People Wonder If They Deserve Shade For Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

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It takes effort to form relationships with others. You must take into account a variety of factors, including the fact that people have various personalities, making it simple to misinterpret their actions if you are unfamiliar with them. When someone behaves differently from how we would expect them to, we could be led to believe that they are jerks. Here are some stories from folks who seek our judgment on whether or not they are jerks. Read on and let us know who you think the real jerk is. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

23. AITJ For Disliking Smoking?

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“My side of the family doesn’t smoke stuff. My SO’s side does. When we visit my SO’s family, I know that when I enter their home I will leave smelling like smoke. That’s their life choice, and it’s their home.

My SO and I entered my BILs house to visit and play a card game.

My BIL had his friend over, too. His friend also smokes. When at the table playing the card game, the friend took a big puff and exhaled it forward, putting smoke above the table. Since he was sitting directly next to me, the smoke hovered near my face.

Not wanting to inhale secondhand smoke, I blew into the smoke. The friend apologized for doing so; he didn’t think about it. I told him it was no big deal and that I wasn’t offended, I just wanted to get the smoke out of my face.

We opened windows and there wasn’t a reoccurring incident after that.

I find out later that night that my SO thought that I had been rude for the action I had taken. That he believed that I had caused an awkward conflict in the group.

Was that rude of me to do so? AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

You didn’t do anything rude. I’m assuming your bf doesn’t smoke because any smoker would not be offended in any way by what you did. Most smokers would do exactly what that one did and apologize to you then not blow it in your face again.

Your SO is sensitive and a jerk.” User

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Absolutely not. You don’t have to happily breathe secondhand smoke, and smokers should be a little more considerate. Like at least try not to blow smoke directly into someone’s face. I get that it wasn’t done on purpose, but you can’t be blamed for reacting.

Smokers just don’t realize how bad the smell is and how it gets into everything.

There is someone in my family whose house I can barely spend a few hours in because of how bad it is, and I have to immediately shower when I get home and wash all of the clothes I wore there.

I grew up with several heavy smokers too who used to constantly say I was exaggerating and whining about smoking unnecessarily. It’s nonsense to blame us for not liking it. We don’t choose it, it’s being imposed on us.” WhosMimi

Another User Comments:
“Ex-smoker here. Even back in the ’80s and ’90s when smoking was far more accepted, it was considered extremely rude to blow the smoke towards anyone else, period. You handled it well, and the other person seems to have handled it well also. I’m not sure where your SO is interpreting anything you did as rude. NTJ.” Chef73

4 points (4 votes)
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Beenthruit 1 week ago
NTJ. You were in no way rude.
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22. AITJ For Disinviting My Best Friend From My Birthday Party?

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“I have tons of friends, I’m very outgoing and I love hanging out with all my close friends. Birthdays are a very big thing in my friend group because we plan very elaborate birthdays and do one month of preparation for the whole thing.

I have been very close friends with Kiara for 3 years and we have a very special bond that’s very important to me.

She has helped me through many hurdles and has helped me so many times and she’s always been there for me whenever I needed her.

Kiara also has a cousin (f22) who is equally close to her. I am not going to lie but this person is the worst human being I have ever met.

I have never gotten good vibes from her and she never acknowledges that Kiara has another close friend apart from herself. She is very possessive and always tries to steal her time whenever Kiara talks to anyone else except her.

There have been many instances where she’s made plans with Kiara on top of my original plans and then pulls the family card by talking to Kiara’s mom to send Kiara with her instead of me.

I have spoken to Kiara many times about this issue and she tells me that she understands and that her cousin is very possessive but she can’t do anything about it now.

Now, my birthday is coming up very soon. All the plans are already made, we are gonna go on a small trek and a fun vacay to a nice little hill station nearby from the city.

I had made these plans very long ago and confirmed with everyone about when they will be free and accordingly booked the tickets to the place (I paid).

One day, we were randomly talking about the whole plan and all the fun things we are going to do out there.

Kiara said that she has to go and left for her house because her cousin had come home. The same night Kiara tells me that her cousins had planned a get-together for the whole family on the same day when we are leaving. She told me to book the tickets for her for the next day and cancel the previous one as she could not miss the get-together.

As soon as I heard this I became extremely irritated because of how frequently this happens, so I told her to either choose between the get-together which was for her family only and keeps happening four-five times a year, or my birthday which comes once a year.

She told me she couldn’t choose as both were equally important to her, so I disinvited her. My other friends, also coming for the trip are giving me a lot of trouble and calling me the jerk. So, am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Disinviting her may be a stretch, but you should carry on with your plans if she can’t make up her mind.

It’s not your responsibility to accommodate her new plans, she can either come on the intended date or make her own arrangements.” edjennersmilkmaid

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You couldn’t accommodate her to come the next day? She wasn’t even canceling, just asking to come later so she could do BOTH things for people that she obviously cares equally very much about.

I get it’s your birthday, but that doesn’t automatically mean you get to act entitled. You hurt your friend’s feelings big time after she made a point of not bailing totally on your trip. By not wanting her to share her time, you did exactly what you accuse her cousin of doing.” Odd-Jackfruit-2375

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if this was the first or even second time that she had done something like this then I would vote differently.

It’s not though. I get the impression that this happens quite frequently. The cousin is jealous of you.” Impossible-Leek-2830

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, you for being inflexible.

If Kiara is your best friend, then act like it. If your best friend is under the influence and coercive control of somebody who is possibly toxic/abusive, then it’s on you to not be an inflexible jerk and coerce your own wishes in retaliation.” Johoski

2 points (2 votes)
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Pcogale 3 months ago
NTJ - you aren't obligated to reschedule to accommodate someone that continually organises things that mean your best friend essentially will choose them instead. Your best friend has a choice and you haven't been first preference.

The only thing I would do differently is perhaps rather than disinvite your best friend is to say that you are unable to book the flights the following day but you hope that they will be able to make it. But I can completely understand why this was the straw that broke the camels back and you let them know how hurtful this continues to be.

It's your birthday. And chances are that if you did reschedule to the next day that Kiara will manage to make that not happen too.
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21. AITJ For Betting That Someone Likes My Partner?

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“We’re teenagers, and we met working as casuals in a fast food restaurant and have been together for a few months.

My partner (A), is an extremely friendly person, and it’s part of what drew me to her. She often makes friends with other guys at our restaurant and I have no problems with it.

One person (E), acted nervously and appeared to flirt with A, but she is totally oblivious to that and is purely genuine.

One night, when I was at her house, she mentioned that one of my managers had been working with E, and whenever A walked past would nudge him and say ‘tell her’.

So I told her that I bet her 50 hypothetical dollars (a thing we do as to not wager real money), that E totally had a thing for her. And she initially took the bet and ran with it.

I was competitive about it and brought it up more than I should have.

She ended up getting irritated and before telling me, vented her frustration to another coworker, and it got back to E.

He ended up adding A on Instagram and messaged her that he was hurt by this bet and that it was hurting the friend that she vented to, who was openly interested in E.

Now I understand that one might argue that reducing another person’s feelings to the odds of a bet may be a trashy thing to do, but it was just a hypothetical bet that I took further than I should have.

My outlook on this is that nobody is a jerk here, though I acknowledge my mistake.

Am I the jerk?

Edit: We made no effort to lure him in and then reject him. It was between me and her and E was the variable, we had no motivations to toy with his feelings.”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re teenagers, so this may seem a big ask, but it’s crucial to respect other young people’s feelings and not to shame them for crushes – and making bets about crushes is absolutely making a joke about them.

That’s bullying and can lead to life-threatening shame for a young person.

You know that, and it’s on you to be a better person from here on out. Don’t bully people.” RainbowCrane

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here except for the poor kid in question who’s being treated badly by everyone else involved.

Both of you suck for even trying to do anything to find out without this guy expressing it himself, however, you were doing that. ‘I was competitive about it and brought it up more than I should have.’ You must have been trying to do something to find out, and whatever that something was totally inappropriate.

You also annoyed your gf with it-also gross and jerky. She told someone else about the situation-totally inappropriate, a jerk move for sure.

If you had privately, between the two of you, joked about a bet just as a way of discussing how certain you were about the situation–I would have said that’s ok.

Everything both of you did after that was a jerk move, for sure.

The manager’s behavior is actually the worst here, though, ugh, gross. He should face disciplinary action by the company.” techienate

Another User Comments:
“Mild YTJ to you and your partner because if no one had run their mouth about this ‘bet’, E wouldn’t have gotten his feelings hurt. It’s fine for you and your gf to talk about a third party crushing on one of you, it’s when you make it into gossip that you become jerks.” User

1 points (1 votes)
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20. AITJ For Using The Wrong Name?

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“I (F35) had two childhood best friends, ‘Ian’ (M34) and ‘Ruby’ (now F33) who are siblings. We grew up together, went to school together, and hung out all the time. When we were 20, 19, and 18, respectively, Ian and Ruby decided they were going to move to different states over the summer.

Ian went to Texas for college. Ruby left to go to school and to chase her dream of performing theatre.

During their going away party, Ruby announced her transition plans while living in her new location and said she will be Ruby from then on. We were happy for her!

After the party, everyone said their goodbyes, we all promised to stay in touch, and that was it.

Except, we didn’t keep in touch and grew apart.

Fast forward to this week. I went to my city’s local craft and farmers’ market. I happened to see Ian there. I was surprised to see him there because I thought he was still in Texas. I called out to Ian, who then noticed me, and we hugged and did the usual small talk.

So it turns out, that Ian’s younger sister and her partner are getting married this weekend. I said congratulations and hugged him. I then asked how Ruby was and if she was going, except, I accidentally called Ruby by her old name/’he.’ As soon as I realized it, I felt mortified! I quickly corrected myself and apologized.

Ian got angry at me and told me that he was disappointed. I tried apologizing again, but he walked off.

I gave it a day, then I sent a private message on social media apologizing again because I did feel terrible. I haven’t heard back yet.

I should have remembered, but after not seeing someone for 15 years, I was just happy to see my old childhood best friend and wasn’t really thinking.

Plus, I know calling someone by an old name is bad. I’m aware of how hurtful this is. Knowing all this, I still errored. I feel horrified at myself.

I didn’t do it maliciously. Ian and Ruby are people I grew up with. My brain just poofed out and defaulted to ‘old name.’ I immediately apologized and corrected myself.

I can understand Ian feeling upset since I know his sister probably gets hassled a lot. I had no ill intent and that it was just a fluff-brained moment.

I still feel terrible. So, AITJ?

UPDATE:

Ian finally responded to my message and apologized. Apparently, a family member gave Ruby a hard time during the practice dinner by calling her by her dead name and misgendering her.

He was just annoyed and after thinking about the situation with me, he knew I didn’t mean anything bad.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you corrected yourself on the spot and he still gets mad? Some mistakes happen and as long you are not constantly calling Ruby her old name there shouldn’t be a problem with that, I mean it happened once, after a lot of time of not seeing them.

If he gets mad over such a point with a direct excuse from your side, well the jerk card would go more to him.” got-here-by-accident

Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Your last 2 paragraphs are the reason- it was a mistake on your part and you apologized, even people who see someone all the time make mistakes especially, as you said if it’s someone they’ve known long before the transition.

And yes he has the right to feel upset on his sister’s behalf because I’m sure there are people who do it on purpose and don’t apologize. Hopefully, he will get over the initial frustration and realized you weren’t being malicious.” whiterice2323

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, most people are understanding of slip-ups as long as it was not meant to cause harm, BUT you must also try to understand how much it hurts them and those who support them through the darkest times because people who transition have a hard road and those closest to them are pretty much always defending against the nasty people. I think this family member has completely overreacted to this situation as you completely wholeheartedly were not trying to be nasty or hurt anyone.” _RED_QUEEN-

1 points (1 votes)
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Pcogale 3 months ago
NTJ - unless you have been regularly using the name very regularly, it's very easy to fall back into old habits to use the name you've used over many years.

None of it was malicious. Ian over reacted due to what happened earlier. But it sounds like he recognises you don't have the same feelings as his nasty family member and this was an innocent slip of the tongue. You've both apologised.
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19. WIBTJ If I Tell My Parents I'm Finished Paying Them Back?

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“I (20M) moved out of my parents’ home almost a year ago now. I’m finishing up my third year of college and am excited to go into teaching once I get my degree! I do well in all of my classes and work part-time at a restaurant in town.

My brother (20M) works full-time after dropping out of high school, and my parents have managed to get him a pretty nice job at a nearby military base. He’s struggled a lot with socialization and relationships, but he’s finally starting to feel more comfortable expressing himself, which has been amazing to see.

He and I were ridiculously close when we were young, so close that we’d often have sleepovers in the other’s room so we didn’t have to say goodbye for the night.

My parents believe in making us earn everything in life, which I appreciate. When we turned 16, they got us each our own cars which were about 2,000.

We were told that we could only have the cars if we agreed to pay 2,500 each, with the extra 500 functioning as a form of interest. As they’d already bought the cars, we didn’t have much of a choice, but after paying them back over a year we both totaled our first cars in different ways.

He was speeding on a backroad and flipped his car, and I hit a deer on my commute to school. Insurance covered most of the damage, but the second round of cars functioned the same as the first. They spent roughly 2,000 each, a little less this time, and asked us for 2,500.

Another year goes by, but we managed to pay them back. Fast-forward another year, my brother and I are 19 and 20, and he manages to total a third vehicle. Instead of buying him a new car, my mom asked for me to give him mine with the promise that I would get her vehicle as she wanted to upgrade to a new 2021 Bronco.

The deal she proposed was that I would give my brother my car and then pay her 6,000 for her vehicle. Again, she’d already ordered her new vehicle, so we didn’t have much of a real choice. She charged him 2,500 again, meaning that over four or so years our parents have made roughly 10,000 off of us paying them back.

In the present day, I’ve had her car for almost a year now. I’ve spent roughly 2,000 on maintenance and repairs for it (new tires, brakes, headlights, etc.). She takes 200 out of my bank account every month as a car payment, but as a full-time student who only works part-time (~20 hours/week), I really don’t have the budget to keep paying her.

Note: I receive no financial support, and I don’t believe my brother receives any as well, but he is able to work full-time. I pay for all of my groceries, bills, and rent, but I just don’t have enough income to keep up with a car payment that large as a student.

It has gotten to the point that after rent each month I only have 40-50 dollars in my account.

WIBTJ if I told her to stop taking the funds from my account, or to let me restart paying once I have a degree and steady income?”

Another User Comments:
“So, your parents got you a $2000 car and charged you $2500.

You paid them money toward that car.

The car was wrecked. Insurance paid your parents the worth of the car. So they got paid twice? Once from you and once from insurance? Surely between the two, they got much more than $2000 plus ‘interest.’

Then, they got you another car, which you were making payments on.

Did you finish paying for that? But then they wanted to give it to your brother? Did they pay YOU for it? It was your car, right? How much had you paid for that car before they repossessed it from you and ‘resold’ it to your brother?

Plus, the car is no longer worth the $2500 they are charging your brother.

It’s older, with more miles, more wear, and tear. Brother is being overcharged, and you are being stolen from.

I would calculate that they owe you for the first two cars, and subtract that from your current debt before paying another penny.

NTJ.” PrivateEyes2020

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Legally they shouldn’t have charged you for the first vehicle anyway, and she said she’d give you her old one and then said she wanted 6,000.

You could realistically have said no to that and left her with two cars. Ultimately, you’re NTJ, they’re expecting you to pay them back for the care that they gave you as their child, and then again because your brother screwed up. It doesn’t make sense.

On top of that, you can’t afford it. It’s not even that you don’t want to pay her back, which is what makes it even worse for you.” Thatdudeonsmthn

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – most parents have access to their kid’s bank account so they can transfer funds in, not take it out! I agree with the suggestion to open up your own individual account that only you can access, for peace of mind more than anything else.

However, you did agree to the current monthly payment with your mother. So I think your best course of action is to tell her about your current financial situation and let her know what a strain it has been. Asking to pause payments until you have a full-time job as you suggested seems reasonable and given your history, your parents have every reason to believe you will honor that.” Used_Mark_7911

1 points (1 votes)
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rbleah 3 months ago
CLOSE THAT BANK ACCOUNT NOW. Open a new one that mommy CAN'T access. You are an adult now. Time to tell her that you have paid MORE than you should have and you are done paying so she can have MORE spending money for herself.
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18. AITJ For Destroying A Friendship For 80 Bucks ?

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“I (25f) was living with a roommate, we’ll call her Steph (26f), we were best friends. She was there for me when I was at my lowest point.

So long story short, things started going down after a party where I saw behavior in Steph that I couldn’t stand (manipulation and harassment).

We managed to clear it out and all was good. Or I thought.

At that point, she constantly sent me messages about how she felt rejected, and that I wasn’t being attentive to her… I was very understanding, I tried to fix things. But it was more and more aggressive.

E.g., one time she was on a trip with a friend (Alex), I broke up with my partner and sent a message to both of them. In return, I received a long message from Steph saying that she has to stop to wonder why she’s feeling so awful when she sees how a bad friend I was and how low I thought of her because I sent the message to Alex before her.

Two weeks later, I had to euthanize my cat and the next morning, Alex came to see how I felt. Steph didn’t talk to us, then left and sent us a long message saying how both of us were a disappointment and I didn’t let her take the place of the friend who was there for me.

So here is the part where I might have been the jerk. We decided that it was no good for our relationship to still live together. We planned the end of the lease. A few weeks later, we had an argument. After a party (she was invited, didn’t show up) we came home with the usual friends and one said her cat was ugly, she heard it and shouted at us.

The next morning, I received a long message, saying again I was a huge disappointment, that was one of the reasons we couldn’t live together. It had to lead to me and Alex talking about it and Steph getting out of her room and saying ‘I’m here I heard everything’ and I just went into crazy mode and said everything that was on my mind.

She left the apartment without saying anything.

We talked about it and sorted it out, she said it was best for her to move out before the end of the lease. I agreed and told her that she still has to pay for the part. She said of course but asked me if I could pay her part of the charge because she wouldn’t be living here.

I said of course if my social help was enough.

Finally, it only allowed me the funds to pay for the apartment and have an extra 100€ for the month. The amount of her charge was 80€ and I couldn’t afford it. So I told her so.

She then blackmailed me saying that I have 2 options: 1 I pay the 80€/month or 2 I accept a new roommate until the end of the lease. I stood my ground and said I wouldn’t do that because the landlord didn’t allow it and I couldn’t afford it.

She was in a bad place, and obviously wasn’t in good mental health and I went against her. She blames me for being an egoist and destroying our friendship over 80€.

So AITJ for losing a friendship of over 80€?

PS: at the end, I paid 80€ from my savings.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

‘You’re such a disappointment’. Nah, here’s what really happened.

She’s got some obvious psychosis of some form she’s overcompensating for, or ‘blending in’ to hide, and you made her feel exposed and seen for what she was when you called her out for manipulation and harassment. In those cases that person has to make it a mission to bring you to their level, then lower.

They do not like feeling ‘seen’, not into the core of who they really are.

Call yourself Neo because you just dodged all the bullets, both in a roomie and in a friend.

Edit: Also… humor me and keep your eye out. I’m getting a strong stalker vibe from this story the more I think on it.” Dizavid

Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not respecting a legally binding agreement (your lease).

You can’t unilaterally kick someone out and make them pay rent at the same time, and expect that to be just fine.

She was right, you pay or she moves in or sublets.

Edit: changing original judgment based on additional info.

No jerks here if OP is willing to sublet and the landlord says no.

Everyone sucks here if OP refuses to allow sublet and the ex-roomie doesn’t pay.” Road_Warrior2

1 points (1 votes)
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Pcogale 3 months ago
NTJ - She's got some issues and probably has no insight into how much her behaviour has contributed. She sounds like a jealous entitled brat.

She also was the one to say she was going to move out a month early - you didn't make her. She wasn't fulfilling the terms of her contract.

Your friendship didn't break up over the $80. It broke up because your friend was a jerk.
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17. AITJ For Not Removing My Name From The Deed?

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“My dad passed 6 years ago and his house went into a family trust managed by my brother (52) who lives at the home. He’s lived there rent-free his entire life. He wants my other brother (48) and me off the deed so he can own it outright and take loans on the property.

He did this with another family property and lost it to a bank/sheriff’s sale. He has never had any experience managing finances.

I found out recently he hasn’t been paying property taxes on the house. He lied that this was all under control. I stepped in and paid some of the taxes to get them current.

He is livid about this and won’t speak to me. He had my other brother text me and try to bully me into getting off the deed. They say they will never speak to me again unless I do this. AITJ for digging in my heels and staying on the deed so I can help prevent my grandfather/father’s house from going to a sheriff’s sale?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but OP you need to contact a lawyer and get the trust sorted.

The trust should have a manager who has a duty to make sure things like the property taxes are paid on time. There are ways to force the sale and get out your 1/3 – talk to a lawyer before you turn into the cash cow for your sibling’s poor financial management issues.

I’ve recently gone through this same thing with an irresponsible trust manager who was also a family member when my grandparent died, but of course, my grandparent names the most incompetent family member to manage everything when this person can’t even manage their own bills. Get a lawyer trust me!” Satannista

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

If this brother is not on the title, he can be evicted, which I would recommend at this point. He is just going to harass you about this endlessly. He is greedy and unable to deal with actually managing a house.

If he is on the title and he wants you and the brother off the title, you can sell your interests to him at market value.

Or you can allow him to choose to take himself off the title, leaving you and your other brother as owners, and he can rent from you two.

Document the fact that you have been paying property taxes, it will give you a stronger claim to the property.

If the property taxes fall into non-payment for a long time (5 years in our county), the county will auction off the property. You then have to apply to claim ‘overage funds’, anything left after taxes were paid by the buyer. Then that moolah gets split between the three of you AFTER any liens (debts) are taken out.

He’s liable to have several, so you want to apply separately.

There might also be something legal to be done about him living there rent-free for so long. That would require research.” User

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

If he wants you off the deed he needs to buy you and your brother out.

And he’s mad you PAID the property taxes?!? Honestly, it sounds like your brother has no business managing the trust. I disagree this is an intrusion into his privacy – it’s a FAMILY trust, not his trust.

And if he’s lied about the property taxes, what else has he lied about? Why does he need a loan if he’s never paid rent? Where did all of that money go? Does he not work much? (In which case, how could he afford to pay the loan?)

You need to consider speaking to an attorney regarding this situation.” Kettlewise

1 points (1 votes)
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Beenthruit 1 week ago
NTJ. Contact a lawyer. You can actually force him to sell the house and give you your 1/3 of the money plus taxes you paid. Don't let them bully you. Block their numbers.
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16. AITJ For Not Meeting With My Sisters?

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“My partner (F24) of two years recently moved in (moved in 1.5 months ago) with me (M24) to my apartment room. I know it may seem quick, but I think it’s an important step in our relationship. Ever since she moved in, she asked me if it would be okay if I could stop meeting with my sisters (f26, f21) physically for a while.

I asked her why, and she said that she would tell me the reason on a different day, but I was excited about us moving in so I didn’t press her more. My older sister only lives an hour away from me and my little sister is finishing up college in the same state.

If my mom and dad or friends come to visit me, she doesn’t seem to care, which was really weird.

I still text and call my sisters, and I do it more frequently since my partner told me she preferred that I didn’t meet physically with them.

Last week, my older sister told me that she wanted to visit me, and I told her that she couldn’t, and she asked me why. I froze because I had no idea what to tell her (saying global health issues would just be ridiculous), so I hung up on her.

She texted me a question mark and texted me ‘What’s going on dude?’, but we haven’t spoken since and I have no idea what to text back to her (what do I text back?). I’m also thinking of finally asking my partner why she doesn’t want me to meet my sisters.

Update: I talked to my partner an hour ago and asked her why she forbid me from meeting my sisters. She said that at first, it was because she was afraid that they would bring a ton of global health issues with them (which makes no sense), but then she said she forgot that she made that request since it was a while back and said that it was okay if I met with my younger sister but that she still preferred that I didn’t meet my older sister because of global health issues.

That makes literally so sense whatsoever since my younger sister is the one at college and my older sister is the one who doesn’t have a job which makes her more vulnerable to being sick. I don’t know what to do now… I mean she’s allowing me to see my younger sister, but not my older sister…

Ya, I’m confused.”

Another User Comments:
“So I’m going to go with a soft YTJ because it is awful that you’re not seeing your sisters anymore BUT I agree with the people who have called out your partner for being abusive.

I’ve been in a terrible relationship and honestly could not see how awful it was until a couple of months after we broke up.

What your gf is doing is slowly closing you off from the people who care about you, she’s testing the waters to see how much she can get away with.

If you look back on your relationship, I can almost guarantee that there have been moments where she has been emotionally abusive towards you and you haven’t picked up on it because it’s incredibly difficult to see when you’re in it.

I’d say the best thing to do is reach out to your older sister and let her help you leave your gf. It doesn’t get better, and as an older sister, I can pretty much 100% say your sister will drop everything to get you out of there once she knows what’s happening.

Even if you don’t decide to leave, go to therapy. It’ll help you realize how much you’re worth and help you avoid awful partners in the future!

It’s so incredibly rubbish that you’re going through this, sending much love!” No_Brilliant7848

Another User Comments:
“YTJ, gently but your partner is the bigger jerk here.

You two moving in together has nothing to do with your sisters. If there was a valid reason, your gf would’ve told you immediately or at some point. This is a very alarming red flag. She may be jealous of your sisters or sees them as threats.

You need to get to the bottom of this OP. The ONLY way this would be remotely valid would be if they bullied her, but that should’ve been something she mentioned and left it to you to stick up for her. This reeks of the start of controlling and isolating behavior.

Would not put it past her to be jealous of a daughter should you two have kids together.” Squirrely_Game2086

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She is testing what ridiculous boundaries she can place upon you and she will keep expanding them. And tell you that you’re the unreasonable one.

Please see the red flags and tell her that you are going to see your sisters. Unless they happen to work in a field where they are exposed to contagious diseases and she’s worried about that – but she should have told you straight up. Her delaying tactic was done purposefully so she would be moved in already and it would be harder for you to boot her.” Canning-mama-1998

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rbleah 3 months ago
Get rid of the controlling whack job. NEVER give up family because someone else demands it. If family were toxic I could see it but that is NOT the case here.
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15. AITJ For Letting My Cat Dump On A Frying Pan?

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“My roommate and I got our cat Nasty when we noticed this skinny cat hanging out in the alley and we started feeding her whatever we had. Finally we got her to come inside and live with us. We’re both 21m and tbh the area we live in and our apartment isn’t great but it’s better than living outside.

Nasty gained a lot of weight and acts much happier now than when she was outside.

I work in a kitchen and there was this big frying pan where the handle broke off so it was kind of useless so my manager let me take it home.

When Nasty came inside with us we had like NOTHING for cats so in a pinch we just used that pan for a litterbox. It’s been like 4 months now and it’s still Nasty’s pan cause it works and nobody’s eating out of cat turd pans you know.

We try to feed her good and real cat food, and she has some toys but finances are REALLY tight cause both of us don’t make a lot and we’re just kind of trying.

Anyways this girl from work came over and she ended up seeing the pan and started roasting me about it, saying it’s not right and it’s mean to the cat but we don’t see how cause Nasty is healthy and happy and we clean that thing all the time cause it stinks up the bathroom.

She told everyone at work n now we’re getting roasted for our cat crapping in a frying pan but it’s a big pan, it’s clean and it does its job for Pete’s sake. Nasty doesn’t complain unless we’re late on her feeding

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

A litter box is nothing more than a box to contain cat litter in – it makes no difference whether it is a plastic one from the pet store, Louis Vuitton, or a cheap plastic tray – as long as it remains hygienic (so no soggy cardboard) you are good to go.

A broken frying pan sounds unusual, but a practical choice (as long as everyone is clear of its use and doesn’t try to cook in it).

One thing that is worth mentioning though, is that while it can be expensive, please do try and make sure nasty gets a checkup at the vet and all the necessaries are taken care of – coming from the street she likely won’t be appropriately immunized, and could come with any of a wide range of cat-themed problems.

So for her own health and wellbeing, a checkup and advice from the vet would be a good plan.” nrsys

Another User Comments:
“NTJ whatsoever! You can use anything you like as a litter box as long as it does the job!? I’ve made do with various things in a pinch too.

In fact, I use big tote bins cause we have multiple cats who like their own territory to do their business. This girl doesn’t sound like the kinda person you need involved with your life in any which way. Judgemental and backstabbing don’t fly in my books.

Keep doing you, and a good job helping Nasty have a better life off the streets.” JAS233116

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As long as Nasty’s using it, what’s the harm? You could spend the moolah and get a typical plastic litterbox and Nasty might start doing her business outside of it in disgust because she likes what she has.

If she uses it and likes it and that’s its only purpose (which it sounds like) then great!

Just tell any visitors who ask that you adopted her unexpectedly and used what you had and now that she’s finally worked the stupid kitchen and cooking smells out of it she’s quite happy.

And thank you for saving little Nasty’s life.” CasualYoga

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stargazer228 2 months ago
NTJ- at all! It's really none of this girls business
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14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Work While Studying?

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“I (m40) have hated my job/career for the past 20 years. It’s taken a real toll on my mental health and I’ve been struggling more and more with each year that passes. My wife (f44) and I got together 8 years ago and she has been my rock.

We now have a wonderful 3-year-old daughter who is the light of our lives. Pretty much for as long as she’s known me, my wife has encouraged me to find a vocation that I really care about and would be excited to do. She has this.

She loves her job and works long hours.

At the end of last year, it finally clicked for me and I figured out what I wanted to do. It meant going back to grad school for 2 years to get qualified in my field but then I would be able to start out on my own and earn roughly the same as I do now.

The same money but in a role that I was passionate about. My wife has supported me 100% on this and I’ve been really excited, have applied for school and would start next summer (2023).

We were talking just now and she was saying that she thought I should get a part-time job for the two years that I’m at school.

I told her that I didn’t want to do that as between school, the upkeep of the house, being a present parent for our daughter and partner for my wife, there really wasn’t the time. Plus a part-time job wasn’t going to earn very much in the grand scheme of things.

I asked her why it was so important as between loans, a fraction of the equity in our house, and her income we would be fine. She then said, ‘I just can’t believe you don’t want to contribute.’ It took my breath away and left me feeling really upset.

The financial impact I understand but to say that I wouldn’t be contributing?

For what it’s worth, I’ve out-earned my wife probably more than two to one since we met. I have paid the majority of things like the mortgage and groceries throughout our relationship. When we bought our house, she was renting and I owned my own place.

I put down $350k for the new house, she didn’t put anything in. There’s currently about $800k of equity in the house and I’d be looking at taking about $100k of that. It was my money, to begin with, but I completely agree that it is now our house and our finances.

I’m just really deflated that after everything I’ve done for us as well as all the other non-financial things I will be doing for the next two years that she views it as ‘not contributing’.

So, AITJ for not wanting to work when I go back to grad school?”

Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ, I work full time and I’m a student.

No, I’m not a parent but a lot of people exaggerate how hard it is. It’s not easy but it’s possible. There are online colleges that are far easier and quicker to get the degree. Studying other career options is also a good idea. But once you are married, in my opinion, both parties have to mutually agree whether or not one of them can just stop working and financially provide.

You say you understand that it’s both of your funds, but since you even brought up the amounts you both made, you clearly don’t understand. You admit she works long hours, putting all the financial responsibilities on her is a lot of pressure especially when she doesn’t agree with your decision.” Stocktontimothy12

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Not working for a moment there shouldn’t be a problem if you’re financially secure as a family and your wife wouldn’t need to work longer hours.

If you’re cooking, cleaning, parenting, and ‘babysitting’ your daughter, then you’re contributing. If your wife feels that you’re not, maybe have a discussion about the topic with her.

Sometimes even only vocalizing what you’re doing on a daily basis can really help in understanding how much time different things take. And even just taking some of her share of household duties can help to lift the pressure off her back.” Listette

Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. Your wife would still be doing all the things as well as working.

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t work while getting a master’s, especially in middle age. It might not be a bad idea to get a part-time entry-level job in the field of your choice while going for that masters. Taking yourself completely out of the workforce, for whatever reason, makes it much harder to reenter it in the future.

You’re 40, not 20.” misslo718

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Your wife is out of bounds on the ‘not contributing’ comment, all things considered. I understand how this would hurt you, but hurting her back solves nothing.

You two need to talk this through without mutual judgment. I can understand her being scared about how finances will work during you being in school, so crunch the numbers and present her with your plan to remove that fear and help her be confident about your shared fiscal future.” HannahDaviau

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Ericanae 2 months ago
Ntj. You have a plan to provide the income necessary to not put your family out. I think she's failing to see how she might have taken you a little for granted before. And while many people work whole in college and grad school, there is an impact to grades. I think you should follow through on your plan. And I think that you should have a frank conversation about how taking care of the household and your child is contributing. I commend you on putting yourself and your family in a solid position for you to be able to make this move for the better.
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13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Visited At The Hospital?

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“I’m (37f) in the hospital receiving inpatient chemo for 6 days, and while I was taking a nap yesterday, after a rough night, my partner’s (38m) dad (60’sm) showed up at the hospital to visit me during the afternoon. I’m not the biggest fan of my partner’s dad, as he was/is abusive and just not the type of person I would be close with.

My partner is well aware of this.

Anyway, his dad showed up at the hospital which is about 5 minutes away from his house, and called my partner to get my room number so he could come to visit. My partner then just GAVE it to him without checking with me or even notifying me.

I woke up to his dad stroking my bald head, which I already don’t like. It was a shock and the smell of his strong cologne made me feel nauseated.

Shortly after, my lunch arrived, but I no longer felt like eating. My partner showed up a couple of hours later and after his dad left, I let him know that that was not ok.

He then started to argue and try to justify it and acted like I was being ungrateful for his Dad taking time out of his day to visit me. Then he asked if it would be different if it was my brother who unexpectedly showed up.

I told him my brother would never do that because it’s really rude, but even if he did, I would have a similar reaction, and I actually love my brother. So, AITJ for complaining about someone taking the time to visit me while I’m in the hospital?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I don’t see what your partner was supposed to say to his dad.

Probably caught off guard when asked what your room number is. It doesn’t sound like anyone was totally out of line. You’re in the hospital and even if you don’t get along with your partner’s father, for good reasons it sounds like, he was obviously trying to show that he cares.

Most likely just a misunderstanding. Not something to fight over.

Don’t go overboard and get him banned from visiting you as some people suggested. Talk to your partner, get him to explain that you don’t want to be visited while in the hospital by his father, and forget about it.

Or do whatever you feel is right. I’m just some random dude from the internet. Regardless, get better OP. Hope the chemo goes well.” MrManners122

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and I’m sorry, WHAT DID HE SAY? I’m always staggered by the way people throw around the word ‘ungrateful’ in anecdotes on this sub because in my entire real life I have never encountered so many shockingly, aggressively, stubbornly, like truly UNBELIEVABLE people who think that others should not only accept but be ‘grateful’ to be treated in obnoxious ways by self-absorbed people who think of no one but themselves…

and then expect them to apologize when they aren’t ‘grateful’ for that.

I’m honestly starting to think that people have, like, a fundamental misunderstanding around what gratitude is, and how it is meant to work.

So no, my friend, you are absolutely NOT meant to be ‘grateful’ that someone intruded upon you without asking first, when you are hospitalized, exhausted, incredibly ill, and dealing with medication infusions that will, at least temporarily, make you feel worse instead of better.

You are not meant to be ‘grateful’ that someone would come into your hospital room wearing strong cologne (already a massive no-no in most hospitals, which are usually fragrance-free zones these days for precisely the reason that scented products are problematic for many patients), and stroke/touch your body without your consent while you were sleeping (ew!).

You don’t owe your partner’s dad anything. You are not meant to be ‘grateful’ that he did something you neither asked for nor wanted, which added to both your stress and physical discomfort. His choices do not require your gratitude. Not in any sane universe. And your partner is a massive (and very confused) jerk for thinking that they do, as well as a jerk for not asking you about your visitor preferences.

Oh, and by the way, you also weren’t required to play, ‘Well, of course, I don’t want ANY visitors, not just your dad.’ He can get lost with that. If you wanted your brother there and NOT HIS DAD, that wouldn’t make you a jerk either.

You’re the sick person. It’s your choice. Your partner has a serious boundary and privacy problem and needs to learn to respect yours. NTJ.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Nurses are Front Line WARRIORS when it comes to protecting their patients. Give your primary nurse a list of people who are not allowed to visit without advance notice/your ‘personal’ approval.

Maybe take note those who are not allowed to visit at all. Do that and they will take care of it.

Your partner may have a fit, but he’s being insensitive and reckless with your health and boundaries… so he kinda lost the right to have a say.

That said, I am surprised your hospital just let someone into your room at random considering how vulnerable your immune system is when undergoing intensive chemo.” GeekyStitcher

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rbleah 3 months ago
Coming while you are sleeping off meds and then PETS YOUR HEAD LIKE YOU WERE A FUCKING CAT? NO NO NO, your SO is an ass for not standing up for you and telling daddy NO, she just wants to rest, I will let you know when she is awake and ready for visitors. OMG what are these people thinking?
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12. AITJ For Not Wanting Help?

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“I asked my mom to borrow her grass eater to cut around my fence and told her I would be over to get it on my next day off (she and my brother live next door). She said she would tell my brother to do it for me.

I said no thanks, I want to do it myself. I didn’t tell her this but I have several reasons, 1) my brother and I aren’t on great terms right now and I don’t want to ask him for anything 2) my large dogs are in my fence and I wanted to be able to put them inside when this was done and also don’t really want anyone entering the fence when I’m not around to avoid them pushing out and 3) I just really like taking care of myself.

So when I got home yesterday, someone had already done it. I told my mom, and I believe I was polite, I appreciate she wanted to help but I had told her no thank you and didn’t appreciate her doing it anyway. She says I’m the jerk for not being grateful and is upset.

I do sort of see how it looks as if I’m being ungrateful by not just saying thanks but I feel ignored and I don’t like it. Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

No means No. You set boundaries and they were not respected. How come you are supposed to be the jerk now???

Also, I do not like that sort of behavior.

People do that disrespectful stuff for themselves to get some praise and thank you’s, not for you. If they did it for you, they would have listened and would have heard your No. So again, NTJ.” Disastrous_Pin_5223

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Imagine you’re in a restaurant and you order a steak.

The server mentions that the chef can cut your steak into bites for you. You decline, but the steak comes out to be cut into bite-size pieces. Do you complain? Probably. Because you asked for something specific and they chose to give you something else.

It’s a bit different because we’re not talking about a paid service, but it’s not a favor to do something you’ve specifically asked them not to do.

What if you mentioned wanting to paint your house? Would they just choose a color and do it for you? You’d likely be annoyed if you came home to that, right?

The challenge here is not whether you’re right or not. The challenge is how to address the issue so your preference is not ignored, without creating more conflict than you want in your family relationships.

My advice would be to let this slide into the past without addressing it further, but in the future be careful to ask at a time or in a way that can’t be misunderstood. It’s going to be more mental load and emotional labor for you, but in the end, it will be the most peaceful path forward.

Side question: do you think your brother did this ‘favor’ for you as a peace offering? Maybe he feels bad about the two of you not being in a great place right now.” SuzieQbert

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My mother does this too and I hate it. It is nice to offer help (although your mother didn’t offer to help herself but offered somebody else’s help without consulting them first, which is also not really nice), but you are allowed to decline the offer and she should respect that.

You can talk to her, but I’m not sure this will help. Moving to the other side of the country helped me a lot though…” InternationalVideo46

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Beenthruit 1 week ago
NTJ. Your mom disrespected your boundaries.
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11. AITJ For Not Allowing My Family To Borrow My Laptop?

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“I (16f) have a Chromebook and a very weak/small laptop. We are currently on vacation and my mother, brother, and grandparents want to watch F1, I have both my Chromebook and laptop with me and they wanted to use my laptop as my mother’s Chromebook is harder to connect to the tv (though it did annoy me as I already told them I wouldn’t lend them anything for F1 and they told me they didn’t need to because they have my mom’s Chromebook).

I lend them my laptop, they watched F1 and when they were done they told me it was almost empty. I was annoyed cause I had already given them my charger before F1 started. They told me I can just charge it, I told them it’s rude to use something and give it back empty.

They told me I was overreacting and to just charge it so they could use it tomorrow, I said no because it’s my school laptop and I don’t want to come to class and realize it’s empty. My grandpa decided to charge it for which I’m thankful but my mother and brother think I overreacted and are telling me they’re using it tomorrow and my mother paid for it and she has the final say, I said fine but I want to get it back charged and otherwise I won’t lend it again.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, but mostly you OP. Yeah, it was slightly rude of them to return it drained but seriously, this is NOT a big deal you’re turning a tiny, tiny issue that most people wouldn’t even glance at into a war, as though they broke it or something.

If you want everyone to avoid you, yeah keep going ahead using nukes to destroy an ant nest.” Few-Cookie9298

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – they shouldn’t have returned it empty but unless you needed it for a specific reason right away, you could have just charged it yourself.

Leave it plugged in overnight or even when you’re using it next.” hdawne12

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, everyone is being really immature about this. If one was a school laptop then no they probably don’t need to use it for something personal (I’m not sure what F1 is) but why are you making such a big deal about charging it? Why did your grandfather have to charge it, I assume all that’s involved is plugging it in somewhere and letting it sit?” whiterice2323

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10. AITJ For Not Asking A Friend To Come Over?

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“I (19M) am currently going through a tough time and I really just wanted to make myself feel better. I was looking for a distraction and one of my friends invited me over to drink/hang out/stay the night. This was an impulse decision and very last minute, (it’s pretty late at night) so I head on to my friend’s house and have a few drinks.

We discuss the possibility of inviting our other friend (22F) over, and so we check her stories to see if she’s up to anything. We see her post stories of herself drinking and stuff so we thought that she wouldn’t be able to make it, and we don’t end up inviting her.

Long story short, she finds out that we hung out and she’s very upset at us right now. I tried to explain to her about how this wasn’t a planned thing and how we thought she was busy, but she says that isn’t an excuse for not inviting her.

Fair enough, so I apologize for assuming her situation. I tried to explain to her about how I’m not really in a good headspace and how it caused me to think selfishly, and I also apologized for that. but now she isn’t talking to me. I really want to fix things with her and, I’d really like to get another opinion on this situation.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Sometimes plans just come up last minute, and she seemed to be having plans of her own. It’s not a big deal. I could kind of understand she might have felt a bit left out, but you already explained what happened and even apologized. She should grow up.” happyhippo_1

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

If she was so upset about not being invited why hadn’t she contacted either of you to hang out? Weird.

Hope you get through your tough time OP! Hugs.” User

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, why is she mad if she was already out with other people? She wasn’t exactly home doing nothing and you at least checked to see if she was available and about. Doesn’t make a lot of sense.” ldg7991

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diwi1 3 months ago
NTJ it’s okay to hang out with friends individually or what different groups of friends at different times. That you thought to invite her in general was very thoughtful of you. You noticed she was busy, and continued on with your evening. Perfectly acceptable. I have friends I notice do this to others, and then guilt trip every time something goes down, or but their way in and then ask for the plans to change to accommodate them. It’s not healthy and it’s usually a sign that boundaries need to be established.
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9. AITJ For Not Allowing My Mom To Use My Computer?

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“Yesterday it was around 10:30 pm and I was lying on my bed when my mom comes in and says: ‘Can you lend me your computer so I can record a class I’m going to have?’ (note: the class was from Turkey, and the class would start around 3:00 am, so she would have to record it to watch at a time when she was less tired).

I literally only use my computer for games, so it only has games installed on it, the opera and a clip system, then I explained to her that if she wants to record the class, she would need a program that captures the screen and the audio, and all the programs I know that do this are paid, I explained to her that because I don’t have my financial independence I wouldn’t pay for any program (I’m only 15) she said she wouldn’t be interested in paying for a program either, so she suggested to me a program that was free but that I’m sure had more problems than stars in space.

So after this brief analysis, I explained to her that I wouldn’t be able to download that one because I didn’t want to expose my computer to it, at the same moment she walked out of my room with a frown, I just didn’t care, I let her go, (in that I was already exhausted but I couldn’t sleep because I had a volleyball competition the next day, my first competition) after about 30/40 minutes I went to ask her who was going to take me to my competition, and how she would record her class, she said she wouldn’t take me, I soon asked why, and she replied ‘because I’m not going’ that is, she could take me she just doesn’t want that, she also replied that she would use my father’s computer to record your class.

(Note: Since I was younger, I’ve been treated like this, I have anxiety and she often treated me like this for no reason, I’m an over-thinker, situations like this hurt me a lot) AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but how are you not able to find a screen recording software when you game? Nvidia has a built-in screen recording function, OBS is free and is what is used by a lot of game streamers, there’s Flashback, Bandicam, and Filmora, all used by tons of people especially YouTubers and Twitch streamers.

I believe you should have the right to privacy and control over your own computer, but ‘I couldn’t find a recording software’ isn’t really a very good excuse for that.” User

Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – Honestly, I think you are overreacting. You never said that your mom was rude to you.

You never said that she yelled, cursed, belittled you, or anything. She left your room with a frown on her face. Understandable. She might have been frustrated that your computer won’t do what she needed it for.

Just because she was frowning doesn’t mean she was frowning at you.

You asked about the competition and she said she wasn’t taking you because she wasn’t going. You don’t say that she was rude or condescending or anything. Maybe she meant that your dad is taking you because he is the one going.” Impossible-Leek-2830

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You made a good faith effort to help, you didn’t find a program to record video and audio, and you didn’t trust her not to destroy your computer.

I don’t know what anyone could have expected you to do.

Then, you make it seem like she backed out of taking you to your competition because she was upset you didn’t let her use your computer. If that’s true, it’s very manipulative and your mum should be better than that.” Arc_Nexus

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Pcogale 3 months ago
NTJ - if your mom really wanted to record the class she should've paid for a program if there were cheap reasonable ones. Alternatively there are likely good free ones and possibly built into the operating system anyway.

Your response was reasonable and there was every chance that installing a program you didn't want and didn't need could potentially cause an issue with your computer and you'd find yourself reformatting and reinstalling everything.

What was completely inappropriate was your mothers childish behaviour refusing to give you a lift to your volley ball. You are a child who doesn't have a license or a car. It also sounds like this is common manipulative type behaviour for her.

Have a look at what sort of behaviour narcissists like to employ and other personality disorders. You may find that you have a bit of an epiphany about your mother. It's not you, it's her. But knowing what you are dealing helps you with strategies to protect yourself and also come to the acceptance that your mothers behaviour is not a reflection on you and you don't owe her anything.
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8. AITJ For Not Spending Time With My In-Laws?

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“After spending spring break with my in-laws (MIL, FIL, SIL, and BIL) I decided not to have my children around them. The reason? My oldest is 11 yr old girl and my in-laws expect her to play with her 5 yr old girl cousin. The 5 yr is a bratty child, and if she doesn’t get her way, she starts to threaten my daughter.

She threatens that she will tell their grandmother that my daughter is bothering her. Also, one time, my daughter’s friend came over to play video games which the 5 yr old can’t participate in. She doesn’t know how. So, she had a meltdown and started to say her cousin and friend are ignoring her.

When I explain to her that my daughter is older and can’t always play with her, my BIL and SIL tell the 5 yr old that when my daughter comes over to visit, she will ignore you. Then the 5 yr old continued to call my daughter nasty, stupid, and hit and scratched her.

My daughter blocked her and consequently, she ended up falling and spilling her drink all over her. When my SIL heard her daughter crying, she asked ‘what has your cousin done?’ When I told her she is hitting my daughter, and we asked her to stop, she won’t.

So, my daughter blocked her kick and she fell over. My SIL didn’t care and left my house. Then my MIL and FIL, said my daughter is ignoring her cousin. When I told them she’s older and can’t always play with her younger cousin, they ignored me and said, my daughter hurt the 5 yr old’s feelings.

When my daughter talked to her grandfather, he ignored her. When she talked to her uncle, he ignored her too. Then when she showed her grandmother the scratch her cousin gave her, the grandmother said ‘it’s nothing’ and didn’t say much and sort of ignored her.

When I asked MIL, if my SIL was upset, she ignored me. But they were quick to tell me how my daughter upset her cousin.

My hubby is upset with me. He doesn’t see them that often since they live in Canada and we live in Texas.

He thinks I need to let it be. He planned for us to stay 2 weeks in Canada over the summer, however, I said no!

There are other things that made me realize why I shouldn’t be around them.

I’m not French Canadian like them so my MIL always makes comments about how she hopes her 2 single sons end up marrying a French Canadian.

I’m just fed up with having to deal with rudeness and asinine comments.

We’ve been arguing since they left because I told him, I don’t want my kids around his family. I told my hubby he can go spend the 2 weeks with his family. Or we can go for 3 days at the most and he can stay but my children come home with me.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The fact that your husband (I’m assuming your daughter’s father) is ok with his child being attacked and mistreated to placate his family, you already know your situation is bad.

I always ask this whenever I see these types of posts — serious question: what was his family’s behavior like towards you before you married and procreated with him? If it was just like this, WHY did you marry him?

Let him go back to Canada and send him divorce papers.” Traditional_Curve401

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – what a toxic environment for ALL of the children involved.

Looks like they are being pitted against each other in some kind of weird adult peeing contest. I don’t want to be around any of you.” sarahlampi

Another User Comments:
“NTJ and a fantastic parent! Standing up for your daughter when every other adult thinks it’s ok to bully a child is amazing.

And your husband is a coward who would rather be accepted by his parents than be respected by his own children. So if for any reason his Canadian family decides to be more involved in your family’s life… get a divorce.” Powderkegofspite

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Pcogale 3 months ago
NTJ - you are right to protect your daughter and if her father can't do her the same courtesy then he's a jerk.

Your husband has been conditioned to accept this sort of behaviour from his parents and siblings and it's 'normal' to him and is a lot more desensitised to what it really is.

Have a look at some information on narcissistic parents and your husband should really reflect on what his parents are and some strategies to protect yourselves. Your husband really needs to take a long hard look at himself and his family and what they are doing.

I would probably not allow the 11 year old to be in a room alone with the bratty 5 year old. If you do visit your daughter can sit with you and partake in the adult conversation. If the others tell her to go and play with the 5 year old then you can join your daughter in 'playing' with the 5 year old. You may find that the 5 year old won't dare behave like she has been in the view of an adult.

As your daughter gets older she will likely stay away from this side of the family and perhaps withdraw from her dad as he's accepting of how his parents, siblings and niece have treated her.
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7. AITJ For Not Finding My Partner's Prank Funny?

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“So me (19m) and my SO (19f) have been living together for almost a year and have a really good relationship. She and her friend had been talking about wanting to take a trip probably next FALL with me and her friend (Anna) and her SO for a while.

(my SO has never been to another country) And my sister is having her wedding in mid-June.

So my SO and I had just visited my sister and talked about her upcoming wedding and when we leave, my gf pranks me in the car on our way home.

She says, ‘I meant to tell you this later but I and Anna made reservations for a trip today… And we accidentally booked it on your sister’s wedding day… I just felt hyped and forgot to check the date.’ I just answer ‘oh… you’re kidding right?’ Because she has done small pranks like this before.

She sounds really convincing and says, ‘No I’m actually not… And I checked the reservations while we were drinking coffee and they are already paid without a refund if you cancel.’

‘Okay…’ I said. ‘So you made reservations for a trip, without discussing it with me when you know I wanted to be with you AND also at my sister’s wedding?…

You can’t be serious? Tell me you are joking…’

Now this continued for 15 minutes and I said there’s nothing to talk about, I’m disappointed but it is what it is I guess… I made it clear I was hurt and it was a big screw-up on her part.

Then she tells me she was joking and she would never do such a mess and she just wanted to see how I would react.

I said, ‘Well that was a bad joke’ and I didn’t smile. Because it wasn’t funny. I got really hurt because I thought she was dead serious.

Then she tells me to laugh at it and be happy it was a joke.

I said I was glad it was a joke but I’m still feeling sour because I was in a bad mood and now it’s hard to just feel happy instantly. Because she dragged it out for over 20 minutes.

If it would have been 5mins I wouldn’t have been sour.

I spoke to her about it and she said she was sorry and that she didn’t think I believed her (because I ‘should have known’ she would never do that and if she did she would fix it) and therefore kept the ‘prank’ going.

She didn’t mean to hurt my feelings and affect my trust. She promised to not pull something like that again. Also, I’d like to add that I believe her because she is great and mature usually, this is the exception. I also told her that it was BECAUSE I never thought she would do something like that, that it made me feel even more disappointed.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

You’re not a jerk but I believe your partner. The reason is I would have laughed. This mistake would cost me nothing. I’d still be going to the wedding and she’d have to pay for the nonrefundable trip she booked. I would have thought her stupidity was hilarious.

I’m assuming two things though. One, you would go to the wedding instead of the trip anyway no matter what she planned. Two, she does not have the ability to spend YOUR money on a trip like this without your knowledge. If she has that kind of access to your finances, you might want to reconsider that.” disruptionisbliss

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

‘She just wanted to see how I would react.’

This is such a red flag. Either she doesn’t trust you to react well to something, or she’s seeing how far she can push your boundaries and manipulate you. Either way, it’s a super unhealthy way to manage a relationship.” that_jedi_girl

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she’s acting like her age…

A teenager. (No offense but…)

These ‘pranks’ are not funny. She’s playing these little mind games to see how your reactions are. And then she turns it around and makes it a you-issue.

Tell her to stop with these pranks as 1. It’s NOT funny and 2. If she’s really trying to test you, you’ll be testing out of this relationship real quick.” PonderWhoIAm

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Pcogale 3 months ago
NTJ - she's either behaving like a child and will hopefully grow up a little over this.... or you may need to take a closer look at your relationship.

There was nothing funny about this and I'm not sure it was a prank. I would nearly suspect she was testing you as to who you would choose if there are competing events that involve her.
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6. AITJ For Not Hiring My Sister As My Realtor?

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“My sister (36) got her realtor’s license sometime in early 2020. Since then, she’s sold one and only one house, which was to our cousin. She’s also managed to lease a handful of apartments in that same timeframe.

My fiancé and I just got the ball rolling on looking for a house and had a few conversations with not only the realtor but the loan officer as well.

My family ended up at my cousin’s house for Easter and some of my family members were trying to explain the concept of Zillow (an American real-estate company)  to my grandfather. My uncle mentioned how crazy the housing market is, and in that conversation, I went on to say ‘So we’ve been told… the loan officer we spoke with last week basically informed us that going the FHA loan route would make it tougher for us to get a house’.

My sister overheard this and had a shocked Pikachu face and asked why I didn’t consult her before using a different realtor. I politely explained that I refused to mix business with family… and a few family members agreed. She then tried putting words in my mouth with ‘You said that when you would look for a house, you’d use me as your realtor’… when I said nothing of the kind and reiterated my position of not mixing business with family and that it was wrong of her to expect that from me.

This ultimately leads her to have a complete meltdown going so far as to accuse me and my fiancé of hiding it from her and how rude it was to not discuss it with her beforehand. For the third time, I explained that we were under zero obligation to 1.

Consult her for realtor services, and 2. Inform her of every decision we were making as far as house-hunting goes.

AITJ for not using my sister as a realtor?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister sounds desperate and entitled. Just because she got her realtor license doesn’t mean that she’s entitled to your business.

She says it was rude of you to not consult her first, but it is actually rude and presumptuous of her to assume that you should use her just because she’s your sister. You’re smart to not mix business with family. It usually gets messy and a lose-lose situation.

Especially with the crazy housing market right now, having an experienced and competent realtor is so important. Saying this as someone who went through this whole process not too long ago.” untroddenpath

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My aunt got into real estate and she convinced a family member to let her sell her house because my aunt would save her funds that other realtors would charge.

So the relative went along with it. In the end, it was a quick sale for less than market value, and my aunt collected as much as any realtor and walked away happy.

So my other relative gained nothing but received a bit less than she should have on the sale price and did not walk away happy.

Since I saw that happen, I tell anyone who brings this kind of deal up ‘Don’t work with a relative on this’. If it doesn’t go well there won’t be much you can do without causing a war within the family. It’s better to just make your sister unhappy now and prevent widespread problems later.” disruptionisbliss

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

It’s ok to not mix family and friends with business. The one thing I have to add on top of that though, and it sounds like you are doing just this, keep the whole transaction separate from that relationship. Don’t go to her for advice at all through the process, because then it’s like you want her advice but you’re not willing to pay for it.

It’s a super tough market for new agents right now… and honestly even established buyers agents… so I can understand why she feels hurt, but you aren’t obligated to give her your business.” tabbikat86

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rbleah 3 months ago
She does NOT sound like a good realtor if the only home she has sold is to a relative. Was she expecting FAMILYYYYYYY to support her by using her as their realtor? Not realistic on her part.
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5. AITJ For Not Going To My Brother's Wedding?

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“I (26f) already made it clear to my mother and my sister-in-law (26f) that I was happy for her and my brother (37m). They’ve given me the wedding date and I openly declined. It caused quite a stir. Especially from my mother (72), who I love and care for very much.

I don’t want to hurt her, but I am not putting myself through that torture of sitting in a corner awkwardly for hours. I’d rather schedule work that day.

I already refused to attend every family gathering over the past 2 years and henceforth because of the steady cutting off from my dad’s family.

As a side note, he passed away 25 years ago.

I graduated with 2 degrees and high school with zero attendance from any family member.  Hockey games, volleyball, and extracurriculars happened with zero families. I got pitiful looks from attendees that hurt even more. Then witnessing my family make the distance for every other thing my brother does…

I just quit them entirely.

Also, my brother and I don’t have the best relationship either. He has said awful things about me. We were close probably 12 years ago, but things changed after he had children with someone who had illegal habits. I adore his children, just done with his attitude.

I’ve tried to figure it out with nothing. I just don’t want my mother to be hurt like this. I just want peace, which is why I’m cutting them out. If this is wrong to do, I just want to figure it out. I don’t know about the etiquette of these things.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“You are not obligated to do anything you don’t want to do. If your mom is so upset, agree to spend the next day with her and hear all about it (even if you don’t care).

Also, and I know it’s not the point of the post but, your mom not attending important events because she worked full-time is a bit of a cop-out.

There was annual leave or sick days or shift swaps or getting in a bit late or finishing a bit early. And no car just means a cab or a friend or public transport etc.

NTJ.” Heraonolympia123

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Blood only means you shouldn’t reproduce together. You are NEVER beholden or ‘owed’ to people just bc of blood.

Honestly, the whole worship of the concept of the family gets a little culty sometimes… when they make it obvious you are lesser to them yet will still demand you show up for the snubbings and abuse, they’ve also made it obvious you can do better, and deserve to find better.

Find the people who treat you with as much effort as you put into them; THAT’S family.” Dizavid

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

If you do not feel comfortable attending then that’s completely fine. Maybe talk to your mother and see if she is capable of understanding your feelings.

I am not sure how weddings work everywhere else, but if you do feel like attending for your mother and if there is a way for you to show up for a few minutes and then leave then maybe consider that?

Again, if I was in your position I don’t think I’ll be attending this. My mental health deserves better.” strvwbery

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Pcogale 3 months ago
NTJ - you're not obligated to attend your brothers wedding at all. And your mother should understand this knowing what's happened over the last few years. She's kinda manipulating you. And I wonder whether she's more worried about how you not being there reflects on her (to the rest of the family) rather than considering your feelings.
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4. AITJ For Wanting To Buy Concert Tickets?

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“I’m (41f) married with one child. So to preface, we ended up owing like 300 for our federal taxes for, the first time ever. However, we got back over $800 for our state taxes.

My husband and I have been dealing with being tight on finances since March.

Why? My husband got injured at work and isn’t able to do his regular job due to doctor’s orders.

1st week of it had him work like 12 hours so that was a financial hit, to say the least. His own personal doctor said he shouldn’t be working until he gets an MRI, but my husband decided since his boss asked him to do them a favor by doing things their way, he would do whatever they asked and see only their doctors.

So the big boss created an unneeded position (his new supervisor told him it was unneeded). It is a 3rd shift position from 10p-6 am. Additionally, he has many doctor appointments that limit the amount of sleep he gets.

About 2 weeks ago, my husband decided to take a leave of absence for 1 week (last week and didn’t even discuss it with me), citing he had to take care of his mother recovering from surgery.

He said the doctors told him, that he needed her doctors to sign off that needed to be there for it, and he would get paid.

Spoiler alert, his mom went to short-term rehab, which he knew. He didn’t need to take care of her. He was so surprised that her docs didn’t sign off.

So that one week’s leave of absence is UNPAID! This wasn’t about his mom, he didn’t visit her that week besides once for an hour to bring her something, this was about being exhausted. Which I understand totally.

The week he decided to take the leave of absence for the following week, he kept on taking days off (he only needed the 2 days but took additional for himself, but said he had PTO) so he got a 200 paycheck, cause guess what didn’t have enough PTO, and I had to use my whole one to pay bills

Here’s where I may be the jerk, I told him when we received our state return this week that I wanted to use 200 for us both to go to a concert later this summer, and I have an emergency savings account with 300 in case something pops up.

He immediately said that we are tight on finances and purchases like that can wait, I said that if he hadn’t taken a week off without pay basically 2 weeks in a row, or chose not to prioritize his boss’s need for him to not get paid via workers comp over his own health, it would be a different story.

He said I was a jerk for pointing my finger at him.

So AITJ for wanting to get concert tickets while tight on finances, and throwing my husband’s choices back in his face?

EDIT 2: I didn’t mention it, because I didn’t call him out on it, but I shouldn’t have used the choice to not listen to his doctors, to call him out, I was the jerk.

I should have reminded him that when we only had limited money the week before, much less than we have now, he chose to go out and spend 100 bucks to go out with friends. I ignored the issue in that and just supported it because I didn’t want it to seem that I was forbidding him from going out.

I didn’t even think in the heat of the moment to give that reason because I have been internally upset he chose the way he did with this as well as taking unpaid leave was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Edited to add: He chose to follow his boss’s orders to do it their way and not get paid by workers comp and work a 3rd shift, instead of listening to his own doctor who said he should be out of work till an MRI.

He is allowed to be treated by his own doctors and follows their orders but his boss asked him not to, which is literally illegal and he went with it anyway. If he had done that, he would have never needed to take essentially 2 weeks off with no pay.

I’m super sympathetic to his injury and want him to heal, and can deal with the finances being tight for it, but when he lied about why he needed to take the time off, for his mom, and chose to listen to his boss who was only thinking of the company, I don’t have sympathy for that.”

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.

You for even thinking of concerts right now… your family is in crisis mode, both financially and in terms of health. Him because as you said, doing what his employer wanted and only seeing THEIR doctors (this is how businesses make sure they can fire you legally and claim any issues are your own fault and not theirs.

Anytime your business tries to get you to use just ‘their’ doctors, DO ANYTHING BUT.)

Your husband sounds like he may be facing disability one day, I hate to say. Maybe not but promise I know personally what I mean when I say it NEVER hurts to begin thinking ahead with that idea in mind just in case, so you aren’t completely sidelined by it.

However if originally he wasn’t headed that way, he upped his chances letting his employer take lead.

PEOPLE, YOUR EMPLOYER IS THERE TO MAKE MONEY! That’s their job and there’s nothing wrong with that, just by the same token there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging this can put your company at odds with your own actual best interests.

I sincerely hope he doesn’t find that out the hard way during all this. However… do kinda give him some humanity. It’s really… REALLY… hard to accept your body failing you, turning traitor on you.

It’s soooo dreadfully easy to just ignore any and all implications. It’s terrifying.

He’s probably terrified rn and doesn’t know how to even express it. I may not even realize that’s what he’s feeling. This would be a great time, if not already, for him (or maybe all) to take up therapy. Hard times are coming and y’all may need the help navigating the tough emotions hard times bring.

Best wishes and strength!” Dizavid

Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.

Ok here is my (European) take. Your husband got insured AT WORK, which makes it medically impossible to WORK more. He should never have to take unpaid leave for that. Why the heck is he not insured for a workplace injury? Did he go to the Union? That system screwed your family over.

NEITHER OF YOU is the jerk in this one.

Of course, it will add strain on both of you. He is doing more than he should medically which is less than enough financially. I’m sorry you guys are in such a tough spot. I don’t think you are unreasonable to want to do something fun together but if (300$??) is all you have in emergency savings I would be anxious too.

That just covers next to nothing but then again the 200$ prob doesn’t change that.

If this is an ongoing situation you guys should try to restructure… perhaps you can downsize to a smaller apartment (less rent, lower bills), get rid of a vehicle, etc. before a broken washer sends you down a sent spiral…

Don’t forget to be kind to each other you are in this together – thank the institution of marriage for that one.” vineviper

Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.

Your husband sounds immature and unreliable. He doesn’t have a good work ethic and that is concerning in the long run.

I would have a serious sit-down talk because you shouldn’t be paying for all of these things while he takes time off of work for himself.

That being said… you have an emergency fund of $300… THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS… that is nowhere near enough money for an emergency fund.

I get you to want to go to this concert but I think you should be financially responsible for yourself and save funds.

If you are arguing about fairness tho it’s not fair that your husband gets to spend money or chooses to not make enough means to help support you guys.

The answer though isn’t to buy unnecessary things when finances are tight. The answer is to solve the husband’s problem. Whether that be him helping you financially contribute or you leaving and being financially responsible for only yourself.

I just don’t think the answer is to buy concert tickets when you barely have money, to begin with.” 926dr

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3. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Share With The Expenses?

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“I’m 22 and my partner just turned 20. We’ve been together for a little over a year and it’s been good. She lives with her parents, I live with my dad and we’re moving out (me and my partner) in 2 – 3 months.

I work, she works and we have our own finances etc.

So usually when I go to her we don’t spend so much at all since it’s her parents’ place there’s always food etc so no need to spend a lot on anything. But when we’re over at my place there isn’t always something my partner wants to eat.

I usually have stuff that fills my needs which of course leads to us going shopping when she’s around. What I noticed tho is that she never wants to pay, always saying she doesn’t have enough, etc etc, and sometimes responds with ‘why do I need to spend a lot on shopping for you’ when it’s not even for me.

and I always end up spending. Even today I took her out to McDonald’s which is fine but I feel like she thinks that if she’s over at my place she has no obligation to spend.

I find this problematic as I’m trying to save funds and balance our spending, at the same time this is creating a bad dynamic and I feel like it’s going to affect us when we move out together.

It doesn’t feel right to me. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. But this isn’t a hot potato, you need to talk and compromise, not try to get out of as much as possible (at both of you).

There’s obviously a disparity, in that she and/or her parents are covering you when you visit her, but you and/or your dad aren’t covering her when she visits you.

You may say ‘there’s always food etc’, but it didn’t magically appear there: someone bought that food and will have to buy more in order to replace it, so someone that’s not you is paying for you at her place.

Now, if it’s her, then the fair thing would be for you to cover her coming to yours, straight swap.

But if it’s her parents, then it’s more awkward. You can’t demand your dad start getting in extra at his expense for her just because that’s what her parents do for you, but it’s unfair if either of you is the only one paying for food.

It is just as unfair if she is always the only one paying as if you are.

You should start to cover yourself when you go to hers or contribute to whoever is currently paying for you, and then she can cover herself at yours. Even if food is ‘just there’, it’s not your food, so chip in.

Otherwise, you both split the cost of her coming to yours – take turns, half the bill, start a kitty fund, whatever works for you guys – to minimize both your costs and be extra grateful that her parents are covering both of you at their place.” GojuSuzi

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

You do need to sit down with her and thoroughly discuss how you are going to proceed with finances moving forward. Who is going to pay for rent/groceries/utility? How are you going to divide up the bills? Do not move in together without getting a full picture.

If you feel uncomfortable about the arrangement and/or if her attitude made you feel like she’s not going to contribute fairly do not move it with her. You can always do it at a later date but once you move in together she can leave you high and dry with bills.” ncnhjm

Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.

You guys just need a system, agree on it and follow it. My SO and I were both living on our own when we met and whatever we needed was provided by the person ‘hosting’. If we went out to eat we’d alternate although he sometimes picked up an extra meal if he ate something significantly more expensive (for instance 11 Euro for my veg.

ramen vs 29 Euro for his Sushi)…

Now that we live together, we just have a joint account for groceries in which we deposit the exact same amount and if we have enough left, we’ll pay takeout etc with it as well otherwise whoever invited the other pays…

he does do that more frequently but he earns a lot more and dislikes cooking more

You just need to find something that feels fair to both of you. Talk about your finances, and be open. A fair plan can be 50:50 but it doesn’t have to! If someone has more expensive taste and more money, you can reflect that.

If someone does more around the house, you can reflect on that too. Similarly, you can account for what her family does for you both as coming from her or as being external but you have to talk it over.” vineviper

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

You need to have a sit down with her and write down the expectations before moving forward.

Living on your own isn’t going to be easy if you don’t know what to expect. You already have misgivings about her spending habits and you don’t want that to carry on into your living arrangements. You both need to agree on how things like this are going to be handled. If it is already a problem you might not want to move in together.” TechnicalConclusion6

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Pcogale 3 months ago
This sounds like different expectations rather than someone being a jerk. I suspect your girlfriend has no idea about what it is like in the real work paying bills and how much life really costs. Her parents are likely covering most of her living expenses. She may be paying a nominal amount for board but it would probably be a fraction of what it really costs.

She may be spending most her money on her wants and expects that to continue. She may also have the idea that the guy is expected to provide for the girl and look after her and that he should be paying for it all. That may just come from her parents ideas which are likely generational.

Do your jobs pay a similar amount or is one substantially more than the other? If they are equal then it's 50:50 to pay the bills ie rent and utilities. Food can be split 50:50 as well or you can split the basics and each of you buy your own treats. Other bills like cars and petrol can be paid by the individual person.

If there's a pay disparity then the rent/utilities/food can be split in the same ratio as the wages coming in. And everyone be responsible for their own other personal debts and costs.

This is the discussion that you need to have before you even consider signing a lease to move in with her. Otherwise expect to be subsidising her lifestyle and having nothing for yourself. You haven't got a child together - that changes things.
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2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Get Rid Of The Memorial Of My Newborn Baby?

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“When I was very young, I gave birth to a stillborn baby. I was relatively far along in my pregnancy – around 33 weeks – and I felt connected to the baby and it hurt me very much, so I made a small memorial for the baby which I keep on a shelf in my bedroom – an ultrasound photo, a vase which I put and replace flowers in, and some of those decorative wooden letters to spell the baby’s name I’d planned – Dylan.

My current partner, who I’ve been with for around 2 years has always felt uncomfortable around the memorial and I didn’t know why, until he recently told me. My partner had a family member who was called Dylan, who had died. I obviously told him how sorry I was for his loss and hoped the memorial hadn’t made him too uncomfortable and said I wish I could make him feel better.

Then, he told me that he would feel better if I got rid of the memorial.

His argument is that it makes him uncomfortable and brings up bad memories for him because it reminds him of his family member’s passing, he doesn’t have any sort of memorial for his family member.

Also, that I didn’t even know the baby – and there’s no point trying to remember someone you’ve never known, and that I have told him before that I don’t want children. My argument is that it is my house, and there’s a connection between mother and child no matter what.

I don’t know what to do, I love him so much, but I don’t think I’m quite ready to let go of my son yet and I might have to break up with him if that’s a deal breaker. Am I the jerk for wanting to keep it and should I get rid of it? AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your son died and you want to remember and honor that. The fact he said that you ‘didn’t know him’ is reprehensible — absolutely an evil, awful thing to say to someone grieving the loss of a child. You knew Dylan as much as he could be known and more than anyone else in the world — he will always be your son and baby and your partner needs to butt out.

Your memorial sounds lovely and tasteful — and even if it wasn’t it’s your memorial and your home so no one else has any say.

Also, it’s really really creepy and concerning that he thinks how he feels about the death of a random family member is more important than you feel about the passing of your son.

It’s controlling and toxic to say his grief is more important than yours and then to try to minimize your son’s passing and act like it’s something you need to get over, cover up, or push aside.

You’re in no way the jerk and my heart hurts for you kid.

There’s literally no way you could be the jerk here. Your partner is a major one though.” i_am_very_chicken

Another User Comments:
“You lost your CHILD but he thinks his grief is so much more important that, rather than work through his own issues, you need to take down the way you remember your son just so he doesn’t have to feel a little uncomfy when he’s in YOUR home?

To be honest, though, I kinda don’t believe him.

He may have had a family member that died with the same name, but I feel more like, especially with how he talks about your son and how you ‘never met him’, that he doesn’t like the reminder that intercourse and pregnancy happened in your past and he is using the pretext to make you stop keeping your son’s memory alive.

Especially with the whole, ‘we don’t have a thing to remember our loved one’ argument. What’s stopping him? He seems to take more issue with you keeping your son as part of your life in some way, and that speaks more to me that he doesn’t want to deal with the idea of your past.

If he’s really so stricken with grief, he needs to seek therapy and find healthy ways of expressing it like you have. If that’s not the real issue, then that needs to be discussed, because he can’t just pretend that you only started existing when you met him.

NTJ” Slight_Flamingo_7697

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Fortunately, it’s not up to him! I commend him for sharing how that memorial makes him feel and why. He gave you information that you need to respond to, but it’s not his place to pressure you if the answer is no.

If he respected you, he’d drop it, understanding that the memorial will continue to make him uncomfortable. That’s something he needs to learn to live with if he loves you enough to stay in this relationship because you’ve had to learn how to live with losing your beloved child.

Do not for a second think you are responsible for sacrificing your feelings for his. Maybe a compromise could be reached if you kept your memorial out of view like in a drawer, but that is only if you are willing and it would not make you a jerk if you don’t want to.

You don’t need to ever let go of your son. It’s not required by law. It’s not required by relationships. That is your son and he will always be your son. You should never be pressured into shoving your grief into a box.” StraightJacketRacket

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Pcogale 3 months ago
NTJ - your partner is so out of line it's not funny. He doesn't want the reminder that there was someone else in your life who you created a child with and would prefer that there was no memorial.

This is your child. You are ever expected to forget him and your memorial is very appropriate and tasteful.

You may need to rethink your relationship. I would suspect that there are other red flags about it that you may want to reflect on.
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1. AITJ For Painting My Nails?

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“Yesterday I (M16) decided to wear nail polish to school. It was a sparkly navy blue, and I actually got a lot of compliments on it. I felt good but when I got home, my dad saw it and in my mom’s own words ‘he had such an intense look of sadness’ he later came to my room and gave me nail polish remover and cotton balls then aggressively told me to take it off.

I cried then I did it, then today happened. I’m still trying to feel better about yesterday.

My dad took me to the gym I had a good time. Then my dad said I had to drive immediately after. I was still uncomfortable with driving with him today so I asked if we could maybe later.

He got mad and started going on a tangent about how I’m a rude disrespectful child.

He then said, ‘I can’t deal with your ranting anymore today.’ He then drove us home. I just can’t tell if I’m the jerk. Please tell me if this is my fault so I can make this better.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Point out to your toxic father that any man so insecure in his masculinity that he can’t express his feelings and desires by wearing whatever he wants is not a ‘real man.’ Wearing pretty things doesn’t make you weak, or girly, or less of a man.

It means you are secure enough in your identity to be who you are. The best men are confident secure men.

Now there are ‘men’ out there who are so afraid of the gay that they refuse to wipe or touch their own butt. That is an example of toxic masculinity.’; stary_sunset

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Your dad has a very narrow view of masculinity if he thinks taking you to the gym and then it driving is supposed to counteract your wearing nail polish.

What does your mom have to say about it?

And for what it’s worth, my older brother who is very much as manly as it gets, gets his nails polished regularly.

I’d bet your dad wouldn’t dare confront him about it, not should he be confronting you.” curly_lox

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Just because you identify as a boy or man doesn’t mean you can’t wear makeup or nail polish or wear dresses or anything else you want to do.

It’s self-expression and your dad doesn’t get to control that. He’s clearly gross, and he has no right to treat you this way. And for the record, in case this becomes an issue, later on, you can be straight and wear nail polish. It’s for EVERYONE.

Own your beautiful nails, OP. I’m so proud of you for being yourself! I hope you find or make a home full of love and safety one day.” User

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diwi1 3 months ago
NTJ when I had my nails done at a salon do you know who I’d book every time? The one dude working there. He had the best brush stroke and color advice. We need more people to be open to beauty everywhere.
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