People Call On Us To Answer Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. AITJ For Trying To Stop Reconciliation Between My Husband And His Estranged Brother?
“The last time my husband and his brother talked was 2020. My husband and his siblings are in varying degrees of contact with each other due to a lot of drama. The relevant bit is that my husband said something to his mother in front of their youngest sister that she took offense to.
She then immediately called BIL and then BIL called my husband. I’ve never been told the contents of that phone call, but my husband was steaming mad and they haven’t spoken since. (My husband and his mother and sister made up fairly quickly.)
Last year, I had an incredibly high-risk pregnancy.
BIL and his long-term partner didn’t reach out at all. I’m not going to lie; before then, I had encouraged my husband to reach out to his brother. But after their callousness towards him, me, and our (then) unborn child, I changed my mind.
A few weeks ago we happened to drop past MIL’s house with our kids when they were there.
My husband ended up talking to his brother about fixing something at her house and then they just didn’t stop talking. His partner took my children into the backyard without telling me. It backs up to a giant wooded area; it’s not fenced in, and there’s a creek.
I do not know her well enough to trust her to supervise them there. But when I went and got them in and told his partner that I’d appreciate it if she asked my permission first, all of a sudden, I was the bad guy and got told to “calm down.” My husband and BIL continued to chat away merrily.
It was reiterated on the car ride home by both of us that this was a one-time thing.
Tonight my husband comes to me and tells me that he’d like to invite them back into our lives. I’m angry. I thought that we were both firmly in the same camp about this.
I reminded him that I’d encouraged this until what happened last year, and he asked me if there was any chance of me “getting over that.” I told him I needed a longer time to process this and would need them to reach out and apologize to me.
I asked him to keep it to social media convos for a while while I think about it, but my gut says no.
He is of the opinion that asking them to apologize would open up old drama that he’s trying to move past. I responded that if they were so fragile that asking for an apology from them would be too much, I don’t really care to have them around him and our family.
I just don’t think these are safe people to let back in. In fact, the opposite; I think they’re toxic. I really don’t see how BIL and his partner could even look at me, coo over the baby, and say nothing about it. Also, his family is rather prone to hysterics.
I don’t want to deal with the fallout in six month’s time when he and his brother have another fight and then he’s a moody grump for the next month.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – sometimes when people are having medical trouble you purposely don’t ask 1).
To give a person/family space and privacy 2) person figures it may be difficult for you (emotional) to talk about 3) person figures everyone is asking and it must get annoying – that you guys don’t want to have to talk about it all the time 4) people are dumb and just don’t think – could have actually never occurred to him to reach out – perhaps he let your MIL be the contact person and he gets info from her.
It’s his brother he grew up with and still has love towards and you denying him this relationship because of your grudge is uncaring and out of line. 20 whatever years growing up together trumps this. Regarding the partner, I am protective too but her heart was in the right place.
Don’t put up walls; look for common ground. You aren’t going to live with them – to see them occasionally, we all have to put up with in-laws who aren’t our favorite people. That’s what families do.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ, I understand being upset about the kids running off but I do think it sounds like your husband and BiL genuinely missed each other considering the way you describe them talking. Having had a serious estrangement and reunification, it’s amazingly healing.
I know you were upset about not being contacted by them during your pregnancy, but if it was me I would have hesitated to reach out and potentially cause more stress.
It might not be a matter of not caring, but more not knowing if it was okay to reconnect while someone is going through a difficult time.
Letting family back in doesn’t mean you’re going to be visiting all the time, it does mean a chance to build a relationship that was better than what it was before.” pnwcrabapple
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna withhold judgment for now. There are a lot of sides to this story that we’re not hearing. And there are a ton of emotions involved. You are absolutely entitled to your feelings, I just don’t know if encouraging no contact between brothers is a good idea.
I think a better option would be everyone sitting down face to face and maybe discussing how you feel? Get the BIL’s side of the story before jumping to conclusions about why they didn’t contact you.
You make a beautiful point about BIL not being able to apologize though.
Even if it wasn’t intentional, BIL and his partner hurt your feelings. So much so that you don’t trust them around your kids. If they aren’t mature enough to apologize, even if they feel they haven’t done anything wrong, I wouldn’t want them in my life either.
That can get exhausting. But it is your husband’s brother, so please be considerate of his feelings too. Maybe give BIL and his partner a chance before you cast them out of your life for good?” GlobalCalligrapher78
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…But… I don’t think—from what I’ve read here—that you’re wrongly concerned. It seems like his family is extremely emotionally volatile and has a dysfunctional dynamic wherein someone is always on the outs.
However… I must say that I do understand why your husband would want his brother back in his life. That’s a very natural compulsion that I think you ought to try to be sensitive to. I don’t think that you should say no or yes; I think your initial thought of letting them sort of “reintroduce” themselves over social media messages and polite meetings here and there is the right call.
That way, you and your husband can judge better where his brother is at in life and see if it’s someone y’all want in y’all’s life. I’d just say to keep a cautious eye on things. Maybe you could look into family dynamics…they have short videos explaining dysfunctional dynamics as well as literature.
If you still feel the brother would be a disrupting force/source of pain for your husband, suggest to him that he read/view some materials. This will likely help him free himself of that sense of familial obligation and, ultimately, arrive at your conclusion (should your conclusion remain the same after a period of messaging/polite, quick meetings).” chai_and_rose
15. AITJ For Lashing Out At My Stepmother For Uninviting Me On A Family Trip?
“I’m (18f) not sure where to begin this exactly, but when I was 13, my parents separated, and my dad remarried someone we’ll call “Sarah” for clarity. Sarah has never acted like we are family, just roommates. Granted, it’s not like I gave her the warmest welcome when she came into my life.
I was a teenager and hurting because of the divorce. I often wonder if my attitude and… admittedly, accusations of being my life’s downfall created such a divide I’ll never be able to heal it.
Anyway, as the years have gone by we, for the most part, stick to ourselves.
We chat if out at a family activity like bowling or whatever, but other than that we don’t speak unless she’s telling me to do chores.
I was getting ready to go to class when my younger stepbrother kept coming and getting in my way, for some reason the little brat thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world to grab something I need while getting ready and running off.
This is weirdly routine. I was putting on my shoes (this post was written by the putting both socks and then shoes on gang), and my little brother walks up to the kitchen table where I am. He grabs my laptop and runs, because this sort of thing has happened before I immediately start running after him and yelling about how important my laptop is.
When I caught him, I’m almost screaming. I’m tired of him taking my crap when I need to leave the house. I was PMSing a bit, and I was already late for class.
Sarah comes in and starts yelling at me because my brother has tears in his eyes.
I try explaining he took my laptop, and Sarah knows he does this, and usually takes my side on this. Sarah tells me it’s unacceptable to blow up at a 12-year-old, and because I’m extremely mad, I immediately say something close to “he deserves it.” Sarah then tells me that she can’t handle having an adult so irresponsible as me around the house acting like this.
She says that I can’t go on vacation with the rest of the family this year. I blow up even more and tell her to screw off and that she’s never liked me to begin with.
Now my dad and stepmom say I can’t come on vacation because of how I treated my stepmom.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, brothers and sisters squabble. It’s as old as time. Explain to your dad and stepmother that all siblings bicker, and over time, these little blips will blow over as everyone matures.
Nobody needs to be banned from the family for squabbling.
And if given the opportunity, everyone will begin to blend together. After all, both parents want and are building a blended family. What good is it for the future of the family if one of the members of the family is suddenly shunned?
Both the 12-year-old and you should equally apologize to each other.
That’s it. This isn’t a big hairy deal, nor should it be treated like one.
It’s kids bickering, not WW3. Everyone needs to relax and allow the parent to ask everyone to apologize, and then the kids (you are still a kid OP) apologize, and everyone gets on with the job of building a family.
Because that’s what you are all doing. You are building a family. Let’s not start chucking family members into the wilderness quite yet.” PerkyLurkey
Another User Comments:
“ESH – Screaming at your brother is immature. Your brother shouldn’t be stealing your things – talk to your parents about how they want you to react when he does.
It sounds like a very tense household, and his acting out could be a reaction to that. Your stepmother overreacted, but frankly, it sounds like you made her life heck. You acknowledge that you have called her your “life’s downfall”, and that even now that you share a living space you barely speak to her unless you’re at an activity (that presumably she and your dad paid for).
It doesn’t sound like you enjoy each other’s company. Why would she want to take you on a vacation? Spending her vacation tip-toeing around you and refereeing the bickering between you and your brother isn’t a vacation.
You’re an adult now. Adults vacation with people they like.
You have a broken relationship with your stepmom. Consider having a conversation with your dad and her about the kind of relationship you want to have with them going forward. Maybe when that relationship is repaired, you and your stepmom will enjoy each other enough to vacation together.” desirerich
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This kid is TWELVE?! And pulling this crap? I say this as I look at my slightly immature 12-year-old who wouldn’t do this. Stepmom needs to woman up and do better with teaching her kid how to behave.
Blowing up at a kid is never really good, but we’re all human and we all hit our breaking points.
This should have been handled better by the mom, and once you can be back home and calmer, an apology from the child for taking your things and an apology from you for blowing up. (And before you all come at me, yes, we should apologize to children when we overreact and blow up at them, even when they’re being little craps.
Demonstrating accountability is important. I apologize to my children when I end up blowing up at them. It doesn’t mean that I don’t also explain to them that they were wrong for doing what they did to get me to the point where I blew up).
Uninviting you to a family vacation was excessive, to say the least. Stepmom needs to calm herself and admit that she only did exactly what you did (blow up), and that she was wrong to uninvite you, and she should have handled it better.
The world would be a much better place if we could all learn to admit when we overreacted.” Glitter_Geek
14. AITJ For Getting Eloped Shortly After My Brother Got Engaged?
It’s one thing if they quickly jumped into eloping solely to draw away from the brother’s engagement, but in reality, they were planning to get married soon anyway.
“I have been with my significant other for over 10 years. For the past few years, we have openly been telling family and friends that we aren’t going to have a traditional engagement and traditional American wedding, and we are going to just “sign the papers” or get eloped based on our personal views.
We didn’t want to deal with the drama and cost of the wedding and wanted to keep it as low-key as possible.
At the beginning of the year, we decided this was the year we had to move forward and sign the papers to make it official mainly due to our age since we felt like we can’t wait much longer if we want to be married before having children.
We were going to locally sign the papers in January, but due to resistance from my significant other’s parents, we kept delaying as we tried to find a way to accommodate their needs.
The year went by fast and we still didn’t make any forward progress with our marriage plans.
We both knew that if we reached the end of the year, we would just go to the local city hall and sign the papers before Christmas.
In October, my 4 year younger brother surprised us by proposing to his partner to begin a 2-year-long engagement.
We were worried that they may not appreciate us getting married within a few months of their engagement, but we felt like we couldn’t put our life on hold any longer.
We decided to move forward with our marriage and told them and our friends and family about our plans to get married on our vacation in December.
After the event, we didn’t post on social media or make any fuss because we didn’t make a big deal of it.
When we returned from our wedding, my younger brother told me they were upset about the timing of the events.
Before Christmas, my brother warned me to be sensitive with what I say around his fiancée about our wedding due to their feelings about the timing.
To not cause drama, both I and my wife refrained from talking about our wedding at our family Christmas party.
After Christmas, my brother told me they appreciated our behavior at Christmas but were very upset since they felt Christmas was ruined for them by our wedding timing, and they felt that they didn’t get the full spotlight due to our actions.
They told us that us getting married only 1.5 months after their engagement was not socially acceptable and their friends even apologized to them for our bad timing and their friends said we probably snuck in our wedding to “beat the younger brother to it.”
Following Christmas, they continue to be upset at us for our bad timing and it seems they will never fully get over it.
Both me and my wife can’t help but feel like they are in the wrong for making us feel bad for what we did and even controlling how we expressed ourselves at Christmas. We also feel that they are immature for putting their need for attention in front of the fact that we just got married.
AITJ for eloping within 2 months of my brother’s engagement?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Is it part of the US culture to think that your major life event somehow precludes others from deciding when to have their major life events?
In my mind: you get engaged and announce it – that’s day 1 of the spotlight.
The actual wedding is day 2. Everything in between is not of importance, why should anyone care he got engaged 6 weeks ago, that is incredibly self-centered.
NTJ. OP, you did not announce your marriage on his engagement day; you even were courteous enough to not talk about it at Xmas even though you totally could if you wanted. They are being bratty kids about this and it was them who ruined their Xmas, not you.” ameanjew
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I really don’t get what your brother’s problem is. You didn’t get married the same day as his engagement/announcement – that would have been crappy. What were you meant to do? Wait 2 years until he got married first?
I don’t get this whole culture of once engaged, no other family member/friend is allowed to do anything in their own lives – get engaged themselves/get married/have a baby. It’s ridiculous. No one’s life stops because 1 family member is doing something.” Glittering-Weekend74
Another User Comments:
“You’re not stealing the spotlight it’s just that people literally just don’t care that much that they are engaged months later. I mean are they expecting the paparazzi or something?
You’ve been engaged and been trying to get married MUCH longer… It sounds like they’re engagement stole YOUR spotlight.
Clearly, your brother had no intentions of putting his life on hold waiting for your wedding.
No one getting engaged or married could possibly ruin a holiday. Actually, the only thing that ruins holidays is people ruining it for themselves.
It’s unfortunate they couldn’t get over themselves long enough to enjoy the holiday.
Ntj.” Obvious_scoripo
13. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Daughter During Her Financial Crisis?
“My wife and I have 3 grown-up kids, 30m, 28f, and 23f.
23f has a difficulty in that she doesn’t like work and she does like spending! She’s never really applied herself in any job she’s had, does the minimum, and moves around a lot when she gets bored. As a result, she keeps doing entry-level jobs with low salaries.
Her stock phrase is, “No one is on their death bed wishing they’d spent more time at the office.” This would be ok if she’d spend within her means. She doesn’t.
Her friends are now moving up in their careers and can afford nicer things and more expensive holidays, nights out, etc., and she is still trying to keep up with them, using her credit card.
Things have now got worse. She had just split from her partner of a year and is devastated. We are hurting with her about this. She wasn’t living with him, so her living costs haven’t really changed (she shares with a friend), but she says she has been going out more and using retail therapy to get over him.
I suspect he paid for a lot of things for her, which she now has to pay for herself. I also suspect this was part of the reason he split from her, from odd things she’s said.
In the past, we’ve helped her out of her financial holes and constantly talked to her about budgeting and not overspending.
It’s obviously not done any good, and last time we told her it was a loan that she needed to pay back and that we weren’t doing it again. She paid some, not all, of it back but is now in debt again, and we’re worried about her.
She wants another ‘loan.’ We were in agreement and told her no, but that I would help her by looking at her finances. Having done so, we worked out that she would need to cut most discretionary spending and take on a second job (there are a lot around at the moment) to increase her income.
The problem is, she would need to work about 60 hours per week total (of admittedly boring and hard work) and significantly reduce her ‘fun.’ She’s really upset and accusing me of being heartless and forcing her into slave labor.
My wife is now wavering.
She’s now worrying that she’ll deal substances and ruin her life if we don’t pay her, and ‘we’re parents for life.’ I don’t know where this has even come from, but I’m starting to feel like a terrible parent.
At the same time, I don’t think it helps her if we keep bailing her out. We can’t give or lend her finances in a pain-free way to ourselves. It also feels unfair on our other kids who are not rolling in it and could surely use some extra bucks but never ask.
For info, we discussed her moving back home, but she currently lives 200 miles away so would have to give up her whole life, which would be even worse.
AITJ if I don’t give her money this time?”
Another User Comments:
“It’s the old adage of give a man a fish or teach them to fish.
If you give her what she asks for, you’d only be pushing off the problem for the future. Unless she makes some serious changes, she’s going to be right back asking for help in very little time.
Sounds to me like she’s digging her own grave, and just assumes you will help her rather than taking the necessary steps to get herself on the right track again.
NTJ, a handout isn’t going to help her in the long run.” Spidermack
Another User Comments:
“DON’T DO IT.
I’ve seen the “parents for life” attitude your wife has and once you commit to it, you’re IN. She has to hit “rock bottom” and pull herself out, and the earlier the better.
If you keep bailing her out until she’s thirty, you’ll have a perpetual child for life. And that’s not in her favor or yours.
Really, her brain is still making lumps and ridges. Get her to experience hard, boring work before she’s 25. It will at least give her an honest look at what life is for everyone else on the planet.
If she still doesn’t like it, she can come up with creative ways to circumvent it, but she’ll still know how to make it on her own.
This is a hard time for a lot of parents. You have to at least pretend not to be there when she fails.
You can catch her at the last minute, but give her some leeway to fail first. She sounds pretty smart and capable to me, anyway.” lilmsbaldinabuffant
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but keep communication lines as open as you can (especially with your wife, for what are probably obvious reasons).
Your daughter is acting very immaturely with her accusations and hyperbole, and even worse with her demands for funds. She’s trying to walk a high wire, you’re the safety net. You don’t need to keep her up there, just make sure she’s safe if she falls.
Sounds like you’ll take her in if she wants to move back home, so it’s not like she’ll be out on the street, she’ll just have to swallow a whole lot of pride (which is probably exactly what she needs to do).
Have you checked in with your other children to see if they can talk to her?
Sometimes coming from a sibling things sound much better than coming from a parent.” JsCTmav
The only way I would help her is if she agreed to
Move home
Get full time job, or 2 part time
Give you her entire paycheck, you give a set amount to cover, food and NEEDS
you pay her bill out of her pay
Any complaining, she's out, and still has to pay her own bills.
12. AITJ For Giving My Unborn Baby A Name My Family And Husband Hate?
“I’m 29F, pregnant with MCMA twins. MCMA is a rare type of identical twins that share the same placenta AND amniotic sac. Thus, they carry a higher risk of complications such as miscarriages, stillbirth, fetal anomalies, and cord entanglement.
I’ve always had a name I wanted to name a future child – my best friends know and they expected me to use it for my firstborn, but I didn’t because my dear husband didn’t like it.
We eventually settled on a name we both loved, and it was perfect. Our 2nd has a different gender, so I forgot about it. Now that I’m pregnant with twins, and after finding out their gender, I told my husband to let me use it.
After a lot of back and forth, we decided to each choose a name, and we can’t go against what the other had chosen. It’d be a lie to say I instantly love the name my husband chose, but I’ve learned to accept and love it.
I’ve been talking to the twins, calling them by the name we’ve decided, while my husband is not keeping to his deal; he uses every chance he gets to insult the name I chose.
Now that we’re closer to the estimated delivery day, family keeps asking us for the names we’ve decided on.
I evaded until I got tired of it, just told them in hopes they wouldn’t pester me anymore. Mom hates the name with a passion. She told Dad, and he went on to give me a full lecture justifying why I should change it, which really doesn’t make sense at all.
They are now, like my husband, using every chance they get to insult that name together. MIL didn’t say anything after I told her, but she sent me a 17-minute video of baby names, which I didn’t watch. I didn’t reply but only reacted with a thumbs-up emoji.
She went on to suggest a few names, which I politely rejected. She continued sending me a whole bunch of names, and now I have stopped replying.
I told my husband and he said it’s a bad name. He is very old school and traditional like his parents and mine – the only reason I can think of why they hate that name.
My friends loved it and exclaimed, “About time.” They waited for me to use it, and one even said she had considered it. My sisters and SILs loved it too. SIL even took my side and told off my husband and MIL (her bro and mom).
I’ve made it clear to my husband that I don’t care what he/anyone else thinks. I don’t think the name he chose is that great but I accepted it because it was OUR DEAL. I said I could actually not let him have a say at all.
I’m the one who is going through this pregnancy and carrying the twins. I am the one who’s sprawled out on an uncomfortable chair in the gynae’s office to get checked on for hours ONCE EVERY WEEK! Don’t get me started on the morning sickness, sleepless nights, acid reflux, back, leg, side, rib – you name the pain – I feel it.
The emotional pain; the tears I held in every time I leave the OBGYN’s office with unfavorable news or with every call from a lab result.
Why can’t they just let me be happy and be at peace? Why do they feel so entitled to bring me down just because they dislike it?
What right do they have over me, the mother?!”
Another User Comments:
“I wasn’t sure at first but threatening to not let him name the other baby or be involved automatic YTJ to me. I think you’re both wrong though in naming your children a name the other hates/dislikes.
I’d also be really concerned if my spouse and all the parents had such a horrible reaction to the name I wanted. That is not a normal reaction to get. Some not approving or loving it but THAT strong a reaction? Erg.” herdingcats2020
Another User Comments:
“Consider telling your husband that you have seen the light, and you’ve decided on a new name. Go with something like Rainbow or Unicorn or Meteor. These are just sample names, choose some names that are sure to be distasteful, especially when compared to the beautiful name you’ve already chosen.
It’s quite possible they’ll beg you to go back to your original name.” KPinCVG
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A deal is a deal. Unless, of course, he wants you to name them both. Best of luck, this is a high-risk pregnancy and you don’t deserve this as added stress.
Unless of course, he feels like crapping a couple of pumpkins, then he can have the honor of naming them both.” Equivalent-Tree-9915
11. AITJ For Telling My Cousin The Reason People Don't Want To Be Friends With Her?
“My parents and Snow’s parents have been friends since before I was born. They will refer to me and Snow as each other’s cousins even though we technically aren’t related. Snow and I don’t interact at all at school, since we’re in different grades, but we have to be around each other fairly often because of our parents.
Snow’s parents are super nice people. They volunteer at Habitat for Humanity in their free time and treat all their kids equally. But Snow herself is not a good person; she lies and sabotages others to make herself seem like a hero.
For example, she made fake texts to convince her friend “Hana’s” partner that Hana had been two-timing him.
(I know because Snow “borrowed” my iPad to do it.) After he broke up with Hana, Snow comforted Hana and pretended like she had no idea who gave him/made the fake texts.
Another time, she lied to her friend “Ava” that their other friend “Jen” was planning to delete Ava’s art folder where she saved all her animations.
When Ava and Jen got into a fight over it, Snow turned on Ava, called her a liar, and then convinced her other friends to kick Ava out of their friend group.
Snow has been doing things like this since middle school, and she is now a senior at our high school.
By now, people have realized that Snow was the one actually causing all the drama and issues and now avoid her. Nobody is mean to her; they just avoid her. They’ll work with her for school projects if they’re paired together, but they only speak to Snow for project reasons.
Her parents have talked to the school, but the school can’t do anything, because like I said, nobody is being mean to Snow, and other students will work with her for project reasons. They can’t force people to be Snow’s friend.
Snow was complaining about how unfair her life is and blamed former friends like Hana and Ava.
I was tired of it, so I told Snow that people aren’t bullying her; they just recognize what kind of person she is and do not want to be associated with her. She’s acted like a bad person for years, so stop playing the victim now that others don’t trust you.
Our school also has a friendship club where she can play board games with people and doesn’t have to be alone during lunch. Snow will have to put in the hard work to gain people’s trust back, and she must accept that some people will never be able to trust her again.
Snow hasn’t told her parents about what I said. And I have never told Snow’s parents about her own behavior. My parents told me not to bring it up to her parents because they don’t want it to hurt the friendship.
The people who I have told are divided. Some are saying it was a needed reality check.
But others are saying that mass shunning is a form of bullying and that nobody deserves that. And what I said to Snow was victim-blaming. Now I’m questioning if I should have not said anything.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Mass shunning can be a form of bullying.
It’s very effective, too—it’s how pacifist communities self-police and has been for a very long time. But, for it to be mass shunning, it would have to be a planned, concerted effort. If it’s just that everyone individually avoids her because they don’t trust her, the effect on Snow may be the same, but the intent to bully isn’t there.
I am curious about what her family is like behind closed doors. Behavior like that—especially when it’s a clear pattern and not a one-off—doesn’t come from a vacuum. She got it from somewhere. And there are lots of people who present a great front to the outside world while acting very differently being closed doors.
In fact, the smart monsters do it on purpose. It’s way easier to hide when you’ve got people rushing to defend you because you’re always at church/volunteering/engaged with the community/donating to good causes/whatever.
But I would like to emphasize here that this is not your responsibility to investigate.
If there’s even any cause for suspicion to begin with. I am a suspicious soul who makes mountains out of molehills sometimes.” WeirdLawBooks
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
But I do think you should tell your parents the full situation and should go and tell Snow’s parents too… They have no idea why no one is not talking to their child nor have any idea what she has done.
They should know.
You are thinking of not spoiling relationships, but how would anyone feel that you knew the reason all along but didn’t tell them? They may be upset, but as parents, it will also make them take the necessary corrective action needed
Snow is definitely going to go through some mental health issues.
Though mass shunning can be a form of bullying, it depends on case to case. In this case, it’s just more like people are protecting themselves, and who wouldn’t when a person just does things out of spite and no other reason? Again, this leads me to believe Snow definitely has some kind of psychological issue.
Involve the adults. Tell her parents everything. Tell them in a nice way. Tell them that you are only trying to do the best for the situation, so they can help Snow out.” BrainFriedHobbit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Karma, in its pure Buddhist context, is the rule of action and consequence.
Everything we do has a corresponding consequence, good or bad. Snow is experiencing the consequences, or karma, for being deceitful and unkind. She will have to do good to receive good from the people around her to turn that around. You simply informed her of your accurate observations.
Also, self-protection from dangerous humans is not bullying. As long as they aren’t being verbally unkind etc, they are just trying to stay out of her ripple-zone.” Choice_Mongoose2427
10. AITJ For Not Allowing Anyone In Our Home Besides The People Who Live Here?
“In spring 2017, my partner and I bought a house together.
He had given his mom a key. I would start coming home to find that she had changed things. She took down my curtains and put up ones she liked instead. Or she put up decor or took down decor.
Sometimes I’d come home only to find her there. Or she would walk straight into our bedroom or bathroom. And she’d snoop through my medications and belongings.
She also is a hoarder (I’m talking TLC style) and very very dirty. We’ve now had our house fumigated 5 times (2x for roaches, 2x for bed bugs, and 1x for fleas) after she’s been over and brought boxes of crap over.
Around 2020 (after the last fumigation), I started having panic attacks at the prospect of people coming over or being in the house. I mean full blown seeing specks in my vision hyperventilating feeling like the world will end type of panic attacks.
So I set a rule, NOBODY – not my friends or family or his enter the home unless it absolutely must be done.
The only people in the house are me and him.
Well, on New Year’s Day, my Ring app goes off, and I see 3 unfamiliar cars at my house while I’m at work. I see his mom, brother, brother’s partner, sister, BIL, 2 nephews, uncle, and 3 cousins going into my house.
I immediately get thrown into a panic attack. I start repeatedly calling his phone from both my phone and the store phone, and he’s sending it to voice mail.
My managers had to call the pharmacists over and they were debating on calling an ambulance because they said my blood pressure was at lethal levels and I was close to a stroke.
When I finally get myself pulled together I decide to just clock out and go home. It’s probably about 2 hours later at this point.
I find that my frogs’ vivarium door is opened, all my bookshelf stuff is moved, my religious alters are touched, and the house is a pigsty.
I ask him why he would totally disrespect the one thing I asked of him and disregard my well-being like that. He just keeps saying, “It’s not people. It’s my folks. I didn’t bring people in the house; it was my folks.”
I tried to tell him how bad the panic attack was, and he said, “That’s because you’re crazy.
You’re stupid and crazy. And now you’re the crazy person of (store) too.”
We didn’t talk for almost a week.
I posted in a group about anxiety and panic attacks about it. But everyone said I was awful for not allowing people in the house because he pays bills too, so I’m mistreating him and isolating him.
Side note he does see his family about 2x a month and I WAS THE ONE THAT TOLD HIM TO SEE THEM MORE. We live about an hour away from them and he was only seeing them maybe 2x a year. We go see them, go to his sister’s house, go out to eat, go do things together.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, yes, the rule may be a tad extreme, but it is a sign that you are incompatible. His mother forced your house to be fumigated 5 times in 3 years due to her own hygiene issues costing you a lot and has touched and removed your personal items multiple times.
Yet your partner sees absolutely no issue with this? He also has no issue that your mental health has been impacted by his own mother, then has the gall to call you crazy.
I have read your replies and you pay most of the household costs and do all of the cleaning so what does your partner really bring to the table?
You also say he has refused to go to therapy or couples counseling, so clearly he has no intention of ever setting boundaries with his mother and her dirty fingers.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in this situation? Mental health is no joke and will in time cause physical health illness.
You taking medication and going to therapy is not going to cure you if you’re still exposed to the threat of a bug infestation.
Time to sit and really consider your future as nothing will change unless you make the change.” ale473
Another User Comments:
“ESH. YTJ for making such an extreme rule. “Your mother is not allowed to come back” or “No company unless we both are aware and agree.” Your man is a jerk because he brought his family over without asking you, probably because he knew you wouldn’t approve.
If he’s paying for it, he deserves to have a say in the house rules. However, the fact that his mother brought bugs and crap over and obviously disrespected your space is a good reason to ban her from the house.
Most importantly, if you reacted that extremely, you really need some help.
I’m saying this not to be a jerk, but that I’m genuinely concerned for you.” EmuRemarkable1099
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
And to be honest, it was HIS family (specifically his mother) that was the foundation of your panic attacks. Not only the stress (financial and hygiene) with the infestation but also the repeated invasions of privacy.
OP you may have helped to buy a place but is it a home when you have no control over anything? Because your partner’s mother would move things, change things, etc. Nothing was sacred.
So I’d wonder if you got a place yourself, would you feel the same way with your own family and friends?
You might still have anxiety and it might be hard, but with your own space under your control that does not involve his family… I think your anxiety could possibly be less intense. I’m not a mental health professional though.
It sounds like you guys need to break up though.
His family specifically (aka his mom) is triggering such extreme anxiety. Yes he should have the ability to have his family over at his place of residence, but you deserve to feel safe (and clean) and respected where you live too. Just those two things aren’t able to be compatible.” H2Ogrl86
9. AITJ For Blaming My Sisters For My Body Insecurities?
“I (20F) have always had issues with my family, particularly my three sisters, making comments about my body, partially because I’m going into a “looks-based” field, acting, even though I’m probably not what would be considered conventionally attractive.
Ever since I started professional theater training two years ago, the comments have really ramped up. They usually have three things they comment on – my hair, my skin, and my weight. They know I’m very proud of having very thick, black curly hair, so they often make comments about it being “not really black,” and compare it unfavorably to my little sister’s by saying hers is darker and “less bushy.” I also have a condition that makes my circulation very poor, so I’m very pale, don’t tan well, and have a lot of red in my skin tone, particularly my face, so it’s a running “joke” that I look like a vampire.
The last one, and the one that does the most damage, is the comments on my weight. At my heaviest a year ago, I weighed around 133, but I’m only 5’3”, so it looked like more weight than it was. My older sister, who’s very small and petite, describes me as “heavy,” and talks about how she wishes I could “share a few of my pounds” with her.
I decided earlier this year that I couldn’t take it anymore, and after I got accepted to drama school, I committed to fixing the things I don’t like about myself. I’ve started taking care of my hair and learning how to use makeup to work with the red in my skin instead of against it.
They didn’t notice these changes, but they did notice when I started losing weight. I’ve been calorie counting, and I’ve lost six or seven pounds since the start of the year.
Last night, after I refused a second bowl of pasta at a family dinner because I didn’t have the calories for it, my mom commented on the fact that I’d been losing weight and asked why I felt like I needed to because I don’t look bad the way I am.
I was honest, and briefly described the last time I got called “heavy” by my sisters. I said that it really got to me and I wanted to make sure I really liked myself before I get to drama school, so that I’m not battling as much insecurity while I’m there.
Everyone was kind of quiet afterward, and my older sister left the table not long after and wouldn’t talk to me.
Later that night my mom pulled me aside and said that I could do what I wanted with my body, but I shouldn’t blame my sisters for the way I felt about myself.
She said it had really hurt my sisters, particularly my older sister, that I had made them feel “guilty” about my choice to lose weight, and even if I’m losing weight because of their comments, I should keep that to myself. My other two sisters have since told me that making my weight loss about them was inappropriate and asked me to apologize for “putting that on them,” because even if they did comment on my weight, they’ve never told me I should lose any, so I have no right to try and make it their responsibility.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sisters can be ruthless. I’m reminded of the time my sister told me I had “thunder thighs.” I was 16 at the time so ya… 31 years later that still stings. Your mom is a jerk and clearly playing favorites by gaslighting you into thinking that you did something wrong by being honest and calling out the real reason you had the insecurity in the first place.
They may not have said you need to lose weight directly but they did make comparisons and make innuendos about how you are heavier and that they were so thin that they could stand to borrow a few lbs from you (passive-aggressive). It was hurtful, yes, and you called it out and made the room uncomfortable.
If they truly didn’t mean to hurt you, then they would have owned their mistake and apologized to you.
I think the real worry is that your mother tried to convolute the situation, which speaks pretty loudly about what’s going on in her head.
Try to understand that parents aren’t perfect people and have their own issues that may go unnoticed, undiagnosed, and unmedicated!
I’m my opinion, 5’3, 133lbs, and thick long black hair with cool undertones… sounds like you are stunning. Mom & sisters might even be a little jealous of you.” C-Know-Evil
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sisters and your mother are though. They knew what they were doing. Belittling you made them feel better about themselves. The only reason they feel guilt is because they know they were intentionally insulting you to make themselves feel better.
Insecure people tend to do that. If they truly ‘meant nothing’ by their comments, then they should feel no guilt at all. I truly loved the ‘even if they did comment on my weight, they’ve never told me I should lose any’ – then why were they bringing it up at all?
This is quintessential gaslighting. How dare you point out their criticism?! How you took our criticism is on you! How dare you put this on us, even if we did constantly comment on your weight!
But I think the part that stings the most is your mom.
‘You should’ve kept that to yourself’….no, you should not do that. Internalizing that kind of nonsense could lead to a lifetime of issues. Your mother, as the parent, should have done her job and stopped this kind of talk immediately. Her rebuke of you and her defense of your sisters is about her own failure as a parent who should have stepped in and shut your sisters down and didn’t.
It sounds like you are about to embark on an amazing journey. I hope Drama school opens up so many opportunities for you and also allows you a healthy distance from your family. I think this time will allow you more clarity in regard to your sisters and give you a chance to grow and become a confident young woman.” ElectronicEcho2788
Another User Comments:
“Well, according to your sisters, they didn’t directly tell you to lose weight, but what was their intention behind all those comments about your weight? They only wanted to make fun of you instead of helping you, and when you lost those pounds, they felt guilty.
The only reason for their guilt is that you said the reason in front of everyone. I almost forgot to mention how they compared your hair also, to make you feel bad. I feel bad that your mother doesn’t seem to understand where you are coming from.
And don’t make others make you feel insecure. You started using make-up according to your complexion, you started taking care of your hair, and now you are also working on your weight. You’ve definitely worked hard, don’t let your sisters’ guilt stop you. All the best.
Definitely NTJ.” P0tter_Head
8. AITJ For Choosing A Different Style Of Wedding From What My Family Wants?
“My partner and I have been together for over a decade. We met in college and have been thick as thieves ever since.
We had discussed that marriage was not super important to us, as our partnership was fulfilling. I honestly think we were just bored and decided “why not?”
Cut to 2022, and we are planning a wedding. I have terrible stage fright and I hate being the center of attention on anything.
I just prefer to be a part of it, not THE part of it. Partner could care less. So a small wedding was in the books. But I have a ton of siblings, who have kids, and he has a ton of family with kids, and we both have remarried parents.
Our small wedding was still going to be about 50 people. We were paying for it ourselves.
My mom can be extremely difficult and mean. So I had to choose a venue instead of having it at a family’s house to keep drama out of the situation.
That made the cost go up as well.
After a stressful couple of months of planning, my partner notices and says that this isn’t how it’s supposed to feel: getting married is a celebration of our love, and shouldn’t depend on what the family thinks.
So we agreed we were going to just elope to France, backpack for a few weeks, and use the money we would have spent on the wedding (our money).
Most of the family was really happy for us. They insisted on gifting us some spending money, even after we said we didn’t need it, and that it wasn’t fair because they weren’t invited. They gave us some anyway.
We had a great time! A blast, really. We backpacked through countries, slept in hostels, rode the train. Got presents for everyone. I had a blog, so they could keep track of us, even.
But now, a few months later, my mom mentions that I “made a lot of people mad” by eloping.
That I made the family feel excluded. I know she is being mean and is most likely jealous that I got to have this adventure. But I am second-guessing myself.
I know it’s “our life” but I don’t want to be seen as selfish or ungrateful for what they’ve given us.
I kind of wish I’d not taken the wedding gifts now, as I feel like I couldn’t repay them with an experience.
And if I am being a jerk, how can I fix it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. By “a lot of people,” your mom means her.
You denied her an opportunity to stand in the spotlight and gush over her daughter’s wedding, and her narcissism can’t handle that. I see how hard you’re working to placate her and avoid drama, as evidenced by your attempt to find a venue despite a family’s home being available.
I speak from over 50 years of experience with this when I tell you that nothing you do will ever do away with the drama. She will always find something to be angry about. The hoops that you’re jumping through to keep her happy are futile.
My mom is like this too, even at 79 years of age. I feel really bad for you because I’m all too familiar with your situation. I wish I had good advice to offer you to remedy the situation, but I’ve yet to find a solution despite spending over 50 years looking for one.” SomeoneYouDontKnow70
Another User Comments:
“Girl, NTJ. You do not owe other people a wedding. Legally speaking it’s a piece of paper that needs to be signed, romantically it’s a celebration of the union of two people, it is up to those two people how they wish that celebration to be held and which parts they want to include (such as guests or religious ceremony) and which they want to leave aside.
It is your wedding, not theirs. How the heck can you be ungrateful? Also, you didn’t ask for a penny.
It really is pretty clear that this is solely your mom that’s upset and she’s hiding behind the “other people” nonsense. Do you really care that much that a woman that you’re saying yourself is deliberately hurtful didn’t get the party she wanted?
Though if I may recommend something to you? Use some of those finances for a therapist and learn to tell your mom to take a hike. And maybe low contact or no contact for a while with her would be a good thing?” OnernyDandelion
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If you angered all these people, why did they not say so? Why did they congratulate you and give you a monetary gift after you already told them they didn’t have to? Your mom is speaking for herself; you made her mad. But it sounds like that’s easy to do, so who cares?
Your partner was right, getting married should be exciting, not stressful. You did it your way and had a great time celebrating your love. That’s what a wedding is supposed to be.
Congrats!” angeltay
7. AITJ For Not Making Grand Valentine's Day Plans With My Wife?
He still got her a gift though, so what’s the issue?
“My wife is my lobster.
We met 17 years ago and married two years later, we have two incredible teenage daughters.
I’m the romantic in our marriage. On our 10-year anniversary, I surprised her by flying her bridesmaids back to our town and held a vow renewal in the same place we got married, with the same photographer, officiant, flowers, etc.
In the beginning, I would make flip book stories and wire art for her from stuff at work. After we earned more, I would start sending her away to visit her friends and buy her jewelry, etc. I even surprised her with a Christmas trip to visit her best friend in England where she got to see her great-grandmother for the first time in 30 years on her 100th birthday weeks before she passed away.
I’m a hopeless romantic. It’s always been important to me to show my daughters how a partner deserves to be treated. To never expect or settle for less than they’re worth.
My wife not so much, she loves me. I know. She just doesn’t do romance.
She’s never done anything for Valentine’s Day or anniversaries and even forgot my birthday once. It never got to me. My daughter suggested I take a break from things and just do nothing for Valentine’s Day since “mom always said we don’t need to be told when and how to love our partner.”
So I got her a signed and personalized book from her favorite author and a hand-crafted leather bookmark with her initials. Well, she found out I had no real plans and kind of blew up a bit. Told me it was crappy to not do anything.
I still got flowers, the book, a bookmark, and a reservation to her favorite restaurant, but for her to be mad is seriously out of left field.
Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“OP, you say you know your wife loves you. How does she show that love?
It sounds like you’re really great at gifts or grand gestures while she isn’t, but are there ways she’s great at showing love and you’re not? Does she carry more of the load of household tasks or always make sure to cook your favorite foods?
Is she verbally or physically affectionate? Does she prioritize spending time with you?
It seems like either you were perfectly happy with things not being reciprocated and let your daughter interfere in your relationship for no reason, or you’re secretly resentful and this was meant to be some sort of test/punishment.
No judgment yet, but I think you needed to communicate way better, either telling her you were hurt by her not reciprocating (if that’s the case) and allowing her to explain her reasoning or telling her you needed a break from big gestures but still loved her.
Instead, you created an expectation and then abruptly disappointed her. That’s bound to cause hurt feelings or make her think you’re upset/don’t care about her as much when you’re set such a pattern of showing your love in a specific way.” hackberrypie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I, too, am married to my Lobster. I also am not the romantic in our marriage; but when Hubs does his romantic stuff, I’m absolutely butter. I may not THINK of romantic behaviors like he does, but I ALWAYS appreciate him for his. I think a sit-down discussion with your Lobster about “love languages” is in order.” EvolvingWren
Another User Comments:
“First of all, I have to say that I personally don’t care at all about Valentine’s Day. I myself tend to be pretty far on the “whatever” spectrum when it comes to such occasions. However, I do have to deal with the fact that… Well… many people do care about it.
And it is indeed a quite bizarre thing, how people can respond to it. It is very unpredictable. Some people you would never think care at all about it will show themselves uncharacteristically offended if you don’t do anything for it. A problem I have run into repeatedly.
Admittedly, part of the reason I don’t make plans is probably a lack of organization and an overall laziness about this kind of thing. And I’ve made it into an element of identity, I suppose.
But to your question: are you a jerk for not having made grand plans?
No. You aren’t. And I don’t believe that for me not to care about that particular day makes me a jerk either. In fact, what you say you have done for this day seems already quite clearly above par for what most men plan.
However.
It’s not necessarily incomprehensible why your wife would react that way.
I.e., Her reaction probably has very little to do with the lack of plans itself, but with what she worries the lack of plans signals. Of course, she isn’t without knowing that she usually doesn’t do much for that day herself.
So I don’t think it’d be very useful to fire back on that front. However, it is quite possible that she also believes that she shouldn’t need to plan anything because it’s typically you (the guy) who should plan this stuff.
Whatever the case is, I think you just have to talk it out and make sure there is no misunderstanding.
I can understand the frustration on your side if it turns out she just considers all your usual efforts like something that is owed to her, and therefore has no gratitude for it. But I wouldn’t assume that.” furiousmat
6. AITJ For Refusing To Attend My Husband's Twin Brother's Birthday Party?
“My (43F) husband (37M) has a fraternal twin brother.
They are very different people. BIL was always social, an athlete, and liked to party. He’s now a police officer. My husband was an introvert, scholarly, and liked to read. He served in the Army and is now a lawyer. They didn’t socialize much as kids because they didn’t have a lot in common, but my husband considered their relationship to be good.
Both brothers married about 11 years ago, within a few months of each other. The four of us got along well at first, despite having different interests, and I hoped we’d have a friendly in-law relationship. However, the relationship has steadily deteriorated over time. There has never been an overt fight, but at this stage, neither couple is interested in being in a room with the other.
From our perspective, BIL and SIL just don’t seem to like us (which is confusing but is their right), and this plays out in exclusionary ways (which isn’t okay). Examples:
They ask us when we will be available for family Christmas Eve dinner, and then deliberately host the event for a time we said we’d still be at work
They invite the immediate family to dinner for their child’s birthday but then serve only pizza and cake, despite knowing that I’m gluten-intolerant.
We’re currently at an inflection point because the animosity between the two brothers is now causing tensions between my husband and his parents, which may ultimately result in a no-contact decision.
I’m reflecting on what brought us here. I know that there are political and socioeconomic differences between our two families that have caused tensions, but on a personal level, I know we’ve tried to be kind and helpful family members. However, I keep thinking about one event early on in our marriage(s) in which I might have been the jerk and wondering/worrying if that was the turning point that started building their animosity towards us.
For my BIL’s first birthday after their wedding, my SIL planned a large surprise birthday for him, to be held on the day of his birthday. She invited their friends, her family, and our entire extended family, including my husband and me. She did not acknowledge that it was also my husband’s birthday.
On a personal level, I thought this was incredibly rude. My husband felt unenthusiastic and weird about spending his birthday at a party that was only to celebrate his twin’s birthday. I wanted my husband to be able to feel special on his birthday, so we politely declined the invitation and went out to a nice dinner, just the two of us.
This felt reasonable to me, but I also feel like the tension between the two couples began growing after that event, ultimately leading us to where we are today. Were we the jerks for not attending his twin’s surprise birthday party?”
Another User Comments:
“If they are choosing to create permanent tension over declining one event, then you’re NTJ.
However, you don’t know if that’s the case here. It sounds like a natural build-up of people with different personalities and expectations.
It’s also hard to say how much, if at all, your examples of them were vindictive. Maybe the time you were at work worked best for everyone overall.
Maybe they were so focused on serving their child’s favorites that they were a bit thoughtless.
Even when it comes to your husband’s birthday there’s space for nuance. Your husband is an introvert. Would he really want to be the center of a huge party?
If I were his brother’s family I might think your husband would prefer if we didn’t highlight him at all, especially if your husband didn’t know everyone there or the party was relatively big.
The obvious solution to this was of course for someone in the family to talk to your husband.
However, I get the sense the family doesn’t communicate well.
I wouldn’t feel too guilty here. It sounds like a mutual decision. However, if this separation is bothering your husband it’s okay for him to try and build bridges.” EmpressJainaSolo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for declining the birthday invite. From the info provided, you didn’t try and suggest to your SIL that you chip in and both of you co-host the party for the twins.
Next, I don’t believe in acting like a jerk just because someone else is behaving like one.
Yes, your SIL overlooked the fact that her hubby has a twin. But by being the only ones not present at the party, you both made yourselves look bad.
Would it have been so bad to show up for a while at least?
As for your overall contribution to the deterioration of the relationship, I think it’s limited. Your BIL and SIL seem envious of you both and your financial means.
If your political values don’t align, it makes it that much more fractious.
I would choose to deal with this relationship with grace and the maximum benefit of the doubt. Not let others’ pettiness get to me and anchor myself in my own conduct, not the conduct of others.” Sea-Horse1517
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go against the grain and say there’s not enough information to form a judgment. Please hear me out, OP.
I’m a twin too – my sister and I have always been very close. We also have really different lives. While we’ve tried to share moments equally, it’s just reality that sometimes one of us has the spotlight, and that’s okay.
We’ve had combined birthday parties, as well as parties that were planned for me by my friends that she came to (and then naturally, we were both kinda celebrated, were both sung to, etc.).
That dynamic feels equal while also allowing us to have our own identities, and it is also something I could imagine is hard to understand if you’re not a twin.
I don’t think your in-laws were wrong to want a party for just your BIL. You also don’t know what they would have done for your husband had you been there. Your husband might have been more included in the fun than you both thought he would be.
I also don’t think that’s the reason they’re distant. You don’t have nearly enough information. I would suggest opening up a conversation and asking if anything went wrong between you all and how to improve things, and let them know how you feel too. You’ll be shocked at how much that gesture would mean to them.
The situation doesn’t seem insidious and definitely doesn’t justify going no contact. It’s just an icy few years that can happen between adults.
Family (and twin) relationships are everything if you’re lucky to have them, and they take work and vulnerability. I wish you all the best of luck!” spiceeymango
5. AITJ For Refusing To Attend Nor Accept A Friend's Wedding?
“I feel like I’m eating crazy pills because the situation feels surreal, but it’s actually happening, and I’d like a perspective on it.
I’ve had a friend, Clara and we’ve been close since we met. She is struggling with some mental health issues and I’ve always been there for her and helped her out where I can.
We also share a lot of our personal lives and stories with each other.
Early last year, I met a guy – let’s call him Brad. Brad was quite alright, and we hit it off as we had a few common topics we shared. Making new friends was always a good thing, and I wanted to introduce him to my circle of friends too.
Unfortunately, Brad and Clara got into an extremely heated argument. It was something completely dumb (to me) – something about whether a certain weapon would defend you if the attacker had a sword but had the element of surprise. It escalated so badly that they were calling each other terrible names, and I was shocked since I had never seen either of them act this way before.
They parted on extremely bad terms despite my best attempt at brokering the peace.
Over the next couple of days, I tried to talk to Clara and get them to make up, but she was adamant about the situation being final and even gave me an ultimatum.
Either I break off all contact with him or she will break off contact with me. I gave her another two days to cool off but there was no change. I valued her (and knew her longer), so I reluctantly chose her. I was candid with Brad, explained the situation, and that I had nothing against him.
Clara disappeared a few weeks later. She does this often when her mental state worsens and shuts herself in for some time. I sent her a few messages to check on her well-being but didn’t get a reply. This time was much longer than previously, but I thought nothing of it, having given her the option to come back whenever she was ready.
Two weeks ago she returned after several months, and announced her engagement to Brad, then invited me to her wedding. After getting over my shock, I asked why they were together. She said he was there for her when he went through a tough time and he was her world.
I turned down her invitation and said I would not like to attend. She got upset and said that I should put my differences with him aside. I said I had no differences with him, it was her I had an issue with. She told me to cut him out then went and got engaged with him?
I feel like I was made to be the fool.
Since then her friends have been hounding me, saying I should get over myself, stop being jealous, and that I was never in a relationship with Brad in the first place. I feel like this isn’t about Brad at all, but everyone seems to disagree.
AITJ for turning it down?”
Another User Comments:
“Clarify with your “friends” what really happened, if you want then block them all. No matter the feelings or non-feelings between you, and Brad, Clara saw you as competition for what she wanted, so she gave you the ultimatum to get you out of the way.
I have no doubt that if you talked to Brad you would find out that she has been feeding him a pack of lies about you to ensure no contact between you two. I would further guess she’s done the same with all of his friends, especially any women.
You don’t need that kind of toxic in your life. I would feel bad for Brad if he wasn’t fool enough to fall for that crap. If the marriage lasts he’ll be her little whipping boy for life.
As far as Clara being angry at you for not attending.
She’s only mad because she can’t rub it in your face that she “won” the game only she knew she was playing. She is now pulling friends in to get mad at you because her little game to hurt or get a heartbroken for losing Brad reaction out of you, so she needs validation, and to extend the game only she is playing.
One day those friends will wake up to the toxic person she is, and they’ll run away. While you can rest easy in the knowledge that the real “winner” in her little game is you because you don’t have to deal with her anymore.” HyenaShot8896
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Clara has not been treating you like a friend for the past almost year. The thing that I’m really confused about is whether Clara premeditated this, or is just oblivious and a really lousy communicator to you. Because she and Brad could have gotten together after you cut your friendship with Brad.
(That event may have even prompted him to reach out to her to apologize, and everything happened from there.) Obviously, were that the case, she should have reached out at some point to let you know how things had changed. (He could have let you know too, but as her relationship with you predates his, that communication seems to fall more naturally to her.) Even now, a person whose feelings don’t eclipse their awareness of everybody else would have taken you out to coffee, explained the whole situation, and apologized for their previous silly overreaction.
And also apologized for just being so focused on her whirlwind romance that she was a bad friend for some months. You were concerned about her state of mind, while she was blissfully happy, and she doesn’t even send you a text to let you know.
You and she have been friends for a long time and sounds like you’ve been very accommodating with her mental and social struggles. This however was too much for you, and that’s okay.” Slimlens
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She basically poached him off of you (making you cut off contact, then seeking him out for herself) and now expects you to just smile and act like it’s totally normal?
After she went no contact for MONTHS?
Cut ’em both out of your life. Trust me, you’ll be doing yourself a favor, and if any of their ‘friends’ have a problem with it, cut them too. You can find better friends, friends who will actually have your back and won’t use “BUT MY MENTAL HEALTH” as an excuse for treating you like garbage.
If they start trying to blame their own mental health for things, you can just tell them, “Well, my mental health will be much improved without toxic elements like you in my life, so ta ta!”
Seriously. Bail on them and bail HARD.” Dark_Moonstruck
4. AITJ For Getting Upset That My Husband Keeps Brushing My Sister's Hair?
”I (37F) have frizzy Irish hair. It’s mostly straight, but the ends curl into each other and get knotted up. I have tried various brands of hair care and brushes.. but I’ve long accepted that when I brush my hair I’m going to leave a lot on the brush.
My sisters and 2 of my daughters have inherited the same hair. My kids hate getting their hair brushed. I’m not sure when it started, but now after their bath, my husband (34M) will sit with them and he manually brushes out their hair with a combination of his fingers and a tangle teaser.
It takes ages, and I don’t have the patience for it, but he goes through their hair and untangles the ends. He’s very gentle and does it without pulling their hair, so it’s become this little ritual on bath night. After that, their hair is straight and unknotted and easier to work with, so I asked him to do it to my hair sometimes.
It actually works really well, and I’ve grown to really like the feeling of it. It’s just nice and gentle, and after it, my hair just feels a lot freer, so it just became part of our family routine.
My sister (34, let’s say Jess) was staying for a week and saw this.
She had been asking me what I was using in my hair for a while, and she asked me if she could try it. She did and also found it worked out. I asked my husband later how it was and he just kind of shrugged it off.
Said it was a bit weird doing someone else’s hair..
A few weeks later, she had a work night out and asked if he could do it again. Then after that a date. Then a wedding. I know she can’t regularly afford a salon, but at this stage, she’s just coming over and barely even asking.
Some of my family were talking about it at Christmas (I wasn’t in the room). My other sister (Kate,38) thinks it’s weird to basically get a scalp massage from her BIL, but Jess told her it was an “amazing intimate brushing”, and that Kate should start coming too.
Kate laughed at her and pulled her up on the word intimate and it’s kind of become a running joke.
…. I’d just like this to stop. I don’t really need Jess pimping out my husband’s time and fingers, and I know finances are tight for her to get a professional to do it, but at this stage, I’d just like my Saturday nights back and the little jokes to end.
WIBTJ for putting a stop to this whole thing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can understand once or twice or even a few times, but she’s taking advantage of you guys being nice. Also, ew on her using the word intimate — don’t use that word when speaking about BIL or someone else’s SO.
You AND he should tell her that she either needs to pay him for his time (maybe this is a gift that he has with curly hair and can monetize off of it, which is cool), or to go to a professional. I understand how hard it is to find someone who can do it right, but this is why people pay money – because it takes away from their time and takes effort.
If you’re not comfortable with him doing it at all to anyone else, then tell him that, and then you both can say anyone other than you and daughters are off limits now, and it’s a hard boundary for both of you.” di_caro2811
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Get her a tangle teaser and tell her to do it herself.
Also, half Irish lady here. Always thought I had weird wavy/frizzy hair. Then I read up about the Curly Girl method. Through trial and error, I found what worked best for me and it turns out I have really curly hair, just like my brothers.
I love my curls now.” ninasimonerules
Another User Comments:
“She described it as an “amazing intimate brushing”….oh heck to the no put a stop to that nonsense and think nothing else of it. Light YTJ because your husband expressed to you that he thought it was weird and you didn’t immediately help him set that boundary without rocking the boat with your family.” Frosty_Emotion_1431
3. AITJ For Objecting My Father's Marriage At His Wedding?
Well, that was awkward.
“I (18F) recently attended my father’s wedding with his new partner, which I and my 2 sisters (20F) and (25F) traveled across the country for. Due to my father being unfaithful to my mother with the woman he was marrying, putting my mother and his children in dangerous situations, and the 30-year age gap between them, my sisters and I were uncomfortable with the whole situation and were trying to get through the weekend without getting too upset and spending time with the little family we had at the wedding (his partner’s family refused to speak to us).
Whilst we tried to have a good time and ignore the inevitable toasts and speeches that came before the ceremony mentioning how uncomfortable his partner’s family felt about my father having a ‘pre-made family’ and how they found it difficult to welcome us into theirs, when time for the wedding came, and we were walked down the aisle as bridesmaids before the incoming bride walked in I suddenly felt overwhelmed with emotion and tears began to form in my eyes.
As it got to the ‘I do’ part of the ceremony, my sisters and I held hands and braced for the ring bearer to stand up in a short while. As this was going to happen I quickly composed myself and released my sister’s hands I had been tightly holding previously.
As the vicar (or priest, I’m not entirely sure of the technical term) began to drone over the legal requirements to carry out the wedding, such as asking those present if they were aware of any impediments to the marriage, such as adultery and any vows of celibacy, etc., something sparked inside of me, and I quickly raised myself out of my seat, and before I could stop myself, exclaimed to the priest and those who were staring at me astonished, of the wrongdoings that had led up this poisonous marriage that had disrupted so many lives.
My father turned to me with such undeniable anger and as hard as I tried I could not stop picturing the pure disgust he possessed as he locked eyes with me, before swiftly pivoting to face his fiancée, who let out some kind of whimper and dashed out the room, followed by her maid of honor and two other seemingly loyal bridesmaids, and finally my father.
I sat back down in the pew my sisters and I had been assigned feeling defeated.
As I had disrupted the wedding in such a fashion, my father and his fiancée were not able to marry as they had planned. It has been 5 months since then, and I still feel an impending sense of guilt as I did on the day; however, I have been informed that another ceremony will take place in a few weeks that I am not allowed to attend.
Although I feel bad for making such a scene, I can’t help but feel as if I did what was right due to all the pain my mother and family faced due to his previous actions, and this gives me a warped sense of glee when I reflect on the incident.
But I think I’m in need of an outsider’s take on my actions. So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m preparing to get dragged. But YTJ. Gently.
You’re not wrong to feel your feelings. And I don’t blame you for being angry, hurt, resentful, or whatever other feeling you’re feeling.
However, every thought you’re thinking doesn’t need to fall out of your mouth.
Leading up to that moment, you had choices. You could have told your dad you weren’t going. You could have said you wouldn’t be a bridesmaid. You could have (and probably should have, if he’s half the monster you proclaim) cut off contact with him altogether.
You had the opportunity to express those feelings at any time leading up to the wedding. And this is what seals the deal for me: “This gives me a warped sense of glee when I reflect on the incident.”
No, friend. Just no.
You humiliated them both because you meant to.
Sure, they may have deserved it. But the wrong thing for the right reason is still the wrong thing.” katsmeow44
Another User Comments:
“I will say what I always say, a wedding is about celebrating the couple getting married. If you can’t celebrate the couple getting married, maybe the most civilized thing to do, and the best thing for you emotionally is to just not attend.
Your absence says just as much as your words, if not more.
It feels very vindictive. What you’ve written here. I can’t even laugh at it. It just kind of makes me very sick to my stomach. It’s almost like, if this is true, you went there with the purpose of destroying the ceremony and reception with your poor attitude.
You just did it in a much more grandiose way by screaming. I am jacked. You also cost your father and his fiancée probably a lot of money. I don’t know what you accomplished here they’re probably going to get married and you’re probably not even going to be invited next time, not that I think you want to be.
It’s honestly just between YTJ and an ESH for me.” PettyHonestThrowaway
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Forget the bride and groom. A lot of people likely took time off, rearranged schedules, booked hotels, flights, and spent a lot of money to attend the wedding of people they love and you basically said screw you to each and every one of them.
You ruined their weekends too, but whatever, you needed to make sure your dad and his bride were sufficiently embarrassed and you had a good audience in attendance. Good for you.
You don’t really note the specifics of what your father did. I can get there’s emotion behind your comment that is valid, but you are passing a lot of judgment on a lot of people.
The reasons he left your mom are between him and your mom, not you.
Forget the age difference, that’s not your concern. It’s their relationship, their choice.
Everybody in her family hates you …but you refused to even try to get to know them at the wedding.
Perhaps you’ve been unapproachable, your behavior at the wedding kind of indicates that. You don’t have to want to hang out with them but don’t lay the fault with them.
The fact you were a bridesmaid means the bride tried to include you and your sisters in the ceremony (maybe at your dad’s insistence, but still), and was a pretty solid thing for her to do.
Sounds like you only went to the wedding to ruin it, which you did and you’re happy about, congrats! Hope you find enough backslappers on here to further feed your ego.” Traditional_Pilot_26
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are valid in your feelings, and it is wrong for your father to pretend nothing wrong ever happened. His whole new relationship was based on a wrong, and it is a slap in the face for those affected by it up to this point especially to pretend otherwise.
It’s a little naive for his partner and him to think that what happened was okay and there wouldn’t be any repercussions from it.
For your sanity, I would consider a clean break and seek professional help in working through this. (As this can and will affect your overall well-being.)” Rollingagate
2. AITJ For Wanting To Help My Overweight Bridesmaids Lose Weight Before My Wedding?
“I am marrying a gym rat personal trainer. I helped him when he was getting certified and, in the process, I lost 30 lbs and haven’t felt this good not just about how I look, but I feel less fatigued and have more energy.
I have a few bridesmaids who are overweight.
And they mention it a lot, which I get because we’re friends and we vent about things like our insecurities. I don’t care about their weight. I want them in my wedding because they’re my close friends.
But they’ve made little comments about how they always want to lose weight and hope they don’t look awful in their dress and all of that.
At the time, I immediately told them they’d look great because I never wanted them to feel bad about how they looked. But after I thought about it, I have some really great weight loss tips that I used that changed my life. A sustainable diet is a big thing for me, and I eat tons of bread; I have pasta, I eat popcorn daily, etc. and wondered if it’d be appropriate to offer since I know they’re insecure.
And, for me, I only ever really felt confident after I actually lost the weight, so I know my reassurance can only go so far.
I obviously don’t want to make them feel bad or anything either, though. But I also don’t want them not feeling confident at my wedding.
I’ve let them pick what kind of dresses they feel comfy with and all, but I know the insecurity, and I want to both be considerate and gentle while also giving them some tips and tricks to help themselves look how they want.
I haven’t done anything at all, so be brutally honest if this would be a jerk move.
I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings at all so I’m not mentioning any health things unless I know it’ll be well received.”
Another User Comments:
“Honestly? I would not. Your heart is in the right place but YWBTJ.
Plenty of people talk about dieting but never really intend to do it.
I just think there’s almost NO way you can help them with weight loss before your wedding without starting to blur the boundaries into bridezilla, and it would be too easy to accidentally make people feel pressured.
They don’t seem to be saying they WANT to actively lose weight right now.
Wanting to look good in their dress can be as much about tailoring as weight. And plenty of people talk about losing weight for years with no intention of doing it.
They could easily start to feel you are going too far or resent your input.
You could easily lose friends or make them feel bad about themselves if they don’t live up to your expectations.
If they want to diet it is on them. If they turn up to your wedding as they are, it will not be the end of the world.
Their confidence or image/body issues are completely not your business, and I think that although you are being nice you are reading far too much into their comments.
I would leave it to them. You care for them, so just let them know you are there if they would like support.
Going to the gym together would be one thing, but making this all about your wedding would set up a weird power differential.” linerva
Another User Comments:
“I am going to go against the grain and say: ESH.
Do not offer unsolicited advice. It could be more hurtful than helpful.
However, I think it’s messed up that they’ve complained to you about how they will look at your wedding. From the comments, it sounds like you have been extremely accommodating with letting them pick dresses and all of that. It’s one thing to vent about their insecurities to a friend, but it’s another for them to complain to the bride about their insecurities in reference to being in your wedding.
Obviously, it’ll make a good friend feel bad and add stress to an already stressful time. As someone who was obese years ago as a bridesmaid, I never made my insecurities about how I’d look in pics the bride’s problem.
Idk. I hope you all have a great time.
But they agreed to be bridesmaids and you’ve done everything you can to be flexible so they can feel good. Actually losing the weight is on them. If they ask, by all means, give your tips. If not, don’t bother and focus on planning your wedding.” Dry-Ad-2732
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. My MIL used to comment on my cross stitch and talk about how she wished she could do it but never asked me to teach her so I assumed she really wasn’t that interested. Until one day I finally asked if she wanted me to show her and she jumped at the opportunity.
My husband said that she was just worried about being a drain on my time and another stress for me so she didn’t want to ask.
Weight and weight loss are highly sensitive personal hot-button issues, much more so than cross stitch. Your friends might want advice but be hesitant to ask you for extra time while you’re planning your wedding.
They might not want advice and just want a safe place to express themselves.
If they said something like “I would really like to find a diet that worked” then you can say, “Hey I found something that worked well, would you like to know more about it?” but other than something like that I don’t see how you’re going to offer advice without being a total jerk.” Kaelyn_Angelfoot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, assuming these friends are talking about wanting to lose weight in the first place, and like someone else said, not in the framework of “so you look good in my wedding.” The next time one of them says something like, “Ohh, I wish I weren’t overweight.
I would really love to lose weight,” I think you’d be fine to say, “I’ve found some stuff that worked really well for me,” and if they’re not interested, drop it.
For reference, I am hecka fat and do not want fitness tips from my skinnier friends, but I also don’t talk about wanting to lose weight.” amethystjade15
1. AITJ For Prioritizing A Job Interview Over My Husband's Grandmother's Health?
The sad thing is, there are so many possible solutions, and nobody can see any of them.
“My husband (39M) and I (37F) got into an argument because I told him that this family, OUR family is not responsible for his grandmother. He told me that I was selfish and only cared about my needs.
The problem was that I had a job interview to work at a hospital. It paid double what I was getting in my previous job and would help us out greatly. The thing is, we only own one car. I used to take the bus to my previous job a lot, but this time the hospital job is a 30-minute drive, and I want to be there on time.
My husband takes the car for him to go to work.
The issue was his mother called him to ask if we could take his grandmother to her doctor’s appointments on the same day as my interview. His mom “could not take her” because her excuse was that she had already made plans to meet up with her friends.
So basically she prioritized her friends over her own mother.
The doctor’s appointment was scheduled an hour after my interview was scheduled, and the clinic is at least an hour away (the grandma used to live in the area and is very adamant to keep going to that same doctor).
When my husband said he needs the car to take his grandmother to the appointment, I told him no because I need the car for the job interview. My husband suggested I take the bus since I already know how to use the routes and that I need to wake up earlier to arrive on time.
I got super upset and told my husband why should I risk the interview and that we really need the job, so we don’t have to struggle anymore. My husband then says that his grandmother’s health is more important than money.
With that, I told him that the family he married into and had children with is his responsibility, and why does his mom get a free pass if “health is more important?”
He got upset and told me to do what I wanted and how selfish I was. He told his mother about the situation, and then I got a call from my MIL that I am a terrible wife and that family is important. I told her off and brought up that’s why she’s not taking care of her own mom then?
Her response was that she doesn’t want to fail her friend. Like seriously?
So my husband and his mom made arrangements that he would take his mom’s car and drop his mom off with the friend and take his grandmother to the clinic while I take our car to the job interview.
Since then, my husband hasn’t spoken to me and even sometimes ignores our kids. He even locks himself in his own office to play video games.
AITJ for prioritizing the job interview over my husband’s grandmother’s health?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And maybe talk to a counselor for a while.
You need to find a fresh way to deal with his methods of handling conflict. Some way of ignoring his childishness and short-sightedness without feeling like you have to fix it and make him feel better so he talks to you. I would vote kicking him out being the best way, but hey, that’s me.
Since he thinks his wife and children’s well-being (via a better-paying job for you) are not that important, ya know? Granny could have taken a taxi. Mom could have dropped Granny off and lunched near the clinic. Or rescheduling the appointment for granny, or lunch with her friend, but all of a sudden it’s you who is the problem.
I hope you get the job and with it, some financial independence – ya, put money aside in your own account and start splitting finances. You never know when you will need an emergency fund.
Something about this whole argument really puts me off about your hubby.” Mindless-Pepper-5556
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this man was looking for an excuse to take time off from his wife and children and he invented one, particularly when you said you had as more of a right to the car, on this occasion, than he did!
Your job interview was your priority but this grown man can’t say NO to his mother. If his mother didn’t want to deal with her own mother, that was their business. You were so far removed from your Grandmother-in-law’s health, it’s crazy!
I hope you get the job and buy a car of your own.
Why does he get to take the car to work and not find alternative transportation? Does he consider the car to be HIS and that you can take public transportation? When was the last time he took the bus? I think he couldn’t say that out loud so pretended that his grandmother’s health was the priority.
He could have organized an Uber etc but none of those worked for him because the car is his territory.” Fancy_Avocado7497
Another User Comments:
“Going against the grain, but ESH. As the solution showed, this didn’t need to be such a stark choice.
He could’ve leveled with his mom, been honest about the stress, and asked her to please cancel her plans. He could’ve asked to borrow her car or a neighbor’s or a friend’s. Heck, he could’ve just asked a friend for a ride (I had to do that recently for a colonoscopy an hour away).
He should respect your ambition and appreciate the chance to have a more secure financial situation.
I don’t know if your comments at the end describe his behavior all the time or just during this argument. In any case, he sounds immature. Still, I don’t think that means it’s not a bad look to demean his relationship to his grandma.
She can’t help that she’s old; he’s known her all his life.
I lost my grandma pretty recently. My wife was extremely supportive during her long illness. I would’ve been livid if she ever made a situation out to be a pure choice between the two of them.
I love both.
I couldn’t “choose” one or the other any more than I’d force my wife to choose visiting her parents or being with me. Sure, when she goes away my life gets a lot harder because my responsibilities double. But she loves her parents and I love her.
In any case, it sounds like you all need to communicate differently. Everyone gets into arguments that didn’t need to happen. What matters is how we deal with that after the fact.” yungpeppep
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