People Come Clean About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
15. AITJ For Snapping At My Mother-In-Law?
“My wife and I have been married for almost 3 years and we have a 9-month old son. We both work full-time and to reduce the cost of childcare, my MIL comes over to watch our son 2 days a week. My MIL can be a little much sometimes, but she’s good with our son and it’s saving us hundreds of dollars every month. So even though she’s not my favorite person, it’s a fair trade in my eyes.
One thing I don’t like about my MIL is that she posts a lot, like a lot a lot. Every time she’s over with our son there are multiple pictures and videos posted every day. My wife and I are ok with pictures of our son being on social media, but we try to limit our own posts and have had multiple conversations with MIL that we would like her to tone down.
She always gets defensive and says she’s just showing off her only grandson and he’s just too cute not to share. My wife doesn’t want to push it further than we have, but it’s getting on my nerves.
The reason for this post is that I installed a swing in our backyard that hangs from a tree branch. The day I installed it my son had already gone to bed for the night so I was excited to use it with him for the first time the next day.
We told MIL about the swing, but my wife specifically told her not to put him in it until we got home because we wanted to see him the first time in it.
Well, she didn’t even make it to noon before she had posted multiple pictures and a video of him in his new swing, captioned with ‘Baby’s first time in his new swing with grandma!’ I almost called my MIL straight away, but I decided to text my wife first and let her know before I flew off the handle.
My wife called me on her lunch break and tried to talk me down, telling me that she would talk to her mom again and take care of it. We ended our conversation with the agreement that my wife would tell her mom to take down the pictures and video and tell her that she needs our approval for all future social media posts she makes of our son.
I was still annoyed, but this agreement worked for me.
When I got home my wife and MIL had already talked and my MIL was clearly sulking. As soon as I got home she made a comment to me about censoring her and not letting her show off her grandson. No apology for overstepping, no acknowledgment that she went against our wishes for our son, just immediate attacks against me.
I snapped back at her that he is our son, not hers and that if she wants to continue to see him she needs to start respecting the very simple rules we have. I told her that she knew exactly what she was doing and that she stole the first experience from me that I wanted to share with my son and that if she posted one more thing on social media without clearing it with me or my wife first I would put my son in daycare full-time and limit her visits with him.
My wife thinks I went too far and should have let her handle it. I told her all I wanted was an apology and her mom couldn’t even do that. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – ugh my sister is in a similar situation. I can understand why your wife wanted to be the one to handle it, and in the future, you need to let her do that.
Unfortunately, you are probably not going to change grandma at this point in her life. If you want free childcare, you will be dealing with this regularly. If you don’t want to pay for a different childcare situation, you and your wife need to come to an agreement on how to handle grandma and stick to that agreement. It has caused significant marriage problems for my sister so I really encourage you to go in a different direction for childcare if at all possible.” Kerri_23
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: You and your wife need to have a discussion about how to handle the clearly overstepped boundaries (and repeatedly overstepped).
If you want to give your MIL another chance (or if you really need to save funds) you both need to be present for a discussion with her (present a united front) saying that you both are grateful to her for her help and you know she loves your son, but you need her to abide by your rules regarding your child in the same way she would have expected someone to abide by her rules when she was the parent.
She may not agree with them, but you are his parents.
Don’t make threats. Just reiterate your position. Then if she oversteps again, you don’t owe her another warning. Just put your son in daycare and she can see him when you or your wife are supervising. If you can’t trust her now, you can’t trust her going forward (don’t give him too much sugar, don’t let him play video games all day, etc).
This will just be the beginning.” phillysportsfangirl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s is worth bearing in mind that as working parents you are going to miss stuff, unfortunately (that’s not me saying you guys should be staying at home – I worked whilst my daughter went to nursery and I missed milestones). But MIL was out of order here as you’d asked her not to use it.
Have you tried explaining why you are limiting posts on social media? Tell her that there are a lot of bad people nowadays that identify children from pictures and work out their location and back story so that they can snatch them.
If they know your child’s name, grandparents, parents, see what the back garden and security looks like, see a nursery or school uniform… all this stuff is WHY parents don’t stick a load of pictures on social media all the time. It’s incredibly difficult to limit it to a small audience because you can’t keep track of who she is friends with and who might see their account at home…
And tell her that you know how much she loves your son and wouldn’t want to put him at risk in that way. That will hopefully make her think twice.” bluep3001
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and it is so important to set these boundaries with her now. I absolutely love my MIL… but my husband and I were young parents who still had to work… and I was still in high school for a bit after our son was born.
One of my biggest things was her smoking in the house. This annoyed me like no other. But she felt like she could smoke because it was her house and as long as she went to her bedroom it would be fine. For a while, my husband pushed, but she pushed back. He only made it two weeks where we wouldn’t take him over there and then he caved because he felt it wasn’t fair for him not to see her grandson.
I still hate that he caved… I don’t love her any less but it makes me mad that she couldn’t overlook her habit for the health and safety of her grandson.
People do stupid things, and if you and your wife don’t come together on this and make it clear that this is how you both feel, you will also be viewed as the bad guy and always be blamed, just as I still am.
Our son is now 15… and I still catch things for the ‘do you remember when you kept him away for two weeks…’ when in reality it was something we decided together but my husband is the one that caved…” njx6
Another User Comments:
“So NTJ. This sounds so familiar (my husband had the same problem with my mother until we moved 3,400 miles away). She had our daughter 2 days a week too and it was constant bragging on social media every time they did anything (My husband and I rarely use social media and tend to be choosy about what we post).
The worse thing was that my husband would casually say he wanted to take our daughter somewhere – the zoo, new play park, whatever. You can guarantee the next time my mother had our daughter she would be checking in at that place on social media and posting pictures about her ‘first time’ doing whatever. Similarly, we would talk about stuff we wanted to buy for birthdays/Christmas and I kid you not my mother would get in there first every time.
My husband almost lost it a number of times.
It’s probably hard for your wife as she is in the middle, but from experience, you need to stand firm and make clear this is all totally unacceptable. It’s bad enough being away from your child and having someone else look after them, but your MIL needs to be sensitive and let you guys dictate what is right for you.
Or you could move to another country – worked for us.” emmyloumac
14. AITJ For Not Thanking My Sister For Her Gift To Me?
“Earlier today I was minding my own business watching the first episode of a new Netflix show when my sister comes downstairs unannounced and just sort of hands me an Amazon package addressed to me. I was a little confused because I wasn’t expecting any Amazon packages, and my birthday was over a month ago so I wasn’t really expecting anything related to that either, so I ask her if she knows what it is and she just sort of shrugs it off.
I open it up and it’s a bunch of music books for the new instrument I just got. Which on the surface is a really nice gift. But I wasn’t particularly excited, more confused. Not many people knew I had this instrument and my sister said she didn’t know what it was, so my assumption was perhaps it came from my mother. However, we’re not on good terms and it would be very like her to try and bribe me with a gift like this so one of my first thoughts was that I may not keep this gift.
I was pretty into my show so I quickly rifled through the box and then leaned back in my chair to return to my show acting pretty indifferent I’m sure.
I thought my sister was watching the show with me so when she asked me, ‘that’s it??’ I thought she was referring to something on the show. I start explaining but she says ‘no I mean the box, that’s it?’ I passively tell her it’s some sheet music because I didn’t think it would interest her and I was going to figure it out later.
But then she got upset and walked off telling me she got it for me and there was a note I didn’t notice.
It was a nice note that said happy belated and thanks for all you do, but by the time I was reading it my sister was shouting from the stairs, ‘so should I just return it? There are more still to arrive should I cancel them since you hate your gift?’ So her attitude kind of negated the gratefulness one might feel from getting a gift.
I told her I didn’t get what she was talking about and didn’t want to deal with this at the moment.
Then I overheard her talking to my mother loudly complaining about me. When I hear her say ‘he’s not worth talking to’ I sort of lose my cool. So this is where I may be the jerk, I took the Amazon package upstairs and slid it as hard as I could along the floor until it slid against the door of the room they were speaking in.
I mean who gives a gift and then immediately gets upset and threatens to return it like that?? It felt like somehow me getting a really confusing gift turned me into the bad guy while she went and told everyone what a victim she was.
The package was essentially a few books in a box, no damage to the items themselves was intended nor suffered. The act of sliding the package along the floor was an angry way for me to say ‘I hear you’ and absolutely was passive-aggressive.
Also, the note in question was a tiny slip of paper that looked just like the receipt. So I didn’t acknowledge it when taking initial stock of the package because I was intending to put it aside until I wasn’t preoccupied with a tv show. I just started an ADHD medication so I try not to let myself get distracted from my task at hand.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I’m kinda hesitant to call you the jerk, but I have a big problem with your post. You make a lot of assumptions. You assumed it was from your mother. You assumed the reason your mother sent it was for nefarious reasons. You assumed your sister wouldn’t be interested in hearing about the gift (news flash: if someone’s asking, they’re interested). I feel like a lot of that could have been avoided had you taken the time to investigate the source, fully look through the package, and talk to your sister about it.
And once you found out it was from your sister, you neglected her hurt feelings (which were valid) and went back to your TV show citing you didn’t want to deal with it. You said yourself it was a very thoughtful gift. Your sister deserved more courtesy from you. I think you should apologize instead of being petty and sliding the box into her door. Grow up.
You made a mistake so own up to it.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I feel like if you receive a package addressed to you with something that only a few people could send to you, you’d care a little more. It was a thoughtful and observant gift, and there was a note, which means you didn’t even really examine it, and that is a pretty ungrateful attitude to have IMO.
I don’t know how you just brushed off a nice gift like that without determining who gave it to you because you knew it could only have been sent by a select group of people who are obviously close to you.
Sliding the box was a big jerk move and is extremely passive-aggressive. It’s petty your sis had to go complain on the phone to your mom, but you really didn’t have to do that.
You could’ve just told her you to appreciate the gift and that you were confused.” fluteoptional
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She didn’t give you the parcel and tell you it was from her, even when you opened it and were looking through it. You asked her what it was and where from and she shrugged so you had a look then went back to what you were doing.
If she had acknowledged it was a gift or from her I think you would have responded differently.
Those Amazon gift notes are small- hard to notice right away and usually at the bottom of the box so until you went through the whole thing it’s understandable you didn’t realize it was from her.
Her reaction makes her the jerk – you don’t give people presents to get thanks.
You give presents because you care about the person. She started shouting at you before you’d even read the note- if she’d waited 30 seconds then I bet you’d have been thanking her and paying more attention but nope, she wanted some major reaction despite playing it off as nothing then got mad and starts yelling about taking back all your gifts? Major jerk move. Then she doubled down and goes ranting to your mum like you had deliberately snubbed her as opposed to not understanding that you were receiving a birthday present (a month late and she didn’t tell you it was a gift nor was it a gift wrapped). If it’s just about money then who wants a gift at all? I’d have been annoyed and given back the gifts as well- they aren’t strings or sticks to beat you with.” Lulubelle__007
13. AITJ For Calling The Cops On A Hit And Run?
“I (26F) have been staying with my significant other (22F) in her apartment complex for the past three or four months. Last night we dropped by the house to take our dogs out. When we pulled in, a group of guys that live a few units down was getting in their car to leave. We walk our dogs and get ready to head back out and there is a huge dent in the driver-side backseat door.
The car that left obviously hit my car and didn’t leave any type of note. We know which unit is theirs so we go tape a note to the door and knock just to see if anyone is home.
Out comes one of the guys’ pregnant partners. She immediately is rude and disrespectful to us. Calls the guys, they say they didn’t hit anybody’s car. She doesn’t give me her insurance info but assures me that she can have my car fixed at a body shop that her family supposedly runs.
I told her that sounded fine and we came downstairs to our place. The next day I called my dad and he insisted I file a police report. I also got in touch with the security officer on-site and he would get me the footage from that night.
So I have the police come over and they say that they can’t put the other car on the report unless they have solid proof.
I told them that I would get the footage to them as soon as I have it. I get it a few hours later (a very clear picture of her car hitting mine and going through the gate without stopping) and send it to the girl whose car it was. She gets all mad and knocks on our door telling us to come outside because to police are on the way.
I asked her if they said how long they would be and she ignored me. She was visibly very angry. When the police show up I give them the card with the case number on it. She then proceeds to tell them that her car did indeed hit mine but they tried to knock on my door to let me know (didn’t happen). She was very upset and disrespectful, trying to argue loudly with my partner and being disrespectful.
So much so that the police officer asked her to calm down. I did not want to get the police involved, I just want my (new) car to be fixed without my insurance skyrocketing. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – they hit your car and then bailed without leaving a note or trying to get in contact with you. That’s a hit and run which is at least a misdemeanor.
How could you be the jerk here? She was just mad because they got caught.” dookle14
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The other person is trying to scam you.
If they really wanted to help you out they would have left their name and number on a note and exchanged insurance information. And when you tracked them down they could have given them your insurance information as well. The whole ‘I know a guy who can fix your car up’ is almost always a scam.
It sucks that you had to involve the cops at all, but if the person who hit your car had shared their insurance information, you wouldn’t have had to call the cops.” FunOnAita
Another User Comments:
“Obviously NTJ, or the cop would’ve been telling you to calm down. Sounds like typical people trying to escape the consequences, and will probably keep the actual driver out of sight until he sobers up enough to pass a test.” JetScootr
12. AITJ For Not Postponing Our Wedding Because Of My Sister-In-Law's Pregnancy?
“My SIL is 2 months pregnant and she’s due on August 6.
Mine and my fiancé’s wedding date is July 30th. We’ve saved the date and booked every venue about it since May. Booking a wedding these days can be really hard since everyone is rescheduling after two years of constant postponements.
My SIL announced that she’s two months pregnant last week. She also said her due date.
We congratulated her and we were really excited.
After a few days, yesterday we met with her again and she said she wanted to sit me and my husband down and discuss the cancellation or postponement of our wedding because of her due date. We were shocked and surprised since we never discussed or even implied the wedding would be postponed. We kindly said to her that we won’t cancel the wedding and we won’t be mad if she won’t be able to make it because her due date will be closed.
She said she won’t accept not attending her brother’s wedding so we have to make it work and look for another date. We explained we can’t do it right now since every other date will be booked and if we cancel or postpone then the next wedding date available is after February 2023. She said fine so be it we should book it for then.
My fiancé and I were clear that we cannot and will not postpone.
We have already prepaid some aspects of our vendors and we won’t get all of our money back if we cancel. Also, I’m gonna be honest. We don’t want to cancel or postpone either. The wedding has been booked since spring 2021 we’ve almost finished all preparations for it so we will have the last few months before the wedding more relaxing and chill.
Also, my SIL doesn’t have an active role in the wedding.
She’s the groom’s sister but she has no duties she’ll have to carry out. She can attend and sit in a chair to feel more comfortable and leave whenever she gets tired. She can also choose not to attend together if she doesn’t feel comfortable. Even if she had duties I’d find it perfectly reasonable for her to back out.
My in-laws have all gotten involved now and they’re trying to pressure us to postpone the wedding because if we don’t my SIL will probably not attend and she thinks it’s unfair to not be present at her brother’s wedding.
My fiancé and I have not changed our minds but my SIL claims we are very selfish for not thinking about her feelings too and changing the date. AITJ for not postponing/canceling the wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. SIL and parents need to stop being so entitled and get a grip.
You’ve had this wedding planned for a while, finally, get everyone together and have vendors/venue booked, and she wants you to cancel it because it is close to her due date and she can’t fathom missing her brother’s wedding? Come onnnn lady.
I have a sister and would be super upset if I couldn’t make it to her wedding, but asking my sister to completely postpone the wedding so that I can come when it’s convenient for me is so wild and insane. At most I’d ask if it’s possible for it to be live-streamed so I can still be a part of it/watch it but even then I’d understand if it wasn’t possible for whatever reason.
Say you’ll only cancel if she pays for all the non-refundable things and a wedding planner since you guys aren’t going to do all that again. Watch how quickly she changes her tone.” legallllybrunetttte
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – why didn’t she plan around your wedding date – if it’s that important? Obviously, the wedding was booked way before she got pregnant. My SIL came to my wedding on Saturday and had the baby Wednesday.
It’s not that big of a deal to attend someone else’s wedding while huge pregnant – if she is still going out at that point of course. The bigger issue to me seems to be the entitled family you are marrying into. Talk very openly and honestly with your fiancé – he has to know you are the priority long term. His family sounds awful. Would he walk away from their toxicity if needed? Think about it – talk about it.
What is too much? How will you both handle that moment?” bearfoggy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. Wow! Where did your SIL get her sense of entitlement?
There is absolutely no reason for you to postpone your wedding. She is not part of it. Her due date is one week after your wedding. Yes, the baby could be born early but it could also be born later. The world does not revolve around the birth of this child.
She is making NO sacrifices here whereas she is asking you to sacrifice fees as well as postponing the wedding for six months. This is not ABOUT her!
There are too many people poking their noses into YOUR BUSINESS. Tell them that you are NOT postponing and there is every chance that your SIL will be able to attend. Tell them that this is no longer open for discussion and, if they press the issue, walk out or hang up. You will not be held hostage by the pregnancy card.” patjames904
11. AITJ For Leaving The House To Avoid Babysitting My Nephews?
“I (m30) have a younger brother who is married and has 2 pre-school age kids. He travels a lot for work and his wife is a stay-at-home-mom. When my brother leaves the country he’d tell his wife that if she needed anything, then she should give me a call. Then go on and on about how SIL and the kids are my responsibility while he’s gone.
I never said I was okay with this since my SIL and I aren’t on the best of terms but I try to help for my nephew’s sake.
My brother flew out of town for work last week. The next day I got a call from his wife asking if I could watch the kids while she get her hair cut for her sister’s upcoming wedding. I said no because I already had to attend my partner’s art event.
SIL pressured me saying stuff like ‘art event isn’t more important than your nephews’ and ‘your brother is counting on you and he said I could rely on you’ the usual guilt-tripping nonsense. I said no means no and hung up.
Literally minutes later, I got a text from SIL saying she was on her way to drop the kids off and I better not leave. I didn’t reply I just got dressed quickly and got out of there before she came.
My neighbor called saying he saw my SIL knocking on my door hysterically and unusually checking my windows. I told him to let her, she will leave soon and she clearly did after calling me non-stop.
Hours later, my brother called and was mad saying what I did was childish and that I was a terrible uncle to bail on my nephews and my SIL when they needed my help.
I told him what went down but he sided with his wife and called me unreliable, irresponsible, and a weasel. I tried to cut the argument but he said he was disappointed in me and my childish behavior but I thought that was too much frankly. SIL was and still is incredibly upset with me and my brother got back but refused to see me until I apologize which is hurtful of him.
I wonder if I should’ve just sucked it up this one time instead of ruining my relationship with my brother like that.”
Another User Comments:
“I would not even offer to be available for babysitting during emergencies, because the brother and SIL are already so myopically entitled it seems likely they will interpret ’emergency’ any way they please.
OP, this is insane. This thread and other advice columns are full of people trying to navigate having other people’s kids dumped on them.
I can’t believe this many horrible entitled parents who apparently have never heard of ‘paid to babysit’ are out there, but here we are. What they all have in common is they are very, very difficult to reason with.
I would make it clear, IN WRITING, to both brother and SIL that you are done. That you never asked to be a third person in their marriage and you certainly never agreed to have kids.
The children are their responsibility and your automatic, ongoing answer to ‘can you watch them’ is no. Also, warn them that if they leave them at your house and you are not there and something happens to those kids, it will be their responsibility, not yours — and in fact, you will be reporting them for child abandonment, should this ever happen (unfortunately, you need to do this to legally protect yourself).
Also, if they drag you into these discussions again, simply telling them no and that you’re not available is enough. It’s completely irrelevant what you’re doing when you can’t babysit. Do not get dragged into arguments over whose commitment is more important, an art show or a hair appointment. These aren’t your kids and you didn’t sign up to provide a lifetime of free last-minute child care, so what you are doing when you can’t watch them matters.
Remind them they are welcome to plan for and pay for an actual babysitter. Who is not you?
Good luck to you. NTJ, like, so incredibly obviously.” loptopblop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your brother is childish for making you be the step-in husband. Your SIL needs to not impose her children on you when you said NO. If she wants to get haircuts and go out and do different things, she needs to CHECK IF YOU’RE AVAILABLE FIRST.
How dare she guilt trip you and then tell you she’s dropping her kids anyways???
Your brother is an irresponsible and unreliable weasel of a parent himself. He goes out of town for work and dumps everything on his wife who seemingly can’t handle the kids by herself. He needs to get a babysitter and stop inconveniencing you.
Don’t cave and apologize. You did nothing wrong and your brother should apologize for him and his wife’s CHILDISH behavior.
It’s funny bc everything he used to describe your actions is actually how he and his wife are acting.” Fun-Tourist-7395
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister-in-law tried to give you the bum’s rush — that is, to force you to take on the responsibility by turning it into a fait accompli. Of course, you said no. Not to mention that when someone’s that aggressive, trying to talk them down in person is a non-starter.
Your brother is (if possible) a bigger jerk in the situation for being condescending. You are his sister, not a recalcitrant child… and his wife was being completely out of line.
Yeah, maybe it would have looked better in some ways if you had met the sister-in-law and confronted her directly. But it’s more likely she would have steamrollered you and left the kids with you before you could say anything.
So, yeah, that’s not a confrontation you want to have, especially not in front of her kids.
Finally… they’re being presumptuous. The ‘you’re responsible for the nieces and nephews thing’ should only come into play in at least semi-dire circumstances. Like, say, if your sister-in-law had a medical emergency or a work emergency and needed you to take care of the kids so she could attend to it. Getting her hair done for someone’s wedding does not qualify.” ForgottenTroll
10. AITJ For "Not Showing Enough Emotion" When My Sister Was Down?
“My sister, let’s call her Natalie, recently had a messy break up with her partner of around seven months.
Long story short, a few days after they split, she leaked some of her private photos which was very traumatic for Natalie especially since she wants to be a school teacher and she’s afraid if this comes up she won’t be allowed near kids.
I told her that I would support her if she wanted to sue and told her to be careful next time, but she’s really upset with me for some reason.
She keeps saying that I don’t care enough because I’m not angry enough and I’ll admit, I don’t really care that much. Yes I recognize it’s a terrible thing to happen to anyone but she took the risk, how is it my fault?
Even though I don’t particularly feel any strong emotions on her behalf, I still offered my support and even told her she could stay with me since she and her ex still haven’t worked out the Lease with their apartment.
And I feel she’s being ungrateful by asking me to do more. What more could I possibly do?
It all came to a head yesterday afternoon when I came back from a ten-hour shift and she was laying down on my couch in a huge mess, surrounded by snacks that I hoped to eat because I was starving and I guess I just snapped and told her to get over it, get out, and get her life back on track.
She started crying and accused me of being a jerk for not caring about her in such a delicate state she’s in and as her older brother I’m supposed to ‘take charge of this situation.’
I told her that it was HER problem and she can deal with it herself (which I admit I said a bit callously because I was so annoyed) then gave her two hours to pack and called my mom to get her.
My mom is not happy and believes that it’s my job to handle this mess because I’m supposed to protect my baby sister. They want me to ‘man up’ apologize and keep housing her until she gets better.
I’m not even sure I want to apologize much less let her back. I wonder if I’m being irrational or if there’s something I can’t see? I did try to help but I feel like at some point she should take charge of her own problems.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is her problem, and it’s not your job to clean it up. I’m assuming she’s of age, and with that in mind, you honestly can’t do anything because you were and are not involved in the situation at all. You supported her which is all you can do in this type of situation, but it is her responsibility to handle the situation like the adult she is.
Despite this, I get why you snapped on her, but your reaction was irrational because she is in a delicate state, but again you’re NTJ because she needs to grow up and learn to handle her own problems. Sorry for the bluntness.” Twolegging
Another User Comments:
“Unpopular opinion: Everyone sucks here.
It is not your responsibility to fix her mess. Literally putting this on you is stupid af. HOWEVER.
You offered her a place to stay, you took her in. Idk what the conditions of that move-in were? Was there ever a ‘don’t cry in my living room and eat my snacks?’
If not, then you kicked out a girl who was in need who you promised to take in. You must have known that she was going to be an emotional wreck for a while.
Depending on the duration of her stay, that could even be illegal. Depending on how long she was there, you would have had to have given her a 30-day warning.
Your sister is struggling, yes, and it is ABSOLUTELY NOT your responsibility to solve her problems. But you DID make her living situation your responsibility, and that is where you suck.” TriggeredEllie
Another User Comments:
“I was gonna say ‘no jerks here’ until I reached the end.
Absolute NTJ.
It’s completely understandable for your sister to be hugely emotionally distressed and your reaction is… honestly not the best. It’s an emotionally fraught situation and you didn’t give the best emotional support so I wouldn’t blame your sister for being a bit upset with you for that. It’s a difficult situation. Nor would I blame you for your reaction. You are supporting her and you don’t need to have strong emotions towards a situation that honestly has nothing to do with you.
But then your sister seems to think you HAVE to ‘take charge,’ whatever that means. You are being kind to your sister by offering a place to say and giving your support, even if you are not connecting with her situation as emotionally as she might want. But this is her problem and her life. You do not owe her anything and you are certainly not responsible for her.
You were definitely a bit too harsh IMO, but at the same time it seems like your family is expecting too much of you in this situation.” lesslurking
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, this is obviously a very traumatic time for her, and she’s not dealing well. But her learned helplessness as your little sister seems very intense.
‘she was laying down on my couch in a huge mess, surrounded by snacks that I hoped to eat because I was starving and I guess I just snapped and told her to get over it, get out, and get her life back on track.’
Look, are you a jerk for not caring that much about the situation, no, are you a jerk for this incident when your sister is dealing with her privacy being spread about by someone she loved? Yeah.” LittlestSapphire
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Your sister is in a lot of pain and is feeling very fragile. Yes, she ate all of your snacks. That’s what depressed/stressed people do. It sounds like your behavior towards her is a result of judging her for sending private photos, not anything else. That being said, I don’t think it’s your responsibility to ‘man up’ and fix her situation. I am a woman and I had a difficult situation and mental breakdown and moved in with my brother. I was too depressed and sick to clean up after myself, and would often sleep and cry all day. It really crushed me when he disapproved and judged me. Things have since gotten better because he took the time to understand me and we communicated about it.” cerulean_sage
9. AITJ For Telling My Partner Her Clown Makeup Is Embarrassing?
“My partner and I are both women. Since I was in high school, I’ve been really into wearing makeup. When I have lots of time in the morning, I can spend an hour+ on my face. My partner on the other hand is very anti-makeup. She thinks it’s a tool of oppression/shouldn’t be required of her to wear in public, etc.
Restrictions are opening up, and last week we got into an argument after I made us late to a friend’s party by spending too long getting ready to leave the house.
She blew up on me in the car, basically saying that I shouldn’t even have to wear makeup, and I’m just perpetuating gender stereotypes. I said my makeup was a form of creative expression, and it wasn’t just so I could ‘look pretty for men.’ She said it was really convenient that my form of creative expression happens to look exactly like what men find conventionally attractive.
We ended up apologizing to each other and I thought that was the end of it, but yesterday we were going out to the grocery shop and my partner came out of the bathroom wearing a full face of facepaint. I told her she can’t go to the grocery store looking like that, and she told me it was based on a cirque du Soleil clown, and that she’s showing a legitimate form of ‘creative expression.’ I told her if she went out like that I would be embarrassed to be seen with her and she called me a witch.
AITJ?
EDIT:
So this post blew up, and my partner saw it.
We got into another argument, as she wasn’t very happy that I posted this instead of talking to her. I slept on the couch last night, but this morning she told me she’d been reading a lot of the comments and wanted to explain her side.
Basically, she’d meant the clown makeup thing as a harmless joke, and didn’t realize that it could have been seen as offensive to me, and she got really defensive once I started calling her embarrassing.
She apologized for making a dig at my hobby and said the argument got out of hand because she was just angry about having to be constantly late because of me.
I told her I was sorry for always making us late, which seemed to make her happy (since apparently there have been multiple occasions where I made us ‘late,’ that I didn’t count as being late).
We made up.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your partner has a right to be annoyed about being made late and has a right to make a complaint about that, but does not have the right to manipulate the argument to impose her values about makeup-wearing on you. She’s being a sanctimonious pain in the butt about that.
However- if she wants to wear clown makeup in public, you have no right to impose YOUR values on HER, either.
It’s really no reflection on you so don’t worry about it.
Stop trying to convince her with the ‘creative’ argument. Tell her you’re an adult and she’s not your mom and you’ll wear makeup if you want, period.” B4pangea
Another User Comments:
“The issue here is that the girl is attempting to create a false equivalency – OP spends hours on her makeup to make herself look nice as a form of creative expression, where the girl puts on some clown makeup and tries to call it the same thing.
By doing this, the girl is implying that OP looks like a clown when she wears makeup. The girl intentionally ignored the clear difference between clown makeup and cosmetic makeup, subtly implying that there’s no difference between the two and basically insulting and belittling all the hard work OP puts into her makeup. Basically saying OP looks like a clown. THAT’S what makes this so rude.
The girl wasn’t wearing clown makeup because she genuinely wanted to, or because it was her own ‘creative expression’, she was doing it specifically as an insult to OP. If the girl genuinely DID want to wear clown makeup out, there shouldn’t be an issue because it is her right as a form of creative expression. BUT I think it’s safe from the post to assume she hadn’t worn the clown makeup prior to the argument, and definitely didn’t wear it regularly which makes her the jerk.
That clown makeup wasn’t the girl’s ‘creative expression’, it was done as a direct response and direct insult to OP’s makeup.
OP, I would suggest sitting down and thinking about what you’re getting out of this relationship versus what you want from it. Your partner has shown that she not only doesn’t respect your personal choices and lifestyle, but she’s immature enough to pull stuff like this with the sole intent of insulting and hurting you.
It may seem like a little thing right now, but I can say from personal experience that small boundary stomps will often turn into bigger and bigger transgressions until you’ve got no personal boundaries left. NTJ.” audientix
Another User Comments:
“Personally I don’t wear make-up at all, but I’ve had housemates who adore makeup and for them, it absolutely was an outlet for creative expression, it was a hobby that they enjoyed and made them happy, and it sounds like the same for OP.
Should that have made them late? No, but for me, I would need more info on whether that makes OP a jerk. How late were they, has this made them late more than once? OP doesn’t mention that they apologized for making them late, which is a jerk move. I guess it depends on the tone of the conversation, if OP was uncaring about the fact they were late and just responded with ‘THIS IS MY ARTISTIC VISION’, then yeah that sounds pretty arrogant.
I read it more as the girl had a big rant about makeup (which sounds like an ongoing issue with the girl), where OP responded with why it shouldn’t be an issue for her to enjoy makeup – but not as a justification for making them late.
I don’t think that the girl putting on clown makeup out of spite is in any way a fair and equally valid form of expression to OP generally wearing makeup.
The key reason here is it is done out of spite, plus (rightly or wrongly) full clown makeup is not as socially acceptable for a trip to the store as regular makeup. If it truly made the gf happy, then hey, you do you, but I think it’s a bit unfair for people to argue these two things are the same.
For me, OP is NTJ, especially if she apologized for being late and it isn’t an ongoing issue.
The girl’s behavior is petty and a deliberate act to make OP unhappy and uncomfortable, which to me is a jerk move in any relationship. I don’t even inherently disagree with the girl’s opinion on makeup and the male gaze, but I think it’s:
a. reductive to say that no women are allowed to enjoy ‘feminine’ things because it also appeals to men, or that they don’t REALLY enjoy it, they’re just brainwashed by society.
I mean, we’re all a product of society, but people are also allowed to like what they like, and the aim of equality is for everyone to have the right to enjoy what they want freely without prejudice.
b. not the best way to win hearts and minds by attacking your partner about something she enjoys. Being frustrated about being late doesn’t give you the right to attack someone about their interests, and certainly not to continue to be petty about it DAYS LATER.
The more I think about the amount of effort the girl went to pull this stunt (finding somewhere that sells clown makeup, buying it, looking at Cirque de solei pictures, painting her face in secret to do a big reveal when OP wanted to go to the store, likely spending time thinking about how to undermine OP’s ‘creative expression’ point)… screw that. That’s such a level of dedication to being angry at their partner who they are supposed to love, I would be so done with that nonsense.
Assuming we’re not missing something here and OP hasn’t been also being deliberately petty and winding up their partner (in which case, they both suck), I’m really struggling to see why people have taken against OP so much on this.” whitepawprint
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I went out with a man who accused me of wearing makeup to make other men want me.
I just love wearing makeup, and it turns out the man I was with was just very insecure and controlling.
Regardless of your significant other being male or female, in this case, it just happens to be a she who is trying to change you to conform you into being a person who she wants you to be rather than what you want to be.
By definition, this is controlling. It doesn’t matter what it represents or doesn’t represent. If you are the kind of person who enjoys wearing makeup and it makes you happy then you should be able to do it rather than being with someone who is trying to control you until you become someone you’re not.
Secondly, regardless if she is male or female, just because you are together does not mean it’s her right to verbally abuse you. She called you a witch. That is verbal abuse.
You need to tell her to shape up or ship out because this is totally uncalled for and she needs to let you be you without trying to punish you with abuse for not doing what she wants.
Let’s be real here, if you were talking about a guy instead of a girl everyone would be calling him names for calling his partner a witch. Why should this situation be any different?” Conscious-Vanilla
8. AITJ For Not Walking My Roommate To Her Car?
“I (20M) have 2 roommates, 22f and 20f. We found each other on craigslist so I don’t really know them and we don’t talk too much but we have been living together since 2020. Last night my roommate wanted to go somewhere and was going to go to her car. Our apartment complex has a parking garage that can get pretty dark. She asked me if I could walk with her to her car because it was night, and she was scared and didn’t wanna go alone.
I told her I was sorry but I was really tired. She asked again and said, ‘please, I’m scared to go there alone at night’. I again apologized and told her I was tired, and she did go alone. But she later told our other roommate and now they are both mad at me and I’m starting to think that I should have gone so that she could feel comfortable, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Why can’t the apartment complex add lights? It’s a matter of everyone’s safety, not just hers, or yours (walking her to her car means you walk back alone on the same dark path). I actually made this type of request at my complex and they worked on it (our stairwells were pretty dark).
Also, I don’t want to discount the experience or fear of any woman who needs/wants that level of comfort and safety.
But I’m also a woman who fiercely prefers to take care of myself and not need/want to rely on someone else. I’ve told men no when they offer to walk with me. And I’ve had men INSIST on walking with me despite my no. And I do take extra measures to make sure I am able to stay safe while acting as independently as possible. It’s all a balancing act.” Poesy-WordHoard
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you do not have to walk her or anyone to their car unless you wish to.
She was the one who wanted to go out alone at night and needs to find a way to keep herself safe. I, for example, live in a dangerous area where it’s common to hear gunshots daily and a few years ago there was a triple homicide. I arm myself with what I can because I can’t always rely on everyone to come to save me.
If she was so uncomfortable going out alone, maybe you could suggest she get into self-defense classes if that might help or some sort of martial arts. Maybe give her a list of items to carry if you want, but you are not obligated to do so. Good luck. I hope this works out for you.” No_Address1996
Another User Comments:
“I’m mixed. A woman has a bigger chance of being attacked than a male.
Women are nowhere safe. One night my class and I had a restaurant evening (we cooked for sponsors and teachers it makes 25% of your grade) my father ran a bit late. So I was alone. My male friend came out and he stayed with me as well as the security guard till my dad came, the next morning I gave them both something to say thank you when I asked why they did it, the security guard said ‘a woman alone is not safe plus my wife would kill me if she learns that a left a woman by herself, and as a father of 2 daughters I would want to know someone kept them safe.’ My friend just said ‘it’s dangerous.’
It just showed me where they are. I would expect my son to do the same for a woman.” Any_Worth_9325
7. AITJ For Turning My Niece Vegan?
“My BIL and SIL recently asked if my husband and I could watch their 7 yr old daughter for a few weeks. We said yes, and my Niece came to stay with us. I’m out of work due to the global crisis and my husband is an essential worker who has been working extremely long hours. So 95% of the childcare fell on me.
I’ve been a vegan for over 10 years and was vegetarian for several years before that.
Everyone in the family knows this. I cook vegan at home, my husband will sometimes add his own meat or dairy to the vegan meals I provide, but with his new work hours he hasn’t had time to cook for himself at all, so all the meals are prepared at our house have been vegan.
I did get some meat-based convenience foods for my niece. Stuff-like chicken nuggets that could just be heated (I can’t handle raw meat) and added to her plate.
It pained me to do it, but I figured it would be best for everyone.
After a few days of living with us, and helping me prepare meals, my niece started asking questions about why I don’t cook ‘real’ meat. I explained that I don’t eat animals. She kept asking questions about it, lots of ‘whys’ and I explained it to her like this ‘Do you think Dexter (Our dog) has feelings? Does he get happy and scared? Would he be scared if someone tried to kill him? Would you want to eat him?’ then continued ‘I believe that cows, and pigs, and chickens have feelings just like Dexter does so I don’t want to eat them either.’
After that conversation, my niece promptly declared, she didn’t want to eat meat again.
So I stopped serving her the meat items I bought for her and she just ate my food. When we made pasta one day, she asked where the cheese was, and I explained to her that they have to take the baby cows away from the mothers to get the milk, but if she really wanted cheese for her pasta we could go get some at the store.
She said ‘No thanks’ and that was that.
When my SIL came and picked niece up, we chatted a bit and I mentioned that niece stopped eating meat while she was here. SIL looked a little taken aback but didn’t say anything. The next day, my BIL called my husband and was absolutely furious about it.
SIL and BIL have been screeching about me to everyone in the family, telling them it was really messed up for me to turn my niece vegan.
My husband is annoyed at me because now he and his brother are fighting (he and his brother had always been pretty close, but now BIL has been ignoring my husband for a few weeks).
I don’t think I did anything wrong. I was honest and age-appropriate. I offered the kid animal products. She decided she didn’t want them.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Yes, YTJ. Absolutely. And here’s why:
You are seriously understating what you did when you said:
I don’t think I did anything wrong.
I was honest and age-appropriate. I offered the kid animal products. She decided she didn’t want them.
Here’s the thing about kids: they are incredibly impressionable. It was commendable that you jumped over your shadow to get meat products for her, despite the fact that doing so was uncomfortable for you, but really, when she started asking questions, you should’ve backed out and waved her off. You should’ve told her to talk to her parents.
Specifically:
‘Do you think Dexter (Our dog) has feelings? Does he get happy and scared? Would he be scared if someone tried to kill him? Would you want to eat him?’ then continued ‘I believe that cows, and pigs, and chickens have feelings just like Dexter does so I don’t want to eat them either.’
This really borders emotional manipulation. When she asked ‘why do you not eat animals’, you could’ve responded any way – but you chose to involve a dog, an animal that is traditionally very emotionally close to families – and children especially – and basically likened him to the livestock that is used to produce meat.
I can not think of any reason you would do this other than wanting to ‘spread your ideals’, for lack of better phrasing, by specifically invoking the emotional connection she had to this specific animal. While I’m not here to debate the morality of meat-eating with you, using an argument such as this on a child is absolutely inappropriate and loads the conversation right from the get-go.
You should’ve handled this with a lot more tact. It is not your place to educate this child on matters such as this.” ThePaSch
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I think bringing up the emotional trauma of harming the animal, and the animal’s feelings are pushing factors to her reaction. You made that the pushing factor for your choice to switch and emphasized that, highly doubt you also pressured as much over the cons of not having the preparation for this diet.
She isn’t at an age where she is educated enough to make moral decisions for what’s best for her nutritional intake, she is just basing these decisions off on the emotional trauma you emphasized she takes part of when eating animals, which obviously can affect an eating pattern or daily nutrition. Understandably, someone left their young child with you and came back refusing to eat meat, in the developmental stages this can turn into a big deal.
It’s more expensive, requires planning and education for non-vegans… I’m sure you didn’t share the benefits of eating grass-fed meats, or what supplementing good meat can do for her body, considering your lifestyle, and in that bias, you would be the jerk. I would understandably be very upset if that was my child.” soIventless
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Imagine your niece was Jewish, imagine you are Christian. Imagine she asks you why you are Christian while her parents are Jewish.
You have many ways to answer that question but the right way to answer it is ‘because I believe in it and everyone has a choice what they believe in. You should talk to your parents about this.’ What you did was the equivalent of saying ‘So Christians believe in Jesus, a person like you or me. Jewish people like your parents condemned Jesus to death.
Do you think Jesus would want to die? Do you think Jesus had feelings? Do you think he was scared?’ and then claiming ‘I didn’t skew her one way or the other, I totally didn’t make her feel like the only right way was my way by suggesting that when she eats meat it is the same as her eating my dog.’ You might feel that way but certainly, the majority of humanity does not.
You basically told a kid that if she keeps eating meat she may as well be killing and eating a beloved animal that she knows. Not your place to be putting ideas like this in a 7-year-olds head.” Justwantetizbro
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, her parents should have known that over the course of a few weeks this was likely to come up. If they thought it would be a problem how you answer her questions they should have told you how to let her know what you think.
I don’t believe however they can compel you to uphold their carnist viewpoint when you see it as immoral.
People are saying the dog example is going too far but the way you see it is that dogs are essentially the same as other animals.
Everyone gets to make their own choices about what they find morally acceptable. This is not the first time nor the last time that the beliefs held by her parents will be challenged because of new information or a new perspective to consider.
Their daughter will inevitably explore her own agency her parents should be proud of. She might not last as a vegan forever but she might possibly either way that is her choice and her parents should support her regardless of their own beliefs.” Alseids
6. AITJ For Not Telling My Kids We're Very Well Off?
“I (46F) grew up VERY poor. I mean, we got evicted from our home, would go without meals, got the electric and water turned off constantly. As soon as I was old enough to get a job, I did and saved every penny. I met my husband (47M) in elementary school, and he grew up kinda spoiled. His family wasn’t well off by any means, but he got just about anything he wanted.
It wasn’t until he saw how I grew up for him to finally realize just how good he had it. Anyway, after some really good investment decisions on my part, and him going into the tech field we became very well off. We have three kids together (Liam 20M, Jessie 18F, and Dan 15M) and wanted to teach them responsibility and accountability. My husband and I were never over the top people, to begin with, so no fancy cars, big houses, designer clothes, etc.
We live in the area we grew up in which is a mix between the middle class and lower middle class.
Last Friday Jessie wanted to go to the beach with a couple of her friends to watch the sunset for the first time since 2020. I told her that as long as everyone kept their masks on (or when they didn’t have them on were a minimum recommended distance apart) it was fine.
I also told her that I’d give her $20 so she could get dinner seeing as she hasn’t been able to work since March. She agreed, so I asked her to go into the office that my husband and myself share to grab my wallet.
Unbeknownst to me, my husband had our bank statements pulled up on the computer, but had gone to use the bathroom. Jessie saw them while getting my wallet.
She came back out and basically threw a fit. Claiming that we were lying to them (our kids) and ruining their futures. When I asked her to clarify what she meant she said that we should have put them in private school, bought them cars so they didn’t have to work while in high school, and should be flat out paying for them to go to college.
I explained to her that we just wanted to teach them responsibility, but she blew up again and said they could have learned that and still been in ‘better’ schools.
Jessie told both of her brothers about our financial situation. Dan agreed with Jessie, and Liam half agreed. He said while it is my husband’s and my money, we are jerks for not financially supporting them more by putting them in private schools and paying fully for their college.
So, AITJ?
Edit; Our kid’s public school is great, better than the private schools around us. We are paying for college, just not their recreational activities (movies, going to dinner, a weekend at the beach, going to the mall)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – when I do appreciate that some parents do spend a lot on financially supporting their kids through expensive universities etc. it is by no means a standard situation.
I think you do the right thing to teach your kids that money needs to be earned and not everything is handed to them. There will be a harsh awakening in the real world otherwise.
At the same time, I can understand that your kid throws a tantrum at you – I would have questioned my parents as well. However, I think it can be easily solved by showing how expensive life is and what the amount is needed for.
Just as an example – 20k on a bank account would have been insane for me at age 15. At age 32 that is pretty much the minimum safety net for me in case something happens in life. Maybe it’s time to give your kids a talk about money.” L44KSO
Another User Comments:
“NTJ based on clarification below. Your daughter is being kind of a brat: fancy cars are not necessary (you don’t have one obviously), is expected to work is good for you, and private school in grade school/high school aren’t necessary for most circumstances.
However… I think you should think about what she said on the college issues. I personally think that parenting means doing as much as you can reasonably afford to give your children opportunities for a successful future. The prospect of crushing college debt can limit people’s horizons. It can lead to choosing a lesser school (not just in terms of fanciness/prestige, but in terms of the actual quality of the specific program they’re interested in), effect the doors that are eventually open to them (unpaid internships are exploitive but in some fields, they’re how you get your foot in the door), and can mean that they don’t have the opportunity to start saving for their own retirement at a young age.
I would seriously think about helping them with their college costs if you can afford it, and even consider providing some support that allows them to work less if the alternative is that they have to pass up an opportunity that could improve their future prospects. EDIT but you aren’t doing that they just have to earn their own for going to the movies which is fine.” neobeguine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but they’re probably reevaluating some fundamental assumptions they made about your lives.
Like, it’s one thing to feel good about working hard to put yourself through a state school because your parents can’t afford it otherwise; it’s another thing to have your parents just refuse to pay for college because they don’t think private schools are worth it or want you to have skin in the game. I think your kids are mad not so much because you ‘lied’ than because they thought they had an understanding of your circumstances and it turns out to be very different.
There’s a big difference between ‘we can’t afford to send you to St. Snob Academy’ and ‘We don’t think the educational experience they provide at St Snob’s is what we want for you’. You were thinking the latter, but they were thinking the former, and what they’re now looking back and thinking is ‘Our parents didn’t care enough about us to send us to St Snob’s where all the graduates go to Princeton’.
Your kids are also at ages where peer pressure is strong and they see friends with things they don’t have, so it’s a particularly bad age to have this revelation.
I think that probably the best thing to do is to move forward as you have, but to couch things in terms of what values you have and want to teach around money.” terracottatilefish
Another User Commentts:
“So, you succeeded in teaching responsibility…
at the cost of trust.
How do I know?
Their first thought wasn’t about a new gaming system or designer clothes… but they want to go to a better school to do better in the future. They want a way to school that doesn’t involve them working on homework or extracurricular activities time.
I worked through school and missed out on all the things I could have learned and done.
You are NTJ for spending. But you are the jerk for not understanding the impact on the future of your children. They will never trust you now and will feel resentment. I’m not saying go out and spoil them. I’m saying offer them the educational opportunities they want and give them a set allowance for luxury and if they want more they need to work.
But pay for anything school related… you are the parents.” ChaosAndMischeif
At first, I was like, "Dude! You totally should be paying for their college of you can afford it," but then I saw at the very end that you actually *are* paying for their college tuition, and they just need to pay for their own recreational activities and such. That makes more sense. Either way, you're still NTJ. You and your husband have made parenting and financial decisions that have provided very well for you both, and your kids are just acting like entitled brats because they feel they have a *right* to your money. That's just ridiculous. They need to learn responsibility first, or they'll just end up squandering their money and end up worse off in the long run!
5. AITJ For Telling My Mother Her Daughter Doesn't Exist?
“I (25, they/he) came out as transmasculine nonbinary a few months ago. I was TERRIFIED in the lead-up to it and at first, Mum seemed supportive.
Except she can’t get my new name and pronouns into her head. It’s constant, multiple times a day, every single day. I politely correct her when I have the spoons but lately, I’ve just been ignoring it because I’m exhausted and I feel like I shouldn’t have to still keep reminding her.
I let a LOT slide because I recognize and respect that after 25 years of thinking she had a daughter my mother needs time to wrap her head around the fact that she has two sons.
My brother (27M), however, also has 25 years of habit to break, and he has been a MUCH better ally. He corrects her on my name and pronouns when I can’t, and he backed me up – to a degree – today.
So on to today. My mother used an extremely femme nickname for me. So I asked her to please use neutral/masculine nicknames for me.
Cue a SCREAMING argument because how DARE I ‘abuse her’ like this, I have no respect for how hard this is for her, this is HER house and she has the RIGHT to not be criticized in it, blah blah blah. I admit I lost my temper and yelled back a little bit.
My brother told her that everything I was saying needed to be said.
She shut me down completely, and I told her to get lost. Then I walked away to cool off. Came back to it once I was calm and the screaming started back up again about how she doesn’t care who I ‘choose to be’ and how awful it is of me to ask her to ‘throw away 25 years of love names’ just because of my feelings about my gender.
I told her she wasn’t taking into account how much I was hurting and she told me she didn’t care.
I lost my temper badly. My poor brother was caught in the middle and I feel bad about that. But I yelled at my mother that she clearly only cares about HER feelings and then walked away into my room, shut the door, and had a bit of a breakdown.
She opened my door a few minutes ago to let my dog into my room. I told her to go away.
I sent her a message telling her she’s not a good ally and she’s going to have to either be honest about who she is and what she stands for or listen, learn and do better. I told her that she has to kiss her idea of a daughter goodbye because her daughter doesn’t exist and never has, and she has two sons.
Then I blocked messages from her for a while.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I want to say ‘everyone sucks here’ with a heavy border towards NTJ. I can see where your mother will be unable to completely see you as a son, after all, she birthed and living daughter whom she cared for as a daughter for years, she probably sees an image of her in you, and for a parent, that’s likely a hard thing to come to terms with.
However, you’re fully entitled to support for your gender and what you feel it to be, and the argument, probably long since due, could’ve been drastically avoided or even altered with the right words, but that large fault is on your mother, not you.
What I suggest now is for you, your brother, and your mother to sit down and have a long conversation (not an argument).
Your mom needs to come to terms that her baby girl is no longer that, that though she may have ‘lost a daughter’ she still has a child that still loves and cherishes her, and though she may never fully come to terms with it, you are who you are and won’t ever change. I hope the best of luck to you, and pray that your mom can break her habit, if only a little, and see you as a son.” TheIronTemplar
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, except for the brother he seemed okay so far.
I only say you were out of line because I think you should have given your mother more slack, and been less harsh about your actions. Do remember that yes your brother has 25 years of calling you a certain pronoun, but he grew up in a world where transgender people were in the media and in a good light and where it was more normalized as opposed to when your mother was born and grew up in a world completely oblivious to such an idea, grew up to be an adult, then had 25 years of calling you ‘she’.
I understand how frustrating it could be to have someone just not get something in their head, but that takes a lot of time. I’ll be honest it’s a lot more complicated to hear transmasculine nonbinary, compared to a transman. In conclusion, she has to understand the effect her actions have on you, and you have to understand how difficult it is for her to understand this new world. Unless she is just transphobic then she’s the jerk.” Mackyykcam
4. AITJ For Expecting My Mom To Keep Paying For The Car?
“I drive and need a car for work. My mum has a disability, so about two and a half years ago, I entered into a contract on a vehicle that met her needs, at a higher cost to me. They didn’t like my old car and it was unreliable. I’ve been driving her, and the rest of the family (I’m the only driver) around whenever they want to go somewhere or have a hospital appointment.
Over time, it became days that I was too stressed to do it, and I said yes, and I used my annual leave from work to take them to appointments or drive them places.
This continues right up until about a month ago, when I had a mental health crisis, and then had another. I’ve had to take a step back – I broke up with my partner of fifteen years, and I’ve been having a really hard time.
I hadn’t anticipated not being a taxi forever, but right now I can’t be anything to anyone because I have to take care of myself.
My mum went a bit overboard at Christmas and has been living in her overdraft. She spent most of her savings on doing up her house to meet her needs and helping my sister out with a new kitchen and extension.
Because I haven’t been around, she’s been getting a taxi to my sister’s instead.
It’s actually a 45-minute drive each way, 33 miles – so £55 a trip in a cab (I’m told). Each time I’d take someone here or drop them back again, it’s 1.5 hours of my time and I paid all the fuel. So obviously me not doing this for her is expensive for her. There is a train, but I guess that’s out of the question because of the aforementioned disability (MS and mobility issues – no permanent wheelchair yet, but probs soon).
I’ve been told because I haven’t been there, she wants to stop giving me allowance for the car. I hadn’t anticipated me being unavailable was a long-term thing, and now I am likely to end up with a car I got that is more expensive because it met other people’s needs. Doing this because I haven’t been there to do what she needs whilst I’ve been struggling feels selfish to me.
I appreciated the help, but the way I see it – I was using my leave from work to drive places, paying for the fuel and maintenance, and even had to do it when I was sick. I rarely get a thank you and begin to feel used. I’m sure that she probably feels used now she’s not getting the benefit, but I had to stop and take care of my mental health and that was unavoidable.
Even though I’m still struggling mentally (as well as now having a whole household to pay for alone, and therapy to help me recover) I’m now in a position where I probably have to fulfill the rest of this contract, for something I got that benefited us both, but also wasn’t just to meet my needs – it was to meet hers. It puts me in a position I don’t want to be in and worrying if things go back to normal at any point it will just be entirely at my expense mentally/time-wise/financially.
AITJ for expecting her to keep paying even though right now she’s not benefitting?
Edit for clarity: it’s a lease contract that runs out in August, I can’t sell the car or terminate the contract I just have to pay it all if she doesn’t help.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, also why didn’t she contact the council to help with her home being modified to her needs also. You could have gotten a mobility car from the DWP to ferry her around in if not an allowance from the DWP to help with the running costs of your car.
Don’t feel guilty about the current situation aa your health should come first also take time to heal. Your sister should be helping more since your mother has helped her. If your mum is collecting the mobility part in her benefits it should be given to you. Also if you’re her full-time carer you should be able to get a carer’s allowance. Hope you’re feeling better soon…
also look into getting someone to run your mother about as she can claim from the DWP and local council seek advice on this.” Icy_Conversation_612
Another User Comments:
“YTA. It sounds like you agreed to buy a more expensive car than you strictly needed to accommodate your mom, and she agreed to help pay for that car as you drive her around. Now, for reasons outside of your control, you are no longer driving her and she is taking taxis.
Those cost your mom so she is no longer wanting to help pay for a car she isn’t getting benefit from.” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is hard but if you can’t care for her she needs a carer $110 for a day travel is not good and will have long-standing consequences the house has to meet her needs but if you can’t find a carer for her then she needs to move to a facility better prepared for this. You aren’t her taxi or carer, you help out obviously but your health is more important.” Zachariah-Mancer
3. AITJ For Lying About My Account?
“Someone accidentally cash apped me $120. It seemed suspicious so I texted asking them ‘Hey why’d you send me $120? Was that on purpose?’ They didn’t remember doing it.
So I lied to them apologizing saying I texted the wrong person that the cash app tag belonged to someone else.
I justified this to myself by telling myself that if I did give I’d back I’d literally only have $2 to my name for the next three weeks because I’m still job shopping and interviews.
Am I still the jerk for lying to them?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Something fishy is going on with their account or they could be suffering from any number of cognitive/memory disorders. Yes, it’s hard when you only have two bucks for the next three weeks but what if they’re in that same situation? What if that $120 was all they had left? It’s not yours.
Regardless of the reason why they don’t remember sending you the money, what you did was lie and take advantage of their situation. You are definitely the jerk.” Natasaleia
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You stole from that person, easy as that. Saying ‘I only have 2 bucks to my name for the next three weeks’ is sad, but not an excuse… You could’ve mentioned like ‘hey sorry, but I kind of need the money, I’ll pay you back when I can!'” zZombi__
2. AITJ For Lying About Where My Partner And I Met?
“My long-distance partner and I met online, but I told my friends we met through mutual friends at a party. I know that meeting people online isn’t a big deal at all nowadays, but I had just moved to a new city with a new group of friends and was extra conscious about fitting in/ making a good first impression. I’m aware that caring too much about others’ opinions is a flaw of mine, but I really didn’t think it was a big thing to lie about.
I had even joked to my partner about telling everyone we met at a party, and he seemed fine with it.
Fast forward a few months and my partner comes to visit me and we go out for drinks with my friends.
I’m super excited to be out with my friends and him altogether! One of my friends, who I haven’t talked to about my partner, asked where my partner and I met.
My partner goes to answer, but I reflexively say ‘through mutual friends at a party’. Afterward, my partner seems down, so I go up to the bar with him and ask if he’s okay. He asked why I lied about where we met, and whether I feel embarrassed by him. A bit of a backstory – he works in a factory and I’m studying chemical engineering, so at the start of our relationship he has some insecurity issues about me being ‘too good’ for him.
This, of course, is ridiculous because he’s super kind and talented in his own ways, and it was something I thought we worked through and overcome way before that night.
Anyway, I reassure him (a lot) that I’m definitely not embarrassed by him, but just a little embarrassed that we met online. He tells me that meeting on the Internet is pretty standard, and I agree, but I also tell him that I’ve already told my friends (in my foolishness) that we’ve met at a party, so changing my story now would expose me as a liar (which, to be fair, I am).
He still looked unhappy, so I say that if it really means a lot to him, then I can tell my friends the truth. He said it was fine and to forget it, so we just went back and carried on.
I’m a little annoyed that he over-reacted to what I thought was a small white lie, but he thinks that I’m ashamed of our relationship somehow, even though I’ve assured him I’m definitely not.
Is he insecure, or AITJ?
Edit 1: I had told him previously that I wanted to/ was telling people we met elsewhere, but always in a joking manner. He seemed ambivalent about it or teased me about being self-conscious. He had never previously suggested he would be actually upset about the lie. In hindsight, of course, I should have had a more serious conversation about it, but it didn’t even occur to me that he would have an issue with it.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You are lying, plain and simple, and over something completely stupid. The internet is a completely normal way to meet people — myself and plenty of men and women I know have had very healthy relationships that started online.
Seriously, no one freaking cares. And if they do so what, you are the one in a happy relationship. Get over yourself. The fact that you think the perception of meeting someone online is worse than being a liar speaks a lot about your character” rokaluka
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, not the biggest one in the world but you lied and now you’re feeling bad because your ongoing lie hurt his feelings and you’re trying to spin it so it sounds like you had no idea that could hurt his feelings.
Some people like talking about their meeting story with friends or having at least a shared understanding of what that story would be; I met my partner online and all our friends and family know because we actually do both enjoy talking about how we met in an honest way because it’s important to us. Maybe your meeting story is important to your partnerand he sees this as you discrediting those emotions and words that he felt when you met because you pretend with others that the event doesn’t exist.
I think you pretty much know you’re the one who messed up by lying, so making it right would mean being honest and asking your partner how he feels about things beforehand moving forward.” chloeniccole
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, I met my now-husband online as well and was at first embarrassed to say it to some family members. Though obviously, he feels bad about it, and it makes sense why to me.
I think you should tell your friends that you lied, and explain you feel guilty about it now but just want them to know and explain you are not ashamed of it. It will be better for you and him, and I bet your friends will appreciate the candor.” Myrania
Another User Comments:
“Hmmm, I’m gonna say very mild YTJ. Maybe you should have spoken with him before lying to your friends about something that involved both of you.
But I don’t think it should really be a big deal, especially after you reassured him that you were embarrassed about how you met rather than embarrassed about him. I did something very similar- my parents think I met my partner at a university lecture but we actually met in a club. I don’t think it’s a big deal but I guess I can see why your partner would’ve appreciated you talking to him about it beforehand.” YogaKF
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it should’ve been something you discussed with him first (seriously, not jokingly) before just saying it, obviously it meant quite a bit to him.
Also, as someone else living in NZ, literally E V E R Y O N E here uses the internet. My cousin married the dude she met off the internet & now has a 3-year-old son. most people here also would not care about you meeting a guy online & honestly if they did judge you, they’d probably judge you for a lot of other stuff & not worth the friendships.” fluffy2monster
1. AITJ For Mentioning That I Didn't Tip On A Hike?
“A long-time friend of mine and I went hiking today. During the hike, I mentioned that I had a bad experience with a grocery delivery service this week. I normally tip the shoppers well. However, on my last order, they were 30 minutes late, I was missing an item and my refrigerated/frozen perishable items were warm. Obviously, this upset me and I decided to not tip because I didn’t feel like it was right for me to tip for bad service.
As I was telling my friend this during the hike, she started getting upset at me for not tipping and questioning things like how bad did I need the missing item or why was that big of a deal for my order to be so late. I answered her questions but she was not satisfied and kept trying to get the last word in and called me harsh for not tipping.
I told her I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, but she kept bickering about it and finally I told her if she really felt that strongly about it, she could Venmo me and I’d use that to tip the person. She was silent for a bit and then out of nowhere said she was going home, turned around, and walked away, leaving me on the hiking trail.
Am I the jerk here? I feel like there are some cases where not tipping is justified and this is one of them. It’s not like I’m normally a bad tipper. I also don’t think my decision that had nothing to do with her is a normal reason to ditch your friend while you’re hiking.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s not like tipping the waitstaff at a restaurant, which I believe you should always do unless they are intentionally mean because it’s most of their pay.
Those delivery apps have options for the shopper to notify you if an item is missing or they will be late, so there’s really no excuse. If they got caught in traffic from an accident or something, I’d cut them some slack and still tip.
My best guess for your friend’s reaction is that she has worked in a job where you rely on tips, so it made her angry, thinking back to people that did not tip her.” nick2987c
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
My guess is you’ll get responses mostly agreeing with you that you don’t have to tip if you felt the service was inadequate. I’m more on the side of your friend in that I always tip regardless because the tipping system is ridiculous on principle anyway and should be eliminated, but until it is I acknowledge tips are peoples livelihood and you’d have to do something pretty egregious for me not to give at least 15%.
What you described doesn’t seem like anything beyond the risk you take when you don’t shop for yourself. They refund you for missing items and 30 minutes isn’t a long wait considering it’s probably because the shopper is taking multiple deliveries because they need the money.
Unfortunately, these people’s income is subject to your personal preference on what you consider deserving of payment. You’ll shortly be affirmed in your decision because people really like having that power over others and feel entitled to perfect service even if you can safely reason the shopper was overwhelmed by orders and could have been delayed by external factors, but your friend thinks you’re a jerk and I think she’s got a valid argument.” Unlikely_Cap_7168
Another User Comments:
“The reason she reacted this way is because of empathy.
You saw a person being negligent at their job. She saw someone who was doing their very best during a health crisis. She put herself in that person’s shoes. She has likely worked a minimum/low wage job and knows how physically demanding and mentally exhausting they are. She likely also remembers how unfair and cruel the expectations can be. She remembers what it’s like to learn a new job, and the mistakes she has made.
She heard your story and your lack of empathy, that you decided to hurt someone rather than understand them, and she thinks much less of you now.
Personally? I never not tip. I’ll tip a smaller amount if I am truly wronged, but never zero. That is the ultimate insult. At best, you felt entitled to their labor. We owe each other some dignity. They still labored for you, whether it was exemplary or not.
So I’m inclined to say YTJ. How you treat service people always reveals a lot about you, and your friend was educated today.” Still_Association
Another User Comments:
“Info: was this one of those services where the delivery person also does the shopping or does the store/one person do the shopping, and a separate person delivers it?
Tbh, YTJ in either case, but the degree of jerkness depends on the scenario.
If it’s the latter and the person who delivered is not the person who shopped it, you’re a pretty big jerk. Maybe they should have better-checked things, but the reality is that with this type of ‘gig’ hustle that a lot of folks are forced into, they need to piggyback orders in order to earn enough for anything other than the gas they use making their deliveries, and they don’t have time to check things.
Maybe that’s not the way it should be, but that’s a much bigger conversation above our pay grade, and you need to understand that’s the way it is.
If it’s the former, and the person who delivered was the person who shopped it, you’re less of a jerk, but still a jerk nonetheless. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has an off day. This person still spent their time getting your groceries and delivering them.
It was still a net benefit to you – you were willing to pay the delivery fee, convenience fee, AND a tip on top of that because you decided that the net benefit of not having to spend your own time shopping during a health crisis was worth the cost to you. I could understand deducting a part of the tip because of course it’s obnoxious when they forget something.
But it’s not the end of the world. Unless it was like insulin or heart medication, I promise, you’ll live. But, you essentially still got all the time and effort this person put forth for free because you’re unhappy and SOMEONE must be punished! Question: what would you have done had you spent your own time shopping, and the store was out of those items? Would you have demanded a discount? Complained to corporate?
Chalk up that which you can to honest mistakes/confusion and not malice – that will probably help you to get out of most situations where you feel you’ve been ‘wronged.’ And if you still need to exact some kind of ‘punishment,’ then make it proportional to the crime. Sounds like you got the vast majority of your order, so there was no need for the delivery person to not get the entire tip.” Lonely_Crazy_3841
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