People Wonder "Am I The Jerk" In These Controversial Situations

Nobody wants to be seen as a jerk, however, as we all know, sometimes certain situations deem it appropriate for us to be a little assertive or even "mean." If we were pushovers all the time, we'd get continuously walked over by other people. Over time, that would certainly eat away at us. There is a fine line, though, between defending ourselves or doing what we believe is right and being a straight-up jerk. But not every situation is easy for us to determine if we were, in fact, being a jerk. Sometimes it's not until long after the event that we wonder, "Wow, was I a bad person for doing that or for saying that to them?" Read on and let us know who you think the jerk is. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk YTJ = You're the jerk

20. AITJ For Ending My Sister's Marriage And Pregnancy?

“I (m32) have two older brothers (m38 and m40) and a sister (f34). Note the age differences. Our dad passed away 5 years ago in our hometown (a more suburban town in Wisconsin).

Our family was relatively modest when my brothers grew up, so they were cared for a lot by my parents’ families who are very conservative. My dad, personally, was not. By the time me and my sister were born, our dad’s career was doing great and we were well off.

Me and my sister have a Master’s while our brothers didn’t go to college despite the funds and chances.

My mom had been trying to set my sister up with a churchgoer’s kid. This didn’t progress until around the time my dad died, and my sister came back and helped with the funeral. My brother’s families are both in town as well. I worked in tech in China then and live in SF now and since the funeral has been mostly LC with everyone except my sister.

Honestly, I was very close with my dad, and there was obvious favoritism towards me which the others didn’t like. So, my mom and oldest brother now technically live in my house.

My sister somehow ended up leaving her career and moving back. She married the man my mom set her up with in 2019. I honestly was in shock at the wedding. I really didn’t ever see my sister living on a farm and becoming a stay-at-home mom.

I knew for a fact my mom and brothers had a huge part in this because there were a lot of “she’s back home” posts. Later I found out that she had pretty much given all her savings to her husband.

Late 2020, my sister, straight out of the blue started calling me and just “chatting” about things. I, of course, love this. Early in 2021, my mom told me she was pregnant.

I immediately asked my sister about this, and she kinda broke down. In short, the husband has been abusive, she’s broke, and my family and her in-laws haven’t helped. My oldest brother wailed at her about how his wife went through the same thing, and my sister should stop thinking she’s special. The first time she called me, he had kicked her out of their home for complaining about their finances.

This was fairly common.

This is where I think I was the jerk: I basically yelled at her too. I told her that she had a career which she can still go back to, and I can help her move back to NYC (where she worked/studied before). And that the pregnancy wasn’t the end of it, and there were other options.

The next day, she asked me for 5k, which I sent to her without asking.

I didn’t hear much after and didn’t intrude because it was a total mind twist. A month later, my sister told me she had gotten a new job in NYC and filed for divorce. The pregnancy is also no longer on the table.

Now my family has been blowing up my social media calling me all sorts of names. I’ve in general called them crap back as well, and the home might be on the market soon.

My sister needed to switch apartments and got a restraining order against her ex, and well… things aren’t great, but I’m happy my sister is better. So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“Oh my goodness, NTJ! You saved your sister’s life, and I’m so sorry that you have to deal with a family like that!

Listen, I’m sorry to say this, but you have to distance yourself away from your mother and brothers.

Go full no contact. They obviously don’t care about the well-being of their own, and your brother is possibly being harmful towards his wife in some way, just to guess.

They will probably try to harass your sister. Guilt her, blame her, make her feel like she is the epitome of the worst thing because she didn’t go and fit into their old fashioned views of a woman getting married, having babies, and being the picture of a domestic housewife who lets the men make all of the decisions, while she sits back in the background and looks pretty.” LadyAnput

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

In fact, you and the sister are the only non-jerks here.

You did what FAMILY does- you gave your sister good advice, encouraged her to find the best situation for herself, and helped her get back on her feet in a time of need. If you ‘yelled’ at her, it was just giving her a push in the right direction, because that’s obviously what happened.

Your parents and siblings and her husband did not act like family, so I won’t call them that.

Your relatives treated her like crap. Your mom, brothers, BIL, and everybody else is not treating her like family. Screw them.

And you are not ‘responsible’ for what she did. She’s a grown woman; she made her own choices. You just reminded her that those choices exist and that she’s capable of making them. If others don’t approve of her choices, that’s not your problem.

Furthermore, it seems that she’s much happier now, and everybody else is/was pushing her back to a situation where she was UNhappy.

So no, you’re not the jerk for telling your sister to leave her broke, abusive man and resume her lucrative career.” SirEDCaLot

11 points (11 votes)
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StumpyOne 5 months ago
NOT THE JERK. you're a hero. So grateful you were there for her, so grateful she got out safe. Best wishes to you both! <3
3 Reply

19. AITJ For Giving My Fiance An Ultimatum About Inviting His Sister To Our Wedding?

“My sister-in-law and I have never got along. She’s the kind of person to always do things at the expense of others. She’s the kind of person to say or do something hurtful but then claim it’s a joke.

For example, some time ago, I had bought a bag. My sister-in-law was always saying how she’s jealous that I have that bag. She kept joking about how she’ll throw her drink on it because if she can’t have nice things, then I can’t either.

At some point, she actually threw her drink on my bag, totally ruining it.

Another time at my birthday party, I was wearing a red velvet vintage dress which used to be my mother’s. It has sentimental value. Throughout the whole party, my sister-in-law kept joking about how she’d throw me in the pool with the chlorine and ruin my dress. She then told me not to worry and that she was joking.

I was on guard about this and so was my fiancé. She actually caught me off guard at some point and tried to throw me into the pool, but my friend pulled me, and I didn’t fall.

I want to clarify that in every single situation, my fiancé has fought with her and defended me. After she tried that stunt with the dress and the pool, he gave her a warning that the next time she does something like that, she’s out of our lives.

She insisted she’s just joking.

Now, she is joking that she will wear white to our wedding, and she might “accidentally” throw her drink on my wedding dress. Having had enough of her “jokes,” I told my fiancé she’s no longer invited and that I can’t trust her since she always jokes but then goes along with her plan. He reassured me she wouldn’t do it this time because he gave her a warning.

I told her I can’t trust her, and I don’t feel comfortable with her there. He then got mad that I implied his sister is not in our wedding.

He told me, “Do you hear yourself? She’s my sister, and you expect me to uninvite her just like that?” I told him I have valid reasons, and he thinks she won’t do it again. I told her that I won’t get through with the wedding unless he agrees to uninvite his sister.

He believes I’m the jerk for giving him an ultimatum. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This will be an interesting test of your fiance’s readiness for marriage. She vandalized your belongings and assaulted you, and he’s ready to still invite her because he “talked” with her? I feel for him. I suspect that he’s grown up in a family that sort of brainwashed him into minimizing her behavior, but that doesn’t mean you need to marry into this.

Does he expect you to go to every family dinner carrying a knife? Do you want to marry into a family like this?

Sit him down and read through these comments and see if it breaks him out of the fog.” capmanor1755

Another User Comments:
“I feel like when you reach the point of issuing an ultimatum, there are already a host of unresolved issues in your relationship leading up to this point.

You have every reason to believe his sister will do something crappy at your wedding. She has a clear history of bad behavior toward you, and your fiance’s “warnings” haven’t done jack crap because she knows there are no real consequences for her actions.

Have you asked your fiance what he’ll do when his sister does something bad at your wedding? Will he throw her out? Will he cut her off? What is the boundary? Are any of the scenarios things we want to risk on your wedding day?

But I’m concerned about this being a symptom of larger issues.

She ruins (and tries to ruin) your property out of jealousy. Why doesn’t he take that seriously? Will he ever really be on your side over his family? Yes, he yelled at her but then he keeps putting you in these situations for her to come after you. You have to constantly be on your guard when she’s there. Is this how you’ll have to live your life?

NTJ but I’m concerned your fiance doesn’t take his sister’s behavior more seriously.” The_Krudler

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, BUT –

Tell your fiancé that if he’s so sure she will not do anything, he can bet his marriage on it because you won’t be trapped in a family that defends her at your expense.

She’s already proven her character multiple times, so going no contact later won’t change your mind. Now is the time to make his choice.

If she shows up wearing white, you walk out of the church. If she throws her drink on you or does something else to ruin your reception, you leave and file for an annulment the next day.

Tell him the ball is in his court.

Invite her if he is sure she won’t ruin your wedding day, but he won’t have a wife if she does.

She’s going to show up either way, and if she’s uninvited, she will show up angry and definitely do something to disrupt your wedding. At least this way, maybe your husband or someone in his family will do something to keep her under control.” jverity

10 points (10 votes)
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juro 5 months ago
Do not marry him. He will never support you. He has ALREADY chosen her over you.
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18. AITJ For Yelling At My Video Game Obsessed Wife?

“My wife (F33) is a big nerd, which I normally appreciate, but she is taking things way too far today. She took today off of work, so she could be up at 4 AM to play her online game at launch. I didn’t wake up until about an hour ago (10:30 and she was still playing. I mentioned that I was hungry, hoping we could make breakfast together, which we like to do together.

She instead said that I should “order us something from DoorDash; I’m in the middle of a dungeon and may be awhile.” I didn’t really wanna get takeout, because we had already discussed ordering pizza tonight for dinner, and that’s a lot of take-out food in one day. I calmly explained this, and she got angry and shrieked at me that she just wanted one weekend to focus on her video game.

I said that it was unfair to our family for her to isolate all weekend, and she got even more mad, telling me that I have two hands and can feed the gosh darn cat. I was in tears at this point, and I did raise my voice and said that I was worried she’s obsessed with this game, and maybe she needs professional help. She threw her car keys at me and said that I need to get out of her face, that she works all the time and doesn’t ask for much, and I need to leave her be and get out of her face for a few hours.

I am truly concerned that she has become obsessed with this online game, and I’m hoping that maybe reading this thread will wake her up to it, but I might’ve been the jerk too.”

Another User Comment:
“Dude, she isn’t obsessed with a game. A lot of people wake up early/stay up late for the launches of games; it’s not unusual. It sounds like you’re just mad that she’s not cooking for you and that you have to feed yourself and the cat.

When you mention you like to make breakfast together; how much do you do in that? I also call bullcrap on the “calmly explained and she freaked out and went hysterical” portion of this. Chances are, you whined about it, and she got annoyed. And do you have kids? Because if you don’t, and it’s just you two and the cat, then how is playing a game for a few hours “unfair?” If she works all the time, and this is her way to unwind, let her.

She’s not hurting anyone, and you are a grown adult capable of taking care and entertaining yourself. I also see that she said the dungeon might take a few hours, not 2-3 days. You didn’t want this thread to “wake her up;” you just wanted validation from strangers online about your whining. YTJ.” No_Departure_654

Another User Comment:
“YTJ. You mention in another comment that the last time she did this was over two years ago.

So every couple of years, your wife wants a weekend to herself. That is not unreasonable.

What is unreasonable is that even after she made it very clear she wanted to be left alone, you insisted on continually inserting yourself until she snapped at you, after which you immediately took on the victim role and turned it into a major argument. Almost like that’s exactly what you wanted.

Gee, I wonder why she needs a weekend to herself now and then…” suffragette_citizen

Another User Comment:
“YTJ.

I know the game you’re talking about. Final fantasy 14: Endwalker.

The biggest launch to date for that mmo, and it was delayed for 2 weeks. Everyone has been excited for it and incredibly patient. Millions of people wake up at 3 am (4 for you, I guess) to try and log in to experience the joy of the launch.

These are big events in the gaming community. Missing it for her would be like missing a major playoff for a sporting event of your interest. Devastating, right?

Dungeons right now are hard to get groups for. The servers have massive queues and it’s an exciting time nonetheless.

She took time off to enjoy the experience- my husband did too. Her free time doesn’t translate into availability for you.

She’s right. You are able to feed yourself. If you don’t want take out, cook something. Or are you so incapable of basic survival skills without your wife present that you will wither away?

When was the last time she took time to herself? Have you ever taken a trip with your friends or done anything without the wife? Cause if you have – NO MORE! It’s unfair to your family!

If you think she’s obsessed and needs help because she’s asking for two days – one single weekend – to do what she wants to do, then, sweetie, you’re the one who needs help. She’s entitled to do what she wants to do sometimes.

She’s not obsessed. You’re jealous and controlling. Check yourself and respect her interests!” TinyGloom

9 points (9 votes)
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Leap1234 5 months ago
YATJ... she took the day off work, yet it is the weekend.. you woke up at 10:30 (ffs 10:30 half the day is gone) walk out and say you're hungry and expect her yo drop everything because you're hungry, say something about family but only mention a cat , not sure if you have kids or not (because you did not deem them worth mentioning) but if you did that means your wife has already been looking after the kids gor hours... not only are you the jerk but you are a self entitled one at that...
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17. AITJ For Telling My Cousin That It's His Fault His Adult Daughter Isn't As Successful As Her Friends?

“My (28F) second cousin (53M) has been going on and on nonstop lately to the rest of our family about how disappointing his daughter (24F) is for not being “a real adult” and being a lot less successful than her friends.

My cousin has a group of friends his age, whose children his daughter grew up with, and their kids have all been close friends with his daughter forever.

My cousin strongly believes children shouldn’t receive any help from their parents in life once they turn 18 and that parents have no responsibilities once their kids are legal, so he cut his daughter off on her 18th birthday and refused to pay for her college or anything, even though he had plenty of savings for it. She’s going to a state school and still lives with multiple roommates in a crappy apartment after graduating, and she has an average job.

She has no savings or investments since she’s paying off tens of thousands in student debt.

Meanwhile, all of her friends who she grew up with (my cousin’s friends’ kids) had good parents who paid for their college and helped them financially, and they’re all vastly more successful than his daughter. They went to high-ranking colleges since their parents were actually supportive financially, graduated debt-free, and they all have well-paying jobs now.

They’re all living in nice lofts without roommates and are starting to do “adult things” like putting down mortgages on homes. Most of them have a lot of savings and investments already since they have no student debt.

My cousin is furious with his daughter since she’s in crippling debt and still has roommates, and he always hears from his friends about all the great things their kids are doing.

He calls her his greatest disappointment and a failure, and they aren’t talking because they hate each other. He constantly whines about what a “useless child” he has.

I told him to just shut the heck up already. If he wanted his daughter to be successful, he would’ve been a good parent and financially supported her. He clearly wanted her to fail, so he can’t play the victim now that she’s doing much worse in life than all his friend’s kids.”

Another User Comments:
“At 24, she has:

  • graduated college (and I find literally nothing subpar about attending a state college, went to one myself)
  • is gainfully employed
  • is responsibly paying their debts (may I please place a wager that while he cut her off because she needed to stand on her own 2 feet, he also didn’t stop claiming her on his taxes to get the income credit, preventing her from applying for grants?)
  • lives independently from him

At 53, he is:

  • still weighing his own success on the shoulders of his child, and
  • defines their success to “the Joneses,” when the Joneses actually gave a crap about their kid and gave them a massive leg up.

    He didn’t even provide boots with soles.

I don’t know. I’m feeling like one out of two listed above is actually doing great and is an absolute success, especially after surviving a dad like that.

Oops, did I give it away?

NTJ, and your cousin should see this thread to know how great they’re doing, and how many people are rooting for her.” Tralfamadorians_go

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were honest.

NO ONE her age would be doing well without family support. Cutting your child off at 18 for no good reason is ridiculous and cruel. It’s one thing if you simply don’t have the funds and have other kids to take care of, but if he had the funds and simply refused to give it to her out of spite, what the heck did he expect?

Does he not understand that his friends’ kids all got help and she did not? Does he really think that what he did was normal?

I hope the rest of your family is in touch with her and is at least emotionally supportive.

Your cousin is terrible. Tell him so, tell him so often, and then tell him again.” bettytomatoes

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this is exactly why I choose to help my niece with a used car when no one else in the family would do anything. No way am I going to let her waste her opportunity because she can’t get transportation to her school, her part-time job, the extracurricular stuff she does at school to support her major, even the fun events so she can enjoy her time there as well.

She’s an adult, so while I’ve taught her what I could about being safe and smart, I told her that I trust her judgment and that if she made mistakes, I hope that she can learn from them and that if she needs any kind of help, I’ll support/help her to the best of my abilities too.

While I’m not rich or have extra savings set aside by any means, this will help her, and frankly, even if she tried and failed, it doesn’t matter. What does is that she was given an opportunity and she took it, and so far, she’s doing great.” Kumashirosan

8 points (8 votes)
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StumpyOne 5 months ago
NTJ. He's a prick. His daughter is going to be twice as successful and appreciate life more. Good for her not giving up <3
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16. AITJ For Refusing To Take On A Traditional Politician Wife's Role?

“My husband, after a decade of being a lawyer, has decided to enter into local politics. We live in a medium-sized town that used to be more of a retirement community but is quickly becoming more and more occupied with young, growing families, and the balance of ideas and morals are starting to change to fit that new demographic. Our town mayor is retiring after running and winning unopposed for the last 13 and a half years.

He was beloved, but he’s been dealing with memory and health issues for the last couple of years, and his town selectmen were largely running things, which wasn’t very good. My husband has decided to run for mayor.

I don’t want him to. It would mean leaving a job that pays him mid-six figured to a job that pays mid-five figures and isn’t even steady. There’s no guarantee he’d win another term, if he even wins this campaign, and then he’d be out of a job.

When he got his job with his law firm a decade ago, he was right out of school, he’d worked a couple of years in the DA’s office, there was a shortage of young blood in his firm. A decade later with all the new, young lawyers at the firm, he’d have a hard time getting rehired. And, the other law firm in town is the rival firm, he’s run many cases against them, I doubt they’d hire him.

My husband is on the partner track; it’s very likely he’d be made a partner next year, which means a significant raise. I think of all we could do for our children with that extra salary; college would suddenly not be an issue, all the opportunities for them to succeed, we’d be set for retirement one day, we could pay off our cars and mortgages.

He resigned from his firm a couple of days ago and is officially launching his mayoral campaign.

He doesn’t have any sponsors yet, no donations coming, so all that flow is coming right out of our savings. He’s asked me to hop on the campaign trail and help him by being the traditional campaign wife. He wants to use our children (3, 6, and 9) in order to make him look like the young, energetic guy. I’ve refused on principal and also for the use of our children.

I don’t support his run, and I refuse to hypocrite myself and allow our children to be used simply because they’re young and cute.

My husband is very upset and says I’m trying to sabotage his dreams. He claims I’ve always known he’s public-minded and that I’m deliberately trying to hurt his goals. It’s true he’s always been interested in social justice and activism, but he’s never expressed a desire to enter politics.

I don’t know why he’s doing this, and I hate it. Everyone is against me and is acting like I’m trying to tank his run simply by not helping and allowing the kids to help.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The way your situation reads it sounds as if you don’t want him to run mainly for financial reasons only. Your husband is ambitious, courageous, and has faith in himself.

All these qualities allowed him to be a successful lawyer, so why wouldn’t he be successful in politics? You can support while expressing your concerns and fears ask for concrete plans to secure a future for the family. Not supporting your husband’s dreams could be a big mistake as he may find someone who will and leave you with the children or worse resent for the rest of his life for holding him back.

He’s done right by you and his family, and now it’s time for you to do your part. This isn’t worth potentially breaking up your family for, so put your big girl panties on and play your role with a happy face for your husband cause you love him if not for nothing else. He has and always will take care of you and your kids; have a little faith.

Pray for strength, and give your fears to God. Control what you can control, and your husband is going to do it regardless of your kicking and screaming based on what you said, so make the best of it.” PathA2020MLS2007

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You two had an agreement about the division of household responsibilities and a change to that needs discussion and compromise. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t run for mayor, but maybe it means he does, but you agree to only attend one campaign event per month, or maybe he asks his firm for a leave of absence until the election is over rather than quitting.

He’s quitting his job to jump into campaigning and expecting it to be a family project, without your support. That’s not how spouses should operate. It is the equivalent of you as a SAHM suddenly deciding not only to get a job but to get a high-travel job and announcing that he is now responsible for all childcare. A major change like that needs to be worked out between both partners.” Spallanzani333

Another User Comments:
“This is actually something I know a LOT about since I’m an attorney in a very political firm in a mid-sized city.

I’ve worked on a lot of campaigns, go to tons of fundraisers, and feel qualified to say that your husband is INSANE, or he is lying to you. NTJ.

HE QUIT HIS JOB? Before his campaign even launched?! Without tapping into his firm for support? Does he have a campaign finance committee? NO ONE has written him a check yet? Does he have any local movers and shakers on his side? Any polls showing that the incumbent is particularly vulnerable or the challengers weak? How much of his own money is he planning on putting towards this venture? Will he be tapping into his retirement or savings?

WHY DID HE QUIT HIS JOB? Usually, firms let candidates stay on in a reduced capacity and make funds off of the publicity. If he couldn’t come to an agreement with his firm, why not? What ARE his plans if (when) he loses?

Running for office is hard and EXHAUSTING, win or lose. I don’t blame you for being reticent.” Starchasm

6 points (6 votes)
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ang 5 months ago
It would be one thing if he had mentioned political ambitions all along and you had agreed to it. That doesn't seem to be the case. Quitting his job and switching to a risky career track with at least a major pay cut and possibly no income at all was a very bad move. I'd be mad as hell. In fact, I'd be wondering whether he quit or was fired. However, it's done. If you and the kids do not support his campaign, that is a huge black mark against him in politics and he will probably lose, leaving him with no job and no income. Could he make an arrangement with his former firm to take him back if he loses, or maybe after one term if he wins? Could you and the kids show up at one or two campaign events per week?
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15. AITJ For Getting My Mother A More Expensive Gift Than My Wife?

“I (30m) have a pretty big family, and we recently celebrated Christmas on Thanksgiving because everyone would be together. I got my mother (55F) a gift card for those eyelash extensions that women have been getting lately. It was quite expensive and should apparently last her about a year including ‘refill’ appointments. My mom has very thin hair on her head and eyebrows and eyelashes, and it is something she has always been insecure about.

My dad (60m) thought it would be a good idea as a gift as well.

Well, when she opened it, she was very happy and thankful, but my wife (28), however, seemed annoyed with the gift, but I thought it was because it was expensive. Later that night, she confessed that she had seen the gift card and assumed that it was for her. She was upset because apparently she also wanted to have fake lashes and was upset that I had given the gift card to ‘an old woman’ and not to her.

I told her she can still go get her eyelashes done, but she thinks it’ll look like she’s trying to copy my mother. I told her that it wasn’t that big of a deal, and she was being dramatic. She told me that she thought I knew her better and would know what she wanted. I got her an air fryer because she specifically asked for one, but apparently, that wasn’t enough.

She told me that it was embarrassing that I got my mom a more expensive gift than I got her. Now she is wanting me and my dad to convince my mom not to get the lashes because she’s ‘too old’ to be doing stuff like that. AITJ here?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your wife is being quite cruel. DO NOT back down on this with your wife, and do not let your wife bully your poor mother into not getting eyelash extensions.

That’s absolutely ridiculous. You got your wife a great gift she literally ASKED FOR; it’s not like you splurged on your mom and got your wife nothing. But it sounds like your wife has an issue with your mom getting the eyelash extensions period, not the cost of your gift, which is petty and super freaking lame of her.

I missed the memo that women at age 55 aren’t allowed to do things to make them feel beautiful and confident.

Your wife needs to grow up and realize her jealousy and resentment isn’t a cute look.

— signed, somebody who has several friends in their 20s/30s who, along with their mothers in their 50s/60s, all love getting eyelash extensions. My go-to absolute favorite lash tech was referred to me and my best friends from a mutual friend’s mom, who is in her 50s.” jmaeww

Another User Comments:
“ESH.

The gift you gave your mother is awesome.

No denying. Good job son. I don’t think this is just about an air fryer though. Think about the thought, time, and effort you put into your mother. Again, not saying this makes you a bad guy. BUT to turn around and tell your wife, “But honey I got you an air fryer!” Yes. She said she wanted it. But an air fryer? Really. That’s not a gift.

That’s a kitchen appliance you will both (hopefully you pull your domestic weight) be using. It’s more than just the air fryer. Trust me. Take the same effort you put into your mother and put it into your wife.

She absolutely should not stoop for belittling your mother; that is not okay, and I know it can be seen as childish, but like I said, this is about more than just an air fryer.

This is going to snowball bigger and bigger until you get to the root of the cause. You’re not a jerk for giving your mother a well thought out gift, but you can kinda be a jerk for not putting that same effort into your own wife.” spoonsandbrew

Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. Your wife is jealous, petty, and unreasonable. If she really wanted eyelash extensions, then why did she specifically ask for an air fryer? So, she wants to tell you exactly what she wants but also wants you to read her mind and get her another gift?

Please call your wife out on her ageism. There is no age limit on eyelash extensions or anything else that may help someone feel beautiful. Also, who over the age of 12 is worried about being seen as “copying” someone? Your wife sounds insufferable.” Consistent-Leopard71

5 points (5 votes)
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StumpyOne 5 months ago
If she saw the thing and wanted the eyelashes, why didn't she just ask for it? Why did she ask for an air fryer and then be so rude and disrespectful about it? If she loves you and loves your mother she would honor the fact that your mother loves the gift and really needs it. You're definitely not the jerk
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14. AITJ For Not Attending My Family's Christmas Because My Mom Introduced Herself To My Kid By Her First Name?

“My mom and my wife avoid each other if they can. There was never a big incident, but if they can get away with not speaking, they don’t speak.

For a little while, my mom tried to keep her close relationship with me by trying to see me when my wife wasn’t there, but I felt weird about that, my life got busy, and more and more, I told my mom the only times I was available were when my wife would be there, so my mom lost interest in seeing me.

In the four years I’ve been married, I’ve seen my mom a handful of times. It was hard on me for a while, but I feel like what am I going to do when the two of them just don’t want to interact.

My mom did send a gift when my 3-year-old was born, and she has met her a couple of times. My mom is always polite when we see her, but obviously, there can’t be a traditional grandma role when she doesn’t want to come around.

My wife’s family lives across the country, so we spend most holidays with my family. My mom isn’t the one hosting, and I am not forcing my wife into an uncomfortable situation. My wife genuinely likes a lot of my cousins, and we mostly hang out with them and my mom hangs out with her husband, sister, BIL.

My daughter has met my mom but not enough to remember her and is going through her curious stage.

When we all gathered for Thanksgiving, she asked my mom who she was, and my mom gave her first name. She was really nice about it, but it still left a bad taste in my mouth, like she is still her grandmother, and while we aren’t close at all, there was never a formal estrangement.

I didn’t say anything at the moment. My wife suggested it might be a vanity thing, but I don’t know.

She was never particularly vain. Recently, Christmas plans came up, and I stated that I don’t want to go if my mom is there, due to her rejecting my daughter. My whole extended family thinks I’m being dramatic. My wife is actually annoyed and says I’m being a jerk for wanting to deprive our daughter of a family holiday just because my mom is a witch.

I just don’t feel comfortable, and it really left a bad taste in my mouth.”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

It sounds like you and your wife are icing your mother out, and she’s being very respectful of that. If you don’t want her in a traditional grandma role, then why give the title? Do you want your daughter to constantly ask, “Why can’t I see grandma?! Jenny’s grandma picks her up every day!”

Have a grown-up conversation with your mom (following a conversation with your wife) about what type of role you want her to have in your daughter’s life.

She can decide if she’s comfortable with that. But, it seems like she’s trying to respect that you don’t want it to be traditional, and you’re cutting her off even further and calling her a “witch” for it.

You’re seriously not thinking of your daughter at all and seem to just want to stick it to your mom.

Even your wife thinks you’re in the wrong here.” Usrname52

Another User Comments:
“I mean, was your mom supposed to explain the “informal estrangement” to your daughter? How do you tell a 3-year-old in the middle of Thanksgiving you’re technically their grandma when they’ve never associated you as such? Would you rather your daughter get excited about this grandma if you continue to have low contact with her? I’m still hesitant to say YTJ because it sounds like a complicated situation balancing everyone’s feelings here, but it does seem like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill in this case.” libryx

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

You’ve all three (you, your wife, and your mother) made it clear there isn’t going to be any sort of close relationship. So though your child was asking who she was, your mother did the right thing.

Introducing herself as Grandma and not taking a proper place in your child’s life because of whatever tension exists deprives your child of that relationship. Whereas your mother giving her first name gives your child the idea of who she is without claiming a place in their life where she will be largely absent.

You refusing to take part in Christmas because your mom will be there is totally unneeded, and it’s ridiculous to prevent your wife and other family members from seeing each other whether you feel guilty, scorned, or otherwise.” Shalifax

3 points (3 votes)
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caro 5 months ago
I find it weird that there is no reason know for why the mom and wife don't get along. I feel that is more relevant.
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13. AITJ For Not Giving My Babies Traditional Names?

“I’m 24f, and my fiancé is 27m. We’re currently expecting twin boys after trying for a year. We’ve never been happier.

My family is non-religious and his are practicing Catholics. He is not. I’m 7 months along, and his family is asking what we’re thinking of naming them. We’ve already decided on their names: Phoenix Grey and Griffin Dean.

We’ve never been ones for the run-of-the-mill names. My name is out of the ordinary, and my fiancé goes by his middle name, Cassius.

The idea of calling our children, not that these names are wrong or bad, Daniel or Thomas or Samuel doesn’t sit right with us. It isn’t us.

My in-laws are furious. One: because they’re not traditional names, two: they do not bear any affiliation to family members; my fiancé is named after his grandfather, his sister is named after his aunt, etc., and three: because they’re mythical creatures from other cultures.

That is apparently what they dislike the most. But we really love the names. We already have a girl’s name picked out too: Valkyrie Lee to pay homage to my Danish grandparents that cared for me when I was a teen. We actually came up with this name before I even got pregnant. We like that all the names match in that they are powerful beings that can fly.

We want to make our children feel powerful too.

My FIL says to use them as middle names and give them family names as first names, but we are already in love with the full names we’ve given them. We’ve even started calling them by them and bought embroidered blankets and clothes.

As these are the first babies of both families, my MIL thinks I’m being selfish by not giving them traditional family names and that not doing so will set a bad precedent for the others.

Am I being too stubborn?

Edit: People are bullied for all kinds of reasons. Hair. Eyes. Glasses. Braces. Style. Foot size. Ears. Biting fingernails. Makeup. No makeup. Fat. Thin. Short. Tall. Rich. Poor. Being called Phoenix or Griffin may not be as common as Sophie or Max, but they’re not bully worthy. Also, I didn’t ask if you liked the names just about the concept. Don’t judge us by American standards because we’re not American.

Many people with all three of these names have messaged me privately, and I’m sure I am not the jerk now. Thank all of you nice and respectful people.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Your children, your choice.

I have an exceptionally unique name, and to be honest, I’ve hated it all my life. My parents chose it out of love, but it’s been a pain to manage. No one call spell it, and I was bullied mercilessly for it.

I’m also incredibly easy to track online because of how unique my name is – which isn’t something my parents realized would be an issue as I was born before the internet became so big. So you should definitely choose names you love, with no input from anyone else, but please also consider the impact on your child down the line.

I’m not saying that common or unique names are the way to go, and clearly your family has a history of unique names that you’re all happy with.

Unique names are also definitely becoming more commonplace. However, just wanted to gently remind you that your kids are the ones who have to live with the names, and they may not love the names even if you do.” Accomplished-Cheek59

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here- you should not be giving crazy names to kids who will have to live with them the rest of their lives. These names will affect how they are treated in school, what job opportunities they are offered, potential romantic interests, and much more.

Just because you think a word sounds cool does not make it a good name for another human being.

Perhaps give them normal names and crazy middle names if you must.

Your in-laws are also being jerks by insisting on family names. Please, please, please think what you’re naming them through before you ruin their lives.” buttpickles99

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. It’s your choice as parents, but be careful.

You may want to think twice before you pick a hard-to-pronounce or “kinda out there” moniker for your little one. That’s because a name that is perceived as too different may actually have an adverse effect on your child later in life. A 2012 study looked at how one’s name impacts people’s opinion of him or her. Names in different regions of the world were studied, and researchers found the more unusual the name, the more likely that person will be regarded as risky or dangerous.

It is your baby after all, If they don’t like it, they can change it when they get older. Some weird baby names that some parents have given: Moon Unit, Kingmessiah, Darth, Cyanide, Awesome, Buddy Bear, Nutella, Robocop, and Number 16 Bus Shelter. When I compare these names to the ones you picked, it doesn’t seem bad.” ChewyRib

3 points (3 votes)
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StumpyOne 5 months ago
My grandmother always said the rule of thumb when picking baby names is number 1 pick one YOU, as the parents, like and number 2, pick one that you can yell (that rolls off the tongue in frustration) for when your kids act like boogers. And they WILL one day act like boogers. Other then that, they can all kiss your butt.
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12. AITJ For Asking My Birth Mom To Stop Calling Me Her Surrogate?

“I (22F) and my husband (21M) are expecting a baby late January 2022. We got married back in March and got pregnant rather quickly. Once we found out, we told everyone right away, parents being the first we told.

My BM (birth mom) has been calling us her surrogate and has been telling us that our baby is actually her baby ever since she found out about the pregnancy.

At first, I took it as a joke, but whenever my pregnancy was brought up, she would ask, “How’s my baby doing?” or “Make sure you take care of my baby.” It didn’t start to get onto my husband’s nerves until she asked him if their baby was okay, in which he snapped at her and said that the baby wasn’t theirs but his and his wife, aka your daughter.

To say she was upset was an understatement. She claims that since this is her first grand baby, she’s allowed to call them whatever she pleases, and we have no say in the matter. She got mad at me for allowing my husband to talk to her in that way and tried to convince me that he was emotionally abusive. I tried to get her to understand the difference of her being a grandparent and a parent and that she needs to only be a grandma and allow my husband and I to be parents, and when she says stuff like that, it makes us (my husband and I) uncomfortable.

She then started crying about how I am not validating her feelings and I’m the jerk.

When talking to others about the situation, they said her actions were weird, but my husband shouldn’t have gotten involved and that since I know how she is should have left it alone. So I’m wondering, AITJ?

Side note: It takes a lot to anger my husband as he has more control over his emotions than I am.

So when he snapped, it took me by surprise, but he didn’t raise his voice at my birth mom while saying that and was scary calm.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Repeat after me: “BOUNDARIES.” Your mother needs to respect your boundaries. It is your and your husband’s child, not hers. My mother also has issues with boundaries, and though we don’t have children yet, I can totally picture her doing the exact same thing.

As tough as it is, you need to draw the line and stick to it. She follows your and your husband’s rules regarding the baby or no baby time. At least that’s how I would go about it. I’m big on boundaries, and I’d definitely feel uncomfortable about it too. It starts with her calling it her baby, then escalates to her acting and making decisions like they are her baby when they’re born.” nylabk

Another User Comments:
“This is like a boundary issue that also skirts the ring of what is appropriate.

And when you try to enforce some boundaries and redirect her behavior to be more appropriate, she has a tantrum. So, no, you are NTJ.

Anyone trying to set boundaries and establish an environment of healthy behaviors (especially a soon-to-be parent!) is most certainly never the jerk. The ones behaving like toddlers but happen to be grown adults are always the jerks.

Your husband was fine to stand up to her.

Fact is, he SHOULD NOT have had to. While he may not have handled it perfectly, he was repeatly put in a creepy, awkward position and that’s usually when things go pear-shaped. But it was her who put him in that position. So that is on her. Playing the victim because she didn’t like it when people addressed her inappropriate behavior doesn’t make her right, though there seem to be plenty of people who like to do that these days.

NTJ.” optimistic-potential

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband is also NTJ. Mom is overstepping big time. Yes, she has feelings about being a grandma. There’s clearly some unresolved trauma from giving you up. But those should not ever usurp or take precedence over you and your hub’s feelings as the actual parents. She needs to go deal with her feelings appropriately on her own (with a therapist!) and not make them your responsibility when you are literally busy baking the child.

Congrats! I wish you a safe and healthy delivery and lots of joy.

I think this energy is more prevalent than people talk about. My mom also has a habit of calling my kid “my baby” or “my darling.” It was really hard for me when she was born because I had such strong hormonal ties to this baby that I just made and birthed. It just grated on me those early months a lot. Now I kind of understand where my mom’s energy came from. I am her baby who then had my baby, and she feels incredibly protective and motherly of us both. And technically, we both lived in her body as part of her while I was cooking. Biology is wild.” Reddit user

3 points (3 votes)
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lyly 5 months ago
YNTJ You refer to her as your birth mother so does that mean you're adopted? If so she's lucky to be in your life in the first place. Your husband had every right to speak to her the way he did. Her thinking is a red flag for your future.
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11. AITJ For Refusing To Discuss Accommodations For My Autistic Sister At My Wedding?

“My 15-year-old sister Nikki is autistic. She used to have meltdowns and behavioral problems, but she hasn’t had those kinds of issues since she was like five. She is a responsible kid, she is often left home alone, and she sometimes babysits for some of their neighbors. She is very excited about my wedding, and I never considered that there’d be any issue. She’s been to other weddings and big events before.

However, it turns out my fiance, James, believes that Nikki needs “accommodations” to attend the wedding and even mentioned her possibly only coming to the reception. I’m shocked that he thinks this; he’s known Nikki for three years and should have a good idea of what she’s capable of. He said he was concerned that she might have a meltdown during the ceremony, but she hasn’t had a meltdown since she was a little kid, so why would she suddenly have one years later at the wedding? James said even if it was unlikely, it could still happen.

At this point, I’d say she has more anxiety than average and sometimes gets upset at things that might not bother neurotypical kids, but none of those things would come up at the wedding. Just because certain things make her worried or upset doesn’t mean she’ll have a meltdown at a totally unrelated event. And neurotypical teenagers are very emotional too. I told James that by his logic, all guests would have to fill out a questionnaire beforehand, and anyone who was overly anxious or stressed about something can’t come, because they might think about the problem during the wedding and cry about it.

He said that was different.

He said okay; we’ll get this figured out, and we’ll ask my dad and stepmom what to do to plan for anything Nikki might need. I said the only thing she might want to do is go back to her hotel room or sit in the lounge for a bit to take a break from the reception music, but we don’t need a plan for this; she can go whenever she wants.

And she won’t scream in the reception just because she finds the music irritating; she’ll just leave.

He insisted we check anyway, and I put my foot down. It would be different if we didn’t know Nikki well, but we are close family, and they will be angry. If we ask about giving Nikki a special meal or making sure someone is with her in case she freaks out, they will say, “What the heck is wrong with you? You don’t know your own sister?” and be very offended.

And Nikki would be offended if she ever found out.

James says it’s his wedding too, so he should get input, and I said just because it’s his wedding doesn’t mean he gets to hold Nikki’s behavior when she was little against her, treat her stereotypically, and infantilize her. I reminded James how mad he was when he temporarily used a wheelchair and people kept trying to “help” him when he didn’t need it because they assumed he was incapable, but he said that was different.

I have a lot to think about in general, but for now, AITJ for refusing to ask about accommodations for Nikki?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not to be a crappy person, but why the heck are you marrying a guy who is insisting he knows your little sister better than you and clearly has a fear of autistic behaviorism?

That’s a very harsh way to put it and I’m sorry, but you are 110% correct in calling it disrespectful, and I don’t know how you aren’t actually infuriated.

It’s disrespectful not only towards your sister but to you and your relationship with that sister, as well as your intelligence, as clearly, James does not trust you are knowledgeable enough to recognize what would and would not be an issue for YOUR sister. I genuinely fear the degree of disrespect he is bound to show you in the future (assuming he hasn’t already) if he is this persistent on being crappy about Nikki.

Hate me for saying it, but in this particular situation, James can suck a fart from your butt.” SergeantSchnookems

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am autistic.

Your fiancee is trying to exclude your sister from your wedding based solely on her being autistic and no other reason.

The only person who should be discussing accommodations with you is Nikki herself. She’s old enough and capable enough to know what she needs for support.

And seeing as she’s excited and has been to other weddings before, without issue, it seems like she doesn’t think any accommodations are necessary. That should be the end of it.

Your fiancee needs to learn how to treat disabled people with dignity and respect.” this_girl_be_rachel

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The goal of accommodations is inclusion and equal access. It sounds like what James has in mind for Nikki is deliberate exclusion for his own comfort. I’d be very carefully considering whether this is the kind of person you want to spend your life with if I were you.” Swimming_Pressure

3 points (3 votes)
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lyly 5 months ago
NTJ Definitely going to have future problems with his ignorance about autism though.
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10. AITJ For Asking Two Women Speaking Spanish About A Salsa Recipe?

“This literally just happened, and I really don’t know what to think. I recently got a “molcajete” to make salsas. I’ve been making guacamole almost every day, and I’ve been wanting to make green salsa. I’m really into Mexican culture, and I even know quite a bit of Spanish.

I’ve been having a hard time understanding the different peppers and tomatoes though. Like I know what jalapeños are, but then there are other ones called serrano, and I’m not exactly sure which ones they are.

So I was at a grocery store with my partner, and we heard these two women speaking Spanish. I asked them where they were from in Spanish, and they were very friendly. At first, they seemed a bit taken aback, but overall, I don’t think they were uncomfortable. They actually seemed happy that I was learning Spanish.

I told them about my salsa predicament, and they helped me with the peppers, but we couldn’t find green tomatoes, but they recommended a place where I could find some!

Anyways, as soon as the interaction was done, my partner said that he was shocked that I did that.

He said I singled out two people just for speaking a different language. I guess I made a lot of assumptions. I’m a little mad because he knows how much respect I have for the culture. I told one of my friends about it, and she said that it was really insensitive of me.

I feel really bad about it because I would never want to make anyone feel different or singled out.

I normally don’t do that, but I was excited to practice Spanish and talk about salsa.

But maybe there would have been a better way? I’m not sure if my partner is overreacting or not.”

Another User Comments:
“INFO: Did you approach these women with respect and say something like, “I’m so sorry to bother you, but do either of you have any knowledge of salsa peppers?” Or were you like, “Hey ladies, SALSA!?”

You can ask strangers if they have a knowledge of salsa recipes without being racist if you were polite and inquisitive.

Stereotyping isn’t always a harmful practice– let’s face it, if you want to understand how to make authentic salsa better; the people you should ask are Central- and Latino-Americans whose cultural cuisine might include a lot of knowledge on the subject.” Jartasm

Another User Comments:
“NTJ (also Latina/é here).

To be honest, if I was at the store with my mom (Guatemalan) and someone came up to ask about a recipe, I would have been more than happy to help, and I know my mom would have been delighted as well, especially since she is passionate about food.

Based on past experiences, she would have shared her own recipe, and if there was any language barrier, she would have even tried to communicate as best she can in English (I’ve seen this woman helping strangers all the time, and whenever I’m with her, I also help with any translation needed).

I think it was also nice to see you asked where they were from beforehand because every Latino culture will differ, especially in regards to cuisine.

As long as one is respectful and self-aware, I don’t see any issue with coming up and asking questions about food recipes. The Latinos that I know, from my family to my friends and their family, all would be open to helping someone with these sorts of questions. My mom is the type of person to share her own food with the neighbors she interacts with, who are predominantly white.

There’s a huge difference between singling out two Spanish-speaking people (or any marginalized language) only to put them down for being different and overhearing two Spanish-speaking people to ask about how to better your knowledge of a cuisine you are still learning about. You can Google this stuff, sure, but if you can count on the members of your community, I think that experience alone is much more valuable.

You could also always let them know that it’s okay to not share their recipe since many times preservation of certain cultural things is important. Being understanding, respectful, and self-aware are the key components of interacting with community members outside of one’s culture.” doctadredog

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not everyone who speaks Spanish is Mexican, and all Latin countries eat different types of cuisines that do NOT include tacos, burritos, salsa, or guac, or spicy foods.

Most of us get rather affronted for being lumped in together, which is what a lot of whites do to us. It’s annoying and insulting as heck, to be honest.” Direct_Candidate_454

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but a little story: my husband is Mexican, and when he’s at Lowe’s or Home Depot, he gets constantly asked by people about so and so and what to use and where to find it, and he will snap, “Just because I am brown doesn’t mean I am here to answer your house building/ lawn mowing/ etc. questions,” or  “Do I freaking look like I work here?!” (This is the sanitized version of what he says.) I think food culture sharing is great, but it’s irritating when you’re asked questions because you look the stereotypical part. I mean, you could’ve asked on Reddit about the chiles, etc.” yessy420

2 points (2 votes)
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Sasha 5 months ago
NTJ. I've done something similar. My daughter has very curly hair and mine is straight as a board. I ran into a black lady and excused myself apologized for bothering her and explained my situation. NONE of my family has curly hair. I have zero knowledge on how to care for it. She was very polite and helped me a great deal. Just be respectful. She wasn't mad at me and we stood taking for hours afterwards. We r friends on FB now. Can never thank her enough!
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9. AITJ For Borrowing From My Wife's Savings Account?

“My wife and I have joined finances, but she has a savings account her grandpa set up for her before he passed. It’s around 40k in savings. We both work IT jobs and get paid fairly well (I want to note that we do not live in America, so wages differ).

She stated to me that her funds are for either an emergency or in case we plan on buying our own house.

She said that in case I need funds for an emergency, I’m allowed to use contents from her savings. I also have access to the account, but so far, I didn’t use anything.

2 months ago, my sister asked me to lend her 5k because she wanted to pay for her wedding dress, but her card had expired and kept declining. I lent her 5k, but since I didn’t have the full amount of my own paycheck, I borrowed from my wife’s savings.

My sister said she’d pay me back once her new card was ready, which would take less than two days. I didn’t tell my wife this because I’d replace the funds in two days.

It’s been 2 months now, and my sister is putting off on giving back what she borrowed. She keeps finding excuses on why she couldn’t give it back every time. My wife hasn’t checked the savings account in ages, but what if she happens to check it, and she figures out 5k is missing?

My best friend says I am honest with her, and I should accept the consequences of my own actions for not notifying my wife and not letting her know about the funds missing.

AITA? I feel very guilty for this and for trusting my sister.”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ for many reasons.

First and foremost, you should never have used the savings account lend to your sister. It was NOT an emergency. And as a side note, you should never lend to family. As you can see now, she is making excuses, and you are likely not going to see a dime again.

Second, you should have told your wife from the beginning.

So now, what do you? Come clean to your wife and let her know you made a huge mistake of trusting your sister, but that’s on you, and you will be replacing the funds to that account with your own funds (that is not normally put into joint finance). Also, put the heat on your sister for repayment by a certain date.

Finally, it is up to you if you want to take legal action on your sister if she fails to pay.” v2den

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your wife clearly stated the fund was for emergencies only, and as much as your sister’s wedding dress is important, I wouldn’t say it constitutes as an emergency.

In my opinion, the biggest problem is how you didn’t tell your wife about this despite the expense not being an obvious emergency.

And especially since it is not something that is urgently needed right away, you could’ve easily asked your wife, “Hey, is it fine if I borrow from the savings account for my sister’s wedding dress? She says she will pay me back” or something along those lines. If you had said that this whole situation would be avoided, and I’m sure she would’ve been happy to allow that.

Now, because you didn’t communicate or ask about the expense, you are in more of a predicament. If she finds out you spent her savings on something that didn’t constitute an emergency without even telling her about it, she will rightfully and undoubtedly be mad at you. In my opinion, the best thing you can do here is to own up to what you did now instead of letting her find out on her own.

This will at least show that you don’t only care about protecting yourself in this situation and are willing to open up to mistakes.

Anyway, that’s my opinion on it. Good luck with this.” Anonhsjsjs

Another User Comments:
“I can see how the logic tracked at the time of lending. If your sister had held up her end, no big deal. However, hindsight is 20/20. So take away from this are always check with your wife before using the account. Then you won’t have to feel guilty about that next time. And two, you can’t trust the sister anymore.

Really, I agree with your friend. Sit down with your wife and explain the situation. Apologize and make sure to tell her you’ll put the funds back yourself, even if your sister doesn’t pay you back. As long as you do that, NTJ.” Briar-Dog

2 points (2 votes)
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jeco 5 months ago
Ytj...your wife already knows....she is literally just waiting for your balls to drop and be honest with her. Never go behind your wife's back, this will cause a fracture within your marriage. Too many fractures, the dam breaks...
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8. AITJ For Using A Diamond From My Girl's Family Heirloom For Her Engagement Ring?

“My significant other (SO) (22f) and I (24m) have been together for about 3 years, and I decided around 5 months ago that I wanted to propose. We share a dog and a home, so it seemed the next logical step.

She’s hugely into jewelry, so I wanted to get her a really sentimental ring. At the end of September, her grandma suddenly passed away, and as my SO was the only granddaughter, she was passed down her wedding ring.

She and her grandma were extremely close, so I decided to ask her mom (her grandma was her dad’s mom) if she thought it’d be a good idea for me to use one of the diamonds in the ring for my SO’s engagement ring. She told me that as much as she loved the idea, she didn’t know if my SO would, and so told me to think about it.

I couldn’t find anything else I liked as much. My SO didn’t wear the ring as she was worried about losing it, so kept it in a box in a drawer, making it easy for me to take without her realizing it. It ended up being a beautiful ring, and I thought she’d absolutely love the sentiment of it.

Well, I proposed. She said yes immediately and was absolutely elated until she saw the ring.

She told me I’d practically vandalized and ruined the only meaningful thing of her grandmothers’ that she had and that I should have asked. I went to her mom for support, but she just kept saying she warned me that my SO might not like the idea. My partner said yes to my proposal but refuses to wear the ring, which I just think is disrespectful considering how much I spent and thought went into it.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“Seriously… YTJ.

How dense can you be… You destroyed a family heirloom, and you seriously thought she’d love that?

YOU DESTROYED her one-family heirloom! Because you were too lazy (or broke) to go buy a diamond yourself.

That ring was a final gift from her grandmother. She doesn’t have to wear it daily for it to be sentimental. AND her grandmother passed away just a few months ago.

Heck, even her mom said no as she wouldn’t like it.

You were disrespectful and STOLE her property and then had it destroyed…”But I did it for you babe” is no excuse.

You screwed up. Have her grandmother’s ring repaired ASAP. Then offer to go ring shopping with her for an engagement ring or buy a different diamond/stone for her ring.” Reddit user

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I’m sorry OP, but what you did was really insensitive and stupid.

Her own mother told you it wasn’t a good idea, and she wouldn’t like it. So because YOU couldn’t come up with a better idea (it doesn’t sound like you tried very hard to be honest), you decided to just go with what YOU wanted and destroyed her gran’s ring. Honestly, you put barely any thought into this.

OP, you should take the rings to a jeweler and get that ring repaired.

Then find a different stone (it doesn’t have to be a diamond; they’re seriously overrated. Just get her a stone she loves) and get that put into her ring. You should randomly go through stone websites and subtly try to find out what type she likes. Diamonds are just way overpriced, and there are much more beautiful ones out there. If her gran’s ring has a very vintage style, maybe go for a stone that looks vintage too.” whitewing2611

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

I know you had good intentions, but sometimes good intentions are not the best choice in some things. Depending on the person, it could have been appreciated. But it wasn’t the case for your SO.

Her grandmother passed away suddenly, and it hasn’t even been long since then. Now wasn’t a good time to propose, especially with what you did. You should really be comforting her on her loss.

Heirlooms are tricky things, and you should have left it alone. I personally have items passed down to me, and I would be livid if someone altered or destroyed them in any way without permission.

Proposals are also tricky things. If and how you propose should be talked about before you start planning said event. Diamonds are expensive, and I get wanting to cut costs or if you couldn’t find anything you personally liked when looking.

You should have asked her friends or family for assistance if you couldn’t find anything. Even picking a ring out with your SO would have been better than vandalizing the heirloom.

What will happen now depends on you. You broke her trust and damaged something behind her back. It doesn’t matter if it was for a good reason. First thing I would do is find someone to restore the heirloom as best they can. You will also need to have a big talk about your relationship and how/if it can be repaired. Your wedding, if it happens, will have to be put on hold until you can work things out with each other.” ZombiesEverywhere24

2 points (2 votes)
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SunnyDuckling611 5 months ago
It really hadn't been that long since her grandmother past. But the real kicker, you said she didn't wear it and left it in a box in a drawer, the kicker is, so it wouldn't get ruined
2 Reply

7. AITJ For Laughing After My Sister Implied My Brother's Girl's Dish Wasn't Good?

“I, 27F, and my brother “John” 26M are very close, so I was definitely shocked when he surprised us on Thanksgiving by bringing his new girl “Chelsea.”

He was very happy though, and to be honest, that’s the only thing we want for him, so we (grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins) held off on all questions until another time.

Anyway, dinner time rolls around, and we’re sharing everything, and my aunt kinda pulls me off to the side and tells me we’re not gonna be eating my mashed potatoes because Chelsea brought some, and John asked that we serve those.

I was a little peeved not gonna lie because I’ve done the mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving since I was sixteen, but I got over it pretty fast. I really didn’t care as long as they were good.

Spoiler alert, they were not.

Everything that could’ve gone wrong with those potatoes went wrong.

There were raisins.

She was really excited though, so when she asked everybody if they were good, she got some, “Mmhhmms.”

You know, the kind you do with your mouth closed and an uncomfortable smile on your face.

Everything else was good, so her dish was highlighted. We all thought we passed it though, until my nephew spit it out into a tissue.

She said something about not pleasing everybody to lighten the mood cause we were all looking at him hard as heck, and my brother went, “I’m sure they’re glad to have a break from [my] potatoes anyway” and then laughed.

I wasn’t gonna say anything, but my sister (22F) said, “We are not” in the most monotone voice, and I just laughed, man.

Like one burst of a cackle.

Chelsea teared up, and the rest of the night was awkward. My brother called me a jerk and is still mad at me. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“Eh…

You weren’t a jerk, but you were rude that moment. Her dish wasn’t good; I get it, but she was trying, and it’s rude to laugh at someone’s trying efforts. You did apologize to her, so I think you’re good there.

This shouldn’t be an issue anymore.

To everyone who made such a big deal about the raisins (tbh, that goes for you too OP, seeing you’ve repeatedly responded to comments backing up you just how awful her dish was), it may have been gross, it may even have been “wrong,” but not everyone knows how to cook or can, properly. It doesn’t hurt to be a little more understanding.

If it’s not good, just don’t eat it; no need to make fun.” beaucoupcheese

Another User Comments:
“YTJ because really at 27 and 22, you and your sister couldn’t try to be a little nicer? Were you that peeved that your mashed potatoes, a basic side dish, were sidelined? You could have made an awkward situation into you, your family, and Chelsea vs weird dish and made a funny memory.

Instead, you were about as nasty as raisins in mashed potatoes and offered a lukewarm apology that was probably to the tune of, “I’m really sorry that your dish was gross.”

We’ve all made some weird recipe from the internet that turned out awful (white enchiladas with zero spices here). I’m sure you have messed up your mashed potatoes plenty of times but wouldn’t know because your family was nice enough to let you keep learning and making them.” Yay_Rabies

Another User Comments:
“NTJ (leading towards ESH because there are a couple of jerks in this story)

Your brother was a jerk for making that joke at your expense and for bringing her unannounced and setting her up for failure by letting/encouraging her bring her own version of a dish that is the same every year that everyone anticipates eating (even if it had tasted nice, it still would have disrupted the routine and been a bit awkward, with her taking on your usual role).

I do feel bad for the partner though. Maybe making a dish to take with them was encouraged by your brother, and even if it wasn’t, either way, it was clearly supposed to be a nice gesture (in some households, not adding food to a meal that you are eating from is seen as rude). Your sister was also a jerk for then making a joke at the partner’s expense.

She has done no wrong in this and was humiliated and made to feel unwelcome in an unfamiliar and scary environment (and I am sure she was trying to make a good impression on her man’s family, which makes it even worse for her).

You aren’t a jerk for laughing, as it is involuntary, and I am sure you were also happy to welcome the defense of your cooking, but nonetheless, it wasn’t a very nice response and must have made your brother’s partner feel horrible. If you haven’t already, I would recommend apologizing to the partner for the mockery of her cooking and acknowledging her effort to contribute to the family and how scary it must have been to meet your SO’s family for the first time only to have them laugh at you.” GroovyLlama1

2 points (2 votes)
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gama5 5 months ago
Ntj, your brother demanded his girls weird gross potatoes replaced yours and set her up for failure. They could have just been an additional side dish and literally no one asked him to comment on your potatoes. Your sister was just being honest about them and his girl should have known better than to bring some untraditional recipe with raisins and force them upon people and ask for opinions.
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6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take Care Of My Adult Brother?

“My brother and I do not have a relationship at all. There’s probably an eighteen year age gap between us, and I never grew up with him. When he was younger, he decided to party and screwed up. He lost all of his important documents, dropped out of high school, and has trouble holding a stable job. I, on the other hand, have held a job for four years and only switched to a different company for a better opportunity.

This included better pay, benefits, and upward growth within the company.

My father passed almost two months ago, and my mother’s anxiety has been through the roof. She’s been thinking about the far future and wants to plan for it. Meanwhile, I’m barely coping and am working seven days a week to stay out of the house. My mother wants me to purchase a house to her preference, so I can provide housing for both her and my brother.

In her eyes, this will happen when I’m married and trying to raise my own family. I told her that it won’t just be my decision at that point and that my spouse will have a say in who lives in the house. My mother took this offensively and told me that I don’t care about my brother.

I’ve never grown up with my brother and only talk to him because he’s living with my mom and I.

Other than that, we don’t talk to each other, and he never bothers to care about me. Plus, it’s not my responsibility to care for another adult who makes unwise decisions while growing up. I’m over here busting my butt to make sure I have a good future.

AITJ for not wanting to take care of my adult brother?”

Another User Comments:
“NTA. Your brother is a grown man.

The 20-year difference indicates that he should have gotten help and straightened out his life a long time ago. You’re not your brother’s keeper or caretaker. I think you need to move out as soon as possible. As for your mother, please tell her to get some help for her anxiety, as well as stop enabling your brother’s destructive behavior.” empowerment_princess

Another User Comments:
“NTA, but you need to stop blaming your situation on your mom.

Your mom can’t make you work 7 days a week, and your mom can’t control if or when you move out. You’re an adult, and you have to make choices based on what is best for you. Living in that home is not best for you. It will be sad if your mom has trouble coping when you move out, but she’s also an adult and will have to figure out her own problems.

If you keep telling yourself you can’t do this or can’t do that “because Mom,” then you’re never going to have a life outside of existing simply to support your mom and your brother. So you have two choices, stay and keep making excuses or get the heck out as soon as you can. You don’t have to inform your mom about your decision, just up and move as soon as you can.” GiddyGabby

2 points (2 votes)
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5. AITJ For Being Embarrassed That My Dad's New Woman Looks Like Me?

“My dad (60m) has a new woman (23f) and I (19f) was introduced to her a few weeks ago. His woman is young as heck, and she looks exactly like me: similar dress sense, similar voice, and mannerisms. We look disturbingly alike. Us looking alike and her age has really been messing with my mind. My dad says he doesn’t see it, but he’s clearly lying if even the waitress thought we were twins!!!! It was so embarrassing when the waitress realized it was his partner and not his daughter.

I could literally see the entire waitstaff discussing it. I told my dad to never ask me to meet them in public when he’s with her if he wasn’t going to break up with her.

He says I’m being a jerk for being upset about her age and that we don’t look that alike, I feel like my feelings are valid. Who’s being unreasonable here?

My mom and I look almost nothing alike; I have her eyes and height, but that’s about it.”

Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ.

I’m in my mid 60’s, and while I love talking with young people, I can’t imagine being with anyone more than 10 years younger than me. Heck, my kids are in their mid 30’s, and even being someone their age would feel too much like pedophilia.

Your feelings are 100% valid. Tell your dad his behavior is embarrassing you and that he’s totally creeping you out. Your dad needs to take an objective look at himself.

ChefMimsy

Another User Comments:
“How much do you and her look like your mother when she was young? He probably has a type, with your mother and you having the same look and now the new woman having the same look. However, he is going out with someone who is very, very young. He doesn’t see it with you because you are his daughter. He still sees you as that 2-year-old.

My point is people have a type they are attracted too, and you are going also likely to match that type.

NTJ. It is definitely weird.” No-Carpenter8359

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Men that old being with women that young is gross. Ask your dad if he’d be cool with you seeing someone who is 56. If he says yes, set up an outing with one of your friend’s dad’s and your dad and his woman. Obvs, your friend’s dad would have to be in on the prank and not actually think you’re on a real romantic outing with him.” chlorenchyma

2 points (2 votes)
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4. AITJ For Being Upset That My Long Distance Best Friend Is Traveling Near Me But Won't Visit Me?

“My best friend K (F/22) lives in PA. I (M/24) live in FL. We’ve been best friends for about 6+ years, and we’ve been there for each other through a lot of things, including her transition and my depression. I booked a flight and visited her about 6 months ago for vacation, and we had an amazing time, and we agreed that next time she’d return the favor and visit me, and we could possibly alternate.

Yes, we have a mutual crush, and we fooled around a bit while I was there, but neither of us believe in long-distance, so it never went anywhere. She also started seeing people a little while after.

Lately, she had been asking me a lot about Florida and its theme parks and eventually told me that she had booked a trip to Disneyworld/Universal in June but didn’t elaborate much more.

There was an obvious elephant in the room as to where I would fit into the equation, but I think we were both scared to bring up the subject.

Eventually, she started telling me more about the plans for the trip, and she said that she’s driving down; it would be over 5 days, and her schedule is REALLY packed, and I probably wouldn’t be able to fit anywhere into it.

She also told me that even if she had time, she wouldn’t be able to drive to see me because she’s driving her guy’s car and it’s “not her choice.” She said it’s possible that I could meet for a short dinner at some point if I drove up to Orlando, which is about 2 hours from me. I wasn’t really satisfied with this because I feel like as her best friend, I deserve more than a one-hour dinner if I’m lucky, and she can find a place for me.

I told her I was really hurt as a result of all this, and she explained that she does want to see me, but it’s not up to her (even though she’s told me numerous times that she’s paying for it and it’s her choice of destination). She also explained that it’s meant to be an anniversary/birthday trip for her guy (my birthday is also in June…).

It turned into an argument, and I’m currently not on speaking terms with her (I was the one who cut contact).

She thinks I’m acting unreasonably because she’s taking a trip to Disneyworld, and there’s no reason she should have to see me.

I understand it’s a trip with her guy, and our relationship is a bit more complicated because we both still have feelings. But I just can’t help but be really hurt because she’s acting like she has no choice in this despite it being her choice of destination, which is really close to me.

And I’m really hurt that my best friend who I took time to visit and meet is gonna be in my state without even trying to see me. I don’t want to lose her, but I feel like this is a really hard snub to me, intentional or not, and I don’t think I should be the one to come back and apologize. I don’t expect her to change plans to include me, but I wish she’d be more understanding of my feelings and try to imagine how it feels almost extremely personal.”

Another User Comment:
“I’m going NTJ.

It is totally understandable that you are hurt and also understandable that she may think it would be awkward (given your history) to visit you on a trip with her guy. After the trip, I would definitely find a time to have a conversation about it.” caalakla

Another User Comment:
“YTJ. She’s not making a trip to visit you. She’s going to Orlando with her guy for his birthday and their anniversary.

There’s a big difference there. If she never goes down to visit you and return the favor, then you’d have an argument, though with your massive overreaction, there’s a good chance that your friendship is over or damaged enough that she will never want to visit you.

With a true friendship (or any relationship) you should never keep score. Nothing is ever going to be 100% equal; it’s not going to be tit for tat. Favors may never be repaid, and if it’s a true friendship, then that should be okay.” wolfj2610

1 points (1 votes)
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lyly 5 months ago
You're not exactly a jerk in this unfortunate situation but you need to get real. She's not your best friend anymore. She's choosing her boyfriend over you and in real life friendships that's pretty much the way it always goes. Not saying it's kind of her but they're no doubt in their honeymoon phase still. You just don't fit into that equation.
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3. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mentally Ill Sister As My Bridesmaid?

“My (25f) sister (27f) has severe mental health issues that have made it extraordinarily difficult for her to function. I’ve taken care of her since we were kids. Our dad had a stroke when I was 8, and my mom had to look after him until he died 11 years later. Our two brothers (40 and 42) are much older than us and busy with their jobs and their partners (now wives).

My family has even given me a nickname, Carer Sarah (Sarah is my name). I don’t particularly like it, but whatever. My mom is now my sister’s primary carer, but because I know her so well, I’m often called to step in.

The terrible thing is, I don’t really like my sister. I think I did once, but over the years, I have spent so much emotional energy on her that I’ve just burnt out.

To give a flavor of what life has been like with her, she called me at 3 am the night before I was due to have a hugely important interview and told me she was standing on a bridge about to jump off. I drove 4 hours to get to her and missed the interview. She seduced my man at my 16th birthday party and shouted for everyone to hear that the only reason I was born was because my mom had an abortion that went wrong.

She told another guy I two-timed him (I hadn’t). She racked up over $10k of debt on my credit card in 3 days.

I know that none of this is her fault, but all I feel towards her is apathy. It means her actions no longer hurt me. She can be so, so sweet to me sometimes, but it never lasts, and I’ve learned not to like or dislike her, just to endure her.

I’ve never, ever told anyone that, and our whole family is under the impression that I love her dearly because of how much I’ve done for her over the years.

Two years ago, I met the love of my life, and we’re getting married next year. The truth is, I don’t even really want my sister there at all. I can’t think of a single event centered on me that hasn’t been in some way disrupted by her.

I can’t not invite her, so instead, I want her to be just a regular guest. This also means it will be easier for my mom to keep an eye on her, because if she’s my bridesmaid, I know I’ll end up doing it. And I want my bridesmaids to be people I actually love, who love me too, and will make my day easier. My cousins on both sides all had their sisters as bridesmaids, so I’m going against family tradition here.

My mom and brothers are shocked and say it’s extremely damaging for my sister to be rejected like this. One of my brothers says I’m being ableist. My mom says she always thought that one day when she’s too old to take care of my sister, and I’ve worked for a few years that I would look after her full time (this was news to me), but now she’s not so sure.

All this has made me feel bad for my sister, and I’m close to giving in. But if I do, it won’t be because I want to. So, looking for honest opinions here. AITJ for not having my sister as my bridesmaid?”

Another User Comments:
“I’m sure people will be angry with me, but I’m honestly not understanding something here OP. When you said your sister has severe mental health issues, to the point she needs a carer, I was picturing someone unable to communicate or may be unable to meet her own basic personal needs like knowing to bathe or eat.

Your sister is functional enough to rack up credit card debt? Seduce a partner? Call you for help when she needs it? Something here isn’t adding up.

You are a worthy and valuable person, OP. You absolutely have the right to choose your own bridesmaids. Your brothers could even volunteer to watch over her for you, so you can finally enjoy a celebration without having to take care of her.

And if that celebration is your own wedding, you deserve it so very much more!!

Since your brother threw out the ‘ableist’ word, I’m going to throw out ‘enablers.’ Your entire family enables her crap because you are there to do all the hard work. I am so glad you are getting out, OP. I wish you a lovely wedding and peaceful, happy marriage.

Not only are you NTJ, but I’d double down and let your family know that having your sister at your wedding would be too much of a strain on the both of you.

She couldn’t handle not being the center of your/your mom’s attention, and you shouldn’t have to split your focus on your special day. Be strong, OP. Let your wedding be the start of a new future for you and your husband.” thequejos

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

You say “none of this is her fault,” but everything you’ve mentioned here absolutely is her fault. Yes, she might have some mental illness, but it also seems like she’s been given no boundaries and gets to use her condition as an excuse to get out of everything.

She doesn’t need to be a bridesmaid. She doesn’t even need to be there. Invite who you want, and only who you want. Though, there will be fallout either way.” rexconroy

Another User Comments:

“So I do not think you are the jerk, but I think there could be another way to get her involved? For example, rather than have her be a full bridesmaid, have her prepare something for the ceremony or aid with the flower girl/ring bearer. That way she still feels important, but you do not have to worry as much about being a caretaker on your wedding day.” madamrunner

1 points (1 votes)
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lyly 5 months ago
I think the best comments are those that encourage you to simply not invite her. After all she's done to you she has no business being there and you shouldn't have to worry about whether or not she's going to pull something again. The other poster was right about your family being enablers. Break the cycle.
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2. ATIJ For Wanting The Promise Ring I Gave My Ex-Friend Back?

“I (M35) dated “Annie” (F33) from 2020 till the 1st of this year. We broke up simply because we didn’t get along anymore; everything and anything was a fight, and both of us were tired.

I had given Annie a promise ring that I had inherited from my now-deceased mother and, when we broke up, I asked for it back. I had given it to her, technically as a gift, but I wanted it so my sons from my previous marriage (M8, M6) could have it if I never got in another relationship.

She cried and called me a jerk but gave it to me anyway. However, I am worried that I may be the jerk because I’d given it to her in the first place and now I was taking it away from her.”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ because gifts shouldn’t be priceless family heirlooms! You say you had no marriage conversation but gave her a promise ring which is literally defined as a ring symbolizing a commitment to each other, and more often than not, a promise to get engaged for real.

‘A promise ring is a ring given from one person to another in a romantic relationship to signify their fidelity and commitment, often (but not always) preceding an engagement.’ – The Knot, a bridal/wedding website.

I don’t think you shouldn’t have asked for it back because it’s an heirloom, but maybe don’t just go gifting those to people you’ve only been with a while. It’s a valuable lesson.

They’re not obligated to return a gift, no matter how sentimental it is to you. If it was an engagement ring, you also can’t expect it back. Some people will give them back, some not, and you can’t really expect it to be an easy transaction.

I’m glad she returned it, but don’t just go giving away stuff you’re going to want back if things go south.

It’s generally just a bad time.” Known-Programmer1799

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but that’s a weird thing to give to your partner at your age. A promise ring is given as a promise to get engaged one day, which is something very young people do who are way too young to be thinking about marriage anytime soon. It’s even weirder you gave her such a valuable piece as a promise ring; generally rings like that are the engagement ring or even wedding ring.

Strange too you gave it to someone you didn’t even know; you two didn’t even last a year. Anything less than 2 years and you’re still in the honeymoon phase. It’s a good thing she gave it, back but I hope you tread more carefully in future relationships.” funnyflowers1321

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

It’s a family piece. It should come back to the family.

When my fiancee and I got engaged, I gave her the ring with the stipulation I get it back if we break up or get divorced down the road. That ring was my grandmother’s, and it is going to stay in the family.” rexconroy

1 points (1 votes)
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Vlm 5 months ago
Both. An engagement ring is never a gift but a contract for marriage. legally the ring has to be given back since the contract was broken. The promise ring should never have been given as a gift bc that made it a gift not a promise ring. You're lucky she gave it back. In the future just wait until you're ready to get married and make it a gift to your wife on your 10 year anniversary. You could also keep it for your sons with the wisdom to never give it as a gift or promise ring. Also aren't promise rings more for teenagers anyway?
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1. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Shower More Often?

“My partner (F20) and I (F22) have been l together for about 2 1/2 years and living together for about a year. Sadly, in our time together, we have been through a lot of loss. She has lost 4 family members, and I have lost 1. That has caused a lot of grief leading to trouble in our relationship. We both struggle with mental health issues as well.

Even with my mental health struggles, I am a very clean person. I am obsessed with my hygiene and making sure I am smelling good. I have been this way since I was a kid. I have to wash my hands before every meal or every time I come home from somewhere, I shower every day (sometimes twice a day), stuff like that. Which is normal for a lot of people but not my partner.

We celebrated Thanksgiving with both of our families on the 25th. She showered the morning of, and we had a great day. But, here it is 10 days later, and she still hasn’t showered. I obviously have noticed she has started to smell, so I tried to approach her the nicest way possible. I asked her if she was struggling with her depression and if there was anything I could do, and she asked why I was asking.

I was honest with her and told her I noticed she hasn’t showered since Thanksgiving. She literally started yelling at me, and I’m pretty sure our whole apartment building could hear her; she was that loud. I tried explaining to her that I care about her a lot, and I was just trying to make sure she was okay. She would barely even let me get a word in.

She is now at her parents’ house over an hour away and is refusing to talk to me. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When people deny themselves basic self-care, it can be a pretty clear sign that they’re struggling. I’m not considering your partner the jerk for being depressed, because that isn’t her fault. But if it’s getting so bad that she hasn’t even showered for a week and a half, then I don’t think you’re out of line for being concerned.

If partner wants to live a relatively normal life, she has to learn some strategies for not letting things get this bad. That’s something only she can do for herself.

Normally I am quite against involving family members in couple squabbles, but in this case, it might be worth having a conversation with her mom about your concerns. If your partner has some kind of psychiatrist or therapist she sees, she may need an urgent appointment to discuss what she’s dealing with.

Your partner is mad at you currently (whether it’s justified is a little beside the point), but maybe hearing it from your mom would be enough to convince her.

In the meantime, just periodically reassure your partner that’s she’s loved, and try to have faith that she’ll come back. Some time at her mom’s to think through things may be just what she needs right now. You guys do have some things you need to talk about, but it will likely go better and be more productive when she’s in a good headspace to actually listen.” AccessibleBeige

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but…

10 days without a shower is not unheard of for people with mental illnesses. You might have the ability to shower daily, but some of us don’t. At the lowest point of my depression, I would shower once every two weeks, if that. I’d use wet wipes in between and just get by with washing my face and dry shampoo. Additionally, chances are she lashed out at you because of guilt and shame.

There is a lot of both within those of us who lose energy to keep up with personal hygiene. She had no right to take it out on you, but it might explain where she’s coming from. Sometimes when you can’t find the will to live, it’s even harder to find the energy to take care of basic personal needs, like showering. But we still know that people find it gross, and it creates a cycle where we feel gross, so we don’t have the energy to shower, but then not showering makes us feel even worse, and we end up with less energy than we had to begin with.

And it’s a vicious cycle to be in. So I wouldn’t really call her a jerk.

Now, you also have a right to live with a partner that doesn’t make your stomach turn or make you embarrassed to be with them due to their smell. You have a right to a clean home as well if that’s something you want. So I don’t think you’re a jerk either.

I would suggest maybe trying to speak to her again. But before you do, maybe try to find some articles on the topic and see if there’s a better way to approach her with this. Tell her that you’re not mad at her, you’re not embarrassed by her, make sure you make it very clear that this is about her wellbeing and do not make this about you being uncomfortable with the smell.

You have every right to be, but this is already a sensitive topic to start with, so any damage control you can do is gonna help in the long run. Of course, at no point should you put up with her yelling at you or insulting you in any way, so if that’s something you feel she might do, your best bet is to say, “I see that this isn’t a good time; I would like to have a calm conversation about this and come to an agreement together, but I will not be yelled at, so when you’re ready to have a civil talk, come get me.”

Best of luck, and hope it all goes well for you.

I’m sorry about your losses as well.” oxcelotl

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She might be having some sort of episode and either doesn’t realize it or doesn’t want to deal with it. Either way, you approached this in the most sensitive way possible. It is not normal behavior to not shower and not care that you smell. It is a sign of declining functioning. If you guys do talk, let her know you did not intend to embarrass her, but that the issue needed to be addressed, and you are here to help. If she continues to behave this way and refuses to talk to you, I’d make sure you’re looking out for your own mental well-being too. You can’t make someone get help.” SunExotic360

1 points (1 votes)
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lyly 5 months ago
Neither of you are jerks but she's got issues, maybe from depression, that needs to be worked on. And you're clearly suffering from a little OCD so that makes your pairing even more complex. Talk to her lovingly. Shower together. Watch how you word these issues. Good luck with this situation!
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