People Attempt To Explain Their Side In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Getting Annoyed At My Husband For Being In A Bad Mood?
“My husband started a new job a little less than 6 months ago. Since he took the job, he has been stressed, anxious, and grumpy most days of the week. He frequently thinks and expresses concern that he isn’t doing a good enough job or that he will be in trouble with work, despite his bosses, coworkers, people in other departments, etc. telling him that he is doing great and giving him positive feedback.
He works from 7:30-4 and comes home grumpy and complains a lot about work. I try to calm him down or reassure him that he is doing fine but he just gets defensive and refuses to listen or try my suggestions. I told him I was concerned he may have a deeper issue like clinical anxiety (which I have but I am medicated and seek therapy for) but he got defensive and denied it.
I also started asking if he even wants help or just wants to vent but if he does that it just never stops and he complains all night.
The longer he works there the worse it seems to get. He has a work phone that is used in case work needs to contact him and some people work remotely. He constantly has his phone with him no matter where we are or what we are doing.
He checks it constantly and will stop mid-conversation if he gets an email. I have expressed all these concerns to him and he just gets mad and says I am just invalidating his feelings. I have also told him I don’t like it when he stops mid-conversation to just read an email or how he can’t leave his work phone for five minutes. It just takes a toll on me and probably the kids when he is literally only in a good mood one day a week.
I would say maybe his job is the issue but it’s always been like this no matter where he works. He constantly talks about how he doesn’t live for work and wants a good work-life balance but then seemingly does everything he can to make sure he feels like his job doesn’t allow him a good work-life balance. He also has a boss who is kind of rude and doesn’t really ever provide positive feedback and lately, this has been getting to him.
He takes with other people about this and they told him that is the way that boss is and that the boss has been nicer to my husband than he is to the majority of others working there.
Despite that, he takes it to heart and comes home stressed, anxious, and thinking he is doing badly at his job. I try to comfort him but I’m getting really irritated and have started getting snippy with him about it.
Am I in the wrong for getting fed up? I want to help but he just won’t let me or anyone else for that matter. It’s really affecting my relationship with him and I just want to help improve things all around.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and I think you’re likely right about him having deeper issues. Good luck. I hope he seeks treatment. One thing I have learned through my mental health journey is that men often respond angrily and aggressively when they’re depressed.
I never thought I was depressed because I wasn’t sad. I’m just an armchair psychologist but his behaviors sound a lot like where I was.” Portie_lover
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, getting help for his anxiety was a good suggestion, but coming from a job that gives you a cell phone and is expected to be contactable. I can’t just leave it sometimes. If there are places I go where I will be out of cell service or with my phone off I have to let them know and another department tries to help if they can so it’s not a regular thing.” TheDoNothings
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can’t live like this. You need to have a serious conversation with your husband on a non-work day where you explain the toll his work seems to be having on your marriage. Maybe counseling would be a good idea, starting with marriage counseling (who will probably recommend an individual for your husband). It sounds like his work is consuming your whole lives.” Aylauria
20. AITJ For Being An Angsty Teen?
“I went away for college. Not far, only about 3 hours from home. Almost a full ride for soccer. Let’s just say, I hated it. I had no friends. The school was a church school so my roommates were crazy religious and the coach turned out to be a bit crazy. I cried every night and told my dad I hated it. He told me to just stick it out since I would owe almost nothing at this college.
My mom would drive every other weekend to bring me home for the weekend since I just didn’t want to be there.
Finally. I decided to quit. I mentioned it to my dad and he proceeded to, what I feel like, guilt trip me and tell me how I was wasting all the moolah he spent for me to do soccer and get me to where I was today.
So I told him I would think about it. Idk maybe he was right and I am the jerk but the next day I quit without telling him since he always had a way of convincing me not to do what I wanted. That’s when our relationship went down the drain.
He turned off my phone. Wouldn’t send me funds for food. Told me if I wanted that stuff to get a job, which was fair.
But I didn’t have a car, and I was still in school, just quit soccer, not college altogether. And that was all on the same day as me quitting. So turning everything off and telling me to figure it out and then not talking to me all because I quit soccer was a shock.
Thankfully, my mom stepped up and got me a new phone (my dad took mine and gave it to my Grandpa that same month) and she helped me pack up and just quit college altogether.
She ended up getting me a car and letting me live with her. Getting some of my stuff from my dad’s was awful. Just the cold shoulder and he didn’t even give me all my things. Just said ‘We don’t want to pull everything out of the garage to get you that stuff right now’. Which I understood, it was a lot, so I didn’t argue.
From that point, I lived with my mom.
I tried to make up with my dad. I tried to go out to dinner with him and just see him. He proceeded to tell me he was told by a friend of my partner’s family told him that I left school and quit soccer for my partner. When I told him that was not true and who told him that? He told me.
‘You don’t need to know who.’
To which I said ‘Well… I feel like I should know since they are lying to you. I don’t think me or my partner’s family want someone who makes stuff up like that in our lives.’
‘Well I am not telling you, I told them I wouldn’t say anything’. He literally said that how you would think a 4-year-old would.
This was typically how he would try to get me to believe things when I was younger.
That ‘someone’ told him something and so that meant it was true no matter what it was. I think he thought those things and tried to make it sound more believable if someone (be it not a real person) also thought those things.
So I tried to reason with him. ‘So you would rather ruin your relationship with me, your daughter? Over this person that you just know?’
All I got back was a ‘Yep’.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are an adult and your parents no longer get a say in your choices, no matter how much they want one. I have 3 adult children and sometimes it SUCKS that I no longer have the option to intervene when the consequences could be huge (I’m assuming this is where your dad is coming from). He’s being incredibly unreasonable and he’s punishing you for not doing what he said.
You could sit him down, or send him a letter, and tell him that you know you are making decisions that he doesn’t agree with and that you aren’t doing it to defy him but because they are your choices to make. Ask him to please understand that you’ve considered outcomes and still decided that quitting was the best option for you. If you wanted to add an extra layer you could tell him that you value his opinion and also know that he raised you to be thoughtful, intelligent, and responsible so that you’ll be confident and competent enough to make life decisions.
Your father’s behavior isn’t on you. He needs to manage his own troubles.” WynterRaynne
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your father is so focused on what he wants for you that he doesn’t give you any room to decide what you want for yourself, and he uses unfair, manipulative methods to try to get you to capitulate. Withholding affection, unreasonable punitive measures… that’s all emotional abuse. And if he’s done this kind of thing your whole life, making up ‘someone’ to try to influence you with the idea that other people are talking about you so you should change what you’re doing, then you’re better off without him.
Realizing a parent is crap and cutting them off is intensely difficult, especially when it’s almost never black and white and we can always point to those good moments we should be grateful for, too. But sandwiching stuff between two layers of filet mignon doesn’t make it not trash, and you don’t have to deal with the bad as if it’s somehow a fair balance to the good.
You’re allowed to step back to protect yourself from someone who may love you, but doesn’t know how to love you without hurting you.” ColloidalSylver
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, you made a horrible decision against the advice of your father whose most important thing is to get you set on the right track so you can have a successful life. He is being a jerk and pretty unreasonable after the fact which is why you’re not total jerks. However! I will say as someone who had divorced parents and often got the luxury to fall back on my mom when things got rough she is not doing you any favors in this situation.” User
19. WIBTJ If I Cancel On Babysitting?
“My (16NB) parents have been divorced since I was really little, no big deal, but relevant because of custody and housing. My dad started going out with this girl in August 2020, we’ll call her Amanda for the sake of it, and she came with three kids, Hannah (12f), James (9m), and Jackson (3m). I have three siblings, one who’s from my mom’s marriage and irrelevant for this story, as well as my brother Hayden (15m) and my sister Erica (13f).
My dad also has two older kids from his first marriage, the only relevant one right now being my sister Mandy (25f), who had her first son, and my first bio nephew literally the day the global crisis started. I adore my nephew, I’ve been trying to be active in his life and while I’m not a kid person, I love spending time with him and helping babysit whenever my sister needs it as she’s a single mother and she split with the dad due to the relationship being toxic.
Now onto the main part. I’m a nervous person and don’t do really well under pressure, and Amanda’s kids were pretty undisciplined when we first met them, so a few of the times I watched them previously led to a couple of breakdowns on my part, and I’ve since said I don’t want to watch them or feel responsible for them. I know I’m not good with kids, though so far I’ve been doing relatively fine with my nephew despite having never handled a kid that young before, but I don’t babysit anybody else.
Amanda’s grandma has been watching Jackson while they’re at work, and due to custody agreements with her exes, they have both James and Jackson on the week I’m with my mom.
Last night they said the grandma was getting too old to watch him and asked if I’d be willing to look after him while they’re at work, which would require me to stay over at their house during some days of my mom’s week.
Now since October last year, I’ve been homeschooled, which means I do spend more time at home and have more time, but I’m not really connected with this kid and at his age, even 5 minutes with him has me worn out (also due to some health issues I’ve been having recently).
They asked me in front of everybody at dinner and tried to make it not seem bad, so I felt pressured to agree but I’m thinking about it now and realizing the situation might be more stressful than it’s worth.
I’m also not getting paid, and while I wouldn’t expect a lot because they’re family, even my sister pays me a little bit to watch my nephew. I’m considering telling them I’ve been doing some thinking and would rather not, due to the stress the change of schedule and dealing with a hyperactive toddler would bring me right now. I don’t know if this is just me being a selfish teenager or looking out for myself, so I wanted to get some unbiased advice.
So, WIBTJ if I backed out now despite already agreeing to babysit?”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ, it’s good to learn when to stand up for yourself and to learn when you are being taken advantage of. You already knew they were being manipulative by asking in front of everyone, don’t let them take advantage of you too. Tell them no and get your Mom involved if they continue to try guilt or pressure you. Their childcare is not your problem. You will burn out really quickly if you agree to this, look after yourself here.” Squidjit89
This is not your child, it is your step mothers child. It is her responsibility to find care for him that doesn't involve another child caring for him. Your dad can also help find care because he's Amanda's partner which also means sharing care for the kids that live with them when they are there. This also doesn't mean that he can delegate one of his kids to do the baby sitting.
I take it your other siblings are homeschooled too? If so, then why don't they ask your 15 year old brother to babysit instead? That can be a suggestion.
They want the free child care and don't want to pay for it. The grandmother was providing it, but now can't and they really don't want to pay for it.
Tell your father you have thought about it and you are not in a position to spend hours caring for a child who is really full on. You won't be able to concentrate on school work and when you are working on your school work you won't be paying attention to what is happening with Jackson and who knows what will happen. You don't want to be the one responsible if something untoward happens. You also don't want to have another break down.
If they try and manipulate you about it, you may want to consider moving in full time with your mom as it's going to be pretty uncomfortable. If they push the envelope and just leave you with him... when you feel the panic attack coming on then call the paramedics and get yourself evaluated at hospital because you are worried about your symptoms. They will have to come home to care for Jackson and the doctors can tell them that you are not to be put under that sort of stress again.. They may have their own heart attack when they get the ambulance bill.
If they do leave you alone with Jackson and don't tell you, there is some thing to be said for leaving the house and calling CPS to say there is an unattended 3 year old in the house anonymously and when Amanda and your dad ask what happened you can tell them you had no idea that Jackson was in the house at all and went for a walk. And CPS will be making sure there is an adult carer for him. You act dumb here. And you also delete the call to CPS from your phone or make the call from someone else's phone or the pay phone.
18. AITJ For Telling On My Cousin To My Mom?
“So, I’m (20f) studying in my room when suddenly my cousin (35f) entered our house without me knowing. I shouted as I was startled seeing a silhouette of a person outside my room knowing I was alone at that time (she told me she had been calling me a few times and no one was answering so she just went inside). Now, after I shouted, she got irritated at me and went to the balcony.
After seeing 2 bottles laying on the balcony, she started demanding that I should clean it up and I answered her yes. She then proceeded to roam around the house and started telling me how dirty and messy the house is (with her loud voice) and that I should start cleaning since her father is going to arrive soon and live with us (mind you her dad and my dad aren’t on good terms, so her dad isn’t really welcome to live with us).
I told her I don’t have the time to clean yet since it’s our midterm examination week, (the house isn’t really dirty, She just wants me to clean for her dad’s arrival).
Anyway, she continues to say that if I can’t clean the house, then I should call my mom and ask her for funds to pay for someone to clean up the house, to which I didn’t answer, because it’s our house.
Anyway, She continued to criticize me for how dirty the house is and that I should be preparing and cleaning for her dad’s arrival. After leaving, she even told me (shouting) that I shouldn’t be wearing earphones listening to music and should just clean the house instead which embarrassed me because my neighbors could hear it. Now after she left, I messaged my mom telling her what she just did, my mom of course got mad and messaged her and my dad.
Now my cousin won’t stop calling me, she’s telling me I’m a witch for telling that to my mom. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She came into your parents’ home and started verbally abusing you. You did absolutely the right thing.
Next time, when she calls to ask her if she believes she did anything wrong and when she says NO (because what else is she going to say) say well you should have a problem with me discussing it with my mother then should you? If by some chance she says yes then you say that people have to be prepared to wear the consequences of their behavior
Then regardless of a yes or no answer, you finish with if you don’t stop harassing me I will be telling my mother about that as well.
THEN HANG UP. DON’T ENGAGE.” Whitestaunton
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your cousin sound crazy! Why did she even walk into the house? I know this is a stretch, but is it possible she was planning on stealing something thinking no one was home and when she realized you were home she had to make up some insane reason for being there? I just can’t imagine walking into someone’s home when they don’t answer the door unless they knew I was coming over and they told me to just come in when I got there.” Big_Bowler8424
Another User Comments:
“If your cousin is so bothered by it, direct her to where your cleaning products are stored…
Because apparently, she knows all, so she can do it instead. Doesn’t want to? Fine, she can pay for a cleaner. Don’t want to do that either? Well… Shucks… Not your house cousin, get out and stay out. NTJ.” Fun_Macaroon9841
17. AITJ For Not Telling My Parents My Brother Is Staying At My House?
“My eldest brother is 24 and I am 22. He has been working a retail job ever since graduating college. I didn’t think it was an issue really especially since his wife has a good job. About a week ago, he showed up wasted at my home and he has never done this before.
So he got a good office job in his field and his wife mocked him for taking so long to find one and which send him on a spiral.
It is really shocking because my Sister in law is a very kind, very nice person and I can’t even imagine her behaving that way. He was pretty miserable and embarrassed. He asked me if I would let him stay for a few days and it was fine with me. He went over to his place and got everything while she was at work and I really can’t believe that this is happening.
They seemed like the perfect couple. His wife talked to my parents and they are worried about him however he didn’t want me to tell them that he was staying with me. So I lied that he was not staying with me.
Nothing happened for a few days but she followed him home from work and wanted to talk to him. He didn’t want to talk to her at all and my neighbor had to force her to leave.
I guess she told my parents because they are now really mad at me for lying to them and interfering. They think I should not interfere with them and let them talk it out.
I feel like a jerk because my parents are really really worried about my brother and I lied to them when they were stressed out. I shouldn’t have done that.
Edit: I did tell that he told me that he was staying with a friend but also said I didn’t know where he was staying exactly.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re definitely keeping your brother safe.
It’s hard to tell what goes on in a relationship, but just from her mocking him enough that he did something out of character for him, and he went to you for help, shows it isn’t healthy. Her following him is stalking behavior – your brother didn’t say where he was for a reason so she invaded his privacy. Then, she refused to leave. He also wanted to get his things while she wasn’t home, and this may potentially avoid her lashing out at him.
She sounds potentially dangerous, keep your brother safe and respect his wishes regarding who does and doesn’t know about these things.
You said your parents are telling you to stay out of it, but why aren’t they? It’s also your home, and your brother went to you, not to them. He did it because he trusts you and feels safe with you. He did it because, with them, he would get a lecture about putting up with his wife’s behavior, while he knew you would accept him.
He’s an adult and he can make choices for himself. Your parents are the ones who need to stay out of it.” Proper_Garlic3171
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It’s not your job to get involved. You gave him a place to be since he wanted out. Your parents are interfering. This is between him and his wife. Perfect as people may seem on the outside, there is probably much more to this story than anyone is telling.
If I had to take a stab at it, she has probably been nagging him for years to get a better job and he has been dealing with the nagging on top of, perhaps, dealing with depression, and he couldn’t take it. Perhaps she gave him some sort of time limit, he waited until the end and hoped it made everything better, and when it didn’t, he became more depressed.
Anyway, if he has continued drinking and drowning his sorrows, you should step in and talk to him about talking to someone else. If he wants to save the marriage, you can recommend he talks to her and seek a marriage counselor, but if he’s done, he’s done. That’s his business.” ToxicLogics
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You promised your brother to protect his location and did so, although perhaps a better thing would have been to tell your parents that you knew he was safe but that you had been asked not to share his location and were going to honor that.
For what it’s worth, the highest divorce rate — by far — is people who got married under 25 years old. Many people just don’t know themselves that well yet. It sounds like there’s a fair amount of immaturity to go around in their situation. But as for ‘interfering’ — that concern shouldn’t worry you. You did the right thing by your sibling, who needed time to sort out his feelings. You did not make it less likely that he’d stay married; he and his wife are responsible for that.” Formal-Register-1557
16. AITJ For Messaging My Professor Late At Night?
“In one of my courses we have a take-home assignment that we have been given a few days to work on. I was working on it until quite late (2:30 am) on one of the first days that we were given. I had a question come up that I wanted to ask my professor, so I went ahead and asked him it on the platform that he’s been using to communicate with his students over the course.
The next morning my professor got back to me, adamant that it was very unprofessional to send him a message so late and that the notification woke him up. He says I should have waited until the morning to send it. I feel like if he didn’t want a notification to wake him up, he should’ve turned on Do Not Disturb. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m a professor.
Students attending college anymore are generally working at least one job, sometimes two. As employees of the university, we should be glad that students are engaged enough to contact us with questions on assignments, especially before the last day of the semester. My students have my cell phone number, and I ask them not to text or call me after 9:30 p.m., and they are very respectful.
Because they have that access they get quick feedback. You are right; It’s your professor’s job to set those time boundaries.” Illustrious-Tour-247
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he absolutely should’ve had it on do not disturb, not everyone works during normal work hours. Ask him if there is a better way to reach him when you’re working at night. Or, next time set the email to send at like 8 am or something.” unjessicabiel_evable
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, phones have a silent mode for a reason. You didn’t expect a reply at 2:30, you just needed to get the question asked with the hope of him replying in the morning.
Your professor is the one being unprofessional.” lyre34
You'll be done with him soon so it won't be an issue but is there a way where you could delay a message ie write and send it but it won't be delivered for X amount of time?
15. AITJ For Not Inviting My Brother To My Wedding?
“My younger brother and I have always had a tumultuous relationship. In the middle of the global crisis, I bought a house and simultaneously tried to make amends with my brother by asking him to focus on the future of our brotherhood and ignore the past mistakes we made when we were in our early twenties and younger. I had a party at my house for my birthday, and I invited him.
It was late and my guest, my fiancée, and I were drinking a little. My brother was drinking some drinks he made with some ‘substance’ and soda. He doesn’t like booze. He started talking about some conspiracy, and my fiancée told him to basically calm down. My brother didn’t like that and said that she was just wasted (which she wasn’t) and, ‘You’re just being a jerk,’ which my fiancée did not like, so she told him he needed to leave, and I defended her decision.
My brother said he was leaving, but he wasn’t moving, so I got up and told him it was time to go. On his way out, he said he can’t wait to see my ‘fake’ marriage fail and started kicking the air and throwing what was basically a temper tantrum.
The next day, I texted him to tell him I needed to think about what happened. He apologized, but this was not something I was prepared to accept a quick apology for.
I told him not to expect an invite to my wedding (which is this year), and I need time to think everything over. He did not allow me time. Instead, he texted me belittling me, making fun of me, slinging accusations, pitting my mother against me, and overall just being very rude about me, my fiancée, my wedding, my future, and my life. Because of this, I have stood steadfast in my decision not to invite him.
My family and I, my fiancée and her family, and my family and my fiancée have all had a past that’s probably like anyone’s because there’s drama and happy moments (at our wedding we will have been going out for ten years), but I can’t see my wedding being a time to accept an apology after all the things he recently said. At this point, I don’t even see the apology was sincere.
My mother says, ‘Give him a chance. He’s like that. He says things to rile you up.’
And now my mother isn’t coming to my wedding either. Because I haven’t invited my brother, so she won’t be there to walk me down the aisle or to share my mother-son dance (my father passed away years ago). Since recently, she’s added excuses for not attending, but the biggest thing is she won’t attend my wedding unless my brother can, which I just can’t do.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your brother and mother are. Comments your brother made under the influence of some ‘substance’ could be forgiven, but his other comments are not. I think you are wise to exclude him from your wedding. What makes you think that he won’t show up under the influence for that occasion? That would certainly make a delightful memory.
And your mother is a real piece of work to use emotional blackmail on you.
I think it’s a shame that she is resorting to this, but it may be possible that she will change her mind as you get closer to your date. I think it’s worse than your mother said, ‘Give him a chance. He’s like that. He says things to rile you up’ Sounds like gaslighting to me.
Hold your ground, OP, and make decisions that will ensure good memories for this special occasion.
The last thing you need is a plateful of drama on what should be a happy day.” Illustrious-Tour-247
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. First thing, he knew that he was wrong and apologized, but you weren’t interested in getting an apology. I don’t know what you expected him to do, or how long you expected him to wait before doing it. Maybe this is not clear, but that’s my read of what happened.
Next, you went nuclear with the wedding invitation. It sounds like there’s a lot more here than what you have written, why your mother won’t attend, and it implies a lot of drama that you are responsible for, at least in her eyes.
If you’re not willing to forgive people, really forgive people, you are going to have problems. You need to have a much deeper conversation with your brother about your relationship if there’s going to be any progress forward.
In-person, not via text. Sounds like you have serious trust and respect issues with your brother and you need to work that out. A mere apology is not enough in this situation. That shouldn’t be the goal.” Trixi19
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your brother sounds like he is super jealous of your life. He’s the jerk here along with your mother. Is this a family theme, brother messes up and the mother comes to his aid. I would stop trying to convince your mother to come though, she’s just using it as a reason to guilt trip you into doing what she wants. Tell her she will be missed but you will respect her choice to miss her own son’s wedding, it will be hard to explain why she’s not there but you’ll be honest.” Squidjit89
14. WIBTJ If I Ask My Friend To Stop Using The Netflix Account?
“In 2018 I met this guy when on a trip with a group of friends (he was a friend of a friend so in the group). When it come to going home, he asked how I would feel if he kissed me and I said I’d be really uncomfortable, I would never feel like that about him but if he was okay with that we could still be friends…
Anyway, we became friends but for some reason, his long-term partner hated me and told me it was because he said he had hooked up with me when they were arguing. I told her that was a lie and iI’d never see him in that way and he insisted he never said that and she would sometimes say stuff like that to girls he knew to try and catch him out…
So anyway skip to 2021 and this guy ended up going to jail. He would call me and we would talk on the phone maybe once a week, I would sometimes send him letters and at the odd time, I would go and see him. Whilst in jail he let it slip that he had actually said something to his ex to make it sound like I had hooked up with him and since they were no longer together I just brushed it off and thought nothing of it.
When in jail I said I told him I was booking a holiday and he said he and his other friend wanted to join and I said that’s fine and let them know the details. Since then he said his friend couldn’t go so it would just be me and him but when I said I invited this guy I had been seeing he got funny about it and called me a couple of weeks later stating his friend could go…
So a couple of months back he got out of jail and I gave him my Netflix password as he does not have one and said he can use it but a lot of the time when I log in it won’t let me stream as its saying too many people are using the account (my mum also uses my account) and I have to upgrade if I want to watch.
Also, he kept messaging me and if I didn’t answer he would message me off another platform to try and get a reply. A few times he said he missed me and I brushed it off saying ill come see him when I got a chance he also said he’s lonely and when I said maybe he should go to the internet and maybe try and meet someone and he said the reason he doesn’t want to meet people is because of me.
Once again, I told him I did not feel the same way and he tried to backtrack saying I got the wrong idea (I asked a couple of friends and they took it the same way I did). Since then I’ve told him I wanted some space and he said that’s fine…
I’m just wondering if it would be a jerk move if I asked him to stop using Netflix as I can’t use my own account? Also, would it be wrong if I changed the dates of my holiday so I won’t run into him and his friend?
I know it sounds a bit extreme but I thought this guy was my friend and I don’t really want to make conversation and end in this same situation (him saying he likes me more) again.
Edit — I would rather not change my Netflix password as it means I have to log myself in on all of my devices and my mum… I live kinda far from my mum and it would kinda be a big hassle…”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. For Pete’s sake. Change your Netflix password and block this guy. Too bad if it’s a ‘hassle’ to change the number on your devices and walk your mom through signing on again.
This guy is going to keep ‘at’ you till you give in to a physical 1relationship because you can’t say ‘no’.” NanaLeonie
Another User Comments:
“He is using you and is starting to sound a bit creepy, since he’s angling to go on holiday with just you, and hasn’t taken ‘no’ for an answer at least twice now.
He is not trying to be your friend. He is trying to force a relationship.
Change the password. It may be inconvenient to have to do it across your devices, but it’s more inconvenient not to be able to use a service that you are paying for. Block him everywhere. This guy is not nice.
You are NTJ.” MagratM
Another User Comments:
“You would definitely NOT be a jerk for changing your information and plans to avoid him. He’s already told lies about you to stir up trouble and he is in jail. He sounds like guys I have dealt with in the past who are nothing but trouble. Please avoid this guy. I wish you the best!” Ancient_Advantage_60
And block him.
13. AITJ For Calling Out A Friend About An Offensive Joke?
“Yesterday, I was texting my friend when he said, ‘Ew, sophomores suck.’ I told him that I was a sophomore and he replied with, ‘All sophomores suck in some way. Some are just tolerable. Like my sophomore friends’. I am autistic and struggle to tell the difference between jokes and serious comments, and since he didn’t use any tone tags or anything indicating it was a joke, I took it as he didn’t actually like me and just tolerated me.
I can handle just about any insult, but I can’t handle being called things like annoying or being considered simply tolerable, so this was extremely hurtful to me.
Note: our friendship has been very rocky, and this isn’t the first time I’ve confronted him about similar things
I have been trying to become less of a doormat, so I decided to confront him about it. I gave myself a few hours to cool down before I did so, however, because I found it illogical to confront him while my emotions were all crazy.
Still, I fear maybe I didn’t give myself enough time.
Our conversation went like this:
Me: When you said this, it really hurt my feelings. It made me feel like you do not really like me and I’m simply someone you tolerate. (name), I have said this before, and I will say it again. If you do not want to be my friend, then put on your big boy pants and just say it to my face.
I am sick and tired of trying to read between the lines and trying to figure out if you like me or not.
Friend: Why would I not want to be your friend? I meant it as a joke, it was what I say to nearly everyone. I added the friends that are sophomores because I have sophomore friends, not because I feel obligated. I’m sorry you took it that way.
Me: You must put tone tags when saying stuff like that. You know I struggle with telling what is a joke and what is not. I understand maybe your other friends can handle that kind of stuff, but I am not like your other friends. I am sensitive and weak. I will believe that you want to continue being friends with me, but if things keep going like this, I will have to confront you again.
Friend: I’m sorry for making you upset. I can’t promise because future me will forget as he usually does, but I will try hard.
I thought that it was the end and things will go back to normal, but he hasn’t responded to anything I said, nor did he show up to where we usually hang out in the mornings. I am scared I screwed things up.”
Another User Comments:
“As long as he does actually make an effort not to do it again then I would say ‘no jerks here’.
Your way of addressing it with him was really good and clear and if you struggle with a confrontation like you imply then extra props to you (fellow former doormat here, still working on it). You were clear, sure you did not sugarcoat it but you should not have to, provided your tone wasn’t nasty then you were not rude, just firm with your boundaries. If you already have a bumpy relationship then it is no wonder you confronted him, even if you didn’t you would be right to tell him you felt uncomfortable.
On his end, he might just want some time to reflect and have time apart so nothing immediately springs back up. Hopefully, he was being genuine and can see where you are coming from, so now he will make an effort to consider your feelings, etc – maybe still making mistakes but not on purpose. However, if it becomes a pattern that he says these things all the time and doesn’t seem to actually have paid attention to you asking him not to, or just gives you the same ‘sorry, I’ll try not to but I forget’ over and over, then it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a bad guy, but it does imply he doesn’t care to make sure you feel respected, listened to, etc.
Also, if he throws a huff now because you asked him not to be unclear with you, then he is the jerk and definitely not someone you should want to be friends with.
Best of luck and hope you get back on better terms, but it’s also okay if you don’t, and doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault.” piccoloco_
Another User Comments:
“You handled it brilliantly! That was a perfect conversation and a perfect boundary you set.
It’s possible you’ve hurt his feelings. Not everyone is like you about making boundaries and being straight about it.
Give him some time to work through it.
We make boundaries to keep us safe but we also make boundaries to work out who our real friends are. Those who respect us and our boundaries are the keepers. Those who don’t, we let go.
So you can never screw up by making a boundary.
You did a good job. Just wait and see what happens next. It’s like an experiment – you can’t judge the outcome – you have to wait for the experiment to end.
NTJ.” SassyPieHole173
12. AITJ For Performing With My Band?
“I (28M) am in a small band that and my friends and I started, and we were preparing to perform our first concert ever at my mom’s workplace for some party. For the performance, we were all going to wear costumes of our favorite villains. Now, as it happens, my birthday came up recently and my mother (48F) asked me what I wanted. Since I currently do not have a job, I thought it would be perfect to ask her for a Joker costume, just some makeup, and a suit.
Well, I and my bandmates planned on doing our first fully geared-out rehearsal on the day of my birthday, but this is where things took a turn for the worst. I find out the day that my mom had gotten me a CLOWN outfit instead of what I asked for, and I’m convinced she did it on purpose.
When I put on the clown costume (I had to wear SOMETHING) and told my mom this wasn’t even close to what I was looking for, she just laughed at me.
My mom has always been really bitter about me having a band and hates when I play my instrument. She gets a really nasty look on her face when I tell her I’m going out to practice and tries to come up with excuses for why I can’t use her car to go rehearse. Well, today (the day of the concert) I had to call my mom’s boss Mark (50M) who was helping organize everything to tell him that I would instead have to wear a clown costume.
He was relieved though because it turns out my mother had called him earlier and tried to say I wasn’t coming. On top of that, she wasn’t letting me use her car.
I ended up getting a ride for me and my instruments in Mark’s truck. We had talked in the car and he seemed passionate about music and sympathetic towards me because of my mom. I told him all about how I used some of my college savings on original DC comics and he said he has a collection of his own.
Super cool dude with good taste.
Fast forward, my mom barges in towards the end of the show and sits down. We wrap up our performance and promote our local merch line ‘nonconsensual drip’ to the crowd and I overhear my mother making fun of me to everybody (Mark too) about things like how I do not have a partner, how my band ‘will never make any money,’ or how she never gets sleep because I’m always playing my instrument and singing every night.
To my surprise, he ends up firing her very shortly after and handed her last check. My mom instantly loses all smugness she had and throws a tantrum. She starts blaming me for this and says she won’t afford the mortgage. In the midst of the drama, I just leave and start working out a way to move in with one of my bandmates (and write this).
My mom is currently crying and calling me names but I cannot take her seriously because she obviously has mental problems. It really amuses me when she yells and I stand there while smirking, refusing to budge. I plan on trying to refund the clown costume so I can get a Joker one with the moolah and show up in front of her and laugh hysterically.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“If I had a medal I would give it to you. You have NO idea how cheered I was to read all of this.
Fifty-five years ago I played guitar, wrote songs, and sang in folk clubs. I was good. My mother (who had once been a singer and an actress) constantly pulled me down, made fun of me, and criticized everything I did. I wasn’t like you.
I wasn’t strong. I was terrified of my mother and I allowed her to wear me down and I believed everything she said about me because your parents don’t lie – right?
I stopped playing and stopped singing. I’ve dabbled over the years on and off but truly, my heart’s just not in it.
So reading your story made me cry – in a good way. Not that I’m vindictive but it’s just cheered me so to read of your resilience and determination and how good triumphs over evil and all that.
You’re right – you need to get away. There’s something wrong with your mum.
Good luck.
NTJ.” SassyPieHole173
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you’re unemployed and now you’re amused that your mom is unemployed and you’re worried about a costume? You should be worried about having a home and food to eat! Time for you to act like an adult!” Appropriate_Brief880
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, at least, if you go through with your fantasy. She got what she deserved, leave it that and don’t rub her nose in it. Moving out is probably a good idea since you can’t trust her to not sabotage you.” Mastreworld
Move out and move on. Your mom is an adult and needs to sort her crap out. So are you.
11. AITJ For Not Going On A Vacation With My Family?
“I am 19 and started college last year, my family is upper middle class so money is not never ending but we used to go to super nice restaurants and high-end hotels as a kid. However, since going to college, finances have been tighter. I moved to the other end of the country for the best college, but it was also expensive. My relationship with my family has been strained as I’m never home anymore and I’m a bit of an overachiever so I’m always stressed and concerned about getting high grades.
I also failed to get a financial scholarship year and had a meltdown as I was stressed about finances and that my parents would now have to pay for expenses they didn’t see coming as they expected I’d get them too. Since being stressed I’ve lashed out, however, so have my parents.
Since I’m never home anymore my family mentioned in April that the 4 of us (my mom, dad, older sister, and I) would do a family vacation as our last family vacation as I’m the youngest and we’re all kind of going our separate ways now.
I told my mom I wasn’t sure as I was just finishing uni exams when she wanted to go, and that I had plans with friends (which was booked in February and she was aware).
So I told her today, that I couldn’t go as I wanted to work and save funds for college so it wouldn’t be as expensive for the family next year and that I was just coming back from a vacation too so I wasn’t going to have funds and didn’t expect her to pay.
I’m currently being called a jerk and a piece of work and morally bankrupt by my family, my parents aren’t picking up my calls but I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to save funds. I know my mom wanted a family vacation and I do feel bad but am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“After all they do for you, you can’t spare a few days for a final family vacation? Their feelings are hurt.
YTJ. If they couldn’t afford the trip they wouldn’t be planning it. You need to be having more open conversations with them about the cost of your college and what their limits are for next year and moving forward.” genkichan
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your parents know how much your schooling has cost them, and they knew how much the vacation would cost and had probably already determined whether or not they could afford the vacation before planning it.
From their perspective, the reconnection of the family was worth the cost financially and it hurt them that you would accept their financial assistance for the school, but not reconnect with them. That you decided that only one vacation was acceptable: the trip with your friends. They reacted poorly and vented their frustrations in a hurtful manner. I think honestly this is an overreaction by everyone.” CapnBlackhearts
10. AITJ For Making A Customer Sick?
“I (20M) work at a nice restaurant waiting tables during brunch on Fridays and weekends and nights 2 days during the week. Unfortunately, almost two weeks ago, I got a huge black eye and which made me lose a day of work the day after I got it and then wash dishes out of sight until today.
Since I’ve only been washing dishes since it happened, I’ve gotten no tips and have been reduced to minimum wage earnings since dishwashers don’t receive tips.
This is a pretty significant change from the amount I usually make in tips waiting tables. Since this has started to hurt me financially, I’ve been pestering my manager to let me wait tables again, which she had been turning down until last night.
Initially, her excuse was that since my eye was swollen shut, it would be a safety hazard to have me working when I couldn’t see.
I didn’t agree, but could at least understand the reasoning. When the swelling went down enough for me to open my eye, I asked again and she still said no because there was still some swelling that limited my vision. Again, I didn’t agree but waited for all the swelling to go down. Finally, after all the swelling was gone yesterday, I asked if I could wait tables again.
She was extremely hesitant, but after admittedly trying to guilt her into letting me do it by mentioning how this has hurt me financially, she reluctantly agreed to let me wait tables.
I probably should mention that my eye still looks kind of nasty. It’s pretty badly bruised and my whole eye is bloody. It’s definitely not pretty, but since there’s no serious damage and I can see perfectly fine, I didn’t think it would be a problem.
For a while, it wasn’t. My first few tables went fine, albeit with a few more stares from customers. About halfway through the service, however, I got to a table with a couple in their late 20s. When the woman at the table saw my eye, she had to excuse herself to the bathroom where she apparently got sick. Her partner told me she has a ‘thing’ about eyes and mine was too much.
I apologized profusely and my manager ended up comping their meal. My manager later told me that I wouldn’t be waiting tables again until my eye was back to normal. I definitely guilt-tripped my manager over my drop in pay and pressured her into letting me wait tables again and this was the result. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Maybe big sunglasses? You have the right to make your usual wages and they have a right to avoid discomforting the customers.
If any customer asks about the sunglasses, you can tell a white lie about having your eyes dilated at the optometrist.” lotus_eater123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That’s her personal problem and it should have remained a personal problem instead of being addressed with the restaurant. What if you had a permanent disability/disfigurement related to your eyes? What if you were missing the eye completely? You pose no infection or safety risk.
It’s a cosmetic issue at this point and that isn’t a good enough reason to prevent you from working.” slyest_fox
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your manager went against her better judgment because you kept pressuring her. When people spend a lot dining out they don’t want a waiter with a bloody black eye. You could have asked what else you could do to pick up more shifts to comp the pay loss until your eye was healed.” PuzzleheadedTap4484
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say your manager is the jerk here, but not why you think.
I get why you pushed to wait tables, having a cut in wages blows, I totally get why you pushed to go back to working your normal position.
Your manager sucks for letting you, though, or at least letting you do it as you did. Personally, I would find your black eye cool if I saw you anywhere in public. In a bar, I would definitely ask how you got it, in the gym I would joke about you being a tough guy, etc etc etc.
But when I’m trying to eat? I’ll come off as a jerk who refuses to look at you because I would lose my appetite. That said if your manager offered to let you wear an eye patch or something that covered it, I wouldn’t have any issue with that either.
The point is people get squeamish when it comes to food, and your manager should have known that.” ItsMrAhole2u
9. AITJ For Contacting My Mother-In-Law During An "Emergency"?
“I am currently out of the country for work and I get a message from my wife. She doesn’t know what to do.
After a short conversation, it turns out she had removed the kitten’s cone, which was just neutered (interventions suppressing fertility) the same day because it was thrashing about. Now it is almost midnight and the kitten starts to bite at the stitches and she can’t get the cone back on.
I suggested a few things such as wrapping in a towel or a runner and needing to be a bit more forceful. Each suggestion was met with ‘I can’t’, ‘I’m panicking’ etc.
I finally suggested calling her mom (we both have a very good relationship with her mom) to help because at one point ,she made the comment ‘I don’t have 4 hands.’ Also, her mom works as an animal rescue volunteer and recently went for an interview to be a rescue ambulance driver.
She said no because it was late and it was a 40-minute drive away. I said “your mom can stay in the spare room” and also added, ‘you need to sleep and the kitten needs to not bite at the stitches.’ But she was still reluctant. She tells me she got the cone on but it’s loose and she can’t tighten it because the kitten does not want to be there or be handled.
Again saying ‘I can’t’ when I give suggestions to try. I said I’m going to call her mom and this isn’t a threat. She doesn’t respond so I called her mom and told her sorry for bothering her so late and explained the situation and her mom thanked me for letting her know and she’ll contact my wife.
In about 10-15 minutes my wife is messaging me about how I shouldn’t have called her mom and it didn’t help the situation and only made her more stressed.
She also added she eventually got the cone on properly. I said this was an emergency and her health and the kitten’s health are more important than her pride. I have no regret contacting her mom in an emergency and I would do it again without hesitation. She says I am disrespectful and went against her wishes and didn’t listen to her and that this is a toxic trait.
She said she has no issues contacting her mom and knows she’ll help and it wasn’t about pride, but it ended up just being just her on the phone crying to her mom while trying to tie the cone so it was more of a nuisance than a help.
Again, I expressed that to me this was an emergency and I had no regrets about contacting her mom.
While she continues on about how I disrespected her by not listening to her wishes to not contact my MIL.
So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t really think this is a situation where anyone is the jerk. (‘no jerks here’ judgment) There’s this interesting video that reminds me of this situation. I believe it’s called, ‘The Nail’ and it’s about a woman with a nail in her head.
She keeps complaining about the nail, while her husband keeps offering solutions.
The point of the video is that sometimes people aren’t always ready to hear the solution, may already know the solution and are not ready to go through with it (after all pulling out a nail would hurt so much), or they may have some other reason for not being solution minded. What they may want and need at that moment is someone to be empathetic to them and listen to their complaints.
I’m not saying you or your wife or right or wrong, I just think it’s a breakdown in communication. One solution I’ve seen a lot of couples use successfully is asking right at the beginning, ‘do you need solutions, or do you just need me to listen?’ Just a phrase that establishes for both of you the expectations for the conversation.
This may not have worked in this situation because at that point you may have also been in panic mode because you were worried about the cat and unable to help.
So to you, in this situation, solutions were probably a lot more important than feelings. But in the future, perhaps she would be more willing to swallow her pride if she knew she could vent to you without you going over her head and provide solutions whether she wants them or not.” DandyFox
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You did the right thing for all the right reasons.
Your wife should be aware that veterinarians also have emergency numbers and are available at all hours of the night.
No, what you did was not toxic. Frankly, your wife sounds more toxic than you. She calls you up panicking (like there’s anything you can do from where you are), then blames you when you provide the best possible solution under the circumstances.
She sounds like one of those people who, when you suggest solutions to their problems, they respond with, ‘Oh, that’s not going to work!’ without even trying.
Then when someone else attempts the solution, it works.” User
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ.
Your wife said ‘no’ and there were other solutions available.
For example, I’m quite certain that my local 24/7 ER vet practice would have put the cone back on as a courtesy even though the surgery wasn’t done there. They do small stuff like this for people all the time. And perhaps that would have been closer, faster, and wouldn’t have inconvenienced mom.
Your wife got a grip and got it handled on her own within a few minutes.
And even if the cat removed the external sutures, it’s very unlikely the cat would have removed the internal sutures resulting in dehiscence.
This was not an emergency that needed to be handled IN THAT INSTANT. You could have waited a few minutes and just supported your wife while she figured out the situation.” throwaway20698059
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The kitten’s health beats everyone else’s feelings. None of us were witnesses to the whole conversation – but some here might be assuming as most people do that if they were there she would have listened to them. She said she was panicking, she said she couldn’t handle it repeatedly; we didn’t hear about her saying ‘I know I said I was panicking but I’ve got a grip on that now.’ In the first place, he’d be a poor partner if he didn’t see that she got help, regardless of his gender.
In the second, they took on the responsibility of a kitten, and it sounds like she was not really ready for that. Because we all have feelings about things and they are important, but when there’s another helpless being involved, like a pet or a baby, even, it’s not all about someone’s feeling not being validated (he didn’t say she didn’t have feelings or that they were wrong to have) – he went for a practical approach to make sure the kitten was safe.
The problem with AITJ stories often is that only part of the scenario is represented, so it becomes a Rorschach’s test that people can see their own concerns in – they fill in blanks with what the situation reminds them of as if that’s the situation, and react to that. Maybe some jerk ignored a reader’s ‘no’ – that’s obviously a real thing and unfortunately common among unevolved knuckle-dragging idiot dudes.
Anyone who did that will always be wrong. This here, though, is about a kitten.
And maybe also about there not being a cooling-off period before this was posted. The ideal resolution is that he acknowledges that she felt more stressed when talking to her mother, and she acknowledges that she panicked and didn’t handle things well, and that thinking about it brings back her feeling of panic which is incredibly unpleasant, and maybe her anger with him is fueled more by the panic feelings than whether he should have done it or not.” NeverAlwaysOnlySome
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, slightly leaning toward YTJ.
Tons of people have already pointed out why OP is the jerk so I won’t go over it again here, but I do feel like the wife’s part in this is being overlooked. OP was concerned for the cat’s safety, even if it was a bit of an overreaction. I get that. OP didn’t really know how severe the situation was. He tried to offer solutions to the wife, but she kept saying ‘I can’t’.
I get how frustrating that is.
I don’t think OP was right in what he did, but I understand his response to ‘I can’t’ being to call someone who can. The correct response was definitely to encourage her, but I get the impression that this was a late-night stressful situation for the both of them, so I honestly think that both of them were in the wrong.” fleshseagull
8. AITJ For Cutting Off My Family Because They Spread Pregnancy Rumors About Me?
“I’ve (18) always been close with my cousin (12) who I’ll be referring to as Bee. I lived with my aunt and Bee for multiple years on and off due to personal reasons, at the time being very underweight and unhealthy. My aunt had always played a motherly role in my life so when I decided I’d like to regain contact with my father and move in with him, she was not pleased but let me go through with my decision.
Last year, my aunt set up a messaging app for Bee to be able to communicate with me and we’ve talked back and forth quite a bit since then, never experiencing issues up until last week.
Over time, Bee has taken a liking to my pets, namely my kitten, often asking me to share pictures of the fur ball for art reference. My aunt is well aware of this as she monitors our conversations and doesn’t often intervene, but I recently received a text asking to get a hold of her as soon as possible.
I found this odd and after answering, my aunt struck up small talk before hitting me with, ‘is there something you’d like to tell me?’ After being unable to come up with anything, I told her I had no idea what she was talking about. She proceeded to interrogate me a bit, asking if I was positive, and then asked me to send a picture of myself.
Again, finding this odd I asked why and she kept beating around the bush, refusing to say anything until I did. I had told her I wasn’t going to send her a picture of my body because it made me uncomfortable, so she eventually spat out that she has reason to believe I’m hiding a pregnancy.
Attempting to rationalize as to why she would assume such a thing, my aunt claimed that a picture I had sent Bee had ‘exposed my secret.’ After some back and forth, I realized the photo she was referring to was one that had been taken from bed at an upwards angle of my kitten laying on my lap.
Underneath it, you could see my thighs as I was wearing shorts but the shorts themselves were covered. From this, my aunt decided that my thighs were a pregnant belly. Calling back to what I said earlier, whilst living with her I was very unhealthy. Since moving into my father’s however, I have gained weight so her assumption was a bit hurtful.
My aunt had told everybody that I was pregnant before coming to me so, after a long discussion with my father, I concluded I wouldn’t be keeping in contact with her and I wouldn’t be speaking with Bee as often.
I feel I could be the jerk in making this decision as Bee had done nothing wrong and wasn’t to blame, so shutting them both out for her wrongdoings was unfair. However, Bee is not at an age where they can freely use messaging platforms without their mother’s permission, which would make it difficult to maintain a relationship without having to interact with her.
AITJ for shutting out my family for making a false pregnancy claim?”
Another User Comments:
“This is insane.
Aunt is convinced you’re pregnant because of pictures from a 12-year-old? Why should she assume you’re pregnant at 18 and spread this nonsense to your family? And they believe her?
Sheesh. NTJ.” magyarmix
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I am sure Bee is old enough to start putting the puzzle pieces together on why you needed to end the monitored contact to protect yourself from your Aunt. She had the option to ask you hey did I see this picture right? Instead, she went and told your family and then came after you. Your cousin will eventually grow up and be able to reach out to you unmonitored.” Silverkekoa
Another User Comments:
“You’re not punishing them both, you’re protecting yourself from slander.
You cannot talk to Bee without every message being intercepted and speculated over by your aunt, best to limit contacts if everything you share is going to possibly get twisted into defaming you. NTJ.” Escape_Overlander
7. AITJ For Not Going To My Stepdad's Father's Funeral?
“I (22F Asian) was on bad terms with my stepdad (of 4 years) and moved out a year ago due to some conflicts between us and it was mainly his issue (manipulative, quick-tempered, etc). I stopped contacting him as well. He had tried reaching out to me to apologize but I didn’t respond as I don’t want to have anything to do with him.
In 2 weeks’ time, I had to move back to live with my parents mainly because that is what my mum wanted, and she felt that his behavior has gotten better recently.
Just yesterday his father passed away and my mum hopes that I will be present at the funeral, but I wasn’t close to him at all so why attend if I am not even sincere? The issue is it might make my stepdad upset especially since I’ll be seeing him once I move back soon.
So AITJ for not intending to attend since it’s a cultural thing to be present and also it will make my mum look bad? And what excuses can I give?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you’re under no obligation to attend, but I do also think it’s worth noting that funerals aren’t really about the deceased.
Your stepfather won’t know or care if you show up, but your family will. If his death has hit your family — especially your mother — hard, it might be worth going just to support her, regardless of how you felt about him. But, again, you wouldn’t be the jerk if you didn’t go, either.” StatisticianSea5780
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but don’t move back home. Does your stepfather cover your expenses when you live at home or do you pay rent and buy your own things? Does your mother work and contribute to the cost of your living there?
If your stepfather covers all the costs and you pay nothing, then it sounds like a very bad idea to move back home as an adult if you are unwilling to even attend his father’s funeral.
You can’t have it both ways.” nemc222
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I say you’re NTJ, but I’m not part of your culture. I can’t tell you what you should do in that case, but I can give you moral support from outside to say that you don’t have any moral obligation to show up to a funeral if you don’t want to, and you don’t even need an excuse.” toofat2serve
In this case you go because it's expected. Probably small price to pay and actually may mean that you aren't as attacked at home if you don't go. You probably can just stay at the back because it's not your family so you don't have to be front and centre.
6. AITJ For Writing About My Friend's Bird?
“My (M26) partner (F37) recently dealt with the loss of her pet bird. It was her absolute joy, so it took a big toll on her.
I had gifted the bird to her a couple of years back when we first started going out. We couldn’t see each other frequently due to her family issues. She always expressed her love for animals, especially birds and other avian creatures, so I decided to gift her the pet as a means of company for when we were apart and to faintly remind her of me.
She was ecstatic, she loved that bird so much, probably more than she loves me. There were times when she’d cancel plans with me just to spend more time with it. Sometimes, I’d come over to surprise her and she’d immediately make up some excuse as to why she couldn’t have guests over. Sure enough, when I’d peer into her office window, I’d see her just playing with that little bird.
I didn’t mind at first, but eventually, it just seemed like she was valuing a measly little pet over her own SO. To cope with my newfound loneliness, I shifted my poetry muse over to my partner.
For clarification, I write poems from time to time, usually just about what I see outdoors or small interactions with friends. I have no interest in publishing my poems or publicly sharing them.
My poems about my partner were mainly just about her beauty or just how much I loved her. Once, I wrote about what she’d do with her bird in her free time and how in a way, I wished I was the bird so that she’d spend more time with me. I won’t lie, sometimes I wish I never gifted her that pet. I honestly should’ve just gotten her a book or something else.
A few weeks ago, my partner called me while I was at work, crying about how the bird had passed away that day. I asked if I could come over after work to comfort her, finally believing she’d have more time for me, but she claimed it was a ‘bad time’ for her household in general. Whatever that meant.
Naturally, I got upset after that call and went home after work to write again.
This time, I wrote a sort of ‘eulogy’ for the bird, with the intention to send it to my partner to try and help with her grief.
After writing it, I sent it to my partner, along with asking her out on a date the coming weekend. She got mad at me, claiming that she needed time to cope, not a poem. She got even more annoyed that I would ask her out on a date so shortly after her loss.
I retaliated that poetry was my form of expression and that I wrote the eulogy to COMFORT HER. I wanted to take her out on a date to distract her from everything going on and to cheer her up. She continued to call me inconsiderate and just asked me to respect her space.
The next morning, I awoke to a text from her, asking for distance, and that she’d temporarily block me to cope with her grief.
I went over to her place to try to talk, but she wouldn’t answer the door. It’s been a week, and she still hasn’t spoken to me.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
‘I retaliated that poetry was my form of expression and that I wrote the eulogy to COMFORT HER.’
Those two statements are completely at odds. Either you’re doing it for her, or you’re doing it as your own personal artistic expression.
And even if you had genuinely intended it as the former – which I have to be honest, I do not buy for a minute – her telling you this wasn’t what she needed right now was your cue to put it away and listen to what kind of comfort actually would be helpful. And that’s before we even get into you resenting the bird because it got in the way of you being the sole focus of her attention, which is downright scary.
Take the space she’s asking for and strongly consider talking to a therapist about why you’re having so much trouble letting things not be about you before she decides the only way to get you to make room for what she needs is to cut you out of her life entirely.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I think there is something really wrong here. Either your partner (?) has an extreme bird fetish, or her interests have migrated towards another two-footed (human) creature.
Is it possible that she’s seeing someone else?
Next time you gift something, make sure that it’s something inanimate. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone developing a love relationship with a bird like this.” Illustrious-Tour-247
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I mean I think you might be a bit callous about how she’s feeling but I wouldn’t respond to someone by blocking my SO. People can argue grief all they want but if you completely cut off communication it’s not white the same thing as space, you want to be unreachable. She wants distance and you should oblige her.
Edit: Reread and with the wide age gap, your jealousy of a bird, and the complete breakdown of any communication by her I don’t think either of you is acting like an actual adult in this situation.” AnarchicalSheep
5. AITJ For Having An Argument With My Mom?
“I’m 14F. My parents got me a new phone today because mine is falling apart and my dad is abroad, so I need one for safety purposes. It’s your average smartphone and costs 100 bucks. They said I could pick whatever phone as long as it wasn’t pricy and it was good for its price and I got it set up and made an account for myself.
Basically, as long as it was cheap and I set it up myself it was ok. I’m really happy with the phone I chose, it’s functional and pretty cool.
So I’m thanking my parents for it, and my mom is like ‘what? uhm, no, this isn’t your phone, it’s mine. I got this for me. It’s only there if you need to call me.’
I’m confused and I ask her ‘but you said this was for me? and you already have a phone? did it break?’
She says, ‘no, this isn’t yours.
You’re not old enough for a phone. I’m going to have it on me at all times.’
I say ‘but mom you literally said that this belongs to me? That’s why I went out and got it set up and stuff.’
She tells me that it’s hers anyway. I tell her ‘well you got my hopes up for nothing, you could’ve just said it was for you in the first place, I would have gotten it set up either way.’ She got mad and said I was being ungrateful.
I just said that I meant no disrespect, but that she shouldn’t have told me it was for me if it wasn’t and just said it to me straight. She told me that I was ungrateful and should be buying the groceries and buying stuff from stores at my age and I got and said that I’m literally just a kid, those aren’t my responsibility, and that I cook for us half the time and that it’s got to count for something but she went on and on about it.
I feel like she ruins everything, big or small, that I’m happy about and it makes me so mad. So I fought back for a bit and then she got really upset and started crying and said that everyone always expects so much from her and that back in her day they were bringing in the groceries and doing housework when they were 5, and it told her that just because circumstance brought it onto her doesn’t mean it’s my responsibility now.
She kept telling me the same thing and crying and saying one day she would disappear and that she was going to leave us though and then I just ignored her.
AITJ for saying that stuff and then ignoring her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – they said you could pick a phone and it is the norm for a teenager to have one, as well as the fact that you literally need it for safety.
It’s your parent’s RESPONSIBILITY to buy groceries for you and make sure you eat and everything. Also, I hope you know that the last part was super manipulative on her part. You can tell her that you’re not going to care for her when she’s old, it’s her responsibility, and she what she thinks of that.” SniperSwitch77
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but sounds like your mom may be going through something.
I think she was wrong to say ‘pick a phone’ then double back and say it’s hers. What exactly did she think you should be grateful for if the phone wasn’t even yours?
Maybe she is overwhelmed with your dad gone and is finding things hard. But it is NOT your responsibility to buy groceries. It’s your parents’. Sure, you should be doing chores and helping, but she should make it clear ‘what’ to do, not just complain you don’t do enough.
I think your mom has larger problems, is there an aunt or uncle you could talk to?” notquiteright519
Another User Comments:
“Your mom seems to be using various manipulating techniques in that story. First, she buys you a gift. Then, she takes it back. After that, she says many of the house chores should be your responsibility, while you’re still a kid. Of course, kids should help with small tasks, but responsibility only comes when you’re an adult. Then, she says she had it worse than you. When you point out that doesn’t matter, she threatens to leave.
I’m sorry. NTJ and your mom really need some therapy.” kiwiparallels
I would just stop taking your broken phone and when your mom can't contact you... well she can't contact you because you don't have a phone.
4. AITJ For Telling My Reason For Resigning To A New Hire?
“I’m a student at University, and in my first year, I worked in a lab. It was not a good experience. One of my coworkers would constantly text me outside of work and demand that I answer her immediately. The bosses did nothing about it but yelled at me if I texted her outside of work hours. I was scheduled to work way too many hours and pressured into skipping class to go to work.
They gave me little to no flexibility for exams, and I was often running from exam to work because they wouldn’t give me time off. I was being bombarded and harassed by the job so much that it felt like I was a student on the side and a full-time employee when the reverse was true. This was an on-campus job, so my employers definitely knew I was a student.
Eventually, I was fed up and just handed in my resignation and didn’t show up again. I was sick and tired of being run ragged for a job and got a new one. Well, I put that I’d worked this job on LinkedIn and a girl contacted me saying she’d been offered a job there and wanted to know my experience.
I told her everything above and she ended up not taking it and going to a different lab.
She ended up telling my old employers that I told her my experiences, and they are blowing up my email and phone, calling me unprofessional and a jerk because she would have been a good addition to the lab.
AITJ for telling her my experiences which caused her to not take the job?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She asked and you answered. She’s asking because she doesn’t want to waste time working at a place that might not treat her well if she has a backup plan.
Although, I don’t think it’s necessarily right for her to tell them what you said. It’s still her right though but I think that rubbed me the wrong way a bit. You don’t generally tell professional places what someone’s said really… but it happens and there’s even a gray area for that depending on context. So, I can’t really judge your coworker on that either so I’m the partial jerk for assuming that piece without context.
The place is definitely the jerk though. Some people are saying to report it if you have the information. So, if someone’s been through this process (I haven’t) I’d follow that advice and reach out to proper resources. If you don’t feel comfortable with reporting right away (that’s fine too) in terms of being blacklisted is a legitimate fear.
I would however keep a file with evidence or anything tieing to this in the future in case you change your mind or if someone does decide to report and is seeking evidence to help with their own case.” SerenSkies
Another User Comments:
“NTJ of course.
Document every single email or call you receive from your ex-employers. I know it will be exhausting, but let them call you and record the calls. Let them email/message you and keep screenshots of ALL their emails and messages to you. And then if you can, take all of that, find someone who can give you legal advice or will take you up pro bono, and go to the management, if you want action taken against them right away.
Or if not, and you want to apply at jobs they’re trying to block you from getting, send your future employers copies of these in case they ask why. But definitely talk to someone who can give you a legal angle to this.” peevishmessenger
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were honest, there’s nothing wrong with honesty, and this girl sought your advice. If they’re part of the university, which it sounds like they are, report them.
Not sure to whom, maybe to your dean, and also to the head of whichever department they belong to. I’m sure you can find out online. They shouldn’t be acting this way to anyone, and certainly not to a student. Doing this may prevent them from abusing future students. I got harassed and mistreated as a graduate student and it was terrible, so I feel strongly about this. (It was long enough ago that they ‘investigated’ and did nothing without compunction.)” Pencils_
3. AITJ For Going Against My Wife's Idea To Toughen Up Our Daughter?
“My ex-wife has a knack for quirky ideas and solutions to things, for example using honey for leg injuries I think. She was/is also extremely stubborn and defensive whenever challenged on these ideas. One of the main reasons I divorced her.
Our 16-year-old daughter has a lot of problems with emotional fragility and strength. She gets upset far too easily and is too sensitive. She quit her job as a waitress due to some bad comments from customers, she doesn’t take teacher feedback in school well and she herself has admitted she needs to deal with it.
I recommended she exposes her mind to sensitive/deep topics or events and think or write her feeling’s down about them. She was visiting me yesterday and she looked extremely exhausted and red-faced, seemed pretty surprising to me but I was guessing she was out for a run. She told me that her mum had encouraged her to play rugby with some of her friends.
I decided to confront my wife over why she thought having a 16-year-old girl with nowhere near the strength play rugby would be a good idea.
She explained it was a way of toughening her up both physically and mentally. She said she enjoys it. I pointed out the obvious risks of injury or worse. She dug in and said that it’s only friends she’s playing with. I replied, ‘Yeah, boys 5 stone heavier than her, looking like a wreck, good idea’. She then replied as she usually does to swearing ‘Go ahead curse, what you do best’.
That drove my blood pressure higher and I called her a stupid witch. She then told me to leave which I did.
What makes me mad the most is that there is little I can do. Even if I tell my daughter to stop, she can just manipulate her back into it being stubborn and egotistical with her ideas as usual.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I have no idea how your daughter being sensitive to criticism has anything to do with her playing rugby with a bunch of friends.
And it’s not like she’s being forced to join a school sports team and play it. And the odds are if she’s playing with her friends and she’s never played it before they were going easier than normal on her while she was getting her footing. Because you know, friends don’t want to insult injure or hurt someone they consider a friend?
Also, you imply that she actually had fun and enjoyed it? Social interaction with friends and physical activity are known to help with anxiety and coping skills.
There are tons of scientific research that support this. Just go on Google scholar and look it up. What the heck is wrong with her going out and having fun with her friends while playing a sport? Would you rather have her go out and have fun with her friends by sitting behind a convenience store and going some smoking? (Do teenagers still do that nowadays?)
If your daughter is enjoying it then leave her the heck alone.
She’s 16. She knows how to say no and yes. Or at least she’s learning how to. Don’t try to box her in as a weak fragile female. The best friends I have made in the most fun I have had as an adult female is in a mixed martial arts ring getting my butt handed to me and being punched in the face. Let your daughter grow a little bit and lay off your ex-wife.” Sweet_Cauliflower459
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I play rugby. (for your information, I’m 5 feet 5 and 65kg) It is one of the best sports for so many reasons. There is a huge social element and teams are often very close and supportive of each other, probably because of the close physical contact we are in and of how we are putting our bodies on the line for each other. Many of us joined rugby looking for new friends or to learn a new skill.
You mention concern about the injury; that’s a concern with any contact sport but safety is taken very seriously in rugby and there are strict rules about contact.
You mention playing against men; this is not allowed for safety reasons. Women do not play against men.
If anything, your daughter will get physically stronger and gain so much confidence. This is a sport for anybody. Every size and shape has a role on the pitch and we all appreciate our bodies for what they can do, not how they look.
I’ve seen younger girls with zero confidence come along and over time they gradually blossom into confident players due to the camaraderie and fun within the team.
If she’s enjoying it you should support her. Better yet, educate yourself about women’s rugby. It’s one of the fastest-growing sports for a reason
Edit – also 16-year-olds won’t be playing against adults. Another safety feature of the game and the game would be slightly modified from senior’s games.” Srumlicious
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Stop name calling and cursing you aren’t 5. Your daughter seems to have inherited being overly sensitive and emotional from you. If you cannot even come and discuss a disagreement over your kid playing a team sport without resorting to cursing and getting angry, you are too sensitive and emotional. Starting this all with the way you put down your wife for how she chooses to love and help her children just because it is ‘quirky’ or different for you.
It sounds like you can’t even provide a sound argument as to why your daughter should not be able to play outside with her friends other than she is too weak and too small which is literally your exact issue. You are enabling behavior and punishing your wife because you disagree with her choices without having anything to back up as to actually why.
Oh, and by the way, honey is great on cuts, scrapes, and other small injuries.
It is anti-bacterial, anti-inflammatory, and an antioxidant. It can promote faster healing and keep the area clean. It doesn’t hurt or sting when you apply. It seems like your wife knows how to deal with the kids much better than you, so you should probably chill out with the ‘moronic’ and curse words. You are no better than a 4-year-old who doesn’t know how to express their emotions and lacks the emotional maturity to even understand why these things upset you so much. Go to therapy.” rooski117
2. AITJ For Being Upset When My Partner Ditched My To Play D&D?
“I have a debate banquet on Friday and had originally asked my partner to come with me, as my family was busy with my other siblings and I didn’t want to go alone. He says he’ll come, and we make plans to hang out after the banquet too. I asked him two weeks in advance so that if anything came up we’d be able to work around it.
Well, he has a Dungeons and Dragons group that meets every Monday. Unfortunately, with conflicting schedules, they’ve had to cancel the past few D&D days. This week, the dungeon master decides to move dnd to Friday (the same day and time as the banquet) since everyone will be able to make it. I always encourage my partner to prioritize his friends over me, friendships are more important than relationships.
As the dungeon master was talking about changing D&D day to Friday, I tried to inform them that my partner and I already had plans, but ended up being shut down by them saying ‘You can’t take him this time. LOL.’
So now my partner is going to be hanging out with his friends and I was able to convince my mom to join me at the banquet so I wouldn’t be alone.
Am I in the wrong for being upset that he chose D&D over plans we had made?”
Another User Comments:
“I wanna say NTJ, but after typing some stuff out, I think it may be ‘no jerks here’. I’m not sure how long you all have been together, but I take some issue with the ‘friendships are more important than relationships’ statement. At some point, he’ll need to be able to juggle both.
But he didn’t realize that you’d be upset, because you’ve told him to cancel on you. (If I were in your shoes) this would be a problem, but you have to communicate to him that you were upset, and this is a problem.
To be clear – I agree with everyone that you had plans first, and he should have honored them, but based on the way you explain things, it seems like you’ve given him free permission to cancel on you in the past for friends, so to him, he didn’t do anything wrong.
It’s just a communication issue.
The petty side of me says that next time he wants to make out or do something romantic, he can roll a die to figure out which one of his buddies he’s gonna partner up with.” ndcollector
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I don’t understand why you are here. You told him that friends were more important than you. Both of you haven’t made any real plans to be officially together because he is leaving and that just makes you a friend, but it looks like you really want to be officially together.
So really his choice was between being with just 1 friend (you at the banquet) or being with many friends (playing D&D). Because you keep downplaying your relationship with him (friends are MORE important than relationships) he picked being with many friends. He is a jerk because he should have honored his first commitment but you kind of gave him an out.” poncanach
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner needs to reconsider his priorities or you need a new partner…
I say that as someone who plays in two different D&D games every week. It’s absolutely normal for family or personal things to come up and for game night to be moved or canceled or for one person to skip a night (it happens in both my games regularly). D&D plans changing is no excuse for your partner to cancel prior plans with you (that can’t be altered) for an activity that can be and has been changed. He should have made it clear he wasn’t available Friday. (the dungeon master sounds like a jealous jerk too.)” tybbiesniffer
It's very disappointing if you were expecting him to come but unless you told him how important it was then he may not have realised.
1. WIBTJ If I Don't Go To My Son's Graduation?
“I left my abusive, narcissistic ex when my kids were tweens. My ex’s love of court meant we played musical kids while I struggled to put my life together, got a degree, and eventually a decent job.
I have a good relationship with my kids, though I’m closer to an aunt than a mom. That’s fine.
Three years ago (for the first time) I chose a partner based on character rather than the ability to support kidlets.
The guy is not smart, not conventionally attractive, and very introverted in public.
Three months into the relationship, the guy spent a year in the hospital. Finances were very tight. He’s worked hard once he recovered, pays half the expenses, does half the housework, and treats me like a queen. The kids look at him, at me, see that first year and worry that I’m being taken advantage of, and loudly want me with ‘someone better’.
My son is graduating from college in May. He’s super busy, with 2 full-time jobs, a final project, a new puppy, and prep for the gig after school. He warned me he’d go radio silent (and he did). No problem.
The youngest (19F) is planning a graduation party. I’ve heard nothing about time, place, or date. Perhaps she assumed I knew. Her sole text was: (Brother) doesn’t want (partner) at his graduation.
I know my ex will be there, and I’d rather not see him. It’s a three-hour drive each way, plus a hotel. Graduations are super boring. And, frankly, my feelings are hurt.
WIBTJ if I asked my son if he desperately wanted me there — I’ll go if he does — but if not, just made plans to celebrate with him later?
Also, how do I tell my daughter, girl that was a rude start to the convo, and that ain’t like you?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Sorry to break this to you, but you’re a mother before all else. Describing your relationship with your kids as ‘I’m closer to an aunt than a mom’ is just sad. Have you ever stopped to think that you’re projecting the hostility you have toward your ex onto your kids? Your kids sound like they want you in their lives and care about how you’re being treated in regard to your partner and it sounds like that annoys you.
If your son doesn’t want your partner at his graduation/graduation party, too bad. Use this time to spend some quality time with your kids instead.
Proud of you for escaping an abusive, narcissist, but don’t blame your kids for wanting a relationship with both their parents.
Do better.” vicariousventing
Another User Comments:
“This is a very YTJ and an NTJ situation.
You’re the jerk for not putting your kids first, starting with the divorce proceedings.
I understand your ex was probably quite relentless with custody, but seriously. How hard did you actually try for at least 50/50 if you’re more of an aunt to your own children?
You’re not the jerk for keeping the status quo. However, if you choose to do so and continue letting your kids take a backseat to your life. Then just let them go. They are adults now, don’t force any kind of relationship with you on them.
And don’t get mad if they just go radio silent one day.
If you actually want a relationship with your kids, then go to the graduation and start acting like a mother.
For the vote, as of right now. YTJ.” ondinemonsters
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
So are your feelings being hurt over your partner not being invited more important than your son’s feelings being hurt if you don’t show up to his GRADUATION?! You can spare a day or two without your partner being there for your kids.
You’re an adult. And who cares if graduations are boring, of course, they are! But it’s your son’s big day, so suck it up and drive the 3 hours. Or fly if you don’t want to drive, I don’t care.
I understand you don’t want to see your ex after what you’ve gone through, but don’t punish your kid’s accomplishments and miss a milestone of his young life because of it. You do not have to be near your ex. You just sound like you’re giving excuses. Be better than that.” hotmessdomination
I also completely understand how you ended up in this situation with a narcissistic ex who would've groomed the kids to spend more time with them. He may or may not be a good dad (not enough info) but the kids were old enough to see what was happening and some ex's control the kids to hurt the other parent.
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