People Don't Want To Accept That They're Jerks Without Hearing Our Thoughts About Their Stories
20. AITJ For Calling My Wife Ridiculous For Not Wanting To Attend Christmas Over Some Stockings?
“My mom has a tradition for every Christmas and that is to get custom stockings of her grandchildren’s names (Cody, Mia, Sammy, Alaina… etc…) and hang those stockings near the fireplace.
My wife and I have been together for 3 years. She has a son (my stepkid) from her former marriage. When she found out about the tradition mom has, she said she expects my stepson to get his own custom stocking and be hanged along with the other kids’ stockings.
I asked my mom and she said that she loves her step-grandchild but does not feel comfortable yet having a stocking of his name and gang it in her home.
Apparently, my wife refused to drop it and chose it as a hill to die on and even told me she would not be attending the Christmas party if mom doesn’t do it.
We started arguing about it for days. I finally blew up and told her it was not reasonable for me or her to dictate how my mom decorates her home and what stockings she hangs. She started crying and called me ‘blind’ for not seeing how my family are treating my stepson.
I said they love him and some stocking isn’t going to prove anything. She said she wouldn’t go then and I called her ridiculous for deciding not to go over something so trivial.
We have been in conflict about it since then and she’s refusing to even speak to me.
AITJ for saying that it was ridiculous for her to decide not to go over some stockings?
My stepson’s age is 9.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ! And your mother is a major jerk, too. This is your wife, and you consider him your stepson. Obviously, he’s been around your family long enough.
Your mom ‘loves’ him but not enough to feel ‘comfortable’ hanging a stocking? Dense much? Your mom is making your stepson feel unwelcome and like he’s not part of your family. He is gonna ask why he’s the only one without a stocking. Yes, this IS the hill your wife should die on because she’s there to protect her son.
I’m glad my MIL isn’t anything like your mother. She had a stocking already hung for my son before meeting him.” RowenaStarr13
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
That’s a quick way to make this child feel alienated and make it clear they are different. Imagine being a child and seeing stockings with everyone else’s name on it but yours.
Seeing all the other kids open theirs up and you sit there just watching. That breaks my heart.
This is not your partner. This is your wife. Her child is now your child and should be treated as such. She has every right to protect her child from that kind of embarrassment and pain.
That could cause trauma that lasts for years and forever impacts that child’s relationship with you and your family.
I have grabbed extra stockings for my children’s friends and partners. If they’re at my house when stockings are being opened, they get a stocking. No one will feel left out on Christmas under my watch.
You can get them from the dollar store, and fill them with dollar store items. Cost is not an issue, so what is it then besides an intentional act to show one child is not welcomed the same as the others?
Sheesh this makes me angry.” ascrumner
Another User Comments:
“YTJ to the staaaars! You are a grown-up adult, married with a stepchild, and I refuse to believe that you actually think this is about your mom’s decorating choices and not about your mom wielding family traditions like a hammer to insult and exclude your family.
Your mom is clearly and loudly stating that she doesn’t respect you or your wife and that she doesn’t view your family as legitimate. And also that she’s perfectly happy to take out her ire on a child, who is also the only person in this scenario who has no choices about their family.
It sounds like you also need a refresher on how boundaries work. It’s certainly your mother’s right to refuse to hang a stocking with her stepson’s name on it, however small-minded and mean it is. It’s also your wife’s right – and responsibility – to protect her son from adults who think he’s less than others.
What’s actually happening here is that your MOTHER is choosing to die on the hill of being aggressively jerkish to a child, and your WIFE is exercising her responsibility to protect her son from being insulted and excluded. Your wife is correct.
Your choice is to pick a side: your mother or your wife and stepson.
You have the power to fix this by informing your mother that if she’s too ‘uncomfortable’ to include your family in holiday traditions you will not be attending and then follow through.
If you’re not up to the task of standing up for your wife and stepson then yeah.
If I were your wife I’d be crying too, because I’d be facing up to the fact that my husband is attempting to force me to choose between my son and my husband, and my son will win every single time. This is the kind of stuff that breaks marriages.” Dazzling_Suspect_239
19. AITJ For Telling My Youngest Brother The Truth About Everything?
“I (24) have a 26-year-old sister and a 23-year-old brother (we’ll call him Jake). I also have a 12-year-old brother (we’ll call him Ryan), and he’s the reason for this conflict. When Jake was a kid, I’m not going to get into the specifics, but doctors didn’t think he would make it to twelve.
Jake wasn’t just the baby of the family, but also the only boy. Our parents really wanted a boy and always said it was a good thing Jake was a boy because they didn’t want to have a fourth kid. Do you see where this is going?
Ryan was born when Jake was at his sickest, and Jake knew Ryan was supposed to be his replacement. Jake has been in remission for a decade, and he has always hated Ryan. Our parents also don’t dote on Ryan like they did/do Jake.
It’s obvious to me that they regret him. They are perfectly adequate parents to Ryan when Jake isn’t around, but when he is, they ignore him so Jake doesn’t get upset.
On Thanksgiving Jake said he was thankful for his parents and sisters. Ryan was upset that he wasn’t counted, and our parents ended up telling him off and sending him to his room.
Ryan has been miserable ever since. He keeps asking me why Jake hates him. I decided he needed to know the truth, so he knew it wasn’t anything he did. He was sad after I told him, but he thanked me for being honest.
Last night Ryan confronted our parents.
They are furious with me. They demanded that I call Ryan and tell him what I said was a mean prank. They said I had no right to tell anyone their business or make up horrible conclusions. I didn’t make it up. I know the truth.
Am I the jerk for telling it to Ryan?
Edit: I confronted my parents about the possibility. They denied it, but I don’t know. A lot of what you said makes perfect sense. I didn’t get anything out of them either way.
Also, Ryan was a planned pregnancy.
Mom got on fertility meds (she was 39 and thought she would have difficulty conceiving) and she bought the pregnancy tests in a pack of six like she was planning on needing to take a test several times. They were not surprised in any way when she got pregnant.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your brother deserves to know what happened in the family before he was born. You just behaved like a big sister. Besides, it’s better that he knows it’s not his fault or anything that he did, which can lead to a lot of unnecessary self-hatred that he absolutely doesn’t deserve.
Also, your parents could really use some therapy, they don’t seem aware of what they’re doing and how badly it can affect Ryan. Or they know, and they miserably dismiss it. Either way, not good.” Lazy-Nectarine21
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents, however, are jerks of a scale I can’t even begin to imagine.
Treating their youngest as surplus to requirements because their first son ended up being okay is reprehensible. Not to mention viewing him as a ‘replacement’ were Jake not to survive, as if a child is some kind of commodity.
Ryan will grow to resent them and it would not be at all a surprise if, when he is an adult, he cuts contact with them entirely.
I’m sure that at that point your parents will do a surprised Pikachu face and find it mystifying that the son they neglected and emotionally mistreated wants nothing to do with them.” TheBrassDancer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s noticed what’s happening around him and deserves to be told the truth.
If you hadn’t told him, he would likely spend the rest of his life thinking he was naturally unlovable. Please don’t tell him it was a prank, that would be an incredibly cruel thing to do.
As you have been the one to tell him, I do believe it’s now your responsibility to check in on him to see how he is coping with this new information.
Help him in any way you can if he’s having problems with it. That’s some heavy information to lay on a kid, you have to make sure he’s doing okay. Be aware that your parents will almost certainly use the prank line to cover up if they haven’t done so already.” RudeHelicopter4662
18. AITJ For Buying An Expensive Lightsaber?
“I’m a big Star Wars fan and have always wanted a high-end lightsaber. But the really fancy, expensive ones cost hundreds of dollars, maybe even a thousand if you want it really fancy. Needless to say, I couldn’t justify the cost. But still, I wanted one, so I saved up a few extra bucks a week for exactly one year to buy one.
Nothing much, just 20 bucks a week and a little extra when I had it. Well, my year came up just last week and I was able to save up a little over a thousand dollars and buy an amazing lightsaber from Vader’s Vault.
I told my partner (30f) about it, and she got really angry at me.
She said if I wanted a lightsaber I could have just gotten a cheaper one and that spending a grand on a lightsaber is the most childish thing she’s ever heard of. She said it’s a selfish thing to do, especially since she needs a new car, and was hoping I’d give her some help.
I told her that it was my money and that it wasn’t like I blew an entire paycheck on it, I saved up for a year. She said the money could have been used for something far more necessary than a toy. We argued some more until she stormed off.
Now she’s giving me the cold shoulder and not talking to me.
I mean it’s not like we’re struggling, living paycheck to paycheck. All of my bills are current except for one credit card that I owe a measly $100 bucks on. And we save a decent amount for emergencies and the future and the like.
And I think I’m entitled to splurge on myself once in a while, the last big thing I purchased was a gift for her.
But still, AITJ for spending so much money on a lightsaber?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she’s your partner, not your wife.
Although it’s not politically correct, I point out this significant difference between a legal commitment to mingle your finances and build a prosperous life together vs being in a relationship.
In my 20s, I once bought a beautiful pair of high-style white 80s sunglasses on a beach vacation with a partner of decades ago.
He was appalled that I bought them without looking at the price tag and started an argument and called me financially irresponsible. Well, I owned my own business, and did quite well, so I said it’s my money, none of your business, and deal with it.
I broke up with him a few months later.
Dear OP, it’s a red flag when a partner tells you how to spend your hard-earned money and insults you over it. Their expectations are not yours to manage, especially when your partner had plans for your money for her car.
Before entering into marriage is the time to discuss in depth your values, morals, beliefs, and most importantly, financial habits and outlook. So your situation while cohabitating is an excellent time to reevaluate if you want this person as your life partner.
By the way, your lightsaber sounds really cool.” BeenThereT
Another User Comments:
“She’s a jerk, not to mention selfish. ‘I am going to give the cold shoulder be aggressive and angry because you wouldn’t spend your money on me’. What is that?
That is your money, that you earned and as long as you are paying your half of the bills her behavior is ridiculous.
Also calling it childish, people collect things all the time. It’s not cool to bash someone just because it’s not their cup of tea. There is nothing wrong with treating yourself my dude. If this is a consistent kind of behavior from her you might want to think about things.
If this is the behavior with an ‘in a relationship’ situation anything more serious where you are financially tied would be a nightmare.” aPataPeladaGringa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As long as you’re being responsible and putting current bills and your security first, what’s wrong with splurging on something you want and SAVED FOR A YEAR for?
It’d be the same exact situation if say she wanted an expensive purse or shoes or camera or concert tickets or whatever she has a huge interest in and SAVED for it. You are allowed to do/buy things that make you happy so long as it’s not hurting anybody.
Just because you are an adult doesn’t mean you don’t get to indulge in things that made you happy as a child or things you wish you had gotten as a child. I always had beat-up used barbies with no actual clothing or accessories. Bet your butt I would buy myself a barbie with the works.” User
17. AITJ For Buying A Plus-Sized Dress Then Tailoring It To Give To My Friend?
“I love to play seamstress as a hobby. I also love to thrift shop.
My best friend has this certain tartan pattern that she absolutely loves and I found a near-perfect replica of it at a thrift store.
I was so excited and to me, it doesn’t really matter what size it was… I can tailor it to fit my friend. I’m not trying to be insulting but I have actually never seen a dress this size before and I had to do some pretty serious modifications and to be honest the dress was more for fabric than a particular design.
I gave it to my friend as an early Christmas present and she absolutely loved it. It made me happy that it made her so happy. I also left her the scraps and leftovers with the instructions that if she ever saw another piece of clothing that I could use it for, please let me know.
I guess her sister went digging through the scraps and found the original size of the dress on the tag.
I have known both she and her sister since we were all kids and although I’m best friends with the younger sister, I have never quite seen eye to eye with the older sister – please keep that in mind while reading the text she sent me (it’s cut and paste as I got it).
We have been best friends since we were kids, and you know how hard it is for me to find clothes. What you did with that dress is a horrible thing to do to me and to other plus-sized women who struggle to find pretty dresses in good that we can wear out.
You found one of them and ripped it to shreds to give to her so she can buy her garbage at Forever 21 whenever she wants. I killed for that dress. It would have changed my holidays to have a good go-to in that pattern that I could have worn over and over again.
And now I have to stress all over again this year. But you to me and ALL OTHER plus-sized women who would have loved that dress. why not just give it to me? What is wrong with you?
I had no idea this was even a thing.
I was trying to do a nice thing for my friend but honestly, her sister didn’t even enter my brain until I got that text. My friend says I have nothing to worry about, but the text really bothers me. I’m not sure why.
Was I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I do think the sister is reacting to the popular trend of ‘upcycling’ plus-sized thrift clothes for social media clout.
That trend is pretty jerkish, but that’s not what you did. You saw an item you wanted to alter for a friend, then got the item and did the alterations.
Not for a single tiktok video or whatever, but because you genuinely thought your friend would love the item and get a lot of use from it. What you did is pretty much the reality of what thrifting is for people of any size to get quality, attractive clothes from thrifting.
Clothes end up in thrift stores primarily because they are no longer fashionable or no longer fit correctly. This is even more true for plus-size clothes.
Now, this said, the sister has a fair point about plus-size clothes being rare in thrift stores and expensive across the board.
There is something to the idea of leaving those clothes for those who need them. Or, even better, if thrifting is a hobby, making sure those clothes get to those who need them by buying them and giving them to friends/family or redonating to closets for those in need. If you’re willing and able to help with minor alterations or repairs, even better.
But, this is not an obligation. You don’t have any particular duty to help plus-sized people to not be a jerk while thrifting clothes.” evil_nala
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a plus-sized woman myself I find her anger at this situation absolutely ridiculous. Yes it’s extremely frustrating that not many stores carry clothes in larger sizes and it is even more frustrating that often the larger-sized clothes that can be found aren’t as cute or flattering as the straight-sized clothing but that doesn’t mean that literally, every single piece of cute clothing in a large size found at a thrift store need to go to plus sized people just because we struggle to find clothes in normal stores.
It’s not your job to fix the issue by just giving her clothes that you find that would fit her.” Scared_Fox_1813
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sweetie. Not even in the slightest.
This was a particular pattern your friend loved. Of course, you thought of her when you found it!
Honestly, it sounds like your friend’s sis is just looking to be offended & start a fight. Also very likely jealous. But her text to you was just ridiculous. I’d be hard-pressed not to ignore/block her & be done with her drama.
Clearly, if you found that dress in a thrift/secondhand store, that piece of clothing was once made/sold new. Has friend’s sis thought to look into where it was originally produced/sold from?
Unless it was a custom-made or non-branded piece, friend’s sis could go to Google & search for the clothing brand.
Or ‘clothing like (brand-dress)’. That’s what I’ve done with thrift clothing items I really loved or wanted more info on.
For you to have found that dress is pretty incredible; at least in my experience, thrifting is hit & miss. It takes luck, a good eye, and some hard work to find those treasures.
Who’s to say that it for sure would have been bought & used if you hadn’t found it? Your friend’s sister is more than welcome to take a look at thrift stores herself.
I love that you gave a second life to the dress.
It’s now a lovely, thoughtful gift for your friend to treasure; and it sounds like your friend appreciates it & you very much. Be proud that you’re such an amazing seamstress & that you’re putting so much goodness in the world!” AnFnDumbKAREN
16. AITJ For Telling My Grandfather That I Don't Need His Blessing?
“I (24F) got married yesterday in the courthouse to my now dear husband (24M).
Just the two of us, his best friend and my best friend. A private, short ceremony, and after that just us two had a wonderful day.
We will have a ceremony (in church) and a reception with close friends and family in exactly a year planned and the invites already send out.
And it was a known ‘secret’ that we would marry alone before the church wedding and not invite anyone except our best man/maid of honor.
Long before I got married my maternal grandfather told me if I eloped without his blessing he would be mad and have a serious talk with my mom.
And apparently, he felt the need to not only talk to my mom but to me about marrying in the courthouse without him and his blessing.
My mom ignored it and told me it was my husband’s and my rightful decision to choose how we are getting married. And she backs me up.
So I thought I was through with it, but then he called me to berate me for my ‘disrespectful decision’ and my lack of manners. And that I should have gotten at least his blessing for marriage in the courthouse.
I am a pretty temperament full person and I kept a lot to myself when it comes to my grandfather because he will get upset over literally anything.
But this time my temper got the better of me and I blew up.
I told him that I did not need his blessing on anything and that we lived in the modern age and I am free (legally and morally) to choose how to be married without getting consent from anybody but my husband.
And if he found it so disrespectful and awful that I did what I did, then he won’t need to attend the church wedding.
He reacted by calling me a disgrace and a jerk, because ‘You are not allowed to talk to old people like that.’ My grandmother backs him up by telling me I am morally in the wrong for hurting his feelings by not inviting him to my courthouse wedding and then yelling at him when he talked about his hurt with me.
So AITJ for yelling at him after his saying that I should have gotten his blessing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: it’s a generational thing your grandparents aren’t wrong for their beliefs either I think it’s just what they were taught to believe. They probably have been taught by their parents that eloping is bad but like you said times change and today that’s not a bad thing as you were probably taught and have learned. You stood up to your beliefs and your husband’s and that’s all you can do and it’s a respectable thing.
It’s a gray area where you and your grandparents will probably have to have a long conversation on how you agree to disagree. But I don’t think either one of you is wrong you just hold different beliefs.” iatabsru2344
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your grandfather is way too stuck in the past. And if he doesn’t like that you and your husband decided to marry at the courthouse, well too bad!
The next time (if there is a next time) he tells you that you have to listen to him or get his approval just because he’s grandpa, remind him that it’s not 1950, the ‘approval of the elders’ is not a legal or moral requirement, and that respect is earned, not given.
And in my opinion, you should cut him out of the wedding. If grandma wants to back him up again, disinvite her as well.” osorenegado
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s 2022. Women no longer need permission from anyone to get married. I don’t understand people who get so personally offended when their children (or in this case grandchildren) choose to elope rather than have a wedding with a bunch of people there.
I can understand being disappointed that you didn’t get to see your child get married but not to the point of outrage where it’s worth ruining your relationship with your child.” CampClear
15. AITJ For Snapping At My Friend Who Hid My Phone As A Joke?
“I have had my phone for a couple of months now but regarding my last phone (which I had for about 3 years) I’ve lost it twice and knowing that my family cannot afford a new phone without having saved up money, I freak out every time I am not able to find my phone or when someone other than my family members take it from me.
About an hour ago, right before 5th period, I left my phone and books under my desk like I usually do. The guy who sits in front of me (Luke) spotted it and decided to play a ‘prank’ by taking it and pretending not to know where it is.
I saw him take it. I and Luke are kind of friends (we joke around during class and talk a little bit but nothing more than that.) So I knew that he wasn’t actually planning to steal it but I couldn’t help but grow nervous so I of course demanded it back.
Instead of giving me my phone he ran out of the class to his friends and gave it to one of them, who gave it to someone else, and so on.
We came to a point where Luke actually didn’t know where the phone had gone, his friends are like strangers to me and so am I to them, I’ve never spoken to them and they don’t know me so they had no reason to tell me where my phone was.
At this point, I panicked, sat down, and literally fought tears as I imagined my dad’s reaction after telling him I lost my phone. At this point, two of my friends (Jess and Penny) sat down by me and after learning what happened, they rushed to the guys to demand my phone back since they know them.
After not getting an answer other than ‘I don’t know’, or ‘what phone’ the chick who unfortunately sits next to me made fun of me by making some sort of baby face (???) ready to cry, I guess it was obvious I was upset yet no one wanted to tell me where my phone was.
I went to class without it, all stressed and the more time passed the more horrible I felt knowing that my parents had been saving up for about a year and put every dime they had to get me a good phone.
After class, my ‘friend’ Jess came to me and with a wide grin took my phone out of her pocket and laughed in my face.
She. Had. It. The. Whole. Time. She saw how I was fighting tears but didn’t do anything. She brushed it off saying ‘I know you were upset but that’s the magic of the joke! Got you gurlll!’ Thanks to Luke and the chick sitting next to me I was already furious and her laughter made it worse.
I snapped telling her how unfunny it was and how I would not consider her a friend anymore. I was literally on the verge of tears. Her SO, Luke, and his friends backed her up while Penny was on my side (Penny is a real one omg) half my class is upset with me, calling me a phone addict for the way I reacted and that it was just a harmless joke.
Was I too harsh?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Can she explain what’s so funny about the joke? Is it funny to watch your friend panic? Is it funny to watch your friend cry? Is it funny to watch other people start to make fun of your friend?
Because if those are the things she finds funny, she’s not someone you want as a friend. I don’t think it’s funny to take people’s belongings at all, but the moment she saw that you were upset, she should have given it back and apologized for upsetting you.
You guys are all still young so hopefully, they outgrow their trashy behavior soon. ‘It was just a joke’ results in real consequences eventually.” Nobeernotvsmthgsmthg
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That girl is not your friend.
Since it was a ‘harmless’ joke, then it should be okay to get the parents involved, right?
I mean, if they can see it as being funny instead of a potential theft issue, all should be just A-ok. I’m petty. I would return the favor to both the main perpetrators, but that would potentially get you in trouble.” ConfectionExtra7869
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they took your property on school grounds without your permission and play games in not giving your phone back. And they knew how hard it is for you to even get a new phone but still went ahead. And then call it a joke.
Which I say isn’t funny at all. This tells me that they will keep doing it because they disregard your feeling over how thrilling it is to see you squirm in knowing you almost lost your phone again. You have every right to be angry.
They are not your friend. Since they didn’t care about your feelings.” AznJellyBean
14. AITJ For Naming My Daughter After My Biological Grandmothers?
“I lived with both of my biological grandmothers from the age of 6 to the age of 10.
The reason for this is my mom and I got into a car accident when I was 6. The accident took her from me and injured me badly and left me with a lot of psychological problems as well. Mainly because I was mostly conscious and I had to watch my mom die in front of me and I couldn’t reach for her or help her.
It was hours before we were found as well.
My parents had been divorced and my dad was remarried with a baby on the way. Even though I had known and been close to my dad before my mom passed away when she passed away I could not handle being around him and Nadia, and in the hospital, I suffered a lot with outbursts that led to panic attacks.
It went on for long enough and was bad enough for my recovery, that it was agreed I would go to live with my grandma from my mom’s side but then both grandmas decided to come together, both being widows and me being their shared granddaughter to help me heal. They were monumental in my recovery.
I had to do physical therapy as well as see a psychiatrist and a play therapist to help with the psychological trauma I suffered.
So admittedly, I was comfortable with my grandmas and had wanted to stay with them even though I was in a place to live with my dad and Nadia again.
But dad never wanted it to take four years, it just took that long because I didn’t blend in seamlessly with Nadia or my half-sister who was 3.5 at that point.
Nadia’s mother was very present in Nadia’s life and the lives of my half-siblings. She considered me her oldest grandchild too but I never had any special kind of bond with her.
That was reserved for the grandmas who had helped me. But Nadia’s mom was special to everyone else.
She passed away in April and in June I gave birth to my and my husband’s first child, our daughter, Rosie, who is named after both my grandmas (one is Rosie, the other is Rose who always went by Rosie).
My daughter’s name made both my grandma’s so happy. They still live together and are the best of friends and now get to enjoy their namesake. But Nadia, my half-siblings, and my dad are not happy that I chose to honor them when they were living but not Nadia’s mom who had passed and considered me the oldest grandchild.
In Nadia’s family, it’s a tradition that the first grandchild born after the passing of a grandparent be named after said grandparent and I didn’t do that. Nadia and my half-sister are especially bitter about my decision because they don’t like that I never blended into the family my dad created the way they wanted me to and that I never embraced the fact I was accepted as the oldest grandchild by Nadia’s mom.
Months later and it turned into a heated discussion because my family and I are not joining them for Christmas. Nadia and my half-sister said I was hateful for dissing their mom/grandma and for not honoring her acceptance from her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are not obligated to name your baby anything but what you want to name them. Baby name traditions are not an obligation.
Accepting your daughter’s stepchildren as hers and treating them the same as her biological children are literally the expectation. I’m glad your step-grandma was a kind woman who did that, but I’m sorry, no one should get accolades for the low bar of ‘she doesn’t treat children like crap.’
Your baby, your name. However, it seems there is more resentment built up here than just the baby’s name. You will need to decide how much you want to engage with that and whether you want to try to work on the relationship or not.” opalandolive
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You should have snapped back at your half-sister:
‘This is YOUR mom’s family’s tradition, not MY family tradition. You should be grateful that YOU can uphold it if ever you have a girl. I named my daughter after people near and dear to me, and you need to get over it.’
I’m sure it was difficult for Nadia and her daughter to accept that you never blended in but with your traumatic history, and your closeness to your living grandmothers, they should have kept their judgmental thoughts to themselves on these matters. None of this behavior will draw you closer to any of them.” jammy913
Another User Comments:
“I would go with NTJ, just because they’re still trying to guilt you and making a big deal out of it, otherwise I would have voted ‘no jerks here’ because I can see both points of view.
It’s your baby, you get to choose, and nobody has a right to complain.
You wanted to honor your grandmothers and that’s commendable.
I can also understand their point of view if it’s actually a real tradition in their culture to have the first kids born after the death of a grandparent using the name. I would have understood if they were just disappointed that you weren’t interested in following through and then just moved on and accepted your decision.
Everyone can have emotions, they’re grieving someone who was not very important in your life but was essential in their life. But giving you a hard time months after the name and using this as an argument in every other fight, no, it’s unacceptable.” Responsible_Brain852
13. AITJ For Not Going To My Husband's Celebration Dinner?
“My husband has been working really hard the last two years to advance at his company and he finally got the promotion he’s been after. I’m really, really proud of him. His parents are too and wanted to take us all out to dinner to celebrate.
My husband absolutely loves prime rib and there’s only one place in our area that serves it so he picked that restaurant. The thing is – I’m not fond of steak. I’ll eat it but very rarely. I prefer chicken or fish. I looked up the menu before leaving and right now they have a limited menu.
The place had only one fish entree and two chicken entrees, and none of them sounded good for various reasons. I suggested that he pick someplace else so everyone can eat. He refused to cite that we rarely get to go to this place but go to other places in our area regularly which is true, but those places have lots of variety so everyone can eat.
He suggested that I ask if they could prepare the fish or chicken without the marinades or sauces but I didn’t want it to be difficult for the kitchen staff. His next suggestion was that I order dessert while everyone else ate entrees and then when we were done, he would take me where I wanted so I could eat dinner while he and the kids ate dessert.
So I opted to just not go because I didn’t want to sit there not eating and not having a good time while everyone else was. My husband asked me to go so he could celebrate with the people most important to him. I told him no again and that he needed to get going before he was late.
He did go but came back a little over an hour later with the kids and they all had to go boxes. He said he couldn’t think of what to tell the kids about why I didn’t go when they kept asking without lying or making me sound bad so he just got an order for them to go and let the kids spend some time with their grandparents talking in the parking lot.
I told him he should have stayed but he said that I put him in a bad spot with the kids and that I knew he wanted everyone there and that I should’ve just gotten over my picky eating for one night. I maintain if he really wanted us to all eat dinner as a family then he should’ve picked a restaurant with a more accommodating menu.
AITJ?
Update: I’ve apologized profusely to my husband and I am going to take him to that restaurant this weekend and buy him some camping gear he’s been eying as a start to making it up to him and changing course.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, selfish, and a poor partner.
Don’t lie. It wasn’t that there was nothing you could eat, there was nothing you WANTED. You also were too scared to ask the staff for a substitution. It’s one dinner. You won’t starve if you don’t eat everything on the plate, nor will it poison you.
Your husband doesn’t get to go to this restaurant he likes often because he is honoring your wishes most of the time, but you can’t deal with it for him one time.
You basically told your family ‘My food preferences are more important than your feelings or supporting you’.
THEN you left your husband in the awkward spot of having to try and lie for you. Because if he told everyone the real reason you missed the dinner they would be calling you a jerk.
Apologize. And learn that sometimes you don’t get everything exactly how you want it.” TendoninBOB
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This dinner was not about you. You didn’t want to be ‘difficult’ to the kitchen staff by asking for a reasonable accommodation or add a step to your routine by eating before and enjoying a salad or dessert with them. You are incredibly selfish.
You should have suggested his favorite restaurant to congratulate him for working hard to provide for his family! You don’t deserve him. Apologize, take him out to that restaurant, and thank him for being such a good husband; while he is still willing to be one to you.” Pair_of_Pearls
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – sometimes when it is something really important to our spouse, we suck it up. The kitchen staff at restaurants are usually very flexible with ingredients they already have and items that are not precooked in the sauce. So, yes, it would not have been any problem at all for the kitchen staff, they actually would prefer a customer to be happy if they can accommodate.
It doesn’t cost anything to ask. If they can do it they will, if they can’t, they will try to figure out another option.
You were angry that he didn’t pick a restaurant that had something you liked. It was his promotion and he wanted his favorite meal. This is where you suck it up and go to celebrate his accomplishments.
And when it’s your birthday or your accomplishment, you remind him that it is his turn to suck it up for you.
You sent your kids a terrible message. If I don’t get what I want, I will refuse to play.” Buttercup303
12. AITJ For Scolding My Sister In Front Of Everyone?
“I (29F) and my husband (36M) went to visit both our parents. They live 8 hours away from us by flight and it was expensive but we do it because holidays mean a lot and also to see my niece Rhu (5F).
She is my world and I love her to death.
For this vacation, her mom, my sister Mila (29F) was missing most of our family gatherings and was spending time with her partner and doing part-time. We have a good relationship but was really worried that Rhu doesn’t get time with her mom and angry that she just leaves her with all of us.
She leaves in the morning and comes late. Apparently, this has been going on for months.
For a brief context, she is separated from BIL and she wants a divorce and he wants to try. But she came back home because they were not compatible and it was messy.
So since she is a single mother I send her allowances for her and Rhu and also for other housing expenses directly to her so she can give our parents Rent and focus on Rhu and have a smooth divorce. I send her a total of 10K and my fun money account which she has access to and uses.
She sees a therapist and I get charged for this as well.
Additionally, my husband pays for her divorce lawyers. We both work hard and are not rich but we are good enough. I know it’s not easy what she is going through and have never questioned her when there are withdrawals.
But this holiday I was so mad at how she is and who she is turning into. According to mum, Rhu is missing her mum and has withdrawn so much. She has not been giving them rent, and not helping around the house, and doesn’t even take care of Rhu.
Mom works and dad looks after Rhu until mom comes. They are also old and cannot really actively interact with her. My mum was upset at me for not helping Mila out financially as they are also struggling with 4 mouths to feed. I have never been angry as I was then.
I observed her for a week and the second week I confronted her privately. She said being a single mum is hard and she is de-stressing. I called it nonsense and told her what she has been doing with the money, but I’m glad she is working part-time, but what is she doing with Rhu when she is comfortable and even angrier that none of the money I give is going towards Rhu or helping with her?
She stormed out of the room and said I am ruining the holidays and being judgemental and she is going through so much. I told her how dare she say that after I give her everything even when I don’t have money left to buy new clothes for Christmas because I thought it was worth it, and if she doesn’t stop and focus on Rhu then the money stops.
I was so mad I forgot everyone could hear us.
All our parents heard it. I felt so awful for exposing all this but I was so mad. She called me a jerk and so did my brother saying I should have picked a different time.
Now that I am calm I feel I am a jerk for exposing her like that. Vacation has been awkward since.
Update: My family and Mila and BIL are meeting today for dinner and a discussion afterward. I have asked Mila to speak to me before BIL comes so she has a chance, to tell the truth.
Waiting for her to come at the moment.
Regardless of whether I am a jerk or NTJ, I reinforced her behavior without actually finding out what was going on. I gave her access because we are close and she is my blood, and I had no reason to doubt her until all of this came to light.
Maybe I was manipulated all along and saw a different side to her or more likely she is spiraling after the divorce/separation. This also has not been confirmed and I am this close to losing my mind too.
Update 2: My sister and I are non-identical twins, she had the beauty I had the brains but we grew up equal and loved each other and were loved very much.
But I was always the responsible one and due to my being more academic, I was able to get a good job and do my master’s. During this same period, (5 yrs ago) my sister got married and had Rhu, but because I was busy with clinical placements and thesis I couldn’t spend much time with her (hence my guilt) or visit.
She used to say that her husband was mentally abusive and possessive and restricted her from going out and having fun and it was easier for me to suggest marriage counseling for them and over time both of them said they are getting better but she wasn’t as happy being married. She had a fantasy in her head about marriage and kids and it wasn’t as easy.
So she turned to different coping mechanisms like clubbing and overspending which we didn’t know and her soon-to-be ex didn’t tell us. My reasons were I choose the easier path because I was also trying to cope with my not having kids yet (we are trying) and my thesis and working hours (clinical psychologist) were all overwhelming.
I believe she knew exactly what she was doing and manipulated us all by showing compliance and then when she had her chance she left her husband.
What actually happened was, she had been overspending and BIL had to pick up the slack at home and the part-time nanny (F47) became a full-time housekeeper.
Her daughter (F25) used to come to babysit Rhu and they bonded fast and so did BIL with Rhu but he maintained his distance from the new sitter. Mila grew to resent that Rhu wasn’t as clingy with her as before and started to distance herself even more.
And then started coming home late. Marriage counseling had stopped by this time due to both BIL and sis not having time. And BIL had seen flirting messages from a guy on Mila’s Snapchat and he told her to leave home. She did but with Mila, while he was at work.
She had also left him a message saying she knows about him and the sitter and will let it all come out soon.
BIL decided that he didn’t want to continue the marriage and spoke to lawyers and while they were preparing the documents she was with my parents.
He used to meet her outside every weekend when Mila dropped her at the park and picked her up in the evening, but she wanted to show us all that he never cared so didn’t mention these and told Rhu not to say a word (Rhu confirmed).
Anyway, court dates have been given and we are discussing custody and visitation between our lawyers and Mila broke down and said she needs help. She will be going to do intense therapy with a colleague I recommended and then BIL says we can discuss partial custody.
I, in the meantime, am seeing my therapist as well. I have also agreed with my sister that she will not be receiving an allowance, she has applied for a part-time job now and be contributing to the rent. I however will be sending my parents an allowance because I want my mom to retire.
And for Mila, her dad will be taking care of her expenses. BIL is also going to sponsor Mila’s therapy sessions since he believes and feels he had a part to play in her spiraling as well. But they both agreed to divorce since it was toxic.
I still believe Mila can work it out after she does some therapy, but that is my opinion and I am going to see how she changes.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Situations like these are better off aired. It’s not uncommon for some family members to easily become comfortable and entitled. She needs to be uncomfortable doing the right thing for her child right now so it’s best to keep communicating with all parties and restructure your support so that she can’t waste any more of your money or redirect funds away from your parents.
It’s not nice to be tangled up in family finances and then be made to feel like a terrible person for having boundaries but those boundaries are important to have so that’s with them to deal with their feelings around that.” boomdidiboomboom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I would talk to your parents and sister, stop paying her rent and I would continue paying for her therapy but ensure that she is following up with treatment Unfortunately her behavior has clearly been enabled by this, you should cut her from your fun money and decrease her ‘allowance’ of 10k ON TOP of what else you cover for her is ridiculous not being able to save any of it for her daughter’s needs.
I would also get your niece into therapy if she isn’t this is probably hard for her, both of her parents separated and the one she’s with isn’t even around.
As for any extra money put it into a savings account under either you and your niece or your grandparents and your niece, just a way so that your niece’s money is ultimately able to go to her, she has a fund for future needs car, school, house/apt, and so that it’s ensured your parents are getting rent.
She has shown she cannot be financially responsible or genuinely responsible for her child.” Away_Honeydew3476
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Clearly, therapy isn’t working or she’s lying to the therapist. Your sister is using you, your husband, and your parents. She’s neglecting her child and using YOUR money to have fun with her partner while your parents struggle.
You enabled this behavior by never questioning and just blindly having faith. I feel like there is so much about the divorce she isn’t telling you. Maybe she was like this with her husband and was just good at hiding it from all of you.
Maybe she’s doing illegal stuff. Either way, she’s taken advantage of the trust everyone had in her. She lied to your parents which lead to them complaining at you for not helping, while you were sending money this entire time.
Stop giving her access to your money and start sending it to your parents instead, she forfeited the right to your funds when she started lying and she took money under false pretenses.
She’s being cagey about where all that money went if not paying rent and essentials. So that screams addiction to me. OP please be careful, clearly, she is very unstable right now.” AirAggravating8714
11. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go On A Trip With My Sisters And Their Kids?
“For my parents’ anniversary, my 2 sisters want to gift them a trip with the whole family.
I told them I’d be happy to help pay for my parents’ stay but my partner and I would rather not spend a whole weekend in a hotel or cabin full of children. (My sisters each have 2 kids, 2 of which are still very young.)
One sister was fine with that but the other per se wanted everyone together and asked for other suggestions.
We then came up with the idea to go to an amusement park, which I happily agreed to, but then they suggested spending 2-3 days there. I replied that I’d rather not since it would mean spending a whole weekend with a bunch of kids just like the previous idea.
She got annoyed and said nevermind.
So now I’m left wondering if it’s selfish of me to not just grit my teeth and get through the incessant bickering, crying, yelling, and running for 3 days until it’s over because it would make my parents happy. We’re just exhausted after every family gathering and those are just for one day.
We chose to not have children because we want to be able to go on stress-free holidays, and so we really don’t want to spend our holidays with other people’s children.
Are we the jerks?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re not jerks for not wanting to go on a holiday with little kids.
But your sister is also not the jerk for being upset that not every one of the family can be together.
You can absolutely say no. But just going one day and one night be an option if you can also do your own thing?
Or arrange that you and your partner can do multiple things without the rest of the family too. So you don’t have kids around you all the time. (It’s what I, also childfree, would want if my brother would suggest something similar, but again. You don’t have to go of course!)” Mau36
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If the gift is for your parents and what they would want is their whole family together, why should your vacation desires matter? I understand not liking kids but they’re your family… It’d be kind of messed up to say that about an adult.
‘They’re always talking to me and looking for my attention, it’s so annoying. I’d skip a vacation if they’re going.’
I don’t know, sometimes I think it’s ok to just be a little irritated for a few days to support your loved ones. If your sisters unfairly dropped child care on you I’d be on your side, but if they’re responsible parents, why shouldn’t your family all get to spend time together?
Seems selfish to me.” scrollgirl24
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, no jerks here. You are totally okay to decline for whatever reason, and yes it does sound like having that many young kids around might be a bit overwhelming.
However, your family is also right to be annoyed as, of course, it’s an annoying thing to happen when they want to do a family holiday.
I think the best way forward would be to compromise – and as they already gave another suggestion – don’t you think you might be able to suck it up (for lack of better terminology lol) for one night and do a two-day-one-night thing and then dip early?” aitacheckingout
Another User Comments:
“Only a slight YTJ because it’s your parents’ gift, not a random family trip. It seems like your parents want to spend time with everyone together. Go to VRBO and find a big enough place where you can have some space away from the noise.
If you are all in different hotel rooms you have your space. You don’t have to attend each meal together.
They are your nieces and nephews, not random people’s children. I don’t imagine this to be an annual trip and it is just a weekend.
Then requesting you take a week off work I would answer differently. Driving a few hours to hang with family in a house seems a reasonable thing.” Mindthegaberwocky
10. AITJ For Not Paying Full Rent For The Time My Partner Was Away?
“My partner is struggling financially because she isn’t the best with her money and she’s only working two days. We’ve fought before because she asked to borrow money for her overseas holiday and I expressed to her that I felt frustrated that she would continue to spend her money on things that weren’t necessities such as clothes.
I told her that I would still lend her money but now that she’s asked me to pay the full rent for the three weeks she’s gone doesn’t seem fair to me when I don’t see her trying to save or be smart with her money.
AITJ?
Edit: I’ve lent her money a number of times and she has always paid it back so I’m confident that she will pay me back.
Edit 2: I know that I might be enabling her behavior but I think this arrangement is somewhat temporary.
She’ll be picking up four days next year and will be earning good money.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If she can’t afford to cover 3 weeks’ rent whilst she’s away she can’t afford the holiday.
You are under no obligation to pay it, But this should give you an insight into your future… if she’s already irresponsible with her finances and won’t get a full-time job or take on another part-time job to improve her situation then you have to accept this will most likely be an ongoing issue.
Just because you’re her partner doesn’t mean you should be bailing her out, especially if she’s not learning the lesson.
I think it’s time to accept this isn’t going to work.” ColdstreamCapple
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It actually doesn’t matter that she is picking up extra shifts after the 1st. This is a bigger issue.
Her expectations and priorities are really messed up. She actually thinks it’s ok to not pay rent and for you to cover her all the time. This attitude isn’t going to change, even if she has more money coming in.
She has been using you without any consideration.
That won’t change w/ money coming in. What is the plan to pay you back for her outstanding loans? What happens if the economy changes and she doesn’t get the extra shifts?
You need to think long and hard about how much you are willing to be taken advantage of and you need to base it on current attitudes.
It isn’t just that she doesn’t have a lot of income that is the problem. It is her priorities and attitude. Respect for you and paying her bills are not a priority.” Corpuscular_Ocelot
Another User Comments:
“I think both NTJ and ‘everyone sucks here’.
You’re NTJ for the rent dilemma. Your partner can’t afford to pay her share, so she shouldn’t be going on holiday. That’s the reality of adulthood.
I think ‘everyone sucks here’ comes into play because you’ve fought over money before, and you said, ‘she would continue to spend her money on things that weren’t necessities,’ – my guy, you’re enabling this behavior by lending her money.
Generosity and helping your partner are one thing, but taking the fall is another. It seems like she’s taking advantage of you. Let her learn the hard way and stop loaning her money (I doubt she’ll pay you back), or she’ll keep wasting money she doesn’t have.” eppydeservedbetter
9. AITJ For Ordering Another Wedding Cake?
“My SIL (husband’s sister) Meghan is getting married this spring and the whole family is really excited. I’m going to be a bridesmaid, my kids are at the wedding – It’s all good things, so please don’t get the idea that I plan to do this to sabotage her.
My husband’s parents are divorced and his dad is remarried to an awful woman, Mary. Mary has done nothing but treats his kids horribly. She has single-handedly ruined the relationship between my husband and his dad and ruined the co-parenting relationship between FIL and my husband’s mom.
She pushes his kids to the side because according to her, her kids are the only ones that matter. My husband and his siblings hate her.
I digress. FIL is paying for Meghan’s wedding and there were strings attached from the jump, one of them being that Mary makes the wedding cake.
She isn’t doing it for any reason other than to get compliments and be the star of someone else’s day. And her baking frankly, sucks. Everyone is dreading this cake, especially Meghan.
I talked this over with my husband’s mom and together we decided to order a second cake from a real professional bakery and have it delivered to the reception when the day comes.
We’re not planning on telling Meghan because we know she’ll tell us not to as it would annoy Mary and she and FIL May renege on the wedding. But what can they do if the cake just shows up at the wedding without anyone knowing?
Attaching strings to a promise is trashy in my opinion and I want my SIL to have a nice, real wedding cake on her big day. But this is a little devious I guess. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ only because the bride doesn’t know and the reason why you’re not telling her is that she would say no.
If the bride wouldn’t want it, don’t do it. And definitely don’t surprise her with it. Especially since this is only going to cause more drama once Mary and FIL find out about the cake.
I feel like a nicer gesture, with the bride involved, would be to make her or order a small personal-sized cake that she and her husband could have later where the FIL and Mary don’t need to know about it so that she still gets good cake on her wedding and no drama happens at the ceremony or reception.” PresentTiffany
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Don’t cause stress for the bride at her wedding. And that’s what you will be doing. Someone will have to answer for the random cake and that has the potential to cause a scene. And for Mary to not believe the bride didn’t know a thing.
And now the bride will sit there going which cake do I pick for the cake cutting? That’s so much stress.
Do a cake for the rehearsal or morning-after brunch or their 1st anniversary or whatever. Not at the wedding. You’ll just be dumping gasoline everywhere.” superfastmomma
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Don’t do anything behind the bride and groom’s backs. The potential for ruining the reception is high and evil stepmom may never believe the bride and groom had nothing to do with it and may demand their money back or pull some other nonsense.
Don’t use your SIL’s wedding to take a jab at Evil Stepmom either. Feel free to use your own even if you want, but don’t drag someone else’s even into your petty revenge game.
Your SIL made a deal to get the wedding paid for.
She had a choice. She could have paid for it herself. She agreed to the terms. Who cares if the cake tastes good? No one really.” Corpuscular_Ocelot
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. This is passive-aggressive pot stirring. You can say it’s to do something nice for your SIL but your main problem seems to be your MIL, not whether or not the cake is any good.
Worse, it’s causing drama with consequences – worsened long-term relationships and all the bills for the wedding aren’t often paid in full until after the wedding so they could refuse to give the SIL the money to pay and this could leave your SIL in real debt.
Buy a nice groom’s cake that is better than it might normally be so everyone has a good cake to eat but make sure it’s like a sheet cake version and not a replacement wedding cake.” suzi_generous
8. AITJ For Defending My Grandpa?
“My (23f) grandma passed away from stage 4 lung cancer in 2019. During the 2 weeks my grandma was in the hospital I stayed with my grandpa. He was weak from his chemo treatment so I wanted to help him out. Sadly on January 15th, my grandma passed away.
About a month later friends and family came together to celebrate her life. During that party, I started to hear a rumor that my grandpa is the reason she is dead. That he didn’t do enough to save her.
However, he did everything he could do to help her.
But that wasn’t enough for my family. They wanted nothing to do with my grandpa and caused him to have so much anxiety that he was scared to leave the house. I got tired of my family doing that to him so during a family party, I caused a pretty big scene.
I told them exactly what happened and how they are horrible people for trying to put blame on him by creating their own stories about what happened. Now my family thinks I’m in the wrong for going off and correcting them because that was their way of ‘grieving’ and that I need to apologize.
So AITJ for defending my grandpa?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. During stressful times it’s common for old resentments and insecurities to come out. It’s even happened in my family, who you’d normally think were wax figures because we’re not exactly an emotive bunch. But some families have this weird thing where, whenever something bad happens, they have to blame someone.
Really unfortunate that you’ve got these two dynamics feeding into one another here.” lepposplitthejooves
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and well done for standing up for your Grandpa. I understand the grieving process is usually intense but this is not a healthy outlet and your family is downright toxic for pinning the blame on him.
It’s not talked about enough that men, particularly older family men are expected to move mountains and be a rock rather than be vulnerable, to the point that not even suffering from Cancer and fighting a life-or-death battle himself was enough of a reason to give him a ‘pass’.
Has anyone actually asked HIM how he’s coping with the loss of his wife? The poor man has had trauma thrust upon him left and right, and on top of these horrible events, his own family is treating him like scum. Despicable people!” ThisGuuuy2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell them that making up stories to place blame on another person for the passing of someone is the opposite of grieving and just toxic and evil behavior and they can all get lost for an apology as that is about all they deserve in that regard.
If anything they feel guilt for not doing enough themselves and are attempting to redirect this over to someone else not deserving of it.” tharpenau
7. AITJ For Forcing My Parents To Choose Between Two Options That They Hate?
“I (F38) have recently gotten a not-great medical diagnosis and prognosis.
I am at peace with it.
So I have sat down with my husband and figured out my will. Obviously, he will be receiving most of the estate. He has to take care of himself and our kids. He and I both have decent if not spectacular careers and he likes his work.
My oldest brother is a gigantic jerk. He is an addict and my parents have wasted their lives trying to help him. They spent so much of their time and money on him that they had very little for my sister or me. I don’t hold this against them.
I love my kids and I can understand the urge to help them with their problems.
The real issue is that my brother has abandoned my nieces with my parents. I tried to get custody of them but I am not a member of their church and my parents cut me off when I left home to get a college education instead of staying home and helping them like a good daughter should.
Their congregation helped them hire a lawyer to keep the girls away from me. But strangely enough, after the girls were out of my reach they stopped getting any financial support.
So on my will, I am leaving my niece’s money. Not for them to spend however they want.
It is only to go to pay for their post-secondary education. If it isn’t used for that by the time they are 25 it will be donated to a charity that my parents hate. It advocates for women and reproductive rights.
I sent my parents a copy of my will so they knew what was coming.
They are the kind of people who would take out a loan counting on money from my passing to bail them out.
They are calling me a jerk for not giving them the money to take care of my nieces. They are complaining because they are going into debt to take care of the girls.
I offered again to take custody of my husband. If I can have them for two years I know I can get them on a path away from that church.
My parents won’t relent and are saying that they will challenge my will if I leave it like this.
Good luck. My lawyer is confident that I have protected the money.
I just heard from my brother. He is calling me a jerk for depriving his kids of help and forcing my parents into a terrible position. I asked him when the last time he sent them money to help with his kids was.
He yelled obscenities and hung up.
My husband supports my decision. But a lot of my family is calling me and asking me to help my parents with no strings attached.
AITJ?
EDIT: I love and trust my husband and his love for our children.
We do however have education and savings accounts set aside for them that is only available to them when they are of age. We decided that before we got married.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re not depriving your nieces of help. You’re depriving your parents of a handout they haven’t earned.
You offered to help. They didn’t want your help in the form you were willing to provide it. Their bad.
Remind everyone who contacts you that your parents attached strings to your life and were more than happy to cut you off when you veered from the path they’d chosen for you.
Ironic of your brother to call you a jerk. What’s he contributing toward raising HIS OWN CHILDREN?
(Also, I’m sorry about your prognosis and glad you are at peace with it. You should be at peace with this decision, too. Wishing you all the best.)” embopbopbopdoowop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but gosh your family sounds like jerks.
They have cut you off because of a disagreement about religion… OP you are unwell and are trying your best to organize for the future. You seem kind and thoughtful
You have offered to adopt and support your nieces.
They have chosen to adopt them and are upset about their financial responsibilities. You owe them nothing.
You guys seem so generous.
Stop stressing about your entitled family members, finish organizing your estate and enjoy your precious time with your husband and children. You don’t owe it to your family to make them feel better about their crappy decisions in life, they should be supporting you given your diagnosis.” mmk1357
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m so truly sorry for what you are going through, and I’m hoping you miraculously manage to get through this and recover, whatever your prognosis may be.
You’re doing the right thing, and you know this. Ensuring your nieces a decent education and a better future is the absolute best thing you can do for them.
And you know that giving your parents money is a terrible idea, it will most likely be wasted. They refuse custody or for you to even SEE your nieces?! Then covering their basic living costs is on them. End of story. They’re horrible people, and you clearly care about what is best for your nieces, and it shows.
As long as you’re covered legally, which it sounds like you are, then I think it may be time to just go with no contact with your parents and brother. The last thing you need to do is deal with their nonsense. Take care of yourself and focus on your own family now.” Tricky-Flamingo-7491
6. AITJ For Using The Handicapped Bathroom Stall?
“I (27F) had bunion surgery a week ago and have a hard time getting around right now.
I’m using crutches and have finally gotten the hang of them. My mom took me to an appointment a few days ago to check on the healing progression. Now for more information, this doctor’s office is like an hour away from where I live so on the way back I had to use the bathroom.
It was lunchtime so my mom pulled into a McDonald’s so we could get a cheap lunch and I could go to the bathroom.
Another thing to note: I have a hard time getting up from the toilet with the heavy cast and the crutches.
As I was in the stall I heard someone come in the bathroom and huff that the handicapped stall was in use. I felt bad so I tried to hurry up the best I could. It took me longer than expected because again I was having issues getting up and had to use the bar on the side.
Well, when I finally got out of the stall this woman started screaming at me that her child who was in a wheelchair really needed that bathroom and that I was selfish for using it. She proceeded to yell at me the entire time I was trying to wash my hands (I was holding back tears because I don’t like people yelling at me) I feel bad because her child was in a wheelchair but I still feel like I’m covered and not the jerk.
Maybe I’m wrong? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First off, bathroom stalls are for anybody to use. First come first served. Now if you are able-bodied, you should use another stall first if one is available obviously. But to say you can’t use it on the CHANCE somebody else who might need it comes in is crazy.
I could use the same argument for regular stalls as well. Somebody else who can use it might come in, so it shouldn’t be used.
Secondly, you had a CAST and CRUTCHES! Umm yeah, you definitely qualify to use the handicapped stall. Lady and her child have to wait in line like anyone else when a stall is in use.” MogwaiChampion
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ. You ARE handicapped right now even if it’s ‘only’ temporary. This woman tried to start trouble even before she knew you weren’t in a wheelchair, I bet if you actually were she still had screamed at you. To all of you: Don’t call someone out that they used a handicapped washroom, parking lot, etc. just because you don’t see any reasons why they use it (parking lots are a bit different, but I think you get the general idea).
Some handicaps aren’t visible but are still severe enough to use special benefits.” blueeyed94
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, those are made for those with mobility issues like you have after surgery or elderly not exclusively for wheelchair users. Plus even an abled body can use it, when you gotta go you gotta go and maybe when you enter it’s the only stall open, I wouldn’t use it if I am able and other stalls are open.
But As long as you don’t laggy gag and take too long and be considerate of others waiting when using any public restroom it’s ok, it’s public everyone can use or at least those who are customers of the place can use.” User
5. AITJ For Refusing To Move Back Home?
“I (35f) have finally gotten myself and my kids out of a bad marriage/relationship and tragedy has struck several times since then.
I mean four family losses, horrible accidents of family members, and just recently my brother has been told he has stage three kidney failure.
A little backstory: I have always been the outcast until someone in the family needs something then it’s as if we have been on speaking terms all the while.
I moved away to have my family at peace but again being in a really bad relationship made that hard until now. After finding out about my brother my mother is asking me to move back to my hometown to be closer to family. I told her no because honestly, I feel like it’s because I’m needed to help financially in some kind of way or to take my brother to appointments.
I don’t want to. I may be the jerk for not wanting to help but I have dug myself out of a hole and I refuse to willingly jump into a new one. So am I really the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sounds like they want you to be a carer for your brother, or even that your mum is lining you up to be the replacement child if your brother sadly goes and she’s left on her own.
Stay away for your own sake.
Your mum can hire a carer for your brother, and he might be able to claim some kind of disability benefits that could help with finances. But this really isn’t your problem, and as you say, it won’t benefit you to jump into another hole after you did so much to get out of one.” Fearless-Golf-8496
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If you can survive where you and your family are, then stay. There is no need to put yourself into more family drama and set yourself to be used as an ATM.
There are also your children to consider. Their family has just been torn apart.
Even if it was their secret wish for the marriage to end (been there personally), their lives are changing drastically. New home, new family dynamic, possibly new schools.
Just tell your mom that your children need the stability of being in a familiar locale and hopefully that will cut some of the hassles.
Congratulations on escaping and good luck on this new chapter.” Odd-End-1405
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your and your kids’ mental and physical well-being is more important right now. After a while bending over backward for a family who only talks to you when they need help, becomes so draining.
I get that it’s family but right now it’s about you and the kids. Hope everything settles down for you.” Tippy_Tay95
Research is your friend here. When they start guilting you, give them the basic facts and point them on the direction of credible resource materials. If you really want to drive your point home, also give them facts and evidence regarding how being outcasted by family can cause long-reaching effects in life. Staying away might be best for your health.
4. AITJ For Causing A Family Rift Because I Don't Want To Sleep Outside?
“I (18f) am the youngest out of four kids. My siblings are 31m, 28f, and 25m.
We were raised by our dad and stepmom, and our bio mom lives in another country with her husband.
She wants me and my siblings to spend Christmas with her this year and has offered to pay for our transport and visas.
My siblings are all married and have kids and are gonna bring their spouses and kids with them. Our mom’s house is quite big and she said she’ll spread out air mattresses in the living room and there’s a guest room.
She didn’t say anything specifically to me about where I’d be sleeping so I assumed I’d be sleeping on one of the air mattresses.
Well, one of my brothers told me that my mom expects me to sleep in a tent outside. I honestly thought he was messing with me but when I asked my mom about it it turns out she did.
The conversation wasn’t in English but it basically went like this:
Me: (brother’s name) said that you expect me to sleep outside in a tent? Is this true?
Mom: yeah, I thought you would be fine with having your own tent.
Me: why didn’t you talk to me about it?
Mom: I didn’t think it would be a problem. Is it a problem?
Me: it is, I don’t want to sleep outside.
Mom: I don’t know what you want me to do, there are too many of you.
Me: can I sleep on the couch?
Mom: no, (husband’s name) likes to watch TV late, you’ll be a nuisance.
Me: I don’t know then, but I’m not sleeping outside. I’d rather not go.
My mom told all my siblings about the conversation and now they’re all mad at me and told me to suck it up and go.
They said I’m being selfish and making a fuss about nothing, and that I can’t expect any of them to sleep outside with their spouses or kids.
I told my dad about it and he’s now royally annoyed with my mom and said that she’s being ‘a mega witch’ and alienating me on purpose and they had a huge argument on the phone.
My siblings are all mad at me for causing this.
Edit: my mom lives in Western Europe, so it will be very cold there and most likely snow as well.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your mother is extremely rude.
No one should have to go winter camping if they don’t want to.
Do they even have proper winter sleeping bags and winter sleeping pads for you? The standard summer gear will certainly not be enough.
If anyone should sleep in a tent in the snow, it should be one of the families. The kids would LOVE it, it would be an adventure for them.
And their parents would have to buy proper winter gear for them, they would not be cold.
Suggestion: kill them with kindness. Tell your nieces and nephews that they will have a winter adventure on Christmas! They will go to grandma’s, and get to sleep in a tent!
In the snow! With their parents! It will be so exciting! They will get extra presents, and hot cocoa under the stars!
When the kids are all excited about this, call your mum, and tell her you solved the problem.” JaguarZealousideal55
Another User Comments:
“Your mother called you a ‘would be a nuisance’ and decided that she’d rather make you uncomfortable than make her husband uncomfortable.
Why can’t the husband spend a few days without late-night television instead of you spending nights outside while everybody else is inside, like an outside dog? Your siblings decided that it was best to make you uncomfortable because you were single and childless.
They created the situation by devaluing your comfort on the basis of your marital status.
Had you been older, married, and with kids, better planning would have happened.
If they had more respect for people regardless of whether or not they made babies yet, this would not have happened. They all suck.
NTJ.” ChibiSailorMercury
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. How that many people (your siblings, mom, and stepdad) all think it’s acceptable to single out one person to sleep outside in a tent is beyond me.
Not even one reasonable person among them!
Also, your siblings are all hypocrites by saying you are selfish and making a fuss about nothing, but then they say you can’t expect them to sleep outside with their spouse and kids. How can they rationalize a different standard for you?
And your stepdad, geez what a selfish jerk. His late night tv watching is more important THAN A HUMAN BEING sleeping inside?
Spend Christmas with your Dad and stepmom who value you!” Few-Web3214
3. AITJ For "Making A Scene" At The Restaurant?
“I took my mom Christmas shopping today. We had a great morning and I decided to treat him to lunch. I knew a restaurant that my husband loves was close by so we headed over there.
When we to there however they asked if we had reservations.
For lunch. Because new didn’t. So the hostess said sorry but they could not seat us.
I have no idea what the problem was and my mom started trying to pull me away saying that we could go somewhere else. I pulled up a reservation app on my phone.
They had a reservation available in fifteen minutes. I booked it. Then I told my mom that we could sit in the lounge for a drink and a rest and we would go for lunch afterward.
So we had a little break. Enjoyed a nice afternoon drink and when we were done we went back to the hostess stand.
She gave me the side eye and I said we had a reservation.
We got sat and I enjoyed my lunch. My mom seemed to enjoy the meal but she kept looking at the hostess every time she sat someone.
I made sure to tip well and asked the water if their restaurant had a reservation-only policy.
He said they didn’t.
On the way out I thanked the hostess for doing such a great job. My mom just shuffled away.
The only thing I can think of is that my mom wasn’t dressed up or anything and it was a very nice restaurant.
But I saw people in their jeans and ball caps.
My mom says that I should not have done it and that she was embarrassed the whole time.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Nope. You did not make a scene. A good host/hostess would have informed you that you could have a seat in 15 minutes.
This is how it’s always worked when I turn up at restaurants without a reservation. They tell me the next available slot (if there is any). And no, my outfit doesn’t scream ‘Money’.
I understand, however, that your mother may have felt incredibly awkward and embarrassed. Any type of social anxiety or feeling you’re not good enough for a social setting can kick in with the situation you’ve described. Whilst you executed some excellent malicious compliance, your mother might have felt like she tricked he’d way in and was subsequently judged. I’d honestly say ‘no jerks here’ except for the restaurant/hostess.
You played their game perfectly, but your mother might have felt somehow lesser than and that may have upset her.” ChipmunkLogical8108
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You didn’t do anything wrong by making a reservation or asking the waiter about the policy, but let’s not pretend you weren’t trying to get back at the hostess for having you wait 20 minutes, something that people do every single day.
Especially since you made a passive-aggressive comment when you left.
Have you considered that the hostess might have just made an honest mistake? Maybe she was new and didn’t know the policy. Maybe they didn’t have room for a walk-in at that moment and she just didn’t communicate it properly.
Also, other than giving you a ‘side-eye’ (which, what does that even mean? Is it possible that you just misread her expression?) it seems like she didn’t make any indication that you and your mom didn’t belong there.
As for your mom, clearly, there’s something else going on that runs deeper than needing a reservation at a restaurant.
That’s not necessarily your responsibility, but like… read the room. She didn’t want you to push it. She wanted to go somewhere else, and instead of listening to her, you decided to double down.
But really, both you and your mom are taking this way too seriously and consider yourself lucky that the pressing matter over which you have to consult the people of the internet is something as trivial as waiting 20 minutes to eat at a fancy restaurant.” petitsoleil131
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Leave a good review explaining how you almost couldn’t eat there due to the exclusive reservations-only policy but that a quick look allowed you to make a reservation and after that, the hostess (use her actual name if you have it) could seat you and your mother for a nice lunch.
Make a big deal about trying to help anyone trying to go there about the reservations-only policy you were told about by the hostess and leave a good review.
If the owners review it which they may or may not, they will see it and may reach out.
Or they may talk to her about it directly. If they don’t do anything about it it may cost them business from people who don’t want to deal with it.” M_Viv_Van_Buren
2. AITJ For Nor Bringing Christmas Gifts For My Friend's Kids?
“So every year since my friend had her first kid I’ve been spending the 24th and 25th morning with them since my family doesn’t do Christmas. I usually go all out and get the kids a few good presents that put a big smile on their faces as I am able to afford them.
However, this year circumstances have changed. I am flying away on a holiday over the Christmas period and won’t be back after New Year. (Tickets were bought all in advance, staying with family so won’t need to worry about spending money too much as we are visiting grandparents) Now I’ve also recently found out I’m pregnant and unfortunately been off work sick as I become severely ill which affected my paychecks meaning im barely gotten by for the last 2 months.
Im barely able to pay all my bills and feed myself. My partner works as well but he puts even more into bills, I’ve recently got back into work but before I have a good paycheck again it will be the end of January.
Now I mentioned to my friend that I won’t be there for Christmas this year as I’m going away.
But last week she send me a gift list of what her kids want (she is a single mum so I guess getting all those fancy presents through the years was a big help to her) and it ain’t a cheap one. I originally was going to drop off 2 small hampers filled with sweets for them so they still get something.
But now I feel bad and don’t know how to tell her that I just can’t afford all those gifts.
Her younger one’s birthday is in January as well and I’m invited to the birthday party so I will need to bring a present as well.
I just don’t really know what to do to not sound like a jerk.
Edit to add some info: She is aware I’ve been off sick from work and that I’m pregnant.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
How old are the kids? The younger they are the less expectation they have of expensive presents but I suspect you’ve been doing this for a few years so the kids know what they want… esp with the list you’ve been given.
You need to tell your friend as soon as possible that you are short on funds and will not be in a position to be able to afford the presents on the list. She knows where you are up to in life and isn’t taking that into consideration.
She may think you have a large savings account which is where the money could come from to fund her kids’ presents.
She needs to know that you don’t have the money but I would still get the kids some cheap but memorable gifts. Maybe a book, a nice t-shirt, and some lollies.
If your friend throws a hissy fit and tries to make you feel guilty you’ll know where you stand. Your friend will be feeling guilty that she’ll be letting her kids down because she can’t use your money to make sure they get the presents that they want.
Frankly, that’s not your problem. You need to look after yourself and this is the priority and so is the baby you are carrying. It’s not fair you are without heat because you can’t afford it because you have used that money for someone else’s children.” KitchenDismal9258
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I would talk to her, not just about the inability for this year, but that you now have your own growing family, and as she clearly knows how expensive kids are, she will understand that you will no longer be able to provide Christmas presents for her kids (other than a small toy or 2).
She knows you’re out of work and pregnant yourself and still expects you to drop a bunch of money on her kids? Seems pretty entitled, to be honest.
Y’all are living close to paycheck to paycheck with a little one on the way. There’s no reason you should have to be pressured into buying her kids presents when you need to focus on getting into a stable position of your own.
Has she been supportive? Has she been a good friend to you otherwise? Or does she see your involvement in her life as a ‘present buyer’?” agarrabrant
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While she knows you’re pregnant and has been out of work just tell her that while you love the kids and her that you just can’t afford the list this year.
It may not just have clicked in her mind that your being out of work has money so tight right now. Maybe offer to watch them for a few hours while she needs time for herself or to even run errands child-free for once. While you are babysitting use that time to help them make her a Xmas present for them to give to her.
Her reaction will let you know how much of a friend she really is.” ScubaLance
1. AITJ For Going Against My Daughter's Mom's Wishes?
“My ex is obsessed with keeping a good appearance. Our daughter Lauren (F14) hates it.
Lauren has long curly hair that neither of us knows how to take care of. Lauren doesn’t even care enough to learn.
My ex insists that she needs to keep it long (because it’s beautiful) and straighten it (because we don’t know how to look after curly hair) she also insists that our daughter use a little makeup which Lauren doesn’t like because she thinks it takes a long time and she is not patient enough to sit still and do makeup.
My ex is also always buying her nice dresses but Lauren hates dresses and thinks they are not comfortable.
A few days ago she came home from her mom’s and her hair was straightened. She also had a bag full of new clothes and different make-up for Christmas.
She looked miserable. I told her to get in the car. I asked her if she wants to donate the clothes and makeup and she said yes. I drove to a nearby place that I know gives this stuff to people who need them. Then we went to a mall and bought some clothes that she likes (mostly from the boy part of the shop).
Then we got her a very short haircut and colored her hair blue per her request. We also got her another piercing in her ears. Yesterday my ex came to see her at my home and she freaked out. She started yelling at me and saying I had no right to do all of these without her permission.
She said that Lauren looks terrible (I admit that used to look better but she likes this more) and said it’s my fault and I should have stopped her.
(My daughter is white, not black and she is not trans, NB…)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The daughter was being made to wear clothes she didn’t like, forced to put on makeup, and have her hair straightened in a grueling long process on a regular basis. Drastic times call for drastic measures. Getting rid of the clothes and makeup, rather than returning to the other parent, was needed to prevent the daughter from being subjected to having her bodily autonomy removed, the same thing with the hair.
The daughter is not a doll to play dress up with, which is what her mother was doing. The people talking about the other parent’s consent are ridiculous. The same parent who routinely took away her daughter’s autonomy and violated her daughter’s consent constantly.
The daughter can make her own decisions on how she decides to look and wear and have done to her body. That is the daughter’s choice and consent.
Oh and the two-yes thing does not apply in this type of situation, taking away autonomy like that IS wrong, it only applies to healthy dynamics, not this nonsense.
It is not inconsistently, it is nuanced and anyone who can’t understand that needs better comprehension skills.” Automatic_Surprise14
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – you and mom need to figure out how to work out this drama without putting your daughter in the middle.
The wrath of her mom is going to be awful on her parenting time.
Mom needs to let go of her vision of what she wants her daughter to look like. Sounds like she wants a Barbie, not a daughter.
You need to parent in a way that’s not spiteful to your ex.
You had no right to donate items you didn’t purchase. They should have been returned to mom. This could actually get you in trouble at court, should it come to that.
You also had no right to get the piercing on your minor child without a conversation with the mom.
Unless you have full legal custody, you must talk with mom about medical decisions. And a piercing falls in that category.
I will applaud you for being there for your daughter and giving her space to be herself, however, the way you went about it was awful.
This teeters on parent alienation, but only because you handled it so poorly.” Gregor1694
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your daughter is not her mother’s doll. She is plenty old enough to make decisions about her own hair, clothes, and make-up. I will suggest that she learn to care for her curly hair.
She will love it so much more if she knows how to take care of it. The curly girl method is a wonderful way to care for curls and there are books and social media groups, etc that can teach her. My mom also had no idea how to care for my curly hair so I only learned to blow it out and I always hated my hair.
It wasn’t until I was in my 40s that I actually learned how to care for it and it looks better now than it ever has in my life.” Iamgoaliemom
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your ex is clearly a control freak and she shouldn’t decide everything in your daughter’s life.
Your daughter is her own person, she should decide what she wears, not your ex. So the ex is very much the biggest jerk.
On the other hand, both of you are her parents and even if she doesn’t communicate with you the decisions she’s making regarding what she’s buying your daughter, you shouldn’t do the same.
What you did was a cool father move and I’m glad that your daughter likes the new change, but you and your ex need to meet halfway somehow, for your daughter’s sake.” Lazy-Nectarine21
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