People Want To Know If Their Excuses Are Valid In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
25. AITJ For Being Angry At My Family For Being Inconsiderate With My Schedule?
“My parent’s 50th anniversary is this year. We’ve been planning a trip with them and all the siblings for a couple of years now. The original discussions were to leave in early 2023. After a year of me asking everyone to help start planning, they finally just started planning and my sister only wanted dates for this year which my wife and I can’t do. We offered to be very flexible for 2023, but this year isn’t feasible.
So we argued and my parents just said ‘don’t worry about it. We’ll call it off since we don’t want any fighting.’
Behind my back, my sister booked the trip anyways for this year and invited my siblings and parents, and said nothing to us. My mom accidentally let it slip today.
So now, my sis will celebrate their 50th with my folks and I’m chopped liver. I’m the only one that thinks what she did was wrong.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a big family event and I personally would rather do nothing than exclude any of my closest family members. It is doubly jerkish of your sister and family to keep it from you.
Honestly sounds like she cares more about having a holiday than celebrating as a family.” AnonymousButTruthful
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents agreed to hide it from you? And everyone is going except just you? And they all agreed to hide it as well? AND you’d been planning this for years? Yeesh.
Jerks as far as the eye can see from this vantage point…” Missa_Beet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ seems like your whole family is a jerk!! I would go low contact with all of them!! All your planning and then they go and book it when you cannot go and keep it quiet!! Are you even a part of their family?? So sorry this happened to you.” Majestic-Leopard-563
24. AITJ For Not Wanting To Sell My House?
“I bought my uncle’s property (7 acres Aus measurement) a few years ago and renovated the house. It was originally designed for residents with disabilities (eg- needing wheelchair access, rails around the bathtub, open shower, large hallways, etc). I kept these aspects because at the time I needed them for myself.
After getting better I no longer lived in the house (minus free housekeeping by myself because I do not want the place to get trashed again like my uncle had it and it was a lot of work/money to fix it).
For the past 3 years, I’ve had a family of 5 renting out the place, (uses a walker) grandpa, mum, dad, disabled son, and daughter. Recently I’ve been chatty with them and they’ve talked about how grateful they are for the house because they couldn’t build their own in the area (stressed and hands full with family) and how they couldn’t find a house in the town that could cater for their daughter’s needs.
Recently the mum talked with me and offered to buy the property because she got a house loan and she saw renting as not so cost-friendly. I was bewildered because during our conversations I’m pretty sure I showed no interest in selling the property and I had also mentioned that it was harder to maintain than what they thought (aka lawn mowing/borrowing the neighbor’s cattle = money/time).
I told her I would think about it and when I came back the next week she asked for my decision because the bank + real estate agent she was getting a loan from wanted y’know, all the fancy paperwork for the house she was supposedly buying. This time I told her no.
I think her next attempt was to make me feel guilty because she started to say the whole process was hard and stressful to go through and she really wanted the place.
I continued to say no and the dad (her husband) stepped in with ammunition from one of our conversations ‘is this about the succulent garden you’ve got going on in the corner?’ His wife seemed to pick up on what he meant and added ‘don’t you think it’s time to let it go? Especially if it’s the only thing keeping you here.’
I left and got a phone call from the mum and she asked ‘don’t you feel bad for us?’ I hung up.
I do feel bad that they went through the effort of getting a loan but I don’t see that as a reason to give up the place.
At this stage, I’m wondering if I’m the jerk for having such a small reason to be keeping the place and for blocking them out whenever they mention buying it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, don’t sell to them, I’d bet the loan they have is nowhere near what you would ask, even discounting the current price hike.
Talk to a lawyer, and make sure you have everything in line to evict if need be. They might take it upon themselves to remove your garden (the thing they think is stopping you from selling) or start bad-mouthing you everywhere to try and force you to sell. I imagine with the price hike the property would be 1mil+ maybe mention in passing how the property is worth over a million now.
Unsure if that’s a great idea but maybe she’ll realize that she’s way under a realistic offer. Personally, I really would consider not renewing their lease because they sound really entitled and I would bet they’re going to cause you trouble.” Barelyaberry
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Check with a real estate lawyer who can advise you about rental laws in your area. Go to your local State Housing Agency if you can’t find a lawyer; they will be able to point you where to go and look up the information yourself.
Once you are armed and better informed, then you can do the legal equivalent of ‘Look, I said NO. I. AM. NOT. SELLING. MY. PROPERTY. TO. YOU! Bring it up one more time and I will NOT be renewing your lease! I WILL be starting eviction proceedings as well!’
Most states have provisions that the owner of a rental home can evict or not renew the lease if the homeowner decides they want to move back into the property.
There has to be reasonable notice of 30+ days. Check into your state laws. For example, Nevada is a no-cause eviction state. This means, that a landlord/property owner doesn’t need a specific reason. They just go file the eviction paperwork and have the tenants served. The tenants then have to comply or go to court to fight it, at their own expense. Rarely is it here that a tenant wins the right to stay in the property; I mean, there have to be really hard circumstances for a judge to rule in favor of the tenant.
The view here is that it’s the property owner’s property and while I do agree that the no-cause eviction can be taken advantage of, I think it is good protection for the owners against squatters. This is what that family is trying to do; next, look to have them start having ‘trouble paying the rent’.
Check your local and state laws regarding renter’s rights and landlord/property owner rights.
I think my wife has Nevada’s memorized, which has saved our bacon more than once. It also helped her uncle get out of hot water with someone who just came to visit and then wound up trying to squat at his house while he (uncle) was in Vegas with his kids. He was at his wit’s end when she found out and she was like ‘Oh, no, my dude! The law says…’ and proceeded to let him know what he needed to do to get the guy out.
Check into it and good luck.” Wise-Excuse1015
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s great if they want to buy a house. And they absolutely can ask you. Not sure why you were confused about the initial ask, because they have no idea if you had ever considered selling it. They wanted to let you know they wanted to buy it. Perfectly normal once they had a pre-approved loan. However, once you said no, too bad. They can either look for another place to buy or stay renting and let you know that if you ever want to sell, they want to buy. They absolutely do not get to try and guilt you into selling.” Corduroycat1
23. AITJ For Wanting My Friend To Give Me Space?
“I know this won’t be as juicy as most but holy do I need to get this off my chest. I, (15) female, got into a relationship with my partner, (16) male, around 3 months ago. My best friend, let’s call her Emily, is super involved in this romantic relationship I have with him. She always wants us to kiss or hug or have me put my arms around him and will force me to do this.
Emily always invites me after school to her house when there are band rehearsals and I go and I always joke about being close with her (i.e like kissing the homies goodnight), and she’s one of the people who helped me catch my footing at the school I just moved to just over a year ago now.
During Parent-Teacher night, band members are responsible for setting up and taking down.
During this takedown, Emily was helping me put the chairs away and she made sure it was just her and me, she brought me close and gave me two kisses on the cheek that I was very much not comfortable with but I didn’t say anything because I thought I must’ve not been very clear with my jokes.
Later down in the week when we’re all sitting with each other at lunch, Emily decides to start putting her hand on my thigh and my partner sat on the other side of me.
Not even my partner is allowed to put his hand on my thigh. It took me till a week later when she tried to kiss my cheek again that I very firmly asked her to stop and to not make me feel so uncomfortable and how it also made my partner uncomfortable for her to do it. She got confused and mad and said, ‘Why can’t I do that? I thought you said I could do that to kiss you goodnight? Aren’t we friends? You know what, fine, if you’re gonna act so sensitive we may as well stop hanging out altogether.’
And now she won’t even talk to me.
She avoids me like the plague and our mutual friends as well because I didn’t want to speak up about her being overly comfortable with me or trying to move the relationship I’m in faster than what the two of us were comfortable with. So, am I the jerk for not sharing what I felt?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Anyone who tells you you’re being ‘too sensitive’ is trying to manipulate you.
Anyone who says ‘well in that case, let’s just forget it/not be friends anymore, etc’ is trying to manipulate you.
Anyone who has issues respecting your boundaries or thinks they should just be able to touch you whenever they like without your consent is bad news.
Just because you let someone do something one day (like a kiss, or of course anything more that), doesn’t give them permission to do it from now on.
It is totally OK to say yes today, and no tomorrow. It isn’t confusing, or manipulative to decide you’re not comfortable with something that you’ve previously been OK with.
Don’t apologize to this person, and in fact, it sounds like you’re potentially better off without her.” mynamecouldbesam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she sounds really really creepy. You asked her to not touch you, that is just basic respect.
Drop the friendship, it’ll be hard but you just have to explain to her that if she doesn’t respect your and your partner’s boundaries then she doesn’t deserve to be your friend. If anyone else asks then tell them that she was breaking your boundaries and making you uncomfortable.” ImInaGenderCrisis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No means no. She made you uncomfortable, you respectfully told her this, and she acted badly towards you. She might be going through some of her own problems, but she’s been inappropriate and a bad friend and you probably shouldn’t be hanging out anymore unless she changes her act and apologizes to you. I’m sorry this happened.” Ok_Kangaroo_3097
22. AITJ For Not Obeying My Mom's Nonsense Orders?
“I (19 M) find myself in an odd situation here. My mother is very upset over the fact I would not do a ‘repeat after me’ thing with some moral lesson about honesty. She wanted me to repeat ‘A man is only as good as his word’ because she got a text from my teacher (a text meant for me, not her) that I was behind in a class.
The reason I refused is because 1: I was working on school plenty, 2: I found this demeaning and childish, and 3: I find repeating things in such a demeaning way extremely uncomfortable. The reason for this is due to my autism, it’s the same kind of uncomfortable that direct eye contact causes. I simply told her that I understand what she is saying and I agree that lying is bad however that was not good enough for her, she wanted me to repeat it, and I refused and she got upset.
She has done things like this for a long time. Expecting eye contact, causing loud noises on purpose (I am very sensitive to noise), this exact kind of thing, and just overall not respecting what makes me uncomfortable when it comes to that kind of uncomfortable feeling. It sounds small, I know, I just find it so uncomfortable. I have told her all this before in passing.
So, I went and sat down with her and started it off with (not word for word, I can’t remember exactly what it was) ‘You always tell me to stand up for myself with your mother and my dad before she passed away, so I am going to do that now here and I hope you understand why. I feel as though you do not respect my boundaries.
Going forward in the future, I hope that you do not do (insert things mentioned above) more as they make me very uncomfortable. I understand lying is bad, and I agree with you, however, I dislike the way you went about it and trying to force me to say something that made me uncomfortable and feel like a child as you have always made me feel childish and it is very demeaning.’
In response, she told me (not word for word) ‘Alright, I’ll just stop talking then cause obviously my words mean nothing to anyone and you just want to use me for money and you are just a disrespectful brat.’ From there I just gave up and went to my room as she always responds like this in this kind of situation.
Always. She never relents. (The money thing is in reference to how we were getting food during this whole conversation, cause she forgot to thaw the meat for dinner so we had to improvise)
I feel as though I am right in wanting her to respect my small boundaries, as weird as they may be, however her reaction and my anxiety say that maybe I’m wrong. Is it just my autism? Am I being unreasonable? I’m not very good at communication, so that could very well be the case.
Am I the jerk? Am I petty for not doing it and making a big deal out of it? I just want to know if I made a mistake and should say sorry. And I fully admit I do not want to say sorry because it would hurt what little pride I do have, however, I don’t know if I should or not. If I should, I will.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all.
Your mum is trying to humiliate you for some messed-up reason of her own. Is she controlling and bossy? It felt like a power-play to me, which is unacceptable, obviously. She obviously has no respect and little care for you in the way she tries to trigger you. Stay true to yourself and move away from her as soon as you can.” bethanymonday72
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your mom is awful.
You need to save up (preferably in a bank account she is unaware of and has no access to) until you can move out. Holy cow, I could never imagine treating my kids that way. Especially intentionally causing sensory overload like with your hearing. 2 of my kids are autistic and have extremely sensitive hearing and it’s painful for them if it gets noisy. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.” thetoiletslayer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mom was flexing her ‘controlling muscle’ and probably also unloading some other emotional baggage that has nothing to do with you onto a seemingly small and inconsequential altercation. She’s upset at something else and taking it out on you. If she’s anything like my mom, she probably got defensive when you wanted to sit down and talk about why you were refusing to do what she wanted you to.” Missa_Beet
21. AITJ For Thinking My Friend Is Lying About Having A Mental Illness Like Mine?
“My friend (17F) let’s call her R, and I (18F) have been close friends for years with much of our bonding being over our mental illnesses, like being able to confide in each other. I’ve had mental trouble almost my whole life, but still struggling w/ OCD and trichotillomania (a disorder in which you have irresistible urges to pull out your hair). R was adopted at 4, with that being a trigger for many mental illnesses.
Throughout the years much of my treatment was successful. Though, she hasn’t yet found the same clarity yet.
A few years ago R and I were at her house when we were 14. I had just gotten my OCD diagnosis and I shared it with her. She was happy I had finally discovered what had been happening but I had noticed throughout the night that she had started to display the symptoms of OCD I had told her about tho she had never behaved that way before.
I wouldn’t have thought much of it, but at the end of the night, she told me she might have OCD as well and I had triggered a lot of it. I just blamed myself and didn’t think anything of it.
About 2 years ago I started pulling my hair out as a result of my OCD. I told a few people because I was embarrassed. R didn’t know what was going on because I didn’t like to discuss my issues with her anymore.
I went on medication to help with my hair pulling and finally let R know about it about a year after my diagnosis. By then, more people knew about it. I had asked her if she ever had the impulse to pull her hair out. She had told me that she hadn’t but she questioned me about my symptoms and made sure she knew the details of my disorder.
I found this odd because most of the time we would only discuss her but I didn’t question it because I just assumed she was curious, as I would be.
Soon after she called me while pulling out her hair and telling me she couldn’t stop and said I had given her the idea and I had to help her stop. I told her I couldn’t help her and she would have to talk to a therapist.
She called me back 2 hours later to let me know that she had been put on the same medication as me and hung up.
I had forgotten about this until I was hanging out with some friends and R had called me and asked to come over, though she is not close to my friends. When she got to my friend’s house she reminded me that she was struggling with trich.
I tried to remind her that I had been suffering from trich for years which can be triggering to talk about when she replied to me that she forgot and that I triggered her trich in the first place. I tried to remove myself from the conversation but she got mad so I yelled at her and told her that she was copying all my mental illness just to be competitive and she didn’t actually care about me.
My friends heard this and I left. That night, my friend told me R had a complete shutdown and I was a jerk for invalidating her mental illness.
AITJ for thinking she was copying me and invalidating her?”
Another User Comments:
“This is kind of hard to decide on with it being a complicated subject, but I’m going with NTJ. You should talk to your friends and explain why you yelled at her, they might understand if they knew more about your past friendship with R.
Maybe she does have the same illnesses as you, there’s no way to know for sure unless she talked to a professional. But in my opinion, it sounds more like she’s copying your mental health problems so that she can get attention – I think a disorder like that is called Munchausen’s Syndrome. Of course, there’s no way to know that she has that for sure without seeking help, and I’m definitely not a professional so take my thoughts with a grain of salt.” insomniatic-goblin
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
It sure does sound like your friend is copying your symptoms. The question is why – is she trying to be competitive, doing it for attention, or is she doing it because she’s dealing with mental health issues of her own?
If she was wearing similar clothes or eating the same foods, I’d say you’re totally right to call her out on it. When it comes to mental health issues and different behaviors, I feel like it’s different.
Bringing it up is one thing, calling her out on it in front of friends is pushing it a little bit. Some things you should really try to address privately first.” Graflex01867
Another User Comments:
“Your ‘friend’ was definitely being weird. Claiming you had to help her because you’d ‘given her the idea’? Mental illness isn’t contagious! She’s attention-seeking – isn’t being mentally ill the latest cool and edgy thing with some young people? Not that she hasn’t any problems, but it certainly seems she’s inventing new ones for herself.
You were invalidating the issues she was claiming ‘came from you’, but that doesn’t mean you invalidated every problem she has. But it would have been much better if you’d kept your cool, or kept her at more of a distance. Giving creepy people the benefit of the doubt rarely ends well. NTJ.” bethanymonday72
20. AITJ For Letting My Friends Go Home By Themselves?
“I went with my SO to a festival this weekend from Friday night to Sunday morning, about 300km/3hrs drive from my house. We knew that two friends were going, so we offered to take them in my car and I would drive them there and back to arrange it, and share the gas costs.
They drove to my place and we left together. The festival went well, but they really overdid it on the illegal substances and they totally wasted the two days and got into a bad state.
They slept at a campsite and we slept in a rental about 5kms from the festival site (they didn’t want to be in a rental as they prefer the camping atmosphere). There was a shuttle bus to the campsite and back every 15 minutes
We told them all weekend that they had to be there at 10 am on Sunday, because our rental accommodation stopped at 10 am and I had to drive for 3 hours having slept for 3 hours, and there were going to be police roadblocks all around the city from 11 am.
So it was imperative that they came on Sunday morning to leave at 10 am. We told them many times on Saturday night: be careful tomorrow at 10 am at home, put an alarm on your phone! And obviously, on Sunday morning, at 10 am: nobody.
We called them non-stop for more than half an hour, no news. (And the phone was ringing so they had battery power).
After about forty minutes, knowing that I was already very tired and that they had to leave the campsite + take the shuttle, so about 45 minutes of waiting, we decided to leave.
On the road one of them called us ‘ah darn we were sleeping, it’s not my fault if I didn’t wake up I couldn’t hear my phone I was sleeping, I had no control over it’.
He didn’t apologize, it was all down to bad luck. I told them that we were not happy at all and that we had an agreement, that they screwed up, and that we had to leave without them. I asked him if he could take the train home and he hung up. We arrived home at 2 PM, their train arrived in the afternoon and I went to drop their car off at the train station so that they could go home.
At the end of the day I know they’ve done things and it’s not the first time they’ve been irresponsible, and every time we go to a party I don’t drink so I can be the one who drives and they’re wasted beyond belief, but I still feel a bit guilty.
So, am I the jerk for letting friends go home by themselves after they ditch me on a meeting?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if you left them to get home at night or if they couldn’t afford alternative transport that would be different.
They were irresponsible and it bit them in the bum, very selfish of them to expect you to wait for them so long after the agreed time especially when there was nothing to excuse it… and to not even apologize urgh, they sound terribly entitled.” Usual-Worry8412
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
If you know they’ve been irresponsible and unreliable in the past, why did you offer to drive them there, knowing that there was a possibility that you would end up abandoning them? It would have been far better for everyone if they drove themselves there.” Windermyr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You told them what time they had to be back at your rental, they knew it’d be an early start and they still went balls to the wall anyway!
They’re fully-grown adults who know the consequences of their actions!
Don’t feel guilty, you waited for them for 45 minutes after you were supposed to leave, and you took their car to the station… You didn’t abandon them with no way of getting home…” TayLou33
19. AITJ For Agreeing With My Partner's Doctor?
“At a routine checkup last week, we learned that my partner is 70 pounds overweight. Her doctor, just doing his job, told her about the health risks that faced her. I can’t be inside her head, but, just from looking at her, she didn’t seem phased, and to make matters worse, she lied to him about what she eats. I live with her, we’ve been together for 6 years, and I know good well that her breakfast is not fruits or oatmeal, nor is her lunch a turkey sandwich & apples.
I don’t think he bought it though.
At any rate, we get in the car and she was livid that he told her the health risks. In her mind, he body-shamed her. I told her that neither one of us should be surprised by this and I said that the doctor wouldn’t be doing his job if he told her she was in fine shape and everything was top tier.
She told me I was body shaming her & that I should be on her side. I said I think it’d be a good idea to heed his advice, and start living a healthy lifestyle together, and that it’d be great. She said she was not going to do anything she doesn’t want to do.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re definitely not the jerk for wanting the best for your partner.
If a doctor is worried about her that is in no way fat-shaming her. She is obviously just upset bc she knows she got herself where she’s at and has a hard head about it. But if she won’t budge, let her do her and deal with her big girl choices. no pun intended. It was a great idea you offered you guys both be healthy though bc you want it for yourself too.
NTJ.” AccomplishedEnergy49
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but weight is a very touchy subject and women’s health issues are dismissed by doctors constantly, especially when the doctor deems them fat. Your partner will never want to get healthy if she feels she’s being shamed. It took me seeing myself as a beautiful person deserving of health for me to ever get the motivation to get healthy. I truly believe the doctor’s bluntness set me back because I felt disgusted when they would get onto me for my weight, they rarely offered any helpful advice, it came across as ‘we’re not even going to address your health problems until you’re not so fat’ when it was health issues making it impossible for me to lose weight.
I think she needs a more supportive dr, not one who will lie to her but one who will encourage her.” BingusTheBest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Weight and lifestyle habits can be a very touchy subject because we invest so much of our self-worth in how we look. However, the simple fact is that our bodies are not designed to carry more than a certain amount of weight, depending on our height and body type, and there are potentially serious consequences to our health if we carry more than that.
(I also need to lose some weight atm, so I am not throwing stones, just acknowledging the facts of health).
I think it’s very important when discussing these topics to separate out the issues around worthiness, beauty, and self-esteem from our actual weight because we are always worthy, beautiful, and deserve our own and others’ regard and respect, no matter our weight. It can be hard to hear from a partner because we worry it means they don’t desire us anymore.
Body shaming, as I understand it, is when we suggest someone is worth less as a person if they are overweight, which doesn’t sound like what the doctor or you were doing, but how she may have interpreted it.
It’s also easy for people to get defensive and blame when the issue is something they deep down know they should be dealing with, but don’t feel able to do so for whatever reason.
Having said that, when we eat well and move our bodies, we also generally feel a lot better over time, and if we don’t take care of our self, our bodies start to generate health problems, especially as we get older. Perhaps you can reassure her how much you love her and that she’s beautiful as she is, and focus on feeling better and having more energy, etc and that you’re thinking of your future together and wanting her to stay well long term, it might be easier for her to accept.
I think how you offered to do it together with her is awesome, and if you can keep sharing your optimism and enthusiasm and start taking action as well that will be awesome.
Also, small changes over time might suit her better e.g. starting by just focusing on having a healthy breakfast, and then when that is a habit, add a healthy lunch and eventually dinner. Switch out soda for sparkling water, etc etc, but just one change every few weeks rather than sudden restrictions, which never last. Good luck!” Light-Dragon888
18. AITJ For Not Giving My Kid A Japanese Name?
“My (26f) husband (27m) and I recently had our first daughter. My husband is Welsh and I was born to a South Korean mother and Japanese father (they divorced when I was 17). My father and his side of the family and I do not get along. After they found out I was planning on marrying my husband, they refused to acknowledge me as their family member and were extremely disrespectful towards my husband since to them, my husband was ‘a filthy foreigner’.
I never had a good relationship with them growing up due to their mentally exhausting and awful behaviors, and even then what they did to me still sticks. I won’t go into detail, but the disrespect towards my husband was what pushed me over the edge to cut contact.
Growing up, my brother and I grew to have an English name, a Korean name, and a Japanese name, since we lived in London, Seoul, and Tokyo, and they didn’t want people to have trouble with our names.
Most people refer to me by my Korean name though. Now that my husband and I have a child, we thought to also give our daughter an English and Korean name. When my father found out about her birth, he contacted me insisting to give my daughter a Japanese name to ‘honor my Japanese roots’.
Since I associate many bad memories with my father, I decided not to give my child a Japanese name, and responded with ‘We have no intention of visiting you, nor do we have any intention to have any sort of ties between your side the family and my family.
Please don’t contact me again.’ I was being honest. We have no plans to visit Japan, and even if we do her English name is easy enough to pronounce. Since that incident with my father, many of my Japanese relatives have been messaging me telling me how I was disrespectful, and that I was erasing my culture just because of what happened years ago. They claimed ‘it was all in the past, and holding a grudge now is childish and immature.'”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your father and his family are absolutely jerks and bigots. I totally understand why giving your kid a Japanese name will be traumatic to you, and rather pointless as you’re not going to raise her with the culture or visit the country much. Names are very personal and some bad juju can come with it if it comes from bad faith. You don’t owe your father and his family members anything, no need for a Japanese name unless your kid would want one when she’s older, she can pick one herself later in life.
One thing though, when your kid is old enough and if she’s ever interested in the culture, I assume you’ll still tell stories and teach her some stuff about it. While informing her why you chose to not practice the culture is important, I hope she’ll know that not all Japanese people are like your father’s family and that there are still beautiful aspects of the culture, no thanks to your dad and family.
NTJ.” Curious-Constant-52
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You have a mixed child who is only 1/4th Japanese anyways. It’s not like it’s the most prominent part of her genetics or ancestry or like she will be missing out on anything at all not having an extra name. If you choose to identify with YOUR Korean roots and to disassociate from your Japanese family that’s your choice. They sound horrible and judgemental anyways.
They don’t get to demand anything for your baby when they can’t even be civil with its mother.” dogchick1985
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Think about it for a second. Your ‘family’ (in the loosest sense of the word) called your husband a ‘filthy foreigner’. That’s reason alone to cut contact with them, but, your daughter is what, 1/4 Japanese? How do you think they will refer to her behind your back? Block them on social media, block their numbers and block their emails and then don’t give their opinions another moment’s thought. They really aren’t worth it and you will be protecting your daughter from even the possibility of experiencing the things that you did growing up.” history_buff_9971
17. AITJ For Not Giving The Bookshelf To My Ex?
“About 3 years ago, I moved states with my ex. We moved in together and bought new furniture for our apartment, one piece of furniture being a bookshelf. His mom was kind enough to gift this shelf to us, so neither of us paid with our own money. Well fast forward two years down the line, my partner breaks up with me and moves out. We have been broken up for nearly a year and a half, and I decided I would stay in the apartment because he wanted to move back in with his mom.
Some of the furniture stayed with me when he moved out, including the bookshelf in question.
He and I aren’t really on speaking terms, as I’ve mostly just moved on with my life. But over the weekend, I woke up to a message from him asking if he could take the bookshelf in my apartment because he is moving into his dad’s. I asked why he couldn’t just buy his own shelf, and he said this bookshelf is just ‘the vibe.’ I told him I would not be returning the bookshelf as it has been with me prior to and after the split, and he is suggesting I need to give him funds so he can buy a new shelf.
AITJ for not giving the shelf back and not giving him funds?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he wanted it when he was moving out and you refused, you would be in the wrong because it was his mother’s gift and he’s her son. But all this time later and he suddenly wants it back? Nah. He had his chance when he was moving out, he decided the bookshelf could stay with you and lost rights to it.
It’s yours now. You don’t owe him anything.” Ok_Kangaroo_3097
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, it’s been a considerate amount of time and I’m assuming that he has not paid you a cent towards storage of it for this time – I live in a share house and our rule is if it’s in the house for longer than 3 months after someone leaves than it belongs to the house and can be sold/disposed of.
We are still friends with most ex-housemates so we allow time for collection.” foxyshamwow_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, after a certain amount of time, it becomes abandoned property and since he didn’t move it with him, he didn’t want it.
I’d keep it just because it’s legally yours.” eldarwen9999
16. AITJ For Leaving The Group Chat When I Wasn't Invited To A Hangout?
“My (17F) friend (17F) and I are part of a friend group of about 10 girls. We regularly hang out together and are pretty close. A couple of days ago a third friend of ours had suggested that we go out for dinner together as a group. Pretty much everyone in the group ignored her, except me who’d told her that I do have exams coming up but I’ll try to see if I can make it.
Fast forward 3 days, I’m scrolling through social media and find out that all 7 other girls, except me, my friend, and our third friend had gone out together. Now, this wouldn’t usually upset me, but I’d gotten especially annoyed since we’d been talking about going out together as a group, but were then completely ignored and excluded as all the other girls had gone out on their own.
This also isn’t the first time that something like this has happened.
So anyway, my friend and I decide to leave the group chat since we felt that our presence was no longer necessary. We were added back by the others, who then proceeded to say that we were overreacting and being dramatic. They said that we were being crazy and that it really wasn’t that big of a deal.
They told us to stop creating unnecessary drama and that we shouldn’t expect an apology because it was their choice to invite whoever they wanted and that we had no right to be upset since it really isn’t that big of a deal. But doesn’t that mean that it should also be our choice to leave if we don’t feel wanted?
At first, I was quite firm in feeling like I had reason to be upset, but now I’m starting to think that maybe I overreacted.
Not sure. Are my friend and I the jerks?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Maybe they could say they didn’t invite you bc of finals, but the other two girls were unnecessary and should’ve been invited. If they were your friends they would’ve invited all the girls and rescheduled so you could be there.” Prudent-Air-2913
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Being in a group chat doesn’t mean that everyone is obligated to hang out with every single member of the group chat when hanging out with multiple people of said group chat.
Nor does it mean that all members have to include everyone in outings together. They also were very appropriate about their outing by not talking in the main group chat about it and excluding you right in front of your eyes. It’s okay for you to feel upset but it’s not okay to lash out at them and say they have to invite you.” WorriedOrchid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As these people say, it’s their choice to invite whoever they want. Likewise, it is your choice to leave the group chat. Screenshot the messages. Leave the group again. If they put you back on, report it as harassment.” Aggressive-Fudge5759
15. WIBTJ For Refusing To Train New Hires?
“I (24F) work for a major shipping company and have so for a year now. I’m a fairly competent worker and have been asked to become a part-time supervisor before I hit my 9 months. Up until last week I was the only female on my crew and, without sounding too arrogant, I was the hardest working one. My supervisor and several of my coworkers have praised me for being a dedicated worker, and I know I work hard personally, so there is no doubt that I know I am good and reliable.
Last week was when we finally had two new ladies join the group. One of them barely needed any help, having retained some information from the two weeks of classroom and some hands-on training. The other girl unfortunately was a little clueless and clumsy. At our job, we work around extremely heavy equipment so safety and proper training are a must. My supervisor asked me to teach her the ropes and had her shadow me the entire week.
I was a little annoyed because he didn’t bother to ask the other two guys, both of who have been here longer than I have, to help train her as much as he expected me to. I didn’t want to be a jerk because I hate confrontation so I obliged.
Today we have gotten a third new female on the crew and, once again, she is clueless about the job.
Both my experienced male coworkers hopped out of our work vehicle to head inside the building for our assignment and I hopped out last. My supervisor, instead of asking the two guys who were out of the van first and already heading towards our assignment, approached me as I was walking past him and asked if I could yet again have the new hire shadow me tonight.
As I said, I’m not above the hard work but I’m extremely frustrated that I am constantly being asked or looked to train the new hires. I don’t get any extra pay for training and it takes away from my concentration on my own job having to look out and constantly keep monitoring my trainees.
Would I be the jerk if I told my supervisor that I wouldn’t train any more new hires unless he kept it even and asked the other crew members to help as well?
EDIT: just to be clear, I am NOT a part-time supervisor.
I was asked to be one but I declined.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna say NTJ, but also you’re technically not training them. If they’re shadowing you, they’re just supposed to watch you to see how things are done, with MAYBE the occasional ‘So do you understand how and I why did that?’ In that same vein though, I also understand a great distaste for having people constantly watching you work.
There’s also the thing of while yes, your supervisor should be asking EVERYONE to help the newbies, I’m assuming their reasoning is that if the women stick with another woman they’ll be more comfortable with the whole thing? Idk, like I said, NTJ, your feelings are justified.” VoodooJonnyFear
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but your boss could possibly be the jerk, depending on his reasons.
As you said yourself, you’re the hardest worker on your team.
I’m trying to give your boss the benefit of the doubt and say that he sees all the effort you put in and that he wants his new hires to be just as dedicated and hard-working as you are. On the other hand, it could be because he’s buddy-buddy with the other members of your team, or because he’s an awful person.
You’re definitely not the jerk for not wanting to train all of the new hires.
As you said, it makes your job harder and you don’t get anything for it. I think you ought to ask your boss why he keeps choosing you and make your next decision based on that answer.” skyboundzuri
Another User Comments:
“So, provisionally NTJ, but you should definitely talk to your boss about it. You’ve said you’re becoming a part-time supervisor and that you’re the hardest worker.
While there may be gendered stereotyping going on, it may also be they simply want the hardest working, already in the fast track employee training new hires to be like them.
If you really want to climb the ladder and be a great employee, look at the bigger picture, and make it a dialogue with your employer to get the best results.” Ok_Two_8173
14. AITJ For Setting Up Boundaries?
“My partner (24) and I (28) are in a long-distance relationship which is very stressful by default, and we both have a hard battle with depression. Last night she got very wasted and things got very dark very quickly, I’m obviously not sharing specifics, but being long-distance there’s not a whole lot you can do. I did consider calling 911 for her, but I also know her financial situation would have made things worse (she was freaking out over finances).
I was able to help her back to her bed, and she responded by texting me mean things (I also want to say going forward, drinking and depression are a big thing. I was never angry at her). Insisting for hours she doesn’t think I love her, when I tried to convince her she didn’t need a second bottle of booze after the two wine bottles, wasn’t happy with that.
She eventually slept on her side.
Fast forward to today: I made sure to check up with her this morning. She was mostly fine but embarrassed, didn’t wanna read her texts which I get. I’ve been there more than once myself. I made it very clear to her, that I still love her, I understand she was in a very dark place, I understand, but it still hurt.
I had a doctor’s appointment today, nothing really serious but it was kind of ‘good news, bad news’ so I shut down for the day and didn’t really talk to anyone but my Dad.
So then tonight I’m feeling better and we talk and the conversation turns into kids. Not us having kids, just in general. Which the conversation keeps morphing until we get to a point where we have very different opinions.
This is where the problem starts. I have anger issues, and I have depression. I have been working on both of them for a very long time and I know when I need to cut off certain things. I know when I need to stop playing a video game, watching something, or talking with someone. I love a good debate, but it has to be a healthy debate.
After last night, I was very emotional and I didn’t think we could have a healthy debate, I thought it was going to be toxic so I tried to leave that, and change the subject.
My partner was not happy about that. I also want to say, I don’t blame her for what I’m about to say either. She was in a very abusive relationship for almost 7 years.
We both were. When I told her I wanted to change the subject, she got really mad. She felt her opinions don’t matter, and I tried to explain my side, we have different opinions on a touchy subject. I didn’t want to have a debate or an argument after last night, I’m just too emotionally drained and I knew with my anger issues I would explode.
She felt she was being silenced and wasn’t allowed an opinion.
I told her I felt like my boundaries were not being respected, and she said the same thing. I don’t feel like they’re the same in this situation. I could be wrong and I’ll fully own up to that.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think you were appropriately making your boundaries clear without being disrespectful to the other person.
It was not wrong of you to say you were not in the right mindset to engage. That is a good thing! I wish more people were honest enough with themselves to do that. You weren’t saying you wouldn’t talk about it ever, just not right now.
I also agree that there is a lot of hurt here. I just wanna hug both of y’all. I hate when I see someone’s heart in the right place, but the execution is poor (mostly talking about her reactions and drinking…
Depression is so hard, drinking just makes it even harder). I hope you both are either in therapy or would consider it, with minor tweaks communication would be much better for both of you.” SavagePancakess
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have a right to have your boundaries respected, even more after the long night and day you had. You could always tell her that although you are interested in her opinion on the matter you aren’t ready to engage at the time, so she could note her point and send it to you once you feel better.
No one should force people to engage in things they don’t want to.” PurpurinDeath
13. AITJ For Refusing To Show My Medical Exams To My Mom?
“I (28F), due to mental health issues, live with and am mostly financially dependent on my parents. I am also considerably overweight and it’s something I don’t like discussing with my mother. I claim I don’t care about my weight, but my health could be better and my weight is, I know, a factor in that. Still, I do not like discussing it with my mother because she and my dad get a bit too annoying with diets that eventually leave me frustrated and do more harm than good.
Now, for the issue at hand. My mom and I were getting medical checkups done, including blood work and all that. I refused to let her see my exams because I knew if she saw, for example, my cholesterol levels, she’d start bothering me. I did tell her, after she bugged me a bit, that some stuff was higher than average, such as cholesterol levels and sugar levels.
I refused to tell her the numbers. Mostly because neither she nor my dad (who’s basically silently enabling this behavior and sometimes doing the same) is a medical professional.
Today, I distractedly left my exams on my bed and my mom walked in and started reading them, which prompted me to have to yell at her for doing so. She insisted she wants to know, that I’m only hiding it because I don’t want to admit I have issues, etc.
I countered by saying that this is none of her business, first. To which she replied that it was because she was my mom. I told her it was private information, and that I’m setting a limit and she has to respect that limit. She seemed upset at this.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You deserve your privacy as an adult, though you really do need to help yourself.
I was in a similar situation to you – mental health, weight, lack of privacy and things didn’t turn around for me until I took control of my life, got my own place, and looked after my health. I implore you to do the same.” otterly_overwhelmed
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are an adult and you are in your right to have privacy. Yes, you live with them, but that does not make you a kid.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s private medical information. It’s illegal for her to read them if you don’t want to share them. She is not your legal guardian anymore.” emperorduffman
12. AITJ For Getting A Coworker In Trouble?
“So I (19F) work in a fast-paced environment, in a hotel kitchen. I’m a student there and have been for over half a year now, so I know my way around. The hotel has a bar that serves food and the kitchen supplies the food, but the bar staff themselves have to make sure it is still fresh, not out of date, etc.
Now during Easter, it was especially stressful so when I had some downtime and wanted to bring some extra pizza to housekeeping I was stopped in the hallway by someone with three cans of whipped cream.
He and I had some problems before but I always try and be friendly regardless. He then started asking me questions such as ‘guess what I have here’, ‘guess what’s wrong with this’ and some more I don’t remember cuz I was off guard. I then said, ‘I assume it’s out of date?’
He then started to rant about how it was out of date and that he talked about this three times already and that he was mad he had to do it all the time.
(He works in the bar/reception so it’s his task anyway.) But then he said that it would be my fault if someone got sick and how would I feel if someone died because of my carelessness.
At that point I just let him stand there and walked back to the kitchen so I wasn’t alone with him anymore. I had some time to recollect and when he came into the kitchen I confronted him, saying how I think it was nonsense that he accused me of all those things when it’s his job to make sure everything’s still good.
He said that it was a misunderstanding and that he was just joking around with me. My boss’s husband was working with me in the kitchen that day and sent him out, then told my boss and she had me tell her what happened. She said it was highly inappropriate for him to have said those things to me and that if he had a problem he had to talk to her.
She’s very protective of the students in her kitchen and she said word for word ‘I will put him in his place.’
I’ve had time to think and I feel like cooks should have a thick skin and I overreacted in this manner. So I came here for an unbiased opinion. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
No one should make anyone uncomfortable like that. In this case, especially in a work environment that is fast-paced and has consequences on people’s health.
The jokes could be done if you already have a relationship that allows that (banter amongst friends, etc), but in general no.” voyeuristic_lurker
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A person, who wasn’t in any way your boss, attacked you in a public place for something that was in no way your responsibility, in a terrible and bullying way. They were in the wrong and you can tell they knew they were doing something wrong, because when asked they outright lied about it.
They did not for one second believe they were ‘just joking around’, and you know that. That’s the excuse used by, and only by, bullies who want to avoid consequences when they’re caught.
Yes, most cooks develop a thick skin, it’s a high-pressure environment. But you shouldn’t have to, and you surely shouldn’t have to take this from someone who doesn’t even work in the kitchen.
At most places of work, anyone who is not your boss and is trying to tell you off in any way is in the wrong.
You do not answer to every idiot who happens to work for the same company.
If they’ve done this once it’s a safe bet they’ll do it again or already have. That’s bullying behavior that is bad for the company and your coworkers. You were right to report it and what happens after that is not your problem.” TynamM
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. ‘You need a thicker skin’ is just a thing people say so they don’t have to deal with bullying in the workplace. It was NOT a misunderstanding, they knew exactly what they were doing and you exposed them for it. You did nothing wrong.” Usual-Worry8412
11. AITJ For Not Telling My Mom About My Tattoos?
“My mum is very religious, but never raised me that way. She found the way of god, after divorcing my father who was terrible to her. Not to me. Sure he made mistakes towards me, but never in a truly awful way. Anyway. In Islam, it’s not allowed to get a tattoo, but after my grandma passed away, I made a huge tattoo from my arm to the chest.
For 3 years I’ve been hiding it from my mum, not because I’m ashamed but because she would be hurt.
Now my cat passed away at the age of 18 and I’m devastated. I’m in such a hole, I’m glad I got my partner who is supporting me here. But I now have another appointment for a memorial tattoo for my cat. Am I the jerk for not telling my mum? What should I do? Note: my whole family is very religious (older generations), my generation is fine with it and doesn’t mind.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your mum probably wouldn’t feel that way.
What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her, so you’ll just have to commit to keeping the tatts hidden forever!
It might be worth starting to talk to her a bit about tattoos and Islam though; perhaps see if you can find images of other tattooed Muslims that she might have respect for, pointing out that the body art doesn’t change the person or affect their religious integrity.
See if you can warm her up over time to the idea of tattoos? It’s unlikely that you will always be able to hide your tattoos for the rest of her life, unfortunately, mostly because it’s easy to forget that you have them after a while and slip-ups do occur!
My dad always used to say he would never get a tattoo because his body is a temple, and I would say temples always have art on the walls.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – tattoos in themselves are not bad or evil, and you are sort of just telling a white lie in order not to upset your family.
I feel it’s fine.” ThomzLC
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your body, your choice. As a person whose step-grandparents were put into concentration camps during WWII and them being tattooed with numbers against their will, they didn’t have a problem with my ink because I got them willingly. My mother was another story together. She was upset at first, but now she wants to get one. It is your body and your religious choice to get tattooed or not. You are an adult, correct? If so, you keep doing you.” blueeyedwolff
10. AITJ For Ghosting My Kitten's Foster Carer?
“A 2-week kitten was found on the side of the road. The Foster carer rescues a kitten and contacts my future mother-in-law (FMIL) if she knows anyone that can adopt a kitten. My fianće and I were contacted if we wanted to adopt a kitten. We agreed. I made a deal with a foster carer for him to look after the kitten till older and healthy.
I pay for vet bills and food.
I organized vet visits around the foster carer’s availability. The first vet visit was a wellness check. Had to reschedule twice. The Foster carer forgot the day and time. When the kitten reached 6 weeks, it was due for his first shots. Had a booked appointment. Was about 10mins from the vet when I received a call from my foster, he forgot again.
Rescheduled later that day. The foster carer went back to sleep and didn’t turn up at the rescheduled time. When I visited my FMIL and told her what was happening, she was annoyed. FMIL and I picked up that kitten that day and I took him home. The foster carer’s wife was saying thank you for taking the kitten because her husband was procrastinating. I rescheduled another visit and had an awkward encounter with the foster since he rocked up to a vet appointment.
Fast forward to now. Kitten is just over 10wks. The foster carer is calling the vet, claiming the kitten is his. Wanting to know about vet visits, so he can visit the cat. He’s asked for kitten play dates, which I have turned down. I have blocked his number and he has labeled me as a witch and a pet thief.
AITJ for cutting contact?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This guy obviously has problems. If he wanted to keep the kitten, which would have been a bit awful, but maybe within his rights, he needed to be open with you and refund any amount you gave him. This is beyond that. Sounds like he might have some psychological issues.” bethanymonday72
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The foster doesn’t sound fully stable honestly, and I say that legitimately, not to be demeaning. It’s nice they were rescued, but they neglected the kitten, and then went full 180 and tried taking the kitten back and showing up for vet appointments after they don’t have to anymore??
Also, personally, I think it’ll be better to bond with the cat while it’s still pretty young. It makes it that much stronger.” that_greenmind
9. WIBTJ For Blocking A Friend Who Posts Excessive "Help Me" Posts?
“My friend, like many people, is struggling financially. I didn’t struggle too badly, kept my job aside from a 6-week unpaid break everyone in the company was forced to take, and kept things tight until I recovered. Now I find myself in better straights on the other end of it.
Friend, who is more like a glorified acquaintance, henceforth known as Kenny, posted last year that they were really struggling, and asked for GoFundMe donations.
I had some extra funds, so I donated, as did a few others.
Since then, at least twice a week Kenny will post another GoFundMe link, cashapp, Venmo, or PayPal post asking for help financially with other things. Just in the last two months, Kenny has made a post requesting funds for him and his roommates for:
- a bus pass
- the gas bill
- some door dash
- groceries at least 3 times
- life in general because one roommate ran off with all the donations
- their rent and late fees because they haven’t paid
- dinner and a movie
- their combined prescriptions
- the monthly car payment so the car doesn’t get repoed
- continuing their cellphone coverage
- dog food/stuff for their 2 dogs
- the electricity to be turned back on
- cash to handle miscellaneous stuff at least 4 times.
Now, since one roommate ran off with all the initially raised funds, it’s just Kenny and another roommate (and the dogs), and they are both on ‘mental health work leave’ (not sure what that means exactly, but I assume they are collecting disability for mental health problems that prevent them from working).
From what I understand/gather, neither of them is collecting income from a job.
Now to the WIBTJ part.
Kenny’s posts are dominating my feed. And while I sympathize with Kenny, the posts are becoming repetitive and annoying. Typically, I’d just unfollow or unfriend them in this situation as we aren’t actual friends, we just know each other and have friends in common, but here’s my hiccup.
Every couple of weeks, Kenny makes a ‘thank all of you for donating, but I’m still struggling’ post and tags me and every other person who donated in the post.
For some reason, I’m always #2 on the list (maybe my donation was one of the higher amounts?) and I feel like if he went to tag me and my name didn’t pop up, he’d know immediately we weren’t still connected.
WIBTJ if I unfriended Kenny because of his constant ‘I need money’ posts?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your social media feed, unfriend who you want. I get that the recent events were (are) rough on everybody, but that’s extreme.
It sounds like his life is in shambles and he wants to make it everyone else’s problem. Don’t make it yours.” skyboundzuri
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ
Depending on the socials you’re using, it might be enough to unfriend and change your privacy settings to not allow tagging by non-friends.
That doesn’t change the fact that his behavior is incessant and you don’t have to take it.” This_Grab_452
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve done your good deed and now it is time to move on from the constant requests for more money (and how rude to be asking for non-essentials such as door dash and movies?! That is really wrong). Unfriend and do not give it another thought.” i-have-two-dogs
8. AITJ For Meeting Up With My Sister's Friend?
“My sister (23F) has a best friend (23F, whom I shall refer to as Via) that I (24M) considered quite interesting. My sister also has a habit of talking to Via about me and telling me about Via to the point where I feel like I know quite a bit about her.
I’ve actually met Via a few times whilst crashing into their video calls and we got along so well, we called each other bro and sis in front of my real sis as a running gag!
But when the topic of possibly meeting each other in real life arises, she becomes visibly weirded out and tells me that she doesn’t like the idea that I would ever meet her, and she tells her not to meet me either.
‘That’s a little unfair,’ I thought but respected her feelings. Along the way, we followed each other on social media but that was the extent of that.
So comes this one week in which my sis was going through something and turned off all her socials, not wanting to talk to anyone. All of a sudden, Via messages me with the only channel she had. She starts telling me things that were very VERY personal and emotional yet vague.
From my sister, I knew Via might have a mental condition so I offered her to go to a clinic to get a referral so that we can get it checked out. I personally might have adult ADD/ADHD so I would do it with her. She agreed and things were settled.
But when I told my sis she was furious. ‘Why did you have to do it with her’ ‘it feels weird’ ‘get your own friends’ ‘You didn’t even know about her if it wasn’t for me’.
Eventually, she had one caveat, not to talk to Via about her.
I went out with Via yesterday and everything went smoothly. My sister on the other hand has not talked to me since, she felt as if we did this behind her back.
Am I the jerk? Like I knew the boundaries that were set and so did Via, but it almost feels as if my sis is being overly possessive.
Technically we did do it behind her back and I do feel bad about that but is it something that she can have a say on?
What’s interesting is that she feels the same way about if I were to potentially meet her partner even though she said her partner might vibe with me very well.
I am confused.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
There are some things you can’t control. I get finding it a bit annoying that your sibling is going out with your close friend, but that’s life.
The people around you have relationships that change and fluctuate and it can affect your relationship with them too. You can’t really control how the circle of people around you relate to one another.” Extension_Ad_972
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – these situations happen. I not only went out with my brother’s best friend when I was 22, but I also married him and we have 2 kids and are celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary this year.
Did my brother love the idea when we told him we wanted to start going out? No, but he was fine with it. There was a little bit of an adjustment in their friendship, but my brother didn’t want to be the reason his sister and best friend were unhappy. I will say that a break up early in the relationship would have probably caused some issues so be careful about that.” Lil_Elf81
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she is just threatened by being cut out of relationships on 2 sides. Makes sure to reassure and include her as much as you can. It would be different if these were romantic relationships or if one or both of you stopped hanging out with your sis because of it.” Educational_Fan3346
7. WIBTJ For Making My Grandfather Angry?
“My grandfather on my father’s side is very, very conservative and is very preachy about it. My dad’s side of the family is coming over to visit, my grandfather will not be staying with us because he and my mom do not see eye to eye, which is a whole other story. This is the second summer in a row and last summer was good, except for the part where he jokingly introduced his brother as ‘gender confused’.
Upon hearing this, my mom had a little chat with him and there were points during that time when I was told to not go into certain rooms because of my grandfather. The last bit of context that you will need is that I am a 16-year-old female-to-male gay dude (and also a bit of an atheist myself but haven’t told family as they are all fairly religious).
I also have been collecting pride pins and flags between the time that they visited.
They have not even come over (they live in a different state) and I am already anxious about seeing my grandfather because of what happened last year. I would consider myself fairly confident in my gender and would like to be able to keep up my flags and continue to wear my pins around my extended family, but that would severely anger my grandfather (note: I have already promised to not poke the bear unless he pokes first and unless my mom is around because we both know that my father isn’t willing to do anything) and I am planning on legally changing my name this summer.
I am not so worried about my relationship with my grandfather as I have accepted that it will never be a close one, but I am more worried about my dad’s relationship with him. I have talked with my mom about it and she said that my dad will choose me over his father but talking with my grandfather (mom’s side, fairly close with him), he said something along the lines of that they are my dad’s parents and their relationship could be severely impacted by this.
So now I am not sure what to do.”
Another User Comments:
“Generally trying to purposely upset someone is being a jerk but in certain cases, being a jerk may be warranted.
Ultimately at the end of the day, your Grandfather will be the one to choose to ruin his relationship with his son/your father if he tries to make him choose between the two of you. Your wearing pins and celebrating who you are won’t do that, because at the end of the day you’re not asking him to make that choice.
If your grandfather cannot come to some sort of place where he can accept you then that’s on him, not you – and it’s unfair for your parents to place any of that blame on you for being or expressing who you are. NTJ.” Kilmerval
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you should be able to be yourself in your own home, and your father’s relationship with his parents is not your responsibility (and honestly, he’s a jerk if he’s going to prioritize his parent’s bigoted views over his son’s existence).
That said: your safety is also important, so do whatever is going to make you feel best and safest. Might be an unnecessary addition, but I definitely know people who aren’t out to older family members because it puts their physical and mental well-being at risk. Weigh up your options and pick the one which is right for you.” trespassers_will_
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ.
From one gay trans guy to another: you do not owe them your silence about your lived reality. If it damages the relationship between your father and his parents, that’s entirely on them, not on you.
Your life as a gay trans man is more important than a bigot’s limited worldview of who and what you should be.
Do what makes you comfortable. Do what keeps you safe. Everything else is out of your control, and entirely not your fault.” gaydaryl
6. AITJ For Not Giving A Tip?
“Our family gathering was smaller than usual this year, so instead of a big Easter dinner, we just ordered a bunch of takeout. Just my uncle and I drove to the restaurant to pick up the food. He recently got hip surgery and isn’t even supposed to be driving. However, he’s making an effort to stay active and involved with his regular routine (even though he really shouldn’t).
Of course, he isn’t well enough to get out of the car and pay for the food.. so he hands me his card and I go in to pay. The total comes out to be $160-something. ‘Gawd DAYUM, for takeout?!’ Is all I remember saying to myself.
The clerk hands me the receipt and a pen. My mind goes a million directions. I’m usually the one getting scolded for leaving a bigger tip than I should.
But on the other hand, I only see this side of my family a handful of times a year. I’m going to be honest, I froze up and my instinct was to put nothing. The last thing I wanted was to hear either my aunt or uncle complain about the tip I’d leave. Whether being too big or too small, I just didn’t wanna hear it and thought if I put nothing, they at least couldn’t be mad about me spending more of their money…
Fast forward to dinner, my aunt asks what I left for a tip and I said ‘nothing’ kinda quiet & shamefully, and she started freaking out.
‘You didn’t leave a tip?!’ She started rambling, and I mean, with good reason. She and my uncle own a small business so they can relate. I looked over at my dad and shrugged. I just said, ‘well it wasn’t my money, I really didn’t know what to do’. My uncle heard me and felt some remorse. He said something like ‘It’s okay, I didn’t tell you to leave anything don’t worry about it’.
My aunt kept patronizing me about it though. I don’t think anyone understands I feel bad about it. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t usually leave a tip when it’s takeout. It is a higher amount than I’d usually be picking up though. You can always go back if it’s agreed a tip should have been done. Not a big deal I should think.” MidniteProph
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was takeout and you went to pick it up. You don’t leave a tip in the McDonald’s drive trough, so why would you leave anything here?” PurpurinDeath
[Me personaly, i have a system for tips. # of drinks, if they bring me drink/come check vs me going to bar/flagging the bartender, if i order food, etc....
5. AITJ For Saying Harsh Things To My Brother?
“Mom had me & my sister Jia (both of us now 25) when she was very young, in her early 20s. Dad was & still is a preschool teacher, while my mom at the time was a bit of a drifter. They mutually decided that Dad should raise us with mom visiting us on the weekends. We grew up with Dad as our primary caregiver but were also quite close to my mom, who was enthusiastic & regular with her visits.
Anyway, a few years after she & Dad split amicably, mom married a SUPER rich tycoon, Pete. She & Pete had 2 sons (Aron, and Ariel) and my mom also had custody over another son of hers – Dmitri. It probably goes without saying that Dmitri (22), Aron (21),& Ariel (18) grew up in utmost luxury, the kind Jia & I had certainly never seen. While Dad had no trouble putting 3 square meals on the table, we’d never been on a vacation outside the county or gone to fancy European cheese-making courses because ‘cheese was our passion’…
All 3 of them still live with my mom & Pete, basically because their house is big enough for them (& like 30 other people…)
Aron has always been quite ‘pampered’ by Pete. While Dmitri & Ariel are decent to hang out with, Aron kind of treats me & Jia like country bumpkins. He’ll brag about his expensive Ivy League education (Jia & I both went to community college), his ‘backpacking year abroad’ (where he stayed in expensive hotels) despite knowing that Jia & I both had to get jobs immediately after (& partly during) college, etc.
If his dad is around, he’ll always look suitably impressed by his son rather than chastising him. Mom usually looks a bit embarrassed & sometimes tells him to get in line.
A few days ago, my mom wanted to take me and my partner, Mina (24F), out for lunch at Lexing – this very fancy restaurant in town. We stopped at mom’s to pick her up, & Pete invited us in to wait.
We sat in their living room watching tv when Aron strolled by & said to Mina, ‘Is THIS what you’re planning to wear for lunch at the Lexing??’ Mina knows about Aron & kinda ignored him, but he kept needling her, even saying things like ‘they might not let you in,’ ‘It’s a place where old money goes, What will you guys do there?’ ‘you might feel out of place, I’m just being nice…’ & Mina was getting increasingly uncomfortable.
I finally snapped, & yelled at the top of my voice, ‘SHUT UP, Aron, at least we’re not a walking nightmare with no life to speak of!’ My mom was at the top of the staircase & so she just heard this part of the conversation, & looked completely horrified. Pete looked super mad. I grabbed Mina & left, & haven’t heard from my mom or Aron since.
I haven’t told Jia or Dad what I did, & I don’t think my mom has either.
Mina said I overreacted, & that the best thing to do to jerks like Aron is to ignore them. I’m also starting to sense that my reaction was kinda unwarranted. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ignoring those kinds of people only makes them continue with their superiority complex. You need to give those people some rough words, not to educate them (bc they are mostly so ignorant a little stand-off won’t do anything) but just to stay your ground and make sure that it’s not okay to treat you or your partner like that.” psycheX1
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
That was not the best way to handle the situation, although I think most people can understand your frustration. I’ve known people like your brother, and they are usually trash bags for life. You should apologize to your mom and partner. As for your brother, apologize with the caveat that you’re not sorry for what you said, but for how you said it. And since he is obviously so superior to you, you will no longer burden him with a relationship of any sort. Family or not, do you really want him in your life?” Professional-Elk-736
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he seems insufferable.
My thought is that your mother is the jerk. How do you leave your two kids to have to scrape by and selectively only take care of the other kids and then stand by as the spoiled kids act like jerks?! That makes zero sense to me.” Fit_Space_3132
4. AITJ For Taking A Lost Item That's Been Sitting Here For Months?
“I work at a desk in an apartment complex for a college. We have a lot of electronic items that get turned into the desk and they all get picked up in a reasonable amount of time. There has been this lost electronic item that has been turned into the desk and has been here for months. The end of the school year is almost here and the electronic item is still here.
I would like to take the electronic item but I feel bad. The school year ends in 3 weeks. I have taken this electronic item as if they were looking for it, it would have been picked up already.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Lost and Found isn’t Lost and It’s Mine Now.
And the way you’re describing the ‘electronic item’ makes it sound like it’s something actually valuable rather than…
I don’t know… a cheap calculator or a label maker.
You know you’re in the wrong or you wouldn’t be so shifty about how you’re wording things. Listen to your conscience and leave it there/put it back.” Detached09
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you took it without asking your manager. There is definitely going to be a Lost & Found policy and it’ll probably address staff taking things that haven’t been claimed.
Everywhere I’ve ever worked only holds on to things for 30 days before disposing of them & I’m actually surprised the Lost and Found policy isn’t posted somewhere for the residents so you guys don’t end up storing a bunch of stuff for a long period of time. Honestly, I can’t see your manager really caring though; it’s been months & does it matter if the donation center takes it or a staff member? As long as the staff isn’t abusing the policy to steal from residents, who cares.” Stefie25
No, what they said^^ about 90 days. Check with manager/boss/whoever. I got cool stuff after 90 days in school.... as long as you follow rules, its all good
But seriously. Turn on fone--maybe post some pics to you social media. Try to track owner
3. AITJ For Not Telling My Partner What Gift I Want?
“I (24F) have been with my partner (25M) for 4 years. We’ve lived together for about 1.5 years now and I definitely see him as ‘the one’. However, he is horrible at gift-giving, and the longer we go out the more of a struggle it becomes. The first bday and Christmas we spent together he seemed to put a lot of thought and effort into gifts and planning something nice for us for holidays such as Valentine’s day.
Now, I’m not materialistic in any sense, and there’s not much that I have on some imaginary list that I could ask for. But he did a great job that first year without any guidance from me, so I didn’t think it necessary. As time goes on, things in the holiday department fizzle. Two Christmases ago, right after we moved in together, he didn’t get me anything.
Meanwhile, I had a pile of wrapped gifts and a stocking for him under the tree. We had a discussion about how it’s not the lack of gifts, but the perceived lack of effort and how I felt I wasn’t being thought of in advance.
Fast forward to this year, my birthday comes, and once again, nothing. I decided it was my fault for not telling him what I would like since he’s ‘gift-challenged’ and to not bring it up.
Right before bed, he asks, ‘are you sure you didn’t want anything?’ I told him that I hadn’t wanted anything in particular, like I didn’t have a list. However, to me, that means I have nothing in mind and would be happy with whatever. To him – he said that meant I didn’t want anything at all! I told him I didn’t see it that way and would never not get him something on his birthday.
After that, he seemed really upset and felt bad, and I wonder if I’m the jerk for not coming up with something he could get me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but neither is he. He takes what you say literally. So hinting is lost on him. If you say nothing, in particular, that means nothing specific and nothing at all. You have to talk to him literally or he won’t take it as such.
See things you like, say I would love that, he’ll probably try to buy it on the spot, tell him no. Special occasion or something. You’re talking in chess, he’s living his life in checkers. Nothing wrong with that… but if your feelings get hurt because your hints didn’t line up with his actions it doesn’t mean he’s a jerk, it means you two aren’t communicating on the same level.
I’m guilty of missing those cues as well.
Literally, a situation I had – she says I like that, I say let’s get it, she says it’s a bit much, I say you don’t want anything for your bday, so this is no prob, she cries, I’m confused… I buy the thing ordeal happens grammar is lost… some people call it love language, I call it disingenuous expectations.
Whatever it’s a communication discrepancy.” Commishw1
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, not because you can’t think of any gifts, but because you told him you didn’t want a gift but you obviously do want one.
His question was clear ‘are you sure you don’t want anything’ (yes or no) and your answer was vague. Also, the discussion you had ‘it’s not the lack of gifts but lack of effort’, what is that?? I would be really confused if I was your partner too.
If you want a gift but want it to be a surprise/you don’t have anything in mind and want him to choose, tell him straight out.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. On what planet do you just stop buying gifts for your partner because they didn’t make a specific request? That is a complete cop-out. No, you’re not a jerk for not telling him what you want. If he really needs help, then he can ask one of your friends or family members, or in a pinch, he can put on his big boy pants and say: ‘Hey OP, I really want to get you something I know you’ll love, can you please give me some ideas?’ He doesn’t get to just wash his hands because you didn’t write him a wish list.
Because people seem to lose their minds over a woman caring about presents gasp, you need to explain to your partner that it’s not about the gift itself; it’s about feeling cared for. It’s totally okay if gifts aren’t important to him, but if he cares about you, he needs to make some effort on the gift front. You might want to help the situation along by finding ways to help him know what to get you, like sending him links to stuff you like or giving some heavy-handed hints when you’re at the shops together, but only if he is able to recognize the part he’s played in this.
He hasn’t failed to buy you something because you didn’t ask for it; he’s failed to buy you something because he just didn’t care enough to put in the effort. He needs to demonstrate that he gets that and is really sorry for wilfully dropping the ball.” OverlyVerboseMythic
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, but mostly you. There is nothing wrong with giving him a list of gifts you would like. He asked if there was anything you wanted. You answered no because you ASSUMED he would know what to get you. Very poor communication on your part.” columbospeugeot
Destress. Stop doing this to each other. No more gift giving.
2. AITJ For Brushing Off A Guy Who Tried To Sell Me His Bike?
“I ride my bicycle to work and I stop a few blocks away from my house, near a gas station to smoke after work. A few days ago a man saw me from the gas station and he walked over with his bike, trying to talk to me. I couldn’t hear him with my earbuds in so I took them out and asked what he said.
He asked if I had something to smoke. After that, he saw my bike behind me and said ‘I see you have a bike. I have a great deal for you on this bike,’ gesturing to his old and rusty bike.
I told him I wasn’t interested and didn’t have any money anyway. After that, I put my earbuds back in and played the music I was listening to before he came over.
I couldn’t hear him but he got very angry and started yelling at me. I ignored him and after yelling at me for a few minutes he walked back to the gas station. About 10 minutes later he came out of the gas station, walked back over to me, and kept yelling at me in the middle of the road. Cars had stopped because he was on the road so I warned him that he should be careful or a car will hit him.
He walked closer, out of the road, and kept yelling at me until I left.
Since then, sometimes I see that guy and if he sees me, he walks over to me and yells at me. I don’t take my earbuds out and ignore him, but he will stand a few feet away from me and yell at me until I leave.
So AITJ for not listening to him and politely denying him? If I did that maybe he wouldn’t have gotten so mad.
Who knows, maybe he needed some money.”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ, he just doesn’t know how to take no for answer and is acting like a child.” dustyatlas7
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – he sounds deranged, but terminating a conversation by putting your earbuds in is a calculated insult. If you really can’t see that I’d consider dropping smoking for a while.
Also, you know this guy is there, so why on earth do you keep going back? If you keep taunting him and he comes over and stomps you that’s exactly the question the cops will ask. In the UK they’d call that ‘contributory negligence’ and it would be used in court to apply some of the blame for your butt-kicking to you.” peterhala
1. AITJ For Buying Only One Of My Children A New Car?
“I have 3 daughters (21f, 18f, 3f). My husband travels between 1-3 weeks out of the month and works long hours when he’s here so I do everything by myself with the kids.
My youngest was not planned and neither of my daughters was thrilled when I told them I was pregnant. My oldest isn’t exactly a bad sister but she doesn’t spend much time with my youngest unless we do something as a family.
She’s always said she’s not a fan of kids.
My middle, on the other hand, loves spending time with her sister. She constantly offers to babysit and tells me to take a break and usually refuses to let me pay her because we’re family.
My middle daughter saved $10,000 to buy a new car since the one we bought her when she learned how to drive is ready to retire but since she’s helped us so much, my husband and I decided to buy her a car.
My oldest is still driving the same 2006 civic that we bought her when she learned how to drive. She is also saving to buy a new car and after we bought my middle daughter a car, she asked when we were going to do the same for her. I said we weren’t going to and that we bought middle a car because she’s helped us out a lot over the past 3 years without being asked and doesn’t usually let us pay her.
My oldest started yelling that this is favoritism and that my daughter isn’t her responsibility so she shouldn’t be punished for not taking care of her. I tried to say that she wasn’t being punished but we just weren’t going to buy her a car.
She has been very rude to both of her sisters since then so I wanted to know if I was the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You gave something to an individual that has been helping you care for your youngest child. Presumably, you would have been paying for childcare without her help. It just got messy because of the fact that she’s family. For your other daughter to demand a car sounds very entitled. She got a car, that she’s still driving. The fact that she turned nasty to her sisters including the youngest, who is an innocent child, speaks to her overall character.
Both of your older daughters are adults, both got a car from you, and the fact that you did something nice for a major caregiver to your baby is fine. Is the older daughter going to keep a tally of every favor, gift, and interaction to be certain she gets her ‘fair share’? You’d better set your estate in an iron-clad will or she’ll be screaming about her share when you pass.
What’s the going rate for three years of childcare? If you had a nanny and you gave a car to them would she be having the same problems? Your middle child earned the car you gave her. IMHO.” lalafia1
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Some people just do not like babies. She is ‘not necessarily a bad sister’, but she’s not kissing your butt trying to get a new car out of you.
Which is what you want from her. She isn’t being fake, is what it boils down to. She’s probably also much busier with school and work, I assume.
I know we do not always make things super equal for all of our kids, but we try to afford a semblance of equal treatment. Both girls are saving for a car, and both had one provided when they learned to drive so…
Why not give them equal amounts to add to their savings and let them choose how much they want to spend on their cars? I also notice that the older daughter has made due just fine with her car for more years, while the younger daughter is concerned with replacing hers already. SO here are some different choices and motivations here.
I think you buying a whole car for the middle daughter because she fits your ideal picture in your head is an insult to the older daughter.
It’s also a way to demonstrate that she isn’t as important to you. Which has got to hurt.
(And how on Earth has an 18 yr old saved 10K already?)” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You bought both daughters’ cars when they learned to drive. There is no favoritism between them.
Instead of talking about punishment/reward, look at this new car as a form of payment for the babysitting your middle daughter has undertaken.
She won’t accept payment so you found an alternative form of consideration with which to pay her.
Your eldest is also 21 – she should be finding her own feet in the world and not expecting her parents to pay for everything. And there is a difference between things being fair, and being equal. You don’t have to keep things strictly equal between siblings at all points.
In fact, doing that can be unfair. My parents rewarded me and my brother for our grades. If we didn’t get good grades, we didn’t get the reward. If my brother had been rewarded when he hadn’t met the criteria, THAT would have been favoritism. Giving your eldest a car would be favoritism towards her.
Your 21yo frankly needs to stop feeling entitled to her parents paying her way, and stop dismissing the work 18yo has put in.
If she doesn’t want to spend time with her youngest sister right now, that’s absolutely fine. But she doesn’t get paid for not doing it.” Accomplished-Cheek59
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not realizing this was going to cause major drama. It’s wonderful that your middle daughter enjoys spending so much time with your youngest, but that’s a great reward just to show your appreciation. Your oldest is also saving, so how much has she got so far? You didn’t bother to specify that for her, only the middle child. I’m also baffled how an 18-year-old has managed to save 10 grand! You obviously have the means to do this, so good for you but your entire post reeks of favoritism to your middle.” ceruveal_brooks
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