People Can't Help But Ask "Am I The Jerk?"

Being a human means having a wide range of emotions. And based on our emotions, we can choose how we respond to others: anger, sadness, happiness - the list goes on. And we have the power to decide exactly how we carry out those emotions. Take it from the gal who got her hair done at a salon, whose hairstylist told them their hair was problematic. In response, she refused to tip the hairstylist and left a nasty review online. Based on this, would you say she's the jerk for how she responded to her hairstylist's honesty? About half of people say she is; the others say she was totally justified for getting angry! Let us know your thoughts on more "Am I the jerk?" stories below. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk YTJ = You're the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? EHS = Everyone here sucks

17. AITJ For Canceling Our Trip After My Husband Hid My Daughter's Passport?

“My husband and I have been together for 3 years. He has 3 kids from his previous relationship and I have one. She’s the oldest (17). He’s a dedicated man, puts God first, and loves everyone.

My husband always complains that my daughter doesn’t spend time with her stepsiblings or him, but she has reasons for that, and those are school, health issues, and work. She does her best to spend as much time with them as she can, but she on the other hand complains that her stepdad tells her to basically take on the role of a babysitter whenever she’s with her stepsiblings.

My husband denied that and said that my daughter was making up excuses to not have to spend time with his kids.

For this issue, I figured that a family trip is what the family needed to get together and spend more time around each other. My husband liked the idea but said that his kids are now “uncomfortable” around my daughter because of her “attitude” and suggested we let her stay home and have the house all to herself since that’s “what she always wanted.” I told him it’s best that we all go.

He kept complaining til I snapped and told him to stop.

I booked (paid) for the whole family. However, my daughter told me she couldn’t find her passport. We turned the house upside down looking for it but couldn’t find it. My husband said maybe it was a sign from God that we should let her stay home so the trip wouldn’t turn into a disaster. I ignored his comment, but later while I was cleaning his office, I found the passport, tucked away in the 3rd drawer under a ton of papers.

I was floored by this, I confronted him with it, and he swore he had no idea why or how the passport got there. I checked the upstairs camera and saw him enter my daughter’s room. That was it for me, I screamed my head off at him, then canceled the whole trip completely. He started arguing saying I overreacted and that he didn’t want his kids to be “miserable” on the trip and was willing to apologize to my daughter if and when I reconsider my decision regarding the cancellation of the trip because my stepkids will be devastated, but I said it was final and that it was done.

He became cold and distant and said that he wants to take some time to do some fasting and get guidance from God about how he should deal with the disrespect and control I had displayed lately.

AITJ for canceling it altogether?”

Another User Comments:


You paid for this trip to bring the family together.

He broke into your daughter’s room.

STOLE an important document.

Hid it in his office.

Pretended he was unaware of it when y’all were turning the house upside down.

Used “God” as an excuse for his THEFT.

Didn’t confess his deed.

Doubled down when he was caught in 4K.

Prioritized and used his kids as an excuse for his THEFT.

Has not apologized.

Ma’am, respectfully he is not someone who would “Put God first.”

For the sake of Lucifer, dump his butt. You’ll be doing a huge favor to your daughter and her future.

If he can’t do a simple family trip to bring y’all together and steal your daughter’s passport to keep her away, I fear what else he would be willing to do to your daughter for the sake of his own kids in the future for bigger life challenges.” HailLuciferDaddy

Another User Comments:

“Why are you married to a man who is continuously antagonizing your daughter?

I want to say NTJ, but YTJ for letting your daughter be subjected to your husband’s horrible treatment.

I’m also appalled that he will ask God for some guidance on how to handle you being disrespectful to him. Are you hearing and accepting this? As someone who is part of a religion, I am offended.” egulsagedli

Another User Comments:

“”puts God first and loves everyone.” Actually he puts himself first, using his religion as a tool and a weapon to get what HE wants and then uses God against you to “deal with your disrespect and control” but totally ignoring the disrespect, deception, lies, and control HE showed.

This man lied in your face, he STOLE your daughter’s passport, hid it, and then used God as an excuse that “it was a sign from God your daughter should stay home.” He also has the audacity and nerve to turn it against you and use (again) God to blame YOU for your supposed disrespect and control.

He is going to fast, he said? Is he going to fast, long, and hard for HIS own lies, for his manipulation, his stealing, and the disrespect he showed? Of course not.

If I were you, I’d take my daughter on the trip to enjoy our time together and leave him fuming in the house with his kids. That would serve him well.

OP, NTJ.” vdritz

10 points (10 votes)

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Wodkabottle 4 months ago
This is not God and this is not love. Ditch him. He's gaslighting and stealing and lying and none of this is ok. Get you and your daughter away.
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16. AITJ For Calling The Cops When My Daughter's Stepbrother Took Her Car?

Family is family, but theft is theft.

“I got my daughter (17) a new car 2 months ago. Her stepbrother (19) has gone crazy about it ever since and has been attempting to drive it but my daughter made it clear she doesn’t want him to. He’d refer to it as “our car” and would get mad when my daughter decorates it with pink and adds teddy bears and necklaces as decoration.

He’d get angry and say that she was “ruining their car” and “embarrassing him in front of his friends” although she never let him get inside of it. I asked my husband to talk to his son, but he said that my daughter and I need to “chill.”

Fast forward to this past Friday. My daughter called me at work saying her stepbrother took her car while she was upstairs after he demanded the keys and she refused.

I called his phone, but he didn’t respond. I called my husband and told him what happened. I told him that he needed to go bring the car back or I’d have to call the police. He called his son, then called me back saying his son was just taking it to go to the movies with his friends and will bring it back at 9 pm.

I couldn’t wait. I wanted him one more time to bring it back, but he stalled. I called the police and reported it stolen. My stepson was picked up from his location and brought into the local police station. We got the car back, but it was a mess; the decorations and toys in it were gone. My daughter didn’t stop crying about it.

My husband blew up at me on the phone for calling the police on his son and causing him to spend the night there.

They both came home the next day and a huge argument ensued with my husband saying I made a mistake reporting the car missing and said that I escalated this situation and that I was the one who created it and should’ve gotten his son a similar car or at least told my daughter to share; otherwise, we wouldn’t be dealing with his son’s temper tantrums.

The house has been full of tension since then, and everyone is just mad at each other. I didn’t want police involvement but seeing my daughter cry, I just couldn’t take it.”

Another User Comments:


Nope. Guess what – when you are 19 years old, and you take a car without permission, that is stealing and it is wrong morally and legally.

You have a stepson problem but you also have a husband problem.

This adult son should have been shut down on day 1 by his father for acting like this was some kind of “joint ownership” car. It was not his, it is not his. If he wants a car he can get a job and buy one or beg daddy for one. If daddy can’t or won’t provide – it is not your responsibility to provide for his deficiencies.

This is a hill to die on because this will happen again if this 19-year-old man doesn’t quit with his entitled behavior and keeps getting backed up by his father.” pfashby

Another User Comments:

“Everyone (but your daughter) is the jerk here.

Why do people in the US needlessly involve the cops in everything, even as it is known police may overuse violence, and having a criminal record will affect her stepbrother’s future likely for the rest of his life?

The stepson is the jerk for obvious reasons.

His father is the jerk too, for enabling him, for his crappy suggestions, and for not respecting your or your daughter’s boundaries.

You are the jerk as well, for escalating this involving the cops when there wasn’t a real need. I mean, the guy is a teenager that lives with you. You could have grounded him for a month. Embarrassed him in front of his friends at the theater.

Gone there and took the car away with the spare key. Take his cell phone/TV/laptop/PS5 away. Kicked him out of the house until he apologizes. Etc. Any of those options would have been memorable, taught him a lesson, and, most importantly, preserved his long-term relationship with you, and his future options in life (yeah, he’s over 18, but he’s a teenager too. He ought to have consequences for his actions, but does not deserve life-changing ones, especially when his behavior is encouraged by his dad).” phantom_limb_qualia

Another User Comments:

“So, you played favorites and bought one kid a car but not the other.

Then, you made your stepson unemployable by giving him a criminal record. Not to mention the fact that you wasted government resources… What was so important on a Friday night that you couldn’t wait? Your stepson is definitely out of line, but you turned this into a catastrophe. Go ahead and file divorce papers, because there is no way this marriage will work. If YOUR daughter took your car without permission on Friday night, you wouldn’t have called the police, and that’s how you know YTJ.

Also, anyone placing teddy bears and necklaces in their car is probably too immature for a car.” EnriquesBabe

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your daughter and you both set clear, firm boundaries that the car was NOT a shared vehicle, but her own personal possession and birthday gift, purchased by you. Your stepson repeatedly stomped all over this boundary, disrespecting both your daughter and you… and your husband was complicit in this maltreatment.

He should have sat his son down, and firmly reinforced the stated boundaries, about respecting other people’s property and also respecting the feelings of his step-sister and you. He CHOSE not to do that, and they both just experienced what happens when they “screw around and find out.”

Honestly, OP, there’s really something wrong with your family dynamic. Your stepson is 19; he’s legally an adult, and this is very serious.

It was serious when he was “complaining ” about how your daughter decorated HER OWN CAR. It was serious when your husband didn’t correct him in this “our car” bullcrap. It’s serious that your husband dismissed you when you communicated loud and clear what the consequences were going to be for his son… and it’s serious that they are mad at you for daring to follow through with those consequences. The 19-year-old sounds like an entitled brat, so why is he still living in your house while berating and badgering your underaged daughter and disrespecting you?” Myay-4111

9 points (9 votes)

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Morning 4 months ago
I hear the folks saying that calling the police was too much and that can follow him forever. Listen, the OP TOLD THE HUSBAND that was her next move and he figured she was bluffing. I do totally agree that this marriage is over. Good riddance to the hubs and step son.
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15. AITJ For Confronting My Parents For Favoring My Little Brother Over Me?

Favoring one child over another, especially while making it obvious, is so damaging.

“I’m the oldest child in my family. I have one little brother who we will call Dan for the sake of this story. Dan is 5 years younger than me and he was always the favorite child.

Ever since I was little, I noticed that my parents always gave Dan more attention than me. Especially on our birthdays.

I used to get one (or two if I was lucky) Lego sets from them, but he always got something that was way more expensive. Last year he asked for a PlayStation. And he actually got it. On my birthday, I asked for a headset as my old one was soon going to be 7 years old. Did I get it? No. Instead, I got a coloring book and a few pairs of jeans.

While incidents like these when my brother was the favorite one aren’t new, what happened two weeks ago really broke it for me.

Two weeks ago, there was a Pride Parade in my city (due to privacy reasons, I will not be saying where I live). As a member of the LGBTQ, I obviously wanted to participate. I asked my father to go with me and he said yes.

He even promised me he’d take a day off so we’d have the whole day to ourselves to spend some daughter and father time. Coincidentally, the planetarium in the city also opened an exposition about Mars in the same week. The exposition lasts until the end of the month, and Dan wanted to go. He asked my father to go with him and they did. Every single day of Pride week.

My father completely forgot about going with me to Pride but went with my brother to the exposition for a week straight. They could’ve gone to the exposition any other week, why did it have to be then? I even reminded my father to go with me to Pride and he said that the exposition was more important.

Eventually, I told my mom about this, hoping she’d be on my side, but she just replied with, “Your brother is younger; let him have the fun.

You’ll have next year to go to Pride.” That really struck a nerve in me and I finally blew up. I told both of my parents that they were horrible for always choosing my brother over me and that they shouldn’t be surprised if I cut contact with them when I’m 18. I gave them numerous examples of when their favoritism was obvious. I even told them that if my brother wasn’t always such an attention seeker, maybe we would’ve had a normal relationship.

My brother started fake crying saying it was all his fault and obviously my parents babied him and said I’m a jerk for making my brother cry.

So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:


Sweet baby Jeebus! They are definitely setting you up to go No Contact when you’re older, and I can bet your brother is going to be still living at home and depending on them well into adulthood.

My mom did this with my brother and me (he’s older, I’m younger), and I cut contact as soon as I could! My brother, on the other hand, is an addict and still lives near my mom (the only reason that he can’t live with her is she and my step-dad live in a 50+ community that doesn’t allow anyone under 50 to live there), and my mom has control over all of his finances, helps pay his bills, goes to his house to walk his dogs, does his laundry, etc.

She did everything for him when we were growing up, but she can’t fathom why she still has to.

I’m married, had a successful work life, and am now disabled due to an autoimmune disease. My brother is perfectly healthy (except for the drinking), and has never had a relationship longer than a few months because women get sick of his crap fast.

Your parents are failing you and your brother.

Shame on them!

Hang in there and please don’t hesitate to get away as soon as you can! It will get better!” OkamiKhamelon

Another User Comments:

“You are NTJ, but it really doesn’t sound like your family are jerks either. Parents make mistakes – period, it happens to everyone. Younger kids get more stuff because financial circumstances tend to improve over time AND younger kids learn from their older siblings how to manage their parents better and get what they want.

Go to counseling with your family now – hurting them back won’t help you feel better – but turning the family dynamic around will. Good luck.” Dududidu2

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Showing favoritism towards one child at the expense of another is one of the most messed up things parents can do. It can really screw a kid up. You’ve done all you can by bringing it up with evidence. If your parents refuse to acknowledge and take responsibility for their behavior, you gotta look out for yourself. I think going no contact with them once you’re able to would be a good lesson for them, but more importantly, I think it would be good for you to no longer have that on your mind. Stay strong OP.” AvatarJack

6 points (6 votes)

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Breezer2800 4 months ago (Edited)
NTJ, and I don't know how Dududidu2 can say the parents aren't jerks either.
Repeated blatant favoritism isn't a simple mistake, it is a PARENTAL CHOICE.
A LOUSY parental choice that is likely going to cost the parents a relationship with their daughter.
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14. AITJ For Not Helping My Sister With Her Kids?

Oh, the double standard…

“For context to my post, my family isn’t part of any religion. We never participated in it and the only times I have ever been to churches or other houses of worship are for other people’s weddings or funerals a few times. In the country we live in, there is no government-sponsored religion. People are free to practice whichever religion they choose, but the government and laws are all secular.

When my sister finished her secondary education, she took a year off before she went to university. She spent a lot of that year traveling around, and she changed a lot. She got into religion, and decided she was not going to university because “women should only be wives and mothers.” She started saying nonsense like women should submit to their fathers and then husbands and shouldn’t be allowed to work or go to school.

She said a woman’s job was to keep the house clean, cook, look feminine, and let the man be the provider. She met a man with similar beliefs, and my parents, my grandparents, and I did not like him, but we tried to do what we could to be supportive so as not to alienate and push her away from us.

Now everything has gone off the rails.

My sister said any form of birth control or preventing pregnancy is a sin, and women should welcome as many children as God wants. Or something like that. She ended up having 2 children in the same calendar year exactly 10 months apart. That threw all her domestic goddess, clean house, and looking feminine/immediately losing the baby weight out the window. Having 2 babies so close together has hit her hard.

Plus her husband as per their beliefs does not do any of the housework, cooking, domestic stuff, or childcare.

Since I’m not yet a husband or father and live alone, my sister and my mother think I should go over to my sister on my days off or before or after work to help with the housework, childcare, and errands to give my sister a break. My mother says we both owe it to her because having two babies under 1 and half years old is difficult.

I have watched the babies for an hour or 2 a few times. I have also opened education savings accounts for both babies. I will put funds in them each month and hand them over to them when they reach adulthood. I am watching to ensure there is no child neglect. But I do not think it is my responsibility to help my sister with the mess she’s made.

My mother says my sister is ashamed that her entire belief system has been blown apart and we should help but I don’t see why I should just because I live alone and don’t have a family of my own yet. Both my mother and my sister flat-out said they would not ask me if I had a wife and kids.

AITJ for not helping her out?”

Another User Comments:


This is not your circus or monkeys.

If your mother is so concerned about her daughter, she can and should go over and help her out.

And when it comes to your sister, what she’s wanting/expecting totally goes against the fundamental beliefs that include “women should only be wives and mothers” and “a woman’s job was to keep the house clean, cook, look feminine.”

I don’t really see how/where you fit in this mix as a male, regardless of your marital or family status.

If anything by opening up educational savings accounts for the babies, you have gone above and beyond in the “provider” category, since these kids are not yours and this and everything else should be provided to/for them by their father.

Yes, it does suck for your sister to have her entire belief system blown apart, but your mother really doesn’t have the right to demand/expect you to do anything and she really shouldn’t be saying “we should help” because the only person she has control over when it comes to “helping” is herself.

It would be one thing to ask if you would be willing to “help out” a little, but even that would be iffy in my book.

Yeah, your sister made her bed, and now it’s time for her to lay in it.

I hope this made sense and was helpful.

Best wishes and good hope to you, your sister, her husband, and kids as well as your extended family going forward.

Be strong, be safe, and be well!” Ground-Rat

Another User Comments:


Her own husband won’t help her, why should you? And what about your mom or her mother-in-law? Shouldn’t they be the ones to help (according to your sis’s religion) since they are female?

Really, no one is required to help her. She wanted to forgo birth control and have as many children as He wants. Well, she’s living the reality.

I do feel sorry for her, as two under a year has got to be super difficult, and I kinda think that she got a little brainwashed by this religion. Maybe this is the wake-up call she needs to realize maybe this isn’t how she wants to live. She probably does need a little help, but I don’t know why people think it should come from you. Seems like mom, or mother-in-law, or maybe another (female) member of her husband’s family would be a better choice. Or maybe some hired help. A maid a couple of times a month, and part-time daycare for the 10-month-old would help her out a lot.” amymari

5 points (5 votes)

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Portholus 4 months ago
Seems your sister made a choice and is now seeing the consequences of that choice. It is not on you to help, especially since you are a male and according to the new religion she seems to be following, it would not be welcome. Seems that the ladies need to step up and help if they want it done but they want to say they helped by pushing you to do it and not them. Actions have consequences and your sister is about to learn that the hard way. Now when the husband does go off the rails....I do recommend you be ready to put him in his place.
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13. AITJ For Calling My Sister-In-Law Out For Photoshopping Pictures Of Her Kids?

”I am not close with my brother “Matt.” Our parents heavily favored him growing up, which caused him to be a selfish adult now. Matt does not talk to us unless he needs something. His wife “Amber” is even worse. I have done my best to be civil with Amber, but she is a nasty person. The first thing she did when we met was insult my then two-year-old daughter’s hair.

Amber behaves this way with every member of the family. The only reason the family speaks to Matt or Amber at all anymore is because we don’t want to deprive the kids of a relationship with their cousins, as they all love each other. We keep things superficial because they know I leave with my daughter if Matt or Amber says something rude.

My friend texted me asking “isn’t this your sister-in-law?” and sent me a link to a beautiful child contest on social media.

Amber’s four-year-old daughter “Mia” was the winner. Amber photoshopped the picture so much that it barely resembled her daughter. Amber had made Mia’s brown eyes blue; she also made her chestnut hair blonde. Amber re-sculpted Mia’s face. She looked like another kid. I looked on Amber’s social media and saw she did this with all her photos of her kids, including her eight-month-old son, “Jacob.” Jacob is a cute baby.

He has dark eyes, hair, and tan skin like Matt. Amber photoshopped Jacob’s eyes a bluish-green. She made his skin lighter and his hair auburn. Matt had the same edited photos posted on his social media, so he clearly had no problem with it. I was disgusted that they felt the need to photoshop pictures of their toddler and baby.

The grandparents insisted on taking everyone shopping at the mall for new clothes.

After shopping, we got lunch together while the kids went to play on the mini-rides and arcade games. I took a picture of the kids, and Matt and Amber asked me to send it to them. Amber was examining the picture and made comments that my daughter “Savannah’s” eyebrows were too bushy and there was a threading place near my house that I should take her to shape her eyebrows better.

In the same sentence, she commented about Savannah’s cheeks having too much baby fat and that I should consider a children’s workout class for her. I was furious with Amber, because who the heck does she think she is to insult a ten-year-old’s appearance? I told her that Savannah is perfect the way she is and who the heck is she to comment otherwise. Amber got defensive and said how she’s just trying to offer “helpful criticism” because Savannah will have trouble finding a partner if she doesn’t learn to “maintain herself.” I said Savannah will find someone who loves her and not her looks, instead of being so shallow and insecure that she photoshops her kids’ pictures online.

Amber and Matt looked extremely angry/embarrassed. I told Savannah it was time to go and we left.

People are saying I should have left immediately instead of causing drama and responding to Amber how I did, but nobody insults my child and gets away with it. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Photoshopping your children is literally Kardashian-level crazy. Not only is it a vapid shallow thing to do, but imagine those poor children’s self-esteem when they eventually find photos of themselves that mommy photoshopped.

Amber was absolutely out of line making comments about your minor child’s appearance. Based on what you’ve said here, Amber sounds like an adult who didn’t emotionally mature past her teenage years. She clearly holds all of her value in how she and those around her look and lacks so much self-esteem that she needs to knock children down a peg to make herself feel better.

It’s quite sad and pitiful really.

All around disgusting behavior by Amber.” salmonberrycreek

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She’s essentially saying that her kids’ appearances aren’t good enough as they are. While there’s nothing wrong with being proud of your kids, especially if it’s posting photos, this crossed a line. And while I don’t condone photoshopping kids at all, it’s not even a small thing! As you said, they don’t look like her kids anymore!

Good for you for staying in contact just for your kids’ relationship with your cousins.

Poor kids will have so much insecurity if she continues.

You are NTJ.” elemelonstime

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, don’t let them around your daughter. I know you want them to have a relationship with their cousins, but it’s not worth it – one comment and your daughter’s self-esteem will plummet and that thought will not leave her. She can’t be around people who think a 10-year-old needs her eyebrows done and sculpting for her cheeks and is already talking about her love life, nor should she be around someone photoshopping their kids. She will start noticing and thinking it’s normal.

Honestly, the competition she won – I’d inform them the photo is fake and send them an original.” Tantrums_and_Tiaras

5 points (5 votes)

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Breezer2800 4 months ago
NTJ. Anyone that defends Amber is clearly okay with a grown woman insulting and bullying a CHILD.

Amber thinks the only thing that matters is looks, to the point that she photoshops pictures of HER children because she's not happy with how THEY look.

She is a shallow, toxic person that is likely going cause her children to have SO MANY ISSUES growing up, and Matt is just going to stand by and let all happen.

OP needs to just keep her daughter away from them.
1 Reply

12. AITJ For Freaking Out When My Fiance Canceled The Vegan Meal Options For Our Wedding?

“My fiance (31 male) and I (25 female) are getting married soon. There wasn’t much that was disagreed on during the wedding planning except for food. My family and I are vegans, and there are so many reasons why we chose this lifestyle and one of them being that we have a history of health issues. My fiance and his family are the complete opposite. They’re hardcore meat eaters which is fine by me obviously.

However, when deciding on the wedding food menu, I wanted to add 4-5 vegan options. My fiance and his mom objected saying it was a waste of finances over food that ‘isn’t real food.’ They also argued that this would be offensive for ‘their’ guests and suggested my vegan options just be “the good ol’ salads & appetizers” (his mom wanted cupcakes, lol). I said no because for one, it’s me and my family who are paying, and two, I want to make my guests feel welcome and not be treated as second-class citizens by being served “salad.” My fiance made a face and said, “isn’t that what vegans eat?” I refused to argue about it and said it was final.

The other day, I found out that he had canceled all the vegan options and taken them off the menu completely and behind my back. I was seething. I called him at work but he kept hanging up on me. I went straight to his workplace and confronted him there and just flipped out on him. He was stunned to see me. He at first said it was his mom’s idea then told me to go home because I was making a scene at the office.

The fight continued at home and he defended himself by saying that I sort of made him resort to doing this after I kept brushing off his thoughts and input and refused to accommodate his family, but there were PLENTY of meat options, so why can’t I get 4-5 vegan options when I’m paying for it? He yelled that it was his wedding too not my family’s.

My family said it was fine and they’ll figure it out and told me to let it go, but I refused.

AITJ for putting my foot down on this?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. DO NOT LET THIS GO!! This is how he and his mother will act regarding decisions after you are married. Take this as the sign it is and either rethink your decision to marry this man (and his mother) or be prepared to fight them every time you disagree about something.

Honestly, I would make it plain to him that you are incompatible and call off the wedding. The fact that your family is paying for the wedding and he and his mother are still acting this way is absolute bullcrap, and I would’ve lost my temper way before this. If you go through with this wedding, you should notify ALL caterers, photographers, venues, etc. that NOTHING is to be canceled or changed without your permission.

Good luck with him and his mother.” Qariss5902

Another User Comments:

“Do you think marrying someone like this is worth it? The issue may look like a disagreement over food, but it shows an immense lack of respect for you on his part.

He did something behind your back, knowing your and your family’s dietary restrictions (which would make you and your own family who is paying for the wedding go hungry for the entire night).

He doesn’t value your opinion because you disagreeing with him was “brushing off his thoughts and inputs.” So… the solution was to just do whatever he wanted you to do?

He kept hanging up on you to not face the consequences of his actions.

He has not once recognized how crappy his behavior was and keeps gaslighting you into feeling bad to the point where you have to come here to ask strangers if you’re the jerk for wanting to eat something at your OWN WEDDING.

He put his mother’s and his family’s feelings and food preferences over yours, going out of his way to please them, but you were selfish for wanting to do the same thing?

He is a mommy’s boy. Don’t need to add anything to that.

Honestly, this is a much bigger issue. Let him have this one and his entire family (and him) will steamroll over you for your entire life.” mcntm4

Another User Comments:

“I’ll probably get downvoted, but I have to go ESH.

He’s the biggest jerk in the situation. There is no reason you can’t have both vegan and non-vegan options at your wedding even if you weren’t paying for it but especially since you are. The food is mainly for the guests anyway, if half the guests are meat eaters and the other half are plant eaters, you want to accommodate both parties.

The slight jerk move on your part is taking the argument to his place of work. You could have risked him his job over food options at the wedding. That wasn’t cool, but you have every right to be angry and for this to be the hill to die on.” tteoat

4 points (6 votes)

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jake 4 months ago
NTJ!!! In fact, run for the hills now! This is so disrespectful and as someone whose been married for over 20 years, however he treats you now, he will continue and it will get worse. Since your family is paying for this, his mom gets no choice. If you want to stay with him, then that's on you. But I would seriously be thinking about the fact that he is controlling and manipulative and so is his mother. If you're going through with the wedding, go to the caterer, put the vegan options back on, and password protect it and everything else.
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11. AITJ For Getting Angry With My Postpartum Wife For Not Cleaning The House?

“This situation happened last Friday, but I’m still so upset about it.

I 28M and my wife 27F have been married for 3 years now. She has always been a bit messy, but I’m not the cleanest person in the world so it hasn’t bothered me at all. We recently welcomed our son 5 months ago, and he is pretty easy to handle. He does all the normal baby stuff but is easier to calm down, so that’s a plus.

However, my wife has been suffering from postpartum depression and has become very messy. When I was on paternity leave, I could help her more since she didn’t want to go to therapy, and the housework and baby work have led to me shouldering a bit more responsibility, but I love my wife and kids, so I don’t mind.

The issue is that since I was on leave, I missed my turn to host our monthly get-together.

My department does this thing where every month, one of us hosts the rest as a bonding experience. It is done at our respective houses where the host entertains the people, introduces their family, and whatnot. I was supposed to host it and I was thinking that I would reserve a spot at a restaurant instead.

I told my wife my plan, and she insisted that I host it here.

(She has been to this get-together and loved them.) I asked her if she would be ok and she said she could handle it. After I placed the preorders for food and other necessities, I sat my wife down and asked her if she could manage to keep the house clean for that day. If not I would hire housekeeping to do it. She said that I shouldn’t waste unnecessary funds and that she would keep it clean.

I told her that I would leave early that day to get everything ready.

Come to the day of the event and I leave work early, and my house is a mess. Food stains on the wall, baby food on the floor, and my son is crying because of a dirty diaper. I was so angry. I changed his diaper and found my wife upstairs lying in her bed.

I asked what was going on, and she said that she couldn’t get out of bed. The mess was too big to clean, so I tried to get an rsvp at a restaurant, but none of them had space for such a big gathering. I had to end up canceling the event. My coworkers were really understanding, but it was still humiliating. I told her how upset I was because I asked her to do something that she agreed on, but she blamed the baby and started to cry.

I didn’t bother comforting her and have been sleeping on the couch since then. I might be wrong because I’m angry at a woman that has PPD, but she told me she was able to handle it. I feel stupid for believing that. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for this, but you are going to be the jerk to you and your son if you don’t either make her get help or find a way to have someone take over her caretaking role.

I understand it’s embarrassing, and you’re completely valid for feeling that way and being disappointed and frustrated because your wife promised. But she made that promise from a place where she can’t get out of bed due to the PPD and is saying to herself tomorrow will definitely be different, and if she just finds the will to do it, she’ll be fixed and take care of it.

This was clearly not realistic, and you kind of understand her situation now and that if you have something like this again, maybe you reevaluate a few days before and make the call on hiring help/etc.

But this is ultimately a smaller detail in a larger issue — which is your wife’s PPD and denial is so bad that she let your son sit in a dirty diaper for god knows how long! That is neglect and will definitely impact your son’s health and development.

OP, he is your baby. He’s helpless and completely depends on you and your wife to care and advocate for him, and it is your job to do that even if it’s an uncomfortable conversation or result. It’s so much better to have it now — what happens if she doesn’t get better and he starts crawling or walking and hurts himself when she’s in bed? This could become so serious so fast.

You need to have that discussion with her and figure out what your next steps are because this is doing a disservice to your boy.” iolight

Another User Comments:

“A soft YTJ for doing the party. She has PPD and is not in therapy or getting any sort of help whatsoever. She isn’t in her right mind, and while she was trying to pull it together to do the party (that you both used to enjoy), you know she likely is minimizing her PPD to herself and you, and making promises to you and herself that she just needs to power through this.

I think likely she’s worse off now for feeling like a failure for not being able to play happy family, and this sent her into a self-loathing spiral that compounded the level of the PPD.

Please, please call her ob/doctor and get her in to see them for the PPD. Tell them she is having serious trouble functioning at all, and what you can do to get her help.

Go with her to the doctor’s appointment. I can’t tell you enough to be loving and gentle with her, but you have to be firm about it. She needs real help. You love her, she is hurting and there is help out there, and she can be angry with you, but you want her to get well. This is not something to endure or deny – she doesn’t have to keep feeling so bad and it’s okay to get help with it.

And no more social events that require ANYONE doing work like cleaning the house until she’s better. Get a house cleaner to come in, get someone to watch the baby (daycare/nanny/sitter/friend) a few times a week.” 1Cattywampus1

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. If you really think she has PPD and is in denial, I’m not sure why you believed her when she said she was able to handle it.

Getting angry isn’t helpful – if she has PPD then this is unsurprising.

If you think she has PPD, then you need to be looking out for the safety of your child. If she was unable to get out of bed and the son was lying elsewhere in a dirty diaper, this means you need to think about planning for his safety. This may mean taking more extreme action – I understand she is refusing treatment and refusing to acknowledge it but your responsibility is to your dependent son who cannot keep himself safe.

Can you afford a housekeeper? A babysitter? What family resources can you rely on? What kind of medical and governmental support is there for people going through tough times? What advice can a doctor provide you about getting your wife in to see someone?” nmerald

4 points (4 votes)

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Morning 4 months ago
For you guys who are calling him the jerk for wanting to host in his home, go back and read the post! He was going to do the party at a restaurant but his wife wanted it at home. He offered to hire a house cleaner but his wife declined. Sure, he should not have parties at home if his wife is paralyzed with depression. But it's not like this is anything he (or she) has experienced before. If he had not taken the wife and her word, folks would be calling him a jerk ,too.
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10. AITJ For Celebrating My Birthday, Which Falls On The Same Day As My Nephew's Passing?

“My (25F) nephew (4M) passed away 1 year ago because of cancer. It was right on my birthday and there was no celebration; there was nothing because everyone was devastated.

My sister Denise is still grieving, she’s in therapy and making some progress, but it’s been slow. My family and I try to be as supportive as possible.

Birthdays in my family are very important, we throw huge parties, I believe and have been taught that birthdays are important and should be cherished.

Yesterday was my birthday. Obviously, I felt bad about the anniversary of my nephew’s death, but I was also a little down about not being able to celebrate like I used to, and my partner knew that.

In the morning, I went to Denise’s house, stayed by her side until almost lunchtime, when my mother would stay with her (we didn’t want to leave her alone, but no one could stay all day).

I went to work, and at night, my girl made a surprise at home with a candlelight dinner and a small cake. Something very intimate and for both of us, since my family was in a bad way. I didn’t post on social media, but my girl posted a picture of us holding hands and the dinner she made with “Happy Bday, Love.” My mom and Denise follow her on social media.

I woke up the next day to hundreds of texts from my mom and Denise, asking if I was celebrating even though it was such a sad day and how heartless I was to celebrate knowing my sister was in such a bad way. Even though I said it was a surprise, they called me cold, heartless, and insensitive to the pain of others, saying I should have refused to celebrate.

I was just glad I celebrated because it’s something important to me and I didn’t even realize when my girl posted this photo on social media.

By the way, in case you were wondering, none of them remembered it was my birthday.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s only a year, so it’s pretty fresh for Denise still (first year anniversary is horrible), but no one can seriously expect you to never even acknowledge your birthday again.

Everyone is in pain; that’s even more reason to find a reason, any reason, for a little happiness.

My partner’s mom died 4 days and 3 years ago, and today is her mom’s birthday. On the anniversary of her death, we go out and do a couple of things that my partner did with her mom (pancakes and churros), and today, we will have a low-key dinner for her.

It’s our anniversary this weekend. You better believe we still do something for that. Death can not take over the lives of those who remain, otherwise, there is no point even being alive in the first place. It’s always a sad week for all of us, but we keep going and try to find things to enjoy.

Good on your girl for giving you something to smile about on your birthday.

Your sister gets a free pass… this year. Your mom should know better. They are upset because your bday got acknowledged, period. Not because you celebrated.” ChooseACoolName

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your birthday and your nephew’s deaths are two separate things. It’s ok to both mourn your nephew and celebrate you. Grief does not need to be your only identity. You can’t stop existing just because your nephew died.

In a day or so send your sister a message: “Sister, I am so sorry for your loss. I loved nephew so much. My girl and I having cake at home does not mean I don’t miss him every day. However, I can’t just shut down and act like I don’t exist. I have no expectations of you regarding my birthday, but I should not be expected to give up celebrations of myself.

Grief and joy are not mutually exclusive. I will forever feel both on my birthday.”

As for your mom, I’d be a jerk too: “Mom, is it just the anniversary of my birth that makes you sad, or is it everything about me? I spent half my birthday mourning alongside Sis when you weren’t there and you still call me cold, heartless, and insensitive. How much of my life am I supposed to give up? Why do I not deserve to be celebrated? I didn’t celebrate last year.

I only had cake this year. Why is death more important than birth? Why can’t they both be acknowledged? ”

Ok, so my mom message is a bit aggressive, but I had a mom who played favorites.” Left-Ad-4246

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your sister and mother are being irrational. Frankly, they are dishonoring the child by not celebrating the life he did have and by wallowing in their own grief rather than honoring him on that day.

Life goes on for the living. They both need to get more intensive therapy or they will be stuck in this pattern until their own deaths. It is a tragedy but unfortunately one that happens every day to families all over the world.

You have every right to celebrate your birthday. You have every right to expect your family to remember you still exist and to celebrate you on your birthday, or at the very least acknowledge it.

I might suggest having a talk with your sister later on when things calm down and tell her you were hurt by their response and by their lack of care about the living family member standing before them. What if you die in a tragic accident tomorrow? How will they feel then?

Also, I feel the need to point out that everyone’s birthday is a tragedy for someone else.

Think about the people who were born on 9/11. My ex’s bday was that day. My niece was literally born as the towers fell. Thousands of people consider that the worst day of their lives. We still celebrate the living and honor those who were lost before us. Many of the victims’ families gather on the day to honor their loved ones and often continue to do so in their own way for the rest of the year. Then, they go on living.

I recommend you choose a way to honor your nephew on your birthday. A small gesture, this is for you bud. Then, it’s your turn.” ret2go83

4 points (4 votes)

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Iggybop 4 months ago
As a mom whose daughter 5 year old daughter passed away from cancer recently, I'm going with NTJ. Life goes on. You were respectful in not having a huge celebration, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't celebrate it. They are being unreasonable.
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9. AITJ For Walking My Sister Down The Aisle?

“My sister got married on Saturday. She asked me several months ago to walk her down the aisle and to have a dance to honor our dad. I said of course. Our dad died when I was 11 and she was 7 and we both have memories of him and she wanted to honor him, and feel connected to him on the day and saw me as the best person for the job.

So I walked her to her husband and danced to the song our dad used to sing to us.

Our mother was remarried before our dad was a year gone. Her husband has no children and was unable to have kids of his own. So he made a big attempt to take over our dad’s place and be regarded as dad, which he wasn’t.

Despite knowing this, and never being asked, he assumed he would be fulfilling father-of-the-bride duties at my sister’s wedding, and on the day he learned it was me she asked, he was visibly upset.

I had an idea he was expecting it but said nothing. Neither did she.

At the reception he confronted me and asked why I would do it when he’s right there, and how was I more deserving than him, her father figure. I told him it was my sister’s choice and she wanted me so we could honor our dad. He told me he deserved better than to be completely ignored in the wedding and treated like he was not a parent and not a part of our family for the last 15 years.

I shrugged which angered him even more.

He and my mom are both furious at me for saying yes when I knew he wanted to do it.


Another User Comments:


But your sister sure as heck should have told your stepfather about it before the wedding rather than surprising him on the day of it.

It sounds like an incredibly sweet moment you guys had, but with the limited information you shared, it seems quite disrespectful to your mother’s husband.

He’s been in your guy’s life for 15 years and seems to have deserved a heads-up about the decision and be allowed to process it privately, rather than being sprung on him the day of the wedding

With the limited information you shared, I’m tempted to say your sister is the jerk, not for you playing the FOTB role, but for how little regard you both showed for your stepfather’s feelings.” Berly653

Another User Comments:

“You’re NTJ for walking your sister down the aisle and stepping in for the dance, and she’s NTJ for asking you to fulfill your father’s role.

Having you stand in for your dad at your sister’s wedding was a lovely way to honor his memory.

Being a stepparent myself, I know that you don’t replace a parent. In my own experience, I just tried to be a really good, responsible, positive, and supportive adult in my stepson’s life. In his case, his parents divorced. He called me by my first name, and we got along really well.

Just because he didn’t call me mom, or some derivation of mom, didn’t change the fact that I gave him all the love I could have given a biological child. By comparison, his mom forced him to call his stepdad, “dad,” which just made it harder for my stepson.

In a way, I feel sorry for your stepdad because he’s lost the opportunity to be a really great stepdad.

Just because you are a “step” doesn’t mean you are less.” Shoddy_Lifeguard_852

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Neither is your sister.

My mother remarried over a decade after my folks divorced, and several years after my dad passed. I was already separated from my first husband, and my sister was working full-time. While my mother’s new husband would have loved us to call him “dad,” he was not our dad.

When I remarried I asked both my mother and him to walk me to my husband. But only because he had helped find a new JP when the one we had thought would be marrying us backed out a week before the date and was paying for some of the reception. If he hadn’t I would have walked the aisle by myself. When my sister married she didn’t have any bridesmaids.

Nor did she have him walk her down the aisle. As far as we all know, he was ok with this.

Your mom’s husband is the jerk for thinking that he would get the honor reserved for your father, whom you obviously have a close connection with. If he wanted that place of honor, he should have been upfront about his expectations to your sister. As it is her decision.” Substantial-Gain-903

Another User Comments:


Even if he was your guys’ biological father and someone you guys recognized as your dad, he still would not have the right to come after you, or her for her decision. It’s her wedding, if he didn’t want to watch somebody else walk her down the aisle cuz he thinks he deserves something, that’s him being entitled and he shouldn’t have come because he wasn’t there to support her union.

It’s not about what he wants, the fact that your mother is still prioritizing that over you and your sister is an issue.” JCBashBash

4 points (4 votes)

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Beenthruit 3 months ago
NTJ. He should have been told ahead of time. However, I have a feeling if he was, he would have forced the issue with your sister ruining her day.
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8. AITJ For Having Our Engagement Party Without My Mom?

“I proposed to my partner of seven years, and I don’t think anyone was surprised, but it’s still a big deal to us, so we wanted to make a thing about it. We rented the event room at a fancy restaurant and invited the people most special to us for the big reveal.

In order to keep the nature of the evening secret, we arranged for one on one dinners with each attendee.

We made sure to pick a day when everyone was free. These were just our best friends and closest family, so we almost managed it. The only person who said she couldn’t make it was my mom. She said she was going to a concert that night.

We couldn’t reschedule, so I decided I would just call her when her concert was over and have everyone break the news to her as a group, so she would still be somewhat included.

That’s what (sort of) happened. The dinner started at eight. Everyone got there, was super surprised to see each other, I led them to the room, and my girl showed everyone the ring. There were congratulations, food, drinks, and revelry. My mom said her concert ended at nine, so at nine-thirty, I called her. When she answered everyone greeted her, and she asked what was going on.

I told her. She said she would talk to me later and hung up.

She is incredibly upset that I let her miss my engagement party for a concert. She says I should have told her, but that would have ruined the surprise. My mom isn’t good at keeping secrets. I’m her only son, and she’s devastated she missed this once-in-a-lifetime event. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. This is really weird.

You had already proposed to your girl but wanted to throw a surprise engagement party for everyone else? Why? Particularly when you said this wouldn’t be surprising to anyone. You should have told your mother it was an engagement party.

The more I think of it, this whole thing reeks of narcissism. Telling people that you are having dinner with them and then when those people arrive, telling them that you are actually throwing yourself your own surprise engagement party, and they are attending whether they want to or not.

Ugh. You’re practically screaming, “Look at me! Congratulate me! Aren’t you happy for me? Isn’t it great that everything is all about me?” But ironically, you didn’t include the one person at the party that was most likely to really feel that exuberant over the engagement.” dragon-queen

Another User Comments:

“Looks like an unpopular opinion here – but NTJ.

We did an engagement reveal over zoom game night – we put together a whole trivia quiz that led up to revealing the engagement ring and photo…

His parents about missed it because they wanted to go golfing instead even when he said it was super important to him that they attend this game day, so he had to ruin the surprise ahead of time for them, and then during the reveal, my mom had walked into the other room to have a nap with my niece.

Crap happens, people are busy, and the world doesn’t revolve around our engagements/weddings.

If you told her you really wanted her at the dinner and it was important to you, and instead she went to a concert that doesn’t make you a jerk.” WanderingCarss

Another User Comments:


This is so weird. I have never heard of anything like it.

Usually, you get engaged, you tell people you’re engaged, then you have a party to celebrate. The party is usually thrown for you, not you throwing it for guests.

All of this is backward, and you’ve hurt your mother.

Unless you’re not at all close with your parents, they are usually key people to invite to engagement parties and weddings – they’re usually the people who put on the engagement party, actually. If your parent can’t make your wedding-adjacent activity/celebration, these are the rare people you actually do try rescheduling for. If Aunt Bitsy can’t make it because she has a long-standing mahjong game that evening, sucks to be her, you don’t reschedule.

If it’s your mother, yes you do.

So you left her out of a heck of a lot and embarrassed her publicly to boot. I’m embarrassed just imagining it.” IllustratorSlow1614

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You invited her to a dinner. She blew you off for a concert. She’s hurt she couldn’t be there so people could praise her, that’s all. I’m sure you would have told her if she could keep a secret, but she can’t. Honestly, you’re super NTJ.” slom_ax

3 points (3 votes)

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Beenthruit 3 months ago
NTJ. You couldn't change the date and your mom chose a concert over you.
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7. AITJ For Not Letting My Fiance Choose My Bridesmaids?

“My (28f) fiancé (35m) and I are getting married next year.

I was unemployed for about 10 days and I thought it was a good idea to start planning the wedding then because I had so much time on my hands. I planned everything with my fiancé’s backing and approval.

He is a hands-off groom and every time I would pitch an idea or tell him about the DJ or photographer I found, he would say, “ Yes, that’s fine” or “Sure, do what you want,” so I did.

In my country, there are a few rules (traditions) when it comes to picking your bridesmaids and groomsmen.

First, you need to have an odd number of bridesmaids and groomsmen (usually 3 off each for a small wedding like ours). Second, the bridesmaids and groomsmen can’t be married, and third, they shouldn’t be your family members because the act of being a bridesmaid or a groomsman is to welcome them as part of your family in a way, so it wouldn’t make sense otherwise.

We had already agreed on who our bridesmaids and groomsmen were going to be and told them about it too.

Today my fiancé remembered after months of planning that he wants his nieces (19) to be bridesmaids too (we haven’t even seen them in 3 years because they are in different cities, but he just remembered when I mentioned my bridesmaids and I should just go to the same salon on the day).

I said that’s not happening and he started saying I should have known that they wanted to be bridesmaids (I have only spoken to the girls once 3 years ago when marriage wasn’t even on the table).

I explained to him that: 1 he is not the one that is going to be with them all day and this is my decision, 2 they are already family and I had to refuse my own cousin because of this tradition, and 3 they are still young and will expect their teenage partners to be groomsmen.

Realistically, they will break up in a few months because that’s what teenagers do and I’ll be left with some strangers in my family photos. Plus we don’t have an additional 2 male friends that we would want to be our groomsmen that fit that criterion.

Now he is saying that I did not let him pick anything and he never has any say in our wedding plans.

I have brought up the subject of our wedding countless times, and he shuts me down because he doesn’t care and now I’m the bad guy.

I think he went behind my back and already told them to be bridesmaids without my permission when he remembered and called them on their birthday (they are twins) and that’s why he keeps insisting.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – But get an appointment with a marriage counselor ASAP.

It’s a really, really bad sign that your fiance has purposely chosen to let you do all the emotional and mental labor of planning and executing a wedding, just to scream at you later that you’re a jerk for not letting him do anything, and then unilaterally making decisions that impact you, and make YOU look like the bad guy if you don’t go along with it.

He’s really put you in a bad situation. Because now if you remove his nieces from the wedding, he will tell them that he wanted them there, but you don’t, which will damage your relationship with his family.

You are not being a bridezilla.

This sort of behavior doesn’t start or end with a wedding. Start looking at how involved your fiance is with running and maintaining a household because the same people that refuse to help plan a wedding also tend to be the same people that refuse to put any mental labor into running a household.

I suspect that if you marry this guy, you will spend the rest of your life doing all the not-so-fun household management and labor. So make sure you’re okay with this before you legally tie yourself to him.” cottoncandy_cook

Another User Comments:


If there are two things in the wedding that he doesn’t get a say in it’s your dress and your bridesmaids.

Even if you were friendlier with his cousins it wouldn’t make a difference.

The bride gets to choose her own bridal party.

This is something that needs to be talked out together though, whether it’s him accepting that’s just how it is or a compromise can be found. If he suddenly wants a more active role in planning then tell him he can find a role for them outside of your bridal party; like door greeters or something.

Him acting like he suddenly doesn’t give a crap about the whole wedding because he didn’t get his way on something he has no say in is very immature and emotionally manipulative…and if he’s not willing to discuss it maturely, you have to remember that this is the man you’ll be signing up to have disagreements with the rest of your life.” Dani_0501

Another User Comments:


My understanding of the entire bridal party is that the groom chooses his groomsmen and the bride chooses her bridesmaids. The choices are usually people that they trust the most.

Apart from various historical reasons, the biggest reason for having people that you trust, is that they should know you. What you like, what you do not like, what your style is, what your comfort food happens to be, what colors make you go oooh, and what turns you off, or what you absolutely despise and hate.

So the compromise here is this: You will agree, however you do want to know a few things, about his nieces. You want to know all of it, from their likes, their personalities, their style, their clothing choices, who they are romantically involved with, what is the guy like, what their plans are, what kind of music they like and not like, same for food and the list goes on.

However, at the same time, his nieces if they are wanting to be in the bridal shower should know that much about you. Who you are. That is why the choices of the bridal party and those of the groomsmen are very important, cause those people should know who the other is and all of the details that they like and do not like.” JCWa50

3 points (5 votes)

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Portholus 4 months ago
Ok, the tradition in your country is that they do not want family to be part of the wedding party....and you already left out a cousin of yours because of this rule. This is cut and Having only seen them 1 time 3 years ago when marriage was not even a discussion aside, they are family and by tradition, not in the bridal party.

Remind him of all the other times that you asked for input, and he really said nothing. If this is a deal breaker for him then I am sorry to say, I suggest you walk away from all of it. He seems to have done this behind your back and is now trying to make you the bad guy if it does not go his way. This type of manipulation will continue in your marriage if it is not stopped now. Contact the nieces and tell them that you are flattered that they want to be a part of your special day but by tradition, they can not be in the wedding party. Work to see if you can get them in another part of the ceremony such as was mentioned in prior opinions (ushers, seating people, etc) if you choose. Inform hubby to be that you did not appreciate him going behind your back on this and throwing away tradition after you had to exclude a cousin for the same reason. Also inform him that he as been given NUMEROUS occasions to participate in making decisions and has tossed them aside. Make sure he is part of the decision process going forward and make sure you point out that you are asking for his input as he wanted to be part of that process.

If none of this works....walk away. He was deceptive before you are married and set out to make you the bad guy with all this. Will not change if you get married and he gets away with it.
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6. AITJ For Telling My Uncle That I Don't Care About His Feelings?

“My uncle “Chris” is a great guy and our families have always been tight, but I am planning a wedding, and he is driving me batcrap insane. Chris hates my future MIL because he worked his whole life at the same company waiting to get into a certain position, and they decided to hire externally. MIL got the job, but it was hard on Chris because MIL typed her resume on her phone and clearly didn’t proofread it.

It looked like a high school kid wrote it, and she refused to interview.

He is put off by some of her other behavior, but mainly by that resume because it was a joke, and he waited his whole life for that position. Every time they are in the same room due to pre-wedding festivities, he has to take some dig at her. He said she was too old for the color she was wearing (a color?!).

He told my mom to not let her talk to my dad because she will screw anyone. He randomly threw a shirt at her when she was wearing a bikini and called her attention-seeking (it was a pool party and she was not the only one in a bikini). He wanted to invite her man to the bachelor party and get him another girl. He made fun of her for not being married, then told her partner not to marry her because if they had a church wedding, the “stained glass would shatter.”

MIL actually thinks this is funny, but it is stressing me out.

Also, MIL’s man loves to play white knight and defend her. Mainly he just loves to hear himself talk. I find him pompous and unbearable, but holy heck does this man love a good argument.

I recently sat Chris down and said the comments need to stop. I don’t want a shred of drama at my wedding. I don’t want to listen to MIL’s windbag partner, and I don’t want MIL to have ammo to trash me to her family that I let this happen.

Chris said he was just having fun and blowing off steam. Then he began to get emotional and said how much it hurts him and how demeaning it is working under her. I might be a jerk because I said it is my wedding month and I just don’t care about his feelings, and if he ruins this with any drama, I won’t forgive him. He apologized, but my cousins later called me and blew up on me about how I was selfish and callous.

I feel I might have been a bit of a jerk because I know how much he wanted that job. I know how much MIL sucks with her attitude and crappy resume, and I can’t even imagine how she must act at work. I just have a very strong aversion to drama, and don’t want to listen to MIL’s obnoxious partner.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – I would tell him one more peep, and he is not invited.

If he has issues with not getting his dream job, then take it up with his employers. I suspect this childish attitude (with a side of misogyny, if I am not mistaken) probably has a lot to do with why they made an outside hire to begin with. Uncle Chris is toxic. Tell your cousins that if he doesn’t cut it out, he isn’t invited and maybe they should tell him to stop.

They don’t like it. Let them stay home, too. Your wedding and the festivities are not the time or place.

You should probably know that as the aunt, I was fully prepared to deal with future fil if he ruined my baby’s (niece’s) day. He was, as it turned out, capable of being a perfect gentleman.

You aren’t much better than your uncle, which is probably why he feels free to continue acting this way.

Sounds like you are completely unwilling to defend MIL or even tell him to cut it out unless it affects your wedding.” whatev6187

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. MIL is about to be your family and your uncle is a loose cannon. He can’t keep disrespecting her, especially during wedding activities. I think I’d sit down with your parents and get their take. Have them talk to him. The cousins aren’t needed at the wedding if they need to insert themselves into this drama.

Furthermore, there’s a reason the uncle didn’t get the job. He needs to stop blaming others and move on.” Particular_Produce63

Another User Comments:

“ESH, why on earth are you tolerating these disgraceful comments towards the mother of your future husband? It’s disgusting; it’s misogynistic. He shouldn’t be invited full stop.

She did not steal his job; he wasn’t good enough. If he is upset he should take it up with the management and ask them why they felt she was better qualified, or he should move jobs and apply himself like she did.

Big deal about the resume – you shouldn’t even repeat that – I work in recruitment – a resume is not why you get a job or not, it’s just to have something on paper stating your qualifications and roles in case you turn out to have lied in your interview – it’s so that they have something to cross-check in the future. She can print out her LinkedIn page, she can do it on her phone, who cares.

She got the job because of her interview experience and references. People who stay in the same company forever do not get promotions, because ambitious and good people move and gain more experience and do it quicker.

Honestly, how do you as a woman accept those comments, and if you have kids with your husband and have a daughter, how do you accept stuff like this said about their grandmother? She’s laughing as she is forced to survive in business, she’s deserving of a management job because of how she is holding herself and reacting, and he isn’t in management because of his disgusting behavior.

He needs to divert this anger to his boss and leave if he is not happy with their answer.” Big__Bang

Another User Comments:

“Wow. How much must Uncle Chris stink at his job that a woman with a crap resume full of spelling errors who refused to interview got the job instead of an internal hire?

He’s blaming the wrong people. He can blame himself. He can blame the upper management who overlooked his contributions to his company in favor of an outsider with a bad resume.

But why blame her?

However, telling someone you don’t care about their feelings was a mistake. If you don’t care about his feelings, why should he care about yours?

Learn this word: nevertheless. Use it. “I understand you’re hurt; nevertheless, I really want my wedding to be drama-free. Please stop.” “I know you feel like you’re just letting off steam; nevertheless, this is the wrong time and you will hurt my feelings. If I’m important to you, then please stop.”

ESH.” PrivateEyes2020

2 points (2 votes)

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Beenthruit 3 months ago
NTJ. Holy heck is your uncle a child. Saying horrible things to and about someone just because he didn't get the job is really immature. Honestly, I wouldn't even want him at my wedding
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5. AITJ For Telling My Parents They Can Pay For My Wedding If They Want To Choose My Guests So Badly?

“So my wedding is coming up at the end of the year and for months my mom and stepdad have been on my case about the guest list. My fiancee and I are paying for the wedding and we already knew who we did and didn’t want to add to the guest list before we sat down to our invites. I already had them on my case about my stepsiblings needing to have a full role in the wedding and not be treated differently from my sister.

But they also tried to insist I invite my stepdad’s family.

Some background: My dad died when I was 7. My sister was 5. His family was always a big part of our lives. Mom’s family was never involved. She married stepdad when I was 9 and his family lives pretty scattered so not much contact, but they sent stuff occasionally. He had kids ranging from 8 down to 3.

We all lived together and there was drama because out of all of us, my sister and I were the ones with extended family involved in our life. Who showed up for the school plays and the graduations. They were not involved in my step-siblings’ lives. Stepsiblings had no actual active grandparents who they saw. Their mom wasn’t in the picture either. There was always some pressure added to my sister and me to make sure we loved and saw them as real siblings so they at least had a solid, strong nuclear family.

That didn’t happen though. I love my sister more. I care about my sister more. To me, she is my real sibling and they are not the same.

I already put my foot down that I wasn’t going to give my stepsiblings roles for the wedding. My sister is my best person along with my best friend. My fiancee has her sister and brother as her people of honor.

That’s it. That has been a fight.

An even bigger one has been my stepdad’s family. Mom said they are my family too and that means they deserve an invite. I hardly know those people. They are not important to me. It has been argued that my mom, stepdad, and stepsiblings would feel more comfortable with family of theirs present since my dad’s side isn’t part of their lives.

I argued that it’s my and my fiancee’s wedding and we’re not inviting just anyone.

After a lot of pressure, I said they could not dictate our guest list unless they want to pay for the wedding (I know they can’t so it was never a concern that they would offer). They said I had no right to demand they pay for the wedding. I said I hadn’t demanded they pay.

I had just pointed out that if they want specific people there, they would need to pay for that. But they can’t and so they need to let it go.

They called me rude and said I was using my wedding as a weapon to hurt them. They also called me entitled.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ, this is actually the advice I give friends. The person with the purse strings has control, no matter how ridiculous it is.

If your mother and stepdad can’t afford it, then they can screw off. Not your problem that they didn’t make these people who are supposedly important to them be in your life enough to be important to you as well.” hapcapat

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. THEY are using your wedding as a weapon to guilt you into having familial feelings for people who aren’t your family.

Family is defined by more than just blood relation or marriage.

People who haven’t been in your life whom you don’t know, who don’t know you, may be related, but that doesn’t make them family.

Invite who you want. And from now on just refuse to engage with your mom on this topic. If she brings it up just tell her you’ve said all you plan to say about it and it’s no longer up for discussion. Then walk away or hang up if she continues to try to press the issue.

Eventually, she will either learn to stop bringing it up, or she’ll just keep getting hung up on or walked away from. Either way, it’s her choice.” Epsilon_and_Delta

Another User Comments:


Not entitled. They are.

Not rude. They are.

They are being manipulative, rude, and entitled. They are projecting their own behavior on you.

You did the right thing. You told them that this isn’t their event, they aren’t involved in the decisions for the event, and they have no rights at all in planning this event.

You made it clear that they are out of line because they couldn’t take the many hints you gave before this.

Not your fault. They are trying to force you to treat strangers as if they are your relatives. Inviting them and the kids that lived in your house, that’s plenty of stepmom’s relatives to invite. Inviting them as guests, and only as guests, that’s also up to you.

I would prepare ahead for any issues you think they might try to create. If you are doing speeches, I’d make sure that someone is in control of the microphone in case one of the people who aren’t invited to make speeches, tries to take attention where you don’t want it given. Or have someone ready, during speeches to bring music loudly up and over. Or just don’t do speeches at all. Or have a “bouncer” type person ready to walk up and escort someone to the side if they try.” blueberryyogurtcup

2 points (2 votes)

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Squidmom 4 months ago
NTJ. Your wedding, your choice.
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4. AITJ For Leaving A Bad Review On A Hair Stylist For Saying My Hair Was Damaged?

“So not too long ago, I went on a first romantic outing and wanted to get my hair professionally blown out, but my salon didn’t have any last-minute openings. So I called this other salon, and they put me with an older stylist, who we’ll call Z.

So I walk in, and Z sits me down. After she’s done washing my hair, we go back to her chair, and she starts brushing my hair excessively.

“Sorry, I’m just rough-handed!” Yeah ok, but then she goes on to start commenting on the state of my hair. I currently do all over bleach and tone but use Olaplex shampoo every other week, so my hair feels processed, sure, but nonetheless still healthy. “Your hair is sooo damaged! Your hair is so problematic!” I explained that I’m a natural brunette but dye my hair blonde, and she insisted that “my hair doesn’t like bleach.” She pointed out that my hair should not be coming out into the brush when she’s brushing it, yet even before I started bleaching my hair, it would do the same, AND she’s pulling too darn hard!

So to change the subject, since she mentioned she goes to a lot of product shows, I asked her what she thinks of Monat and Mary Kay.

She apparently thinks they’re “good quality,” like whaaaaaat?! Monat is known to make your hair fall out. Oh, and then she tells me to buy every Olaplex product on the line (because apparently, my hair will fall out if I don’t) and then sleep with the shampoo in my hair overnight. But I’m a student and def cannot afford to buy every single product on the line, so that’s a no for me, dog.

After we were done, which took her over an hour to do something my regular stylist can do in half that time, she charges me a whopping $60 for only a wash and blowout. I hit the ‘no tip’ option on her iPad right as she was checking me out. Z then shouts at me as I’m leaving, “Make sure you tell your next stylist that you have problematic hair because you do!”

To be honest, I’ve never felt so intimidated by a stylist, especially since I always look forward to getting my hair done.

My regular stylist as well as a few others I’ve seen never once raised an eyebrow at the state of my hair. I’ve been bleaching/highlighting it for TEN YEARS, and nobody else has ever made Z’s comments. So once I got home, I went to the salon’s Google site as well as their social media page and Yelp, and posted a not-so-nice review, outlining the same details and Z quotes I’ve shared with you above.

AITJ for going to these lengths?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I did the same with a stylist who spent the entire appointment telling me how crazy it was that I was so old and how she couldn’t imagine being so old and how I should cut my shoulder-length hair “super short” on account of my advanced age. She also suggested just “going with (my) natural gray” because “it’s expected when you’re so old.”

I was 42.

And according to everyone, I still look young for my age now, nine years later. And I only had a few patches of gray at the time which every other stylist ever thought was early for that.

Not everyone deserves a tip. And when I posted a bad review of that girl, I found a ton of similar reviews by people who had been told they were elderly.

One was 33.” Lulu_531

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. She fit you in at the last minute. YOU can ask the price beforehand ($60 is reasonable, cheap, much of US). You use extreme products on your hair but can’t afford the maintenance of your styling products. “Older stylist,” you had no problem with the actual work she did, just that your ego got wounded.

Then you trashed her and the salon all over for telling you that your over-processed hair is over-processed because you demand your stylists lie to you and for trying to sell you products as if no stylist in the world has ever done that.” MakeupForBarnie

Another User Comments:


Bleached hair definitely does a lot better with that Olaplex overnight treatment at least once a week, ideally more. She had to tell you how damaged your hair is because you’re a new client, and she doesn’t know what expectations you have regarding what the final hairstyle will look like. It sounds like you brought up MLM products just to bait her, and she responded politely.

You’re allowed to bleach your hair and not mind how damaged it is, but if you want stylists to lie to you, tell them that up front.” ughwhyusernames

Another User Comments:

“This may be an unpopular opinion, but soft ESH – As someone in the beauty industry working as a solo esthetician & owner of their own business, Z’s behavior is unacceptable. There is a difference between having a professional opinion & educating a client based on that opinion versus, quite frankly, insulting them.

Also, depending on the salon you went to, some stylists set their own service prices, not the actual salon or its owners. This is very common in the industry & could explain why your wash & blowout cost $60. It’s always wise to check pricing before booking an appointment to ensure that the stylist or salon is within your budget. No two stylists are the same, hence why Z took longer; she may have a different technique that works for her.

Stylists should always set their prices to ensure they’re making a profit without a tip; her remark as you were walking out the door cause she was livid you didn’t tip is ridiculous.

Now, this is where I (very gently) say you may be the jerk. As someone in the industry, we obviously hate to see bad reviews on our services; it makes us feel crappy (warranted or not).

A phone call or conversation with the salon manager or owner would get you much further rectifying the situation than a bad review on multiple platforms. Business owners and/or the stylists themselves always appreciate the opportunity to make the situation right before being reviewed if we have an unhappy client. You’re not wrong for leaving the review, but it seems like the multiple platforms was overkill when you could have just called the salon & explained what happened & what can be done to prevent it from happening to anyone else who may visit that salon.” sugamaa

1 points (1 votes)

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ashbabyyyy 4 months ago
YTJ, you’ve been bleaching your hair for 10 years, your hair is absolutely damaged.
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3. AITJ For Refusing To Take My Piercings Out For Work?

“I’m 19f, I’m a dishie in a 5-star hotel, and my appearance has never been an issue until today. I have 11 facial piercings and over 30 ear piercings across my two ears. I was told when I started my position here 11 months ago that I could keep them as long as I maintain them correctly and make sure none will ever fall out.

The front-of-house staff isn’t allowed facial piercings other than a single nose stud, but they’re allowed multiple ear piercings.

A lot of them aren’t happy about it, but everyone understands that it’s the rules, and in some circumstances, appearances matter.

There’s one FOH staff member, Jessica 16f, who’s not happy about this because she’s jealous. She wants lots of piercings but refuses to look for a job that allows them for FOH as well as BOH, and she’s refused the job in the kitchen she was offered.

For the past two or three weeks, she’s been trying to tell me I need to take out my piercings because everyone should follow the same rules and that it’s unfair that kitchen staff can have them but floor staff can’t. I tried explaining that she’s in the public eye, and I’m not, so, therefore, the dress code is not the same, but she wasn’t having it.

Now, half the FOH staff is agreeing with her that it’s unfair on them to have to see what they can’t have and the other half agrees with me as they don’t see an issue and they’ve pointed out our hotel is already very lenient with piercings.

So I’m torn. AITJ for refusing to remove the piercings?”

Another User Comments:


Is it unfair that bellhops wear tasseled jackets and maintenance wear coveralls? Is it unfair that in some cities cops can have visible tattoos and other departments, maybe overlapping departments, can’t? Speaking of cops, is it fair that some cops have to wear a uniform and 50 lbs of gear every day and some cops get to be in plain clothes most of the time? No, it is the value of the position.

Equality and equity aren’t about pushing people down until none of us can see which end is up, it’s about raising each other up so we can all reach our goals. If they want to be able to have more facial piercings, bring a petition to management, but don’t force someone else to live by the rules set for you.

I mean, would I patronize a restaurant where the servers or chefs were allowed more than one face piercing, other than the ears? No.

Like you said, appearances matter sometimes. Unless you live in Portland or Austin or another really eccentric place where tourism is based on the cities eccentricities, then face piercings are considered to not be in good taste, and FOH personnel are literally the Face of House, and they need to be, in both appearance and action, in good taste.

I feel like I might have come off as harsh.

You do you. You be yourself. You are a dishwasher; you don’t come in contact with my plate until after I’m done with it. As long as the governing health department doesn’t have a problem with it, I could care less about what the dishwasher wears or doesn’t wear as long as the plates are clean before I am served.” Mundane_Marsupial_61

Another User Comments:

“I jobbed as a waitress at a fancy hotel for a while and they always made us take out or tape off any ear piercings; face wasn’t allowed in at all.

I couldn’t take out my helix because it was still healing so I put a plaster on it and people kept asking me if I had been bit or hurt some other way. The piercing would probably have gone unnoticed by most people otherwise.

Your place is already very relaxed with their piercing rules and she should either be happy with what she has or change jobs.

NTJ.” CarefreeTraveller

Another User Comments:

“ESH: she should be speaking to the manager about her concerns rather than you. Employers have a dress code for customer service such as herself (I assume FOH is front hotel staff?) and as kitchen staff, you shouldn’t be wearing piercings in an area where food and equipment for handling food is prepared for sanitary reasons. I suppose it depends on health and safety regulations in your region, but where I live, factory workers were all required to wear blue bandaids over any facial piercings to prevent them from being touched by hand and to easily see the object has fallen into food and equipment if this was to occur.

In your role, they should be removed or covered up in this same way.” Boudicca_Grace

Another User Comments:

“Go to HR. Go straight to HR, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Report her for both harassing you and stirring up trouble. She isn’t your boss and has no business telling you what to do. If you don’t get this nipped in the bud QUICK, she’s far more likely to end up getting her way, sadly.” Empress_Clementine

1 points (1 votes)

2. AITJ For Firing An Employee For Refusing To Drive The Company's Vehicle?

“I own and operate my own contracting company. I’ve been in business for almost a decade now and have almost 50 people working for me. I usually ask that my workers drive to the office in the morning and take company vans or trucks to job sites, but I understand that isn’t always the easiest option for people, so I do allow them to drive personal vehicles to job sites if they need to.

However, there has been one guy, Steve, who I have gotten a few complaints about from customers.

Steve drives a big, lifted, customized truck. It’s a nice truck and I know he takes a lot of pride in it. But, the thing is covered in political stickers. Now, if you work for me I don’t care what your political views are as long as you’re good at your job.

And Steve has been with me for about 5 years now, and he’s good at what he does. He’s knowledgeable and efficient and overall has been a quality employee.

But, Steve has been driving his truck to job sites pretty regularly because his kids are in daycare and it’s easier for him to drop them off in the morning and then go directly to a job rather than to the office.

We’ve talked about this and I approved it to make it easier for him.

Normally this wouldn’t be an issue for me. But the last 3 customers that Steve was working with complained to me that he was parking his truck in front of their houses and they weren’t comfortable with the political messaging on his truck. The last one even took pictures of his truck and posted it on social media and tagged my company on it.

I had a talk with Steve about driving his truck to jobs and told him that he’s going to need to come to the office in the morning and take a company vehicle. He complained about the hassle of dropping off his kids and I told him he’s going to need to figure that out, but for now, I want him to leave his truck at the office as it is causing me and the company headaches.

He complied for the rest of that last job, but when we started a new one last week, he started driving his own truck again. Sure enough, 3 days into the job and I got complaints from the customer about Steve’s truck.

I had another talk with Steve and told him that this was no longer negotiable and that I am requiring him to take a company vehicle.

He accused me of discriminating against him, and it turned into a heated argument. We both said some harsh things and I eventually told him he was fired.

He has since posted a lot of negative stuff on social media about me and my company. He has also talked to a lot of my employees and some of them have taken his side and think I was in the wrong to fire him.

I’ve had to hold a company-wide meeting about this and I have revoked the option to drive personal vehicles to jobs and now require everyone to take company vehicles, no exceptions.

Now I have people angry at me for taking away that option when they never got complaints, so maybe I’ll have to revisit that idea, but I don’t think I was a jerk for firing Steve.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – Anyone saying otherwise would be astonishing to me.

You didn’t say, “Hey Steve, your politics are crap, so screw you – drive out of your way to work as punishment or else you’re fired.”

In fact, you let him drive his truck to job sites until it became a consistent problem. Then you addressed it. Then he did it again, and it was yet again a problem. So you attempted to explain it and retain him, but he started crying about it and essentially forced the issue.

It’s your company. Your name. And the finances/PR involved affects everyone, not just you. It was a business decision, pure and simple. You can require people to drive company vehicles to job sites, just like you can require people to wear company shirts to job sites. Sure, one person might love an employee’s political shirt, but another person most assuredly will not. If someone parked a giant political advertisement I disagreed with in front of my house, I’d direct them off my property.

And that’s the risk.” FlyoverHangover

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Political beliefs are NOT a protected class. If you’re in the US (and I’m assuming you are), you can legally choose to not employ someone for their political affiliation. Also, the First Amendment does not give you the freedom to say whatever you want in your job. In the same way, a business could say that employees cannot wear clothing with profanity or support for a political cause or candidate while at work can be extended to say an employee cannot take a vehicle to a work site if it has stickers expressing support for a specific candidate or cause.

What they do and say outside their job is a little tricky, but all of this happened on the job.

Additionally, I think you have a lot of leeway and tried to compromise. Also, you didn’t fire him for his political beliefs, you fired him for not following business policies and directives, or insubordination.” WhittSmitt

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. He’s representing your company when he goes to jobs. So if he has stickers on his car, those end up representing the company.

And I’ve seen some pretty messed up bumper stickers out there. I doubt it’s just a “this is the person I support” sticker but ones that are disrespectful and offensive.

People need to be mindful of how they behave whilst representing the company they work for. If you drive a company car, be mindful of how you drive. Don’t drive like a jerk. If you wear a company shirt, don’t act like a jerk in public. Also maybe don’t put your company in your bio on social media if you get into heated arguments online. If in the US, the first amendment only applies to what the government can do about your speech, not what your company does in reaction to your speech.” Own_Purchase1388

1 points (1 votes)

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ankn 4 months ago
NTJ Customers were complaining, and they are your bread and butter. Here's a suggestion. Let some time go by, then hold a company meeting. Explain why you noped on people driving their own vehicles to work sites, then announce you're going to allow it again, on a trial basis, but ONLY vehicles that don't offend your customers. If you see anything, a slogan, image or whatever, that might annoy a customer, the employee can either take it off by the next morning or go back to parking their wheels at company headquarters, their choice. If a customer ever SAYS they're offended, the vehicle's owner has to immediately apologize to the customer, then drive the offending vehicle back to company hadquarters and come back in a company vehicle. Furthermore, the employee loses their pay for however long they were off the job. Also, for a month, they'll have to park their vehicle at your company headquarters and take a company van or truck to get to the work sites. After the month is up, if they've removed or painted over whatever the customer didn't like, they can go back to driving their own vehicle to work sites. If the image/slogan/whatever is still on their vehicle, they must continue driving their car to company HQ until the offending image/slogan is gone. If this works, fine. If it makes headaches for you, remind your employees that it was a trial, and everybody's lost their drive-your-own-vehicle-to-work-sites privilege again.
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1. AITJ For Kicking A Girl Out Of Our Group?

“I’ve been getting so much crap for this that I decided to get a judgment on here.

So I (26M) have a long-standing friend group. Most of us have been friends since high school. This girl named Zoe (25F) has been part of the group since college. We’ve hung out plenty of times. But I would describe our relationship as causal friends. We follow each other on social media and talk in the larger group but never 1 on 1 hanging out.

She is friends mostly with my girls. But I had a low-key crush on her. Some of the women in the group know but have kept it to themselves for my sake. But last month, I got kinda intoxicated. And messaged her late at night about possibly hanging out. She messaged me back in the morning and said she would like to hang out more but just as friends.

I told her I understood. But knew what that meant so I never reached back out.

So my parents own a bar. Typically I will bartend there on the weekends before I go out. My friend group is regular at the bar. I will send out texts about what specials we have that night and invite people to come. So I send out a big invite and include Zoe in it.

She shows up and immediately starts talking to me. I was working, so I kinda just moved along. I charged her full price the whole night, and she started complaining to the other girls about it which ticked me off. Yes, sometimes I will give free stuff out to my friends. But it isn’t all the time. Yes, I used to hook up Zoe a lot.

But that was before she said we were friends.

Then the second thing that happened was I invited a girl to come to the bar to pregame with us before we went out. Zoe sees me talking to this girl. Decided to introduce herself completely out of the blue. Then those two start talking at the bar. And it “slips out” that Zoe and I used to be good friends till I asked her out.

The girl I invited wasn’t happy and I had to spend the next hour explaining that away. So the next time the group went out. I sent Zoe a text and told her to please not show up. She is more than welcome to meet with us later. But I didn’t want to deal with her at my bar. Her friends showed up at the bar this weekend and asked me to talk.

They said it was unfair to not invite Zoe. Because now she feels isolated. Our whole friend group hangs out here. So banning her is essentially banning her from the group. I said everyone is free to pick a different bar to hang out at. And then they can invite whoever they want. But Zoe is weird and is causing issues. So it is her own fault.

I’m still being called a jerk. But my guys are on my side. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I’m not gonna lie, I’m generally pretty biased toward the women in these scenarios, but it’s baffling to me that people are saying you’re at fault.

The only thing that really changed is that you’re not giving her free stuff anymore. She’s still being invited places, she’s not being outcast, and you’re not still pursuing her or treating her as a problem because she said no.

Not giving her free stuff seems pretty minor and also entirely your choice since it’s not something she’s owed.

On the other hand, she has gotten upset she’s no longer getting preferential treatment, showed what seems to be jealousy when you try to move on, and in general seems pretty entitled about the whole rejection. As if things SHOULD be the same after she said no.

The fact of the matter is: Once someone stops liking you, yeah things are gonna change a bit.

That’s how it works. Changed feelings mean a changed atmosphere.

You’re not making it hostile, you’re not making her out to be a bad person, and you’re not crossing her boundaries. She’s the one doing all of that to you. It’s like she wants all the attention of a crush without having to actually reciprocate feelings.

Also, I don’t agree that she had no idea you liked her.

Even when guys tried to hide it, I noticed when they gave me preferential treatment and seemed a bit smitten with me. The free drinks alone would’ve been a major indicator.

Honestly, it seems like you dodged a massive bullet; I can only imagine how she would’ve been if you guys were together romantically.” nixibon

Another User Comments:


There is no reason for Zoe to complain about not getting the free/discounted drinks because that should be expected in the situation.

She knows why she was paying full price because it’s a pretty standard part of the obvious change in your relationship. It’s not like you were good friends, you were casual friends in the same group, once you showed interest and she turned you down, of course, things will get more distant between you (at least for a while) and that’s normal.

Idk about her going up to that girl—is she normally pretty friendly with everyone like that? It definitely seems petty and intentional for her to tell a stranger that kind of personal info about the two of you.

But kicking her out of the group is not cool. You could have talked to her about not intruding on you at work and then if she did, tell her not to come in.” Queasy_Bed_6050

Another User Comments:


She rejected you, so you’re essentially getting her thrown out of the group.

No, she’s not entitled to free drinks, and she shouldn’t have stirred things with the other girl, but that doesn’t mean she should be shunned.

You’re using your position of power (free drinks to other friends, established hang-out location control) to essentially punish her for not being interested in a romantic or friends-with-benefits relationship.” Forsaken_Status_2979

0 points (2 votes)

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Stagewhisperer 4 months ago
Obviously you don't owe anyone free stuff, but If you give free stuff to friends you don't aspire to thingy, and stopped giving anything to her specifically, you are making it clear that she was never actually a friend at all, which she's justified in being hurt by by even if it's true. If you only give free stuff to friends you want to be more than friends with, it's fair to cut her off - but also fair for her to mention that pattern to anyone else in your group that is receiving free stuff, in case they also are under the mistaken impression that you are their friend.

It is your right not to want to give her free stuff in any case, and it's your right to ask people to party elsewhere (though not to be unprofessional with them if they exercise their right to party in any public place and with whatever guests they choose). It is understandable to be hurt by rejection, and to want to spend less rather than more time with those who have hurt us. It is also pretty clear that some of her behaviour is stemming from hurt feelings, which are also understandable. It sounds like you would both benefit from some space, and frankly she might be getting the better part of that bargain..just don't be shocked if some of the people who do consider themselves her friends also patronize other places to party (and tip)!
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