People Are Excited To Get Judged Based On Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
17. AITJ For Being Mad At My Daughter For Calling My Significant Other A Gold Digger?
“I’ve never been particularly close with my daughter. After I and her mom divorced when she was 13 I saw her maybe once every 2-3 months and on birthdays/holidays.
I do blame myself for that, after the divorce I went into a sort of mid-life crisis (although I was only in my early 30s). Over the last few years I’ve dated quite a few women but I wouldn’t class any of those relationships as ‘serious’.
Six months ago I started going out with my current SO.
About six weeks ago I invited most of my family out to dinner (my daughter, my siblings, and their partners, and my parents), I felt like our relationship was at a point where I wanted to introduce her as my SO to the family.
And everyone seemed to like her, we had a fun dinner. But then after a few glasses of wine me and my daughter got into this small argument, I honestly don’t even remember what it was about and during that argument, she called my SO a gold digger and left shortly after.
She generally just ruined the whole dinner.
I’m not delusional, I know one of the reasons that my SO is with me is money and I assume everyone else in the family knows that too, same way one of the reasons I’m with my SO is her looks.
Last weekend I threw a small indoor BBQ dinner at my house and I again invited most of my family and a few friends and some of my SO’s friends. But I didn’t invite my daughter. She very obviously doesn’t like my SO and I didn’t want a repeat of the last situation.
However, when my daughter found out she wasn’t invited afterward she sent me some angry messages calling me a ‘selfish narcissistic jerk’. And for whatever reason one of my sisters has taken her side and said I should have invited her. So was AITJ for not inviting her?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. So you’re with a younger woman for her looks and she’s with you for your money. Why are you so offended when your daughter is right? You are a selfish narcissistic jerk if you’ve essentially abandoned her for her entire teenage years and now you’re trying to introduce your sugar baby to the family as a serious relationship.
She’s closer to your daughter’s age than your own!
Then you throw a party and disinvite her because you’re hurt by her telling you the honest truth of the situation, that you agree with. You were wasted too and don’t even remember the conversation! I get that you don’t care about how much you hurt your daughter but Jesus guy, do better.” Luxxeville
Another User Comments:
“‘But then after a few glasses of wine me and my daughter got into this small argument, I honestly don’t even remember what it was about’
So you don’t remember what your argument was about, yet you’re sure she’s the one who ruined dinner?
Wow.
Also, this dismissive nonsense just sums up your entire attitude toward your daughter. I bet she remembers what the argument was about, just like she remembers how you were hardly there for her while you were off having your midlife crisis.
‘I didn’t invite my daughter.
She very obviously doesn’t like my SO and I didn’t want a repeat of the last situation.’
I’m willing to bet that the last situation had far more to do with you being a trashy, absent father than how she feels about your SO, who is clearly a symptom of who you are and how you have behaved. I’m also willing to bet that you haven’t attempted to contact your daughter following the argument you had to see if you can talk it through.
Instead, you’re doing what you’ve spent the last six years doing – pushing her away.
You can invite whoever you like to your dinner, but don’t pretend that the reason you didn’t invite your daughter is that you’re upset at the fact she thinks you’re selfish, because your entire OP is full of examples that prove her right – and you know it.
YTJ” ImStealingTheTowels
Another User Comments:
“LOL. Your daughter might be onto something. YTJ.
So you literally admit that your SO is more a gold digger than she is not, while it is consensual, how is your daughter wrong?
Not liking your SO is one thing, not being invited to a family BBQ is something entirely else.
You made the conscious choice to exclude your daughter. You could’ve talked to her and asked her to be polite and not repeat what had happened, but you literally chose to cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war and are now somehow confused by the consequences of your actions… You showed her that you literally don’t care if she is in your life.
‘She generally just ruined the whole dinner.’
Is that how you feel or what everybody said? If you felt the need to argue with your 19-year-old daughter which you’ve never been close to anyway over dinner, you were at the very least not helping to de-escalate the situation and probably just as guilty.
This story illustrates very much you don’t really care about her, so I am really confused as to your surprise that at least someone chose her side. And by acting the way you did, you proved her 100% right that you are selfish. Not much room for interpretation.” Iothil
16. AITJ For Not Letting My Wife Resign?
“My wife (32F) and I (38M) will be closing on our first house this Friday. She has worked in animal welfare practically her whole adult life. She’s worked at numerous places and had built enough skills, knowledge, and ideas in her 15 years in her career, that she just landed her dream job about 6 months ago and she couldn’t be happier.
The only problem is that it doesn’t pay well. Hence the dilemma because of our new house payment.
It’s animal welfare, it’s a soul-fulfilling job, not a lucrative one. If you’re in it for the money, you’re the wrong type of person to be in that field.
We both worked at a shelter and that’s how we met and eventually got married. She’s worked very hard to get to the position she’s in now but honestly, she can make just as much money working at Taco Bell, which does bug her.
I pay for about… 90% of everything.
I don’t complain and I’m not trying to be a martyr or looking for praise. It’s not a chauvinistic thing either, it’s just what fell into our laps. She can cover a few bills but that’s it. I make a good living for both of us but more or less still live paycheck to paycheck.
To offset her lack of income, I willingly put in about 60+/- hours a week, up at 4 or 5 am pending on the day. I’m tired but don’t complain about having to do it, I love my job.
My wife sees this and feels bad and she doesn’t feel like she’s pulling her weight.
I disagree and think she is by doing more parenting than I do, as well as household things. It’s a good 70/30 split of household responsibilities, which I feel is a fine offset for her lack of income. I still do things around the house and contribute like shopping for groceries, cooking or cleaning, or watching the toddler on a weekend so she can go to work but if I’m tired, she tags in and lets me rest, no questions asked. Kinda like paying for ‘services’ rendered for lack of a better term.
She still doesn’t feel good about the situation and wishes to be doing more. She wants to quit her job and get something higher paying, so I can stop doing overtime and working all the time and paying for everything. I told her no. She’s brought it up several times and I keep telling her no. The reason being is I know how hard she’s worked to get this job and it means a lot to her.
She’s THRIVING and happy and that means more to me than a monetary value. She doesn’t see it that way. It does make me feel bad cuz I don’t know if my telling her NO, is controlling or not. It sounds like a jerk move and I don’t know if it’s ok for me to put my foot down on this.
Am I allowed to make that decision for her? I’d be pretty mad if someone told me I couldn’t do something.
AITJ for not caring about money and refusing to not let her quit her job to help with bills and take the pressure off of me?
Edit: she loves her job. She doesn’t hate it. She sets her own schedule and it allows her to bring our toddler to work if she needs to. She’s not unhappy with her choice, just wishes it pays more.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but your wife doesn’t sound thriving and happy as you put it based on your description.
She sounds stressed and is feeling inadequate. You should listen to what your wife is saying and not what you think is the case. She’s telling you she wants a higher-paying job, let her do what she wants.
Sure your wife likes her job but she also realizes it’s not the best financial decision for your family.
Just like I would like to play video games all day but that’s not the best financial decision for me. Sometimes you have to sacrifice a little personally for the benefit of the whole, I’m sure she’d like seeing you more too, and not having you away 60 hours a week.” Unit-00
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It’s her life and her choice – if she wants a better job, then she should go get it. You can’t tell her not to, really. She sounds stressed – and tired – partly because of the money inequality, but I’m guessing partly because more parenting responsibility and household chores fall to her, on top of her full-time (albeit low-paying) job, which you think is ‘fair’.
After all, you have more money? Maybe she wants to even things out – not just the money, but the other stuff too. If she earns more, you have to do more right?
‘I still do things around the house and contribute like shop for groceries, cook or clean or watch the toddler on a weekend so she can go to work but if I’m tired, she tags in and lets me rest, no questions asked. Kinda like paying for ‘services’ rendered for lack of a better term.’
‘Services’? What services? You mean parenting your own child? Doing chores in your own house where you live?
You both need to stop skirting around the subject and talk about what the real problem is because I don’t think it’s just money.” alien_overlord_1001
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You’re a great couple and you support her in all her endeavors and she wants to be there with you. But I think while in your effort to be supportive of her work, you’re not fully understanding what she seems to be saying.
She wants a better (than the good one you have now) home life. She wants a work-home balance. She wants to be there for you the same way you want to support her soul-fulfilling work. Yes, she loves her job but she loves her family too and the fact that she’s not there for the family (financially physically all of it) is not making her happy overall.
You’re not a jerk for supporting her job. But please allow her to find a position she can be happy with. With 15 years of experience, she’ll be able to find something else and it might even be better than her dream job.
I can see you love her.
Let her love you back. She wants to. It’ll make her happy to do things for you just as it makes you happy to do things for her.
Take care.” KimchiAndLemonTree
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – At least not yet. You may become a jerk though if you push much more without engaging in an open and honest conversation with your wife about your family’s financial situation and what each of you values in your careers and what each of you contributes to your living situation.
You feel that her job is fulfilling and important to her, and she may feel the same way while still feeling like a burden for not contributing financially which is leading to her wanting to provide more support.
Try to understand her perspective and see if there’s a way to find a compromise that works for both of you.
It may involve reevaluating your household expenses, finding ways for her to supplement her income, or trying to help her see the value of all the unpaid work she does on the home side of things. Ultimately, the decision should be made together, taking into account both your perspectives and goals.” LaReinaTormenta
15. AITJ For Interfering In The Bouquet Toss?
“My partner (we’ll call her ‘Maggie’) and I went to her sister’s wedding on Sunday (1/22). It was a great event, and things were going well for most of the evening. This was the first time I met Maggie’s mother, but I had already met the rest of her family.
When it came time for the bouquet toss, Maggie was one of the ladies in the group to try & catch it. I thought I had an opportunity to be funny and lift the mood, so I stood behind Maggie and slapped the flowers to the ground before she could catch them.
Idk if she actually would have been the one to catch them, but I did it anyways. I was doing it as a joke, which I thought would be obvious to everyone (I was like 0.0001% serious, I’m actually not interested in marriage. I’m in my 20s).
I really had no bad intentions & wasn’t trying to upset anyone, I thought I would get a chuckle from the crowd.
After I slapped the bouquet to the floor there was an audible gasp from everyone around, followed by an awkward silence. I was a little embarrassed but I laughed anyways to try to nonverbally show everyone that it was a joke.
Nobody laughed.
After a bit, the moment had passed, and everyone was starting a big dinner. Nobody talked to me and I was getting a couple of sideways glances. Maggie’s mother eventually pulled me aside and (very respectfully) asked me to leave. To which I obliged. I didn’t want to cause a scene.
A few weeks later my partner & her sister are over it, but the mom still seems weird about it. I haven’t spoken to her since then. Was this a jerk move? Or was it just a lighthearted joke that was misinterpreted?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
The bouquet toss is a tradition that people have various opinions on, but generally, it’s unmarried women competing to grab the bouquet. By slapping it down, you took ALL – literally ALL – of the fun out of the activity. You’re not an unmarried woman.
You obviously had no interest in the activity. Why did you insert yourself?
It’s a mean thing to do, and it’s not funny – what’s the joke? ‘Haha, no one gets the bouquet?’ ‘Haha, I don’t want to marry my partner?’ ‘Haha, traditions are dumb?’ I can’t think of any reason it’s funny.
The kindest interpretation I could reasonably see is you wanting attention and going about it in an annoying way.
You took an activity that involves a group you aren’t a member of and made the moment entirely about yourself. If you have any relationship with the married couple, I suggest apologizing for being unaware and self-focused.” erinsnotfunny
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Not the right place or time to joke – it’s someone else’s wedding, not your turn at open mic night. Especially not the right place or time to joke in front of strangers and members of your partner’s family. You remember your partner right, the person you presumably love or at least like like a lot and probably want to make a good impression in front of her family?
You seriously thought a good joke would be to show just how horrified you are at the thought of marrying your partner IN FRONT OF HER FAMILY that you’ll physically smack away a bouquet thrown at her like it’s a volleyball. AGAIN, IN FRONT OF HER FAMILY you basically said ‘The thought of marrying your daughter/sister/niece/cousin sickens and horrifies me to the point that I must spike this bouquet like a volleyball lest any marriage cooties get on her and try to infect our relationship.’
Funny ain’t your forte.
On the bright side, pretty sure you don’t have to worry about marrying her now.” AmishAngst
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You said that you’re aware of the tradition for the person who catches it to get married next as well as admit that pet of you was serious about knocking it down because you don’t want to get married. You are aware that it’s a light-hearted game for single women right?
No one expects to actually get married from catching a bouquet. You were not funny at all by any means to anyone as evidenced by the gasps and stares you got. You made a scene at the wedding and embarrassed the bride, her family, and especially your partner.
You need to find a way to sincerely apologize to them.” Stormikitty
14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Give My Car To My Sister?
“My sister (21f) and me (18f) always fought when we were little.
She never wanted a sibling and I didn’t necessarily want her to be my older sister either. My parents tried to make us get along but stopped after a couple of years realizing that there was no point.
I have been obsessed with getting straight a’s since I was a little girl.
I only hung out with a few friends and spent my free time either studying or playing sports throughout high school. While my sister struggled in school and hung out with the wrong people and got into some very bad stuff. This didn’t make her a bad person but it made her make some very dumb decisions.
One of her dumb decisions led to my nephew who is now 2 years old. I put aside my differences with my sister and have an amazing relationship with him. I babysit him all the time and come to play with him while my sister sleeps (she works overnights).
My issue is that my parents and sister want me to give up my car to her so that she can have a safer car since hers is old and keeps breaking down. My car is something I worked my butt off for and I really don’t want to give it up.
My parents bought it for me as a birthday gift since my grades had been so well throughout high school and I got into a very good college. I spent countless nights staying up till 3 am studying, giving up on time with my friends and partner just so that I could keep my grades up.
Honestly, I view this car as my baby and a product of my hard work.
My sister has been texting me all week about it and her partner too. She has been telling me it’s only fair since I was the reason our parents never paid attention to her and just because I got good grades doesn’t mean I deserve the car.
She told me I’d be putting her son in danger if I kept making them drive their unsafe car. My parents told me it was completely my decision but I can feel that they want me to give it to her. I know they most likely can’t afford a brand new and even slightly used car now, especially since they are going to help pay half of my college.
I understand that she needs a safer car but I don’t feel like it should be my responsibility to provide it for her. Like I said I worked so hard for it and I’ll be left carless if I do let her have it.
I want my nephew to be safe but shouldn’t that be my parents’ job, not mine? It is unfair for her but she chose to live that life and putting the blame on me just feels wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think your sister and her partner are the jerks here.
They are expecting you to trade your hard-earned car for her crap that you’ll have to sink money into every time it breaks down. This is not your responsibility to make her feel better about ‘being ignored’ by your parents. She is manipulating you and allowing her partner to text you as well is just the manipulative cherry on top.
If I could tell you from the experience of having a screw-up sibling who got every chance under the sun and I was expected to suffer for his mistakes. Don’t trade it. Don’t allow her to guilt you. Don’t allow yourself to dwell on it.
Do graduate college. Do continue to have a relationship with your nephew. Your sister may try to leverage him against you, expect it and just continue with your success. Your parents are stuck here and likely don’t want you to trade it but your sister is probably being a monster about it.” Halfbakedlegend
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This is your car. Do Not Give It Away.
Let your sister or her partner work a second job and buy their own car. Your sister might not be a bad person (although pressuring you to give her your car is pretty bad in my book), but she’s in her current position because of her very own poor decisions.
If your parents don’t like this idea, let them give your sister their car. (This might be too harsh as your sister is responsible for her own messes, but it sounds like your parents didn’t meet their responsibility as parents either to make your sister treat you properly growing up – I assure you it’s possible and the statement ‘there was no point’ is the excuse of lazy parents – or helping her make better decisions as she got older.
And now they want your hard work and your car to be given away to make up for her deficiencies.)
It sounds like you are being treated very badly by your family. You are 18. I very much hope that you are leaving for university or another career training program and that you’ll jump in your car and drive away.
I hope your part-time work will allow you to both study and live elsewhere, away from the ridiculous pressure for a smart, hard-working 18-year-old to support an irresponsible 21-year-old.” Nester1953
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Keep your car, you need it for your job and for going to college.
But if you feel like it, you could offer to put some money to help with your parents, sister, and her partner all putting money towards buying a new(er) car for your nephew/sister.
Honestly, if all of you put some money in, and maybe the other adults take out a small loan or car finance plan, it should be possible to buy a budget used car that runs better than what your sister has.
You handing over your car seems like the easy option (for everyone else) but it’s not the only option.
Other cars are available.” zellieh
13. AITJ For Being Mad At My Significant Other For Being Unorganized?
“So me (f) and my SO are both 18. He has ADHD and is quite literally the least organized person you could imagine. When I say he is late for everything, I mean it. That boy would even be late for his own birthday party. When we need to be somewhere or are meeting, I’ll have to tell him he needs to be there 20-30 minutes earlier than the actual time.
His folders for college are a complete mess, he doesn’t file anything and around 2/3000 potentially important sheets and documents are just stored on the flier in the spare room of his house. I worry about how he’ll cope in the real world with bills and documents, etc.
Anyway, it was my mother’s wedding last weekend. He was at my place the night before but needed to go home in the morning to collect his suit. I told him to be at the venue at 11. No later, on the dot. Well, it had got to 11.30, and he’d still not shown up.
My mother was literally about to walk down the aisle, and several people were asking me where he was. Just imagine how embarrassing this was. I didn’t receive a text from him, no communication or anything. He ended up arriving at around 11.50, and he’d completely missed the marriage.
As you can imagine, I was absolutely raging at him on the inside, but all the family where greeting him and making a fuss about how tall he’d gotten, etc, so I had to contain my anger and just smile on. No one else seemed to be bothered, which seriously irritated me.
It’s just selfish in my eyes. After lunch and before the evening events, everyone had a bit of time in their hotel rooms. (Hotel was on site)
When we got back up to that room, I screamed at him. I just yelled about how annoyed and upset I was that he couldn’t even turn up on time for a day so important to me.
Unsurprisingly, there was no justifiable reason for his late arrival, apparently he ‘got distracted’.
He also looked very hot in his outfit which irked me as I was less happy with how my dress and makeup turned out and was smirking throughout this whole ordeal while lying on the bed seemingly unbothered, which really annoyed me and was the last straw.
So, I said ‘why can’t you just be normal.’ This is when his mood changed. He wasn’t smirking now, he went all subdued and seemed upset. I regret saying this, it’s not his fault he has ADHD, but he hurt my feelings by turning up late, so at that moment I wanted to hurt his.
And I think I did. These last few days he’s been downcast and toned down, not like his normal lively self at all. He hasn’t spoken to me about the incident at all though, so I guess maybe he could be upset about something else.
I spoke to Mom about the incident as it was her big day after all, and she said I overreacted massively and shouldn’t have said what I did. She told me how she loves his ADHD and how it makes him unique, and now I feel terrible, but I also feel like my anger was justified as he needs to learn to respect people’s time more, especially on an event so important.
AITJ for how I reacted?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
You are understandably very frustrated with how his condition affects you. It’s unfair on you to have to put up with it. However, his condition is real and is a disability and he’s not like that by choice, so it is not his fault for being like that, and yelling at him to be normal is a pretty jerk thing to do, although he did stand you up in a very bad way and he didn’t take his responsibility to manage the fallout by being humble and apologetic, etc so it was pretty deserved in that sense.
However, you seem to lack some understanding of how ADHD works. The way you choose your words is kinda like ‘Yeah I know you have ADHD but…’ as if he kinda has a choice and as if he still is ‘kinda lazy’. Like how you say ‘apparently he ‘got distracted’ with quotes as if you don’t believe it.
Believe me, the distraction from ADHD is very very real, and not deliberate. I understand all the frustration though, as my partner has ADHD and I’ve lived through most of what you describe in one way or another.
What this boils down to is this: You two need to step up the game in how to manage this in your relationship.
He needs to consider getting medicated. This makes a huuuuuuuge difference for a lot of people with ADHD and can turn you from hardly functional to very functional. It won’t erase all the traits coming from ADHD and some things will still need to be managed/compromised but it will likely improve things a lot.
He also needs to learn to take responsibility and ownership of the consequences of his condition. He has ADHD, ok. He needs to know that his acting in certain ways has fallouts on people, and he needs to take responsibility by apologizing and doing his best to ensure that damage is minimized.
However, him aside, YOU need to accept that all efforts of his aside, this is who he is. He won’t change. He’s not being like that out of malice or because he’s lazy and can mature out of it. No, it’s a lifelong condition and it will only be mitigated so far through effort and medication.
Also, learn more about the condition to try and understand how it is from his perspective. He can’t ‘just be normal’. He isn’t choosing to be distracted. He’s likely struggling more with this than you are. If you have any kind of idea that he can be ‘fixed’, then drop that.
If you aren’t able to deal with this in your life, despite both of you’s efforts, that is okay and at that point, it might be time to consider ending it. You might not be a match, because of his ADHD and that is okay.” slorpa
Another User Comments:
“He shouldn’t have smirked. Even so, body language can be different in neurodivergent people and that smirk might not mean what you thought. Aside from that, YTJ.
Would you yell at a wheelchair user for being late because the venue wasn’t accessible?
Would you yell at an amputee for being late because they got really bad phantom pain and had to stop for a bit? Would you yell at someone with a physical disability for their symptoms? Symptoms don’t just disappear because it’s an important event.
It sounds like you have some understanding of ADHD and its symptoms. You should be accommodating, not yelling.
I can see you’ve tried to do that by giving him earlier times but that’s clearly not working. You need to sit down with him and find out what will help. If he doesn’t know, you need to do some research together and come up with ideas.
Yes. He will struggle in the real world. That’s not his fault. That’s why it’s a disability and why he needs accommodations.
Also, as an autistic person, ‘why can’t you just be normal’ is one of the worst things a partner has ever said to me… and they have.
You should be extremely apologetic for that.” CelestialSpaceDust
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
A lot of people in my family deal with ADHD, including (likely) me, I just haven’t gone in to get a diagnosis yet.
I don’t think this relationship is productive. You are clearly fed up, and allowed your anger to explode in an assaultive way (screaming at someone is a verbal/audio/emotional assault).
He doesn’t seem to take you, or time, seriously, seemed to think it was no big deal he was late to an important event, possibly thought it was funny you were angry and seems to rely on his ADHD as an excuse for not trying to do anything about it.
I have struggled with chronic lateness my whole life and often wish for more grace and understanding from the world, but I also know I have to work on improving my ability to meet time expectations and that there are some people who cannot deal with my lateness.
But also, my lateness can be damaging/disrupting/upsetting to others, and it’s important to take responsibility for the impact (and try to implement systems to help, even if they fall through frequently: effort counts).
I think giving him a free pass for his actions because of his neurodivergence is a great idea.
I also think your family may be subject to societal tendencies to give men more of a pass (on taking responsibility) than women typically get, and that may be where part of your frustration is coming from.
But if you can’t deal with this type of situation anymore without yelling at him, break up, for him and for you.” QuitRelevant6085
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
ADHD isn’t a choice and the people living with it are incapable of being neurotypical (AKA ‘normal’).
He’s not talking about the ‘incident’ because he’s (probably) ruminating on it and making himself miserable. You absolutely hurt his feelings and probably brought up all the feelings of failure he’s had.
And he’s unlikely to talk to you about it. You’re no longer a ‘safe’ person; you’re another one in the long line of people that instead of accepting him as he is and working to develop systems where both of your needs are being met, you’ve snapped, blamed, and punished him.
Did he screw up? Yes. Do you have a right to be upset about it? Yes. Was it productive to yell at him and make him feel bad instead of finding a way to do it better next time? No.
I’m guessing he’s the first case of ADHD you’ve been around.
You can learn about it and make efforts with him to develop a healthy relationship together with the wonderful benefits and irritants of ADHD. Or you can demand he be ‘normal’ and always be disappointed and annoyed with him.” Weaselthorpe_House
12. AITJ For Not Wanting My Kids To Have The Spare Room?
“I (37f) have two kids (5 + 7). I and my husband (38m) just purchased a new 4 bedroom house. One room for me and my husband, one for each child, plus a spare.
Here’s where the trouble comes in.
I sew and craft a lot and would like a space for my equipment. My husband thinks we should bring the kids’ toys into the room for them to have a playroom. I do not like having my materials in the bedroom as I feel it cramps the space and looks quite cluttered. I also feel like I should have my own space as my husband has his computer with video games set up in the bedroom and my kids have both their rooms to play.
To add on – my kids have both their rooms, the living room, and the backyard to play in. I do not think they need an extra room to keep toys in as all of their toys fit nicely in their rooms. I also feel like keeping their toys mostly separate will stop arguments about who’s toy is who’s because they will have their own toys in their own rooms. They are also more than welcome to play and watch TV in the living room.
I feel like I do need the space to store and keep my materials and have space to myself where I can work undisturbed.
My husband is adamant about them having the playroom and keeping my sewing and art supplies in the bedroom. This has been a major point of contention and I really just need to know if this is a terribly unreasonable request. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m all for parents making sacrifices but let’s use logic.
Husband made his space in the bedroom for his downtime despite 2 people sleeping in there a 1/3rd of the time – therefore it is now cramped. No room for ANOTHER completely different hobby being set up.
Kid 1- has own bedroom, community quarters, and backyard Kid 2- has own bedroom, community quarters, backyard.
Mom – You deserve your space too.
NTJ. It’s not selfish to want your own space.” un_fitStrawberry2000
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I doubt the toys will stay in that room but in the meantime: Move his games and video stuff to the closet or bathroom to make room for your sewing machine.
His nightstand will make an excellent place for smaller items. Take his clothes out of the dresser and use them to store your fabric. Or suggest you two split the bonus room for gaming and sewing, everyone gets to spread out. The last option is to just move your stuff into the spare room ignoring his squawking.
If he stops talking to you it’ll give you more time for sewing. If he puts the kids’ toys in there, take them out. Repeat as needed. You both own the house, not just him, and if he’s not willing to compromise neither should you.” Ok_Homework8692
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You both have opinions about how best to utilize the space. Nobody is really wrong in this, but it isn’t really something you can compromise on unless you can share the space with your children. I doubt that would work well due to the differing nature of the two activities.
Plus they would likely mess up your stuff.
I don’t know your family’s dynamics for conflict resolution, but If you feel like you are justified in your opinions and depending on how often you would utilize the space, then I think you should stick to your guns.
Kids can play anywhere and if you set it up as a sewing room right off the bat, then you aren’t taking it away from them later if it doesn’t work in the bedroom space. They can’t miss what they never had.
He gets to set up a space for his hobby.
How do you think he would like it if he had to drag all of his gaming stuff out each time he wanted to play? And then put it back away when he was done? Probably wouldn’t last very long.
Has he never heard of ‘happy wife, happy life’?” Sandman0312
11. AITJ For Not Empathizing With My Partner?
“My partner is mad at me because he feels like I’m not very empathetic about the issues he faced as a child. I genuinely don’t see them as horrible as he says they were. My partner grew up in a very rich family (top 1% club) and mostly had a good relationship with both his parents.
However, he resents his father for sending him to a boarding school against his will and for being very strict with him before that. He didn’t like the school at first but it turned out to be a good thing for him eventually. Also, it was a really prestigious school (part of the Ten Schools Admissions Organization) and that really helped in shaping his future.
I had a way worse childhood. Grew up in a working-class people of color family. My parents fought all the time and I worked throughout high school because we were always tight on money.
With my background, I don’t see how his life was so traumatic.
His dad has apologized to him multiple times and he still uses his parents’ money and connections, I don’t really see it as a big problem.
He’s really upset with me and called me insensitive. AITJ?
Edit: I did try to be understanding about his trauma at first. But he continues to prioritize his family even when he hates them.
He barely ever talks about his trauma to them and likes to pretend that it’s all okay. It has become very frustrating when all he does is talk trash about his parents to me while not doing anything about it.”
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, no jerks here.
He’s on his own journey of dealing with his trauma, as you are on yours. I can definitely understand how difficult it would be to be compassionate towards someone who doesn’t recognize all the privileges he did have, which makes me wonder if perhaps your conversations about privilege haven’t gone well.
It sounds like you’re struggling to get to the deeper level with him. I would focus on that.” Free_butterfly_
Another User Comments:
“YTJ a little bit. You both are entitled to how you feel. Yes, he had it better financially compared to you but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t get to feel a certain way about his upbringing.
If your partner came from a broken home where both parents were addicted to something, do you think you would have the right to complain about your childhood just because you had to have a part-time job?
It’s not about who had it better but that we are all entitled to feel something about it, and expect our significant others to emphasize with us, even a little bit.” Aggressive_Cup8452
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
It’s fine for him to feel like he had issues during his childhood. You are not his therapist you are his partner. He can work through those issues with them. He needs to understand a majority of people aren’t going to look at his childhood and be sympathetic.
He simply had more than 99% of the people. I’d bet part of his issue is guilt over the family money and privilege yet still being unhappy.
There are people saying trauma Olympics! Everyone’s trauma is valid! But it really isn’t that simple, every person has a right to feel how they want, but you can’t expect everyone to be empathetic toward your feelings.
Their own life experiences shape their view of the world. Your experiences make it hard to empathize with rich kid problems and that’s also okay too. But y’all both need to recognize that.” KingDerpDerp
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You don’t get to decide that because he had a lot of money and nice things growing up that he must’ve lived on Easy Street.
Boarding schools exist primarily so that rich parents can have the bare minimum contact and responsibility for their children until they are of an acceptable age, temperament, and behavior that the parents can be seen in their social circles with the kid without dying of embarrassment.
Some parents, rich or not, see their kids as status symbols that allow them to move freely within certain social circles, which means they’re essentially using their kids for their own advancement.
There’s this behavior that a lot of people do without realizing that it’s harmful.
It’s called invidious comparison. Invidious means (of comparison or distinction) unfairly discriminating; unjust. ‘It seems invidious to make special mention of one aspect of his work’. Basically you’ve just done that by minimizing his childhood hardships and comparing his upbringing to yours.” sharirogers
10. AITJ For Overreacting When My Daughter Dropped A Chocolate Near Our Dog?
“My family including me (29f), spouse (42), and stepdaughter (10f) have a 1.5-year-old golden retriever who is very excitable and energetic, always in everyone’s business. My stepdaughter is also quite energetic and slightly absent-minded (symptoms of ADHD).
Last month, my stepdaughter was eating grapes. As my stepdaughter was pulling the grapes off the stems, she dropped 2 grapes.
The dog was nearby but didn’t get the grapes. However, after picking up and throwing out the dropped grape, my stepdaughter dropped another one, and this time dog ate it. Called the emergency vet (which occurred on a Sunday) and we had to drive the dog for 1 hour to the pet hospital to induce vomiting.
Expensive trip but worth it to save the dog. We took my stepdaughter with us to see that even accidents have consequences and that it is important to slow down and be careful, we thought this sunk in.
Fast forward to tonight. Stepdaughter asks for chocolate as a snack.
She tried to sneak off with a bag full of chocolate coins but as I saw this I told her to ask my spouse if she could have all of that at once (she tends to overeat sweets if not supervised). She went back to the kitchen and was told she can have 3 coins.
So stepdaughter opened the pouch and dropped a coin. She picked it up and I came out to see what happened when I heard my spouse asking her why that keeps happening. Just then, my stepdaughter accidentally drops the entire bag of chocolate coins and the dog goes after them all.
I shouted, ‘No, no, no!’ And snatched the chocolate coins from the floor, dog’s mouth, and stepdaughter’s hands and said ‘we are done with this I’ve had enough.’ I set the coins on the table then my spouse threw them out.
My stepdaughter ran upstairs bawling and my spouse reprimanded me for my reaction. I feel bad for my stepdaughter but even accidents have consequences and this is a lot of close calls with the dog. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She’s a 10-year-old with ADHD and your dog is a DOG.
If the child wants to eat a thing that will harm the dog, and you already know she’s excitable and sometimes clumsy, buy a gate for the doorway so the dog can’t enter a room when the child is eating something that could kill your dog.
You are SCREAMING at a child and punishing her for being a child when you are a grown woman and your husband even older, and neither of you is bothering to take any other precautions.
This is a little girl, crying and scared after getting screamed at and all her candy thrown away because of an ACCIDENT on her part, meanwhile, the ADULTS in the house can’t come up with better solutions.
YTJ in a massive way.” HoneyMCMLXXIII
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but please be sure to communicate to your step-daughter that you aren’t mad at her, you’re worried about the dog. Don’t let this build into resentment towards her and also don’t let her think that you hate her.
I know this may sound overdramatic, but as a girl who was diagnosed with ADHD at 16, a lot of my childhood was spent with adults getting mad at symptoms I could not control and me thinking I was broken and unfixable, even if the actual situations made sense to be mad at.
If she does have ADHD and these are all just accidents, remember that it’s probably a lot harder for her than it seems like. ADHD can really, really mess with your ability to remember doing even the simplest things, no matter how many times you’ve been told them.
Still, she should not be putting the dog in danger. Explain this to her. Apologize for shouting but also make sure she understands that her being absentminded about this particular topic can be seriously dangerous and ask her to be really careful in the future.
She should be old enough to understand and try harder, but she’s also young enough to get really scared of your shouting and her own inability to focus.
I hope this makes some amount of sense, I’m not saying you are the jerk at all, just providing some perspective from someone who used to be the kid here.” frenziedfae
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. There was no reason to yell at my stepdaughter for dropping something. What needs to happen is a plan to prevent further accidents. Anything that could hurt the dog should be dished out by you or your wife to your stepdaughter.
You’ve listed 2 occurrences that were clearly accidents. Your stepdaughter got nervous when her mother blamed her for dropping the chocolate when it should have been given to her by one of you. Your yelling will not change anything but make her more nervous around the dog.
Perhaps you should also work on training your dog to sit on command and prevent him from getting over-excited.” squirrelsareevil2479
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, you should teach your stepdaughter to put food on the counter when she’s removing the packaging, pulling it off the stem, etc. instead of doing so over the floor.
You should also work with a trainer to teach your dog that it may only eat after it’s heard a verbal cue such as, dig in, go ahead, bon appetit.
Ingrained training saved my dog’s life. We make our dogs sit on the sidewalk before they cross the street.
They are not allowed to put so much as a paw on the street until my husband or I say, ‘Okay.’ Once my dog got out the front door; she ran to the intersection and sat on the sidewalk until we retrieved her.” maccrogenoff
9. AITJ For Taking My Daughter's Car Key?
“I have a 16-year-old daughter. My mother passed away 2 years ago, leaving our daughter a great sum of money since she is the only grandchild. We were reluctant and to let her dig into it before she was 18 for fear she would not be responsible, but she convinced us after taking her driver’s test to allow her to get a car.
She had also started working a part-time job to maintain insurance.
Since then, my daughter has been fired from her job. She’s been sneaking out late at night and driving who knows where or just leaving school early. We found vape pens and cartridges.
My wife specials as a therapist, and we are aware of the importance of mental health, we have tried communicating with her and asking her if this could be a reason for her outburst, offering help, or even if she just wanted to talk to us.
She straight up tells us it’s not that, she just gets ‘caught in the moment.’ Along with that she’s been kicked out of her school and being sent to a disciplinary school.
We obviously are deeply concerned, but since she’s been a teenager she has had disciplinary issues.
My wife and I decided her punishment would be taking her keys. No more extra freedom of her own transportation. We’ve tried less drastic consequences in the past and none have phased her including revoking cell phone (she just finds a new one from her friends) and grounding her in her room.
This keys situation though, made her go ballistic. She started screaming that we had no right, she paid for her car and it was in her name. I told her she was a minor so we did in fact have a right. She tried making an excuse about how now she couldn’t go to school, and we said we’d provide transportation.
She’s very upset by this and told us she hates us, we don’t care about her, and has locked herself in her room.
My wife and I are lost at what to do, but I don’t think we’re the jerks.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ — you are a parent, not a friend, and you are doing the right thing. Oftentimes, parents want to be liked by their children and allow them to do whatever they want instead of what they actually need.
I used to hate my mom for instilling strict rules in me, including night curfew.
Now that I am a grown-up adult, I thank her for that. The kids who had permissive parents became teen moms, deadbeats, and addicts.
Don’t let your daughter’s ballistic reaction sidetrack the problem. Your daughter is clearly an immature teenager who is still learning responsibility.
She already lost her job, and is sneaking out at night, and using illegal stuff. You need to have some control now more than ever.” Looking-for-advice30
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for taking the keys.
But you are the jerk for not nipping this in the bud earlier.
Your daughter has been ditching school, sneaking out, smoking, and somehow doing something to get herself kicked out of school.
And you’ve said that you’ve been having disciplinary issues with her her whole teenage years. The correct answer there was to be a parent, refuse to give her access to her inheritance until she was a legal adult, not let her buy a car, and not let her get a job.” FingHateReddit
Another User Comments:
“Of course NTJ, she needs to have a taste of the consequences of her wrong behavior. She leaves the school early because she can with the car. Obviously, she should lose the car… and probably long term… She seems like a mess… she needs to have some responsibilities in the household chores as well… Sounds like she had too much time on her hands… plus cut her pocket money.
If she has enough to spend on illegal stuff!?
She should not have access to that much money then. You are her parents and you have the last 2 years you can actually do anything about it. If you can legally move her inheritance into a savings account or in an education fund so it is not easily accessible to blow off once she gains full access as an adult.
Also, it might help to take her to do some charity work for the less fortunate… so she sees a different perspective of life and actually appreciates that she has a roof over her head… and how important it is to finish her education and not mess up with herself to end up at the edge of the society.” Gauri108
8. AITJ For Taking My Kids Out To Dinner While My Sister's Family Is Staying At Our Place?
“My sister’s husband took off and left her with their two kids. She is having a hard time supporting herself and her kids so I’ve let her and her kids move in with me.
I figured it would be a win-win for both of us since I am also a single parent and could use some help with childcare for my own two kids.
We haven’t run into any issues so far except when it comes to this one thing.
I have since pretty much forever gotten takeout or gone out to eat once a week. It’s sort of a special rewards meal for the end of the week. Now that I have kids I, of course, include them and nowadays I just let them take turns and take turns choosing what we’re going to have.
Soon after my sister moved in I realized that she could not afford to go out to eat or get takeout every week. It’s not in my budget to pay for them in addition to my own family. I thought it would be mean to order takeout in front of them though so I made a new rule with my kids that for the time being, we were not going to get takeout and only go out to eat for our special meal. My kids were fine with it because they could still go to their favorite places.
On this past Saturday before we left one of my nieces got upset because we were going out without them again and they never get to have ‘good food’ anymore. Other niece also said it wasn’t fair and it turned into hysterics, so we quickly left.
My sister has now asked that I not take my kids out as much anymore. Instead, she thinks we could just do pizza once a month altogether and that it wouldn’t be such a big deal to stop going out. I’m okay with the idea of pizza once a month with them, but I think it’s a little unfair to my kids to stop our tradition for the remaining weeks of the month when they look forward to it so much.
Also on a selfish note, I really enjoy it. With three other people in the house I don’t get as much time alone with my kids. I enjoy the company of my sisters and nieces, but sometimes I just want to have a meal alone with my kids.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I do think having more of a roommate-like dinner approach would have made it less obvious when you guys do other things, but failing that, framing it in the first instance as each family getting alone time such that it still felt special to them at home would have been better than you guys just heading out once a week while her kid’s piece together that it’s for a special outing that they can’t have.
For now, your sister should find non-food things or cheap food things that make that night fun. Maybe that’s their movie night, or build a blanket fort night, or pancakes for dinner night. Maybe every once in a while you make it something other than dinner so your outing isn’t centered around food – eat at home and then take just your kids to the park or for a drive or something your sister theoretically could afford, so that is about family time, not their lack of money.” SnooPets8873
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You have given her and her children a place to live. You didn’t agree to be married to her. It sounds like you do ‘family style’ most of the time but this is a tradition that you and your kids have done for a long time.
It’s sad that she doesn’t have the money to take her kids out like that, but it’s also not your fault nor should your kids be punished for her unfortunate circumstances. As it is, they have to share their house and you and probably a lot of their things with their cousins now, so taking something away wouldn’t be fair.
Maybe she and her kids could participate once or twice a month where you pool your money and bring take-out food home for everyone to share and the other times you can take your kids out with you and she can maybe make something special at home for her kids.
There are a lot of ways to do ‘special meals’ without spending a lot of money, at home. She and her kids could make homemade pizzas or something, on those nights you take your kids out.
On her part, she could be focusing on building those traditions that she can afford, with her kids, now that she is single – and that would be a good thing.
When I was first single with my kids, we got stuff from the Dollar Tree (craft things) and once a week we painted or glued or did something crafty. And these were the things they gave to their Grandparents for Christmas. It cost very little but was a tradition that we started and it continued until my kids were out of high school!” MissSuzieSunshine
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
I understand your sister asking about it. But I don’t think you need to change it.
If you can do pizza once a month with her and the kids and then continue with your kids the other weeks, hopefully, they understand in time.
Maybe let them know you are so happy that they are with you and you know they’ve had some changes. Mention the monthly pizza. I’d also mention that it’s important for you and your kids to have/maintain some traditions of your own.
Maybe your sister could set up an ice bar or s’mores making or something fun for the nights you’re out or an indoor picnic and movie or maybe you all do it together another night.
It’s hard having extra people in the house and it’s important for you and your kids to be able to get some time alone and do some check-ins.
Your sister probably just wants to fix it the easiest way for her and the kids and she should explain that she understands it can be hard seeing you guys go out, but that it’s important for you as a family to have this time together.
It doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It’s ok for them to be sad/frustrated, but you should have some things as a family.” travelkmac
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your budget and your family traditions both include you and the kids enjoying eating out together once a week.
Your sister needs to be grateful for all that you’re able to do for her and realize that asking you to suspend your weekly tradition will wear out her welcome faster. If she’s committed to moving out within the next few weeks, it might be a reasonable request. If there is no end in sight for her and her kids staying with you, she simply needs to come to grips with the fact that you can’t afford to raise her standard of living to match yours AND it’s unreasonable to ask you to lower your standard of living to what she can afford.
She’s already quite fortunate that you’re willing to let her stay with you.” throw05282021
7. AITJ For Taking A Bath Only Once Every Week?
“It is winter where I live so I’m consistently cold and not really sweating or anything. I usually shower when I feel gross and it usually takes me 5-6 days before I actually start to feel gross.
I’m not crazy, in the summer when it’s hot and sticky I shower every 2-3 days like normal but it just doesn’t feel necessary in the winter!
Anyway, the inciting incident here was on Sunday. I was ordering more shampoo and commented on how the price had almost doubled since the last time.
My partner (29F) asked when I last ordered it and it was sometime in mid-2020. She was shocked ‘how did it take you almost 3 years to go through a bottle of shampoo?’ I told her that I don’t use a lot and eventually, we got into how frequently I showered and she acted like I was crazy.
She didn’t even know that I was averaging one shower a week because I keep good hygiene. I groom myself regularly and wear deodorant so I don’t think anyone can really tell the difference. Then, my partner, we’ll call her Garnet, starts going on about ‘oh that explains the smell’ and stuff like that.
I totally think she was just making it up at this point. I’ve been with her for 2 years and she’s never commented about smell or anything. There’s no way she just happened to decide that I smell bad now that she knows my shower schedule.
She’s just trying to shame me. We argued for a while about it and then she went home.
Today, I saw my mom (56F) for lunch and I told her about it. She agreed with me that it was fine and that she’s never thought that I looked greasy or unclean.
My mom also said that I should consider showering at least a couple times a week if Garnet has a problem with it, but if she can’t actually tell the difference why bother? I’m considering trying to say that I’m showering every other day but keeping my normal routine.
If she can actually tell the difference she will know but if not then it’s just a little white lie. Is this wrong for me to do?
Am I a supervillain just because I’m not following the societal norm? I remember reading that overshowering can cause head lice but no one even talks about that.
Has anyone else been in a similar scenario?
EDIT: I am going to start showering more to prevent the buildup of harmful bacteria.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The problem with body odor, or bad breath and stuff like that is the people who have it are oblivious to it.
You think your partner was being passive-aggressive, but in reality, she was probably embarrassed to tell it to your face until you came clean (pun intended).
There’s no way on Earth someone’s hair doesn’t get greasy, balls don’t get sweaty after a week without showering.
And antiperspirants aren’t a replacement for showering. Please show me a deodorant that says ‘120-hour protection’ on the label.” MurderKillRiver
Another User Comments:
“Nothing can cause head lice other than… head lice. It’s a tiny critter that lives on your scalp if you get exposed to it.
Unless you have a shower head that extrudes lice, showering can’t cause head lice. It’s impossible.
It’s possible your partner never noticed any issues with your hygiene and is just grossed out by the idea of only showering once a week.
Or, it’s possible she’s always noticed a smell or other sign of poor hygiene but didn’t say anything because she assumed you were already showering daily and it was something that couldn’t be helped, and she saw no reason to be unkind about something out of your control – and now that she knows it could be improved would like you to try.
Which is it? Impossible to know. And you can’t say she ‘couldn’t tell the difference’ if she’s only ever experienced you one way – she’d have to be exposed to the difference before you’ll know if she can tell or not.
Not everyone needs to shower daily in all circumstances.
Maybe you don’t, maybe you do. Why not give it a try and see how it goes? 2x a week would not be much more burden than 1x a week but would double the frequency and cut your ‘getting gross’ days in half.
By the way, if you wait until you feel really gross you’ve probably waited at least a day too long.
Good luck! No jerks here” SummitJunkie7
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Hair washing once a week might be fine IF you have the type of hair that does better with that, which is a big if given the situation. I have no idea how you could make a bottle of shampoo last over 150 showers, though, unless it’s a seriously huge bottle.
But washing your actual body? Nope. She’s politely not been mentioning the smell because she thought it was something you couldn’t help, but it is something you can help and you need to deal with that and shower more.
People who don’t shower regularly get desensitized to their own smell, which is probably why you don’t notice.
Often they’re also desensitized to the smell of others, which could be why your mum doesn’t notice if you’ve picked up this poor hygiene from your family and she’s the same.” nemaline
6. AITJ For Giving Advice To My Gay Stepsister?
“When I was 18, my mom remarried my stepdad who had a baby girl, and we became as close as any sisters as she grew up. I’m now 34 and she’s 17.
Last week, she got outed at school and to make a bad situation worse, her dad was mad at her, said she was lying for attention, and when she said it was for real, called her a slur.
She came over to my apartment distraught and looking for some advice, I’m a lesbian and have been out for years.
I told her that I was so sorry that happened, and that was trashy since she deserved to be able to decide who to tell and when.
But she wasn’t the only one outed.
Her dad? He just outed himself as a bigot. He outed himself as someone who should have never become a parent if he wasn’t ready to love and accept his own child.
And her school administrators? Outed themselves as negligent, probably even in the legal sense.
But overall, when I come out, I often out other people wayyy harder than I out myself. It can be hard, but it can also feel empowering, to take a torch to the darkness, light it for all to see, and burn it away.
Just by being in the room, and letting people tell on themselves, we’re outing bigots.
So I let them talk, and then go tell whoever I want. I let them become known as ignorant and bigoted, cause that’s a lot worse than being known as queer.
I told her it was horrible her story was taken from her, but I hoped she knew it isn’t taken forever.
It’s her right to say as much or as little to whoever she wants.
And if someone gossips? They don’t know her heart, they’re just revealing their own hatred and ugliness. So don’t let it eat at you. So document and record it if you want.
Share it if you want, or keep it just in case. But whatever you do, it’s all your call. It always is.
We talked well into the night. And she was feeling way better afterward, and ready to go home and face her dad again.
Well, shortly after she went home, my mom called me. She said that my sis had come home and told her dad that they should ‘agree to disagree’ about her orientation, and anything further he had to say about it spoke only to his own character.
And when he tried to argue she took out her phone and started filming and saying ‘Do tell… You had a child and weren’t ready to love it? Get a DOG if you want something that’ll come back begging when you mistreat it’.
My mom called me furious because she thought I’d coached her on what to say, which I genuinely hadn’t.
I told her what advice I had given, and she was angry I even said that much and asked me if it would have killed me to say that I think her dad loves her and to give him some time to understand. I was irate to hear that honestly because… Like what she actually said was heartbreaking and it hurts to hear my mom and stepdad didn’t listen one bit.
AITJ for the advice I gave?
Update: I had a real heart-to-heart with my mom today, and we talked through why her words about how I should have told my sister her father loves her were so hurtful.
(Basically, because it is a dangerous message to give a young woman, to conflate love and hate.
And I’ll never be comfortable passing along a ‘he does it because he loves you and just doesn’t understand’ message after I’ve seen something utterly devoid of love happen. No girl deserves to be taught that’s what love looks like.)
She understood 100% and apologized to me for having said that in the first place, she had been trying to smooth over an argument she walked into the middle of without the full context.
I told her what her husband had said, she actually hadn’t had the whole story yesterday, and that’s the only reason she gave that out-of-touch advice. As soon as she knew the whole context, especially about the slur, she was horrified, and completely understood why my sister was furious at her father, and completely stood by her.
We worked things out so that my sister will be staying with me for the next two weeks until her father’s next big business trip abroad (He takes a lot of those, and for once that’s feeling like a good thing). And anytime up until she starts college, she’ll always have a home at my place too.
My mom’s going to take that time in the next few weeks to really have some hard conversations with her husband.
I honestly trust her with that and trust her to do right by my sister. When I came out as a teenager she was my biggest protector and ally, she’s been there for me in such meaningful ways, and I can tell she’s stepping up in all the same ways for my sister.
I really believe she has both of our backs, no matter what, and said something a little ignorant out of an understandable amount of shock and denial that her husband is as homophobic as he is.
So we’re going to be all right. Past this, I’m going to keep things private.
I was honestly feeling unsure if I said the right things because I was so on the spot and had never prepared to help someone through this crap, I only said what I wish someone told me as a teenager.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You gave her excellent advice.
You helped her develop thick mental skin and empowered her against people who would belittle who she is just… because. No real reason, just because they can’t get past their bigotry. And so when she came back to her parent’s house, the mask fell off completely, and they revealed themselves as what they truly are.
People just playing at being parents, who say they love their child… so long as it conforms to their facade of one. And they refused to accept it, and rather than blame their lack of acceptance and their faults, of course, they had to blame you because it is easier.
Because you are one of ‘them’.
Absolutely disgusting. Thankfully she has you. Which is more than a lot of people have. And I learned a new perspective as well. I wish I had had a big sister like you growing up (I’m not gay, but I was bullied because I was functionally autistic and it wasn’t evident growing up, but I was ‘off’ to what was ‘normal’).
I would have had a much better childhood and adolescence.” Osherono
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Yeah, nothing good is going to come from this. You basically did the equivalent of telling someone their parents never wanted them/had been thinking about aborting them: it’s something a relationship can’t come back from or recover after.
You’ve basically doomed her to this being her truth. It’s permanent now. ‘Dad hates her and is a bigot who never loved nor should have had her’ is written on her soul. Rather than this was a temporary moment of emotion and misunderstanding and there’s hope.
Dad might have come around eventually, just like someone who didn’t want a kid may end up feeling it’s the best thing to have happened to them.
But even if that happens now, because of what you said, there’s no room for that growth, and you helped her burn that bridge and trapped her on that island she’s now going to be on all alone.
She’s 17. You stamping your pep talk on her distraught, emotional brain like branded scripture may have just cost her her college and living security. Because if she continues to be that aggressive and angry for the next year, (which a teenager is more than capable of doing,) I honestly can’t see them wanting to keep her around as she does irreparable harm to them and their feelings for her.
Do your best to backtrack this immediately, before everything gels and can’t be undone further. Sometimes we need hopeful lies.” millac7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You supported your sibling who was feeling heartbroken, and vulnerable and needed help from someone who she felt safe with.
You did what you had to do.
It’s wild how your mom’s more concerned about how her husband (a grown-up adult) feels, rather than her daughter who has to go through so much more at school AND at home (a place that should be her safe space).
She needs to get her priorities straight. Parents can make mistakes too and she needs to accept that.
You can throw her words right back at her. Would it have killed her husband to say ‘I love you but think I need time to understand,’ rather than throwing out false narratives and slurs?
To put their child and their feelings first?
Also, what your stepsister said while filming? Simply iconic! Amazing!” thefujoshi
5. AITJ For Advising My Partner To Change Her Hair Color?
“My (26) partner (24) of 3 years is wonderful. She’s punky, outgoing, gorgeous, and has a unique personal style. I love her to death. Every bit of her. And this is about her hair.
Don’t get me wrong I have always loved her hair in every color and she used to dye it once every few weeks to new colors and such. When she takes care of it, it’s what they call ‘Unicorn’ (?) hair. It’s rainbow essentially. It’s cool and her style and she’s like a living Ramona Flowers.
Now onto the issue. She hasn’t kept up with it for over a year. Her regular hair is brown and has grown a lot so she has two-tone hair now on top of what’s faded. The rest of her hair is swampy and green and orange and lots of faded colors showing through yellow hair and while I don’t know much about hair, it looks like it’s going to break off if she so much as brushes it the wrong way.
It’s fluffy and just looks, for lack of a better term, bad. Honestly, though it looks very bad.
Personally, I don’t truly care. It doesn’t bug me. I know she used to care a lot about her hair so idk when or why she got apathetic about it as she does keep up other personal care habits like getting her nails done monthly and getting new tattoos.
The issue is since dropping out of school this last semester she’s been looking for work and a few of the ideas she has had are working in makeup stores (? only question cause I don’t know if that’s what they’re officially called) to be a floor artist (?).
She’s been taught but has wanted to go into makeup for a while. She has an interview next week and has been asking about what to wear… I gave her my input (business casual black clothing) and did comment on her hair at the time that she may want to either go back to her regular color or go get a haircut or new dye job to show off her style.
Will note first said in a positive light since I know it can be a sensitive topic.
She asked what I meant and it got into a whole thing with her keep badgering me to tell her what I meant and how I thought of her hair.
The way I see it, the beauty industry is going to judge how their employees look regarding beauty (not like things you can’t change, I mean like hair, makeup, nails, and stuff) and that her hair, since being neglected for months, needs to be refreshed cause it looks really unhealthy and dirty and she immediately shot me down and said I was being misogynistic and trying to ‘change her’ to my own preferences.
She undoubtedly told her friends and now they all think I’m a controlling jerk too.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Makeup stores base hiring on appearance, absolutely. Your partner’s faded, unkept hair is absolutely what is preventing her from getting hired at these places.
If you personally wanted her to change her hair for your benefit that would be bad, but you say you don’t care about it personally. I think that advising her that it would help hiring managers see that she would be a good fit is a correct and good advice.” laetum-helianthus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Looking ‘neglected’ is never good for job interviews, especially one as appearance based, as ‘superficial’ as cosmetic sales.
She sounds depressed or in denial or something. Hair care with fancy colors requires a lot of expensive and time-consuming upkeep, and it is ultimately damaging to the hair.
She may be in denial. She may be unsure of what to do and is just stuck. But what she shouldn’t do is go look for a job where appearance is a big important deal.” YouthNAsia63
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You were answering about how she’d be perceived in a work interview.
In particular in an interview where the specifics of her appearance are extremely important.
You were not bringing it up for any other reason.
She and her flying monkeys are being the jerks here, because they all leaped to the assumption you’re a controlling jerk in general, from a question she asked. In a context where it absolutely would matter.
Appearance matters a lot in interviews anyways. I imagine it’s a lot more true in interviews for a makeup position.” bmyst70
4. AITJ For Not Hiding My Tattoos?
“My (22F) friend (24F) recently got married, and this situation has been playing in my head ever since.
I have quite a handful of tattoos, my chest is done, I have a full back piece, and I have my arms done (not fully but enough for it to be pretty hard to cover), none of my tattoos have offensive things, they’re flowers, butterflies, I have a tattoo dedicated to my mom, my back piece is a very bold Japanese style dragon, with cherry blossoms around it to fill out the space.
The wedding had an elegant dress code, we had to wear formal full-length evening gowns, which was a nice choice. I bought a dress a few months ago specifically for this event, it was full-length as asked, and it had off-the-shoulder straps (I’m really bad at describing it), and it was also black, and quite pricey (it was hard to find a dress like this around me).
A month before the event, my friend called me and told me she wants me to wear a dress that ‘covers my ink’ to the wedding. I informed her I had already bought a dress for her wedding and reminded her that I sent her photos of it.
She told me she just saw it and that she wanted me to find a different one. I told her I wasn’t going to be able to return the dress I bought and she told me to suck it up and that I should’ve known she would’ve wanted me to cover my tattoos, even though she is heavily tattooed. I asked if she would pay me back for the dress as it was expensive and she had plenty of time to tell me her specific request and she told me no. I was a little angry, to say the least, but said okay.
I couldn’t find a dress that met her specific requests to save my life. I looked online and most of the top parts were lace and see-through, I am also allergic to lace, or it’s an irritant at least (actually found this out while shopping for the original dress.).
I went to shops all around town, even traveled out of my way to look at boutiques, and still couldn’t find anything.
The day before the wedding came and I called her multiple times, but she didn’t pick up. I called her house, and her fiance/husband picked up, I explained that I couldn’t find a dress to cover all my tattoos and that I wouldn’t be able to come to the wedding.
He told me she would want me to be there, and not only that the reservations will be messed up if I don’t come. I told him I didn’t want to cause any drama and would rather not come. He told me it was nonsense and told me to show up, it won’t matter at the end of the day.
I did show up and wore a shawl over my shoulder to at least attempt to hide the tattoos. And all I got were side eyes from her and daggers. She’s still mad at me for not being able to meet her request, but her husband and the rest of our friends think that her requests were out of line.
Edit 1: I was not part of the bridal party, I was offered right at the beginning but I knew I wouldn’t be able to dedicate as much time as everyone else since I am in school becoming a Nurse Practitioner, and I also work as a nurse doing 12’s and sometimes more.
Edit 2: I know you can’t be allergic to lace, just saying the bodily reaction I had was very similar to an allergic reaction, I broke out into hives and almost scratched my skin raw when I tried on a dress with lace sleeves and lace top.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The request to select a dress that covered your tattoos is not unreasonable, BUT that request should have been made at the time that the bride-to-be requested you select a full-length dress. It’s no different than if she had told you months after picking your dress that it had to be green.
It sounds like you tried to accommodate her anyway, and went so far as to clear it with the groom, so certainly NTJ.” fluffytheorc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She should have requested it when she set the dress code and actually made it part of the dress code.
Not a month before the wedding after you already bought a dress. It sounds like an awesome dress. Plus, you wore a shawl. There can’t be a lot that was showing.
Plus, being a tattooed person as well, it is really hard to find anything formal to cover all your tattoos.
I’ve tried, and I’ve failed. Were there others with tattoos showing? Just curious.
She needs to get over it.” ImaginaryStandard293
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She knew she invited a friend with tattoos, and if it was really that big of an issue she’d say it immediately.
I have a conservative family that requires us to be covered for celebrations with them, but we know in ADVANCE.
You already abided by the dress code in what sounds like a lovely gown! Even tried to do it anyway and still adapted with a shawl.
She was absolutely out of line!!! Hope you enjoyed your time otherwise and you’re friend can she how silly of a thing this is to get between homies.” DoctorAnonagonapus
3. AITJ For Not Eating My Partner's Aunt's Salmon?
“So I (M) spent Christmas Eve at my partner’s aunt’s house (hereafter, ‘hostess’). There’s a lot of food, buffet style.
I got some salmon and sat down on a couch with my partner. Took a bite, and see while the top is cooked, the bottom is raw. My partner said it was probably catered and that one salmon was just bad.
I’m very nervous even being there because my partner had been telling me his family didn’t have a high opinion of me and this was a time for them to kick the tires, so to speak.
Seeing the salmon made me even more nervous because what if not eating it made me seem like I’m insulting the hostess? I decide to cut up the salmon and move it all around the plate so it looked like I ate more than I did and the hostess wouldn’t notice.
She noticed. And it turns out it wasn’t catered. My partner’s other aunt (hereafter, ‘aunt’) was asked to cook the salmon and apparently likes sushi a lot so she undercooked it the way she liked it. My partner tells me this apparently caused a very big scandal. I was never told exactly what the scandal was by the family, or exactly why they think I was a jerk, though I imagine the hostess felt I was insulting her for wasting food at her house, and aunt felt my not eating her food was an insult to her cooking.
The hostess afterward told me I should have given the food to her to microwave. I nervously stammer something I don’t remember what.
I am told a month later by my partner that his mom and her sisters still gossip about it. His mom has come around to me, I think, so I don’t think she is saying mean things, but I am told aunt doesn’t like me anymore.
I stand by not eating it. It was out for more than 2 hours: aunt lived more than an hour from the hostess’s house, the food had been out at that house for at least 30 minutes-1hour, and I didn’t notice condensation on the container so the salmon had been out long enough to cool to room temperature before being put in the container.
Microwaving can’t kill all the bacteria that can develop on raw food that has been out for hours. And I had gotten food poisoning from salmon sushi only a few weeks prior.
I am wondering whether this was in poor taste, and I was the jerk for insulting aunt.
She throws lots of nice parties so maybe I should have trusted she knew what she was doing and eaten it…
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I imagine that they’d have been upset if you’d asked to cook the salmon more too. A definite no-win situation for you, unfortunately.
Keep mentioning your prior food poisoning experience with salmon to anyone who brings it up. Ask them how they’d feel if someone asked them to re-cook food they’d prepared in their own home & then ask them if they’d have preferred you ate it & suffered the consequences of possible food poisoning whilst you were there instead.
They know they’ll be the jerks for saying yes to any of those things (which they would be). You were trying to be as polite as possible. NTJ.” CaroSCP
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but why are you being told about his family gossip? If your partner is the one telling you about his own family’s gossip but kind of sounds like he’s trying to appropriate drama because it’s not necessary to hear that someone doesn’t like something about you or talks about you.
What other people say or think about you is never any of your business until it becomes defamation. You seem like a sweetheart and very anxious and you should not have to also hear about other people’s negative ideations of you by any means.” _Kaleidoscopic_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and the dynamics of this family give me acid reflux.
Food poisoning is real. Your concern was valid. And someone else’s ‘cooked to taste’ is not every single person at the gathering’s consent to eat undercooked food.
Your partner seems, in my opinion, stuck in a search for approval from a family that lacks boundaries and it’s making you the source.
It’s not comforting to know your (again, valid) concern is still being whispered and giggled about. It’s not comforting to know your partner is continuing this rather than shutting it down.” sketes-scrotum
2. AITJ For Not Feeding My Classmate's Daughters?
“So I (F31) met Lisa (F36) in my accounting class and we started to bond because we are both adult students.
She is severely behind on her homework because she said her pipes broke and she has to shower at a hotel every weekend with her 2 daughters. During the week, she has to take wash-ups in her sink. She is taking 7 classes this semester to graduate on time in May.
She asked if I could stay with her at school to have a homework session. I told her that it is very uncomfortable for me to stay at school to do homework because 1. My son comes home from school around 345 and I need to be home when he gets there.
2. It is so uncomfortable to sit at school and do homework. I need to be in the comfort of my own home. So I invited her and her two daughters over for a homework session and also a play date. She thanked me and told me she’ll bring a pizza for the kids and she’ll be there at 630 pm.
I have been wanting to cook curry chicken and rice for a while so I decided to cook it before she arrived. She then came earlier than expected (530 pm). I made enough for myself, herself, and also my neighbor and her kids because they are big fans of what I made, but not for my son and my classmate’s kids.
My son (6) already told me that he wanted ramen instead and also she said she was bringing pizza. So she comes and immediately goes upstairs to poop. It was a little awkward but didn’t think too much about it.
I noticed she didn’t bring any pizza and I asked about it.
She said that she got her two daughters (5 and 9) Wendy’s instead. I asked her daughter how old she was and she said 5. She’s taller than my son and weighs more. Her mom immediately corrects her and says 3. This kid also had a speech impediment.
I apologize to the mom because I notice the daughters looking around and asking for food. The nine-year-old was very blunt and kept asking for the food, popcorn, and ramen.
I made enough for myself to have leftovers the next day but I also told myself it was not my responsibility.
Obviously, the kids are either poor and don’t have enough adequate food or either have a mental illness or both.
A few hours later, the kids said they didn’t want to leave and the mom asked for them to spend the night and I said no because I was very overwhelmed, and plus it’s a weeknight and it’s their first time here.
AITJ for not giving them my leftovers which were one piece of chicken, rice, and veggies, and telling them no about spending the night?
I did give the kids snacks. (Popcorn and Oreos) she said the 9-year-old’s Wendy’s ‘accidentally’ got thrown away.
Edit: I invited her over for dinner and she declined saying, she had class tonight.
I said the kids can come over when she goes to school instead of staying with dad at the house. At least that is what she told me about what happens when she does go to school.
I spoke to her today and she said her kids just like to constantly beg for food but they’re fine.
I told her I had never seen kids beg like that and she made it seem normal and said their family is fine and safe.”
Another User Comments:
“Her pipes aren’t ‘broken’. She and her kids are homeless. That’s why she is washing up in the sink at school every day, and it’s why she immediately went to use your bathroom when she arrived (I’m sure your facilities are much nicer than those at gas stations or other public places).
It’s why she asked you to let them stay overnight.
You are NTJ for not wanting to take on the job of feeding and housing her and her kids. This is a very sad situation – but it’s not your responsibility to fix it, and it seems pretty clear that it’s a case where if you give an inch, she’ll try to take a mile.
Don’t invite her over or offer food again. If she asks for help, tell her you can help her find local services and organizations which can help her with food and other necessities.” cat-lover76
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She’s trying to play you. Don’t let her come over again, keep saying no.
For those who think otherwise, who comes an hour early, without the promised food, allows her kids to demand food, AND asks a near stranger to let them spend the night? Someone who is used to taking advantage of soft-hearted people.
If she persists, point her toward food banks and social services for help.
If she complains, shrug and walk away.
Not your monkeys, not your circus.” the_owl_syndicate
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Boundaries are important. Especially with someone who has financial issues and is probably homeless. It’s a sad situation, but desperate people will take advantage of someone’s kindness.
Not out of dishonesty, just desperation. She’s trying to feed her kids and get them a warm, safe place to sleep for a night. And she’s trying to better herself.
Sit her down and tell her you to know that she’s homeless. Be prepared for a lot of emotions and a story.
You need to maintain FIRM boundaries. There are women’s shelters, though I’ve heard it can be safer on the streets. Find out what avenues are available, and have a list ready. Beware of victimhood, which presents as no solution will work. If she has a problem for every solution, back out and shore up those boundaries.” Moondancer999
1. AITJ For Selling A Used Car?
“8 days ago I sold a used car to a woman. I was the second owner and I know every nut and bolt that has ever been touched on this thing.
The first owner was my MiL and she gave me three folders worth of paper documenting every thing from the day she took the key from the dealer.
Also, I just had the emissions tested 6 months ago. I’ve driven it about 500 miles since then. I only sold it because I was handed a crazy deal on a newer car (well, a 2012) and I can’t drive two
My phone rings today. The woman tells me she registered it Monday but she took it to a mechanic and he said the catalytic converter was ruined and was throwing codes. OK. Well, I immediately suspect that mechanic, as the P0420 code she mentioned (2008 Subaru Outback 2.5l) is almost always the O2 sensor and rarely the catalytic converter failing.
It’s absolutely possible the cat failed but honestly that is not the thing you jump to first. You change the O2 sensor and clear the code and see if it comes back. In fact, you should change the front and rear sensors because that will eliminate both from the problem, as that code covers both sensors and the cat.
ANYWAY…
She tells me the story. I replied:
‘Okay?’
‘Well, what can you do to help me this is very expensive.’
‘You bought a used car as is. I can’t help you if you think I’m financially responsible for this.’
The sweet voice disappears.
She got INSTAmad.
‘Well, I think you should do something this feels like a scam! This is gonna cost me so much money’
‘Lady I think the mechanic is lying to you. You should definitely take it somewhere else.’
Now she starts actually yelling into the phone.
‘YOU SOLD ME A PIECE OF TRASH THAT WAS BROKEN. YOU NEVER SAID THE CATALYTIC CONVERTER’
Oh God no. So I yell ‘Ma’am’ repeatedly until she stops talking.
‘LET ME STOP YOU THERE. You bought a used car as is. Do not call me about this car again.’
And I hung up and blocked the number.
Now I know there is an exhaust leak just after the muffler, and I told her that. The emissions test place said that has no bearing on the results as the cat was processing the exhaust before it hit the leak.
And the leak is literally two inches from the exhaust tip at the back end. Again, I disclosed the leak AND the vibrating heat shield that needs tightening every year or two. I told her everything, right down to the fact that I lost a 10mm bolt for the belt shroud and zip-tied it down.
I tried to be 100% transparent and she bought it anyway.
I feel bad because I think a shop is trying to scam her for a cat and rear O2 sensor when it’s probably just the O2. But now I’m blocking her and not telling her that because she went from 0 to 987 mph yelling at me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It is commonly known that if you buy a used car from a private person you buy it as is with no guarantees. You pay less than you would if you bought it from a dealer especially if you bought it with one of the warranties that dealers will sometimes do for used cars.
And what kind of idiot buys a used car without having it checked out by a trusted mechanic? That is a standard procedure and most private sellers of used cars accept that it will be done.
And I can’t imagine that any 15-year-old car is not going to have some issues that develop.
That is the nature of older cars – things break. I am not offering any opinion as to whether there really is an issue with the Catalytic Converter but that is irrelevant because the expectation is that anything can go wrong on a used car of that age.” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s being ridiculous for expecting you to honor what… her warranty claim? Yeesh. You were completely transparentaboutn the car’s condition prior to the sale.
(I’m just happy to actually hear a Subie EJ25 story that doesn’t include the phrase ‘head gaskets’!
LOL)
You are 100% right about checking the O2 sensor(s) first. In fact, if you have a decent diagnostic tablet, you can plug that in and pull the live data on the upstream & downstream sensors while the car’s running. It’s no surprise the shop she took it to went right to replacing the CC since those are much more profitable than an easy O2 sensor fix.
Not to mention, if you replace your cat(s), you’re GOING TO HAVE TO REPLACE YOUR O2 SENSORS ANYWAY! Argh.” motorwolfe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She bought a 3rd hand car, if she was expecting factory fresh quality well she got a shock didn’t she.
You do not buy a 2nd 3rd 4th or even many-hands car regardless of the odometer reading and expect no problems. You disclosed known issues and were as transparent as you could be. She was just annoyed it threw a code after she bought it.
It’s understandable. I’ve been there but it’s not an issue of yours.
You were even going to tell her what to do to save herself some $$ she decided to get aggressive and it cost her.
Plain and simple it’s a consequence of her actions.” Round_Raccoon95
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