People Ask Us To Validate Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories

Being kind all the time is not always simple. Everyone has those times when they are upset or stressed out, but occasionally we forget that everyone we encounter is going through something, and we act rudely toward them without giving it a second thought. These folks are unsure of their previous behavior. They want us to decide whether they were jerks in the past because they are worried about it. Read their stories below, then let us know what you think. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

22. AITJ For Giving My Partner A Cheap Gift?


“My partner wanted either a custom engraved leather belt or something called red-bottom shoes for her birthday. I worked extra hours and cut back on stuff the past months so I could get her both. Even though I placed the orders almost a full month before her birthday, there were some problems and the shoes were going to arrive the day after her birthday and the belt a couple of days after that.

I told her that her big major present was delayed and she was okay with it. We had dinner with her parents and family for her birthday and I didn’t want to be completely empty-handed and look like a bad partner so I got her some smaller placeholder gifts so she’d have something to open from me on her actual birthday.

I got her a couple of small Squishymellows with a bag of her favorite chocolates. She looked really disappointed when she opened my present and one of her uncles kind of chuckled and went ‘Oooo looks like someone’s on the couch tonight’.

I explained that my big gift to her was late and this was just so she had something to open on her day and I thought she’d like it. My partner asked why I didn’t get her something off her holiday list and I told her because those items are all expensive and I already spent 700 on her birthday gifts if I got her one of those items now I wouldn’t be able to afford holiday gifts for her.

When I was leaving her dad gave me some funds and told me to go pick up one of the items on her holiday list because as her partner I should be willing to go all out for her birthday and holiday with gifts if I’m serious about being with her and he expected more of me.

I was so embarrassed I told him thanks anyway but I’d figure something out. He must’ve told her what happened because now she and her dad think I’m not serious about her since I wouldn’t take the funds to get her a different gift.


Another User Comments:

“OP, you’ve really done a lot for your partner. Working extra hours, cutting back on your own personal spending, and ordering the gifts earlier in hopes that they would arrive on time. You’ve gone above and beyond to show her that you love and appreciate her and want her to feel special on her birthday.

What’s more, you let her know in advance that her big gifts are on their way but will be a day or two late. This is no fault of your own. You ALSO got her some cute small gifts to open on her actual birthday and she still somehow was disappointed anyway.

OP, you’ve done nothing wrong here. And I think your partner has some seriously unrealistic expectations that are probably fueled by the way that her family treats her birthdays and holidays.

It would be a really good idea to sit her down and talk through this with her.

You don’t have the same means as her father and you already made a big investment in her birthday. I know we all have our different love languages, but your relationship shouldn’t revolve around how many expensive things you’re able to buy for her.

If your partner is unable to appreciate the effort you’ve put into getting her the gifts she wanted for her birthday (even if they’re a couple of days late) there is someone out there who will.

You are absolutely NTJ here.” Introvertedlikewoah

Another User Comments:


If that’s how they determine if someone is serious about them based on the price of presents they received while disregarding the person’s financial position, you’re better off being single.

Such people will run off the moment you can’t provide them with much luxury so don’t waste your time and resources on such people.” denasher

Another User Comments:

“These people are materialistic jerks. If you are interested in living this kind of life, then I highly suggest you get a better paying job – because the ‘gifts’ will get more and more expensive and expected.

I’m sorry but $700 is a ridiculous amount to spend on anyone you aren’t family with – the fact she was visibly disappointed in your smaller gifts at dinner was not only a HUGE red flag but extremely disrespectful and unappreciative.

I pray you don’t even need to review her ‘holiday list’ and find yourself a nice girl who appreciates Squishymellows! NTJ. Good luck! (I’d send back the gifts you bought to – get your funds back and spend it on yourself!)” DLCMotroni

9 points (9 votes)

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Turtlelarke 4 months ago
There are red flags her for sure but I'm curious to how her reaction was when her actual gifts had arrived. I'm hoping she was ecstatic and apologetic, maybe she thought you were trying to save face and fibbing about the other delayed presents. Her reaction was definitely a red flag, and I get giving and receiving gifts are a love language but they need to be reasonable if it's always about price with her and she can't behind the sweet thought, and sentiment and sacrifice for the gifts you give, she will never be's not your fault. Try communicating about expectations. If she's all about that Prada then give her nada and walk away
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21. AITJ For Not Wanting To Accommodate My Husband's Sister Anymore?


“I (26 F) and my husband (27 M) have been married for 4 years. My husband and his family have been through major losses throughout the years and I have been by his side while he has been through the worst of his depression.

The first year of getting married I moved in with him in his family’s home while we save funds to get an apartment of our own. During the duration of my stay there, it was miserable, I felt super uncomfortable staying there as his sisters never seemed welcoming to me and one of them outright told me that she doesn’t see me as a family since I am not blood-related.

For the rest of my stay since then I never left the bedroom.

After we finally moved out and got an apartment of our own. From time to time my husband’s little sister 21F will stay with us, we only have 1 bedroom and 1 bathroom.

In the beginning, my husband would bring her over unannounced and would tell me she will be sleeping over for a day or two, I didn’t mind it. For the duration of her stay, she sleeps on the couch since we only have one bedroom, she doesn’t get up from the couch so in the end I clean up after her mess.

That day or two that she stays with us ends up being a week. I would tell my husband how I feel about that, first, we don’t have a big space, second, we only have one TV which is in the living room and she uses it all day, third I am just wanting some privacy and I end up being in my bedroom the whole time after a long day at work.

After telling my husband about it he gets defensive and says ‘We have been through a lot’, but I tell him ‘I understand but I am human and I have my boundaries’. This escalates to a fight between us and I am left feeling helpless and guilty for feeling this way.

This is an ongoing thing and currently is happening right now and of course, we had another argument again because it has been a couple of days already and I am just tired of coming home from work picking up, and cleaning after her.

He says he understands where I am coming from but this always ends up resulting the same way each time she stays over. AITJ for wanting her to go to her home already?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – stop cleaning up after her, stop being so considerate, and stop letting them walk all over you.

Start being loud when she is sleeping, start going into the front room and turning on the television, keep the remote and don’t let her dictate what happens in your home, make your own food and only buy enough for yourself, and keep your snacks in your room.

You are going to be treated like this until you stand up for yourself.” Dabbles-In-Irony

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Not only are you entitled to your own space, but she is not entitled to having you be her personal maid, nor hogging all the TV time, etc.

I think, if it were me, I’d ‘go on strike’ and stop cleaning up after her. Plus, I’d maybe find a way to have some privacy, even if I had to stop by a library or other quiet place for an hour or two on the way home.

In a way, because you two spent a whole year at his family’s home, he’s at least somewhat ‘obligated’ in a manner of speaking to help out. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t have responsibilities as a guest though, and it’s worth working out in a fair manner for everyone.

Starting with her cleaning up after herself, not hogging ALL the TV time, etc.

You should also not relegate yourself to the bedroom and should be out there in your own living room, loud and proud doing what you want. Crafts, reading, straightening up (other than HER mess), etc.

The more you hide away, the more she’s going to take over and ‘stake her claim.’ Don’t let her do that.

Go out there and talk her ear off if need be.” canvasshoes2

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but instead of cleaning after her get dressed and go to the gym.

Have a long, steady workout. Then use the jacuzzi, sauna, and shower. Don’t do anything for anyone, and don’t nag about the issue anymore. and don’t hide out in your room. By the time you get home you will be so tired you won’t care about your SIL and your husband will be wrecked cause he has to deal with his messy teen sister and you will sleep like a baby.

Focus your energy on you. You expressed yourself and he heard you but he doesn’t care. So you do you! Let him do for himself now. Women give up themselves for their men and require crumbs in return. Stop doing that.

If you don’t want to live like this and he is not going to change then it’s time to move on or refocus cause if you keep trying to change either one of them you will continue to be miserable.” sub2865

8 points (8 votes)

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LilVicky 4 months ago
NTJ but you need to rethink your relationship with your husband. He’s letting his sister walk all over you & doesn’t care.
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20. AITJ For Having My Friend's Son Stay With Us Over My Husband's Birthday Weekend?


“My (30 f) husband’s (32 m) birthday was coming up at the weekend. I hadn’t planned anything specific but we were going to celebrate with our daughter (11 months).

In the meantime, my friend (30 f) who has a son (2 years) had just given birth to her daughter prematurely at 23 weeks.

Her family life is difficult so she didn’t have much support around her. These are times when you need to rally around and support. I offered to look after her son so she could spend quality time with her daughter. I picked him up from school a couple of times and took care of him and he stayed over at our house a couple of nights.

As it neared the weekend of my husband’s bday, I told him that if I had to pick up my friend’s son that week, it would mean baby girl had taken a turn for the worst. As it happened, by Friday I was asked to pick him up and he was due to stay with us over the weekend.

When my husband got home that Friday and realized my friend’s son was with us, he started sulking and giving me silent treatment. When I confronted him and told him he was acting selfish, he called me a jerk whilst holding my daughter in his arms.

I was gobsmacked.

We carried on with the weekend. 3 days later baby girl died.

For context, we had been having a lot of ups and downs in our relationship and were not in the best place. A few months later, my BIL tried to talk to us to help resolve some of the issues we were having.

When the situation about the baby came up, he said he was upset that his birthday was ruined and he hoped that by making an effort for his day, it would have helped with the issues we were having. I couldn’t believe it.

AITJ for not prioritizing his birthday?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Sadly, it looks like this should be the end of your marriage. Just think about it for a moment, your husband selfishly put himself over an infant and one that was in critical condition at the time.

Any sane, non-self-absorbed individual would understand that plans don’t go as normal when there is an emergency. You did the correct thing in helping your friend as any same person would do. Your husband is showing you that he has no actual intention of working on your marriage, which is a team effort.

He is only concerned about himself. Continue being there for your friend and start getting things in order to protect yourself and your child.” CapsFan1066

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. A friend’s baby was dying and she needed help! I honestly would not want to stay married to a grown man who couldn’t understand that a tragic emergency happened that impacted plans for his birthday.

It was his 32nd birthday, not his 5th. Birthdays can be celebrated on a different weekend when extra kids are not around. It doesn’t sound like you were planning some big adult-only event and there is no reason that birthdays can’t be celebrated with an extra kid floating around.” Imaginary_Quality_46

Another User Comments:


You didn’t prioritize anyone over anything.

You picked up your friend’s son while she dealt with a horribly traumatic situation. This one is bad enough that I really don’t think you needed a formal ok from your husband, even though I normally would think you should confirm with him.

You were planning a toddler-friendly celebration anyway. Sure, he probably would prefer the boy not to be there, but it wasn’t like his birthday was canceled. Him calling you such a horrible name in the presence of your child no less, would be a done deal for me. He can be disappointed, but he should never, ever, under any circumstances speak to you like that.” gcot802

8 points (8 votes)

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LizzieTX 4 months ago
NTJ. I'm just sorry you had to find out that you actually have two children rather than one, and that your 11 month old is the more mature of the two.
I honestly cannot wrap my brain around an adult male with a wife and child who is so self absorbed that he can't understand his wife helping her friend who is dealing with a terminally ill child. Gobsmacked is the perfect word.
If I were you, I'd begin quietly gathering everything I needed for myself and my child, set up separate bank accounts, take your half of the funds from any joint accounts and put them in yours only, and don't bank where your husband does. This walking @nus will never be the partner/father you need him to be, so best ditch him ASAP and care for yourself and your daughter. I'm so sorry for your trouble, and I wish you good luck and a smooth transition to the next chapter of your life.
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19. AITJ For Unfriending My Sister-In-Law On Social Media?


“I (34 f) have been with my partner (37 m) for 11 years. He has 2 brothers and one (35 m) is married to a woman (34 f) that I have a really hard time getting along with (So does the rest of his family from what I hear).

In the last few times, we have had a family dinner, she felt the need to criticize things I post on my newsfeed on social media, I have a humorous personality where as she’s more conservative and uptight so it seems posts or memes I share offend her.

I told her she is more than happy to unfollow (which means my posts won’t show but we are still ‘friends on social media’ and I unfollow her since all her posts are constant complaints about the pettiest things Dear Diary type ) me or unfriend me but she would just get madder and told me I should just stop posting those kinds of things.

After the 4th or 5th time, she decided to bring up and complain about my posts when we were all together, I just about had enough of her complaints so I took out my phone, looked her up on my social media, and removed her from it while showing her, then said, ‘There.

Now the issue is solved and you won’t see my ‘offensive’ posts anymore.’

She got extremely angry and stormed off, later her husband (my partner’s brother) texted him asking if I could apologize so she would calm down otherwise she does not want to come over anymore.

My partner told me I was a jerk for what I did and wants me to apologize but I told him I had enough of her constant nagging and complaining about everything I do and if she’s that offended over it she should just get over the things I post and unfollow me or hide them.

So AITJ for unfriending her?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Muting is an option if you simply don’t want to deal with what someone else is posting. If she was bothered enough to complain about it repeatedly, I don’t know why she’s surprised you decided to just take her off your feed, much less upset about it.

I also don’t know why your partner is defending her instead of telling his brother that you don’t know what she’s looking for here that doesn’t involve you being a totally different person or getting off social media entirely, so this is her problem to get over.” User

Another User Comments:


She offered unsolicited commentary and criticism because you don’t conform to her expectations. You offered a peaceful resolution, but she chose to relentlessly harangue you instead of just unfollowing you – so you put her in her place. She’s not entitled to your social media feed or any other aspect of your life.

It does sound as though you have a husband problem. Personally, I’m super petty. I would bury him in messages complaining about everything he does on social media. I would blow up his phone with mean texts. I would cover the house in critical sticky notes.

Somewhere along the line, I assume the message would get through.” TheRebelArsenal

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She has a problem with your feed and you effectively solved it. She will not be offended by your posts anymore. She is not the boss of you so she doesn’t get to dictate what you post.

Your partner is being a jerk about this because you don’t owe her an apology. If you do feel like apologizing to keep the peace make it insincere e.g. ‘I’m sorry you felt hurt because I stopped you from viewing my posts that offended you’. Her request was way out of line and feel free to ignore her and her ‘feelings’.” Turbulent_Message637

7 points (7 votes)

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LizzieTX 4 months ago (Edited)
NTJ. SIL thought she would be able to bully you into doing what she wanted, jacked around and found out, and it's somehow YOUR fault? ROFLMAOPIMP! You did exactly what I would have done. And if your partner has a problem with it, tell him you won't be bullied, that SIL wouldn't back off on the problem she has with your opinions, so you solved her problem for her. And if he keeps nagging you to apologize to her, you'll solve his problem for him, too. Never allow anyone to stop you being you, especially someone who is only needled because you aren't doing what she wants. Not like you'd ever be able to please her anyway, no matter if you went full blown ultra right wing conservative. She just wants an excuse to be a jerk. She needs to have a knot jerked in her, and fast. What an excruciating person.
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18. AITJ For Not Being Available On Thanksgiving?


“My in-laws and some other family on my husband’s side live in the same city as us. Some of that local family was leaving town on Thanksgiving, so my MIL decided we should celebrate early. My BIL, my out-of-town SIL, and her family planned to visit here early as well as my husband’s out-of-state nieces and their spouses so, so far, reasonable thinking.

A few weeks ago, I walked into the living room where my husband was on the phone with MIL. I could hear the conversation and it was clear that the family was coming to our house for Early Thanksgiving because MIL didn’t think she’d have enough room to host at hers.

I hadn’t heard a thing about this yet, so I was trying to catch my husband’s attention to clear this up with MIL. He waved me off until he hung up the call and when I asked ‘Did your mother just invite everyone to OUR house without asking?’ his response was, ‘Yeah, she’s just like that.

It makes sense, we have a bigger house.’

I hadn’t even been given a date for Early Thanksgiving dinner, so I asked when all of this was planned on going down and was advised it was for the Monday before actual Thanksgiving.

I manage a retail store and as you can imagine we are hugely busy during the holidays so over the next week I had to move heaven and earth to be able to have that particular Monday off. I finally got it accomplished by having a manager come in from out of town, only to find out that my MIL rescheduled last minute because my BIL would have had to leave early on Monday.

Basically, I found out on Saturday that dinner was now on Sunday and Monday was a bust.

In retail, you still sometimes work on Sundays and to add to that, all of the stores in our region started an online volunteer event one Sunday evening a month where we all get on a group call online and plan and coordinate an in-person event or do something online, like record reading books to kids, foreign language translation help, things like that.

My store location was set to host the volunteer event on THAT Sunday so I told my husband that if the family was going to be coming over on that date I would be unavailable until after 6 PM.

My husband laughed it off until he was scrambling to get things ready on Sunday and I was busy.

He got upset and blamed me for ‘faking’ having to work. He was mad that I wasn’t there to help, and then that I ducked into my office at four as his family was arriving and wasn’t done until roughly six (like I’d been telling him all along).

When I finally came out, dinner was over. His family was very confused because apparently my husband and his mother told them I didn’t actually have anything to do on a Sunday, that I was ‘hiding’ from everyone. My husband also added that the least I could do after not helping him and shunning his family was to clean up, but I’d had quite enough at that point, made myself a sandwich, cleaned up after my own plate, and went to bed.

What am I missing here? AITJ for not being available for Thanksgiving?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. People imposed on you once. You moved everything to accommodate. they changed it again and didn’t even bother telling you with enough advance that you could do something.

Your husband and his family are lucky you didn’t throw them all out. My dad NEVER would have invited family over without first checking with my mom. Your husband and the family are jerks. Good for you for not engaging and not cleaning up! What did your in-laws say when you explained?” Dangerous-Emu-7924

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, you have a husband problem, and you may have a MIL problem too, but it could be that her way of begging is stemming directly from your husband.

I would have informed everybody that you moved Heaven and Earth to make sure your Monday was available, only to find that it was moved to Sunday at the last minute. Then I would let them know every single thing that you already had lined up for Sunday, and that you had told your husband of all of those things already.

Don’t let any of this wait sit on your shoulders, make very clear that all of the problems that happened, happened because of your husband.” big_mama_f

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You were voluntold to host an early Thanksgiving dinner, bent over backward to make yourself available, only to have everything changed up on you again without your consent.

They don’t get to be mad that you already had plans that couldn’t be changed this time. They should have considered themselves lucky you were willing to still let them eat in your home. Glad you’ve chucked them all to the curb.” clutzycook

7 points (7 votes)

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LizzieTX 4 months ago
Definitely NTJ. You manage a retail store, and your jerk husband doesn't understand that you're not available at a moment's notice to host his entire family? Is he really that thick, or just that disrespectful of your time? Sounds like the latter.
I think you behaved perfectly. You were accommodating enough to agree to host the first "early thanksgiving" date, but the @$$hat you're married to and the @$$hat who spawned him didn't think to STOP imposing on you after you'd already told them you had to work? I'm delighted that you stuck to your guns and didn't allow yourself to be steamrolled, but I'd be thinking long and hard about the future of your marriage. Good luck, and very well done.
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17. AITJ For Not Being Conversational With My Partner's Mom?


“My partner Jack (26) and me (25 f) have been a couple for 7 years. Two years ago we moved in together in a flat on the 1st floor of his grandparent’s house; they live on the ground floor. Due to their age, Jack’s mother June is around a lot to help them out.

The first year we moved in June came to visit up to 3 times a week. She would just knock whenever she was around. Jack and I work from home. Oftentimes Jack would be in work meetings so it would be up to me to have a conversation with her since I’m free to organize my working hours and able to pause work.

Her visits take 20-30 minutes.

I really dislike unannounced visitors. It’s exhausting for me to be expected to pause whatever I’m doing to accommodate someone. After a while, I became very frustrated with her visits. I complained to Jack about it. He thinks I’m being unreasonable, her visits don’t bother him at all.

He understands that June wants to see him since he moved out, esp. because he doesn’t visit her on his own even though she lives close by and that it’s very practical when she’s there for her parents anyway. I told him, that what mostly frustrates me, is that she’s coming unannounced.

I suggested that she could just send a quick text or call. He doesn’t think that to be necessary. I also told him that I like spending time with her and that I’m open to meeting up for coffee, just to make an appointment beforehand.

I didn’t speak to June about the situation. I feel like if Jack is okay with her visiting this way, I can’t tell her to not come over anymore. I fear this might worsen our relationship.

The visits became less frequent, every 2-3 weeks after Jack talked to June about it.

Today she knocked at 12 sharp. I suppose she started planning her visits around lunchtime so Jack would be less likely to be on a work call. I was on my lunch break in the kitchen heating up leftovers. I just looked through the door to say hello, thanked her for a small gift she brought over, and went back to the kitchen.

I started doing the dishes. Jack and June were having a conversation I didn’t partake in. I was frustrated because I was very hungry and not comfortable to start eating when they were lingering around in the hallway. After 20 minutes he told her he needed to have lunch before his break was over, so she left.

I told her goodbye.

After she was out the door Jack confronted me. He was very reproachful. He expected me to come out of the kitchen and at least have a quick chat. It was after all his mother visiting and just saying hello and hiding in the kitchen would be unacceptable.

Especially since I was on break and not working like I usually am when she’s coming over. I told him that I don’t think this way, that I am entitled to spend my lunch break the way I want. That I was hungry and just wanted to have my peace and not be bothered.

I’m fuming right now because I feel my boundaries are not being respected, but I’m also not sure if I’m selfish for wanting to spend my time however I want.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ, the boundaries you are trying to set are totally reasonable.

It doesn’t take much effort from Jack’s mom to let you know beforehand that she is coming over.

If I may make a suggestion, try setting firmer boundaries about your work schedule. So far you’ve been asking for boundaries, try just telling people that these are your boundaries.

Set your working hours in stone and tell Jack and his mom that you cannot be interrupted during them. Don’t answer the door when you’re working, let Jack sort it out.” Don_Ciccio

Another User Comments:


All of this adds up to: Jack doesn’t like dealing with his Mom.

Your not being in the room didn’t provide him a distraction to dip off.

He would’ve handled her earlier frequent visits much differently if you would’ve stopped answering the door or directed her to his office. He’s a grown man, he can tell his Mother he’s busy himself.

She’s not your problem to handle. You deal with her on your terms when you want. Stop running interference for him.” LandaHolla

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Perhaps politely using the phrase ‘I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for me right now’ or ‘Sorry, I was in the middle of something’ and excusing yourself, or simply not coming to the door.

Let Jack answer the door for his mom’s unannounced visits. Jack’s not being able to set boundaries with his mom is his issue. It seems as if he wants you to deal with her because he can’t- either that or he’s a momma’s boy. Neither is a good outcome for you. Maybe try couples counseling.” OnThe45th

7 points (7 votes)

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LizzieTX 4 months ago
NTJ, and tell Jack the momma's boy that it's HIS momma and he gets to deal with her.
Working from home is WORKING, whether or not one works in a suit, or in one's pajamas. I WFH, but my husband is retired, and for the longest time he thought nothing of coming and interrupting me for the most inconsequential reasons. I had to set boundaries firmly and often, and then pitch one major fit where I explained that if someone isn't bleeding, or one of the livestock are injured, or it's not a genuine emergency, DO NOT INTERRUPT ME. The irony was that when we both WFH and I had the temerity to interrupt him about something important, he pitched a fit. Clearly what was sauce for the goose wasn't sauce for the gander, but we worked through it.
You are WORKING. Jack is WORKING. If MIL keeps showing up unannounced, she deserves the same curt dismissal that she would get had she barged into your bedroom in an intimate moment. Just because neither she nor Jack have any boundaries, doesn't mean you don't. Do not receive her. Make Jack answer the door when she visits unannounced. If he tries to pull you into the situation, smile, apologize and say you're swamped but it's nice to see her, and dip. Let him deal with his mommy instead of pushing her off on you, and I guarantee it will only happen a time or two. Good luck!
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16. WIBTJ If I Suggest To Have A Potluck Christmas Dinner?


“My mother-in-law, who passed away earlier this month, always hosted her husband’s (M 63) family for the holidays. They are all very traditional, which meant my MIL cooking all day by herself while my father-in-law, both his parents, his brother, and his brother’s fiancé sat in the living room watching TV.

Me (F 29), my husband (M 29), and his brother (M 26) would help cook where we could.

I’ve been with my husband for 13 years. After seeing how hard MIL had to work, and the expectations the extended family put on her, I have always been vocal about the fact that I was never cooking a full holiday dinner for everyone.

I know my limitations, and I don’t want to invite that stress into my life during an already stressful time. However, now that my MIL has passed away, there is an expectation that my husband and I will go to his dad’s house to cook for everyone with his brother’s help, while his dad, uncle, uncle’s fiancée, and both grandparents sit around doing nothing.

I want to suggest a potluck type of thing, where everyone brings a dish. However, I asked everyone to do that for the luncheon we hosted after my MIL’s funeral, and my husband’s grandmother felt like she was asked to do too much.

(I asked her to bring paper plates and napkins.)

Before my MIL died, she said that the grandparents have always expected to be served a full meal plus leftovers for them to take home. This is exactly what I never wanted to do.

So, would I be the jerk for refusing to cook Christmas dinner and instead telling the guests it’s a potluck or no luck?”

Another User Comments:

“You would not be a jerk – in no rational world is there any obligation for you to slave all day to feed a bunch of entitled, unappreciative people.

Essentially they are saying ‘We want to be waited on hand and foot and have a great holiday while you bust your behind and we take you for granted.’ Certain things can be handed down from one generation to another, but servitude isn’t one of them anymore.

No is a complete sentence – use it and let them work out how they are going to eat.

I might cut some slack for the FIL’s parents only because they must be getting up there in years, but they can still do ‘something’ to help rather than just sit there and complain, and the others can stand on their feet and stir pots, set table, chop veggies or anything else that needs to be done.

If they aren’t willing to commit to that, let ’em order takeout Chinese or something.” Dipping_My_Toes

Another User Comments:

“You would not be a jerk. Since they do not want a potluck, consider picking up a prepared meal for 10 people (or whatever the right number is) from a restaurant or catering service that prepares these! And some nice paper plates and table-wear, festive throwaway tablecloth.

All you would have to do is set the table and clear up.

Or make a meal reservation at a nice restaurant, with each family paying for their OWN meals (tell this to the waiter when he/she takes your order).

Yes, this is expensive – but worth it for not spending 8 hours slaving to prepare and clean up a big meal!

Do not cook for them even once, or they will expect it every year, every holiday.

That is probably how MIL got stuck with it.” bkwormtricia

Another User Comments:

“You would not be a jerk. You have offered a good compromise, you know your limitations, and now it is their choice to accept it or not, it is not the 50s and you are not their servant.

If they don’t want to bring dishes or share the work, fine, his dad can do the cooking and maybe realize that it is not that easy or you can order in or go to a restaurant. Maybe you could go to your family for Christmas. In any case, you are allowed to enjoy your Christmas.” Whatever-and-breathe

6 points (6 votes)

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LizzieTX 4 months ago
NTJ. I think a potluck is just the thing; a perfect compromise to honor your late MIL and still keep the family together at the holiday table.
I would offer this option to all and sundry, pretending that you forgot about the negative reaction to it when offered before. Then when everyone is through whinging and whining about why this won't work, tell them you are not available to cook the way MIL did, and it's either this, or you will make reservations at a restaurant for Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter and any other family holiday that comes up, and each family will order and pay for what they want to eat. Then smile, and be quiet. If they push, tell them "I'm sorry I gave you the impression that this is negotiable. I will not be cooking solo for all the holiday dinners.". Then smile, rinse and repeat as needed. Sooner or later, they'll get the message. If they don't, cut contact. Don't put up with bullying.
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15. AITJ For Refusing To Cancel My Birthday Plans For My Sister's Baby Shower?


“I (22f) turned 22 last month. I had plans for my birthday, my fiancé and I planned to go to an art museum in the neighboring city and then afterward go to a buffet restaurant along with some friends. We organized this a couple of months in advance.

My sister ‘Lola’ (31 f) is pregnant with her fourth child and for some reason, she decided to host the baby shower on my birthday. I didn’t know until she sent out the e-invites around three weeks before the day.

I messaged Lola and told her that I’m sorry but the shower is on my birthday and I already made plans to celebrate my birthday.

I don’t know if Lola just forgot when my birthday was (which I doubt because our birthdays are 10 days apart), but she got really defensive and passive-aggressively said that it’s fine that I don’t prioritize family. She told me I’m being selfish.

Lola told our parents about it and they got mad at me and demanded that I cancel my plans to go to the baby shower and implied that my unborn relative will hate me if I don’t.

I ended up not going to the shower and everyone is extremely mad at me.

Lola has me blocked on everything and my parents are demanding that I apologize to her.”

Another User Comments:


You have prior plans with others that are important to you and them, though evidently not to your sister and parents. Also, the baby shower is nothing important other than a glorified gathering with no real purpose so not going to it won’t cause any suffering to the mother-to-be or yet-to-be-born baby.” denasher

Another User Comments:


Why should you apologize for choosing to do what you want on your birthday?

You are an adult and your birthday is one day a year.

She could have chosen ANY OTHER DAY. There are 365 of them. But she chooses your birthday and is dismissive of your right to choose what you want to do. So are your parents.

Ask them when did they forget that you are an adult who has a birthday every year on the same day and can choose to celebrate however you want.

Your plans were made well in advance and if your sister had cared at all she would have remembered your birthday and planned for another day.

Your world doesn’t revolve around your sister. You have a life of your own.” SuperHuckleberry125

Another User Comments:


So when is the wedding going to be? That is the question that you may want to keep in mind.

One to avoid the impending birth, and the other as a point of this is the start of a new family.

The fact that you are engaged, and it has been the topic of conversation is why your sister chose the date of the baby shower that she did.

She wants the attention, though this being her fourth child, whatever could she need for the newest child, beyond diapers and formula? Unless she is expecting all new items and is using the shower as a poor attempt to get said items.

I would also like to know, how often has your sister been upstaging you? Is it recent, or has this been going on for a long time and is a pattern of where she has to be the center of attention and everyone going in on such?

The entire guilt-tripping thing, do not give in, nor should you apologize to her.

Her blocking you to make it impossible for you to contact her only would give her the ammunition to try to milk this for far more attention.

Have you sent out the invitations to the wedding? Decided on the location, venue, or how you want it to be? Have a guest list prepared? If you have not, one may think that offending one of the people getting married would be a good way not to be invited to said event.

Mind you keep all of this in mind, especially as it gets closer to the time when things like the invites have to come out, and do not be surprised if the sister who blocks you now unblocks and demands that she get an invite, or her children are included, or anything of that nature.

And expect pressure from your parents.

You may want to get ahead and figure out a few plans, a through z, and make sure you password everything around your wedding. Yours would not be the first one where a family tries to sabotage by making a phone call to change or cancel anything.” JCWa50

6 points (8 votes)

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LizzieTX 4 months ago
NTJ, and your sister is a real piece of passive aggressive work.
Tell your parents that you will not be apologizing to your sister now or ever for having your own plans for your own birthday, and her spawning for the fourth time is not a reason for you to act like she's giving birth to the messiah. If they have a problem with that, neither they, Lola, nor anyone else who shares their viewpoint need attend your wedding.
Oh, and I would absolutely take JCWa50's advice and password all your arrangements with all of your vendors. Your jerk family sound exactly the type to be vindictive.
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14. AITJ For Telling My Sister-In-Law How I Treat Her Kids Reflects Her Attitude Toward Me?


“I married my husband 4 years ago and I have known him for years. He has an older sister who does not like me. My crime? Her husband got a little too flirty with me when my husband introduced us all and he had to be told to back off by not just me but my husband.

Of course, I was the flirt trying to steal her man. The fact I never did anything to encourage it and actively told him to stop and walked away wasn’t enough. It also wasn’t an isolated thing with him but my husband intervened to make sure he knew we meant business.

She has 3 kids with the husband. Ever since that day we met she has kept me at arm’s length with her kids. And she’s rude. Very rude. Has also treated me in very childish ways but it’s whatever. I won’t force myself into a place I am not wanted.

I am kind to the kids but she never wants me to spend time with them or talk too much with them.

But now she is jealous because my sister’s children are close to me and my husband and I spoil them since I have fertility issues and might never get to be a mom.

She called my husband out first and he told her that her kids were welcome but he wasn’t going to take the funds we earned together and tell me I need to stay home or not speak to her kids while they’re with him/us.

She then confronted me and accused me of treating her children badly. I told her she can’t treat me badly, keep me out of her kids’ lives and expect them to benefit from me being their aunt. I told her I would love to spoil her kids too.

But if I’m not welcome then I can’t.

She said I was taking our issues out on her kids. Maybe I said things wrong here. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, she is just an unhappy person looking to make others unhappy with needless drama.

She needs to focus on keeping her husband in line rather than look at who you are spending time with. Don’t even think twice, people like this are toxic. Hope her kids are not picking up on her toxic behavior. It’s totally your and your husband’s choice on how you deal with her.

Don’t feel bad with people like this who guilt trip you and play mind games.” comeonwhatdidIdo

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – You are quite right, she doesn’t get to treat you like trash and then expect you to spoil and indulge her offspring.

I have doubts about how they view you anyway, given that she probably has not been a bit shy about badmouthing you to them. Fortunately, it sounds as if your husband really has your back (kudos to him!) so ignore her and her toxic, entitled attitude.

Maybe suggest she spend more energy keeping her flirtatious husband on a leash? No, I guess not, but we all can dream!” Dipping_My_Toes

Another User Comments:


It doesn’t sound like you’re being mean to her kids; you’re just not going above and beyond.

There is a very good chance that she’s using her own kids in a power play, to coerce you. Your brother-in-law and sister-in-law have created a situation in which you actually can’t do much with/for her kids without opening yourself up to their mistreatment… so what are you meant to do? It might even be worth asking her that to see what she says.

Sounds like you’re the victim here OP. Don’t let your sister-in-law portray you as anything else.” magnus_the_fish

5 points (5 votes)

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LizzieTX 4 months ago
NTJ, and your SIL is so jealous of you, she can barely stand herself.
It appears to me as though you and your husband have handled the situation perfectly, so you don't need my advice. The only thing I might suggest for you is that you continue to be polite but distant with SIL, her horndog husband and their children. You've stated your case in response to her request that you spoil her children, told her that you won't, and that's that. If she keeps nagging, I highly recommend using my stock phrase whenever she starts singing the victim song; "I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that this is negotiable." Then smile, and walk away. If she follows and persists, rinse and repeat as needed. It might take a time or three or five or sixty two, but eventually she'll get the message. The important thing is that you smile, repeat the phrase, and vamoose. 😀 Good luck!
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13. AITJ For Calling Out My Cousin's Mistreatment Toward His Reptiles?


“I (27m) have been keeping reptiles since before 2020. Half the fun for me is building the enclosures and choosing the best inhabitants based on that. I only choose reptiles to keep that are (relatively) low maintenance, fairly handleable, and something I am both interested in and invested in.

The basement level of my house is a reptile room for all my scaled friends. The whole basement has 20 terrariums varying in size from 8’x4’x4’ for my Savannah monitor and Burmese python to 2-foot cubes for various geckos and everything in between.

My cousin picked up reptile keeping over the course of the global crisis and he had me watch his animals when he went on vacation and his care for his animals was non-existent. All of his animals had major issues with their care.

A lot of his lizards had layers of the stuck shed, which can be debilitating for the lizard if it costs them toes, a tail tip, or even an entire arm or leg if it is severe enough. None of his animals were at the correct temperatures or had UVB (if needed) I asked about it when he got home and my aunt said his care is perfect.

She is his mother, so of course she is going to defend him. She also said ‘How would you know’ and I told her and my cousin that I have been keeping reptiles since before 2020 and to come and check out my room.

Once they saw my room, they were floored. All of my animals were out and alert vs constantly hiding. All of my diurnal species had UVB of the appropriate amount. No one had stuck shed or a mess in their enclosure.

The difference between the two was night and day and even my aunt had to admit she was wrong. She told my cousin right there that he either had to step his game up or give up the hobby entirely. My cousin still lives with my aunt, so she can give him an ultimatum like this land frankly I am glad she did.

It forced him to scale down his collection and I even took in a few of the reptiles (that I had adequate space/supplies for) my cousin neglected.

My cousin says I am the jerk because I was watching them as a favor to him and I shouldn’t have gotten my aunt involved but I am the type of person that if someone is doing something wrong, I will call them out.

This issue has our family kind of split, you have me and my brother as well as my mom and dad that are firmly on my side as well as my aunt and grandparents, but most of my cousins are on my cousin’s side saying I shouldn’t have gotten involved.”

Another User Comments:


OP, abusing animals should have consequences as it is beyond wrong. You need to get the rest of the animals he will likely continue to neglect. They weren’t kept in the right conditions so do not expect him to suddenly step up as this global crisis has been going on for over two years now.

Anyone that thinks abusing innocent animals like your cousin did is completely wrong and a jerk. Show them pictures of how they looked when you got them and then show images of healthy reptiles of the same species. Throw as much information as you can at them about how your cousin and they are wrong.

Just do what you can to get the rest of them into your home or a home where they will not be neglected.” Hot_Writer3771

Another User Comments:


People shouldn’t have pets, especially exotics that require much more knowledge and specialized care, when they are not willing to do the research.

If you can’t even meet the bare minimum of care don’t own an animal. Sometimes people impulsively will get reptiles or rodents or fish without doing proper research first, but then learn from their mistakes. Your cousin does not seem like someone that will learn from this based on his response and his denial of his improper care with something as simple as heating and UVB sources.

If you did not get involved these animals would continue to live in neglectful environments. You did the right thing by getting involved to help these animals and even your aunt also has a great understanding of that once she was educated on proper care through your setups.” dissonantchild

Another User Comments:


It doesn’t matter if the pet is a fish, a gecko, a cat, a dog, a horse or whatever. It is a life that needs to be cared for properly. If that’s not possible then they need to go somewhere to get the right care. You didn’t go crazy and tell your cousin that he’s a horrible person and shouldn’t be allowed to have animals. You pointed out what was wrong, why it was wrong and the damage being done.” Nymph-the-scribe

5 points (5 votes)

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Deedee 4 months ago
My husband grew up around snakes and other reptiles, much to my mother in law's disdain LOL. He taught our son how to take care of them when I got him leopard geckos for his birthday when he was 7. He would have definitely called him out and he deserved to be.
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12. AITJ For Telling My Coworker, Who's Overwhelmed By Work, To Just Do Her Job?


“My co-worker Lily was promoted to my position several months ago. Prior to applying for my position, Lily knew that I was very overworked and had no support. I received a raise after it was confirmed that I had more tasks and I asked to be compensated at the market rate.

After Lily’s promotion, she was assigned fewer tasks than my co-worker Zoey and me. Part of Lily’s tasks was to be my support so I would delegate some of my easier tasks during her training period. Lily said she couldn’t do it because it was too difficult and she felt overwhelmed, so I completed the work by myself.

Later on, Lily wanted to talk about salaries in confidentiality. When Lily was promoted she was offered more than me when I first started. But knowing my current salary, Lily was understandably infuriated that we hold the same position but she’s paid less.

Lily asked our boss for a raise, revealing that she knew my salary and wanted to be matched at mine. She got a raise in the end but my boss pulled me aside to inform me that Lily name-dropped me and I cannot discuss salaries.

She suggested that she would fire employees for doing so in the future. I do not live in the U.S. This is legal where I live. I told Lily how I was disciplined because she revealed my salary but Lily didn’t seem to care.

After getting her raise, Lily was given more tasks and is being trained by another co-worker. She’s given similar tasks that I and (now) Zoey do but still less than me. Lily feels overwhelmed by this and often reaches out to me to guide and assist her with her tasks.

I’m trying to be understanding but Lily’s asking me the same questions and asks me to explain simple instructions other co-workers provided her. I feel bad but my boss wants Lily to be able to complete her regular work on her own because I have enough on my plate.

Today, Lily was angry that Zoey forwarded her an email to answer and asked me to explain how to address the email. After I helped her, Lily complained even more that ‘Zoey is passing her work onto Lily when she is already overwhelmed and Zoey should complete it herself.’

At this point, I was very irritated.

I told Lily that since they are Lily’s clients, it’s not Zoey’s responsibility to address them. Zoey regularly forwards us emails that are within our scope of work. I told Lily that she should just do her job like the rest of us instead of complaining about having to complete work that I and Zoey regularly do for our clients.

Lily was angry and hurt by my words and thought I was very out of line. She said I don’t have any empathy for her when she is very overwhelmed with work.

I’m wondering if I’m the jerk because Lily is overwhelmed with her work so I feel bad.”

Another User Comments:

“If she can’t handle the work, then she shouldn’t be demanding to be paid the same as those who can? You are not responsible for doing your job and hers.

She is clearly in over her head, something her boss should know or needs to be told. And your boss threatened to fire you for revealing your salary but kept on someone who is obviously incompetent? By the way, it’s not just the US – most Western countries prohibit an employer from threatening someone with termination because they discussed their salary with another employee and with good reason; keeping everyone’s salaries secret lets employers get away with paying employees unequally for the same work, a practice which is often used to discriminate against woman and visible minorities or anyone else the employer thinks may be vulnerable for one reason or the other.

NTJ but your boss is.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but too nice, bordering on being a doormat, in my opinion.

It’s very nice that you are empathetic to Lily’s work life but that should’ve stopped the minute she betrayed you for salary leverage and didn’t care.

I get the feeling that you’re a ‘helper’ type; you’re gonna have to work hard to sidestep her whinging/complaints about work.

I think you should start taking care of your own work/life balance. You deserve the care and consideration you’ve been showing someone else instead of yourself.

If you work more, you should be paid more and you should not be doing another coworker’s work. It’s simple mathematics. That’s not selfishness or ruthlessness, that’s basic fiscal responsibility and respect.

Bottom line: She wanted your salary = She’s being paid to do your type of workload.

Start getting proof in writing and be smart about protecting yourself or you’ll be taken advantage of.” missmaebea

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You shouldn’t be doing her job. If she wants the same pay as you, she should be doing the same volume of work as you.

Considering her behavior, you might want to just keep her at a serious arm’s length (in a professional way). Be courteous but keep answers to questions short and sweet. I would not go above and beyond or even out of my way for her. She’s already proven she isn’t trustworthy.” User

5 points (5 votes)

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LizzieTX 4 months ago
NTJ, and you need to stop helping the person who's trying to get you fired for not doing her job.
It's not your fault she can't follow simple instructions and needs to be retrained every six minutes on what you've already taught her to do. The next time she comes to you for help, tell her she's had all the training she needs to do her job, and if she has more questions, she needs to go to your mutual boss and ask, as you've taught her everything you have to teach. And then do the hardest thing of all - ignore her. If she persists, smile, rinse, repeat, and then forward every single one of her whinging, whining emails to your boss AND to HR. Enough of this garbage. Document every single conversation she forces on you, and copy everyone you can think of.
I would also go to HR and file a complaint against her for harassment and for fostering a hostile work environment. Better do it quick, because she's angling to get you fired because you won't do her work for her. Beat her to the punch and get HER fired. Believe me it won't be hard, especially if you really double down on the harassment/hostile work environment issues. Both of those are federal employment issues, and can be VERY expensive for a company who ignores an employee's reports of this kind of behaviour. Don't be afraid; the law is on your side. Do this, and if they fire you, it's $$$$$ lawsuit time for you. Good luck!
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11. AITJ For Not Allowing My Lonely Grandmother To Come With Us On Our Vacation?


“My (26F) grandmother (72) has a lot of wonderful qualities, but she and I have never been super close. There are a lot of reasons for this. I know she resents my mom for dropping out of college to marry my dad, so she takes a lot of ‘playful’ jabs at him and I always feel the need to defend him.

It’s put kind of a strain on our relationship. My grandfather died when I was 16 and that changed her quite a bit. That’s to be expected, so I’m not faulting her, but she became very clingy to my whole family.

All that said, I really do love her, but she’s gotten to the point where she has outright told my mom that she doesn’t like it when any of the family does anything without her. My aunt, uncle, and cousin live close to her and invite her to do a lot.

But my parents and my husband and I live nearly 3 hours away from her. It’s not reasonable to invite her to come to the movies with us. But that’s basically what she wants.

Anyway, like I said, she’s been really lonely since my grandfather died.

Her mother (my great-grandmother) lived with her up until she died about 6 months ago. I get it. She’s lonely. But recently, I mentioned to her that my husband and I are planning a trip to Hawai’i in about a year.

She asked if she could come. She and my grandfather went before he died and I know she really loved it. She says she wants to relive that.

My husband is thinking about giving in, but I’m standing firm. We’re really excited about this trip and I want it to be just us.

We’re going to start trying for kids after, so it’s kind of our last adults-only trip. We’ve only been married a little over a year, so he doesn’t have the same strained relationship with her that I do and he wants to keep the peace and let her come.

I also don’t think she can do all the hiking and snorkeling that we’re planning. She’s 72 after all and I think she would just slow us down. AITJ to say no?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – it’s not so much that she would ‘slow you down’ as that she doesn’t have the right to attach herself onto family members so that they can’t do the simplest things without her.

You’re right – she’s lonely. But part of that could be because she likes to take cheap shots at people and call them ‘playful’. She’s making her own bed with that behavior and she may not like how it feels to lie in it.

Nevertheless, a trip like this is going to be a very special one for you and you deserve to get to enjoy it as a couple before the demands of parenthood descend. Enjoy it and aloha!” Dipping_My_Toes

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

I’m sure your grandmother is lovely like you said, but grief is stopping her from thinking clearly. She adored her own husband and is devastated that she lost him. She got to bond with him alone in Hawaii without HER grandmother barging in on the trip.

Tagging along on your trip with you and your husband would be denying you the same opportunity she had to vacation alone with her husband and have that special time getting closer. I would tell her that you want it to be a husband/wife-only trip similar to what she had with your grandfather.

Maybe ask her for marital tips and for advice on what activities to do in Hawaii with your husband to make her feel more included.” ThrowRA_9595

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, it truly baffles me that some adults think it’s appropriate to invite themselves on other adults’ vacations.

I mean there’s just no healthy reality that this would be appropriate.

Your husband’s heart is in the right place but this is a very problematic precedent to be setting particularly with somebody who you don’t have a close, healthy, supportive relationship with. Keep in mind that people get even more clingy once a baby arrives so be mindful of tempering people’s expectations now.” Jovon35

4 points (4 votes)

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LizzieTX 4 months ago
NTJ. Tell granny that if she's that lonely, she might want to look into an assisted living situation, so that she can be around other people her age, have care if she needs it, and still have as much or as little company as she'd like, along with a host of planned activities. She's lived her life with her husband; it's your turn now. Don't let her selfishness jerk you out of it.
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10. AITJ For Refusing To Switch Seats With A Woman Who Has A Disabled Husband?


“I (F24) was on an American Airlines flight last week. I am sitting in 18C (aisle seat) and have already boarded and put my things away. There is another person in the window seat. A woman and her husband/partner, both in their mid-30s from what I could tell, boarding the plane and she is physically helping him down the aisle as he is unable to walk on his own.

I do not know why they did not do preboard with a wheelchair. They stop right next to my seat and she asks me to move so she can help him into his seat. No problem.

After he sits and we are both standing in the aisle holding up the boarding process she asks me to switch seats with her.

Her seat is 24B, a middle seat further back. I say no, she says he needs help getting up if he needs to use the restroom so she needs my seat. It’s a 1.5-hour flight. I still say no, I paid extra for the seat upgrade and sit back down.

She huffs and puffs to her own seat. No issues arose throughout the flight, the man next to me was fine watching movies on his phone. Am I the jerk for not switching seats?”

Another User Comments:

“If you want someone to switch seats with you, you offer them an equivalent or better seat.

Maybe sometimes you’ll come across someone very generous who will trade down, but it’s very entitled and a jerk move to expect someone to trade down to accommodate you.

If they booked two middles, yeah, that’s a bad situation and I feel for her, but that still doesn’t entitle her to anyone else’s seat.

If she had a middle and he had an aisle, why couldn’t she have switched with the middle in his row (middle for middle is a fair trade), or why couldn’t he have switched with the aisle in her row (aisle for aisle is a fair trade)?

Regardless, you’re not the jerk.” peony_chalk

Another User Comments:

“Look I’m normally on the side of the person not moving.

If you’ve preplanned and booked the seat you want in advance then you should be able to sit in it. However. I really think in this case you could have just helped them out. It was only 1.5 hours, you don’t mention any particular need you have for the aisle eg long legs (although I get that the aisle is infinitely more comfortable than a middle seat, but again.

1.5 hours…). The guy couldn’t walk on his own and might have needed help. There could be any number of reasons why they weren’t able to book in time. Yes we all have rights etc but a bit of human decency goes a long way sometimes.

A very soft you’re the jerk.” blueboatsky

Another User Comments:

“If I understand the situation correctly, the couple both had middle seats and the lady wanted OP to give up her aisle seat in exchange for a middle seat farther back.

You’re not the jerk, assuming this was merely a case of poor planning by the couple or being cheap and not paying the extra cost for the aisle seat to sit together.

In the unlikely but possibly rare case that the airline was at fault for moving the couple’s seat, they should have had the airline fix it rather than making it OP’s problem or at the very least, offered OP something to give up a better seat that she paid extra for.” theNaughtydog

3 points (3 votes)

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CG1 4 months ago
Absolutely Not ,it was up to the woman to Specifically order tickets that they could sit side by side ..
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9. AITJ For Kissing My Significant Other Inside The Church?


“I grew up in a religious, but loving family. It took some time, but they accepted my atheism and later accepted the fact that I’m gay and welcomed my long-term partner into the family.

We maintained a loving and respectful relationship, which is why I always go to services when I visit them.

My significant other comes along when we visit together, even though he’s also an atheist.

Last week we were staying with them for my mom’s birthday and everything was great. We went to a service on Sunday morning. Just after we left, my SO’s sister, who was watching his/our dog, texted us that she was rushing him to the vet, fearing he ate something.

He threw up and was acting strange.

We awaited an update during the service and my SO was very nervous. Finally, he got a text from his sister, who said his dog is okay and might just have a stomach problem. They were gonna run some tests, but he was acting okay again.

We were very relieved. We half-hugged and I just gave him a kiss, happy to see him relax. I didn’t think about it, and it was a very short, quiet kiss.

Not even a minute later, a woman who was sitting behind us leaned over and told us to leave if we were going to act like that.

We looked at her, I quickly explained it was just an instinct and that we got some news, but she didn’t even let me finish the sentence. So I signaled my SO to turn away and ignore her. She insisted that we leave again, this time louder and backed by her companions.

I politely asked her to leave us alone. She didn’t and soon my family started looking over and interfering.

As soon as the service was over, I and my SO went outside. We were caught up by the woman, who said she will file a formal complaint to ban us from the church.

My mom played the voice of reason as I started to get more and more irritated. In the end, we just told the lady to deal with her issues and left.

Some of my family were angry at me, or us, and my mom told me I should’ve just left instead of disturbing the service.

I argued that the woman was the one who disturbed it and that we didn’t make out, it just happened in a moment which I tried to explain.

When we left for home there were still some negative emotions in the air and I’m beating myself up about it.


Another User Comments:


As a Christian, it’s pretty infuriating that somebody thought it appropriate to treat you that way. As to your behavior in church, it was entirely appropriate. You were respectful of the service. You didn’t make loud noises. It’s not against the rules of the church to check your phone real quick in an emergency.

Further, the fact that you are even there as an Atheist shows me that you care deeply about your family. You’re willing to sit through a sermon for something you do not believe in.

The church is supposed to be a place where all people can congregate.

Jesus Christ dined with criminals and other sinners, you’re a very respectful gay atheist, that’s not a crime, you didn’t do anything wrong.” User

Another User Comments:

“Definitely NTJ

First off, like most religious people, this woman is a judgmental homophobe, which, in my opinion, by default makes her a hateful and bad person.

Regarding this situation, it would have been one thing if the priest/pastor/whatever who runs the church were to ask you to leave, but this woman isn’t in charge and she isn’t the church police, she doesn’t have any right or authority to kick you out.

And you’re right, she is the one that caused the disturbance.

This is why religious people are the worst… they claim to be all about love and caring and forgiveness when in reality most of them are judgmental bigots and hypocrites who hate anyone who doesn’t follow their stupid nonsense dogma and try to force their values on other people.” Tdluxon

Another User Comments:


I’m disappointed to hear that your mother who initially acted as the voice of reason with the woman has now changed her tune. The one place on earth where people should not be judged and excluded is the church, and any church, as an institution, professing to follow God’s commandments or Christ’s teachings that says otherwise should cease to be a ‘church’ and instead become an exclusive club that charges membership fees and says not a word about God or Christ.

Any church-goer wanting to judge and ostracize someone from church, should leave, walk through the desert for 40 days, contemplating how Christ would have reacted sitting behind two people in the church showing their love and support of one another.” anitarielleliphe

3 points (3 votes)

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LizzieTX 4 months ago
NTJ, and that woman calling herself a Christian is the one who should be banned from the church. Who died and left her in charge? It's not like you were tongue kissing in relief over your SO's dog; it was a quick hug and a peck, perfectly acceptable anywhere on the planet. Religious tw@t needs to get over herself, and so do your parents. IF attending church is only a courtesy to them whenever you visit, I would be informing them that, rather than embarrass them further, you will not only no longer be attending church service, but you won't risk embarrassing them with your presence at all, until such time as they start acting like the Christians they profess to be. Gods, but I detest a hypocrite.
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8. AITJ For Leaving The Gym Unattended?


“I (f 30) work in a gym, I have been working in this location for a couple of months and the experience has been as good as an underpaid pseudo-corporate job can be.

Recently the FIFA Cup started and to be clear I am not watching it due to a conflict of morals (I don’t expect anyone to side with me, I am not interested in changing anyone’s mind) but mostly all my coworkers do watch it and enjoy it.

Recently I have become an issue where everyone leaves the gym for the duration of the game while I stay working by myself, basically covering everyone’s positions in the meantime and trying to call them back when it’s something urgent.

I don’t have a problem with people watching the game while at work, my problem is it’s being left alone for long periods of time while everyone is enjoying themselves; it’s important to take into consideration that we get paid hourly so I get paid the same amount of hours like the people that are going out of the gym to watch the game in a coffee shop nearby.

I don’t think it’s fair because all of a sudden everyone’s responsibility lies on me; including my manager and I cannot take a longer break or anything.

To be clear no one ever asked me if this arrangement was ok with me or if I was given the heads up.

It was just something that occurred one day and now mostly every day it’s happening.

Yes, the World Cup it’s only every four years, but honestly, I am not getting paid more for the extra work, and no one it’s getting paid less for the non-working hours.

So, would I be the jerk if when everyone leaves to watch the game I got to sit in one of the offices and leave the gym unattended like everyone else?”

Another User Comments:

“YWBTJ, if you left the gym unattended. Don’t be a jerk just because the others are jerks.

Yes, the others are jerks. They are taking advantage of you. Go to HR. Tell them that you have had to fill multiple positions, and when. Tell them you can only do so much at one time, so some members (customers) will not be getting the service they deserve.

You might even call HR at the times you are stretched too thin, telling HR that you can’t find staff members to help and you have multiple customers asking for assistance.” Sea-Confection-2627

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but here’s the thing. You need to make a formal complaint.

You can even plead ignorance that you don’t know where they are going, just that there are these huge periods of time when you are left alone. Honestly, if I were you I would stay at the front desk but don’t exert any more effort.

Let things fall apart. Let the line pile up. Make it known that all of your co-workers have disappeared and it’s just you on your own and you’re doing your best, but don’t go the extra mile to problem solve when you’re left alone.” MMorrighan

Another User Comments:

“YWBTJ, to leave the gym unattended if you don’t first speak with your boss.

You have a responsibility. Yes you are absolutely being taken advantage of, no doubt. But if your morals are so strong you won’t watch the world cup, then shouldn’t your morals keep you from not doing your job? Speak with your boss, tell your boss that you feel you should not be left to hold down the fort alone.

Have a plan as to what would make it acceptable to you, and present that to your boss. The worst thing that will happen is you get fired. The best-case scenario is that you set boundaries with coworkers that work for everyone. Also, setting boundaries is a very freeing experience.” NoDaisy

2 points (2 votes)

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jojow 4 months ago
NTJ but before you abandon your job like the rest of the crew call admin or HR or even corporate if there is no local office and request permission to lock up as you feel sick. Plus if you are the only one there your job is to man the check in desk for customers. Do not leave the desk . Do not do everyone else's job.
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7. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner And I To Go To The Same Gym?


“My partner (29 F) and I (33 M) just moved to NYC. We’re coming from Colorado where we first began cohabitating together and now carrying that on in The Big Apple. We have a little less space now but I don’t think that bothers either of us too much.

Even despite this move, my partner and I have always been open and transparent when it comes to having our own individual lives away from each other. We love each other very much but we understand that having a healthy relationship can often act as a byproduct of having a healthy individual state of mind.

While we prioritize spending time together, we also hold doing things individually with high importance.

So now that we’re in NYC, we both needed gym memberships. In our search, I found a gym that I felt confidently would meet all my needs.

I was pretty sure it was the perfect fit. She was simultaneously doing her own search but for whatever reason didn’t come across the gym that I had found and was generally underwhelmed with what she had found. She wasn’t that excited about any of them.

She wanted me to tell her about the one that I had found so she could consider joining herself. So I told her the name, and she looked it up and was very interested. It checked all her boxes as well.

I told her that I’d prefer to keep the gym as separate activities — a space we could each have for ourselves. Or in other words — don’t join the same gym I’m joining. I felt particularly strongly about this considering we’re living in a small apartment now and I was clinging to the idea of a gym as my own personal getaway whenever needed.

At first, her reaction was only slightly negative. I explained why I felt this way and ultimately, she said she understood. I’ve since joined that gym and have been going regularly. But whenever I come home and she asks me, ‘How was it?’, I tell her ‘Great’ and then I just feel a massive amount of guilt because I know she’d like to be a member as well.


Another User Comments:


You clearly stated that she was underwhelmed with what she found and she didn’t feel excited about any of them. You’re meant to be in a loving relationship and always want the best for your partner, especially wanting them to be happy.

Let her use the same gym, just say you would rather go at different times so that you can both do your own workout routines and get the alone time that every couple needs.” EducatorForsaken5923

Another User Comments:


Having space from each other is always important but if this is the only good gym in the area then she doesn’t really have another choice.

You guys don’t have to go to the gym together and even if you both happen to go at the same time you can still work out without each other. Honestly, this seems like a non-issue and I’m confused as to why she couldn’t join and just aim to go at a different time.

It’s like saying ‘I like grocery shopping alone therefore you can’t shop at Tesco at all because I like shopping there’ I know that analogy is a weird one but I’m hoping it will make more sense as to why this is an easy compromise to make.” Elizabeth_diamond_

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – It would be different if there were multiple gyms in the area that met both of your needs, but it seems like this is the best option for both of you.

This was the only one she was excited about and you told her not to join. Just because you go to the same gym doesn’t mean you have to go at the same time. Or if you go at the same time you don’t have to actually hang out together there.

You having a space to ‘get away’ makes sense (I guess), just find something that doesn’t mean barring your partner from somewhere she wants and has a legitimate reason to be. You could also just learn to communicate to each other when you each need space or need alone time.” Forward_Squirrel8879

2 points (2 votes)

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LizzieTX 4 months ago
You're a massive jerk.
There's needing alone time, and there's SHARING. If you know she's not getting what she wants from "her" gym, why on earth can't you share "yours" and y'all just go at different times? What's the matter with you?
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6. AITJ For Not Sharing My Notes With My Sick Classmate?


“I (16 F) and my classmate (16 F), let’s call her Jen, do not get along in the slightest. Sometimes she’s nice and I’m nice and everything is civil, but then there are times when I despise her within an inch of my existence.

I’m only going to list three reasons that go as follows: She told my best friend to go back to their country. They’re Syrian; She keeps making these awful comments about how men are all stupid and should be kept in zoos etc.

She makes them LITERALLY. I have two brothers and I’m immensely uncomfortable with her going on about this with me when we aren’t even friends; When we had a group project and we entrusted her with making the PowerPoint and sent her all our parts.

Cut to the night before the presentation she tells us she’s going out of town and after hours of begging sends us an incomplete PowerPoint after 12 am. We had to edit it at lightning speed during break and even then her part had so many errors.

Add that with several instances of just plain awful and we have a recipe for a person that I don’t like all that well.

Now to the instance that I might be a jerk.

Jen has been absent almost every week for several days a week, and I can count on one hand the number of days she attends in a month, so on the day before our English Final she texts me out of nowhere going.

‘Hey OP, can you send me your notes and highlights?’

Now on a normal day, I would have sucked it up and given her the notes because I’m not the confrontational type but pair this with the fact that my little brother as much as I adore him had been knocking on my study room door throwing tantrum after tantrum, my dad wasn’t home from work yet, and my English Teacher had been giving me passive aggressive comments all day…

I snapped.

‘Jen, we’re all busy, and I’m really stressed, maybe if you were actually in school half the time, you wouldn’t need to ask me for my notes.’

She snapped right back, telling me she wasn’t in school because she had a serious lung disease and had to have several doctor appointments, and she didn’t flaunt her illness around.

I didn’t know any of this until then, and I apologized, saying maybe if she came the next day I could help her.

She told me to forget it and asked me not to tell our other classmates. I told her I wouldn’t.

She’s not the easiest person to get along with, but maybe I crossed a line.

AITJ for not giving her my notes and snapping at her?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – with the information you had, you responded appropriately (or maybe came across as slightly rude but I can understand why that was).

On top of that, you even offered to help her and make amends after you realized that you may have upset her. If she is upset and doesn’t want your help, then leave her be. If she’s missed school that much, then it’s likely that the school will provide extra help anyway.

Don’t rack yourself up too much – you must be stressed too with exams coming up. You didn’t do anything wrong OP, just focus on your exams for now. Good luck! (Also, are you doing General Certificate of Secondary Education mocks right now?)” Shinythemoon

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here

This issue just seems like typical drama.

We can’t all get along with each other in life so these instances happen a lot. Maybe with ‘Jen’ she saw you as more of a friend than you saw her, which is maybe why she kept asking for your help with notes etc.

I don’t think you need to feel guilty because of the situation, just if you see her in the future maybe give her a friendly smile and everybody can move on.” EducatorForsaken5923

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – In the normal run of things, finals are at a pretty predictable if not formally scheduled time that everyone knows about.

You said this has been going on for at least a month. There is plenty of time in that month to reach out ‘Hey, I missed some days this week, could you send me the notes when you have time…’ instead of imposing an emergency ‘I need this Now, Tonight’ on another person.

Regardless of her health issue, she planned extremely badly and it’s reasonable to be annoyed to be asked the night before the test. Particularly if they’re asking for more than one days worth of notes. Depending on how you take notes that could be as simple as sending a file you already have or a ton of time taking pictures/scanning weeks’ worth of paper.” TimeandEntropy

2 points (2 votes)

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rusty 4 months ago
Just to sound like a cynic here: What proof do you have that she actually has a "lung ailment" other than her word for it? If she truly had an illness that prevented her from going to school, but didn't want it broadcast all over school, she could have gone to the teacher, asked that the teacher kept her illness private, and then asked for extra help or an accommodation and presented a doctor's note or other documentation for support. But no, she had to try and pressure someone into giving her notes and use an "illness" as leverage. I would have said no in a heartbeat. NTJ. Going forward, if she tries the "illness" angle to get around the teachers for whatever reason, I would say, "Prove it."
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5. AITJ For Wanting To Leave My Teeth The Way They Are?


“When I (23 f) was in elementary school the dentist told me and my mother I needed braces. It wasn’t cosmetic but because I would’ve had trouble chewing and my adult teeth all fitting in my mouth. I was too young to really get it, and my front teeth were always pretty straight.

The issue is my molars were all kind of messed up. The quote was high – our insurance would cover half and my mom had to foot the rest of the bill.

I grew up quite poor and braces were kind of a big deal.

My mom made me promise (again at like 10 years old) that I would ALWAYS take care of my teeth if she agreed to get them fixed.

I got them off a couple of years later and they put two permanent retainers in and gave me a nightly retainer similar to the Invisalign – clear and plastic that goes over your teeth.

I asked for the metal one instead but I don’t know if the orthodontist or my mom decided that the other would be better. I hated it – I mean no matter how well you clean them they are made from clear plastic.

I was really bad at keeping up with wearing it, did my best through middle school and high school but absolutely gave up on it by college.

Plus in my senior year, the top permanent retainer broke and they just took it off.

My front teeth shifted VERY little – really I cannot tell at all, they just sort of made themselves more comfortable. LOL.

But now my mom points it out often and is upset with me. She says she paid a good amount for those braces because I agreed to take care of my teeth.

I just feel it’s unreasonable to extract a promise like this from a 10-year-old and then be angry at me over a decade later because my teeth aren’t perfect. Also, the molars were the issue and they are totally fine, my dentist has said nothing.

My mom wants me to get Invisalign and fix them but I outright refused. She hasn’t brought it up since Thanksgiving when I was obviously annoyed by the conversation, but I can tell she still thinks I’m being irresponsible.

AITJ for leaving my teeth the way they are even though she paid to have them straightened?”

Another User Comments:


Your mom paid a lot for the braces, but she didn’t have to clean the braces and retainers or remember to put in the night retainer.

Ask your dentist flat-out if the permanent retainer should be replaced or if you should get Invisalign-type braces. You could ask for a referral to an orthodontist on this, and you could get a second opinion from another dentist.

Once you’ve covered all the bases, present the information to your mom.

Tell her you love her and are very thankful she paid for those braces. Then tell her you will be following the advice of your dental-care professionals.” Sea-Confection-2627

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here because I don’t think you’re thinking about your long-term health.

You’re an adult and you can do what you want with your body, but you will have to deal with your mom’s nagging and being upset at you for breaking your promise you made at 10. It was thousands of dollars for an easily reversed procedure with an easy, non-life-altering solution to preventing its reversal.

It would have been cruel to not fix your teeth, so it’s kinda horrible to hold that over you, but you should be doing the upkeep since it was a medical necessity not cosmetic in your case. There’s never the guarantee your teeth won’t shift more and cause you problems as you age so it’s best to do your preventative care.

If I were you I’d go to the orthodontist and get the kind of retainer you wanted. It’s cheaper than Invisalign or braces and will prevent them from moving further.” Legal_Sprinkles_4695

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, your body your choice.

Braces are stupidly expensive and your Mom’s investment in your health clearly took a toll on your opportunities.

Expressing gratitude to her for it but now you are working directly with your own dentist is the only viable path to putting this discussion to bed (and, honestly, you should bring it up with your dentist just to make sure).” Encartrus

1 points (1 votes)

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LizzieTX 4 months ago
NTJ, and your mom is a huge one.
Someone needs to enlighten your genius parent that once one has braces, the tooth roots are interrupted and your teeth will shift, no matter how well you clean your retainer(s). Also, retainers aren't supposed to be worn the rest of your natural life; just long enough for the teeth to "settle" after the braces are removed. EVERYONE'S teeth shift, even your genius mother's. Tell her that, the next time she starts b!tching.
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4. AITJ For Inviting My Son's Cousins To His Birthday Party?


“My (28 F) husband (27 M) and I got married 3 years ago. I’ve always wanted children. Sadly, carrying a pregnancy would be a huge risk to me because of a medical condition I have. That’s why we had to go for other options and decided on surrogacy.

My husband’s sister (28 F) already had 3 sons (10M, 8M, 3M) and agreed to be our surrogate for a very fair monetary compensation. Unfortunately, due to complications, she ended up passing away on the same day our beautiful boy was born.

Next week is his birthday and of course, I invited his cousins and their father. Note that I didn’t force them to accept the invite in any way. I didn’t get a reply, instead the father called my husband and was furious.

That made my husband mad at me. Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to invite them. Which he never mentioned by the way. We already had a fight about celebrating our son’s birthday on his actual birthday (my husband wanted to pick another date but I’m not about to let my son feel guilty for something that wasn’t anyone’s fault).

Besides, I feel like it would’ve been worse if I HADN’T invited them. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:


This was in very poor taste. Your brother-in-law deserved thoughtful acknowledgment that a difficult day was coming up, and checking in on him and his children.

Your 1-year-old won’t even know it’s his birthday. You absolutely could and should celebrate it publicly on a different day on the year anniversary of your SISTER-IN-LAW’s death. What you and your husband do in private on the day is your own business, but your husband and his family suffered a major loss.

It takes a lot to throw a party on the first anniversary.” einsteinGO

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – for calling her ‘our surrogate’ in the judgment bot. She was your husband’s sister, your sister-in-law, your brother-in-law’s wife, and your niblings’ mother! She might have also been your surrogate but to reduce her to that is to trivialize these very important relationships.

I think you have also done that in your head, which is why you have not considered their grief in your birthday plans.

I agree your son should not grow up feeling guilty about his aunt’s death but that comes later when he’s older and can comprehend what a birthday is.

If I am feeling more generous, I’m speculating that your position here is hard, as you have been given the most precious gift in tragic circumstances. If you hadn’t asked her to be a surrogate she most likely would still be alive – this could make someone feel very guilty.

The way you come across sounds as though you have blocked this out as a defense mechanism, which I think is understandable. Just don’t block out these feelings to the extent that you aren’t making space for others’ feelings too.” ForsythiaBee

Another User Comments:


You need to realize that everyone else in the family sees your child and sees that your SIL DIED bringing him into the world.

While your child is a blessing to you, to your BIL, he represents the loss of his wife – his partner. To your nephews, he represents the loss of their mother. To your in-laws, he represents the loss of their daughter and the gain of their new grandson.

To your husband, he is both a blessing and a curse as he is his son and the loss of his sister.

Your husband wanting to celebrate on a different day makes a LOT of sense. The fact that you refused to do so DOES make you a jerk…

because your child is ONE YEAR OLD. He won’t care when you celebrate, he won’t know the difference. Everyone else, though, they are grieving while celebrating the new child.

Pick a different day to celebrate your son’s birthday. Plan to use a different day EVERY YEAR. Because the rest of the family will always grieve for the loss of your SIL while they see your son, especially on his birthday.” Algebralovr

1 points (3 votes)

3. AITJ For Not Ordering Pizza For My Partner?


“My partner gets off of work a few hours before I do and she typically cooks for me which I genuinely appreciate. Today she was feeling lazy and didn’t really have any ideas for dinner (no big deal) so I told her I had been craving pizza and wouldn’t mind ordering that for dinner and she agreed.

I told her that I would order it before I left for work so by the time I got home it would be there.

She texts me back and said that’s fine, but to please order a cheese pizza. I asked her why and she said she didn’t really enjoy the topping I usually get which are super normal things like pepperoni, or bacon (mind you this is the FIRST time I’m hearing this, she has eaten pizza with those toppings before) so I’m like okay is there like ANY toppings you would like to eat on you’re pizza as opposed to just having it plain because at that point it’s just not really doing anything for me or filling that craving I had for some pizza.

She said no that she just wanted plain pizza. I told her well if I’m buying it I’m going to get what I want on it and suggested that she could pick off the toppings if it bothered her that much or that we could do a sort of half-and-half deal where half was cheese.

Then she said that she could still usually tell or taste residual flavors or oil from the toppings when she did that and didn’t even want to do that, and said we could just order an entire other pie for her… neither of us is going to eat an entire pie so that just seemed frivolous to me so I said let’s just forget the pizza idea and scrap it as a whole.

Then she started telling me that I was being a jerk and really inconsiderate and I told her I sort of thought that she was being selfish a little bit and now she’s very upset with me and isn’t speaking to me… AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Jeez, you’re selfish and greedy.

It isn’t enough for you that she cooks for you almost every day. She just wanted one meal with what she wanted; she could have ordered a separate pizza and saved the leftovers. But no, you insisted that it had to be your way.

I hope she stops cooking for you because you’re so selfish. You ruined the whole meal and wouldn’t even let her have any pizza. Shame on you. YTJ” ComprehensiveBand586

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – she normally cooks for you, which you appreciate, but don’t mention reciprocating, and when you ask her what she wants, you complain because it isn’t what you want.

Even though for a long time she has been eating the pizza without complaining. You seem to think that this means her request is unreasonable and not worth respecting (and partly because she disagrees with you you don’t respect it of course) but think back, did you ever actually ask her what she wanted before?

You are a jerk because if you are ordering for two then you take both people into account.

Seeing as how you have been ordering for yourself the whole time, then for once you can actually order what she wants.” tomtomclubthumb

Another User Comments:


Why did you do this thing? It makes no sense. Your explanation makes no sense. You just wanted to make her unhappy and you’re trying to pretend there’s some rationale for that, but there isn’t.

You were just being unpleasant and controlling, and there’s no excuse for it. You’re not evil, but you do gotta figure out why the idea of your partner being happy and contented is such a no-go for you. Why do you feel the need to keep her in her place?

You better figure it out quick, too, or she’s gonna leave you for somebody who doesn’t mind making her happy.” catsdelicacy

1 points (5 votes)

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Deedee 4 months ago
I've done half and half with my brother because he wanted anchovies and I couldn't taste them on my half at all. Next time just get 2 small or medium pizzas instead of fighting
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2. AITJ For Refusing To Give Money To A Homeless Mat At The Train Station?


“I (F 23) catch the train to work every day, and it is pretty normal to see some people sleeping rough in the train stations. If I have a spare couple of dollars, I will generally offer to buy someone a cup of coffee or a hot pie from the convenience shop at the train station.

Especially around the month of December, I really try and help people out as I am sure that their bit in life is not easy.

While I do not do this every day, it is a pretty normal thing for me and I have gotten to semi-know the people sleeping rough in the train station where I get on on the way to work.

Today, though, I saw a man (30s-40s) I had never seen before sitting with one of the ladies I have seen quite often, but he came and stood on the platform while everyone on their daily commute was waiting for the train to arrive.

He began asking for change, and I wasn’t paying too much attention, but I don’t think many (if any) people gave him anything. By the time he got to me, he asked for change and I shook my head no. I didn’t have any funds and a cup of coffee wasn’t in my budget today as I have some big bills coming up this month.

The man proceeded to rip my headphones out of my ears and tell me that I was an elitist not-nice-person, and that his friend had told him I would give him some change but that I probably only gave change to women.

He said that people like me were the reason he couldn’t get back on his feet and that I probably stole food out of the mouths of male children.

My eyes were like saucers the entire time – I was in such shock.

It was at this point that another commuter (M 30s-40s) stepped in basically told the homeless man to leave me alone and that he wasn’t entitled to anyone’s change. The homeless man left, but not before throwing his bottle of water at me (thankfully I was not hit or wet in any way).

I thanked the other commuter, but have not been able to get the homeless man’s words out of my mind. I try and be generous when I can, and I feel like I could have probably spared him a couple of dollars.

I spoke to a colleague (F 29) about it, and she said that we never know people’s stories and should be as compassionate as possible. She said that we don’t know what kind of night he had, and a little bit of kindness always goes a long way.

I felt worse after speaking to her, and now I wonder if I did behave terribly toward that man. Was I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s pretty clear who was acting like a jerk that day. His behavior is inexcusable. I know many homeless folks, they would not behave this way nor condone this behavior among themselves.

Should one give to homeless people generally? I say yes. We live in a world in which people need money to live. It’s quite expensive to be homeless. You cant take advantage of grocery sales if you have to carry everything you buy.

You have to buy mostly cooked/processed foods since you don’t have a stove or fridge. And if I had to live under a bridge in the cold and rain with cops waking me up in the night telling me to leave and being banned from stores because they think you are the guy that stole from them last week, I’d probably drink every day, and so would you.

Bless you for what you have given, and don’t let this bad encounter put you off from helping your fellow humans in the future.” grckalck

Another User Comments:


People need to sometimes learn or relearn this, myself included. If you want people to help you, do not be entitled, do not aggravate them.

If that man had wanted something, he should have asked instead of immediately assuming you were an elitist jerk. Had he calmly asked for change, and asked if it was true you bought coffee/pie for people, you could have calmly explained that you couldn’t today, but that you may be able to help some other time.

The man needs to accept this and bid you farewell. When people are calm and don’t let small matters out of their control bother them, they can typically end up gaining more from others. Had he remained calm, it is likely OP would have noticed this and come back to help as soon as available.” Doofenturd

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but your friend is also right.

As scary as that is, society as we know it mistreats these people to their worst. It’s not your responsibility that capitalism is this way, but it is the reality. Sure, he could’ve behaved better, but that’s easy to say from the comfort and privilege of a bed.

You didn’t do anything wrong, and he shouldn’t have treated you that way, so don’t beat yourself up. But I also agree with your friend that you should not judge him too harshly. You can both have sympathy for what drove him to this point and the self-respect to know it wasn’t an okay way to treat you.

I think the fact that being pointed out that these people have it hard made you feel guilty is a fundamentally flawed aspect of your psyche and how you’re processing this. A more nuanced perspective is needed for tragedies like this.” uncoolmathgames

1 points (1 votes)

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Turtlelarke 4 months ago
You're NTJ. Every Friday on payday I'd go and get Smoothie King curbside and always had jerk on me for thr tip. I'd take what's left of the jerk $2-4 and give it to someone holding a sign at the light before going home. There would occasionally be regulars that I got to know on a first name basis. One day there was a different dude saying "hungry. Need money. Nothing under 5$ " well, I never had a full 5 on me after using it towards my tip. Then one of the regulars shows up on the other side of me. His sign always said "please help any thing is welcome" sometimes instead of just giving him jerk I'd buy some water and an extra smoothie for him. If I gave him a smoothie he'd refuse the change or hand it over to someone else. So of course I motioned for the one I knew to give him some change. The other dude started making his way to me too. I gave my pal the change and rolled up my window and this jerk walks up and knocks on my window. I Crack it and he's got his hand out. I say "sorry dude I gave all I had to.." and pointed at my pal. He gets angry about how he's here first and I shrug "wouldn't have helped I never have over a 5$ bill". He then "spit" at me. A big ol gob (which is something that sneezes me out). The light turned red thank God and he had to move.
What this guy did to you...he touched you.. he grabbed your headphones! That's not okay Give when you can. That's all you can do. And you get to choose who you give it to. If your feeling nice and he's the only one there do it. If not. Not. Yes we should help the less fortunate and we don't know their stories but we can't give all our money away. NTJ!
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1. ATJ For Forcing My Uncle To Leave His Work So I Can Enter His House?


“My (30F) dad’s brother resides in a house that is legally owned by my parents. He pays well below market rate for this and one of the conditions for this was that he ensures we have 24/7 access to the outhouse in the garden which is used by my parents for storage.

It should be straightforward to access as there is an alleyway that goes from the street to the backyard and you can enter the garden through a locked door.

My parents are out of town but needed some documents as soon as possible so they asked me to go get them.

I messaged my uncle just to let him know I would be dropping by but he left the text on read.

When I got to the alley door I couldn’t open it because it was blocked by something in the garden. I returned to the front of the house and tried the bell but nobody was answering.

My parents called multiple times to see if I had the documents yet. I called my uncle and told him I needed access to the garden. He said he was doing his UBER round and would be home late. I told him he had better get home now or I would tell my dad.

He came and let me into the house but was in a sour mood, and he must have told my family members because the two aunts he is close to are calling and texting me to tell me off for being an upstart.”

Another User Comments:


I understand your parents needed them, but you don’t control your uncle. So what if he’s renting a place from your parents ‘under the market’? He’s a Tenant. YOUR parents made the decision to let him live there. you do not own the home.

HE PAYS to live there. Not get yelled at by some overgrown spoiled child.

How would you feel if you rented a home and the landlord’s child blew up your phone demanding entry to a portion they don’t have access to?

If I was him, I would have messaged you to ask politely.

And I’ll do it. (Since it was only Uber) but if I was at work, I’d make you come to me. If you asked politely again.” Emotional_Figure1575

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your parents needed these documents as soon as possible and you should have been able to get through the door without your uncle’s help.

Your uncle is the one who blocked the door, requiring you to need his help.

That said, your parents are definitely idiots for keeping any kind of documents in an OUTHOUSE. Outhouses are for pooping, not document storage. If these are important documents, they should be in your house, not somewhere that rain, mold, and squirrels have free access to.

But that’s on your parents, not you.” Dry-Spring5230

Another User Comments:


He didn’t intentionally block anything, and demanding he comes home from his job and misses out on his livelihood to help solve a problem that isn’t his is wildly selfish. You then threatening to tattle on him is just the icing on the cake.

Maybe your parents should’ve given you keys to the place in case of something like this. Or better yet, since these documents were apparently this important, keep them in a more accessible place than someone else’s garage.” carbinePRO

Another User Comments:

“Everyone is at fault here.

This seems like a case of you technically being right but still doing something inappropriate. The stipulation is that your parents have access to the storage 24/7, so your uncle should have ensured that nothing was blocking the back gate. But making him leave work, miss out on income, and then threatening to tattle on him to your dad because your parents had an emergency is something he can rightly be upset by.” User

-2 points (4 votes)

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rusty 4 months ago
To Dry-Spring5230: An "outhouse" is defined as any building that is not part of the main structure (house) on any given property, and yes, they can be used for storage. These "outhouses" can include the storage shed in your back yard. Get your mind out of the gutter! That being said, this really is kind of an "everyone sucks here" kind of situation, because even though OP needed the documents quickly, the uncle was on a job working. How would have OP felt at having been called and having someone DEMAND that they drop what they are doing IMMEDIATELY, just to come open a storage shed? I do think he would have been kind of salty about it. And who keeps important documents in a storage shed anyway?
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