People Urge Us To Disclose Judgment On Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
17. AITJ For Telling My Husband Not To Come To Thanksgiving?
“I’m 33f, my husband is the same age.
He loathes Thanksgiving – he’s a picky eater and doesn’t like any of the options served except turkey, but even then he insists that my family doesn’t cook it right. He is NC with his side of the family except for his brothers so him going to see his family is not an option.
My sister recently moved closer so this year Thanksgiving is being held at her new house. This is the only reason the holiday came up this early. I was showing him pictures of the house from the old Zillow listing and mentioned that I didn’t want to overwhelm her by visiting so early in moving in and that I’d just wait to see it for real at Thanksgiving.
My husband grumbled something about having to attend and talk with my family. He is barely tolerant of my extended family (he doesn’t like their conversation topics, saying they all talk about themselves, they only talk about ‘old people things’, they say the same things every year, afaik they have never said anything rude to him personally but he still isn’t crazy about my side) and will just kind of hang out and talk to my dad or brother or play with my nieces/nephews.
Even if he did have a good conversation with my dad or played with my nephews he will still complain about having to see people he doesn’t care about and see all the ‘gross food’ we all eat. It is so difficult to listen to it year after year.
After he complained for a bit I told him to just not come for thanksgiving if he hates it that much. He sees all the members of my family that he likes for Christmas anyway. He looked offended at my suggestion and asked if I didn’t want his company.
I told him I love him being around but not when he’s not having fun and is going to complain at the end. He said I hurt his feelings to even suggest that he not come with me to something he’s invited to. I told him if he’s not having fun at an event that he has no obligation to attend he doesn’t have to come.
He still insists that he’s hurt and that he thinks now that I don’t want him there. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he actively goes out of his way to ruin your day and walks around like there’s a rain cloud over his head because of the heinous act of having to talk to your family that hasn’t done anything to him, does nothing but complain and insults your families food by calling it ‘gross’ but doesn’t bother to bring any of his own.
NTJ at all OP, if he wants to act like he doesn’t want to be there then he shouldn’t be. And honestly, it seems like him being in no contact with his family is probably his fault based on his behavior, he seems like the type to look for something to complain about.” Alternative-Pea-4434
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He sounds exhausting. Same old complaints, year after year. No wonder you don’t want him there to ruin a (supposedly) nice gathering! It’s sad that he doesn’t care about your family. Does he like anything or anyone?
He can’t complain about not going after all he does is whinge about the event’s people and food.
To try and flip it around so that he’s the victim (of his own behavior) is infuriating, unfair, and exhausting.
If he wants to come, he can’t complain (unless something actually happens) and can bring his own food cooked ‘correctly’ so he can’t whinge.” Sel-Reddit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your husband doesn’t like the food, the people, or the conversation. He thrives on complaining and being miserable. If he didn’t go, he wouldn’t get the opportunity to complain about it. He is a jerk here.
Tell him to stay home and eat the foods he wants.
Tell him he can visit with who he wants later after the meal is over.
He is playing you and trying to make you feel guilty. You’re screwed if you do and screwed if you don’t. You’ve already been honest about his behavior and complaints and he is blaming you for his miserable behavior.
Don’t listen to this whining and shut it down. He can go with you and keep his mouth shut or he can stay home alone.” tatersprout
16. AITJ For Wanting To Ask My Future Sister-In-Law Why She Didn't Give Us A Gift?
“I (27 F) recently had my bridal shower after getting engaged to my fiancé (27 M). Back story: we’ve been together for a while, 10 yrs, and I’ve known his family for just as long.
His sister (25 F) and I are not close but have recently been pretty friendly with each other. We’ve hung out with her and her friends, had her over to ours, and overall have been spending more time together.
After the bridal shower, when I was looking through the cards and gifts, I realized she did not gift us anything, not even a card with her good wishes.
I can’t help but feel a bit snubbed. I would think that’s at least the minimum a standard guest should do, let alone a future sister-in-law. My fiancé is not the confrontational type and doesn’t see an issue and thinks it would turn me into a jerk if I brought it up.
We’ve known she’s been stressed with grad school recently and it may have just slipped her mind. I just can’t seem to stop thinking about it. So would I be the jerk for confronting her about the no-gift/card debacle (or at least asking if she has one she forgot to give to me)?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you make this an issue. There is likely a very good reason for this absent card or gift, and it is NOT worth risking your family relationships over aggressively confronting her over it.
Could it be that it was somehow overlooked during the shower?
It could have been misplaced, accidentally tossed or fallen somewhere, forgotten during a stressful period for her… who knows. There is simply no graceful or proper way to approach her about it without coming off as being very offensive. You could very well find it, at some point in the future, when is slipped into another bag or under the sofa.
The best gift of all is a peaceful and loving bond with your in-laws, so let this one drop.” Effective-Gur-242
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ – You’re not entitled to people’s money or time just because you are getting married. Gifts are nice to get but not an obligation, usually given to help the couple start their new life together.
Most couples aren’t starting off with hardly anything anymore and don’t really need much to start their lives. She’s also a student, they don’t usually have money to throw around. How about you stop making your wedding about material things and make them about family and enjoying getting to know the one you’re marrying into.” TypicalAd3575
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You can’t stop thinking about it? Your daily life is consumed over not getting a card at a bridal shower? I need you to let that sink in.
Do not confront her. Not only do you mention she is stressed out, but also, even if she wasn’t, who cares!
She may have forgotten, she may be broke, or she may not know bridal shower etiquette if this is her first one or if the others she went to didn’t have gift requirements.
Is it worth damaging your relationship with your SIL over a card, maybe a card plus $50?
And you better believe if you ‘confront’ her it will create tension with your other inlaws as well.
This is a good moment to practice being a gracious human, and just let it go. Who cares, with all that is going on in the world, but also all things going on in YOUR world, about one missed present?” mfruitfly
15. AITJ For Talking To My Niece About Her Menstruation?
“I (33F) have a niece (11f) Kira. Her mom Emily (30f), had Kira young and was a single mother up until 4yrs ago when she married. Emily has always seemed very annoyed by Kira and had told us several times when she was younger that she ‘wanted a boy.’ She eventually had my nephew, whom she dotes on and she has become increasingly disinterested in Kira.
As a result, Kira spends a lot of time with me, my sister, and her grandma. We have taught Kira things her mother has failed to teach her like hair care and basic personal hygiene. When mentioned to Emily something she probably should’ve already taught Kira it is dismissed as ‘not a big deal.’ Kira knows to ask her mother questions before she asks us to give Emily the first chance to address her concerns.
Almost every time Kira would come back days later to tell us her mom wouldn’t/didn’t answer, dismissed her, or told her the question was silly/dumb.
A year ago we noticed the impending signs of puberty happening for Kira. We talked with Emily several times over the next few months and she needed to start prepping for the puberty talk.
Almost every conversation would end with her referring to periods as ‘nasty’ or ‘disgusting.’ Last month I picked Kira up from school as her mom was busy at work. As soon as she settles in the car she asks me about periods. I was initially caught off guard by the sudden question but out of habit asked Kira what her mom had told her.
Her response: ‘she told me to stop asking her about such nasty things.’
I was mad – so when we got home I told Kira everything she needed to know about her period. As we were talking through menstrual products Kira tells me that she thinks she started her period.
After clarifying, I went to my bathroom, got her the items she needed, and instructed her on their use and disposal. We got back to talking about calendar tracking and it came out that she didn’t start that day like I thought, but the day prior.
She’d been using a pad given by the school nurse and toilet paper for the last 24hrs! She’d told her mother and was again dismissed!
Livid, I tried to call and text Emily over the next hour telling her what was going on. All I got was an eye-roll emoji.
So I called our mom who did get a hold of her and she told her off. Hours later Emily calls back mad calling me a jerk saying that I made her look bad and mad that I talked to Kira about something ‘so personal.’ She has not let Kira come to my house until I apologize for ‘taking the opportunity from her.’ Per my older sister, Kira says her mother is giving her the cold shoulder for making her look bad and has still not talked to her!
Emily is telling family members and mutual friends that I ruined a special moment for her that she’ll never get back. A few are split, whereas some who know how Emily is with Kira are on my side. My niece needed to know and her mother couldn’t bother with telling her herself, so was AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your sister is lucky you stepped in, in all of those situations, otherwise, if you had just let the personal hygiene and other things slide, the teachers or school nurse would have called CPS.
I would tell your sister the only thing you’re sorry for is that she’s embarrassed. You made sure Kira asked her mother first, and Emily brushed her off.
And Kira was mid-period. Emily already had the chance to talk to her about it (and should have months ago), and it was an emergency!
If she can’t get through her head that your niece being in the midst of her first period with nothing but toilet paper and a pad from the nurse makes this an emergency, then, well, she not going to be reasonable about this.
If she continues to keep you from seeing your niece (and I’m assuming your mom and your sister are in the same boat for supporting you in this) you are going to have to do something to help Kira.
If you don’t want to call cps yourself, I would recommend an anonymous tip to the teachers or school nurse that Kira is being neglected at home, they would look into it and hopefully talk to Kira.
But you can’t just leave that poor child alone in that toxic house where her mother doesn’t care for her.” justheretolurkreally
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you still have any of the texts from your sister with the eye roll and other unpleasant comments, please save them.
I think you might do well to give Child Protective Services a heads-up. Realistically, you will probably get absolutely nowhere, but at least your sister will be on their radar. Maybe it will put her on notice that she needs to stop acting like a jerk.
What she is doing to your niece is very abusive and neglectful, and frankly, your sister sounds pretty bent. I’m sorry she’s trying to prevent you from doing the job that she refuses to do!” PandoraClove
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you will be a jerk soon if you don’t get that poor girl some help.
You just admitted to her being neglected and potentially emotionally mistreated and so far your only solution is to tell her to keep trying to get her mom to help her. Step up and find her a home to live in and call CPS.
She was forced to use tp for 24 hours as a pad because her mom refused to care for her.
This goes beyond favoritism and this should’ve been addressed way before it got to the point of this poor girl having to diy menstrual products.” Pinky1010
14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Cover Up My Tattoos?
“I (34f) was asked by my best friend ‘Tina’ (36f) to be the maid of honor at her wedding.
I happily accepted and we’ve been planning ever since.
I have tattoos covering both of my arms, my chest, and partially my neck. I asked her before bridesmaid dress shopping if we needed to consider them being covered due to some members of the Groom’s family being fairly conservative people.
Tina said that it wasn’t an issue and we decided on a dress that covered my upper arms but had my chest and lower arm tattoos visible.
Cut to the morning of the wedding and as we are getting ready, a lady with a makeup kit walked in.
We hadn’t booked a makeup artist but it turns out that Tina’s MIL had – specifically one that catered to body makeup. She had booked a make-up artist to cover my tattoos.
A few weeks before the wedding, Tina showed her a photo of me in the bridesmaid dress and she booked the make-up artist later that evening.
Her reasoning was that I would ruin the photos and also upset the Groom’s Grandmother.
I declined the offer and Tina stood by my decision.
Tina was upset and was apologizing to the makeup artist for wasting her time whilst her mother-in-law tore me to shreds about being disrespectful to her wishes.
She left and we decided to move on and try and enjoy the rest of the morning before the wedding.
An hour later, the groom showed up in the hotel room. He screamed at me for not caring enough about his Mom and called me a jerk for letting his Mom waste $400 on the makeup artist.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You followed your friend’s lead. if she wanted to back down to her MIL’s demands, she would have told you so.
If the MIL wanted your tattoos covered, she should have talked to both the bride and you before hiring a makeup artist. This should not have been a last-minute thing at all.
The MIL dug her own grave and chose to die in it.
The husband put up a lot of red flags by making this disorganized fiasco into an issue.
A part of me hopes the wedding fell apart and didn’t happen because the bride is going to have issues with her MIL and her husband siding with the MIL for as long as this marriage lasts.
The bride did right by you, but deserves better from her marriage.” Jazzlike_Humor3340
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The bride is fine with your tattoos. The bride didn’t book the make-up artist.
The MIL booked the makeup artist without consulting the bride. This is a gross overstep, by the way, adding another makeup artist in on the day, especially without the bride or the wedding planner being aware (if there is one), could make everything run late and disrupt plans.
The MIL is the jerk here. There was nothing stopping her from advising the Bride that you might need your tattoos covered and letting the Bride arrange that.
(Also I generally don’t agree with covering tattoos, dying/cutting hair, etc. That’s all part of the person and if you’re asking someone to be in the bridal party it’s because you should be close enough to love all of them)
Edit to add: I don’t know if the husband is a jerk, we don’t know what he was told by his mother, or what he understood the plans to be. He could be a jerk or his mother could have run to him with a sob story on a super stressful day.” whatisthismuppetry
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You asked in advance and were told your tattoos would not be a problem. The bride was not consulted about hiring a make-up artist to cover your tattoos, and when a make-up artist showed up, she agreed with your decision to decline the service that nobody attached to the wedding had agreed to.
The future MIL seriously overstepped her bounds by interfering with the bride’s plans. The groom was out of line to yell at you for doing exactly what you were told you could do.
The groom and MIL are both jerks.” SirMittensOfTheHill
13. AITJ For Leaving Lunch Early?
“I (f16) and my best friend, also (f16), have been friends for forever. When I was alone, she was always with me to support me and help me through everything.
We are really alike, really loud and sometimes a bit obnoxious, and even when I feel I’m at my worst she can lift me up. (We also have self-control don’t think we are always screaming, people mostly find us funny)
Yesterday it was my dad’s 40 birthday, it was a surprise party and I got to invite my best friend.
I had a lovely time.
Today, my family came over to have lunch, and my aunt brought her 2-week partner over. It was all good till she started trash-talking about my best friend: that she’s too loud, annoying, that she dislikes her. And everyone started laughing.
I didn’t laugh or anything, but I did remind her how badly she had treated me in the past, always acting like I was an evil kid and treating me like I was some sort of monster. I got up and left. I was very angry and started crying.
I tried to be nice to her new man the whole time I was there, why did she have to embarrass and talk bad about my friend?
I went to my room crying and didn’t leave for the whole lunch. My mom and aunt went into my room and told me off for embarrassing her in front of her new partner, and how I had possibly just ruined their relationship cause who wants to go out with someone with a brat for a niece?
I didn’t say anything because my mom always tells me off when I tell her my aunt treats me bad. And I think I went too far. Was it too much? Was I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You were doing what any good friend would do: call people out who talk badly behind their backs.
Your friend would probably do the same if you’d switch roles.
Your aunt is a jerk for talking badly about someone behind their back. Also that your mother is taking your aunt’s side also makes her a jerk in my opinion. They, especially your aunt, try to guilt-trip you hard there.
Stay a great friend and don’t apologize. You acted right. Don’t let them tell you otherwise.” Star_Inferno
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
So let me get this straight: your adult aunt was backbiting a young person as a means of entertainment at your expense while folks could have been getting to know her new partner.
Was that supposed to show her good character, to eviscerate a child and a friend of her niece?
You were understandably hurt and arose to defend your friend with the courage to speak up when everyone else was laughing, seeming to agree with your aunt.
That is not being a jerk. That is being brave.
You are emotionally considerate and someone who will hopefully have many years to refine your empathy so that you can deliver information more effectively. That makes you, sensitive, growing, and a good friend, not a jerk.
The only advice I have for you is to work on delivery, but you’re only 16 and I don’t mean that as an insult. I mean that to say you’re still young and with your feelings hurt and emotionally attacked it’s fair that you may not have chosen the best argument to counter your aunt’s rudeness.
But I know you will develop those skills because you have a good caring heart.
Our society is the one that’s the problem that makes people think tearing someone apart is entertainment and using that as an attack. If the aunt’s partner finds this attractive he shows the kind of person he is and if the scenario is off-putting to him, and he was to leave, it would be because he probably doesn’t want to be with a woman who would turn around the next day and stab him in the back in a conversation just to get the laughs of friends, family or strangers.
Most of all if he sees a better side of her he’ll be forgiving and if he’s really a true human he might help her gain the confidence to understand that such behavior is unbecoming of a true adult.
As for your mother and other family members trying to correct you, you will always get the blame because she is seeing through the lens of embarrassment.
‘my daughter had an outburst that was rude and embarrassed me.’ That’s not a fair appraisal. And often the way we respond when we are young is not the most effective but you should not be blamed for defending someone. Negative talk is rude and it hurts not just you for hearing it but your friend, by putting in their head her perception of your friend that others may not have had.
They may carry those judgments into the future and be precious against her for something they didn’t even see or even agree with originally. Backbiting, gossip, and general meanness. They’re the worst.
Keep it up! be brave. stand up for your friends. It’s great practice for standing up for justice in general. And maybe since it was your dad’s birthday you can speak with him or with someone else in the family who may have been laughing just to go along to get a better perspective and support from someone who actually knows you.
That would help them understand that laughing to go along with a grown adult is not as important as being the adult who says ‘hey this is her friend and we shouldn’t talk badly about them.’ Your example of courage is a good example for the rest of your family honestly.
In the meantime, I am proud of you, courageous person!” imanjani
12. AITJ For Not Taking My Kids Trick Or Treating?
“My kids (f7 and f2–almost 3) were super excited for Halloween this year. It’s my favorite holiday so I’m always excited, too. I went all out for costumes and stuff like always.
My oldest is Sally, and my youngest chose Ariel, I planned to wear my Lumine cosplay that I spent almost a year making.
Except my town moved the trick-or-treat night from Saturday to Monday. This sucks for us because we live on the top of a pretty steep hill and their dad will have the car for work since he works the night shift. Trick or treat starts at 7 and he leaves for work at 7.
Now, I walk up this hill when I absolutely have to, but I really try to avoid it. It’s 8 blocks to the top and it’s steep the entire way. Pushing a stroller up is awful, convincing a toddler to walk up is even more awful.
I have asthma and I often struggle up the hill with it.
So I canceled trick-or-treat plans because I can’t do that hill with two kids after walking around trick-or-treating. Instead, I bought them baskets for a Halloween camp in and movie night. They have Halloween-themed pajamas, some spooky cups for hot chocolate, books, a coloring book, a make-your-own monster kit, and spooky face masks.
I also stayed up late to hand-make some skull-shaped hot chocolate bombs with edible glitter and I made little ghost-shaped marshmallows for them. I also have candy and popcorn.
But their grandparents are harsh about it. They said I’m ruining the holiday and that I should be ashamed that I’m ‘depriving them’ of trick or treat just because I’m ‘lazy.’ They also claim my kids would hate the baskets and be pressured to lie about their feelings because of it.
I guess it could be selfish to cancel just because of the walk home and maybe I should just tough it out. I don’t want to ruin my kids’ holiday.
So AITJ for not taking them just because the walk home would suck?
How my kids reacted; My kids loved the baskets and especially loved the hot chocolate bombs!
When it was time to set up the fort for movies they did an awesome job decorating it. My oldest even used some of the Halloween decorations to make it extra spooky and we had a popcorn fight and used some of the edible glitters to make magic potion snacks with some of their candy while we watched movies.
They had a really great time. They’re currently asleep, snuggled up in the living room with each other while I’m about to clean up the messes we made before I sleep, too. I think I’m going to label these baskets a huge success!
EDIT: I asked both my friends and grandparents for rides or help. They couldn’t do it. I have comments explaining why. I did try to find alternatives.
My local taxi cab service says online that they close at 7, but it doesn’t say if the business location closes at 7 or if that means they stop doing rides at 7.
Either way, I have no money right now. My bank account is at a whopping $2.41 right now.
My kids did go to the Halloween parade in town this year and they did go to the school Halloween parade (which my oldest daughter was in). We didn’t go to trunk or treat because my kids were sick when it happened, but my oldest didn’t want to go anyway for some reason and my toddler didn’t know about it to care.
We’ve never missed a trick or treat before and we do participate in as many Halloween activities as we can when they come around.
My town is surrounded by mountains. I feel like a lot of people on here may not be familiar with rural, mountainous towns.
View the landscape as a bowl and the town is in the middle of it. They built up into the mountains and if you’re unlucky enough to live on the edges of the town where they built up the mountain it’s not very fun.
The only perk is that my house is too high in elevation to be flooded during rainy seasons.
Because of this, the people here have made a normal event of going to the bottom of the hill to hand out candy. You won’t find houses up here with lights on and hoping kids walk up the hill for it.
They go to the bottom of the hill and hand it out there.
ETA 2: My kid’s dad is my ex-husband. We just live together and co-parent. I’m sorry if my post made it seem like we’re a couple or anything.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but hop online and find out who is having a trunk or treat Halloween night. Your husband goes to work at 7 pm? You have all day to find one. Somewhere, some church is doing a trunk-or-treat to save the kids’ souls from the devil’s temptation that day and you can take them there.
But start looking. The other option is hiring a sitter to take them, or calling their friends and asking the parent if they’d take your kids, too. Offer to sit them over Saturday for free or something if you need to trade. But you’re NTJ for not taking them.
They’re young, they did plenty of holiday stuff already, and you have a fun plan for them. If it really bugs you, look into a few other options and see what else comes up with. If nothing? Turn off your porch light and have fun with the little goblins.” maroongrad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sounds like you’re already putting in a lot of effort to make the night fun for the kids regardless of going trick or treating so I don’t see a problem here. Maybe get some candy from the dollar store to have them handed out?
And maybe so you can put a piece in their lunch for the next week so they don’t feel left out at school. Also: if the grandparents have so much to say about it, tell them they’re welcome to come and take the kids trick or treating themselves if it’s so important as you have no problem with them going and I guarantee you that’ll be the end of it.” Aura_Love1015
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Especially after reading the efforts you took to find alternatives. If it’s not logistically possible, then it’s not possible. The kids had a parade already and you’ve planned a fun Halloween night. It’s not like Halloween is going anywhere. There is always next year.
Anyone who wants to berate you for it can either drive over and take them trick or treating or shut up. You sound like a wonderful mother and you will have a fun Halloween party at home, with or without the trick or treating.” gas_unlit
11. WIBTJ If I Don't Allow A Service Dog At My Wedding?
“I’m 19 and nonbinary, my partner is 20 and nonbinary. My aunt is 40ishF. Same with my mother.
My aunt has a PTSD service dog. I have no idea how it passed the service dog test because every time I am out with her it causes chaos.
Destroying store displays, getting into altercations with other dogs, barking, etc.
My mother is SEVERELY allergic to the dog – every time she’s around the dog, her throat starts closing up. She also gets severe allergy symptoms (itchy eyes, runny nose, hives, etc). She CANNOT be around this dog.
My aunt refuses to acknowledge this and continuously stands in close proximity to my mother with her service dog.
So, I’m starting to figure out the guest list for my wedding. I’d love for my aunt to be there (potentially even at my wedding party!), but I have never seen her attend an event with her dog without there being absolute chaos.
The dog is loud, messy, and constantly getting into things. My aunt does NOT keep the dog under control, especially at family events (which is what she’d consider my wedding). She also refuses to keep the dog away from my mother, despite being told that if my mom has too much contact with the dog she could literally go into anaphylaxis and PASS AWAY.
As well, it’s small, but my partner is also allergic to the dog – not to the extent that my mother is, but still enough that even with allergy meds they still feel icky.
My partner and I are in agreement that the service dog cannot come to our wedding.
We’re willing to make as many accommodations as possible to make my aunt comfortable at the wedding (setting aside a quiet space for her, reserving a seat for her, etc) but she has shown time and time again that she cannot control her dog and be considerate of my mother’s health issues.
And when it comes down to it, if I have to choose between having my mother at my wedding and having my aunt at my wedding, I’m going to choose my mother.
WIBTJ if I don’t let her bring her service dog?
Edit: I’m not in the US.
Where I am (BC, Canada) we have a way to get government-certified service animals – they have to either be trained by a professional trainer or undergo a public safety test. My aunt’s dog did the latter, so it is a government-certified service animal, not an ESA.
She just chooses not to enforce the training.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your aunt does not have a trained service dog she has an emotional support animal that is not properly trained or trained in any way it sounds like that poor dog it’s your aunt’s fault for not caring or training the dog.
Also, your mom is deadly allergic to dogs and your partner is also allergic, your mother has shown severe allergic reactions around your aunt but she doesn’t care? She purposely keeps the dog close to her? Is she trying to harm your mom? I’m sorry but your mom’s health and your partner’s health come first and I doubt your other guests want to babysit an uncontrolled dog as well, tell her no dogs or don’t come simple as that.” DisneyLove1995
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When 2 of the important people in a wedding party are allergic to a dog, then nothing further has to matter. It might make a difference if your aunt had a dog that was so quiet and calm (like they’re supposed to be because the point of them is to help the owners and not cause problems) that they are practically invisible and she physically distanced herself so she wouldn’t create a problem.
If your aunt insists on seeing the wedding then tell her to get someone to FaceTime or zoom the wedding if it’s not going to be videoed. Otherwise, just say no and ignore the demands from her. The more attention and time you give her the more she thinks you’ll eventually cave.” Kooky-Hotel-5632
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A service dog does not engage in that behavior. And if it does, it either needs more training or is washed out. She has a poorly behaved animal and is doing damage to real service dog owners. You owe her nothing in regard to letting her bring the dog.
Even if it was a real service dog, the fact that the parent of one of the people getting married is potentially deathly allergic overrules having the service dog there. If you were a business, you’d need to offer reasonable accommodations, and risking lives is not reasonable, but you were not a business anyway.
Just disinvite the whole aunt.” Crisis_Redditor
10. AITJ For Approving My Nephew's Outfit For My Wedding?
“My fiance (M27) and I (F27) are getting married in early April. We are planning a big wedding with the help of both of our parents’ financing.
We invited all of our friends and family, including our siblings and their kids. My fiance and I are very excited about our wedding.
When it comes to the dress code, my fiance and I are very laid back. We just want people to dress up in either a suit, dress, or something else ‘fancy’.
We couldn’t care less about the color or design and actually encourage our guests to dress creatively, colorfully, or over the top. My fiance and I are both creative people, I’m an art teacher and he works in advertising. We want people to express themselves and while we are okay with traditional color wedding outfits, we only want them being worn if it is truly something our guests like.
I have many siblings, and many nieces and nephews. My oldest sister and her husband (F40 and M40) have 6 kids (F15, M14, M13, F11, M7, and F3). I still live close to all of my siblings, so my fiance and I have a close relationship with them and know they are excited about our wedding.
My 13-year-old nephew is a good kid, has great grades, and is the athlete of the family. As with most middle school boys, dressing up in a suit isn’t exactly his favorite thing to do, and about a month ago, my sister called me telling me he was giving them issues when suit shopping, I sat down with him and had a talk to see if everything was ok, he said he didn’t like anything he saw, and I told him to ask his friends for advice.
About a week after, I got a text from my nephew asking what he thought of his outfit idea, he wanted to go with a sports theme, he wanted to wear a normal dress shirt and pants, but for his blazer have his favorite NFL team on it, a lacrosse tie and baseball cufflinks.
He found all of this online and sent links. He told us his mom said no and then asked my opinion on it, I showed it to my fiance and we both agreed it was acceptable and we would love to see him in it if that’s what made him happy.
A few hours later, I got a call from my sister asking why I would approve it after she said no and complained about how the outfit could ‘reflect on her’ and how my nephew needed to learn ‘proper wedding attire’. I asked her and my nephew out to lunch the next day so we could settle it out.
We went out to lunch and my nephew and sister were explaining how his friends recommended it and how he wanted to express his love for sports, after explaining to him that this isn’t normal wedding attire, but fiance and I wanted people to be creative, my sister agreed to buy it, and just got all the stuff in the mail and he loves it.
My sister is still upset at me for trying to ‘overrule’ her parenting, and when talking to one of our other siblings (M38) he agreed with her that I overstepped my boundaries. My Fiance and I are just happy nephew found a nice outfit he likes.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ
I get that your intentions are good, and even the underlying idea of kids being able to express themselves through clothing. But you’re missing the fact that this isn’t just about you or your wedding.
I assume that the 13-year-old isn’t paying for his wedding attire, and neither are you.
And most sports-themed gear, ESPECIALLY official NFL/NBA/MLB/etc. athletic gear is SUPER EXPENSIVE. Did you even look at the price of this NFL-team-branded blazer that he wants his parents to pay for? Is it reasonably priced for a 13-year-old relative to say, a standard sports jacket for a kid that age?
Where else do you think he’s going to be able to wear an NFL-team-themed blazer? Sure, you’re fine with him wearing it to your wedding. That’s one occasion. But he’s 13, and probably doesn’t go to a lot of fancy things. And it’s NOT necessarily appropriate if he gets invited to another occasion.
So what happens then? His parents have put out potentially a lot of money for a blazer that he’s only going to wear one time. And then they have to buy him ANOTHER suit or sports jacket if he gets invited somewhere else where the dress code isn’t as relaxed or ‘artsy’?
Again, are you going to pick up any of the costs here? Is he?
Encouraging creativity is wonderful, but it’s also really important to teach teenagers, whose default tends to be egocentrism – not out of selfishness but because that’s how they’re wired, to be impulsive and see the world from only their own perspective – that they are not the center of the universe, that they are part of a social community, that their feelings matter but also that as part of a social society we work as a team and sometimes we consider rules and etiquette that go beyond our personal preferences and ‘reflecting our creativity in our clothing’.
It’s a balance. So maybe the solution is going to be cool cufflinks and a lacrosse tie (i.e. accessories that reflect his personal aesthetic preferences) with a more standard/appropriate blazer or sports jacket that is more versatile.
YTJ for prioritizing being the ‘cool aunt’ right off the bat, without considering that your sister’s concerns might not just be her being ‘uncool’ or ‘uptight’ but actually trying to be practical and a good parent.
And think beyond the one occasion of your wedding. Parenting is having to think 10 steps ahead, and you just made her life way more difficult because you don’t have to do any of the heavy liftings she does and can just think about the fun parts.
You owe her an apology.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ
You got played and you undermined your sister.
I get that you’re fine with the outfit but he asked his parent, and they said no, so he triangulated and went to you.
Kids often do this with their parents to try to get their way. Mom says no so they go to Dad or vice versa. Parents have to be aligned and support each other. Else it sets up a pretty manipulative dynamic.
I’d apologize to your sister.
You did undermine her trying to get kids to wear situationally appropriate attire. And while you may think it’s fine, she’s also right that some people are going to think she’s got poor judgment for letting her kid go to a formal event in that attire.
Now, I wouldn’t care if someone thought that of me if all was cleared/approved. But she’s not wrong.” UsuallyWrite2
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and here’s why. It’s great to be expressive and creative, but not on someone else’s dime.
This could have been a great teaching lesson for your nephew about appropriate attire for different events. If he wanted to wear a sports-related tie and cuff links that would be acceptable, but how many events will this sports-themed coat be appropriate for? He’s certainly not going to wear it to a funeral or christening/baptism.
At 13 I believe that clothes being bought should be bought for versatility and amount of usage, you’ve essentially helped him bully his mom into purchasing what is essentially a walking advertisement that won’t be worn to other events.” seanthebean24
9. AITJ For Telling My Husband Not To Slam Doors Shut When He's Angry?
“My (30F) husband (30M) woke up this morning at 7.30 am and went to the living room because he had to work.
A few minutes later I hear him screaming profanities. I get up to check what was wrong (sometimes our cat breaks a glass overnight if we leave it out, so I wanted to clean any mess). He just says that he had forgotten his charger at the office and he has to drive there.
We live 10 mins from where he works, so he was annoyed he was going to miss 30 mins (10 mins there, 10 coming back and 10 getting the charger).
He went to the bedroom and slams the door shut as hard as he can. I stayed in the living room and then heard him leave (as he also slammed that door).
When he came back he was in a perfect mood (he usually gets over things fast) and asks me why I’m in a bad mood. I said, ‘I would appreciate it if you stop slamming doors when you get annoyed’.
He said that I don’t understand what’s like to work 7 days a week (which I do; I’ve worked in audits and there are plenty of 7 days a week in that industry).
I said that I understand that he has been busy for the past few weeks (October is the only month that he works this much – then is normally 9-5 Mond-Frid), but that he has to control his anger and stop slamming doors.
He says that he ‘rather slam things than be in a bad mood for the rest of the day’.
Now he is mad at me… Should I apologize? I don’t think I said anything wrong, but maybe?
EDIT: just to add that I am not afraid of him. I just want to make it clear. He is sweet, loving, and generous and treats me like a princess.
He would never hurt me, or anyone else. He tends to slam the door when is upset with himself but is never aggressive otherwise.
Quick update in case it matters: we had a long, exhausting but productive conversation where we talked about this slamming issue among other things (I’m also not perfect).
We decided that it would help him to go to therapy to learn how to manage his feelings when he is upset. Also considering going to couples counseling to help with our communication. We are still looking for someone in our area, but hopefully, he/we can start soon.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s not to slam doors because he’s not a spoiled child in a tantrum. You are entitled to have him handle life’s minor disappointments like an adult. He is NOT entitled to inflict his personal drama on the world.
He’s without manners, without respect for others.
He dismissed & disrespected you. You are partners. He doesn’t get to just ignore what you ask. If he does not make an effort to control his volatile nature at home, it will come out at work.
And he will lose his job and your security. This is a real issue of respect for others. It’s unacceptable.
Adults should never feel entitled to explode in a way that impacts others. Emotionally reactive people are the absolute worst to be around, in my honest opinion.
They shred everybody’s nerves. And they don’t care about the feelings of those who have to endure their bad behavior.” SlinkySlekker
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It sounds like the husband feels slamming doors is a good way to get his frustration out of his system so he can move on with his day instead of simmering about it.
That’s fine on its own, everyone should have a way to get those feelings out. He probably doesn’t think it’s a big deal because once he does it, he’s done.
BUT it sounds like when his method for this is slamming doors, it’s negatively impacting your mood and feeling of peace in your own house.
Sure he feels better but now YOURE stuck being upset. Of course, if you don’t enjoy hearing someone angrily slam around your home/safe space, who would? So he’s not ELIMINATING this frustration and negative energy, he’s just TRANSFERING those feelings to YOU. That’s not fair to you!
You are not a dumping ground for his irritation.
He needs to find a constructive way to process and expel these negative feelings that don’t impact you this way so you both can enjoy a peaceful existence. There are lots of methods/outlets and even toys for releasing frustration, he just needs to find one that isn’t slamming doors.” DoctorDoompants
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Slamming doors and breaking things is another form of awful behavior. He wants his opinion to be heard. He clearly doesn’t have a healthy way to deal with his anger. You called it out because his doing that puts you into a ‘fight or flight’ mode.
It’s important for him to recognize that and understand what he’s doing to avoid being upset the rest of the day is hurting you. He’s transferring his anger to you. Of course, he’s in a better mood after that. And it’s entirely unfair to you.
Since he’s now mad again, is he continuing to slam doors? Or is he dealing with his anger in a different way? If it’s different, then he is showing that he DOES have other tools to deal with anger. Have a conversation with him and talk about how his actions make you feel.
He just might not be aware.” scarletsyn
8. AITJ For Not Standing Up To My Mom?
“I have a 13-year-old daughter Everly who is a pretty picky eater. I don’t really care because she is a healthy weight, her doctor isn’t worried, and her diet isn’t even that bad, but there are a lot of things she won’t eat (honestly most flavors, spices, sauces).
We are currently visiting my mom out of state. My mom is not the type to insist on a kid eating anything, but she also isn’t the most accommodating person. She cooks one meal and Everly is free to find something else or we can go out and buy something.
So far my mom has cooked for everyone and Everly has eaten something either she made herself, or that my wife makes. My wife recently confronted me that she is hurt by my mom not accommodating Everly. She pointed out that her mother always makes at least a few options she will eat so she won’t feel so ostracized. She said my mom is the host and should be more willing to meet us in the middle.
She is also worried my mom’s husband would give her issues because he said eww when she ate a cheese sandwich (not grilled cheese).
I said I would talk to him about not commenting, but my mom is not obligated to make separate food. it is nice if MIL wants to, but my mom is absolutely not obligated. My wife blew up and said my mom is a bad grandmother, and that she should be bending over backward as she hardly knows the kids.
I talked to Everly and she said she doesn’t like my mom as she is ‘weird and annoying’ but she doesn’t care that she won’t cook for her, but also probably doesn’t want to visit again, though she swore it had nothing to do with food.
I said I would respect that, but told my wife I would not be confronting my mom as it would come off as entitled. My wife is furious and says she might confront her if I won’t and that I’m being a bad father. My mom is currently cooking, buffalo chicken meatloaf, roasted potato with seasoning, and broccoli, and my wife is giving me some dark looks.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your child isn’t fussed about the food choices and it sounds like she is finding other things that she is comfortable eating (which means your Mom has other food there for her to eat, which is what matters).
Your wife needs to back off.
And definitely should NOT confront your Mother. That would not only be entitled, but it would be really rude and disrespectful.
It would be different if your child was 3 and there wasn’t another choice but she is 13, plenty old enough to find something else she likes.
And sure it’s wonderful that your wife’s Mom is willing to adjust everything to accommodate your daughter but your Mom isn’t a jerk for not doing so. Your daughter is ONE of – how many of you sitting down to eat?
Edited to add: your Mom is NOT a ‘bad grandma’.
A ‘bad grandma’ would either tell your child that this is the ONLY option she has to eat and would not have other things that your child could make for herself to eat or would send her to her room with nothing to eat.” MissSuzieSunshine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re being very mature and your wife is picking fights and finding fault on purpose. The second she whipped out her expectation that your mom should be ‘bending over backward’ to make up for the lack of relationship which your wife caused alarm bells went off.
I’m thinking the majority of Everly’s opinion on grandma has spawned from her awareness that Mom hates Grandma and will give Everly no end of grief if she finds anything positive with her.
You married a very entitled and unpleasant person who wanted to marry an orphan.
I fear the day when you’re empty nester retirees and the full spotlight of her demands aims directly at you.” millac7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is providing the option of choosing something else like a cheese sandwich. She is not complaining about your daughter’s eating, blaming your parenting, or disliking your daughter for being picky, all things some grandparents would do.
People have different ideas about what being a host means.
For your mom, offers one meal and isn’t offended if people don’t eat it and eat something else. Your MIL makes specific separate foods for people with different palates. It sounds like your wife expects your mom to be a different kind of host, has never mentioned it, and takes it personally.
It also sounds like your kids don’t know your mom well. Your wife is the jerk. See if you can all get to know your mom and stepdad better, and maybe offer to cook some yourself.” explodingwhale17
7. AITJ For Telling My Dad He Failed As A Father?
“My (24f) dad divorced mom when I was around 10. Growing up, he was rarely physically present for us. He did pay child support and helped us with education expenses but it always looked like he was being the ‘dad’ in our lives by using his money only and not actually being there for us.
I sent him my wedding invitation and he said he will surely come (He only lives one hour’s drive away from us.) My mom made me ask him if he is willing to walk me down the aisle and secretly I wanted that too but he politely refused which was of course very hurtful but I let it go and one of my brothers volunteered for this.
On the eve of the wedding, he called my mom to say that he can’t come because his wife has a fever. That was honestly my breaking point. It would be an acceptable excuse if she was actually really sick but just down with FEVER and he is ready to skip his only daughter’s wedding.
He asked my mom if he could talk to me since I wasn’t picking up his calls and mom refused because she was just as hurt.
He sent money as a gift on my wedding day and I sent it back because accepting it would be a slap on my face I think.
I texted him that I am not that little girl anymore who he could make it up for using money and blocked him. I do not know if I overreacted but I am beyond frustrated and hurt by his behavior.
A few days later, he showed up at my house with a gift in kind this time and it was expensive.
He apologized for not showing up earlier. I was angrier at him again for bringing a gift than not coming to the wedding that I blew up. I told him he failed as a father and he needed to stop trying to make up every time using his money.
He got mad at me and told my husband (29) to fix my attitude. My husband replied that it was not an attitude but resentment towards him for never being there for me.
Now my dad is super mad at all of us and told my mom that he was trying to ‘fix’ his relationship with me and wanted to be on good terms with my husband and I let this situation escalate to the point where my husband sees him as a bad father.
Now he has not only a damaged relationship with his only daughter but he is also disliked by his son-in-law. It seems to me that he is more concerned about what my husband thinks of him than me being upset because of him.
My mom who was not present there believes I misbehaved with my dad and made my husband disrespect him.
I do not know what to feel anymore. My mom thinks I am the one at fault this time and I should’ve just accepted his apology and gift and my dad is acting all hurt and upset. My husband thinks he does not deserve to stay in my life.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad sounds like my dad. Also 24f, my parents divorced when I was 10. He wasn’t present at all and used the money to win us over. Went to see a psychiatrist a year ago and she unofficially diagnosed him as a narcissist. Cut him off a year ago.
Your dad’s behavior is unacceptable and trying to get the rest of your family to side with him is childish (but also a classic narc tactic).
You set a boundary and he’s trying to cross it by offering expensive gifts. If you’re happy not having him in your life then I see no reason to respond or even try a relationship with him.
Don’t disrespect yourself and let him disrespect your boundaries. You’re better off without him, trust me.” xanaduxanadu
Another User Comments:
“As a general rule, I think OP is NTJ because her father has let her down repeatedly – however! A fever not only is a very real and very clear sign of actual illness, but it is also a sign of active infection.
Assuming OP’s father had been around his wife while she was feverish, that means he was around her when she was contagious (likely before she developed symptoms and after). If he had come to the wedding, he could very well have passed that infection to OP and/or her husband (not to mention other people in attendance, some of whom might have underlying conditions that put them at risk for more serious complications), and could have sent them off to their honeymoon ill and feverish themselves, and I doubt OP would have appreciated that.
I don’t think it’s reasonable to ignore this.” GothicGingerbread
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all! Your take is absolutely justified, he has behaved poorly. Also, why should you have to accept his behavior and to all intents, put up with disrespectful passive-aggressive stuff, whilst he can say sorry, sling some funds or a gift at you and it’s magically better?
Nope! I think you were very accommodating to still have invited him to your wedding after he refused to walk you down the aisle, something you asked him for. And then get your husband to fix your attitude? Good for him telling that wasn’t going to be happening and instead calling it like it is.
Not sure what your Mum’s issue is but I think you are absolutely NTJ and hope that you can see that you don’t deserve this treatment. It’s good to assert your line and explain why it hurt. What’s the point of pretending otherwise? If he wants a relationship with you and your husband then he needs to do some serious reflecting and start again.
All the best for your marriage though and please don’t let this detract from it anyway.” janeygigi
6. AITJ For Tricking My Snooping Stepmom?
“I (16f) and my stepmom (48f) do not get along and probably never will. My mum and dad broke up when I was two and my dad met my step-mum when I was nine. My step mum who we’ll call M never really tried to get along with me and no my nine-year-old brain just told me that I shouldn’t try and get along with her.
She would ignore me and make passive-aggressive comments about me and my sister coming over for weekends which eventually caused my sister to stop going, and some mocking of my sister’s anorexia.
Back to the point, in 2020, my dad convinced me to stay for a week which I and my step-mum seemed to be bonding, so much so that I didn’t think twice about typing in my password when she was next to me.
After that, I would leave my phone to go to the toilet or grab a snack and open my phone to find my messages, Google history, or social media open because she never thought to close the apps.
This started to annoy me because I gave my trust in her and thought we were getting along.
It all escalated to her looking at very private talks which included me talking about my gender (I hadn’t come out yet) and talks about my mental struggles. It all tipped me over the edge so I decided to figure out a plan to get her to admit to what she’d been doing because if I told my dad without proof he wouldn’t believe me.
I would leave my phone open to Google with very scandalous searches such as, how to tell your stepmother that your dad is having an affair, how to shoplift contraceptives, how to cover up tattoos with concealer, etc. but the one that caught my stepmother’s attention was ‘pregnancy termination clinics near me’.
She sat me down the next day and screamed at me that she knew I was pregnant and called me a flirt.
This caused me to yell back and when my dad got involved I admitted to everything. My step mum cried and screamed that I tricked her and that I was an ungrateful sinner.
My dad just look disappointed and told me to call my mum to pick me up. I thought I was in the right but my dad’s reaction has me thinking otherwise. Am I the jerk?
Edit: Why didn’t I just change my password? The reason I didn’t was that I was sick of her snooping, I didn’t mention it in my post but it wasn’t her first time snooping through my stuff for example she would go through any bags I brought with me, and would look at my phone when it would light up with a message.
Each time I told my dad and he would dismiss it as my imagination. I knew that if I told my dad he would just dismiss it so I knew I needed proof to finally show my dad what was happening.
Why did I try to convince my step mum that my dad was having an affair?
She lied to my dad many times and still has the audacity to accuse him of having an affair so I thought I would give her a taste of her medicine. It was probably morally wrong and I’ve accepted that.
Why did I let her snoop for so long?
I didn’t want the confrontation at first because I knew that it would be dismissed by my dad so when I first started noticing what was happening I made precautions to take my phone with me everywhere which didn’t stop it slowed it down and it became more frequent.
I then decided to distance myself and make it so I only see my dad once a month but that still didn’t stop it. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when texts about my identity were found and my stepmother tried to make more of an effort to set me up with her friend’s sons and would make jabs at the LGBTQIA in front of me.
I didn’t care that she found out but I couldn’t handle the constant homophobia.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your dad’s reaction might be because he was disappointed that either you did not come to him before, and basically escalated this without giving him a chance.
Or perhaps that he thought he could trust that woman – but he`s shocked/sad that she is one of those religious fanatics that have no issue calling minors slurs, and curse words (no hate like Christian love, eh?)
Seriously though – she is evil.
She judges you without any reason, calls you some seriously harsh words, and violated your privacy repeatedly.
Do not visit there again until your dad either apologizes to you, and acknowledges the harm she has done – and only if he guarantees ‘she’ will not be there when you are – as you do not feel safe around her (which, sadly, is not even a lie – if you are queer, or believe you are – those religious fanatics could be dangerous to your physical and mental health).” SamuelVimesTrained
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People need to understand boundaries and not push or pry into things that don’t involve them or information that is not openly shared with them. What did the stepmom think the best scenario would be? What was she trying to find by snooping?
No matter what, she knew she was going to lose your trust if/when you found out she was going through your phone without permission. Then she made the situation even worse by being nasty towards you with the information she thought she found.
If you really were pregnant did she think that was the proper way to go about the situation?
In reality, that would have just pushed you away and made you never want to share things about yourself or ask for advice. Your dad should have told his wife that it was not her responsibility to be looking through your phone/ reprimanding you when he is the parent, not her.
You should have a serious talk with your dad and tell him that if he is going to let his wife belittle you then you are going to be forced to cut ties for your own peace and happiness.” Lucky-Worth-02
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The only jerks in this story are your dad and step-mom.
She sounds like the type to be jealous of your dad giving his kids affection/attention when she wants it all. Please do yourself a favor and follow your sister’s lead; stop going to see your dad. He’s proven to you who he prioritizes and it’s not his children.
This will be the same man wondering why he isn’t asked to walk his daughters down the aisle or be a grandpa to their kids.
If you can see if you can speak to a counselor or therapist about your father/daughter relationship now. It will hopefully give you the tools for you to have future healthy, fulfilling relationships.
Go live your best life without the high school drama your step-mom so desperately craves.” CurlyNaturally
5. AITJ For Yelling At My Mom Over Groceries And Meals?
“I am 17f and live with my mom (42) and dad (45). In the house is also my little sister, 12. In general, we have a very good life and we don’t fight about a lot.
Growing up my mom did most of the childcare and home chores (she has a part-time job too) and my dad has a full-time job (runs his own construction business).
However lately I have been getting upset about my dad’s lack of involvement in our lives.
Don’t get me wrong, he lives with us and pays our bills, and isn’t absent or anything. But we only ever see him for about half an hour at suppertime and then he goes into his bedroom to continue working or to read or generally be by himself.
I know he has a physically difficult job and so he often just wants to relax when home, but still.
He never helps with our school work (especially my little sister’s), he rarely comes to our school events (plays, Latin quiz, little sister’s hockey), and he never drives us to school (he actually was angry at me and my mom last week when she was unable to pick me up and he had to drive me home one time: compared to the hundreds of times mom has dropped everything to come to pick us up).
At dinner when we do see him he constantly complains about his work and we never get to speak. I know it is their agreement that mom cares for us youths and dad works, but I wish he was at least a little more involved.
Anyway, a lot of our house revolves around our dad. We try to be quiet when he is home so we don’t interrupt him. We don’t do laundry when he is home in case he wants to do a load of his own.
The majority of the groceries my mom buys are suited to his taste and almost all the meals are made to his taste. Usually, this is no big deal, but lately, all these things have been bothering me and it came to a head tonight.
My mom cooked pork with apples and rosemary, as well as turnips with butter. I hate this entire meal, but my dad likes it. My little sister is lactose intolerant, but my mom puts butter in the turnips because dad prefers butter over margarine. When dad saw that I wasn’t eating much he huffed and called me picky.
I blew up at my parents then, saying I wouldn’t be picky if mom sometimes bought groceries that I or my sister liked. For example, I like macs but not pink ladies: but mom always buys pink ladies because that is what dad likes.
My sister hates radishes but mom always puts them in our salads because that is what dad likes. And I went on about the different things mom always cooks to dad’s taste.
Anyway, my mom got a little teary-eyed and said she just wanted to feed everyone well, and my dad got angrier and sent me to my room for being picky.
I know I should be extremely thankful they are feeding us well and putting a house over our heads, but I (and I know my little sister does too) often feel like we are second thoughts compared to my dad. AITJ for getting angry over this?
Edit: I do cook regularly, and when I can I cook dairy free for my sister. I do sometimes buy groceries, and when I can I buy some food for my sister and me to keep up in our bedrooms or at school. I have spoken to my mom about this before, but nothing has changed in the year or two since I first brought it up.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: I don’t think this is much about dinner, though. This is about the clear hierarchy in your household that is unfair and outdated. I think you need to talk to your mother about this when things are calmer, but I wouldn’t expect anything to change.
You can’t often change other people, but you’re about to an age where you can change YOUR environment and YOUR circumstances. I think you should be putting energy into planning what you want your life to look like and how to get there.” Rtarara
Another User Comments:
“Judgment offered with understanding and empathy:
YTJ for taking out frustrations with your father and his seeming lack of caring for your mother.
You all seem scared of him. Keeping quiet when he’s in the house. His preferences for food. Not even doing laundry when he’s home on the off chance he wants the washing machine.
You feel like you and your sister are second-class citizens in your own home.
Talk to your mother when no one else is home. Point out that the whole house revolves around your father even though a) he’s hardly there and b) he doesn’t seem to engage much when he is.
Point out that you’d like him to attend your important events. Start the conversation.
I’m suggesting reaching out to her NOT because it’s her responsibility to fix it but because she may be a more sympathetic ear in the first instance.
Good luck.” embopbopbopdoowop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am saying this with the background of raising a teenager who has blown up at me 1,000 times over much smaller stuff than this, and she will probably blow up 1,000 more. 1. You’re feelings and desires are being ignored and gaslighted. 2. You are asking for compromise within your family unit and you’re being ignored. 3.
Your sister is having her dietary needs ignored. This all sucks, and it sounds like your mother especially and the kids are being emotionally/mentally mistreated, which is just as hurtful as a physical slap.
When a woman says she is just trying to keep the peace it is usually because she is afraid of the verbal backlash that she knows is coming.
When your dad had to pick you up instead of your mom, I wonder how he blamed her for the inconvenience. You’re still a kid and these are bigger problems that shouldn’t be on your shoulders. I’m sorry you have to go through this.” Odd_Manufacturer_951
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your poor mom, no one seems to care about her wants or needs, only the ways she fails to keep everybody perfectly happy 100% of the time. I can’t really fault her for not sticking up to your father, because I’m guessing her situation is the classic frog in boiling water syndrome (as in he wasn’t always emotionally abusive, he’s just managed to acclimate her to his temper in microdoses over time).
I’m also guessing she is counting down the weeks until your younger sister graduates and she can finally file for divorce since your family’s home life is the quintessential scenario that oft precedes a walkaway wife.” AccessibleBeige
4. AITJ For Not Paying For The Replacement Of My Dad's Airconditioner?
“My dad is badly sick, he has less than a year to live. My dad has a will, and each of his kids is getting a big ticket item.
His house is willed to me. Out of all my siblings, I’m the only one that doesn’t own a home. Right now my husband and I are renting a house.
A few months ago my dad said he wanted to go ahead and sign the deed of the house over to me.
He said he wanted to do it when he was alive to make it easier after he dies. He did this for all the big-ticket items with my siblings. He signed his SUV, his truck, his motorcycle, and his camper over to my other siblings.
BUT he didn’t want his kids to actually have anything he signed over until he passed. This included the house, it is in my name, but he is still living in it and I and my husband can’t move in.
Well, the thing about my dad is he is super cheap.
A couple of months after signing everything over he tells everyone he expects them to start paying for the registrations, taxes, and insurance on everything in their name. We all figured it out, he didn’t want to make things easier, he wanted us to pay for these things for him.
So I paid the house taxes and the homeowner’s insurance for a house I can’t even live in. One of my other siblings that got his camper told him to go pound sand, they aren’t paying for something they can’t use. My dad tried to say that he’d just sell it, and my sibling responded with ‘good luck selling something when you don’t have the title and it isn’t in your name.’ I wish I had my sibling’s big brass balls.
Last week the A/C in my dad’s house went out. He had someone come out and replace whole the outside unit that died without even telling me any of this was going on. Today he hands me the bill and tells me he wants me to repay him for the cost. I refused and he got super mad.
Besides the fact that I don’t have the budget because I just paid his house taxes and insurance and am still paying my rent, I also don’t feel like this is my responsibility. Plus don’t think it’s fair that he didn’t even tell me what happened. I feel like we could have gotten the work done cheaper if we got a few quotes.
He just went with the first person he called.
This isn’t a case of him not having the money, he’s got money. He has two good pensions, one from a union job working for one of the big railroads, and another from a union job working for the state highway department.
He also gets social security from him and my mother that passed several years ago, as well as my mother’s IRA (Individual Retirement Accounts). Everything he owns is paid off thanks to a life insurance payout from when my mother passed, and his only bills are his cell phone, his internet, and his electric bill.
He has no medical bills thanks to having really kick has insurance with $0 out-of-pocket. He just doesn’t want to pay a few thousand because he’s cheap.
AITJ for refusing to pay for the A/C?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He had new HVAC installed in a home he no longer owns, and has already paid for it.
He should have done a beneficiary deed, so that it was then passed to you on a stepped-up basis, outside of probate, not deeded it to you now. He potentially just screwed up what you’ll be able to count it as if you go to sell it.
The problem is that because you own the home, you are responsible for taxes and insurance.
Sounds to me like you need to go move into the home you own.
What is he doing with his pensions if he isn’t spending them on things they are meant for, like his home!” Algebralovr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but get a lawyer. You need a contract. He’s basically your tenant. It’s your house, not his. If it’s in your name it’s not like he can take it back. Start the eviction process if he pushes. But also protect yourself and your siblings.
It isn’t just that easy to sign things over. What he did is make sure you guys escaped estate taxes which could be the cost of the AC. Check with an estate lawyer to make sure he didn’t just get you into trouble with the IRS.
Two things are certain… passing and taxes.” 24601moamo
Another User Comments:
“You need a consultation with an attorney, preferably one that covers Estate, Real Estate, and Landlord-Tenant Law so that you can cover all of those within a single consultation.
It probably still makes sense to pay the taxes and insurance—even though you shouldn’t have to—because if your dad doesn’t pay those, you are the one hurt in the long term.
But you have no obligation to pay the AC since you did not agree to the purchase. You do need to find out your rights if the contractor attempts to place a lien for nonpayment, hopefully since he doesn’t have an agreement with the current homeowner (you) he won’t be able to do that.
Ethically you are perfectly fine to refuse to cover any expenses of the home prior to when you take possession… just make sure you understand your personal risks from nonpayment.
NTJ” lisa-www
3. AITJ For Not Paying For A Competition Trip?
“I (30 female) am married to my husband Joey (34). We both have daughters from previous relationships. My daughter’s name is Hailey (10) and his daughter’s name is Jenna (11).
Both of our daughters are cheerleaders for different teams. We recently just had their competition where the winners of first and second place go to compete in Disney.
I have been saving all year since Hailey’s team is really competitive. Joey didn’t save for it because Jenna is on a smaller-town team that’s not very competitive.
Hailey’s team, unfortunately, did not win their competition this year. Jenna’s team did win theirs.
Hailey, my husband, and I were all proud of her and congratulated her.
Later that night my husband asked me about finances for the Florida trip. We have always kept finances for the girls separate as I pay for Hailey and he pays for Jenna.
I explain that since Hailey’s team didn’t win I figured she and I could go do something instead with the money I saved for Florida. Hailey doesn’t know this was my plan yet.
My husband thinks I’m being selfish and a jerk because Jenna’s team did win and we should use that same money for her to go.
I think Hailey could use a pick-me-up. I know people might ask about Jenna’s mother and she is not able to help financially for Jenna to go. We have already spoken to her. Also if any of the girls on the team cannot go to Florida then the team has to forfeit.
The team might do some fundraising but the expense will be on the parents.
AITJ?
Edit: We can’t make it a family trip because there’s not enough money. I had saved enough for myself and 1/2 of Hailey’s trip. Hailey’s father was paying for the other 1/2 of her trip.
My husband doesn’t believe in loans when it comes to family.
I did see some people ask how Hailey would feel about it. Hailey knows her dad and I save this money for her every year – her dad and I go without some luxuries for a while and she sees the sacrifices we go through.
I don’t ever regret it. However, I won’t ask her to use that money for her step-sister because she shouldn’t have to get in the middle.
My ex thinks we should do something nice for our daughter – either a small trip, a fun outing, or new clothes or shoes, etc. – just something fun and then use the rest for the next cheer season or her next big expenses.
Update: Tonight my husband and I had another disagreement about the money. I did call my ex because I didn’t want Hailey to overhear any of the argument and we decided it’ll be best for her to spend the week with him. I’m going to go stay at my parents’ house for a couple of days.
As of right now my husband has been calling and sending numerous texts calling me the jerk and selfish. I’m currently ignoring it.
When I dropped off Hailey to my ex we did talk about how Hailey will be needing braces for a long time.
She currently has her first set and will be getting a second set in the future. So we have decided to talk about putting that money towards Invisalign if she wants that instead in high school.
Final update: I had a conversation with my ex about the money we had put aside for Hailey.
We’ve taken some of the money to buy her some new clothes and shoes. The rest of the money has been put away for Hailey in the future. Hailey and I will be taking a trip just the two of us this weekend. We’re going to go to the spa, do some shopping, and do whatever else she’d like to do.
I have let my husband know if he wants Jenna to go on the Disney trip it will be up to him and her mother to fund the trip and do the fundraising. He doesn’t agree but understands.”
Another User Comments:
“Technically NTJ, but food for thought:
Jenna’s dad or both of you (not sure how you do your finances) didn’t even bother saving up for her trip because you didn’t expect her to get far, but you did for Hailey. Now that Jenna’s team has done this amazing thing, you want her to miss out on it so you can take your daughter on a ‘pity vacation’.
Yes, if your finances are separate, you aren’t technically on the hook financially for Jenna. BUT: From Jenna’s perspective, it looks like the parent figures in her life didn’t believe in her, and then chose her stepsister over her when she did manage to do something amazing.
This has the potential to be a turning point in your relationship with your stepdaughter. Tread carefully.” Clear-Assistant-7070
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Family policies that keep not only the money but the children separate so that he pays for ‘his’ daughter and you pay for ‘your’ daughter are jerkish in their very existence.
You cannot more clearly say to a child, ‘I don’t consider you family to me or my child,’ than by refusing to treat them financially as your own.
Everything else that happened in this situation came out of that. He didn’t bother to save enough, but it wouldn’t have mattered if you had ever really combined your family.
If he routinely spent his money foolishly, you would have had to have already had the discussion about taking responsibility for the family as a whole – you wouldn’t have been able to put it off as not your problem, because it wasn’t your daughter.
And he obviously just as much doesn’t see your daughter as his own. If he did, he would have been saving money while it was expected that she was likely to win her competition, because that way he could help send her to the tournament she was expected to go to.
And it would have been easy enough, if Jenna won and Hailey didn’t, to change the direction of the family money over to Jenna’s trip.
Both you and your husband have created and maintained a policy that sucks for both children in ways that go far, far beyond the question of whether or not Jenna will be able to go to this tournament.
You’ve ensured that neither of them is able to bond with their stepparent and feel securely a part of the family as a whole. And you’ve set them up to constantly compete with each other, by making it clear that whenever there’s a shortage of something, each child will be championed by their biological parent and opposed by the other.” VoyagerVII
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a bad situation overall but you would be foolish to just hand over the money as an (obligatory) ‘gift.’ Even if he suddenly decides he will ‘accept’ a loan I think you know he won’t pay it back.
It sounds like a good part of the money came from your ex and he would probably be very upset to find you just handed it over to someone else instead of using it as intended. Even a ‘loan’ would be problematic from his perspective.
The fact that your current husband refuses to help with surgery or braces for your daughter but wants you to just hand over a chunk of money for Disney is… something.
This situation is far from ideal but seeing what an entitled mooch your current husband is turning out to be, it would be foolish to combine finances now bc it would give you even less control over how he spends the money you save.
And it sounds like he has a very convenient set of beliefs about yours being his and his being his.
It’s interesting how people react to certain situations. This is fundamentally no different from situations where a child in a blended family gets something nice from a parent and the stepparent demands they ‘share’ or give it up entirely to the step-sibling.
The reality is that the parent providing the support and/or gifts would be furious and with good reason. When a substantial part of a child’s support is coming from another parent, you really aren’t supposed to just throw it into a pot and share it equally with people it was never intended for.
Paying for housing and utilities etc is completely different from funding a trip specifically with money saved for another child.” No_Doughnut1807
2. AITJ For Going To My Niece's Wedding?
“I have a handful of sisters, a couple of which I am closer to. One of them has two daughters in their twenties that my husband and I are also pretty close to.
A few years ago the older of the nieces got married and invited me, all of my sisters, and our dad, but only me and one other sister went to the wedding.
These two girls have often felt disrespected by my other sisters and were pretty hurt by no one showing up to that wedding. The younger niece just got married this past weekend, but she had only invited me and the other sister that went to the last wedding on the basis that they wanted to keep it small, and only invite people she thought would come.
She asked us to keep it a secret until she was officially married, which we did.
Immediately after the ceremony, the younger niece sent a text to all of her aunts with the news of her marriage. Now all of our other sisters are outraged at my other sister and me for not sharing our niece’s information and for going to the wedding at all.
An additional detail is that the wedding this weekend was on the other side of the country from all of the sisters.
AITJ for not telling my sisters about the wedding and for going to it knowing they weren’t invited?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
When are people going to get it through their thick heads that someone else’s wedding is not about THEM?
Your niece did what she felt was best for HER (which is what she should be doing). Refusing to attend because your sisters weren’t invited would be making it about YOU.
Keeping it a secret was the direct ask of your niece. You did nothing wrong.
Your sisters are making an issue of it because of their internal recognition of their own past behavior, which they want to pretend doesn’t exist. Tell them you were honoring the bride’s wishes.
Hopefully, this is uncommon behavior for your sisters, not the norm, and you can all leave it behind.” Mejorando99
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! The only people who should be at a wedding, are those whom the bride and groom want there. The family is not guaranteed an invite.
I’m really proud of your niece for having firm boundaries after the other aunts had made her and her sister feel disrespected in the past. It couldn’t have been easy for her. Also, good for you, for respecting her enough to keep it a secret.
Your other sisters are the jerks. They probably feel jilted and embarrassed by their past behavior, and are lashing out at you due to hurt feelings. They should work on repairing their relationship with their nieces unless they don’t want to miss out on more precious moments in their lives.” AffectionateAd8770
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but the niece probably didn’t handle the situation well. Asking you to lie to your sisters puts you in a trashy place and gives them a reason to feel hurt/blind-sighted. She doesn’t have to invite them but probably shouldn’t have kept it a secret.
Keeping it a secret is her choice but it does give the sisters a reason to feel hurt and feel hurt that you specifically lied to them.” holliday_doc_1995
1. AITJ For Not Telling My Wife That Our Son Broke His Arm?
“I (42 M) have been with my wife Janet (40 F) for 16 yrs. We have one son Jack (11 M).
Before we started seeing each other, my wife, her mom, and sister have dreamed about doing a girls’ trip together. They’ve never pulled the trigger, but they talk about it at least twice a year.
So for a combined birthday/Christmas gift for everyone, I booked and paid for a 7-night cruise for the 3 of them. Everyone was super excited and I was the husband/in-law of the year.
Well… 2 days into the cruise and my son broke his arm.
We rushed him to the doctor and he’s holding up great. The break wasn’t severe and his cast isn’t covering his entire arm in the permanent hand-raised position.
Here is where I might be the jerk. I didn’t tell my wife when it happened. My initial thought was to call her immediately, but then I thought it through.
1. I didn’t have an easy way to call. She’s on a cruise with no cell service. I’m sure there is a way to contact her, but I didn’t have it ready. 2. There was nothing she could do. Was she going to cut it short and get a crazy expensive 1-way flight to come home?
I didn’t want to worry her. 3. Our son was fine! He was upset he had to wait for the swelling to go down to get a cast because he wanted everyone to sign it. 4. She was going to be home when the cast went on.
So I didn’t tell my wife till I picked her up. Now everyone is calling me a jerk for keeping that information from her. She is mad at me and giving me the silent treatment. Somehow by not telling her I also ruined the trip.
I just wanted her to enjoy a trip she’s been talking about for almost 2 decades.
Was I wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go with a soft YTJ.
You could have easily texted her and told her about it and said it was totally ok, taken care of, and there was no need for her to worry.
But you didn’t and now she feels like it was withheld from her. Even if she couldn’t have done anything, she still feels like she should have known. What if she wanted to have a quick phone call with your son to make sure he’s ok?
That’s a totally normal thing to want. And I’m not even a parent!
I would acknowledge that you should have told her, while you explain why you didn’t. She needs to trust you in the future, so make it clear that in the future you’ll let her know when things happen.” profmoxie
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with ‘no jerks here’ because you had great intentions and you handled the situation. I’m also a mom though so I get her feelings. I’d want to know immediately if my child was hurt but I’d also feel guilty for not being there so you’re right it might have ruined the trip.
I’d say her anger is more to do with her guilt about her child being hurt while she was away having a good time. Mom guilt is a real thing! It’s ingrained in us that we have to be there to take care of every situation and be a super mom all the time.
A situation made worse by these so-called perfect moms on social media that make us feel inferior even though deep down we know it’s probably an act and when the cameras turn off their life is probably as crazy as ours. Give her a little time and she’ll come around.
Just make sure she knows you think she’s a great mom and sometimes things just happen but if it ever happens again you’ll call her immediately.” Kriss1986
Another User Comments:
“YTJ –
Your wife is silent because it isn’t just about your son’s arm, she’s just processing that you might not be as great as she thought you were, and it hurts.
It is a reality check for her. If a process isn’t easy and ready (in your words) for you, you might not be dependable. You can’t/won’t figure things out for yourself if they are too difficult. You make judgment calls that she doesn’t agree with.
If your wife becomes ill in the future, what will happen if she isn’t able to make things ready and easy? You withhold information to manipulate her actions (would she come home early was one of the reasons you decided not to tell her). You removed her ability to choose because you might not have liked her choice.
For the record, if you ever need to contact someone on a cruise, call the cruise line. If you didn’t know how to contact her you should have called the cruise line and asked. It… I don’t want to be really harsh and say you showed a total lack of common sense, but… this seems like a pretty basic move to me.
This whole line of reasoning is so ridiculous that it seems more like a justification for your actions (a flimsy justification) than an actual hurdle that was too difficult for you to overcome.
Your line about not wanting to cut the cruise short and it being crazy expensive.
I can see the good intention there if I took what you said in good faith, but as flimsy as your other reason/justifications were it is hard to extend good faith. You made a choice for your wife without her input that she may very well not have agreed with, and you chose to withhold information because you knew she might do something you didn’t agree with.
You treated her like a child and manipulated her. You lied through omission, but blame the omission on contact being too difficult.
You moved your wife from partner territory to a place where you withhold information from her and make decisions for her own good, without her knowledge.
That is a trust breaker. That’s going to hurt.
You can justify each step of your actions for each reason, but the reality is that when you step back, you’ve really messed up. If your line was that you didn’t think it was serious enough to call, and that was your only reason, it wouldn’t have been this bad.
The way you reasoned this out though… reasons one and two – those are what makes this worse.
It might help your case if instead of asking if you were wrong, you went to her and told her that you understand you really messed up and that when she wants to talk to you, you are ready to listen and fully accept anything she wants to say to you.
I’m sure your wife will forgive you, and you’ll think I’m insanely harsh because the conversation won’t be that bad. The truth is that I don’t believe you just are ignorant and made stupid mistakes. I think you made some bad choices, and instead of owning them, you are playing the dumb and didn’t know any better card, which is another layer of manipulation that your wife isn’t going to be happy about if she comes to the same conclusion.
Weaponized Incompetence is the label that a phone call being too difficult for you to figure out falls under, and a less trusting person might wonder if you pulled this while she was on vacation to punish her for that, and show her what she can expect if she tries it again.” User
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