People Contend with Ethical Dilemmas in These 'Am I The Jerk?' Chronicles
20. AITJ For Defending My Enjoyment of Motherhood After My SIL Called Me Privileged?
“I (f21) have three older brothers. My brother (m32) is married. His wife is 30.
Both of our parents are lawyers, mom was still working full time when my brothers were born/ they were little. Then they had me and my mom (who always wanted a girl) decided to switch to SAHM and later on she started working part-time when I started school.
I think I was a little bit more “sheltered” than my brothers, but I think that’s just because I’m a girl and not because our parents love me more. I’ve seen it with my friends’ parents as well.
I am also married and I’m a SAHM too, my husband and I have a four-month-old baby boy.
Well, now the conflict. This happened last week at my nephew’s birthday party. At one point, I asked everyone if they minded if I nursed my baby there or if I could go to one of the bedrooms to do it. Everyone was fine with it, so I just followed through and we continued talking.
I’m only breastfeeding my son, I don’t pump milk or give him formula.
My sister-in-law asked me about it, and I told her that I just prefer to do it like this, my son’s pediatrician says that he’s healthy and doesn’t need formula, so I like breastfeeding.
Well, my SIL thought that it was “very offensive” how I said that I liked it because it sounded as if I didn’t understand my privilege for being able to do it. She said, “of course, you like it because you don’t do anything else all day than have your kid in your arms”.
I feel like that came out of nowhere honestly and I asked her why she was saying that. She told me that she’s tired of hearing me talk about how wonderful motherhood is because I’m just a glorified housewife and I talk like being a mother is the easiest thing in the world, just because I don’t work and I don’t do most of the housework.
I told her that every time I talk about motherhood, I do it from my perspective. It’s not my fault that other women don’t enjoy it as much as I do, I am giving my opinion and that’s all.
Well, then she started calling me out on my “privileges” and said that I’m just a “silly girl who doesn’t understand the world”.
I got angry and replied to her, so on top of what my SIL was saying, my brother started telling me to stop with that spoiled brat attitude and that I needed to face the real world and he insisted on how privileged and spoiled I am (by our parents and my husband)
My husband intervened, and my brother and he argued too. My parents also tried to say that SIL’s attack was uncalled for. My husband and I left, and so did my parents. Well about half an hour after I left I received a text from my brother saying that everyone was uncomfortable and some people had left his son’s birthday party because I “can’t take criticism”.
He also said that my nephew is “severely upset” with me.
My husband and parents are very obviously on my side, and so are my friends although one of them told me that maybe my SIL is stressed out because of her job and taking care of her children and as another mother I should be more understanding.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH I disagree with most here. Sounds like SIL asked if you exclusively breastfeed and you said yes, you like (with italics) breastfeeding, insinuating those who use formula are doing so because they don’t. SIL took offense and rudely wondered if you knew how privileged you are (she’s right).
You then stated it’s not your fault that you enjoy motherhood more than others, the others being working moms with more on their plates. At no point did your SIL indicate she didn’t enjoy motherhood. She said you had it easier, and you do.
Also, time for your Mommy to wake up and realize she did some damage with your brothers.” Spiritual_Basil7665
Another User Comments:
“I get the feeling there is a lot left being unsaid, that this wasn’t a one-off and that you have been making a lot of comments about how easy motherhood is, essentially rubbing it in other people’s faces on how you have it better.
Also ” not because our parents love me more”, have you asked your brothers if they believe that because having a mother quit work to look after their fourth kid and not the first three seems like you were more loved.” lord_buff74
19. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay Board Until I'm 22 Like My Older Step Siblings?
“I’m 20 yo and just finished my 3yr degree, I was meant to go into honours this year but I missed the application date for all unis as it was during my finals (stupid I know).
I’ll need to go into full-time work instead now for the experience to further my post-grad education and to save as much as I can before I go back to full-time study next year in 2025 ( I have held two jobs constantly ever since I was 16 and have been working since I was 14 years old as well).
My dad jumped at the idea of me paying board since I would no longer be studying full-time. I agreed but I asked if this could be equal since my two OLDER step-siblings have not paid board ever nor have they been asked to. My dad argued that they study full-time.
I didn’t think this was fair as I would only be on a year hiatus. My step-siblings also get paid throughout their degrees as it requires them to work full-time PAID internships.
However, I knew that once I had landed a full-time role this year I would pay board regardless (I haven’t begun looking yet as I want to travel for a little bit before I say bye to freedom).
Today my dad texts me out of the blue and says from now on I will be paying $150 board per week, $600 a month. I would also like to add that ever since I was 17-18 I have bought my groceries and cooked my own food, except for when they hold family dinners.
They don’t pay my phone bill or anything with my car. I have done all my household chores- to the point where I purchase my own laundry detergent etc. I am in no way trying to be ungrateful. I understand I am an adult and they are not obligated to provide a roof or water/electricity.
However what doesn’t sit right with me is how my dad said he will also make my step-siblings pay $150 a week for equality, which they have no problem with. I have no issues with paying board, as I said I would’ve done it no questions asked once I landed a full-time job.
But one of my step-siblings is 3 years older than me and chose to pursue a second degree. It’s been pointed out to me that both of my step-siblings have been living under my dad’s and step mum’s roof for years longer than I have without needing to contribute a dime.
They also are eligible for gov assistance money as they are 22+ and study full time. I will not be eligible for this until another year as I am not old enough.
I have proposed these points to my dad in what I believe to be a rational manner.
But he immediately shut me down and at this point, it feels like if I don’t go along with it then I’ll have to move out. I only wanted to negotiate it so I could start paying the year I turn 22 (next year) considering my step-siblings didn’t have to pay it till quite later on in their lives.
This situation at the moment doesn’t feel equitable and fair but I’m wondering if I’m just being bratty here and should suck it up?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I think it’s fair for you to ask for this. I also think that it’s fair for him to decide all of you should start paying at once given that you’re all adults.
He has given you all a free place to stay until now and expects all of you to pay starting now. It’s probably more based on his own needs than it is on your respective ages. Neither of the two of you is wrong to feel the way you feel about the situation.
That being said, $600 is a lot of rent for a room in a parent’s house, at least in most places. I wouldn’t pay that, at least in most places. I’d rather move in with friends if possible.” octopusforgood
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I understand your situation, but you are also a fully grown-up human being. The agreement you make with your parents is for you and does not need a comparison to your also grown-up step-siblings. Fair does not mean equal, and what is fair is between you and them – but keep in mind that they are supporting you even though they could just tell you to live your own life.
Once you are an adult by law you have to take responsibility for your own life.” nordic_wolf_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but naive. $150 a week rent for a room with amenities is a good deal even if you are buying your own groceries. Stop worrying about what others are paying.
You lost out because of your own mistake. The alternative is finding somewhere else to live (good luck with that), not trying to negotiate your siblings paying more or you paying less.” Diplomatic_Gunboats
18. AITJ For Being Upset About My Roommate's Partner Overstaying His Welcome?
“I (21F) live with three other girls. I know all of them very well and one of them in particular I lived with, and for the past year she has been seeing this guy (22M).
I met him when he came down to stay with us (which I felt was nice for us to let him do) for about 10 days. I and my other roommates didn’t mind him, but felt like he overstayed his welcome after purposefully missing his flight so that he could spend more time with his partner at the expense of our hospitality.
Flash forward about a month he comes back down for 10 days. Mind you our house is pretty small and with the four of us it is kind of at capacity, and so having him around was making it feel pretty crowded. When he is here is just disrespectful most of the time.
He drinks a lot (including when we all share drinks, he consumes almost all of it), and gets so intoxicated he crashes into our tv (scratching it). Additionally, he is always using substances (which is legal here) and we have had to ask him more than once to not use it inside.
The worst is that one time his partner (my friend) said she was going to be the designated driver, but then let him drive despite him being intoxicated and high (I was not there for this but heard about it and saw him at home after).
He constantly is complaining about something, from the way we grocery shop to how everyone around him is just “stupid” for calling him out on things he does wrong.
During the times they were not seeing each other, they FaceTime constantly. They watch each other eat, sleep, do school work, etc. my roommate also chose to put her desk in the common living space, since she decided to get a (free) dining table off of a social media marketplace and use it as a desk.
But because it was a dining table it did not fit in her room (obviously). This caused us to have to listen to their FaceTime calls almost all the time if we wanted to be on the main floor. We talked to her about this (about 3 times) before she got the message that we did not want to listen to them talking under any circumstance.
She asked us if he could come down for Valentine’s Day next month, and I told her I was a bit uncomfortable having him stay with us for TEN DAYS again. Mind you, this is a 22 year old man who still lives AT HOME so why he can’t pay for a hotel is beyond me.
When I said this he already booked his flights without telling her and therefore he will be coming. I want to flip out on her and ask her what the point of her asking was if she didn’t care about our opinion, and one of our other roommates wasn’t even asked if she thought it was okay.
I really don’t want to spend my college break with this man-child who refuses to act like an adult.
I also know it’s hard being long distance, but I also do not think that gives her the right to be a bad friend either.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – firstly your friend is in a codependent relationship and they’re the worst to deal with as a housemate or friend. 10 days is definitely too long and I’d set a rule for the household maximum 5 days in a month for our out-of-town guests, maximum 2 nights a week for people who live in the same town.
You always need to have clearly defined boundaries when living with someone. That included the housemate covers any damage from guests they have over. Next I’d let her know that him expecting to stay for almost 2 weeks isn’t okay and he can stay 5 days and then either change his flight or they can get a room somewhere.
Don’t make this boundary about not liking him and their unhealthy relationship, but as a friend I’d be having that convo in the future.” Firm-Psychology-2243
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I would suggest asking her to go to him instead. Tell her he is not welcome unless he can act proper as it is a shared living space and not a private dwelling that they can do with as they please.
If she says no then they can get a hotel but either way he is NOT staying at the house unless he can be positive, contribute to things and have manners.” AlchemyAngel85
17. AITJ For Uninviting My Parents From My Wedding After Their Reaction To My Pregnancy?
“I (23F) have been in a relationship with Noah (25M) for more than 3 years now. We met through friends, he’s truly the love of my life.
Admittedly, my parents never liked him because I was only 19 while he was 22. I admit, this is natural and we gave them plenty of time to trust him.
They also wanted me to marry someone more ‘polished’ (the word they used). Noah is not catholic nor is he from a ‘wealthy’ background. He also has tattoos, which is a pretty big sin for my family. I knew my family was pretentious like that, but I never thought they’d berate me for choosing my life partner.
Noah is more successful than me and takes care of me more than anyone else.
My brother used to tell me that my parents thought I was going through my ‘rebel’ phase later in life because I never used to go against their wishes before.
This is true, but I’ve explained to them that it’s because I didn’t know I had a choice. They thought I’d break up with him eventually.
A few months ago I found out that I’m pregnant. It was not planned at all. But Noah and I used to talk about family way before this, so even though things were happening a lot earlier than we planned, we wanted to go ahead with it.
Soon after, Noah proposed as well. We hosted a dinner for both our families and told them the news; this is where things got out of control.
I didn’t want to shock them, so my brother had also told them that I was engaged, but I wanted to tell them about the pregnancy face to face.
I don’t get to see them much since they live far away, which was special to me. But this is one of the reasons I feel like I’m the jerk, I feel like maybe I put too much pressure. Anyways, they came, they saw the ring and pretended to be okay with it.
But after we got started eating they were continuously making snide remarks. Like how Noah could afford such a ring, or that it’s fake. Now, Noah is not a person to take nonsense, and after a lot comments, he told them that if they had the class they showed with their wealth (my name) wouldn’t have to be scared of telling them she’s pregnant
To say they were shocked is an understatement. My mom started crying, my dad started fighting with my mother-in-law about Noah trapping me. I was so stressed and scared, they just kept shouting, Noah told them to get out, but before leaving my mother told me to “get rid of it”
I couldn’t believe what she said. I still didn’t say anything. I was shocked. The next day when they called I told them they were uninvited from the wedding. They were okay and even said they were free of a burden.
But after a week they called, apologised, and said that missing their only daughter’s wedding would be devastating but I shouted a lot that day.
I called them names and I just lost it
It’s been a while, no contact. I overthink a lot nowadays, hormones I guess, but I want to know. What if I explained the pregnancy before they got shocked, maybe if I told them instead of Noah, idk.
They have given me everything my entire life, my education, everything. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Ouch. Take a deep breath, op. It was cruel. And hypocritical. It’s THEIR job to work on the relationship too. Unless there’s a whole lot you’re not telling us and he’s abusive, their behaviour is indeed classless.
NTJ in any case, but if you do decide to let them back in, be wary. They don’t seem to regard you as an adult.” magicsusan42
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your parents do not support your relationship or pregnancy. They were perfectly happy to be uninvited in the first place.
If they’re already so willing to insult Noah and to tell you to “get rid” of your pregnancy, what makes you think they’ll behave any better at the actual wedding.” buttercupgrump
Another User Comments:
“You didn’t do anything wrong. Their apology may be sincere. You’d know better than I would.
But here’s the thing: if you do allow them back into your life, then they need to follow certain rules. The top one of those is that they must be respectful to you and your fiance, and never talk trash about him either in front of you or behind your back.
They don’t have to like him, but they do have to be polite and respectful. You have to have a shiny spine, which you have, but it’s never easy to stand up to family. NTJ” corgihuntress
16. AITJ For Defending My Baby's Name Against My Family's Interference?
“I’m 18f and my partner and I are expecting a baby. His family is so kind and supportive but most of mine are not, except my two great brothers.
The rest of my family says we are too young and have second-guessed all my choices, from researching formula because I won’t be breastfeeding to the names we have looked at. I moved in with my partner a couple of months ago which was a little earlier than we had planned but we both wanted to get away from the comments.
We have started buying stuff and we know we’re having a little boy.
My parents and sisters originally told me when they heard I was having a boy that I should name him George after my great-grandfather. I told them we weren’t looking for name suggestions and asked them not to push the issue.
Then they asked what the name we were thinking of was and I said we weren’t going to share until he was here. That wasn’t taken well and they decided we must have an awful name lined up they made a list of suggestions for us with names such as Simon, Malcolm, Edward, Fredrick, James, Jonathan and Desmond.
I told them again that we did not want or need names suggested because we had our ideas.
I ignored them the next couple of times they mentioned names. But then Christmas Day they had a field day because my oldest sister grabbed my phone while I was in the bathroom and she searched for the list I had on there.
We were at my oldest brother’s house btw. She showed Mom and my other sisters and she tried to involve my brothers but my oldest brother told them they could leave if they started nonsense at his house in front of his family. But they did start nonsense and asked me what on earth I was thinking and demanding that I choose one of their names.
The names that set them off were Sloan and Finley. They were the two I had on a list on my phone. My brother did have to kick them out in the end because they said I could not ruin my son with a name like that and then said my partner was a bad influence because he wanted another dumb name like Jaxon.
I told them I was just as much a part of the naming of mine and my partner’s baby and just because the names aren’t to their taste doesn’t mean they have the right to insult us.
I had to block them on my phone since Christmas because they were going crazy blowing up my phone.
But then I got an email with an even longer list of names two days ago. So I unblocked them temporarily and in a family group chat told them that this is my baby and I do not need or want them to name him for me and I will not entertain a single name on their list and because they have annoyed me, I will never use one of those names ever.
I blocked them again and my brothers showed me screenshots of where they were going off. They find it funny but I know they had to mute the chat. I feel kinda bad now and my parents and sisters are calling me out.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m pretty judgmental about baby names and I figured you had something ridiculous picked out. Sloan and Finley are not names I would pick but they’re not terrible. Just tell your family you’re naming him Jhe’oarrg, pronounced like George but with a unique spelling.” NaturalForty
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While you are very young and expressing concern at the beginning of your pregnancy is normal, how they are behaving now is not. You have every right to name your child as you choose and the names you’re thinking of are fine.
None of those will get him bullied. I might feel different if you were trying to name the kid Abcde or something, but those are normal names. ” alv269
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They think because you’re young and inexperienced with life they can steamroll you on your baby choices.
If they haven’t corrected their behaviour by now they won’t, make sure to make plans with the hospital about them because they will show up and demand everything their way. I would go a very hard LC/NC for the time being growing a tiny human is hard physically and mentally and sometimes you don’t realize how much this stuff gets to you till it’s too much.” Current-Read
15. AITJ For Buying a Statue That Another Woman Had Hidden in a Store?
“So I (22F) was at Goodwill the other day looking around. On one of the shelves, I noticed a basket turned upside down, picked it up to look at it (I was looking for a container to put my jewelry in) and found this pretty little marble statue underneath.
Like one of those of a lady with the arms and head cut off. I liked it and it was only 5 bucks, so I decided to get it. But this lady near me noticed what I was holding and said “Uh oh. This other lady was looking at that.
I think she hid it under the basket so no one else would see it”. I asked if she was gonna buy it, and the lady said she wasn’t sure. She looked around and said she didn’t see the woman anywhere. I felt a little bad, but I carried it around for a while looking at other stuff, and figured if that lady saw me holding it she could come argue with me if she felt like it.
After maybe 10-15 more minutes of looking, I was ready to leave and went to the checkout. Right when I set my stuff down I heard this voice say “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” And this older lady came up right next to me and put her hand on the statue.
I noticed a man was with her, probably her husband. “I was gonna buy this, I hid it. It’s mine” she said. I don’t like confrontation, but I was also kinda mad that she was already getting in my face. I said “I’ve been carrying this around and you haven’t come up to talk to me about it until now.
I didn’t know you were set on buying it”
“Well didn’t you notice it was hidden? I was making up my mind and I hid it so no one else would see it. And I decided, I’m gonna buy it”
“Someone told me a lady was looking at it, but I didn’t know you were gonna buy it.
I’m sorry, I’m already getting it” And we both looked at the poor cashier, who kind of shrugged and said, “yeah I mean she’s already up here buying it. And you can’t call dibs on something, you haven’t purchased it yet”. Then the lady’s husband gets involved and says “cmon kid, let her have the statue.
We’re gonna put it on the dining room table. Where are you gonna put it, your desk?” And I said YEP I am because I’m buying it.
They both just kind of scoffed and looked at each other like I was some young punk who had just disrespected them or something.
I give the cashier my card, I sign for it, and he hands me my bag, meanwhile, they’re still standing there. I don’t think either wanted to do something as blatant as physically taking it from me. The lady said “You want it that bad, even though I already was gonna buy it?
I’ve been looking for a decoration like this for months. Are you gonna die if you don’t have it? And I said “Yes I am” and I walked out cause I didn’t feel like fighting anymore. Meanwhile they followed me outside (and lucky me we parked near each other) saying stuff like “no respect!” and “unbelievable!”
And I swear to God I think the woman even said “What a little jerk” before she closed her door.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You don’t get to hide things from other customers when you’re “deciding whether to buy it”. The entitled arrogance of the sort of person that thinks they can hide things in a shop to call dibs on them and expect other people to respect that, is beyond belief.” _mmiggs_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What a bizarre situation. Unless it’s in her hands or her basket, or she is standing in front of it looking at it, she has no moral right to claim it. It was 5 dollars. How long did she think that it would be there for?
If she had been looking for a decoration like it for months, she should have been more careful about laying claim to it. Both and her husband were insufferably rude. ” Squiggles567
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I consider this technique to be about on the same level as telling your child to stand in the snow in an empty parking spot to “save” it for you.
If she wanted the statue, she could have put it in the basket and carried it around like a normal human shopper.” ChinaShopBully
14. AITJ For Wanting to Send My Estranged Brother a Letter About Our Toxic Family?
“I (33f) am estranged from most of my family, including my only sibling, Bro(29M).
My family is driven primarily by hate, going as far as throwing parties when someone passes away. They love sitting around and making up things that never happened, the meaner the better. They love ruining people’s lives, including each other. This group includes siblings and cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents, everyone.
Both sides of the family.
I never fit in and was one of their favourite people to hate, so I moved to a different province years ago and happily went no contact. However, I’ve never been able to get over the fact that my brother is part of that toxic mess.
He always has been, our father made sure of that when I was 7 and Bro was 3. There was an incident that none of us ever recovered from.
In the last week, I had to text Bro. We haven’t spoken in years and my text wasn’t mean at all, but his response was horrible.
It wasn’t a surprise that he responded how he did, but I was surprised at how upset I got. I sat on the floor crying for half an hour or more. I had to think pretty hard later to realize that my feelings seemed to be for two reasons:
1. I love my brother no matter what and am still heartbroken that he hates me.
2. I feel guilty that he was never told why I’m NC with our family.
I can’t make my brother not hate me, but I’m pretty mad about the injustice of his hatred. He has no idea who I am, what I’m like, or why I’m not involved with these people.
I want him to, at least once, be told the truth about me and also other members of our family.
*I’ve been gone for over a decade, but only went permanently NC with our father maybe 2 years ago, and all of them were still sharing lies about me at that point.
I want to write Bro a letter that explains who I am and who our family members are. I’m not under the illusion that it’ll change his feelings, but the truth is really important to me and I can’t think of any other way to tell him the truth about everything.
I know the family would blow up if I sent anything. He would show everyone and there are a lot of things that a lot of them don’t know about each other. There would be no rumours or exaggeration, only things I know are true.
My naive hope is that seeing the truth for once will make him pause and have at least one conversation with me that doesn’t end in him screaming bad words, but more likely is that it’ll just cause a huge mess with everyone that I’ll never hear about, and it could potentially be really hard on Bro.
However, I’m at the point where I’m having a hard time caring about his comfort. My first priority has always been staying away so Bro is as comfortable and happy as possible, but I feel like I can’t move on until he at least has a chance to see my side, and the only way he’ll ever know my side is if I tell him.
WIBTJ if I sent my brother a letter that explains things about me and other family members that he really won’t want to see, knowing it could cause him problems?”
Another User Comments:
“Write the letter. It is likely to help you process your past. But don’t send it.
Give yourself a week or a month to think about your motives for sending this, and to process all that you have endured. You will not be repairing your relationship with your brother. You will likely cause turmoil for a toxic family, and the blowback will be directed at you.
NTJ” Aggravating-Pain9249
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for wanting to send a letter, just make sure to be as objective and fact-driven as possible. Leave emotion out if at all possible. And if he decides to show it to others and cause problems, that’s something he decided on his own.
You wouldn’t be responsible for how the family reacts to him showing them your letter.” Outrageous_Lab375
Another User Comments:
“I have no answer to this because so much depends on whatever has been happening in your ex-family. However, if multiple health professionals have advised you to do it, do it.
They know you and your situation much better than we ever will. Good luck and pls make an update at some point in the future. Wishing you well!” spaeyder
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Contact My Toxic Mom After A Family Crisis?
“My (31F) mom and I disagreed Xmas. I drove 5 hours to visit her, I sent her $150gc to contribute to the food costs for me, my sister, bro, SIL and my nephew.
Mom was pushy on things that don’t matter. Politely declining something, changing the subject or leaving the room doesn’t work, so after several attempts at calmly declining something I have to snap and be blunt or raise my voice. Making me a bad person.
The Disagreement:
I was prepping the turkey brine and said I wanted space and to be alone in the kitchen, and asked if now was a good time, or if should I come back. I was told by all, including Mom, that now was good. I go into the kitchen and am followed by my mom.
I said, “Oh, you need the kitchen, I’ll just come back in 10” and she immediately got huffy and said, “No I’m just leaving”. OK cool. I take a breath as she leaves and go to start, she’s ALREADY back in the kitchen, repeat 4 times. This is when I yell “I don’t know how I could have been any clearer” and then she starts shrieking at me.
My sister then came in and started yelling at me to clean the kitchen (before I finished using it??). More context, my sister (38F) who lives at home does less cleaning in 3 months than I would do in the quick weekend trips I do, and my brother (35M) does 0.
I walk away. My mom calls after me to go away and I say”I will in the morning if that’s ok, it’s too late at night now”. I’m staying in a room at the bottom of the stairs. I’m FOLLOWED down the stairs and can’t shut the door because my mom is forcing it open.
So I just say, “I would just like some space can you leave me alone” repeatedly, each time a bit louder until it’s considered yelling and then my sister comes storming down forcing the door even further open to yell at me, so I change my repeated comment to “I respect your boundaries, please respect mine” having to get louder and louder until I’m louder than them.
Finally, they stop yelling and storm away. I sleep on it and leave first thing in the morning.
I’ve been on/off contact with my mom, as she’s toxic. I never receive apologies, the narrative is that I’m the problem poor her and the only reason we start contact again is because an event will occur and I’ll feel obligated to show support.
It’s been 3 weeks and my sis messaged me to tell me that this might be it for our uncle and mom has flown over to see him.
I used to be close with him when I was little, even though he lived so far away we would email constantly and chat on MSN.
It stopped abruptly when he started making really specific comments about my body based on family photos mom was sending him and it made me super uncomfortable. But he was in a different country, I never opened another email/chat from him again and I never reached out to him again.
I’ve told no one.
I feel obligated to call my mom and show support, but I don’t want to. I asked my friend what I should do, and she thought I should still call.
Would I be the jerk if I don’t make contact?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Blood is thicker than water, they say. But so is custard, and when it goes bad we throw it away. You do not have to take this mistreatment, you do not have to be nice to people who are nothing but toxic. Just let them be.
Mum told you to go away. So do it. You do not have to feel bad that creepy uncle is dying either.” boredathome1962
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, the way it seems you all react to each other….. You all do sound like you cause each other to be toxic and your best option would be to go NC with everyone.
Maybe send a card and leave it at that.” GoreGoddezz
Another User Comments:
“If you’re planning on remaining in semi-contact with her, it might be worth sending a message of support – maybe a phone call would be too taxing? I’m only saying this (send a message) because if you remain in contact she will most likely use your lack of support against you and make you out to be the villain to other family members and such.
It’s not worth giving her the ammo if you feel like a 60-word text would suffice. either way, I wish you the best in the future and I hope your chosen family is much nicer.” lavasquid2044
sign your name on the inside and be done with it. Then walk away. Contact promotes continued contempt. Disinvolve yourself and get on with your life.
12. AITJ For Not Selling My Ex-Fiancé The House I Bought As Our Surprise Wedding Gift?
“10 years ago, my fiancé left me (38m) a few weeks before our wedding. We grew up in a small town. We were friendly and went to the same school, but we never were in the same clique.
She was one of the popular kids and I wasn’t.
A few years after college, I moved back home when my dad got sick. I found a job in my field about 45 minutes away from home. I would help take my dad to his chemo appointments.
It was during one of those appointments I ran into EX. She was now a worker at the hospital. One day while waiting, I asked her out.
It turned out we shared a lot of the same interests. It seemed like our relationship was going great.
About a year or so into seeing EX I moved into a rented house together. The following year, I proposed. We began looking for a house. EX always wanted to live in her grandparents’ house on the lake near our town. Her family was forced to sell the house when her grandparents died because of an inheritance dispute.
6 months before our wedding, a chance event happened. The couple who bought her grandparent’s lake house had grown tired of our snowy winters. It took some work and nearly all of my savings, but I was able to buy her dream house. It was going to be my surprise wedding present so I didn’t dare tell her or anyone in her family my plans.
A month before our wedding, EX and her friends went to Miami for her bachelorette party. I am not sure all of what happened there, part of me doesn’t want to know, but I do know her high school BF was there. When she got back, from the trip, she broke down and confessed she was afraid to get married and wanted to call it off.
It was a mess. She later moved to Florida and eventually married HS BF.
I ended up moving back to the city for an amazing job. In the meantime, I still had the lake house. With the help of my mom and dad, we started to fix up the lake house.
It took a few years. My mom and dad would look after the contractors while I was in the city. Having the house was perfect when everything was locked down. I was able to escape the city and work remotely from the lake house. I now live here full-time and work remotely.
This summer we had the 4th of July at the Lake House. My SIL used photos from the lake this summer in her Christmas card. One of those cards made it to EX’s cousin. The cousin recognized the house. The Saturday before New Year’s EX’s Mother and Sister were at my front door.
After pleasantries and answering their initial questions, they made an offer to buy it. I refused. They were not happy.
A few days I got a long text from EX. This was the first time in about 9 years she had talked with me. She called me a jerk for keeping this from her.
Her family is blaming her for losing the house again. She then asked me to sell. I still have no intention to sell. Now she and her family are complaining on social media that this is some sort of revenge. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You intended to surprise your ex with the house at the wedding. If you had called off the wedding, I’d reconsider my judgement but she is the reason why she doesn’t have access to that house. On top of that, you’ve made the house your own.
Enjoy it!” Noturaveragrchemist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like they possibly think you bought it to spite her. Show them the property records/ whatever proof on social media as to the purchase date. Say I bought this as a wedding gift surprise for my then bride-to-be.
Since she was unfaithful and broke up with me weeks before the wedding I have no interest, desire, or reason to give it to her.” dart1126
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – The audacity of them to feel entitled to your home. Like rubbing salt in a sword wound.
You secured this for her. She left the relationship. Block their noise and boot them out of your head you are not the jerk. File the statements of revenge with the police. It may seem ‘not that important’ but do it; even if the police are not enthusiastic.
If damage ( e.g., arson) occurs every person involved in revenge talk will become a top suspect. Also, be sure your home is insured to ‘rebuild’…these costs climb every year.” DesertSong-LaLa
11. AITJ For Telling My Friend The Hard Truth About Her Custody Battle?
“A very good friend is going through an extremely ugly custody battle with her ex-partner who she was together with for some years. They have two children (4f, 2m) together and after being psychologically mistreated for most of the part of their partnership she finally ended things in the fall of last year.
First, he didn’t accept the breakup and said she was having an affair but after seeing a therapist he kinda acknowledged that fact. However, according to her, he keeps checking her, is being a total psycho and gets god knows who to be against her.
Since the beginning of this debacle, I told her to contact my country’s equivalent of CPS to tell them how he is with the children (he is an absolute jerk of a father or partner.. complete jerk), how he interacted with her and what happened since the children were born.
She said she didn’t want to go to CPS for fear they would take away her kids.
I told her to get a lawyer for the house they have and maybe they could help with custody and stuff. I even looked up some family lawyers for her..
she never went or contacted any of them.
At the end of last year, things got bad and she left the house and fled to her mom. She then also went to CPS and – surprise – he had been there first. He also took a lawyer and contacted her through them.
According to her CPS is not on her side and her lawyer also stabbed her back with the things they said. Her mother regularly fights against her and basically, the whole world is against her.
I’ve tried to be helpful through all the stages, tried to have her back and be as thoughtful as possible, saying she does the right thing etc.
While I am sure she did the right thing leaving this guy (told her to do that nearly 5 years ago), she now falls down a rabbit hole. Right now both of them are poor parents, weaponizing the kids against each other.
I’m the one she comes to crying and whining and my patience is wearing thin because no matter what I say she does the exact opposite of it.
Today she told me that he accuses her of withholding the children and as sorry as I am, he is not wrong there. She won’t give him the kids for “security” reasons but can’t stay in a room with him either.
So I told her (gently but firmly) that he has the right to see the children and even if her daughter doesn’t want to be with her dad, which at this point I don’t know if it is because she doesn’t like him or because of her mom, they have to go to court and through cps to manifest custody and visiting rights.
Based on her replies I got the feeling that I ended up on her “bad list” of people who are against her but she is completely delusional regarding the custody reality. Nevertheless, I feel like a bad friend right now.
So am I the jerk for talking facts even if she didn’t want to hear that?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you gave her a much-needed reality check. Even more so, CPS generally will take a dim view of what she’s doing, so she’s shooting herself in the foot and needed to hear that even if she doesn’t like doing some things, she has to.” squats_and_sugars
Another User Comments:
“As a friend you don’t have to bear the responsibility of always being a listening ear. It is a really hard ask of someone and those relationships become toxic. You can set a boundary and tell her you don’t mind hanging out and chatting if it isn’t about her ex or the custody battle, when she calls and starts complaining you can tell her you can only give her 2 minutes to this topic or you can remove her from your life.” Wine-n-cheez-plz
Another User Comments:
“Hmm, I would say NTJ. She is going through a rough period but she might just need to hear the hard truth. Sometimes people just want someone to listen and comfort them when they aren’t doing well though. Also, I think the fact that you feel bad about snapping at her also makes you even less of a jerk.
Besides you have been here for her right? You seem like a good friend. I would recommend not getting too involved. Anyways NTJ” -AQUARIUS-
10. AITJ For Naming My Baby After My Dad Despite My Mom's Objections?
“I (26f) am currently expecting my first baby with my partner (27m). This was completely unexpected but we’re both so happy and excited for this baby to arrive.
So are our families.
For some context, my parents divorced when I was around 2 years old and neither have remarried. My mom (50f) has been in many different relationships since the divorce whereas my dad (54m) hasn’t been in more than maybe 2 relationships. Growing up, I predominantly stayed with my dad and visited my mom almost every week.
I love both of my parents and they both tried their best to make sure I was happy and well taken care of. My dad always had a steady job and my mom bounced between jobs. So my dad paid her child support and helped her out as much as possible so I didn’t go hungry or anything when I was with her.
My mom and I always butted heads, especially once I got older. We have a pretty good relationship now even though we do argue occasionally. She has always resented my dad though. Growing up she would try and get me to dislike my dad by telling me stories and saying how horrible of a man he is.
I think this is the main reason why we fought so much. She hated that I would want to be with my dad or go on vacation with him. My dad would only speak highly of her and was a great buffer between us when we would fight.
Now to the reason for the post. I found out I’m having a baby boy. When discussing names, my partner suggested we name him the male equivalent of my name and have my dad’s name as his middle name. It didn’t flow right to me but switching around sounded perfect.
We both fell in love with it immediately. So we decided to tell everyone the name after a few days. My dad was shocked and beyond happy. My mom on the other hand said she would have preferred the middle name to be first. Understandable, but I thought that would be it.
Last night I went to dinner with my mom. She said, “I was very upset when I heard the name.” To which, again, I could understand. But then she said, “If you have another baby and it’s a girl, she better be named after me or I’m never speaking to you again.” I was completely taken aback and extremely upset.
She then followed this up with, “I refuse to call my grandson my ex-husband’s name. So I’m going to call him Lex.” Which would be a nickname for his middle name. I didn’t know how to respond to her so I just stayed quiet until we left the restaurant.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot since last night. I talked to my partner about it and he said that she never should have said that to me and I did nothing wrong. But I can’t help but feel like I’m in the wrong for upsetting my mom so much.
I love the name and don’t want to change it though. I just don’t want my baby to grow up with his grandmother resenting him because he’s named after his grandfather. AITJ in this or should I just tell my mom to kick rocks?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner is right, your mom never should have said that and you did nothing wrong. Your mom is being a big jerk. Hang in there till the time comes and if she still refuses to call your little by his proper name, ask her to call him Sweetie Buddy Love, or some other acceptable nickname.
And don’t worry about her demanding you name a daughter till the time comes. That is likely a ways off, and you have other things to concentrate on right now. Congratulations, BTW!” swag_mom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your mom behaved poorly during your childhood (the manipulation, to be clear, not the relationship style) and she’s continuing to behave poorly now.
If she resents your son or any of your other children, that’s a choice that she’s making. It’s been 24 years since the divorce and she’s holding on to petty nonsense to try and be the main character in your life. If you bend on this, she’ll never stop.
She probably won’t stop regardless, but bending to her whims is guaranteed to make it worse.” author124
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and frankly you should beat her to the punch and go NC before she can follow through on her weird threat. Don’t let her around your son while she is actively disrespecting you, your partner, and your son by intentionally calling him the name SHE likes.
it’s not her kid. She can suck it up or shove off.” TallLoss2
9. AITJ For Making My Friend Pay For The Phone He Broke?
“I (17m) recently went to a small NYE party with my friends.
I drove my friend Nick (17m) there with me, and he’s big into bad habits and drinking.
He was sober for 2 months but recently relapsed. He was also diagnosed with depression a few months ago.
I told Nick to not drink too much because I was meant to be sleeping at his house afterward. I didn’t drink or do anything because I was the designated driver.
An hour into the party, I went to the bathroom, came out, and the first thing I see is Nick getting sick all over the couch because he drank too much.
For context, I have emetophobia, so I started shaking and went outside so I could try to control myself.
A couple of other guys were also inebriated, so we went outside for a walk with Nick.
5 minutes into the walk, my phone started ringing. Nick’s ex-partner was calling me for some reason. Nick saw this and snatched my phone out of my hand, and I tried grabbing my phone back but he shielded me from getting it.
He threatened her, talked about how he was so better than her new partner, and he would beat the heck out of him if he ever saw him in person. She laughed and hung up on him, and then he tossed my phone on the pavement out of anger.
I picked it up and found that the screen was flickering, had at least 20 cracks, the back was completely cracked, and the touch screen stopped working. I yelled at him, saying he sounded pathetic on the call and that he owed me a new screen or a new phone.
For context, this isn’t the first time Nick has destroyed one of my belongings. Last year, he spilled soda all over my power bank which cost me $60, but I let it go.
I told him I was leaving, dropping him off at his house, and he owed me.
During the car ride back home, he started swearing at me, saying I should’ve had his ex-partner blocked. I snapped and told him he only ever thinks about himself, and I’m always checking up on him, and I even forgave him after he messed up my power bank.
I then said that I didn’t owe him anything and that I shouldn’t have to block anyone because he was the one who messed up his relationship.
I dropped him off and went home. He told our friend group what happened and he “didn’t care” that he broke my phone.
I confronted him about this, and he said exactly that, and how I should drop it. I told him the only reason he wouldn’t pay me back was because he always spends his paychecks on fast food and bad habits as soon as he gets them.
I have a job and save my money, so I don’t think this was fair to me at all.
I have his mom’s number, so I called her and told her about how his ex called my phone and he broke it in anger.
She asked him about it and he said it was, and now she’s forcing him to not spend any of the money he gets at his job until he gives me the money to replace my phone.
Nick is angry at me, but I feel like I’ve taken enough nonsense from this guy.
Some of the other guys think I should’ve just given him a break.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – This guy is NOT your friend… if he acted like you were in the wrong and then refused to pay you back after he’s the one that destroyed your property, that highlights his character.
If you hadn’t told his mother, he almost definitely would’ve gotten away with it too, so good on you for taking that initiative.” DaveLevey78
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This guy is poison. Your friends who think you should’ve given him a break can pay for your phone if that’s their pleasure.” Austen-aficionado
Another User Comments:
“NTJ He broke the phone in a fit of temper so he can replace it and good on his mom for making him accountable.” IamMaggieMoo
8. AITJ For Being Upset That My Mom Drank A Special Drink Without My Permission?
“I (NB24) am currently living alone in the capital city of my country to finish graduate school.
My mom lives in my hometown, and although we have our ups and downs, we usually get along well.
To give a little context to the problem, a few months ago a friend from overseas came to visit me in my hometown, and as a souvenir, she gave me a good bottle native to her country.
I was excited to drink it but was hesitant to bring the bottle with me to my house because my apartment was a mess, so I left it at my mom’s place (my hometown). When leaving it I told my mom that the bottle was a very important present from a friend and to not drink it.
She told me okay and that was it.
Yesterday, when I came back for New Year’s I decided to have a sip and searched for the bottle. I did find the bottle, but it was already opened and about a fourth of the liquor inside was missing.
I asked my mom and she went “Oh yeah I did have some. It was horrible… I mean very strong lol”. When I told her that it was a present from an important friend, she replied with “Yeah, so? It’s not like I drank the whole thing” and returned to talking on the phone with a friend.
This made me not angry, but rather sad. I wanted her to at least ask if she wanted to have some, but for me the worst part is that she dared to say that it tasted horrible to my face. I knew that if I told her directly she would get angry, so I typed a message regarding how I felt and sent it via social media.
Not a second after, she yells my name from her room. Then I was told:
“Why are you so upset? I only drank a small portion”
“I’m your mother, I shouldn’t have to be asking for your permission”
“Do I not matter to you?
You’re acting as if I was some other random person”
“It was a present for YOU, right? Then what’s the problem?”
“You wanted to share it? You’re a liar, I know you would’ve just said no”
“You’re so dramatic, all because of a bottle of liquor/You’re egotistical for dwelling over material things”
I tried to be civil with her and told her that I wasn’t mad but I didn’t like the comment she made on the liquor and a small apology would be more than enough, as well as that because I loved her I didn’t want to feel like this with her.
She did not listen to a word I said, and ended her rant with “You just came home to stress me, didn’t you? I’m not going to read this” and deleted the passage I sent her trying to communicate my honest feelings in the most polite way I could.
Later after I went back to the living room crying my mom came out from hers and said “Even if you are in the right, don’t get on my nerves, please. It’s bad for my health” (she doesn’t have any serious health conditions by the way).
Even though it’s such a small and insignificant argument to have, I feel so sad for all of this, like I’m just a prop for her and don’t deserve basic respect. However, at the same time, I’m worried that I may be overreacting and that I should just let go.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But honestly, I feel like there is something else. The reactions from both of you seem out of proportion for what it is. A, “That’s messed up Mom,” and a “My bad,” are about how deep this needed to go.
I suspect there is more to your relationship with your mom than this.” Live_Studio_7658
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I hope you don’t mind me saying this but your Mum gives off huge narcissist vibes and I’d cut ties. I’m not using the word willy-nilly either, the things she said to you are emotional mistreatment and are similar to things people have said to me in the past. She shouldn’t be touching anything of yours without asking!
Rude all around” bebesilvia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and that was some horrible emotional mistreatment and a power play to cover guilt. You probably won’t get the apology, and I recommend never leaving anything precious with her ever, because all of what she said reeks of entitlement.
She crossed an agreed-upon boundary and then punished YOU for it. True colours are showing.” monsterdove
7. AITJ For Wanting To Use My Parents' Kitchen For My Food Business?
“I (18F) live with my parents. I attend university in 8 months. Meanwhile, I have a small food business, a hobby that my parents encouraged me to turn into a hustle
I use their kitchen 2-3 days a week, and I clear up in time for my parents’ return from work.
Yes, it’s all food safety ratified
Christmas was busy, and they were home more so saw me working most days. They started making comments about using ‘their space’ and my reliance on them as an entitled young adult, a leech, but when I sat them down to talk they told me they were joking and I needed to lighten up
I got a large order, warranting overtime, so I asked my parents if I could have the kitchen on a Friday evening, and the full next day. They agreed. The order was for Sunday
Friday evening I did not clear up as I was resuming in the morning.
It was clean, but it was messy. I made us dinner. The parents didn’t say anything about it
I awoke on Saturday to a busy house: we were having a party
I was told I had to help with the magnificent meal they had, on a whim, decided we were having.
I hurriedly cleared my equipment and was set to work. I also had to sit with family and friends for three hours to eat and play games
I cried several times from stress and had a panic attack so bad I nearly blacked out
I repeatedly begged my parents to reconsider.
They went from dismissing me to being actively angry. “It’s our home before it’s your workplace” Yes – but I asked weeks ahead of time if I could have it today, please, I have one day I have so much to do
I tried to leave the party early but was chastised for turning my back on family and being ‘rude’
When everyone left it was late and I, admittedly quite upset, asked my parents why. They were clear: I needed to be “taught a lesson about the real world”. At university, I will share a kitchen and won’t be able to ‘take over’ like this.
True, but I literally asked them for the space for this time and they agreed, am I dumb or should they have just said no if the answer was no? I would not have taken the order if they had said no
They told me I’m entitled, and I’m starting to think I am.
It’s their home and I’m demanding I use it. I pay bills but not rent, can run a food business without the kitchen expense, it’s an amazing opportunity. I should be grateful and I am, but am I pushing it? I’m autistic so it’s sometimes hard to read situations, but from my perspective, I asked and they answered and now I’m a jerk for believing them
“My house my rules” apparently supersedes prior agreements
They slept saying we would clear up in the morning, so I had to do a party’s worth of washing up to make the space workable again and all-nighters the last 8 hours of the order
Now I have horrible anxiety about the business.
Parents are saying that as it’s their kitchen they can take it back whenever they want and my fears are my fault for making assumptions
I’m ready for this to be a social faux pas on my part. Am I being an entitled jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are deliberately sabotaging your business. The impromptu party was a lesson, they do not support your cooking (But note, they made you cook for them…) So they do not support you. Perhaps seeing how well you cook makes them think they can take advantage of you, you can cook for them, but this won’t work if all your cooking gets sold to others.
So, when they destroy your business you will have to stay at home and be the delightful obedient daughter who cooks for the family. Congratulations on your successful business OP, I will say it because they won’t.” boredathome1962
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I wonder what your parents intend to accomplish by this manipulative behavior.
Don’t they want you to develop skills, make money, grow self-confidence and work on becoming self-reliant? It sounds like their goal is to control you no matter what. Many parents would be pleased to see their teenagers start a business and would support and encourage the efforts instead of undermining them.
I think it’s great that you have developed a small business. Maybe you can find another place to work – perhaps at a relative’s place? Good luck!” Paevatar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Other parents would be proud if their children started a successful business and go out of the way to support them when getting started. Your parents are major jerks.
Don’t rely on them and find other ways to keep your business going. Yes, they taught you a lesson, that you can’t rely on your parents at all.” Infamous_Ninja_6158
6. AITJ For Telling My Brother His Partner Is Taking Advantage of Him?
“Last year, I (39/F) had surgery and lost my job due to needing too much time off to heal. This all happened when I moved in with my partner of over two years.
He turned into a monster as soon as I moved in. He would scream at me and break things in the house. The police had to be called a few times. My brother (36/M) caught wind of what was going on and wanted me to move out, even though I was jobless and couldn’t afford a new place to live.
I moved in with my mom 4 hours away and started a small crafting business that helped with some bills while I tried to find a new job. In the end, I was without a job for a year. About halfway through, my mom, who has had a hard time dealing with my father’s passing, kind of lost it the night before we were supposed to visit his grave.
She started screaming at me to leave and not come back. Again, my brother rescued me and helped me bring my clothes and things I needed for my business to his house to stay in his spare bedroom. I stayed for a couple of days then left for about a month selling for my business and house-sitting for a friend.
When I got back to my brother’s house, his partner (38/F) would hardly talk to me (not that she’s ever been that outgoing, but this was obvious). When I cooked everyone dinner, she pretended to be sick. I helped clean up the house and stayed in my room because she made me feel so uncomfortable.
They have been together for about 6 years and she quit working around the time I lost my job because it was “too stressful” for her.
I had been there about 3 days when I mentioned how awkward things were. He told me she was purposely making me feel uncomfortable because she didn’t want me there.
She is estranged from her family, but mine is very close. I was really upset she would treat me like this after all the horrible things that had happened to me, especially when she is living for free at a house that my brother owned by himself.
After stewing for a couple of hours, I sent my brother a text message saying that he could do better than having someone who lives off of him, not working, using substances all day, and is mean to his family when they are in a terrible situation.
She read our texts and started banging on my door and screaming at me that I needed to be gone by 8 AM, so I left that night with nowhere to go. I didn’t scream back at her or say anything else to her. Fortunately, my mom let me come back home.
My mom and I are good now, but she does not want this girl around us or in a relationship with my brother. I finally got a job and moved out, but my brother is still mad at me over it. We are civil with each other when at my mom’s house for holidays and he answers when I call or text him.
My best friend (and my brother) thinks I’m in the wrong. I’m pretty hurt by this whole thing. I’m afraid he’ll become estranged from our family just like she is with hers. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“This one is hard. I would say NTJ or everyone sucks here.
You weren’t rude to her, you simply gave your opinion. Of course, he is with her and he chose her, and maybe there are different words you could have used, but he is with her at the end of the day. She doesn’t sound so nice, so maybe your brother will eventually see that, but for now, try to be nice to both of them.
You are his sister, so he won’t ever leave you and be there for you if you truly need it.” ThrowRA_camee
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. He helped you a few times, he was honest about what was going on with his partner, he let you be at his house and you feel entitled enough to criticize his relationship?
I mean, he already knows his partner, and he still chooses her, as he also knows how messed up you were and still made an effort to help you…” It-Wannabe21
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. That’s the partner’s home too regardless of who owns the house.
Did he even ask his partner or give her a heads-up before letting you move in? You sound like a train wreck, I don’t think it’s a coincidence you’re currently on the outs with your brother, his partner, and your best friend, and you’ve recently been on the outs with your mom.
You seem difficult to get along with…at best.” Bunnyprincess34
5. AITJ For Choosing My Partner's Family Over My Own For Christmas?
“My partner Ember (20F) and I (20M) went to her family for Christmas. We started seeing each other over 2 years ago and I met her family on their first visit to the college and they included me in lunch.
Ever since I have kept in regular contact with them and when they visit Ember, they make sure they spend some time with me as well. They are really awesome people and have made me feel so included. They even buy me gifts for my birthday and Christmas.
Ember and I moved in together in July and her family flew out to help us set up. They were so incredibly helpful to us and they invited us to Christmas dinner at that point. I say us but I really mean me since Ember goes to them anyway.
It meant so much to me and I immediately said yes.
My mom was bothered by it when I told her and she put pressure on me to change my mind and go “home” right up until Christmas. I always told her I was going to Ember’s family and never wavered or made this unclear to her.
She just assumed I would choose her anyway.
So there’s some background to this I should explain right here. I come from a “blended” family. I say “blended” because it really wasn’t very well blended lol. My mom had me and met my stepdad when I was 2 or 3.
He was a widower with a 6 and 8 year old. They got married. They also had two children together. My mom’s family was never part of my life. They were in and out of jail for various things so mom didn’t include them. I never knew my father or his family.
My stepdad’s family never saw me as one of their own. My stepsiblings had family from their mom’s side who were very involved too. And growing up I always felt very out of place and like I didn’t belong anywhere. My step and half siblings all had at least one set of grandparents who adored them and they had a great relationship with.
I had no extended family. My stepsiblings never saw me as their brother and were distant. I was around both stepdad’s family and his first wife’s family and I always felt awkward. I was overlooked. Any inclusion was lesser than full inclusion other kids in the family had.
I got it, especially with my stepsiblings’ family, but it would have been easier to stay at home. My mom never really got it or had much to say about it and my stepdad was never someone I felt I could talk to.
Anyway, going home was not something I felt good about because I normally had to see all these people who didn’t really want me.
Christmas 2022 was rough for that very reason. I loved my Christmas with Ember’s family though. Mom was so upset at me for choosing to go there instead of home. She said we’re not married yet and we’re still so young we should be with our own family for Christmas.
I told her I went there because I actually feel like I’m part of the family instead of being around a huge extended “blended” family where nobody really wants me. My mom told me that wasn’t fair and she always wants me and so do my siblings.
She told me I was saying things to be hurtful and that was unfair.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. Spend the holidays with those who will make you the most comfortable. It doesn’t sound like you were saying things to be hurtful, it sounds like you were being honest about something you haven’t been able to say out loud to her yet, and she just didn’t like that.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She pushed for a reason and you told the truth of how you feel. She may feel she wants you, but it’s the actions that you see. If you ever decide to have a conversation about this with her, point out the things they do and have done that make you feel unwanted or not part of the family.” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’d tell your mother that you aren’t trying to hurt her. This is how you truly feel. If she denies that and wants to keep her head in the sand nothing will change. She can’t ignore her way into reality being different.
Instead of blaming you it would be better if at least your mother understood where you are coming from and stopped going into denial as an attempt to pretend the problem doesn’t exist.” kurokomainu
4. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner's Kids In My Room?
“Been with my partner for 3 years. Was introduced to his 3 children 6 months or so ago. Great kids but all of them lack boundaries and it’s obviously a parental issue more so than their issue. They are 13(male), 12(female) and 8(male). The 2 younger ones have ADHD as well and are off the walls 24/7.
We started doing weekend sleepovers 2 months ago and it’s honestly been a nightmare. For no other reason outside of the fact that I literally have zero space to decompress because the kids follow me everywhere I go. They have no clue how to entertain themselves.
Given that they are literal children, I don’t blame them. But my one hard limit is the kids being in my room. I don’t like anyone in my bedroom. That’s my private space. But there have been multiple times when I have been in the bedroom and one or all of the kids will come in and just take over my bed completely.
Laying down with their tablets. Or if I’m watching TV in there, more often than not they will come in and take over my TV or just talk 24/7 so I can’t focus on anything other than them and their questions. Even though usually when I do watch TV in my room, it’s because they have taken over the TV in the living room and there’s no place to sit.
I’ve told my partner I don’t want anyone in my room and that it makes me uncomfortable but it’s almost as if he thinks it doesn’t apply to his children because just days after telling him this, he and I were watching a movie around 7pm (when the kids have their downtime and had a movie on for themselves in the living room) and all of his kids came into my room and immediately climbed into my bed so I was stuck in a 2ft square in my own space because I couldn’t move otherwise.
That and they bring their tablets with them. So I’m trying to watch a movie and all 3 of them have their tablets on my bed with the volume up and I have never been so overstimulated in my life. And it happens all the time.
If we are in my room, they are too. If we are in the kitchen, they follow us. If we go outside, they are right behind us (but we can’t get them to go outdoors by themselves).
Yesterday I had a terrible day (family stuff).
My partner had his kids over and I was just needing space away from their chaos. I said I was going to my bedroom to get time alone. My partner comes in maybe 20 minutes later to check on me and not even 2 minutes following that, his kids are in my room and on my bed. The youngest doing flips and moving the bed from the wall.
I told them to get out 6 times before they listened. My partner said they just want to be around us and I said I don’t care. My bedroom is off-limits from this point forward. He said he doesn’t think he can do that because he enjoys having his kids near him and doesn’t want to shut them out and asked me to reconsider or “make a schedule” of when they could be in my room with us.
I refuse. He says I’m being unreasonable and that by being with a single parent, I need to learn compromise.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you have a partner problem, not a kid problem. Your partner isn’t respecting your boundaries and you aren’t enforcing them.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to be able to request your bedroom be a kid free zone for several hours. At the very least the kids should be required to knock and ask for permission before entering, that’s just common courtesy and they’re old enough to understand.
Unless your partner is willing to work with you I think you may have a difficult decision to make.” Ornery-Process
Another User Comments:
“Changing to NTJ with the new information that this is YOUR house not a shared one. He’s right that if you’re serious with someone who has kids, you’re going to need to compromise (I’m assuming it’s his bedroom too?).
But he’s also not asking you to compromise, he’s asking you to completely sacrifice your bedroom as a personal space. You two are not compatible. Time to move on.” yourlittlebirdie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Setting boundaries is healthy and necessary for all children.
It doesn’t matter if they’re your own kids or your partner’s kids. They have to learn respect for other people’s physical and emotional sovereignty. Your partner is the jerk here. You may be irreparably incompatible due to this. He refuses to take ownership of his responsibilities of parenting his children.
He refuses to respect your needs. That’s certainly not someone I would want to be with.” BaronsDad
It's fine to not want to parent children, and not unreasonable to reject a relationship with a single parent on the grounds that you do not want to share your home with children. The fact that this man and his children are invading YOUR home and spreading themselves all over it is a very bad sign. Dump him and find someone who understands that women are people, not interchangable domestic servants.
3. AITJ For Telling My MIL She Won't Be Seeing My Baby After She Hijacked My Baby Shower?
“My husband and I are expecting our first child. We moved to be closer to his family.
I’m no contact with mine.
My mother-in-law has been referring to the baby as “her” baby this entire time. She will say things like “I can’t wait for my baby to be born.” “My baby is going to be so loved.” This rubs me the wrong way for reasons I cannot explain, but my husband tells me to ignore her.
My MIL wanted to throw me a baby shower and invite her friends. She said they made an agreement a long time ago that they would celebrate each other’s kids’ weddings and births. My husband and I eloped and declined a reception for her friends since we don’t know them.
My MIL told me that I owed it to her to let her throw the baby shower since I hurt her friends’ feelings by not having wedding reception. I asked if I could invite my friends, and she said no, that this was for her friends, and that if my friends wanted to throw me a shower they could.
I reluctantly agreed.
My husband and I spent hours on our registry, and my MIL asked for it so she could share with her friends. She said she forwarded the registry on. She asked me what design I wanted on my cake and cookies. I told her flowers because I am decorating the nursery in a garden theme.
At the shower they provided me with a “mother-to-be” sash and my MIL a “granny-to-be” sash to wear. I noticed that the theme of the shower was circus animals. The cake had an elephant and balloons on it, and the cookies were animals. At first I thought that maybe the floral theme was just too difficult, so I rolled with it until it was time to open presents.
Every present was some sort of circus animal. Onesies, blankets, toys – nothing on my registry. I was a little confused and even went so far to check my registry to make sure I hadn’t goofed up and changed everything. I thanked everyone for their gifts and tried to sound as gracious as possible, but I was so confused.
My husband, who is a little less tactful than I am, showed up at the end of the shower and noticed the theme right away. He goes “what’s up with all the circus animals?” He looks at the presents and says, “This isn’t what we asked for.” Then he looked at his mom and goes “MOM.
What did you do?”
She smiled and said, “I didn’t like the theme you chose for my baby. I’m going to decorate my baby’s nursery at my house with circus animals, so I created a registry for myself.” My husband said, “YOU DID WHAT?” She says, “My baby is going to need a room at my house so I threw a shower for myself.”
I lost my composure and told her that she would not see MY baby and to stop calling the baby hers, and my husband told his mom that she’s delusional if she thinks we’re going to allow this. She started crying and said we are just withholding her baby from her.
We’ve been getting texts from his family since the shower, calling us selfish and ungrateful and saying we ruined her joy of being a grandma.
Are we the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ make sure if she has keys to your home locks are changed. Make sure you invest in security cameras.
Let the hospital know your mil is to be nowhere near your baby. Let them know you and your husband are the only two that fill out any paperwork. Honestly, no contact from the start away she has no grandparent’s visitation case. Document every creepy thing she does.
Call your dr and tell your pediatrician at the time to password-protect your medical information. Your mil is unhinged and this has hands that rock the cradle vibes.” Wonderful-Set6647
Another User Comments:
“NTJ This is very disturbing behaviour..deranged in fact. If you & your husband ever do relent & let her glimpse the baby, I know you will never let him or her out of your sight & that nursery will NEVER be used. I’m not usually alarmist, but please ensure you have security cameras installed in and around your home.
Also that MIL has no keys. Change the locks if need be. Congratulations to you & your husband on your baby, hope all goes well.” Apart-Ad-6518
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Because she said she was going to throw you a baby shower, and asked you the theme, then went and disregarded it all.
And for all those people crying about denying a child a grandparent, it is obvs MIL didn’t want to be grandma, but Mom. So no, she is not denying a child a grandparent, the grandparent denied the grandchild one.” Trainrot
2. AITJ For Inviting My Dad on a Cruise That His SO Couldn't Attend?
“My dad (61M) and I (31F) were out getting a drink together when my dad told me about a Northern European cruise. He said he wanted to go but his significant other is unable to leave her dog for long periods (a senior dog who refuses to eat if she’s not home).
He thought I might want to take a look at it.
I did and it was a darn good deal for visiting countries I’ve always wanted to see. But you have to get two tickets to get the deal. I tried inviting friends but no one was able to afford it or get the time off.
So I asked my dad if he would be interested in going. This was quite literally something we had talked about doing when I was a teenager so it seemed too perfect. He said to give him some time to ask his significant other if it was ok and time went on.
A week or so later he called me to say that it looked like he could go, most excellent. And so planning for excursions and whatnot begins.
Then another week later I was picking him up for a doctor’s appointment and he told me that his significant other changed her mind.
She didn’t want him to go on a trip that she wanted to go on but couldn’t and said that couples don’t take vacations separately and if he went then they’d have to reconsider their relationship.
Which can I just say, what the heck?
Over the next couple of weeks, I would get texts from my dad about how he’s been trying to calm her down or discuss it which makes it sound like tensions are rising in their household which makes me feel guilty for instigating it.
So now I’m hurt, upset and feeling guilty so I decided to call it off and cancel the trip. I told my dad that I cancelled it and I guess he told her and now she’s crying and I’m crying and this is all just so darn stupid.
I don’t understand why it bothers me so much, if I had any acting ability this would be amazing because now I can cry on cue just thinking about the situation. I made that joke to my dad and I’m regretting it because now and then he brings it up just for me to start crying just to see if it still works.
For Christmas he got me a suitcase… and it took everything I had to smile and be respectful and say thank you because I couldn’t tell if it was intentional or not.
And then when he and his significant other dropped me off at my place and I was taking it out of the trunk he asked if the gift made me happy or sad and I just started to cry again.
Which freaked out my dad’s significant other because I never cried and she didn’t hear what he said. I just rushed into my apartment and I haven’t talked to him since.
He invited me to meet up today to get food so I’m going to ask him what the heck all that was about.
It’s just wild to me that all this is from a darn vacation.
So AITJ for inviting my dad on a cruise?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your Dad’s significant other is the real jerk. I’m sorry this has been difficult, she has put your dad in such a horrible spot.
Couples absolutely can travel separately, especially if it’s a trip with your kid Edit – your dad bringing this up periodically to make you cry is incredibly concerning behaviour. He’s a huge jerk for that” jrm1102
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – so is your Dad never to go on vacation because of her pet?
That is ridiculous. It’s the perfect opportunity for a dad/daughter bonding moment. Yes, couples can go on vacation without each other. Some people can’t be happy for others – she’s grounded due to her pet so in her mind your Dad must be too.
That’s just selfish.” RLS2023
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ!!! It’s completely okay and normal for a parent and their kid to go on a trip together, it would be a wonderful bonding time for you both. The significant other is insecure and controlling. It also seems like your dad is having a hard time trying to navigate the situation.
I’m sorry this is happening, that’s so upsetting and you have every right to be upset, angry and confused. I think anyone would get overwhelmed with this much back and forth” Limp-Sorbet4397
1. AITJ For Not Meeting My Friend's Expectations Due to My Busy Life?
“I (39f) have been friends with Mary (38f) since we were teens. We’ve travelled together, worked together, I was her bridesmaid.
In 2020 me, Mary and our partners and my baby would see each other for a few hours every couple of weeks at my house. It was nice and something to look forward to when 3/4 of us were out of work. I knew she was fond of having a couple to hang out with that they were both compatible with, and this was the first time when that consistently occurred as a 4 for us.
Since then, she had a baby, I had a 2nd baby, who was rushed for surgery day 1 of life, and into ICU 2.5 hours from home. My partner and I bought an old house and have been renovating it fully, doing a lot of the work ourselves.
A year ago Mary told me she felt lonely some days and was sad we didn’t hang out as a 4 often now, that I didn’t always reply to her messages promptly, left her on read (her messages can be really long) and she was offended I left her out of a lunch I had with a mutual friend.
I thought she was busy that day and we met for lunch on a whim, no prior planning.
I apologised and explained I love her and she means so much to me, but it’s busy having 2 kids and planning a reno. My baby had also been back to the ICU.
I said I would try harder and I was glad she came to me, and I hoped in the future if she was upset, she could talk to me.
Life got busier, different schedules made it hard to make arrangements as a 4. Even just meeting with kids ourselves was tricky with naps/she doesn’t drive.
Last year we only saw each other a handful of times and they were mostly with one/two other people and kids, and she was notably glum every time, every time I saw her she would tell me how stressed she was. I sent a text after one meetup asking if she would consider talking to her GP about stress and she ignored me.
She actually took offense to a couple of things I said during these meets and last summer told our mutual friend (lunch friend) how I didn’t care about her and I was an awful friend. Lunch friend tipped me off as she didn’t agree with Mary, she asked me for my side of a few interactions, I sent her text exchanges between me and Mary where I had set boundaries that Mary seemed fine with.
When confronted, Mary doubled down on how I didn’t care and seemed really fixated on meeting up as a 4 even though I had listed so many barriers to meeting up freely like we used to. We met to talk before Xmas and I explained I wasn’t trying to put distance between us, life happens.
She messaged me yesterday saying she was upset we were not back on track meeting as 4. I said I didn’t want to do that/set a precedent and suggested we meet by ourselves with kids. She got really angry and said some hurtful things. I feel I set a clear boundary and offered an alternative way to see each other, but after that, she accused me of cutting her out of my life, dissatisfied with meeting up just us and the kids.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You guys are incompatible in your expectations and your friendship styles. She’s not allowing your friendship to change and mature. But – people change. Circumstances change. You have a young family. You have a child with health issues. You’re busy.
A good friend will allow a friendship to grow with you. Let this one go. You can’t be what she wants, and you shouldn’t have to. She is unable to empathize with the ways your life has changed. I call those kind of people ‘self-centric.’” molly_menace
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…it seems this is all about what Mary wants and needs. Have you ever been invited to her home? When she suggests meet-ups, is it always then at your home? Sounds like Mary is the type of friend who takes rather than gives.
Has she ever asked about your child who has been ill? This might be one of the friendships that is more work for you than it is worth.” Worth-Season3645
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