YTJ 110% for breaking your deal with her!
You’re getting upset about how she is choosing to recover as if you have any right to dictate who she does and doesn’t confide in.
So what if she’s talking to you about someone you don’t like? How does that remotely give you a good reason to kick her out of her own home? She’s not your child to control, she’s an adult. She needs to process it in her own way.
You agreed on January, she leaves January plain and simple.
You’re EX is not responsible for your mental health and blaming her is not going to help you heal. So using it as an excuse is ludicrous, your mental health is on you. Focus on that and ignore what she does.
If you gotta make new friends, move, go to therapy, get out on meds for ur depression, etc, do it. Just quit being selfish, leave her alone, and take care of yourself.” GardenSpecialist5619
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You made an agreement on how long she can stay when you broke up.
She is single now and can do what she wants.
You changed the agreement now to punish her for her way of dealing with the breakup and you want her to suffer even as far as homelessness out of spite. That tells me a lot about your character honestly, especially if you admit yourself that you have been a trashy partner the last months of your relationship, so you are as much responsible that this relationship didn’t work out as your SO.
You say you truly love your ex, but why would you be a bad partner then? And why would you want a person you still love to suffer? I think you don’t love her so much as you say, you just loved to love her and be loved by her, but not her as a person, and now your ego is unhappy and that’s why you want her to suffer.
If you kick her out now there is a huge chance her only option is to move in with a guy. I hope this makes you happy.” Every_Caterpillar945
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