People Ask Us Exactly What We're Thinking About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
14. AITJ For Wanting To Turn My Sister's Office Into My Bedroom?
“I, m36, have recently become single and she kicked me out of the house because the house belonged to her and she paid for it.
I currently don’t have a job so couldn’t pay a deposit to rent a flat. I asked my sister, Janet (f32) if I could move in with her temporarily.
She wasn’t happy at first but after our mum spoke to her, she agreed.
The issue is, she only gave me the couch and not a bedroom. She lives alone, in a 3-bed flat. The issue is, she converted 2 of her bedrooms into her offices because she runs a business from home. She had her computers in one room and stuff she was selling in another.
Frankly, I think it’s excessive so I asked her to combine the rooms and allow me to have some privacy and my own bedroom.
I even offered to move everything on my own so she wouldn’t have to carry heavy things.
She refused. I told her she’s always been spoiled and didn’t need 3 rooms for herself.
She said it’s her house and I can sleep on the couch or go to mum’s (which she knows I won’t do).
I told her she was a selfish jerk. I thought I could get to her and have been asking every day but instead of finally agreeing, she threatened to kick me out of the house.
My mum is on my side but my dad and sister think I’m the jerk. I think she is because she doesn’t have any compassion.
I told my mates and they’re kind of split so I need a stranger’s unbiased opinion before knowing how I’m going to proceed. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
You don’t have a job. You’re not paying rent.
You are a couch surfer. So you crash on the couch. That’s how it works. Your sister knows that if she starts treating you like a paying renter you will quickly become too comfortable with your $0 rent and never leave. Plus, your sister uses those rooms to make income. Income that she is currently using in part to support you.
You are a mooch, my dude. You pay nothing but expect to be given everything. You are a man in your mid-30s. Get a job, start saving, and find a bedroom to rent as your sister does not currently have any available. But if you want a free housing situation, you’ll have to take what is offered: couch or mom’s.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but I do kind of understand how you don’t see it.
But she was pressured or guilted into taking you in, and now she has a 36-year-old man living in her home that she runs a business out of. Like it or not, you’re disrupting her life and she’s gracious enough to let you.
You’d be unemployed and unhoused if not for her, and your response is “Rearrange your home to make this easier for me.” She started a business and got her own home with plenty of room, and she has every right as an adult to use her own home as she pleases.
Get your crap together, get a job, and get yourself out of her home. If there’s a spoiled child in your family, it’s not the one who built her own business and got a nice home while you were living in a girl’s place and not even working.” Delica
Another User Comments:
Are you kidding me right now?
You pay no rent? You have no job? You eat, sleep, and live for free at a sibling’s place…
And your complaint is that your sibling (who is entirely supporting you) won’t sacrifice her business to support you MORE… YTJ. Big time.
And you think that you get to be a choosing beggar who turns up your nose at your mom’s place and is too good to sleep on a couch but at age 36 can’t be bothered to contribute financially in any situation (not with a partner, not to a sibling, not to a parent). Nope. Not how that works.
And you think harassing her every day to treat you like a roommate (which you ARE NOT) is going to get you anything other than kicked out?
You want privacy? It costs money you don’t have.
You’re going to get kicked out of your sister’s place. And frankly, she should have kicked you out already.” JetItTogether
13. AITJ For Pretending Not To Recognize My Birth Parents When They Got In Contact With Me?
“I was raised mostly by my uncle and aunt. My older sister developed a serious illness when I was 6 and my parents decided that they couldn’t care for both of us I guess, so they kind of unceremoniously dumped me at my grandparents and my uncle took me in. Like, didn’t even explain to me what was going on, just “You’re going to go visit Gran for a while” and never picked me back up.
My grandparents and uncle explained it later, and they were pretty livid at my parents. I’ve seen my parents maybe 5 times since then and not at all for the last 9 years. I decided to stop having contact with them when I was 12 and since I was the only one reaching out all communication broke down. It turned out ok, I love my aunt and uncle and it turns out they can’t have kids so they’ve always said I’m their miracle kid, I was just misrouted by the stork at first.
I was formally adopted by them when I turned 18, I wish it had been earlier but there were some red tape things that would have made that really expensive and difficult. I’m 21 now.
My sister passed away between Thanksgiving and Christmas and I made a trip back from school for the funeral, but I stayed in the back and left before my bio parents could talk to me.
They called my uncle to try to talk to me, but I said I didn’t want to so he told them that I wasn’t available at the moment.
They finally caught up to me over Christmas when I went to midnight mass with my gran and approached me and tried to give me a hug. I did recognize them, but I pretended not to and just backed off and said “Sorry, do I know you?” They said “We’re your parents!” and I said “My parents are at home,” and went and sat down with my gran.
They sat behind us and I could just feel the stare, and on the way out they were like “You really don’t recognize us?” And I said “Oh, are you my dad’s brother? I think I remember you from when I was little.”
My gran thinks they deserved it trying to come back to me like nothing happened, but they wrote me a long letter about how hurt they are and how I should understand that they were trying to do the right thing and how they’ll always be my parents and I can’t change that.
Other family members think I was too harsh as they’re grieving, but I don’t think they should get a pass just because they remembered me now that my sister is gone.”
Another User Comments:
Look, my brother suffered a horrible burn that darn near killed him when he was 15 and I was 13. He likely only survived and has a good quality of life because medicine had come a long way for burns by 2001.
I spent 6 months living with my Aunt and Uncle in another state because the Shriner’s hospital was an over 4-hour drive from our house and my dad was in the military so he could only take so much time off. So my mom lived with my brother full time at the hospital while my dad would drive down on the weekends while going to work during the week.
It was too difficult to keep me in school back home and they thought, since my Aunt and Uncle offered, I’d have a better time living with them. And I did. I had my drama over it for a bit, but I grew up and realized that was the best-case scenario.
But I would go visit my family in Texas, they would call when they could.
I knew what was going on with my brother. And then I moved back after school ended in June and thankfully we all moved back home in August.
At no point did my parents abandon me because my brother was at death’s door. They did need to give more to him, but we talked about it. And he’s required special care since then.
But my parents never abandoned me.
They absolutely could have kept you and loved you if they had wanted to. They could have had your Uncle look after you for a year or w/e, kept in touch, and let you know it was just temporary through the worst of it. But they decided your sibling was all they wanted to take care of and they abandoned you.
And they’ve only tried to get in touch after your sibling has died.
They don’t care about you.
They deserve far worse than what you said to them. Don’t feel bad about pretending to not recognize them. They didn’t raise you. They didn’t love you.
Make sure your grandma and others know you want nothing to do with them. Hold your ground. You owe them nothing.
And if, in the future, you change your mind, that is your prerogative.
I wish you the best!” signycullen88
Another User Comments:
“They aren’t trying to do the right thing. If they were trying to do the right thing, it wouldn’t have taken your sister dying for them to speak to you.
They are reconnecting solely to try and fill the hole left by your sibling’s death and to try and tell themselves they’re good parents when they are not.
They wanted a life with one kid, and they got it.
It sucks that your sister was sick. But if your family was loving enough to take you in, surely they were loving enough to help your parents keep you and care for you if that’s what your parents actually wanted – Maybe you’d have spent summers or holidays with family other than your parents, but certainly not over a decade of your life.
If nothing else, maintaining bare minimum contact with you would have been nice, but they chose the out of sight out of mind guilt-free approach.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – who dumps their 6-year-old off at relatives and just continues to live life as if they only have 1 child, barely acknowledge OP during most of his life, and now that their chosen child has sadly passed, they want to get OP back into their lives? That’s screwed up on so many levels.
That’s nothing an apology can fix. Quite frankly. I don’t think this situation is fixable at all. Other people have sick children as well and don’t just hand off “spare” ones. You have to be a special kind of jerk to abandon your 6-year-old kid and not even try to keep in contact.
OP your reaction was 100% appropriate considering how they treated you your whole childhood, your aunt and uncle deserve to be called your parents, not the people who dropped you off and never picked you back up, you are not responsible to help them in any way shape or form to deal with their grief because they clearly didn’t give a crap about you until they lost your sister. If they wanted to have you in their lives, they could have figured it out. Putting all the blame on your sister’s illness is just cowardly.” throwaway19737893374
12. AITJ For Telling My Biological Son That I Never Wanted To Be A Mother?
“I had a son 18 years ago. My husband at the time pressured me into having a child despite knowing that I never wanted children. He then passed away in an accident and I was left alone with a child that I knew I could never care for like he deserved. I gave him up when he was a year old.
I’ve tried my best to not think about him and have been… living. I remarried and am alright.
Well, he recently reached out and made it very clear he wasn’t interested in a relationship. We met at a restaurant and he seemed very defensive and there was quite a lot of tension. He asked me a couple of questions about certain mental illnesses running in the family and I answered all of them.
While I was getting ready to leave, I asked him if he goes to college/university. Just to get rid of some tension. He said he does and he even got a volleyball scholarship. I was a volleyball player too and got a scholarship for the same school.
I told him what I mentioned, called it a cool coincidence. He rolled his eyes at me and said “It isn’t a coincidence if you’re my biological mother.”
I didn’t know what to say to that.
He continued, “What? Is it too much for you to handle? I’m sorry for having something in common with you, my actual mother. My bad for being born.”
I said I was sorry but he kept rolling his eyes. I began to feel overwhelmed and I know this isn’t fair for me to say, but he was beginning to remind me of his father and I ended up saying “look I’m sorry but I never wanted to be a mother, you’re allowed to be angry but please understand that I was forced into having a child I never wanted.”
He went “way to play the victim” before storming off.
Safe to say, I feel terrible. The only people who know about this are my mother and sister and even they said that I was only thinking about myself in that moment and I shouldn’t have brought up anything and just answered his questions. They said that I made it about myself when it was clear that the kid was having a hard time facing me already.
My sister even implied that I was a little self-centered. Maybe this isn’t the best place to ask but I’m too ashamed to talk about this to anyone else. My sister also said it wouldn’t hurt, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I have experience on several sides of this kind of situation (as a bio mom, sister to a brother who was adopted out and then reunited but not embraced by our mother, and daughter of a dad who didn’t want to be a dad and dipped).
I have a firm belief from all these experiences that just because something is true (to you) doesn’t mean it needs to be shared (with the other person). I have a good relationship with my daughter (open adoption) but there are things that I would never ever share with her. They would only hurt her and not knowing won’t cause any damage.
Sometimes I tell her a version that is best for her, the kindest version.
Same with my brother. My mom did a lot of what you did when they reunited. It really hurt him to hear. I’ve built a separate relationship with him and it’s taken a lot of work to help him get over her “technically but emotionally harmful” statements. My mother is narcissistic and how she dealt with the reunification screamed that.
A better phrasing might have been something like “I wasn’t capable of raising a child and made a decision that was best for you”. Not capable due to lack of wanting to – but much less cruel for the son to hear.
Think before you talk. This is a human with feelings.” allsilentqs
Another User Comments:
“He was a year old. He wasn’t a newborn.
He’d grown to know you and love you and, even if you surrendered and relinquished your rights with love, he was abandoned by the only caretaker he knew. You are not wrong for needing to relinquish your rights and allowing a family to adopt, care for and love him, but HE is not wrong for feeling abandoned and upset about that.
You have to remember, he’s 18 and has a LOT of strong feelings along with teenage angst – were you, at 17/18, ready and willing to understand and feel empathy for the complex emotional turmoil of the adults in your life that hurt you? Prob not. It can take a very long time for an adopted person to stop being angry, if ever and you are the adult in the situation here.
I’m sure meeting him brought back a lot of those feelings you had 18 years ago – scared, alone, regretful, resentful even which is where your response came from. But you came to it as even partners and he came into it being the child of an adult. You’re expecting too much from him at this moment – even though he’s an adult, he’s not YOUR adult.
I’m going with nobody’s the jerk.” SunshineSeriesB
Another User Comments:
“Everyone saying “but you just told him the truth!” apparently doesn’t understand the importance of a brain-mouth filter, or that tact is a thing that exists. So it’s true that she never wanted him (or any child), but does it help or hurt him to know that? Is there a way to frame it that would hurt him less – and if so, isn’t that clearly preferable? Even saying that you didn’t feel like you would make a good parent to any child is less personally hurtful than “I never wanted you.”
And I do think there’s a distinction to be made between giving up a baby for adoption immediately after birth (when you haven’t bonded with or gotten to know the child at all) and giving up a toddler who would absolutely already have bonded with their caregiver and would therefore be traumatized by the experience.
And looking back as an 18-year-old, such an adoptee is far more likely to feel personally rejected and abandoned than one who was adopted out immediately.
None of this is to say you made the wrong decision or did anything maliciously. It’s clear that you were coerced into having a child that you were in no way prepared to raise. But I am going to (gently) vote YTJ because I think what you said showed a lack of consideration and empathy for his feelings and perspective.
In my opinion, it would be worth discussing this in therapy and maybe keeping the door open with him for future communication.
(And for everyone saying that he said he didn’t want a relationship – maybe, but I think it’s just as likely that this was a preemptive reject-you-so-you-can’t-reject-me; in fact, some of his anger may have been because part of him was hoping she would want to reconnect with him.)” LocoForChocoPuffs
11. AITJ For Being Upset At My Sister For Treating Her Child Better Than She Treated Me As A Child?
“My sister took my brothers and me in when we were just (4f, 5m, 6m) and she was only 19 at the time and did sacrifice a lot for us including her partner she had been with since she was 12 who broke up with her when he found out that she’d be applying for custody of us because he wasn’t ready to take on such a responsibility.
My sister at one point in time was working 3 jobs to even be able to provide for us, I never went without food or clothes, or even toys.
But the one thing I went without was growing up in a nurturing environment, my sister was always stressed and irritable, I also felt like she had resentment towards us at times for having to be stuck with us rather than pursuing her dreams.
Like for example if we did something as small as spilling a glass of milk or breaking something she’d have an overreaction yell, and lecture us about how hard she works to get it and how we need to stop being so careless even if it was just an accident.
My sister is now doing much better in life and no longer has to work and is happily married, she has a 2-year-old and is pregnant with her 2nd, I saw how she treats them and I can tell she loves them very much, I even watched her toddler spilled a glass a milk and she was so calm and loving about it, she even jumped on this new gentle parenting trend.
She wasn’t like that with me so I called her out on it in front of my brothers and her husband. I told her that it was unfair that I didn’t get the gentle side of her rather I got the harsh and cold side of her when I (17) was just a child. She was shocked to hear me say that and started crying saying she did her best with what she had.
My brothers surprisingly stood up for her and told me that if she was that bad, then why am I still living with her and that she was an amazing caretaker and took us when our own mother abandoned us so how could I be so selfish and accuse her of any less?
It got really contentious so my sister ended up excusing herself to her room but in the end, my brother whom I’m really close to is angry with me.
So now I’m here wondering if I was wrong for calling my sister out.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Let’s recap: at 19, your sister took sole custodianship of her 3 siblings, a task that very few 19-year-olds would even be capable of, let alone willing to do. From your description, she basically killed herself making sure you all got by and apparently did well enough that you are all still around and that she was able to finally start focusing on herself and start her own family after giving up all of her 20s for you.
And you’re calling her out for not being perfect at a huge responsibility that she never should have had to take on in the first place?
I hope this is fake because I’m absolutely disgusted by it.
The only excuse here is that you’re still too young to fully understand the weight of this kind of responsibility. But think about it this way, in 2 years, would you be ready to fully care for 3 young children and provide for them while not being stressed out? If not, then go apologize.” mubi_merc
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go against the grain and say nobody’s the jerk, and here’s why:
You and all your siblings went through a trauma.
Your trauma was being separated from your parents, missing out on the nurturing, loving home every child deserves. Obviously, your bio parents couldn’t give that to you, (speaking as someone who was a foster parent) our foster system is so entirely screwed that it was very unlikely the three of you would have been placed in a loving, nurturing, foster/adopt home together.
Heck, even being individually placed might not have given you and your siblings that – even with all safeguards in place, mistreatment in foster homes is rampant. You are (rightfully) pining for something you SHOULD have had, as all children SHOULD have, if we lived in a fair world. You then see your sister giving to her children what you SHOULD have had, and it’s understandable that fills you with rage.
It’s not fair that you didn’t get what she is only now able to give.
At 17, it’s hard to imagine yourself in two years taking on what your sister did – three young children entirely dependent on you, working three jobs, giving up dreams and relationships. Working three jobs alone is exhausting, let alone coming home and taking care of three little ones after, let alone when you are still at an age where your frontal lobe (the thing in your brain that helps control emotions and judgments) won’t fully develop for another five years.
Your sister was exhausted, trying to keep it all together, and physiologically not at a point where rational thoughts and emotions were fully developed. Imagine the most exhausting day you’ve ever had, where you slog through the day just dreaming about getting in bed, where you struggle to keep your eyes open, where everything in your body hurts, and coming into a spilled glass of milk when all you want is to escape.
That was likely your sister’s every day. Was it fair that she couldn’t keep her emotions in check? No, but I say that it wasn’t fair to you OR her.
Now, your sister is fully developed brain-wise. She has a partner who (hopefully) takes on parenting duties as well, someone who she can lean on to be able to take over when she needs to escape and rest.
She doesn’t work three jobs so she has more energy and is able to think rationally when the unexpected (spilled glass of milk) happens. She is not consistently exhausted and is able to actually think through her emotions and actions.
I think you do owe your sister an apology, but I’m going to stick with my judgment because I agree it wasn’t fair to you (but it also wasn’t fair to her).
I think it would be worth going to therapy to work through this, both solo and with your sister.” Apprehensive_Gene787
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your sister was a child, only 2 years older than you are now, who took on THREE children. She had to work, and juggle childrearing and was not in an emotional or mental state to take all that responsibility on, yet she did.
She is the reason you and your siblings remained together in one home. She is older and more mature and has learned. News flash, every parent makes mistakes. Almost no 19-year-old would put their future on hold and sacrifice to raise 3 young children that their mother (so she clearly had a poor role model) abandoned.
You owe your sister one heck of an apology. If you have anger regarding your childhood, direct it to your mother. She is the failure, your sister was the hero.” HappyLifeCoffeeHelps
10. AITJ For Putting My Dog To Sleep Instead Of Getting Him Surgery?
Sometimes the best thing to do isn’t always the easiest.
“I (29F) was never allowed to have a pet as a child. My mom is not a huge animal person and my dad swore off getting close to any other animals after losing his beloved childhood dog. I have always loved animals and would beg my parents for a pet for every birthday and holiday from the time I was 4 years old.
The answer was always no, until I was 13, and the answer was finally yes. So long as I agreed to be the main caretaker. I obviously excitedly agreed and was then introduced to my new best friend, Theo. He was a schnauzer with the most beautiful little face you could ever imagine. I immediately loved him more than anything and we spent all of our time together.
I walked him before and after school, fed him breakfast and dinner, gave him baths, and he slept in my bed with me every night. We’ve never been apart longer than a week. He’s been my best friend and honestly my baby. I love him so much that it hurts.
About a year ago I met my now partner at a bar and we hit it off immediately.
He took to Theo instantly and loved him like his own.
Theo got older and with that came new ailments and illnesses. Last week, I noticed he was pooping blood so I rushed him to the emergency vet, and they diagnosed him with severe pancreatitis and he had to be admitted overnight. When I picked him up the vet said the next 24 hours would be critical.
I stayed up all night making sure he was breathing. He was very lethargic all the next day. In the middle of the next night, he woke up yelping. I rushed him back to the vet & he had a new infection & internal bleeding. They said they could do surgery, but at his age, the risk of him dying in the surgery was very high.
I tried to call my partner many times, but he sleeps with his sound off so I got no answer. I called my dad and he picked up and I just burst into tears. My dad comforted me and told me to do what I thought was best, but in his opinion, Theo shouldn’t live in pain and it would be better to be with him when he passed than let him die alone in surgery.
I made the decision it was best for Theo to put him to sleep peacefully. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I held him the whole time. It was so fast. I immediately vomited when I got home. I lay on the floor with his toys and just sobbed until morning.
My partner rushed over when he woke up and saw my messages.
He came in & said “Did you really do it?” I just nodded yes and he got angry. He started saying things like “How could you do that to him?” and “he trusted you.” He thinks I should’ve gotten a second opinion and tried the surgery. He says I abandoned him when he needed me most. I feel like I did too.
I let my baby down and I took his life from him. He’s also mad I didn’t try harder to reach him.
I don’t know maybe I should’ve waited but my baby was in pain and I just wasn’t thinking about anything else. I miss Theo so much it hurts to breathe sometimes and I don’t know if I did the wrong thing.
Another User Comments:
“Oh no. It’s one of the greatest kindnesses we afford to our pets, at the cost of our own happiness. What you did was selfless and out of love. You didn’t put him down because his sickness was annoying you or because you had enough of taking care of him. You did it because keeping him alive would be very cruel.
This wasn’t ever your fault. It’s just one of those crappy things in life that everyone with a pet has to deal with. It’s a great unfairness in life that our pets don’t live as long as we do, but it’s an even greater unfairness to force life on someone or something who would genuinely be better off without it.
Your partner was way out of line, saying all this.
Theo wasn’t his dog and if keeping a suffering dog alive for his own gratification is the kind of man he is, I would recommend not getting a pet with him and rethinking this whole relationship, especially with how he’s treating you while you’re grieving.
Theo had a very happy life with you. He knew you loved him and he loved you right back.
It won’t undo your hurt, but you will always be his extra favorite human. Dogs are very good at picking up on love and the love you have for him leapt off the screen. He also knew you wanted to help him and that you were on his side. What a lucky boy to have so much love.
Another User Comments:
As a person that put quite a few pets to sleep. Would you feel better watching Theo dying slowly? Being in pain and crying daily? Unable to eat, hold food, or stay awake? Or not even having time to say goodbye and just losing him?
I don’t think so. You want to give them the best. And the best is a good healthy life and knowing when they can no longer be alive.
Understanding that they can’t be alive forever and that it’s good to have respect for the end of the circle of life. That it’s better to hold him, cry, tell him you love him a lot, and put him to sleep. Then spend agonizing months and days for you and him when he won’t be able to eat and watch him die slowly.
The dog trusted you to offer him the best you could. And that is what you did. You didn’t let him down. You took care of him. You cared enough for him to understand that he was hurting and that this was the best thing you could do to take him out of pain. You didn’t take his life out of him.
He was sick and he would die sooner than you think. Instead, you decided to not let him die in pain and agony. How is that a bad thing for your partner?” Charming_Miss
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner seems to have had unrealistic expectations for a “miracle” and passes his moral judgment on you for making the decisions that needed to be made.
Even with humans the “my 94-year-old grandma (who is in cardiac arrest and has cancer and multi-organ failure) is a fighter! She’ll come out of it fine! Do full life-saving measures!” is just leaving someone lingering in horrible pain for your own selfish reasons/desires.
If you truly cared, you don’t wanna watch someone (even your dog) linger on in pain that will only get worse.
Your dog was 14? At least? I had a similar situation where my dad wanted no animals let alone a dog but I got my mom in 2nd grade to agree to a GSD at the SPCA. My dad said only if I was the one to take care of it. And I did til we put her to rest at 14.
She had been in kidney failure and we were giving her IVs and she wasn’t herself.
Then all of a sudden… she miraculously got better… for like a week tops. Then was worse than before. I was distraught no one was doing anything, got her in my car, and took her to the vet who said it was over. Sure, they could try different things.
But it was gonna cost a lot and be like a band-aid on a gunshot. So finally, I broke down and did it. I was there while she was put down and it was better than watching her struggle with daily/simple things like up/down steps.
I hope you realize he is the jerk and not you, you did what was right.” Marquisdelafayette89
9. AITJ For Choosing My Dog Over My Partner And Her Brother?
“I 23M lived with my partner “Ann” 22F and my dog “Bo.” Recently Ann’s brother “Al” 25M got laid off from work and couldn’t afford to pay rent anymore. Ann asked if Al could stay with us and I didn’t see why not. Ann isn’t on speaking terms with her parents and I assumed Al probably also wasn’t and didn’t have another place to go.
Plus I really loved Ann and I wanted to show her how important she was to me.
Here is the issue: Ann told me Al had a mild dog allergy. When I initially spoke with both of them I said I would do my best to accommodate but would not, under any circumstances, get rid of Bo. Both understood and Al said his allergy wasn’t too bad.
Al moved in and to be honest he wasn’t a great roommate. He didn’t seem to be in a hurry to move out, as he spent most of his time sleeping and playing video games instead of looking for work. He didn’t pitch in for chores and let laundry pile up in his room, then acted confused when I told him he had to do his own laundry.
He ate the food we cooked but did not help with cooking or buying groceries. Worst, he ordered lots of fast food for himself and left wrappers, bags, and old food in his room which made the whole apartment smell.
After a month or so, Al said his allergies were getting worse and asked me to consider putting Bo in a shelter.
I said absolutely not, but Ann said we should consider getting rid of Bo to accommodate her brother’s needs. I said no and we would not be discussing this further. She called me a jerk for “choosing my dog over my family.”
That’s when I snapped. I said Al is not family and he has been nothing but a hassle for the past month, and that if she wants to babysit her older brother she can find her own place.
She has no legal right to stay here because my name is on the lease and I pay rent (Ann is in grad school and does not make enough to afford a decent apartment on her own). She tried again to convince me that I should prioritize Al over Bo, so I gave her an ultimatum. Either Al is gone in twenty-four hours or I kick BOTH of them out.
Bo stays no matter what. Both have since moved out, and while Ann and I are not officially broken up, I haven’t heard from her in a few days.
I know this may sound harsh but Bo IS my family. He has been with me through some of my hardest times and he is a rescue, which means he was already abandoned once, and I will NOT let that happen again.
I feel nothing for Al and, while I thought I loved Ann, her willingness to get rid of someone I love as much as her, made my feelings change. When I explained this to my parents and sister, however, they said I should have at least considered getting rid of Bo to accommodate Al, and that they could even take care of Bo themselves so he didn’t have to go to a shelter.
They said if I saw Ann as family, which I did at one point, I should be able to make sacrifices. But that was a sacrifice I wasn’t willing to make. Does that make me the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You stated clearly that getting rid of the dog was never an option. Your dog, your house, your rules.
If you love Ann, and she loved you back, the respect of boundaries, such as We Are Keeping the Dog would be without question.
Her regard was toward her brother and his allergies, and not towards you and your love for this dog.
It might be better to just consider this a hill to die on and move on. You love your pet, and your partner should also love him just as much, and not immediately suggest the shelter instead of asking a friend/family first.
Your parents I think just want to help with some damage control because they don’t want you to ruin your relationship over a pet.
But, if Bo is that worth it, and your feelings towards Ann have shifted, then don’t worry about their suggestions. Just tell them that it’s a deal breaker and you deserve better.” StonedMajo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Absolutely not. So you were the only one supporting BOTH of them financially? That’s ridiculous. And it’s even MORE ridiculous for them to make a demand as big as getting rid of your dog while they were living under your roof on your dime.
You also made that condition clear when you allowed him to stay with you.
I could understand your family’s perspective IF 1. Al was actually a good guest, contributing to the household, and actively working on getting a job and moving out, and 2. Ann and Al had approached you with a better plan and a compromise like “he’s in the last stages of an interview and about to get an offer, he found an apartment, he should be out by the end of the month, but his allergies are starting to get bad, is there any way Bo could stay with your parents or your sister for a few weeks?” THAT I would consider a reasonable sacrifice/compromise to help out a serious partner.
But that’s clearly not the case.
I don’t think you sound harsh at all. I would honestly break up with someone just for seriously suggesting that I get rid of my cats permanently. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love my cats, so if someone told me I should get rid of them I would have to assume they just don’t care about me at all.” CumulativeHazard
Another User Comments:
Honestly, I’m only going to pipe up here because I have had a similar roommate – he was the best man in our wedding.
While he never mentioned us rehoming our cats, (His butt would have been grass for that.) he was just as disgusting as you are describing – well, honestly a little worse because he worked as a welder and would leave nasty black handprints on everything to boot.
He lived with us for quite a while, never got on the lease, smoked in the house (which both we and the lease expressly forbid), and never contributed to cleaning or cooking.
We kicked him out after his car got repoed and he destroyed mine, accusing me of “taking advantage of his finances” when asked to fix it or just pay the KBB.
(Gas in an old diesel – blew out the fuel pump, the injectors, the carburetor, and all the fuel lines.) He tried to guilt us saying he would be homeless, but he also broke the rental stove shortly after.
You know where he is now? He still lives in the basement of our friend’s place. They have mice and bugs because of him.
There is mold growing on every wall and door in his room. The beige carpet has a black stripe because of him. There are blackberry vines growing through the wall in his room. It’s been 6 years.
He’ll never move out unless forced. He’s a taker and a jerk. Nothing he does is ever wrong.
Sounds like your partner’s brother is the same. I am glad you escaped it in only a month and didn’t waste a bunch of time on them.” Embarrassed_Bat_88
8. AITJ For Cutting My Wife's Birthday Party Short After My Brother's Wife Announced Her Pregnancy?
There’s a time and a place…
“My (28M) wife “Anna” (28F) and I were expecting, she was almost 3 months, we were really excited, we bought everything a baby needed, and talked a lot about our future with the baby. August 23rd, 2022, my wife woke me up in tears, she tossed her blanket off from her legs to show me a big patch of blood, staining the sheets.
We had a really hard time accepting the fact, but Anna was much more affected, she would cry in our bed for at least 4 hours every day, she wouldn’t eat, and she would say awful things about herself and her “useless body”. I had tried to console her to the best of my abilities but I was grief-stricken myself and couldn’t say the right words to her.
It took 4 months of therapy for us to gradually start feeling better, Anna was smiling more, she was still a little on edge, but she was doing good.
January 14th was Anna’s birthday and I wanted to make it really special for her, I invited our friends and family and cooked her favorite foods, I just wanted this day to be happy for her.
For context, our families know about the situation and the effect it had on Anna, especially my brother and SIL, as we had stayed in their house for a bit.
While everyone was eating the food my brother and SIL got up and told everyone that SIL was pregnant. After 4 seconds of silence, everyone in the room started congratulating them. I was stunned and turned to my wife having an emotionless expression until she smiled slowly and congratulated them, and hugged them both.
For a good 20 minutes, everyone couldn’t stop talking about pregnancy, baby names, and new baby toys. They could have easily announced this at their 5-year anniversary party which was just 2 weeks away, what was the point of announcing it on my wife’s birthday?
I noticed my wife get up and leave to go to our bedroom, I found her crying.
She told me she doesn’t want to go out now, that she doesn’t want to face them. I understood and quickly headed to the table, where everyone was done eating, talking as if they hadn’t noticed we’d left, I didn’t want to make a big scene so I told everyone kindly, that me and Anna had some plans for the evening and that we would have to cut this party short (that was the only thing that came to mind at that moment).
SIL comes walking towards me and starts yelling at me saying that I’m doing this because of her announcement, I tried telling her as calmly as possible that it wasn’t like that and this was supposed to be Anna’s birthday party, not some pregnancy announcement party.
I said my goodbyes, then 2 hours later, I get a message from my brother saying I was selfish and that I “shouldn’t be jealous just because we won’t be as careless as the two of you” careless as in implying that we had somehow caused the miscarriage even though we were incredibly careful.
I’m beyond frustrated.
Do you think I’m the jerk because of how I handled the situation?”
Another User Comments:
“OP, you are NTJ.
You simply need to let your brother know it’s not “jealousy” it’s the simple idea they felt it was ok to hijack your wife’s birthday party for their “announcement.” They lack manners, plain and simple.
However, the additional idea that you and your wife were “careless” and somehow responsible for her miscarriage is awful and requires a sincere apology.
I certainly hope that your brother and his wife don’t have to experience what you and your wife have gone through.
I would forward his terrible message to your parents and ask them if they are happy with this rude spiteful child they have raised.
On another note, let them also know because they believe it was ok to hijack your wife’s birthday party to make this announcement (which would have been very poor manners even if your wife hadn’t recently miscarried) and doubled down to add the spiteful comment that you and your wife are somehow careless and responsible for the loss of the baby is unforgivable and you will be going LC if not NC with them pending a sincere apology to you and your wife.
If you need to include that message to other members of the part, do so.” coloradogrown85
Another User Comments:
“Them solely announcing it at your wife’s birthday is sort of like someone proposing to their SO at your wedding reception – except so much worse, obviously, considering the grief involved.
I think you were a gentleman, not only to your wife but how you asked everyone to leave early.
I can’t imagine how painful it is for you to see your wife in so much pain and heartache.
I understand just from these paragraphs alone that you did not tell everyone to leave just because of their announcement, but purely for the sake of your grieving wife – and that’s what a man should do.
Your SIL’s self-absorbed reaction and your brother’s text are absolutely disgusting.
But I would expect that for someone that does such a thing without any consideration.
And to be honest – if I were at that party, knowing what happened.. yes, I would congratulate them cause… blindsided, but my eyes would be immediately looking at your wife and I would more than care about her feelings involved. I can’t believe no one noticed your absence and just continued talking about it so happily… on her birthday no less.
NTJ. Everyone else is.
And sorry from the bottom of my heart.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother and his wife are massive jerks. It’s incredibly rude to hijack someone else’s party or event to make a pregnancy announcement, it’s outright cruel to do so at a birthday party where the guest of honor has recently suffered a miscarriage.
Even then, you tried to be polite and kind and ended the party to comfort your wife without calling them out.
The fact SIL blew up at you tells me she knew what she did was messed up and that she and your brother looked like the jerks they were—because if I were there, I definitely would have thought it was tasteless for them to make the announcement instead of waiting.
Your wife was incredibly gracious and kind after the announcement and quietly removed herself without making a scene.
My heart aches for her.
Idk if this is right to say, but I would send a firm message telling him off: he and his wife could have waited to make their announcement but selfishly chose to hijack your wife’s party without any regard to what she or you might feel. They were cruel, thoughtless, and careless. To further double down and attack you for being “jealous” and saying the miscarriage was your guys’ fault is out of line and vile.
I’m very sorry for your loss and the reminder of it on your wife’s birthday.” TA32andstuck
7. AITJ For Attending A Concert While My Partner Stayed Home Watching The Kids?
“Some mutual friends of mine and my spouse’s recently asked if the two of us wanted to go to a concert with a small group. My partner said he was unsure at the time and I told our friends that we would think about it. A few weeks went by, I asked my partner again, and he said he wasn’t interested.
I mentioned that I would still like to go. I asked if he was cool with this because we have two small children and coordinating care takes effort. At the time he told me he was okay with it, but I waited to buy my ticket to make sure that I still wanted to go to the event. Fast forward a few weeks I told him I was buying my ticket, and again he did not say he was opposed.
Now it is a few days before the event and I could tell he is upset. When I asked him, he said that he was not looking forward to the evening because it is at bedtime and is a challenging time for our family. Our youngest is 2 months old and our oldest is 2.5y/o. Our toddler recently has had a sleep regression and you need to lay in bed with them until they are asleep which can take 30 minutes to 1 hour.
He said it was discourteous of me to buy the tickets knowing how difficult it will be to have both children by himself at bedtime. He said he has purposely avoided events that he wanted to go to because he did not want to leave me alone at this time. I agreed that was kind of him, but I wish he would have communicated this the several times I asked him about the concert the past few weeks.
I have been on maternity leave for 10 weeks and have been looking forward to a night out. I didn’t find the request unreasonable, although I do agree it can be challenging. Another detail is I have also been home alone with both children the last 4 days because of illness (I was ill while caring for the children) and our toddler not being able to go to daycare.
I did feel overwhelmed at the thought at first, hoping I would be able to entertain them and balance care. We ended up having a wonderful few days together, although yes, at times chaotic.
I offered to sell my ticket and he said he didn’t want me to do that. I told him that I would not go to the event if he was seriously overwhelmed and anxious about bedtime and evening by himself with the children.
I told him I understand it was a hard time of day but I would have not bought the tickets if I didn’t think that he could do it. Our lives are chaotic right now and it is hard with two small children. But I don’t think it’s unreasonable to leave the house for four to five hours one evening.
The last conversation we had he said, “I already know it’s going to be a terrible evening.”
Edit: My partner and I equally divide the workload for the kids, especially at night.
Neither of us has done bedtime solo, I think that’s what he’s specifically stressed about.
We have been actively trying to adjust to a normal bedtime routine for our toddler. They are in a regression. They have a new sibling in the house and it’s a big adjustment. We are trying our best to eventually not need to lay with them at bedtime.
It’s a temporary measure.
AITJ for leaving my partner solo to care for the toddler and baby at bedtime?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but as someone who has done bedtime by myself many times (Husband doesn’t get home from work until late) with kids that age, it is HARD and there were many times I had to run back and forth between the two rooms with each one crying every time I left to care for the other.
It is exhausting and stressful and while I do it every week for half the week and have for the past year, I still don’t look forward to it at all.
Personally, if neither of you has ever done it before, I’d start with putting on Ms Rachel on YouTube for your toddler, get the baby down to bed, then go back and put your toddler down to bed.
Also, sleep regressions are hard. We have a Yoto, a little audio story box that our toddler listens to and falls asleep to at night. It’s usually Winnie The Pooh and it helps her a LOT when we can’t be there to snuggle her like she wants.” ashari56x
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he’s literally a parent, why does he need help to take care of his own kids? I could understand if you were going out every day, but a concert for one night after you’ve been cooped up for ten weeks with small children?
I’m a mom of 5 and work full time and you best believe I leave the kids alone with my husband every once in a while to go on a hike or kayak or attend a work party.
I went back to work weekends when our youngest was 6 weeks old and he was alone for 12 hours at a time with a newborn and 4 kids all day but he figured it out without calling more than a couple times the first few weeks. My husband never complains. I do the same thing for him if he wants to have a break.
We’re doing it alone with 5 whole kids under 8 years old and he can’t handle two? What if you got sick or hurt and were hospitalized and gone for even longer than a day or two? Every parent needs to have some sort of experience of being with their kids on their own because you’re not always going to have someone there to help.
All parents deserve a break. It doesn’t matter who makes more salary, who pays more bills, or who has had it easier/harder. People losing identities outside of parenting and being an employee can make things a lot harder than they have to be. Just because you’re their mom doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice other things. If he had a problem, he should’ve mentioned it long before now and you could even offer a trade-off and let him go enjoy something while you watch the kids next time.
But no, go to your concert and enjoy yourself, Mom.” Immediate_Leg_7101
Another User Comments:
Your partner will be fine with two kids for one night unless he thinks the two of you can never be alone with the kids? But of course, he is okay with you being alone with the children, just not himself.
You need to have a conversation with him. First, you need to go to this concert.
He agreed to you going, you are looking forward to it, he will survive putting two children to bed. Be clear that he agreed to you going alone and you both need to be honest with each other and hold to your commitments.
The next part of the conversation is that he can’t hold it against you that he turned down activities without even talking to you about them.
The two of you are partners, and your family is a shared responsibility, and you both have to work together AND find time to be adults out in the world. You should each get some time to yourselves, time with just each other, and time as a family. Sure, there are time periods where that is harder (having an infant, when potty training is happening, etc), but when possible, you both need to get out and do stuff.
This is your chance to get out, for one evening. Sure, there might be chaos, but he can handle it, or he can ask a friend/family member to come over and help. What he cannot do is tell you that you can go, then get upset you are going, then mope around about how hard it will be before it even happens, and ruin your one night out. So YOU need to make sure you can be in the right frame of mind to actually go have fun and not deal with his emotions.” mfruitfly
6. AITJ For Refusing To Take A Widow Family Member On Our Couple's Vacation?
“I (F28) have been friends with Brittany (F28) since we were about five or six, and we are very close to this day. As part of having a friendship with me, she was around my brother (M, would be 30) quite a lot as children, and their romance blossomed as teenagers. They were married five years ago.
Unfortunately, my brother passed two years ago in a tragic accident and left behind a mountain of debt for Brittany.
She was eight months pregnant at the time and ended up moving in with my parents. She and her daughter, Lilac (2F), live with my parents to this day, and the family alternates watching Lilac so Brittany can get her degree. Everyone has really rallied around Brittany in such a trying time.
For Christmas, my husband (M30) bought an all-inclusive trip for him and me to explore Paris and have a romantic getaway.
I have always had France on my wish list, and I am so grateful to him for such a wonderful gift. We leave in February for two weeks, and it is honestly a dream come true.
I told my parents about the gift, and they then told Brittany, who called me in floods of tears asking that I take her instead of my husband.
She said that she will never be able to experience a romantic getaway like that with her own husband and that we (my husband and I) could just go again at another time. She said she gave up everything to raise Lilac and she would love for us to have a girls’ trip like we did when we were younger.
I told Brittany that that was not possible, this was a gift from my husband to me and I fully expected to have a romantic getaway with him.
Brittany told me that I was punishing her for being a widow and that it was unfair I would have a ‘love affair in Paris’ while she cried at my brother’s grave.
My husband thinks she is trying to make me feel guilty, but said he would step out of the trip if I would like to take Brittany. The thing is that I want to go with my husband, but my parents have since called to tell me that they would watch Lilac and that I should not rub my happy marriage in Brittany’s face.
My mom told me I would be selfish to leave a grieving widow over Valentine’s Day. Am I being a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As harsh as it may sound, the whole point of a romantic getaway is the romance. You won’t get that with your SIL. Instead, you’ll spend two weeks listening to her wishing that her husband/your brother was there to share it with her, especially if it falls during Valentine’s.
You will both spend the entire trip miserable.
It’s all well and good saying that your husband and you can go on another trip some other time, but if your brother’s passing proves anything it’s that life is too short to not spend time with your loved ones and make memories while you can.
If she’s that adamant that you two have a girl’s trip together suggest that the two of you go on a spa weekend.
Somewhere closer to home, less expensive, and at a less emotionally wrought time of the year.” mister_barfly75
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. AS A WIDOW MYSELF, NTJ, she is weaponizing her grief. I get it… I so get it but life has to go on. That was the hardest thing for me was getting up each day and seeing my husband’s face looking back at me with his blue eyes that dominate my daughter’s face.
He passed on her 15th birthday and I had to get through each day to be her mom. I cried at the slightest smell that reminded me of him or a song we loved. But the thing is, my grief should not take away from my daughter’s grief and well-being or my responsibility for that. Just like her grief should not take away from the grief of losing your brother nor should it take precedence over your love and your life with your husband.
Do not give into this please you should not be made to feel guilty unless you INTENTIONALLY rub your life in her face. Sorry for everyone’s loss and that you are being put into this situation.” Irishviking716
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! What happened to her is tragic and I’m so sorry for all of your losses but this is a special trip between you and your husband and I’m honestly so blown away that she invited herself and tried to guilt trip you and the family is okay with this? Absolutely do not take her, do not do this to your husband or yourself, you go with your husband and have a good time.
I’m honestly like flabbergasted she tried to guilt trip you like that, like you are allowed to be happy in your marriage and do all the amazing fun things and you should! She needs a lot of therapy but she doesn’t need to hijack your trip and if she went to therapy I’m sure they would tell her the same thing. I’m annoyed your parents acted that way too; now I feel invested in this. OP, I’m going to be disappointed now if you don’t go with your husband, lol. GO WITH YOUR HUSBAND!” FNGamerMama
5. AITJ For Not Allowing My Daughter's Partner To Propose After What He Said About My Son?
“My daughter “Jaelinn” and her partner ”James” (both 25) have been going out for two years, and he’s been living with my family for one. All this time, our families have come to know each other through word of mouth only. Despite living only a few miles away, we’ve never met in person.
I don’t ”dislike” James, but neither am I a fan.
He’s okay most of the time, but sometimes he treats Jaelinn poorly. He’s short-tempered with her, he orders her around too much, and he often speaks to her in a condescending tone. Perhaps equally disturbing, his attitudes toward just about everything are radically right-wing.
He’s not a “bad” person per se; he just has an unpleasant disposition in my opinion (most of the time) and is my polar opposite.
Jaelinn is nothing like him, either. I guess it’s true that opposites attract.
Through all this, my biggest problem with him is his attitude toward my son “Devon,” who’s bisexual. James never has said anything overtly hateful, but his phobias are obvious (rolling his eyes or snickering under his breath when he thinks no one’s looking). He says he isn’t against the lifestyle, but he doesn’t believe in it.
When I asked him why, he said, “It’s hard to explain.”
My daughter, for better or worse, is highly suggestible. She’s also a very easygoing individual who defers to him more often than she should.
A few weeks ago, James told me he was planning to propose to Jaelinn on Valentine’s Day and wanted to invite his family to the event. Naturally, I thought it would be wonderful for everyone to be in attendance, so I agreed.
But the last few weeks have been pure heck. The first remark: “Be sure you don’t turn on the television while my parents are here.” Followed by, “Don’t serve store-brand chips or soda for snacks.” “Don’t correct my parents’ grammar.” “Make sure the bathroom is clean”…
It’s been one thing after another. I finally said, “Look, you’re starting to make me mad.
How much of a moron do you think I am? Do you think I’ve never entertained before?” He laughed it off, saying he was just nervous and that he didn’t mean to offend. But he didn’t stop.
Last night after dinner, he pulled me aside and said, “One more thing. You will make sure Devon doesn’t ‘go off the deep end’ in front of my parents? You know…
make sure he doesn’t act too gay.”
That was it—the proverbial last straw. I lost my temper, revoked the invitation, and told him to find somewhere else to propose.
This threw the whole house into an uproar, and there was no way to avoid Jaelinn finding out about it. She was furious with me. She said James changed his mind about proposing to her altogether and that it was all my fault.
She said I “ruined her life.”
At first, Devon supported me and so did half our family. Now even Devon says I should have kept my mouth shut and put up with it a little bit longer.
AITJ for ruining my daughter’s surprise proposal?
Info: I’m Mom, not Dad. “Dad” (and I use that term loosely) is an abusive jerk who abandoned the family 8 years ago.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! A few years back, I was with someone more right-leaning and with more conservative views than me.
We got along great and used to joke “opposites attract.” Over time it became more apparent that he was blatantly homophobic/racist, however, I ignored those red flags because I thought I loved him. His true colors really started to show through about a year and a half in and it came to a point where I couldn’t excuse his actions and he began to also treat me terribly just like this dude does to your daughter (plus other things) and we broke up.
My point is that love may be blinding her right now, and she may be too in love to see this is not the best relationship for her. Especially, as you mentioned, he treats her poorly and they seem to have very opposite personalities. I think what you did was the right thing, but it may be hard for everyone to see that right now.” Gplaticorn
Another User Comments:
“Certified homo here.
You know, with that level of homophobia, it’s likely that James is actually gay himself. To go even further, he probably has a crush on Devon. Homophobia does that to people. Especially someone who is ONLY 25 having grown up in a severely right-wing environment. The reason he is scared of Devon’s bisexuality is because he’s scared of his own.
So you did the right thing and are a good mom.
Absolutely NTJ. Either he actually is this much a jerk in which case you dodged a bullet. Or he discovers he is gay because of this and you did both him and your daughter a favour.
I’m sorry she’s not talking to you and that must hurt. But I honestly struggle to understand why. It seems like she already knew about the proposal so it wasn’t actually a surprise.
More of a staged event. Which doesn’t have to be staged. Or happen at any specific moment. If they truly love each other, they can propose at Harveys and use an onion ring.
Besides, she should defend her brother. If she thinks that ‘lifestyle’ is an appropriate synonym for sexual orientation, maybe she should go back in time a few decades to when that was still considered acceptable.
Sexual Orientation is NOT a choice nor a lifestyle. It is simply how our brains are wired. So with basic facts in mind, James is asking Devon to be something he’s not. Do you think this maltreatment would stop after they get married? HECK NO.
Honestly, if this ends up causing them to not propose, you will have done them a favor.
Mostly your daughter even if she doesn’t realize it yet.” jimbobray54
Another User Comments:
Weird take, but have you considered trying to sit down with your daughter and show her this post? I worry for her because this kind of hate in one person can spread to another. If they get married, he will start treating her worse and when they move out, behind closed doors, it will escalate and because they are married and she doesn’t have anyone near, she won’t try to get away.
I mean she doesn’t realize anything is wrong now, and (no pointed offense meant here; I have been in this situation) she hasn’t had a stable and healthy relationship to look at for guidance about how she should be treated in a relationship.
It seems like there’s been too much complicity (with the bigot and homophobe) and too little communication between you are your daughter.
Also, do better for your son. He’s suffered a whole year with nastiness inside his home bullying him. His home should be a place he feels safe and loved.
One last thing, have you spoken to someone about your experiences with your ex? If not, I would recommend it. For years my aunt kept going out with men who would use and mistreat her and finally she went to therapy and in there she realized why she kept choosing them. She had been taught certain behaviors were love that were actually the opposite, she had been taught that ‘oh it was just something small and he said this nice thing, now so it’s fine.’ Your children deserve safety and happiness and so do you.” Otherwise_One1693
4. AITJ For Telling My Partner She's A Cheapskate?
“My partner makes six figures as a pharmacist and is still the cheapest person I know. She recently bought a new Toyota RAV4 and wanted the bars above to mount her skis. They quoted her 2k, and she decided not to get it even though she really wanted it.
She spent about 4 months drooling over a handbag that cost about $600.
She uses a tattered bag from college and said she needs one but can’t bring herself to buy one. I bought it for her for Christmas, and when I gave it to her, she got mad at me for wasting my finances. She did apologize after saying she loves it, but $600 is too much to spend on a bag.
She never wants to eat out.
Like at all. I usually eat out 2-3 times a week, but it’s hard to get her to eat out even once a month. She always says she can make the same thing for cheaper and will only eat out after some pleading from me. She doesn’t tip very high either, only 15% usually.
She only drives when there are a few things to do.
For example, for her to come over, she also drops off mail, buys things, and goes to the gym in the same trip to save on gas. I’m sure it’s eco-friendly, but it’s annoying because I’m home at 5, and she can’t get there until 6:30, and we only have 2-3 hours together.
She won’t ever buy coffee and even brings her own coffee maker kit rather than just buy coffee for road trips.
And she won’t buy bread or oat milk; she insists to make it to save finances, even though it takes so long. She also tends to only buy things on sale. She saw a very beautiful dress but refused to buy it because it wasn’t at least 50% off.
When we moved in together, she refused to buy things at IKEA, and we bought everything on an online marketplace.
I saved too, but I’d rather get new things because it’s just gross to use someone’s leftovers.
This weekend, my brother is coming to town, and I told my girl we should go to the trendy restaurant to celebrate. She responded that we should just eat in and she can make the Japanese curry my brother liked. I told her to stop being so cheap; we barely eat out anyway, and if she doesn’t want to pay, I will.
She got mad and accused me of being a jerk and refused to talk to me since.”
Another User Comments:
Some of the things are reasonable, annoying, but still reasonable. But being mad you bought her a purse she liked for a Christmas gift? And not wanting to go out for dinner even if someone else is paying or for a special occasion? That’s kinda extreme.
She can be thrifty and save her own bucks but can’t be mad if you spend your own money on her on things she actually wants but decides not to spend her own money on.
You not liking secondhand furniture is weird and such a privileged position. Secondhand mattresses? Sure, I’m not a fan because you can’t clean them 100%. I’d extend that to couches too but have had to use secondhand couches before when I was in a tight financial position.
But thrifting furniture is eco-friendly in multiple ways.
You guys aren’t compatible.” SourSkittlezx
Another User Comments:
“Your girl who makes 6 figures wouldn’t come visit you unless she had other errands to run? Are all the YTJ people missing this detail? Like what the heck? Not only is that cheap, it’s rude.
As others said it’s not wrong to be frugal, but she’s crossing some lines.
I think you were rude to call her cheap, but I also think she’s being ridiculous by refusing to compromise on things that involve you as well, such as using all secondhand marketplace furniture for the apartment you ALSO have to live in and not even wanting to go out when your brother is in town. Since you bought her a $600 bag, I am assuming that you also use your own money to pay for things as well like dining out, and she’s not footing the entire bill herself.
You two have very different lifestyles, and I don’t know if that’s compatible long-term. I would talk with her about it and introduce the word “compromise” to her.
Another User Comments:
“ESH – she sounds like me but a bit worse, and you sound like my girl but a bit worse.
I’m toying between everyone sucks and nobody sucks for the following reasons:
Your girl is being a bit over the top (I’ll explain why next paragraph), but calling her cheap and getting takeout 2-3 times a week is excessive in my opinion.
She has every right to be frugal with her finances; that’s a good thing. However, for her to offer to make a meal for your brother is kind but a bit of a downer, especially since you offered to pay.
At the end of the day, you can choose how to spend your money, and she can choose how to spend hers. You calling her cheap because she won’t buy a roof rack or a handbag makes you a jerk. Her making you downscale your celebrations that you’re paying for makes her a jerk.” MrMosstin
3. AITJ For Changing The Locks On My Fiance?
“I (25F) own a beautiful 4-bedroom house. I bought it when I was 23 after letting my business partner take our shared assets in exchange for 600k. We owned a few properties together since we had bought our first place at 20 and 21 back when we were going out and even though we didn’t work out we stayed in business together.
I closed on my house a few months after my 23rd birthday. I had only been working part-time while I was managing our properties, so aside from my bed and some little things from my apartment, I stayed in my house for months while it was basically empty. I had always wanted to be a pastry chef and a local community college has a program that lets you get your certificate in almost anything for free with just 16 weeks of classes and if you choose to continue afterward your credits will roll over.
That’s where I met my fiance James (M27).
James was a chef at a high-end restaurant. He had been working since 16 he started as a busser and worked his way up. While he had a lot of experience, he wanted to have a degree to back it up. We hit it off pretty quickly, he even taught me how to drive, helped me develop recipes, and helped me pick out the perfect spot to put my bakery.
He proposed to me in Jamaica on August 8th, 2022. When we got back home, I moved in with him. I’ve been perfecting recipes in my house as I had taken the time to make the kitchen to my liking. I tend to put my phone on do not disturb just to make sure I have no distractions. There have been a few times when I have missed calls from James and I see that it really bothers him but it’s not like I go at random times I have a set schedule and I rarely go off of it.
About a week ago, I finished baking quite early and ended up taking a nap my phone was still on DnD and I woke up to James banging on the door. He told me he had been calling me for hours. I told him I had forgotten to take my phone off DnD. He suggested that if he should have a key he could use for emergencies or in case something like this happened again.
I said no because this is my safe space and I’m still adjusting to living with someone.
The other day when I finished baking, I noticed it was raining and I decided to call James because I don’t feel comfortable driving in the rain. He didn’t call me when he got here; he knocked on the door and when I opened it, he complained about getting wet while waiting for me and said he wouldn’t have to wait if he had a key.
I pointed out that he could’ve called me and I would’ve just come to the car. He said that wasn’t the point and me not giving him a key was a slap in the face.
Yesterday I noticed he had one of those “minute keys” in his glove compartment while looking for my lipgloss I left in his car. I immediately knew what he did and called my brother to help me change the locks.
Last night at dinner, I let him know I found the key and told him it wouldn’t be of any use as I had changed the locks. We argued and we haven’t spoken since last night AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Let’s be honest. If the roles were reversed and the dude had a separate house that he goes to for hours, doesn’t answer his phone, refuses to give her access to, and would call it his “safe space,” everybody would be saying how suspicious that is, how wrong that is and that she shouldn’t be marrying him because surely he’s hiding something.
I’m not justifying him getting a key without her knowledge, that was poorly handled by him, but it should have never come to that in the first place. If OP feels like she needs her “safe space” from her own fiancé, then she shouldn’t be marrying him. I know if I was the fiancé I would be a) Offended that she feels she needs a “safe space” from me; b) Suspicious as to why she can’t give me access to it; and c) Rethinking marrying her because clearly there’s no trust.
OP is the jerk.” Incantevole_allegria
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I understand placing your phone on DND for privacy but you absolutely need to make an exception for certain people or have a special ringtone for him so you know it’s him when he calls or texts. You telling him flat out “I will not remove DND for you” is dismissive and a major safety issue.
What if he is hospitalized while at work, a family member is injured or passes, some other emergency? If he needs your help with an emergency being reliable is important in any relationship. You can set up a rule of emergency calls, or texting a word to let you know it’s an emergency, so that way he doesn’t call just to chat when you’re baking.
As for the key, you seem to have major concerns about what he may do if he has access to your house. Are you worried he will randomly show up and bother you? This has to be discussed. You are unreachable for a pretty decent amount of time during the week. I wonder how distressing this is for your fiance and imagine it may erode some trust as time goes on and neither of you discusses a collaboration that works for both of you.
I understand you want your privacy and you have a right to that, there just needs to be a way for this to work for both of you where he isn’t struggling to reach you when he needs to and you’re able to still have a safe space. Creating a life together involves allowing the other person in and trusting them.” SmolSpaces15
Another User Comments:
I do think him getting a key cut was crossing a massive line, and that shouldn’t be overlooked. But it seems like less part of any pattern of abusive behavior and more him inappropriately dealing with being absolutely exasperated by you being unreasonably obstinate about this.
It’s all well and good having your own private space, but it’s deeply weird to be this resolute that someone you’re intending to marry should never have access to it no matter what.
If you’re going to have a boundary like this and expect your partner to jump through loads of hoops to accommodate that boundary, you need to be absolutely on top of making sure you’re holding up your end of the bargain in terms of being organized enough to minimize that inconvenience, especially when you’re asking your partner to do things like chauffeur you because it’s raining.
You told him he could call you, and then just left your phone on DnD for hours without whitelisting him, but nevertheless still insisted it was his responsibility to try it anyway instead of being proactive about being ready. He keeps pointing out that these logistical problems could be avoided by giving him a key — not an unreasonable ask if you are planning to get married, but for whatever reason you absolutely will not relent, to the point that you have a full-blown emergency panic when you suspect that he might have a key and immediately change the locks.
I know people like you’re describing yourself, so I’m not so sure he suspects unfaithfulness (although I wouldn’t be surprised, because being this defensive is very suspicious behavior). But I do think he’s getting extremely bored of being expected to be the one to deal with the logistical problems that come from you both refusing to budge an inch and not being organized enough to make that practical, and with the fact you obviously don’t trust him and show no indication that you ever will.
He seems to be the one being expected to make all the sacrifices here, and as someone who has been working since 16 while you seem to have basically been coasting by on family wealth (there is no way someone becomes co-owner of a million-dollar business at 20 without family money, and you’ve never had a full-time job), I’m getting a particular vibe that he’s starting to notice a huge maturity difference between you.” Rarycaris
2. AITJ For Embarrassing My Brother-In-Law's New Wife?
“For context, it was not my intention, but it was absolutely how it played out. My BIL (husband’s brother) was away for college for 4 years and ended up eloping with a woman he had known for 7 months. None of us knew her, not that it mattered. But we just met her for the first time back a few months ago.
She seemed pleasant, a bit shy (which is to be expected), and a bit rough around the edges (no big deal at all but just like fidgety, darting her head and looking behind her shoulder like someone was standing there when no one was). We found out a short few weeks later that she has bipolar, unmedicated, so her behaviors absolutely made sense (I’m an RN, as well as a social worker, and I also have bipolar but I’m medicated).
On Saturday MIL invited the whole family down for dinner and BIL and his new wife (Hannah) show up and we got to chatting at the dinner table about her diagnosis. She brought it up, not me (but she knew I knew about it so it started as small talk I believe). Well, it didn’t take long for her to dive deep into this conversation.
Using her arms and hands to talk, getting a bit loud. No problems, the family is loud so she fits right in. But then she became angry, over nothing. Started saying stuff like “it absolutely freaking repulses me that people without bipolar try claiming they are manic when mania is strictly a bipolar thing”. I wasn’t rude by any means, but I did correct her, quietly, and said “actually mania comes in all forms and is not limited to bipolar disorders.
Even people with brain tumors have been known to have manic episodes.” She immediately said I was wrong. That her doctor told her that it was strictly a bipolar thing, etc. So I just stood firm and said “He’s wrong” and even pulled up my medical ebook to show her the paragraph that speaks on mania and everything that can cause an episode.
She refused to read it so I just turned to my husband (who wasn’t paying attention to us) and said, “Hunny, you’re a doctor, what causes manic episodes”. He starts listing off multiple things, including manic depressive episodes, seasonal affective disorder, postpartum psychosis, or schizoaffective disorder.
Well, Hannah was livid. She immediately said that we were just trying to one-up her and that she “knew what she was talking about”.
My husband immediately said “obviously not if you’re going to sit here, argue, and gatekeep symptoms of illnesses against two medical professionals.” He then turned and walked off, leaving us at the table with both BILs, SIL, and MIL looking on. Hannah then starts crying saying I embarrassed her on purpose for no good reason other than my pride and stormed out of the room after screaming for everyone to stop staring at her.
BIL is telling me I should have just shut my mouth and stormed after her. I’m really confused if I’m the jerk here.
ETA: Making an add to include some key points here. I was quiet throughout this entire conversation. I was speaking so no one else could hear, which is exactly why my husband (who was sitting directly beside me) has no idea what we were talking about until I brought him into the conversation.
She did not appear to be in any sort of episode when the conversation began, other than the first initial spew of how it repulses her (she calmed down immediately afterward) and only slowly showed how manic she was after raising her voice at my husband for simply stating what can cause a manic episode that does not include bipolar. I was having what I thought was an academically correct conversation with an individual as small talk (mentioned in my post).
She was the one who became loud and belligerent. No one at that table had any clue what Hannah and I were even talking about until Hannah started screaming at me over the table. It is my job as both a social worker and an RN to educate individuals who are uneducated about their illnesses. So yes, that probably played a part.
It’s more dangerous to be uneducated than it is to be educated and to be blunt, her doctor giving her false information to begin with is troubling in itself.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to give a very, very gentle ESH.
Yes, SIL was wrong. She was exhibiting some serious know-it-all syndrome And was out of line. She also was in a social situation that was likely uncomfortable for her since she doesn’t know any of you very well yet.
She is also not getting proper treatment for her diagnosis. It’s also possible that she is misrepresenting what her doctor told her for any number of reasons. Her doctor may have been completely correct, but she’s twisting it around for who knows what reason.
Yes you were correct. But you didn’t take into consideration her possible discomfort in this particular setting and that she might get defensive when she was shown to be wrong and she might be seriously intimidated by you and your husband.
Not giving her a pass, but just recognizing that this might have been the wrong setting to have this particular conversation and when she got upset, it might have been a better approach to back off, change the subject and save education for another day or for another person. At this moment she needs your support and friendship as she gets to know her husband’s family and not necessarily medical advice.
Later, when you know each other better and are more comfortable, you might be in a position to help her understand her disorder better.” Princess-Bridget
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with ESH.
Yeah, she doubled down and did the thing that my bipolar mom always did/does. (She’s always right, it doesn’t matter what you say, freak out, storm off, this was all your fault.) That’s on her to check herself and do the steps to walk away from it before an episode.
Thing is… you’re a medical professional, who has the knowledge and experience to see when it’s not a good idea to push a subject on a diagnosed bipolar. Perhaps it’s purely academic for you, but you should know better about how to deal with someone who obviously is NOT an academic. She was speaking strictly about who SHE is and how it affects her, and everything you said was personal.
While I’m big on the saying that it’s not her fault that she is bipolar, but it IS her responsibility; she’s still going to have moments, and you (the professional), pushed it right over the edge without utilizing your skills, like, AT ALL.
As a side note, I’m NC with my mother because I got sick of feeling like I am constantly walking on eggshells around her.
You may have to do the same if you don’t want to do the work when you are around her.” HearseWithNoName
Another User Comments:
I’m also a medical professional and I hear a lot of weird bullcrap from family members. I’ve kinda learned when and how it is appropriate to “correct” ignorance in a way that doesn’t make them feel stupid. It’s a delicate art, but one thing I would literally never do is whip out literature to prove that I’m right.
She probably wouldn’t have been as livid if you had said something like “I actually had a psychologist tell me…” or something that lets her disagree with someone other than you, if that makes sense. Someone who isn’t there.
For some people, they’ll realize they don’t know what they are talking about when you do something like this, but not having it shoved in their face makes it easier for them to be like “Oh wow, maybe I heard wrong”, even if they don’t actually have that revelation for weeks.
Her being unmedicated though, this was just a timebomb and it doesn’t sound like you are close enough with her to be the one to litigate her misunderstandings in front of her new family while she’s in the midst of a mental health episode.
As far as “dangerous misinformation”, I think that’s being a little self-important here. We’re not talking about her hopping on a platform to give people inaccurate medical advice, she’s talking about a labeling peeve.
Who is really going to be hurt by her misunderstanding here?
And is it really your personal responsibility to advocate for this imaginary person at the dinner table with your family?
I’m sure you experience the same frustration I have with medical misinformation, I work in a specialty that’s positively lousy with it. But there’s something to be said about being the kind of person who is smart enough to know when someone is wrong and also classy enough to know when it’s appropriate to correct them.
The way you did it guaranteed she would not be receptive and didn’t give her a way to accept new information without being embarrassed. Humans simply aren’t good at that.” Daddict
1. AITJ For Calling People Out For Bringing Kids To A Child-Free Wedding?
“My sister got married last summer. She had a very elegant and beautiful wedding and reception planned. It was child-free. She sent a gracious note to everyone who sent their regrets and thanked them for understanding her desires for her wedding and respecting them enough to RSVP in the negative. She also invited them to a party later that summer at her home if they wanted to take pictures with her and her wedding party in their fancy clothes.
I thought it was well-handled and classy.
Several people did not understand the meaning of “child-free” and brought their kids anyways. One screamed through the ceremony and the mom would not leave the chapel because she did not want to cause a fuss. There were no extra places for them at the reception so their parents had to share their food with them.
The worst was the kid that wanted a cupcake off the table the wedding cake was on. He tipped the wedding cake onto the floor. My dad saved it but there was a handprint on the lowest tier and a lot of cupcakes hit the floor.
All in all, it was four families that brought uninvited children.
My wedding invitations just went out over Christmas.
We are getting married in May. I know this is a long time but we have a lot of out-of-town, country, and even continent guests we hope will come.
We did not invite these families to our wedding. We have a social media group for the wedding for people to share pictures and memories that we might put in the wedding video.
They found out about the group and posted to my personal page about being excluded and asking why we are not inviting them. I messaged them privately and asked them to take down their posts and explained that my wedding was smaller and I wasn’t having as many guests as my sister. They went public again and complained about me excluding them for no good reason.
So I posted the receipts. I posted a video my cousin sent me of the kid crying during the ceremony and the parents doing nothing. The video of the kid freaking out because he had to share trout for supper. The before and after pictures of the wedding cake table. And I also asked if they knew in advance that they were not supposed to bring their kids to the wedding.
Then everyone started piling on. To them. I guess there was a lot of stuff I missed. Including one of them changing a kid on the table with the guest book because the closest bathroom did not have a baby station.
Now they are all calling me a jerk for embarrassing them for having children and wanting to be part of family events.
I said that they could not understand why rules were in place and that is why they were not invited. My uncle posted about how embarrassed he was that his daughter was one of these entitled jerks and offered to pay my sister for the cake that got wrecked. He had been unable to attend and hadn’t heard about the cake.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Hey, they asked why you didn’t invite them. You messaged them privately and tried to handle it that way, but they wouldn’t have it that way, so they got what they asked for.
They didn’t respect the rules last time, and this time they acted like entitled children when they weren’t invited, and showed that they had no self-awareness, and instead of having the decency of being embarrassed by their own past actions, tried to flip it on you when you answered their repeated question about why they weren’t invited.
Kids do dumb stuff all the time, so I’m not saying they should be embarrassed by their children’s actions, I’m saying the adults should be insanely embarrassed on their own behalf by the fact that they showed up to a child-free wedding, knowing full well that it was a child-free wedding, but still demanding to attend the wedding with their children and then not being able to make sure their children at least behaved somewhat decently or remove themselves from the situation to avoid being destructive if that wasn’t possible (which it often is with small children, after all).
I would move to another country had it just been my own family attempting to do that, the secondhand embarrassment would be too much to take.” mariemarlowe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. We had a child-friendly wedding (private ceremony with only close family and friends, larger reception with extended family and more friends) and nothing bad happened. All the parents kept track of their kids, one parent of each family unit was sober, and so on.
We also had a small room with some comfy bean bags, a blow-up mattress, and a big screen where they could watch cartoons, but the kids mostly played outside. Some parents had babysitters and left their kids at home because they wanted to be able to let go of responsibility, which is obviously fine too!
What I don’t understand are these entitled parents who bring their kids to an event that is specifically child-free and then on top of that they don’t take care of their children? Why bring them in the first place if you don’t want the responsibility of taking care of them? I just don’t get it.
Then again, ironically my husband and I are child-free. We just didn’t want our nephews who were in the wedding to be bored out of their minds at the reception, much more fun if their second cousins are there to play with.” FunkisHen
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You 100% should be allowed to invite who you want to your own wedding. But there is no reason to escalate the situation by embarrassing them publicly.
It sounds like they already did that to themselves at your sister’s wedding and by their comments about not being invited to your wedding.
Also, it is really inconsiderate and creepy to post pics or videos of other people’s kids online even if it is to prove a point and even though you are 100% right about the parent’s behavior. Those kids’ behavior sounds awful but they are still kids who deserve privacy without all their childhood failings online for family and friends to see for eternity.
Side note in case you don’t have kids yourself: weddings that don’t allow young kids are becoming more common but can put parents in a bind if they have to travel a long way to your wedding. Not every parent has someone that they trust to leave their young kids with overnight or during a wedding weekend. I am not saying you should have a wedding that allows kids but thought I add this just in case you were serious about wanting to see things from other people’s perspective.” mellowmadre