People Urge Us To Think Deeply About Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
20. AITJ For Telling My Teacher About Our Household Situation?
“I (17) have been having some problems with my sister ‘Nia’ (14), my brother (13), and my sister’s significant other ‘Matt’ (17). We live with our mom, who is divorced.
The thing that’s been going on is that I can’t focus on my studies, (graduating this year) I haven’t been able to invite my SO over, all because of Nia’s and Matt’s treatment towards me or my SO. When I study, I use our PC that’s in my sibling’s room.
(I have my classes, homework, and books online or downloaded.) But for months, I wasn’t able to study on weekends for more than an hour without being interrupted by Matt, Nia, and my brother screaming, shouting, arguing, drinking, or smoking in the back. Matt is always buying smoke or booze for my siblings, which should be pretty illegal, however, my mom decides not to care, because ‘she argues enough with them and gets no result’.
Eventually, my sister got addicted to smoking and throws a fit when she can’t get them. When I’m studying, I ask them to lower the volume of their music, or TV, or just go outside. Their answer to this is that ‘I can go to someone else’s house’, and ‘it’s their room so they do what they want’.
I told them that we could solve this if we moved the PC to my room, which caused my siblings to throw a fit because they need it. I told them they can still play on it when I’m not using it, Nia argued that she also needs it to study.
(She frequently skips school to stay with Matt, and doesn’t plan to graduate).
I told my mom that it was impossible for me to study in these conditions, and she said I can just study in my room without the computer. I told her that my stuff is online and she didn’t believe me.
I also told her that she better not expect me to get into a top university and graduate perfectly if she can’t tell my sister that Matt can’t come over for a FEW weekends. She called me a jerk for being selfish, and not letting my sister be with Matt, and it was my fault for not studying harder and using the computer for video games.
(I play when I’m finished, or unable to keep studying). I mentioned to her that Matt literally picks on my SO every time he comes over (calls him slurs and comments on his looks), and that’s why my SO never comes over. She said it’s not her problem, and if my SO can’t get over ‘such childish comments’, then he shouldn’t be in our family.
Also, I wanted to host a Halloween party at home, but my mom refused because Nia needed to rest from school. But Nia and Matt are hosting parties every second weekend? When I argued about this, she called me selfish for not letting Nia live a calm life.
I live in a dorm on weekdays, and today my teacher approached me because I looked upset. I told her this. She said that tomorrow she’ll call my mom if she won’t provide me a chance to study, or changes something about Matts or Nia’s behavior, she MIGHT contact authorities.
I’m already scared of my mom’s reaction, and I do feel like a jerk here for telling an outsider about what’s happening. So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ for telling a teacher. You will not be the jerk if your teacher has to report some aspect of your living situation to the authorities.
You will not be the jerk if you and your siblings are removed from your mother’s care. Got that?
This situation is bad. It is not your fault. You are doing your best. Your mom needs to step up regarding your siblings’ behavior and it is unlikely she will do so, based on past performance.
I hate to say it, but do not let the animals be the only reason you stay. Rehoming them elsewhere would be kinder to them if you were to leave to live at your dad’s, and you should go live with your dad if he is willing to have you.” BitterRucksack
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother is the biggest jerk in this situation. She’s allowing your 14-year-old sister to date a 17-year-old, which is problematic at the least and dangerous at the worst. 14 and 17-year-old teenagers are in completely different developmental/maturity stages and your younger sister is likely being used by this 17-year-old for whatever he can pressure her into.
Your mother is allowing her minor children to be in incredibly dangerous situations because she can’t be bothered to parent. And I’m not saying all this on the fly or from the seat of my pants. I know from personal experience how dangerous the situation your family is in is.
If no one intervenes, your sister will end up pregnant before her 18th birthday. You seem to be the only person in your household that is trying your best to be responsible and mature.
You deserve better than what you are dealing with. CPS 100% needs to be involved with this.
I wish nothing but the best for you and I’m proud of you for trying to be better than what you came from.” Mis_Red
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You need help, and your teacher HAS to tell the authorities if you are being mistreated or neglected. It is part of her job.
You realize that on their next birthdays, your sister and Matt will be 15 and 18, and that means, if you are in the USA, that their relationship will be very illegal. Your mother should be caring for you and your siblings, not turning a blind eye to them drinking, smoking, skipping school, and hanging out with someone far too old for them.
I hope you and your siblings get the help you need in this horrid situation. I am so sorry you are having to go through this.” cstarh408
19. AITJ For Uninviting People From My Wedding Over A "Joke"?
“I (26f) am getting married in February 2023 to my fiancé (John-29m). We’ve been together for 4 years.
Before I met him (and for the first year and a half of our relationship) I lived with Tammy (27f). Tammy and I have been best friends since we met on 12/13.
Tammy and John have a great relationship, too.
The issue is with some people in my friend group who I met after John and I got serious. For some reason, they’re all obsessed with the ‘and they were roommates’ joke when it comes to Tammy and me.
At first, it was kind of funny, but now it’s crossed a line and they won’t stop. If I casually mention Tammy is coming along to an outing, at least 2 people will make some dirty joke about the two of us. She hit really hard times during the global crisis, and John and I let her stay in the guest bedroom.
Cue the jokes about having a ‘maid’ wink wink nudge nudge.
It makes all three of us uncomfortable and I’ve tried to get them to stop but because they’re my (soon to be) SIL’s friends (and I am close with SIL – who doesn’t make these jokes) it’s been hard to cut them out or distance because of the tangled web of connections.
I should note that I have been very clear that I dislike these jokes and that they’re being disrespectful to myself, Tammy, and John.
Well, last week we all went out and Tammy came along. I was in no mood for these types of jokes and made a note on my phone of everyone who made a joke and how many times they said it.
At the end of the night, we all went back to my place and I stood up and pointed at the ‘jokesters’ and said ‘you’re uninvited’. Out of the 8 people who went out with us, 4 were uninvited. I made it very clear why and explained it again so there was no confusion.
The 4 who were uninvited, left the apartment.
My fiancé is on my side but my SIL is now fuming. She’s super annoyed that I’ve ‘isolated’ her from her friends because she’s ‘obligated’ to pick family. I said she can still be friends with them so long as they stop the jokes.
(Edit: I’m not dictating her friendships. This was part of a much bigger conversation that I was obviously not going to transcribe here. She can still be friends with them if they make those jokes but the bigger picture was that I was not going to be friends with them if they continued to make those jokes).
Naturally, the people who I uninvited are annoyed too and there has been a barrage of passive-aggressive instagram posts about it and the money they’ve spent being wasted.
AITJ for uninviting them?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This isn’t a last-minute uninvite – you’re not getting married until February.
You told your SIL that she can still be friends with them as long as they stop the jokes. She can be friends with whoever she wants to be whether they make the jokes or not. You don’t dictate who she can be friends with regardless of their classless behavior.
With that said – screw them. You made it clear for them to stop the childish nonsense and knock it off. They don’t respect you or your friendship enough. Your SIL can be mad at you but she can’t make you reinvite. the jokesters. So she can go pound sand too.
Good luck and have a lovely wedding.” _Nunya_Biz_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. I feel like you would have gotten way better results if you did it the other way around though.
First, texted the so-called friends to tell them the jokes are getting old, none of you 3 like them and it’s the last warning, anybody who keeps telling them from now on will get uninvited from the wedding, period.
Then you go and see them. Out of the 8 persons, 2 would likely still make an attempt. You announce to them that they’re uninvited, as you already warned them.
Then when SIL gets to you all mad, you can state that everybody was warned already and they decided to not care and keep the jokes running anyway, so it’s entirely their fault and you won’t accept any complaint.
This way, you get the respect you deserve and SIL can’t push more drama on you, it’s not your fault her friends can’t control themselves. Not that her complaints are reasonable now anyway. They’re not even your friends. You did the right thing.” Responsible_Brain852
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your SIL has no say in your invites. She’s an adult and can still see her friends any time that’s not this specific family function. You clearly made the right choice since these so called friends doubled down on their awfulness by passive aggressively attacking you publicly on social media.
Someone who was actually upset they got uninvited would maybe take a hard look at their actions and apologize. These sound like tactless, self centred people. Distancing yourself from them will be good for your happiness and peace of mind.” ajkert
18. AITJ For Defending My Daughter Against My Brother?
“I moved in with my brother after my divorce 3 months ago and brought my 18-year-old daughter with me. My brother and his partner have a 9-month-old daughter (my niece).
This happened this past Friday, My brother’s partner was on a shift (she’s a nurse) and my brother was in a WFH meeting. I was out of the house for hours. He was watching the baby via nannycam and apparently, she needed a diaper change but he was so busy.
He texted my daughter asking if she’d go in and quickly change her cousin’s diaper but she refused. She told me that she had her reasons. One, she doesn’t feel comfortable around babies. and two, she was already late for her friend’s birthday party (her other friend and brother were waiting on her outside).
My brother insisted but she refused which made him cut the meeting and get kicked out of it. My daughter was out of the house at that point.
I got home and there was a huge argument. I found my brother berating my daughter for not helping with her baby cousin and doing him this small, one-time favor now he got kicked out of his meeting.
My daughter was crying so I told my brother off and said that his daughter is his and his partner’s responsibility and he shouldn’t rely on my daughter for her care. He explained how it was just a one-time favor and how he’s been very supportive of us since I divorced my ex but I told him that it’s not an excuse to force my daughter to do what she didn’t feel comfortable with.
His partner got involved and called me an ungrateful jerk and told us we have 2 weeks to move out.
I tried to speak to my brother about his partner’s decision but he shut me off saying I was in the wrong for telling him off instead of holding my daughter accountable for her lack of support.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It doesn’t sound like it was previously agreed that she would take care of things like a dirty diaper or he’d also have known that after X o’clock he’d be on his own. Had your daughter not been late, she wouldn’t have been present.
What was his plan for that? Did he just hope and pray that his daughter would stay quiet? That seems incredibly short-sighted.
Also, people act like changing the diaper would be a fast thing… Your daughter is uncomfortable with the prospect of changing a diaper.
My assumption is that either means she hasn’t done it before at all or only with great trepidation. That automatically makes it not a fast thing. And then there’s the thing with babies literally pooping and peeing themselves when their diaper is changed. With said during and poop getting on the person changing the diaper.
I’d honestly be afraid I’d throw up on the baby if that happens.
Maybe that wouldn’t have happened. But it’s a very real risk and something that would definitely make you very late for something that was never agreed with you… After all, she was supposed to be already gone at that point.
If you and your daughter aren’t doing anything in the household and not earnestly pulling your weight, I understand why this would be the tipping point for your brother and his partner. But this described situation and him then berating her until she’s crying makes him the jerk for me.” gezeitenspinne
Another User Comments:
“You and your daughter burned the bridge with your brother and his partner. When a family needs help you help them. Just like your brother helped you and your daughter out with a place to live after a divorce. Changing a diaper is not rocket science.
Your daughter was already late for the party so what’s an extra 3 to 4 minutes more going to hurt? You told your brother and his partner that their child is not your or your daughter’s responsibility. They now use that logic back at you and you and your daughter are not their responsibility.
Now you want them to reconsider their stance so you don’t get kicked out.
YTJ” tsutsumaki
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your brother is not really good at this whole parenting thing. A nanny cam is not a babysitter. At some point during the day, his child would need a diaper change.
If he planned on using your daughter as a backup he should have had a conversation with her and planned this correctly. Not knowing how to correctly care for a baby can cause death or injury. Also, your brother was berating your daughter for saying no?
This is disturbing. You don’t get to yell at someone because they say no.
It’s time to step up and get your own place. This is your responsibility and your daughters as she is a legal adult. But depending on your location they might not be able just to kick you out.
Look into your legal rights and make sure they follow them.” Bunnawhat13
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
They need actual childcare, not just your brother watching the baby via nannycam. Babies don’t schedule their diaper changes around work meetings. What would he have even tried to do if no one else had been home?
Butttt…
Reading between the lines, I’m guessing this was the last straw for your brother and his partner. You’ve been living with them (rent-free?) for three months and I don’t see you mention anything you two have been actually contributing around the house – rent, groceries, money towards bills, etc.
For me, it’s less that your daughter didn’t change the diaper – particularly if she’s never changed a diaper before – and more that you both went right to the attitude about how it’s not her responsibility and she was totally justified to refuse. In the technical sense – you are right.
But in the sense that it also hasn’t been your brother’s responsibility to house you and your adult daughter for the last three months, yet he has done so – changing one diaper is small potatoes in the scheme of things.” hannahsflora
17. AITJ For Taking Down My Sister-In-Law's Artwork?
“We recently moved back into my husband’s family home as his mother is getting older and he doesn’t want her living alone anymore.
On the way to our rooms, there was a painting my sister-in-law made for our mother-in-law that frightens my daughter. I’ve tried talking to her and showing her it’s harmless but she’s 2 so it hasn’t really helped.
I spoke to my husband and we decided to take it down and move it to a part of the house where she won’t see it.
We hadn’t had the chance to hang it somewhere else but my brother-in-law and his wife came to stay and they noticed it had been taken down and asked why. I explained my daughter was scared of it but my sister-in-law told me I had no right to take it down as this isn’t my home.
We usually have a good relationship but she’s completely ignoring me now and hung the painting back up. My mother-in-law had it moved to her bedroom but that only seemed to upset my sister-in-law even more and this entire thing has also caused tension between my husband and his brother.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… you live there it IS your home. She does not live there and had no right to rehang it or dictate where it goes. The painting also does not belong to her. It was gifted so mom can hang it in the outhouse or burn it if she wants.
Furthermore, a frightened 2-year-old who doesn’t need to be traumatized cause Auntie is a selfish jerk who thinks she can run someone else’s home. Remove it and put it away where Aunty can’t find it again. Or burn it lol I’m petty like that. Or you could try to smooth feathers and ask madame l’artiste to paint something child friendly that could be hung there.” Any-Blackberry-5557
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You live there. It’s your home, too. You get a reasonable say in what’s on the walls.
MIL (owner of the artwork and home) was fine with moving the picture.
Sounds like SIL has a long-term relationship with MIL, and isn’t dealing with this recent change very well.
Maybe she feels guilty that she and her husband weren’t the ones to move back into the family home. Maybe she feels like her place in the home is being taken away. It feels like some sort of unresolved fear or guilt driving an irrational response to something seemingly harmless.
I think the two of you need to go grab lunch and talk things through. There’s more beneath the surface, here.” sdp82
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You moved back in. It is your home too. Even if you simply disliked it, it would be your prerogative to move it (with MIL’s permission of course).
You had the aforementioned permission. No one else in the house thinks you are being overly protective or boundary-stomping.
Your daughter is two. Two-year-olds are easily scared by random things. It is more than likely that she’ll grow out of her fear, and voila, the painting can go back on the wall.
This is not a you-problem. This is a her-problem. If your SIL is worried about your tiny two-year-old art critic’s assessment of her work, then maybe she needs to talk to someone. Or get into wall-painted stick figures.” endearinglysarcastic
16. AITJ For Implying That My Coworker's Boundary With Her Partner Is Stupid Through A Joke?
“I (29F) am bi and have been working at my company for about a year and a half.
We just started returning to the office about 3 months ago, and it’s the first time I have really started to get to know my coworkers on a deeper level than just Zoom chats (it’s about a 50-person company). I’ve never ‘come out’ at work since there hasn’t really been an opportunity to.
My immediate boss knows I have a lady partner, but that’s about it.
Yesterday I was eating lunch in the kitchen and chatting with one of my female coworkers (~30F) that I’ve started to develop a friendship with. She mentioned a ‘girls’ trip she had planned over the holidays.
And I told her in turn about a trip that I had planned with my best guy friend ‘Matt’, and I said my ‘partner’ couldn’t get work off to join. I should also mention that I am femme and straight passing.
She immediately raised her eyebrows and said, ‘wow that’s ~wild~ that your ‘partner’ would let you go on a trip alone with another guy.’ Before I said anything about my relationship I asked her why that was ‘wild.’ She immediately went into a little mini-rant about how she and her partner have a ‘boundary’ about not having friendships of the opposite gender, and it means that they have a deeper level of trust. It honestly came across as a little condescending.
While I do believe that everyone knows the right thing for their relationship – I’ve always found this particular ‘boundary’ to feel a little absurd to me. And so I said exactly why I feel that way:
‘Huh I wouldn’t understand – that would be tough for my partner and me since we are bi.
I guess we wouldn’t be able to have any friends at all.’ I said it in a teasing tone and laughed.
My coworker turned white as a sheet. Clearly, I had embarrassed her. I tried to change the subject and move on but she started to look more angry than embarrassed. She basically said it was uncalled for to make fun of and insult her relationship and that I set her up for failure by not telling her I was bi until that moment.
Then she had the nerve to say ‘to be honest, I don’t really think the workplace is somewhere to be discussing sexuality at all.’ I didn’t say anything after that and walked away – embarrassed too.
I feel conflicted about the whole exchange.
On the one hand, I don’t think I’m the jerk at all, and it’s her fault for assuming my sexuality in the first place and that she was telling me about her relationship which means it was perfectly acceptable for me to talk about mine.
On the other hand, my partner said I was out of line to make that joke and I clearly embarrassed her and she was just being defensive – as anyone would if they felt their relationship was attacked. While I feel like my ‘joke’ was really just the truth and not an attack, I can’t help feeling like maybe I am the jerk?
Do I owe her an apology?
UPDATE: I got an email from HR at the end of the work day today requesting a meeting first thing tomorrow AM. So I guess she went to HR first.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – So she wants you to out yourself for her comfort, whilst simultaneously never talking about your sexuality.
I am going to need your co-worker to explain how she is expecting that to work, exactly.
She was the one who started with the whole sexuality thing anyway – she was the one who made the assumption that you were straight and turned your trip into a ‘sexuality’ thing, which it isn’t.
I almost feel bad that she thinks inherently not trusting your partner by banning them from having friends of a different gender is ‘having a deep trust’. No, my love, it’s the opposite, that’s deeply controlling behavior and paranoia.
I think making light of it was the kindest thing that you could have done here, to be honest, as you could have just told her how inappropriate she was being.
Or indeed, replied with two short words.” Sloppypoopypoppy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – She pulled a ‘don’t say gay’ on you there, and that’s highly, highly inappropriate in my opinion. It’s ok to talk about ‘sexuality’ as long as it’s about hetero relationships apparently? That’s borderline discrimination, and if she actually was accepting and open towards non-hetero couples she’s accepting her heteronormative thoughts to herself or graciously correcting herself for misstepping.
You’re not at fault here at all OP, and honestly, this convo is something that you should keep on record for HR in case she decides to say something.” smoogrish
Another User Comments:
“She’s the jerk. She handled this interaction poorly every single step along the way.
It IS condescending for her to tell you that her relationship is more trusting than yours (and honestly by the sound of it, probably incorrect).
You did try to change the subject to let her off the hook after her fumble, she could’ve said, that’s awkward I am sorry, my bad and moved on, she didn’t.
She brought up relationships, she’s straight and assumed your sexuality, you corrected her and then she accuses you of bringing it up?
I hope she is ashamed and apologizes for this and that you can med your friendship if not I think you are better off without her as part of your circle anyway.
I am a straight male and I have platonic female friends and it’s not weird, I hope you two have a great trip!” rosawik
15. AITJ For Not Wanting My Sister To Take Her Kids To My Workplace?
“I (F21) work in the beauty industry and rent a suite in a salon and my sister from time to time comes in a gets waxed done but since she’s going through a divorce she has her two kids during the weekdays.
But every time that she brings the kids they always grab everything, make a mess, scream, and yell but that’s what kids are going to do since they are both under 3 years old and this last time that my sister came in asked my co-worker who is also her best friend to take care of the kids while she gets her wax done but at the same time, her best friend was working on a client and the kids started grabbing stuff they shouldn’t grab and making a mess which is obviously going to stress out her best friend.
Everyone that works in the beauty industry usually has a policy to not allow extra guests including children which I have in my policy as well but I make an exception for my sister since she is family and it stresses me out too when I do her lashes but I never say anything to her until a few days ago I texted her and asked if she would be able to leave her kids with our mom when she comes in to get service done but as I expected she took it the wrong way and now is upset with me and asked me not to talk to her.
I’m not sure if I should apologize or not but I do feel bad after saying something I’m not sure what to do.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it is not an issue with the kids exactly. It is an issue with the fact that when you are working at your station it is your office.
Your way of supporting yourself. If you worked in a bank as a teller do you think she would bring her kids in and say watch them for a bit? No, she would not. So you have to set rules and so do best friends that no children allowed unless they are getting services.
(I am guessing that you cut hair)!
No one wants to sit and listen to disruptions like this while getting pampered. How can you be attentive to your clients if you are having to pay attention to her children? Lay down the rules! She either accepts or she tries to go somewhere else.
They will tell her quickly, No! Also, it seems she is using you and doesn’t respect you or her friend, because she calls you to watch them while she works.” 4everkjam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, tell her to stop taking advantage of you and her best friend.
She won’t go anywhere else because she knows no one at those places will watch her children while she gets a wax. It’s not a daycare. She can get a babysitter or not go to the salon. That’s HER choice. Stick to what you said and don’t apologize for it.
She’s taking advantage.” Picture_It_1912
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your request was totally reasonable. You tried to be accommodating but having the kids there was clearly not working. She is giving you the silent treatment because she doesn’t actually have a good argument to make and she is hoping she can just guilt you into doing what she wants.
Stand your ground.” Forward_Squirrel8879
14. AITJ For Asking A Coworker To Wear Headphones?
“So myself and two other colleagues share a small room within a suite.
One guy joined the team in September. Pretty early on he started listening to music through his laptop speakers. Not blaring but loud enough to distract me from my work. I was pretty surprised when it became an everyday thing. Especially since we all have to make phone calls a lot.
Pretty early on I said, ‘do you mind putting in headphones?’ But he didn’t put in headphones, he just turned them down lower. I went to my manager (along with the other person sharing the space because she doesn’t like it either) and we let him know since it was continuing after I said something.
He said let me know when it’s happening through our chat, and I’ll come in and then it can be through me and not involve you. I thought great, perfect solution. Well, that hasn’t worked out and basically, the manager still hasn’t dealt with it.
Cut to today like 2-3 weeks since I brought it to the manager. I’d had enough. I said, ‘do you mind putting your headphones in I’m having trouble focusing?’ He replied ‘You can hear that? I can barely hear it?’ I said yeah I can.
Maybe my ears are just more sensitive. He paused and said, ‘That’s really bothering you?’ I said that it was. He said, ‘I’m not having earbuds in all day. I’ve always been able to listen to music at an office’.
I’m just thrown off totally.
It’s super uncomfortable. I thought it should be a no-brainer. Our colleague messaged our manager after she walks in on the tail end of it and says ‘we have a situation’. He comes over after the music guy has left the room and asks about what happened. So at some point, we are both meeting with him later supposedly but hasn’t happened yet.
It’s so awkward.
Anyway, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your colleague is the worst. He knows you can hear it. He knows it’s bothering you. He senses you’re conflict averse so he’s subtly bullying/steamrolling you into accepting the music by asking his incredulous stupid questions.
If you work in a small shared space don’t do annoying things like listen to music, scream on the phone, click your pen nonstop, wear heavy perfume, etc… These are basic office social rules everyone needs to follow. Go over your manager to hr and inform them of this ongoing issue that’s interfering with your ability to complete your job.” DirtThat4303
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Coworker is in a shared space, doing something to disrupt what you’re all there to do: work. If he doesn’t want to wear earbuds, he can wear headphones. If he doesn’t want to wear headphones, he can act like an adult and deal with it, because his preferences are less important than him disrupting the work that’s supposed to be being done.
You’ve done your part by politely asking him to respect the shared space. Now it’s your manager’s turn to deal with things.” cyanderella
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This isn’t the first time it’s come up, nor the first time you’ve said something to him.
If he doesn’t want to wear earbuds then he can get over-the-ears or cut the music. There are even bone-conducting headsets that sit on your head and not in your ears. This guy needs to respect the space and the people he has to share it with.
If your manager isn’t dealing with it, keep a record of how many times you’ve brought it to them and go to HR.” friedmaxi
13. AITJ For Telling My Sister Not To Ask Me For Money Ever Again?
“My (20f) sister, Leah, is 16. She does nails from home, but is really cheap and spends almost all her profit on disposable vapes and Lucozade. I have a 3-month-old and I lost my partner of 8 years to a car accident last month.
I’ve been fortunate enough to live in a country with paid maternity leave but I’m now missing an additional income. My friend (not relevant here really) Kathryn, let me move in with her, rent-free. Regardless of that, it’s still been a major struggle and things are really piling on top of me.
Maternity leave here is paid by the government, my employer doesn’t ‘top me up’ like some do, so I’m currently on about half of my normal income. I used to be able to ‘lend’ leah money whenever she asked, I put it in quotation marks because I genuinely can’t remember the last time she paid me back.
I lent her money about a week and a half before my partner passed, about £20, and I really needed it back this week since I haven’t had any luck with friends or parents with it being December and all. I asked my sister if I could have the money I lent her back and she told me I told her she didn’t have to pay it back.
I haven’t been over there much, and our only conversation has been over text, so I sent her a screenshot of where she said she’d pay me back and told her I needed it, and that I was running out of baby stuff. She told me she didn’t have it to pay back and I said she’d better pay me back when she does nails for a friend of mine tomorrow.
Leah said she needed a new vape so she could only give me £10 and I told her she doesn’t need a new vape but my baby does need to eat, and she had promised she’d paid it back. She texted back ‘whatever’ and a middle finger emoji.
I told her in a voice message that she’s never to ask me for another thing again, and called her an ungrateful little jerk. She told our parents, who understand why I’m upset but telling a 16-year-old never to ask for anything of her big sister again is unreasonable and I was taking it too far.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your sister is 16. Not 12. She runs her own small business. She should have enough of an understanding of life, in general, to know what she’s doing. You lent her money. She needs to pay it back. She didn’t.
You’re not giving her more. Seems pretty straightforward to me. Considering she is spending her money on a new vape rather than what she owes people shows that she does still have to mature to go, and a lot of it, and it should not be at the expense of your CHILD being able to EAT.” MinklyDink
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your parents are unreasonable saying that it was reasonable that a 16 yr old should be asking for things from her big sister. You didn’t have her, your parents did, she needs something she should be asking your parents, full stop. Your parents can’t afford to give her extra?
then it’s time your sister learns about some things called priorities and budgets.
Don’t expect to see any money you gave your sister back. Don’t give her anything in the future.” Kindly_Delicious
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your frustration is understandable, and you are just trying to provide for your baby during a difficult time.
Also, your sentiment in this situation is quite common; your parents have been around long enough to understand that ‘never’ is a long time and ‘anything’ is too broad a category. But to a 16-year-old it sounds serious and that’s the point.
I wouldn’t blame you if you never loaned her money again (let’s hope you eventually have some to spare).
And on a general note, you understand that loaning money to friends and relatives is really a gift that you don’t expect to be repaid. Especially when they ask to borrow again after not having paid you back the first time.” 1962Michael
12. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner To Order Takeout?
“Me (26F) and my partner (28M) moved in together 8 months ago. Things were going well financially until he got demoted 2 months ago (for missing deadlines). Now we’re in a position where we’re not getting by. We’re not barely getting by… we’re not making it at all.
I’ll use 90% of my salary for our rent, utilities, gas, and my student loans. My partner will use 60% of his salary for his own loans and study fees. We decided to use my salary for the more important things since it’s larger. The rest will go for groceries.
We came up with a strict grocery budget to help us get through. But it barely does. Last month I had to ask my parents for money because our pantry was empty, and we literally had nothing to eat.
We currently have about 170 dollars to get us through 4 weeks.
Today my partner called me and said he was ordering takeout and asked if I wanted anything. I immediately started to panic and asked him not to. He said that he was hungry. I reminded him of the food we do have at home, and that he can make some mac n cheese.
And I’ll have whatever’s left when I come home. He said that buying takeout for him alone wouldn’t cost that much and that if I don’t want to have some, it’s fine.
I started crying a bit. I’m hungry at work, but I’m relying on office coffee to ease my appetite.
All this financial stress is suffocating me. But thinking that I might be a controlling partner is even worse. His words are stuck in my head. Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but there are much bigger issues here than takeout. The fact that you’re struggling financially is a direct result of him performing poorly at work.
He should be doing everything he can to rectify this issue, not making it worse. He needs to either look for a better-paying job or take a second part-time one.
If you’re renting, I wouldn’t suggest renewing your lease once the year is up. If you want to stay with this guy then you’ll need to downsize.
If you don’t, then put your notice in now and find something you can afford on your own.” walnutwithteeth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
When you don’t have enough money for groceries, you definitely don’t have money for takeout. Your partner is the jerk. You are not controlling, he screwed up.
There are no nicer words for it. He got demoted, putting you both in this position. He needs to understand that actions have consequences. And the consequences of his actions are huge, no takeout is actually the smallest of those consequences.” Majestic-Moon-1986
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re being responsible and realistic about your money situation. If he wants a treat he can pay for it himself AFTER he’s covered the important bills. He needs to contribute equally and if he can’t afford to he needs to get more hours or get a new job.
You shouldn’t need to be burdened with all of the financial worries. Sit down with him and ask him what his plans are to help improve your situation, otherwise look to move out or get a roommate to help contribute to the costs.” woodenpickle17
11. AITJ For Not Letting My Homeless Mother And Sister Stay?
“I (F20) am homeless because my mother took a travel job and abandoned my husband and me because she terminated our lease and left, so my husband and I are forced to sleep on his sister’s floor in her living room.
My mom’s job fell through and now she and my 15-year-old sister are homeless. They keep blowing up my phone screaming at me and calling me evil for not allowing them to stay where I’m staying, but it isn’t my house! It’s a 600 sqft apartment and we’re sleeping on the floor!
His sister would not be open to anyone else staying especially them because they have mistreated me my whole life. But they keep saying that I’m the evilest person ever and they’re abandoning their pets on the side of the road to die because of me.
AITJ? This is really messing up my head right now. I feel helpless.
Edit: We were all paying rent to live in a house together and when she left the lease was terminated and we cannot find a place because we got directly hit by hurricane Ian and the housing market is way too high for us to afford anything right now.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It sounds like your mom isn’t willing to own her actions. She left you and your husband in a bad way and now, instead of owning her actions, she is trying to dump things at your feet. Don’t take it.
Don’t allow her to twist the narrative to make you the bad guy. Keep it simple and say to your sister that your mom left you and your husband homeless and that your sil is only letting you all stay there to get back on your feet after your mom left you all homeless.
The pets on the side of the road, and your mom not completing the paperwork are all your mom, and needs to own that. It has nothing to do with you.” Sea-Tea-4130
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And block their numbers and social media. You’re homeless too and floor surfing.
How dare your mother blame you for the housing problems she caused herself?
It’s time for her to grow up, act like an adult, and take care of herself and her child. Even if you owned a mansion with a 2-3 bedroom apartment suite over your garage, you do NOT owe anyone space in your home!
And you certainly don’t have the right to offer space in someone else’s home.
Ignore her awful behavior and block her, OP. Don’t let your mother stay for even a night when you get back on your feet and into your own place. She’s not entitled to it.” depressivedarling
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They’re saying horrible things to you because they know it works, you’ll believe them and cave in. Don’t do it! Don’t pressure your sil or move somewhere unsafe to accommodate them!
Do yourself and your husband a favor – your mother and sister are doing nothing to help the situation your mother landed you in.
They are only adding stress. You two are safe. You two have the opportunity to recover from this.
If your mom doesn’t know where you’re staying, don’t tell her. Block her phone for a week. Don’t even tell her. Just a week. You will feel so much better after that week.
You will fill the void left behind by her insults with positive things. It will give you time to step back and see your situation for what it is. You may find it easier to deal with her after a week. Or you may find you no longer want to deal with her and extend the week indefinitely!
I wish you the best of luck.” NunaMaverick
10. AITJ For Telling My Stepmother She's Not The Most Important Woman In My Life?
“My dad is married to Jani. They’ve been together for a little over six years and married for about four now. Dad was a widower when they met. I’m 16f and my siblings are 14f and 12m.
Our mom died 8 years ago. Jani has not adjusted well to being a stepparent. I think she thought she would be just a parent to us because our mom had died and didn’t consider that we’d still talk about and have photos of mom. Over the years she has been to therapy and she and my dad have gone to couples sessions.
In the last year, the five of us have gone to family therapy and she has admitted it’s hard for her because she feels like she’s second best or consolation to us and that we don’t really love and want her. Dad assured her that ‘we’ all love her just as much as mom, that she’s his number one and is vital to our family.
For a while then in sessions, she and the therapist would talk about how she feels like she’s not a true member of the family like she’s a second-class member, not someone we see as important in the structure of the family. She said she never felt love from any of us and she feels like even extended family, which she explicitly said was grandparents and any aunts and uncles, come before her when it comes to us, kids.
She said she sees it in so many things including the way we don’t regard her parents as our grandparents or her two sisters as our aunts and how when I turned 16 and we did a nice dinner party, my guest list included both my mom and dad’s sides of the family but not her side.
My sister was the first to speak during all this and she said nothing was ever done to make her feel bad. That she just doesn’t think of her as her mom or as being her parent. Once that was said she was talking about how much that makes her feel bad and like she’s not truly accepted. The therapist asked us to consider whether we’d be willing to deepen the relationship so she felt equally as loved and important as our dad and dad wanted us to consider ditching our typical Christmas dynamic and spend the time with her parents exclusively this year.
Then three weeks ago she brought up that I had made something for class that went into details about my family and she pointed out that she and her family were not mentioned. Then she asked me why my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins were mentioned on both sides, all with their own pages, but I couldn’t make room for the most important woman in my life (her).
I told her because she is not the most important woman in my life. I told her that will always be my mom, followed by both my grandmas. She asked if she was just second best then if she was unimportant and I refused to answer.
Afterward, my dad and Jani both told me that I was cruel to say she wasn’t the most important woman in my life when she is there every day and has done her best.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A stepparent is almost never going to replace a biological parent in terms of their importance to a child.
I recognize that there will be exceptions to this before anyone jumps in, but for a standard blended family, this will be the case. Where the parent has passed away, there is even less chance of this happening.
This is not to say that she can not be an important person in your life, but she is incredibly naive to think that there is a hierarchy that she’ll be at the top of.
Your dad shouldn’t be pushing this either. She is important to him as his wife and partner, but that doesn’t automatically mean that his kids will feel the same. You can’t force feelings.” walnutwithteeth
Another User Comments:
“Jesus, NTJ. Jani and your father’s expectations of you are insane.
This woman is putting her need to feel included above the needs of three literal children who have lost their mother. Your father seems to refuse to understand that his feelings for Jani are his alone and that he and Jani will always need to hold space for your mom.
Who on earth wants a 16-year-old to tell her she’s more important than that child’s deceased mother? It’s worth mentioning everything you’ve said here in therapy in clear, honest language. You shouldn’t be having to do this work, but honesty in the sessions will allow the therapist to help.” gayforaliens1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ sounds like this woman stepped in, thinking she had a ready-made family to take over. I understand wanting to be close to the children you help raise, but she should know that, of course, she cannot replace your mother. You still have your family, and that’s it.
If she had married a man who was separated from his spouse, I suspect she would try to get the kids to call her ‘mom’ too. A question you can ask in the next family therapy session (which the therapist should already have asked) is what her desired outcome is.
How can you as a family make her feel included more than she is? You don’t have to do whatever it is, but her answer should be telling. If she says anything like treating her family the same as yours, then clearly, all these therapy sessions aren’t working for her.” More-Pizza-1916
9. AITJ For Telling My Roommate To Go Back To Her Country After An Argument?
“I (20F) live with two roommates who we’ll call John (21M) & Anna (20F). Anna & I sleep in separate bedrooms while John sleeps in the living room (even though there’s a bed in Anna’s room, but he said he felt uncomfortable with that & we obviously aren’t forcing him to do anything).
I both study & have a part-time job, so most of the time I’m not in the apartment. I always make my bed, clean the dishes I use, and pick up any wrappers, clothes, personal belongings, etc. I’ve left behind.
When my friends are over, I clean up after them & I’ve never made a mess & expected my roommates to clean it.
I don’t interact with Anna & John that much because I’m almost never around them, but I’ve been around enough to know that when John wakes up, the living room (which also doubles as a kitchen) looks like a pigsty. There are dishes everywhere, clothes on the floor, wrappers, deodorant & razors (yes, used razors) on the table & kitchen counters…
He never cleans it up himself because when Anna cleans her dishes & puts away her things, she cleans & puts away his stuff, too. I don’t care because if she wants to do that, she can feel free to do so & I don’t bother her.
The problem began earlier today when she was washing his dishes & putting away his things. I was on a call with a friend about an important essay that I had to write when she literally screamed at me to come to help her with all of the garbage.
I politely told her that I was busy at the time and had to meet my friend in twenty minutes, & that the trash John left behind was easily an hour of work. She started calling me lazy, yelling at me that I never help her when she cleans, that I just go out all day, etc.
When I said I clean up after myself & asked her why she wasn’t screaming at John even though he’s the one that left the apartment looking like a bomb explosion site, she said, ‘Because he’s a guy and that’s just not expected of them to know.
You should know better. Women from my country know this, guys aren’t really bothered by messes so it makes sense why he wouldn’t clean.’
The whole time she was yelling & calling me lazy, a pig, etc. & I told her, ‘I have no obligation to clean up after a man I don’t know, and neither do you.
When I leave to study in your country & start living off of it is the moment I’ll share your values but for now, I don’t really care about them.’
She got even angrier and started insulting me personally & a bunch of other things, & I told her that if she likes how the women in her country behave that much, then maybe the solution to her problems is that she should just go back to her country & leave me alone.
I think I might be the jerk because she’s a product of the environment she grew up in & maybe part of it isn’t her fault.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she was trying to push her values onto you. I don’t think it’s wrong to say what you did in this particular context to remind her that if she is living in a different country she has to respect their values or go back to hers if she can’t.
It would be different if you tried to criticize her way of life and then because you did not like her cultural values told her to go back to her country.
However, I’d have a serious talk with her about how she has to respect your values just as you respect hers and that calling you names is not allowed. Also, you two should talk to John and decide if you want him to move out if he does not start picking up after himself or she can continue picking up after him.” No_Lingonberry1651
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for the question you asked.
However, this situation is ridiculous, to begin with… you have two bedrooms with 3 beds and mixed genders. Instead of rooming with the other woman, you keep the single room and expect John to share a bedroom with a woman he doesn’t know.
Obviously, he doesn’t feel comfortable with that so he opts for the living room. That means he gives up his privacy once more to keep his living situation.
Because he doesn’t have a room, the usual mess there gets transferred to his living quarters (the couch).
So it’s not that weird that after a while he’s not as attuned with cleaning every single thing before he leaves the house.
While the remarks your roommate made about general male incompetence are stupid, ignorant, and frankly sexist, the whole situation would not even be a situation if John had his own room to keep his trash in.
That way it won’t bother anyone because nobody would be confronted with it.
Therefore, NTJ, but the whole situation makes you and the other female roommate jerks, in my opinion.
Edit: John pays rent just like the other two tenants but with a significant decrease in privacy, and if housing in the area is limited it might be his only choice.
Can’t blame the guy for leaving clothes, dishes, and razors in his ‘space’.” jamarwoerst
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Obviously, if you are the only other person cleaning up after themselves, then you clearly aren’t the pig in the household.
What I’m guessing is really going on is she’s actually furious with John, but because of the cultural expectations she was raised in, she doesn’t feel comfortable or safe in confronting him.
She also may not even realize she’s misdirecting her anger at him towards you and is simply jealous of the freedom you have from those cultural expectations.
Once feelings have cooled off, try to have a rational conversation with Anna. Explain that you also have an issue with John’s cleanliness and you’re on her side that something needs to change.
But stress that the change should come from John as he’s the real source of her frustration and that her taking that out on you is not and never will be okay.
Propose setting up a house meeting. Since you and Anna have an issue with the conditions of the common areas, this needs to be communicated to John.
Be prepared for resistance from him because he’s the only one who doesn’t have a separate private living area, the living room is essentially his room and he will probably have the stance that he doesn’t dictate how your rooms look so why should you get to, which IS fair.
If possible suggest putting up some kind of partition (if there isn’t one already) so he has that privacy and the mess in that space is his and his alone to clean.
As far as the other common areas, EVERYONE needs to be cleaning up after themselves and their guests, no one in your apartment is the designated housekeeper for anyone else.” Throwawayrainyday87
8. AITJ For Banning My Daughter's Friend From My House Over A Comment About My Weight?
“I (37f) have two kids with my husband (41m); a 14-year-old daughter and a 10-year-old son.
Our daughter has always been a little socially awkward to the point that we’ve had her tested since we suspected her of being on the spectrum. Turns out she isn’t on the spectrum; she’s just a natural introvert.
However, this year in school we were thrilled when our daughter made a new friend her age since that is an area in which she struggles. Long story short she recently invited her new friend over (with our approval) to have dinner at our house and then spend the night.
So, my daughter’s friend came over. My husband is usually the cook in the family and this night was no exception; he made us all a really nice meal. During the course of the said meal I asked my daughter’s friend; ‘Are you enjoying the food?’ She responded ‘Yes!
(Your husband) is a great cook! No wonder you’ve ended up a bigger woman.’
The room got quiet for several moments. My husband tried to laugh it off and change the subject but I wasn’t having it. The girl had just leveled a completely uncalled-for insult at me.
My daughter’s friend seemed to realize that she’d messed up but she didn’t say anything else. We finished an awkward dinner in mostly silence and my daughter’s friend did stay the night.
This was a couple of months ago. Recently my daughter asked if she could have her friend back over and I told her ‘Sure; if she’s going to apologize to me.’ When our daughter asked what I meant I reminded her of what she’d said.
My daughter responded that it was over and she didn’t want to bring it up again.
She then went to her father and asked. He said ‘sure’ but she then told him what I’d said. He came to me and said: ‘(Daughter’s friend) just felt awkward and tried to make a joke.
It didn’t land. For the sake of our daughter can’t you just let it go?’
Yes, I could, but the thing is that I just want an apology from the girl. I need to see that she understands how rude she was before I can get on board with her and my daughter hanging out.
My husband says that I am being weird for insisting on an apology from a 14-year-old, especially since that girl is such a good friend of our daughter. I think it’s weird that I’m still waiting for an apology from that same girl. Seriously. That’s all I need. I just need to know that any friend of my daughter is willing to own up to her screw-ups.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You said your daughter is socially awkward to the point of having her tested. Birds of a feather flock together. This girl absolutely did not mean to insult you.
You, as the adult, should have and could have used the opportunity to talk about appropriate comments and kindness but instead chose to ignore it.
I think inviting her into your home is appropriate especially if this is your daughter’s only friend. If you feel so inclined, let her know how the comment upset you, and moving forward you’d appreciate it if any jokes were made not involving anyone’s weight in the house.
A healthy boundary to set.” Sunshinedxo
Another User Comments:
“Yes, YTJ. And I think I know at least part of the reason your daughter is an introvert. This is a total overreaction on your part. Have you held onto this one comment for months? It isn’t even for sure an insult.
Do you really think she was consciously thinking about how she could upset you and decided she would do so by saying you are bigger? She pointed out something everyone can see – you’re bigger. And you took it in the harshest possible way.
You used the word banish. Like the dark ages leave the village to fend for yourself in the wild punishment. You didn’t just decline. You want her banished.
I think you might be dumping years of frustration about being a bigger woman on a 14-year-old girl, who, if she is friends with your daughter, might be a bit of an introvert and a little awkward herself, and probably doesn’t have the polished social skills you require.
I bet you never had those perfect skills at her age either. And I have no idea what you get out of it. This isn’t the 1700’s, your honor has not been besmirched. Let it go.
You say you’re happy your daughter has a friend.
I don’t buy it. And I have news for you: no 14-year-old your daughter included owns up to all their screw-ups.
In fact, YOU don’t own up to all of your screw-ups. How do I know? You’re not doing it now. Drop it and apologize before you lose your daughter.” FreeRustProofing
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ. I get it – it was a rude comment. But we, as adults, are here to shape young children. You’re going to alienate your daughter from her only friend if you don’t let them hang out. And guess what – it’s going to get worse.
Your daughter will still hang out with her but will start hiding things from you. It’s OK to talk to the girl about what she said. ‘Hey, what you said wasn’t cool to say to people! You could hurt someone’s feelings in the future. You can start practicing by slowing down and thinking about what you say before you say it.’ By now, you’re demanding an apology too late.
The time to address things is when they happen.
I would have laughed it off and made a snarky comment back if it was me. That usually teaches people with social awkwardness like ‘Oops, I shouldn’t do that, but at least this person isn’t mad at me for my simple mistake.’ And then you teach the kids skills to use going forward.
Explain it to her, in a nice tone of voice, that some people might find that rude and that sometimes they’ll have to think before they say something potentially hurtful.” thatoneone
7. AITJ For Telling My Aunt's Partner To Ask For Permission Before Using My Clothes?
“I (f18) have spent my life moving back and forth between my split mom and dad.
For the past few years, I have been living with my mom but she recently passed away, and have begun the process of moving in with my dad til I can get on my own feet to get my own place.
I left a lot of unimportant clothes and stuff in my mom’s apartment because her partner still lives there and he told me I can keep some of my stuff there so I don’t have to pack everything with me.
My aunt (f29) and her partner (m40) came into town to help me and my grandma plan for my mom’s funeral. My mom’s partner said they can stay in my old bedroom while they’re here so they don’t have to pay for a hotel.
Today they both came to my grandma’s house where I’ve been visiting and they were wearing the clothes that I left behind. Apparently, they said they didn’t have time to pack enough clothes. I was a bit annoyed but ok with my aunt using my clothes because she’s family.
I got upset at my aunt’s partner and said he needs to ask before he goes and uses my stuff. I said just because I left it behind doesn’t mean I won’t come back for it eventually, and it’s not free range to use.
My aunt said I was overreacting and that I don’t even use those clothes anymore since I moved. She said I was letting them rot in the closet and I have too many clothes I can just let one shirt her partner was using the slide.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if they knew it was yours, helping themselves and showing up wearing it, is super weird and they come back beyond rude. The correct answer should have been to apologize and have a better explanation than doubling down on feeling entitled and insulting calling it rotting in the closet.
The way they acted so entitled to your clothes, and how she became so aggressive, make me worry about how she will act with your mom’s belongings, or anything she will put her hand on. She can’t be trusted.
Sorry for your loss. Hope you have other more considerate and nicer on your side.” The_real_Psu
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, while it’s a bit weird that they started wearing your clothes it’s not too hard to imagine a situation where that would be valid (didn’t pack enough, spilled something unexpectedly). I mean they could have just called or texted you to ask if it was OK.
Older family members tend to do this sort of thing with no thought so I wouldn’t take it as some sort of perusal attack.” woodenpickle17
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’m sorry for your loss, but who doesn’t ‘have time’ to pack even just 2 spare outfits…
I understand if they’re poor and can’t afford a few new outfits when they arrived. But those are still your belongings and they 100% SHOULD have asked for permission, you don’t just rummage through someone’s wardrobe.
I can understand if she’s grieving so not thinking but you are also grieving and deserve to grieve while having your belongings and boundaries respected.
PS. If you see this, you might also want to consider the fact she may even wear any potential undergarments you also left behind. Just something to think about when you sort through what you left behind as not everyone is ok with sharing undergarments.
(I wouldn’t bring it up with her based on how she reacted to just the clothes but food for thought).” Throwaways_96
6. AITJ For Grounding My Daughter For Using My Debit Card?
“My husband and I have 3 kids (20f, 16f, 13f). The three girls share a bathroom/shower. We remodeled their bathroom 8 years ago and we added 2 cubbies in the shower. They should be big enough for the girls to have everything in them but their shower is a mess and they’re always fighting about using each other’s products and hogging storage space.
I will admit, my oldest has so many products that she takes up 1.5 cubbies but I’ve repeatedly told her to keep some of it in her drawer (each kid has a drawer in the bathroom).
My middle daughter sent me a link to an over-the-door shower shelf.
It has 4 shelves and 4 hooks for razors. I told her it was a waste of $30. We have a basket on the floor of the shower and it’s working just fine.
Well, a week later, I came home and the shelf was set up in the girl’s shower.
I asked my middle daughter about it and she said they needed it so she got it anyways. I asked how she paid for it and she lied and said she got it. I didn’t trust her so I was checking my recent purchases on my cards and I saw that she used my debit card to buy the shelf.
I saw that it cost $45 with tax and shipping, so I grounded her for 45 days.
She used my oldest daughter’s phone to call my MIL (my MIL adores my middle daughter) and tell her what happened. Now my MIL is on my butt for treating my middle daughter unfairly and for being cheap.
She got my husband on her side and he ungrounded her and let her keep the storage so he and I have been fighting.
He and my MIL won’t let this go so I wanted to know if I was the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You have 3 girls/women sharing one bathroom, allowing the oldest to take up 75% of the storage space, doing nothing to solve the problem ‘because I told her she shouldn’t’.
Your middle child found a solution that would help, and you refused to do something to help your children, because a basket on the floor is gross, with everything getting wet, not an easy way to dry, and the razers probably get all sticky with the protective strips on them.
Your middle daughter stole your debit card and ordered it without your permission, then lied about it. Big no.
Grounding 45 days for $45 is harsh in my opinion; does she do chores or earn money around the house, or have savings to pay you back? A dollar a day doesn’t add up to me.
Your husband and MIL shouldn’t have talked to your daughter about it, because that’s just teaching your daughter that she doesn’t have to respect you.
I think a family meeting is in order; with clear rules and expectations for the bathroom. Maybe gift them all shower caddies for Christmas and say ‘no more in the shower storage for anyone’.
Ask your children what bathroom rules they want their siblings to follow and they will follow. Create expectations instead of blind punishments.” makethatnoise
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for allowing this problem to continue when the girls expressed their needs for an extended period of time.
The eldest daughter should have faced harsher consequences for taking up so much space in the shower. Additional storage space is an easy fix and now you’re mad that the girls took it into their own hands? Sounds like if an adult had intervened sooner this whole situation could have been avoided. While using your debit card was crossing a line, I’m not sure how they could have expressed to you any differently that things needed to change.
You weren’t listening.” Electronic-Try5645
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. She stole and lied to you. I’d make her pay you back, or do equivalent chores to compensate you.
Husband sucks for undermining you and not taking her actions seriously.
MIL sucks for interfering.
You suck for refusing to solve the shower problem and refusing your child’s suggestions. You state the bathroom is a mess, so the basket on the floor is clearly not working. Your kid made a reasonable suggestion and you rejected it because it wasn’t important enough to you.
Make your oldest stop taking up all the space or take your middle’s suggestion to create more space. All you’re doing is teaching your kid that you don’t care about her problems or her attempt to solve them. I am willing to bet this is a pattern for you.” NovelsandDessert
5. AITJ For Firing My Friend After Hiring Her?
“I work in interior design for a federal government agency, and it’s been a wonderful career that has provided for me and my family for over 15 years.
Last year, I met a friend at church (‘Angela’), and I eventually learned Angela was out of work and looking for a job. She had done office work before, and because I’m in a managerial position, I thought it’d be great to hire her in an underlying role that was open at my job.
Especially with government work being very stable and secure, I thought it’d be a great fit for her.
Her criminal record was clean, but she told me she had a few traffic tickets that she couldn’t afford to pay the fines for, so I helped her pay those so her background check could clear.
So to make it clear, I have helped her a lot. But slowly but surely, working with her has been miserable. She sometimes doesn’t get work done on time. She often swings by my office to just gossip. I have tried to walk her through her work and explain to her in great detail how to accomplish tasks, but she struggles very easily.
She has had spats with fellow co-workers/other employees of mine. It’s starting to get to the point that my boss is starting to complain.
I had been wrestling with what to do for over a year, and really trying to make it work, which incredibly stressed me out all year long.
I probably talked my husband’s ear off every night, debating what to do.
But I finally pulled the plug and fired her. I also no longer answer her calls on my personal cell phone, and after my daughter (13F) one day answered the phone and heard Angela’s voice, my daughter hung up right after she said hello, to which Angela left a very long, quite passive aggressive voicemail on my cell phone.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for firing her
But now you’ve lost a friend because you willfully crossed a line between friends and work and because you reinstated that line afterward.
She should have never been directly under you. You probably kept her on longer than you would have a stranger who pulled the same stuff.
There was potential for a real HR problem here. She should have been made more aware from the drop that she was an employee not a friend while at work and that professionalism was expected or she would be fired. It doesn’t seem like that boundary was drawn effectively enough.
And since the boundary wasn’t drawn and you stayed her friend more than boss, the kind of friend who already got her a job, she might have expected a chat with her of ‘look, as your friend, I’m warning you that you’re going to be fired if things don’t change asap.’ And given her a heads-up right before the firing.
And been kind and said ‘hey, sorry it didn’t work out. I’m sure you’ll find your perfect job. Let’s go get coffee and I can help with your resume.’ She’s understandably confused and hurt since the line wasn’t drawn between friend and coworker.
But also I get that we don’t always anticipate how these things turn out.
My coworker’s cousin started working with us, they were both friends- basically sisters. The cousin quit after months of being unreliable and now the two girls don’t even talk. It ruined everything when they thought their bond was amazing. Because the line between friend and work was crossed and they didn’t maintain boundaries but also because they had different expectations of those boundaries.
Working with friends rarely works out bc the way they are in a non-work setting says nothing about the way they are at work and vice versa. The sweetest friend can be horrible to work with, and the worst jerk can be the best employee.
I hope you two can reconcile and that you’re willing to look past her workstyle to see the human underneath that was once your friend and that she can forgive you for firing her as you had a company to look after and it wasn’t personal.” zesty_heron
Another User Comments:
“NTJ whatsoever. You tried to do a good thing by putting her through the hiring process and training her, but she’s just not a good employee. Unfortunately, that’s how some people are and it’s probably the reason she’s unemployed.
Any hiring manager will tell you that it can be challenging to know in advance if someone is going to be a good employee, but see if you can identify red flags that you may have missed in the interview/training process that can be picked up on in the future.
Also, don’t let this prevent you from trying to help other people when appropriate!” Reasonable2aPoint
4. AITJ For Telling My Parents To Clean Up If They Don't Like The Mess?
“I (19 F) am a college student with a very busy schedule. My five-day school week consists of waking up at 4:45 am and not getting home until 6:45 pm. On top of that, my parents both expect me to cook dinner 4 out of seven days a week, along with doing all of the household chores (vacuuming, doing the dishes, walking the dogs, and such).
This isn’t even including my homework as well. I would use the weekend to sleep in, but we always have social events to go to.
It’s getting extremely exhausting, and I come home drained every day and just want to catch up on some sleep, but I can’t since my parents have practically been berating me to do my chores before going to sleep.
I started to have enough of it, as one day they asked me to do the dishes; to which I stated ‘if you don’t like the mess, you can clean it yourself’. They weren’t exactly happy with this as you can imagine, but I was too burnt out to care in the slightest. So AITJ?
EDIT: My parents just come home and watch tv/go on their computers when they are home, I’m the one who does all of the household chores, along with paying rent.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are a family member, not a maid. Your parents probably taught you to clean, so surely they remember how to do so.
This situation is all kinds of unfair. You’ve been really strong to put up with it for this long. It sounds like you are prioritizing your studies, your rest, and your health – all very good choices!
You will probably experience some backlash. Maybe you could make up a chore chart showing your parents how much you are willing/able to do and suggest that would be a fair amount of work for each of them.
Just a thought… maybe not a great one.” Huge_Industry_1259
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Look for a shared house. What about family members that you could move in with… possibly ones that don’t like your parents all that much because they know what they do to you?
Even not-ideal housemates will be much better than your parents. They are using you as an overworked maid.
If you really can’t do anything about moving out then bide your time till you finish school. Then look for a job in another city or state or even country.
Don’t tell them till after you have moved.
In the meantime malicious compliance. If you have to cook dinner, cook easy boring things each day, every day. Another option is meal planning and cooking up lots on the weekend to be frozen and can be reheated each of the nights you are expected to cook.
What would happen if you deliberately made adjustments to the meals you normally cook ie add lots more salt but not quite enough to ruin the meal? Or cook things too much so veggies are mushy and oven stuff is just before burning.
Your standard of cleaning may also need to drop.
Don’t vacuum as often. If they expect you to don’t clean the filters or empty the bag… it won’t suck as well but because they’ll see you cleaning they won’t understand why the place seems dirty. Stuff like this.
Any deny all knowledge and act dumb.
No, this is always how I cook… okay that would be gaslighting them.. but they are abusing you.” KitchenDismal9258
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You are a full-time student as well as taking on all of the household chores for 3 people. Just because you still live at home doesn’t mean you should have to be a full-time maid.
If you work out a way to start paying something in rent, you’d be in a better position to push back about being the only one taking care of the house. After all, if you move out, your parents are suddenly going to be stuck doing absolutely everything themselves or paying someone to do it.
Also, I would certainly think at the age of 19 you are old enough to refuse attendance at any social events you don’t really want to join; maybe it’s time to start blowing those off and using the time to get some extra rest?” Dipping_My_Toes
3. AITJ For Telling My Student That Elf On The Shelf Is Not Real?
“I’m a private tutor and teach a fourth grader who has a lot of anxiety. He randomly brought up Elf on the Shelf and started frantically asking me where it came from and if I had one.
I told him I didn’t have one and he told me he didn’t but he didn’t know why because he ‘celebrates Christmas.’ I explained to him that different families have different traditions so maybe it wasn’t part of his family’s tradition.
He was still upset asking me why the elf didn’t come to his house. He asked me where the elf came from and I told him families bought the doll at the store. He looked shocked and a friend told him the elf was real and came when you believed in Santa.
I don’t have kids so I didn’t realize that kids, especially 9-10 years old thought it was real.
Later he told kids at school that the elf came from the store and one of the kids called his mom.
Now his mom is mad at me and says it wasn’t my place to tell him the truth.
I was only trying to make him feel less anxious. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – honestly parents need to stop treating kids like they’re idiots and actively give them opportunities to ask those sorts of questions. It wasn’t your place per se but apparently, you’re the adult who gave him the chance to ASK in the first place, which is commendable.
Also, the whole surveillance aspect of elf on the shelf literally isn’t even healthy for kids and the spread of that info to other kids where families do it will quite possibly alleviate their anxiety as well as the kid who actually asked the question.” alexserthes
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk. Adults have a responsibility to be truthful with children and not intentionally mislead them about how the world works. Just because a lot of adults seem to see the opposite as the right thing to do, it doesn’t mean they are in the right.
If anything, you would have been in the wrong to help perpetuate an ageist lie that was clearly causing this child anxiety.
The entire Elf on the Shelf tradition seems to cause a lot of anxiety in some young people and it’s good that you answered the child’s questions honestly and tried to assuage his anxiety.
If his parents are invested in lying to their child to keep up a creepy holiday tradition at the expense of their son’s mental health, that doesn’t mean you prioritized the wrong values by not going along with the ruse. And especially since this child is as old as he is and asks a lot of questions, the parents have to realize that eventually, he would start to have some questions about all of this stuff.
He was eventually going to learn or figure out that the whole thing is fake. I think the mother is the one being unreasonable here. It’s bad enough that parents lie to their children about things, including supposedly ‘fun’ holiday traditions. It’s outrageous that they expect others to collude in the dishonesty even when it goes against their values to do so.” righteouswind
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – This ‘tradition’ deserves to die before it gains more traction. It’s not even 20 years old and has caused a lot of unnecessary anxiety around Christmas time for kids.
In my experience the Santa belief causes enough problems – every cousin of mine who believed in Santa had a very sad Christmas (ie; when they found out it wasn’t real) and the same went for my friends.
Those of us not raised with it just had consistently happy Christmases.
But Elf on the Shelf is next-level creepy. It makes kids scared and anxious.
All that aside – you still didn’t do anything wrong by telling the truth to a kid whose family didn’t have it to begin with.
If that kid went out and spread reality to more kids that aren’t on you.” VoltesVoltron
2. AITJ For Saying That My Husband "Tries" To Make Cakes?
“I was at my nephew’s birthday party, chatting to his Grandmother on the other side.
The birthday cake was on the table with the shape of a football match in icing/frosting on the top.
We were looking at it and she asked me ‘do you ever bake cakes?’, and I said, ‘No, but (my husband) tries sometimes’.
It was one of those weird times when the conversation in a room drops out for a second, and everyone heard it.
There was a bit of a weird pause and my younger sister said ‘Wow, you don’t have to be so mean about it’. I was a bit embarrassed but it moved on from there.
I looked for my sister after a few minutes and found her outside talking to my husband, who was watching our youngest on the bouncy castle during the whole thing.
I lost my temper a bit and told her off for being a tattletale, because she always loves to talk trash about me to my husband, and probably made it sound worse than it was. She stormed off and we kept away from each other after.
After the party, we were driving the kids home. He was very quiet, so I asked him if it was about the cake thing. He said it was a little hurtful. I could have just said he bakes cakes, and the word tries to imply that he doesn’t succeed, and how would I feel if he said to people that I ‘try’ to sing?
I told him it wasn’t fair. He wasn’t there, the whole room wasn’t supposed to hear, and it was just a throwaway line my sister blew out of proportion to make me look bad.
Also, I sing in choir twice a week for the last 20 years.
He only bakes/decorates cakes every now and then, and half the time he lets the kids help him and it looks terrible.
My mom and other sister are taking my younger sister’s side, saying it was rude. My dad doesn’t care. I think my husband is still mad because he’s being very quiet.
(He goes quiet when he’s mad/sad). I told him he needs to get over it and he smiled and said ‘I’ll try’, so I told him he was being a jerk.
Edit 2: I realize I’m definitely the jerk. We’ve decided tomorrow to finally contact a couples counselor to work on some issues.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. And I think you knew that when you were typing this out, to be totally honest. The moment he said ‘it was a little hurtful’ you don’t get to say anything or defend yourself. What you said hurt him. End of story.
Saying ‘not everyone was supposed to hear it’ is a very ‘I knew it was mean’ cover line, don’t you think? If it wasn’t meant for everyone to hear (because you knew it was rude/out of pocket to say) then it was intended to be hurtful/gossip/a jape which only you thought was funny.
The MOMENT someone tells you something you said/did hurt them, you don’t get to tell them they’re blowing it out of proportion. Period. You apologize for your words/actions, not try and justify doing it.” illogical101
Another User Comments:
“You’re diminishing his accomplishments and that’s flat-out hurtful.
The way he explained why he was hurt was perfect and any nice person would have just apologized. It really doesn’t matter how long you’ve been singing or how many cakes he has made, you shouldn’t be putting your spouse down to other people ever.
Whether the cakes looked good or not really doesn’t matter, the question was about baking, if the cakes your husband makes are edible and taste good then he isn’t ‘trying’ he is baking. Decorating is a different set of skills and I think it’s great that he has the patience to let the kids help, that’s something I struggle with, and if they weren’t helping they would probably look better so that’s really not on him at all.
To me, it sounds like you put him down often to make yourself seem better than him. You don’t bake at all but your husband ‘tries’ which really implies he fails at it. I’m not even sure why you mention it at all, the question was do you bake, she didn’t ask about your husband.
Actually, that gave you the perfect opportunity to brag about him but by adding that one word you did the exact opposite!
I have a bunch of siblings so a bunch of brothers-in-law and one sister-in-law. If I see or hear one of my siblings mistreating their spouse I don’t go bashing them in public or go to my in-law and tell them all about it but when I get a private moment with my sibling I will address it with them.
I hold them accountable for their actions just like they do me, it makes us better people. Now if it was a common occurrence and they weren’t hearing me when I talked to them privately I absolutely would start calling them out on it and I would show support to my in-law.
When they married my sibling they became my family too so I will back them up if I need to.
I get the feeling your sister has watched you put your husband down for a long time and she’s sick of it.
YTJ, OP treat your spouse better or someone else will.
Maybe your sister.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. He doesn’t try to bake cakes. He does bake cakes. While your sister does seem to try and make you seem worse, it seems like you have a habit of putting your foot in your mouth. There’s still time to fix this as all you have to do is apologize for insulting his baking skills and work to better the way you speak about him and others.
It’s normal to feel attacked when someone calls you out but you need to push that feeling down for just a moment and apologize. You can mention that though you feel attacked for the call out, you understand that you were unintentionally hurting people.” FeelinQMiteDeleteL8r
1. AITJ For Telling My Dad's Wife That I Own The House She's Living In?
“My (29F) dad married a woman named Maria a year ago after being together for 4 years. My dad wanted to buy a larger house for them to live in but couldn’t afford it without selling the home he lived in at the time, which is a unique property that he dearly loves.
Although I now live abroad, I like the area he lives in and my husband offered to buy a house there that my dad and Maria could live in. My dad agreed to this on the proviso that we do not tell Maria that it wasn’t him who paid for the house.
This made no difference to me so I agreed and the house they live in is in my name, and they live there. I never planned to tell her.
Recently, I went back to my home country and decided to stay with my dad for half my time there.
The whole time, Maria made it clear I was an inconvenience and that my doing things with my dad was annoying to her, but I’m not a confrontational person, and I don’t react too much, so I let it go. However, two days before I was due to leave, she came into my room and saw that I had my dad’s dog on the bed. Now, this is a dog that my dad has had since before he met Maria and that I raised. Maria doesn’t allow him on her bed which is fine, but I’ve always had him sleep on mine.
She flipped out, saying this was the final straw, that she’d had enough of me disrespecting her in her own home, and I had to leave.
I tried to de-escalate the situation, saying we should just wait for my dad and sit down and talk this out, but she was adamant that I had to leave and that she had the authority to make me.
After several minutes of me trying to explain to her that it was absurd of her to try and kick me out of my dad’s house without talking to him, she said that what she said went, and since she married my dad this is technically her house.
I just chuckled and said since my name is on the deed, it’s technically my house, but there’s no need to get technical, we should just wait for my dad. She was shocked and left the room. When my dad came back, I told him what happened, and he went to speak to her.
There was a shouting match, and she didn’t speak to either of us until I left two days later.
My dad is mad I told her, which I get, but since then I’ve also got texts from her kids saying I was the jerk for telling her and making her feel like a guest in the house.
This isn’t the case, she isn’t a guest, she’s a tenant, but so is my DAD and the only point I was trying to make was that she didn’t have any business trying to kick me out of my father’s house, let alone my own property.
I didn’t take it there until she did. That said, maybe I should have just left the ownership out and let my dad handle it.
EDIT: Maria doesn’t pay rent, so I don’t know if that makes her a tenant, technically. If it does, then as a landlord I’m pretty sure I have legal recourse over the remodeling she did without notifying me or my approval. And anyway, I wasn’t there as a landlord, I was there as a guest of another ‘tenant’, and actually, she did have several weeks’ notice I was coming in any case.
I’m sure it’s a legal rabbit hole, but the only reason I used the word ‘tenant’ is to say that since she lives there she isn’t a guest in the home.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – She internally struggled with wanting you to do what she wanted. It escalated due to her need to be ‘the boss’ in her house – ‘You disrespect me in my house.’ You were gracious to allow her to save face several times.
You offered options (call my dad). This type of personality will lose it once they know they don’t have control. You did not ‘make her feel’ anything.’ She created this situation. You again are gracious to allow them to enjoy a beautiful home. Maybe she feels deceived by your father.
The children need to pipe down. It was your first visit and she was not cordial to you.” DesertSong-LaLa
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – This whole arrangement from the outset was a recipe for disaster. Did your father think she’d never ever find out?
What happens if he were to die? She’d think the house was hers and she’d be doubly devastated when she found out it wasn’t.
No good deed goes unpunished. You did something nice for your dad, you agree to lie for him, she harasses you and tells you to leave – and he’s mad at YOU?
You agreed to keep up the charade, basically making them both believe it was his house. You really didn’t see that imploding at some point? This is why you should never mix real estate and family.
I think you should tell him that since this is no longer working out, he should find his own place for him and his wife where they’ll be happier.” SammyLoops1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your dad was for lying to his wife, but that’s on him. Your SMIL was all kinds of jerk for pretty obvious reasons. It sounds like you did try to abide by the spirit of your agreement with your father, but some people just won’t let others give them an easy way out and continue to throw rocks until they bring an avalanche down on themselves.
She was trying to get you gone so she could then tell your dad whatever story she chose to and you wouldn’t be there to contradict. Her kids are just her flying monkeys and have no voice/status in this, just ignore them.” Dipping_My_Toes
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
The true jerk is her dad for lying to his wife. Who owns the home is a big deal, and if he couldn’t tell her the truth about their housing situation, he should not have married her. He also leaves her no way to plan for if he predeceased her.
Not very nice or caring.
Your father’s wife was clearly overreacting and being rude to a guest. No reason to make you unwelcome.
You also were being a jerk. You really needed the dog on the bed? Who was going to wash the sheets? Even if you own the home, they do live there and they have a right to have that respected. The legality is secondary, just be considerate.
Not sure if you are a jerk for telling her, she deserved to know, but certainly, your actions helped being the situation to a head.” RevenueNo9164
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