People Want Us To Decide Who's To Blame In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
13. AITJ For Kicking My Partner Out Of The House While Meeting My Parents?
“I (F19) have been with this guy (M23) for not even a month and he asked to meet my parents. I said no because it felt too soon which I expressed to him and he said he understood.
Just yesterday he dropped me off home (I live with my parents) so I went to take a shower. I heard talking in my living room and when I walked out they were having a full-blown conversation about us and our relationship.
I asked what was going on and told him in front of them how I said this makes me uncomfortable and I wasn’t ready. I told him he needs to leave now which he did but it was extremely awkward leaving.
My parents are saying I’m the jerk cause I kicked him out and he thinks I overreacted.
Edit: My parents were okay with this because they saw it as him being a mature man and described it as gentlemanly behavior.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He really went out of his way to ignore your wishes especially after you were quite clear about your feelings. This is very disrespectful of you, and it shows that what he thinks/feels is more important (to him) than what you want.
It bothers me that your parents didn’t have your back in this situation. This guy’s behavior is concerning and is a bright red flag. Lucky that you saw very early on that it’s his way or the highway.
You should end things with this creep and not look back. Bullet dodged.
ETA: The fact that your man would say that you are overreacting is a real jerk move. He could have just as easily said he was sorry, that he was just really excited to meet your parents, whatever.
That would not excuse his disregard of your feelings, but at least it would have shown remorse for his bad behavior. Instead, he put the blame on you as if you aren’t entitled to your feelings and as if your feelings are wrong (which they are not.) He’s trying to make you out to be the bad guy and that is wrong and a bad sign of things to come.” Eccentric_Mermaid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He pushed the relationship pace to suit himself. He is trying to ingratiate himself to your parents… get them to like him, think he is a great guy, so that when he does start openly controlling you, mistreating you, restricting your movements, taking your money – if he even lets you work, baby trapping you, abusing you… your parents won’t believe it because he is ‘so nice to us.’ He totally lied to your face that he understood your position, disregarded your feelings, introduced himself to your parents, and talked about your relationship.
Kick him out of your life.” Realistic-Animator-3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t usually say this actual word even when telling someone to leave, but RUN. This man does not listen. He assumes he knows best and what he wants trumps what you want and he has only been with you for a month.
How freaking dare he? On top of that, meeting the parents at a month is rushing things along, but then, he wants to rush you into a commitment. He wants to try to charm your parents so they will be in his corner and guess what… they already are. Your parents will only get worse if they meet him more and he is already far too controlling.” KnightofForestsWild
12. AITJ For Pursuing Career My Family And Friends Are Violently Against?
“I’ve had (still have) a good career in something computer-related. It is a well-paying field. I’m a hashtag woman in the stem. How progressive. My mom is a 70s feminist.
My husband loves the pay scale.
Most of my friends either don’t work outside the home or hate their jobs (the latter group has good careers).
Me, I have never been OBSESSED with technology, like I’m ‘supposed’ to be.
I just do this to pay my bills and raise my kids. I’m somewhere between ‘smug that I got X done and look good’ to unfulfilled and feeling cooped up in a cube.
The problem is that after a compendium of life changes (largely bad) I’ve had some revelations that I’m living my life for other people.
While recovering from major surgery, I started writing a children’s book and…
I got interested from a literary agent! She’s shopping it around to publishers as we speak. I’ve won a couple of awards for the manuscript from people in the industry who know what they’re talking about.
Writing is when I feel alive and happiest. It isn’t working for me. I understand that you have to sell about 10+ books for you not to need a day job anymore but pulling late nights to write or edit isn’t a sacrifice.
My family & friends are somewhere between furious at the time I’m ‘wasting’/’stealing’ from my kids and employer and laughing at how I’m chasing a ‘pipe dream.’ None have read a word I’ve written but insist my books ‘suck’.
Oddly, the only outlier is my black-sheep eccentric aunt who… works in a different publishing vertical. She’s read my manuscript and thinks it’s strong.
Nobody else has read my stuff. But they’re using buzzwords like ‘delusional’ and ‘PLEASE get professional help.’
To me, it looks like they’re trying to gatekeep me out of feeling fulfilled and don’t know what they’re talking about.
Given that I am still pulling in a 6-figure salary and benefits, taking care of my kids, and clearly my writing has teeth, I think they need to back off and find something better to do.
Who’s the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Listen to me carefully. 99% of all people you will meet will try to crush your dreams because of their own failures.
I make indie games. It is an extremely competitive market and every single family member and friend told me to give it up and get a real job.
Every single person doubted me.
Eventually, I started getting paid. First, it was only a few hundred. Then a bit more. Then when I made $5,000 for my last game all of a sudden those same people turned around and started congratulating me and acting as they supported me the entire time.
Am I rich yet? No. I have some famous games out there but I also have not hit it big financially and still work a job. But it’s the only thing that gives me hope to escape and live my dream one day.
People don’t care about ideas and dreams. They only care about results. Once you actually start earning, those two-faced people all of a sudden want to be part of your life.
People don’t like supporting pipe dreams, but they all want to be part of a celebrity or winner’s life.
Remember always pay attention to the people that support you when you are trying to build a future.
Always be careful of people that only show up after you have success.
Now in the meantime. Don’t give up your job yet. You will need funds. But keep working at your pipe dream every week! Ignore every single person that tells you otherwise.
Instead, do not discuss it with small-minded people like that. Find other friends that have dreams as well that you can support each other’s dreams. You mentioned some were single mums.
No offense to them but they usually have no ambitions beyond the household so you should seek other friends that have big goals. Support them and they will support you.
NTJ. They are not ‘jerks’ they are just generic humans like 90% of people will never make it big in anything.
You are not a jerk either. It’s just small-minded people with no ambition clashing with your ambitions.” ILikeToArgueALot
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I’m going to be real with you as someone who’s done work making children’s books – you aren’t going to be making a living.
I don’t care how much your aunt likes your scripts or how many ‘awards’ it’s won despite not even being published yet (lol seriously?) there is literally no way you are going to make a living without having support from a family member OR being incredibly well known for being a writer in other genres – or even better, having money, to begin with.
It just does not happen.
And it sucks, I’m sure everyone would love to be in a career that they actually enjoy doing AND get paid well enough to support a family but it’s very, very rare.
I’m not trying to kid you like you’re going to fail, but even people who have gone and spent years at university devoted every minute to it and were more ‘talented’ than you have failed.
The market is extremely small and extremely difficult to break into.
If you are going to do this and try moving towards making it a full-time job you need to treat it as a side job or nice hobby for now.
Take your computer knowledge and see if you can get a job somewhere in the literary field doing some sort of tech for that. But absolutely do not put all your eggs in one basket and try to go solely into writing children’s books, especially if you have a family to support.
Your mother and family might not be seeing it as worthwhile because you have children to support right now, and I can’t blame them for being upset they’re assuming you’ll pull a midlife crisis and try to become a writer.” PossibleCheque
Another User Comments:
“I just do this to pay my bills and raise my kids.
As someone who works in the field, YES. PLEASE. MORE PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
The IT industry has a major problem that it focuses on ‘superheroes,’ the people who look at a device or a piece of code and make it work overnight.
Their technical skills are amazing and their results speak for themselves — however, if you have a team of superheroes everything just breaks apart, because superheroes like that jump at the exciting challenges, and when the time comes to do the boring stuff and work with clients, they start to dabble elsewhere and their productivity just peters off.
People who come in, work from 9 to 5, and get things done are a manager’s dream. They keep to schedules, they communicate, they care — and, most importantly, they leave their job at the workplace.
You won’t get midnight calls ‘Hey sorry, I broke the thing and I know tomorrow is a release day but could we maybe delay? By a week? I’ll get the new stack running by then I promise!’
Do not let anyone tell you you are ‘less’ or ‘not what you are supposed to be,’ you and others like you are the spines of the industry and without you, everything would fall apart.
I can’t write in the open about people I know who have made a MASSIVE difference in the software industry, have been household names at one point (though it was more of 15 minutes of fame type of thing), but knowing them personally they just worked 9 to 5 and spent their off-time not building massive fiber networks at home or working kinks out on the latest programming language or hype word or debating about the Linux kernel…
no, they gardened, or worked on their car restoration project, built chairs and tables or trained dogs. Oh, and spent time with their kids.
While I’m saddened that the field is losing an upstanding productive member to a creative field I’m of the opinion that everyone who has a dream should follow it.
Especially if they have an actual chance. So, as someone who blushingly just posts on writing prompt occasionally, YOU GO GIRL.
NTJ. Take note of the people who tell you you can’t do it or try to put you down, don’t share so much with these people but try to tell their kids that even though their parents are dum-dums they can still be whatever they want to be.” s-mores
11. AITJ For Not Paying For Someone Else's Art Supplies That My Kid Ruined?
“I have a 5-year-old daughter, who we’ll call Emma. We live in a neighborhood full of families with young children, so it’s not unusual for kids from different families to play together with 1 or 2 parents supervising.
I’m also occasionally the supervising parent, so it’s not like I just expect other people to watch my kid.
Early in March, Emma was playing over at another 5-year-old girl’s house with the other kid’s mom (let’s call the mom Lina) supervising.
Lina later told me that her nephew was also visiting at the time, and he ended up having an accident and Lina had to go clean him up. In the meantime, while Lina wasn’t supervising her, Emma had gone to Lina’s art room (she is a professional artist) and played around with her art supplies.
She ended up destroying a few of her paintings and brushes.
When Lina got back, she got mad at Emma and brought her back to my house. She told Emma to explain what she did, and she told me that she had played with Lina’s art stuff.
Lina then showed me pictures of her art room after Emma had played there, and I admit, it looked awful. I apologized profusely and told her that I’d have a talk with Emma.
Lina told me that it wouldn’t be enough and that she needs me to pay for all of the damages. I told her that she shouldn’t ask me to pay for all of it if her daughter also had her part in ruining the stuff.
Lina told me that her daughter knows not to ‘touch her stuff’, and that Emma did it all by herself.
I took Emma inside and asked Lina how much I’d have to pay.
She told me the amount, and it was almost in thousands! I’m not doing well financially and told her that I can’t pay that amount. She started yelling at me about how Emma ruined her artwork and brushes and how that’s a huge financial loss for her, but I just asked her that if I don’t have that kind of money, how am I supposed to pay for it? At this point, my partner came to the door to tell her to leave, and Lina left with the other kids she had with her.
A day or two afterward, she came knocking on my door with two of her relatives (a man and a woman) and they all just started talking loudly at me and telling me that I should pay for her art supplies.
I got angry and told them that Lina should’ve supervised Emma if she wanted to make sure her art stuff would be untouched. They all seemed to get even angrier and then the man asked if I could pay for it partially now and the rest later.
I don’t have anything to take the funds from, and at that point, I was just so done I said ‘nope’ and closed the door.
Ever since that, I’ve been receiving messages from Lina/her brother/her cousin/her SIL/just basically all of her relatives telling me to pay for Lina’s art stuff and threatening me with the court.
I think they’re overreacting at this point and I’m just so done with them. I don’t know what to think.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Unless your daughter KNEW she wasn’t supposed to be in that room or touch those things (because she had played there before and had been told explicitly not to touch them) you are NTJ.
If you have young kids, you know: don’t leave things lying around where kids can mess with them unless you want kids to mess with them. Yes, I know you can’t necessarily put an entire artist’s studio up on a high shelf, but you can close the door and put a child-proof doorknob on it.
If you work from home and you have things that can easily be destroyed, you protect those things. You certainly don’t assume that someone else’s kid will know better.
I think you should ask yourself a couple of questions.
First, could you reasonably have been expected to know that this would happen, and did you fail to prevent it? No, you could reasonably expect that if your daughter was visiting someone else’s house she would be properly supervised and that she would be made aware of any rules she needed to follow (eg don’t go into this room and don’t touch these things).
Second, was there anyone else who could have been expected to know that this might happen, and could they have prevented it? Yes. The other mom knows she has art supplies and art that are within reach of small children, and as she has a daughter herself we can assume she knows that young kids sometimes touch things that are really tempting, even if they know they shouldn’t.
Could she have prevented it? Maybe not, but if she had taken all reasonable precautions (explaining the rules to your daughter, informing you ahead of time that she keeps her work somewhere that is accessible to kids so you could reinforce to your daughter that she can’t touch those things, closing the door to the art room and locking it or using childproofing) and your daughter had still managed to get into the room, that would be a different story.
If you had been there and hadn’t been supervising your daughter properly, it would be different. If your daughter were 8 or 9 years old it would be different, but she is 5.
She isn’t really old enough to appreciate the consequences of her actions in this case. She wasn’t being malicious, she was just being 5.
A five-year-old might know that they shouldn’t play with something unless they ask, but a five-year-old also doesn’t have very well-developed impulse control.
Also, art supplies are something that a five-year-old might normally be allowed to play with. It is hard for young kids to understand the distinction between ‘these art supplies that I can play with’ and ‘those art supplies that I can’t play with’.
If your daughter had used a knife to cut holes in the furniture, for example, that would be different: a five-year-old has been taught (presumably) that she should never play with a knife.
Five-year-olds are very concrete. They understand things like ‘all knives are dangerous, I am not allowed to touch any knives’. Things like ‘some art supplies are off-limits, so I can play with these art supplies but not those art supplies’ are very difficult for most kids that age to understand.
This was unfortunate, but a very age-appropriate incident.
Sure, this is a great time to teach your daughter not to mess with other people’s things without asking. It’s also a great time for that woman to learn that if you have something valuable you need to protect it.
I do feel bad for the other mom, but I think she needs to take responsibility for her own failure to protect her work.” Alektho
Another User Comments:
“Final Verdict: everyone sucks here
There’s a lot to unpack here.
Was the door closed/locked?
It’s one thing for it to be closed and another for it to be locked. I won’t lie, the last thing I’d worry about is locking a door unless there’s something dangerous in a room.
Kids are usually taught to stay put when an adult needs to leave the room for a few minutes. That and closed doors are closed for a reason.
Then the next thing is the damage.
Did her child help? Where was the other child?
Who knows, but if it really was only your child, then yikes. Some people on here say that Lina may have been gone for a while if there was that much damage done, but they seem to forget how destructive a child can be on their own.
5-year-olds can be really destructive, with or without help. So I wouldn’t be surprised by so much damage done in so little time.
Was there any other adult at Lina’s house?
If not, then there’s only so much one person can handle.
And when watching 3 kids, things are gonna slip your mind. You aren’t going to be focused on locking every door to any room you don’t want the kids in while watching them at the same time.
Art takes time and resources. The art destroyed could have taken months of work. Lina relies on her art to make an income. Those pieces were for work and the supplies for it aren’t cheap.
So I’m not surprised she’s asking for that big amount. From what’s mentioned, you didn’t even offer to work out a payment plan.
Is Lina at fault? Yes, but so are you.
You brought the aggression on yourself by ignoring them and refusing to even try to compromise with them. Is the harassment necessary? No, that’s where Lina screwed up.
As I stated before, there’s only so much that Lina can do on her own.
For all we know, Lina was the only adult at home. What if she needs to go to the bathroom? Do you expect her to hold it for however long she’s watching the kids? If it was just Lina, then there are times when she’ll have to leave for a few minutes.
That being said, everyone sucks here. Lina screwed up, but you did too. Instead of trying to compromise with her, you’ve decided to ignore her and refused to pay anything. You added fuel to the fire.
I may not agree with the harassment, but I fully understand Lina’s anger. I also understand that Emma is 5, but most 5-year-olds know better.” BadWidowmakerMain
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for several reasons.
Firstly, you entrusted Lina to watch your kid. Five years old isn’t old enough for proper impulse control, especially around fascinating items probably not seen at home that she wasn’t explicitly told to leave alone.
Lina was the acting adult in the house, not you. As a parent and someone who just has a bit of common sense, you don’t offer to babysit someone and then leave your valuable stuff accessible.
Yes, my 2yo knows not to touch Daddy’s expensive speakers, but the other 2-10yos I watch don’t. So I don’t leave them unattended.
Secondly, how can Lina be sure your daughter was the only one that damaged the paintings and supplies? Just because she was the only one left in there doesn’t necessarily imply sole responsibility.
If your kid was left long enough to do that amount of damage, then reasonably any other child could have ventured in and out of there as well. Unless she has a camera and/or some definitive proof it was only your daughter, she doesn’t really have an argument to charge you for everything.
Thirdly, it’s horribly distasteful and tacky to bring your family into financial squabbles. Why does Lina need a posse to meet with you? If it’s true that serious, she should get a lawyer, not her relatives.
That’s harassment, pure and simple.
Lastly–and I can’t believe the number of people that just completely refuse to mention or think of this very important point when giving a verdict–paint and painting supplies can be TOXIC.
There’s a reason even some child’s art supplies is 6+. To leave children unattended long enough with an easy enough accessible room (being that a 5yo can get on there and assuming Lina didn’t take the time to clearly explain it was off-limits) full of toxic materials is very negligent.
I would be more horrified if I were Lina than you.
I would get together with her, explain that while you are willing to come to some sort of agreement (because, yes, you are a responsible adult and should still take ownership of your daughter’s mistake and show your daughter that you need to have personal accountability), but that Lina should also not be watching other’s children anymore and make a decision to not use her family to harass you.” User
10. AITJ For Not Agreeing To Have My Non-Hispanic Children Call My Irish Mother-In-Law Abuela?
“My wife and I have two young children below the age of two, and when the first one was born we decided to let all of the grandparents pick what they wanted to be called.
We assumed that they would all pick something like pops, nanny, or meemaw. All of them pretty much lived up to this expectation besides my MIL. She is insisting on being called Abbi or Abuela.
I could understand this if she, her husband, my wife, or ANYONE in the family had any Hispanic heritage, but we are all super white. My wife’s family is third-generation Irish and they still take trips back to Ireland to see their cousins.
And I’m from deep enough in the South East that my family doesn’t even understand what Abuela means.
We have been living very far away from both of our families for the past few years, but we are moving back to where my wife’s family is from in the coming months and this is going to become more of a problem.
So, before I plant my flag on this hill I wanted to know, AITJ?
EDIT: She does not speak any Spanish and has made no effort to learn. This has nothing to do with Encanto although we (myself, my wife, and my kids) love the movie.
We have told her we are not comfortable with having our kids calling her that and she does not care. We asked her why this was important to her, and she claims it’s because ‘Abbi’ makes her feel young so she’s going to be Abuela.
Her actual name is nothing like ‘Abbi’ so every time she says it she gets asked why Abbi.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Your mother-in-law’s request to be called Abuela is unusual.
However, I don’t see what harm it will cause your children. If she gets backlash from friends and family she’ll have to deal with it.” Slugdirt
Another User Comments:
“Your kids should call her Princess Consuela Bananahammock…
But seriously, NTJ. You should talk to her and specify that she should pick an English word for grandmother. If your kids would call her Abuela, you’d have to explain all the time that none of you is Hispanic.” Emilie_Taylor
9. WIBTJ For Giving My Husband An Ultimatum For Refusing To Help With College Costs?
“I married my husband seven years ago after being together for three years. We both brought one child into the relationship. My son and his daughter. They are both 17 and focusing on college for next year which is where our problem is coming from.
My son focused on school activities such as soccer and baseball and did average in school while my stepdaughter didn’t get involved in after-school activities and started working at 15, but she did better than average in school.
My husband and I both work and we have since the meeting. He makes considerably more than me, but also contributes more to our living expenses. My husband had a deal with the kids that he would match any coins they put into savings, so if they put in 50 dollars, he would put in 50 dollars.
My son didn’t work as he had after-school clubs, so I saved for him separately and that seemed ok, but I wasn’t able to save a large amount. I recently found out that my stepdaughter’s grandparents (both sets) have also been depositing funds, so she has upward of 40,000 while my son has 5,000.
They aren’t related to my son so it was just something I had to deal with, but now my husband and I have found out that her grandparents want to pay for her college education and living expenses so she can stop working to enjoy her college years and focus on her studies.
My husband was over the moon and plans to put a down payment on a townhome for her while the grandparents pay the mortgage.
At that point, I was pretty upset. I told my husband that my stepdaughter had enough advantages and he should help out my son.
He’s known him for ten years now and looks at him as a role model. My husband said that his bio dad was still active in his life and he is responsible, along with me, for my son’s education.
He added that I should make my son focus on his studies more because he hasn’t received a scholarship offer or anything.
My son is depressed and has brought up the military as a means to pay for his education.
My brother went to Iraq and isn’t the same. My dad was in a desert storm and his vision is as bad as his drinking… I really don’t want my son to enter the military.
The thought scares me, to be honest.
I’m ready to give my husband an ultimatum regarding our relationship and him helping my son. Is that wrong of me? Would I be the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It sounds like you are just angry that her grandparents are paying for her education. That $40,000 she is using for the down payment is coming out of what she earned.
And yes, even though her dad contributed to it, she earned it. She took his deal that he would match whatever she saved, and smartly saved her coins instead of spending it.
Some of that amount was also contributed by her maternal grandparents. They do not owe you or your son anything. He isn’t buying her a townhouse, he is using the funds she earned and was gifted to her by family to make the down payment.
Her grandparents are covering the monthly mortgage.
This girl worked hard, and you basically want to teach her that hard work means nothing, and someone who didn’t work hard would get the same thing.
You had the last 2 years to point out to your son that he should be making plans for university. You knew this was coming. You knew your husband made the deal to match-saving, and that your stepdaughter would have significantly more than him since he didn’t work.
Your stepdaughter chose to be responsible and plan for her future. She isn’t being rewarded. She worked hard for this. Now she gets a couple of years to have fun. Your son chose to have fun in high school, and now he has to work harder.
So, technically, they both get the opportunity to enjoy their life.
Your son chose to do it in high school. Your stepdaughter chose to work hard during high school so she wouldn’t have to work as hard during college.
This isn’t even his fault. It was your job to explain to him the options, and the consequences of those options. Tell him to take a year off to work and save, and take some prep courses to get his grades up.
Make a deal with your husband. If your son takes an extra year, takes prep courses and gets decent grades, and works and saves money, you will both match what he saved by 25% each.
( yes, why should he match 100% when you didn’t contribute anything to your stepdaughter’s college fund ).
So, if the son saves $100 you put in $50 and he puts in $50.
You already know your son is not a great student and was not capable of working while going to school. If your husband pays for his college now, your son will end up dropping out and all that will be lost.
He is not ready. College is harder than high school, and he will need to work while going to college. He needs to learn how to handle that before he goes to college.
Also, if you expect your husband to take that $40,000, and take it away from his daughter and give it to your son, you are the worst jerk. You are saying that she has to work to pay to put your son thru college.” MarsEcho
Another User Comments:
“No, you would be NTJ.
This whole plan that your husband came up with to ‘match’ what the kids had saved is nonsense. If your son chose to work on extra-curricular after school instead of working – this already puts him at a disadvantage to his step-sister.
A better plan would have been to put so much into your son’s account for each hour he spent on extra-curricular since he doesn’t have a job while matching dollar-for-dollar with the child who does have a job.
If you let this happen – let your husband use this plan to severely and greatly favor his daughter over your son – it is going to cause HUGE problems down the road.
One of my brothers-in-law doesn’t even speak to his mother anymore because she went with step-dad’s plan, which favored her step-kids over her biological children. It will also cause problems between the kids themselves – the same brother-in-law who doesn’t speak to mom also refuses to speak to my husband (his brother) because he feels their mother favored my husband growing up.
These are both your children. They are two different people. Your husband coming up with a plan that suits his bio child while hurting his step-child is messed up. He’s literally planning to take care of EVERYTHING for his daughter and NOTHING for your son.
So… it seems like he doesn’t give a darn about your son or your bio family’s predicament.
If he doesn’t agree to some sort of compromise so that he’s ACTUALLY HELPING your son, he’s a trashy step-dad and there’s no reason to stick around, not unless you want your child resenting you and/or your partner for the rest of his life.” fieria_tetra
Another User Comments:
“From an equity lens, your stepdaughter is getting a huge leg up in life against the majority of the world.
I want to acknowledge that she worked and contributed to savings that dad matched giving her a $40k safety net. Her grandparents are now paying for her entire education AND her living expenses and her father is buying her property.
I hope your husband talks to his daughter about how blessed and fortunate she is. I hope my stepdaughter understands that the majority of people, her stepbrother included, will never have these opportunities.
She is experiencing a huge amount of financial privilege that is going to make it easier for her to complete college without debt, enjoy her college experience, and enter the workforce.
I hope she understands that she is not somehow magically smarter or fiscally savvy. She got a genetic lottery to be the daughter of someone who could afford to match her savings and to be the granddaughter of financially secure grandparents.
That’s luck, not skill.
That being said: you don’t get to demand that your husband pays for our son just because his daughter got lucky. That was not the agreement you 2 had and you turning around trying to change the terms of the agreement (he would contribute a match to whatever existed in savings) is entitled and inappropriate.
Your son chose not to focus on his studies and chose not to get a part-time job. Your son chose to wait until the last second to think about the practical reality of paying for college.
While I agree he should not join the military (the idea that you should be willing to die to get an education is disgustingly offensive), he still made his own life choices.
You and your son don’t get to be angry with your stepdaughter or your husband just because she worked hard at school and saved. Yes, you’re allowed to be disappointed. You’re allowed to be sad to know your son will have a very different path.
But you do not get to demand your husband pay for his education.
Tell your son to start looking at community colleges and local 4-years that he can live at home for to save funds.
Tell him to get a job to start saving. Have him look at trade programs. Things like electricians, plumbers, carpenters, mechanics — those are all well-paid, high-in-demand fields that might be a better fit for him if he’s not academically inclined but is hands-on.
Tell him to consider a gap year to work full time, not pay bills while he lives at home, and save funds.
If he is seriously set on the military route tell him to consider 2 things first: (1) Think about the military RESERVES (similar benefits but not as explicitly dangerous).
(2) Have him look at joining his school’s ROTC program. This way if he does choose the military, he could wait to deploy until after college and go in at a higher rank which may keep him out of infantry.
Ultimately this is your son and your responsibility. YWBTJ end of story.” Idkhowtouse_reddit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you will be if you push this. A few takeaways,
Your son prioritized his extracurricular activities over academics.
This did not help him.
He also prioritized these same activities over trying to earn some, this also did not help and led to my next point.
He did not save anything, you did.
The point of your husband matching savings put in by the kids was to get them involved in their own future. You getting involved instead of making your son do it himself was a disservice to your son and a lie to your husband.
This is not your husband’s problem, It’s yours. You’ve already made mistakes that have been enabling it before it even had a name.
Never give an ultimatum. This is a quick step to running a relationship.
Get your son some counseling to get a clear view of where his head is. See if your husband is willing to help with his school plans and be open to doing everything on his terms.
Lastly, apologize for your attitude. I know this is your son but there is much more at stake here. Your husband has been doing the lion’s share by your own admission, pushing for even more devalues what he has already done.” Anonymous4mysake
8. AITJ For Removing Myself From A Neighborhood Group Chat And Asking "Why"?
“My (23M) sons and I just moved to a new neighborhood that caters to young couples/new families (while my sons are 8 and 4, I found it hard to fit in with the people in my old neighborhood as they were 15+ years older and super religious so thought this new neighborhood would be a better fit).
A couple of days ago, I met a fellow neighbor while my sons and I were waking our dog. He told me that the neighborhood has a social media group page and he added me to it.
Later that day I curiously scrolled through the page. The page was plagued with posts from the guy who added me (who was the admin of the page) and his fiancé.
There were at least five posts a day from them each and they treated the page like it was their own social media feed. Because of this I removed myself from the group and didn’t think much about it.
The next day I saw the neighbor again. Right off the bat, he mentioned that I didn’t seem to get added to the group page and he was going to try and re-add.
Now I’m well aware that I could have played dumb and let him re-add me but, I could tell that if I did that and then un-added myself again, he was just going to keep bringing it up.
So, to avoid all that I was honest upfront and told him that I had removed myself from the page. He asked why and mentioned that the page was meant for neighbors to stay connected and share any updates or concerns.
I said ‘you’re right. That does seem to be what the page is MEANT to be for. But, there were just too many irrelevant posts on there for my liking, so I removed myself to avoid Unnecessary clutter on my feed.’
The guy looked very offended and say ‘excuse me.’ To avoid any further conflict I said, ‘Well we better get going.
Have a nice day.’
Based on his reaction, I now wonder if I was too rude. AITJ for leaving the group and being honest about why?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Seems like your neighbor was trying to welcome you to the neighborhood, and obviously didn’t realize you intentionally left the group so quickly.
While I think it’s annoying that he’s decided to monopolize the community page, I don’t think it rises to the level of being the jerk. You clearly weren’t interested in all the irrelevant posts, so you had every right to leave the group.
That said, how you chose to tell him was a little brusque. Just turning off notifications for the group or unfollowing would probably have achieved the same result without making waves.
I just think that when you’re trying to fit into a new neighborhood or group, sometimes erring on the side of politeness is the way to go.” Oaklandish67
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you were incredibly tactless for someone that has expressed interest in finding a neighborhood where you fit in.
There’s just no need to tell someone you just met that you don’t like their social media page if you’re trying to make friends (unless they’re posting something racist, etc.). You could just scroll past anything you’re not interested in seeing.
In general, social media skews towards mundane status updates of people’s lives, so it’s not like his posts were that out of the ordinary.
I saw you’ve been bragging a bunch about how popular you were in high school and college and also that you were incredibly unreceptive to feedback from people who have posted here.
You’re not going to be doing yourself or your children any favors with this type of attitude. You might end up meeting kids that get along really well with your kids but have parents that you’re not fond of – you have to play nice.” marigoldfroggy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you didn’t outright blame him for the issues and tried to be polite.
You were honest without being unnecessarily cruel. If he takes offense then he’s being a bit of a jerk and taking it personally because he knows he’s just fishing for attention on the page.
If he adds you again, you can just unfollow the page and still be a member but not see anything from it, if I recall correctly. Haven’t been on social media for a while so I can’t confirm that.
I gave up when it stopped allowing me to fine-tune my notifications.” Vir4lPl47ypu5
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here: I can’t stand people that just take over community pages – the ones who post completely irrelevant things, overshare, or just have one narrow agenda they want to push.
The only thing worse is the people who push MLMs over these. So yeah, he should expect that if he’s oversharing he’s not going to get much engagement with his page.
That said – a neighbor reached out to you to give you a way to be in touch. Within a day you unsubscribed to the group, and then told him his contributions are ‘unnecessary clutter.’ This is like telling a person at a party they talk too much.
Of course, you offended him, and are an ass. It’s super easy to just mute a channel on social media and then check-in at your leisure. You’d still be in touch, he would never know, and your feed wouldn’t be cluttered.
Or, as you pointed out, you could have just let him re-add you, and you could have dropped out a few weeks later when it would have been less obvious.” freecain
7. AITJ For Not Creating A Trust Fund For My Step Kids?
“My ex-wife (42F) and I (46M) are on great terms and throughout/after our marriage, we have been creating a trust fund for our boys (19&16) and they can do what they want with it when they’re 24.
I have my company that has skyrocketed since I started it 25+ years ago due to the need for it in the technological world and it has branched throughout the US, so our boys and my ex-wife have been very well off and they’ll all be taken care of if I pass since I don’t plan on changing my will yet (everything goes to them).
Our sons are very much interested in taking over the company and they’re both working part-time in the lower jobs to be able to get a feel for the company. The oldest is currently getting his degree while my youngest is working hard in private school.
Now my fiancé (45F) also has 2 boys from her last marriage (20&18) and she has never been on good terms with her ex. She was only married to him for about 4 years and then became a single mother working various jobs and her boys usually stayed with her mom.
We got engaged about 3 years ago and 2020 came and pushed the wedding back. Well, her oldest has been having some disagreements with the law and dropped out of community college and is currently working part-time at a store.
And her youngest has been really struggling with school since 2020 and seems to really like “smoking stuff.”
My oldest son has recently been staying at our guesthouse for the last 3 days and has been telling great stories of his Uni and how much he enjoys his classes/experience and he can’t wait to start working side by side with me.
After he went to bed for the night my fiancé pulled me aside and asked if I could create a fund for her boys like I have for mine. I told her no, that I posted bail for her oldest and he doesn’t seem to have a plan for his life, and her youngest said he was never going to college b/c he hates school and that he’s going to be a marine.
She got upset by saying that she wasn’t able to provide for them as I have for my boys and they were given different tools for success and it wasn’t fair.
That they’ll be my stepsons and I need to step up to the plate. I told her that they’re adults now and they’re more than welcome to get a job at my company and we can go from there but she got even more upset and told me I was a jerk for not taking care of them and hasn’t talked to me since.
So, AITJ?
Edit: I don’t plan on changing my will until I’m married then I’ll add my fiancé. She has also signed a prenup too. Yes, prenup and will are both ironclad/bulletproof.
They have been reviewed countless times by 3 different attorneys, multiple paralegals, and other workers too. Also, I met her sons for the first time when we were together for 8 months and that was a very quick meet and greet lunch.
Her kids lived with their grandma throughout the rest of our relationship and even during our engagement. I’ve only met them a few other times that I could spare because I was very busy then with work and my own sons’ lives and then the health crisis hit and things just got worse, so maybe seeing them 6 times total, and those were usually just a quick hello or a dinner here and there.
I had no part in raising them, just helping on bail because their mom couldn’t afford it and the tuition. Her youngest son living with us is the most time I’ve ever seen him, and it’s barely been a year at most.
Her oldest lived with us for a month or two before she kicked him out.
Edit 2: so my fiance (now life partner) and I have had a discussion and we are going to couples counseling now, and I have made the choice that we are not getting married anymore, we will be life partners but nothing legally binding, she was very upset as she really wanted to be married but she respected my decision.
Also, we have also agreed that her sons’ welfare is her own personal responsibility and I will split the costs with her on half of whatever she wants to help them with financially (She has her own job and doesn’t want to leave it).
But if they want to work for the company then that is a different discussion with both parties.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Be very careful here. You can wish her kids well, but it’s between her and her ex and the kids, that they have a little motivation and initiative.
This is a great big huge waving red flag that your fiancé, instead of being happy that you have worked so hard and accomplished so much and get along with your ex and your kids have lots of initiative and they are getting trust funds… and sad that her own path was so different and she’s not getting along with her ex and her kids don’t have initiative…instead of being aware and taking responsibility for her own life and supporting her sons taking responsibility for their own choices and their own outcomes, she is jumping up and down and thinking that you should turn around and enable, repeat, enable her sons.
I can bet you dollars for donuts that she thinks that if she doesn’t talk to you and she withholds your usual closeness, you will break down and do all these things for her kids.
That right there is another problem, that will repeat if it’s one of her tendencies, so be careful. The adult thing to do, and you already know this, is for her to express how happy she is for you and your ex and your kids and how sad she is for her own kids and wonder what she could do to help her kids and address the problem.
The problem is, her kids didn’t grow up the way yours did. You can bet 100% that if they ever worked for you it would be a big messy boundary and it wouldn’t go well.
They wouldn’t work hard. They wouldn’t appreciate the job. Their supervisors would be conflicted because they are your stepson‘s. It would never work. It never does.
You can also be guaranteed that when she tells them about your kids getting a trust fund, they’re gonna hate your guts and resent you for not enabling them.
Not even understanding that if your kids had no initiative and messed around this wouldn’t be happening the same way for them either, would it? If her kids had a lot of initiative and bad luck and they were trying so hard and they were focused, then maybe you both could talk to them about helping out with some kind of training or education.
But she’s not even asking if you can help with that, or advisor, and then her taking responsibility for going and talking to her kids and helping them focus on their future.
She wants you to hand them things even though they’re not your kids. It just doesn’t work that way and it never works out. Be careful here. This is a very messed-up boundary she has.
And the fact that she’s indignant and entitled about it is an even bigger concern.” mcclgwe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Are you sure you want to marry this lady, because you already paid her son’s bail and she wants you to give her adult children your assets, property, business, etc.
for when you pass and you guys aren’t even married yet.
You don’t need to ‘step to the plate’ to take care of grown men who have made their life choices, especially when you have 2 sons, one of them being a minor and the other just becoming an adult and going to college.
Sure they had different upbringings in life but that’s not an excuse to use. Being a single parent is hard, but it sounds like she had help since her mother watched her kids when she worked.
Was she not paying attention to them or something to see that one of them was struggling in online classes due to the health crisis, not to mention, he might be a pothead which is a terrible combination when you’re already struggling with school.
She keeps trying to pass off the responsibility of her kids onto other people. Don’t change your will nor set up a trust fund for men, one of which who has and continues to get into trouble with the law and you posted bail for and the other who wants to become a marine but hates school, likes smoking stuff too much and probably doesn’t realize that he has to study for the ASVAB (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery), which covers a variety of topics to test the applicants’ mindset.
Any decision you make going forward with your fiancé and her adult children in your life, make sure it’s something that YOU are comfortable with and take YOUR kids into consideration when you do, not hers.
If they ask for help it’s cool to assist but don’t let them guilt you by talking about their upbringing, because you can’t fix ‘what was’, only ‘what will’.” Careful-Listen2277
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but…
I’m going to be devil’s advocate and say that you’ve got to look at both sides.
(She may or may not be a gold digger. That’s not the issue, IMO. People throwing that around are missing part of the picture.
)
Please try to look at her view. You and your ex get along and were lucky enough to be able to set your kids up for a great future with a private school, college, and a pre-made business.
She had a crappy ex and tried as a single mom to raise her kids. I’m assuming she did her best, but without knowing all the info, I’m assuming they didn’t get the same upbringing as your children.
Possibilities are a mom working a lot, no after-school sports or tutoring, and public school instead of private. You said they were watched by grandma. They had fewer opportunities than your kids and made bad decisions.
You’ve chosen to be engaged to their mom. That means that they will be in your life. You wouldn’t be with her if you didn’t care about her. You don’t have to set up trust funds or give them your business alongside your sons, but at least realize how much it probably hurts your fiance to see her future step kids with their entire future shining brightly ahead of them while she wasn’t able to do that and struggled.
Now her kids are, too.
If you haven’t, you could offer to help them. Find out why the one son is struggling in college. Why is he getting in trouble with the law? Is it due to stupid choices or is he just a bad kid? You’ve been with her for 3 years so you should be able to dig deeper and figure it out.
The younger one you called a ‘smoker.” That’s not really a huge issue unless he’s trashed dawn to dusk. A lot of kids that age grow out of it. If so, he needs help, not judgments.
I feel this is more of a mom who just wants her kids to be on a more equal footing with yours.
If you and her can, help her kids. Your future stepsons may be able to carve out a better future.
They may have given up after 3 years of seeing your son’s ‘easy’ path compared to them riding the struggle bus with mom from a very early age.
She may not have been able to communicate what she meant fully.
I am your wife’s age. I had a very bad marriage and it has taken me a long time to recover financially from what my ex caused. My sister’s son is my daughter’s age.
He has been privately schooled, tutored, multiple vacations per year, etc. He has two very involved, and loving parents. Meanwhile, I’m working full time and going to college to try and be able to provide better for my child.
She has to get up and go to work with me at 5 am. We get home at 6. She has no free time. She’s not even in middle school and is just now noticing the differences between them.
She’s very sweet and doesn’t complain but I know she wishes she had the same things he has. She also has to work twice as hard as he does at school.
She’s very bright but has ADHD and anxiety. I hurt her and wish I could give her the same things. I’m only sharing this about myself because I hope that you’ll understand how much she probably hurts seeing how much you were able to do for your kids.
She might feel as if her choices have led to their bad decisions and failures and her way of fixing it was to ask you for help, but she may have worded it badly.
You need to ignore all the people screaming gold digger or telling you not to help the children. You need to talk to your fiance and try to sort this out before it becomes a problem.
I want this to work out well for both of you and all four of the children. Good luck.” bunnycat77
6. AITJ For Telling My Husband To Grow A Pair?
“My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married for 11. He has always had a pretty low pain tolerance though he won’t admit it (once he accidentally kneeled on one of our toddler’s hot wheels cars and it put him out of commission for the entire day although nothing was broken or even bruised).
I’ve become alarmed many times at his overreactive response to things like stubbing his toe or hitting his funny bone on something, he will literally moan and whine and shout out in pain over the most minor stuff.
I always thought of it as a quirk of his, not too major to actually have a conversation about, until yesterday. I have what my doctors believe is Crohn’s disease, and I’ve been in the thick of a nasty flare-up for the last few days.
For those of you unfamiliar, it’s an inflammatory bowel disease and causes diarrhea, vomiting, etc. I was trying to take a nap for some relief and had just gotten to sleep when I hear an actual scream from downstairs.
I jump out of bed and find my husband clutching his hand. I asked what happened and he told me he pinched his finger in the baby gate. I looked at it and it wasn’t even red, no broken skin.
I told him he woke me up with his scream and probably also woke up our son, and he said he couldn’t help it, it just hurt so bad. I said ‘you know what else hurts? Pouring my brains out all morning and not being able to take a nap because you’re being so loud over a minor mishap’.
He got really offended and said that I wouldn’t like it if I pinched my finger either and I said no I sure wouldn’t but I also wouldn’t scream my head off, I didn’t even do that when I was giving birth to a 9-lb baby unmedicated.
He said well your body was made to do that, I’m not made to get my finger stuck in a baby gate. This is when I rolled my eyes, told him to grow a pair, and went back upstairs to try and rest.
Yes, I said it out of anger, but my husband is acting like I emasculated him horribly and insulted him to his very core and is barely speaking to me. I’m not in any hurry to apologize especially since he didn’t for waking me up when I’m dealing (pretty silently) with objectively more pain than he was.
ETA: I can pretty definitively say that he doesn’t have an underlying medical condition. He has to get medical checkups for work regularly. I honestly agree with most of the comments stating he just wants attention; the overreactions ramp up when I’m having a flare or when we’re at a big family gathering or something.”
Another User Comments:
“Pain is subjective, and every human being has a different tolerance for pain as well as coping mechanisms for different types of painful stimuli.
It doesn’t matter how YOU perceive his pain, it’s how HE perceives it. There are many different reasons why someone perceives pain differently. From nervous system development, neurotransmitters, to cultural and social upbringings, there are many causes for people to react and behave differently in times of acute pain or stress.
Science has also proven that yelling, cussing, etc actually helps people cope with acute pain. Source: I work in healthcare. I can understand that’s it’s frustrating that your husband is a pansy.
(Lol) But you are totally right, that is just an interesting quirk. All that said, no jerks here. He didn’t purposely wake you up. You are definitely allowed to be annoyed he woke you up.
I hope you guys make up soon. Good luck with your Crohns!” bryant100594
Another User Comments:
“I guess I’m in the minority here but I’ll say YTJ and accept the possible downvotes.
Men should be allowed to feel pain without being shamed for it.
My dynamic with my husband is the opposite; he’s utterly stoic in the face of pain, I will involuntarily cry out.
Which seems, on the whole, pretty acceptable to people.
I didn’t scream in childbirth either.
It was terrible, over 20 hours long, and my epidural was misplaced so that it just added back pain on top of labor pains. But in my experience, it was better to try and preserve my breath.
Because I still yell when I get pinched in something, or hit my hip on something, or bruise my shin.
My husband had his appendix burst and wouldn’t go to the ER until I convinced him, which is another stereotype.
Someone tells me, how are men such babies that need to be coddled whenever they’re hurt while SIMULTANEOUSLY never seeing the doctor?
Frankly, I see this as misogyny and misandry both. The phrase implies that women are inherently weaker in the face of pain (when that’s a very individual thing) and that men aren’t men if they ever feel pain (physical or emotional).
Was the dude ignorant when he said women are built for childbirth? 1000%, but I think ignorance is more forgivable than malice. OP said this to hurt her husband’s feelings, he said that defensively.
People accused him of doing this for attention — are you serious right now? This whole thread is gross and OP is a jerk.” BananaInZeroG
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I think that the monthly pain of periods mixed with socialization to put other’s feelings before your own means that women often minimize our pain while men feel like they need everyone to know when they hurt because they’re unaccustomed to it.
When my partner and I get sick with the same illness, it barely stops me while it seems to incapacitate him for days. I don’t think it’s because I’m somehow less sick, but that I recognize that the world cannot stop just because I’m feeling unwell.
This has been an issue with MANY of my past relationships.
On the other side of this, I feel like men are often not raised with the same level of affection and care that women get.
For some men, getting hurt or sick is the only time they get to feel held and cared for in the way that women are. My partner loves to cuddle and be held but for a long time, he didn’t know how to ask for that.
He would get cranky at me for doing other things and I would get frustrated. Finally, I asked ‘do you need love and attention right now?’ and he said yes. Now, when he’s feeling like he needs attention, he’ll just say, ‘I want attention’ and I’ll take a break and hang out with him and hold him or kiss him.
If your husband feels like he needs attention, he needs to learn how to ask for it in a way that doesn’t harm you or makes your life more difficult. What he did was selfish, but he may not be able to articulate why he over-reacted or what he really needs, which he needs to learn how to do.” sundresscomic
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – yeah, sounds like your husband does have a pretty low pain tolerance and could probably control his reactions a little bit better, especially since you have a son (who I assume is pretty young).
The part that gets me is being out of commission for an entire day for minor mishaps. That’s a little dramatic.
However, you had a bit of an overreaction. Sucks you are going through a flare-up and were trying to take a nap, but you didn’t need to berate him for his reaction.
You could have just quickly asked if he was alright and then proceeded to go and take a nap, especially since you are well aware of his low pain tolerance. You could have also used that as a reminder you were going to grab a nap because you weren’t feeling well.
Learn to communicate a little bit better and don’t wait till things reach a minor boiling point to share how you feel. When you attack all of a sudden, people’s natural reaction is to get defensive, especially when they don’t feel they did anything wrong at the moment.” dookle14
5. AITJ For Buying My 14-Year-Old A Drink?
“I’m a 45M and I have a 14y/o daughter (E) and a 10 y/o son (H). I live in the UK and recently married an American woman (40F) who has 4y/o twins who moved here 2 years ago.
I and my ex-wife split up about 3 years ago but we’re on really good terms and I consider her one of my closest friends. My wife moved in with me just before the wedding, 3-4 months ago.
She was living quite close and we basically lived together anyway but due to work and both of us having kids, it was just a bit of a wing-it situation each week.
Perhaps it’s my upbringing and culture (think fairly middle class, a small town in the South) but we all drink a fair amount, my friends, family, everyone I know and I don’t think it’s any more than your average Brit.
My wife isn’t a huge drinker compared to us and says she drinks about as much as a ‘normal American’ so she had a bit of a culture shock when she moved here.
It’s relatively normal for H to have half a pint of hops or a small glass of sweet grapes or perhaps a small glass of champagne during big occasions. Pretty similar to me and my friends as a kid and again, similar to my kids the same age in my family/friends circles.
E has reached an age now where most of her friends are drinking, she’ll have a few ciders/light drinks on the weekend at home and normally have a glass or two at a restaurant or a pub.
There have been big functions like birthdays, Christmas, etc where she’ll be a little tipsy off like 5-6 ciders with her friends/cousins. So far it’s always been family/friends events so we’re there to make sure nothing gets out of hand.
Her school friends don’t have the ‘drinking in a park’ approach like most young teens in the UK do (or used to until recently?) and it’s a lot safer with less spirit than when we were her age.
They’ll have a few drinks at a friend’s house where parents are there or a large party every month. Parties are the only time she’s properly drinking. I’ve bought drinks to have with her friends.
I and my ex-wife always make sure she’s safe, WE are her parents and completely in agreement over raising both kids on this issue.
However, my wife has become really freaked out about it and says it’s really dangerous, weird and she feels really uncomfortable and makes me feel like a terrible parent when this is the norm for me and seems a lot safer than the American approach.
I’ve tried telling my wife that there are other countries/cultures with lower rates of heavy drinking where we’d be seen as strict. She’s said she feels it’s unsafe around her kids but I’ve said I won’t ever overstep those boundaries and won’t give them any booze unless she agrees and at 14 they have no idea about drinking and how old you have to be to have it, we can just say ‘you’re allowed when you’re older’ but so far they haven’t asked/shown they understand it.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. This is just a cultural disagreement and I have to say, both our cultures are horrible about booze. As an American, I can tell you that your new wife (and many of the people speaking here) are delusional if she thinks that the American approach to teenage drinking is safe and healthy.
I remember being an American teen. I grew up quite comfortably and I (and basically everyone I knew in my upper-middle-class West Coast suburb) was bribing vagrants to buy us cheap booze at 14-15.
Having your first experience with booze being drinking quickly and secretly isn’t really fostering a healthy relationship towards booze. Also, making it harder for kids to get booze makes some of them turn to illegal substances.
That said, as an American who has walked through London when the bars are closing down, what is wrong with all of you!? I sort of like England in general, but drinking should be to do have fun not to go completely blotto and puke all over yourself.
Obviously, you can’t hold up Britain as a paragon of moderation
Basically, I don’t think either country’s approach to drinking works at all. In terms of your wife, she doesn’t have any business interfering with your relationship with your daughter, and American booze education isn’t worth trying to enforce.” BlueKnight72
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and also an incredibly irresponsible and ignorant sounding parent like what?! I imagine this type of behavior in the lower working class of Brits, known for drinking loads and drinking culture.
Know that 1. You’re teaching your kid that you need to drink to have a good time and her brain will become wired to this. So when she’s at an age where she should just be able to have fun, she needs to drink to have fun and that message will soon become entrenched in her brain and mess with her neurochemistry in an irreversible way.
2. You’re basically giving your 14yr old brain damage as well as molding it to become addicted to drinking.
This is the most worrying part. A teenage brain is in development. If you start behaviors that are known to be addictive in a young developing brain you are basically guaranteeing your child to become a heavy drinker.
Especially at the rate, she’s consuming it. You are not merely letting them have a sip or glass as a treat but providing it regularly and you are going to end up with a brain-damaged adult whether it be in cognitive deficits, mental health issues, addictions, probably liver problems and god knows what else.
I can’t believe that a full-grown adult could be so ignorant of what is just common sense and common knowledge.
‘E has reached an age now where most of her friends are drinking, she’ll have a few ciders/light drinks on the weekend at home and normally have a glass or two of wine at a restaurant or a pub.
There have been big functions like birthdays, Christmas, etc where she’ll be a little wasted off like 5-6 ciders with her friends/cousins. Parties are the only time she’s properly consumed strong booze (1 drink/2 shot in front of me at most).
I’ve bought her cider, wine, 20% Malibu, etc. to have with her friends.’
We are a pretty liberal country but here you’d be charged with providing underage minors with booze. It’s illegal for a reason, not socially accepted, and plain stupid.
You need to do some light reading and inform yourself of the effects and damage of drinking on children.” emdillem
Another User Comments:
“Straight up NTJ. 1. You raise your child how you see fit I know everyone I know started drinking around that age (I started younger) but they didn’t have parents who gave a darn so we would drink in the park or steal booze to go drink.
A few mates have been hospitalized and a few arrested whilst we were that age. 2. So long as You take responsibility for anything that happens which it appears you do then what does it matter to anyone else.
3. If you didn’t let her then she would do as I did and lie to go get wasted with her friends’ things like ‘oh Sarah, her sister has just got a new place so we’re going to stay with her for the night to eat takeaway and have a sleepover don’t worry though she is totally against drinking’ she then goes and drinks in an empty house after stealing 4 bottles of baileys, a bottle of white wine and a single out of date Mojito, you don’t know where she is she’s steaming wasted.
You clearly care you clearly know where her limits are so fully NTJ you are her parent and you give her an inch of freedom and she doesn’t take a mile sounds like you have a good kid who has been raised right. Also no problem with a glass of Champers at 10 it’s like half bubbles anyway.” Cantthinkofaname19
4. AITJ For Holding It Against My Dad For Not Taking Me On A Vacation When I Was 18?
“When I was 13, I had to go to my grandma’s funeral in another state with my mom. A few months after I got back, I found out that my dad, my stepmom, and my stepsiblings had gone on vacation to a place I always wanted to go to.
They went in the same week I went to get my grandma’s funeral.
The only reason I found out was because my stepsister accidentally started reminiscing about the trip and stopped herself too late.
I felt like a total fool. My dad apologized profusely and said the timing only worked for that week and they didn’t want me to feel worse. But I never accepted his apology.
I was already feeling replaced for a while at that point.
Since that day, my behavior at my dad’s house did a 180. I used to be a well-behaved kid. But I decided I was going to make him ‘pay’.
So I was a total jerk. My dad ended up paying double the child support because I refused to stay nights. I wrecked a lot of their house in secret. It was literally constant fighting in their house when I was around.
I did some pretty awful things.
A few years later, my dad ‘surprised’ me with a trip to the same place they had gone to without me. I guess he hoped it would fix things.
But at this point, I was almost 17 and not interested in the slightest. He ended up canceling everything.
I said some really terrible things to my dad. It got really bad and he cried.
That incident made me really guilty so I stopped being a jerk to him. But I also kind of stopped being around him. I’m a lot happier not dealing with him and his family.
And I just figured he would be too.
So I just have occasional contact with my dad when I am visiting home from college.
I’m going to graduate college in a few months.
I got a text from my father saying he was proud of me for being the first one in our family to graduate college. I got it right before a midterm so I read it but forgot about it.
I then got another text yesterday saying he preferred me hating him instead of ignoring him. I haven’t responded yet.
I know and accept I was a jerk growing up. But AITJ for maintaining a distant but non-hostile relationship with him now?
For me, the vacation I missed out on is still a sore point because it represents him finding a new family and pushing me to the side.
And I don’t really miss his presence in my life.”
Another User Comments:
“Maybe an unpopular opinion but no jerks here. We are all responsible for finding our own happiness. Living your life in a way that makes you happy while being cordial to your dad as an adult does not make you a jerk currently (you know you were a jerk in your teens).
Your dad acted like kind of a jerk but has tried to make up for it, even if it was too little too late, so he is also not a jerk currently.
Parent-child relationships are complicated, and there is no crime in distancing yourself from people who make you unhappy or bring up bad memories/ feelings. I do think you should go to therapy to work through the resentment you felt growing up because these things have a tendency to come back and bite us later.” treetops579
Another User Comments:
“I’m sorry but YTJ if you remain quiet.
Your dad never should have gone away without you, especially not at a time like your grandmother’s death. On top of that, they lied about it and tries to keep it a secret which to me just seems insulting.
You were a kid so I also understand why you were difficult with him after that. Sure the things you did were wrong but considering your emotional state it’s unsurprising.
Even at 17 when you refused to go on this trip with him everything that had happened would have been understandable.
But today after your father has expressly asked for a relationship with you and shown you how much he wants you a part of his life. To say you believe you are being replaced seems a little juvenile.
Feeling these things are okay, I can imagine myself reacting similarly but I can also imagine you regretting this.
If you are uncertain how to change things I would suggest getting a coffee with him, one on one.
Layout the past and explain how his actions made you feel, express your guilt for your childhood, and then let him talk.
You don’t need to apologize and don’t ask for one, just share your thoughts with him.
Try not to assign blame and maybe you will learn some new information.
You both seem like decent people. So just try to hold on to that.” JustAWriterReddit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and after skimming the thread, I’m gonna respond to some of the points I saw repeated.
What the Dad did doesn’t make him an irredeemable monster or a hateful person, but it also doesn’t entitle him to a relationship with his son, either. By hiding a family vacation, a lot about the Dad comes into question for even a 13-year-old kid.
‘What else are you hiding? What else do you do when I’m not around?’ And the trust is absolutely shattered, so they can’t believe anything they’re told, either — because Dad has proven he cannot be trusted for that.
People don’t snap under one event — it’s most likely that OP already was feeling like he was lesser and being replaced, and this just cemented it.
Also, Dad might not have been going out of his way to hurt OP when he hid it, but guess what? OP isn’t going out of his way to hurt Dad, either.
OP is simply keeping low contact because he’s happier that way. You can’t be happy with someone. He’s not giving his Dad the silent treatment to punish him. He’s just simply not investing much more than shallow emotions in a relationship he doesn’t even want, which is completely fair.
It’s not like he read the text and left it on reading to be nasty, he just forgot about it.
What the Dad intended is irrelevant, because the results of his actions hurt OP.
This wasn’t an accident — you don’t ‘accidentally’ go on a family vacation to somewhere your 13-year-old child desperately wants to go and then hide it. He made an active choice, the consequence of that choice is that he drastically hurt his child.
His intentions are irrelevant. And then he didn’t even bother to try to fix it. Dad was an adult, OP was a teen. If a teen starts acting out like that, guess what, YOU FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIX IT.
A drastic personality change like that clearly shows problems, which is where you get therapy involved or some kind of help. Waiting until four years later ain’t gonna work, because by then it’s too late.
Do you know what gets me the most, though? That four years later trip he offered was to the same place. The place OP wanted to go when he was 13.
When OP was now 17. Interests can change massively from 13 to 17, and the Dad didn’t take that into account? He didn’t learn enough about his son/talk to his child’s mother to figure out what his son might actually want? No wonder OP refused the trip; to me, it sounds like a hollow attempt at appeasement rather than actually wanting to spend time together or make amends for pushing OP out! Imagine how it sounded to OP!” WolfBrokenButterfly
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here –
They were not a part of your mother’s family so they shouldn’t attend the funeral.
Typically vacations take some time to plan, so that means they likely would’ve planned it before and not said anything, or planned it specifically when they knew you would be gone.
Both are ouch.
Now, the part that you could work on here, is talking to someone to get over this. I’m not sure why this affected you so much, but it sounds as though you used one vacation as a reason to intentionally cause harm to your family for years.
That’s pretty ouch on your part. Yes, 13-year-olds have a concept of right and wrong and can be just as self-centered or not, as an adult.
You need to stop assuming the world rotates around you, and address acting out because you don’t get exactly what you think you deserve.
Regardless or not of what you should get, your reaction and understanding of how to navigate this properly need work. There are two halves to this problem, and it seems like you’re the one exaggerating and extending the issue well past its due date.” tgressyeg
3. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Unborn Son My Husband's Last Name?
“I (26F) have been married to my husband (31M) for 3 years, and we’re expecting a baby boy together.
When I married my husband I kept my maiden name which he was perfectly okay with.
We already discussed this and agreed that any future kids we have will automatically take his last name. His family considers this a huge deal and I decided to keep just going with it.
But recently I started thinking about it a lot more and figured that it would be unfair for my unborn son to take my husband’s family name and not mine. I talked to my family and they said my husband and inlaws are ridiculous to push this on me without a compromise expecting I go with it.
So I went home and told my husband that I’ve changed my mind about the last name thing and want to either have both our last names combined or my last name to be given to our son.
He was confused saying we had an agreement and then asked what was the cause of this sudden change of mind. I told him and he said I can’t just do that and called me selfish when I pointed out that I’m the mother I get a say too.
We went back and forth on this and he said no way he and his family will let me do this to his son as if my last name is a disgrace.
We had a fight and we stopped talking after this. He said that I broke and violated my part of the deal and I should just ‘deal’ with it now but I won’t accept it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I don’t like to imply that you can’t change your mind. Of course, you can. But here are the consequences. What you are changing your mind on is material information.
Information that your husband relied on when deciding to have a child with you. Based on what you wrote, I feel like if you had voiced the opinion you wanted your child to have your last name, your husband likely wouldn’t have married you or had a child with you.
I think you know that.
I’m not going to accuse you of bait and switch (even though tho that’s probably what your husband feels). You’re of course free to change your mind and make this your hill to die on (giving your son your father’s name vs your husband’s name, cause, let’s be real here, women don’t have their own family name, which is a whole other rant).
But you can’t be shocked by your husband’s reaction based on the info you provided and the fact that you’re trying to make him sound like he’s being ridiculous is a bit gaslight-y and makes you YTJ.” hurelise
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You broke the promise you made BUT you suggested a compromise which he and his family won’t agree to although you also suggested the baby only having your last name which from his perspective is the same problem as your perspective.
You say it’s unfair to just automatically give the baby his last name but you want to suggest he only has your last name or the compromise of an amalgam of the two, which is the same problem.
You are giving him an ultimatum that doesn’t include something good for him which is what you ‘blame’ him and his family of.
Take away the idea of the baby having only one last name and only suggest having the amalgam of the two names.
Unless one of you is willing to also change your names to one of the others so you all match.
But during this time you need to come together as a team because you are bringing a beautiful life into the world and that life will need you both to be a unit for them and fighting about a name and not resolving it peacefully will cause tension and may cause resentment that can bleed over to resentment at the child for bringing forth the fight.” cmalarkey90
Another User Comments:
“If you had the agreement before this… I get why he’d be upset and yeah I think YTJ.
It’s not about his family so much that it’s important to him and it doesn’t actually sound like it’s that important to you other than the fact you think he’d be embarrassed…which doesn’t sound like an embarrassment issue.
It sounds like he just would like that one thing to be done traditionally. It’s not like he’s telling you to give up your job or something misogynistic.
If it hasn’t been agreed on previously I’d say you’re fine with wanting that or at least bringing it up for discussion.
But you’d already agreed to it and if you were going to change your stance you should have communicated that you weren’t sure. And while yeah you can change your mind, he’s not being a bad husband by having an emotional reaction to the changeup.
For some people, it’s a privilege to be able to break convention bc of family. Obviously, everyone has a choice but don’t act like there aren’t social repercussions for it that could happen with his relationships with them.
Maybe compromise and make your last name their middle name?
He told you it mattered to him. He’s your husband so you literally should care how you make him feel. If it didn’t matter to him then sure whatever but it clearly doesn’t matter as much to you since you changed your mind so casually.” AnxiousShmanxious
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You and he should make the decision for yourselves. It is acceptable to consult with family, but neither of you should be making ultimatums to the other on things like your child’s name.
A hyphenated last name should be an acceptable compromise.
You did agree to appease him and his family’s views, so you are going back on your word to him. You can bring up the topic again and let him know you have some uneasiness and want to discuss it further, but you shouldn’t be making the decision on your own without him because it violates your trust.
If roles were reversed, how would you feel if he broke his word on something important to you and demanded the opposite of what he agreed to?” kriegmonster
2. AITJ For Speaking Russian Around A Coworker Who Doesn't Understand It?
“I work at a daycare and share a room with one other staff. By coincidence, we found out both of us speak Russian, which was really cool. At first, we started off speaking Russian to each other if there was a surprise or something we didn’t want the kids to be able to overhear.
Slowly we started using Russian more and more, mainly during naps when the kids are supposed to lay quietly, or if we’re talking about classroom planning. This ONLY happens in our room and ONLY when it’s a conversation between us two.
If we’re talking to the kids, or having lunch in the staffroom, we speak English.
The owner changed our shifts recently so now we have a third staff in our room part of the day.
At the start, she would look uncomfortable when we spoke Russian and today she asked if we could speak English when she was around. I said this is our room and we’re most comfortable talking to each other in Russian.
If we need to include her in a conversation of course we speak English, but there’s no reason she needs to understand if we’re talking about what kind of decorations to put up (we handle that since it’s our room) or what we’re going to do after work without her.
She complained she feels left out and it feels like we’re talking about her. We aren’t, she’s just being insecure. I think she should trust us that if we need to include her we will make sure she understands.
AITJ?
EDIT: We are not the ones who decided it was our room. All the rooms are assigned to 2 staff and we take care of decorating and cleaning. The 3rd staff who doesn’t speak Russian is a floater and doesn’t have a room assignment.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Where I work we have English and Nepalese speaking people. Sometimes in the restroom, they speak Nepalese to each other.
Does it bother me? No, because they speak English if I’m involved in the conversation anyway.
As I speak Spanish, if Spanish people come in I usually speak to them in Spanish.
Does it bother anyone? No, because we’re talking to each other, if someone else enters the conversation we’d switch to English.
Your coworker is just a bit too sensitive or insecure, maybe she thinks you’re talking about her or something.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I think if there were lots of you there, it wouldn’t be a big deal, but when there are three people and two specifically speak a language the other doesn’t, you are excluding the third.
And that’s a jerk move.
Also, she might like to contribute to the conversation or have something worthwhile to say, and you aren’t giving her a chance. It seems to mean to dictate what conversations she can and can’t take part in.
As I said, if there were more of you it wouldn’t be a big deal, but you are the only people she can talk to, and you won’t talk to her.
She’s only there for part of the day anyway, so it’s not like you can never talk in Russian” CheerilyTerrified
Another User Comments:
“Unpopular but NTJ. Why do English speakers always think people are talking about them when they’re speaking a different language? I think the fact that she’s uncomfortable is her own problem.
It’s not like there’s a language barrier, you speak and understand English. If she wants to be included she can initiate a conversation in English.
The older people in my family used to have conversations in Portuguese when I was a kid but none of my siblings/cousins speak/understand it beyond a simple phrase or how to cuss.
If they needed to talk to us they spoke in English.” slythernnn
Another User Comments:
“Hard YTJ. You are excluding this poor woman on purpose. Can you imagine how it must feel to have the only two other adults in the room intentionally, explicitly tell you that they are in your space and not welcome to participate in anything you don’t feel like including them in? They’re new, yes? That means they don’t know you and have no reason to trust that you’re not talking about them or that they are being included in every important conversation.
Have some compassion, dude.
I worked at a school where I was the only native English speaker and one of 4 people who spoke English fluently… or so I thought because those 4 were the only ones who spoke to me in English.
I spent the 4 hours I was there lonely and sad that everyone excluded me because they didn’t think my Turkish skills were good enough to participate. Imagine my surprise when someone needed something administrative and they spoke to me in English.
It felt so trashy like they didn’t care about me at all, all of them sitting in the teacher’s room chatting away, being friendly, and no one would say a word to me (other than good morning, but only if I said it first).
Some of them I guess legit didn’t have any English, some were shy to use it with a native speaker and some just chose not to. There’s no judgment for them, really.
Could they have been nicer? Sure. But I’m acutely aware that I live in a foreign country and don’t speak English with people who don’t speak English to me first.
I lasted for about three months but I should have quit earlier as I would cry every day on the way home.
Of course, this situation took place in Turkey (clearly) and so you could say that this is different and that I shared the blame for not having good enough Turkish (they were wrong btw, my Turkish wasn’t great but I could understand most of what they were saying) but really what you’re doing is far worse because you do speak English, you’re just choosing not to and making this poor lady feel like crap every day.” Schmelectra
My point is, it doesn't matter what languages you speak, nor does being insecure have anything to do with it; deliberately excluding someone, especially when it's for no better reason than that you don't feel like speaking a language they can understand and you have no difficulty with, is plain rude. When someone is well aware that a person knows how to speak their language without issue, why would they not feel excluded when that person deliberately uses one they can't understand. To put it another way, it would be no different than two able-bodied people and someone in a wheelchair. Instead of putting items at a level the disabled person can reach, you're deliberately putting them up higher just because you can.
1. AITJ For Getting My Kid's Dance Teacher In Trouble?
“My kid (8) was rude to her dance instructor and got a harsh punishment. Am I the jerk for emailing the school?
The teacher (22ish) promised she would bring treats to the class a few weeks ago, but every week she has a new excuse why she forgot them.
Last week it was that she just left them on the counter, this week the teacher said the reason she forgot the treats was she had spent the previous day at a theme park & got distracted.
Apparently, at this latest excuse, my kid remarked to her friend, ‘bet she forgets next week too. Maybe she’ll go to another amusement park.’
The teacher became livid and made my daughter sit on the floor, missing out on a nearly 2-hour class during recital season.
I’m mad because while I concede my child was quite rude, 1. The teacher had a hand in the conflict by promising candy to 8-year-olds then continuing to break that promise and 2.
I paid for these dance lessons, not to have my kid crying on the floor for two hours.
Who’s the jerk? (I did give my child a lecture about respecting teachers, but I also pointed out the value of keeping a promise.)
Edit- I was asked where I got this version of the story.
Both parties. The teacher told me after class (including that my daughter did apologize), then my daughter confirmed it on the way home in the car.
Edit 2- AND SCENE! Everything was resolved amicably.
The studio owner was very kind and is offering a make-up class.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your daughter’s comment was relatively mild in the scheme of rude comments. Sure, you wouldn’t want to actively encourage her to say things like this, but it’s a sarcastic remark that makes sense under the circumstance of her dance teacher continually making excuses for not bringing the promised treats.
I’m struggling to think of any circumstance in which it would be appropriate for a dance teacher to put a child in an hour-long timeout. For the truly worst offenses (e.g., violence, repeated vulgar personal attacks), might as well phone the parents and ask them to just pick their child up.
This is nowhere close to that level, and making an 8-year-old child sit in the corner for an entire hour over a relatively mild comment is over the top and not developmentally appropriate.
And yes, you’re right to be upset because you paid for the dance lesson, which I imagine is not cheap. The dance teacher effectively decided to take your moolah but not provide the service over a sarcastic remark that really wasn’t that bad in the scheme of rude remarks that kids might have.” jogam
Another User Comments:
“Going against the grain here to say YTJ.
Not remembering the treats isn’t great, but it’s not a required thing and is something extra they’re doing to be nice. Great if she remembers, but I’d personally let it go.
People have a lot on their minds right now, and it wouldn’t hurt to give a little grace in this area. She’s human. And young. Being so salty about this is why I gave YTJ.
As far as the smarting off thing, I feel like it’s an ESH thing. I imagine there’s more to this than what’s being shared. There are two sides to every story, and when it comes to parents, their kids, and the teacher/coach dynamic, it’s rarely as dramatically bad as any party makes it.
Could they have handled things differently? Probably. But if you’re in here as upset as you seem to be, I imagine you gave the studio director and anyone else who would listen to an earful.
If this isn’t a pattern, let it go. It’s rough, rough, rough right now. No one is at their best. Everyone needs to take a step back and breathe. Save the outrage for something more proportionate
If it’s a pattern of poorly addressing in-class behaviors, have a civil talk with the teacher.
Touch base with the studio director if it continues. Change studios if you find this is the persistent culture. You have options. The candy thing, though? Let it go. There are much bigger fish to fry in the world today.” QuinnieB123
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, teacher definitely overstepped but it’s not her fault things come up.
A reward is just that a reward. Your child isn’t entitled to it and should be thankful the teacher even wanted to do something nice for the kids and spend her coins on them.
Not only was he rude he was a smart alec. Honestly, she should have just brought the treats the next week and not given him any for his smart mouth that would have been a much better consequence.” West-Change-7874
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