People Count On Us For Our Opinion On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Story
17. AITJ For Skipping My Son's Wedding To Spend Time With His Ex Wife?
“Quick backstory, after graduating high school my son moved 3 states away for college. At 19 he married a girl he met, I tried convincing him to wait because I personally felt he was too immature. They both dropped out and moved back here to his hometown.
At 20 they had their first child, a beautiful little girl. 16 months later, my DIL gave birth to their second child, a little boy.
After the first baby, my wife and I noticed our DIL wasn’t happy. We both thought it was PPD related.
Just after the second arrived, my son and his wife separated. She would bring the kids over for a visit, it was then she began unloading on us. I know there are two sides to every story, but considering I know my son, I believed her.
I sat my son down numerous times to speak with him regarding his marriage. He refused to take responsibility and blamed her for everything even when I directly pointed out where he was the sole problem.
They got into counseling, and for a year things were ‘ok’ on the surface.
Our DIL filed for divorce, my son 3 days later was announcing his new girl. A month later, they were engaged. My son had forced his then-wife to become a permanent stay-at-home mom at the birth of their first child. She of course had no other family or friends here, she knew no one aside from us.
She had nowhere to go with two small children. Unbeknownst to our son, my wife and I helped her financially and got her an apartment.
Before the divorce was even finalized, we received a wedding invitation. I made it clear to my son, I would not be attending and they would not have my blessing.
His mother told him she would see to it that I would attend. I stayed consistent in my decision, I also asked him not to bring his fiancée around our house out of respect for the mother of his children.
The wedding happened on Feb 11.
The night before, my wife gave me the final push. I did not attend. Our daughter also did not attend for the same reasons. My wife picked up our grandkids, got them dressed, and attended the wedding. My daughter and I decided to spend the evening with his ex.
I couldn’t imagine her sitting alone, while her kids attended their father’s wedding.
She was taken aback that I didn’t end up attending his wedding. We took her out to distract her mind. I just wanted her to know, she’ll always be considered family to us.
My daughter also made a joke they can drop the in-law status and just be sisters now. She was very tearfully grateful, I realized just how badly she needed our support and specifically on that night.
The next morning, my son called to tell me how much of a horrible father I am for not attending his wedding.
A few days later, he caught wind that I spent the wedding evening with his ex. He said that was the ultimate form of betrayal, and further myself and his sister would have to earn a relationship with him on his terms only.”
Another User Comments:
“An unpopular ESH.
Without knowing exactly why their relationship broke up, I’m going to assume it was for “normal” reasons. And clearly, he was two-timing her at the end, whether they were essentially broken up by then or not, I’m not sure. But ultimately, who cares? Relationships break-up.
That’s life.
So you’re not a jerk to help her out. That’s nice of you. But again, I don’t understand why you would ban his fiancee from your house. Because he was unfaithful?! That’s weird to me. Yes, affairs are terrible, we all agree.
But crap happens…life happens, and relationships break up. It seems odd to ruin your relationship with your son unless there was more to it than that. And “out of respect for his ex-wife” makes very little sense to me. She doesn’t live there.
The presence of his fiancee in your eyeline is an inherent show of disrespect for his ex, who is clearly more important to you than him – is what it sounds like.
You’re strongly implying that he was a terrible guy. But the worst I can actually pin on him is that he was solely responsible for some of the negative events in the relationship.
Of course he was. It’d be unbelievable if he wasn’t. Oh, and he doesn’t want to hear from one of his parents critiquing everything he did wrong in the relationship – that’s also supposed to show how immature he is. But it also shows how overly involved you are, I think.
And that he reacted negatively to his fiance being banned and you turning your nose up at his wedding invitation. I don’t think I’d react too positively to that, myself, tbh.
He’s written here as selfish and immature. But I’m just having trouble piecing together in a concrete way, why that’s definitely the case.
And why you’re siding with his ex so much at his expense. Again, great to help her out. But, when you’re also avoiding his wedding and banning his fiance, you’re clearly taking sides against your son and I’m not sure exactly why that is.
Also…. you raised the kid. Just something smacks really crappy about you hearing the ex’s side and thinking “Well, I know what a jerk my son is, so this must be true.” Like, I’m sure he is a jerk. A lot of dudes in their early 20s are very selfish in relationships.
But it’s weird to do this whole “I’m going to cultivate a relationship with your ex-wife to replace the one I’m throwing away with you.” There’s something very weird about that, and if he’s a major jerk… I suspect that maybe you’re some of the reason for that.
And I don’t think you’re improving the situation.” jfartster
Another User Comments:
“YTJ…Have fun with this one buddy….it’s gonna cost you everything. Enjoy!
To elaborate…your wife is gonna choose, who. Her son, or you?
Your DIL is gonna choose who? You or her next husband?
Your daughter is gonna choose who? You or your wife?
Your decision to not go to your son’s wedding and to just side with his ex just made a permanent decision in your relationship with him.
It made a permanent division in your family with your wife. And it will likely, eventually, cut you out of your grandchildren’s (current and future) life…so, again, hope it was worth it.
You did this without knowing your son’s side of the marriage… nowhere in here does it even say you wanted to know what he did, wanted to be his father, wanted to be the man who he goes to when he screws up and advises him.
With your reaction, what a surprise he screws up, what a surprise he doesn’t want your advice.
You don’t know why he wanted out, what he was feeling, you flat out went “Yeah, my son had no reason to want out of this marriage, screw him.”
Dude, be honest, you don’t like your son, you haven’t ever liked your son, and you aren’t a father to him, like a real father, the guy who he goes to when things are down, when he screws up, when he needs guidance…right? Because all you’ve ever given him is judgment…no other type of father would do this, and it’s going to cost you, dearly.
Enjoy.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m gonna take a different tack from most of the other posters. I don’t know how your relationship with your son was before he went off to college, and I don’t know if there are other Missing Reasons connected to why he wanted to disconnect from you.
The thing is, family isn’t really the important factor here.
You knew an adult man who isolated his wife and mistreated her emotionally and financially. You disapproved of his actions. When he rushed into a new relationship before the ink was dry on the divorce request (within a timeframe that makes having an affair a very real possibility), you communicated that you did not support the action and refused to attend the resulting wedding.
Does it really matter that he’s your son in all this? I say no.
Typically the toxic behavior you see from toxic estranged parents is a refusal to stop treating their children like kids. But you are treating your son as an adult.
Your reaction would be totally normal coming from a friend or coworker of his. Family is not a relevant factor.
Maybe he was certain his dad would always be in his corner, but if that was an issue, he should have sat you down and talked to you about it.
It doesn’t sound like he did so. Even if he did, though, if you found this difference irreconcilable, then a separation makes sense. Make no mistake – with the refusal to attend the wedding, send a gift, or even pass along congratulations, you have effectively decided to disown your son.
And that’s fine. Breakups happen. They’re not just for partnerships that don’t work out. You are well within your rights to say “this is spousal maltreatment, this is abominable treatment of the mother of my grandchildren, and I will not stand for it.”
The only possible issue is that, should your son repeat his pattern of behavior with DIL #2, I don’t see anyone well-positioned to help her (or any future grandkids from that union). That’s unfortunate. It’s also beyond your control.
Best wishes and good luck to you and yours.” stealmymemesitsOK
16. AITJ For Being Dependent On My Husband After Breaking My Foot?
This husband is a real winner…
“I (f44) broke my left foot in Nov when I missed the last 2 steps of the 3-story house staircase. My husband (m46) was there when the accident happened, heard me falling and moaning in pain but did not reach for me, did not help me up, nor instinctively comfort me.
Instead, he stood over me and just watched as I dealt with the pain; no physical contact whatsoever.
I garden and have 4 rescued cats. Feeding cats, clearing cat litter, pruning, and watering the plants are 100% my responsibility. My husband has no interest in cats or plants and tolerates them for my sake.
Ever since I broke my foot, my husband has taken over my chores, with much passive-aggressive resentment. In the initial stages as I learned to use the crutches for the first time in my life, he refused to offer any physical help; on multiple occasions just watched with arms crossed as I wobbled my way around, offering no physical contact nor assistance.
I had to search and buy my own crutches and wheelchair online.
My biggest mistake, which he never lets me forget, was buying a small travel wheelchair that requires a person to push me, instead of a bigger one with an inner wheel for me to wheel myself around.
Every time we use that wheelchair on weekend grocery shopping, he makes snide passive-aggressive remarks on how extremely inconvenient it was for him to have to push me around. He absolutely resents having to expand his energy and reminds me of that every single time.
He has been acting the opposite of a knight in shining armor, making me feel like a leper, like our wedding vows “in sickness and health” was a joke. He scolds me for the garden growing wild due to my “neglect.”
For some reason, he hates that I use office chairs with rollers, insisting that I should use crutches in the house, which would severely limit my ability to use my hands to do other things.
He even insists that I use crutches to go up/down the 3-story staircase. I explained that using crutches is tiring and unstable on the stairs (risk falling if my balance is off). Moreover, I lack confidence and have not gotten over my phobia of the staircase after the fall that broke my foot.
I don’t know why it bothers him so much, to the point that he has accused me multiple times of not helping myself get better, faster by using crutches in the house. He doesn’t even like that I use both crutches and wants me to use only 1 side of the crutch so that I have no choice but to walk on my broken foot with the belief that doing so will make the foot heal faster.
We’ve argued over this issue many times as I don’t agree with this logic. It’s been 2 months and he is fed up that I’m not healing faster to relieve him of his burden. I think he no longer wants to take care of the cats, plants, and me and hopes that by forcing me to walk on my broken foot using 1 crutch, I will have 1 hand free to do all those tasks on my own.
AITJ for not agreeing with my husband?”
Another User Comments:
“Oh honey, NTJ. I’m a disabled person in their 20s. My partner of 5 years is able-bodied. He has helped me through every step of my worsening health, including a hip surgery that left me in a clunky brace, non-weight-bearing with crutches, and unable to do anything by myself for a while.
He didn’t bat an eye even when I accidentally peed on his foot (nerve block meant I couldn’t tell I wasn’t on the toilet all the way, lol.) He helped me with the stairs and getting in bed, went with me to PT so he could help me more at home, did all the driving, carried groceries, brought me plates of food, etc.
That’s not a brag – that’s so you understand the bare minimum of what someone should do for their sick/injured partner. Your husband has gravely mistreated you and probably prolonged your injury. I hope someone else can come and assist you.” miwaonthewall
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
These cats and plants are YOUR hobbies. Not his, and 2+ months is not short-term. Find some other solution, or accept you can not take care of them anymore and give them up. What is your perspective? WHEN will you be able to do that yourself again?
And your husband is right; You need to be walking, not rolling around, or you will end up in a wheelchair permanently.
After two months, you are heading straight at that. TALK to your doctors about physiotherapy.
Also, get the other wheelchair, or start training your arms. You need to start taking responsibility for your life, not push everything at your husband. HE is your partner, not your servant.
You sound like you have given up walking and taking care of your responsibilities/hobbies ever again. So: For that, and for avoiding the stairs, get some therapy. This is not good for you, and neither is it good for your relationship.” Minute_Patient_8841
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, genuinely, what do you see that is good about this man? He is not caring, he’s not helpful, he’s trying to manipulate you into hurting yourself MORE because the mild inconvenience of helping you is too much for him.
He left you on the ground in pain when you were injured, do you think that he will help you if something worse were to happen? He’s showing you that he very explicitly doesn’t care about you, your health, or your welfare.” Fiigwort
15. AITJ For Wanting My Roommate To Get Her Own Place?
It’d be the best for everyone in the end.
“I (35F) moved across the country (US) a few years ago to get out of some toxic work/life relationships. I’ve been much happier because of it and even though I have more than 1 job; I love my jobs and manage to keep my head above water most of the time.
I agreed a year ago, Jan 2022, to let a friend (also 35F, let’s call them K) stay in my spare room while they get on their feet. My Landlord added an addendum to our lease as well to allow them to stay with an initial minor increase to our rent with the expectation (agreed on by all of us) K would do her best to move out after 9 months or so.
K got a part-time job, mostly 3-hour shifts here and there, at one of my places of work. Which was awesome, I recommended them for the job and am glad they got it and love it.
I also have a Work From Home IT job that is my full-time job.
Recently, I’ve been going into the actual office more (an hour commute one-way) because when I work from home, K lets herself into my room to ask if I was planning to order anything for lunch, or ask if I want any donuts, or just opens the door and stares which breaks my work focus.
I have told her that if the door is closed I’m probably in a meeting so to message me if she needs something. Not to mention I’m allergic to her pets so I wake up with a stuffy nose most days even though they aren’t allowed in my room.
I’m ready to have my place back.
I understand how hectic and expensive it is to find housing nowadays, especially if you’re by yourself and have pets. My landlord also understood, but increased our rent because she’s stayed longer.
When K has days off, she usually stays in bed and watches movies or reads.
Which is great for relaxing in downtime, except nearly every day is a day off. But when I ask how the job search is coming, I get brushed off. When I send links about other jobs I think she’d like I get, “Well, I want the current job to be my main, and it’s hard to find something that works around that schedule.” I don’t even want to ask how the housing search is coming because I know they wouldn’t be able to afford to move out.
It’s hard because I forced myself to get multiple jobs to support myself, and I feel like they aren’t really trying.
I can’t think of any time in the last year she’s bought groceries for the house. She has restocked sodas if she finished them.
I know it’s hard to get on your feet, especially after a move, but at the rate they are going they probably don’t have anything saved up for the potential of moving. I feel like I’ve crossed the line from supporting to enabling and I don’t know how to communicate that we may need to revisit priorities.
AITJ for wanting K to take finding a job seriously and not expect to stay indefinitely? Especially after agreeing initially to try and be out 4 months ago…”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She‘s using you so she doesn’t have to provide and take responsibility for herself.
This is extremely selfish and even somewhat manipulative.
You shouldn’t play along anymore. She has to step up and get in charge of her own life now and not make you invest in her laziness!” realstareyes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are being taken advantage of.
You have to give her a deadline to be out and MEAN IT. No delays, no excuses. Also, tell your landlord so that she knows she has to be out and you can get your rent decreased.” Blonde2468
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Give her a notice to evict, and stick to it. You are subsidizing all her “fun” downtime. Time for her to grow back to supporting herself, like the 35-year-old, she is.” Detroitaa
14. AITJ For Being Chill After Crashing Into My Friend's Car?
“On NYE, my (21) friend (21) Avery hosted a party in their vacation house that their parents own an hour away from where we usually live. I attended and was planning to leave around 11 pm NYE in order to get home before the roads got too dangerous or populated by inebriated drivers.
I had half a drink around 7 pm but was feeling completely sober at 11:00 pm when I considered leaving. When I was pulling out of the driveway, around 6 friends of Avery’s were standing in the driveway to my surprise, waiting for me to pull out before they went on a walk.
The driveway was meant for two cars but we had parked three cars and it was extremely foggy and rainy outside, so upon trying to complete a right turn and get out, the front left of my car hit Avery’s left bumper while the whole crowd of 6 friends was right there.
I immediately pulled away and got out – I was silently inspecting the damage. Another friend of Avery’s, Hayden, started to approach the cars and was clearly getting upset. They started to point out areas that I had hit and said that I had just crashed into Avery’s car (which obviously everyone could see).
They started to say X and Y damage was caused. I protested, saying that X was part of the design of the car and that Y was there before (because the location and nature of the mark was off). X clearly turned out to be a line detail (everyone can plainly see that) and about Y, Avery later privately to me said it was most likely already there.
Hayden then started to get really upset saying “you can’t deny you just hit a car.” I was very confused as to why they were getting involved and upset especially when I said I could pay for any damages incurred. Hayden took this as me further denying responsibility and eventually said “get the crap out of here, just go.”
That’s when I stopped paying attention to Hayden and just apologized to Avery and said that I would pay for any damages and get home safely.
Avery was super concerned about my sobriety but I assured them I was pretty much sober.
I got home safely and immediately called Avery, I apologized again and said to let me know of any damages to the car. Then, the next day Avery is asking me what I felt about Hayden.
I said I was confused about what Hayden was trying to get at. Avery said they were surprised to hear that since everyone spectating knew what they were getting at (implying they sided with Hayden). I’m not sure what this crowd or even Avery wanted out of me exactly, but I am known to be more stoic of a person than normal.
Avery then said, “You stood there and tried to minimize the fact that you just hit the car which speaks volumes”. However, in my perspective, I was denying Hayden’s specific charges and assessments, not the overall situation. Should I just have taken Hayden’s false assessments of the damage and kept quiet instead of arguing back?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You had half a drink 3 hours before you drove. That should be absolutely, positively fine for any normal human being.
You hit your friend’s car. The proper, SOBER thing to do, is exactly what you did. You grit your teeth, and see exactly what you just hit/damaged.
There’s no point in panicking, wailing in sorrow, or trying to run off into the darkness of the woods.
You and your friend should meet in the daylight and look at your two cars together to figure out what the damage is.
A bunch of possibly intoxicated people trying to judge auto body damage in the dark is as good as monkeys trying to write Shakespeare.” Graflex01867
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, being emotional and overthinking are not going to help. A calm head will do better than someone having a hysterical reaction.
Unless asked as witnesses, they needed to back up and let the driver and owner deal with this so everything could get assessed and taken care of before someone left.” blooddragon666
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you hadn’t written the last paragraph, I would’ve said that only Hayden was overreacting (are they closer to Avery than you are? Why were they so upset?) But then based on the last paragraph, it seems like your friend Avery also has some lingering anger/resentment about the situation that they aren’t openly expressing for whatever reason – it feels to me like they brought up Hayden in order to air these grievances.
Forget Hayden unless you have some personal relationship with them that you value. Figure out why Avery thinks YTJ and see if you can explain your side of things…accidents happen, you should take responsibility for it, but no need for someone to crucify you unnecessarily.” Commercial_Eye3100
13. AITJ For Kicking A Bridesmaid Out Of My Wedding For Showing Up In A Different Dress?
Lady, it isn’t your wedding!
“My (23F) wedding was back on Saturday, December 31st and I’m still getting backlash from this, so I want to know if this was a jerk move.
In the country I live in it’s currently winter, and we get a fair amount of snow so my wedding was a winter-themed wedding.
The color theme was forest green and gold. My dress was obviously white, and I chose the color of my bridesmaids’ dresses to be forest green as well. My MOH’s dress was black, and everyone was to wear gold accessories.
I have this friend, we’ll call her Kat, that I asked to be one of my bridesmaids.
When we went dress shopping and I told them the color theme I was going for, Kat immediately expressed that she thought forest green was a bad choice.
She said she thinks it’s not a flattering color and thought I should choose something different and more “girly.” I said no because my wedding was winter themed and I thought the color would go perfectly with the theme.
She suggested a pink, blue even a red. I said no, but thanks for your opinion. She found out my MOH’s dress was black and asked if she could wear black too. I said no, only my MOH is wearing black.
I paid for all the dresses.
Fast forward to wedding day, everyone’s getting their hair and makeup done and Kat shows up 30 minutes late holding a bag that looked like it had a dress inside. I asked her what this was for.
She told me it was for later on at the reception if she got uncomfortable and wanted to change after pictures. I was like ok cool.
So fast forward we’re all dressed and walking down the stairs because the ceremony is beginning in 30 mins and we were going to take some pictures before.
Kat is the last person to come down and she’s wearing a BLACK DRESS. At the time I was preoccupied taking pictures with my parents, but my MOH came over to me and made me aware of the situation.
I confronted Kat and asked her what was going on.
She said she hates her bridesmaid dress, as the color is ugly and makes her look gross so she’s wearing black. I told her please go back and change. She refused and started walking away from me. I said I’m going to ask her one more time, and if she doesn’t oblige I’m calling security and kicking her out.
She began yelling at me to screw off, so I called security and asked them to please escort her out. She started making a BIG scene yelling how I’m such a witch, that I can’t force her to wear anything, and that I’m a horrible inconsiderate friend.
The wedding went on and it was truly amazing.
Ever since the wedding, Kat has been blowing up my phone with texts saying some really nasty things and asking me to reimburse her for the amount she spent on the black dress since it was a waste and she didn’t get to wear it.
I had to block her number. Some of my other bridesmaids have been giving me crap saying that it was a little harsh kicking her out and embarrassing her like that. And that maybe I should pay her back. AITJ for kicking her out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She embarrassed herself. She agreed to wear the dress you picked out, and then deceitfully planned to change at the last moment in the hope that you’d just let her get away with it. She knew that you would tell her no.
Think of being in a wedding as like playing a part in a play, or a ballet, or something. You get cast as “bridesmaid,” so you wear the costume that the artistic director has picked out for bridesmaids to wear. If you don’t want to wear the costume, don’t be in the show.
But you can’t just show up on opening night and say “I didn’t like your costume choices, so I’m going to wear the same costume as this other character instead.”” _mmiggs_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in the slightest.
Your friend’s concerns and eventual outburst all seem to stem from how she thought she would look during your and your partner’s celebration.
That is the last thing someone should care about on their friend’s wedding day.
On top of it all, you were gracious enough to purchase all the dresses for them. Kat’s selfish attitude, her untimeliness to your wedding, and the way she treated you that day/how she is texting you now are uncalled for.
Congratulations on your wedding, and may you and your partner have many happy years together.” Psycho_Coyote
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and do not give her a penny for the dress. She bought that dress of her own free will and she didn’t have to pay for the one you wanted her to wear.
The price of the dress and her “embarrassment” are the price she pays for being deceitful, sneaky, and manipulative. If the color was that big of a problem she could have dropped out, no harm no foul. Having a color you want specifically is not a big ask.
If I was a bridesmaid I would drop out before paying for a dress I didn’t like and would probably never wear again. If it was paid for? Done deal. I understand having problems with parts of being a bridesmaid but you either do it or drop out you don’t pull this stunt and make someone else’s day about your selfishness.
A day people spent a lot of time, energy, money, and CARE in planning.
Leave her blocked. Don’t pay her. And ask your bridesmaids if they would want someone else messing up THEIR special days. Don’t let them make you feel bad about this because it’s not fair and you didn’t do anything wrong at all.” Best_Hex
12. AITJ For Inviting Friends Over Even Though It Makes My Brother Uncomfortable?
“So I (30F) live with my 2 kids & my brother (21M).
I have been on disability support for the last 2 years after getting out of a toxic relationship and have been working my butt off to get back on my feet.
Recently got an apprenticeship with my mentor who works out of a private studio. My brother knows how much this means to me, he’s seen what I’ve been through with my ex. I have the go-ahead from my mentor to start tattooing volunteers, but due to logistics around the space in the studio, I need to tattoo my friends in my home in the meantime.
I have been telling my brother about this exciting new chapter of my life for months. He seemed ok with it & even kind of encouraging at the time.
Today, while discussing his responsibilities around the house, I brought up the smell wafting into the living/dining area from his bedroom & asked him to clean it as I was planning on having my friends over to do tattoos on them next month.
He suddenly got a very serious look on his face and flatly told me that he was NOT comfortable with people being in the apartment and complained that I didn’t consult with him first. He claims because of how we grew up without having guests, he could not be comfortable with people being “in his space” & that I should be more considerate as he “lives here too.”
I asked him if it would make a difference if my friends were just visiting for a couple of hours once or twice a week, and he argued that I “should only have friends over ONCE in a while.” He called me selfish & claims this temporary arrangement is unfair.
According to him, I should be running every visitor by him first. He has never said this before.
The next details about him are important & relevant to the story:
He is regularly late & short on his portion of rent. I always cover for him on time so that we don’t end up evicted & he takes forever to pay me back.
Today he told me he’ll be late for rent again & he hasn’t even finished paying me back for this month.
His room is in bad condition (Think: an episode of TLC’s Hoarders) knee-high piles of garbage from his takeout, dirty laundry, & tons of moldy rotting food.
It is a wonder that we don’t have pests at the moment. The stench of his room wafts each time he opens his door.
He doesn’t clean up after himself in the kitchen & bathroom. I am forced to clean his food, garbage, hair, & even urine from these rooms.
I ask him to help & he flat out refuses or says “I’ll do it later” which adds to my domestic labor load, considering I have 2 autistic kids under 8.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Can you level up your life by moving away from this grossly unreasonable roommate? Perhaps having people over reminds him of his poor life choices: smelly garbage, self-care clean up, inability to budget.
This, paired with late rent is a consistent reminder he does not value your relationship. Best to you. You float his housing and deserve 1/2 of the shared space to enhance your life.” DesertSong-LaLa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- You did what you had to do to keep him off the streets and are continuing to do it.
You’re not asking a lot just a friend or two over a week. But he’s not holding up his end by paying rent on time or helping keep the place clean. If he’s not doing his part then his say in what goes on doesn’t count as much. I would also suggest he get some therapy to unpack some of that baggage.” TypicalAd3575
11. AITJ For Not Allowing My Daughter To Visit Her Maternal Grandma?
“My mom (53) is in a relationship with a man (50-something) that is a known dealer in our community. He has been dealing substances off and on since the early 90s, causing him to be in and out of prison over the last 30 years.
His last arrest was in 2018. He was released from prison, spent some time in a halfway house, and just got out of the halfway house weeks ago. My mom picked him up, but he is not living with my mom.
I (30) expressed my concern about her seeing him, but my mom brushed it off. My mom has a track record of being with these types of men & I’ve never said anything about it, but I now have a 1-year-old daughter.
My mom babysits my daughter at her house sometimes (maybe once or twice a month) on weekends when I go get my nails done, grocery shop, etc.
My daughter’s daycare is closed the week between Xmas and New Year’s. So I had to line up babysitters for a week.
My mom was supposed to babysit my daughter on Thursday. So I drove to my mom’s house Thursday morning & when I got there, there was another car at my mom’s house that I didn’t recognize. I figured it was her man’s car, so I didn’t even stop.
I kept driving & I went back home. I called my mom on my way home & told her that my husband and I don’t want our daughter around people we don’t know, especially people like her new partner. She couldn’t answer me over the phone because her partner was with her.
So she said ok, hung up, and started texting me. We got into a huge argument via text. Basically, I told my mom that she has a poor judgment of men and she needs to seek therapy to find out why she always gets with these types of men.
The real blow was when I told her my daughter wouldn’t be coming to her house as long as she is with him.
My mom claims that her man has changed and he’s ready to live right. I told my mom that I don’t know him.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. He has only been “out” for a few weeks, not nearly long enough to prove that he won’t be selling substances again. I told my mom that if he starts selling again, my daughter will not be caught in the crossfire of a possible police visit to her house, a substance bust, or worse, one of her partner’s disgruntled “colleagues” coming by because he owes them or something.
My husband and I are very much aligned on this. My MIL & the rest of my husband’s family also agree with us. I also brought up that my mom can always visit my daughter at my house, which I had already told my mom.
My dad & dad’s side of the family also agree.
Most of my mom’s side of the family thinks I am overreacting. My mom’s family thinks that there is no harm in my daughter being at my mom’s house when her partner is not there.
I feel like it is still a high risk because if he is at my mom’s often (even when my daughter isn’t there) and he starts on his old “career” path again, my mom’s house will be a target for police and other bad people/things.
So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! All of your concerns are valid. You’re also setting the tone for the rest of your child’s life that you won’t allow that kind of activity around them. This is a clear boundary and it sounds like your mother’s family needed to hear that.” CodiMill
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Hard to believe the rest of your family (mom’s side) says you are wrong. Are you sure they know the real story? Regardless your stand is correct.” RevolutionaryCow7961
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and keep your kid safe. Then watch. If lots of time passes and he truly has changed (it can happen, I’ve seen it), you can re-evaluate the situation. If he has changed, he will understand your thinking.” dwells2301
10. AITJ For Being The Reason My Co-Workers Got Busted?
“Working in retail is obviously a crappy job. But one thing I learned working in a grocery store is that coworkers make or break your work environment. I (23M) am part of the customer service team who is responsible for maintaining the front-end team, which includes cashiers, cleaners, and helpers.
The management team about a month ago hired a few employees who do not do their own jobs and make excuses that force other employees to take up the slack.
They have very similar types of excuses that always concern a physical injury that makes them unable to perform heavy lifting.
The only job they are willing to do is bagging for customers. Management requires a doctor’s note to give them a lighter workload, which they conveniently do not provide. So, they are scheduled for heavier workloads such as bringing in shopping carts, putting up groceries (regular grocery store work).
They try to find opportunities to just wander around the store or do almost do-nothing jobs. Since I am responsible for supervising the cashiers and cleaners, they come up to me and request me to give them that work.
For the first few days, I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt and try to keep their workloads as low as possible.
Recently they started to feel entitled to those jobs and started lying even more, knowing that I will not confirm it with the management, anytime I push back they will start behaving rudely with me. For example, they will not listen and just stop giving a crap altogether.
They would start berating me if I asked them to do anything they didn’t like. This did not fit right with me. But, I just couldn’t go complain about it without any proof, so I egged one of them intentionally in front of a floor manager knowing full well that he will try to make something up or just lie outright.
One thing led to another, more stories came out. Every time they were forced to do something, they reacted badly to it. So, now 2 coworkers of mine are under observation all the time, which means now they have to work twice as hard as any other coworkers or else they are called out for slacking.
On one hand, I feel that what I did was right because they were forcing others to do the work they were supposed to do. But on the other hand, I don’t want anyone to be forced to work as much as they have to do now.
Since management cannot fire them, they are forced to work harder until they quit on their own. And with the coming months, it is going to be much harder for them to get a job in retail or food industry.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…
you’re gonna meet these lazy freeloaders at every job you have… even when you’re high level, there will be other managers and “leaders” who don’t pull their weight simply because they can get away with it. Cut them out ASAP or they will pull everyone down…
When you find a good person/worker, show your appreciation and give recognition when it’s deserved…
My current CEO who I report to has high expectations but helps me have what I need to succeed and legit cares about me being happy… and she always gives me the credit that I worked for.
As a by-product, I work my butt off for her because I feel valued… just a little goes a long way…” _son_of_the_mountain
Another User Comments:
“I work retail and have had something similar happen. What you are doing by trying to be the “nice guy” has reared its head in the apathy of those workers that just don’t give a crap.
That being said, you are not going to management about this terrible behavior that these workers exhibit. This not only causes you to suffer but the other coworkers that have to pick up the slack.
If you are in a position to “be responsible,” then do the right thing.
As it stands for me right now, because of your lack of conviction that makes others suffer, YTJ.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ (for getting them in trouble).
Doesn’t matter what industry you work in, or at what pay grade. You pull your weight as part of the team, or you get the heck out.
If there are reasons why you can’t undertake certain responsibilities, you get evidence as to why.
If anything you’re a bit of a jerk for letting them carry on for so long. If I were a member of your team picking up THEIR slack, I’d be angry as heck at you.” ButterMyParsnip
9. AITJ For Not Wanting To Spend A Couple Of Weeks With My In-Laws?
“My husband and I live in Austria, my home country. He is Italian. We are currently visiting his family for two weeks with our baby daughter (under a year) for the Holidays. We visit a couple of times per year, usually max one week.
We have a big bedroom for the three of us, all the other rooms are shared. His family is caring about everything, also his mom basically cooks all the meals, etc. He asked me – when we decided to come here for two weeks – if I am okay with it.
I said it’s quite tough for me, staying for two weeks in another house, etc, but if it’s so important for him (Baby’s first Christmas and they cannot see the baby so often), we can do that.
Now we are here for around 5 days and I am kind of exploding already.
I have to say they are really really nice people. Everyone is always trying to make me feel comfortable. But I’ve lived on my own since I was 18. I am not used to staying at another person’s home for two weeks.
It’s been five days that I couldn’t decide on my own what to eat and when, cannot make any decision on my own. I already lost a couple of kilos since staying here, which is fine, because I am slightly overweight.
But I really feel like sometimes they put me on a diet on purpose.
They really have good intentions and are nice people, but every attempt at contribution/independence is also a kind of sabotage. I suggested cooking a meal. My MIL is preparing a second meal (in Italy, two courses are common).
For New Year’s, I prepared dessert. There was another dessert prepared.
My husband and I are having arguments because I am unhappy and cranky I admit. I said that we can totally come for two weeks, but if we could stay in a rental apartment.
He says that’s not an option because that would be totally rude in Italy. And that because he moved to Austria for me, I owe him that we stay with his family when we are in Italy.
I have to say I disagree about that.
I think a relationship is a give and take, but I don’t think I owe him something for what was also his decision (I did not drag him to Austria). We can come to Italy as often as he wants; I just would like to have our own place.
It’s really not good for our relationship. And honestly, who is not going crazy staying two weeks with family/in-laws?
AITJ for not wanting to stay in their house when we are here (or not for two weeks at least, up to 5 days is okay)?”
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ.
You said you would stay for 2 weeks and are now making a fuss about it. I get that you are not in your comfort zone, and it is ok for you to express your unhappiness, but it is not ok to somehow blame your SO and family for their having you over and living arrangement.
If you are worried about independence then plan a day for yourself and your husband just the two of you while the in-laws watch your daughter (or bring her with you). If food is a concern, then have a snack. These issues of independence seem less like issues and more like minor inconveniences blown out of proportion.
No one is saying you have to be thrilled about being at your in-laws’. But if it bothers you so much then you MUST communicate what and why it bothers you so much, and find solutions.” Far_Concentrate2826
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Staying with family can be hard.
I do think 4 or 5 nights is about the max I could handle too.
You didn’t force him to move and you are not forcing him to miss time with his family.
Can you compromise and take a mini-break in the middle of any stay longer than a week? Explore somewhere in Italy you have not been…
takes away the insult factor of staying close by but not with them. Even just head off and leave him and baby with family for 2 nights?
You are allowed to have boundaries and he should respect them as much as you can respect his need to see the family.” squirlysquirrel
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and a 1st-time mom with a fussy baby.
A fussy baby can make anyone a jerk.
I am married to an Italian American, and Vienna to Rome is closer than our home is to NY/NJ. Christmases out there were miserable, and the summer trips were awful too. And yes, a week or two was our norm.
I can’t pick a #1 worst experience –maybe the Christmas we stayed 8 places in 7 nights? All the bags were in, and at 11 PM, Great Grandma decided she just wasn’t up to it. Maybe when my husband and SIL went off for a fun 6-hour day on a boat that was so fun it became a 14-hour day leaving me, pregnant and throwing up, with my toddler, my 9-year-old niece, her friend, but not a car nor food?
You get a room; my husband thought maybe my asthma wouldn’t kick in this time when we stayed with the cat family again.
Your husband’s family feeds you! I learned to pack coffee, filters, and a collapsible cone in my carry-on. Hotels? NEVER!! We must stay with family even though the family has no space for us.
I no longer have to go because my kids grew up wanting to come home and chill.
That toddler is in grad school and was asked to be a bridesmaid for the niece; they are close. Grandma flies her out when the women gather for weddings and baby showers. My quick trips to the weddings and other rites are lots and lots of fun.
Lots of fun.
You’re in a long game. Who will that baby know? Those very nice inlaws and everyone in their circles sound pretty good to me. Two weeks is endless to you, but it is not about you. It is about Baby, husband, and in-laws.
Remember your vows, scream in your head, and let them develop their relationship.” solomons-mom
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I don’t get why you can’t decide on your own ‘what to eat and when, cannot make any decision on my own.’ Are you being held prisoner? In shackles? Locked in the house? If you don’t feel your contributions are appreciated, stop.
And do you not see the irony in ‘I think a relationship is a give and take but I don’t think I owe him something for what was also his decision’? You don’t live in the same country as his parents/extended family.
Of course he’s going to want to stay with them. Figure out how -you- can handle it better. Rent a car. Take a day trip. Get out on your own or with your husband if he’ll come and do something while they watch your baby.
You keep saying they are nice people. If they were toxic, I would have a different opinion maybe.” rbrancher2
8. AITJ For Not Cleaning As Much As My Wife Asks?
“I had a major fight with my wife a few hours ago and I strongly think I’m in the right but she is so angry I almost feel like I’m the crazy one. I’ll provide context. I married my wife 3 years ago but we have been together 6.
One important thing to note is she’s extremely clean. I regret not moving in together until we married because while I knew she was clean I didn’t know the full extent. Let this be a lesson to live with your partner before marriage.
She is the reason why our house looks like a model home. She hates dishes in the sink while I’m content to let them sit for a couple of days. She spends her off days scrubbing bathrooms because in her mind they should be cleaned weekly.
She doesn’t let me bring my shoes inside and insists I shower immediately when I get home before laying in bed. There are a million more things but hopefully you have an idea.
This didn’t start hurting our marriage until we had kids.
We have a 2-year-old and a 1-year-old. I’m a stay-at-home dad. I left work when our youngest was born and that is when our disagreement on how clean the home needs to be started to get worse. She expects me to do most of the chores now when it used to be primarily her and I wouldn’t mind if they were reasonable.
She wants the children to have a bath every day, and I think every 1-3 days is fine. She wants all of their toys put away by the end of the day and I think there is no point when it will be a mess again.
She wants the dishes done daily. She wants all house bedding washed weekly. She wants me to vacuum weekly. She wants me to mop every 3-4 days since in her logic the kids spend a lot of time playing on the floor.
They will not be hurt or sick if I mop every 2 weeks. Because I don’t play along with most of her demands she ends up being the one to do most of the housework when she gets home or her rare off days.
She works 40-80 hours/week so it is a lot but she does it to herself. I feel I do what is reasonable. This all built up to today. She got home and saw I hadn’t yet washed the dishes and there was still grease/food in some of the pans and on the countertop.
Also, I hadn’t yet brought in the trash cans from the previous two days when they were emptied. She flew off the handle calling me lazy and a slob. She said she would like for me to return to work since in her eyes I’m doing a poor job and use the pay to hire a weekly housekeeper and a nanny who “wouldn’t leave the kids in pjs all day.” I got mad and told her she is crazy and she works herself up over small things and I will not be leaving my kids with a stranger.
She packed a bag for herself and our babies and to her mom’s house. I’m furious. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Every single thing you listed as her cleanliness standards are very reasonable in my book – they are the same standards I have in my home.
If I had children, they would likely be stricter since kids touch everything, put stuff in their mouths, roll around on the floor, etc. In my book, I would consider you a slob.
Right now, your wife is coming home to a place where she doesn’t feel comfortable living.
Regardless of how you feel about cleanliness, SHE ISN’T COMFORTABLE IN HER OWN HOME. That, in my opinion, supersedes your disagreement about cleanliness standards. Think of how you would feel in her place.
From what I’m reading here, you’re a SAHD and you’re not keeping up your end of the bargain.
If you don’t think you should clean that often, then she’s right – you should go back to work and hire someone to help keep your house clean.
YTJ.” NuclearSky
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m shocked at all of the YTJ posts. If this were reversed and OP was a woman, people would be suggesting hiring help, recognizing that 2 under 2 is hard, etc., etc.
Caring for a 2-year-old and a 1-year-old is exhausting! I love, love, love a model clean home, but with multiple kids and one being extra clingy it’s impossible to get the chores done to model level every day. We don’t know how his kids behave during the day or how active he is with them, so why call him a jerk because they don’t agree on the level of cleanliness? Look on any new or sahm mom group – dishes aren’t always done daily, laundry gets done when it can, not everyone bathes their kids every single day (I’m sure I could pull more from frequent discussions).
It sounds like you both have two different versions of what clean is, so the best thing to do is to find a way to meet in the middle. Yes, she loves it spotless, but she has to accept it won’t be to her level since you are the one home most of the time busy with kids and hopefully is able to recognize the positives of you being home with them.
It’s completely unrealistic for him to have to live to the standards of a model clean home while caring for 2 young children. Caring for the kids is his current job, so his “off” time is when she’s home. Her off time is when she’s home.
They can both use their off time to clean together, but again, they need to meet in the middle.” dubcdg
Another User Comments:
“Truly, is it even remotely possible that you actually are this clueless? I’m single and I don’t even live like you do.
Run the dishwasher every night. Leaving dishes in the sink attracts pests.
Bathrooms should be cleaned weekly. They are a huge source of germs. If you have a son, you will soon learn this lesson…right around the time he starts potty training.
He will miss the target and pee on the floor. Your wife will scrub it up each time. You will allow the yellow puddle to dry and cake on.
I’ll give you the shoes in the house. I’m okay with that. If you come in hot and sweaty, head straight for the shower before you even sit on the furniture, much less stretch out on the bed.
My father walks in the front door, announces “I’m taking a shower, I’ll be back” and heads down the hall to the bathroom.
Ever hear of dermatitis neglecta? It’s caused by a buildup of dead skin cells, oils, and other materials on the skin.
It can cause scaly, itchy patches. When someone scratches those patches, they become subject to secondary infections. Also, please note that the condition is caused by neglect…which can result in CPS involvement to make sure your children are not being neglected.
Personal hygiene will be hugely important to your kids when they are older. You are not giving them a good foundation now.
I could be a little forgiving on the toy issue, but not on the vacuuming/mopping issue. Look at the bottom of your shoes.
Ask yourself if you’ve ever stepped in dog poo in those shoes. Even if you scraped it off before coming in, you’ve still brought those germs in on the floor. Your kids crawl around on that floor. They pick stuff up off that floor and stick it in their mouths.
You are doing a poor job. She ends up doing everything on her day off because you don’t do anything. I’m amazed she put up with you for this long. Your wife is right. You are wrong. If she leaves you and provided a copy of this post to her divorce attorney, you will probably only get supervised visitation or you may be required to be monitored by CPS to make sure you are not neglecting your kids and that you are keeping your home clean enough for them to be there with you.” Legitimate-Moose-816
7. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Daughter Her Education Fund?
“I (54M) have two children (23F and 21M) with my wife (52F). When the kids were young, my parents set up education funds for both of them, which was very generous of them.
My wife and I always expected our kids to attend college and then graduate school, as we have done.
I have a Ph.D., my wife has a master’s. Because of this, we decided not to use the funds for our kids’ undergrad degrees and did not tell them about the funds.
My daughter has always been more into the liberal arts, while my son is more of a STEM guy.
My wife and I worried about her ability to find a job, but she insisted on studying music and film in college. She was accepted to some top schools and chose to attend a rather expensive one, but she had scholarships to cover almost all of her tuition.
Everything else, plus living expenses, was her responsibility. She lived in a very small apartment shared with friends in a not-so-nice area far from campus, but she was fine and learned how to budget effectively. After graduating, she luckily found a job that doesn’t pay extremely well but she enjoys, and scrapped the idea of grad school.
My son decided to do engineering, and he also expressed that he had no interest in grad school. My wife and I were disappointed, but accepted it since at this point he is already all set up with a very good job when he completes school.
Since he did not receive as many scholarships as his sister, we decided to use his education fund to cover his tuition and living expenses. He was able to get a large and nice apartment of his own close to the school, which is important since his classes are so demanding and he needs a comfortable space to work.
My daughter was confused and asked how he could afford this, and he told her about the education fund. She called us and asked why she didn’t have one, and we told her she did, we just didn’t use it because we hoped she would attend grad school.
She seemed hurt by this and asked if there was any way she could have the fund now. We explained that there would be a fee to simply withdraw the fund for non-education uses, and if we chose to do that it would belong to her grandparents so they could put it towards their own use.
She’s been quiet and short when answering our texts and hasn’t answered our calls at all since then. I know that it seems unfair to her, but it’s not really her fund in the first place and she’s no longer in college.
Plus, her brother only received it for educational purposes and it wouldn’t be right for her to just have it to spend now. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Do you know why all that you did seems unfair to your daughter? Because it is unfair to your daughter.
You had the ability to use the funds to cover her living expenses during her undergraduate. (This, of course, is a bit bizarre. Are you a trustee of a trust? Or did the grandparents set up a 529 plan and give you full control over it.) Yet you did not even tell your daughter about these funds.
Talk about a faithless trustee.
At this point, you need to grovel. You need to apologize for substituting your judgment as to the best way to use the funds for your daughter’s judgment. You need to make amends. Then you need to circle back and see what the terms of your parent’s bequest were.
(And, honestly, I’d get an attorney to do this for you as you’ve already demonstrated your judgment is beyond suspect.) Most trusts have provisions for disbursement of the corpus if the purposes cannot be fulfilled. I doubt, honestly, though, that your parents meant for their gift to be returned to them in the event that their grandkids didn’t go to college or in the event that they didn’t need the fund for college.
And don’t even get me started on the favoritism. You use the funds for your son to enjoy a cushy life during his undergraduate studies but didn’t do the same for your little girl? Really? Seriously?
In case there was any doubt, YTJ, truly and completely.” He_Who_Is_Right_
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I assumed this would be the classic “my kid didn’t go to college and wants their college fund” – but it isn’t even. Neither child went to grad school, but you decided to give the fund to one but not the other, so it’s not even about grad school like you pretended.
You basically decided your daughter’s goals didn’t meet your approval so you didn’t give her the fund that had been set aside for her.” NapalmAxolotl
Another User Comments:
“YTJ—the funds were for her education. You did not say there were caveats to the agreement.
You shouldn’t have withheld finances forcing her to live in an unsafe area because you don’t agree with her choices. Scholarships or not, she still deserved the fund. Also, YTJ because you hid this from her, but not her brother. Why do you clearly favor your son? Also, YTJ because just because you have a Ph.D.
and your wife has a master’s doesn’t make you smarter or better than anyone else, and you clearly think it does. It just makes you more educated—not better or smarter. Get over yourself, apologize to your daughter, and support BOTH of your kids’ dreams. Sheesh.” gorillaboy75
6. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Sister Meet Her Nephew?
“I (28M) have been married to my wife for 4 years and we have a 2-year-old son together. My older sister Ariel has 2 kids with her husband. She is my only sibling but we do not speak and haven’t since my wedding 4 years ago.
My wife knew I had no relationship with my sister or mother whenever we got together but now it’s causing an argument.
We were a pretty typical family until my mom had an affair my senior year of high school with a coworker.
My dad moved out immediately and I moved with him. This caused the riff between me and my sister. My sister believed since my mom was sorry and it was a one-time thing (as she claimed which I don’t for a second believe) and was trying to reconcile through the church that me and my dad’s refusal to speak with her was somehow wrong.
I was 18 and my sister was 20. Long story but eventually my sister stopped speaking with my dad. I haven’t seen my mom since 2016 and we have only spoken once since 2019 when she tried to invite herself to my wedding.
She was not invited but my sister was out of courtesy. My sister didn’t show up and we have not spoken since. My wife knew when she married me that my only family was my dad and my cousins. She said it was okay and she didn’t care.
So a few months ago, my wife got a call from my sister’s husband (I’ve never met him) and he said that he wanted to start mending the bridge and would like to have me come meet their kids. I said no.
Well then my sister started sending pics of her kids to my wife and my wife sent pictures back. I told her multiple times I did not like this and she told me she could send pics to whoever she wants.
I said that if she keeps testing my boundaries she will be a single parent really soon. That she signed up for me as is. My wife is saying it’s wrong to deprive my son of his family. I said I don’t even have a relationship with my sister or BIL so why should my kid? That doesn’t make me feel comfortable at all and I don’t even know these people.
Also, any pic she sends could easily be forwarded to my mom and she needed to think about that. She said she doesn’t even understand why my mom can’t meet her kid and that comment alone made me mad because I’ve explained my family drama for years and it feels like she just ignored it.
I said she really needs to think about who she wants to appease because I’m not gonna stand for disrespect of my boundaries. My dad totally agrees with me and is telling me I should start setting aside finances now for an exit strategy.
Because my wife’s behavior is exactly how my mom used to act and I should see the warning signs now. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH, but you suck the hardest. “If she keeps testing your boundaries she’ll be a single woman soon”? Like what? You’re threatening your wife, the lady that carried and gave birth to your kid just a couple of years ago because you have mommy issues? Your sister didn’t have an affair on you too, get over it.
She’s petty too. Your dad is a jerk for encouraging you to get divorced and making the comps to your mom when your wife did nothing but accept an olive branch. You are wrong for depriving your kid of his family unless you think your mom’s affair makes her unfit as a grandparent.
I had a lot of similar trauma with my parents and serial affairs and divorce, etc., and you’ll be happier with yourself and life once you realize that people are nuanced and accept them for who they are, and not who you’d like them to be.” Basic_Ask1885
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Disregard your father’s opinion for a minute as it can be biased. Focus on you and your wife. Counseling would be the way to make her truly understand where you’re coming from. If that doesn’t work, and she insists on prioritizing her opinion above your own family history, feelings, and boundaries, then a divorce would be understandable.
It would be a heckish toxic relationship to have to wake up day after day next to someone who you know essentially betrayed the promise to work as a team and stabbed you upfront.
And it was pretty crappy of your sister to course any appeal for reconciliation via her husband and your wife.
Manipulative.” peregrine_throw
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Get the heck over your family drama from a decade ago.
People aren’t perfect. Your mom isn’t perfect. And from the post, you are just as imperfect.
Massive red flags here on control issues and anger.
You were a teenager and your dad turned you forever against your mom.
Think about that. Divorces happen; the vast majority don’t end with a young adult refusing to speak to their other parent forever.
Dude, you got emotionally mistreated by your dad and you want to pay that damage forward to your wife and child because apparently hurting your mom and sister wasn’t enough. And now your dad is trying to ruin your marriage. You should be mature enough and removed enough to see this for what it was.” GrumpyBearBank
5. AITJ For Kicking Out A Family That We Moved Into Our Home?
“My (40 M) wife (40 F) and I live in an off-grid home with our son (16), daughter (11), son (3), and foster daughter (17) outside of a small mountain town (2k people) in the central USA.
My son works in a deli in town and at his job met “Rachel” and her 3 young girls.
My son can’t drive yet so we take him to work and know his coworkers.
7 weeks ago Rachel called and said that her partner had taken the car and left her in town. Could we give her and the kids a ride home? We agreed.
Come to find out they are illegally staying on someone else’s land in a trailer. The police are kicking them off the land and the relationship is over so they are about to be homeless.
We talked and invited them to stay with us.
The next day Rachel was fired from the deli and we help them move into my oldest son’s bedroom (he is ok with this and we made him a private space). We discuss the rules with Rachel and let them get some rest.
We give Rachel and the kids a few days to settle in. During this time the kids are completely unsupervised and we rarely see Rachel. We assume exhaustion and are fine with helping watch the kids. After a couple of days, we sit Rachel down to discuss a timeline and help her with resources (my wife works at a homeless shelter and has access).
Rachel says early Feb is good. We say that we say that’s too long and it has to be the first week of Jan. We discuss other house rules. She agrees.
In the weeks that follow, we order a part for her car as it’s inoperable, let her use our cars, and help out with food, kids, etc.
We know finances are tight so we only ask for some help with food.
Friends pitch in to help with Christmas gifts, clothes, and finding housing and job leads. My wife calls some local resources and passes on updated info to Rachel.
10 people in our home is straining our utilities as our power and water systems are not designed for this many people. We are running out of water sometimes and our power use is way up and I have to run the generator a lot.
It is also straining us and our kids. Rachel is helping with chores but her kids are often unsupervised and do what unsupervised kids do, get into everything, wake people up early, etc.
We talked to Rachel about all of this and reminded her the agreed move-out day is 3 weeks away.
She has lots of reasons she hasn’t made any progress on housing and says she has been hired at two jobs but she doesn’t have a start day. Another 2 weeks go by.
Yesterday we talked with Rachel to get a status and basically, she has made no progress except a job that starts this week.
We held firm to the timeline and she basically said well I guess we will just go to a shelter.
We are very conflicted about holding fast on our timeline mostly because of the kids. There are way more details on how this has gone but I can’t fit it all in.
We want to help but we are at our limit.
AITJ for pushing out this family?”
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk here. You have done a wonderful thing by keeping this family from homelessness. It’s clearly putting a strain on your family, so I would stick to the agreed-upon day and let them go to a shelter that will have more resources.
Finding a job in a town of 2k can be difficult even in the best of times. My small town of 9k won’t hire anyone anywhere if you don’t have certain last names or display a certain amount of wealth. I can’t imagine an even smaller town.
But even all of that was exacerbated after 2020, when businesses liked to post that they were hiring but never actually did so they could continue getting PPP loans. So many people were looking for work and couldn’t get any. Have you actually helped her try to find work? I’m not saying this is the situation with her, but there could be some reason for her not being able to find employment.” theymightbezombies
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk.
Although I’m guessing my stance will be unpopular, I don’t see any jerks here. You have been very kind to open your home to this family. You have worked with them and been clear about what is expected from day one.
While your guest family is dragging the chain, my guess is that they are disorganized, lacking in resources, and probably enjoying your hospitality even as their stay wears very thin. So they are in no hurry to go. If you don’t hold fast to your timeline they won’t be going anywhere.” zwergschnauzer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You’ve been very generous in taking on her and her kids, but now she’s using your house as a permanent residence with free childcare. Time to move her out; just put her, her belongings, and her kids in the car and bring them to a motel. I know it sounds harsh to just drop them somewhere, but it will force her to take control of her own life instead of just camping out in your house.” Reddit user
4. WIBTJ For Giving Away A Nice Gift I Received For Christmas?
“My spouse and I (both 30s) don’t enjoy the gifting aspect of Christmas. It’s expensive, it’s stressful, we used to find ourselves just buying random, generic stuff for a lot of our family members because we had no idea what to buy, but felt obligated to buy something (these are mostly people who already have everything they need/want.)
A few years ago, we told our families we wouldn’t be participating in gifts.
We’d still come and visit, and bring Christmas cheer, and eat food and hang out, all good things. We even suggested keeping gifting (between us and them; we never tried to change what they all gave each other) to small, nominal things like scratch-offs and candy or $5 coffee gift cards.
Just easy, consumable stuff that won’t become clutter once we got it home.
From the way our families reacted, you’d think we suggested killing puppies as a fun holiday activity.
They also chose to ignore us.
Three years ago, everybody mostly complied, but with a heavy helping of guilt tripping and telling us “you don’t need to buy me anything, but I want to buy things for you.” Which, okay sure, but I find it really difficult to have a one-sided present exchange and NOT feel guilty about it.
2020, no visits, no gifting, socially distanced holiday bliss.
Last year, we reiterated that we don’t want to do gifts. So my father called me up to guilt trip me about letting my mother buy me things since it’s so important to her.
He managed to get me to agree to her gifting us an experience, rather than a tangible thing, just to make the conversation end. We agreed they would buy us day passes for a local spa.
We got $400 worth of spa passes.
And a box of frozen meat on our doorstep a week later.
And I realize how ungrateful and bratty I sound, but it’s so frustrating that they refuse to just respect my wishes.
This year, the same thing, I said we’re not doing gifts this year.
We went to visit my parents, and what do we find?
A $450 inflatable hot tub for SO and me. And a house full of guests we felt obligated to perform gratitude in front of.
I just feel blindsided, hurt, and a bit manipulated that instead of any kind of private conversation about it, my parents just steamrolled over the boundary I set, all in front of an “audience.” Ofc we said thank you and acted like we were happy to receive it, but I actually just feel crappy.
So WIBTJ if I gave it away on Marketplace? I feel like the only way to get my message through is by demonstrating that they just dropped a couple of hundred bucks on something some random neighbor of mine will get to enjoy.
And I feel like a jerk about it. They’re going to ask about it and ask why it’s not set up in the yard next time they’re here.”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ – are you entirely unfamiliar with the concept of gratitude?! Who the heck attends a gathering empty-handed!?!? Doesn’t have to be expensive gifts – bottle of spirits, homemade cookies, even store-bought cookies – only complete jerks attend an event with empty hands.
Obv the people who raised you know these bits of common decency. Sucks the lesson was lost on you.” Prestigious_Badger36
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I understand both sides of this. I have some family members who prefer to not exchange gifts and although I was upset at first because I’d prefer to get them gifts (it makes me happy when I find the perfect gift that I think somebody will love), I’ve respected their boundaries.” Little-Comfortable26
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
(1) You made things clear and they ignored your wishes. (2) it’s your gift to do whatever you want with it.
Also, when your dad talks about how it’s important to your mother, he’s basically saying your mother’s feelings are more important than yours.
If they keep insisting, ask them to make donations to a charity in your name. That way your mom gets to spend, you don’t have to deal with gifts, and a charity benefits.” HolyGonzo
3. AITJ For Trying To Get My Fiance To Choose Someone Else As His Best Man?
“My fiance, Kevin (M28) and I (F30) had initially planned to get married a few years ago, but due to the fact that the world was falling apart, we postponed it until things calmed down and our family felt safer at a big event.
We’ve now set a day for this coming August and as we get closer more and more thoughts keep coming to me about how it should go. My biggest issue is that Kevin’s best man is no longer his best man and is now his best woman.
Kevin and Amy (MTF26) have been friends for a little over a decade and when they first met up until two years ago when our wedding was supposed to happen, Amy identified as a man. Kevin and Amy have always had a very close almost sibling-like relationship, Kevin had been kicked out by his mom at 17 and met Amy at work shortly after.
She’s been very close to him and he’s told me multiple times that she is the closest thing he has to any family.
Initially, Amy had planned to not come out to Kevin until after the wedding but after finding out that the wedding was going to be delayed she came out to him.
Without consulting me Kevin told her that he was fine with all of that and that if she was at a stage where she’d like to wear a dress when our wedding happened that he would find her a dress that matched the colors he had for his groomsmen.
Amy has been medically transitioning for about a year or less now and Kevin told me that we need to find her a dress.
I don’t have a problem with Amy and I understand how close she is to Kevin but our wedding is largely for my very traditional family.
Kevin has often said that this wedding isn’t that important to him and that the only reason he’s doing it is because it’s important to me and my family. I know that my family would have a lot of issues with Amy which I’m sure would bring a lot of unwanted or outright rude attention towards her.
For this reason, I’ve asked my fiance to choose someone else to be his best man and request that Amy attend as just a guest. This has led to a large fight between the two of us with Kevin threatening to cancel the wedding if Amy can’t be part of the wedding party because he wants someone from his family in it.
I’m trying to get him to understand the issues this will cause but I’m not sure he gets it. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, a thousand times over, it’s both of your wedding days, not your family’s, not just yours; it’s his too, and if Amy is as important a part of your (not likely to be your future) husband’s life as you’ve made it sound and he wants them to be part of it as his best man, best woman or whatever the case may be then nothing else should matter and no one else should be able to change that at HIS wedding.
I doubt that you would be willing to change the most important part of this day to suit other people now would you?
I suggest that you make it very clear to your family and guests that should those with potential problems still remain on the invitation list that they are to be on their best behavior and not make anyone on your partner’s side feel uncomfortable on a day that isn’t about them but by the sounds they wouldn’t likely have the respect to live up to that expectation…
You messed up seriously here and you sound like a completely clueless and selfish person, I wouldn’t be surprised if this ends your relationship with him altogether, and rightly so.” Waltz-428
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You say this is about how your very traditional family will bring unwanted or rude attention to Amy.
You shouldn’t be catering to your family’s bigotry by forcing your fiance to drop the only member of his family that will be at the wedding.
However, I do think that YOU really have a problem with Amy. I say this because even if Amy isn’t in the wedding party and is there as a guest, your family would still see her and would likely still be rude to her and disrespect her.
I think you likely don’t want her in your pictures, think that she would “ruin your aesthetic” or similar, and I don’t think you actually want to spend much time around her based on how you have described things here.
Your fiance sounds like a wonderful and supportive friend and Amy is his chosen family member.
He should be applauded for how he’s handled this.
If you force your fiance to choose between you and Amy, I have a feeling he will rightly choose Amy.” someperson717
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wedding should celebrate you, your husband, and your love to each other.
In this arrangement, it would be all about Amy, bringing lots of controversy and negativity.
This is unfortunate, it shouldn’t be the case, and in a more modern society, it wouldn’t be. However all this may be, we cannot wish-dream circumstances, things are as they are and your wedding does not have to be the venue for a larger societal conflict.
I think your standpoint is as acceptable as that of your husband. I hope you’ll find some sort of a compromise, maybe do two weddings, one with friends and Amy as a centerpiece and one with family, where she shows as a guest.” Zymonick
Another User Comments:
“Jeez, people love to jump on others’ throats so much without seeing how complex a situation is.
On one side, OP knows what her family is like. That’s not going to change so she is trying to do things within her control. What’s in her control is protecting Amy from how her family acts instead of wrangling an entire group of people which is very hard to do.
A better compromise would be to place Amy as a bridesmaid.
Noting that her husband doesn’t care about something that is important to his soon-to-be wife. Wonder what else he thinks isn’t important and just doing for her. That’s toxic.
Op could have handled it better…
Esh.” FurryDrift
2. AITJ For Refusing To Share My Dog With My Partner's Daughter?
“My (38F) partner (45M) and I have been together 9 years. We both have kids from previous marriages. His daughter Katy (21F) and I have always had a good relationship. My partner and I moved in together in 2016. It was us plus my kids in the house.
His kids lived with his ex-wife. Katy tells her dad that she found a puppy on the side of the road. She wanted to keep it, but when she took it home, her mom said no. She brought him to us.
My partner told her no unless I got him registered in my name and was responsible for his vet care. Later that year, Katy moved to college.
In 2019, we were going through some tough times and decided to separate. I bought a house close by and we’ve made it through it all but we have both homes.
When I was moving out I asked Katy if she wanted me to take the dog permanently or leave him w/ her dad. She said she wanted me to keep him, so I did.
I have a lot of respect for Katy.
I watched her maintain a 4.0gpa while her bio-mom was in and out of rehab. We became close during this time. I helped by paying for books, stuff for her dorm, car insurance, etc. I picked up the slack where her bio-mom couldn’t.
Katy graduated in May and came home to live with her bio-mom. She asked her dad about possibly having the dog live with her. My partner told her she needed to talk to me about that, but she never did. I spent the night at my partner’s house and had my dog there with me.
While I was at work, he called to see what my thoughts were on Katy taking the dog out canoeing that day. I was fine. He told her to have the dog home that night, bathed. She didn’t bring him home.
We spent at least 2 or 3 days texting her about when she was bringing him home. What we got was, “I am home more than you guys are and he’s happier with me.” I told her if she didn’t have him home by the next day, I was coming to get him.
Her response was not to come there (it’s her bio-mom’s house).
I told my partner that I would have the cops go pick him up because we couldn’t get any answers and she said not to come. He supported this. In our group text, I told her what we decided.
She didn’t bring him home. I called. I didn’t want her to get in trouble, but I wanted my dog back. They said unless I reported him stolen, my only option was to file a lawsuit to have him returned. I didn’t want to take her to court, but I was willing to.
My partner and I both told her that we were disappointed in her actions. Her response: “I don’t care what either one of you thinks of my actions.”
In a last-ditch effort, I said I would share him if she would just bring him home.
2 weeks later she did. We agreed to a month with me and a month with her. This happened once. The 2nd time she was to pick him up, I wrote her and said that I wouldn’t be sharing him anymore.
We had lunch a couple of times and hashed some things out civilly, but she hates me.
AITJ for not sharing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but that’s a tough one. Seems like that’s very out of character for her from the way you described your relationship prior to college and during.
My personal opinion is she may have some things going on and the dog is a coping mechanism. An unlicensed therapy dog. I don’t have an answer for you but it may be something to think about.
You can maybe get your dog back and take her to the shelter and look for her own as an adult now.” edtb
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The dog has been with you for 6 years; that might be half (or more) of its life span. Yes, she found the dog, but everything else has been on you, and the dog has bonded with you.
I do have one caveat/question.
Based on how you described her, this seems really unexpected from her. Do you think something more is going on and she is looking to the dog for comfort? Has her personality changed in other ways?” TazerSonic
Another User Comments:
“Probably going to lean ESH.
She found the puppy and it sounds like it was her dog overall. Yes, you were responsible for the upkeep and things. But you even specifically asked if she wanted the dog to go to her dad instead.
You were willing to give up the pet to ensure she could stay with him.
It was definitely crappy of her to basically snatch the dog, but sounds also like she is upset about her dad blowing her off when she asked to bring the dog home.
Seriously, is this the thing to ruin the relationship? You and her dad need to sit down and figure this out. She should not be forbidden from seeing her own dog.” WholeAd2742
1. AITJ For Going Off On My Neighbor For Causing An Accident?
Unintentional accident or careless mistake?
“I (27f) moved into a new apartment in October to begin healing from a pretty serious trauma that I experienced last April. My apartment was gorgeous – huge windows, tall ceilings, perfect location, lots of storage, I could go on forever.
I loved this apartment. It was the only place that had ever truly been mine. I’d never really had a stable home before.
Fast forward to this past Monday, the day after Christmas. It was right at the end of that horrible cold snap in the US, and my landlord had sent a mass email telling everyone to keep their heat on and drip their faucets so that the pipes didn’t burst.
I guess my neighbors didn’t do any of this before they went out of town, because when I got home from work that night, there were workmen in my apartment, and there was water coming from the ceiling. My cat was terrified.
They hurried to rip out the light fixtures before it electrocuted anyone, and part of my ceiling caved in. I called my neighbors to let them know that a pipe in their unit had burst and that their apartment had flooded.
I didn’t tell them how bad the damage in my unit was. I was in shock and didn’t want them to feel bad.
I lost about half of what I own, and my unit is uninhabitable. There is mold, water damage, nothing works, and there are no lights.
A small mercy is that there is a unit upstairs (much smaller, older fixtures, less storage), across from my neighbors, that was empty. The landlords told me that I could begin moving stuff into that unit to let things begin to dry, and we’ll figure out my new lease after the new year.
I’ve been crying off and on for about a week. It’s been horribly stressful, and I’ve been grieving my lost home, and the damaged letters and postcards from people that are no longer in my life. My cat had to go live with my partner while this gets sorted, so I’ve been alone.
It’s been hard.
Here’s where I might be the jerk. This morning I was in my unit, crying and smoking, when there was a knock at the door. It’s my neighbor, asking me if I can not smoke, as the smell bothers him and his partner.
To say that I went ballistic is an understatement. Another neighbor poked their head out when they heard me yelling. I went off about how he and his girl’s stupid, negligent actions had cost me everything, and that it was ridiculous of him to ask anything of me after he basically ruined my life.
He was shocked, said he was sorry but that it was an accident and that it was an old building, and that I need to be more considerate.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Wow! NTJ. Even if they had already left town when the email went out, it was still their responsibility to contact a friend or neighbor to ask them to drip the faucets and turn up the heat.
If that wasn’t an option, they should have called the building management who could have accessed the apartment and taken care of things. This was total negligence on their part. It is unbelievable that they had the audacity to say you needed to be more considerate when their negligence has caused thousands of dollars in property damage and great inconvenience to others.
On a side note, to people not affected by this system, everyone knew this weather was coming a good week in advance. The news was full of warnings that pipes needed to be protected. Our family was gone for most of it, and we weatherproofed our pipes and left the faucets dripping before we left.
OP I am so so sorry!” 1Preschoolteacher
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. An accident happened, and I don’t think it was necessarily negligence because they were out of town. But him knowing that your apartment was destroyed by it should’ve made him be a little more humble to come down to talk to you about an inconvenience.
I’m sure you coulda handled it better, but I don’t think you were necessarily a jerk for snapping. Seems reasonable.” Southern-Salary2573
Another User Comments:
“I am going to have to go against the grain a little.
You can take all the precautions and still have pipes freeze.
Heat can go out unexpectedly. Often it starts at the street. We are dealing with it in the central Midwest right now.
I’m sorry you had so much damage but that is an unfortunate risk you take when you move into an apartment. Accidents happen.
You are placing blame on a neighbor for an accident. I doubt they did it on purpose.
You are placing blame on an accident.
YTJ.” Glass_Status_5837
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You're showing your grandchildren that they and both of their parents are important to you (not just your son) and they always will be.