People Ask Us To Criticize Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

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It can be annoying sometimes when people just assume the worst of us. No matter how much we try to be kind to them, they will always wait for us to snap so they can prove that we're not a good person and we're actually jerks. Here are some stories from people who were judged and named jerks. They want to explain themselves and provide their reasoning. Read on and let us know who you think the real jerk is. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

15. AITJ For Refusing To Replace An Oven I Broke?

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“When I (F20) was around 13 or 14, I decided to make some cookies one night. I turned the oven on to preheat without checking it first and accidentally burned a plastic plate that was inside the oven. That night my stepdad yelled at me and accused me of trying to burn the house down on purpose when I told him many times it was an accident and I was sorry.

Fast forward to now. I’m home for a week because I’m on spring break and my mom decided we should have a family dinner together. While at dinner, my mom mentioned how she and my stepdad were starting to renovate the kitchen and my stepdad made a comment about how I should be the one to buy them a new oven. Mom and I ignored the comment and just kept talking about the kitchen renovation.

The next day my stepdad stopped me before I left the house and told me he was serious and I need to pay for a new oven. I told him that was unfair as I accidentally broke it years ago and he said he didn’t care. Now he’s been blowing my phone up with ovens telling me I need to give him the money for one of them.

I mentioned this to my grandma and she told my mom and now they’re both annoyed at him. Now he’s calling me a jerk for not fixing the oven and for tattling to my mom like I’m a child. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Talking to your biological mother about issues that make you uncomfortable (like being harassed by an adult parental figure in your life) is not tattling.

Is your step-dad five? Geez, I haven’t accused someone of being a tattle-tale since I was in first grade.

Anyway, talking to your mom about that isn’t tattling. She is clearly not in agreement and remodeling and financial decisions shouldn’t be made by one party AND hidden from the other. Sounds like he was never going to tell your Mom he made you pay for it because he knew she would never allow it.

He upset at you because he got caught trying to scheme behind his wife’s back and hurt her child in the process.” nobodynocrime

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

I’m really shocked and confused on so many levels.

First, you were 13 or 14. What 13-year-old would go and try to burn the house down? Sounds like some complex of his. Maybe projecting? What if he was the one trying to burn the house by leaving that plate in.

Second, how does melting some plastic plate make the oven break? What kind of oven is that even. Literally last week I forgot I had left a plastic tray with some cake on the bottom of my oven and put a steak above it without seeing the tray. The tray melted, and the cake became black, but nothing else happened, no damage to the oven. Well, the steak was ruined because it smelled of burned plastic.

And third, why does that dude expect you to give him money for something you did as a 13-year-old? That’s ridiculous. He sounds like one of these super resentful people that want revenge for everything.” _Goldee_

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were a child. Accidents happen.

He’s also the child in this situation (har har) – you’re not ‘tattling’, he’s being abusive and pressuring you into replacing something very expensive that you broke in an /accident/, and then shaming you for…

letting others know that he’s harassing you? God, no. Absolutely tell your mom what he’s saying to you. If he didn’t want her to know that he’s being a jerk, he… shouldn’t act like a jerk.

OP, do not buy him an oven. Don’t even buy him a box for an oven. Don’t even print him out a black/white photo of an oven.

You don’t owe him anything.
Bonus points: buy yourself a new oven (or take photos in an oven store of a new oven). Put a Christmas sweater on the said oven. Buy yourself a matching sweater. Take a photo of yourself and the new oven. Send it to him every year for Christmas, with some cookies. ‘Thinking of you.’ inside the card.” CalypsoContinuum

8 points (8 votes)
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Ashbaby 2 months ago
Wait, they’ve been living with a broken oven for 6-7 years? Step dad is an ass
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14. AITJ For Telling My Husband I Was Tired Of Babysitting?

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“This weekend, my (34f) husband (38m) last-minute invited two of his friends (both males in late 30s) over to hang out. I always enjoy hanging out with these friends. They usually bring their partners but this time did not. They did each bring their kids and one of them brought their 3 dogs. My kids enjoy playing with their kids so it was all good. Approximately 10 minutes after everyone arrived at our house, the men went upstairs to play PlayStation, leaving me responsible for supervising and caring for 5 children (ages 10, 10, 7, 7, and 5) and 3 dogs for 5+ hours.

Two of the kids are mine. This was not discussed beforehand and if I had not been here, they would not have left the kids downstairs/outside unsupervised.

The kids were mostly well-behaved and only broke a few things and got in a few fights. After about 4 hours, my husband came downstairs and asked me how it was going and I told him I was tired of babysitting and that is not how I thought our hang-out day would go.

He got very upset. He said he never invites friends over to do this (which is true, they have never gone upstairs to play video games for hours while I watch their kids) and he felt like I was only thinking of myself. Now I feel like a jerk and I feel like I should have just let him have his fun afternoon/evening with his friends.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s fine if your husband wanted the day to be like this, but the least he could have done was to discuss it beforehand with you, instead of assuming you’d take care of young children for a whole afternoon without any help or break. Sure, a couple of these are your kids, but outside of this IT IS babysitting, and it’s not fair for him to unilaterally decide that’s how you’re going to spend your weekend.

He should have planned this with you, none of this would have been a problem with a discussion; you could have negotiated: I do this for you, but you have to make sure I get help, or one of the wives comes to help, or it’s for a shorter time, etc. He made his plans with you playing a part in their execution, but without including you in their planification.

That’s inconsiderate.” ladyteruki

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It doesn’t matter how often he does this or doesn’t do it, what matters is he didn’t TALK TO YOU about what he wanted to do or what the plan was.

He sprang this on you without warning. He didn’t tell you how long they were going to be leaving the kids with you. He didn’t ask you if you would be okay with taking care of the kids.

He just assumed that, since you’re the woman, you’d do the babysitting and he’d play video games. This is definitely a jerk move on his part.

When you talk to him about this, focus on the communication part, cause otherwise, he’s going to keep doing this, just with different things, and keep insisting ‘but I never do this, it’s no big deal’, just because the THING is different.

He needs to clearly communicate what he wants to do and make sure you know what he wants you to do as part of it, and make sure you’ve agreed to it. Even if he doesn’t think it’s a big deal! Because it’s not about the thing, it’s about whether or not he considers you when planning, or asks for your input and consent.” princess_ferocious

Another User Comments:
“NTJ

Ask your husband how he would feel if the tables were turned: you sprung 5 kids and 5 dogs onto him and went playing board games with a friend for hours WITHOUT asking him prior if he was up to the task??? This isn’t about him seeing friends, this is about those friends being giants jerks by FORCING you to be a babysitter FOR hours for THEIR kids and pets WITHOUT prior consulting you!

How stupid/entitled is your husband that he can’t see that!???

But what is more concerning to me: you waited HOURS for him to come downstairs while YOU clearly didn’t want to act as a babysitter.

What stopped you from going up, asking your husband if you needed him for 2 minutes, and straight-up saying to him his friends need to watch their kids? Has he a habit of forcing you into a situation that you aren’t comfortable in and gaslights you when you try to speak up??? To be straightforward: does your husband show more signs of (emotional) manipulation next to his lack of respect for your time??

Edit: his argument of ‘you only thinking about yourself’ is pathetic since HE is clearly the one thinking about himself and not about you!” These-Process-7331

7 points (7 votes)
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TJHall44 1 month ago
NTA I'd have taken all the kids & dogs, put them upstairs with the "men" and then left the house.
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13. AITJ For Snapping At My Sister-In-Law For Destroying My Plants?

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“Years ago, I got really into houseplants and started to collect them. Over the years, I’ve had up to 70, but whittled my collection down to about 35, just the ones I really love.

My niece Jenny (14F) has developed an interest in plants and will come over and we will talk about them and she helps with propagation and repotting.

I had to go out of town for two weeks to take care of some work stuff so I asked SIL and Jenny if they could plant sit for me.

I told Jenny I would pay but also give her a few cuttings as a trade-off.

They agreed and when they came over, I gave a tour and explained the care needed, and also showed off a few prized plants. SIL asked how much a few of them ran me and I did share. This didn’t seem weird bc the family knows and I’ve gotten some plants as gifts.

Well, I returned from my trip and was horrified. They watered and gave the right amount of light, but they also decided to give a lot of my plants haircuts. Big ones.

My prized Cebu blue pothos mother plant was destroyed. The climbing one too. My manjula pothos had been done the same. My golden that I trained up my stairwell. My string of pearls, hearts, and ruby necklace were all destroyed.

My silver stripe philodendron.

The worst was that my pink princess Philo had been reduced to two leaves. And my albo monstera is down to three. I don’t even think they got nodes necessarily. These plants are expensive and prized.

I basically broke down and when they came to meet me to give back my key I screamed and screamed at them. Jenny started crying saying I said I would give her cuttings so she thought it was okay.

I screamed at her to go home and get what she stole from me and bring it back NOW because SHE KNEW I DIDN’T MEAN SHE COULD DESTROY MY PLANTS.

SIL got between us and said ‘what’s done is done.’

I said no way, you’re returning EVERYTHING. Jenny said, ‘Mom already sold most of them in the marketplace’ I lost it and just screamed and screamed at them until Jenny was crying and her mom got in my face and told me was having a tantrum over plants.

I told her to get out of my house and don’t EVER come anywhere near me or my home again. I called my brother (SIL’s husband) and he was shocked and said they told him I said it was all okay. He brought me the stuff she hadn’t sold yet and apologized. I told him I never ever want either of them in the same room as me again, they’re horrible, AWFUL, irredeemable people, and that I hope they both burn in the underworld where they belong.

He told me he gets that I’m upset but that I’m taking it too far and that family means not holding grudges. I told him to leave, and I cried for the rest of the day. I am posting because I need to know if my edict is over the top and if I’m overreacting. So AITJ for telling them that they are NO LONGER WELCOME in my home and not even want them in the SAME ROOM?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

In the first place, you aren’t holding a grudge yet: they literally just did this to you and haven’t even apologized yet. Worse, your SIL blamed you for reacting and didn’t even make any attempt at salvaging the situation… You literally had to contact your brother to retrieve any of what your SIL had knowingly stolen from you. (And yes, I said knowingly… she will probably claim that she didn’t realize, but if it had been an innocent mistake rather than a calculated theft, she would have instantly offered to give you the moolah she had gotten for the plants, rather than tried to brush you off with ‘what’s done is done.’)

Based on their relative reactions, my guess is that your SIL convinced Jenny (against her better judgment) that this was okay.

And Jenny went along with her mother, despite having a voice in the back of her head asking her if she was sure.

So my guess is that, once the dust settles, you will have two very different situations to deal with.

In order for them to have any hope of repairing the relationship, they will need to offer a sincere apology (no excuses, no justifications, no expectation that you will forgive them), make an attempt at restitution (both financial and any leg work involved in replacing the plants) and find a way to assure you that they would never do something like this again (which will probably be more believable coming from your niece than from your SIL).

Then and only then could you possibly consider forgiving either of them, much less let them back into your home.” DinaFelice

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Take pictures of all the damage, I’m assuming you have before pics. Screenshot the social media marketplace posts and any texts about them taking care of your plants.

Price replacements now because some of your pruned plants may not recover.

Demand the cuttings returned and 100% of every sale made.

Find the social media marketplace posts and tell each buyer if you can that these items were stolen from you. Screenshot everything.

Then if SIL doesn’t pay back 100% of the proceeds and replace the lost plants go to small claims court. If SIL and Jenny do not give you an earnest and unqualified apology go no contact.

I do think you overreacted in your language but can understand the betrayal in the heat of the moment.

Calmly explain that you trusted them, they knew how valuable your plants were and instead of taking care of them, they likely killed and maimed your collection. Tell them their actions were selfish, childish, and stupid and that actions have consequences. If they won’t do the right thing you will take them to court and have a judge demand it.” justanother1014

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Soooooo NTJ. For anyone saying, ‘just plants, yadda yadda’ or ‘harsh to call a 14-year-old irredeemable…’ the importance of the items in question (plants) isn’t for anyone else to decide.

OP clearly didn’t allow her niece to take care of them off the cuff, OP trusted her niece and SIL and showed them that there is a watering schedule and schedule for the best sun level for goodness sake.

Niece is old enough to be sneaky and SIL is well old enough to know that before removing the property from someone’s home you should clear it with the homeowner first.

SIL is greedy and niece is immature and sneaky, Especially given that niece knew she wasn’t allowed portions of certain plants. They violated the security and sanctity of OP’s home and harmed things she held dear and had an emotional attachment with. That is certainly irredeemable on the part of the SIL (the jury is out on the niece but I wouldn’t hold my breath) and OP’s brother can take his ‘family means you don’t hold grudges’ nonsense and stuff it somewhere unpleasant. I am so sorry OP I can’t imagine (I have plant murdering cats so we are a plant-free home) the pain you feel. I hope you are able to salvage and restore your plant family.” Fevin27

6 points (6 votes)
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DebbyT 1 month ago
I can't even...these two are NOT family. They are THIEVES. Shameful, dirty THIEVES! I would take them to small claims court without a second of hesitation. All you need is proof that they sold them. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You owe no one an apology for 'losing it'. Your brother can take a cold dip in a frozen lake. No one with any scruples whatsoever would think that this is forgivable.
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12. AITJ For Telling Our Relatives That My Husband And I Bought The House?

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“My husband M34, and I, F31 bought our first single-story house a few weeks ago. We both put payment towards it and both our names are on the title.

Days ago we hosted dinner for his family (my family lives in another state) and friends to celebrate this occasion. They brought gifts and took a tour around the house. We had an overall good time til dinner.

My husband suddenly started telling the story of how much he sacrificed, how many extra jobs he took and how many years he spent to save for and buy this house, completely ignoring my part of the role in it. I was confused, I kept staring at him as he went on about how he found the house and how much trouble he got into to get it.

His family and friends looked impressed as he kept saying ‘my house this, my house that’. I said hold on, and told them that it’s not his house, but our house because we both equally saved and contributed equally to be able to purchase it. His mom asked if I was serious and I offered to show her the legal document. My husband looked at me shocked and got quiet while his friends and family kept looking at him.

He then excused himself to the bathroom for 40 minutes. I had to say goodbye to the guests by myself.

He later blew up asking wth I just did, I said he shouldn’t have lied to them in the first place. He asked ‘What could you have possibly gained by saying what you said? What could you have possibly lost if you didn’t? Do you ever think before you speak?’ I got mad and replied that he was dismissing my role in buying the house and I didn’t like that.

He was like ‘oh so you decided to humiliate me in front of my family and friends to appear important? Pretentious much?’ I found this insulting but he argued I messed up and ruined his joy in the new home when I could’ve avoided it. I got tired of arguing so I went to sleep. He has gone radio silent the next day and has been acting upset for days now.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

He was being disrespectful. And how is pointing out you also were a major part of this humiliating?

HOW ARE YOU CONTRIBUTING EQUALLY TO THE PURCHASE OF THE HOUSE HUMILIATING? to appear important

I mean, that’s exactly what he was doing. He wanted all the credit to appear important. It’s really important to give credit where credit is due.

You contributing equally to the house doesn’t diminish how hard he worked, or that buying the house is an achievement.

And if buying a house is something worth bragging about, why is it you don’t get to brag about it too?

He was being awfully dismissive of you for constantly saying ‘my house’ to his family while you were sitting right there. Like, he could have talked out all his sacrifices ‘so we could buy OUR house’. It’s like you’re a supporting character in his life. Bleh.

(In my family everyone says ‘the house’, oddly enough, when referring to their own homes. My/our almost never comes up.)

This is definitely something that needs to be addressed – including why him feeling humiliated is somehow more important than your feelings. So good luck OP.” Kettlewise

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

He’s saying you humiliated him in front of his friends and family, but here’s the thing, I’ll bet that by acting like Mister Hardworking Bigshot Provider Man, he humiliated you.

I mean, that’s how I’d feel if it were me. That false narrative doesn’t just lift him up and make him look important, it also paints you as this financially dependent housewife (or, if people know you do work, they may be wondering why you didn’t or couldn’t contribute), and if that were your role and you were willing to own it, it would be one thing, but you’re not.

You presumably work, you also work hard and saved and sacrificed too, and seeing him take all the credit probably felt awful.

Why? Why did he do that? You’re supposed to be a team! Is his ego really so frail that he needs to project this old-fashioned breadwinner image to redeem it? What else, regarding you and your marriage, might he be lying about when you’re not around?” VisualCelery

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Why on earth would he be taking all the credit? He just expected you to cover for his lies and act like he did everything? If being honest with people ‘ruins his joy’ in the new home I’d tell him that he’s welcome to leave.

He completely disrespected you in front of family and friends, dismissing all your contributions to this massive purchase, to make HIMSELF feel more important, and that’s the real issue here.

Don’t let him turn it around on you by gaslighting. You’re not being pretentious by pointing out that you were a partner in this purchase, he’s being pretentious by needing to feel like the only one who provided the home, in the eyes of his family and friends. Insecure much? If he didn’t want to be embarrassed, he shouldn’t have tried to mislead everyone to make himself feel better. You’re either a team, or you’re not. I’d be rethinking a lot of things if I were you right now.

He’s wrong, and he owes you an apology. Imagine how would he feel if you had done the same to him in front of your family and friends? LIVID, I bet.” T00narmy1

5 points (5 votes)
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CmHart2008 1 month ago
There is more to this than "meets the eye". It seems the the approval of his family was WAY TOO IMPORTANT TO HIM!. I suspect you knew that beforehand in which case you could have been charitable and let him have his moment of glory.You could have aired your hurt feelings in private later. On the other hand, if there is other, ongoing indication that he credits everything to himself, does not know the meaning of "WE", and/or diminishes you in any way, you have another very serious problem. What he did was WRONG & I suspect he had a sick reason for doing it.
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11. AITJ For Humiliating A Dude In Front Of His Friends?

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“I (18F) went to a carnival with my friends and some more people (who I was unfamiliar with) and there was a target shooting booth. One of the unfamiliar guys, let’s call him S (18M), said that he can win one of the highest prices and I challenged him to see who is the more accurate shooter, I thought he has some experience and it’d be fun.

He accepted and said that he’ll go first, so I can back off if I got scared.

Well, now I’m not a professional, but I’ve been going to target practice twice a week in the last year. It’s my hobby and while I don’t make a big deal of it, it’s certainly not a secret. I could tell from S’s stance that he probably never held a firearm in his hand before or he’s used to a pistol (just like me).

(There is weapon/firearm control in my country, and we live in a big city so hunting is not really a thing there). He’s not terrible, but far from accurate and now I’m pretty confident that I can beat him. However, he tells me that I’m allowed to back off if I think that I can’t hold the firearm (it’s this riffle-like one). They’re not really heavy, but I’m 5’2 and pretty delicate looking and the comment just annoys me.

So I take the firearm and let’s just say I got the prize from the highest score ones, while he got one from the really low ones.

His friends are teasing him that he got beaten by a girl and I feel a little bad so I tell them that I’ve been doing target practice for a while. And S explodes telling me that I did that on purpose, just to humiliate him in front of his friends, calling me some nasty names, and then storms off.

His friends tell me that I was the jerk and at least I should have warned him before or let him win.

My friends are on my side, but I can’t help, but feel bad and question if I did a jerk move

Edit #1: the friends only switched sides after I told them that I have experience ’cause that means I was being unfair and how did I expect a fair competition then? It was some kind of messed up bro code.”

Another User Comments:
“Sweetie, he did it to himself.

With his arrogance, it would not have mattered if you told him that you had experience, cause he still would have doubted you. Now that being said, you did come to his defense in a different way. His friends should apologize for roasting him cause he did go up against someone with more skill and you could have told his friends to lay off. One more thing, he presented himself in a manner that led you and maybe others to believe that he had skills, so you were seeing what you were up against.

You could have told him after he shot that you had the experience but he would have gotten annoyed at you either way. You are in a no-win situation. But what does that tell you about him and his friends? For one, to get that upset to hurl awful insults to someone over a game. He could have saved face by saying ‘Well, I guess I could use some lessons, how much do you charge?’ Trust me, the razzing would have ended there.

NTJ.” Shoo_B_Doo_B_Doo

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

If those ‘friends’ keep harping on you about being a jerk, tell them if their friend hadn’t been acting like a misogynistic jerk, he wouldn’t have been embarrassed. His issues with women have nothing to do with you. He made an assumption that because you’re a ‘fragile little girl’ that’s ‘scared of big bad firearms’, you wouldn’t be able to handle a toy firearms.

That’s his problem. You didn’t need to notify him that his assumption was wrong, you didn’t need to explain yourself and your hobbies/capabilities. He made a jerk of himself, and instead of giving you props and using it as a lesson I’m not judging a book by its cover, he’s flipped it on you.

If they can’t accept that he’s in the wrong and needs to apologize to you (and they apologize to you as well), distance yourself from them.

Cut them out of your life. You’re young. You don’t need to weigh yourself down at this young age with ‘friends’ who are toxic.” Nikkita8223

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – S was the one who turned it into a manhood-swinging contest. He was the one bragging up skills that he just didn’t have, and who was using gamesmanship to suggest you were a competitive coward who would slink away before his mighty prowess, and worst of all make cheap shots about you being too weak to even hold the firearm. You stepped up and showed your skill, that’s all.

His friends are major jerks for ribbing him about ‘getting beat by a girl,’ because it implies his performance was weak and he was weaker. You beat him fair and square.

You didn’t owe him fair warning of your skill level. He was advertising himself as an expert with his bragging.” avast2006

4 points (4 votes)
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kbeaudway 1 month ago
That sexist little shit did it to himself. Mansplaining and bragging, being condescending and taunting, and assuming you couldn't possibly know anything about shooting. As soon as you took him up on the challenge, he probably should have assumed that you had some reason to believe you could be competitive. His sexist bias did him in. He's young. Let's hope this teaches him a valuable life lesson.
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10. AITJ For Using My Wife's $400 Hairdryer On Myself?

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“35M here. My wife (32F) bought herself this awesome hairdryer from Dyson last month, and she paid over $400 for it. This is easily the coolest hair dryer I’ve ever seen. It’s silver/purple and has this really cool design. Reminds me of the Plasma Rifle from Halo. Super quiet as well! You can dry your hair in stealth mode.

I was so impressed by this dryer that I asked my wife if I could use it too.

She said I could use it whenever I wanted, and it was good that I use it to better get our money’s worth.

I started using it every morning after my shower to dry my hair instead of just towel and air drying like I used to. I have short hair, so it only took like a minute to dry. Still felt like I wasn’t getting much use out of it, so I started experimenting.

I tried drying my armpits (which makes applying deodorant much nicer), and I started drying down below. Side note: 100% do recommend. Without going into much detail, it just feels a lot more hygienic throughout the day.

This morning, my wife walked into the bathroom after my shower and saw something perhaps she wasn’t meant to see. For the record, I did not intend for her to come in, but I didn’t have the door locked.

I had one foot on the floor, one foot on the counter. Hairdryer in hand pointed towards Venus and Earth. I may have also been humming the Halo theme.

My wife had a bit of a freak-out and was like ‘What are you doing?!’ I stopped and reminded her that she said I could use the dryer whenever I wanted. She countered by saying that she didn’t say I could use it ‘that’ way.

So I’m not sure if my wife has a point here. I definitely did not explicitly state how I was going to use the dryer, but there was no conversation of limitations beforehand. AITJ??”

Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You didn’t realize you were crossing a boundary and she’s not the jerk for having one. Who is the jerk is people in the comments section sh!tting on your wife for having boundaries? Yes it is irrational, does that make her a jerk for being upset? No, unless her ‘freakout’ was her being abusive.

But God forbid anyone feels uncomfortable with their spouse using a shared item intended for head hair around their groin. All that being said, it is truly a wonderful feeling and I do the same thing (and find out many others do in the comment section lol) so keep on doing it if you like, just not with your wife’s hairdresser if she is uncomfortable with it!!” Firm-Vacation-7060

Another User Comments:
“Sorry but YTJ.

It’s not yours, so why are you using it on your balls without asking if you can use it on your balls? I have this exact hair dryer, I know that flecks of water from your hair sometimes get on it, so your wife just found out that shower water from your ‘own’ is on her blow dryer. Like this just shows your wife how much you respect her and her stuff.

If I spent $400 on something and found out my partner was using it on their groin when I use it for my literal head, yeah I’d be pretty grossed out but mostly, I would just feel disrespected. And you know what you were doing wasn’t okay, otherwise, you would have asked if you could use it for your ‘own’ before using it for your ‘own’.

It’s an item she bought for quite a bit of money, if you want to use it for your ‘own’, at least ask first! Then she could have had the opportunity to say no or at least say ‘please wipe it down afterward’.” DiscoBoi95

Another User Comments:
“No, you’re NTJ. For one the dryer itself doesn’t touch you and many people do it. Hairdryers are used for many different things from drying hair to drying nail polish.

Artists use them to dry paint. So drying your pubic area is not so far-fetched, there are even body dryers that people have installed in their bathrooms. They’re like hand dryers only for the full body. It’s better for the skin. As a hairstylist, I approve of this use. Warning about Dyson’s, they tend to break or quit after about six months to a year.

Edit: it is also great to be completely dry in your groin area as it prevents jock itch. Especially in the more active sweaty individuals.” SheepherderOk1448

4 points (4 votes)
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rbleah 2 months ago
WTF people, it's not like he is TOUCHING his nether regions with the damn dryer.
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9. AITJ For Telling My Friend That She's Being Possessive?

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“I (15 F) have a childhood best friend I will call Emma (16 F) who started going out with a guy I’ll call Jacob (16 M) a few months ago, ever since she started going out with him, she would act super depressed whenever he wasn’t around and would get mad at him for not coming to school so she could see him.

Recently he left school for a whole week because his dad died and he went out of state for the funeral (I felt horrible about this and made him cookies to cheer him up when he got back), but when he came back, Emma just yelled at him for leaving for so long even though he told her that he was going to be gone for a week and why before he left.

I stayed quiet because it wasn’t really any of my business.

During lunch, Emma kept ranting about how mad she was for him ‘abandoning’ her and then asked me for my opinion on him leaving, at first I refused to give my opinion because I knew she wouldn’t like it and it wasn’t my business but she insisted so I gave her my opinion. I told her that I felt like she was being toxic and obsessive and that if she can’t go a week without him around then she needs therapy (not in a rude way, like in the “please get help” way) and that she had no right to yell at him while he was grieving.

She started getting mad at me and said I’m not a medical professional so I can’t say what is and isn’t healthy and then said that I wouldn’t understand how her relationship works because I’ve never been in once (I have been in multiple relationships). She got really mad at me for my opinion and I’m starting to feel bad, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything or just pretend I agreed with her so she wouldn’t get mad.

So am I the jerk?

UPDATE: I stopped being her friend and told a teacher about what she has been doing, she isn’t allowed to sit near him in any classes.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Part of a true friendship should be that you always tell one another the truth. While it’s accurate to say that you are not a medical professional, something IS wrong when she can’t understand that her partner did not abandon her.

It’s wrong that she can’t see past her own feelings to see that her partner was hurting and grieving his father’s death. It’s wrong that when you told her that you didn’t want to offer an opinion, she forced you to divulge it. It’s wrong that she’s mad that you gave an opinion that she doesn’t like. Your friend has some very evident issues with not respecting boundaries and needing to control others.

Something tells me that when you are together, everything has to be the way she wants them to be or she makes it miserable for you. If this is true, please re-evaluate this friendship. She needs some type of intervention, that’s for sure.” moew4974

Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. But I would drop the subject. From the way it sounds, she’s going to drive him off pretty quick all on her own.

She’s mad at him because his dad died, and he went to the funeral. How selfish and self-centered can a person possibly be? It’s obvious that she was only interested in your opinion as long as you agreed with her. She doesn’t seem to be much of a friend, either. You can do better.” Noneya_Biddness

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t let people like your friend make you doubt yourself.

We have too many people that try to normalize this. Missing your SO is normal. Especially when you’re in a new relationship and you might feel a bit insecure about it. But as someone who dated a woman who asked me to never leave her again after I was gone for five days for work, I hope her bf bolts. At least your friend can still become a better person and grow up and grow out of this toxic and quite frankly, abusive behavior. My ex was in her mid-20s. She had no excuse.” curlsthefangirl

3 points (3 votes)
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IndiaBlu 1 month ago
This is a great age for you to learn how to recognize toxic people and remove them from your life. That girl (luckily now former friend) was possessive, clingy and inconsiderate. As long as you are safe, don't just agree with someone so they don't get mad. That will only feed their toxicity and bring you deeper into it. NTJ
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8. AITJ For Getting A Dog?

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“I (23f) got rid of my dog 3 months ago tbh she was just too much and not worth it really. I wasn’t gonna get another dog but I saw an ad for a beautiful husky litter. Since I have time and budget I bought one. I was talking with my partner telling him all about the puppy and showing him pictures and he just looked sad

I asked him what was up and he said I was just getting a dog for fun and would get rid of it.

I felt so disrespected I told him he knows me better than that and to shut up if he was gonna tell lies. he said that’s what I did with my last dog (not true) and have done in the past (according to other people) I told him I was deeply disappointed he would take other people’s word against mine and he said his opinion was his alone based on behavior.

Then left, texted me he was taking a break and called me a jerk. I haven’t heard since. We don’t live with each other so IDK why he thought his opinion was needed I just wanted a dog no need to be judgmental. I could have been harsh so AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. A massive one.

A pet is a lifetime commitment. You don’t give them away.

She ‘wasn’t worth it.’ What is wrong with you?

A few months ago, you were incapable of caring for a dog but now you magically can? Nonsense.

You bought from a breeder. Supporting breeders is supporting animal abuse.

You let your girl be used by a puppy mill. 3 litters before she turned 4. And you abandoned her because she stopped being affectionate after years of mistreatment.

You are the epitome of an irresponsible pet parent.

You got rid of the last dog because she was ‘too much’ but now you’ve got a puppy. Puppies are an enormous amount of work.

Huskies even more so. You absolutely will abandon this dog too. If you had gone to a reputable rescue/shelter, they would have rejected your application because you have a history of abandoning animals. You should not be allowed to have another one. Ever.

Please return this puppy before they bond to you and have to go through the trauma of being abandoned.

I’m glad your partner broke up with you, and I hope he never speaks to you again.

You’re a disgusting person.” Hello_Gorgeous1985

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. A million times YTJ. What you did and are doing is horrible. Your (ex?) is 100000% correct, if not too nice about it. As a dog owner myself, how dare you subject such innocent, loving creatures to your heartless, mean ways?!? Dogs are not a toy. They are not a pretty home decor piece. They do not exist solely for your entertainment.

They are, however, a huge and lifelong (their life) responsibility. They are akin to a young, clueless child, who knows nothing in this world, except the love they feel for you. You are supposed to protect them and take care of them, and NOT dispose of them when you start to feel like they’re ‘not worth it’, as you said. I would have given you the benefit of the doubt if that had been your one and only dog ever, but the fact that you went and got another one AFTER realizing how much work dogs are? Nahhhhhhhhh you suck.

They are kind, loyal, loving, and forgiving, and definitely do not deserve to have an owner like you. Also, that Is how you react when your SO confronts you with the truth and facts? YTJ YTJ YTJ.” Avroraborealis

Another User Comments:
“Of course, you’re a jerk! Who gets rid of their dog because they’re tired of it, don’t think it’s worth it? If your dog was a problem, it’s YOUR fault, you didn’t train it correctly or spend enough time training it.

Then you get a Husky?? Those are a hard breed. Have you done any research into this breed other than it looks cute before getting it? It’s not just your partner, you said other people have said you’ve done this kind of thing before also. But yes, I’m sure everyone is wrong except you right?

If people are all saying the same thing, you may want to take a good look in the mirror.

I don’t blame your partner at all for leaving but once again, instead of looking at why and looking at yourself it’s all his fault right? What a jerk. I feel sorry for your poor dog, the old one and the new one. I’m sure when the going gets rough, and it will because it’s a puppy and you obviously don’t want to invest the time and energy it takes to raise and train it properly you’ll just dump it again when it’s not a cute puppy. Imagine if your parents did that, just said, oh she’s not little and cute anymore, she’s a troublesome teenager, we don’t want her anymore, and just got rid of you, although it sounds like they didn’t do a great job of raising you anyway.” Rockandahardplace69

2 points (4 votes)
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Straycat610 1 month ago
Ytj, majorly. You don't just give up on an animal because "it's not worth it" and too much work, especially just to turn around and get another, difficult breed, as a puppy. The same thing is going to happen. Hopefully you do the right thing and re-home that puppy and never get another pet. And hopefully your partner does the right thing and gets rid of you because if anyone isn't worth it, it's you
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7. AITJ For "Imposing Culture" Even Though I Thought I Was Just Being Nice?

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“Even though I (23f) am American, my parents are immigrants and therefore I have a different cultural upbringing than most. One thing that was hammered into my head from a young age was to always, always bring a small gift when visiting anyone’s house. It doesn’t matter if it’s family or friends or that one person you kind of know but don’t really like, bringing something is a must.

My partner (28m) and I have been together for almost 4 years now and since we both work from home he suggested we make dinner with his parents a weekly thing since we haven’t been able to see each other much for obvious reasons. I love his parents, so obviously, I agreed! Every week I made sure to bring something small to show my appreciation for them cooking for us (always using my own funds); a small bottle of wine, their favorite dessert, some flowers, etc., and they always thanked me for it.

This has been going on for a few months and absolutely didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary until yesterday when my bf and I were preparing to head over.

I’d gotten a cute vase of daffodils since luckily I’d found some in bloom and my partner’s mom really loves them, but my partner suddenly got really mad and asked why I kept bringing stuff over every week like his parents were ‘a charity case.’ Honestly, I got super confused and asked him what the problem was and that I’ve always done this with everyone including his friends since we met.

That it was a cultural thing but then he got even madder and told me to stop imposing my culture on everyone and it’s weird since I’m white. At that point, I didn’t feel like going anywhere with him and just gave him the flowers and went for a walk while he drove over to dinner by himself.

After he came home he still had the flowers which he gave to me and told me he was sorry but his parents really were super annoyed with me constantly bringing stuff over like they can’t take care of themselves, and later on, I got a text from his dad asking me to not come over for dinner anymore.

Now my partner’s giving me the cold shoulder unless I give his parents a huge apology, but I really, truly don’t feel like I’m in the wrong for trying to be nice to them. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

It could simply be a cultural misunderstanding, where you giving gifts as your cultural upbringing clashes with their culture of being given gifts supposed to mean as an insult of some kind or making them feel uneasy.

But I have seldomly heard of people being insulted by well-thought gifts or feeling ‘culturally imposed’ by such…

However, it’s peculiar how the parents and your partner couldn’t ‘man up’ and talk to you directly if the gift-giving really was bugging them so much and it’s even more peculiar that the parents text you, asking you not to join them anymore and that your bf, who supposed to support you (and your cultural heritage), just emotionally and verbally abandon you like that.

That is a very odd way to behave if it was just the gifts that were the issue here. Sounds like there’s more to it and the gifts were just a convenient scapegoat.

If you text someone, that’s often a way to distance oneself from the situation, so as to not be asked further questions or to be held responsible for the situation. It could also be a way to keep control over the conversation, they get to control what information you get and when you get it.

You can accept their explanation and leave it there, but I would recommend you can ask for a better explanation regarding what’s really going on. What are they avoiding by doing this? What is the real issue? Are they racists/ do they feel inferior before you?

If they’re not willing to explain better and/or just avoid you, minimizing the issue, your feelings, and their responsibility in this, then thank them for showing you who they really are and say goodbye to them all.

Don’t apologize for being you, for being kind and considerate! You deserve better than that.” aUFOditchedMeOnEarth

Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I am curious about the specific cultural background of the guy. In some cultures, you have to be careful about what exactly you present as a host gift. Small things like flowers are usually safe (unless the specific type of flower has some negative connotation in that culture) but larger gifts can be seen as passive-aggressive…

for example, in some Filipino houses, bringing gifts is usually a welcome gesture, but if you bring too much food to private dinner or a bottle of wine that upstages the hosts, it can be interpreted as an indictment of their hospitality or an attempt to boast about your superior social or financial standing.

To me, it sounds like you were well with the range of socially accepted gift-giving practices of any culture, but there still might have been some missteps on your end.

We would need more information to make a proper judgment on that… at the end of the day, you didn’t do anything wrong (at least not with malice) and your partner’s family is being unreasonable. As other commenters have said, it sounds like your partner misrepresented your intentions to his parents and they reacted based on faulty information. Get in contact with the parents and clear the air before this grows into a bigger controversy than it should be…

don’t let your partner get away with throwing you under the bus.” NG1010

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In fact, what you were doing was just polite good manners, no matter what your cultural background is. Many countries do this, there’s the German mitbringsel, for example. It’s thoughtful to at least ask if you can bring dessert or wine or whatever, even as a frequent guest.

It’s unfortunate that your efforts to show appreciation for their hospitality were met with hostility.

It’s not like you took over their mortgage payments while tutting ‘Oh, you poor, poor things!’

It’s also unfortunate that your partner and his family have such incredibly poor manners. Let’s say the gifts were starting to get on their nerves in some way. The right way to approach this would have been to say, ‘OP, thank you so much for the lovely flowers. We so enjoy the thoughtful gifts you bring, but we don’t want you to feel like you have to give us anything.

Your company is gift enough, so next time just come with a smile, that’s all we want.’

Your partner could have confirmed this by telling you afterward that while he knows it’s a cultural thing, his parents really don’t want you to feel like you have to bring something every time so why not just limit it to offering to bring dessert once in a while.

You were not at all in the wrong, your partner and his parents are. I think you should be thinking very hard over how you were treated, and if all three of them are people you want to keep in your life.” Cultural-Ambition449

2 points (2 votes)
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CmHart2008 1 month ago
Good manners dictate that you bring "a little something" when you are invited to someone's house for dinner! If the parents did not understand that gesture as a polite, well bred one, they are misinformed and your boyfriend should have explained it. You are NTJ but you need to rethink whether your boyfriend who did not protect you, is the right one for you. The parents seem to WANT to be insulted & your friend did nothing to promote understanding.
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6. AITJ For Signing Up My Partner For A Social Etiquette Class?

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“My partner and I have been together for a little under 3 months and we agreed it’s time for her to meet my family. For some context, I’m blessed and had a fortunate upbringing. My partner on the other hand faced some challenges in her life from a young age (particularly financial challenges).

She’s a beautiful, interesting person despite all of the hardships she faced. The only problem is that she lacks the manners that my family typically expects from someone I’m in a relationship with.

(My partner is the first less-fortunate woman I’m going out with). For that reason, I made the effort to prepare her for her first dinner with my family.

I got her signed up for an online social etiquette course and thought this was a good idea. However, when I told her she was absolutely furious. She claimed that I’m ‘obviously embarrassed’ to be with her and that I should just marry a ‘rich girl’ instead.

She even accused me of being ‘just another white, privileged guy’. To make matters worse she said that it’s ‘racially insensitive’ of me to feel the need to teach her how to behave.

So am I the complete jerk here? Explanations are more than welcome.”

Another User Comments:
“Yes YTJ. You asked for an explanation so: The point of deciding for your partner that they need to change what they act like is the jerk part.

You didn’t ask her if she’d like the class and you did it because you felt she wasn’t going to fit in, aka ‘isn’t good enough’ or yes you’re embarrassed by her manners. You made a unilateral judgment and decided for her how she was to proceed. That’s not ok no matter the financial situation.

You also speak about her in a way that’s demeaning. She isn’t a great person despite her upbringing.

She is a great person. Nothing else needed to be mentioned. She’s not a ‘less fortunate’ person, she’s a person. Money may buy you things but it can also be lost, neither financial situation can be seen as completely fortunate or unfortunate. It’s just numbered on Bank accounts. What makes a person good, and their lives fortunate, is what they do with their lives and how they treat others.

You definitely owe her an apology.” allthemigraines

Another User Comments:
“It’s always so frustrating that rich people think the rest of us are just squatting in the mud and eating with our hands and not with the proper fork or knife. You do realize dude that the way your family lives isn’t how the population of the world lives right? The fact that you have 30 different spoons and forks and knives is weird and the actual population of the world doesn’t live that way.

Instead of preparing your partner to eat like a ‘stick up the butt’ weirdo, you should be sending your ‘stick up the butt’ family to courses that teach how normal people act in a normal way. You’re with her because she was different right… not ‘stick up the butt’ like you were surrounded by; she was actually a breath of fresh air. So job one, a wrench that sticks out of your own butt and realizes the way you grew up isn’t the normal… far from it and the vast majority of the world doesn’t know nor care what the difference is between a shrimp fork and a prawn fork is.

YTJ.” The_Book-JDP

Another User Comments:
“Yikes. I’m going to say YTJ, albeit unlike some others here, I can COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from in so many respects.

However, signing up your partner for an online social etiquette class is in poor taste. While in the past for guys I have prefaced that they ‘brush’ up on our old school Home Econ classes (with a semi-serious laugh but eye contact held the whole time to show I’m not kidding around), I wouldn’t outright state that they are beneath me, because they aren’t.

You may not believe that’s what you portrayed to your new girl, but that’s the message you gave her.

Unfortunately, there is no way to go around this etiquette quagmire you put yourself in, so you need to sit down with her and be honest about why you believe that her brushing up on manners of various sorts would be crucial. Please do it in a way that is not demeaning or demoralizing.

If you can’t do that, you should look at yourself and your communication skills. This is a great opportunity for you to learn from your mistakes.

I wish she didn’t bring up race because you haven’t indicated if she is indeed, not Caucasian. Be prepared that this might be the line in the sand here and learn from it as a person.

Hope you guys sort this out! Next time, be mindful of others, it’s unkind and unsorting.

Remember, in time, people don’t remember what you did, people don’t remember what you say. What they do remember, is how you made them feel.” downsiderisk

2 points (2 votes)
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rbleah 2 months ago
Take him as he is or get out. YTJ
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5. AITJ For Asking A Student To Not Use "Anime Voice" In My Classroom?

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“I’m 28 (nb) and a new professor at an art college. I teach core classes about politics, sociology, and anthropology. Most teaching evals, feedback from my dean and chair, and student feedback give me high ratings in creating a safe environment for discussion. Students say I do a good job relating to students from different views, backgrounds, and expressions.

This is something I take seriously—especially as one of the only (that I know of) non-binary professors at the college.

I also take it seriously as someone who firmly believes in the integrity of the classroom. And empowering students to have hard discussions.

I make it a point to never complain about students. Even when they say something transphobic. I politely encourage them to learn and I’m rated as pretty gentle about getting them to think another way.

Recently, I had one of my most uncomfortable teaching experiences which seems silly.

I had a student who is not from Japan, never spent time in Japan, but loves anime and used a hypersexual, exaggerated, baby-like voice known as ‘anime voice.’

She took on what she perceives as a Japanese name and just really acts overexcited, and over the top constantly.

As someone who has had women students from Japan, I felt like it was at least mildly racist and just cringe for everyone to listen.

I pulled her into a convo and tried to let her see how I at least saw it. And she has since retaliated saying I don’t respect the accents or names of students.

This hurts. Admittedly, I’m a white professor but this student is not Asian. I suspected she might be on the spectrum so I tried to be gentle but firm but as an autistic person, autism is not an excuse for inappropriate behavior.

She reported me as an unsafe professor which I feel like ruins it for the international students I teach, whose names I pronounce correctly, whose accents I support, and the LGBT+ students who get to have an out non-binary professor for the first time.

The admin is mostly white and they kept asking ‘are you sure she isn’t from Japan?’And I’m like yes, 1. This is not how people from Japan talk 2.

She did a project about where she is from and she admitted to never spending time in Japan.

As an anthropologist, I feel it’s deeply irresponsible for her to use this voice. And since it is perceived as hypersexual, it made me super uncomfortable. I’m not sure how other students felt because I didn’t want to give her any attention over it.

People have suggested I was too harsh.

That people can take on the names and accents they want to. Am I the jerk here?

edit: she has audibly moaned a couple of times. The second time is when I pulled her aside before class (before many other students were there). I also have a class full of anime fans and people who love the subculture in the class. I’m also feminine/queer presenting and assigned female at birth, so it made me uncomfortable how she would also compliment me in the voice or say how much she loved my dresses.

Other students have complimented my fashion but not like this. Something was off about it.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

I feel like the administration’s response and the response of other people are rooted in the weirdly racist fetishizing way that people treat Asians.

Think of it like this: If this white student started calling herself a traditionally black/Jamaican/African name, referring to herself as black, and speaking in that manner as well, she would be put into line very quickly, as she should.

Because people understand that you shouldn’t appropriate culture so blatantly and rudely like that.

A lot of people tend to tiptoe around Asian-rooted racism, especially in the micro-aggressions like this. We see it first in black rooted racism because of our history in civil rights and black racism in the US (which is where I’m assuming you are.) and KNOW that it isn’t right because we are conditioned and educated to know that.

Since the 2020 times happened, Asian racism is so prevalent in so many strange ways. Not only has East Asian culture like KPOP and anime have a huge boom these past few years but openly rooted racism towards East Asians because of ‘woo woo Chinese disease’ it’s led others to feel comfortable openly appropriating east Asian/Japanese/Korean culture. We’ve unfortunately not been intimately educated in all the ways systemic racism targets east Asians (especially now more than ever) that people like this girl feel comfortable enough to openly exploit the culture that never belonged to her.

Can she appreciate Japanese culture? Absolutely, Japan encourages the exchange of cultures. Can she claim she’s Japanese, take on a Japanese name (that you’ve said isn’t even a legitimate name) and speak in a wildly inappropriate and fetishized voice? No. Because that’s racist, exploitative, and honestly super creepy.

If I was Japanese I’d be so livid. I’m not even Japanese and I’m still livid.” swoocetown

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.

You clearly dislike this student (and frankly I would hate the student as well if I had to either teach them or share a class) but as part of that, you are running together valid reasons to dislike the student (and behaviors that should be addressed) combined with things you just don’t like.

Moaning in class and comments about your clothing? Disgusting and need to be addressed.

Have a name you don’t like? Not your business.

Have a voice you don’t like? Not your business.

Using that voice to disrupt the class. Needs to be addressed. Is your business.

Assuming that any use of that voice is sensual? Jerk territory.

Assuming the student is autistic because of these behaviors? Jerk territory.

You making a whacking great song and dance of how tolerant you are, and how everyone thinks you’re so amazingly tolerant, and how you get compliments all of the time about your tolerance, and then being butthurt about one student disagreeing about your approach, without ever considering that you may have legitimately approached this student in a way that came off aggressive, demeaning, condescending or cruel? Not very good teacher territory.” Meatkingofchicago

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Oh gawd.

I winced reading this. Palpably uncomfortable, especially since she’s forcing other people in her vicinity to passively participate in her awful and insensitive caricaturization. What a desperately awkward and frustrating situation for you to be in. I’m sorry, OP. You didn’t overstep, and you weren’t being harsh. I guarantee you spoke the words that many of your students in the same class as her have been tamping down because they’ve flagged her as being just too uncomfortable to approach and talk to.

Her behavior isn’t acceptable, especially in an academic/professional setting. It’s offensive and just… just weird for everyone around her… and she’s probably making a significant portion of the rest of the class deeply uncomfortable.

The fact that she reported you as unsafe for calling her out for her bad and frankly racist behavior is truly awful. It’s a disservice and insult to you as both a professor & queer person who clearly cares deeply about your students feeling safe and respected.

Her being able to luxuriate in her delusion at the cost of other students’ comfort–or yours– is not fair.

When I was in university I joined our campus ‘nerd club’ (gaming/ttrpgs/anime/etc) for a few semesters and there was an uwu-person there who would also moan and do stuff very similar to what you’ve described this student doing. It was incredibly uncomfortable to deal with while they were there (they eventually got kicked out of the club and in trouble with the school b/c they bit someone).

Unless this girl also attacks someone, or 2+ students in your class lodge separate complaints to your department’s chair to demonstrate a pattern of her being disruptive to the class, there probably isn’t a lot you can do except grit your teeth and try to get through the rest of the semester.

But IMO you didn’t overstep at all in the way you attempted to communicate with her about the disruption and discomfort she’s been causing.

If anything, I’d almost say you were actually too permissive given how clearly uncomfortable other students were from the get, but because the situation is so odd your hands are a little tied, and clearly she was going to retaliate regardless of what you said. I suspect if you’d been any firmer than you were she might have reported that you threatened her.

It’s a trashy situation you’re in.” SoleofOrion

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.

Okay, weird take I have but bear with me.

As teachers it is not our place to ascribe motive to a behavior; her voice may be annoying. I have a trans friend who’s learning a new voice and their breathy Marilyn Monroe impression is INCREDIBLY irritating and it reeks of internalized misogyny to me, a non-binary assigned female at birth person. But I say absolutely nothing because people have a right to choose their voices and I’m not gonna question the journey someone is on while defining themselves.

Now for my friend- their journey is more valid in my opinion and even if her voice she’s creating currently sounds like nails on a chalkboard I’m ready to fight anyone who gives them anything for it, but! This student did not ask for your opinion on her voice. You said her voice is problematic and crossed the line. You can have whatever private opinions about it, but you don’t get to bring them to your professional discussions.

For the future, stick to defining behavior that is disruptive. ‘You are moaning in class. That is not allowed. You are commenting on my appearance. That is not allowed.’ Her fellow students may choose to correct her behavior or have bigger conversations with her on what you (likely rightly) assume is some racial fetishization nonsense. As her teacher, it is not your place to correct her behavior outside of how it pertains to your ability to teach.

And, no matter how cringe it is, please call her by her chosen name (unless the name itself is a slur). We can cringe at her preferred name, but we should respect her right to self define.” Deldogmom

1 points (3 votes)
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Michelles11 1 month ago
I am half Japanese, I am in my 50’s. I’m not into anime, I have younger relatives who are, none of them have adopted this kind of speech or behavior. One has taught herself how to speak Japanese fluently and speaks to my mother in Japanese all the time. If she behaved like this student I guarantee none of us would put up with it. There’s a time and a place to cosplay, the real world isn’t it. NTJ
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4. AITJ To Not Wanting To Pay Extra For My Cat?

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“My sister and I (f33) have planned to take a trip to Yosemite National Park over spring break (when her kids get a week off of school). It’s been on the books for a long time coming now and will be the perfect way to celebrate the lifting of the mask mandate (which just happened in our county.) She is coming with her husband and family, and naturally, I want my partner (m27) to come along with me.

However, my partner has expressed concern over the welfare of the cat. He wants to buy a self-feeder and an extra litter box to keep the cat indoors as usual, or to take her to a kitty hotel. However, I want to let the cat stay outdoors instead, and leave large containers of food and water out for her instead.

He argues that it’s not safe to leave the cat outside for a week, that she might get bullied by raccoons or coyotes, but I’ve always done it this way and I’ve never had a problem.

We even have a camera on our front porch so we can check in on her and make sure she eats every day.

I don’t want to spend extra moolah that doesn’t need to be spent, but my partner got mad and is threatening to stay home instead. I told him he would be ruining my long-planned vacation, but he doesn’t care.

So… am I the jerk for not wanting to spend unnecessary funds on cat care??”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

The only way this could possibly end with your cat being alive at the end of the week is if your cat is a fully-grown mountain lion.

Cats are social animals. They bond. Despite the fact you clearly have zero feelings for the poor thing, your cat thinks of you as family and is going to miss you when you’re not there. At best, you’ll be coming back to an injured, half-starved, and traumatized cat.

All because you can’t be bothered to hire a pet-sitter or do the bare minimum to ensure your pet is safe while you’re away.

You disgust me. Do you think your partner is ruining your vacation when clearly he’s the only one of the two of you who cares about anyone else? You selfish monster. If you go through with this plan, I hope your family abandons you in Yosemite and you can see how the wolves and bears ‘bully’ you.” FuegoFish

Another User Comments:
“Either pay for a cat hotel or let him stay home YTJ & a major one at that.

Outdoor cats have been shown not to be a good idea, but ESPECIALLY for one’s that were raised as (or primarily raised as) indoor cats??? Take it from me, someone who has two outdoor cats (Also before anyone says anything: I very much don’t like them being outdoor, but I have zero authority over them, they’re family cats & if it was my choice I’d have them both indoors, also…

they’re kinda indoor-outdoor, they come in indefinitely at night & whenever they want during the day) It can be really REALLY bad EVEN if nothing bad has happened the other times. Like your partner said, your cat could get hurt by other animals. But also, who will be there to know if the cat goes missing? You’ll be out of town, so at least a few days/a full week w/o knowing she’s gone.

What if she gets caught/stuck somewhere? What if she gets hit by a car? What if she gets spooked & lost?

‘This is how I’ve has always done it’ Okay, I’ve had outdoor cats for nearly 10 years, one of my cats (he’s indoors now, you’ll read why) was an outdoor cat for nearly 8-9 years. Then he went missing for 2 weeks & when he came back, he was so badly injured he had to have his tail removed & while it’s been a couple of months, he STILL doesn’t have full control of his bowels & when the door is open you can see how anxious he is.

He’s alive but had to go through something very traumatic, do you want that for your cat? ‘We have cameras to check’ That’s not good enough.

Those are all MAJOR concerns your partner has & that you SHOULD have. Like you’d rather roll the dice regarding if your cat goes missing or worse than simply spring a bit more on a pet hotel/automatic feeder+another litter box??? Or roll the dice rather than have your trip ‘ruined’ because your partner stayed home to take care of the cat?

Also, other animals will steal the food.

EDIT TO ADD: Plus even w/ my outdoor cats, someone ALWAYS stays home to be w/ them on the rare occasion we go out, or we have someone watch them. Like they’ve never been dropped outside for days–>a week+ while we went out..” Various_Passenger_21

Another User Comments:
“YTJ, good grief you sound like an awful kitty owner.

Is that nifty little camera going to save your cat from a savage coyote attack? No, it’s not! There fact that you show zero concern for your cat’s safety is actually really sad.

Do you even like your cat? You show absolutely no concern for your cat’s safety and well-being. Anything could happen to your cat, being left alone, outside, for an entire week. Cats are very susceptible to injury and attacks from other animals, like raccoons and other dogs. Being outside is also not good for the kitty’s health. Kitty could take a drink of water, on the driveway, and get sick from the runoff and chemicals on the ground.

Kitty can get sick from the elements… and no one will be there to help kitty.

Now if you’re too cheap to buy a self-cleaning litter box, and a self-feeder, which is the bare minimum you can do, then you should not have a cat or a pet in general. Heaven forbid you to spend $100 on your cat. That might take away from your vacation budget.

Your priorities are absolutely out of whack.

Your partner sounds very caring and level-headed. He’s doing what a good pet owner does, you know by actually trying to take care of the cat. He wants to keep the cat safe. Where you, on the other hand, just don’t care. You, yourself, said it by saying you do NOT want to spend moolah on your cat. If I was your bf, I’d stay home too.

I would use the week to pack up and find a nice new place for me and my kitty.

When you bring a pet into your life, you make a commitment. You are supposed to take care of them. You are supposed to make them a priority. You are supposed to do what’s best for them. The fact that you cannot be bothered to spend a dime on making sure your cat is taken care of, while you’re on vacation, shows that you do not deserve your cat. And the fact that you’re more concerned with how bad it would look, by bf staying home, is just further proof you do not deserve your cat. Appearances mean more than your cat’s safety.

Please let bf take the cat when he leaves. Cat deserves a loving home where it will be taken care of. Unfortunately, you’re not that home.” BooBooKittyKat1

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Straycat610 1 month ago
Not just ytj but you're a piece of shit. $20 max for an auto feeder and an extra litter box. Vs your cat fighting animals, weather, possibility of getting hit by a car. You don't deserve an animal. I hope your husband leaves you and takes the cat with him because you deserve nothing
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3. AITJ For Being Mad My Partner Won't Make Noodles The Way I Like?

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“I have always been a picky eater especially when it comes to tomatoes. Ever since I was a kid, my dad would make my spaghetti different from the rest of the house. I like having an essence of the sauce flavor on the noodles but not the overpowering flavor having noodles bathed in sauce creates. So, here’s where it gets a bit odd, my dad would separate my spaghetti from the family’s after putting the sauce on and then would rinse the sauce off with the sink and strainer.

I love noodles like this as it is a nice subtle tomato vibe given to the mild spaghetti.

My (20) significant other (26) has known about this since we first started going out. He always told me my food habits were cute. We have been going out for almost three years now and moved in together at the beginning of 2020 so we could be stuck at home together.

Ever since we moved in together he insisted on taking charge of cooking and all cooking-related tasks (dishes, grocery shopping, etc) and he assigned me the role of cleaning the bulk of the apartment. We split other tasks pretty much 50-50 too.

Everything was perfect and he always SEEMED to be making noodles the way I liked them when we had them. This was until last week when we last had spaghetti.

We ate and everything was good but afterward, he started teasing my saying things like, ‘you really like your pasta with an ‘essence’ of tomato’ and ‘how was your tomato ‘essence’ babe?’ Always use finger quotes around the word essence. After a few comments, I felt something was off and asked him if he had done anything differently with tonight’s noodles than he usually does and he started laughing.

When he finally stopped laughing he told me the whole truth while smirking. He said, “I didn’t do anything different than I USUALLY do. I have never been making it the way you have requested.”

Apparently, the entire time we’ve been living together, he’s just been skipping the pasta sauce on my noodles entirely! He claimed that if I didn’t notice for this long then it shouldn’t matter that he is making dinner in a way that is easier for him.

I disagree entirely. I think the lying was a huge breach of trust and so was the refusal to make dinner how I wanted. I have admittedly been acting passive-aggressively to him since, but he thinks he did nothing wrong, that I’m overreacting, and that I need to let it go. AITJ?

Edit: So a lot has happened since this morning. Y’all may be happy to hear we broke up.

We had a huge blowup fight since he found the post which led to me breaking up with him. He did not like being called a predator and I started to think y’all had a point about that so I ended up breaking up with him. He attempted to plead with me a bit, my parents pay our rent so he can’t afford the place without me, but I wouldn’t budge.

Now some things I found out in the argument: First, he is not a pharmacist like he always told me, he just works at CVS. Second, he has actually lied to me multiple times with other girls that go to my college. And lastly, and worst of all, he has never actually been allergic to dogs and just doesn’t like them.”

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You both sound dreadful, TBH.

The idea that putting pasta sauce on noodles and then rinsing it off would leave an ‘essence of tomato flavor’ is objectively ridiculous, and more importantly, really a shockingly disgusting waste of pasta sauce. What your dad did was basically teach you to waste food whilst planting the idea in your head that you were tasting something that was all in your imagination. You can be annoyed at your partner, but the fact that you didn’t notice the difference all this time is indisputable evidence that he was right: you weren’t tasting any ‘essence’ of anything to begin with.

It was a placebo effect. You feel betrayed, but honestly, you should be more embarrassed that you were asking someone to consistently waste sauce by putting it on your noodles and then literally washing it off again.

First of all, there is no rational way that you COULD have tasted it after that. Secondly, people (myself included) literally struggle to make sure that they can afford to put food on their table at all, and you’re bloody well pouring it out the jar and then washing it down the sink ON PURPOSE.

Be embarrassed.

Your partner is a jerk, not for refusing to waste pasta sauce on you (honestly, good for him), but for being a jerk about it and mocking you. He sounds like a really nasty human being, and I can’t speak for you but I wouldn’t go out with someone who spoke to me that way. He should have just pointed out the complete wastefulness of what you wanted from the outset.

Though I suspect that you wouldn’t have listened, honestly, if you actually believe that washed pasta noodles still retain an ‘essence of sauce’. I’m going to guess that you believe in homeopathy as well…

Everyone sucks here, and y’all deserve each other.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU

Another User Comments:
“If you moved in together at the start of 2020 and this reveal happened last week, that means he lied to you about your food for two years.

He refused to let you cook, refused to let you see your food getting prepared, lied to you about how he was preparing your food, laughed at you behind your back about it for two years, then openly mocked and humiliated you when he did his big reveal. Now he’s refusing to accept responsibility for the fact he betrayed your trust.

You have every right to be mad.

I don’t care that it was only a matter of leaving the sauce off of the pasta, you don’t lie to someone about what they’re eating and it is beyond disturbing to do that to someone for two years.

If he had only done it once and owned up to it immediately, yeah, you would have been overreacting, but he did it for two years. That’s messed up.

I would personally have a hard time eating anything he cooked, ever again. What if you develop food sensitivity and he decides he doesn’t believe you? Will he secretly expose you to your trigger food, just to prove ‘it’s not a big deal’?

NTJ. It’s utter nonsense to mess with someone’s food.” scribblecatface

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – him for making it a joke and taunting you about it.

But honestly, you’re the bigger problem here. I’m pretty sure what you think of as the ‘essence of tomato’ is just the smell of the sauce from other people’s plates. Girl. You are waaaaaay too much.

Listen, I feel you on not being huge on tomatoes. And tomato sauce. It causes me major issues. And growing up my family lived on spaghetti and meatballs and pizza. Both of which are not enjoyable for me.

My mom would have the spaghetti separate from the meatballs and sauce so people could sauce their own. And then I was in charge of my own food, be it if I wanted plain noodles (which is what you were eating, let’s be honest) or a little bit of sauce. And on pizza nights I discovered white pizza and got my own small pizza.

But this whole…

put sauce on and rinse it is way too much. And if it’s that big of a deal for you to waste food, do it yourself. You’re like my brother who always wanted a ham and cheese sandwich, hold the ham. God help us if we told him it was a cheese sandwich – it was a ham and cheese sandwich, hold the ham. You want plain noodles and to smell the sauce from other people’s helpings.

No shame in admitting it.” TribalMog

Another User Comments:
“He broke Rule #1 in a relationship – Honesty. He lied to you about something you trusted him with. Without honesty, any relationship is heading for disaster.

That leads to Rule #2 – Trust. Do you still trust him after this? Trust is the essential building block of all interpersonal relationships. While I might be “mansplaining” – please forgive me if I am.

I’m an old guy but I can tell you this; when someone lies to you consistently about something they are showing you who they are. Your choice is to ignore the lie or to call him on it. The thing is… I think that your partner is a bit controlling. He makes all the food. You never mentioned it but do you enjoy cooking on occasion? The fact that he cleans up the kitchen, dishes, pots, and pans, etc is a plus.

I get the feeling that he enjoys cooking but not cleaning… and that’s your job. He seems to be ok in the chores department as you’ve said the two of you do split the rest fairly evenly.

From what you’ve written it seems like he is a controlling person. That’s ok, some people like that some don’t. You have to decide if that raises yet another red flag.

Idk if he has ever apologized to you about anything. In this tho instead of saying ‘I’m sorry’ for the lie what he has done is insisted you were at fault. Yet another flag to me.

As to your unusual way of making pasta. Have you ever considered that the aroma of the sauce is the essence you’re convinced that you’re tasting? Personally, I would recommend putting a teaspoon of heated sauce on the pasta and mixing it to see if that is too strong for you. If it is too strong then you’re tasting the smell of it.

I would be very careful moving forward in this relationship as he sounds a bit narcissistic.

OP, in this I believe that you are NTJ.” VictorDancer

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Ashbaby 2 months ago
He’s a jerk for lying to you, you’re a jerk for being an insufferable twit. Obviously you don’t taste an essence of anything, you’re just high maintenance. You two should probably stay together, you’re both awful
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2. AITJ For Not Wanting My Son To Have A Cupcake At A Birthday Party?

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“My son is 9, and though we do allow him to have sweets, we try to limit his intake of them, and my wife and I have agreed on this. Now to the birthday party. We are there, he is playing, had some lunch, and is running around with the other kids while the other adults are having conversations. I go to get water and see him hunched over kinda hiding behind the table with all the food.

I see him chewing something and come to find out he is eating cookies. No big deal, he could have asked to have some, but he knew that his sweet for that day would have been the cake/cupcakes that were going to be served. So I told him that since he wanted to be sneaky and try to eat cookies without being caught, he would not get a cupcake.

Fast forward to them serving the cupcakes, and my wife sends him to go wash his hands. Once he leaves she says to me, ‘I think he should have one, it’s rude if he doesn’t’, implying it would be rude to the hosts. I respond with, ‘No, he knows the rules and he sneakily had cookies, so he doesn’t deserve one.’ Well, clearly she didn’t care and he ended up eating a cupcake, making me look like the bad parent/jerk.

I don’t believe I was wrong in this situation, but I guess you all can be the judge of that.”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

Pediatricians and pediatric experts have been really clear about regulating food and weight/diet talk to young children and how harmful it is.

Like, okay, I get it, filling up on sweets and stuff is not great. You want him to eat healthily. But if your butt is eating sweets too, that’s not fair.

And singling him out in front of other kids also is not okay. And you are unaware that you’re actually ENCOURAGING him to sneak and hide food.

He’s a kid. Eating sweets isn’t a problem for him unless he’s diabetic or something similar.

And you’re going about this the entirely wrong way too. Try coming down to his level and seeing things through his eyes, and no I don’t mean start doing like ‘Okay if I was an entitled brat…’ I mean, seriously think about the developmental stage his brain is in and the way he’s going to rationalize and understand the world.

There are ways to make sure your kids are getting all the nutrients they need (and fun fact: even sweets have nutrients) without shaming them, trying to publicly embarrass them, and barring them from things wholesale.

Though for the record, I think your wife and you also need to have a talk about your parenting styles. Maybe she is thinking something else than what she said. Serious talking about how y’all feel about what you’re doing is a good thing.” HiQueerbert

Another User Comments:
“Since this is at a birthday party, I would be much more lenient with the kid in this case regardless of your rules, so your wife isn’t the jerk.

At the same time, what is wrong with all of these people? Parents for generations have told their kids to eat fewer sweets, and ‘being caught stealing from a cookie jar’ is a cliché at this point. If restricting your kids from eating too many sweets caused eating disorders at a high rate, then a WAY larger fraction of people would have eating disorders. Restricting how many sweets your kids can have is not bad parenting.

These people saying this are more likely to get their kids hooked on sweets and turning obese because god forbid they might restrict children from eating garbage (and thus cause them to try and be sneaky once in a while). Your son trying to secretly eat a cookie when being disallowed to isn’t evidence of an eating disorder. It’s such a common random benign thing for kids to want unlimited sweets, for parents to say no at some point, and then for the kids to try and steal some when the parents aren’t looking.

That’s practically a classic tale at this point.

It’s staggering how many people jumped on the ‘YTJ’ bandwagon repeating the same nonsense. Sure, it might give some small fraction of kids an eating disorder to restrict their sweets, but limiting how much unhealthy food your kids can eat isn’t a bad thing. Remember when parents were supposed to make sure their kids’ nutrition was proper, and not just that their kids got whatever type of junk food they wanted, whenever they wanted? No wonder childhood obesity is skyrocketing.

NTJ OP, except for the fact that this is a birthday party. I guess in this specific scenario you are the AH, but in general, neither of you is super wrong when it comes to trying to give your kids a healthy diet.” Surya1197

Another User Comments:
“As the person that was raised by people exactly like you, who now has an extremely messed up relationship with food and their body because of this approach to sugar and has only just in their late teens been able to eat without feeling inexplicable guilt, yes.

yes, YTJ. I get that you and your wife think that you’re fostering healthy habits and better food choices or whatever you guys are calling it nowadays, but all you’re really doing is giving your child that same terrible relationship with food and body image that will, without a doubt, manifest into a full-blown eating disorder.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with teaching your child about moderation and nutrition.

There is nothing wrong with wanting your child to fuel their body. I’m not saying you should let your kids eat sugar by the spoonful, but you can’t teach them about moderation by restricting their sugar intake. All that’s doing is creating a belief that there are good foods and bad foods, and bad foods are what you can’t have much of, if any.

No child should have to feel like they have to watch what they eat.

No child should feel like they aren’t allowed to have food. No one should. That’s exactly why diet culture thrives the way it does. Because parents like you demonize sugar when all it really is, is a carb. which is literally what the body runs on, another thing that diet culture demonizes which I wouldn’t be surprised if you did as well. they normally go hand in hand.

I’ve seen this ‘parenting’ play out for so many people, in my own family, loved ones, and myself. It does absolutely nothing helpful.

Also, I agree with your wife, if your child doesn’t have a dietary restriction and actually likes whatever they’re offering at the party, it is rude not to take what is offered, but I don’t like the reasoning that it might reflect badly on your family.

Like you shouldn’t be rude, within reason, and your reason was not valid. it’s a birthday party for Pete’s sake, let the kid live.” samie-yammie

Another User Comments:
“NTJ bc you are limiting your child’s sweets intake as a function of his health. If you said something like ‘my kid can’t have sweets, bc I hate sugar’ then that’s very, very different.

I assume you are in the US.

A lot of kids are overweight or even obese and do not receive good nutrition at home, in schools, etc. Many families have generational diabetes or deal with children on medication where food intake needs to be monitored. As a parent, you decide what is best for your kid. It’s your (voluntary) job. I don’t think you are a bad parent for caring about your child.

Your wife isn’t a bad person for thinking your kid can have a few sweets at the party either.

Your kid sneaked those cookies, bc he knew the sweets rule. He probably just wanted double sweets. Sweets are like crack to kids, and parties are a free-for-all. Unlike a lot of other comments, this one time of hidden eating does not equal an eating disorder (or disordered eating).

He just didn’t want to get in trouble and wanted that sugar rush. He’s a little kid, and it’s a typical response.

The part of this whole ordeal that would make you a bad parent is if you don’t have a conversation with your wife (first) about his sweets intake and even relax the rule. You and your wife should be on the same page about how to raise your kid.

Then, once you decide on how to proceed, both sit down with your kid and discuss the birthday party/sweets ordeal and how life & his relationship with sweets will function going forward.

Be kind to yourself while taking into consideration everyone’s advice in this thread. You didn’t send your kid to the gulag, and your kid isn’t missing out on major life experiences by having limited sweets.” todreamofspace

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rbleah 2 months ago
Looks to me like he was hiding eating it because of your way of treating him about sweets. Maybe take a good long look at yourself and the way you went about it
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1. AITJ For Not Telling My Wife I Have Biological Children?

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“I (44m) have been my wife 12 years married for 6. We have 3 beautiful kids. We support our kids, we live in our dream home, we vacation often, and life is good for us I have no complaints.

The problem is when I was in college (I was 19) a classmate of mine and her wife approached me about being a donor for her and her wife.

They were both in their late 20s and wanted to have children. So I agree. I told my parents about it. Lawyers were involved. I was not to seek them out or try to contact them or the kids. Everyone was on the same page. Eventually, we found out they both were able to get pregnant. A few months later I signed some more papers at the lawyer’s office.

Never heard anything else, they moved on, I moved on. When visiting my parents, my wife and I ran into this family. Their son looks EXACTLY like me, to the point where it was uncomfortable. Their daughter looks like my sister. They introduced us , and it was awkward but pleasant. My wife was completely blindsided… but I understand.

I never brought it up with my wife because when we first started going out, kids and fertility were a huge trigger for her because she had been told she would never have kids.

But then we started popping out babies so I never felt the need to bring this up because I could legally never be involved with these kids. Like ever.

She’s threatening divorce

She’s really struggling with the fact that our kids have siblings. I try to tell her that they don’t that they aren’t my kids and these women (their mothers) mean literally nothing to me. I go years without even giving them a thought.

In hindsight, I could have, but I really was trying not to trigger a very sensitive issue for her and we eventually have beautiful children of our own. So I feel like the jerk.

ETA – I have acknowledged my wife’s feelings. She’s handed me my butt several times. -I haven’t even tried to tell her she’s wrong for being upset.

am trying to get her to agree to therapy.

These pregnancies were done in a clinic I did NOT SLEEP WITH THEM. – I have had copies of everything sent over to show my wife including NDA (cuz we went to the same university) and parental rights.

Another edit and update. I am giving her space, I have validated her feelings. I am taking whatever reaction she throws at me because I understand that she is shocked and upset.

She still has not agreed to therapy. I will start therapy alone to see if she will eventually join me. I’m allowed to think divorce is an overreaction.

My parents got involved because I was 19 to make sure I would not be financially liable. So they also signed NDA. NDA states not to contact, approach, or discuss the biology of all parties involved. I will. I will not disclose anyone’s age apart from my own, I will only say the donor children are over a decade older than my kids.”

Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.

You may have donated sperm, they are not your children. I can see why you didn’t say anything because that is the relationship. There was never any expectation for you to have a relationship with the kids, and you signed documents saying that you would never attempt to have a relationship with them. So I can see why you did not see a need and wanted to protect your wife who is struggling with her own fertility.

But that said, were I your wife, I would also be pretty upset that this never came up beforehand.

Fertility struggles or not I would want to know before the children entered our lives that there is a possibility that some kids may show up one day wanting to know about their father. It is not uncommon for children born from sperm donation at some point to want to learn more about their biological parents even if all the documents in the world have been signed.

I think therapy is going to be your best bet in the situation.” anglerfishtacos

Another User Comments:
“YTJ – with all the at-home DNA testing out today, people are finding ‘relatives’ all the time. You really should have had a discussion at some point that you were a donor when you were in college, and that there could be offspring out there somewhere. She deserved to know that, and together you need to figure out how to explain this to your children.

Think about it, something could happen to you and suddenly children show up claiming to be your long-lost kids? Even if they want nothing material, your kids now have to wonder if you lied to their mom, how this happened, are these people lying, etc. Also, what if your kids and these kids meet and become romantically involved, only to find out they are half-siblings.” SingleContribution97

Another User Comments:
“I’m in the NTJ camp.

You did not sleep with anyone. You donated some body fluids to them. They are not your children, even if they share some DNA with you. This was all made explicit through strong, binding, legal documents.

Let’s say that you went to a sperm bank (do those things exist anymore?) to get extra moolah. And a woman you didn’t know used that sperm to get pregnant. Would you have to tell your wife that somewhere someone might have used your sperm to have their own child and that as a result, your children might have ‘siblings’? Absolutely not.

The mere fact that you knew the people that used your donation doesn’t change the equation for me.

So no, you don’t have other children. Your kids don’t have siblings. There just happens to be people out there in the world that look like you.

TBH I kind of think your recipients are the jerk because they ‘introduced’ you without any prior warning or agreement. So what if they looked like you — could just have been a coincidence.

What happened to those legal documents? How did that affect their children?

It’s a lot for your wife to take in here, and you have to do what you have to do to save your marriage (even if that means making amends and apologizing for something that she views as a trust violation that, IMO, isn’t), but I don’t fault you for the path you chose.” Perdendosi

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.

Even if you had simply donated sperm anonymously, that’s the sort of fact that one would expect to have mentioned at some point in the last 12 years. You don’t specify, but I’m assuming these two women got pregnant without the use of a specimen cup. I’m thinking your wife’s fertility is NOT the reason you failed to mention this collegiate activity.

Your wife is rightly concerned that you would keep such a big secret from her. If it’s not a big deal, why not mention it, and if it IS a big deal, why wouldn’t you tell her? BUT I do think threatening divorce is going too far.

Presuming you still have the legal documents, show them to her to validate your story. AND apologize for not telling her sooner, instead of making excuses.” 1962Michael

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Gamergirl 1 month ago
Ntj. I would have told her myself, but they're not siblings. She's upset, yes and she has every right to be but I agree divorce is a bit much. I hope she agrees to therapy with you to try to work through it
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