People Expect Us To Reach A Judgment On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Calling The Police On My Coworker?
“I (25f) just started this new job as a front desk clerk at a hotel. I work the overnight shift. I usually have a coworker (30sM) with me but he never really spoke to me. A few nights ago was my first night alone. At around 2 am, I notice a person in the parking lot (you can see the lot from the front desk.
The lighting in the lot is terrible so you don’t really see faces until they get close to the lobby door) just standing there not moving for about five to ten minutes. I thought this was strange and of course, it creeped me out.
After about 10 minutes of them standing there, they moved I guess to call the front desk because he moved his hand to his ear and the phone rang.
I picked up and on the other end, I just heard ‘5 buried. None found,’ in a low voice, and then they hung up. At this point I was terrified so I ran to the back room and called 911. I explained to the operator about what had been going on and they sent a couple of cops to the hotel.
When they arrived, one cop was talking to the person outside and the other one was at the front desk talking to me telling me that the person outside was claiming that he also worked here. I was confused but also admitted I hadn’t seen the person’s face just the silhouette. At this point, the other officer and the person from the lot come in and it turns out to be my coworker and he was upset saying he would have never pranked me if he knew I was going to call the police and try to get him arrested.
I didn’t go through with pressing charges but I did tell my manager what happened the next morning. It’s been a few days now and I guess he told other coworkers what happened and now no one is really speaking to me and giving me a bit of an attitude. I feel like I took it a bit too far by calling the police…
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First of all, it’s his night off and this is his activity of choice? Take up knitting or something, bro. Not ‘menacing women in the middle of the night then being mad about the consequences.’
What if a guest at the hotel had seen this? It doesn’t matter if you did or didn’t see his face.
You did what you SHOULD have done in this situation–especially with the phone call. That’s menacing, mean, and messed up. I’ve stayed at many many hotels alone on work travels and one time, late at night, I was on my balcony which faced a parking garage and I noticed these two guys taking photos of me.
I asked them to stop; they didn’t. So I called the front desk and the gentleman working that night took care of it — by calling the cops and also standing outside facing the garage in the meantime. I was so appreciative even though I felt bad about the cops coming (which I SHOULDN’T HAVE and NEITHER SHOULD YOU!).
My point is, as the front desk clerk, you’re responsible for guest safety but you can’t take care of your guests if your own safety is in jeopardy, and regardless of whether or not you have in-house security, you did the right thing. He’s an idiot and a jerk and so is anyone you work with who thinks you were in the wrong.
Again, as a guest, I’d hope that the people I call for help would do exactly what you did.
If there’s no harm, then there’s no foul — but better to be safe than sorry. I fear what your coworkers would have done in the situation I was in.” doloreschiller
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you did exactly what you should have done in that situation, call the police!
What did he think was going to happen there? His intention was clearly to terrify you, a young woman working a night shift on her own.
I know the US sucks for labor laws but that would have been an instant dismissal where I’m from. I can’t believe that the rest of your coworkers are giving you grief. If possible you should be reporting it higher up.
I hate these jerks that pass stuff off as ‘it was only a joke’ – no, jokes are funny, scaring someone and then getting mad when they react as a terrified person would isn’t a joke.
It’s malicious and dangerous. He wasn’t trying to be funny. He was trying to frighten you. The fact he carried it on long enough for the police to show up means it wasn’t ‘just a joke’ – he was terrorizing you!!” Neenwil
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s strange how we women are raised to be so cautious, relying on tasers, pepper spray, keys between our fingers, and calling a friend when walking alone at night so we don’t look like good bait.
But then the moment we actually fear for our lives and get someone with authority involved, we’re told we shouldn’t have taken it so seriously and, ‘Come on, sweetheart, it wasn’t a big deal. You’re just overreacting. Now, why don’t you put on a pretty smile, put on some coffee, and reorganize something?’
Your coworker(s) does not care about the very real fear you experienced, only the inconvenience of having to explain to the police why it was okay to force you to experience that fear in the first place. If management is not on your side, it might be in your best interest to look for a different job, not because you’re the one who deserves to leave, but because unfortunately, those around you clearly don’t have anything else better to do than to make your time there miserable.” BellanaBlack
21. AITJ For Upsetting My Husband Over Cupcakes?
“We had family down for Christmas but with my husband and his dad cooking, I pushed back all my baking understanding it was important to them. On New Year’s Eve, I was so excited to make cupcakes. My husband cooked an amazing feast for the day and I then made cupcakes. He called his family, they showed him a traditional dessert and he told me when he hung up ‘ugh I wish we had that.’ Then about 45 mins later he came in and said ‘ugh I just had another piece of pizza and ricotta roll when are they (indicating our kids) having cupcakes’.
I took it as he wasn’t going to have any and was hurt, I didn’t cry as that’s a trigger for him to get mad, didn’t try to converse about it because talking about how I feel is also a trigger so I thought I was handling my disappointment well. In retrospect, I realize I was wrong to assume anything about what he said without clarification.
I stayed silent, gave the kids their cupcakes, and saved one for him in the fridge. Once I realized some had butter separation in the icing I threw those out, took our son to bed at 11:17 making sure I had enough time to come back down before midnight, came down realized I forgot my phone, and asked him the time.
I thought that would be a tension breaker, at 11:58 we go to open the champagne and he says ‘where are the cupcakes?’ I say ‘don’t worry about it now wait until the new year,’ thinking it would be cute to pull it out at midnight and not having time to explain about the others/the kids having had theirs.
He keeps insisting, I keep saying wait until next year.
Midnight comes, he doesn’t kiss me and I can see how far this situation has gone so I then explain what happened and that his is in the fridge. He doesn’t believe me and says I didn’t talk for an hour on purpose during that time he didn’t say anything to me so I wasn’t ignoring him, I hurt him by ruining something so important to him (last holiday of the year), I have a serious mental disorder, I want to be miserable, I do things to purposely be miserable.
At this point, I wasn’t upset about anything and truly realize I was wrong for assuming anything about him asking when the kids were going to have cupcakes meaning he wasn’t going to eat one and that is my fault. We ended the night with him saying he was done with me, basically, our marriage was done, didn’t want to see or speak to me.
I told him I was really sorry I assumed something I shouldn’t, and even when I had been really upset I still thought he was an amazing man but was upset at the nasty things he said to me. He didn’t talk to me yesterday, and ignored a text asking what we were going to do so I stayed upstairs with the kids wondering if I’m the jerk for not immediately reading the situation and trying to be cute by pulling the cupcake out at midnight and bringing the situation on myself.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Jesus Christ, OP. Your husband is awful to you. His reaction over a cupcake is completely unhinged. I know people here tend to jump to the ‘leave him’ answer but for your own well-being and the well-being of your kids, LEAVE HIM. You don’t deserve that and keep in mind you are teaching your children how to treat and be treated in a relationship.
Is this what you want the rest of your life to look like? Is this how you would want your kids to be treated or treat someone else? Over a cupcake?
Just the fact that you can’t cry or communicate your feelings out of fear of angering him should be all you need to run from this man.
And I suspect things are much worse than you’ve said here.
Please protect yourself. Terrible behavior escalates.” MaggieMay1519
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You brought nothing on yourself and he’s overreacting by a massive level.
First huge red flag: ‘I didn’t cry as that’s a trigger for him to get mad, didn’t try to converse about it because talking about how I feel is also a trigger’.
Seriously? So, he says 2 pretty flippant things that could be construed to mean he’s not interested in the dessert you made (one of which was a groan and a literal desire for a different dessert to appear), and you stayed quiet because according to you, doing basically anything else would set him off. Can’t tell him how you feel, or show emotion, because he gets mad.
There’s that huge red flag I mentioned.
You couldn’t have clarified what he meant, because bringing it up at all sounds like it’d annoy him!? So you stay quiet and try to hide your disappointment, and he gets set off anyway. This sounds like living with my terrible mother.
And then all of the nasty things he said.
I’m sure it got worse, but even the stuff you quoted is awful. From the sound of it, you’re in an abusive relationship and he is severely gaslighting you to make you think that everything (including his anger) is your fault.
Even the way you speak of the situation shows me that someone has spent some serious time and energy brainwashing you to believe that you’re always the problem.
Y’all need therapy, and honestly, I hope you throw the whole man out if he’s actually always like this.” smokey_flutterby
20. AITJ For Wanting To Kick My Grandma Out?
“I’m (19F) attending a university in the city but didn’t end up moving out because of online classes. Right now, I still live with my parents & I share a room with my sister (16F) but she doesn’t understand the concept of personal space — like, her things are all over my side of the room and she always takes/uses my things without letting me know beforehand.
Anyways, my house has two rooms upstairs that were originally supposed to be for my sister and me once we got older, but my grandma (dad’s mom) moved in when we were young and was supposed to move out a couple of years ago. Turns out she never had any intention of moving in the first place, even though my parents have told her multiple times that we don’t have space for five people.
She doesn’t follow our basic house rules — clean up the counters after you use them, wash the dishes if you used them, don’t leave unsealed things in the fridge — & she’s dirty, leaves her things everywhere (and I mean everywhere) and she pretty much thinks that she owns the place, even though it’s not technically even her house.
She lives in the bigger room and refused to switch with my sister and me even though we have to share the smaller room together? My mom has gotten so fed up with her, she even refuses to be in the same room as her (plus, my grandma was the reason why my mom almost left for milk).
She’s also really toxic to me.
My relationship w my parents has gotten really bad over the past few years due to my mental health & stress from uni, and I always ask for my own place whether it be with roommates or myself. In my house, I not only don’t have a room to myself, but my ‘desk’ (my sister’s stuff takes up half my desk) is out in this open area upstairs, so I pretty much get no privacy at all in my house.
The amount of stress that’s accumulated on my shoulders has gotten so heavy and I don’t know how to deal with it. My mom knows my sister and I both want my grandma out but she can’t speak up about it because it’s not her mom. My dad and my grandma also don’t have a great relationship but never spoke up about wanting her gone.
As harsh as this sounds, I can see no benefit of her living here except that she wastes electricity when she makes her dinner at 3 pm and boils soup the entire day. Literally all day, she just sits on the sofa and watches things on her tablet (super loud, by the way) and calls people (also super loud).
This sucks since you can literally hear her whenever I’m on a call for school or work.
I wouldn’t feel bad at all if we end up driving her out of the house, it would benefit my family because we wouldn’t be losing anything. Having no privacy AT ALL is so horrible and not even having my own room? When I’m turning 20 soon? I’m gonna be on my knees BEGGING for an apartment for myself if she doesn’t move out soon.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You feel what you feel, and for very good reasons. It’s what you do that counts now. You need to speak to your father I think, put the situation to him and ask him to move his mother to another accommodation, or at least another room downstairs so you and your sister can have separate spaces.
OR you need to move out. At nearly 20yo that might be the best idea to give you the space and privacy, and quiet that you need. Can you do it?” AffectionateMine2220
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your grandma sounds like a slob and disrespects the house. Has anyone spoken up to her about her sloppy behavior? If I were in your shoes, I would give her two options: either take the smaller room and start cleaning up after herself or get out.
If she slips up, out she goes. All this is stressful for you so take care of yourself before anyone else.” aware_nightmare_85
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, grandma has to go. She’s massively overstayed her invitation and is negatively affecting everyone.
Does she have the means to support herself, pay rent, or for a home if she needs looking after? Does your dad have other siblings who could take her?
You need to have a family conference about this WITHOUT granny, getting all in info and most importantly making your dad see what’s going on as he’s her son. Once you have all your ducks lined up, speak to granny as a group and give her a deadline.” Technical-Dish3261
19. AITJ For Saying My Best Friend Is A Terrible Friend?
“I have two best friends from another friend group, and we’re all very close. Let’s call them Emily and Val. I’m closer to Emily, to be honest, we got to know each other first and we had the same interests. And Val came into the friend group, but not when we were even best friends yet, she wasn’t too late or anything.
She’s part of us. Now Val and Em are really close, and them being from… I would say almost similar countries. Em is from Serbia, Val is Russian and they both moved here and all. They both loved comparing languages and traditions, seeing how close Russian culture to Bulkan culture is, and they were very close, too.
Now Val came in one day, looking pretty much down. I asked her what was wrong, she told me that it was a bad idea to come out in this state, but that she’s coming out as a lesbian and scared that nobody would accept her for who she is, we all came from very conservative households, it’s really justifiable why she was worried.
I told her that if anyone wouldn’t accept her, then they aren’t real friends and aren’t people who actually love her, and I told her I love her and that she’ll always be my best friend, and that there’s nothing wrong with embracing who she is. Now later Val decides to talk to Em about it too, being her best friend, and Em lost her mind.
She threw a tantrum, talking about how Val wasn’t her friend anymore, how she sucked, and how she regrets ever having been friends with her, accusing her of taking advantage of us and that hanging out with us was like a creepy guy hanging out with us and that she should be ashamed of herself. She ended off by talking about how she never liked Val anyway, making fun of her accent and heritage (Em somehow spoke more than perfect English, I literally didn’t realize that she was an out-of-towner until she told me.
Literally perfect accent and definitely passes as a native, so you see how her making fun of the other is really problematic.)
Val stormed out sobbing, and I followed her and tried to comfort her, telling her Em was homophobic and had never been a real friend. I then went back to Em, yelled at her, and told her how she was a terrible friend and that she should stay away from both of us, and that she wasn’t our friend anymore, and she stormed crying.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You had it completely right when you pointed out to Val that someone not accepting her for who she is isn’t any friend of hers.
Now that Em has ruined Val’s coming out like she was afraid it would be, keep doing what you’re doing for her with your support and friendship. If this was a choice that is being forced on you by Em, you are making the right one by rejecting the phobic hater.” QuietGrudge
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she is a terrible friend and a generally bad person.
To flip the script on someone so radically and instantaneously just shows how much hate she has inside her. Nothing she can say can fix what she did. That wasn’t a shocking/surprise response that was a disgustingly hate-filled response. If someone I knew did that to a friend of mine, calling them a terrible friend would be the last thing that person would ever hear from me.
I wouldn’t give them an opportunity to try to explain away the hate they displayed because no explanation is good enough.” terayonjf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If Em valued her friendship with either of you she should have considered that before spouting homophobic nonsense, you made the right decision. You and Val do not need people like that in your lives.” gaellamaas
18. AITJ For Suspecting My Brother Is Trying To Trick Me?
“We both live with our mother and both have small jobs that allow us to buy stuff for ourselves, but nothing fancy. Just small part-time jobs. at the moment he owes me 57€. I’ll explain why this is important later.
My mom’s bday is approaching. The other day, my (f23) brother (m25) came to me and said he already bought a gift for her bday (he never did that before, we rarely exchange gifts).
I asked him what did he buy and he showed me this box wrapped in newspaper pages and opened it. There was a set of 8 kitchen knives, each one for different purposes. I thought it was a little useless bc our mom doesn’t cook and she certainly doesn’t need those knives. I asked him how much did he pay and he said he paid 170€, pointing at the price printed on the box and then said that he’s been saving since forever to buy those knives and that if I wanted I could participate in the gift.
My first reaction was to tell him that I could erase his debt with me and that was my part for the gift, but something was off.
When he left to go out with a friend, I checked the box of the set, and I don’t know how to explain it but it looked old. Like as if it was 2nd hand.
I started looking for the same set online and I only found someone selling it on eBay for 14usd (I couldn’t find official sellers). My brother didn’t show me a receipt or anything, the only proof I have about him spending 170€ is his word. (also, what kind of store sells you anything and then wraps it in newspapers?)
I don’t know, it feels like he bought it 2nd hand or got it for free from a friend and now he’s trying to get funds from me for it, claiming he paid a huge amount.
I talked with my dad about it and he said that confronting him about it would only result in a huge argument, so he suggested I buy a gift on my own and that’s it. When I told my brother that I’m gonna buy mom a bracelet he was mad because ‘I already bought a gift, you could participate in my gift since it’s really useful instead of buying silly stuff’, but I stood my ground.
I really feel bad about this, treating him like a con man, but the whole situation is kinda suspicious and I don’t want him to take advantage of me. As I said, he never got mom presents before, and now he suddenly has this very expensive one and expects me to give him half of the amount (just to put things in perspective to give him half of the amount, I have to work for 4 days, so that’s a lot for me).
Maybe he really spent that money and I’m just overthinking. What do you think? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“100% NTJ. He doesn’t get to decide what you’re both getting her. He’s definitely trying to trick you or he wouldn’t be mad you won’t go halfers.
Either he bought them second-hand absurdly cheap, was given them, or took them from some house clearance, etc.
The fact your mum doesn’t like to cook and doesn’t need knives is telling – why buy her something SO ‘expensive’ that she won’t use? He claims he’s been working on getting these for her for ages. Nonsense. Doesn’t even sound plausible judging by the info you’ve given. If he HAD been intending on purchasing these particular knives for a long time, he WOULD have told you – the excuse would have been used as to why he couldn’t pay you back yet.
Brother is a clear opportunist – if he earns something and supposedly afforded that set to begin with, why did he not pay you back despite his claims he’s been saving?
Side note: Any chance he has drinking, gambling, or substance addiction or something? These are the games addicts play – they try to sell people things they got cheap or free (or stole) for a minute, usually while having masses of debt they find excuses not to pay.
Take my advice – Buy your mum the bracelet and don’t give into his crap.” EdinburghLass1980
Another User Comments:
“Your dad’s advice is sound, though be prepared for your brother to try to steal from you again because in his narcissistic mind you have ‘wronged’ him and owe him. Can you get away from living with him because his theft from you and attempts to deceive you are only going to ratchet up? Your brother is 25.
Any chance he was going to improve with maturity is in the rear-view mirror. From your dad’s response, it sounds as though your brother is just a jerk, and the rest of you are left to try to avoid his wrath. You are NTJ.” AngryWriterGrr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you were unimpressed with the gift at first glance, had no input in deciding to buy it, and gave no indication he could/should be relying on you chipping in.
Doesn’t matter if he spent €1 or €1,000: he made the decision, alone, and has no right to expect anyone else to cover some or all of it. You’re absolutely not obligated to now pay into it, even if he magicked up receipts and whatnot to prove his claimed sale price. This isn’t implying he’s a liar, just that you don’t like the gift enough to want to jump in on it, which was already true before price or splitting was discussed by the sound of it.
Don’t accuse him, cause it’ll cause drama and he’ll never admit it so pointless stress for you. But just stick with what you said and get your own gift, then remind him of the amount he owes you (could graciously offer to give him another week since he just spent so much on your mother to sneak in a deadline without calling him on his racket).” GojuSuzi
17. WIBTJ If I Replace The Birthday Gift My Friends Gave Me?
“I (20M) am a college sophomore and finances are tight. 8 of my friends decided to get me a piano keyboard for my birthday since I like writing songs on the piano, I just have really bad spending anxiety because I’m not used to buying expensive things at all.
My friends surprised me with it when I got home from work and I was so ecstatic.
I couldn’t believe it! I even cried. Nobody had ever thought about me and my interests like that before.
After everyone had left and I finally decided to play on it on my own, I realized that I maybe kind of didn’t like it that much. I didn’t care that it was secondhand or that it had much fewer keys than what I was used to, I just wish that it sounded different depending on how hard I pressed the keys.
My friend’s keyboard is like that and I really enjoy playing it almost every day. All my research led me to want to buy a weighted keyboard like that one, and I was going to in a couple of days, but now they’ve beat me to it on my birthday (today).
I feel like I’m stuck with it now, and while I appreciate the gesture so incredibly much, it wasn’t the one I wanted, and I feel like I can’t do what I want anymore.
AITJ for feeling this way? Am I being selfish? WIBTJ for maybe replacing it with something I will actually use?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – I would just talk to them about it. They clearly care about you and you clearly understand the sentiment and thought put into this gift to feel bad about replacing it.
I’m sure they’d understand and would want you to have one you love. Be open and honest and based on the way you describe them I really don’t think they’d be hurt.” anamsj1218
Another User Comments:
“I’d say YWNBTJ as long as you don’t scrap the keyboard your homies got for you. If you get a nicer one, cool, maybe you can keep it in a room with a stand and stool and make it a proper playing setup.
Maybe use the smaller one on your lap when you’re watching tv or something just to mess around on. I have guitars that were $100-$200 and some that were $1500+. Each has its time and place.” Nebsonar
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. They did something really thoughtful, and you celebrated that. But there is nothing wrong with swapping it for the type that you will use. The alternative is to stop playing or otherwise let this one gather dust.” ParsimoniousSalad
16. AITJ For Wanting To Move Out Of The Toxic Environment My Childhood Home Brings?
“I (21 F) and my partner have been living with my mom, my younger brother, my 30-year-old brother, his 40-year-old wife, and their two kids. At first, things were going well. I chose to stay and live with my mom mainly because we weren’t financially ready to get a place of our own after my pregnancy.
My partner wasn’t too happy with the idea but he eventually agreed. We have had issues with my brother and his wife several times, resulting in them talking bad about my parenting style, claiming they’d help babysit my son while I go to school but flake last minute and they’ve talked bad about my partner. My sister-in-law would also claim that I wasn’t a ‘real mom’ while I was two weeks postpartum simply because I wasn’t working a traditional 40 hr work week and dealing with the same situation as she was.
I had given birth during the recent crisis and was able to stay at home while on unemployment during the shutdown. My mother has never officially sided on either of our sides but she also has never set a boundary with them even when they’ve taken advantage of her as well and treated her poorly. I recently got into an argument with my sister-in-law and quite frankly cannot take any more of it.
I don’t want to move out because it’s my childhood home & it is the last thing I have of my dad before his passing but I also do not want to deal with their negativity and rude comments about what goes on in my life. They consistently spread lies about my mom and me to other family members.
I know moving out will hurt my mom financially and will break her heart but I am also a grown woman who can make decisions on my own. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your SIL needs to get stuffed. She is 40 yrs old and living at your mother’s and I’m thinking she’s the instigator of all the conflict in the house.
Sounds like she’s trying to take over the house and just a guess that she’s close in age to your mother. I think the best way to get peace for you would be to move out because it doesn’t sound like your SIL and brother are moving out anytime soon, if ever.” cattripper
Another User Comments:
“Far from being YTJ, it would probably be a huge relief to all the others crammed into this home if you and your partner were to move out.
This can’t possibly be a calm situation for your mother, no matter how much she tells you she likes having you there. NTJ, just doing the responsible adult thing.” DplusLplusKplusM
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Girl, get out of there. Yes, it is the only thing that’s left of your father. But you also have to live your life and also live for your kid.
That’s all your mom’s fault if you moved out and it breaks her tremendously.
Not you.” GoldenJaguar1995
15. WIBTJ If I Stopped Going Shopping With My Friends?
“I (18M) come from a wealthy working-class family and have a best friend (16F) who means the world to me and is like my sister. My friend group, however, doesn’t really like her; despite their opinions, I decided to stay neutral and continue hanging out with both.
My friend group is very large, and most come from the lower working class, but personally, I don’t really care about this since I’ve known them for years and will be there for them no matter what, even though some people make subtle comments on my expensive lifestyle and habits.
This saddens me honestly because I always avoid talking about anything that has to do with money to not hurt any of them and seem like a spoiled brat. I’ve never criticized or commented on their financial possibilities and their lifestyles, and yet all I can hear are nasty little comments and, worst of all, awful stares whenever we go shopping: I like buying expensive clothes and, as a big nerd, anything that has to do with comics and LEGO sets.
Again, to avoid being ‘disrespectful’, I try to go into the shops alone and do my business. But lo and behold, when I see them waiting for me I get these ugly death stares and comments like ‘oh you could have gotten this for cheaper’, ‘what a waste’ and ‘it really looks like you have money to flush down the toilet’.
Luckily, after speaking to them, most of my friends have stopped this but there’s one person who just got more and more intense.
Now, when my friends ask me if I’d like to go shopping with them, I politely decline and only go with my bestie, as she has the same interests as me and she also comes from a wealthy family, so I get no judgments from her.
My friends have realized my situation and told me they tried speaking with this guy, as his actions are, to quote them, ‘ruining our group and the relationship we have’. As of today, I’m currently deciding whether or not to go shopping with my friends and thinking about going only when the one who makes all the comments isn’t around.
Am I the jerk?
Edit: I have now completely removed this guy from my life and whenever I go shopping with my friends nobody comments on my purchases/how much I’ve spent. It feels unreal to finally be free from other people’s judgment.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is sad, you shouldn’t have to hide things you buy from your friends.
My friends or family will buy expensive makeup or clothes in front of me, but I don’t judge. I splurge on things that they spend less on and they don’t judge me for that. It’d be one thing if you were bragging about how much you spend, but you should be able to go shopping and buy things like your friends do.
It’s good that you talked to your friends about it, you can’t control what family you were born into. But I would avoid the one friend who doesn’t understand that, they seem jealous over something you can’t control. You aren’t an heir to a family who won the lottery randomly, you’re in a family who is part of the working class, meaning they worked for what they have.
If you don’t feel comfortable shopping with this person and they won’t change, it’s understandable that you wouldn’t want to go with them. However, you’ll also be missing time with your other friends. You aren’t ruining the group and the relationship unless there’s something else you haven’t mentioned.
I can understand the first reaction from the entire group from before you talked to them since you’re all young, but I’d judge harder for people in their 20s/older, especially as people start working and having their own money.
While I’m not from a wealthy family, I also had to deal with people judging me or my friends for the stuff we buy. Our school was a mix of different economic backgrounds and making fun of poor people was stigmatized, but making fun of middle-class or rich people was okay to some people.” americancoconuts
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it makes sense to do shopping with people of similar wealth, it would just be awkward to shop for something costly when you know your friend won’t be able to afford it. You can have friends of different wealth, but modify your behavior accordingly when you are with them to not show off too much.” peppersnob
14. AITJ For Being Frustrated That My Friends Always Talk To Their Partners?
“We are all in relationships for various amounts of time (4 years, 3 years, 6 months). We visited Mr. 6 Months this year for our annual boys’ trip and we spent a lot of nights going out with his significant other which was great! Got to meet her and had a blast.
But he still would talk to her on the phone like 8-10 times a day, no sarcasm.
Then my other friend is never fully present he is always on his phone texting his SO. They always have some sort of drama and he gets absorbed. Don’t get me wrong I miss my SO sometimes as well but I don’t feel the need to constantly be on the phone.
It’s to the point where we will sit down to dinner and both of them will have their heads down in their phones for 20 minutes.
To tonight when we were at a comedy show where phones are strictly not allowed and they are both still texting their partners?
Am I reasonable for being frustrated that the 5-day boys’ trip was filled with times when they’re both talking to their partners or am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Why is having a feeling a jerk thing? You can not control how you feel, just how you react to it.
This is like asking if you’re a jerk because your broken arm hurts. Going to assume you plan on doing something about this. Get new friends. If they are so insecure with their relationships that they need to keep tabs on their SOs then that isn’t someone I would want to hang with. If the girls are so insecure they need constant attention then your friends aren’t there.
Either way, not a good relationship.” Severedeye
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think a healthy relationship means being able to set boundaries and being like ‘babe I love you but I’m spending time with friends right now. We should be done at around x time and I’ll text you then and I’ll keep you updated if things change’ and if the partners are too immature to set those boundaries or have a healthy relationship where you can’t be without each other for more than 2 seconds than they shouldn’t be in a relationship.” buhhh61995496
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If you go out specifically ‘just the boys’ then they should not be 24/7 on the phone. I mean they can call/chat throughout the day, to be honest, that’s not a problem, the problem seems they don’t value your time and company.” AggravatingSwim
There isn't a whole lot of information. Are their partners pregnant? Dealing with health issues? Have kids? Dog died? Mom is sick? Car is in the shop? About to take Uni finals? Up for a new job or promotion?
There are many valid reasons that your friends could have for being on their phones a lot. Also, five days is a long time to expect the undivided attention of adult friends, honestly. Especially if there are kids in involved.
If none of those reasons exist, then you need to bring it up like "hey guys can we text our partners before the comedy show and then go radio silent until the end, please?". They should be spending *some* quality time with you if they made the effort to meet.
On the other hand, it sounds like you are a little jealous that the dynamics have changed and you are no longer their priority. You also need to realize that this is natural.
As people get into relationships, get married, have kids... there new family will become their priority. I've been married nearly 27 years and I can tell you I've never even once taken a 5 day trip with "just the girls" because my husband and children are my priority. We are his. He sometimes has to go out of town for work, but yes, we talk. Throughout the day we'll text and banter about the kids, the funny thing that happened, his work stuff, etc. Each night we always do a 20-30 minute FB video chat so our younger child (7) can read him a book, say goodnight, etc. That's completely normal for our family dynamics. I love my three best friends "the girls" to absolute pieces, but my husband is more than just a bestie. Your friends might be on that trajectory of partner > "the boys" and that doesn't mean they don't care about you, it just means things are changing.
13. AITJ For Being Mad At My Dad For Visiting At 9:30 PM?
“My granddad passed away recently, and my partner (‘Sam’) and I bought his house through a private sale, which all were happy with. When we first moved in, dad spent some time plastering the main bedroom for us (free of charge, although we insisted we pay but he wouldn’t accept it).
Prior to this, Sam, my sister, her partner, and I were living in my step mum’s house which she rents out.
We agreed to support my dad and step mum with getting the house together for new tenants.
Sam and I only had 4 days off before going back to work. We heard from the parents twice, one time we couldn’t help as we were busy, and the other time we did. We had our own house to sort out, so got on with that, assuming dad would contact us if needed.
Fast forward a month, dad gave me some money from the sale of grandad’s house. Sam and I are buying a kitchen with it. Dad has not supported us with this, so we went with mum and found one. When I told dad about the kitchen, he said it was very expensive, and wanted to look at alternatives.
I’ve not heard from dad since, so I text him yesterday to see when he’s free (the sale runs out on Monday so we want to buy before then). Dad tells me ‘I’ll come round later to sort it out’. Okay fine, that works for me. He then knocks on our door at 9.30 pm. Sam and I both wake up early for work which dad knows.
He has done this many times before, late at night, and we’ve told him many times to just text or call beforehand.
By the time I find the keys to unlock the door, the dog has been barking for a few minutes, and dad has knocked on the door several times since. I open the door and moan at him for not texting or calling first.
He said that he texted me at 11 am to say he would be around later. I told him that Sam and I are now relaxing, and we don’t particularly want to start thinking about kitchens and helping him with unloading his van. He then kicked off and called me selfish saying I don’t mind when I’m out until 10 pm with friends or when he was staying late sorting our house out.
I explained that the time he came round was not an issue, but instead would have liked a text so Sam and I could have known about it and planned it into our evening. When I meet with friends this is pre-planned so I can work it into my evening/week, which is all I asked from him too.
He also said that if I helped with my step mum’s house he wouldn’t have come round as late (they’ve not asked us for help at all, and I was under the impression it was all sorted).
My dad is now not talking to me. I feel guilty for this, but he always turns up unannounced and then expects me and Sam to be free in the daytime, whilst annoying we accept it, but after 8.30 pm it seems a bit of a joke.
So, AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are going to have to establish very firm boundaries with your Dad. It isn’t going to be easy and it will get worse before it gets better. But you need to define how you want to interact with him going forward, you need to be absolutely consistent while he learns the new rules.” fairiestoldmeto
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘I’ll come by later’ apparently means anytime in the next 12 hours.
Regardless of the time, you don’t show up unannounced and by 9:30 many people who are early risers are settling down for the night, if not already in bed.” Cavane42
Another User Comments:
“Your dad is helping you out with your new house and kitchen? Am I correct on that? If I am helping you out it is not only about your convenience, it is a matter of if it fits into my schedule. I agree he could have sent a text but be careful, you may not get any more help.” Jensooverstupid
12. AITJ For Avoiding Or Leaving Phone Calls?
“I often feel like a bad person when I avoid phone calls from particular people who I love dearly but cannot stand long phone calls with. I tend to be okay on phone calls where I am equally involved in the conversation. Where I get to participate. The conversations where I avoid hanging around are the ones where it turns into the person talking at me for extended periods of time without me having any real interaction whatsoever.
They tend to rant or just have a never-ending monologue of words that come out so fast I never have a chance to jump in. I end up just sitting on the end of the phone feeling deflated and awful… while they carry on non-stop.
Only a few times I have let people know the conversation is going on too long for me and they have always been offended or over-the-top upset and apologetic.
I try my best to be polite but the result is always the same. I have many friends and there are a fair few that like to hold me on the phone for as long as possible. I know these particular people are struggling in life and often feel lonely and powerless. I would love to be there to support them for longer but I feel my mental health can’t handle them draining my energy so intensely.
I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not setting this boundary with people who need my love and acceptance. I don’t want to keep lying to get off the phone. I’m not sure if my resistance to it is just me being intolerant. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to realize one of life’s most important rules: DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE! Most phone calls are not good news.
If the call is truly important, the other person will leave a message or send an email instead. You are under no obligation to answer, and if you DO answer you are under no obligation to be the ‘agony aunt’ to whoever calls.
Give them however much time you want, and then simply say, ‘(annoying person’s name), it was great hearing from you but I have to go now.
Let’s talk more next time. Bye!’ and then hang up. No excuses needed, no need to answer their pleas. Or say, ‘great to hear from you, but I only have 10 minutes…’ then cut them off as above. After all, you warned them!” Funny_Jellyfish5632
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No one has to answer the phone, no one has to stay on the phone.
Assuming you want to stay friends with these people (no shame if you don’t friendships should be positive for both people involved) I would recommend working out ways to end the conversation without saying ‘this has gone on too long’. These things don’t have to be important and they don’t necessarily have to be completely true either.
For example, you can say you have some chores you need to get done or that you need to get ready to run errands, etc. You can even just say you need to go to the toilet and you’ll speak to them another time.” realyak
Another User Comments:
“I’ve got one friend like that… if I answer the phone it’s never less than an hour.
So I only answer when I have a spare hour and the mental energy to cope with her complaining about her life non-stop. Have you considered that your long-winded friends may be doing this to other people too? Maybe you don’t have to feel guilty about not being always available to them. And I don’t reckon you should feel guilty about lying to get off the phone with them if that lie preserves everyone’s dignity! NTJ.” Enough-Builder-2230
11. AITJ For Talking About My New Job In Front Of My Sister's Husband?
“I’m 21(m) and recently got my first job. I haven’t worked there yet, but the spot was guaranteed and an experienced security guard gave me a rundown of the job. Then a few days ago we wanted to eat some takeout so we asked my sister’s husband if he could get it for us. He agreed and drove there.
Came back and after a while, I said with sarcasm, ‘My family wants me to take them out to party when I get my first paycheck.’ Then I told him about my job as a security guard. He then told me that it was a useless job and that you don’t do anything. I got a little upset and tried to tell him that you do actually work there and that it is a broad field.
He denied everything I said and told me that it was a useless job anyway. So I got a little upset and told him, ‘Well if it’s such an easy job you could try working there.’
He didn’t respond and left with my sister.
EDIT: To clarify he didn’t leave after my comeback he left because he just wanted to take my sister back.
Whenever he arrives he doesn’t stay for long and quickly leaves with his family. He works as a carpenter.”
Another User Comments:
“One thing we all learn in life is that some people refuse to be happy for other people’s success.
Don’t look to people like that for Attaboys or Congrats.
You have nothing to prove to him. His opinion doesn’t matter.
Take notes as you learn the job and read over your notes every morning and night so you don’t forget the details. Prepare your lunch and uniform the night before, make sure your car has gas, etc, and show up a few minutes early to work. Ask questions when you don’t know something. Ask what else you can do when there are lulls.
Good luck. Enjoy it.” FrauAmarylis
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and I will tell you why. Skilled tradesmen make bank like ridiculous now. If he is a carpenter and is successful he is making way more than you think. He is right security is a dead-end job that will suck the life out of you. Talk to security guards you will find that most of them have been there forever like decades.
Can you imagine getting paid the same trashy wage for decades with raises being like 10 cents an hour? Because that’s what security is. There are no promotions because the sups and head dude will stay there forever. None of the job skills gained are marketable for anything besides security.” Kebunah
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s rough being around someone who likes to dump on your accomplishments. A friend of my husband’s always had a negative comment any time we moved or posted something about a new job. It annoys me to this day.” Scared-March7443
10. AITJ For Rejecting A Fake Designer Bag From My Grandma?
“My grandmother bought me a designer belt and bag which are fake. She asked me several times if I wanted them and I told her no. This isn’t me being snobby, I just don’t see the point in fake designer, and would rather save up and buy the real thing myself. She wasn’t hearing any of it and kept trying to convince me that they were ‘replicas’ or ‘inspired’.
I just told her, thank you, but no thank you, and save your funds.
Today she comes into my room with the bag and belt incredibly excited. I’m annoyed because I told her over and over again that I didn’t want it and now she’s upset because I won’t take them and she can’t get her money back.
Now I think I’m the jerk because I seem ungrateful, but I already told her I don’t want them so many times, as recently as two days ago. I can’t even just accept them and never wear them because we live together. I’m just so annoyed because she never listens to me.
So AITJ for refusing the bag and subsequently wasting her funds?
Edit: I truly understand how I’m coming off as ungrateful and I feel that way myself, however, there is a lot of context I missed out here.
My grandmother has a habit of continually ignoring what I say I want in my life. For example, she kept insisting that I live in a specific city. I was in a terrible relationship whilst I was living in that city and it caused me great trauma so I don’t want to go back. I kept telling her this over and over again and she kept bringing it up.
This bag is just another example of that, and it’s just affecting me because I don’t feel like I’m supported in my actions and feelings towards anything.”
Another User Comments:
“Speaking as a Grandma – ‘replica’ ‘fake’ ‘knock-off’ and I’ll toss in ‘inspired’ for good measure, all equal ‘counterfeit’ OK? While I don’t question your Grandma thinking that she was doing something nice for you, she should have respected your wishes about not wanting counterfeit merchandise, too.
She should also know that selling and buying counterfeit stuff is illegal. My oldest granddaughter is graduating HS this year. Like me, she is a fan of Louis Vuitton. She has asked for an LV wallet for her graduation gift. Don’t rag on her, I asked her what she wanted. While I am in her city for the commencement, I will be taking her to the LV store there to get her wallet.
I am blessed to be in a position to do so. People really can tell when these luxury items aren’t authentic. Props to you for sticking to your principles and not wanting counterfeit merch. No, you’re NTJ by any means, but go easy on your Grandma this time. I think she means well.” FantasticDreamer1221
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you’re not coming off as ungrateful or snobby.
The responses talking about how much they wish they had their grandma to buy them something have nothing relevant to this. I wish my great-grandma was still alive too but that doesn’t make you a jerk for not wanting counterfeit designer items. You said no multiple times and she completely ignored you. You don’t have to accept the items she decided to go ahead and buy anyways.
That doesn’t even come off as doing a nice thing to me.” NeekedNewt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She was given all available data to conclude that by getting you something you didn’t want, you wouldn’t want it.
Whatever she’s doing, she’s doing it to herself. You weren’t the cause of her upset, you were merely the tool by which she chose to upset herself.
Let it go emotionally and just don’t engage with her. If she hasn’t worked out you can’t force a whole other person to feel the way you want them to, that’s a her-problem. Let her keep it.
Treat her the same, don’t refer to the bag or belt again. Be cheerful and just keep moving to other topics as this one has ended. Where she goes from here or if she does is her choice. There are some people you just have to sidestep. Lovingly, but sidestep nonetheless. The trick is not to look like you understand or feel guilty – channel their energy back at them and always keep moving.” mangonlime
I don't get wanting "designer" anything.
9. AITJ For Refusing To See My Parents Unless They Accept Me For Who I Am?
“I (36M) was married for 14 years. During that time, my parents, who live on the other side of the country, liked to see us about three times a year. Once when they would visit us, once when we would visit them, and a third when we would all meet up at a fun location and vacation together.
I made enough to support my wife and kids, but not enough extra to pay for plane tickets and hotels, so my parents would always pay for us.
About a year ago, my wife left me for another man, and we went through a painful divorce. I spent a couple of months in a cheap motel, trying to find somewhere to stay, but it was difficult.
I finally asked my parents to co-sign a lease with me. They refused, saying they’d rather buy a house in my area, and let me rent it from them. That way they could visit more often and not have to stay in a hotel the whole time. I didn’t have any other options, so that’s what we did.
They came to visit when we closed on the house, to help me move in. The day I moved in, they told me their rule: I couldn’t have a partner live with me if we were unmarried. I had also come out to them as bi that visit, so they said I couldn’t have a same-gendered partner live with me under any circumstances, as they don’t recognize same-sex marriages as legitimate marriages.
I was pretty upset, but it was too late to back out, so I had to go along with it.
A few months ago, I started going out with a girl, and it’s starting to get serious. The last time my parents visited, they wanted to plan for upcoming visits/vacations, and I told them I wanted my partner to come.
They said that was fine, but we would have to stay in separate rooms. I told them that we’re both grown adults, we’ve both been married and divorced, and we have no plans on getting married again, ever. They said they didn’t care, that was their rule and they weren’t backing down. So I told them I would no longer be visiting them or going on vacations with them until they agree to accept that I’m bi, and treat me and my partner like adults and a legitimate couple.
They asked if my kids could come to visit them without me, and I said absolutely not. Any place where I’m not welcome, my kids certainly aren’t going.
They’re now very upset and saying I’m disrespecting them and their religious beliefs (which is why they’re against my sexuality and being unmarried with a partner). AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the fact that they sprung these ‘rules’ on you last minute shows they are sneaky, controlling, and manipulative because they knew you had no other choice.
So you save up and move out so you’re not under these ridiculous rules. If these rules aren’t printed out and signed by you they can’t enforce them.
My advice to you would be: the less you tell your parents the better. Be very VERY vague about everything you have going on in your personal life, private life, and your finances.
Don’t give them full-on detailed answers to any of their questions! They treat you like a child because you’re allowing them to dictate these rules to you and you’re just going along with it. Do not back down. Continue to say ‘no I’m an adult and I’m seeing someone. I’m going to have company at my place.
Sorry, you and dad don’t approve of my very normal life.’ And refuse to discuss it any further. Tell them you have to go and hang up. That’s it. They can’t do anything to you. You are a paying tenant and personal rules don’t apply. SAVE UP AND MOVE OUT!
Also, their religious beliefs are just that! Theirs, not yours! You are NOT obligated to follow in their footsteps nor are you going to! Boom that’s it!” TisThee_Reason
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your parents changed the (perceived) rules of the game after you’d already moved into their home and you’re of course being overly absolutist about everything. You need to move out of their house and spend your rent money on a place where you can do as you please. You also need to stop using your children as a weapon.
They have their own relationships with their grandparents that have nothing to do with you, your sexuality, your partner, or whatever other gripes you have with them. You don’t have to go on vacations with them and your relationship with them will probably improve once they’re no longer your landlords. But you’re too old to be this petulant and the goal always has to be for reconciliation (even if that means you sometimes have to hold your tongue).
Trust me on this, they won’t live forever.” DplusLplusKplusM
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and kudos to you for standing up for your values.
If puritan religious values are a thing that your parents want to follow, then all power to them (I’m sure that you won’t force either one of them into a same-sex relationship or make them sleep in a room with an opposite-gender person whom they are not married to) – AND they have exactly 0 grounds to push or blackmail anyone else including you to follow their rules as well.
Also one hint maybe: since at some point your parents will have contact again with your kids because I think that eventually, they will probably miss their grandkids enough to cave, I think it will be worth it to have conversations with your kids about how adults are not always right and how some adults believe things (religion) that they are totally convinced are true, but that aren’t necessarily true just because they believe them, and that kids can always verify everything that they hear from others (kids and adults) by comparing it to their own lived experiences and talking to others about it.
That can be a worthwhile strategy to use if you have family members with extreme beliefs (religious or otherwise), who might convey messages to your kids that you might not agree with, but whom for whatever reason you don’t want to cut off from your kids entirely (maybe because they are otherwise good grandparents and the kids like them).
If you are able to teach your kids early on that adults are not automatically right just because they are adults and that kids can use their own critical thinking skills, the adults in question can become more from the ‘uncle in the attic’ kind and the kids will learn to just tune out messaging like ‘being LGBTQ is bad’ etc (‘yeah yeah, let them talk’).” Ankchen
Another User Comments:
“Ehhhhhh, everyone sucks here.
Your parents appear to bankroll your life (and it appears they have been for a while). If you want to be independent, then you should be independent completely. While your parents are paying for things for you, they do get a bit of a say, unfortunately.
BUT, they’re clearly homophobic, which is automatically jerk material. And they sprung these conditions on you after closing on the house, which took away your ability to agree or not agree to their terms.
You should find your own place and pay for your own trips and then they can’t say anything about your lifestyle because it’s not their business. It’ll serve them right to be stuck with a mortgage (you should have done it right when they gave you the insane rules).” Generic____username1
8. AITJ For Cutting My Mom Out Of My Life?
“My mom and I have always had a rocky relationship ever since I was around 10-11 years old, and it only got worse from there. When I turned 14, I asked my dad for a laptop since I started to need one to make my school life easier. My dad then said yes and gave the money for it to my mom.
The problem is, instead of spending that money on a new laptop for me, she instead used the money for herself. I argued with her multiple times about it but to this day, I still have not gotten the money back. My parents were never married and my mom has always had a bad financial status whilst my dad was pretty well-off.
Growing up, I remember my mom threatening my dad to never let me see him again if he didn’t give her funds. I remember multiple occasions wherein I had to cry, begging my mom to let me see my dad after my dad refused to give my mom any more funds. She has also lied on multiple occasions about me needing some funds for school so that she can get some funds from my dad and use the money for herself.
I’ve hated my mom for the longest time because of how much she uses me as a cash cow to get some funds from my dad. Flash forward to now, and my mom got into some financial trouble again. Which caused even my grandparents some trouble and led my grandparents to sell their farm to help my mom pay off her debt.
Ever since then, I’ve been avoiding her calls and texts and I cut her off from my life. However, my whole family has been kinda mad at me for doing so. They keep telling me to reach out to my mom ‘as she is still my mother’ they said. But I really do resent my mom for taking advantage of the people around her and putting herself first.
I am still deeply hurt that she has used me against my dad to get some funds. I’ve also felt a bit guilty for cutting her off recently as I am sympathetic to her despite everything that she’s done. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She knows you care for her and she takes full advantage of that. That’s the sign of a manipulator and a toxic person.
She is using you. She doesn’t deserve to have a child, no parent that takes advantage of their child’s care for them deserves one. So cutting her off is for the best. She needs to grow up. Also ‘she is still your mother’ is no excuse for her horrendous behavior. Besides, why should you be held responsible for her still being your mother? You didn’t send in an application asking to be her kid and be shamelessly used by her.” freakingOutIn_3_2_1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, mainly because you always have the right to dictate who you wish to associate with and on what terms.
Add to that the whole history and that is definitely a reason to keep your distance. For parents, there should be a default level of respect that is expected, and they shouldn’t have to ‘prove’ that they deserve your respect. However, they can certainly prove that they DON’T deserve it with their actions. Your mother has clearly done that.
It is unfortunate that a child does not want to have a relationship with a parent, but sadly your mother is responsible for that.” Somerandomedude1q2w
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother’s financial problems seem to have existed your whole life; it’s impossible that YOU could fix things if her parents selling their farm wasn’t enough. After she drains them, she would just drain you too and still need funds. Maybe it’s for illegal substances, maybe gambling; but the one certainty is she’ll take EVERYTHING you have, and still need more. Your bankruptcy won’t save her, so save yourself. Keep her blocked, and block anyone who says otherwise. Sorry, she’s beyond your help.” ButterscotchOk7516
If your dad really meant you to buy a laptop he would have bought you a laptop. Especially if, as he claims, your mum has been wasting money. I am reading a while pile of red flags here in your tale and urge you to do some checking before you go condemning your mum.
7. AITJ For Kicking My Ex Out Of The House?
“So after 7yrs of relationship, 5yrs of being engaged, and a 4yo daughter together I decided to call it quits the first week of march.
When we broke up I said I don’t expect him to move out instantly. What I meant was like the end of the month. We talked and agreed to him moving out on May 1.
I said I don’t care If you have a new apartment or find a friend’s couch, I want you out. I don’t expect him to get all his stuff out right now. But to get himself a place to stay. We agreed that he would clean up after himself and help out co-parenting while he’s here.
AITJ for holding him to what was promised or agreed upon?
Further Info: Since then the living together is friendly (I keep myself back a lot because hey, it’s just a few days left) but he does even less than before and I can’t stand him being here any longer. He hasn’t even started packing or at least sorting his stuff.
I don’t want to waste any more energy on nagging nor do I want to be the one to pack and clean up his stuff once again.
Since our agreement, one apartment fell through (a scam, he realized before making payments thank God) and last weekend his mother passed away after a long time of illness. It would have been his weekend to spend time with his daughter but since he visited his mother out of town, I took over and cooked so he has warm food when he came back and didn’t bother him with anything til yesterday.
He came back early enough to put his daughter to sleep. He went in there twice, for a minute. I put her to sleep in the end. Again. I’m so sick of him living here and not helping out.
So even though I’m trying to understand his situation and be patient. I just want him out of here.
I want to move on. Get used to being just the two of us.
So last night I asked him how he has planned the weekend. He looked at me silently with a death stare. So I asked, have you found a place to stay? Death stare again and he angrily asked me If I’m serious right now.
I answered calmly I was just asking, he was like no you know that I don’t have anywhere to go. He has a work friend who offered his couch but it was too messy and far away for him.
So I asked him if he at least would take his daughter on the weekend. He was hesitant but agreed.
This whole thing is not sitting right with me and I just want him out. It’s not my problem anymore.
Am I the jerk for pushing him out or am I justified in not taking his nonsense any longer?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. But both of you should recognize that the most important person in this is your child.
Every decision you make, every action you take and every word you both speak must be in the furtherance of helping her survive seeing her family destroyed. If you can get to that place and make her mental/emotional health your north star everything else will be easier to contend with. Good luck.” DplusLplusKplusM
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for wanting him out.
He did agree to the 1st of May. And he’s been very much not holding up his end.
But you have a child together, so if he has no place to live, or lives on a friend’s messy couch, how is it going to affect her? If that’s what his time with her is going to end up being (taking her back to his friend’s), maybe it’s best for your daughter that you don’t kick him out just yet.
And also, it is very mean to kick him out a week after his mother died. Maybe he hasn’t done anything because… grief? And yes, he had 2 months to pack his things, but I don’t pack for a 6 months trip until like the day before so I’d be a hypocrite if I judged him for not packing two months ahead of time.
Also, we’re in the worst housing market right now. As in houses are being overbid by millions over the asking price to get it. Not even just in the US. I’m paying way above average for my apartment in France. My friend in Amsterdam just overbid a rental contract. Not asked the landlord for a deal, but over bid rent, because there were so many applicants.” User
Another User Comments:
“With all going on for him it might not be the perfect timing he’s grieving right now BUT you also deserve some distance.
I feel like even tho he just lost his mother he should at least look for apartments. Somehow I feel like he’s just staying cause it’s so comfortable that he doesn’t even wanna leave. I’m probably sounding heartless oh God… but stating that his Mother had a long time of illness he probably knew it beforehand which doesn’t make it better but still.
It sounds like he didn’t make any effort before and won’t make it now and now has even more reason to stay. This all feels fishy especially after reading some of your replies. You can’t live like that forever and I feel like there’s a point where you have to crap on everybody else for you to finally be happy! It also affects your kid in the long run.
There are reasons to split up a relationship after that long time and I feel like it’s time for you to also relax and get your life together! You shouldn’t hold back!
In my opinion, please stand your foot, even if he just goes to a hotel or to a friend you had an agreement with! Maybe even tho it’s not your job send him some flats in your area. NTJ.” mrscatastrophe
6. WIBTJ For Telling My Roommates I Want To Live With Just My Partner?
“I moved in with my two friends as roommates (we’re all in our late twenties) in a flat in the city at the start of 2021. We didn’t make any prior arrangements or agreements, we informally talked about living together for around two years, but it’s possible they don’t even remember — we didn’t like formally agree on it.
One of them was supposed to take a mortgage, second intended to return to his home village, but with no actual set-in-stone plan. However, we agreed that since I’m the one likely living there the longest (even after they leave), everything is written in my name – contract, utilities, etc. I manage all of it, therefore.
The contract is always for one year.
It was a year in March, so we prolonged the contract for another year and agreed that my SO will move in with me in my room and will pay 1/4 of the rent. I and my SO have been together for about a year now (but we’ve known each other for some years before as friends).
In March 2023, it will be therefore two years of living together. I and my SO want to live together only as just the two of us then, not with the other two roommates.
WIBTJ if I just tell them – ‘please move out, I want to live there with my SO. Obviously, take your time, you can stay until you find a place, but it would be ideal if it were around the two-year mark we briefly discussed when we moved in.
We don’t want another year in this setting’. Obviously, I’d tell them that at least half a year prior, i.e. around October this year.
Thing is, the flat is really good and quite cheap for what we get, especially since the price increased lately. If we decided to move out, we would likely get a worse option (smaller and/or worse location) for the same price, and they would move out likely after another year anyway, so nobody would get the flat in a longer time frame.
I understand if they move out, then they lose the good flat, but only for a year or so, as they plan out their own places eventually… we intend to live there for 5+ years, ideally. It’s big enough to start a family when we’re 30 or so. I try to picture myself in their shoes and I would probably do it also as a gesture to my friends (though I understand it’s a disadvantage).
As for the option to endure another year (one of the roommates is a little difficult to live with), we don’t really want that honestly.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, considering you all spoke about this in the beginning that it was a temporary place for them, but I would say your plan to approach them is nice, you giving them a good long warning but also you not necessarily kicking them out if you also want to tell them that they can stay until they’re able to leave peacefully on their own.
For this conversation, however, I would say sit down with the two of them and explain what you’re hoping for in the future with the flat (of course telling them the top two points) and just try to have a nice calm conversation to see how they feel and stand on the situation, considering their earlier plans that they told you before moving in I don’t believe it’ll be much of an issue but still doesn’t hurt to expect a bad reaction.
I wish you luck on the conversations and hope it goes well with no issues.” MainTelosFury
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because the contract and all the utilities are in your name.
I think of course it is okay to ASK them to move out, but typically it would be rude to demand that you get the apartment. However, for two years you have assumed the risk of being the leaseholder and having the utilities in your name, meaning if they left or something happened, all the costs are on you.
That to me does mean if/when there is a decision to move out, you should get first dibs on keeping the apartment. You have taken on the management and legal risks for two years, and I imagine the building would rather have you stay on than them.
Give them plenty of notice and talk to them now.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“Your explanation of net benefit and ‘favors are what friends do’ makes you sound pretty entitled because uprooting your living situation is bigger than a favor.
YOU don’t want to move out to get something smaller or more expensive, so bear in mind that perhaps your friends might not either. Their plans may hang on having this housing for another year – if they move out they may have to live somewhere more expensive and not save up for a mortgage as much as they have planned for, for example.
So don’t expect them to want to put their own plans on hold for you, because you do not want to do it for them.
You can ask them if they would be willing to move out at that time and YWNBTJ, but deciding that they have to do so and kick them out if they just need another year would be a bit awful.” could_not_care_more
5. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner To Quit Work?
“My partner has a couple of physical and mental disabilities. Physical wise there’s fibromyalgia, and the other is hypothyroidism. Mentally there is Depression and anxiety. In order to help with it, my partner takes medicine for hypothyroidism, depression, and anxiety. But not yet for fibromyalgia as it was diagnosed recently.
Recently my partner has been talking about nothing except quitting work and living off of benefits.
In my opinion, this isn’t something somebody should strive for, but apparently, that’s my partner’s plan for the future (we are not married, but plan to be in the future, so even if benefits are received, after marriage they will probably disappear leaving me the only earner).
Not sure if it’s worth mentioning but my partner has not got a physically demanding job, the job is a work-from-home job answering telephone calls and helping customers for a major retailer.
AITJ for thinking my partner should not just quit work, and strive for benefits, while I have to work to pay my part of rent/bills?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I’d say your partner is a grown-up and can make their choices as they see fit. So are you.
Choices have consequences, however, and one obvious consequence here is a loss of income.
You should have a talk about what she is imagining financially moving forward. Benefits, but that’s not a lot. What about extras like vacations, car repairs, and a down payment on a house? Is her long-term expectation that you should cover this?
If that’s something you’re not interested in doing you should tell her this now so she can take that into account.” LadyoftheFjords
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ because I think you’re just a bit misguided in your feelings.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting someone who puts in the same level of work as you do but you also need to understand what your partner experiences and will be experiencing with their health. Their mental health is affected by their physical health and if they’re not communicating with you about what they are experiencing then you have no ability to understand why this is what they want.
The thing is though, you don’t need to understand fully, you just need to trust them. I get your fears, the idea of being financially responsible for 2 adults is scary but the only way you two are going to figure out your future is by communicating in the present in healthy ways.” thechewypotato
4. AITJ For Taking Photos Of My Partner In Secret?
“My partner (24F) and I (26F) have been together for a year and a half. She loves taking pictures and having pictures taken of her. Her birthday was coming up and I didn’t know what to get her so I thought I’d get something with meaningful memories.
So I took photos of her on my camera, cooking or singing, basically doing things she likes, decently clothed, I promise.
I got this collection of pics of her that I thought were meaningful and sweet. I’m in some of them too. I had them printed and collaged in one big album which I gave her on her birthday (yesterday). I also took one of the loveliest pictures that both of us are in and made identical lockets of it.
I thought she would be happy but she was creeped out that I would take pictures of her that she knew nothing about.
I thought it was romantic but now that I think about it, my action might have crossed a line but I’m not sure so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I think between the intent and the contextual content of the pictures, this is just an unfortunate misunderstanding.
You were careful to get pictures that wouldn’t be problematic, enough so that you felt comfortable having them printed by someone. All in all a rather sweet, thoughtful, and creative gift.
That said, your partner feels like it was a privacy violation. Her feeling is valid because we don’t choose our feelings. Many people will think back to perfectly fine events and remember themselves as, or worry that they were, awkward, and feel like if they aren’t aware of the picture being taken, it will end up being unflattering.
Hopefully, after the feeling of violation passes, she’ll be able to see it for what it is, and you will learn that this is maybe an idea that you shouldn’t try again with her.” toofat2serve
Another User Comments:
“I think where it becomes potentially creepy is that you did it for a while, without knowing that she was ok with it at all.
If you didn’t want her to know because then she might act differently, then that’s manipulative, even though you were doing it for a surprise. And she didn’t get to make any choices at all.
And how were you taking pictures that both of you are in, without her knowing? She may be reacting to your methods as well.
She thought these moments were private but later found out they’re not, and you’ve selected ones (and a special one) that she’s supposed to use as mementos, without any input from her whatsoever. She didn’t get to give her ok to take them, or pose, or get to pick which ones she likes, or anything about them at all.
She was a subject, not a participant. It’s pictures of her, but the choices were all yours. Your special couple picture for your lockets, and she didn’t even know you took the picture much less get to help choose which picture to use. She gets to look at these pictures and wonder how she didn’t notice you were taking them, and what parts of your interactions were you setting up a shot rather than being genuine.
That’s not a romantic feeling.
So I get why you thought otherwise, but YTJ here.” calling_water
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I get how it was a sweet idea, but I also get how she might be creeped out.
How you remain not the jerk: apologize, tell her you understand and respect what she’s told you and that you’ll never do that again.
And finally, offer to delete all photos you took without her knowledge. As for the lockets, you could plan a photoshoot session to replace those pictures.
You’re not a jerk for crossing a boundary you didn’t know she had, and you had reasonable reasons to believe she wouldn’t mind. But now that you’re aware of it, and since it’s not a weird or unreasonable boundary to have either, time to show her you take that seriously.
If I were her, I know that your reaction to me voicing my discomfort about something you did will matter as much, if not more, than the original action.” LazyOpia
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ
I think it’s common courtesy to let people know when you are taking their photos. This should be a discussion that you had with your partner much earlier in your relationship (like around the time you took the first picture).
Some people are fine with casual photos, others want a bit of warning, and still, others only want pictures taken when they’ve given permission.
Also, I love my husband dearly and have been with him for a total of 18 years, but I would be kinda creeped out by a photo album based on your description. Why would I want pictures of mostly myself? I could understand if it was a few of the photos that were mixed in with mostly family/couple pictures, but not one where I’d be the primary focus.
The locket I think was adorable and would have been the perfect gift all on its own since it has a photo of the two of you (so she presumably was aware it was being taken).” otomekaidii
3. AITJ For Criticizing My Friend's Style?
“I was telling my friends about how I wanted to try out the Scene kid style (consists of skinny jeans, bright colored clothing, a signature hairstyle consisting of straight, flat hair with long fringes covering their forehead, and bright colored hair dye). I have always been in love with it since I was a kid and I really wanted to express my love for it.
My friend who we’ll call ‘H’ isn’t too fond of any alternative cultures or styles and has problems with accepting people with differences. He immediately took a negative route and told me I would look too ’emo’. I obviously didn’t care and joked around saying ‘I will be Rawr XDing whether you like it or not’ to which he responded with something along the lines of ‘and that’s when I draw the line’.
I immediately took offense to it and told him not to criticize a style since he didn’t have a great style either. He began arguing with me telling me I knew nothing about what his style was. He dresses basic, with no style, it’s just normally what you’d see someone wearing on the street. This is not a problem considering I live in a small town and it’s all basic people, it just made me upset that he would talk about other styles when he couldn’t dress to impress for the life of him.
So, with that said, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You were talking about your potential style and not something you have already. He wasn’t very sensitive about something you like, but then you insulted his style and called him basic. That makes you the jerk. He didn’t insult YOUR style, you don’t have it yet. And if you take on that style better get used to negative comments that come with this style.” Remote-Equipment-340
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
He shouldn’t have been rude about something you like.
That being said, you took it a level beyond him when it came to your attacks. Someone else being mean doesn’t give you the free pass to be mean, too.
The truth of the matter is that if you choose to dress alternatively, you need to have thicker skin.
Plenty of people with varying degrees of involvement in your life will make comments when you least expect it. Going out of your way to react to every comment does nothing but burn your energy and prove them right.” SpookyArmadillo
Another User Comments:
“You sound very young. I don’t think anyone is the jerk here if I’m completely honest but if you’re going to go for a style like that, you better get used to the judgment.
This is coming from an ex-scene kid, people will judge you and make remarks so you better get used to it or get a thicker skin.” paragontrigger
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, your friend should have been more supportive and you decided to be unnecessarily mean in retaliation. Dress how you want, don’t make other people feel bad for dressing how they want. Both of you owe each other an apology.” NoForkRaymond
2. AITJ For Telling On My Dishonest Classmate?
“I (21F) am in a university language class. As part of the class, we need to memorize dialogues every month and then recite them to the whole class and the teacher. We are graded on our memorization, accuracy, pronunciation, and tone. It is easily the most stressful part of the course.
One of my classmates (20M, we’ll call him SP) did not buy a physical textbook and instead got the online one.
Whenever it was time for the dialogue, our professor told us to put away our textbooks (which have the whole dialogue script) and put our notes away. SP would do that, but keep his laptop open. I sat next to him, and I saw that he would have the dialogue script right in front of him and he’d read from the textbook instead of being memorized like the rest of us.
He didn’t get caught initially because his pronunciation is so awful that it doesn’t really sound like he’s doing something fishy.
I kind of got annoyed by it and asked the person who sits on the other side of him if she’d seen the same thing. She said yes and that it really bothered her and it didn’t seem fair.
I ended up telling my professor that she ‘might want to see what’s on computer screens during the next dialogue’ or something like that. On the last dialogue presentation, she walked behind SP and saw the open textbook, and gave him a zero. She also got our honor board involved because it was an honor code violation, and he’s going to fail the class and he’s facing even more serious repercussions because of this.
I really didn’t expect everything to go as sideways for him as it did, and now I’m feeling like I ruined his life over something really petty. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I may have felt a bit sorry for the student if it was a one-off thing, but a regular occurrence. In this case, it raises the question of whether that’s the case for their other courses.
University is hard work and to perform well takes dedication. There’s also integrity. To be honest, OP, I think the fact that your university is taking it so seriously is a sign of its integrity and reputation, something to be proud of.
As an academic, I can tell you that one of the reasons why we do take this so seriously is because of fairness.” babkaboss
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna be the odd one out and say a soft YTJ.
I’m mainly failing to see how his dishonesty directly affected you besides it being ‘unfair’. He wasn’t copying off of you or the other classmate. I understand dishonesty isn’t the best solution, but he found a workaround. I would say he’s responsible for his actions if he had gotten caught randomly by the professor, but you went out of your way to turn him in.” BuddyPsychological72
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
On the one hand, no. You’re in college, paying for a class, and he’s gaining an unfair advantage. The terms of the assignment are set.
That said, in my honest opinion, those terms are utter nonsense. What is it with teachers/professors concentrating so much on flat-out memorizing something? I get that when you do something over and over, day in/day out, you’ll likely memorize it in some way by happenstance.
But memorizing IS NOT LEARNING. They need to be teaching concepts. How you use the information, not testing you on whether or not you can memorize some arbitrary information.” inn0cent-bystander
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Before y’all jump down my throat about ‘he shouldn’t be dishonest!’ yeah I know. The fact of the matter is that his academic dishonesty had nothing to do with OP.
He was doing no harm to anyone but himself.
You’re in that class to learn for your own benefit and no other reason. Your job here is to understand the material. What other people are doing in class is none of your business unless it hurts your personal ability to learn. When he makes the decision to be dishonest, he is just wasting his own time and finances on a class he doesn’t value.
I’d care if the class was on a curve and his dishonesty hurt my grade, but you already said he wasn’t making the highest marks and can barely pronounce the words.
You feel guilty because you inserted yourself into a situation that had nothing to do with you and then your actions caused more grief for your classmate than you think they should have. You also don’t know WHY he was being dishonest, so you activated a punitive system before anyone reached out to him to see if he’s struggling or needs further classroom support or even if it’s just a gen-ed he just doesn’t care about.
Tattle more judiciously and do it for better reasons.” faithofthewalkers
1. AITJ For Wearing The Dress I Stole From My Mother-In-Law?
“My MIL has been really awful in the past (my husband supports me and I’m aware no contact is an option but it wasn’t what worked best for us). She is a little better now, but she likes to get a rise out of me and I’ve had to learn how to not react. She has even admitted she does it for fun and I’m not the only person she does it to but think high school mean-girl antics.
I had a lot of reasons to believe that MIL would do something to upstage me at my wedding. That is very much her modus operandi, and at the time I hadn’t learned to ignore her. I was very stressed and already feeling insecure as a bride and MIL’s MIL told me she would handle it and to just not worry.
MIL showed up in a sparkly white dress. It was brighter than mine and her MIL did take care of it for me with a travel mug of coffee (sitting out for hours NOT hot) and a chocolate cupcake to the butt. MIL’s MIL also had a couple of MIL’s dresses in the other room, so she could change.
MIL took the white dress off and tossed it in the trash.
My friend pointed out the label on the dress and couldn’t believe MIL just tossed it because it was such an expensive brand. I took it out of the trash and held onto it just to see if it could be salvaged and I took it to a great cleaner.
My feeling is she put it in the trash and it is a nice dress.
MIL always has a party on NYE and I decided to wear it, because I don’t have a ton of dresses I like, and to be honest I didn’t think she would notice. She did notice and demanded to know if I stole her dress.
I said she put it in the trash. MIL got mad and said that her husband didn’t buy that dress so I could wear it, and I’m sneaky for taking it out of the trash. MIL’s husband actually said I was in the clear because she did throw it away. MIL got over it quickly enough, but I did hear her telling someone that I did that to annoy her.
My husband was also slightly embarrassed that his mom and stepdad know I wore something out of the trash, and said it is fine that I took it but I shouldn’t have worn it to her party.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – not because she put it in the trash or because you, ‘thought she wouldn’t remember,’ but because women like that need to know who they’re messing with.
Your GMIL won’t always be around to keep your MIL from ruining special events and she needs to know you aren’t just going to sit there smiling through the tears. So, yeah, take her trash and make it your treasure.” MamaofTwinDragons
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Super petty. I’m glad I’m not your husband in the middle of this.
She started an issue at your wedding, but you continued it and you didn’t care what strain or stress it caused other family members, notably your husband.
You could have worn the dress another time OR dyed it at the cleaners (since it’s white) or hem it differently if you HAD to wear it…
Personally, I would have thought ‘score’ with the free dress (tossing clothes like that is wasteful) and kept it as a nice little secret to bring a smile to my face when MIL tries her worst.” Issyswe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your MIL is, as I’m sure comes as no surprise to you, completely full of herself.
Sounds like she thinks everything in life revolves around her, despite the fact that most everyone else around her seems level-headed. Her husband and his mother anyway seem to be fully aware of her nonsense, so I wouldn’t sweat it.
Who cares if the dress came out of the garbage? It’s not like you went dumpster diving for it.
You know it was only worn once and what it was stained with, and of course, you had it professionally cleaned (I’m assuming it had to be to remove hot chocolate and chocolate cupcake.)” Korrin
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Yeah, what she did was a jerk move, but you’re just painting a target on your back for retaliation and I’m not entirely sure you don’t deserve it. Engaging in the ‘prank’ war is the worst way to handle a situation like this. About the only thing you did right was rescuing the dress from the trash and honestly, you should have cleaned it up and sold it on Poshmark or something just to remove the temptation to do exactly this.” calliatom
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