People Get Nervous About Their Behaviour In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
26. AITJ For Not Enforcing The 10 Pm Rule On My Suite Mate's Noisy Partner?
“I would like to start by saying my suite mate (19F) and I (18F) are not friends. We are two people who share a space together, so none of this affects our friendship in any way.
This started about a month ago when she first moved in. She asked if I was okay with her partner (19M) coming over, and I said yes, as long as I was told beforehand. However, he is here all the time and at all hours of the night without any warning.
I don’t like it because even though we don’t share a room, we share a very thin wall. So when they’re engaging in intimate activities on the walls and yelling at all hours of the night, it started getting on my nerves.
After a week, I asked her if he could leave by 10 p.m. on school nights, and she fully agreed. This agreement lasted 2 days, and then he was back to staying over. I didn’t mention anything until about 3 days ago when I sent her another message, essentially reiterating my boundaries and concerns.
We had a long discussion about it, and she once again fully agreed to the 10 p.m. on school nights limit. However, last night I watched him sneak in at around 11, and he did not leave until early this morning.
Here’s where I may be AITJ.
1) I never confront her immediately when she begins bringing her partner over again. She does tend to try to sneak when she knows it’s wrong (i.e., her partner coming in yesterday or trying to whisper after 10 [emphasis on trying. This lasts 10 minutes and I can still hear them]), but I never address it because, outside of the partner situation, she’s not a bad suite mate and I don’t want to ruin that or have a true horror story for the rest of the year.
So she might not even know just how much this is bothering me. 2) She admitted that he’s over so often partly because she’s having a hard time, and I completely sympathize with that. I also don’t want to make her time harder with a jerk who says he can’t be here for her when she struggles.
I feel like I am backed into a corner with only one route left, so WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you need to stop dragging your feet. She’s basically agreeing because she’s not listening and you aren’t really forcing her to. The fact is, they can text or talk on the phone or she can go stay with him, but if his being there is significantly disrupting your ability to sleep, then you need to be more strict with your expectations.
And as a light sleeper myself, I’d be a monster if I were being kept awake, especially because it takes me forever to fall asleep or go back to sleep once awakened. Start immediately texting or knocking on her door when she breaks the boundary.
Do not wait for days because that’s only making it worse. Good luck.” NoHouse1530
Another User Comments:
“You are being too meek here. She is pretending to listen to your concerns, just to steamroll over them. As you are in a dorm, first tell the RA.
You have tried to address it yourself; it didn’t work. Second, make it very unpleasant for her to have her partner over. When they make noise, make more noise. If you hear banging, bang on the walls yourself. They think you are a pushover.” Square-Minimum-6042
25. AITJ For Making My Daughter House My Unkempt Brother Despite Helping With Her Down Payment?
“I have a daughter and 2 sons from my ex.
My sons are 31 and 35, and my daughter is 29. My elder son and daughter have their own places. My daughter lives alone in a three-bedroom apartment and has openly said she doesn’t want a family and is unlikely to ever get married after having gone out with jerks.
She owns the place and has a very good salary as she is an engineer.
My younger son is married and has a two-year-old with another kid on the way. My elder son lives with me and doesn’t work. He has struggled with depression and is significantly overweight to the point of needing help getting bathed. Because of this, his health isn’t the best, and he can’t find a job.
He cannot stand for long, and when he tried working in fast food, it didn’t work out. He doesn’t have a high school diploma, which makes things harder.
My partner has expressed wanting to move in with me, but for privacy, she wants my son to move out first. Since I helped out with my daughter’s down payment, I thought it would be reasonable to ask my daughter to take him in.
I could tell she wasn’t very happy about it, but she eventually agreed. I said I’d find some hired help for bathing him.
I dropped him off there, and it has only been 2 weeks, and she is now upset with me and arguing with me to take him back.
I haven’t yet found the hired help, and she is upset he hasn’t bathed properly and says he is a slob and doesn’t do any chores. While he does eat a lot, I’ve not really found him to be a slob, and my housekeeper has never complained about it.
I think she is exaggerating and her main issue is that she is embarrassed of being seen with him, as I know that during the past 2 weeks she didn’t have her friends over on the weekends like she normally does, and she told my niece she doesn’t want to when he is around.
She suggested having him go to her other brother’s place, but that’s not realistic as he has a wife and children, and even splitting his time there would be difficult. She also lives closer to me, so it is easier for me to help out.
I refused to do so and reminded her that I helped her with the down payment. She said she’d pay me back and can do so right now if I want to, but that’s still help since she didn’t have the funds back then, and I’m not taking any interest on it.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your HOUSEKEEPER didn’t complain, so you don’t think he’s a slob? The person you pay to clean didn’t complain about cleaning? You enabled your son to become the way he is, and now want your daughter to “repay” you by committing to permanently being her brother’s caretaker?
In what way is that fair? Your choices, and your son’s choices, are not, and should not be, your daughter’s problem. Find someplace else for him to live, & pay for a caretaker. It might cut into your budget for other servants, but you’ll live.” Hightower840
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re a BIG jerk. Did you make it a condition of your down payment gift to your daughter that she would be expected to house her brother when you’re tired of living with him? NO WAY YOU DIDN’T. She wouldn’t have accepted your money.
It wasn’t part of the arrangement, and in order not to inconvenience your partner, you’ve decided to severely inconvenience your daughter. YOU ARE THE PARENT HERE. NOT HER. It is not her responsibility to house her brother if he cannot house himself. The down payment was NOT a gift if it came with strings attached, strings she didn’t even know were attached. This is a bait and switch.
If you want your son out of YOUR house, you need to find a situation for him that does not impact the lives of your other children.” KBD_in_PDX
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You shouldn’t ruin your daughter’s life for your convenience. It’s your son, not hers.
It was on you to help your son get help a long time ago and get his high school diploma, and also manage his weight. You tricked her and said that you would get her help for bathing and other things, but didn’t make it happen.
Your housekeeper didn’t complain because you’re paying them. Get a grip and take responsibility.” MariKJa
24. AITJ For Not Paying For The Entire Laptop My Partner Wanted?
“For some context, my partner and I are long-distance and live 3.5 hours away from each other by plane. I started my first job a few months ago. He’s still studying and is struggling to find a part-time job.
We got into an argument about a week ago (it was about him blocking me on TikTok).
Afterward, he apologized, but he became extremely closed off in the days after. He barely texted me, stopped calling me, etc. He told me our argument made him feel depressed and lonely (he actually has a history of mental health struggles).
I kept checking in, letting him know I’m here for him and that I care about him (despite still feeling hurt over how he handled the argument, honestly).
I asked him a few times to call or play some video games with me, but he said his energy was low and that he didn’t want to. He told me he wasn’t eating much, which worried me, so I offered to order him food, which he didn’t want to.
I assured him that I’m here if he needs me.
One evening, he was a bit more responsive again, so we texted for a while. He expressed once more how lonely he was, mentioning that his classes are starting again next week and that he’s probably going to fail some classes because he currently doesn’t own a laptop, and how sad he is that nobody is there for him to help him pull through.
I told him that we should focus on getting him the laptop if that would make him feel better. I did some research and sent him links to some suitable laptops (also some nice secondhand ones around his neighborhood) and told him I’d help pay for it.
He declined my help and said the specs of those laptops weren’t good enough anyway.
After a while, he sent me a link from Amazon to one that was more expensive. Again, I offered to help pay for it, but he rejected, saying it’s too late anyway because he is borrowing money from a friend.
He made some comments like “it’s interesting to see who will actually pull through for me.” So that’s when I figured that the problem was that I didn’t pay for all of his laptop and only offered to pay half. But he doesn’t really express things easily.
I usually have to fish for it or read between the lines.
He continued with “I don’t like it that you like seeing me in pain and do nothing about it”, “you need to be more selfless”, and then he gave me a list of the things I’m doing wrong and what I should be doing instead.
I reminded him that I bought him new earbuds for Christmas and paid half of his new phone a few months ago, but it’s as if he is so hurt that he will just not acknowledge anything I do. I asked him if my mental support is useless too, to which he says that he appreciates my encouragement and affection, but at the same time, he tells me it doesn’t actually help him and “he needs actions over words”.
Maybe I should’ve taken the initiative to just buy him the laptop. I genuinely don’t know anymore whether I’m indeed just acting too selfish. AITJ for not just getting him the laptop?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It sounds like you’re in love and want to help, but he knows that and is using your feelings to manipulate you.
He gave you a list of what you need to do and buy for him to be happy. He needs “actions” over words… Affection and encouragement aren’t enough, meaning: you need to buy me things (and this isn’t going to end either) – if you buy him a laptop, he will need a tablet, headphones, a new computer chair, a jacket, etc. As an experiment, what you should do is back off – completely.
“It hurt me when you blocked me on TikTok, and I need some time to think about where this relationship is going – because it seems one-sided.” If he responds with more “me-me-me” instead of “What can I do for you”? It’s a good indication that he’s just using you.
I know it hurts and you don’t want to believe it, but it’s better to find out sooner rather than later. Give him enough space to reveal his true intentions and stop offering to help him.” carmabound
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. In no way, shape or form should you feel guilty about what you’ve done so far.
Putting aside the financial help you’ve given to him, you’ve clearly demonstrated how you’re emotionally engaged with him and his situation. You’re offering him help both financially and emotionally. Others are suggesting breaking up with this guy as they feel he’s using you. That might well be the case.
At least have a proper conversation with him and see how that goes. If he’s not going to commit to changing his attitude toward you, then you know what you need to do. Good luck.” TheFlyingMunkey
23. AITJ For Putting An End To My Partner's Friends' 5AM Sea Dares?
“I (24F) have been with my partner (23M) for around 18 months. He has a close friendship group consisting of around 7/8 guys who have all been friends throughout school—some of these friendships have been since they were 4 years old, but most of them are a good 10+ years old.
I cannot obviously speak for every group of male friends, but I always find the dynamic of these groups to be quite sibling-like, especially when they have grown up together. They bicker and complain about each other a lot and are all quite different people outside their shared interests in drinking, football, and playing playstation.
I see these guys genuinely every week and would consider us “friends” now.
We are all going to Marbella in a few weeks’ time. It was suggested, as we got a little older—mostly between me and the other partners—to do a big group trip, since we all hang out together a lot and it saves that jealous/stressed out week while your partner is on a “lads holiday.”
The issue is that my partner is used as the bait for all the jokes. When they went to Zante last year (only the guys went), they got him out of bed at 4/5 a.m. and threw him in the sea every single night. Due to this becoming a running joke, the three of them who like to do it have made it their mission to tell me at every possible opportunity that this holiday will be no different.
I get that it’s a lads’ holiday, and maybe I’ve ruined it slightly by adding women to the mix and doing a group one. But for a trip I’ve paid over £1000 for? I do not want to be awoken at 5 a.m. to men grappling in my bed. I also like to sleep without clothes, which I have told them several times, only to be met with dumb jokes and “I don’t care, I’m not looking at you” comments.
My partner had tried to tell them no—they do not listen and do not care. So I told them myself, as I’m slightly more aggressive in tone, which was met with comments that I was controlling and boring. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I’d be looking into your options re getting your deposit money back and not going on the trip, or finding different housing that they don’t know the address to and can’t break into because there’s a doorman and they don’t have the key, etc. You set a reasonable boundary and they’ve made it clear they will not respect it.
Listen to people who tell you who they are. If you go forward with the trip, you’ll have the dresser in front of the door trying to keep them out and they’ll climb in the window…” smallpurplesheep
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but this group of guys sounds insufferable.
I would get a door alarm and security lock. Keep to yourselves during the trip and do your own activities, then never plan anything with them again. Men only start making comments about women being boring/aggressive when they’ve been called out for bad behavior.
Keep calling them on it. Your partner is a person, not the butt of a joke.” pug1c0rn
Another User Comments:
“If it’s a lads’ holiday they can act as lads. If it’s a partners’ holiday, the expectations should be respectful of the different mix of people.
The problem is that you have described in your post the first scenario when you say “I get it’s a lads’ holiday” and worse still, you accept and are comfortable to accept that you “ruined it slightly.” I don’t want to argue with you, so on this basis, YTJ.” Famous_Specialist_44
22. AITJ For Jumping Ship On My Roommates In An Unequal Rent Situation?
“I (23 F) am currently living with two other girls (22 F) in a 3-bedroom apartment. The two of them have been best friends for years, and I joined them on this lease to move into the city.
We’re all very friendly and live pretty well together; however, we split the rent in a way that results in me paying $200 more than one and $400 more than the other.
This division was originally agreed upon for a different apartment than the one we ended up in (we got outbid), where I would have had a much larger room than them both and the sizes of our rooms would have reflected what we were paying.
However, when that apartment didn’t work out, we found one that we liked, but it didn’t have the same room differences—except that one room was smaller than the other two. I agreed to the same division because I work from home and figured I would be the one making the most use of the place; I was also desperate to move out of my parents’ house.
Now that lease renewal season is upon us, I’ve talked with my roommates about staying in the apartment. I originally agreed that I’d like to stay, but I told them that I will not pay any more in rent if it increases, because the disparity between us is so high.
The problem now is that I have friends in the city who are moving into a house and want me to join them. This is appealing to me because, first, the house is awesome and I’d love to live with my friends; and second, it would be substantially cheaper for me to live there.
However, if I were to leave my current apartment situation, I’d be leaving my roommates out to dry due to potentially rising rent and their inability to pay more.
I have a huge guilt complex about the idea of leaving them out to dry like this, especially because I put myself in this payment situation and agreement, but I also know that they would both go for an opportunity like this if the roles were reversed and it was offered to them.
So, would I be the jerk for jumping ship?”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you should consider jumping ship. I think that if it is in your financial interest to go with this new living situation you should take it; also, if you are looking to move into this room with these people you want to live with, I cannot think of any other reasons why you shouldn’t.
You deserve to live by your own decisions. Do not be weighed down by how other people may perceive you.” Splonkeyduck
Another User Comments:
“Of course you’re NTJ! The lease hasn’t been renewed yet, right? And you’ll give them some decent notice, right? So they can figure it out.
Get in another roommate (or two), move, step up their own rent shares. They’ve been having it pretty good with your super sized payments, but surely didn’t expect that to last forever. Last, but not least, you are right that they wouldn’t feel much guilt or pain at leaving you holding the rent bag if they got a better opportunity.” CatteNappe
21. AITJ For Skipping My Father's Memorial Due To My Health Risks?
“My father passed away a year ago. I was extremely close to him all my life. In his last few months, he had extreme dementia and only I could calm him down or bring him back to reality. For months after his death, I couldn’t sleep at night as I was used to listening for his movements at night in case he needed help.
This is all to say that I don’t hold any grudges against him and I still love him a lot.
You see, when he passed away, none of our extended family was able to visit for either the funeral or the memorial function we held in our town because we live about 8 hours away by flight.
Most of his cousins, etc., are in their 80s and are unable to travel. His first death anniversary is coming up, and we decided to hold a memorial service in his hometown. My sister still lives there, so we decided to hold this function at her place.
Again, I have nothing against my sister. We have our sibling disagreements, etc., but we both love each other a lot. My mother is traveling to her city to host the function. The problem is, I have a severe lung condition and I need oxygen support for any exertion beyond half an hour.
If I undertake this trip, I am likely to either be bedridden for several days, if not hospitalized. Plus, the pollution levels in my sister’s city are extremely high and even if I’m able to make the trip successfully, the pollution would play havoc with my lungs.
I’m also severely immunocompromised. Due to all this, I told my mother and sister that I would stay back and join them on Zoom or via video call.
Now, my mother is getting a lot of flak from her friends and some extended relatives, saying that it is disrespectful for me not to attend.
Some are saying that she’s depriving me of paying my last respects. I have tried convincing my mother to let the flying monkeys be alone. But she’s taking a lot of stress about this. Should I give in and travel with her? I know she’ll be much less anxious about me being alone, but she’ll be stressed about me falling sick at any moment.
I am in two minds. WIBTJ if I miss the function?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I would stop letting people dictate what you can and can’t do due to your health. Just let the flak come in and let your mom redirect it onto you for her sake.
You’re not going to convince a series of 80-year-olds that you’re right and they’re wrong.” Petefriend86
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You have a medical condition that is exacerbated with long-distance travel, so there is no disrespect by you for not going. But there is a whole lot of disrespect from your relatives who seem to want to make you suffer or make your condition worse or even die.
Get a note from your doctor and send it to them, and then tell them to please be quiet.” Mustng1966
20. AITJ For Refusing An $800 Non-Attendance Fee And Ruining A Surprise?
“I’m not sure which end of this I’m on here, so please help.
I, 23F, agreed to be a bridesmaid for a dear friend in my college sorority, also 23F. She’s wealthy, but extremely nice and never made an issue of my lack of funds. She’s always been really kind and respectful of that in many ways. When she asked me to be a bridesmaid, she made it very clear she was going to pick affordable dresses and nothing else would be required except showing up.
Awesome.
Her sister is a different story; we’ll call her Maddie. She’s never liked me and has always looked down on those less fortunate. She didn’t come to the appointment to pick bridesmaid dresses. She is to be the maid of honor and has a different dress anyway.
All of us bridesmaids went out after the appointment to have drinks and hang out. We called this the bachelorette, and all chipped in so the bride didn’t have to pay. It seemed fine at the time, and fun was had.
Then Maddie planned a bachelorette for a Vegas long weekend that would cost $1500 per person.
I declined as I couldn’t afford this. The bride was fine with this and knew I couldn’t. Then Maddie sent me a bill for, and the math doesn’t add up, $800. This is the non-attendance fee for the bridesmaids to cover the bride. I’m very confused and can’t afford this either.
Here’s where I may be the jerk; I texted the bride asking if this was really required. If it were, I’d need to drop out because I can’t afford it. The bride was horrified and assured me that this was not required and, if it was really needed, she’d pay the bill herself, as she didn’t want any of us who were on a budget to be stressed by her wedding.
So now my phone is being blown up by Maddie, screaming at me about ruining the surprise and stressing the bride with things before the wedding that were supposed to be just fun for her. I can kind of see that, but I also can’t afford to pay, and Maddie says I still must pay or drop out.
Part of me thinks she’s just trying to get those of us who aren’t on her level (something said in the past) to drop out. But I did ruin the surprise. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maddie is one thought, and she’s clearly doing everything in her power to make sure you’re not a bridesmaid to her sister’s marriage anymore.
The $1500 weekend, the $800 non-participating fee, all is done for you to quit. So if your friend is really important to you, ignore her sister, and stay strong.” LeSaunier
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Firstly, you didn’t know that the bride was not paying for the Vegas trip was a surprise, so why wouldn’t you ask her?
Secondly, in my experience, costs for the bride/groom on these things, if they are being covered, are handled by the people who agree to go, not those who don’t. Thirdly, if Maddie asks for the money again, give her a two-word answer, the second of which is ‘off’.
She has no right to demand that kind of money from you for something you aren’t part of. Plus, I don’t know how many people are going to Vegas, but for $800, I wouldn’t be surprised if Maddie isn’t trying to cover her own costs too.” sjw_7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maddie seems to be the one who tries to stress the bride by doing it her way. Maybe talk to the other bridesmaids about how they feel about Maddie. So this won’t happen to more of you, who would rather drop out than do what you did.
Also, if the bride is your dear friend, maybe try talking to her about this. Not in a way that says ‘stop Maddie or we drop out,’ but rather something like, ‘I’m sorry to bother you, and I don’t expect you to do anything.
I just want you to know about these things, in case you weren’t aware—which is okay. Your wedding, your rules. And if you asked Maddie to be the bad guy, then everything is fine.’ And then tell her about this harassment by Maddie, in a hopefully neutral way or just let her read the messages.” Trevena_Ice
19. AITJ For Dodging Summer Vacation Invitations Due To My SIL’s Dysfunctional Love Life?
“First, some background information, sorry long post: We are visiting my husband’s family every year in summertime (they live in another country, 1600 km away from us).
Often, we took an additional round-trip (500 km) to meet up with his sister and family. Even though a trip during a trip was very exhausting, we did her the favor as she had 2 children (we have one) and we knew she likes to entertain.
2.5 years ago, around her 20th marriage anniversary, she called us in tears, completely devastated because her marriage was over.
Instantly, we thought her husband (3 years younger) had left her. But no, she was leaving him; she had already bought a 120 sqm flat and planned to move out 3 days before Xmas. Her reasons were vague and did not really justify her drastic move. Months later, she stated „lacking proximity“ as the main reason.
Four months after leaving her husband (who we now know was very much taken by surprise), she presented her new partner to the family. It was a colleague from work she had been „friends with for 2 years“. Of course, we thought he was the reason for her marriage breakdown, but didn’t comment.
One of her kids didn’t cope well with the situation, but she blamed all his distress on school and not finding friends, …
Timelapse last year: My SIL (49) was fed up with the „flat life“, bought a house, and put pressure on her partner (63) to give up his flat and lifestyle and to move in with her (he is divorced with 3 adult children and some grandchildren, likes being in nature, and enjoys alone time for his hobby, illustrating books).
Her 2 boys would continue to alternate staying with mom and dad (weekly change). Her partner is a kind, calm, and intellectual person, but we don’t know him too well.
Finally, they moved in together in November. When my husband met her in December at their parents’ house, she told him that this relationship was not going to work.
My husband (53), who knows his sister well, was shocked. She must have had a history of falling in love, being enthusiastic, and, after a short time, dumping the guy.
In parallel, we see her partner posting happy pictures on social media, and his comments show that he is very much in love with her.
During a phone call, my SIL invited us to spend summer vacation with her; she is very eager to entertain us in her new home.
We are torn and don’t know how we can ever act normal as guests in their home, knowing that the poor guy has no idea that he is already on the exit line.
AITJ (meaning my hubby + me) for finding lame excuses to not spend time with them? My husband doesn’t like conflict and avoids confronting his sister as she can be very assertive and snappy.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds very not relaxing.” PoppyStaff
18. AITJ For Ignoring A Friend’s Drama While My Husband Battles Cancer?
“My husband has been going through cancer treatments for the last six months. It is not an understatement when I say this has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life.
The last month has been especially tough with his pain and trying to work, take care of our 3 girls (D17, SD 12, SD 10), take care of the house, make meals, and everything else. This friend didn’t reach out to me to see how things were going for almost 2 months, and only recently started talking again.
I didn’t reach out because I felt like she didn’t care about what I was going through, and I had plenty on my plate at the time. Fast forward to this last week, she broke up with a guy she had been seeing for a few months.
It has been petty drama, and crap. She gets upset at the tiniest things and then blows up at him and expects him to listen and be open-minded.
She sends a barrage of text messages all at once, and wants me to immediately weigh in so she can reply to him.
They broke up a few days ago, but they’re still going back and forth trying to get the other to see their side of things. They are both being extremely stubborn and have dug in their heels. She isn’t going to get him to concede or apologize any more than it’s going to happen with her apologizing to him.
A couple of days ago, I told her that she should just block him and move on so she can have some peace and heal.
I’ve been ignoring her texts somewhat and not responding much over the last couple of days because it has been a really bad weekend for my husband.
I’m getting close to snapping at her and telling her to stop being so selfish, to grow up, and that the situation is at least half her fault, if not more, because she doesn’t know how to have a mature and healthy relationship.
Of course, I know actually saying that won’t help, so I don’t.
I have enough on my plate caring for my husband, and our 3 girls come back tomorrow evening. AITJ for not caring about her petty drama right now?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You gave your advice, and it’s up to her if she takes it. If she’s a good friend, she will understand if you are having a tough time also, and cannot be there for her constantly. Explaining that to her is easy if you have a good friendship.
It’s hard when you care about someone, but your own life evidently needs prioritising. It also sounds like you are agitated by her not taking advice and don’t want to hear about how she is handling her relationships. Fair enough.” Repulsive_Water_5854
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People only have so many f’s to give, and right now, your capacity for care is rightfully taken up by your immediate family’s needs. That’s not to say she isn’t allowed to have her own issues she worries about. Hopefully she’s just venting and doesn’t get angry at you for not being fully there for her drama.” yanivelkneivel
Another User Comments:
“Thank you all for your input. This morning I received numerous screenshots of her back-and-forth convo. It’s too much to unpack and comment on. I have no idea what I’m going to say back right now but I’m going to let it sit for a bit.
DH has a big test today at the hospital, but we won’t know the details until mid-week. Needless to say, we’re a bit worried and distracted at the moment.” Fickle-Bet1334
17. AITJ For Refusing To Bring My Toddler To Mass When MIL Is Unreliable?
“I (30 F) am getting married at the end of the year to my partner (31 M). We have been together for 11 years. He is a devoted Midwestern Catholic. He goes to church every Sunday, participates in and helps with the church bazaar, etc. He is also the organist and choir director.
He usually only plays once a month, but the other director has left to go south for the winter, so he plays every weekend. I have gone to Mass occasionally. I grew up Catholic, but I consider myself agnostic now and don’t believe in the religion.
The problem is: We have an 18-month-old child together. My SO always wanted kids, while I was more hesitant. We had her, and I was a stay-at-home mom for a year. I love the little stinker. Before she was born, we agreed to raise her Catholic.
My SO was to take her to Mass with him and ask his mom or someone else to help watch her on the days he had to play. He did not ask until recently. Prior to this weekend, he would bring her up in the choir loft and watch her.
The weekends he had to play, either I watched her in the loft or I stayed home with her. My SO is the youngest in the choir by more than a decade. The choir folk love our child, but it would be unfair to ask them to take care of her.
There is also no Sunday school care.
He finally asked his mother to watch her this weekend. She did not want to go into the loft with our child and instead wants her to sit quietly in a pew. I’m worried that this isn’t going to work out, as she usually walks around and plays during Mass.
When MIL came to pick up our child, she commented on how, if it doesn’t work out, I’ll just have to come to Mass to watch our child.
Would I be the jerk if it doesn’t work out and I say no to going to church with her (saying no to my SO?
I know it is not my MIL’s responsibility to watch our child)?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Husband has a lot of options here: 1) Leave the kid at home. 2) Tell his mom that if she’s watching the kid, she has to be in the loft. 3) Quit/take a break until the kid is old enough to sit still.
4) Hire an outside babysitter who will sit in the loft. One of the options is not ‘make an agnostic wife go to Mass,” jadeariel12
16. AITJ For Not Refunding Concert Upgrade Money Despite The Snowstorm?
“I (19F) invited my friend (19F) to a concert of an artist I had introduced her to.
I bought the tickets months in advance when they went on sale because I didn’t want them to sell out. I bought her ticket as well as mine—her birthday was coming up, and I decided this would be her present.
The next day, my friend’s partner (17M) (who lives with her and her family) asked me if it would be okay to tag along.
He said he would buy his own ticket. (Side note: the venue was 18+ and he was considering bringing a fake to get in). Later on, he discovered the VIP tickets and said, “I could get us all VIP. See if you can get an upgrade on your tickets.” I confirmed with him, “You give me the $120 so I can upgrade my friend’s and my tickets?” He said yes.
The date of the concert rolls around. Unfortunately, due to us being in the North, a snowstorm hit the day before the concert. The roads might have been clear the next day, but it was hard to tell. My friend and her partner were snowed in and were unable to drive to the concert, let alone come pick me up, too (they offered to drive when I bought the tickets because I don’t have a car).
After I understood we weren’t going and began to dwell, my friend’s partner texted me and asked if I could give his $120 back for the tickets since we weren’t using them. He reasoned that he spent $200 (for all 3 VIP tickets and his own ticket), and I had only spent $60 on my friend’s and my own tickets.
I told him that buying tickets for a concert during winter was risky because of the weather, and that I would not be giving him money for tickets that I could not use, nor for tickets that I did not buy. I told him that I had made the decision to buy normal tickets for my friend and me, and that he was the one who decided to buy VIP tickets for all of us.
I felt like I stood my ground properly, but I lost both of them as friends. AITJ for not giving him the $120?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ he inserted himself into your plans. If the weather had been fine, he would have gotten you kicked out because he’s underage.
Don’t do anything with him again involving money.” [deleted]
15. AITJ For Storming Off After My Family Predicted My Divorce?
“For context, I (24M) was at a family gathering yesterday, and we were talking about the future when the topic of marriage came up.
I see myself getting married sometime in the next five years, but my sister (30) and mother (51) disagree. It started when the three of us were in the kitchen having a civil discussion, but somehow it ended with both of them attacking my character and personality.
They both ended up saying something along the lines of me not being man enough, along with a lot of hurtful things.
From their POV, I’m not mature enough to be a good husband. In my POV, I have my own car, my own apartment, and in a couple of months, I’ll graduate as an engineer.
They have no right to say these things to me. And it’s not like I have a history of being reckless. I don’t drink or do substances whatsoever.
What broke the camel’s back is when my mother said, “You’ll get married, but you’ll end up divorced in a couple of months, and your child is going to grow up in two homes.” Then I told them, “I promise that I will never in my life talk to you about this ever again,” and then I stormed off, and the whole family saw me angrily walking out the door.
I didn’t slam any doors. I didn’t shout at anyone. Granted, I did raise my voice a bit at them with my last words. The thing is that they both took it as me saying that I will not invite them to any future wedding because I promised that I will never discuss my future plans regarding marriage.
They think that because I am known to hold grudges and keep my promises.
They are upset with me because I raised my voice at them, and because my angrily leaving and leaving early means that I’m figuratively turning my back on my family. I am upset because they disrespected me and were basically talking as if they knew the future.
The rest of the family is upset at the three of us because we ruined the family gathering.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Wow. Sounds like a toxic family worthy of going no contact. Mom & sis were spiteful so you removed yourself from the situation.
The rest of the family thinks you should endure anything so they aren’t made uncomfortable. You want a healthy marriage? Focus on your future, leave your negative past behind you. Bring forward only those things or people that build you up. And don’t marry someone like your mother.
Best wishes.” Klutzy_District_5270
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Some people like to manipulate others by shaming them, that’s all this is. Women (and men probably, but my experience as a man is with women) will gang up and try to shame men into being “real men.” Which means more like whatever they want you to be for their own benefit.
Anyone who likes to manipulate via shame, I keep distance from.” Ok_Sleep8579
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – they are giving you a hard time because they don’t want to admit that they were the jerk. They are going to blame-switch and make you look like the bad guy when, in reality, they’re the jerk.
You’re all good, OP. One day you WILL find someone that sees you for you and will fall in love with that and you will have a long and happy life together. Congrats on graduating and best of luck!” slap-a-frap
14. AITJ For Needing A Day Off Even After Helping My GF With Everything?
“I spent last weekend helping my partner get ready for an event. I spent my Saturday in its entirety clothes shopping with her for the perfect outfit and helping her set up for the event (which was pretty miserable for me, I hate clothes shopping).
On Sunday, I spent a decent portion helping her once again with that same event.
This weekend, I spent Saturday with her helping her get materials to seal off cracks to prevent bugs from coming in, which she has had difficulty with, and comforting her over the loss of her friend.
On Sunday, I spent time with her helping her seal off places where bugs could come in with Sikaflex, fire caulk, aluminum mesh, and spray foam, depending on where the cracks were located, and I did her grocery shopping because she wasn’t feeling well.
Today, being Monday and a holiday where I’m at, I wanted some time to myself to relax (which I had informed her about yesterday, and she wasn’t okay with) but today I was bombarded with guilt tripping until I felt I had to turn off my phone to get away from it.
After turning it back on, I was called toxic and told to “own my guilt.”
I work about 40 hours a week, and the boss normally gives me weekends off. I don’t feel it’s reasonable to expect me to basically work another part-time job in helping her, and literally never get a day off to relax.
(She wanted me to do her and her kids’ dishes and help her make food last night, as well as who knows what today.) I just needed a day, or at least some time to relax. If she had asked me in a way that wasn’t guilt-tripping, I would have helped her today, but not first thing.
The guilt tripping makes me not even want to speak to her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But seriously, you need to re-evaluate your life choices here. This woman is hard work, and expects you to be on call for her all the time. You are entitled to have some time to yourself and not be made to feel bad about that.
Then you throw in that she has 4 kids? This is a lifetime of everything being about her, her kids, and her own conditions. It’s never going to be about you.” alien_overlord_1001
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like you’re helping her with her job and not only around the house.
She sounds like she needs an assistant. It’s cool you’re willing to do all this stuff for her, but if you’re like, ‘Okay babe, I need a break and time to myself,’ and she shows her fangs AFTER you did everything for her… well….
Why are you there? Sounds like she doesn’t appreciate anything you have been doing and that you should be at her beck and call every minute of the day. Kids or not, this isn’t healthy. You need to tell her your boundaries and stick to them.
If she doesn’t want to adhere to them, then don’t adhere to the relationship. Keep it pushing. If she does then great, just don’t back down.” No_Material5630
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you ain’t married and also, don’t get married to this woman. It sounds like this may not be the relationship for you.
Get out sooner rather than later. She is the toxic one. Her behavior after you said no is completely unacceptable. I don’t care what her numerous illnesses are (also super hard to believe she has them all at once); she has them and she needs to deal with them.
Hire help, hire a handyman, teach her kids to help out with dishes, cleaning, etc. because it’s not your responsibility. It sounds like you are being used. Get out now because this is only going to get worse.” Top-Butterfly-9582
13. AITJ For Splitting My Christmas Bonus Despite My Partner's Expectation For More?
“So, for context, I work an average job, and my partner is autistic, so she doesn’t work at the moment. This year, I received a Christmas bonus in the form of a gift card for around €430.
A year ago, my partner received a Christmas bonus of around €200 in grocery vouchers from her workplace.
So when I received my bonus, I made it clear that I wanted to get my partner something with it because it would make me feel better and serve as repayment, as she had gotten our groceries with her bonus the year prior.
She can be kind of awkward with money, so to make it more acceptable to her, I said I would get her one or two big things or a few smaller things. After the initial confusion about what was considered what died down, I decided to give an amount that I had set at €50 before bumping it to €70.
She then got upset, saying she didn’t think it should be under €100, which I thought was fair as I was only reducing the amount so she’d be more comfortable, as I said before, because she can be awkward about gifting and amounts spent on her.
She wouldn’t accept this amount, and eventually, a conversation started with me stating that the most I would want to give her was half. She was then very upset by this and said that she wouldn’t have thought about it like this, and that she wouldn’t struggle to spend the money.
She is now sending me money back for most things I buy her, and I’m conflicted because I don’t know what I’ve done wrong here.
In my eyes, half would cover more than she would have spent on me with her prior bonus and more.
I worked a year in a retail job that gets especially busy in the October to December period due to the products we sell, so I felt like this was an acceptable amount while still giving myself a reward for the hard work. AITJ for how I handled this, or wanted to split the money?
I need a second opinion so I can try to understand if I’m at fault here!”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, it’s your bonus, so you get to decide. I would have compensated her for getting €200 worth of groceries if that’s usually a shared expense for you.
(But would have done that last Christmas). I could see setting the amount to €100 because of that or splitting in half, depending on how you usually split up costs… You don’t owe it to her, of course, but it does surprise me that you just accepted her paying for groceries with her Christmas bonus and now make a fuss about yours – come up with an amount that you find fair and let her know.
This doesn’t put her in a situation to gauge what’s reasonable, since it’s something she struggles with (if I got that right?)” Pandora2304
12. AITJ For Yelling At My Brother For His Rude Birthday Behavior?
“Today was my brother’s 16th birthday. My family is poor, like we have just enough to pay the bills each month poor.
But my brother has been spoiled and rude since our grandma passed away in May. Luckily, my papa managed to save enough money to take us to dinner for his birthday. My brother chose Mexican. We went to the place, and my brother told the server that it was his birthday.
He asked if he could get anything for free (my family does this a lot, mainly because it’s nice to have a treat sometimes, but I hate doing this) and the lady said he would get something at the end. We ate and talked. We were discussing how my papa and I are going on a trip on Monday to see my papa’s doctor, who is out of town.
My brother asked if he was going and was told no because someone needed to stay and walk the dogs. He said we could take the dogs. He was told that he was staying anyway because he went last time. He got mad, but eventually dropped it.
After we finished eating, the server brought out a Mexican dessert. I knew he shouldn’t have asked for a dessert or anything because we had gotten birthday desserts from Mexican places before and didn’t like them. Besides, my papa was already going to buy a cake.
He took one bite and said it was gross. He was being very loud, and everyone in the small restaurant definitely heard it. I took it. I had eaten a burrito and was already full, so I ate as much of it as I could and told him to shh.
He demanded the keys to the car and sat there waiting for us. Once we were done, the server asked us if we were okay and said, “I’m sorry that happened. He shouldn’t be able to talk to either of you that way.” That made me fume, since he had taken it too far.
My papa and I got into the car, and we started driving to the store to get a cake. I started yelling. I said, “You know, it is pathetic. Papa was nice and spent money he didn’t have to spend to get you dinner at a restaurant for your birthday, and you treat him like crap.”
He turned the volume up, and I said, “You can act like you can’t hear me, but I know you can.” He said he wasn’t acting like he couldn’t hear. He just didn’t care. I yelled again, “Well, you should! Papa was so nice to you, and you were a jerk!
YOU asked for the free dessert and then refused to eat it and were rude about it. You could have just left it because you didn’t like it. There was no reason for you to act like that!” After that, my brother demanded that my papa stop the car.
After a few instances of my papa saying no, he pulled into a parking lot. My brother said nothing, got out, and slammed the door. My papa left; he was very upset about the whole thing. My brother went to his friends and said I was a jerk for the whole thing on his way out.
But this isn’t the first time I’ve yelled at him for how he’s acted. So, am I the jerk..?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. It’s okay to tell someone that their behavior isn’t okay, but it’s not okay to yell and escalate an entire situation that really is between your dad and your brother.
And if your brother doesn’t want to hear what you have to say, that’s his choice. Continuing to yell won’t do anything except make your dad upset, too. What should really happen in this situation is for your dad to be the parent, not you.” blueteamoon
11. AITJ For Keeping My MIL Away From My Baby To Protect Ourselves?
“In the beginning, my mil wasn’t terrible.
She was very pushy but nice. (Pushy as in if my partner or I wouldn’t answer her calls or texts, then she’d get upset and flip out). When I was pregnant, all was good with her checking on how I was doing and blah blah.
After giving birth, our baby was in the NICU because they were born too early. As soon as we brought our baby home, it all started. She began pushing to let her babysit (nope, way too soon), disrespecting everything we said regarding the baby, saying horrible things about me, and posting on social media, saying she’s going to show me what a mean person is, that I’m keeping her from her grandbaby because I won’t let her babysit (she was still encouraged to visit).
We asked her multiple times a week if she wanted to come over to see us and the baby, and she refused and said I’m a mean person and keeping my partner and baby from her. Finally, I had enough of the crap and told my partner she’s not seeing me or the baby for a few months.
He understood and had my back. Then, after a month had by, she sees the baby once a week, but I refuse to see her. She treated me like absolute crap and I’m not going to just ignore that. My partner and the rest of his family want me to just forgive her and talk to her to start over, but I can’t bring myself to do it.
I’m still upset and hurt by everything she’s done and said, and I don’t think she should get to see me or my baby when she’s going to disrespect me constantly. But it has been a huge fight with my partner, and I don’t know what to do anymore.
Everyone now thinks I’m being a jerk by not wanting her near me. I already had to give in and let her around my baby, which makes me feel horrible because it’s like rewarding horrible behavior. I don’t want to have to feel even worse by trying to “get over it” and deal with her again.
I don’t know if I’m being a jerk or not; I’m just wanting to protect myself and my baby. I feel so depressed about this whole thing. It’s been going on for 5 months. There have been talks of us moving to the States, so maybe that space between us will help.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner should care more about how YOU are feeling than how his mom is feeling. You’re his wife. You and the baby are his family. His job is to keep y’all safe and secure. Y’all’s parents are now “extended” family and should come second.
He needs to grow up, grow a spine, and stand up for you. If this continues, your future is going to suck. Please look at the Reddit group JNMIL (Just No Mother-in-Law). They have tons of tips on how to teach a partner to see parents for what they really are, to keep you from going crazy or committing a crime.
You have valid reasons to NOT want to see this woman. He should stand beside you. Would he allow someone to treat his daughter that way? His little sister? Nope.” justcelia13
Another User Comments:
“I have shared in JNMIL and other groups the other day.
Apparently, my sweet husband shared this so I’d get notifications to subtly let me know he’s seen it. It’s no issue; he knows how I feel. He’s stood up for me, but he’s tired of the drama it’s causing with his family.
All of them are the type to argue and get over it. I’m the type to go no contact when there’s no changed behavior.” xDeadInsidex13
10. AITJ For Declining To Invite My Mom's Toxic Gf To My Birthday?
“In the past year, my mom told us she had a partner, I (28f) had to adjust to this as I had only ever known her to be with one man (my father, who passed when I was very young).
I just want my mom to be happy, and if this woman makes her happy, then I will support my mom. This woman, on the other hand, has made it very clear that she does not like me or my relationship with my mom, as we used to be close (we are no longer close due to her).
I kept an open mind, as I had known this woman before they announced their relationship. Once they announced that they were together, she became very cold towards me. She makes snarky comments if she even talks to me, or she refuses to speak to me at all.
I no longer attempt to speak with her either, as I do not want her negative attitude and toxic behavior in my life. I still support my mother’s choice, as it is her life, and if she is happy, then I am going to be happy for her… I just do not like this woman.
My husband and I have an open-door policy when it comes to significant others coming to events for our children or us. When we invite my brothers to events, we do not text them and then text their spouse to extend the same invite, as they live together, and we ask if they are coming (meaning both of them).
A little quick background: once we knew about their relationship, this woman—we will call her Karen (I don’t know her age)—began making snarky comments about my husband and me having another baby and tried to tell us what we can and cannot do while raising our children (she has no kids; my mom told her to stop).
Then, she came to my baby shower and refused to speak to me. She has come to multiple birthday parties for my kids, or for my niece and nephew, and refused to speak to me then, not even a hello or goodbye. At one event, my mother had my three-month-old baby and handed her to Karen by the pool.
Karen wasn’t paying attention and fell in the pool with my baby. After this happened, I was told I needed to make sure that Karen was okay, even though she said nothing to me about what had just happened with my baby. Karen very much controls my mom, including who she speaks to and what she can and cannot do.
My mother has changed as a person due to this controlling woman.
Now my birthday is approaching, and I have invited my mom and others to come celebrate. I am being told I have to invite this person personally. My mother and Karen live together.
I asked my mother if both of them were coming. My mother is making me personally invite Karen… I do not want to extend that olive branch.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, pretty simple, you’re setting a boundary that you don’t want this toxic woman to be around you, especially on your birthday.
I would stand firm on this; I wouldn’t hold my breath, but maybe seeing such a hard line in the sand may make your mother start seeing things differently about her partner.” An-airplane
Another User Comments:
“N TJ, I probably would not extend the invitation before any progress on a resolution with this woman.
You don’t give any indication as to why this person might be upset with you. If it really is entirely coming from her, and you don’t understand why she is behaving the way she is, I think it’s appropriate to at least ask your mother if being with this woman at the expense of the rest of her family is really what she wants.
I think it’s great you’re thinking of your mother’s happiness, but happiness is more complex than just having a SO. As her daughter, I think you’re within your rights to remind your mother to think about that.” SickDelirium
Another User Comments:
“N TJ. Kinda sounds like Karen is trying to isolate your mom from those closest to your mom.
That’s not a good thing. How does Karen behave around other people close to your mom? Has your mom said why Karen has an issue with you? Does your mom know how Karen acts towards you?” HedgieTwiggles
9. AITJ For Telling My Barista Coworker That Her Complaints Aren't Worth Sympathy?
“I’m a 22f who works at a coffee shop. Last month, a new barista started. Let’s call her Jen (28f). She has a habit of trauma dumping. Simple small talk, like asking her how her weekend was, can lead to her going into detail about some pretty upsetting stuff regarding an abusive relationship and mental health struggles.
Because of these issues, she had to leave her career (music teacher), and that’s how she ended up working with us. (The relationship ended 2 years ago; she didn’t just get out of it.)
This makes everyone very uncomfortable, but we realize she’s not in the best mental space, so we try our best to be nice.
We are a close staff who often go to dinner or hang out after work, and we always invite Jen, even though we know that she will constantly try to steer the conversation toward upsetting topics.
While I think this is unprofessional, I am more bothered by the way Jen talks about being a barista.
She constantly complains about how humiliating working at a coffee shop is, and how she hopes that no one she knows comes in. She often brags that she actually had a career, and she can’t believe she’s here. A lot of other baristas had to leave their careers for different reasons (children, divorce, mental health issues).
I think she’s being very rude and inconsiderate. Everyone has gone through rough times, not just her. We’ve tried to gently remind her of this, but she just kind of ignores us.
Here’s where I might be a jerk. One day, I was in a horrible mood at work, and Jen came in.
She began saying how much shame she has about working here. I interrupted her and said, “You know, you’re not the only one who wishes their life went differently, you’re not better than us!” She got very upset, calling me a jerk. She threatened to go to the district manager and tell her she’s being bullied. I don’t know what to do.
I feel bad I said it that way, and now I probably should have taken her aside and told her how I felt. Am I the jerk for snapping at my coworker instead of pulling her aside to have an actual conversation?”
Another User Comments:
“You are definitely NTJ. My advice would be to keep all communication with her on a professional level, dealing with only the job. You can go to dinner with your co-workers without letting her know you are going. Been there, done that. EDIT: It’s especially important you keep communication with her on a professional level when she has threatened to go to management and complain that she is being bullied. You need to tell your co-workers the same.” Snoo1560
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your manager needs to get over themselves and reprimand her. Being rude to the point that a fellow employee snaps and constantly talking about very upsetting things is not appropriate in a working environment, even a “lowly” one such as retail.
She needs a reality check and a therapist.” TinyWoodElf
8. AITJ For Expecting My Mom To Visit And Bond With Her Grandchildren?
“I moved to a different state a couple of years back, and we were four hours away from each other. In the three years we were living in that state, she visited us maybe two to three times.
Meanwhile, we made endless four-hour drives to go see her with a toddler at the time. Sometimes we wouldn’t feel welcomed in the home, and every time she actually got to spend time with her granddaughter, she would just be on her phone or would turn on the TV for her.
Sweet way of bonding with her grand-baby, right? Her excuse for not visiting often was that it was “too far a drive.” Yet, she expected us to make that drive every holiday with a toddler. If you have a toddler, you know how it is with long drives.
Fast forward to now, we live two hours away from each other (maybe 1.5, depending on traffic). We haven’t visited them because we assumed two hours was close enough for her to put in the effort to see us. But she still has not taken the time to visit me or meet her new grandson.
She didn’t text me throughout my pregnancy, wasn’t there for me during birth, didn’t congratulate me on the new baby, and she’s just nowhere to be found.
I’m assuming she’s upset with me that I don’t take my children to see her and that I’m stopping them from having a relationship, but I just don’t see why it’s my responsibility for them to have a relationship.
Shouldn’t she be the one coming to see her grandkids instead of us having to make a trip with a little kid and a baby?
She never used to call us either. I would be the one having to call her so that she could talk to my daughter.
But even then, sometimes she wouldn’t pick up.
I’m not sure why I expected much from her as a grandmother when she wasn’t the best mom to begin with. My family tries to push me to reach out to her, but I refuse.
She’s a grown woman who can communicate with me if she really wants. I’m sure that she’s making it seem that she’s the victim in this situation to our relatives, too.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would be making that drive for my daughter and my grandbaby.
You shouldn’t have to make any effort. There can’t be anything she could say that would paint her as a victim. Any real mom would have been there for you. I was with my daughter in the delivery room, and I stayed with her for a few weeks after.
I go anywhere for my children, and she should too. You are special and so are your babies, and it’s her loss if she’s not around. None of this is your fault; never let anyone tell you otherwise!!” Less_Ordinary_8516
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. All relationships are 50/50 regardless of whether or not it’s based on blood.
Your mother showed her colors to you when you were growing up and again when you made the effort to take your daughter to visit. What family is pushing you to reach out to her? Her family? Your father’s family? Your husband? Your ILs? Depending on who is pushing, find a way to tell them to back off, and if your mother wants a relationship with you or your children, she needs to make an effort.” bookworm-1960
7. AITJ For Not Talking To My Housemate Before Alerting The Landlords?
“I (28M) have been living in a house share since August, having found the room on SpareRoom. I get along pretty well with my housemates and try to stay out of any of the “typical roommate/housemate” squabbles.
I am friendly with my housemates, but we’re not friends and only really ever chat if we’re in the kitchen at the same time.
Anyways, about 2-ish months ago, I walked into the kitchen and was chatting with one of my flatmates (late 20s M).
He pulls out a substance device and asks if it’s okay if he smokes. I told him that the smell bothers me, so I’d rather he didn’t (it’s the only smell that I’m really sensitive to). He told me it doesn’t smell (it does, and he is a habitual gaslighter with my other housemates), but he accepted and didn’t smoke that time.
[For more context, I am a musical theatre performer, so I really avoid being around smokers in general.]
I work till late, so I get in around midnight on work days. On a number of occasions, I’ve walked up the stairs (our rooms are opposite each other on the first floor), and I can smell that he’s been smoking inside as the smell has seeped into the hallway and it’s not faint either.
After a few times, I decided that the next time our landlords popped in, I would let them know.
Fast forward to last week: I walked into the bathroom one morning, soon after he was in there, and I could smell that he’d been smoking with the window shut.
I could barely breathe because it was so strong. I opened the window and had to leave for a few minutes to let it air out. I decided that enough was enough, and I just texted my landlords, who responded in my favour and gave my housemate a warning.
When I saw him this morning, it was really tense, and he barely spoke to me (not that we spoke much before). I think he knows that I was the one who told the landlords and got him a warning.
Additional context: I am Canadian, he is Eastern European, and we both live in the UK.
I understand that other countries have different smoking laws/regulations (i.e., in Canada, smoking, etc. are all counted as smoking under our smoking laws, but I’m not entirely sure if they are in the UK). The house was advertised as non-smoking.
AITJ for not talking to him again before I texted the landlords?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If it’s against the rules of the house, then he should not be doing it. If he was your friend, it’s probably something you should try to fix together before going to the landlord. But he’s not, and he’s breaking the rules, and I get extremely frustrated that the apartment below me smokes all the time despite constant emails from the landlord saying not to, so I understand how annoying that can be.” FUNCSTAT
6. AITJ For Letting My Housemate Enable Her Creepy Friend?
“Last weekend, my housemate invited one of her work friends to our house for dinner. It was all very nice until this guy started drinking a bit too much and behaving weirdly. He looked at me constantly, started following me around when I got up because I felt uncomfortable, and overstayed his welcome (my housemate and I were already yawning at 1 AM, and he decided to stay until 3 AM).
And when he finally left, he thought it was perfectly okay to hug me and inappropriately touch me as a way of saying goodbye.
After that, I told my housemate that I felt iffy about him, and she agreed. But when he asked her at work if he could try to approach me, she didn’t warn him off and just said, “I don’t know if she’s interested, maybe try and see,” which felt like I wasn’t being supported by her.
It kind of stopped there for a few days because he didn’t reach out, and I thought that it was a one-time thing. This weekend, she invited him over again, and I was lucky to be going to another dinner party, so I just told her, “Text me when he goes away,” because I felt safer that way.
And when he wrote to me that day, I ignored him, which might have been wrong on my part, but I felt uncomfortable about any interaction with the guy.
The dinner party ended, she texted me, and I got back home. Everything was fine until the next morning, when she said to me that I had put her in a difficult situation because she felt that after my text she couldn’t invite her friends here anymore, that I wasn’t being empathetic, and that it would have been easier if I had told him I wasn’t interested and then seen his response.
I think this is not the way to behave when your male friend acts in an inappropriate way. She should be having this conversation with him, and not with me, because I felt like I was being harassed and acted accordingly.
I asked my other friends their opinion, and they think I was not in the wrong in this situation, but my housemate makes me feel like I wronged her and I should be apologizing, which I feel is not the case at all.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She knew you didn’t like him, but she still told him he could try to pursue you. But I think you’re going to have to be direct and tell him yourself that you’re not interested. Otherwise, he’s going to keep showing up and creeping on you.” No_Confidence5235
Another User Comments:
“ESH – You don’t owe anyone a date or to make them feel comfortable, but given this was someone your housemate works with and clearly has a friendship with, then you DO owe it to her to just be a decent person and respond to his text (or whatever).
I mean, you’re a grown-up; presumably, he texted you something like asking if you were around or something… You just ignored him. Picture if he had come to your door to see you and said, ‘Hey, so wondering if you’d like to go for coffee.’ Would you stand there and ignore him?
No. Just answer the guy, tell him thank you but you’re not interested. Then everyone and everything is fine.” Canadian_01
5. AITJ For Demanding My Mom Unfriend My Grandmother Over My Children’s Privacy?
“My grandmother and I have semi-recently (December 2022) become estranged because of years and years of selfishness and lack of respect.
I’m pregnant with baby number 2, and they could be born any day now (due Sept 13). My mother wants to post pictures of my older kid and this baby on her social media, which I didn’t mind before all this stuff went down with my grandmother.
I set boundaries stating that I don’t want my grandmother to have access to me or my children unless I get a sincere apology from her, which I have not gotten. My grandmother regularly asks my mother about my pregnancy, my older kid, and my life, to which my mother ACTUALLY UPDATES HER.
I have asked her nicely multiple times to STOP updating her about my life. I’m an adult, and if my grandmother wants to know what’s going on in my life, she can put her big girl pants on, admit her wrongs, and apologize.
I’m willing to accept an apology and change from her if she’s willing to offer it and allow her back into my life. But I am NOT okay with my mother essentially “gossiping” about me to someone I’m strictly no-contact with.
Today is my older kid’s first day of 2nd grade.
I take photos of him every year on the first and last days of school. I sent them to my mom since we’re long-distance. She posted them on her social media, which I didn’t mind until I asked my mom if she had unfriended my grandmother, to which she said “no” (even though she said she was going to).
I asked her to unfriend her again because I don’t want her to see pictures of my older kid, nor do I want her to see pictures of my new baby. It became a big deal. I told my mom that she either needs to unfriend my grandmother or she doesn’t have the privilege of posting pictures of my kids.
Simple as that. My grandmother is the type of person to “steal” photos off someone’s page and keep them for herself, post them on her page, or show them to people I don’t even know.
AITJ for standing my ground and not allowing my grandmother access to my life?
AITJ for asking my mom to unfriend her own mother on social media to protect my children and my own sanity?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here bordering ytj. Just because you fought with your grandma doesn’t mean your mother will also. Asking her to unfriend her mother is kinda jerky; it’d be different if your problem was with her posting about your children at all, but that’s not the case.
If you don’t want to have a relationship with your grandmother, then don’t. What your mother does is up to her, and your children are her grandchildren also. She’s not harming them at all.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If you don’t want her to have the pics, stop posting stuff on social media or sharing them with others.
Otherwise, accept you have little to no control over them. For you to make your problem your mother’s problem and then demand she break off contact with her own mother is completely out of line. At that point, you are punishing your own mother as much as your grandmother.” LiesTricks
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, only because you are dictating the terms of a relationship for two other people. I understand and respect your decision regarding your grandmother. But you can’t dictate who your mother is connected to online. If you can’t trust your mother to respect your boundaries, don’t update her or send her photos.
That would be a better way to handle it.” subsailor1968
4. AITJ For Losing My Cool When Mum Got Distracted By Her Phone Instead Of Helping?
“I (M23) no longer live with my parents (50F, 52M), but I visit pretty often since I live about 25 minutes away. Recently, my mum told me that she needed help moving a few things (pretty heavy stuff that she can’t move herself, and my father won’t help because he has problems with his back), and just help out a little bit around the house.
Lately, I’ve been kinda busy with work (everyone coming back to the office in Europe, kids go to school next week after summer, etc.), but I agreed nonetheless because I thought it wouldn’t take much time.
When I arrived, I immediately thought it would take the whole afternoon because there was a lot of work to do.
Well, I was already there, so whatever. After 15 minutes of work, I needed my mum to help me lift something, but she was nowhere to be found, so I did the work myself, which was pretty difficult. I thought she was getting water or something like that.
She came after about 20 minutes and disappeared again after five minutes. I went into the house and saw her playing some game on her phone. I asked her if she would help me since it’s not really a one-person job, and she replied, “Yeah, yeah, in a minute”.
This was happening all afternoon. It was always five minutes of work and 25 minutes on the phone. I really didn’t have time for this. I was getting really exhausted and quite frustrated since I was told that I would only help and not do everything myself.
Nevertheless, I did. It took me about six hours; my mother helped me for only about 30 minutes. She came “victoriously” at the end when there was literally one single thing to do and marched to help me. I am not going to lie, I snapped at her (I didn’t shout, but I wasn’t using a normal tone either) in an angry voice, saying that I would finish it myself and that she was useless all afternoon.
Well, she didn’t take it well; she told me that this is not “the way to talk to your parents” and told me to go home because SHE would finish the job (there literally wasn’t anything else to do). I was really tired, angry at her, and frustrated overall, so I just left. Later that evening, my father called me to tell me that she was really upset by that behaviour and implied that I was quite a jerk since “I’m supposed to help when they ask”.
So was I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It’s not even worth arguing over this. Next time they ask for help say that you’re busy. Or dead. Or something.” sapsaterdu
3. AITJ For Refusing To Drive My Friend On Short Notice?
“I, 29 (F), have a person in my life, also 29 (F). I’m going to call her J. To give you a slight history, we have known each other since childhood. We were really good friends until our late teens, and then we grew distant. We still talked a bit, but she moved away and had other, more important people in her life.
Now, in the last five years, she has been fighting a divorce, and somehow through that, she changed and spent a lot of time asking for money, drives, and favors. Every time she reached out, it was for something. And when I reached out or said no, I would be ignored until something else came up.
Around Christmas, we had a huge fight and stopped talking for a few months. She apologized and said she had been healing, so we went for dinner, and she seemed better. The next week, we went to a doctor’s appointment, and she was basically told she had cancer, but for it to be official, the biopsy results needed to come in.
The results came in, but the local doctor would be on vacation until the end of the week, and she wanted to know right away, so she made an appointment in a city 1.5 hours away if there is no traffic; however, there is always traffic, so the round trip would likely be four to five hours.
She didn’t tell me she made the appointment, and then, the evening before, she asked me to drive her.
Now, I have things going on in my life, and I was going to be out of town for two weeks, so I was planning to spend the day packing and cleaning, then going to work.
I told her the gas would be a lot, and with recent expenses, I couldn’t afford the tank of gas, and I’m not sure I would be able to find the time on such short notice, but I’ll try to help with things.
Later that night, I officially told her it just wasn’t going to work because it was too short notice.
She told me that she could not believe she was not even worth three hours of my time, and goodbye.
We haven’t spoken since, and it’s weighing on me. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“What the heck!?!? She gives short notice on an appointment with six hours’ driving.
Does this woman have a license (rental car)? If not, cough up to Uber. She is too high-maintenance and draining. Does she pay for gas? What is your hourly work pay? You need to start thinking about yourself and your mental well-being. She sounds extremely mentally (and physically) draining.
Set boundaries. Now, and do not buckle.” Inside_Major_8078
Another User Comments:
“Eek. NTJ. She’s manipulating you and using you. It is, however, a crying shame it happened to be ‘that’ specific appointment, but not your fault. I get where she’s coming from, not wanting to wait; I don’t think I could either, but surely there’s a bus or other friends?
Be wary, though: if she needs treatment, you’re likely to be called upon a lot.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You know it’s not three hours. You have a life. It’s not your job to get her where she needs to go. She can get an Uber; maybe she can do a televisit, find someone else to take her, etc. It’s not okay to ask you to call out of work at the last second because she didn’t prepare.” Wandering_aimlessly9
2. AITJ For Refusing To Taste My Husband's Questionable Food?
“My husband tries to make me taste food to see if it’s off. Like this morning, he said there was a funny taste to his coffee and wanted me, who had just brushed my teeth, to taste it to see if I could detect something wrong with it.
He got upset that I wouldn’t, but why would I want to have that taste in my mouth if it did taste funny?
This is by no means a rare occasion. The kitchen is his domain. He has ADHD and likes food made just the right way, so most of the time he’s the one who cooks.
He is also partially responsible for the food in the fridge. Anyone who has an ADHD person in their life will probably see where this is going. I am often confronted, right in front of my nose, with food items that he thinks are off or smell funny, or with a spoonful of something to taste because he thinks it has a funny taste or might be bad.
He gets so annoyed when I refuse, but I do not want to smell spoiled meat, sour milk, or fruit juice that smells faintly like booze. I don’t want that taste in my mouth either. If he thinks it’s bad enough to question, throw it away!
I’m not the kind of person who just wastes food, but come on!
Imagine you have just eaten something you enjoyed. The flavor is still in your mouth; you are savouring the taste and enjoying the fine notes… Then a forkful of his food, which isn’t the same as yours, appears in front of your face with the comment, “Does this taste funny to you?” Why would I want to replace the pleasant taste I have with that?
Even if it isn’t off?
On his side of the argument, he wants me to taste or smell things because he isn’t sure and would rather not waste what he’s asking me to investigate. He doesn’t see it as a big deal for me to do and has been asking me to do it for over 20 years.
So please tell me, AITJ for not wanting a bad taste in my mouth?”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t understand the ‘Smell this!!!!???’ ‘Taste that!!!!!!????’ people, myself. If it seems off, dispose of it and leave me alone, please. If I wanted to smell or taste something, I’d do it on my own.
And it’s a ridiculous way to make a point with another adult. Just manage already and be quiet, Smell/Taste People. NTJ. I’d tell him to pour it out and leave me alone because I’m managing my morning and don’t have time for all the goofy stuff.
‘I have to get to work. Knock it off. You aren’t 7 years old. Use your judgment. You don’t need me to wipe your behind for you, and you don’t actually need me to taste anything.’ And yes, I’d spend way more time arguing against the intrusion than I would just comply because he needs to learn this is not worth it, and he can change anytime he wants to.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His attitude toward food sounds neurotic. He frequently asks for your opinion on it, but your opinion can only ever be black or white—yes or no. To me, this means that you have likely given one-word answers to these inquiries.
That’s why I describe it as neurotic behavior on his part. He is either obsessed with making his food perfect or with your approval. Neither of those options is particularly good. In the over 20 years you’ve been together, has he ever sought professional help for this clear behavioral problem?
Is there a reason why this problem is suddenly too much to deal with? I’m not sure that ADHD can be used as an excuse for such consistent and blatant infringement on your personal space. I would absolutely lose my mind if somebody were frequently shoving food in my face and demanding that I taste-test it.
Why have you put up with this for so long? Let him be annoyed. His behavior is annoying and shouldn’t be tolerated.” BeardManMichael
1. AITJ For Excluding Unappreciative Family From Harmonious Gatherings?
“Background story is that my extended family is extremely close. A bomb of a situation occurred almost a year or so ago that caused a rift between one family and another. Everyone else pretty much tries and still hangs out with either one, but it’s been a long time since we have all been together as a whole.
But things were said during the heat of the moment between the two families. Each family still holds a grudge. One family holds a grudge more than the other, in my opinion.
Anyway, it’s very clear to everyone else which family is making the most effort to ensure that the family dynamic isn’t uprooted to an extent.
Functions now have to be planned around one family because their demands and feelings are, I don’t know, hostile…? It’s been about a year of this. There has been constant accommodation, making sure they are comfortable and reaching out to invite them. We go out of our way to do so because we still care for them and want them to still be part of the family dynamic.
But they constantly show up late, if not at all, or come and leave very shortly after. When we voice our feelings about how it’s kind of disrespectful that they clearly don’t respect our effort and time, they turn it around and pretty much say, “This is why we don’t like coming to family functions.” Along those lines, or in some way, they make excuses for their lack of understanding or disrespect.
When we do speak to them, they seem to think we are attacking them when we’re simply letting them know how they make everyone else feel. I just feel they dismiss our point of view a lot. As if they don’t realize the effort or care put into being part of it.
They weren’t invited to the last family gathering because no one wanted to feel disrespected or feel like they do not care for us. We do feel bad, but after a year or so of them saying, “we don’t like coming to family functions,” I’m just a bit confused as to why they are shocked that we no longer care if they are a part of the functions.
But they are upset and angry about not being there. I do feel bad that they were excluded, but honestly, it was a very stress-free gathering. Are we the jerks?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- You took them at their word. They claim they don’t want to be included, and they seem actively inconvenienced and hostile when they do show up, so you didn’t invite them this time.
Simple. Seems like what they really want to do is cause a scene because they don’t like you and then scram.” lyrical_llama
