People Are Eager To Tell Their Sentiments About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
20. AITJ For Not Allowing My Son's Stepdad To Drive His Car?
“I share custody of my son Andy (M16) with his mother Eliza. Eliza is married to Scott, who had 3 kids and they have had 3 more together – so a total of 6 kids (7 the weeks Andy is with them).
Eliza and I (and Scott – who won’t stay out of it) have constant conflict over Andy. I have a good job with a high salary at my family’s company. Eliza and Scott do not make a lot of money.
To be honest – I have no idea how they make it on what they earn with such a large family, but as long as Andy is taken care of I know it’s not my business.
We ended up in court over whether Andy was to attend private school and I won, but in addition to paying for the school, I also had to be the one to provide transportation to and from school.
So I was relieved when Andy became old enough to drive and helped him get his license as soon as he could. I bought him a car – a 2021 Mazda SUV.
I am aware that a 16-year-old does not need a new car but it had one of the highest safety ratings around and, quite frankly, I can afford it. Eliza and Scott told me I was being a pretentious jerk.
I paid for the car and it is in my name until Andy turns 18. I also pay for the upkeep of the car and insurance. Andy pays for gas. Neither Eliza nor Scott pays a dime toward the car.
Last week Andy was on spring break so he wasn’t in school. He called me to ask if I could bring over some model paints he had left at my house.
I asked him why he didn’t drive over and get them and learned that he was being punished and not allowed to drive. I drove over to drop off the supplies and when I get there his car wasn’t in its usual spot.
I asked Andy where his car was and was told that Scott had driven it to work. I told Andy that he wasn’t allowed to have anyone else drive the car, but Andy said that Scott didn’t ask – he just took the keys.
I was not a happy camper.
When I bought the car for Andy, I had a conversation with Scott/Eliza that no one besides Andy was to drive the car. Eliza told me that their car wasn’t working and I replied that they are not to drive Andy’s car.
Eliza gave me her usual rolled eyes. The next day I purposefully drove by and saw the car was not in the driveway. I called Andy and asked him if Scott had taken the car again and he said yes.
I called Eliza and told her that she has 1 hour to get Andy’s car back in the driveway or I was calling the police and reporting it stolen.
She yelled at me but when she realized I wasn’t backing down called Scott to bring the car back.
He did – making it 10 minutes before I would have called the police – and he yelled at me about making him miss work and therefore lose pay. I told him I didn’t care and if I found out he had done it again I wouldn’t bother giving him a warning, I would just call the cops.
Both Eliza and Scott are furious with me and even Andy thinks I went too far. So I am here to get an unbiased opinion. AITJ?
Edit: A couple of things have come up in multiple comments.
First – Andy was being punished for not doing his chores when he was supposed to. That is legitimate and I have punished him for that as well. However, in the past, the punishment only lasts until the chores that weren’t done get finished.
This time the punishment went on for 3 days even though the chores were done on day 1. This is suspicious to me, but I have no proof that the punishment was longer because Scott wanted to drive the car.
Second, Andy likes going back and forth between his mom’s house and mine. As long as Andy is okay with how things are, I will not pursue sole custody.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Scott is NOT a registered driver on your insurance.
If he were to get into an accident (his fault or not doesn’t matter) then one, your insurance would skyrocket, two they could drop you from their policy for having an unregistered driver driving the car for a situation that was NOT an emergency (ie medical, etc and no time to call insurance companies, etc), and lastly they likely would NOT pay anything if a claim was made and the car would not be covered if it has to be totaled or wrote off.
He risked a TON to be petty and disrespectful of the rules and boundaries set.
He risked his family’s livelihood (you could sue him for damages to the car since he effectively stole the vehicle and if damaged that’s property damage) because he would not respect the boundaries and rules stated in regards to his STEPSON’S car.
Your ex-wife needs to understand that her husband could’ve royally screwed them up financially.
Furthermore, I suggest you put LoJack on the car it’s not super expensive but you can track the car whenever you want and you can see exactly where it is at all times.
There is a great app for it as well and both you and Andy can have the app at the same time. It works for him when he’s out at school or work or the mall etc cause it’ll tell him where he’s parked and overall just a nice little thing to have.
Not just because of them either, if someone actively steals it you can get the car back faster and hopefully in one piece.
And time to sit down with BOTH your ex-wife and her husband AND Andy and lay down the boundaries and rules plainly along with consequences if something is broken.
Make it where no one can say ‘I didn’t know’ about the rules. Make them straight to the point no finger pointing etc just straight to the point.
Good luck.” Alyssa_Hargreaves
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You handled this perfectly. As a step-parent myself I would never dream of taking my bonus kids’ car, at the very least I would ask and if it was a no then it’s a big no.
Just like with anything else we give them. How dare Scott act as if your son’s car is his. I would have a conversation with your ex and lay it out CRYSTAL CLEAR that you are NOT parenting with Scott anymore, he is not the father and does not get to make any demands or talk about your kid.
He is NEVER allowed to take your son’s car ever again and if he does threaten the police again and tell him he’s lucky he wasn’t arrested the first time for stealing.
I would threaten court as well to your ex, something along the lines of ‘if you can’t keep your husband in his lane and keep him out of OUR family issues, then we will go back to court and I will ask for full custody so that I no longer have to deal with your husband or you.’ Because her acting as if you bought her family a new car is outrageous.
Again this is just what I would do because holy cow!” One_Condition_7001
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s not their car and they don’t pay the insurance on it. You do. Until he’s 18, it’s your car that you allow your son to use.
Anyone else using it is just asking for a major legal and insurance issue.
I would send a text to reiterate your stance for documentation and, if this happens again, call the cops and consider pursuing full custody.
It’s not okay for Eliza and Scott to use the things you provide for your son to supplement their home/income. Your job is to provide for your son and yourself, not your ex and her family.
That’s their job. While it’s unfortunate that they’re struggling financially, there are plenty of legitimate ways they can go about getting help. Stealing your car isn’t one of them.
Your son is likely to be upset because he’s now having to deal with an unhappy home.
You need to speak to your son directly about that. ‘I understand that it’s probably uncomfortable at your mom’s now but that isn’t their car. It’s in my name with my insurance, which means that if anyone not on that insurance has an accident or causes damage, I am liable for that.
I’m willing to take that risk and responsibility for you but that’s it. Anything else is just me paying their bills and that’s not my responsibility.’
Edit to add: Showed this whole thing to my spouse whose question was, ‘Why didn’t they just make the punishment to drive his Step-Dad to and from work for the day?’ The answer is that they manufactured this situation to steal the car. This was not an accident.” KT_mama
19. AITJ For Not Going To My Ex-Brother-In-Law's Wedding?
“Even though my ex (24m) and I (26f) are divorced, it was a mutual thing (at the time no resentment just relief). I was still very active with his family and still am now.
I still talk with my ex-MIL weekly.
When his brother ‘Jack’ was getting married to ‘Susan’ I helped with the planning and went to the bridal shower. Helped them move. Generally just helping out when needed.
The groom is laid back go with the flow type of guy and well the bride was… is… I don’t want to say Karen but she will go off and will actively cut you out of her life for nonsense.
(I.e. ‘Jane’ found something funny and posted it to social media and when ‘Jane’ refused to cater to her tantrum over it and delete the post she cut ‘Jane’ out. Haven’t spoken since.)
So cue to less than a week before the wedding.
I’m told I’m uninvited from the wedding… I didn’t DO anything, but my ex-husband came back from working out of state and she wanted him there (ok understandable brother of groom trumps ex-wife) but she didn’t even see if we could communicate well.
Just nope I’m uninvited cause ‘drama could happen.’ I just shrugged and said ok. No fights or why not!
Now the morning of the wedding she is getting ready and I’m helping (note my daughter is one of the only two children allowed to attend) and she is demanding to know why I’m not getting ready.
Uhm I got uninvited?
She claims she didn’t know we could get along (remember amicable divorce no fights or lawyers) and I was reinvited just then… when I said no, I was uninvited by you.
I’m not going. She started throwing a fit saying I was a jerk for not attending.
Am I the jerk for refusing to go?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She wants free help. I don’t know why you’re helping out someone who uninvited you from their wedding, but hey you’re a better person than I am because I would’ve just left.
Now my thoughts are that since you’ve helped her this much, she might want more help the day of. She doesn’t sound enthusiastic about her request for you to go but instead more like demanding.
Yeah, you’re better off staying home.” Somewhere-Classic
Another User Comments:
“You’re absolutely NTJ, she sounds like a nightmare. But, and I know this is controversial here, just maybe, to be a bigger person for the brother and the rest of this family, whom you sound very close to, you could have gone to support them.
Your call and I don’t think you did anything wrong, but people get a little myopic in their view of right and wrong without thinking about everyone else they might be impacting.” dubyadubya
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you were uninvited, which is pretty rude of the couple.
She might’ve uninvited you but the ex-BIL has responsibility.
It is entirely unreasonable to expect you to change your plans immediately because she decided to re-invite you to the wedding, on the same day of the wedding.” FancyPantsDancer
18. AITJ For Insulting A Customer Who Was Trying To Hit On Me?
“I’m a waitress. A few days ago I was wiping down tables when a customer sitting nearby started talking to me. He asked if it was a busy day, said the food was good, etc.
Normal small talk while I wiped the tables around him. He went on to tell me I had a nice smile and complimented my outfit (it’s provided by my work) and I was getting uncomfortable.
I just smiled and tried to leave the situation. But then he told me he liked the way my hips swayed when I wiped the tables and that women with wide hips are a man’s dream.
Super weird. So I told him that I like men who still have their hairlines. (He had a receding hairline, he looked to be around 25 – I tried to hit his soft spot.) Also, another weird thing he did (I don’t know if it was intentional or not) was making ‘mmm’ sounds while eating like he was really enjoying his meal but he was lowkey staring at me.
But I’m not sure.
He was super offended and said I didn’t have to be a witch when we had hit it off earlier. I was just being nice… Anyways he left shortly after that and tipped us 15%.
We’re paid an hourly rate too so tips are mandatory and not expected unless you book a table I guess. So weird. I told my boss about it, and he gave me a high five and said you do what you need to do.
But when I told my friends about the situation they thought I was super rude and a jerk. And then they started going on about how guys can’t hit on women anymore because everything is harassment.
I never once said that though. But they thought since I stayed around and was being nice to the guy I led him on. That also led to a discussion about how men should hit on or approach women and them calling me out for hypocrisy.
Because I said be nice, compliment and take it from there… There are different kinds of compliments. In my country, we don’t really approach strangers so my friends also said something like ‘way to go and break his confidence and then wonder why you’re still single and no one approaches you.’
Bruh.
I’m feeling frustrated now and I don’t know if I did something wrong or not. Like maybe it’d be better to just have left and not be mean? I would love some outside judgment.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He was giving you super unwanted attention and being a creeper. You also technically didn’t insult him directly – you just responded to his statement of preferences with a statement about your own.
And your boss backs you, so you’re ok on that front.
Yes, you technically could have been more direct and just said ‘Your comments aren’t appropriate and I need you to stop.’ In general, I would recommend that for customer service.
But again, your boss backed your original comment, so…
You also need to drop those so-called friends.” Remarkable_Whole9517
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I absolutely HATE how men think they have women in the service industry trapped (like you can’t leave, and you have to be nice) so it’s open season.
In high school I worked in a deli, stood behind a GIANT case in a HUGE apron covered in MAYONNAISE, wore a baseball hat, and the dudes wouldn’t leave me alone.
I was 16, and like ‘are you even SURE because technically you can’t see 95% of me.’ Also, those dudes needed to go find ladies their own age, but I digress.
Something about having a captive audience really does it for them. I’ve worked in bookstores, coffee shops, restaurants, and bars, and OP you did EXACTLY what you needed to. Nip it in the bud.
If you keep being nice then they will think you’re encouraging them. I literally had a dude stick his hand down the back of my sweater to rub my back tattoo ‘for luck’ and I spun around so fast and knocked his hand away ‘maybe you were hoping to get lucky but NO SIR.
NO WAY,’ and I called my Mr. Clean lookalike manager over to take over book-shelving in my section until he left. Shut that thing down.
The ladies get blamed for leading men on.
So don’t do it. Be as nasty as you want to be when they say inappropriate things, do inappropriate things, make inappropriate noises (EW) or god forbid try to TOUCH you.
It’s a crying shame their mamas didn’t raise them better but a little heat and snark and we’ll get them in line.” Common_Shoe_4634
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Oh my God, when are people going to learn that ‘compliments’ like that are not actually compliments?! A compliment when you ‘compliment’ something a woman doesn’t have control over (her body, etc.) is borderline/actual harassment.
Telling me you like my jewelry? Compliment. Telling me you like the way my hips sway and that wide hips are a ‘man’s dream’? Not a compliment.
Guys are perfectly welcome to hit on women respectfully.
This is not respectful. And you weren’t leading the guy on – you were being polite to him because he was a customer at your place of work. That is what you are paid to do, be polite.
If he doesn’t realize it? Then that’s his problem.
Also if your boss said the way you dealt with him was OK don’t second-guess yourself. Keep returning fire on gross dudes like that.” ouijabore
17. AITJ For Not Giving My Phone To My Brother?
“I (19F) used to adore my brother (24M) but at a certain point (around 9-10 yo) he changed and became somewhat of a bully (though I don’t like this label). He always took over whatever thing I was doing or had whether I wanted to or not, as long as he wanted it.
For example, if he came home and found me watching tv, the remote control automatically became his. If I was sitting on a couch and he wanted to sit on it, I would need to get up.
I was 12 yo when I last fought with him in a big way about this because he told me something at the time that stuck with me: you can use these things whenever you want but I can’t.
My mother is awful, so I understood and always let him have his way.
However, recently, our mother finally bought me my own phone using my scholarship fund. I assumed that since it was bought with my scholarship fund and it wasn’t given by our mother, then he shouldn’t be entitled to it in any way.
I was clearly wrong as he came home and, like usual, asked me to loan him the phone. I told him this was my phone and I bought it with my own money and I don’t want to share it with anybody else.
He then proceeded to directly snatch it from my hand and wouldn’t give it back. I kept emphasizing to him that it was true this wasn’t bought with our mother’s money, it’s just because she took over my scholarship and he wouldn’t hear any of it.
I got so frustrated and decided to go call our mother who was visiting our neighbors. I go to her and tell her something’s up and if she could come home.
The moment she walks into the house and I tell her what’s going on, she immediately blows up at me saying that I embarrassed her for nothing in front of her neighbors and I should have waited it out till she came back on her own.
She then yelled at me for hours and even started breaking stuff while berating me for even making an issue out of this. She told me what was the issue with him borrowing my phone and that I was ‘showing my feet’ now that I started to get a bit of independence.
But believe me, she berated him even worse and his punishment was far worse than mine.
After things calmed down, my brother ended up giving me the phone back and told me if I was happy with the result.
I am feeling awful writing this right now because I knew she wouldn’t take it well if I got our mother involved in this but still went to her.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“Oh, honey! You played into your brother’s hands.
He’s able to manipulate you, to put you into conflict with your mother, and that’s how he manipulated her, too. He’s taking after her and the sooner you get far away from both of them permanently, the better off you’ll be.
Neither of them loves you, and neither of them sees you as anything but a toy to play with and torment. Run as soon as you can, and don’t go back! NTJ.” ButterscotchOk7516
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Brother should not take your things away from you, and he should know that people are often very sensitive about their phones. He needs to stop taking his anger at your mother out on you.
You were not entirely wrong to call your mother, though I’m sure you did give her a fright; usually one wouldn’t call in an absent parent on an issue like this which could wait, as opposed to something really dire.
Mother is full of it about being embarrassed in front of neighbors. All she had to do is give a gracious excuse and go.
As to the ‘showing of feet’… maybe that’s not a bad idea for you if it’s practical in your community.” akaioi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’ve read some of your responses and you need to realize that you need to do the right thing for yourself.
Your brother knows that your mom is awful and instead of trying to break the cycle he’s continuing it with you. I know you feel some responsibility for him because he’s your brother but he doesn’t feel the same for you.
Do all the research and footwork to get yourself out. You can learn everything you need to know over the internet these days. Just get out before things get worse.” TypicalAd3575
16. AITJ For Telling My Sister To Stop Bragging?
“My (21M) sister (18F) and I have a pretty close relationship. However, she constantly brags about male attention. She casually drops it into conversations almost all the time.
For example, just yesterday, she was telling me how when she and her friend went to meet up with her friend’s love interest, he instantly switched his interest to her, and ditched her friend.
She also likes to tell me about guys who approach her on nights out at clubs and constantly ask her for her number and flirt. I am just casually sitting there most of the time sarcastically saying ‘wow, you are so cool!’ because I literally don’t know how to respond.
It’s my sister, what does she want me to say to this?
Today I just turned around and said ‘look dude I really don’t care about what you do with guys and how attractive they find you, please stop bragging about it’.
She took it pretty badly and it was an awkward silence for a few mins and she stomped away.
AITJ for this?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – I get your annoyance and her excitement, although her excitement is probably misplaced.
Someone once said to me ‘it’s not really all that flattering. Most men will pursue literally any good-looking woman – you could be any of them’ and that gave me a better perspective on empty male attention.” kassandra_veritas
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She is clearly insecure and feels male attention is super important. I wouldn’t even tell her she is bragging because people brag about good things that they think you want so when you tell her she is bragging it sort of makes her feel that the attention she gets is really good.
Instead, tell her it was rude of her to ditch her friends for a guy.
Or ask her why male attention is so important to her.
Basically, give her negative feedback so she realizes not only do you not care but that you also find it a bit pathetic but not in a way that makes it sound like you are jealous.
And if she says ‘you are just jealous’. Say ‘why would I be jealous of someone who feels their whole value is male attention?'” exotics
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, she’s just making conversation.
Clearly, she is focused on male attention, so she’s being a bit naive assuming you are too and want to hear about her exploits.
But if you’ve been listening without comment up til now, suddenly telling her you don’t care and perceive her chat as bragging, it’s no wonder she didn’t react well.
Your sudden outburst makes you sound jealous.
You could have shown more empathy and handled it better.” OK_LK
Another User Comments:
“No way NTJ. You can be even more clear and say you don’t want to spend time with her if she insists on acting like this. Odds are she is probably insecure and jealous of you, so is trying to make you feel bad about not getting hit on all the time.” MermaidOutOfWater15
15. AITJ For Asking A Girl To Use Earphones?
“I went to lunch at the dining hall with a friend between classes. The dining hall is always really crowded and trying to find a seat when you’re alone is challenging enough, much less with a friend.
It’s also generally noisy as a lot of people are just chatting and talking.
We sat down at the bar-style seating that faces the wall. We sat near the end, and my friend was on my left and there was this girl on my right.
She was watching a YouTube video on her phone. She had that thing blasted at full volume because she couldn’t hear it otherwise, and to make matters worse, she was watching this video on 2x, so the narrator’s voice was squeaky, and it was some sort of gaming channel because there was a lot of screaming and mimicking what I think are animal noises while they played.
Now normally, I would’ve just moved to a different part of the dining hall, but again it was dining hall rush hour and it was crowded. It was hard enough to find these seats and I didn’t want to search for another carrying all my food.
I tolerated it for maybe 15-20 minutes, hoping she would finish her food and leave. But no, after she finished, she was just sitting there and continued watching multiple videos on full volume at 2x speed.
At this point I was fed up, the squeaky narrator’s voice was giving me a headache and I couldn’t hear my friend every time the narrator screamed or made an obnoxious noise.
Our interaction when like this:
Me: Hi, I’m so sorry is there any way you could wear some earbuds?
Her: No, I don’t have any.
Me: Could you maybe turn the volume down then? I’m sorry it’s just distracting.
Her: I can barely even hear it, you’re fine.
Me: Can you just turn it off, please? Seriously I’m begging you, I just want to eat my lunch without hearing screaming. Your video is annoying.
She huffed, gave me a death stare, but ultimately left. The way she looked at me you’d think I stole her homework and turned it in for myself. My friend was glad she was gone, but someone else nearby said I was insulting her interests and that she wasn’t bothering anyone, and that I should’ve just left her alone.
They also pointed out that if she had been talking and screaming with her friends I wouldn’t have said anything, which is true, but something about the talking at 2x speed drove me crazy.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If you’re in a public space you should be courteous to the people around you, at least that’s how I was taught.
Blasting your phone at full volume is pretty rude IMO. You didn’t even insult her interests either. So I don’t understand why the other person would say that, you can say that about anything and it wasn’t specific to that interest at all so either you’re not telling us exactly what you said or the person is straight up wrong.
Either way, you’re not the jerk for telling someone to lower their phone’s volume if it’s disturbing you.” madtaco75
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I thought there was an unspoken social rule that we don’t talk on speakerphone in public.
We don’t play videos without earbuds in public. And we don’t play music without earbuds in public.
It’s one thing to let it go on without comment while she’s eating because I wouldn’t have.
She wanted some mealtime entertainment. It’s annoying. But I can deal. And I would have for the duration of the time she was eating. After that, I would have asked the same.
You didn’t insult her or her interests. And if there were people you’d of course not say anything because it’s the dining hall. But at that point, she was literally taking up space for no reason while making as much noise as possible.” TashiaNicole1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Noise pollution is absolutely a thing, and people forcing their interests on others by playing games, watching videos, or listening to music at full volume are definitely jerks. People are entitled to like what they like and watch what they want to watch, but they shouldn’t be allowed to force others to do the same just because they can’t be bothered to use headphones.
The same goes for jerks who have car stereo systems that you can hear for a 3-block radius, anyone who lets their car alarm go off all night long, and neighbors who have loud house parties until well beyond reasonable sleeping hours.” Creatureteacher86150
14. AITJ For Telling My Grandma To Back Off?
“I (nonbinary 18) am currently in the hospital for a few days being treated for a blood infection along with some other things. Naturally, as you do when I got admitted I told my grandparents about it as they were due to see me a few days later.
They came down the day after I’d been admitted. When I’m sick I don’t particularly like being showered in fuss or attention and I didn’t want them to visit. When they came up to my room the nurse was placing another iv line to continue giving me some medication.
My grandma immediately strides over and starts to berate the nurse about how she has done it in one go and can’t mess up. The nurse ignores her and sets up the IV fine.
The rest of the time my grandma is there she is in nurse mode and won’t just let me rest or play a board game like a visitor is meant to – the worst part was when my catheter was going to be replaced for some reason and my grandma refused to leave the room as she had seen it before and wanted to know it was being done properly.
I lost it and told her to back off and go home and I’d call when I was home as I didn’t want this. My mum is saying I am a jerk because it’s just her way of caring but my dad says I’m allowed to be annoyed as I wanted my grandma, not a nurse to support me.
So AITJ?
UPDATE: I spoke to the charge nurse and apologized and my grandma has been banned from being in the room, when I’m up and walking I can go and meet her in the communal area but I’m not quite there yet so I won’t be seeing her for a while.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mom is wrong, this isn’t just ‘her way of caring’.
Her way of caring would be to do what makes you more comfortable, not completely creeped out, and want to call security.
Some people just have to make everything about them, sounds like your grandma might be one of them.
One more point. If a nurse is, say, changing the bags on the IV line, then having a person like that in the room distracting the nurse, is not such a big deal.
Putting in an IV line is a bigger deal. You want the nurse to be fully attending to the job of finding the vein, otherwise, it can hurt. Putting in a catheter? GET OUT OF MY ROOM! That’s something where, privacy aside, you don’t want anyone there who could be a distraction.” VlaxDrek
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Grandma seems to be having some problems keeping her personal life and work life separated.
Yes, she is right to be concerned about it, but she’s not your nurse in this situation and shouldn’t act like it unless it’s a life/death issue. As a patient, you have every right to decide who you want to visit.
If someone is making you uncomfortable and isn’t respecting your wishes, then it’s okay to kick them out. Being stressed while recovering from anything is just going to make it take longer to get better.
Take care of yourself, OP. Hope you get better soon and have a clean bill of health!” Head_Razzmatazz7174
Another User Comments:
“Oh, YIKES! Tell your grandma from me, there are very good reasons doctors and nurses are not allowed to treat family members! Grandma’s insistence on remaining through a catheter placement was ABSOLUTELY unprofessional, intrusive, and just plain rude! You’re in the hospital for your health care, right?!?!? Not to provide entertainment to the family.
If you’re still in the hospital, ask your grandparents to be removed from permitted visitors, and maybe your mother, too, unless she stops insulting you. Make sure your list of who gets notified and who can ask questions and receive news updates does NOT include the grandparents.
NTJ.” ButterscotchOk7516
13. AITJ For Not Reminding My Son's Dad About The School Tour?
“My (25F) ex (34M – Ted) didn’t turn up to our son’s (4M – Milo) school tour that he’s known about for 3 weeks & he says it’s my fault for not reminding him that he didn’t turn up, I told him it’s not my responsibility to remind him.
Ted is the pinnacle of weaponized incompetence. He’s constantly missed speech appointments that never changed for our son while I was at work, he won’t look at any schools, do any research, or anything at all that I send him regarding autism, pediatrician reports, etc.
He actively fought against me in getting Milo’s diagnosis, insisting that Milo is not autistic (spoiler: he is). I’ve effectively been raising Milo as a single parent with a glorified babysitter as his father.
3 weeks ago I got a call from one of the schools I applied to for Milo, it’s an amazing school & comes highly recommended. I told Ted about this, and he asked for the time, date, & location which I gave, even going as far as to give him public transport details due to him having lost his license for 9 months.
Ted said he would be there. Fantastic.
A few days later I asked Ted if he had any questions he planned to ask the school because I was compiling a list, he ignored my question & responded with ‘I don’t see why Milo can’t go to a mainstream school, they have special needs classes there’.
The rest of the time went by & I took Milo on the tour today. Ted was nowhere to be seen, he said nothing to me about not going, which isn’t unusual considering his unwillingness to communicate about anything, so I figured I’d either see him there or I wouldn’t.
Afterward, I texted him to say the tour had occurred. His response was ‘You could have reminded me’. I told him reminding him was not my responsibility & he had the details he needed.
His response to that was a wall of ‘well it would have been nice to remind me’ & ‘you just wanted to rub in my face I didn’t go’. I felt it important to tell him the school tour occurred because it is Milo’s future & as the ‘father’ he should be kept up to date – it wasn’t done in a vicious manner, purely done because I felt it important.
The reasons I didn’t remind him are simply, I elected to avoid issues & arguments of ‘I’m not a baby, I don’t need reminding!’ that could potentially spill into the school tour.
He also insists he’s a better parent & knows better than me. The other reason is bc I knew it would give another reason why he’s not a capable parent to the court.
I want more than anything for him to be involved in Milo’s life but it’s a track record of this as well as an innumerable amount of other reasons including one negligence in communication that almost cost Milo his life just this week & I have sincere concerns for Milo’s safety & wellbeing.
Ted does not have a job or responsibility outside his son on the weekend. All he had to do was put it in his calendar & turn up.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and as you know, document everything.
The first thing I do when the mother of my children tells me about their appointments and such is put it into my calendar. I have several reminder notifications there, plus I write it out on a sticky or in a book.
If I forget, it’s my fault. At most and as a courtesy, email him as a follow-up when you tell him things. After that, let it go and let him be an adult.” CylintStep
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is part of why you’re not with him isn’t it? It’s the way he is. He might have a learning challenge that makes it tough. But if he really cares, then just like loads of us, he would practice and learn the habits that enabled him to have all of the reminders.
For loads of us, we have to put an alarm reminder on our phones and we have to put up little notes in our homes and in our cars to remind ourselves when to get ready and when to leave and when things are.
He is sad about the good old days when you thought it was a normal relationship and he could get you to take responsibility for his irresponsibility. Now he doesn’t get to make you do that.
So he blows it.
Unfortunately, he’s going to end up with a relationship that reflects this with his kids. You know, lots of us women thought we were doing the right thing when we bent over backward to enable our husband’s relationship with our kids and tried really hard to do everything we could to make our families seem healthy and close and happy.
But lots of us made a mistake by propping up our partner. It was kind of like not being honest with our kids. That’s a confusing thing. Best of luck.” mcclgwe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It seems like you’re a very attentive mom with a good head on her shoulders. If you don’t rely on this man for financial support I would consider beginning the process of legally removing him from your, and Milo’s life.
If you do rely on his support and/or think that his involvement in Milo’s life would be a good thing, then at least get a court-ordered arrangement going so that everyone is protected.” emilyinfini
12. AITJ For Not Caring That My Cousin Had An Unsuccessful Pregnancy?
“My cousin and I are three years apart and have never been super close since the first time I saw her she was a baby and then we hadn’t been allowed to see each other until she was almost 16.
To put this in perspective, my cousin is an attention seeker and loves drama. She has claimed to be pregnant before but she had faked it by having her friend who was almost ready for delivery take a pregnancy test for her.
This time she was actually pregnant, going to doctor’s appointments, getting scans and ultrasounds, all that stuff. I was very annoyed by this already because I knew she would not be able to take care of a child since she couldn’t even take care of herself.
She is always asking for money for gas or food, but she also constantly takes road trips and parties. Plus she and her partner don’t work, they are always quitting their jobs or getting fired.
So a month after her gender reveal, which I refused to go to, was when she posted about losing the baby. I was a little sad for her since I can understand how it must feel to lose a child you had been carrying inside of you but then I stopped caring so much.
She wasn’t going to be able to care for the baby anyways, it would’ve been taken away from her since she lives with her partner’s parents, with no money and no jobs.
I was glad that this poor defenseless baby would not be brought up like that.
She started posting all kinds of drama about it immediately after however, saying things like she knew it would be hard for her to raise the baby and how the tight authorities would have to step in as if she didn’t even care if her child was taken away, and she was posting about planning a super crazy 21st birthday party where she was gonna get super wasted, but not even 24 hours ago she was pregnant and wouldn’t even be able to drink at all.
She then began texting me asking for funds and if she had heard the news and if my wife would give her tattoos. I never responded but I wish I had said something about her ignorance of the whole situation.
Does that make me the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Now she’s got used to the attention from being pregnant, you’re in for a ride of it. I know someone just like this and her family has either unfollowed or muted her on social media because of all the crap she posts.
Keep at a low contact level so you don’t get drawn into it.
NTJ.” TopBluejay8238
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. What kind of person is happy that someone lost a baby? You don’t get to judge how she handles something like that.
Plus, she isn’t a big part of your life so just ignore her if you disapprove of her choices.” sassynickles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I think people often put being a parent on a pedestal, that is to say, people think parents should never be questioned and the decisions prospective parents make should never be doubted.
From what you’ve said, it would be unwise to bring a child into the world in these conditions. You have no reason to feel bad about this. It’s the most logical and rational conclusion based on the circumstances.” SpareUmbrella
11. AITJ For Sending A Rude Employee Home?
“I oversee 5 drivers and one constantly comes in a bad mood. Recently, an employee was asked to help out at the ‘Corporate’ office to help with some clerical work. Ever since then, she has complained about the work as a driver and talks about how much she misses her ‘desk job.’ Yesterday, I sent her to deliver 4 automotive batteries and a handful of engine oil filters.
This morning, I sent her out on a run and she barks at me about how I’m always giving her the heavy parts and why I can’t have another driver take them.
I told her that it’s the way it happens. I don’t single anyone out; customers order, I pull out the parts, and whoever is in the warehouse delivers them. She said it was ‘not fair’ and that it was going to be her last.
I didn’t care to ask what she meant by that and walked away. She came back — teary-eyed and flushed like she’d been crying — and I told her if she didn’t want to work, she could go home.
AITJ for doing that? Should I have just waited for another driver to show up and send it with them and give her the light loads?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So she gave you lip yesterday, the attitude carried on today, and she was sent home.
Maybe she has things going on back home but as someone else pointed out, we can’t pick and choose what aspects of our job we want to do. If she was going through something difficult, she shouldn’t have come to work.” anahyvelez
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She’s got a bad attitude. Car batteries aren’t so heavy that an able-bodied adult should be complaining about delivering 4 of them.
It sounds like she’s going through something, which I’m sympathetic to, to a point.
She can’t pick and choose her work and use that as an excuse.” mzpljc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’ve dealt with someone like this, always wants to get paid to do the job without actually doing it.
If you were to stop giving her as many orders, she would say you’re not giving her enough to do her job. You give her too many, she says she wants special privileges. There’s no winning with someone like her.” Ambitious_Moose_7078
10. AITJ For Telling My Friend To Lose Weight?
“Up until a few years ago, I (29F) was a size 00 or 0 for as long as I can remember. I hated it. I thought I looked prepubescent. So, a few years ago, I decided to actually work towards gaining weight in a healthy and controlled way, and I succeeded! I’m now a solid size 6 and absolutely love it.
I recently met up with a friend of mine, Jess (30F), who I haven’t seen in person since I gained weight. She would not stop talking about how I made a mistake gaining ‘so much’ weight, how I ruined my body, and how I looked way better before.
I should mention that Jess isn’t small. Before 2020, she was a bit overweight; now, she’s borderline obese. She’s always talking about how she’s starting a new diet to turn things around but never sticks to them.
Anywho, after a 2-hour lunch full of her making comments about my weight, I was so done. I told her that not everyone wants to lose weight. She kept on trying to talk over me, and I lost it and told her to stop projecting onto me, and to just shut up and lose weight.
It’s been a few days now, and she hasn’t contacted me at all or responded to my texts. Some of my friends told me I wasn’t in the wrong, but some also told me that bringing up her weight struggles was a low blow.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Two wrongs don’t make a right. What she was saying wasn’t cool, but that doesn’t make it okay to body shame her. If you were bothered by her comments (which according to you weren’t as aggressive or out of line as what you said), you could’ve just told her that the comments bothered you and why.
I’ve been super skinny (like doctors told me I had nearly zero percent body fat) and I’ve been obese, so I’ve gotten comments in both directions, but as much as I would like to turn those kinds of comments back on the person making them, it just wouldn’t help anything.
She is obviously unhappy about her weight, people who are happy with their bodies don’t usually make negative comments about other people’s bodies. You clearly feel bad about saying what you did (you wouldn’t ask ‘AITJ’ if you didn’t) and she doesn’t feel good either (as she hasn’t gotten back to you), and neither of you has communicated how those kinds of comments make you feel and why they’re hurtful.
I would call/text her and apologize and explain how her comments upset you. Be empathetic.” MaxTremors
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Her struggles with her own weight should have shown her how harsh it can be to assume that people need to look a certain way for them to feel happy.
She shouldn’t have pushed the subject for the full 2 hours. That’s spiteful and obviously ruins whatever fun you guys were wanting to have. Was it cruel on your part to bring up her struggles? Not when she seemed to undermine everything about your weight gain as a negative instead of the positive impact it’s had on you.
It could also come from her being self-conscious about her own body and how she’s been struggling, but it’s also not ok for her to use this opportunity to project her own insecurities onto you.” Ambitious_Moose_7078
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ to you for pointing out her weight but hard YTJ to your so-called friend too who thought it perfectly fine to rag on you about yours.
I understand you held it in as long as you could before blowing up, hence I’m giving you a pass. I always struggled with my weight and thought skinny girls had it easy until I lived with two of them.
One looked like a stiff wind would blow her over and she was just literally incapable of putting on weight, despite eating twice as much as the rest of us. People felt perfectly comfortable harassing her about ‘eating a sandwich’ and enquiring about her health.
I remember seeing her after a year or two of only text contact and she’d put on 3 kg. She was so happy and looked so healthy and I was so proud of her.
Kudos to you for taking control of your health and your life and settling at a weight that you are comfortable with. Size 6 is still pretty tiny however perfectly healthy.
I’m afraid you really should let this friendship go. Friends support you, lift you up, and don’t body shame you for being too small, too fat, too anything.” Junglerumble19
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your friend is in a bad place and you were right about her projection. Her entire demeanor sounds grating and it is so wrong to offer unsolicited opinions on your weight.
However, you were unwilling to even set a boundary and then raged at her. So you went for aggression as your only tactic; that is a jerk move.
In the future, you might say: ‘hey I am not comfortable talking about weight loss.’ Then change the subject.
If they persist, and it is the first few times of establishing this boundary, give them a second warning. If they will not respect your boundary, you leave. If you have told someone twice already and they keep busting your boundary you might just reconsider the friendship.
It can feel strange to assert yourself. Most cultures seem intent on making people feel ashamed of their own wants and needs so it feels vulnerable and shameful at times to assert oneself in that way.
So if what I suggest sounds terribly uncomfortable, remember that no one ever died of discomfort. Worst case, a relationship with someone who does not respect you comes to an end. There are worse losses in life. Like the loss of confidence and peace of enduring others’ derision.” TheEmpressIsIn
(NJH for the understandable feelings people are grappling with, ESH for inability to maturely process them out loud!)
Hopefully you can have a healthy conversation about healthy boundaries, which is even more important than getting on the same page about the ranges of what constitutes healthy weights. Both sides beyond should acknowledge how much more harmful than helpful these body-centric discussions (especially when they are allowed to consume all or most of one's social time) often are.
Congratulations to OP on finding a sustainable and comfortable routine/body, but please apologize to Jess for not stopping the conversation before your discomfort got so bad that you made a cruel and ignorant comment. If Jess can't also acknowledge that it was hurtful and thoughtless to project her own dysmorphia and frustration to the point of berating you for two hours for improving your own personal relationship with your body, you both might benefit from returning the friendship to 'text-only' for a while (if it is indeed worth saving).
9. WIBTJ If I Tell My Friend We Shouldn't Live Together?
“I (22f) am a recent undergrad (starting my master’s degree in the fall). I have an Emotional Support Animal cat, which makes it harder to find places to live that are pet friendly as it is.
I have had to move four times in the past half a year, due to graduating in December. I had to move out of my studio dorm and moved into a new place with a coworker (20f).
We then moved units. My coworker was overbearing, controlling, and emotionally manipulative. She had two cats that weren’t even supposed to be there, under the guise that she was ‘taking care of them indefinitely for in-laws’.
They would hurt my cat, take his food and water, etc. I’m exhausted mentally, and physically from this ordeal with my previous roommate.
I just moved a few days ago into a room in a lovely, older house.
The landlord is great and takes good care of the property. This change has been a breath of fresh air from dealing with a corporate property manager who treated me like a number.
My new housemate (20m) has been a saint.
The problem comes in where my current lease at the new house only lasts until the end of August, and my landlord is asking me if I will want to stay for the full school year.
If I didn’t have my friend (also 22f) counting on me, I would undoubtedly stay and sign for the full school year.
My friend is in a toxic housing situation of her own until September.
We have been friends for 4 years, and have loosely discussed living together because of our not-great roommates. However, she will be in Guatemala most of the summer visiting family, during that time we need to tour places and commit to moving in together.
On top of this, our budgets are far apart. I have a full scholarship and will receive a lofty amount for housing so I could afford something on my own. Her budget is much lower.
She also has a pit bull who is a sweetheart, but breed restrictions may make it tougher to find a place. I am also unsure as to how well her dog will get along with my cat.
This is a big concern for me.
When we talk about future places, her priorities seem to be a lot different than mine. For example, she wants to see if the two of us could rent a house with a fenced-in yard.
I’m looking for a place that has a dishwasher, in-unit laundry, etc. Basic amenities that will make my life as a student easier.
I know that I’m in a position where I can help her, but I could afford something really nice and live alone, OR I could renew at my current place where I am very happy to be.
My landlord said I would need to let him know if I want to renew this weekend, otherwise, he will sign someone else for the school year. I’m exhausted from moving.
I really want to just settle somewhere for my master’s degree and feel stable.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if you’re happy where you are. Stay. Take the feeling of stability and knowing that your cat will be safe and happy.
You can help your friend find a place, but realistically it sounds like you’re pretty uncomfortable with moving in together due to poor former housemates. That’s valid. If moving in with your friend is something you really really want, go for it.
If you’re happy where you are or want to be by yourself, that’s valid and your happiness should be what is most important in my opinion.” Electrical_Example_7
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ, so long as you give your friend notice immediately.
It sounds as though you both have very different needs for your pets and life. It also seems that she’s not going to be physically present during the time you need to be finding a new place.
My take on it — stay where you are or move to something for just yourself. It sounds like the plans are in the ‘thinking out loud’ stage, but if she’s not committing to prioritizing the housing situation, it sounds like she’s leaning on you to ‘do the work’…
you don’t want to start off cohabitating with that sort of dynamic.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ as long as you talk to your friend immediately so she can adequately prepare and find her own housing.
It’s nice to be able to help friends out when you can and if the situation were mutually beneficial that would be even better.
In this case, however, you have been dealing with your own difficult living environment, education, and stress.
It’s ok to prioritize your education and the health and welfare of your Esa cat now. I think you should absolutely stay where you are and enjoy a peaceful environment. You just need to tell your friend immediately so they can prepare as well. Good luck!” Jovon35
8. WIBTJ If I Choose The Gym Over A Social Outing?
“My partner’s parents recently asked us to go out for drinks during the day, they said specifically ‘Do you want to come with us this weekend because you two never seem to go out’.
The last half of the sentence was said sort of jokingly I guess, but I still felt pressured to say yes because for whatever reason they just assume we spend all our time indoors which neither of us does.
I’ll also be the first to admit that I have an issue with asserting boundaries/saying no to certain people in positions of authority (I say authority because his dad is actually my employer), part of this is due to me being autistic and not really feeling comfortable or knowing what to really say in social situations with people I’m not very close friends with or romantically involved with, so I tend to just drift towards the default easiest people-pleaser option, that being: ‘yes.’
This also isn’t the first time his mother has made a ‘joke’ like this towards my lifestyle or attitude socially; when I first went on vacation with them, she ‘joked’ and called me boring because I didn’t want to spend every night drinking and I felt exhausted from the really hot weather.
She has also made a little ‘joke’ about the fact I am very anxious when driving my car – my first car was very dangerous to drive and it’s sort of put me off driving since, I’m trying to get back into it when I have the time during the evenings but it’s not something I can prioritize right now.
Still, she made a comment along the lines of ‘well you never drive the car anyways so why are you complaining’ when I mentioned something about the tire. Everyone played it off as another joke, but to be honest, I’m quite sensitive about things regarding my anxiety as I have suffered all my life with it, even from a very young age.
So inevitably I said yes to going out for drinks as they asked suddenly and I was put on the spot, despite me having several reasons not to like: I don’t enjoy drinking, I’m watching my calories and I get emotional and sensory overload from places like busy restaurants or pubs, I’d rather just have a quiet weekend and go to the gym, and I also know for a fact that if I were to go out with them, order food and a drink, that they’d ask why I was eating so little and drinking so little – they are the type of people to assume that I have a full-blown eating disorder simply because I want to improve my physique and health because I’m overweight and I don’t want to be like this anymore so it’s not like I can even reason with them.
She messaged me a few hours ago asking what time we would arrive and I really want to say I can’t come anymore because it’s just conflicting with my schedule (the gym) and that I don’t really want to be drinking or having restaurant food at the moment – I’ve already prepared food for the week and me being autistic I find it really comfortable to stick to a schedule I’ve already planned.
WIBTJ? Is there anything else I could do?”
Another User Comments:
“Slight YTJ because it’s a little rude to cancel on plans already made. As others have said, maybe there’s a way you can leave a little early.
Next time, though, there’s a wonderful phrase that I’ve employed a lot to get out of things I don’t want to go to: ‘Sorry, I have other plans.’ You don’t have to elaborate or explain any further than that.” waterswondrousdeep
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
As someone who has a very (very very) small social battery, I can empathize with you completely. However, as someone who HATES being canceled on at the last minute, I generally try my hardest to make the appointments I make.
My advice would be to go, just for a little bit, and then excuse yourself and spend the rest of the night at home. Show your face, so to speak.
I would also suggest you talk to his mother (not tonight, but maybe later this week) and explain how you’re feeling.
Sometimes a simple conversation can help two people understand each other much better. Tell her what you just told us here and maybe suggest that you go out to a quiet café sometime, just the two of you.
Or maybe she can come over and you two can have lunch?” User
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you cancel last minute, since you agreed to these plans, though I definitely empathize with your reasoning on not wanting to go.
My suggestion would be to go just for a short time and leave after a single drink. Or don’t order any booze at all! If they make any sort of fuss over that, then I don’t think you’re obligated to spend extra time with them.” Negative_Patient1974
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You made plans and it’s rude to back out last minute, it’s always better just to be upfront and say no from the beginning. However, I can empathize with not wanting to spend time with people who regularly pressure you to eat and drink more than you are comfortable with.” photosbeersandteach
7. AITJ For Canceling A Trip With My Friend?
“I (26F) had scheduled a trip with my friend A, (27M) for the end of next month. We met in college, and kinda bonded out of convenience since we were from the same hometown and could carpool together, but never really had much in common.
We ended up becoming a bit closer after I lost a relative to cancer, and A drove me back home and stayed with me all through the funeral (just so it’s clear, we are both gay).
After that, even tho we didn’t have much in common, I always made an effort to make time for him, and regarded him as someone I could rely on during tough times.
In the past couple of years, however, I had been feeling like this was less than a mutual friendship. It seemed like every time he called me, it was just to complain about his partner, his family, his work, or whatever.
I listened and was equipped with stuff like ‘that sucks, dude’, figuring he just needed to vent to someone, but it always made me feel a bit trashy that he never asked about me in return.
I rolled with it though, figuring he’s maybe just the type who’s better at providing material help (like with the funeral) and tried to be a supportive friend. When he complained about never going on a vacation, I offered to go on a trip with him, since my schedule was flexible, and we started making plans – this was back in January, and I thought I’d be available at the end of May.
Turns out I’m not as available as I thought I’d be. My cousin B, who has chronic depression, lost her baby earlier this year, and it’s been taking a huge toll on her.
We (my brother C and I, who are the only family she has nearby) have taken her to therapists, to doctors, to the church she used to attend, you name it.
We tried to give her space, we tried to give her attention, but nothing seems to have any sort of lasting effect. Sometimes, she’ll wake up about as well as could be expected and manage her day on her own; sometimes she won’t get out of bed even to drink water.
Worse of all, her original due date would be at the end of May, and it seems like she is getting worse as it approaches.
Since May is right around the corner and B is still struggling a lot, I called A and let him know I just couldn’t make it.
I explained the situation, apologized, offered to cover any cancellation fees, and said he could take someone else in my place if he’d like. A just went dead quiet, said very curtly that he couldn’t deny that he was disappointed, and listed all the reasons why this trip was important to him and how inconvenient my canceling on him ‘last minute’ was (the trip was on 5/26).
No questions about B, or me, or anything, and he hasn’t contacted me since.
I know he’s been anticipating this trip, but I just cannot begin to imagine leaving to go anywhere right now.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – is this really someone you want to continue calling a friend?
Of course, it is human to be disappointed when things don’t work out but a friend should step back from those emotions and look at the big picture.
I suggest you sit down and look at yourself and what you want from friendships. Unpack your baggage and find your worth. Then don’t settle for people who don’t value and support you.
Sure he went to your relative’s funeral with you but that doesn’t mean he is your friend or even had friendly intentions when he attended. Maybe ask yourself if there is underlying flirting or if are you truly just acquaintances.
In my limited knowledge, my opinion friend is too strong a word to describe this person.
Y’all were carpool buddies who happened to attend a highly emotional situation (for you) together. You describe it as a poor friendship.
The real question: is not ‘are you the jerk?’ but do you want this relationship in your life, are you willing to do all the work for it or should you move on? Only you know that.” ActuatorTrue3742
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Some people are completely focused on their own misery, they can’t look beyond it.
I hope your personal situations start to lighten soon. You’re clearly a very caring person and I’m a great believer in what goes around comes around.
Sometimes we need to realize someone’s a drain and have to protect our energy and to step away, completely, allowing that energy and time for other opportunities.” Swiftofeye
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
And given the type of relationship you have with A, I wouldn’t give this another thought and just focus on my family.
This person obviously has their own issues given how they never ask about you and only focus on themselves. If you are the only ‘friend’ they have that can go on vacation even though it’s almost a month out, then that’s an A problem.
Your reason was more than justifiable. I would take this as a chance to end this ‘friendship’ as the response shows just what kind of a person they are.” KAT_GRL_WNDR
6. AITJ For Not Including My Sister In My New Year's Plans?
“My sister (37F) and I (30F) are really close. She stays over almost every other weekend at my house where I live with my partner. We go out together and I include her in almost all of my plans.
We don’t have parents, she doesn’t exactly have friends and I have a few wonderful ones – so we all hang out together.
We’ve spent the last 3 NYEs together. This year, however, I wanted to be alone with my partner and just ring it quietly in our home.
So I did.
My friends had decided to meet and catch the sunrise and I was hoping to sleep through that idea (LOL). But they called my partner at 6 am, who woke me up, and because it was the start of a new year and I didn’t want to start by saying ‘no’, I went.
I had a great time with them. We wanted to hang out more so we decided to do a sleepover at my place later. They came, we watched a movie, and had a good time.
Since it was a Sunday and no one had anywhere to go, we woke up late, had a late breakfast, and then spent the remaining afternoon just chilling and painting (We had some art supplies).
When my sister called later, I told her about my day and everything was fine. Then I called her today for our daily call and she sounded upset. Upon pressing, she said that she felt hurt that I didn’t invite her to my plan and she started crying.
That I said I wanted to spend my NYE with my partner and ended up making plans with my friends and didn’t even call her.
Frankly, I did spend my NYE with my partner.
We watched a movie. Sis & I did the midnight call video with my third sister (35F) too. At that time, I was home and doing nothing and didn’t intend to have plans.
The sunrise plan and the ones after that just happened.
I should have called her and it didn’t occur to me to do that.
She said she had a very bad start to the New Year and I’m really sad and don’t want her to be upset or feel that I excluded her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You did your original plan and the next day started doing activities with your friends and it turned into a two-day adventure. Your sister was probably sad at this year being different and when she heard about all the fun stuff you did, she probably felt a bit left aside, especially since you said she had a bad start to the year.
You didn’t exclude her, and she is not a jerk for feeling a bit upset or excluded, as long as she doesn’t turn this into a fight. It sounds like you have a good relationship and, like all relationships, sometimes there are hurt feelings that are normal and that won’t become anything bigger.
If you live close enough, maybe arrange to hang out with her sometime today, or this week? Have some fun sibling time, she might need it.” Slow-Bumblebee-8609
Another User Comments:
“I would say NTJ.
It is very telling that your friends didn’t call your sister too – they obviously don’t consider her a friend. That means that she needs to find her own ones. She cannot rely on you for her whole social life, as that is not fair to you and especially not to your friends.
However, you could ask them if they expected you to call your sister, and see what they answer – and how they answer. It might be that your friend group was relieved she wasn’t there if they feel that she isn’t a friend, but rather someone you keep bringing to group hang-outs that they have to tolerate to get your company.
If I were you, I would start encouraging your sister to find her own friends in any case. What if something happened to you? She would be pretty much isolated.” KeyFly3
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, it was a last-minute thing for starters, and sure you could have invited her over later in the day, but you don’t have any obligation to do that even if you are close.
You two should go out for lunch or something, just the two of you, and clear the air. She’s not wrong for feeling hurt, and you’re not wrong for living your life.” ShadyVermin
5. AITJ For Not Giving Up My Airplane Seat?
“When I boarded the plane, I was in the last group to be boarded and was just looking for any seat that was open and close to the entrance. The reason why is that I had a layover flight with a 10-15 minute difference right after the plane lands.
Right as I’m going down the aisle with my carry-on luggage and backpack, I notice an aisle seat that was open right next to an elderly woman and a maybe thirty-year-old woman in the window seat.
It was the 12th row and I thought I struck gold. I checked the seat for belongings and there was nothing marking the seat, no hats, baggage, or anything of the sort so I immediately settle into the seat.
The elderly woman immediately makes a fuss and tells me that the seat was saved for her grandson who was using the bathroom. I then offered to switch seats with the grandson if it makes her feel more comfortable.
She said she wanted to spend time with her grandson which I understand. So I asked what does her grandson look like so I can be on the lookout for him if he approaches the aisle because the plane aisle was still crowded with people trying to find a seat.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a teenager that looks like the descriptions the grandmother was telling me and he was talking to a flight attendant. The flight attendant then approaches our aisle and tells the grandmother, ‘Your grandson told me to tell you that he’ll be sitting at the back of the plane.’ The grandmother immediately looks defeated and made comments here and there about how she wanted her grandson to sit in the seat.
I felt bad but at this point, it was out of my hands and the grandson made his choice. I just am curious, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, majorly. Somebody else had already claimed that seat and yet you sat in it while they were on the can.
Then to avoid conflict they changed seats and you used that as an excuse to feel justified in taking the guy’s seat.” AdministrativeRub214
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you probably saved a teenage boy from having to spend hours making small talk with his grandmother.
I find it hard enough to make small talk on the phone with my grandmother for ten minutes let alone hours on a plane. He’s probably very grateful.” shanna811
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say YTJ for sitting before checking with the women if anyone was sitting there already.
Proper airplane etiquette would have been to check for belongings first, then ask the people seated if the empty seat was taken. It would have saved you from sitting in a taken seat and you could have found something else. Even though you checked for belongings, you just sat down without double-checking with the people in the row… that’s the rude part.” Razzberries91
4. AITJ For Coming Home Late?
“So I (20m) have been going out with a new group of friends. We like to stay up late, play pool, throw darts and just talk to each other. So last night I did this and my dad was really upset with me in the morning.
He told me if I keep it up he’ll ground me and I won’t be allowed to go out.
I don’t really understand the problem he has with it. I asked him he said it’s dangerous to drive and he worries about me.
(I don’t leave the city no highway driving.)
I’d understand it a lot more if I was going to the bar and drinking every night but I never drink with them. The place we go is always quiet and the people who work there are getting to recognize us.
Plus we’re usually out of the pool hall just after midnight and then we just sit and talk in the car then I drive them home (they live on the other side of the city so it’s a 30-minute drive home).
My dad knows all this and still shakes his head.
I always do it on nights when I have nothing to wake up for in the morning. I always do whatever chores he asks me and I get good grades in school.
He doesn’t work in the mornings and half the time I hear him snoring so I don’t think he hears me when I come home.
I’m just frustrated because I’m trying to be responsible but I’m still getting punished just because I’m coming through the door late.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because you are an adult and staying out past midnight/one am is fairly common for your age.
And great on you for being responsible and not drinking or partying to excess. However, you still live at home and should be considerate of your dad. If you know you will be staying out just give him a call or text and let him know where you are and when you expect to be home.
That might help give him a little piece of mind so he doesn’t worry so much.
If your dad actually grounds you for this he would be the jerk because he’s not treating you like an adult.
The whole ‘my house my rules’ only works for things actually involving the house (keep your room clean, do your chores, anything else a roommate would also expect if they were covering the mortgage.)” Sweetsmyle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it’s time you two sat down and had a chat.
I think part of it is not that he doesn’t think you’re a responsible adult. He’s probably concerned about all the other idiots there are out there at that time of night.
I get it. Ask if that’s what he’s worried about, and stress that you don’t go anywhere that could get you in any trouble.
As a parent of grown kids, my main concern was not that they weren’t being responsible when they were out late, but that other people weren’t.
That was a call that I never had to wake up to, thankfully, but even now, when they have lives of their own, it still bothers me some.” Head_Razzmatazz7174
Another User Comments:
“You’re twenty years old and way past the age where your father has any right to ground you.
At this stage of the game, it would be considered kidnapping or unlawful detainment, LOL. Now if he objected because you’re making so much noise when you’re coming home thus waking him up that would be different.
But him telling you that he worries about you is super lame as you are now an adult and responsible for your own self. You deserve a social life and you’re not doing anything wrong and he is being completely unreasonable and controlling. If he has anxiety about your safety that is his issue and he needs to talk to a great therapist. He is in control of his own emotions.” User
3. AITJ For Wanting A Share Of The House?
“I grew up in a pretty westernized family in Mumbai but I suppose still Indian-y in their own special way. It is ‘normal’ for men to stay at home well after they get married and bring their wives into the home.
Now I come from a community where people do move out but that’s not always possible because flats in Mumbai are extremely expensive.
My parents want to leave the entire house (a million dollar ish worth flat in Mumbai) to my brother who’s at the moment a 20-year-old moron who lives off them and has little direction in life.
Their logic when I called it wrong and archaic was that they cannot ‘render him homeless’ and I won’t be here.
Bit of back story while still staying as private as possible – I married a foreigner who obviously comes from a culture where everything is split in half so I’m gonna be paying a mortgage and his mom will leave the house to him and his sibling (as it should be).
I’ve disappointed them in other ways – not speaking to my mother’s family, being an atheist, only signing when I got married with no one present, etc, etc.
Edit of more information that might be important – I have moved out.
I’m married. I do get on with my parents when we aren’t fighting about their son. I suppose despite how easy he has it I’m self-made. I haven’t taken a penny from them and I don’t live in that country anymore.
I’m referring to their will and after they’re gone. I actually completely get him living there until they’re gone.
Anyway, they say they ‘love us equally’ but he’ll be in India (Mumbai) and should keep the flat cause prices are too high.
I said and I quote ‘so is it cause he’s a guy or cause he is a loser’. My mother said I was a money-minded witch etc.
It’s not about the money.
It’s about the principle.
I make over 100k a year and I guess they are rewarding him for being a man or a loser. I’m angry. I’m hurt and I’m confused.
Do they have some point here that I’m missing? They said they’d ‘make up for it by leaving me more of their gold or whatever’ — first of all they don’t do well enough to make up for a million-dollar house (it’s inherited) and second, it still wouldn’t be right.
We recently had a fight where I said if you do this I want nothing. Leave me nothing in the will. I don’t want anything from them that allows them to continue living like this is an okay and equal thing to do.
AITJ for wanting the house to be split even though their son is a loser who probably never plans to leave and I guess it’s ‘traditional’ for him to stay?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, you’re not a jerk for being angry.
They are giving your brother their flat which is fair, but they are not jerks for giving it to him. It is their flat they can do whatever they want with their stuff.
And last note you seem harsh on your brother.” soothsayerofpizza
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re looking for them to treat you fairly and it’s lopsided as is. Unfortunately, you’re likely not going to win this argument, so you have to figure out how best to make the best of things for your peace of mind. I’m not saying agree with them or just take it on the chin, but learn that sometimes winning the fight (even when you’re right) just isn’t worth it.” jocoreddit
That said, unfortunately with the ridiculous ballooning of real estate speculation, I suspect that one million-dollar home is worth more than twice what two half-million dollar homes are when you calculate both price and space/amenities, let alone sentimental value. Especially if your parents themselves inherited it, and you have no interest in living in that city, I can imagine why they would be disinclined to sell and split it.
If even with the total value of everything else they possess there's nowhere close to equal value in your inheritances, maybe they can split ownership on the title (so he's still the only one living there, but he can't sell it without paying you out...or even perhaps he owes you a nominal rent for using both halves)?
Or maybe you're better off just stepping back and standing on principle - if you're making good money on your own, it sounds like your pride is more at issue here than the material aspects. I hope that if your parents can't be made to consider a fairer way of handling it, your brother ensures his assets are at your disposal if you ever need them - you may need to at least pretend to respect him a little more for that to happen though!
2. WIBTJ If I Condemn My Sister For Giving Up On A Foster Kid?
“I (25F) have a sister S (32) who has one stepson A (15) and one bio son C (6) who was conceived via IVF. My sister had a very hard pregnancy, and when they decided to expand their family again they chose to go the way of foster to adopt and became certified foster parents.
Shortly after this, they were contacted, A’s bio mom had lost custody of two of her his half-siblings, and it was asked if they would want to foster both of them.
My sister and her husband agreed and for the last year, they’ve fostered a girl (8) and a boy (6). They are overall good kids, though have clearly not had ideal parenting and social skills and have needed a lot of love and patience from our family.
I’ve noticed a pattern, as well as my other sisters, of them being extremely hard on the boy and easy on the girl. While, yes, the foster son may have ADHD or another behavioral problem, they haven’t sought out therapy or any kind of medical treatment so it’s hard to say.
(My son 5 also has ADHD but it is something we address through therapy and being very intentional with him). The foster daughter is the only girl grandchild on either side of the family, and I can notice a definite difference in the way they handle her similar behavior patterns, meeting her with much more understanding and compassion.
My sister has recently announced they are ‘rehoming’ the foster son, but plan on continuing fostering the daughter with the hope of eventually adopting her. The agency has already started making arrangements.
S says it’s because of problems with C and the foster son, especially with them being so close in age. However, my sister has a long-term cycle of adopting/rehoming pets, and I can’t help but feel like this is the same thing playing out but this time involving actual children.
The two siblings only grew up with each other, as A had no previous relationship with them before the foster placement. This is the reason I think they should be allowed to stay together, and if the stress of four kids is too much maybe it’s better if they can be placed in a different home together.
WIBTJ for telling my sister my opinion on splitting up the siblings?”
Another User Comments:
“I have heard stories that the reason to split up siblings is usually because of one child showing behavioral issues that no one can help and that it is affecting their siblings.
They usually will split temporarily to see if the affected sibling will do better being in a different environment from the behavioral issues child. If the affected sibling is doing better, then it becomes permanent with visitation schedules.
It sounds like the foster system is going ahead with it and while you think it’s wrong to split up siblings, you may not know the full truth about them or their reasoning to allow it to happen.
I’m going with YTJ. The boy may need to go to another home that would get him the help he needs which you felt he wasn’t getting at your sister’s home.” AlternativeAlias42
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Please say something to the person at the agency who is making the decision. They need to know how close those two siblings are, and that they should be placed together.
I can’t think of what it would do to that little boy if he was ripped away from his sister.
They also need to know that your sister is neglecting his medical needs.
ADHD is an issue in the brain that can require medication for some individuals; the fact that she isn’t even getting him evaluated is cruel. They also need to know about your sister’s pattern of rehoming animals when they’re no longer cute or whatever her reasoning is.
The daughter may act out badly after losing her brother, and it would be tragic for her to be placed elsewhere later when she and her brother could’ve been placed together.
As for shaming your sister, that’s up to you. If you think that you can convince her to give up them both, then try. If it’s better to say nothing to her and let the decision come from the agency – if it works that way – then you’ll avoid conflict with your sister.
Definitely protect those kids!” HeatherReadsReddit
Another User Comments:
“So OP is using the past tense, so can’t tell if they already did it and don’t want to admit it.
I would say, YTJ.
Shaming others rarely does any good.
And it’s not your family. I get you have experience raising a child with ADHD and behavioral issues, but it’s not your family. They are responsible for their family and have to make their decisions.
Now, you could keep asking how you can help. And you already mentioned they haven’t sought medical help for the kid? That sounds odd. Cuz if they’re foster kids, I feel like social services would be all over that and helping them get that done.
So, maybe instead of shaming them (which doesn’t help), ask questions like ‘hey do your kids have a social worker you can reach out to? If not, can you request one?’
A social worker may be able to help get medical appointments and help with transportation, and they could also discuss where the ‘problem areas’ are for the family and maybe find some community support.
That said, I know social services are swamped and not all social workers are created equally, but getting the kids a diagnosis and treatment could really help. So I would maybe ask about that — vs shaming.
If your sibling decides their family can’t do it, that’s a REALLY hard decision for them that they have to bear. They don’t need you shaming them for it.” Avatorn01
Another User Comments:
“Honestly there are some siblings that don’t do well in a home together because they have a trauma bond and they are truly toxic together.
They may have survival behaviors that cause one to be awful to the other, etc. If they are indeed brother and sister, this could happen and there are times when it’s in the best interest of the kids to split them up.
The girl might not be thriving at all because of her brother or it could be the sister and for the brother to be successful he needs to be moved. I can’t say what the real situation is here but the Foster agency might know more than you do about what’s going on with these kids.
I do agree that siblings should be kept together at all costs… almost.
I think before you say anything, you have to admit you don’t know the complete situation.
Sometimes siblings where the parents are working on the plan and the agency anticipates that the parents will get them back are split up at times for strategic reasons and for more of a therapeutic environment but they will be reunited in the end.
A foster agency isn’t going to split up siblings just because one family wants to adopt one and not the other. There has to be something more to the story. Agencies would have moved both children together to someone else if it was a matter of only picking and choosing and not a foster agency taking into account what is making children thrive or not thrive.
There are sibling groups that are split up and they regularly see each other even though they don’t live together, especially if it’s a large family and it’s really hard to place them all together at once
Do you know for sure if they are the only siblings? They could be half-siblings and the brother’s full-sibling could be somewhere else and he’s going to be with them. Who knows.” JustVisitingHere4Now
1. AITJ For Turning My Partner Against His Mother?
“I met my partner about 2.5 years ago (we are both 27 now). I have never met his parents in person since they live in another country. We thought about a guest visit tho but now there are very strict health restrictions and we would have to spend 14 days in isolation which we simply cannot afford yet.
Also, I never spoke to them over the phone – my partner never suggested it and I am terribly awkward at such things so I am pretty okay with it. So basically I don’t know his parents and only know what he says about them.
From what he said I know that his father is a pretty soft and polite person but his mother is much more authoritarian and she does not tolerate anything she considers ‘wrong’.
We moved in together 4 months since we started being together. Sometimes my partner looked upset after his parents called. When I asked what was the matter, it was always his mother.
Seems like she wasn’t very happy with her son and his life and career choices and always criticized him. Such calls repeated once or twice a week and soon I began to grow dislike for her.
A couple of months later my partner started talking about us moving to the country his parents live in. I felt something was off – of course, it was his mom’s idea.
I really really didn’t want to move away from my beautiful city and I also didn’t want us to be closer to his mom because I felt she was emotionally dangerous.
I thought that he would change his mind if his relationship with his mother would get worse. I’m not a great manipulator but I did my best. There was already a lot of tension between them, and I tried very hard to turn this spark into a fire.
I was very supportive and I never said anything plain rude about his mom but I gave a LOT of subtle hints that she was a witch. I encouraged him to talk about everything that bothered him every time he was reliving and rethinking her words once again.
I don’t know if I have really played a role or if it was supposed to happen anyway but they had a MASSIVE fight several months later and are not talking since then.
Of course, I was supportive of that too but inside I was insanely relieved.
My partner stopped talking about moving anywhere. He still talks to his father and with that I am okay.
Sometimes I see that my partner is unhappy about what happened and he would love to have stereotypical family meetings and holidays and stuff. I know my opinion matters a lot to him so if I suggested he should try to make up he would have agreed.
But I seriously don’t want to bring it up and I don’t believe this is gonna bring anything good so I just make the most sympathetic face every time he says that mom was saying something again in the background.
AITJ for that?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
‘I’m not the best manipulator’ what makes you think you’re not the jerk in this situation? You don’t know his mom, you don’t know how she is, and only hear his side of the story and how she sounds on the phone.
You’ve never made an effort to call her yourself or get to know her.
You should’ve minded your business. Parent-kid relationships are between them and could often be misinterpreted by bystanders.” zZombi__
Another User Comments:
“You’re definitely the jerk, you haven’t even given yourself a chance to meet his mom.
Maybe he’s not telling you why his mom is so hard on him. I wouldn’t want my brother with someone who willingly turns him against his family because when you’re gone his family is still gonna be there.
Shame on you girl that’s wrong.” Useful-Maximum-8824
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You flat-out admitted to passively aggressively manipulating your partner to the best of your abilities. How would you not be the jerk? You could be misreading the situation entirely and while you have a right not to want to move, you should simply have an adult conversation and come to a mutual agreement or part ways. That’s how adults handle things, not by trying to manipulate.” User
His support system may have supported this outcome, but that's sometimes precisely what children of toxic people require - an outside perspective to reassure them that nonsense like that is neither normal nor okay.
Would it have been nice for OP to have met her before drawing certain conclusions about her? Sure, but given mom's proposal for their first meeting would have resulted in her stuck in a new place with no support system but her ground-down partner and his parents, I suspect she's dodged a curious of a bullet.
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