People Want Us To Confirm If They Were A Jerk In These Situations
16. AITJ For Telling My Sister She Needs To Move On From Her Deceased Partner?
“My sister Kate (26) and I (31f) don’t really get along anymore.
My family has always been religious, but Kate has been an atheist for 10 years. I still love her, but it causes conflict and has made her distant from us.
Kate had this partner for a while, he was her first partner, but she was his 5th partner or something. I guess he was nice enough, but he did go to prison a few years ago.
They went to the same school but he’s a few years older so they met through mutual friends. She moved with him to London when she finished school and spent a few years wasting her life in Europe with him, partying. They moved back home 3 years ago and he started going to university and seemed to be getting responsible, but he never proposed to her.
He said he didn’t want to get married until he was at least 30 because his parents went through a messy divorce that apparently affected him. I didn’t think that was a good enough reason and explained to him about my family’s beliefs and why marriage was so important to us. He said he wasn’t going to argue with me about it but I didn’t want to hear it.
He ended up dying a few weeks ago, apparently, he had a seizure and stopped breathing during or after it. He randomly started having seizures a couple of years ago, like massive blackout jerking foaming at the mouth turning blue seizures. I am certain his drinking/substance problem was the cause of these. Kate swears he stopped drinking as soon as he was diagnosed with epilepsy, but addicts don’t give up that easily.
Anyway, it’s sad that he died so young, but it was partially his fault. We (as in my husband and I) weren’t particularly close with him so I didn’t see the need to go to his funeral. I felt like we would be crashing it.
Kate is being really silly about this whole thing.
She won’t sleep in her room anymore because he died in her room and she found his body and has been sleeping in our parents’ bedroom. From my understanding, she is upset with me because my husband and I sleep in the next room and we didn’t hear anything. I didn’t even know he was in her room.
She says his death could’ve been prevented if someone had heard him, as his seizures were always very loud but we didn’t hear him at all.
I think this is all a good thing, now she isn’t tied down in a relationship that was going nowhere, and she is free to find a man who will want to marry her!
But when I suggested that she come to church with us to meet some of our lovely young men who attend, she burst into tears and hasn’t spoken to me since. My mother said that her grief is too fresh to think about seeing other people just yet, but my husband agrees with me and says that Kate needs to meet someone so she won’t feel so lonely.
I don’t know how to approach her again about this, I don’t want to upset her further, and I don’t want to drive a further wedge into our relationship. I don’t think I said anything wrong. But I think I need an outsider’s perspective. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re a terrible sister, and you don’t seem to carry the religious values you speak of.
It’s DEATH. Someone close to your sister DIED! Have some sympathy for Pete’s sake.
FYI marriage doesn’t give people meaning and purpose. It’s just one aspect of a well-rounded life. It’s not right for everyone. As long as she was happy, that’s all that should have mattered.
She will heal (no thanks to you).
She will recover from his death eventually (despite having a crappy sister). It hasn’t been very long, and there MUST be trauma associated with her loved one dying in her bed and her finding the body. That’s a given. Give her time to grieve. This man didn’t matter to YOU, but he mattered to HER.
You don’t get to dictate how she processes his death.
Sorry to say, but you are the type of person that makes others critical of religion. Why aren’t people more religious these days? Because we prefer to be good humans who are nice to each other and care about each other, and we see religious people like you acting like THIS!
(No, not all religious people are like this. I just…want to point out that people like you give religion a bad name when it really should be a good thing.)” Complex_Ad8174
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I don’t even know how to properly express my anger toward many of the things you said here, so I will leave it at this.
I had a friend with epilepsy who died because of the lack of oxygen to her brain during a seizure. She didn’t drink or do substances. It’s been three years and I still find myself missing her.
Grief doesn’t go away because you want it to and it is a very big burden to carry.
Having someone you care deeply for die unexpectedly, is the hardest death anyone will ever face. And for you to be happy about the death and push your sister to find someone else to go out with after a couple of weeks of the person’s passing, is heartless. Leave her alone and let her heal in her own time.” SheWhoShallBeCalledD
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. SO, SO MUCH.
You need to take your judgemental head out of your butt and understand that just because some of her life choices were different doesn’t mean that her attachment to her chosen partner was any less real, less strong, or less valid than yours.
And then you need to think about how you’d feel if your husband died suddenly, regardless of the cause, and whether it would help you in any way AT ALL if someone said within weeks that now he was gone you could find a proper partner instead of the sanctimonious jerk you ended up with.
And then you need to double or triple up those feelings because it’s worse when it comes from your own sister.
And no, epilepsy isn’t caused by substance use or drinking. You just need to shut the heck up about that and do some learning. My best friend died in front of me from epilepsy and it is absolutely NOT a punishment for lifestyle.
And even if it was, your views on what addicts do or don’t do are based on nothing but myth and nonsense. You clearly haven’t troubled to actually talk to any, read any papers on the subject, or understand the difference between somebody who enjoys drinking and somebody who has a drinking problem. Nope, you’re sure you’re right about all of this and that the doctors dealing with his condition are wrong.
Even though they spent years learning about this stuff and becoming specialists, while you have just made it up based on rumors or imagination.
When you’ve thought over and digested all of that, you also need to understand that you are being deeply unkind to someone you’re supposed to care about. Why would your sister want to go to church with you, if you’re the kind of people that church turns out?
Members of most religions are supposed to be compassionate, forgiving, and gentle, and support their family and community. You’re being hard, cold, judgemental, selfish, and mean. And you can’t even see it.
Go apologize to her, and talk to yourself sternly about the qualities a member of your religion is supposed to show to others in times of trouble.” redcore4
15. AITJ For Telling My Friend That They Can't Do Laundry At My House Anymore?
I have a best friend, who I’ve been friends with for 20+ years. Super nice girl, love her to death.
She is so nice and I don’t ever want to hurt her feelings, so I feel awful for having to ask her to please make plans to do her laundry elsewhere.
Basically, she asked me about a year ago if she could come and do her laundry at my house.
Thinking it would be a short-time thing, I said it was fine and that she was welcome to anytime. Even gave her the code to our house, in case we aren’t home. Initially, didn’t think it would be a problem.
Nowwww. A year later, and I dread her visits. I love her to death, but I no longer have the patience for her to be at my house all day long when she does laundry.
I’m talking she will come at 9:30-10 am, lounge around the house and just be here until 5-6 pm. It’s bad enough that sometimes I will make up an excuse and take my toddler and leave for the day, just to get away from her. Because she will sit and drown on about her partner for a solid 6-8 hours and not even ask me a single question.
Just talking to talk, and about herself mainly.
Add to this, I am now currently 9 months pregnant, and due any day.
After she texted me this morning and said she’d be coming over to do laundry (it’s gotten to the point where she does not even ask anymore, she just lets me know when she’s coming and lets herself in) I finally had enough after another day where I had to leave my own house to escape her being there sitting around doing her laundry.
I know it sounds really mean, but I just am very much an introvert and I value my alone time I think at this late in my pregnancy, I just want to be at the house by myself with my toddler and husband.
My husband has also been increasingly annoyed with her presence and feels uncomfortable in his own house when she is here because she just stays all day long, lounging around.
And kind of expects to be served as I make her lunch and tea and clean all the dishes afterward, etc. She does not offer to do anything.
So basically, today, I told her that it was the last day that she could do her laundry at our house because once I have the new baby, I’m not going to have visitors for a few months.
She was a bit offended and kind of pushed as to why she couldn’t continue doing her laundry here and I just had to say that I wanted alone time with the baby.
So I feel very guilty and I just wanted to ask…AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She doesn’t “come to do laundry;” she comes to stay all day, vent, and be served meals.
She doesn’t lift a finger to help, and you’re pregnant.
You’re not her therapist or maid. If she were getting in, laundering, and getting out that would be one thing. Maybe bringing an occasional pizza? Lending a hand?
But she’s not. It’s been over a year now. The laundromat won’t kill her, and she’ll find people there who haven’t heard her stories.
You don’t need another person to take care of, postpartum is hard enough. It takes a miracle to get a nap. There’s nothing wrong with wanting some privacy in your own house. Plus: No germs on the baby.
Blame the pediatrician, or the husband if you must. CHANGE the CODE.” Abject-Technician558
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You did a very nice thing, but your friend has taken huge advantage of that kindness. There is no way it should take a day to do laundry. If a friend had been so kind to do that for me, I would have tried to keep it to two washing loads, maybe three. My washing machine can do each load in about 45 mins or so, I would hope I could get the washing done by lunchtime and probably would have bought something for lunch as a thank you.” KarenMaca
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and let this be a lesson to you: talk to people sooner before things get out of hand. Letting this go on so long has not only been a major problem for your own time and space, it has damaged your relationship with your friend. You are going to need to be able to sometimes advocate for your kids so best to start learning now how to communicate around concerns.
I can totally imagine your friend thinking you meant it when you said sure, you can do your laundry here anytime, giving her your code, never saying that it was inconvenient in any way. She probably thought it was also a lovely way to spend time together. She had no idea of the resentment the situation created.
So learn from this and try harder to talk more directly to people in the future. Start small since I know it can be hard but you can practice and get there!
And yes definitely change that code.” Whatnot1785
14. AITJ For Telling My Friend To Stop Treating Her Pets Like Her Children?
“My friend has always been very against the idea of having children. I support her 100%. I have 2 days a month that I set aside for her to catch up without the kids around. We also catch up with my kids and her dogs around but usually at like a park so my kids can play on the playground and her dogs can run around the oval.
She has embraced her pets as her kids and buys them Christmas gifts, posts about her pets on social media saying they’re her kids. Whenever someone makes a post about their kids doing something fun or silly she comments that she knows all about how silly kids could be, her kids are so funny and silly.
Everyone goes along with it because we all figure that she’s happy and that’s all that matters.
The problem however came up when my husband and I planned to host a lunchtime birthday party for our oldest son. I called her to invite her, and she informed me she was bringing her dogs to the event and I told her that she knows my oldest son is scared of dogs so I’d appreciate it if she left her dogs at home or maybe left them at her mother’s house for the day.
She was outraged. She said that I was being unreasonable by expecting her to leave her babies at home. That I should know you can’t leave kids at home, it’s negligent and irresponsible. She kept harping on about how irrational I was to suggest she leaves her babies at home. I told her it was my son’s birthday and he didn’t need to feel scared all day because of her dogs.
She said she will just bring them and leave them in my house, I said no. She then started up again about leaving her babies at home again and I snapped. I told her that she can leave them at home for an hour or two on their own and she wouldn’t be considered negligent.
She told me that you can’t leave kids at home alone and I told her to stop it, they’re not children, they’re dogs. Either leave them at home or don’t come.
She told me I was being a selfish cow and I didn’t understand how important it is for her to be with her babies and hung up.
Within about half an hour I had mixed messages from our mutual friends.
Some were agreeing with me and saying they were fed up with her treating her pets as kids and going so overboard.
The others were saying that I needed to be respectful of her choices and allow her to treat her pets however she wants.
I’m so conflicted.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I say this as a child-free dog owner. Your friend needs psychological help. This has gone past the point of what’s healthy for her and the dogs. I have a dog that trained himself to listen to my mom’s heartbeat and alerted me when it got too low so I could call paramedics.
Mom wound up with a pacemaker and the doctors said he added 5 to 10 years to my mom’s life. That was 5 years ago, I still have mom, and I love that dog, but he’s still a dog. He happily stays home when we go out.
Children take priority. Your son has to come first. I’m telling you that dog would not be happy at a party with a bunch of screaming and excited kids.
The dog would rather be home. For the well-being of your children, you may have to distance yourself from this friend. She’s the kind of dog owner that make good dog owners cringe. Her dogs aren’t trained properly, and someday, someone will get hurt.
Please don’t back down. People catering to her attitude is part of the reason she’s fallen so far down this rabbit hole.
She needs a wake-up call to get the help she needs. People need to set healthy boundaries with her so that she has limits. Oh and a reasonable response to her unreasonable behavior…
You made the decision to be child-free, and we accepted that as your right. I have made the decision to be dog-free, and that is also my right.” MaryAnne0601
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I get loving your pets, my cat means everything to me; she is like my child. But you are right, animals aren’t kids! Does she take the dogs everywhere she goes? What if she needs to do something where dogs aren’t allowed in? Does she expect them to bend the rules for her because she considers them her kids?
How does she work if she refuses to leave them alone? Does she work from home? This behavior is worrisome because eventually something is gonna happen where her dogs are not allowed, or someone is gonna make fun of her, or really come at her hard with how animals aren’t humans.
It would probably annoy me as well if I had a friend that did that as well.
People have fears and allergies to animals. You can’t just bring a dog to a place where you know it will affect someone just because you love them.
She’ll have to accept the truth sooner or later that her dogs are not actual human beings.” Chocolatelover4ever
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If this is true and not a troll post – then this woman is IMO having mental issues.
I don’t mean this in a meanspirited way: there’s no issue when someone calls their pets “my babies” or organizes b-day parties for them, I think that’s cute and quirky. But she is experiencing something different here, it sounds like she actually thinks they are her kids. Like, she doesn’t see the difference, like she’s delusional. The fact that she feels the need to inject her pets into discussions about actual human kids on social media to me shows that she’s 1.
not actually happy, and 2. experiencing some kind of distress here that she’s trying to remedy with this behavior.
Your refusal to treat the dogs like children is upsetting her because it’s always upsetting when one’s delusions are being challenged. But it’s absolutely not your job to play along, and I actually think it would be detrimental to her health if people did that.
Dunno I just think she has a serious issue and needs help at this point.” LadyKlepsydra
13. AITJ For Not Allowing My Father's Wife To Sit At The Main Table At My Wedding?
“For context I’m greek. In Greece, on our wedding day at the main table, it’s the couple, our own “versions” of best man and maid of honor and sometimes their partners if they’re in a serious relationship or engaged/married, and the couples’ parents.
My father and my mom have been divorced for the past 10 years. 4 years ago, my father met my stepmom, and they got married two years ago. Generally, we have a good relationship, but we are not that close. We meet each other on occasions such as family gatherings on holidays and birthdays but nothing too crazy.
Now our venue only allows 10 people at the main “bridal” table.
My maid of honor has been in a serious relationship with her partner for 6 years. My fiancé’s best man is engaged to his fiancée. So let’s get this straight.
My fiancé and me – 2 people + my fiancé’s parents – 2 people + my parents – 2 people + my maid of honor and her partner – 2 people + our best man and his fiancée – 2 people.
10 in total.
When I said that to my dad, he didn’t like it. He said it’s completely disrespectful of us to exclude his legal wife and sideline her like this as if she’s not part of the family and told me it’s disrespectful to dismiss their marriage like that. I said that it’s not what I’m trying to do.
I just have limitations because the venue has a 10 people limit for the table. There’s nothing I can do about it. He told me to convince them to at least add another person and we’d sit a bit tighter for my stepmom to fit in. They declined and I also didn’t like the idea of us having to squeeze.
My stepmom then reached out to me and told me if it was possible to remove my maid of honor’s partner since they’re not married and put her instead at the table. I said I’m not doing that because it would be unfair for the best man to have his fiancé but for my moh not to have her partner and discriminate against her because she’s not engaged or married.
My father has been mad at me over this and so has my stepmom and they accuse me of valuing my MOH and her partner over my dad’s feelings and his legal wife. My dad’s side of the family claims I’m being disrespectful to my dad’s wife and disrespecting family values and they also blame my mom for this despite the fact that my mom didn’t get involved at all.
Is there any way I could have been the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. For those who haven’t attended any Greek weddings, the best man and the moh have a huge role to play, not only in the ceremony but in the couple’s future life as well. It’s a bond for life, even if you divorce.
In past decades, “insulting” them in any way would be a major faux Pas, and some of that still survives. Even by the typical etiquette, I’d say that honoring these two by sitting their partners takes priority above your stepmom, especially since your mother’s partner won’t be at the table either.
Besides, everyone knows that you all will be switching places and going around the tables and dancing most of the time.
If your father wants to make it an issue, that’s his choice.” crazy_marmelade
Another User Comments:
“I’m sorry, but I think YTJ in this situation. In your own post, you say that the MOH/Best Man are seated with their partners sometimes, which suggests that they’d be aware of the possibility that their partners won’t be seated with them.
Have you even asked your MOH if she’d be offended by having her partner sit elsewhere? I might be old-fashioned but I think it’s super disrespectful to separate married couples (particularly when one of those couples includes your dad!) and I think it’s equally disrespectful to suggest demoting your dad from the head table because you’re unwilling to accommodate his wife.
Personally, if I were in your shoes, I would likely prioritize my parents and both of their partners and have the MOH/Best Man sit with their partners at the closest table nearby if I couldn’t seat them all comfortably. Yes, it’s your wedding and you can handle this however you want but your approach doesn’t sit right with me.” pudgesquire
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I am also Greek and dreading my wedding for this reason exactly. My mom and dad have been separated since I was very young, and have both moved on and married other people. I wouldn’t ever put their current partners at the head table as they aren’t my parents. Neither of them raised me or contributed to my formative years and I feel like that is what the head table is supposed to represent – the union of your and your partner’s lives.
It would be a different story if a step-parent brought you up from a young age, but in this instance, you’re NTJ in any way. Greeks are stubborn as heck, and you’ve got that stubbornness in you too – use it! It’s your wedding and you should feel comfortable with your head table. Your dad’s wife can suck it up.” queenevo
12. AITJ For Dropping Off My Partner's Friend At A Homeless Shelter?
“My fiancé (27M) and I (27F) were long-distance while he rode out the rest of his lease in another city. One of his friends (27M) from back home was down on his luck, so he offered to let his friend move in with him for the last 6 months of his lease to share some living expenses.
About 6 weeks into their new arrangement, my fiancé had a medical episode that left him unable to drive for 6 months. Since he lived in an area that was very car-dependent and I didn’t, we decided to break my fiancé’s lease and have him move in with me. We decided to give him 3 weeks to settle his affairs in his city.
We recognized that this was a crappy situation for the friend, so we offered to either A) help him find his own place in that city, B) let him sleep on my couch for a few weeks while we help him find his own place in my city, or C) help him move back to his hometown.
He chose option B. We agreed that he could sleep on my couch for 3 weeks, which would allow him 6 weeks to find his own place.
Once the boys moved in with me, I spent most of my free time trying to help the friend look for places. Meanwhile, the friend sat around and did absolutely nothing except:
- not bathing/showering
- not brushing his teeth
- watching TV loudly until 3 am when he knew I had to be up for work at 6 am
- keeping his stanky laundry in a pile on my living room floor
- not making any effort to find his own place
- losing his job
- getting caught in countless lies
- secretly quitting his mental health meds cold turkey
- and much more
A couple of days before the end of his couch time, he texted my fiancé and me saying goodbye and that he was just going to go live behind a dumpster. This managed to guilt trip my fiancé into giving him more time. I warned the friend that he had two more weeks then he was out.
Those two weeks pass and it’s more of the same and I’m at my wit’s end. My fiancé and I decided we couldn’t do any more to help, so we looked into shelters in our area that were better equipped for the job. We found a nice shelter for homeless men that had a mental health support team and a job placement program.
At the end of the two-week extension, we told him to pack a bag, then we dropped him off at the homeless shelter. My fiancé felt (and still feels) guilty about it. I don’t feel one ounce of remorse and I wish I would’ve dropped him at the shelter sooner.
When all was said and done, the friend never ended up contributing a cent towards any expenses from the time he moved in with my fiancé until the time we dropped him off at the shelter.
For 14 weeks, my fiancé and I paid for all his food, transportation, lodging, utilities, and entertainment.
So, AITJ for dropping off my fiancé’s friend at a homeless shelter?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sure he is going through something mentally, but it sounds like he had zero plans in doing anything to make his situation better and/or didn’t seem to have any issues leeching off of others.
He would’ve stayed in your home for as long as possible until you and your fiancé finally told him to leave. You were very kind in locating a place that not only would prevent him from “sleeping behind a dumpster”, but would get him back on track with his mental health needs – something he likely wouldn’t have been able to do on his own.
Hopefully, this friend will see this as a wake-up call to how he is currently handling things and gives him the opportunity to better his life.” TypicalHall1811
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I was 18 when I was kicked out of the house by my mother’s friend (we lived with another family whose name was on the lease, I was 9 and 10 years older than my two siblings and they’d have been kicked out too if my mother argued).
I tried sleeping outside and scrounging for food for my first two days on my own.
The cold kept me awake, and exhaustion set in. I found the Rescue Mission and was given a bed, had food, and facilities to shower in.
I worked any job that came through, but no one wanted me long-term.
So I enlisted in the Army. If it hadn’t been for the shelter, I may have never climbed back out of my situation. That may have been the best thing you guys could have done for him. Hopefully, he will make use of any available program they have to offer.
I am now 40, work full time at a hardware store, am married, and live in the house her family has had for four generations now.
It is a stepping stone. ~He~ needs to take the rest of the steps on his own.” Dyerdon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Together, you two gave him two chances to make his life better, and he made the choices, day after day, to do nothing. He had the chance in the city, and again at your place.
If you had let him stay in your place, he would not have gotten the help he needed. The help he needs is more than it’s possible for you two to give him. He needed expert help. You two would have been enabling his fall, not helping, by letting him stay longer.
You went out and found a place that would help him.
You actually were amazing, in what you did for this friend. That’s a third chance that you gave him, and it seems to have worked out for him. It’s up to him, now.
If the friend blames either of you, then he needs some therapy to understand that it’s not your fault that he couldn’t stay with you longer, but it was a “tough love,” the love that wanted the best for him, not to allow him to drift and avoid his responsibilities.
You all did plenty, more than many people would have done.” blueberryyogurtcup
11. AITJ For Threatening To Forbid My Mom From Attending My Dad's Funeral?
“My mom and my wife have a turbulent relationship. They used to have a normal in-law relationship, but after my son was born everything changed. My mom began acting very bitter toward my wife and I refuse to speak to my mom unless necessary.
On the flip side, my dad loved my wife. She was the “daughter that he never had,” and anyone could tell the love that they had for each other. My dad was never hostile to her or my son and it was always sweet to watch them interact. My parents stayed in different houses.
My dad passed away in his home at night.
My wife was the one who tragically found him the next morning. This has affected her in unimaginable ways and she has started seeing a counselor.
I have begun to see my family and my mom more as we begin to plan for the funeral. My brother and I are paying for the funeral (and most of the other costs).
My mom has become almost the matriarch of the family and wants to dictate everything, irrespective of our budget. She’s become more overbearing.
My mom has also been horrible to my wife. She blames her for his death and accuses her of the cruelest things. It has made the grieving process 10x worse and it’s sickening to get blamed for someone’s (with a history of illness) death.
I always tell her off, and on a few occasions, my brother and other members of my family have told her to shut up. She makes everyone uncomfortable.
My mom invited my wife and me for a casual lunch at her house. Most of my family would be there. Within minutes of us entering the door, my mom made a comment about how my wife looked too “dolled up,” and was clearly only here to “make an appearance.” (she was trying to say that my wife only showed up to garner sympathy and did not actually care about my late father.)
After hearing that, I almost lost it.
I told my mom that I was close to disallowing her from attending the funeral altogether if she can’t refrain from making a mean comment about my wife for one second. Then, I left.
I got a few texts from my brother telling me that they understand, but I shouldn’t “ban” my mom from coming because she’s also grieving.
Apparently, she started crying over her “horrible son and selfish daughter-in-law” that it took 3 people to calm her down.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I don’t think you have the moral high ground to ban your Mom from your father, her husband’s funeral. You didn’t say anything in your post about the status of your mom and father’s relationship or what caused them to stay in separate houses OP.
From the way it came off in your post, it sounded like they were both physically and emotionally separate and apart from each other. That being said, even if we’re correct in assuming your Mom wasn’t in love with your Father anymore, and not with him that still doesn’t mean she’s not allowed to grieve his loss at his funeral.
However, her grieving the loss of her husband is in no way an excuse for her to lash out in such a cruel and heartless manner as she has to your wife. Who the heck blames someone for someone else’s death like your mom has? Also, she’s got some nerve in inviting you and your wife over for a casual lunch with other family members and then instigating a confrontation by insulting your wife and making her out to be some manipulative narcissist. The way I see this entire chain of events playing out OP is that you should allow her to go to the funeral, but do not let her have any say in the preparations considering she’s not paying for any of it.
Also, if she starts picking fights with your wife, then at that point you have the moral right to kick her butt out. There’s no bigger social screwup when it comes to funerals than picking fights with family members at the actual funeral, and no one in their right mind would blame or argue with you for kicking your Mom out if it came to that.” desolation29
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Let your mother attend the funeral but only that. Do not let her be a part of any planning. Have a very serious conversation with her and your brother about her behavior at the funeral and that if she steps out of line even a micrometer, security will remove her immediately and she will not be allowed to participate in anything else.
Did your father have a will? If so, he may have left instructions for his funeral arrangements in it.
After the funeral and the estate has been settled, go low contact with her and put her on a permanent information diet. Your wife does not need someone so disrespectful towards her in her life. If you still want a relationship with your mother, then only you spend time with her.
Keep your nuclear family as far away from your mother as you possibly can. This means, no holidays with her, no vacations, and special events considered on a per-event basis.
The bottom line, keep your mother as far away from your wife and any children you may have, as humanly possible. The instant your mother starts something, grab your wife and children and leave.
Do not interact, just leave.
So sorry you have such a toxic individual as your mother in your life.” Thisisnotalibrary97
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents haven’t been together for decades. We had to throw my sister out of a funeral because she wanted to use it to settle every family argument ever. You don’t want to end up in that situation.
Sounds like your mom isn’t able to put her feelings aside long enough to allow a celebration of your father. It’s obviously up to you and your brother, but if you do let her attend and she makes a scene, have someone pull her out of there immediately.” VogUnicornHunter
10. AITJ For Skipping My Sister-In-Law's Bridal Shower To Celebrate My Wedding Anniversary?
Priorities.
“A little backstory: my sister-in-law has been coddled her whole life and as a result, as an adult, is extremely self-centered. Her parents still spoil her (the baby and the only girl), and she is 31 years old.
In her world, it’s all about her, but in my mother-in-law and father-in-law’s world, it’s all about her too.
Despite being hurt many times in the past because of this behavior, we had gotten closer when my husband and I moved away from the area. She checked in on us regularly which I really appreciated, and I reciprocated. We often talked about the things she was going through.
Most of these conversations centered around her (rocky) relationships. She got engaged while we were away.
When we moved back, she asked me to be her bridesmaid. She did so in a big room full of people, and I felt obligated to say yes, but I did also feel very touched that she asked me to be her bridesmaid.
Until, inevitability, the same old self-centered behavior crept back in. This is her second wedding, but she expected her bridesmaids to throw her a huge bachelorette, and she is having two showers. I contributed financially to the bachelorette but was unable to attend. Her other bridesmaids are starting to get a little sick of the extravagance of the whole thing and all the events they are expected to attend.
So this brings me to the question at hand. She and my mother-in-law planned her bridal shower on the day of my husband’s and my’s wedding anniversary. They didn’t ask how we felt about it, just informed us and invited us to the social media group. I believe this was because it was to accommodate her maid of honor being there.
My husband and I strongly feel that we should spend the day celebrating our own marriage rather than her upcoming nuptials. But when I quickly let my mother-in-law know that we would have anniversary plans, she acted disappointed and has been short about it. It turns out that between my husband and my schedule, this is the only weekend we will be able to do anything in the next few weeks.
Now, the maid of honor has family obligations and might not be able to make it to the bridal shower and my sister-in-law is getting upset.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I went through this exact thing. BIL was getting married and they planned his fiancée’s shower on the day of our anniversary. I mean, that’s okay; I didn’t expect them to plan around me or anything.
But we had reservations and plans already made, so I regretfully declined and sent a very nice gift off her registry. Apparently, this made me a total jerk in her and her mom’s view.
You can’t make other people happy sometimes no matter what you do. Be honest, be genuine, be kind, be considerate, but also be mindful of yourself.
Invitations can always be declined. You’re doing nothing wrong.” dianoraditigana
Another User Comments:
“I’m ready for the downvotes but here goes: I say YTJ. You’re a bridesmaid. It’s her bridal shower. This is your 7th anniversary, not a milestone one. I wanted all my bridesmaids to be there at my shower and Bach.
Obviously, a few couldn’t attend for legitimate reasons (work, sick, school). No problem at all!
But if one told me it’s their anniversary so they can’t come to my shower, I’d be upset. Showers are usually during the day. You can still go and celebrate with a nice dinner later.
Question – are you going to the second shower?
If so, then I change my answer to NTJ because two showers are annoying (I was a bridesmaid in a wedding with two showers though, and I attended both).” GameShowFanatic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, tell her how important weddings, family, and commitments are to you and your husband. You fully embrace celebrations of weddings and anniversaries, which is why you are celebrating your anniversary and intend to fully support celebrating her upcoming wedding on the day.
You intended to attend the bachelorette and intended to attend the shower, but it didn’t work out, and you can’t wait to meet up with her at the next wedding function (there’s always at least one more before the wedding, even if it’s the rehearsal).” Accomplished_Ruin_25
9. AITJ For Not Wanting To Adopt My Siblings?
“My (34F) parents had me when they were teenagers. And they only had my other brothers when I had already left home (13M, 11M, and 8M).
I believe I was a fraternal figure present for my younger brothers as much as possible, but when the oldest was born, I was already in college living alone.
It was taking care of them on my vacation time that I realized that I would never have children.
When I turned 27, I received a job offer in another country and I stayed there until the beginning of this year, having to return to the country because my mother died (my father died a few years back – I came back, but I could only stay 3 weeks in my country).
I had to take a break and ask for leave (I asked for a lot of vacations in advance) because I had to deal with my mother’s inventory and I was the only representative of my brothers.
Everything is on track, my mother facilitated many things before she passed away and I was living in an apartment, while my brothers lived with this aunt of mine.
I spoke to the social worker who considered me returning to my country a bad idea for them because my brothers don’t know the language (non-Latin) of the country and that would be a big change in their lives. I said that I did not intend to adopt my brothers because despite having conditions, I work a lot of time away (staying away from home for 2 weeks at least) and moving back, losing a very good job was not an option for me, besides the biggest fact, I don’t want to have kids or be responsible for not 1 but 3 siblings.
And that if someone in my family wants to be responsible, I will help with whatever and I commit myself, on my vacations, to taking care of them during this period, but I don’t intend and don’t want to be responsible.
The social worker understood my side, I talked to my brothers about it, about me not being able to move and they didn’t want to move to another country (the oldest one even has a partner), but that I would never stop visiting when possible and they were well welcome to spend my vacation with me.
They were a little upset, but we managed together (therapy also).
The problem is my aunt who, when she found out, started screaming at me, saying that I’m abandoning my brothers and leaving my responsibility to another relative, how cruel I am to turn my back, etc.
Keep in mind that the person responsible for my siblings will be able to live in a 5bd/4ba house and there will be no financial cost to raise my siblings, as I am willing to pay.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents had the responsibility while they were alive to establish who they wanted to be guardians for their younger children and set up life insurance policies or savings so that there would be enough funds for the boys. It sounds like they have a good-sized house to live in and you will ensure there is enough funding for them to live, but you need someone else to be their caregiver.
That’s totally fine. You are not abandoning them. They can stay in their own home and won’t have to move to a foreign country and learn a new language. You have offered to see them during vacations and stay in touch with them.
There is no benefit to anyone to you giving up your foreign career to move back to your old home.
But it sounds like your Aunt – who is likely in her 50’s – doesn’t have the energy to be a full-time caregiver to three young boys. So you need to arrange more help for her.” Allimack
Another User Comments:
“I think in the circumstances, this is probably the best solution overall because it’s not like you’re completely abandoning them and throwing them to the wolves.
I don’t see how you leaving your job and resentfully raising three kids while potentially broke is a better solution than you continuing to work and financially supporting another willing relative in raising them in comfort and with opportunities while still playing an active part in their lives.
Children need more than just finances to thrive, but they also need more than just love.
It seems like in this case, they are getting the best of both worlds, despite the horrible circumstances.
This needs to be reframed from who gets dumped with the kids into their whole family coming together and each playing a part to provide them the best support. That will provide them more comfort if they realize that they still have so many people working together to look out for them.
Your jerk aunt is thinking only from an emotional standpoint which ultimately means she’d rather see them suffer than see them provided for. They are going to live a long life having lost both parents so young. Financial support, especially in terms of providing education, is going to go a long way towards helping them forge comfortable and fulfilling adult lives.” Dani_0501
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Angry Aunt sounds like she’s jealous that you are living your own life (yes, I’m speculating a lot).
I would say that rather than her view that you are “abandoning” your younger siblings, you are preserving the relationship you already have with them. If you were to become their parent, you’d need to give up not only your job but pretty much anything else you would want to do that doesn’t include them.
This sounds like it would be a drastic change in your life, and it’s the kind of thing that could completely poison your relationship with them. Since there is family willing and competent to step in, you’re making the best decision for the kids as well as yourself. It’s far better than eventually resenting them.” strega42
8. AITJ For Not Allowing My Dad To Walk Me Down The Aisle If He Brings His Partner To My Wedding?
“So my husband 28m and I 26f got married in June of 2020. I don’t have many friends so we decided to travel to Vegas to elope to spare the wedding planning and wedding party stress.
It’s important to note that not a single person I know was in attendance at our wedding. We paid for a witness who was also our photographer.
It was like a wedding and honeymoon in one and we had an amazing week.
The day before the wedding my dad asked to drive to Vegas to give me away as he lives in Arizona and it’s only a 5-hour drive for him (my husband and I along with most of our family live in Michigan).
My parents got divorced when I was 10 and my dad 48m has been largely absent from my life since. He never paid my mother child support and barely called and rarely visited due to his nonpayment and wanting to avoid jail.
My dad has been seeing a woman Kathy since I believe 2017? Somewhere around there as it was close to the year our first son was born.
This woman is a nightmare. Just to list some of the things she’s done
- enables my dad’s addiction and he has since spiraled worse
- told me her kids and grandkids need a dad/papa more than me, my brother, and my children
- according to my brother, she once chased his car down the street when he picked my dad up to stay with him while visiting AZ.
- tried to frame my dad for her son’s death
I honestly could write a novel with the number of awful things this woman has said and done. She’s batcrap crazy in my eyes. I’ve never met her and I don’t ever want to.
I told my dad that he was more than welcome to come and give me away despite everything so long as Kathy did not join him, she heard me as he’s not allowed to talk on the phone without her listening (he has literally had to sneak away to have private phone calls with me) which turned into if Kathy can’t come then he’s not going either.
I told him fine by me. And got married without him.
Fast forward 2 years and my father has still never met my kids and I’m about to give birth to my 4th. I recently asked him to come into town at my expense to welcome his newest grandchild and meet the already living ones.
It turned into a big fight as to how he’s still mad at me for not allowing him to give me away and won’t come into town to visit unless Kathy comes too. No thanks. I told my brother about the situation (I guess he had no idea about the vegas ultimatum).
He says he sees why my dad is mad as I’m his only daughter and thinks I was overreacting for not letting him attend my wedding just because of Kathy though he too can’t stand her.
My dad isn’t speaking to me once again and now I’m left wondering AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your dad wasn’t in your life yet wanted the privilege of giving you away at your wedding? He couldn’t abide by your boundaries so he wasn’t there. Kathy sounds like a lunatic, controlling, and abusive.
I wouldn’t want her anywhere around my family either.
Your father cannot see Kathy for who she really is because he’s in the middle of it. Take care of your family and hopefully, one day your father will come around to his senses.” Ducky818
Another User Comments:
“Wow, NTJ, and you really shouldn’t need to ask.
Kathy is a nightmare and your dad and brother should understand that you don’t need someone that volatile around your children. Since your Dad hasn’t been involved in your life all that much it’s commendable that you are trying to offer him a chance to be a grandparent. Your dad missed a lot of your childhood willingly when Kathy wasn’t in his life.
Is it really that he won’t come because Kathy isn’t welcome or is that an excuse?” Regular_Heron_8914
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I wouldn’t allow someone who has said the things she has, and who does the things she does, in my life either, least of all on a huge day for me that I’d like to be able to think back on fondly.
YOU didn’t marry Kathy and if your dad allows her to control whether or not he sees his kids, gives his only daughter away on her wedding day, or meets his grandchildren, that’s his loss. It’s sad. She’s obviously going pretty hard out of her way to be certain that only her kids and grandchildren HAVE a dad and a papa.
It has definitely gone beyond her believing that her kids and grandchildren “need” one more. She’s demanding it.
Tell us more about how she framed your father for her son’s death. I’m on the edge of my seat.” Affectionate_Salt351
7. AITJ For Being Angry With My Mom For Not Inviting Me To Disney World?
” I’d be hurt too.
“I (27F) have been resenting my mom since I was 16 when I wasn’t invited on a trip to Disney.
For background, it was summer & I had just gotten my first job. My family wasn’t very wealthy, so I was working to have some extra change to help out. My cousin Abe “graduated” from 8th grade. His mom, my aunt Lena, was a single mom & worked a lot, so my mom, Joy, was like another mom to Abe, so he’s like a brother to me.
Lena wanted to do something special for Abe & planned a trip to Disney with my mom’s help. I assumed I was going with, since my sister Claire, 20, kept talking about how excited she was to go back (she had her own trip as her high school grad gift a few years back; I went on that trip).
I began talking with my mom & Lena about how I was excited to go & already requested the time off work. Mom then told me that I wouldn’t be going. I was shocked, but mostly just hurt. Lena said it would just be Joy, Abe, Claire, & herself; if I went, I would “just argue with Abe the whole time” & “it would be an uneven number for the rides.” My mom didn’t really say anything.
I tried asking her, but she used the excuse that I just started a new job & it would look bad. I told her I didn’t care, I’d quit the stupid job if it meant I got to go to Disney. She said not to worry, I’d get my own trip someday.
I told her it wasn’t fair that Claire was going when she was older & had gotten to go on other trips without me, but mom didn’t want to discuss it & I had to drop it, though I was still furious.
They went on the trip without me & had a blast. Nobody saw the issue with me being left home.
After the fact, I didn’t even get a trip after I graduated (mom & dad went bankrupt paying for Claire’s college tuition), and all my savings were going to them so they wouldn’t lose the house.
Now, I’m 27, Abe 25, and Claire 32. I’m married, have a successful career, and went to Disney with my in-laws this year!
However, when visiting my family after my trip, Mom made a comment about how I “finally” got my Disney trip & she wished she could go back. I replied “no thanks to you.” Mom started crying, Dad made me apologize, & Claire & Abe lit me up after hearing what I said. I’m close to both of them, so it hurts that they don’t see how hurt I am.
They told me it’s been over 10 years, to “get over it,” & now I’m just being petty. Since the comment to my mom, our relationship has been struggling & she wants an apology. I don’t think my feelings are unjustified, but I may be the jerk because I refuse & want to hear them tell me it was an awful thing they did to me.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You said your dad already made you apologize. Now, mom wants another one? So she wants you to keep apologizing until she no longer feels guilty about not taking you to Disney.
No. Don’t give in to this mind game. Your mother owes you an apology, and they all know it.
That’s why they told you to get over it.
Look, you’re married. You’ve got a great man, you love your in-laws, and you have a great career. Do you need this crap from your family?
I say step back. Wait for an apology. Ignore/hang up on every call that isn’t an apology. Take deep breaths and focus on what all you have to be grateful for.” TheQuietType84
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s easy for them to tell you to get over it when they were never the ones hurt.
You really need to wake up to just how toxic your family is. They essentially treat you like Cinderella, making you miss all the fun stuff and making you financially support them while your sister and cousin get everything handed to them then they all gaslight you into thinking you’re somehow in the wrong.
You need to go completely no contact with them while you get therapy to start recognizing and undoing the damage they’ve done to you.” ProfPlumDidIt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My mom wasn’t the best when I was growing up. I didn’t have a terrible childhood, but she was very absent. When I became an adult we were able to connect more, but after she got remarried I think she thought she had a chance for a do-over because he had young kids.
She took the kids to the zoo and never thought of inviting me. I had been trying to get a hold of her for three days and she didn’t even let me know she’d be out of town. I’ve been salty over it for the last 20 years.” angrybluecrayon
6. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Mom Move Into My Rental?
“I 28F was lucky enough to have some help from my awesome paternal grandparents to buy a house when I was very young.
I paid them back but likely wouldn’t have been able to afford a home for a decade or more without their help. Because they helped, and because they are easygoing and respectful, I ended up building a granny flat on the back of my property for my grandparents to live in when my grandma got sick.
My mom was really upset that I didn’t offer it to her, but I could never live near her, especially on the same property. For backstory, my mom and I have a rocky relationship, my grandparents did a lot of the raising me, and as an adult, she doesn’t respect any of my boundaries, especially since I don’t want to spend all week, or even a day every week, with her.
My whole life, she’s always been going out with awful guys who end up being addicts or violent. She goes for these guys because they are bad boys or because they have money.
A couple of years ago, her partner at the time (who had just gotten out of jail) trashed the house she was renting, tens of thousands of bucks worth of damage.
It’s still a never-ending cycle of awful guys she moves in with her after a few weeks of knowing them and then something happens and she has to move.
Since then she’s had a really tough time being able to find a rental as that incident left a permanent record on her renting history. So to say, she was quite upset when I moved my grandparents in.
Recently, my husband and I have been fortunate enough to buy a rental property. We’ve just finished doing it up, new kitchen, carpet, drapes, heating and ventilation, new roof, fences, paint, etc.
My mother asked to move into my rental. Rent is quite high in our area and she can’t keep up, especially in her limited pool of houses that are private and don’t request renting background checks.
My rental is priced on the cheaper side because we want someone who is going to love and take care of the place. It’s part of our retirement plan, so we don’t want just anyone living there.
I really don’t feel comfortable having my mom living in it so I told her no, I’d be renting to a stranger as both finances and family don’t mix, and I don’t want any of her partners living there.
My Mom, along with my maternal grandma and aunty have been saying how awful I am, that if they had rental properties they’d let her rent it. That she doesn’t even have a partner, and she won’t move anyone in. I don’t believe that but I’m starting to feel bad as they said it will be my fault if she becomes homeless.
I really don’t want that, but it’s a big risk for me to take.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are acting based on your mother’s history. She has done nothing to show that she has changed or gotten better and she just expects you to give her the rental (and for cheap too) and that is super entitled.
Don’t do it. It’s true, contracts with family get so messy because they think blood means they are entitled to privileges they have not earned. She may move someone in for the future and then call you controlling for not letting her. She may expect you to pay for all the damages she makes because you are family.
Ugh, all these crazy excuses I’ve seen awful parents make…Point is, all this will do is bring you more trouble and expenses.
Your mother and her side of the family are awful. They are not looking out for you!
If you do want to do a rental agreement with her, you might want to get a professional to help you create a comprehensive lease that she will be legally bound to.” hulijing
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Sounds like she’s trying to guilt-trip you into the perk of a low-cost rental by playing the “I’m your mother” card.
If you do end up renting to her, you need a very strict contract about who can be on the property and at what times. If she tries to move someone else in, they need to have a background check done at their expense, and then that same strict contract applies to them as well.
You’ll need to do regular checkups on the house, too, to make sure nothing is being damaged. Be prepared to take her to court if something does get damaged. Be kind to her if you can be, but show no mercy if she’s not willing to repay that kindness by being a good steward in the home that you own.
If all of that sounds like too much of a hassle to you, just don’t rent to her. I doubt anyone here on this thread would blame you for choosing that choice, and if your mother’s side of the family wants to complain, tell them to cough up some finances to help your mother afford a place to live.” skyboundzuri
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If your mother were nicer to the properties she has rented in the past, she wouldn’t have these problems. It’s a result of her own life choices, not your fault, and not your responsibility to redress.
Her track record is very poor; she lets her “bad boy” partners move in and they both trash the place, then must move and she lets some other “bad boy” move in there, and on and on and on.
Sounds like a prime renter to me!! (Not EVEN!)
Keep your feet on the ground and keep her out of your properties. You need her around like a worm needs ski mittens, and she would be so apt to mess your house up just because she could. Can you go NC with her? It sounds like she’s a toxic personality.
Best of luck.” KatsEye68
5. AITJ For Tossing My Husband's Food Out The Door?
Sometimes we don’t think before we do when in anger.
“After a long day home with my (34F) two kids (6 years & 5 months), my husband (32M) came home, stripped down to his undergarments, and grabbed the baby while I was finishing up dinner and loading the dishwasher. I work from home and take care of the kids until my daughter goes back to school in 2 weeks.
While I’m getting dinner ready to put on the table, I noticed that my husband left his work iPad and his bag on the table. This is one of those “my wife divorced me for putting my glass in the sink” situations, in that I’ve asked him time and time again to put his things away.
Especially the iPad since it’s for his job and dangerous to leave around when you have kids. I angrily point out these things, obviously frustrated, and my husband gives me a facetious “sorry,” as if my annoyance is in return annoying.
I tell him not to talk to me that way when I’m reminding him to pick up after himself and he starts going off on how tired he was, how he had a long day, and that his apology was sincere despite not sounding sincere.
He puts his things away as he’s going off, and I’m still getting dinner ready for the kids. He starts to sit down and prepare himself a plate. I say, “You don’t get to talk to me that way and eat the food I’ve prepared for dinner.” He says, “You never let me make dinner (false) because I always do it wrong.” I responded with, “Takeout is not making dinner.
Did you even have anything planned for tonight?”
Of course, he didn’t.
This goes on for a while with him insisting that since I won’t accept his apology I’m the reason we were fighting. Since I refuse to let him continue to talk to me with disrespect, he’s getting angrier and angrier.
He eventually gets so angry he slams his fork into the table, bending it in half, and I’ve had enough.
I tell him to get out of the house. He argues that he can’t go anywhere because he’s in his undergarments, so I tell him to go out in the backyard. He refuses. So I grab his dinner that he set up for himself and throw it out the backdoor. In order to get him out too, I threw his smoking stuff into the yard.
He finally went out and I shut the door.
This all happened in front of our children and I apologized to my oldest and told them that what we just did was not what grownups are supposed to do. My husband eventually came back in and also apologized to our kid, then turned to me and said “how can I help?”
I told him I didn’t need help and he decided to go to bed at 7 pm.
I’m torn, because I hate that he tries to play the tired card when he doesn’t have a strenuous job, doesn’t do 3 am wake ups with the baby, and isn’t expected to do two jobs at once like I am; but I kept the fight going instead of just dropping it.
I know we need therapy, we’re on a wait list; but AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – there are clearly two sides to this story. Your OP was one thing, but the endless responses and justification for each and every one of your actions and the embellishment of the story tell us far more. It would be interesting to hear what the husband had to say.
Clearly, you’re suffering from sleep deprivation and clearly seem to revel in taking it out on your husband. While he may be far from perfect, it seems to me he can’t do right from wrong. Some people can never be pleased and you seem to be one of them. Always right, even when they know they’re wrong, provoking a reaction and then playing the martyr.
“You never let me make dinner because I always do it wrong”… some truth there me thinks, in fact, I bet there’s a long list of things that fit that complaint.
“The dinner was mine”… this fight started in your head hours before he walked in the door.
“How can I help? I told him I didn’t need help” – martyr syndrome and narcissistic trait.
This is one of those “my wife divorced me for putting my glass in the sink” situations…. this is one of those my husband left me for no reason situations but imma get a good lawyer.
“Did you even have anything planned for tonight?” – did you ask him to? And so what if it’s takeout?
Somehow the fork incident (uncalled for but ultimately a victimless crime) has now been embellished to be a “physically violent incident” and by tomorrow will no doubt be a “he threatened me with a fork’ incident before long.
You both need help. Your husband easily learns to contribute more but you have serious anger management issues and narcissistic qualities that will be much harder to address.” sleepy13445
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I’m saying this because your responses are proving that your husband literally could not do anything to right the situation for you. You are proving over and over again that you are so frustrated and angry at him that you are looking for constant validation that he is in the wrong and you are in the right.
All your comments are argumentative and absolutely none of your replies I’ve seen acknowledge that you seriously escalated the situation and that it was actually you who allowed there to be anger in the household for so long. You are looking to constantly validate the fact that you think you are justified to behave like this because you were annoyed when you are not.
This is a pretty awful environment for your children to grow up in. You;
- A- started yelling at your husband for his “attitude”. You have no right to deny someone their feelings. Despite whatever reservations he had, he apologized. You clearly used this as an excuse to continue being angry with him.
- B- threw his plate out the door what the heck is wrong with you?
I would be terrified as a child if my mother did this to my dad. This is horrifying and shows a very real and very likely escalation to where you are not just throwing the plate out the door, but you end up throwing the plate at him. This is a clear sign that you are escalating to violence and I would not feel safe having any arguments with you where you can behave like this.
- C- you kicked him out. Over an iPad. You clearly want to divorce your husband if you’re that ready to deny him a house and home if you’re going to kick him out every time he upsets you.
- D- every opportunity he had to try and placate you, you threw it in his face.
You made dinner, then tried to control him and deny him food. What the heck is wrong with you? Like this is severely controlling and concerning. Of course, he didn’t have a meal plan, you were the one cooking dinner. He tried to apologize; you rebuffed him. He tried to offer you help after leaving his own house because you told him to, and you still sulked and refused. You need serious therapy for yourself because these are all absolutely terrible warning signs.” goatshepherd20981
Another User Comments:
“ESH. But more importantly, you need to pull back some. Takeout doesn’t count as dinner? Hey did everybody get fed? Yes. Did you have to do it? No!!! Is the baby going to delete his work emails? Probably. Will it serve him right? Absolutely.
Going nuclear is always a bad plan, but it feels self-righteous at the moment.
Throwing his dinner was nuclear. And even when he came back in and legit apologized, you were still too mad to accept help. He might be careless, but it’s you that needs a break.
Take 3 days and “run away from home.” No husband. No kids. No work. Just you and 3 days on a beach with a book.
(To be frank, I did this when my son was 8 months old, and my husband never took my contribution for granted again).
Take a break. Get some rest. Neutralize the nuclear brain. And start to prioritize what’s important. That crap is done your way (and you have to manage it), or crap just gets done where you have one less thing to think about.
Ps – let the baby send your husband’s team a nonsense email. That’ll teach him.” rsome_stuffs
4. AITJ For Being Upset With My Partner For Not Helping With My Child?
“I (25F) came out of a 5-year crappy relationship, my ex left & refused to pay any rent or any child support, not a single cent. I got myself out of that hole of debt, worked extremely hard & have minimal support for my kiddo (4M) from family which is flighty at best. His “father” is not in the picture at all & doesn’t try to be.
Now I have a new job with better pay, better hours, etc., & I’ve been with my partner (35M) for 7 months. My kid calls him dad of his own volition. My partner and I have discussed a future together and someday in the distant future, having kids together.
This is where I can’t decide whether I’m the jerk or not.
A few months ago, my partner told me that I would never have to do any of it alone again, he’d always be there for whatever I needed.
So I’ve asked him to watch my kiddo a few times here & there when my family flaked & I wasn’t in a financial position to get a sitter.
Basically lose my job/pay & stay home or have him help.
More recently with the new job I don’t have the luxury of getting him to daycare & get to work on time (which was the same with the last job but that one reliable person has moved too far away). So I asked if he could take the kiddo to & from daycare on the days that I work.
Now I KNOW that on the base level he’s not a free babysitter & the bar for step-parents is to not be a jerk to the kids. I pay for everything for the kiddo & that’s fine. I just need a bit of help getting him to & from care which is outside of my partner’s work hours.
HOWEVER. He’s also admitted he would do these things without hesitation for his bio kids & always responds with “do I have a choice?” which has always been yes, he knows that, it just makes my life significantly harder but that’s a me problem & I accept that.
But at the same time, it’s just so frustrating knowing he told me that I’d never have to do it alone again & that he’d do it without hesitation for bio kids, but he actively doesn’t want to do things for his bonus kiddo which in turn concerns me that he’d treat bonus kiddo as a second thought if I have his bio kids.
I don’t go off on him, I don’t lecture him in any way, I have questioned why he’d do it for bio kids but not bonus kiddo & he said he just didn’t know how it would go catching a bus bc he doesn’t have a car at the minute. (We live in the city so it’s not necessary – I drive everywhere though).
So, without being too harsh because I’m prepared to be the jerk, I think I very well could be & I just have to deal with my own crap & pay someone, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ.
You have only been together for 7 months.
You need to take a moment and think this through, you shouldn’t be so reliant on him so early, this is not a long-term committed relationship at this stage.
Asking him to do ALL the pick-ups and drops offs, comparing your son to bio kids, in addition to babysitting and allowing your child to call him dad – it’s a lot. If he moves on from this relationship, your life will fall apart.
At 7 months, he is a bonus in your life. He shouldn’t be expected to take on everything at once when he is still getting to know you.
As a stepmother, you grow that relationship with the child, you don’t necessarily immediately love them like your own, it is special in its own way.” ozziejean
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – He can’t tell you you’ll never have to do it alone again, then back peddle on it. Honestly, OP- not jumping straight to leave the dude, but I’d seriously rethink the relationship.
If he can’t follow through on something he’s promised because of having to take the bus without even exploring the route first – that’d make me think he’d be less likely to follow through on other things.
He should at least offer to give it a go with the bus a day or two to see if it’s something he can manage, if he can’t after a couple of days, then fine – figure something else out.” Mullberries
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You’ve leaped into a new relationship without checking if it actually works. This man is openly telling you that he will support YOU but not your child. If you have children with him, he will neglect and exclude your son. And still, you push for them to be around each other.
You’re not putting your son first here.
If you continue to force this man who doesn’t want to parent your child to be around your son, you are to blame for all the pain that will follow. Your son will always be chasing approval he can never get. He has already had one father abandon him, and now you’re setting him up for a lifetime of the same, again.
If you can’t make your work fit around your son’s daycare, it’s on you to find a solution. Not to try to force a man who hasn’t signed on for this to parent your son for you.
Please take a step back and reconsider what you’re doing. It’s natural to want a partner and to clutch at someone who is saying all the right things, but rushing into this is always the wrong decision, especially when the man’s words don’t match his actions.
Prioritize your son. He deserves a parent who puts him first, especially given that he already has one deadbeat dad. A mother who is really THERE is so much better than a stepfather who doesn’t want him around.” Accomplished-Cheek59
3. AITJ For Accidentally Damaging My Friend's Car?
“So I (16M) was outside with my friend named Lukas (17M). While we were outside my friend remembered that he had a bunch of fireworks left over from July 4th.
So we decided to light the remainder of the firework that was left, it turns out he actually had way more left than we thought.
So we decided to put all of the fireworks in the back of his father’s pick-up truck so we wouldn’t have to walk back and forth.
We started lighting the fireworks and everything went okay. I eventually decided to switch things up and use firework arrows. When I was about to fire it I took a few steps back for safety and when I was about to light it up, my friend Lukas told me to go farther away because I was “too close.” I told him that everything was fine, and when I lit it up, the firework landed in the back of the pick-up truck with all of the fireworks.
My friend Lukas was luckily at a safe distance, but in literal seconds all of the fireworks in the back of the pick-up truck exploded. There were a lot of firecrackers in the back of the pick-up truck and a lot of other things.
When the explosions ended, the back of the pick-up truck was completely ruined, the back window exploded, the paint was ruined, and even the tailgate was broken, also the entire back of the truck was completely black from all of the fireworks.
We were obviously very shocked by what happened and got his father to come (since it was his car). His father was very mad about it but since it was late at night and it already happened, he told me to go home and we would figure it out the next day.
The next day came and I woke up to several messages from Lukas, apparently, the damages were in the thousands.
This was very shocking to me that it was this expensive since my family doesn’t have a lot of money. Also, Lukas’s family comes from a wealthy background, so in the heat of the moment, I blocked Lukas’s phone number because I was very scared about the possible consequences of not being able to pay it.
The reason I feel sorry about this situation is for me not taking more steps back when firing the fireworks because Lukas told me to do so. It’s also been 2 days and I haven’t heard anything from Lukas or his family.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Of course YTJ! You may not have meant to/anticipated that happening, but you need to take responsibility for it.
Unblock your friend’s number immediately and apologize to him and his dad. Also, if you haven’t done so yet, tell your parents asap. I get that you may not currently have all of the money to pay for all of the repairs right away, but if you have the finances, it needs to be offered to Lukas’s dad right away.
Your parents’ home and/or auto insurance may cover the damages. Regardless, you need to get a job asap and use 100% of your earnings to pay back Lukas’s dad or your parents every time you get paid, until it’s paid off in full, possibly with interest if your parents are able/need to put it on a credit card or line of credit.
After the damage is repaid 100%, you get to decide if you want to keep working or not. If you were my kid (I have a child very close to your age), you’d better be prepared to go nowhere but your job and home until the repairs are paid off. If your parents allow you to do anything else, including spending time with friends or doing extra-curricular activities, consider yourself VERY lucky!” Next_Astronomer_2166
Another User Comments:
“ESH Obviously you need to contact the owner of the vehicle and work out a payment plan. You are financially responsible for the damage to the truck. Obviously, your friend is also an idiot for getting the fireworks out to begin with. Stupid decisions all around that you are probably going to be paying for, for quite a while.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Literally every single year the state/local governments throughout the USA beg and plead for irresponsible idiots not to light fireworks because they can cause property damage/serious injuries, and I guess they were right again!
Grow. A. Spine. You were directly involved and your cockiness made you negligent when it came to discharging the fireworks.
Unblock your friend ASAP, figure out the amount they expect you to contribute, and come up with a payment plan. You screwed up, you deal with the consequences. End of. Also, ghosting is a terrible idea in this situation because you’re likely making his family angrier — instead of finding a way to settle this between yourselves, the cops might be called or your parents might end up getting served with a civil lawsuit because of your actions.” pudgesquire
2. AITJ For Wanting To Keep Photos Of Me And My Exes, Despite Being Married Now?
“I (34F) recently moved into a new house with my husband (38M) since we are about to have our first child. I have always been a big memory person, keeping detailed journals, photo albums, and recordings of my years, and my husband was never oblivious to this since I always seize the opportunity to take a photo.
Since we moved to our first official house, I brought my high school and college photo albums from my parents’ place and was going to put them in our living room.
While unpacking some of my photo albums we decided to sit down and look through them out of boredom. We got to a page where it was two pics of me and an ex, one photo with his arm around my waist and another one with us making a funny pose around a statue.
Nothing too romantic or anything. He had already popped up in a few pics so my husband asked who he was and I said I used to go out with him my senior year of college. My husband tensed up and jokingly asked if I’m “hiding any other men in there (the box)” and I just looked at him.
I told him yes there were probably photos with my old partners in these albums (6 guys from ages 15-26 excluding him, who I met when I was 27) and he seemed uncomfortable. He asked why I was holding onto these pics and asked if I could throw some away and I immediately said no. I brought up how it’s not like we were doing anything overly romantic in them and I just wanted to keep the memory and hopefully show it to our future kids so they see more about who I was when I was younger and he got really mad and said that showing my kids exes is not necessary, and I have more than enough pictures with just my friends to suffice.
He asked why I was so insistent on keeping these pictures with old partners. And if I’m being honest I don’t really know myself either. I just know that I don’t want to throw them out.
Considering I have been with this man for seven years, married him, bought a house with him, and am about to birth our first child, I would say I don’t have any feelings for my exes.
I do wonder though if I should just throw them out. It’s not like I prefer them over him or anything. I feel bad as he’s been giving me partial silent treatment the whole day over this. I don’t know if I should throw them out seeing as they are doing me more harm than good.
And the way he commanded me to throw them out really annoyed me, but I do see where he’s coming from. I just think it’s a little much.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but if you want to keep those photos I’d either have copies made or take them out of the albums and put them somewhere safe now, just in case.
I’m not one of those people who tries to pretend the past didn’t happen (and it sounds like you are too), but there are people who basically delete exes from their memory and all their photo albums after a breakup, and your husband sounds like one of those. Neither way is better or worse, they’re just different outlooks, but you should probably talk about it with him (and guard your photos in the meantime or he may do something drastic).” rainyreminder
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had a similar situation. When I married, he didn’t like reminders of my life before him. I threw away many photos and mementos from my young wild n crazy days over the course of our relationship just to avoid making him uncomfortable.
That relationship ended 10 years ago… he’s now my ex, but I can never recover those keepsakes I discarded for his comfort.
I think maybe it’s a good idea to take those specific pics out of the albums you plan to put on display, but keep a private stash of photos for yourself maybe in a photo box or album in your closet. I wish I had kept a private box instead of throwing them away, but at the time, I felt like keeping them at all was offensive to my very insecure ex.” Melora_Rabbit
Another User Comments:
“Don’t listen to any of these single cat ladies trying to “empower” you with their nonsense. You absolutely need to know that YTJ for a few reasons.
- You’re married, have a kid on the way, and moving into your new home. Yet for some reason you want to put these photos in your living room.
- You let your husband walk head-first into this tornado without giving him a warning that a bunch of your exes are in there. No heads up at all.
- Your memories of your past are nothing to be ashamed of yet when you ran into a bunch of photos of your ex you didn’t tell your husband that this was your ex.
You didn’t narrate and say, and this is my ex Greg from college. You let him scroll through multiple photos of him before he had to ask you when he saw the guy’s arm around your waist. You were just going to say nothing.
- You didn’t even tell him that there are more of them in there.
He had to ask you if there were more. Why? Because you knew how jacked up this was and you were just going to omit that information until he asked you if there were other exes. If you truly had no problem with the men in your past being in an album in your living room then why didn’t you share it from the jump?
You know why.” stonefoxmedia
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. On some level I can understand you wanting to keep the pictures from your past but here’s where you went horribly wrong. You know you’re married to this man and about to have a family with him but yet you want to put pictures with all of your exes in your “living room” your “LIVING ROOM!
In your first home! When my wife and I got married. She had a custom bear made with a doctor’s uniform and a stethoscope as a congratulations for her graduating, and she had a bunch of old love letters in a box in the closet. While we were moving into our first home, she threw them away and the bear as well.
I also threw away some old gifts that I got from the past. This is not just a relationship; this is marriage. My wife or I would flip if one of us dared had pictures of us with the ex together and trying to put them in our living room, let alone be mad enough to think they’re going to show that to our kids.” stonefoxmedia
1. AITJ For Making A Scene When My Ex Brought His New Partner Around Me?
“I (f25) have a tight-knit friend group that consists of me and six other friends of a similar age. We have all known each other for 7 years and are all extremely close. We occasionally have little bits of bickering between us but overall we’re great friends.
One of our friends, “Logan” (m28) and I used to be romantically involved. It was 8 years ago, and we were together for around 10 months.
The relationship was nice whilst it lasted, but Logan and I weren’t compatible in many ways romantically and mutually decided to end the relationship.
Logan now has a new girl, “Daisy” (f25). They got together 5 months ago, and Logan asked if he could start including Daisy in our friend group activities.
Everyone said yes, except me.
The reason I don’t want Daisy to join in is because Daisy’s presence makes me uncomfortable. I’m not jealous that she’s with Logan; I’m uncomfortable around her because of her previous actions.
Daisy went to the same school as me and tormented me throughout my teen years. She would constantly body-shame me for being tall and muscular, would follow me around and tease me, and would get her friends to comment mean things on my social media.
I’m more confident in myself and my body now but at the time Daisy caused me a lot of insecurity and anxiety.
I explained this to everyone including Logan. They think I’m just jealous that Daisy is with Logan because I’m still single and are telling me to just take the opportunity to have some closure from the bullying and that they’re sure Daisy is more mature.
Logan insisted that his chick is soooo kind and caring and feels bad about her actions.
I don’t care if she’s changed; I don’t want to be around her.
Last week, we all met up to go to a small event at our town center. Logan promised he wouldn’t bring Daisy because she had other plans.
Well, lo and behold! Daisy shows up fashionably late. She couldn’t go more than 2 minutes without making a rude comment about my body after arriving.
I loudly said that I couldn’t do this and walked away from them and walked towards the car park. Everyone was staring at us. I didn’t care.
Daisy and Logan tried to follow me.
Logan pleaded for me to stay and talk. I made even more of a scene by shouting at them about how inconsiderate they are. I just didn’t have the patience to keep my composure. I quickly left in my car.
My friends are all saying I’m a jerk for making a scene and embarrassing everyone.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You made a scene in public because you were triggered. You told your “friends” exactly why you didn’t want Daisy included in these group activities. You clearly voiced your concerns. How are they outraged when she did exactly what you said she did as a teen, behaved EXACTLY like you said she would and then you had a legitimate reaction to it?
Where do they get off criticizing your reaction without taking her actions into consideration?
Honestly, as someone who got bullied relentlessly in school, I understand why you’re conflicted. I’d suggest having an open and honest discussion with your group, if they get it, fine, if they don’t, you don’t really need people like that in your life anyway.
Because then you won’t be your best self with these people, you’ll be afraid to speak up for yourself, minimizing your personality for fear of being bullied. It will be like high school all over again.” Ok-Philosophy3217
Another User Comments:
“Nope. NTJ. You set a boundary and your friends, particularly Logan, trampled over it. On top of that, instead of immediately apologizing for bullying in school and showing that she actually changed, Daisy proved your misgivings correct.
Logan is a HUGE JERK for inviting her along and then chasing you down to ostensibly pressure you into being okay with Daisy and her awful behavior.
Good on you for not taking it. This is also the time to make it explicitly clear to your friends that you will not attend events where Daisy is invited and cite how she immediately reverted to her past behavior as soon as she arrived this one time.
Logan needs to be read the riot act. Daisy bullied you. Within minutes of seeing you, she tried bullying you again. She is not a kind person; I don’t care how she acts around him. Heck, I wonder if this was a power move to create a rift or edge you out. She obviously has a beef with you.
Logan owes you a massive apology.
Unfortunately, this might fracture your friend group if they decide to side with Logan and Daisy or think you need to suck it up and be the “bigger person.” I hope this isn’t the case and things can work out.
Don’t stop sticking up for yourself.” Substantial-bee122
Another User Comments:
“Soft ESH, though stronger towards them than you for two reasons. One, they lied to you, and Daisy hasn’t changed from school.
I do feel that if you had given Daisy a chance to show she had changed on your own terms as well as set boundaries with her directly prior to this deception on their part you would have firm standing on the high ground but you wouldn’t do that.
Up until that point, you were effectively making Logan choose between you, and that is a jerk move no matter how justified you turned out to be.
Both you and Daisy reverted to your teenage selves at that moment, and honestly, that is something that might need addressing, for both of your long-term mental health.
ETA: Let me clarify: I am not saying OP should just accept Daisy as she is today. However, I believe that the reason this happened is that she went into automatic shutdown and exclusion based on school days. I do not believe her feelings are invalid, but when you create an ultimatum, it is very rare you will win.” BlackCatLuna
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