People Call For Us To Judge Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
14. AITJ For Hinting That My Husband Stole My Bracelet?
“I f/33 live in a rental apartment with my unemployed husband m/30 of 2 years. I work retail jobs (fancy I know) and I obviously barely can afford rent and bills.
Mom passed away 2 months ago. All I inherited from her (dad and his new wife took everything) was a gold bracelet.
I keep this bracelet in my closet so that no one – and I mean no one comes near except for me and my husband.
Days ago it went missing. It just disappeared out of the blue. I looked for it, I cried, I gave up looking and moved on.
The other day I came home and found out that my husband bought a new gaming console. I wasn’t expecting that. I asked where he got the money and he said he borrowed it from a friend. But as far as I know, he only has 2 friends and both of them swore to not lend him a dime since he never pays them back.
When I reminded him of that he just gave me a look and asked if I was hinting that he took my bracelet, pawned it, then bought the console. I shrugged and said ‘well… don’t you think it’s strange that the bracelet just disappeared into the air? Then 2 days later you bought a console?’ He got mad and said that I was such a delusional idiot to even hint that he might have stolen the bracelet.
He shamed me for it and said I’m just upset he’s ‘managing’ his current financial situation and is still able to buy himself nice stuff, unlike me. We kept arguing till he took the console and left the apartment with it.
Said he was going to try it at a friend’s house and that I’d better prepare an apology for when he gets back.
I didn’t but I still think that it’s all just too suspicious to be a coincidence. AITJ for what I told him though?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but…
If you tell your husband that something of value went missing inside the apartment and he swears up and down that he did not take it… then tell him to return the console and buy a high-end security system, because someone else must hence have access to your apartment and you no longer feel safe.
If you think your husband is capable of stealing something that is close to you… how much of a marriage do you two still have?
Someone suggested contacting local pawn shops. Here is what you do. Step one. Collect a picture of the bracelet and any documentation proving it’s yours.
File a police report about something having disappeared from your apartment. Tell your husband that you believe, that if he has not taken it, someone else must have, so file a report. Once the report has been filed, along with a picture and proof of ownership, take a day off work and physically drive to any pawnshop your husband might have been able to visit in the past 2 days.
Also, run a reverse image search to see if anyone posted the bracelet as ‘up for sale’ online. Should you happen to find the bracelet before the police, alert them, and let them handle the retrieval.
If your husband objects to the police report, report it anyway.
Ooh… and should it turn out that your husband DID indeed sell the bracelet, you might want proof that you were not in on it. So… text him from your phone something like ‘I don’t want to fight, I just want my bracelet back’…
something you could potentially later use, to prove that you had no part in it and were just actively trying to locate the bracelet.” GrassTerrible5262
Another User Comments:
“OP, you are NTJ for believing it was him when he all but confessed to you.
You didn’t accuse him. He told on himself before you could ever ask.
However, you will be the jerk if you just let him continue to gaslight you into letting this go. If he’s THAT GOOD at juggling his non-existent funds… then you need to suggest a family meeting to discuss him paying MORE than the $0 he pays towards bills now.
Actual loving couples share expenses and when one person has more money and sees their spouse struggling they help take over some of the expenses even for a single time. Nothing that large gets spent without a discussion.
Sadly, I don’t think you’ll take ANY of the very good advice given here.
Why… because of your explanation of why you think you might be the jerk….
‘I could have been the jerk for accusing him of taking the bracelet and hurting his feelings. I believe that I also ruined his joy and excitement for the new console.’
Until you are ready to stop accepting him telling you everything is all YOUR fault and ‘you must be delusional’ to think a pricey bracelet went missing and he somehow magically found all that money from a non-existent ‘friend’ NOTHING will change.
PS: stop apologizing for working retail. It’s WORK. Right now, he won’t even do that. Retail jobs are fine if it’s what you can get. Work is WORK. I am going to assume he put it into your head that retail work is beneath you and him.
Nothing is beneath anyone who needs to eat and live and SURVIVE. Good people do what is needed for the betterment of their families. You do that. He refuses to even try. God bless and see if you can find some therapy that is charged on a pay-based sliding scale.
You could use someone countering the lies he tells you every day. YOU are worthy of so much better!” StitchyGirl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
So, he lives off you, in the house, you pay for, eats the food you pay for and uses the utilities you pay for.
He is broker than broke but still, he got a fancy new console. Seems more than suspicious to me. You should make him return his little toy and get your bracelet back or sue him.
He doesn’t care about you at all since he pawned the one thing you inherited from your mother.
Don’t feel sorry to make him get it back. And since he got any money at all from anywhere and went on to spend it on himself and not pay any bills or do anything to benefit your household I suggest giving him one clear ultimatum.
Either he gets a job and starts offering something to this household or takes his stuff and moves out. You don’t need parasites in your life.
He acts offended to make you feel bad and drop the subject. And asking for an apology seems like a way for him to get the upper hand on the situation. Don’t let him.” aniacret
13. AITJ For Ditching A Birthday Party Because I'm Sick Of Marvel?
“Don’t get me wrong, Doctor Strange 2 looks cool. But I am so sick of superhero movies. It feels like there’s a new one coming out every other week. And my friends want to see them all. It got to a point where we don’t go to the movies unless it’s Marvel or DC.
Anyway, I work at the airport on top of school and have been hanging out with some of my coworkers outside work. A couple of them wanted to go see The Northman yesterday before it left theaters and I agreed.
A friend was celebrating a birthday, but I didn’t want to go since it meant yet another marvel movie.
I told them I wouldn’t make it to the cinema but would drop off his gift at the restaurant before I go see my coworkers.
I didn’t realize we’d be going to the same theater. But they caught me leaving The Northman with my coworkers and now they’re annoyed at me.
It’s all ‘I’m too good for them because I work for (European airline) now’ and how I’m ditching them to hang out with the Euro-trash now.
It’s all stupid. I want to scream that yes I am sick of them and want nothing to do with them or their nerd crap.
I want friends to do non-geeks things with. Even if it means skipping someone’s birthday. I am sick of always watching superhero movies. I am so sick of the genre.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You should be able to tell your friends your interests have changed.
Friends should understand interests change. Lying won’t make it better and neither will guilt-tripping. Honesty and acceptance are the biggest part of friendships and if either can’t be done, move on. Simple.” BurqueBeck17
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – for not being honest with your friends.
It’s fine to say you don’t want to see a certain genre of movie or eat at certain restaurants. You don’t have to like all the same things to be friends. However, since you don’t want ‘anything to do with them or their nerd crap’ – perhaps you would be better off with new friends.
It certainly sounds like they would be better off without you.” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You could have just said that you didn’t want to go see another Marvel Movie, but you hope they have a great time. Also, going to see another movie after you lied about it kind of makes it worse.
They are the jerk for being xenophobic.” IraWeatherall
Another User Comments:
“Read your last paragraph again and then let them go. You could ghost them straight up or just be honest and say you’re sorry but you’ve grown apart and they don’t fit into your life anymore.
No jerks here for skipping the birthday movie. You would have been a jerk if you’d said what you wanted to say in the last paragraph but you’re not a jerk for feeling that way. And this is coming from a Marvel-loving nerd. Everyone likes what they like and it sounds like your interests just don’t match up anymore.” DJ_Mixalot
12. AITJ For Sticking To My Rule That I Don't Do Commissions For Family?
“I (16F) have one rule only; I don’t work with or for family, I’ve only broken it once for my sister but refuse to do it again for anyone else.
I’m an artist and I do a few gigs like live (wedding/parties/proms etc) paintings.
I’m quite good at it, to be honest, but I just don’t do it for family whether they pay me or not. I’ve only done it once, for my sister’s (28f) wedding two years ago because she was like a second mother to me, my parents worked long hours and were rarely home, so she took care of me, she’s my role model and I love her with all my heart.
I also love my brother (25M) though, I’m not really close with him, he also took care of me from time to time, but he has made sure I know he resents me for it.
My brother is getting married this December, and he asked me for a supply list.
I was confused and asked for what. He said his fianceé wants a live wedding painting like the one I did for my sister, so he’ll buy whatever I want no matter the price. I did feel bad but said I won’t do it because I don’t work for family.
He just rolled his eyes and said ‘C’mon OP, you did it for our sister, why do you always have to make sure I know I’m not your favorite sibling?’ I just said I was sorry but I won’t do it, I offered to help in other ways though, I could make the bouquets for them or help them organize, but no painting.
My brother just said ‘whatever’ and left.
He told my dad and my dad said it was my decision and they have to respect it, but behind doors, he said I should just do it because it shows my clear favoritism. I just said I couldn’t because my art is deeply related to my feelings, and since my feelings toward my brother aren’t fully nice, I won’t be able to do it right.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re 16, so to force you into anything like this is not cool. Plus, a live painting means you would be missing a lot of the wedding, so it’s also them being disrespectful to you, not the other way around.
It does show that you have favourites with your siblings though, so I kind of don’t blame him for saying that. But if your sister basically raised you, then that does make your relationship different, and he’s the one who needs to get over that.
Would a compromise be for you to do a painting of one of the photos? If not, that’s fine.” Original-Winter9334
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You are being bratty. You are holding your brother accountable for his past behavior. But he was a kid then too.
It was unfair of your parents to expect him to help you with homework.
Your brother should have respected you as an artist and approached you with an offer to commission your work. He just assumed you would.
Stop playing favorites and hiding behind the ‘I don’t do it for family’ excuse.
You have done it for one sibling and the couple admired it and wants one too.
So put on your big girl pants and learn a lesson about creative businesses. To be successful, you sometimes have to serve customers that you don’t want to.
Your brother has seen your work, so he knows what to expect. Part of being good is being consistent. The difference between a hobbyist and an artist is that an artist is pushed through boredom and practices their craft religiously.
You messed up and hurt your brother’s feelings while hiding behind a rule you’ve already broken for one sibling.
If you choose to not do it, which is your right, you will be showing your teenage side.” GoddessOfOddness
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My mother is a musician, and almost the first thing she said after learning I was engaged was, ‘Don’t bother asking.’ Turns out she later played at my brother’s wedding reception.
And so did I. Who cares? I didn’t. (Actually didn’t put it together until just now.) We ASK people to be involved in our weddings, and asking implies they have the choice to reply how they wish. If there’s a jerk here it is your brother making assumptions.
Might you look like a jerk to some who know you did a live painting at your sister’s wedding? Yes. Nothing you can do about that – except paint at your brother’s wedding if it is that big a deal what others might think of you. Personally, I think you should stick to your rule and not let others’ assumptions dictate your actions.” sinevigiliamentis
11. AITJ For Reading Romance Novels?
“I (29F) am a huge lover of romance novels, doesn’t matter how bad or ‘Trashy’ they are fun to just veg out to as they require very little focus. I do enjoy more nuanced books too but they require more focus and I don’t always have the energy for that.
I’ve currently been binging all of Susan Trombley’s books (10/10 would recommend if you like the sci-fi/fantasy romance novels).
My partner (30M) has never liked me reading these kinds of books in our 2 years of being together as they make him ‘Uncomfortable’ so I stopped reading them around him.
I figure while not every book in this genre is inappropriate a fair few are so that was likely why he was uncomfortable so I didn’t push further. We are discussing moving in together and he has told me he doesn’t want my books on the bookshelves as it’s embarrassing to have them out in the open like that.
I told him if he’d prefer I’ll keep them on a bookshelf that isn’t in the Livingroom of the House where guests could see it, but no, turns out he doesn’t want them on a bookshelf at all.
I ended up asking him what his issue was and told him they were harmless, he has told me I make him feel uncomfortable by enjoying these kinds of books as they seem low intelligence, and that I also make him feel ‘Less’ like he’s not enough.
I told him that he was of course enough and pointed out how him watching adult videos doesn’t mean I am not enough for him, does it? But he refuses to see the similarity.
I always figured it was harmless to read this kind of book, I don’t get why it makes him so uncomfortable.
Maybe I’m the jerk for still reading them despite knowing he feels this way?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Firstly, it’s your preference. Books like movies have different genres. Not all like the same genre. I choose to read fantasy, and thrillers with romance sprinkled in over pure romance.
Secondly, no genre can make you look stupid or can indicate less intelligence. I read young adult fiction. Sometimes I read Enid Blyton’s books. Does that mean I’m childish or ignorant? Of course not. It’s the writing that impresses us. Romance novels (smutty or not) offer the same excitement or escapism as a horror novel does.
That’s a wrong judgment.
Thirdly, if you had unrealistic expectations after reading such novels – say your partner should look ripped or should speak Spanish (especially if he can’t learn) – then yes he can object. But as long as you don’t have expectations of Romance novel-like experiences IRL – he can’t use that excuse.
Fourthly, he watches adult videos. He could have the same expectations of having a model-like appearance too. It’s the same logic.
You’re your own person OP. Then you’re his partner. Read what you love. If it’s something actually that affects your relationship, then it needs to be considered.
Reading books is harmless. He’s overreacting. Does he read books? If he does then see the kind of books he does. Offer him a chance to exchange. Let him read the books you read and you read what he reads. Maybe that will help?
If he doesn’t read and continues to object – confront him for being a judgmental jerk.
If he loves his partner, he wouldn’t be looking down on her hobbies.” Straight-Example9126
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he sounds super insecure and has major double standards. How many books does he read on the regular? Does he read or watch any male-focused self-fulfillment narratives? If he consumes media, probably.
Romance is a genre that has been degraded and treated as lesser for so long because it’s for women. It’s about women’s pleasure. A story (usually) centered on a woman, guided by her actions and decisions, where the main plot element is a romance, with a guaranteed Happily Ever After.
If he’s ashamed of you reading books you like, that’s a problem. Men can indulge in cringe media, but when women do it it’s too far. He also seems way too insecure about the idea of you getting any kind of pleasure from even thinking about fictional men.
Excuse?? He can watch adult videos, and that’s less cringe than you reading?? Words on a page. He’s insecure about you enjoying words.
He’s lame, you deserve better. This is inductive of bigger insecurities of his.
Gurl, if he’s insecure about fictional men on a page, that’s a him problem.
NTJ, he’s gotta grow up and read a good romance novel.” lavenderflannel420
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Candy books as I like to call those read for fun without needing to be meaty or dramatic are absolutely wonderful and valid. It’s not what I write.
I write terrible things to haunt your dreams because apparently my brain is made of horror. It’s important to vary entertainment and actually enjoy it.
This is controlling and rather weird behavior especially since he watches adult videos. His need for you to appear elite at all times is not healthy.
It doesn’t allow you time to decompress. It is also not a standard he holds himself to. What other things does he control?
Either he is putting you on a pedestal or he is trying to make your fun dependent on him.
These are my thoughts on it. Since reading for fun hurts 0 people this should not be a big deal. He made it one so consider the long-term demands for this and other similar behavior because he expects you to forgo pleasure to appease him and this has some red flags to it.
I am struggling to word the longer view on this because it’s breaking my brain a bit but what’s next? Only tv he approves of? Only clothing he approves of? Makeup to his taste? You’re the one who has to live with you.
You do not have to keep him if my gut is right and he does this with everything. If it’s this one thing set a boundary. He can deal with it or he can forgo watching adult videos and read the dictionary instead.” FirebirdWriter
10. AITJ For Saving One Sister's Life And Not The Other?
“I (22F) have little identical twin half-sisters (16), who both have serious kidney issues. They have both sadly reached a point where without a kidney transplant, their quality of life will continue to decline and they might not see the other side of 20.
Obviously, myself and my mom are devastated by this news, it wasn’t expected that they would be in this position so young.
For some background, one of my sisters Sarah is very much a Tomboy like me, we are really close and enjoy a lot of the same things.
We are like two peas in a pod. That’s not to say I don’t love my other sister Jade, but we simply aren’t as close. She’s a little more girly, doesn’t have many shared interests as me and Sarah do and so we just don’t hang out as often.
I also don’t see Jade as much in general. Sarah doesn’t like her dad’s wife, so she spends less time with them, while Jade adores her and has always spent more time at her dad’s place (both my mom, their dad, and both of the girls were totally happy with this set up).
Jade also begged to go to a particular boarding school, so I don’t see her nearly as much as Sarah, nor have I for a very long time. Maybe one weekend a month for the last couple of years and some more over summer/holidays.
I still love her dearly, but I hope it’s understandable now that I’m just much, much closer with Sarah. We were equally close until Jade started doing her own thing and making choices for herself, and I don’t in any way begrudge that.
I wouldn’t say Jade and I don’t get along, but there have definitely been some big spats over the years.
We all got tested to see if it would be possible to do live donations and I’m the only match. Unfortunately, I obviously only have two kidneys.
I can only save one of my sisters. There’s every chance they might get a kidney from somewhere else but right now they aren’t a priority and aren’t high on the transplant list.
I basically told my mom, who told their dad, that I want to donate my kidney to Sarah.
I thought about it so, so much. I know this means I am undeniably saying ‘I love Sarah more than Jade’, and I guess I do. Unsurprisingly, things went down about how could I do this to Jade, how could I be so cruel, why would I do this, how can I just play with their lives.
I’ve been getting calls and texts from everyone who knows about this. As far as I know, neither Sarah nor Jade has been told.
I get it. I’m playing god here. But it’s my kidney. Yeah, I feel like scum for choosing one sister over the other, but one is my best friend and the other is, well, not.
I feel like a monster for saying it, and I know on a fundamental level it’s wrong. Part of me wanted to flip a coin or something, but I couldn’t. My whole family seems to be demonizing me for making this choice.
Edit:
Currently, their doctors can’t tell who will deteriorate faster. They are currently at similar stages and their most recent results have given no insight into whether or not Sarah or Jane will be worse off. Only time will tell, but their current treatments are harsh on their other organs, so there is an element of urgency that makes us reluctant to just wait to see who gets sicker faster.
If it came down to Jade needing a kidney next week and Sarah not needing one until next year, I would obviously donate to Jade and hold out hope Sarah will get another donor.
I have suggested setting up a donor chain for my mom, but this has all happened recently so it’s still up in the air.
I have only been confirmed as a match, and I haven’t passed through all of the other checkpoints and testing, there’s a very real chance I can’t donate at all in the end, which is why I only told my mom and not my sisters about how I felt.
To be explicitly clear, this question comes up a lot. I don’t think either deserves to die. Their parents are undeniably advocating for me to choose Jade who has, and I quote ‘such a bright future’, but they just haven’t said it explicitly.
I’m not choosing Sarah because she deserves it, I’m choosing Sarah because I want to save her life. Jade has always been, shall we say, unkind, to a lot of people and her dad has always acted like that’s her right.
If I could save both, I would. If I can only save one, and the doctors have no explicit results to say one needs it urgently, I would choose to save the one I love, not just the one I share blood with.
I personally think I’m a jerk. I think that if you look past the ‘kudos for trying to donate a kidney’, I think I’m doing something wrong, it just isn’t enough to make me change how I feel, and I was hoping to get an impartial insight here as I obviously can’t get one from my family.”
Another User Comments:
“Firm NTJ.
You’ve stated your intent to donate to Jade should it turn out she needs it more, despite being closer to Sarah. If you really were picking favorites, you would have chosen to give to Sarah regardless of her situation compared to her twin.
You are in a very sticky situation regardless of what you choose, so if I may I’d like to share my two cents. You’re between a rock and a hard place here, and your feelings—all of them—are entirely justified given the reactions you have received.
It’s obvious you care very deeply about both of your sisters, and I’m sorry you can only save one. But please do not allow your family to emotionally blackmail you into saving the child they seem to feel has more value.
Consider not just the now, but the future. Jade may very well go on to achieve the future everyone thinks she is destined for or not, but in the end, consider whether you might be able to live with the guilt of letting someone dear to you pass away (especially since you seem to hint that Jade is somewhat self-centered.
Academic/financial achievement is not everything).
On the other hand, it is very likely that if you save Sarah, both you and she will be receiving passive-aggressive comments from your family in the future about ‘letting your sister die’ (I sincerely hope your family is not toxic enough to do this, but grief is an ugly monster and has a habit of inflating other less than sterling feelings).
Worst case scenario, both of you may end up needing counseling or limiting contact with your family.
There’s no definitive right answer here, but I think your heart is in the right place in wanting to give the kidney to Sarah—she may need it more (not medically, but spiritually, so to speak).
It’s possible your family’s seeming favoritism for Jade is something Sarah is already aware of, although this is pure speculation since I don’t know your family’s exact dynamic. You love her. You two are like peas in a pod. It’s a decision no one should have to make, but it seems like the right thing for you to do is give your kidney to Sarah.
Your family may not agree, but they are not viewing this situation from your perspective. Saving Jade may be the right thing in their eyes, but they are not the ones donating the kidney, and they are not the ones who might have to live knowing that they could have saved Sarah, and allowed themselves to be persuaded not to.” NeverlandChangeling
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You’re in a really tough situation. You can only give one kidney. If both are at the same place in their disease process and you’re able to donate, it’s the stone-cold fact you can only save one. It’s also your body and you have the autonomy, as a living donor (which alone is a very noble and selfless thing to do), to decide which will be the recipient.
This is something only you can decide.
Your parents don’t have a say since you’re above legal age. I completely understand your reasoning and can honestly say, if I was you, I would make the same decision. If you still feel conflicted, is there a third party you can talk to that’s not involved in this situation (like a counselor or other adult you trust)? Maybe they can help you talk through your feelings regarding the situation.
Just know that it’s evident how much you care for your sisters for even considering being a living donor. That’s so much more than a lot of people can say. Good luck!!” enter_sandman22
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Look that’s gotta be an overwhelming situation for everybody to be in, especially yourself.
Unfortunately, the best-case scenario is you can give one kidney to one sister and if that’s the case then you have two options really. Give one kidney to one sister or give nothing to either and I think objectively, everybody would agree that’s not the right choice.
The only other variable then would be if one sister desperately needed it more than the other, which you have said you would accommodate. Asking any more of you than that is not fair. But let’s say best case scenario, I think you have every right to pick.
Honestly, I couldn’t imagine being in your shoes right now. Your family didn’t react well but it’s got to be very emotional and scary for everybody involved. No good parent wants to lose any child, let alone 2. I don’t know you or your family so it’s wrong for me to assume, but they may feel differently at a later date.
On top of all of that, I feel obliged to say, that a choice like that, regardless of whether it is right or wrong, can weigh heavy on the mind. You are not as close with the other sister but I think you need to consider how you would feel if she passes and not your other sister.
I want to repeat, I don’t think you are a jerk or a monster for wanting to choose but I think simply having to choose could affect you in ways you may or may not be expecting. You’re a victim of circumstance, unfortunately.
Do you think maybe you should have an objective unbiased 3rd party you could speak to? I know I am repeating myself but I can’t imagine being in the situation you are in.
I hope your family pulls through this with all its members and you aren’t forced to intervene, but whatever happens, you are strong and you are not a monster.
Things will likely get worse before they get better but you aren’t alone. Keep safe! My thoughts are with you and your family.” Jordanc369
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’ve been put in an impossible decision and really, your only other option would be to flip a coin.
You have one kidney available, and at this point, you don’t even know if you will be a ‘complete match’ for either of your sisters. It could be that you’re a close match, but not close enough. Unfortunately, because they’re identical, you should be an equally close match to each, so you won’t have that as an excuse.
In addition to one perhaps being ‘worse’ or deteriorating faster by the time you’re ready to donate, you should also be asking which of your sisters is more likely to have a successful, unrejected transplant with a better recovery. Just because they are in the same stage of deterioration does not mean they have the same potential for success.
If it’s close, you will have to choose and frankly, I see no reason not to choose Sarah even if Jade has a slightly higher likelihood of success. However, if Jade has a substantially higher likelihood of success (like 80% vs.
20%) you may want to revisit this decision.
This is YOUR kidney and you are not obligated to give it to EITHER of your sisters. My aunt lost both of her kidneys to a freak infection/immune response when she was in her late teens.
My mom, who is nearly 10 years older, did not even get tested as a donor. At the time, she had two young kids and the risks to her health and life were too great to risk the surgery. My aunt, luckily, received a cadaver kidney and celebrated her 25th kidney anniversary this year. I mention all of this to say that whether or not you give a kidney and to whom must be your choice and should be informed by medical evidence.” BlueTaco500
9. AITJ For Not Siding With My Sister When Her Best Friend Outshone Her At Her Wedding?
“My sister ‘Anne’ (29F) has been best friends with ‘Ruby’ (30F) for as long as I (25F) can remember, so growing up Ruby was like a second big sister to me. One thing that is important to note is that Ruby has always had the most outrageous fashion sense possible.
She’s the person that would wear those runway outfits that you think no one would actually wear.
Anne got engaged before 2020. Almost as soon as everything happened she started being really weird to Ruby. When she made me maid of honor I was kind of surprised because they’ve always sworn to be the MOH at each other’s weddings, but I am her blood sister so it wasn’t that weird.
But I was completely blown away when she made a group chat and I found out that Ruby wasn’t even a bridesmaid. Both I and my mum tried to talk to her about it since we figured they had an argument or something but she would only say that Ruby didn’t care anyway.
I know that Ruby was hurt but she didn’t want any drama so I agreed to let it go. Throughout the whole wedding process, my mum kept asking Anne if she would invite Ruby, if she would ask Ruby’s opinion, etc., etc.
but Anne refused to have any contact with her or talk about anything wedding-related with her whatsoever.
On Saturday my sister was married. She had a beautiful outside, socially distanced wedding. But she was SEETHING the whole time because of Ruby’s dress.
It wasn’t at all outrageous by Ruby’s standards so I don’t believe that she wanted to outshine my sister. She wore quite a simple wedding dress but that was her choice! As MOH I of course went to her fitting and that was literally the one she chose.
Anne has been cursing Ruby out and saying that their friendship is over ever since (like she hadn’t been ignoring her all through the years…) Finally I just said that she’s been friends with Ruby most of her life and she knows what she dresses like and that she should have expected this?? If it was that much of a problem she should have found a way to mention it to her … OR just made her a bridesmaid.
Anne LOST it with me. She sent Ruby some really horrible messages after she screamed at me. She didn’t say a word to me all of yesterday but she’s badmouthing me to our dad who is on her side. My mum has told Anne that she should apologize to Ruby for the nasty messages she sent and for yelling at me so Anne isn’t talking to her either.
I don’t even know what’s going on but Ruby swears on her life that they didn’t have an argument or anything before 2020. Anne says that that’s none of my business and I should be supporting my ‘real’ sister. My dad agrees with her and she’s rallied the other bridesmaids against me so IDK, AITJ?
Just to clear some things up:
- Ruby didn’t wear a wedding dress or anything really outrageous.
It was a dark red, bodycon dress in a satiny material. There were lots of people in form-fitting dresses (the bridesmaids were wearing them!!!) and she didn’t look out of place.
- The BRIDESMAIDS were wearing bodycon dresses. So were many other guests.
It wasn’t a particularly traditional affair, nobody was offended by our figures, and Ruby’s dress didn’t massively stick out.
- Ruby IS very attractive. She always has been but I never thought it was an issue for Anne before.
- Ruby and Anne had been best friends for 25 years (they didn’t grow apart or anything, they stayed in constant contact even as adults) and then Anne suddenly wasn’t talking to Ruby anymore.
My mum and I weren’t trying to be controlling, we were worried! We assumed that something really bad had happened for them to cut contact overnight. When Anne refused to talk about it my mum was only more worried because she’s normally an open book.
- I don’t love Ruby more than Anne or anything like that.
The only reason I’m so close to Ruby is because ANNE used to be so close to Ruby. They were basically inseparable so I grew up tagging after both of them. Of course, I love Anne very much, I just think she’s being unreasonable in this situation.
- Ruby was always going to be at the actual wedding.
The phrasing was bad on my part, sorry. When my mum was suggesting that Anne invite Ruby it was to wedding prep things like dress shopping etc.
- I don’t know if ‘Dave’ (groom) has feelings for Ruby. I have never thought that, they’ve met many times and there have never been any signs that he does.
I definitely do not think it is an affair because then surely my sister wouldn’t want to marry Dave and neither would want Ruby at the wedding at all. Ruby doesn’t have a history of going after Anne’s partners or crushes.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, people love to jump on the bridezilla trope which obviously isn’t the main issue here.
Something big happened between them and you and your mom won’t stop pushing your uninformed personal opinions on her when there’s obviously something going on. It doesn’t matter how well you know Ruby, your relationship with her and your mom is not going to be the same as your sister’s and you’re missing the fact that there’s very obvious missing information.
I wouldn’t want somebody I wasn’t getting along with at my wedding party either! The dress was probably just the straw that broke the camel’s back which is not typically wedding appropriate and is more considered club attire.
A red satin bodycon mini is a showstopper type of dress and not something you wear to somebody’s wedding.
Literally any other color aside from white or black would’ve made it redeemable. Heck, even a different style and more subdued shade of red could’ve been passable. Your comment about how she should’ve expected to be outshone by Ruby makes you a huge jerk.
Get your nose out of their business and let your adult sister dictate her own relationships.” god-of-calamity
Another User Comments:
“I’m doing an ‘everyone sucks here’ because there seems like there’s a lot missing, which you admit to in a comment that there might be more going on that you don’t know about, and yet your Mom and you (admittedly to a lesser extent) kept pushing for Ruby to be included.
You even say you called her to try to get info. Your sister doesn’t have to tell you or your mom the specifics of what happened. I don’t understand how the way she was so tight-lipped about it wouldn’t have clued you both in that something bad likely had happened.
Could this all have been avoided if she made her a bridesmaid? Sure, but we (and you) don’t know if something happened. Say they had a big blowup; not wanting that person in your wedding party is completely understandable. To add, people post all the time on here about NOT overly policing wedding guest attire…
so your sister is in a lose/lose situation. Either way, she’s going to look like a Bridezilla. When she tried to keep Ruby out of it, you (again, as I understand, to a much lesser extent) and (mostly) your Mom kept badgering her about Ruby.
Was your sister’s behavior out of line from what we do know? Yep.
Was your comment entirely unnecessary? Absolutely. I don’t think you don’t know that. It’s such an unproductive statement. I read it as you trying to get under your sister’s skin.
I can’t know that for a fact, but that’s how the statement comes off to me.” Livid_Let_Die
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – your whole post says that no one was respecting the bride’s choice of the bridal party and kept pressuring her to involve people that she didn’t want to be involved.
You and your mom also seem to think that you have the right to control who she wants to be friends with even though she is an adult. This was really inappropriate of you and your mother and your final dig at her that she should have followed YOUR orders about who to have in the bridal party was really out of line.
Whatever the issue is between Ruby and Anne is their business and Anne doesn’t need to gossip to all of you in order to get you to respect her choice of who she is close to. The fact that Anne won’t talk about it means that whatever it was that happened was NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS yet you and the mom kept digging at it and violating her boundaries.
You are too invested in controlling another adult’s relationships.
There are traditional colors you are NOT supposed to wear to a wedding. White (because that is supposed to be a bride), Black (because that is signaling mourning at a wedding), and Red.
She was wearing a tight body con red dress.” perpIndignant
Another User Comments:
“This was kind of a hard one, I think primarily because we are missing so much information. Given what we do know, I’m gonna go with ‘everyone sucks here’.
I think you and your mom had good intentions and acted on the information that YOU guys know and that your sister told you, which is that nothing had happened with her and Ruby.
So it’s understandable that you would want to proceed as normal and include Ruby in the plans. But as many people have said already, nobody decides to just end a friendship for no reason. Something either happened (and yes, it could have been something small and one-sided like your sister hearing someone joke about Ruby potentially upstaging her) or it could have been long-standing resentment that finally boiled over.
Who knows. Either way, you should have respected your sister’s desire to not include Ruby in the wedding. Irrational or not, she has the right to cut friendships off.
That being said, your sister is also the jerk. From our perspective, she had no reason to believe that Ruby would purposefully upstage her.
In fact, it sounds like Ruby acted like a normal reasonable person who understands social situations and chose an outfit that was more toned down than her usual tastes. If your sister was truly so concerned, she really should have just talked to Ruby herself.
Or maybe explained to you (even in vague terms) that she did not want Ruby during the wedding period.
Tough situation. It sounds like you should definitely take a break from this situation. You do not need Anne to maintain a relationship with Ruby for you to stay in contact with her so… it doesn’t necessarily have to affect you if that’s what you and Ruby decide to do. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like you’ll be able to do anything else unless more information comes out.” User
8. AITJ For Refusing To Take My Sister's Kids After She's Gone?
“My sister (31F) was recently diagnosed with brainstem glioma. Apparently, it’s big and untreatable due to the location. I’m not sure how long she has, but most likely it will shorten her life span by a significant amount. Apparently, she’s already experiencing some bad symptoms.
My sister has three kids; a newborn and a 2-year-old and a 6-year-old. She asked me to take them once she’s gone.
No, we don’t have family, and her ex-husband wants nothing to do with the kids since she was unfaithful to him for years with many men and they aren’t his.
She doesn’t know who the dad is.
Personally, I (25F) am child-free. My husband (25M) is child-free as well. I told her no for the following reasons:
- Since we are both child-free it would be unfair to ask my husband to make this kind of sacrifice.
We both agreed to no kids when we got married; to change something like that generally means a divorce.
- I am an atheist, my sister wants me to raise them to be religious and to ‘know god’ and take them to church.
No.
- I live in a different country, where English is not the primary language. I can’t teach a 6-year-old a new language when they don’t know English well.
- 6-year age gap meant we didn’t really grow up together, and the memories I do have she was always awful to me – like cynical.
And after she moved out at 18 we haven’t talked once besides at my parents’ funeral. I don’t even know her kids let alone her.
She cried and called me awful but it’s my life, and ultimately I get to be selfish with it, a child isn’t an 18-year commitment; it’s lifelong, and one I have decided not to take.
She fooled around with multiple different men and lost her husband; I don’t think it’s my job to swoop in and save her from the consequences of her own actions. I don’t feel like I owe her anything.
Other people disagree. Friends of hers whom I’ve never met have been reaching out to me and calling me at all hours to leave nasty voice mails.
Saying I need to step up as a sister, but I just feel like she’s trying to use me as her ticket out to passing away and not feeling guilty
Edit: I have offered to pay for DNA kits, a PI, and anything else she needs to help find the fathers of these children.
She doesn’t want to.
I will not be taking in the kids.
It’s not because I want to teach my sister a lesson/because they are ‘less’ for being a product of an affair. I brought it up because I know everyone would ask ‘where’s the father’.
It’s because my sister is a stranger. I haven’t talked to her in over 10 years. I’ve never met her kids – and I do not want kids. My husband (yes we talked) would leave.
Realistically it wouldn’t work out, with his income, I wouldn’t be able to afford the children anyway.
I am child-free, not just because I’m selfish like so many of you suggest, but because I have mental health issues that would prevent me from ever being a good parent.
I have OCD, not the ‘I like my house clean’ OCD, but where I need to shut a door several times until it’s completely shut, or noises like dripping water drive me insane, imagine having a newborn when sound can drive you mentally insane – it’s debilitating.
My sister doesn’t deserve this, and her kids don’t deserve their fate, but realistically their un-biological father is the one who needs to step up; not me.
To those of you who said I’m a jerk, fair, but then let me ask you, why aren’t you adopting? Why aren’t you fostering? Why aren’t you making sure you get kids out of the system? Get off your high horse.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m leaning to NTJ.
But this situation sucks and no mistake. Sorry for your upcoming loss.
I’ll go over your points one at a time. I do see some things that you may want to consider.
First, though, look at it from your sister’s perspective. She is going to die.
And her children are going to be left without parents. It’s only natural that she’ll want someone to take care of her children. There are no other options left to her to entrust her children to someone else, if I was in her shoes I’d look for the person I’d trust most to raise my children and guide them to adulthood.
This means your sister does trust you and holds you in very high regard.
You can’t be expected to sacrifice the relationship over children that aren’t yours. But divorce doesn’t have to be guaranteed. Before you make this decision, talk it through with your partner.
This isn’t a decision you should make alone.
Here I’m really on the point where it’s your responsibility to raise the children in the way you think is best. Your sister is asking a lot from you. You don’t have to agree to this part of the terms.
‘Beggars can’t be choosers’ after all.
Children are great at picking up new languages. Yes, it will mean some effort. But if she is surrounded by other children of her age who speak the local lingo she’ll pick it up in no time at all.
So I wouldn’t really worry too much about this.
This isn’t about you knowing her. This is about children needing a home to grow up in.
Ultimately though, the decision is yours. Because aside from the points you mentioned, doing this is a huge claim on your life.
Raising children drastically changes your lifestyle. And like getting pregnant it’s something you will have to consider really really hard.
I want to know if you don’t do it, who is going to take these children in? Someone else or will they enter the foster system? Because from what I’ve heard, that’s a terrible fate for children.” Radijs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You lay out a number of legitimate reasons you feel no connection to your sister or her children.
We are allowed to sever ties with anyone who was abusive – even our relatives. It’s hard for people who haven’t been seriously damaged by a much older sibling to understand.
It sounds like you cut ties a number of years ago. Your sister and her children are not ‘family’ in any sense of the word.
Choosing to be child-free is a decision people make for a variety of reasons. All I can say is that the people I know have all survived serious long-term trauma as children.
They are kind, giving people who choose to be child-free instead of risking they might in turn hurt their own children. It is a decision based on self-awareness and kindness.
Finally, at best you would seriously resent these children. And they would know it.
That’s a terrible way to grow up.
I feel gut-punched for these kids. The things they will go through in the coming years will be so difficult. The foster system has many problems. Children entering the system have already suffered severe trauma and not all foster parents are altruistic.
You know what their life would be like with you – and it’s not good. It’s hard to stand by what you know is right when those around you just don’t get it.” MdmBtrfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I feel for your sister as well as for the children, and I truly do get that this seems like the best, perhaps the only acceptable option to her, so this makes the situation just that much worse for her.
But if you in the first place consider the children’s needs, it is NEVER a solution to ‘force’ children upon someone who is not willing to take care of them. Children in such a situation would not grow up having all their needs sufficiently met if their foster parent is not all set on dedicating their life to these children.
Even if you wanted to give it a shot, you cannot 24/7 put up a fake mask and pretend that you wish to put the kids first, if that is not what you wanted out of life. It is important to find someone who willingly would take these children in and love them as their own, rather than imposing on someone who is not willing to do so.
And yes, your sister’s situation is tremendously sad and horrid, but ultimately it is not your responsibility to compensate for that. It would be very noble of you to take the children in, but if you genuinely do not feel up to the task, then for you, your husband’s, and the children’s sake, it would be best to see them looked after by someone else.” Pirattewolfie
Why don't her friends who are giving you abuse step up.and look after her children, I'm guessing they know the children where you don't, they more than likely share her wish to bring the children up in a Christian way.
I don't think you are selfish and wrong at all. What she is demanding you do is rather cruel to you and the children, she knows how you feel yet she is still forcing it, and got her friends to bully you into it aswell
7. AITJ For Asking My Trans Daughter To Choose An Indian Name?
“My husband and I come from a traditional Indian family (immigrated to the US for college and stayed here), so please bear in mind that we really don’t know much about all the nuances of the LGBTQ+ community, since we were never really exposed to that.
I decided to bring my situation here so I can get some third-party advice.
My ‘son’ (now daughter) (15f) recently came out as a transgender girl. We immediately accepted her and told her we loved her no matter what. I got her talking to a gender specialist/therapist, we entered family therapy, and my husband and I have spent a lot of time reading and educating ourselves on what it means to be trans.
Unfortunately, my husband and I also lost a lot of friends and family who decided that my daughter was a freak and that we were abandoning our culture and values. While we realize that we are better off without these ignorant people, it has been tough, despite having my siblings, some close friends, and my husband stand by me.
So, several months ago, I joined a support group for parents of kids who are trans. It has been really helpful, and I feel like it is a great place for me to voice my concerns and also express my feelings.
A week ago, my daughter brought up how she probably wanted to change her name; right now, we are calling her a gender-neutral nickname of her dead name (think Vikrant to Vicky). I completely understand that having remnants of your dead name can be very bad, so we told her that we would support her in her name-changing process.
I also mentioned that I had a list of girl names that I never got to use (I have three biological boys), and I would love if she wanted to use those names and if my husband and I still got to name her.
We even offered to do a redo of her traditional Hindu naming ceremony with her new name, which she loved. She said she would think about the names. She mentioned having a ‘white’ name (like Samantha) and asked me what I thought.
I told her that it was her choice, but I would love it if she chose an Indian name, so she always has a piece of her heritage with her and that would make us happy. She said she hadn’t thought of that and she’ll come up with some names later.
I mentioned this in our support group, and one white mom got really angry at me. She started saying that I was a bad mom who was forcing my daughter to pick a name I wanted and forcing her to embrace a culture that rejected her.
She brought up my estranged parents, who I had talked about in previous sessions, and how I was trying to force my daughter to be more like them. That was not my intention, but I feel terrible now and can’t stop crying.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is coming from a trans person btw. You sound like you are nothing but supportive of your daughter, and that’s great! It would be different if you had responded ‘No, you MUST choose an Indian name’, but all you did was say you support her no matter what & also give your own ideas to her.
Shame on that mom who made you feel so awful, you’re doing your very best and that’s what matters.
Also, I honestly think that the white mom was being a bit racist/ignorant to think that your whole culture was rejecting your daughter’s identity.
Cultures can vary a ton from within; I’m pretty sure almost every culture has its own accepting and non-accepting sub-cultures within. For example, many people think you cannot be Christian and trans, but I and many others are. This white mom just seems to want your daughter to just erase her own cultural ties that this mom sees as ‘outdated’, or at least that’s the vibe I get.
Might be worth bringing this up at your next session…” eipten
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This white lady needs to sit down. I don’t think that she is allowed to comment on your culture in such a globally dismissive way. She essentially implied that due to certain experiences within your community’s practice of your culture, your daughter should reject the entire culture itself and that you wanting her to see the beautiful aspects of her culture by preserving some parts of it is wrong.
Who is she to say that? Especially since it doesn’t sound like your daughter had any issue with how you presented the suggestions to her and said she’d consider it.
As others have said, if you were giving your daughter an ultimatum, threatening her, or actively pressuring her to choose an Indian name, then that would be not ok.
However, you did not do that. You presented your hopes for her and gave her a choice, and I am sure you would love her and her chosen name whatever it ends up being. It sounds like she was comfortable with how you asked her as well so there is no reason for this woman to speak to either of your experiences like that.
I come from a Chinese immigrant background. There is this intersectional tension between race, gender, and culture. While I cannot speak on your daughter’s experience being a trans-identified Indian girl, there is this line you skirt as a bicultural person. You want to love the culture your family is from, but you also want to fit into American culture.
There is a long process toward embracing both while also being able to recognize and critically criticize the issues with both without needing to completely reject either. And it’s even harder if one culture (the Indian one) is tied to a lot of invalidation, conservatism, and rejection around your gender identity but likely the other culture is tied to a lot of racism and xenophobia (the American one).
I don’t know if it’s anything you’ve talked about with your daughter, but I’ve had a lot of Chinese friends and have known a lot of Chinese people in general who changed their Chinese names to American ones. Some say it is because they just like the new name.
Others will say it is because their Chinese name was too hard for people to pronounce and they were sick of correcting people. Others want to be more Americanized. There can be a lot of internalized racism and xenophobia around having a name not traditionally ‘American.’ I of course have zero clue if any of that plays into why your daughter would like a more Western-sounding name.
I say all of this rambling stuff because the story you’ve shared made me think of some of my personal experiences within my community around choosing between our native language names and an Americanized one, even if it did not have to do with having a trans identity.
I personally chose to keep my Chinese name and felt sad for my friends who felt it was necessary for them to erase a name they’d had all their lives to fit into American culture. But I also know that for some people, that feeling of fitting in even that little bit by having a name they didn’t need to explain all the time made them feel a little more at ease.
And who am I to judge I guess. Just because I cared to correct people constantly doesn’t mean someone else has to.” mycr00k3dw4ng
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Frankly, you sound like the kind of parents many of the trans folks I’ve known wish they had.
I did an internship at an LGBT center‘s legal department when I was in law school. We covered all kinds of cases, but name and gender marker changes for trans clients were the numerically largest single category of cases that we did, and of all the cases we had in the half a year I worked there, we had only one case where the client’s parents were both involved in a positive manner in the case (a minor, whose parents were really sweet and supportive – the client himself seemed torn between being proud of his parents and embarrassed by them, in the best ‘they’re so loving and supportive but I’m a teenager’ sort of way).
We had at least 3 cases during that time where the (adult) clients specifically wanted to make sure that no info would be shared with a parent, should the parent try to ask us about them (it’s standard procedure to not even confirm that someone is a client unless you’re dealing with an opposing party in a lawsuit, so we would have never given that info out anyway, but these folks had reason to be concerned enough for us to make notes in their file to be extra careful that their parents might try to get info from us for the purpose of harming our clients).
As long as your daughter feels happy and loved and supported, not pressured, you’re doing right by her. A new naming ceremony is a thoughtful, kind gesture that shows how complete your acceptance of her true self really is. Sharing the list of names you would have used had she been assigned female at birth gives her a way to choose to connect to you in a new way that honors both your heritage and the link of parents lovingly waiting for the child in the womb to be born, without forcing anything on her. Giving her these choices shows that it is important to you that she has autonomy in this and that her place as your child is not diminished or altered because she has realized her assigned gender wasn’t correct.” KaliTheBlaze
6. WIBTJ For Asking My Mom If She Lied About Me Having A Deceased Older Brother?
“I have vague memories of a boy and when I remember the memories, I’m overcome with a sense of love and loss. When I was younger, thinking about him would make me cry.
When I was about 9, I found pictures of him and a family friend’s son (‘J’) for the first time and was excited because I thought he’d been an imaginary friend since everyone acted like they didn’t know who I was talking about.
My mom said that one was J, but the boy I remembered, she didn’t know, so it must have been his friend. I was content with this since I hung out with J all the time before we moved, and figured I’d met him then.
Years later when I was in high school, we moved in with my Granny because she got sick. She never let me see or touch her keys, and I figured it was because, as a kid, she was afraid of me losing them.
One day though, her friend picked her up and she left her keys. There were those keychain kindergarten pictures you get from school photos – one of me, one of my little sister, and one of the boys. I was shocked, and when Granny got home, I asked her about it.
She started sobbing but wouldn’t talk for the rest of the night. The next day, she told me never to ask about him again.
Shortly after, she asked for help sorting through stuff. I found a box full of baby boy toys, and clothes that would fit a six or seven-year-old.
Granny yanked the box away and told me she didn’t need my help anymore and locked herself in her room. When she was well enough for us to move back home, I was helping my mom sort through pictures and found a whole rubber-banded stack of photos of the boy from a few months old until third grade.
Mom got very quiet but said she must have gotten them from J’s mom by mistake.
For years I’ve let it go, but recently I found more pictures that were mixed up in my baby book. They obviously got stuck and weren’t meant to be there, but now I’m burning with curiosity.
If I didn’t have memories of him, I would say it’s none of my business, but I remember this boy, and I know it can’t be a cousin or a crazy young Uncle since Granny had a hysterectomy after Mom.
I think he either died in the fire that happened when I was 3-4, or he was born with a hereditary heart condition that almost killed my little sister.
I don’t want to bring up more pain, but I remember him, and for years I thought I imagined him. Don’t I deserve an answer to my own memories? Or WIBTJ for bringing up the potential death of my mom’s child?
Edit: Another reason I want to know is because I want to know if the hereditary heart condition did kill him and isn’t as much of a ‘fluke’ as my parent said because I want kids and to know their risk.
My Dad died four years ago and said he was sorry for ‘everything’ but wouldn’t specify, and when I asked my Mom, she gave me generic answers. My sister also has no memories of him because I think she was born 3-5 years after he died, so we can’t compare.
I didn’t think about calling the county and asking for death records, but I now plan to. I also might use ancestry.com or something similar for answers, despite my Granny always getting upset/angry when I’ve brought it up before. I’m also fine if this is all some kind of super weird misunderstanding and I don’t have a brother, but my Granny’s reactions and her having that stuff is what makes me really think it’s family and not some random friend of J’s from my early childhood.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It sounds like you could pinpoint where and when this boy left your life, despite moving a fair amount. Twenty years isn’t really that long for many people, especially if there was a destructive house fire that impacted (or possibly even killed) children.
You could reach out to a subreddit or social media group for that area to see if anyone remembers. If he didn’t die in the fire, it’s possible they’ll at least know his name, which might make another search feasible. This also seems similar to the kind of searches that adoptees often have to do to find their first families (especially when adoptive families refuse to be transparent or supportive), so you might be able to learn things from reading about how people approach those searches.
You have a right to know your own story, not just for your physical health, but for your mental health. That sounds majorly traumatic and having the people raising you also lying to you about the actual existence of people you loved will likely come into play in future relationships, if it hasn’t already.
Personally, I’d maybe ask your mother again, making it clear that you want to know and that it’s for your own well-being. And I’d search, but also be in therapy at the same time. That level of denial and repression from your family isn’t healthy at all, assuming that all that’s being hidden from you is the grief and trauma of losing a beloved child.
There could be more they’re hiding (or not, a repressed/denialist relationship to death has been pretty common in certain cultures), but either way, a good therapist can help you process whatever you do or don’t find in healthier ways than you grew up experiencing.” stillnotarobot
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You’ve said that it’s something that’s obviously traumatic for your parents and grandmother, to the point that your father couldn’t speak of it on his death bed. This level of resistance to even mention it, no matter what proof you have, guarantees that you’re going to find something terrible when you dig into it.
Your family is protecting themselves and protecting you, no matter how poorly, from learning about something painful.
They should not have lied to you. They should never make you feel crazy. They should not have let things go on this long when you obviously have enough knowledge to put together some of the pieces to this puzzle on your own.
But you need to understand that while you have the right to know, your family has the right to not talk about it. You WILL be causing them pain, even if it eases your own. Are you ready for the consequences that talking about your newly found information will bring to your family relationship? Are you ready for the potential pain that you may cause yourself with the information you find?
Maybe the best solution is to find the information by yourself, but never bring it up to your family again.
That’s probably the only way to maintain a relationship with them while easing your mind that you’re not crazy and never have been. And I’d talk about this with your counselor because they’ll have suggestions on the healthiest ways to handle this for you.” throwaway86753109123
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk.
This is really interesting as you have memories of this boy, and have found evidence proving he was a family member. It’s interesting that instead of remembering this child, your family has chosen to try to erase him from existence. Something no one ever really wants.
No one wants to be forgotten.
I say ask, and go to them with the evidence that you have. But go in a loving and respectful manner. If you can look up death records from the approximate time of his death, do so, and go with that.
It may be best to go through Ancestry. The records they have access to are amazing and would very likely solve this mystery for you. Doing so may be a good way to get his story told. This is an entire person who lived, loved, and was lost.
He shouldn’t be forgotten. I understand that it could be incredibly painful to relive this loss, so I’d go with caution when asking what happened.
Are there any records of this fire that happened? You could find news reports of it that may or may not give any names, but confirm that a child was killed. This is really strange and would write a pretty interesting mystery novel. I really hope you find the answers you are looking for.” Inner-Nothing7779
5. AITJ For Not Buying A Mother's Day Gift With My Birthday Funds?
“I (F22) got into a bit of an argument with my grandparents last night. Now some info that is relevant: I’m a uni student who has no job. I don’t have a student job. Due to my personal (mental) health issues, this is not an option.
Focusing on my studies is all I can do right now. Due to my studies combined with my issues, studying is just about the only thing I have time to do, to begin with. I generally have to drop any hobbies or free-time activities most days.
Generally, I am invested in my studies to the point I have little to no awareness of anything else, and I’m not up-to-date with what day it is, what everyone’s schedule looks like, etc. My father is a ‘special’ person in that he has never cared to help his kids pick presents for mother’s day and similar events.
When we were small, he didn’t go to the store with us. When we were older, he didn’t provide us any funds to go buy something. He stubbornly insists that our mom is ‘not his mother so he doesn’t need to do a thing’.
It’s been this way my whole life, and each year it leads to my mom feeling miserable, and taking it out on him, as well as her children (me included). I can argue with my father about it all I want, he is not going to budge.
So yesterday was another one of these painful experiences where I nor my younger sibling showed up with a gift for mother’s day, and my mom was visibly upset. My grandparents noticed, took me aside, and asked me why I didn’t buy her a gift.
I explained that I do not have an income so I have no funds whatsoever and that my father refuses to provide money so I can buy something. They then got mad at me, arguing that they gave me money for my birthday, so I could have used that to buy my mom a gift.
Idk what to think of this situation. Naturally, I don’t want my mom to feel hurt, but I also don’t feel like there’s anything I could have really done. I don’t have the time or creativity to make something from scratch, and I don’t have the budget to buy something, nor can I get a temporary job to get the funds.
Yes, I got money for my birthday, but if I get 50€ for my birthday, that 50€ is literally the only money I have. I don’t feel like birthday gifts should serve like that, where you cannot use them for yourself, but rather have to keep them so you can, later on, get someone else a gift instead.
So, AITJ?
edit: In previous years I did attempt to do something ‘small’ (pick flowers, write a note on paper) but it was still met with fighting and hurt.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not for not buying a gift, but you could have done something.
Picked some flowers, made her breakfast and cooked something. You can’t ask your dad for money so how he feels about Mother’s Day is not relevant here. It was relevant when you were a kid but you are an adult now and you should act like an adult.
You could have bought your mom a card or looked for something free, and she would have been happy and it would not have cost you anything. You are an adult and you are responsible for your own income/money. If you don’t pay attention to others they will be upset.
It is not about finances, it is about being selfish.” NoRadish3067
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, only because it sounds like you were comfortable making zero effort while knowing your mom is continually disappointed. While I disagree with your grandparents telling you to spend your birthday funds on it (a gift shouldn’t have strings attached), at some point, you could have done a teeny thing.
It takes about 5 minutes to type up and print out any sort of letter of appreciation. Seriously, I understand your plate is full, but five minutes of thinking about your parent and what you appreciate about them goes a long way.” pdxflwerpwer
Another User Comments:
“I was your mom.
My ex has given me the same ‘excuse’ for not getting me a Mother’s Day anything. He would also pout and throw a fit if I suggested we go out for breakfast or whatever until it got easiest not to fight back.
And yes, I felt miserable and unwanted. This is my second Mother’s Day divorced and I still dread Mother’s Day (and my birthday) because the holiday itself meant that I would get to ‘see’ all these nice things families do for their moms but I wasn’t ‘good enough’ for any sort of consideration.
(Yes, I’m working on this in therapy.) With that, I tend to build up the dread for these days for at least a week beforehand and wake up depressed on the day of.
Make a conscious effort to change how you respond to your mom’s special days, I don’t know if it is all holidays/birthdays or just Mother’s Day.
I make it a point to involve my kids in picking out gifts for their dad and reminding them on each occasion that this is what you do for people you love…I don’t want them to grow up treating their wives like I was treated.
Just remember how demoralizing it has been for your mom to be forgotten about for years. Do better in the future. You have a lot of excuses for why you can’t get her certain items; maybe ask your grandparents for ideas.” misma83
You got £50 from your grandparents. You couldn’t have gotten to a florist and bought a single rose with some baby’s breath for a small amount of £ and brought it to your mother?
Get over yourself with your issues and selfishness and think of someone else for a change.
4. AITJ For Calculating The Tip The Typical Way?
“I (18NB) have Asperger’s, and due to that, I can sometimes make some stupid decisions regarding social situations. I don’t do this out of malicious intent, and I always try my hardest to do the socially acceptable thing in front of others, but sometimes I slip up, and while it’s embarrassing, I still am more than happy to be told (respectfully) that what I did wasn’t okay, and that I need to work on my behavior/do a different thing next time.
Anyway, about a week ago I ordered a pepperoni pizza from Domino’s. Now, I ordered this pizza online, and Domino’s has this thing on their website where after you order maybe 6(?) times, you get a free pizza for your next meal.
And I could apply that, so I did, and I ordered a medium pepperoni. The pizza itself was free, but there was still delivery and tax and all that, which came to 5.30$. Anyway, I calculated the tip based on that (equation I used: 5.30 x 1.2 = total amount) and I got about 6.40$ in total.
So, when the delivery guy came, I handed him the money, and he looked rather confused and asked, ‘No tip?’ I was a little puzzled, and I said, ‘oh, there is a tip. 20% of 5.30 is about a dollar ten, right? I used the coupon thing online.’ And he kinda rolled his eyes and shoved the pizza box into my chest as he went back to the car and drove away.
Did I do something wrong? I genuinely want to know.”
Another User Comments:
“You did not do something wrong technically. However, many people tip based on the total value of the meal as if there was not a free item. This is because the waiter/delivery person is not the one offering the promotion, and is doing the same service even if there is a free item for you – time waiting at the table, time delivering the meal, etc.
Your coupon was for a free meal, but you have to ask yourself if that also means the server/delivery person should give up the tip cost they would have gotten on that item. I tip on even free desserts that are complimentary or discounts for items I receive.
(If the server did me a favor, it should not mean they get less tip). It is up to you. I hope my explanation helped with your understanding of the reaction you received. Good for you for continuing to learn about reactions and adjusting when you think it’s the right thing to do.
No jerks here – wishing you the best.” Major_Barnacle_2212
Another User Comments:
“Technically YTJ because you should tip on the total. The delivery driver still has to do the same amount of work. If we get freebies while at a restaurant (not with a coupon, just the server or resto being awesome for some reason, or even if they do it for correcting an issue), we tip about 50% of what the free item would have cost.
But sounds like you’re learning and just didn’t realize this.” RideTheWindForever
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all, you didn’t know. You are also aware enough to think that you might have been in the wrong, so you are far from a jerk.
Having been a delivery driver for another big chain for 13 years, I can say that the delivery driver was a jerk for making that comment, and I would be wary of ordering from there again.
People might not know this, but we remember EVERY terrible tipper and no tip people, plus we would mark the customer address with a symbol that the other drivers understood, and while we never did anything illegal or dangerous to the food, you can imagine that they got the oldest food that we still had sitting around that was technically legal to serve, and a lot of people probably wonder why their 2 liters explode every time they order from that place, and we definitely took our time on those orders.
(It’s worth mentioning that you weren’t a bad tipper, because you did give something to the driver and this isn’t a 4 times a week thing, drivers like me would definitely take this into account), however, there were other drivers who would immediately mark a person down as a ‘does not tip’, which other drivers assume means they’re awful customers.
I don’t want this to happen to you, and it sounds like this driver is exactly the type to do something like that, so hopefully, you like papa John’s?
You’re a good kid and a good person. Not even close to a jerk.” Reasonable-Coconut15
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
He shouldn’t have given you an attitude, but the standard is to tip on the non-discounted price. Otherwise, it’s basically punishing the delivery driver for the company’s decision to offer substantial discounts. Sounds like you weren’t aware of that, so really he was much ruder here.” madelinegumbo
3. WIBTJ If I Comment About The Bully's Awful Attitude On His Funeral Announcement?
“I happened to notice online a funeral announcement for a guy who tormented our family for several years growing up. I was probably 10 or 11 and this guy was several years older and he would cuss at us and torment us.
Plus he vandalized some of our vehicles. This lasted several years until his family moved away. It truly was awful and was constant. Now I’m in my mid-50s and heard the news that he’s gone. I’m reading the comments and they act like this jerk was the salt of the earth.
I know it’s been over 40 years but I’m planning on leaving a comment on his funeral announcement about what kind of jerk he truly was.”
Another User Comments:
“Uh… yeah. YWBTJ.
This was forty years ago. Even several years older than you still makes it sound like he was a minor whose brain hadn’t yet fully developed.
People evolve a lot once they’re in their twenties.
That dude might very well have been the salt of the earth as an adult. What you are judging now is your memory of a childhood bully and an angry teen.
If we were all judged based on who we were in our youth and the mistakes we made way back then, about 85% of us would absolutely suck.
I know my husband and I wouldn’t have ended up together if I’d judged him on his past. I would have run in the other direction. But instead, I judged him based on the person he was trying to become after he overcame his issues, and he’s flourished in life because of my emotional support.
He had an incredibly dark past filled with things he regretted and things that got him locked up. Now he’s several years sober, is a business owner, and has incredibly supportive friends. He changed his life for the better, and there’s a fair chance this guy did also.
Quit living in the past, and quit judging people based on their worst. All you’d accomplish is causing his loved ones more pain than they’re already having to suffer through.” Oliviarose85
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I do not understand everyone’s need to pretend that people were better than they actually were.
I am so sick of the beatification of the deceased no matter what kind of a jerk they were in life. I have now had 2 people in my life pass away that were not the awesome people that everyone thought and have found it very difficult to deal with my emotions surrounding these events because no one wants to deal with the fact that my late ex was an awful abuser and my Mom was a secret narcissist, who stole from me.
Nope. I am the jerk for even saying these things out loud. How are the people remaining supposed to deal with the passing of a person, if we can’t talk about who they actually were and what they actually did in life? Why does everyone else get to judge another person’s experiences?
I do understand respect for the family, but in my case it was family.
What about respect for the living and what they experienced? This is pretty fresh for me, excuse the rant OP.” ScreamyPeanut
Another User Comments:
“Light YTJ, I get it to a point. If it’s still bugging you 40 years later I’m guessing he must have been pretty horrible to you, or you have some issues of your own you haven’t got over yet.
Either way, I do have a little bit of sympathy for you.
Don’t do it though, he’s gone so whatever you say you’re not saying to him. You’d be saying it to his friends and family who are still probably grieving. And who knows, maybe he’s changed in that time so the jerk you knew isn’t even the same person. Or maybe he is and all these other people that have been dealing with this jerk longer than you have are just going to be annoyed by you pointing out the stuff they already know.” akaMichAnthony
2. WIBTJ If I Ask For A 4-Dollar Refund?
“This past week, my wife and I went out to dinner at a Korean BBQ spot. It’s incredibly busy and they try to turn tables as quickly as possible, but the food is good and cheap (~$14-$20 per type of meat entree, with unlimited sides without tax/tip and drinks).
We usually go once a month or so, and in the past have usually ordered 1-2 drinks along with 1-2 types of meat per person, for a bill of closer to $60-$70.
I’m recovering from surgery so I walk slow and can’t drink liquor per doctor’s orders and don’t have much of an appetite.
We went during a peak time and got seated, and ended up only ordering one meat each ($15/person). Our waiter was clearly annoyed we didn’t order anything else, as it’s unlimited sides with whatever you order. The bill came, and it was $30 (2 x $15 meat), plus 10% tax, for a bill of $33.
I remarked to my wife it’s a good deal when we don’t order booze considering the amount of food you get, only $39 after a 20% tip. When we finished, the waiter was trying to get us to leave because the place was so busy.
Ok, I get it, and I know I’m slow right now.
I tipped 20% on the pre-tax amount ($6) on the merchant copy of the receipt for a total of $39 but left the customer copy there blank (as I guess I’m too trusting, never had an issue doing that in the past – lesson learned).
Today my bank reached out to me to ask if I meant to tip 30% on the meal (they apparently do this whenever anyone tips more than 20%). I was confused, and they showed the breakout of the transaction on my credit card as $33 meal + tax, $10 tip, for a total of $43.
I definitely, 100% left a $6 tip and felt that was fair.
WIBTJ if I called the restaurant to ask what was up/ask for a $4 credit, or should I just let it be? I don’t really need $4 and don’t care about the $, but it annoys me they changed the tip amount without my consent.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Tell the bank that this was fraudulent and you want the entire tip returned (not just the extra), then contact the restaurant and demand that the employee is fired. If the restaurant does anything other than ‘that was wrong, the employee is now fired,’ blast them on social media and let as many people as possible know that the restaurant condones employees stealing from customers.
That’s what it is, theft.
I know you say the money isn’t important, but look at it this way – they turn tables over as fast as possible, so if they’re adding extra to the tip just how much are these thieves raking in every night? This is an area ripe for theft, as no one saves their receipts and compares them to the credit card statement every month, and no one remembers how much they tipped at every location.
Personally, I’m thinking that the restaurant management is in on this.” DerekScott
Another User Comments:
“If you accuse them of theft and forgery without asking to first see the copy they have on file. YWBTJ. It really depends on your handwriting. I know I’m going to get heat for this.
Look, for context, I am a server. And there have been numerous times over my 20 years that the slip was not clear. It doesn’t sound like the two numbers could be mixed up but it is possible. Before you get someone fired over what could be a simple 4-dollar mistake call the restaurant.
I guarantee they have a copy on file (required by law.) Ask to see it. No one should lose their ability to support their family for over four dollars. Especially if it was a mistake. You said the restaurant was busy.
Maybe he misread it. Maybe your penmanship was rushed and not clear. All I’m saying is people are struggling right now. Maybe be a nice guy and ASK first. If you call making accusations without at least asking to see a copy, then sorry not sorry YWBTJ.
Your bank statement is not proof of intent. Until you ASK. And unless you have a copy that’s been forged. You have evidence that the charge was made. But not proof he stole or changed it.” Global-Advice-4699
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I think it’s going to cause a lot of fuss for $4.
What if it was a genuine accident? You want to keep returning to this restaurant, right? Personally, I’d let it go and see if it happens again under similar circumstances. Also, how would your bank know that it was a 30% tip? Doesn’t the bank or credit card only see the final bill, not an itemized breakdown that it was a meal for two and not just a single person? Also, it was a $10 tip—is your bank truly shocked by that? Also, always take your receipt and download the app for your bank or credit card and verify for yourself that the right amount was debited from your account.
ETA—very cool feature by Capital One to check-in & confirm the tip. I think OP should talk to the restaurant owner as they need to take steps to protect their business. I would be as discreet as possible so that the waiters don’t realize that the jig is up.” Newauntie26
Another User Comments:
“I would have said NTJ but technically you don’t have ‘proof’ with the completed customer copy.
If you had completed the customer copy as proof, I wouldn’t hesitate to call the restaurant.
But since you don’t have that, I’d say ‘everyone sucks here’. If I am going to complain about something that could potentially affect someone’s employment, I want my story and evidence to be rock solid.
You could have made a mistake on the bill. Not sure where you live but where I live for the courts you need to prove charges beyond a reasonable doubt. To me, there is still doubt.
You can always take a photo of the receipt if you don’t take the customer copy.” Bhammer74
1. AITJ For Ruining The Road Trip With My Morning Sickness?
“I am pregnant for the 3rd time. The 1st time I had no morning sickness and the last one I lost before I got any symptoms. We are on a road trip that my husband insisted we go on. My morning sickness has been brutal and most days I can hardly even hold down water.
My husband is driving because I can’t (seizures). I felt my nausea coming on hard suddenly and I basically begged my husband 3 times to pull over because I was about to puke. He heard me start gagging. I was able to hold it for a little bit, but once I had to swallow it and it came back up I had no choice, it was coming.
He just kept saying ‘we’re almost to a gas station’ for about 20min.
I had nothing to puke in so I took off my glasses and puked out the window, a little got inside and my husband started screaming at me. He knows that when I start gagging we only have a few minutes before it has to come out.
He chose not to stop after I begged him to. When I asked him what he thinks I should’ve done he had no answer. I was trying my best not to puke in the car and I cleaned up what did get in and on the car.
My doctor is concerned about how aggressive my morning sickness is and my husband was there when she expressed the concern. I also had a bucket packed just in case, but my husband unpacked it. I may be the jerk because I could’ve just stood my ground and stayed home or tried harder to swallow it.
I could’ve thought more about how it might’ve turned out, vomiting out the window. I just also think he may be the jerk for not even trying to pull over when I begged him to and then yelling at me.”
Another User Comments:
“…
what did I just read?
NTJ, clearly. You tried to take precautionary measures – he sabotaged that. You gave him warnings – he ignored them. He didn’t pull over when you gave him the Final Notice – he doesn’t get to pitch a fit because poor choices on his part led to you being in a horrific situation.
If there is any way to arrange it, please get off this nightmare and arrange a different mode of travel back home to see your doctor ASAP. You are clearly experiencing very different pregnancy symptoms than you are used to. You do not need to be trapped for hours in a car with someone who has shown you they will not respect your needs or understands the meaning of the word ’emergency.’
Please also consider couple’s counseling.
Someone who ignores what your doctor says, unpacks the bucket, refuses to listen to you for that many warnings, and then blows up at you because you cannot hold in vomit? Needs a serious reality check. A professional can help with that.
Please consider booking the therapist sooner rather than later. Just in case you have an inconveniently timed labor… since he’s really going to need to be cognizant of the fact that you can’t hold that fact of biology in either.” screwedbygenes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
But OP, I’m genuinely concerned for you. This is not ok.
Sometimes it’s hard to recognize red flags in our own relationships. But imagine your best friend was telling you this. Or someone you really love.
Imagine they told you ‘my morning sickness has been terrible.
Enough to the point that my doctor is concerned. My husband knows but insisted we go on a road trip. Wouldn’t take no for an answer. So we went, and I packed a bucket just in case, but he removed it.
I had no options in the car in case I felt sick. I ended up feeling very ill and tried to hold it in but asked him to pull over. He refused. I asked several times, trying to keep it down.
He continued to refuse. So my body finally did what it naturally does and I got sick out the window and partially into the car. My husband yelled at me and is angry with me.’
OP, I hope you would tell your friend that this was absolutely not her fault.
That she is growing a literal human, her organs are literally moving, and her morning sickness is not something she can control.
I hope you can tell yourself those things too. Or if you can’t, hear me (and the other commenters) when we say that you are not to blame here. There is nothing you could have done differently. You begged your husband to pull over and he didn’t. This. Is. Not. Your. Fault.” LucyAriaRose
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