People Demand To Know "Am I The Jerk?" In These Situations
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Change My Last Name?
“My mother passed away before I was ten. My uncle (mother’s elder brother) took me in and raised me because my father by then had already started a new life and a new family.
My uncle treated me very well, though I’m not sure if my aunt feels the same about me as he did. My uncle and aunt had an only son who is around my age, and what he had, I had too.
For example, if my uncle got my cousin a laptop, he would get me one too, and they would be the same worth. My uncle even got me a car for my 18th birthday. My cousin also treated me just like his own brother.
Needless to say, I am very grateful to have them in my life. Everything I have and that I am, is owed to them.
However, my relationship with my uncle has hit a slight snag recently.
In my culture, it’s usually the parents who will help with purchasing a home for their sons when they get married. The reason is because people in my culture tend to marry young, but most of the time we would not have worked long enough to save up enough for even the down payment.
For a man not to have a marital home is considered a disadvantage and the women’s family may not accept the proposed union. So a man having a marital home is very important.
In my case, because my mother has passed away and my father is an absent parent, my uncle and aunt are my de-facto parents. Indeed, my uncle said he would buy me a marital home.
However, he has set a condition for that – I have to change my last name to his.
Last names are a big deal in my culture so this is not something that is taken lightly. My uncle said since he’s been like a father to me rather than my own father, and also as a remembrance to my mother, I should change my last name to his (which is also my mother’s).
So basically, no change in the last name = no marital home.
I expressed to him that this is an unfair demand because like I said, last names are a huge deal in my culture and a change could trigger uncomfortable questions from people. But my uncle insisted that if I refuse to change my last name I would have to buy the marital home on my own, which is impossible because I’m a fresh grad and it could take me YEARS to even save up for the down payment.
This could seriously set me back in terms of a romantic relationship and future marriage. Because of our disagreement, things between my uncle and I have become awkward.
So far, my aunt and cousin have not said anything to me, but a group of close friends whom I have confided to told me I’m the jerk.
I’m surprised by their reaction because other than this I had never gone against my uncle.
I am also very thankful to my uncle and what he had done for me, and I would gladly take up the responsibility alongside my cousin to take care of him in his old age. It is just that I really don’t think I should be forced into making a fundamental identity change and be punished for not doing it. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
He’s done everything for you out of kindness, but he’s not obligated to do everything for you. He’s not your actual father, so he’s not duty-bound to help you with your house. If you think he is duty-bound, then he is your father, and you should understand why he wants you to share his name. You can’t have it both ways.” readshannontierney
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – It sounds like you are in a culture where face is very important, as are familial ties and status.
Your uncle is willing to put himself out there and do for you what a father would do, it’s reasonable for him to want to “adopt” you and share in your future success.
It is also reasonable for you to want to hold on to your family’s name, but that choice has consequences too. Your uncle does not owe you a marital home, your uncle does not owe you the kindness he’s showing, so do not take it for granted.
If you do not want to protect his face and let him share your success, you have a moral duty to refuse the offer and say you are honored, but want to make your own way.” talanton
Another User Comments:
“Where I live (the US) the culture is different, so it’s hard for me put myself in either your or your uncle’s shoes for this.
Where I live parents do not normally buy houses for their children, people get married without owning a house, buying a house is a huge deal, and changing a last name is a big deal but not nearly as big as a house.
From my perspective, this is either ESH or YTJ, but I’ll go with the latter because you really sound entitled.
Your uncle does not have to buy you a house. He’s already done more than many would expect an uncle to do. His last name is your mother’s last name, so it is actually part of your identity too. And although the stipulation he’s made is harsh, so is expecting him to buy you a house.
Meanwhile your biological father – the one whose last name you have – has done jack crap.
He did nothing for you in your time of need when your mother passed away. He abandoned you.
I get that changing your last name is a big deal, but no one’s forcing you to do it. And your uncle is NOT “punishing” you. He expects you to fully embrace his side of the family – your mother’s side of the family – if you expect to get a house.
If you don’t think a free house and honoring your mother and uncle is worth “uncomfortable questions from people,” you’re a jerk.” witcher_rat
15. AITJ For Flying First Class While My Husband Flew Coach?
In no way is this okay.
“My husband’s (33m) company recently chose him to attend a conference in Miami. They chose just him and a few of his co-workers out of a ton of candidates so it was quite the honor. The company told them that they were allowed to bring their spouses/partners but that they wouldn’t be springing for plane tickets for us, so if they wanted to bring us they’d have to buy tickets out of their own pockets.
My husband asked me (32f) if I wanted to go and I emphatically told him that I did; I’d never been to Florida in my life and I thought it’d be a fun trip.
He told me “great,” but when we went to the website to buy tickets, he asked if I’d be OK with flying coach even though he’d be flying first class on the way there–coach on the way home.
I asked him why we couldn’t just fly together and he replied, “First class is just so expensive. I feel bad, but we just can’t afford it, especially if we want to go out and have fun in Miami. The flight is only a few hours.”
This really, really bothered me. I understood that a first-class ticket for me would strain our budget a bit, but what kind of a man lives it up in first class while his wife sits in coach? I asked him just that and he responded “Come on.
I’m taking you along on my work trip. I earned my first-class seat by working hard. It’s my reward.” But I insisted that if we truly couldn’t afford a first-class seat for me (we could have; it would have hurt a little but we could have) that he as a gentleman should give up his seat for me. We argued but he ultimately agreed to give me his seat.
We had a good time in Miami but he’s been a little mad at me since, saying that he earned his first-class seat; that it was free and cost us nothing unlike my plane ticket, and that I should have just let him enjoy what he’d earned instead of “guilting him out of it.” I think he’s being a baby and that he should have put his wife’s comfort above his own, especially since he made the choice to be cheap.
We’re very close to his parents so we’ve taken this argument to them for mediation but they are split; his father agrees with me that he wasn’t being a gentleman while his mother thinks that he earned his first-class seat and that I should have let him have it. So I’ll ask all of you, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, and I’m so surprised you think you’re not here.
If you’re sticking to outdated gender norms of “a gentleman gives up his seat for a lady,” then do you also fetch him his slippers and a stiff drink when he gets home wearing your best lipstick?
He is 100% right, he earned that seat. His work gifted him, first class, because of his work – not yours. The fact that he even agreed to allow you to do this shows you what a good person he is to put up with that kind of behavior, so I would promptly apologize for acting spoilt if I was in your position.
And perhaps you could give up something you would love for his benefit sometime.” moonsherbet
Another User Comments:
“YTJ this was his work trip, with his colleagues, so you sat in first class with his work colleagues? While he sat on his own in coach. It was a work trip, not a holiday, you were lucky to even get to go at all, he should have sat in his hard-earned first-class seat with his colleagues and have been able to discuss work-related things with his colleagues, after all, it was his work trip.
Instead of being happy for him and letting him enjoy his work trip with his colleagues, you showed yourself to be a first-class witch, selfish and making it all about you.
Hope he takes his next trip alone. If you’re being like that over the flight seats, I can only imagine how the rest of the trip went.” Necrolady
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. How dare you.
This trip was about HIM and celebrating HIS achievements that he worked hard for and instead of supporting him you threw a fit and made it about you just because you didn’t want to ride coach for a few hours. You didn’t have to come on the trip at all, and it sounded like since you had never been to FL, your husband wanted to make sure you had a wonderful time by budgeting responsibly and sensibly for it. You really couldn’t have just put your own feelings aside for one flight? Your behavior was very self-centered and immature, and you sound a little spoiled if this is your mentality.” nemocognito
14. AITJ For Being Upset About The Birthday Gift My Husband Got Me?
“My 39th birthday was last week. Months ago I was talking with my mom about a part of our state that I love to visit and she mentioned that she has never been there. I told her we should go together sometime and we started planning it. We ended up deciding on going there for my birthday. During the planning we realized that my mom, my brother, and I had never been on a trip together, just the 3 of us, so we invited my brother too.
My husband was fully supportive of us taking this trip and would be staying home with our 3-year-old son and our dog.
Before we left last week my husband gave me the gifts he bought me for my birthday. He got me some comfy pajamas, a sun hat, and some good wine and cheese to bring with me on the trip. Normally, I would be totally OK with that gift as we don’t really splurge on bday gifts anymore.
But he had been talking about getting me a smartwatch and new luggage for my trip ever since we started planning it.
He knows I can be kind of picky about gifts as I have exchanged some of the gifts he’s got me in the past for different colors or options. But this time I told him to just pick something out for me as I want those things for the trip.
He offered instead to go shopping with me so that I could pick out exactly what I want because if I take them on the trip and don’t like them, it’s not likely I could return or exchange them. I thought that was a good idea, but life got busy and before I knew it, it was the week of our trip and we hadn’t had a chance to actually go shopping together.
So the time comes for us to leave and part of me was expecting my husband to surprise me with a new watch or weekend bag, but he didn’t. I admit I was pretty disappointed that he didn’t take the initiative to just get me those things on his own. I tried not to let it bother me during the trip, but it was always kind of in the back of my mind.
After we got back, I mentioned to him that I was disappointed that he didn’t get me the watch and bag like he said he would. He told me that he thought we had agreed to do it together but I told him he knew how busy we were and it wouldn’t have been much effort for him to just do it on his own.
He got offended and told me that I just spent thousands of dollars on a nice, relaxing trip with my family while he stayed home and took care of everything, and I’m complaining about a watch and a bag? I told him that he knew how much I was looking forward to having those items for my trip and I’m just disappointed that he didn’t realize that and take the opportunity to do something special for me.
He apologized for “ruining my trip” but I know it wasn’t sincere and he was just telling me what he thinks I want to hear. I offered to go shopping with him sometime to pick them out and he told me to just go do it myself.
Now I feel like crap and I know he’s mad at me for being ungrateful for the things he did get me and for allowing me the opportunity to have a trip like that with my family.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Receiving gifts for your birthday is a privilege, not a right. It sounds like he already got some expensive stuff for your b-day, and all you can do is complain that there wasn’t a fancy new watch waiting for you? I don’t care if you were busy; if you needed the things that bad before your trip you could have got them yourself.
You should always show your appreciation for a gift, whether you like it or not. The fact that he was supportive of you going on a holiday without him makes it even worse as well. How is he supposed to know that you now expect him to buy you a watch if you just don’t tell him?? Communicate with him that you want him to go get a watch instead of going shopping together to get a gift that you are satisfied with (which is ridiculous anyway) or, like the grown-up that you are, just go and buy it yourself if you really want it.
This post reeks of ‘I’m only with my husband for the finances, and when daddy doesn’t get me the nice expensive gifts that I demand, I’ll throw a tantrum.” Networth-
Another User Comments:
“You’re picky and return stuff. He knows this so he suggested you shop together for the luggage. You agreed and then didn’t bother to follow through.
Since you agreed it was better to shop for those items yourself, hubby did not buy them on his own.
Instead, he bought you what even you say you would be typically happy with and wouldn’t be risky as far as returns.
Was he supposed to nag you to come luggage shopping? Give me a break.
There are a lot of spouses who wouldn’t have got you ANYTHING for your birthday since it was already agreed that you would choose your own gift.
And yet your hubby quietly did this nice birthday thing for you.
YTJ.” throwaway20698059
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. And not a soft one either. You accused him of ruining your trip because you didn’t get the material goods you wanted? He got you thoughtful gifts and took care of your child while you went on vacation and you are complaining? Really?
This isn’t okay. He probably feels doomed to fail at this point.
You’ve exchanged gifts in the past, showing him his thoughtfulness isn’t good enough, and now you set up high and unclear expectations and then chastised him for not meeting them. He got you very sweet and appropriate gifts and got berated for it. You are an adult, therefore having a temper tantrum because Santa didn’t bring you a pony is just petty.” _-cephalopod-_
13. AITJ For Keeping My Ex Mother-In-Law In My And My Son's Lives?
“My (37F) husband (Oliver) died in a car crash 8 years ago, at age 31. The only reason I could keep on my feet back then was because of my parents’ and Oliver’s mother’s support. Just to say a few things she’s done for us: she helped us financially while I looked for a better-paying job after Oliver died, she takes care of my son (10M) whenever he’s sick and I have to go to work, she cooks extra portions of food for us when she prepares meals she knows I or my son like…
She never asks for or expects anything in return. She is a genuinely good person and I’m happy she is in our lives. She’s a widow too and Oliver was an only child, so we are her only family. We see her on a regular basis and we really enjoy each other’s company.
The thing is, I met this guy (40M, Pete) at work 4 years ago.
We started seeing each other about a year after we met each other and we got engaged two months ago. After our engagement, Pete suggested that my son and his mother (66F, Carla) should meet. I thought it was a good idea since they would spend time together after we got married. Carla and my son have met three times this past two months, all of them at Pete’s house for dinner, Pete and I were there too.
The last time was last night and it all went down. Since the moment they first met, Carla has been really pushy trying to force a bond between them (giving him presents, asking him to kiss her hello and goodbye even if my son looked uncomfortable), so yesterday I politely asked her to stop doing that. She told me that I was being very rude to her and that maybe I should help by “teaching” my son to treat her as a grandmother.
I told her that I don’t have to teach my son to do anything and that he would come to see her as a grandma when and IF he wanted. She scoffed and said that would never happen if we kept seeing my “dead husband’s mother”, and suggested that we should stop seeing her since having three grandmas would only confuse my kid.
I was shocked and I said I would never kick Oliver’s mom out of our lives, first of all, cause she’s my son’s real grandma, and he adores her and that should be reason enough, and second of all, cause she’s a good person and I want her in our lives. I took my child and left Pete’s house.
Pete called later last night and told me I had been really rude to Carla and I should apologize, that she only wants to have a grandma-like relationship with my son.
I told him I would like that too, but I’m not shutting Oliver’s mom out. Then he says that I’m being very unreasonable and that my relationship with my former MIL is unhealthy and that I’m blinded by my emotions.
I’m actually rethinking our whole relationship and engagement.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think deep down you know it, based on this statement alone: “I’m actually rethinking our whole relationship and engagement.”
Have there been any other red flags in this relationship? If this situation is the first, then maybe you and Pete can work things out.
But I think it’s extremely unlikely.
But usually, when an SO starts saying things like “you’re unreasonable” and attempts to make you apologize for ‘hurting feelings’ for standing your ground, there is no turning back for me. It’s usually a sign of worse things to come. You were advocating for yourself, your MIL, and your son. There is nothing unreasonable about that.
Pete seems like a complete momma’s boy and doesn’t have a backbone of his own to stand with his SO (YOU) to advocate for and with you.” Savbav
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d seriously be rethinking this relationship with your partner because he’s choosing to side with his mom and thinks that it’s ok for her to try and force a relationship with a 10yr old and for the pair of them to push his paternal grandmother so that she can take over the role of grandmother of the year, and your partner doesn’t want her around so he can stake a claim on his territory over you and your son.
At the end of the day, she’s his grandmother and that’s not going to change at all, and they both need to realize that they have no say in the matter. Make your son and yourself your main priorities and tell them to grow up and accept that she will always be a part of your lives and that’s not going to change and forcing the issue will be and for them both.” G8RTOAD
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
My partner’s mom is an AMAZING grandma and she and I are best friends. If he and I were to not work out, I would NEVER cut her out of our lives. If ANY man tried to get me to cut her out to please HIS mom, fit would hit the shan. And then for him to say you wouldn’t be with me if Oliver was alive. Uh… NO CRAP! He was your husband that you were madly in love with and had a child with. I’m so glad you decided to leave and I’m so happy that you have an amazing grandma to your son and that you have a great relationship with her.” Few_Ad_862
12. AITJ For Choosing My Daughter's Future Career For Her?
“My daughter (17f) has always been a smart girl. She has a huge potential future available for her. She has the ability to become one of the greatest data scientists ever. It’s an incredibly rewarding job for her, especially since technology is the way to go for the future and the country we live in is expensive. As a computer scientist myself, I’ve always loved my job.
However, she does not want to be one. I’ve been influencing her since she was 10. She was initially excited but doesn’t want to anymore. She took 2 tech classes in grades 9 and 10 and she isn’t taking one in 11th or 12th grade. She says that she wants to be a psychologist and now wants to have a business major.
I don’t think it’s a right fit for her, the former because she doesn’t have the social skills needed to become a psychologist (she’s autistic). Heck, she couldn’t handle her brothers well, how is she supposed to deal with adults with psychological issues? The latter as well because it involves dealing with people that can be immature as heck. Also, she took a business course in grade 10 and she ended up not liking it, so why would she take an entire university program?
Yesterday, we sat down and were looking at potential programs.
She picked a few from bachelor of commerce programs. I tried pushing her to pick the bachelor of computer science program. In the end, she asked if I would support her no matter what she picks. I laughed and told her not to give me a scare. “So it’s a no then?” she asked. I told her that she can take her highlighter, highlight the programs she’s interested in, and we can discuss.
She said that I criticize every program that isn’t tech related. I tried convincing her that the tech field is a very rewarding field and she is smart and capable and then she snapped.
She said that she doesn’t care if it’s a gold mine and she’s capable enough to handle it, she hates the computer tech field and I’ve been forcing her to do it for a long time.
She says it’s her future, not mine, and not everyone wants to be a tech scientist. She asked how I feel if my father tried to push me into the law field since it’s a rewarding job despite me having no interest in social sciences. Then she stormed out.
At that point, I realize that I may have pushed her too hard.
I just want her to have a bright future and no struggles, But I guess went about it the wrong way.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Please stop this. You will damage her future and your relationship with her if you don’t.
My job means I spend a lot of time dealing with students whose parents are forcing them to study Engineering. Some of them can power through.
Many can’t, are miserable, and end up dropping out.
Parents often have outdated ideas about what will lead to success for their kids. If your daughter has goals, do not get in the way. She’ll work much harder and do better if she is doing something she cares about. Also, she’ll know better than you which fields provide jobs.
This is something you want her to do because of you.
My guess is that you want to have a daughter who has a certain profession because of how it will make you feel about yourself.
Her interactions with her brothers have nothing to do with how she’ll do in a job.
She is not aiming to do something crazy or so competitive that she is unlikely to succeed. There are many opportunities in the field she’s interested in.
You need to back off. This is her future, not yours.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, forcing your daughter into a difficult field she doesn’t enjoy because she “could be an amazing scientist” is just cruel. It’s a very difficult program that requires a lot of effort and will just lead to your daughter resenting you.
As for the reasons why she couldn’t be a psychologist, having autism doesn’t mean she can’t do so since she would have a framework to work with when she interacts with her patients.
As an autistic person myself I find that the field of psychology requires more people who understand what the people using their services go through.
Listen to what your daughter’s been telling you for years if you don’t want her to resent you in the future when she’s putting in 60 hours of schoolwork for a degree she hates.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Big.
You are doubting your daughter’s capabilities and I feel so sad for her. You LAUGHED at her when she asked if you’d support her decision no matter what. That is horrible, horrible—you are her mother. A parent who thinks they know what’s best for their kid and makes decisions for them = an adult who is unsure of themselves and looks for others to validate their decisions.
It is dreadful. You have essentially shamed her—shame leads to depression.
She’s only 17 and hasn’t even started college yet, for crying out loud. There are many routes to take within psychology and she might discover that therapy, or psychology as a whole, isn’t something she’s interested in. Re: the business major—it sounds like she is challenging herself. For instance, I wanted to study psychology and become a therapist when I entered college.
My mom did not encourage me. So I chose to study marketing/communication because I’m creative and wanted to make $$$. I’ve had a career as a social media manager, and 10 years later, I’m miserable, burnt out, and…looking to make a career change to be a therapist. Happiness > income.
You should applaud your daughter. Support her all the way. Encourage her. Give her opportunities to learn and grow.” Sarelbar
11. AITJ For Wanting To Take My Child's Mother To Court?
“I (34m) share a beautiful 3-year-old daughter with my ex (33f) of 10 years. We broke up (amicably) right at the beginning of 2020, and due to restrictions in the UK at the time (moving house was not allowed), she moved back temporarily to her mom’s in Ireland while I sold our flat. We both thought the move would last maybe a few weeks, but obviously, it didn’t.
2 years on and she is still there. She always told me she would come back (basically a holiday) as I never gave permission for our daughter to be moved abroad permanently.
Ever since the end of last year, I have been asking when she will move back (just so you know, she is not Irish. Only her mum lives there after meeting a new partner).
And she kept telling me “soon.” I don’t want to pressure her or be mean for the sake of our daughter so up until now I have not pushed it. Instead, I travel every month and rent a car and air BnB so that I can see my daughter. It’s expensive, but it’s necessary and we have a great relationship.
Last month she admitted that she has no plans to come back any time soon, and I spent the whole weekend crying.
I miss my daughter every day. I miss out on so much, and face timing every day is just not the same. I want to be with her. My ex promised last year that I would be able to take her on a holiday this summer to see my parents, but she then decided no. My parents are elderly and would struggle with the long journey.
I’m not allowed to see her at Christmas or Easter, and the jury’s still out for her birthday.
I’ve tried to make everything as amicable as possible. I gave her half of the payment from the flat (that I paid for). Give whatever payment she asks for each month and always plan my visits around her schedule. I figured if I was nice she would be more receptive to moving back.
I’m also so scared of her cutting contact.
I had thought about moving to Ireland, but it would be difficult with visas (bloody Brexit), jobs, and finances. Also, I think my ex is just waiting to get a new partner before moving (they currently live in the middle of nowhere and it’s very boring but rent-free) and if I moved there, there’s nothing stopping her from moving back again and then I would be stuck.
I have a new partner (30f) who has been incredibly supportive. She suggested getting advice from a lawyer so that I have visitation in writing and so I can take my daughter to visit her family. I’m scared of making things worse and traumatizing our daughter but I can’t continue like this. Would I be the jerk if I took my ex to court?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you did wrong not going to court to begin with to get a custody agreement.
Allowing anyone to take your daughter out of the country without that is really foolish. You absolutely need to go to court. She will one day move on with a partner, might get married, might have other kids and you get stuck in limbo. She could marry someone and go live in America etc., and you have zero legal rights secured and she is out of UK law jurisdiction.
Going to court to agree on custody has no impact on your child – it doesn’t traumatize her. Not regularly seeing her father is what is traumatizing. She’s defacto had full-time custody and the longer you leave it the more they say the child is used to it.
You go via the court and you try and get joint custody, and request she is returned to the UK.
Can the lawyers even serve her if she is in Ireland and not N.I? Is there a way of getting her to bring your daughter back to the UK to see you and then serving her and stopping her from leaving the country? Most divorced parents sharing custody have to get written permission from the other parent to leave the country on holiday etc.
You are her father and you have absolutely every right to get joint custody if you want it, or otherwise weekends and holidays and to make sure she is living in the UK and close to you and her place of birth and that she doesn’t travel without your permission. And you shouldn’t be the one incurring the full costs of being able to see her.
Shop around for a good lawyer, don’t just go for the first you speak to. Ask people for recommendations, find online social media groups or forums on Reddit of fathers like yourself seeking custody and get advice and recommendations of lawyers. Speak to a lawyer next time you are in Ireland to see how it plays out there too. It’s tricky once your kid is in another legal jurisdiction.
Best bet is to get your daughter in the UK and then get the courts to hold off travel under custody is agreed.” Big__Bang
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Stop being a doormat. The mother of your child has gotten everything she wants out of you. She seems to just want the finances and not have you bother them anymore.
The time to get a lawyer has long since passed.
Good grief, fight for your rights with your daughter and STOP giving anything until a legal decree has been set.
Fight for full custody. That way you will get a decent amount. Whatever you ask for, you are likely to get way less since you allowed this to get too far.
Why are you ‘scared’? Just get a shark of a lawyer and tell them everything, every broken promise, and lie.
Don’t warn your ex.” Maybeidontknow99
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You 100% need to take your ex to court and work out a custody schedule. You have to decide what you want too. Do you want to go for custody? Or are you happy with just visitation? Get a lawyer and discuss with him what is the best option.
The fact your ex moved to Ireland and you never gave permission for her to do that permanently with your daughter, could work in your favor.
The fact your ex thinks she has the right to veto you taking your daughter on holidays or thinks she has the final say on everything, means you MUST take it to court and get a formal agreement in place, that affords you a 50/50 say in decisions, regarding your daughter.” KarenMaca
10. AITJ For Going Off On My Aunt For Not Accepting My Child's Gender-Neutral Pronouns?
“I (42F) have an aunt (70) who I had a great relationship with. My child, Tony (20) identifies as they/them. In October 2021, Tony wasn’t feeling well and went to the doctor, and they found a mass inside their heart the size of a lime. Tony needed emergency open-heart surgery to remove the mass. Shortly after surgery, a large blood clot developed in their heart, and the doctors had to re-open their chest to remove it.
It was the scariest experience of my life. I’m a single mom and the only one with me was Tony’s partner, who was 18. During surgery I texted our family to let them know what was happening. The only thing my aunt said to me was, “It is really stupid to use a plural pronoun for a single person. Just saying.” I told her it was not the goshdarn time for that, and if that is all she had to say then she could keep her darn mouth shut.
She said my text was gibberish (it wasn’t, I’ve reread it and even in crisis I’m well-spoken when I write, that’s why I texted instead of calling) and thoughts and prayers were with Tony. I said “Tony identifies as they/them. You have no compassion and I’ll thank you not to speak with me again. You think I need this crap from you right now? They almost freaking died today, you witch.”
Well, that was nearly a year ago and I have not heard from her since.
We soon learned that the tumor was caused by a very rare, very aggressive form of heart cancer. Tony has had months of grueling chemotherapy and radiation. As of right now, they are cancer free. This type of cancer has a 60% return rate and no one who’s ever had it has lived longer than 8 years, so we’re trying to help Tony recover and rebuild their life and are also constantly terrified it will come back.
During all of this, she’s never reached out to apologize to either of us or ask about Tony’s recovery. My other family members said she’s asked them about Tony once or twice, but I asked them to tell her if she wants to know about my kid she can talk to me.
The issue where I could be the jerk is that my aunt has some early signs of dementia.
Her symptoms are memory issues, sometimes forgetting where she’s going when driving and such, and that’s it so I don’t feel like that’s an excuse. She lives on her own, volunteers, has an active social life, communicates well, and is incredibly charismatic. I don’t feel like I’m ever going to get an apology or any kind of closure from her. I know I don’t want to invite her back into our lives until she’s apologized.
I also don’t think I was in the wrong, as regardless of your politics there is a time and a place for that conversation and that was not it. I also know she’s getting older and doesn’t have a lot of time left. I’m still incredibly hurt by what she did and that she has not cared enough to reach out to us, but I did tell her not to speak to me again so maybe that’s on me.
The thought that I may have overreacted is just adding to my stress so, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – For saying what you said in the hospital. It was a stressful situation and you didn’t need to hear that remark at the time. You’re right she should have been more compassionate. I get why you said the things you did…
Some people don’t get the they/them pronouns (as we were taught it’s used for plural and meant for 2 or more people), and she is 70, so I wonder if she maybe didn’t understand at the time. But at the end of the day even if she thought it was because of bad grammar, that wasn’t the time to bring it up.
On her reaching out part… You did tell her never to speak to you again and seem mad/upset that she now isn’t speaking to you. She’s just doing what she was told at this point. And I wonder if she’s expecting an apology from you because of how you blew up at the situation. I’m not saying you owe her one I’m just wondering if that’s where this has gotten to? Neither is talking to the other because they both think they are owed an apology.
I’m so sorry that you and Tony are going through this. Prayers for both of you.” judgingA-holes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Those weren’t remarks that could be blamed on dementia. If she had used Tony’s original pronouns or name (assuming there was a different one before), or had legitimately been confused by a plural pronoun, that would be dementia, and I’m sure you would have responded kindly understanding that her own mind was betraying her.
That was a lucid, bigoted insult to your potentially dying child and you had every right to shut it down. May Tony thrive and do well and live the life of their best dreams!” ThreeDogs2022
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. from someone else who uses they/them pronouns, thank you for advocating for your child when they weren’t able to, your aunt is heartless and chose to ignore the life-threatening situation Tony was in just so she could come after the way they identify.
Like what!? She clearly knew what she was doing and was probably waiting for an excuse to say what she said, she clearly knows and already had a problem with the pronouns because most people wouldn’t even bat an eye at someone being referred to as singular “they” over text, everyone uses it in conversation on a day to day basis without realizing it just talking about someone whose gender they don’t know.
She specifically has a problem with the way they identify. You and your child not giving her the time of day now and you calling her a witch are simply the consequences of her actions.
My thoughts are with you and Tony, and I hope they’re coping okay with all of this and that cancer doesn’t come back, take care of yourselves.” monomxnia
9. AITJ For Admitting I Don't Like The Christmas Presents My Husband Gets Me?
“My husband and I have been married 15 years and together a few more years, so long time. I love the man and he is most of the time a thoughtful dude. He is a major procrastinator though, and this is a problem every year at Christmas. We live far from family, so always have to mail or order gifts early.
My husband thinks of custom, thoughtful things for people like a week before Christmas, they don’t make it there in time, then he panic orders something else that might be late, etc.. every year!! He also gets upset since a lot of the gifts for our kids are from me, but I just order them in time so I have trouble feeling bad about that.
So, this year I started talking about what to get people, telling him we should brainstorm together, and trying to help. This morning, I mentioned getting started and said, “this will be good, we won’t have to buy crappy mall gifts a few days before.” He asked me if I meant the gifts he buys me, and I said, “well ya…” This really set him off on a tirade about how ungrateful of a person I was and how thoughtful he is and how my gifts are awful even if they are on time.
I really was surprised. I told him I didn’t think this would be an issue and it was a flaw he’s had for years that I thought he knew about – like, we talk about it and crisis manage his purchases every December so how can he be surprised? That made him madder. I’m not sure why I’m the jerk here since this is clearly a him problem.
I’m not sure how I could have been nicer about it – am I just expected to smile at my last-minute mall finds for the rest of my life?
In past years, I have mentioned things like, “maybe just one, nicer gift for me instead of the many little things.” Or, “I like things I wouldn’t buy for myself, maybe not things I could just go get.” Or, “that one year when you got me those earrings, I really liked them.”
This is the first year I have been so direct, so maybe that is why he is so upset…
but maybe this is how other family members feel about getting his last-minute gifts, too?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I can’t stand a person who gives a thoughtless gift. I love giving gifts. And I spent so much time finding unique handmade things usually on Etsy because I love Etsy to give people. They always love my gifts.
My sister’s husband goes out at 5 PM every Christmas Eve to look for a Christmas gift for her.
She always gets crap or nothing. One year, I felt so bad, I just bought her a gift and put his name on it, and lo and behold, he had bought her nothing. But she doesn’t know that. And that’s the only year she got a good gift.” ughfl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like you tried to gently inform him. To me, it sounds like he recognizes that he is falling short and projecting his guilt onto you.
Also – YEP I bet his family hates the last-minute kitschy things he gives as presents.
I am rather old-fashioned and feel like a gift should show consideration of the giftee and their wants and needs. I have a SIL who gives me gift cards – I HATE shopping. I told my husband it feels to me like she means “Buy your own darned gift.” I have sosoo many cards piled up, I even end up giving them to other family members and friends that like to shop.
Frustrating.” Huge_Industry_1259
Another User Comments:
“ESH, though nothing extreme. You’re not TJ for wanting to ask him to stop buying last-minute gifts, or telling him you’d appreciate more thought put into them. You are a little bit of a jerk for the almost flippant way in which you said you thought his gifts were crap. It’s easy to understand how someone would become instantly defensive about that.
Meanwhile, he’s not TJ for buying last-minute gifts. That can be a difference in expectations about gifts, but buying last-minute gifts is not inherently being TJ. He is a bit of a jerk, as your husband, for not being more responsive to your previously expressed views about said gifts, and should have at least made more effort regarding your gift. Not in general as a person, but as your husband.
So, again, ESH, weighted toward your husband a bit more. You clearly have different priorities as to how important the ‘right’ Christmas gifts are, and it’s important that you don’t go into a conversation with the attitude that your belief about gifts is the objectively correct one. Mall gifts are not ‘crappy’ to everyone. But your husband should also respect your wishes a bit more, at least when it comes to buying gifts for you, and be willing to put in the extra effort for something that’s not important to him because it is for you.
As with many things, you need to talk it out when things have cooled down a bit. Personally, I’d start with something like “I’m sorry that I said it so flippantly, but your procrastination of buying gifts, and not always putting more thought into it, bothers me and makes me feel a tiny bit less valued. I understand that it may not be as important to you, and you’re not trying to make me feel less valued, but it is important to me.”” acheld
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
My husband is a gem, except for gift-giving. On our first anniversary in our current home, like 12 years ago, he bought me a silk flower arrangement. We had 5 kittens, and he knew he couldn’t buy me real flowers as they’d eat them. Naturally, he waited until like 4 pm on our anniversary to shop, because ya know, he is a procrastinator.
It is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. It isn’t even ugly/cool; it’s just an eyesore. My mom and step-sister both want to know why he still has a home because it really is that bad. I decorate my office with Star Wars and Marvel stuff, so I’m not a decorating fashionista, but man, it is so dang ugly.
Not wanting to ever suffer through his “thoughtfulness” again, my solution was quite simple.
I display that arrangement in a position of honor. When people come over they all are like, what the heck is that? I explain it is a precious anniversary gift and that my husband was so thoughtful for getting it for me.
I’ve never had another crappy gift. I’ve never complained but hearing how awful his gift was from other people, and that I defend him buying it has caused him to be much more aware of special occasions.
I will never throw away my flowers, they are now very sentimental and also still raging ugly, but my husband learned without us fighting how to be more present.
I wish you all the luck, and I’m sorry your husband got so angry. I will send positive vibes so that you won’t ever have a flower arrangement like mine haunt your home!” Remarkable_Winner_91
If OP's husband really goes through the described cycle of procrastination every year, and it ends with the same results each time, then he can't really be shocked by OP's comments.
At some point you have to realize you have a problem with gift getting and procrastinating and just admit you need help.
My dad is a prime example of this.
For years he would wait last minute and pick something he thought my mom would like.
Sometimes he pulled it off, but most of the time he didn't.
I remember one year for her birthday got her earrings that weren't her style and some window cleaner for her car.
After that my mom decided to help him out by either straight up telling him what she wanted, or telling me so I can tell him (because even if she tells him, sometimes he forgets).
But anyway, OP wasn't wrong for saying something, and her husband shouldn't have taken it so personally, especially when he KNOWS he has a problem with waiting last minute.
8. AITJ For Asking My Fiancee To Stop Teaching Our Children Bad Table Manners?
It’s not that serious.
“My fiancée “Lola” and I have been together for five years (engaged for a little over a year) and we have twins (boy and girl, 2.5). Our wedding is in two months.
Lola usually takes care of feeding the kids in the morning since I work early, and so I never noticed this until recently. I took a week’s vacation from work to just spend time at home with my kids and Lola and started to notice something that bothered me.
Lola has been teaching our kids bad table manners and sees nothing wrong with it. I hadn’t noticed this before, as they don’t eat this type of food for lunch/dinner/snacks or eat it all the time so I guess I just missed it as I wasn’t home or she fed them other things on the weekends.
This morning I was helping Lola make breakfast and then I got the kids ready while she brought their food out for them.
As they were getting ready to eat, I noticed they didn’t have forks/spoons so I told Lola I would get them and she said there was “no need”.
I watched instead as she gave the kids tortillas that she ripped into pieces and they were using their bare hands to grab the food using the pieces of the tortilla. I asked her what she was doing and that she should be giving them utensils but she seemed shocked that I was concerned and said that’s how they always eat it.
I told her that she was teaching them bad manners and making them think it was okay to just grab food with their hands. She told me they do that anyway when they have chips or grapes or tacos and pizza and listed a bunch of other snacks and fast food you eat without utensils but I pointed out that those things are usually made to be eaten quickly or on the road (like fast food) so utensils aren’t needed.
She said I was being offensive by calling her way of eating gross and saying it was having bad manners, but I do think it’s gross to see someone grabbing at food with their bare hands like that. She said she grew up eating like that and would always use tortillas to eat things like eggs or meat/rice/beans and that it wasn’t gross because she always made the kids wash their hands before they ate.
I ended up giving my kids forks for them to eat which they didn’t want to use, which made me even more frustrated with her because now they’re used to this.
Lola has been really annoyed the rest of the day and wouldn’t let me help her with lunch, and earlier she was walking around the house speaking to someone (probably her sister) in Spanish about me and I’m starting to feel a bit annoyed.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – but only because this is something that I’ve seen in several cultures.
I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want to teach them to use utensils in most eating situations, as that’s the predominant culture here – but the way you approached it is what makes you the jerk.
Due to your fiancee speaking Spanish over the phone, it’s probably safe to assume she’s had a different cultural upbringing – and that’s just how she was raised.
Imagine if you were living somewhere where it was rude to eat with utensils rather than fingers, and your SO said that you (and by extension, the people who raised you) eat with bad manners.
This needs to be a conversation so she doesn’t feel insulted, but understands your position.” Baileythenerd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, yes calling it bad manners is a jerky way to say it but you’re not wrong for wanting your children to learn to eat a certain way as well.
It is part of her culture and how she grew up to eat that way but you also have a background and using utensils is part of that. It’s real jerkish for people to only take her side because it’s her culture. Those are both of your children, so you should be able to want/teach them to use utensils the way u were raised to and she can want and teach them to use tortillas the way she was raised and then let the children decide on their own.
Yes, they’re 2.5, but they’ll grow older and make up their own minds either to continue using their hands or using their utensils. For you to be upset at her for teaching them to eat with hands and for her to be upset at you for wanting to use utensils is stupid. Also, her talking about you to her sister and not communicating it to you is a jerk thing too bc y’all are in a relationship raising children and y’all both have different backgrounds so to argue over the different ways y’all were raised instead of compromising is stupid.” Independent-Pop3681
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
This is how two-year-olds eat, and you don’t need a fork for a tortilla. And using a flatbread to scoop up food is de rigueur in almost every culture except Northwestern European culture, which makes you a racist jerk too.
Also, the fact that your little ones are three and you’ve JUST noticed standard mealtime behavior makes YTJ x2. Try being an engaged parent?” Reddit user
Sure, your kids need to learn good table manners (I once broke up with a boyfriend because of his table manners - the thought of sitting across the table for the rest of my life watching him shovel food into his mouth like a neanderthal was more than I could bear). But they also need to learn good manners that are APPROPRIATE to the occasion and the meal. Otherwise they may indeed be a source of embarrassment when they ask for a fork in an Ethiopian restaurant.
I don't blame your partner for being upset. Here is a free lifelong relationship rule for you to take to heart. ALWAYS backup your partner in front of the kids. By all means discuss these things, but in private. You need to be a united front in parenting.
7. ATIJ For Firing An Employee With A Sick Wife, Leaving Them With No Health Insurance?
It’s a difficult situation no matter how you look at it.
“Recently, I learned that our company is doing layoffs, and I’ll have to let one person among my 4 subordinates go. It came down to choosing one of the 3 least-experienced ones who were all hired about 2 years ago. A month ago, I would’ve said they are all roughly in the same ballpark of competence.
I say a month ago, because:
A few weeks ago, one of the 3, I’ll call him “A”, began dealing with hardship. A’s wife was hospitalized and is now very very sick; I remember A once said the doctors couldn’t reassure him she’d make it through. As A tells us, he’s now caring for their two inconsolable children alone and constantly having to go visit his wife.
Now obviously, none of that is any of my or our company’s business; what is, is how A’s work performance and productivity have plummeted. Since returning from his initial leave of a few days, he’s constantly showing up late, leaving early, and is a lot less productive and focused during the day when he is here and is often on phone calls.
We’ve (politely) tried to tell him we needed him to focus, as this is causing a significant and notable reduction in our team’s efficiency, but he always just apologetically says yes only to not really change, and of course, it’s hard to insist further.
Of course, I’m 99% sure he needs the job because our company has really good healthcare coverage, so I’m sure if we lay him off, that’s going to affect him for the worse.
(I’m guessing, I’m not familiar with the specifics of how it all works or if A has other insurance, but the fact that he didn’t leave the job for longer suggests to me he doesn’t.)
I tried to explain to HR and my superiors about this, and how it would be very bad for team morale for me to lay him off (the others all know, A’s been pretty open about this to us), and asked for more time or something.
They told me the downsizing decision was set in stone well above them, and there was nothing they could do. One of them suggested FMLA, but our local office of the company only has about 40 employees (and we’re in a small town that’s way more than 75 miles away from any of our other locations) so I think that means he’d be ineligible.
Initially, my attitude was that this is a job and I needed to keep emotions out of it. “Don’t blame me, blame capitalism and the American healthcare system”. But I heard some differing opinions from friends/family (that’s why I’m posting here because they made me reconsider). The one that made me question my stance the most was when one basically asked (paraphrasing): “hey, you have a lot of experience and are fairly well-off, and wouldn’t have trouble finding other work in this market (that’s all true).
So if you just comply, do you really have a right to pin all the blame on the system, instead of taking personal responsibility?” I kinda wasn’t 100% sure what to say.
WIBTJ for laying A off? Should I lay off one of the other two employees (still performing competently) instead?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But please don’t lay him off.
I hear what you’re saying about his job performance, but this is one of the hardest moments of his life.
It would literally not be possible for him to continue working at his normal level with what’s going on. If you don’t know what that’s like, consider yourself lucky. One day you will. The loss of this insurance may mean the loss of her healthcare, and by extension, her life.
I’m also going to say another thing. I’ve been in the working world for a good while and I’ve seen human beings show up, to the detriment of their family and life, when a company is struggling.
I’ve seen them work 18-hour days, miss holidays and birthdays, and work until their health was affected. They support these companies with their actual lives when the company is struggling. But the companies we work for rarely do the same for us when we struggle. But they should.
You have the ability to decide what your company looks like. It’s important to remember, it’s a job, it’s not our life, it’s just the way we pay for our life.
This man is facing the loss of the person he chose for life, the person who likely is more important to him than his own self. Take care of him, and when this time is over, he will remember and be an even better and more dedicated employee. People over profits is a culture and it’s in all the little decisions, but especially in big ones like this.” naptivist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It may feel like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place, mostly because you are. So now you have to make a decision and live with the consequences.
I would also say in this day and age, more so than at any other time in history, how people perceive a company and how you can be best represented in case of a social media targeting should be a huge factor to consider.
And laying off a guy who is tending to his (possibly) dying wife could be the type of act that could get a company ‘canceled’, rightfully in my opinion.” Hanzell85
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – business is business but it would be cruel to lay someone off who is going through such hardship, when you know he’s depending on the job as a lifeline.
Instead, I would suggest having a serious talk with him and setting up a probationary work plan: essentially, let him know his performance is putting him at risk of losing his job and give him a chance to shape up. I understand you’ve told him he needs to shape up before, but make it official and make it clear to him that his job is at risk here.
And as for your layoff, lay off one of the other two – as you said, they’re all in the same ballpark of competence, major life events notwithstanding.” Don_Ciccio
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Well, this is freaking horrible. I am both critically ill and a former manager who has gone through many types of layoffs and I know how terrible this is all the way around.
No matter what decision you make, it’s going to suck.
My best advice to you is to try and rack your brains and figure out what you would have done if this happened two months ago. You would have had to have come up with a solution, somebody would’ve had to go. What would you have done? Try and be as honest as you can be.
If the answer is you would have laid off A, then that’s what you do. It’s freaking brutal. But that’s what you have to do.
If you wouldn’t have laid him off, you still have a dilemma. Because keeping him and laying somebody else off is going to be rough. Fewer people means more work for the team. More work for the team when one member is not currently pulling their weight, and yet you opt to keep that member, that is going to be a tough sell.
You let B go and that leaves C to do more work, and their remaining coworker isn’t going to be much help. That’s incredibly unfair to C. How is it fair that they should be doing the work of almost 3 people? It isn’t.
In a perfect world that we don’t live in, you could sit down with all three and say somebody has to go.
Here is the layoff package, whoever gets laid off is getting X months of salary as severance. If anybody wants to volunteer to take that severance package, you will get a glowing recommendation and we wish you the best in finding a new job. If everybody wants to stay, then I will make the decision. You never know when somebody might already be interested in leaving.
But that’s not how corporate America works, unfortunately.
Layoffs happen all the time. They absolutely suck and that’s why people should not consider work, their family, or any of that bullcrap. They will lay people off when it helps the bottom line and they won’t think twice about it. And unfortunately, part of being a manager is being involved in that process. I don’t envy you this decision, but you are not the jerk for having to make it.” EtonRd
6. AITJ For Not Inviting My Friend's Daughter On Our Vacation?
“My daughter is 12, and her friend is 13. They have grown up together because her mom and I are friends. I used to babysit a lot, and even now, we have her daughter over often, and she comes on trips with us and stuff. She’s a great kid for the most part, but my daughter gets upset sometimes about how controlling she can be.
For instance, if my daughter can’t facetime at a specific time, she will get upset with her and silent treatment her, etc. I never make a big deal of it and let them work it out.
My kid started getting into Beetlejuice, the musical, about a year ago. My husband and I embraced it, and for Christmas, he bought tickets to the broadway show for our family.
We were super excited about it but forgot about it until it was almost time to go. I booked the trip, and we went. It was a family trip; we had a lovely time.
Last night, my friend revealed that she had been mad at me for going to the musical and not inviting her daughter or bringing her back a playbill.
She wants to end our friendship over it. My daughter said that’s ridiculous because her friend is going to see the musical twice, plus her parents paid some of the staff of the actual musical to give voice lessons on zoom to her friend. My kid has been so gracious and happy for her, even though she has often felt left out because this is something that I cannot afford, but hey, that’s life.
Just be happy for your friends.
My friend believes my daughter and I were hiding that we were going to see the musical and that I was rude for not inviting her kid. We weren’t hiding it; we didn’t want to spoil anything or come off like we were bragging because my daughter’s friend told us she was going to see it twice, in two different cities, plus she knows the cast.
My friend claims she was never going to see it and is low-key, blaming me because she now has to “scrape up” funds to take her.
I’m not sure why I would have been obligated to take another child on vacation with me when I already have two children of my own, nor do I understand why a child who gets personal lessons from the cast of Beetlejuice would be so upset that my daughter got tickets to see it before her.
I understand she probably felt a bit jealous, but my husband had no idea who was into Beetlejuice or to what extent; he just bought us tickets, and we went. Am I the jerk for not being clear enough that we would see this because it was technically her daughter that got my daughter into Beetlejuice?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your daughter needs a new friend since this one sounds toxic and entitled.
I would encourage her to sign up for a sport or hobby that interests her so she can possibly branch out and find other kids to interact with. I had to do the same thing with my middle child when she was 12. She had a friend who was constantly causing her drama and her parents were always on social media playing the victim and bullying people into submitting to whatever.
Another parent and I had to remove our girls from their homeroom and everything. She no longer is friends with the kid and is a lot less stressed and happier.” hillbillyhotmess
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have created an expectations monster within your friend, who stops being grateful for the wonderful experiences you were able to give her child to now – ready to end your friendship over you and your family having a “Shock and horror” family vacation.
It’s time to wind back the trips and stop inviting the friend along. How many times does your friend return the favor and invite your child along on holidays?” gemma156
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The entitlement from your friend and her daughter is disgusting. Honestly, it seems like your daughter is just recognizing that her friend isn’t a good friend and wants to break away from that.
Good for her.
So happy for you and your family for going to the musical!! How exciting.
If your “friend” is ready to end the friendship over this, then you and your daughter are better off and will find true friends that support and celebrate your wins — Even if it’s just going to a musical and not trying to make you feel bad because YOU didn’t take YOUR CHILD on a FAMILY TRIP.” fvckdxt
5. AITJ For Not Immediately Telling My Husband He Smelled When We Were At A Wedding?
“This week was the wedding of two of my husband’s (33M) and my’s (31F) longtime friends. For some background, recently we’ve been having some issues. I told him I needed some space, so we agreed he should move back in with his mom temporarily. I wasn’t thrilled about this because she tends to baby him, though I had to accept it as he had nowhere else to go and I wanted him out of the house.
I wondered what to do about the wedding, we talked and decided it would be best for us to go together and for him to move back home afterward. He didn’t have time before the wedding to pack up his things and so got ready at his mom’s while I got ready at home and we planned to meet there.
When he arrived I was already chatting with friends.
He came over to us and immediately I noticed this rotten stench on him. He smelled like he’d been dumpster diving. It made my eyes water a little. I noticed our friends noticing, but he was completely oblivious and kept on chatting. I tried to let him know discreetly but he was not getting the hint at all. We took our seats in the chapel and the service was beautiful.
By this point, my nose had pretty much tuned out the smell, but it was clearly affecting other people and I still hadn’t had a chance to let him know.
After the service, I saw an old female friend I hadn’t seen in years and wanted to catch up. Apparently, while I was chatting with her, a friend had pulled Hubby aside and basically told him he stunk.
He got upset and demanded we leave immediately. In the car, we argued and he told me I was a horrible wife to let him embarrass himself like that in front of friends and I was probably laughing behind his back. He said that I knew he could be forgetful and since he was my responsibility as his wife I should have called him up at his mom’s to remind him to shower (usually he’ll come in when I’m in).
I was speechless and said nothing the entire car ride home while he berated me.
This morning I checked my phone and we have both been removed from a number of group chats that included friends that went to the wedding. I heard through some friends that the bride feels we ruined her day (more people were talking about my husband than we thought), and she no longer wants to speak with us.
I’m shocked and really hurt by this and have been feeling guilty all day. I didn’t want to embarrass him by letting him know when other people were around but now I’ve cost him friends and feel like I handled it all horribly. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Ugh. ESH (you and your ex) because SOMEONE needed to drag your husband out of there as soon as the smell was noticed.
Clearly, everyone was hoping since you are the one most related to him that you would kindly take on that role.
The fact that you didn’t shows the contempt you have for him. You didn’t have his back to save him from this deep embarrassment. And you didn’t care that this was impacting everyone.
Not that I think he should blame you for his own horrible lack of hygiene.
That is 100% on him. But you smelled him and people needed you to step up and handle this and you didn’t and you didn’t ask someone else to handle it. People probably held back because they didn’t want to butt in – after all, YOU were sitting next to him and enabling this, so that gave other people pause.
You did handle this horribly because your inaction/enablement directly led to the problem stench remaining waaaaay longer than it should have.” Allimack
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He should be able to look after his own hygiene.
It probably would have been better coming from you. He was most likely dying from embarrassment because, see above. I would also be a little bit miffed if my partner sat by and let me embarrass myself for something I wasn’t aware of. That’s no reason to berate you, though. His anger was definitely over the top and his expectations of you are outrageous.
I find stopping a friendship because someone smelled, kind of strange. That said, I probably wouldn’t want to be around them until they learned to wash their clothes and shower.
It might be a good idea to give it some time before broaching the subject with your friends.” Ok-Writer-774
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – why didn’t you say something? Yeah, you aren’t responsible for whether he showers, but you are married to the man.
This was a friend’s wedding and out of respect for your friends you should have said something immediately, not just leave it for someone else to say something. Even if you weren’t married and this was a friend you were with, you should have said something, again, out of respect for your friends.” LucidOutwork
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely ridiculous that your husband tried to blame you for not reminding him to shower.
Jesus Christ. He’s the jerk there.
But you specifically asked if you’re the jerk for not telling him there was a smell of him sooner, and yes, you’re the jerk for that. It would have taken 30 seconds to a minute to pull him aside and tell him. I can’t believe you sat through the whole ceremony, knew other people could smell him, and didn’t say anything to him.” Unable_Beginning_982
4. AITJ For Wanting My Partner To Put Me First When I'm Sick?
Proper communication could have done wonders here.
“I recently had a procedure on Wednesday where my stomach was cut open. I was released to go home on Thursday, and I was very uncomfortable and in a lot of pain. A friend of mine came over on Friday to hang with me and make sure I was OK since my partner works 1-9 pm.
My partner only has Saturdays and Wednesdays off and so I was looking forward to relaxing on Saturday. I’ve been struggling to sleep, eat, and even walk around comfortably.
Saturday comes and he stays with me for most of the morning, but around 12 pm he told me he wanted to go work out/play basketball. He originally told me he was going to work out at home, but I was laying down so I didn’t care.
He told me he would only be an hour or so and so I figured I’d relax for a little and then he can help me make something to eat and also walk my dog. She’s a puppy and she pulls a lot and it physically is too much to walk her on my own. I laid down for a little, but hours passed, and he doesn’t come home until a few minutes to 5.
By this point, I had to walk my dog because she hadn’t been walking since 9 AM and I also was starving and needed to move appliances around. He told me it was because a buddy of his who he hasn’t seen in a while ended up coming around where he was at, but my biggest pet peeve is when someone tells me something is going to take a certain amount of time and then it doesn’t.
I just felt like he should’ve at least texted me and said “hey I’m doing XYZ might be longer” that way I could have known. I do not care when he goes out and who he goes out with, I have no concerns about loyalty or dishonesty or anything like that. But when something you tell me will take an hour turns into five hours, I feel like I have the right to be annoyed.
My main concern was that he did not prioritize me when I needed his help. My stomach was literally cut open; it wasn’t like I had a small surgery. I find that if I don’t tell my partner that I need something, he will not go out of his way to do it for me when it comes to me being hurt or sick.
Obviously, not all men have a nurturing personality, but we’ve been going on four years and I really thought that he would go out of his way to help me feel comfortable.
By the time he got home, I was upset, in pain, hungry, I hadn’t slept in a few days, and I was just really agitated. I was very emotional and started to cry, saying that I felt like he didn’t prioritize me and he flipped it into me being inconsiderate of his only day off.
Right before he left, he asked me if I needed anything and at the time I didn’t but his thought process is that if I was going to lay down anyways, there was no reason for him to stay. He thinks that his waiting around to potentially help me is a waste of time.
I feel like I should not have to ask my partner of 4 years to take care of me during an obvious time of need.
He feels I should’ve been more clear and told him to stay home, but I feel like if I have to tell you to do that then I don’t want you to stay. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It isn’t his responsibility to read your mind whenever you need help. Only you know how your body heals and how much help you need, not him.
If you believe that you need help, you need to specifically state that to him, rather than just thinking it and expecting him to ‘just know.'” kaitlynhall101
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect your partner to know you’ll need to be taken care of after surgery, and if they need that explicitly communicated to them, then they’re thoughtless.” Objective_Plastic131
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He probably shouldn’t have taken so long but it’s easy to lose track of time when hanging out and I totally understand him needing a few hours to unwind on his only day off. You could have made an effort to call or text to ask when he’s going to be back and to bring food but he could have also asked.
Try to communicate more and go from there.” goodolphilly
3. WIBTJ For Announcing My Pregnancy At A Wedding?
“My partner (34m) and I (31f) have been together for 12 years and just decided to start trying for a baby. We have not announced that we’re trying for a baby because it will result in our families lecturing us about getting married and having a wedding. We do not want a wedding, and marriage isn’t important to us.
We have a family wedding to attend this weekend, therefore I took a pregnancy test, just to double check, before a weekend of heavy drinking.
Well, it was positive and we are so excited. I do not want to announce that I am pregnant until we go to the doctor or after 12 weeks. This happened so quickly, I am not sure what to do. The bride has been dreaming about her wedding day her whole life and all the attention should be on her. I do not want to take her spotlight.
This will be the first grandchild in the family, and I assume that everyone will be so excited.
The problem is that I drink quite a bit at every family event. My family loves to party and we take shots together, shotgun drinks together, and randomly challenge each other to chugging contests. I am fully involved in the festivities and instigate a lot of the drinking.
Basically, it will be very noticeable that I am not drinking and refusing shots. I am planning on pretending to drink by replacing it with water, but I don’t think this will actually fool my family. We are staying at the hotel where the reception is taking place, therefore I cannot just say I am the designated driver. My family will notice that I am not drinking this weekend and correctly conclude that I am pregnant.
I cannot imagine missing my cousin’s wedding but also could never imagine stealing the bride’s spotlight with my pregnancy. I know the bride will be angry if there are rumors about my pregnancy during her wedding. My cousin will be annoyed that I made his new wife angry, but he’s reasonable and would not actually be mad at me. WIBTJ if my pregnancy gets announced or rumored at my cousin’s wedding or should I just stay home ‘sick’?
My partner suggested that we should call everyone and announce that we are pregnant today.
Therefore, it does not happen during her wedding. I don’t think making the announcement a few days before her wedding will actually help. In addition, I am uncomfortable with this because I’ve only taken at-home pregnancy tests and have not been to the doctor. I do not know how far along I am. Plus, I am more terrified of the possibility of having to announce a miscarriage to the whole family.
I hope I don’t have a miscarriage but it’s a possibility with any pregnancy and the chance drops significantly after 12 weeks according to the internet.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you do this. You also have more than a low-key problem if the fact that you’re not beyond sloshed at a family event is something that’s going to set off the iNSaNe RuMoR MiLL.
I think you’re overestimating how closely others watch your behavior, but if you REALLY don’t want it to be possible to steal cousin’s thunder (because I think you might be posting this to get a green light to announce the news beforehand, which would be just as bad) then I have a no-fail solution for you: here’s a great trick – order drinks at the bar.
Then discreetly pass them off to your partner and nurse tonic water in a rocks glass. If you really want to go pro, bring a bottle of something kid-friendly that matches the color of the shots you usually do with the fam, slip it to the bartender with a couple of $20s at the start of the event and make sure they line up sober shots for whenever you’re going to partake.
It’s not that hard, especially since you won’t be wasted.” KatBScratchy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Screw this world full of people who think you need to lie and obfuscate just to be worthy of attending someone’s event.
Other family members already know, so this could inadvertently end up a topic of discussion even if you don’t go.
And seriously, getting pregnant disqualifies someone from attending a wedding because people might find out something significant has happened in the life of someone other than the bride? At the very least, that’s kind of misogynistic.
Screw the society we built.
Oh my God, someone’s talking about my cousin’s pregnancy on MY special day? Nobody better mention any promotions at work or winning anything from scratch-off tickets.
All attention on me. This event is about the bride. All 200 hundred guests must be focused on the bride at all times or the day is ruined.
Someday, this earth will be free of humans.
Thankfully.” justsomeotherperson
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Everyone posting here seems to be ignoring the fact that these are real people.
Some of the ideas work in many situations, but if you are usually pounding shots that other people bring you, and acting intoxicated off your butt, drinking tonic water all night isn’t going to fool many people.
The antibiotic thing might work; you can try telling a close family member two or three days before that you went to the doctor and have an ear infection.
But, ultimately, there will be speculation. That’s not the same as you making a big announcement. If people ask, you say no. And, it’s not like you are making a big announcement during a toast…it doesn’t make the wedding about you, your cousin will have no idea what each person at the wedding is drinking unless it’s like a 20-person wedding.
I don’t think you should announce it early, either. There are so many reasons not to announce a pregnancy before the end of the first trimester, especially not before seeing a doctor. Also, announcing it before will probably make it even more attention on you. Unless you regularly see your family between now and the wedding, everyone is going to be congratulating you, asking you questions, etc…” Usrname52
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because you can’t help life.
BUT, you could tell everyone right before the wedding that you had food poisoning so you need to take it easy. You could say you are on antibiotics for some reason so you can’t drink. Both of these reasons are not suspicious – especially the first one if you really sell it with how awful you felt – and you just need a good cover story about why you can’t drink.
That way you also don’t have to announce it when you are nervous, and you can also use these various illnesses to duck out early and go to bed if you aren’t feeling great.
A white lie like this hurts zero people. It is an excuse for not drinking but has zero impact on anyone, and in fact, helps the bride and groom out a little.
I suggest that 3 days before the wedding (or the festivities) you say you ate something bad and sell it – threw up all night, had a bucket by the bed, no more oysters for me! Do it so you are “recovered” by the wedding so you can eat whatever you want and just tell people that while you feel better, you are sticking with food and no drinks just to be safe.” mfruitfly
2. AITJ For Telling My Husband He Should Make A Higher Income?
“So earlier today I (28F) told my husband (30M) he needs to make a better income, especially if we want to start a family. We were texting at work and I was just kinda casually telling him we need to make more (especially living in Silicon Valley). I also told him “I’m waiting on you… Having kids is in your hands… I can only promote so much; now it’s your turn (could be years from now)… we’ll wait.”
I make a little over $100K/year and am constantly getting promotions.
I am actively always trying to move up. He however is more content with his position. He has a lot of anxiety and is pretty introverted but has luckily landed a job that pays about $77k/year. He is happy with this. He just wants to settle here because he believes it’s the perfect job for him where he’s comfortable in his setting and is happy with the income.
Later that day, he told me his feelings were hurt regarding the text conversation we had… That I made him feel worthless and that I made him feel like he’s making “chump change” just because he’ll never be at my level. He said he doesn’t want to promote because although he’ll be making more, he will be miserable given he’ll be put in a more social position.
He also expressed that if I wanted to save more, then maybe we should cut back on traveling, concerts, going out to eat, etc.
We love to travel and we do travel quite a bit for leisure. We go to a lot of concerts and eat out a lot as well I must admit. But that’s what we enjoy in life.
Asides from the issue with income, I am certain he will be a fantastic father.
He is always there for family and family members know he will always be there when needed. He always makes sure to pack my lunch and make me dinner daily.
AITJ for wanting my husband to make more income, especially if we were to start a family? I do want my kids to be comfortable and be able to live a life without struggles and do extracurricular activities.
I have family members that are pretty well off and are able to let their kids do all kinds of sports and activities and I want that for them, but I do know it can get expensive.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you do want a child, I agree with him, you should probably cut down on expenses and start saving. But as a woman I understand pregnancy and taking care of a child will take at least 2 years of your life away in the beginning, and potentially hinder your career progression once you join the workforce again.
Obviously what you mentioned is one of the most optimal options to stay afloat financially while taking care of a child, but it neglects his wants and needs.
Since you’ve mentioned that he’s a good homemaker, there is the option of u continuing work and potentially being the breadwinner while he takes care of the child after the initial 2 years, or both of you working and getting a nanny/sending baby to daycare.
There are other options you can consider that both parties feel comfortable with.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. So he gives up his happiness and makes himself miserable and puts himself in a constant state of anxiety and what do you do? You keep your happiness and change nothing. Your mindset is awful.
Also making 177k/year should be enough for you, your husband, and a child to live comfortably; you’re just being greedy.
You either put the savings towards having a family or you keep your current lifestyle, you may have to accept that you might not be able to have both.” Emo_Trash1998
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I understand wanting everything in life that money has to offer, but you may find no amount of income is enough. You may find your sweet, considerate husband who is such wonderful father material becomes a stressed, angry, self-medicating man never at home if he is pushed into roles not suited to his personality and talents.
You married this man for who he is – he’s not slacking, but you can’t snap your fingers and make him someone else.
Cut down on travel, eating out, and concerts if that helps with finances. You will probably need to anyway when kids are small (most of those things while not impossible by any means are not always hugely comfortable with babies or small kids).
Maybe your kids will have to pick and choose activities – but it doesn’t sound like you’ll be too poor for them to be able to have any activities.
A good income helps make life easier, but there are more important things in life than earning more.” marabsky
Another User Comments:
“You are looking at this from the wrong angle. You knew who you married and you know what he is like.
You have a well-paid job. He does, though he earns less. Having children changes everything. Your routines change. It brings out parts of your personality that are currently dormant – in both parents. He may become more ambitious. He may not. However, you have said that you are certain he will be a good father. Is there any reason why you think he needs to be a primary breadwinner? Are you intending to stop working? I presume not since you seem to be keen on your job.
Am I assuming too much?
However, what you spend your income on now will change after having children. And you don’t miss those things. Income really isn’t the be-all and end-all of having a secure home and a happy family. The most important thing in family life where children have time with their parents, conversations with their parents, walks with their parents, cook with their parents, read with their parents, do their homework with their parents, and play with their parents.
They don’t need Disney, video games, cell phones, or laptops. None of those build a quality human. You don’t need a Mercedes outside your house. None of the material things matter when you have children. They just need those early years focusing on them, from 0 to 18. They need your time.
That could mean that at different points in your careers, you or your husband may want to be the principal childcare. What you mustn’t do is both become long hours at work parents. If you want a happy family life, you have to make sure that both parents share the joy.” wizzo42
1. AITJ For Wanting My Fiance To Buy Me A Custom Wedding Band?
“Fiancé proposed with a 2ct oval low set ring. A band that is not curved will not fit under or above the ring without a large gap. This year, I purchased a 6-stone diamond band that I wear stylistically on my right hand. Occasionally, if I do not want to ‘rock a large rock’ I will wear the band I purchased in its stead.
Prior to engagement, my dream wedding bands were eternity bands (stones encompassing the finger). My fiancé balked at the prices so I stated I would just purchase it myself. However, given the actual ring’s shape, I no longer want an eternity band and am commissioning a ring to fit snugly around the engagement ring. This is like 500% cheaper than my original budget for the wedding band.
He recently switched jobs and is experiencing a ~ 35k increase in pay. He’s been talking about all of the guns he would like to buy with this increase in pay but amends that realistically he would like to start saving for a down payment.
Another point – To be equitable (something that is important to him), I purchased for him a gift of similar value as an engagement gift for him.
Issue:
I’ve been feeling resentful and asked him if he would purchase the wedding band now, given the lower price point. I brought up that I’d like him to buy the ring for me now, and he initially agreed however when I showed him the mock-up the jeweler gave me, he began to question the following:
- how often I would wear the band (only as a set with the ring)
- how often I plan on wearing the set (when I’m out and about running errands dressed in something more than just a shirt and shorts)
- if I would ever wear the band solo (no)
He concluded that he felt it was frivolous to buy something I would barely wear, especially since I don’t like wearing rings when at home.
Additionally, I already have a wedding band I’d wear more often. I began to argue that he has a collection of expensive musical instrument that is only used contextually as well but those weren’t ‘frivolous’. He stated that the collection was ‘productive’ whereas jewelry is not. He went on to state that his increase in pay was for him to spend how he wills even if I think buying more guns is frivolous.
He’s upset because he feels like I just want to spend his money and will want a new piece of jewelry every few years and I already have what could be considered a wedding band.
I’m upset because, yes. I would like him to just buy me something expensive as a gift and to feel spoiled! I historically have purchased pricier gifts like massages, $300+ dinners, and spa treatments for him.
I’m also hurt by the frivolous comment. By definition, almost everything I like and do is ‘frivolous’.
We concluded that I would just buy the darn ring, and I was being a brat but I still feel resentful.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. This was tiring to read. You guys need counseling… badly. Your relationship is sounding like a transaction between two people who don’t really even like and definitely don’t respect each other.
Traditionally each person purchases the wedding ring of the other person so wanting him to buy your ring is not concerning. Wanting a wedding ring at all is not concerning. But this tit for tat you need a gift of equal value and what matters to you is frivolous and unnecessary if it doesn’t seem important to me? That spells serious doom for your long-term happiness, work through it before marriage.” Kind-Philosopher1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Look. This isn’t about the ring. This is about him showing you he cares.
Does he show it in other ways? It sounds like he’s all about himself, spending “his” finances on “his” things and you two don’t really have a partnership, aren’t aligned on priorities, and that his sense of “equity” is really about a lack of generosity on his part.
Anything he gets you, you get him something of equal value.
I don’t think this will work long-term. I see you getting increasingly resentful, him annoyed. You won’t be getting your feelings attended to.
Sounds like you have your own income, he likes that. Less work for him.
Me? I’d look forward to someone who cherishes me, makes me feel loved, and is generous in spirit.
If that’s him most of the time, let this go. But the way you write this, it doesn’t sound like it.
You might try individual therapy to just get clarity before you tie the knot.” lovebombme2u
Another User Comments:
“ESH, y’all are fighting about who is paying for the bride’s wedding ring. And you’re not planning on wearing it much after the ceremony? Are you in a job where it’s impractical or do you just want it to stay “nice”? Who is buying the groom’s wedding band? A wedding ring symbolizes to everyone you are married.
Not wearing the ring is not common in the US or UK (unless in certain fields or a Royal). Many people who do not wear much jewelry still wear their wedding bands most days, even nuns wear a wedding band as a Bride of Christ.
You want to be “spoiled” and he wants to spend any increase in his pay solely on himself.
He sees no issue with the fact you’ve been giving him lavish gifts and feel ignored on this front. This seems like y’all are incompatible. Also, don’t plan for the future given this picture.
“We concluded that I would just buy the darn ring, and I was being a brat.” Why are you agreeing you are a brat for wanting the groom to purchase a wedding band you can wear with your engagement ring? Does he call you names a lot?” EquivalentTwo1
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