People Ask Us To Critically Evaluate Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories

"I (26 M) am in a gay relationship with my fiance. We've been together coming up on 3 years. I'm bi, and my fiance is the first man I've been with long-term, but he is not the only man I've been with.

My grandmother (72) is very deeply concerned with her public image - to the point that she is an entirely different person publicly than she is behind closed doors.

For example, she made a post on social media for my high school graduation that read 'So proud of my grandson for making it through high school as a gay man' - the same year she deliberately asked me not to bring my then-partner to family Christmas. I've been dealing with this kind of behavior for over 10 years, and it's turned into full-blown bigotry ever since my proposal to my fiance last year - I'm talking an escalation from casual, 'I just don't get it' type of stuff to 'Why can't you just be normal' and tears over my planning a wedding with a man.

This all finally came to a head at a vacation/family reunion last month when I refused to appear in anything but large group photos. I tried to play it casually but she caught on pretty quick and eventually asked why. I told her I just wasn't comfortable with social media posts where I was the focus.

She asked why, and I admittedly responded harshly - I told her that anytime I let her single me out, she used me to seem like a kinder person than she actually was and that I was tired of being the way she could come off as accepting when she'd treated me poorly ever since I came out. She then spent the next 2 days telling the rest of the family how I was rude to her and ungrateful for her support of my 'lifestyle choices.'

I finally got sick of it when I heard her continuing to do so at a large potluck dinner (around 40 people, mostly out-of-town extended family we hadn't seen in years), so I barked across the table 'Grandma, I love you, but you're gonna stop pretending you've been good to me ever since I came out.' That led to a shouting match between us with plenty more swearing and several insults thrown around until I said 'Look, you've gotta stop using me for some nonsense 'liberal brownie points' or all your little quilting club friends are gonna hear about how you're actually a bigot jerk, and then you'll just be screwed, won't you?' I took off back to my hotel room after that, with my fiance and sister with me.

The next day, my mom came to me and said that while she understood, she wasn't happy with how I chose to confront my grandma, or with the fact that she had to do damage control because I just bailed. My dad and fiance both agreed with my mom, worth noting as they're usually in my corner about times I snap like this (yeah, it's not the first time) and so I think I might have actually gone too far in what I said and where I said it.

The rest of the family has been understandably just avoiding me as well. I know I was A jerk, but am I THE jerk?"

Another User Comments:

"I call it the 'omg what will the neighbors say' syndrome and I personally think it's one of the most annoying attitudes a family member can have.

Also known as hypocrisy. I get it that when it's a family member there will be more drama and other family members taking sides, but it's still a simple case of a hypocrite demanding to be left being a hypocrite in peace. And it's not 'damage control' just because it's Grandma, it's still just your regular hypocrite desperately trying to get their castle of crap and lies back on its foundations.

NTJ absolutely, you're not even A jerk for that. Calling out a filthy hypocrite (and I'd even say THIS kind of hypocrite especially) is always the right thing to do, especially if their castle of lies is built on your back." Drezhar

Another User Comments:

"NTJ? - I kind of get the perspective where when you do something like this in public it doesn't just ruin the intended 'victim's' day, it ruins everyone else's day too, and that sucks. I personally don't like doing public drama, I just find it annoying and tacky... that being said, your grandma is a hypocritical...

not very nice person, and I can see why you snapped. I'm actually surprised you didn't just call her out on social media and ruin her reputation, that's what I'd be tempted to do... but at the same time, I also hate fights on social media and find them trashy, so probably not. Anyway, not how I would have handled it, but I'm a pretty passive and quiet person in real life." grouchykitten1517