People Ask Us To Express Our Thoughts About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

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We go through so much just to establish a good reputation, but all these efforts suddenly go down the drain just because of that one single action that other people misinterpret as offensive or "jerkish". It's bothering to think that people who surround us think that we're unkind and hateful just because we had to defend ourselves or stand our ground once. Well, here are some stories from people who want the chance to explain why they're not the jerks people think they are. Read on and let us know who you think the real jerk is. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

19. AITJ For Refusing To Let A Kid Ride My Horse Because She Was Too Big?

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“I (26f) work in a yard with horses and mostly give lessons to either adults or those with experience, I do not teach kids. I also have my own horse stabled there who is also a competition horse. The yard gives lessons to people, however in order to book a lesson they either need to call or message us or fill in the form on our website with the information about themselves, such as age, experience, height, and weight so we can make sure they are riding a suitable horse.

We also accept walk-ins, they have to speak to the receptionist to see if we have any instructors and horses available. Normally we prefer people booking in person through the receptionist as it gives more accurate information about what the person is or what their abilities are. We had instances where people lied about their riding experience or height/weight and as a result, they were put on an unsuitable horse/pony.

The most recent one was for a lady with experience in riding but she ended up booking for her kid, who never sat on a horse before and didn’t tell us. So the horse that was ready for the lesson was way too difficult for the child and not suitable.

So to the actual event. I was finishing riding my horse earlier today, who is fairly small for his breed and is a stallion.

As some mares (female horses) are getting in season, he has a bit of reaction to them. It’s also worth noting that I’m fairly short (154 cm) and sometimes people confuse me with a teenager. And due to me and my horse being short and comfortable I have invested in some good quality equipment, including a saddle that fits me and him. To put it bluntly anyone over a certain height and weight will feel really cramped and not comfortable in it as it will feel very tight.

As I was finishing a woman with a child approaches me. She asks if her daughter can ride my horse and have a lesson on him. Her daughter is about 12-14 yo, taller and bigger than me. Plus my horse is a private horse and a stallion, so I say no. I tell her she can book through the receptionist and the receptionist lady can check if we have horses suitable for her daughter.

The lady doesn’t like it, she said she has booked my horse. I tell her again it’s impossible as the horse is a private horse, and her daughter can not ride him. She then says she knows the owner and the owner said it is OK to ride him. I’m getting fed up with this and my horse is getting impatient, so I tell her I am the owner of the horse and her daughter will not be riding him as she is too big for him and the tack and doesn’t have enough experience.

The lady starts swearing and calling me names. I’m just trying to leave at this point until one of the other instructors Katie comes to my rescue. The lady tries to rant about me to the other instructor, but Katie repeats what I said about the strict weight/height and experience policy. The woman called me and Katie jerks and left, she later left a bad review.

AITJ?

Edit: Just as many have pointed out, by saying too big I do not mean fat or obese. The girl was a normal teenager size if it’s possible to put it this way. My instructor’s daughter is doing speed skating, she is about 160 cm but still considered ‘too big’ for some of the horses not because she has extra weight (she doesn’t) but simply due to where her muscles have grown/developed meaning it won’t be comfortable or safe for her to ride some horses due to the size of their tack.

She understands it. Just because a horse has a saddle it doesn’t mean everyone can sit or fit in it, as they are made according to the horse’s size. Same as you wouldn’t wear or buy shoes that are a size or 2 smaller or considerably larger than your feet.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s not body-shaming to tell someone they’re too big to ride a particular horse since 1.

it can cause the horse to develop serious back problems and 2. you just said the kid was too big, not too fat, and mentioned that height was equally a concern. You were also looking out for the kid’s safety—I wouldn’t put a child on a horse that was too small either, let alone a stallion. All of this plus the fact that it’s your private horse makes this mom 100% the jerk and I would let the barn owner know about this incident if you haven’t already.

Most of the people saying OP is in the wrong don’t seem to understand that entitled parents who have already shown that they’re willing to lie and break the rules to get what their kid wants are liable to just let their kid ride the horse without permission when the owner isn’t there. I’ve seen it happen. OP was not wrong to mention that the kid was too big to ride the horse as it’s a legitimate safety issue for both horse and child and at that point, she was correct to be concerned that they would ignore her saying no under the assumption that she was just being ‘stingy’ with her horse.

It’s entirely the mom’s fault for refusing to take no for an answer until OP was forced to explain why it’s a safety issue, even if it’s a potentially sensitive thing for a 14-year-old girl to hear.” Long-Jeweler-5845

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, although the kid’s size is irrelevant here and it was a mistake to offer further explanations. Your horse is privately owned, is not a lesson horse, and is a stallion.

He’s not going to be used in lessons and the potential liability to the barn would be huge.

Plus, of course, the fact that a horse like the one you describe is probably a highly schooled ride, so your average beginner is going to feel like a student pilot trying to fly a fighter plane and there’s probably going to be a wreck. Lesson horses put up with a lot of awkwardness that a more sensitive horse won’t.

The parent and child sound like the kind of students your barn is better off without. I do hope the barn owner replied to the review with a comment like, ‘We’re sorry you were unhappy with your experience here, but lessons are only given on the school’s lesson horses, not on boarders’ privately owned show horses.'” BarracudaGullible

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – it is a safety issue. No different than height restrictions on rollercoasters and rides.

If you are too big or not big enough, you don’t go on because there is a serious risk of injury. That is it, it has nothing to do with weight/body shaming or any of the other ridiculous comments that I’m reading. She was not the right size for her to ride the horse safely. The end.

I tell you something if OP had given in and let her ride him and she was bucked off and harmed, the mother would sue and everyone on here would be jumping down her throat for knowingly letting her ride a horse she shouldn’t have.” Natural_Writer9702

8 points (8 votes)
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TJHall44 2 weeks ago
Plus the lady lied about knowing the owner & was being a karen. Fuck her, never reward a liar.
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18. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit My Cousin's Children?

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“I (24F) live in a small town and am very close to my extended family and often am the go-to last-minute babysitter for some of my older cousin’s kids since I am not married and have 5 siblings myself, so I had to be a parent to my siblings at a very young age. My cousin (31M) and cousin-in-law (31F) recently had their SIXTH, yes 6th, child in 8 years, and my cousin-in-law recently left her job as a nurse to stay at home with her babies full time (also she refused to get shots when it was required at her job, but I digress…).

Their children range from ages 8 to 8 months, with four older boys (8,6,4,3 years old) and two girls (1 and 8 months).

My cousin recently asked me if I could babysit their 6 children for 4 days straight while my cousin-in-law is a bridesmaid at a college friend’s wedding out of state. And their regular babysitter would also be unavailable during that time frame. That’s 96 hours with 6 kids.

Unfortunately, I don’t have anyone to call to possibly team up with me to help wrangle up all of these children. If I did I probably would have given a slightly hesitant yes.

Additionally, I do work remotely for my job as a call representative, but my hours generally go later in the evenings, so it wouldn’t be an ideal schedule for picking up children from school and putting kids to bed.

Plus I need to have a quiet space during work hours which wouldn’t be ideal for the 3 younger children who’d supposedly be with me while I work. Also, it’d be too late for me to request those 2 work days off and frankly I can’t afford to lose the PTO this early in the year. These are all my justifiable reasoning for saying no to their request, but frankly, the main reason for turning them down is I’m honestly TERRIFIED.

That’s a lot of children at such different ages while still being so young. I give major props to my cousin-in-law for being able to keep these kids alive every single day because I think I’m honestly just too young and inexperienced to go from 0 to 6 children. I honestly feel terrible saying no because I do wish for my cousins to be able to get away for a few days and just enjoy the wedding with their friends.

However, word got around to my other family members that I said no to my cousin because of my job. Of course, that story was skewed in a way to make it sound like I am ‘making an excuse to get out of it.’ Maybe I am. But should I really be guilted into taking care of the 6 children my cousins chose to have just because I’m the lone single, childless member of my family and not attending this wedding? I’m getting far too wrapped in my family’s viewpoint so I just needed to come here and ask AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“You’re never responsible for taking care of children you didn’t create.

While that can make you a jerk in some circumstances (for instance, letting niblings you can afford to care for go into foster care when someone dies), it’s still not technically your responsibility.

In this case, that’s not what’s happening. You’re ill-equipped to care for anyone on your schedule or lifestyle, let alone six young children for 96 straight hours. If your cousin wants to go to the wedding, she can wrangle her own children, pay an experienced sitter, or split them among family/friends who aren’t attending.

Otherwise, it looks like she’s staying home.

And yet, you’re still NTJ, because guess what? It’s not your responsibility! Enjoy your child-free weekend in peace.”ElysGirl

Another User Comments:

“They have one regular babysitter and no backups in case the first one can’t or emergencies? Or do they think of you as a backup, cause it sounds like it?

Did they even offer to pay?

When you decide to have 6 kids within 8 years, you have to realize that you can’t expect people to drop everything to watch your 6 kids for 4 days while you party it up at a wedding.

It’s called finding another paid sitter or the husband stays home (since this is the wife’s thing). Honestly, if I had 6 kids in 8 years I wouldn’t be doing any out-of-town trips, let alone without my kids.

80% of the time my husband and I take turns going out or we stay home, and we have one kid. Only seeking a sitter for a few hours to celebrate a friend’s birthday or wedding, not for 4 days.

NTJ.” McflyThrowaway01

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s not your responsibility to watch their children and even if you didn’t have everything going on that you listed, you still wouldn’t be a jerk for saying no. I would remind them that you don’t feel like you could safely watch all of the kids for that long of a period. Any responsible parent would want their children with someone who could safely watch all of their kids at once. The people judging you should be the ones stepping up.” External-Judgment-77

5 points (7 votes)
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lasm1 2 weeks ago
NTJ
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17. AITJ For Asking For Additional Monthly Support From My Ex?

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“My ex (F37) and I (M44) have a son (M9). I have full custody of our child and his mom is supposed to make regular visits to him. As a condition of that, I kept her child support at a cool $350.00 a month. So here is the issue between March and October her work is in the ‘busy time’ where she claims to work in excess of 12-hour days.

So she would visit much less (sometimes going weeks between visits), and even not call on some nights.

So I asked if she could kick down an additional 100-150.00 dollars a month during this time since my wife and I do spend a lot on our son (he has special needs and thus some things get pricey) and she flipped out saying that just because she was working more hours I shouldn’t ask for more money.

That I was being greedy and this extra money is so she can go out and do other things. I could take her to court over it but that is a lot of time and effort plus she would probably pay a lot more and well, I don’t want our child to become something she considers a burden. She almost never sees him during her busy time and uses this to justify it.

So AITJ for asking for a little monetary bump during her busy time, since she does not see him as much and that all falls on me and my wife?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – But if having to pay a reasonable amount of child support is going to make her think of her child as a burden, then she likely already feels that way. It is nice of you to want to keep the amount low, but advocating for your child should be your priority.

If she can pay more (determined by the court) and that money would improve your child’s quality of life, then you owe it to your kid to go back to court and have the child support amount reset.” Forward_Squirrel8879

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. You need to get a firm custody and payment agreement through the courts and she needs to step up and be a mother.

It’s your job to advocate for your son, and if he needs more financial support than she’s providing, you need to go get it.” emmacalgary

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, the mother is changing the quality of life for the child by changing the rotation that she has him. Children are expensive and you carry the cost when the child is with you more. And she carried less of a burden financially when she has the child less. 350 a month is very inexpensive I would go back to court to get it in writing” spazalicious32

4 points (6 votes)
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BigGrandma 2 weeks ago
Her extra money is so she can go do things herself...... but doesn't have time to visit her child?????
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16. AITJ For Telling My In-Laws They Couldn't Visit?

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“I (f39) have been working nearly full time and studying at night lately. This hasn’t left me much time for socializing, unfortunately. My next exam is on Wednesday.

A week ago my sister, Ellie, asked if my husband Joey and I would come to my BIL’s 48th birthday party this weekend. We accepted.

Joey mentioned that his sister, Wendy, had told him she’d drop by on Sunday to look at some boxes of their family’s old photos.

I was fine with this since I pictured I’d just serve her coffee and let Joey and her look at photos.

Well, yesterday, around dinner time, Joey and I were getting ready for the party. That’s when he got a series of phone calls from Wendy.

Basically, 1. She’d arrive at 09.00 am. 2. She’d bring her baby. 3. Her husband would come to look after the baby.

4. Their toddler only had a babysitter until 01.00 pm, and then he’d come as well.

At that point, I got stressed and said no, call them off Joey. I’m not shopping and cleaning on a Saturday night for a full family visit, or cutting our time off at the party for this.

Anyway, that’s when Wendy offered what she called a ‘compromise.’ They’d arrive at lunchtime and only stay half the day.

That’s where I’m worried I might have been the jerk. I said she and the baby were welcome, but I wanted to stay up late for the party and had plans to study on Sunday. That wouldn’t work if they all came. (Frankly, I love them, but they are a bit of a circus these days.)

In the end, only my SIL came on Sunday morning. Her husband quickly dropped her off and commented on knowing where he wasn’t welcome when I asked him in for coffee.

He seemed mad.

My SIL acted quite reserved. She asked some rather pointed questions, like why the party was so important if it wasn’t a special anniversary.

It’s obvious feathers were ruffled, and my excuses weren’t accepted. Nobody called me a jerk, but they wouldn’t – they’re quite religious.

Was I the jerk for telling my in-laws they couldn’t all visit, even though we were at home?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

If you have to study, study. But if you have time for parties then you don’t have to study. You could have been more gracious and let your husband entertain his family while you stayed in your room to study. Or skip the party if studying was so crucial. Instead, you made everyone upset and unwelcome.” Maddie215

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but let me point out that if you (who works and studies) wouldn’t serve, cook, and clean for your in-laws, then your husband would have figured out he wouldn’t have time to do it and told that to his family and you wouldn’t even be in this drama at all.

It looks like you’re not only the cook and the cleaner but also the emotional navigator of the relationships with his family. You need to take a GIANT step back. Let him talk with his family and host them and clean for them and serve them coffee and resolve their drama (that they probably won’t even have with their son). No excuses, no apologies. You are not his maid and family secretary.” KittiesLove1

Another User Comments:

“YTJ…

If your time is limited then you should have said it upfront… I only have an hour… or 2 hours so come over at 1 and then I have something else I’m doing at 3:30. That way anyone can come over… you entertain for your limited time and then they leave. Instead, you allowed them to open up the door to an all-day thing. You didn’t control the situation at all.

They don’t need to know what you are doing. You’re busy and that’s all that needs to be said. Instead, everyone is angry and you are left worrying about future interactions. Call them up, explain what happened, say you’re sorry and hopefully it’ll be over.” No_Meringue_9031

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. A family visit with kids comes with different expectations on you and your time than that of one family member coming to look at photos. You had existing plans and obligations that would have been uprooted by such an impromptu visit. When you have kids, planning on including them in activities involves being upfront with the people you are imposing on. My son is 12 and pretty low-key, but I’d still ask if it was ok for him to come along. That’s good manners.” Azura13

4 points (4 votes)
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TJHall44 2 weeks ago
NTA it's your home. You get to decide who can come visit & under what terms.
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15. AITJ For Having My 9-Year-Old Clean His Soiled Clothes?

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“My son is 9. He has no medical problems. Lately, he has been refusing to use the bathroom when he has the urge, opting instead to continue playing and try to hold it in. In the past week, he has soiled no less than 4 pairs of briefs. Every single pair he has used has been soiled with large streaks of feces.

The first couple of times he did this were at his mom’s house.

Her response was to explain to him the importance of wiping properly, but she cleaned his clothes herself. The third soiled pair happened on Thursday when I picked him up. The fourth soiled pair happened on Saturday. I sat down with him and asked him if it was his, and he spent 20 minutes lying to me telling me that he didn’t do it, it was not his, etc.

When I finally proved to him that it MUST have been him, he admitted it and said he lied because he was embarrassed. All understandable—I had this very same problem when I was a couple of years younger than he was. After all of this, I explained the importance of letting me know when these accidents happen, and the importance of being honest with me, and I made sure to mention that I’m not upset with him for having an accident, just for lying about it.

He seemed to understand. After all of this, I calmly told him that the next time this happens, I’m going to have him clean up his own mess.

The very next day, it happened again. I found soiled clothes in his laundry basket. I sat with him again and asked all the same questions, and he went through the whole process of lying to me again for 15+ minutes, denying any kind of responsibility for it.

I eventually got to the point again where he had to admit it was his. I was very thorough, I explained that I’m not upset with him about the accident, just that he lied to me repeatedly. I then had him clean the clothes himself, clear out the feces, rinse them, then wash his hands.

When I brought this up to his mother, she was LIVID. She went on to explain how I’m traumatizing him, that he’ll never recover from this and I am shaming him.

She called him and told him to not let me do this and that she’ll tell me I’m not allowed to do this. After the call, she messaged me saying ‘Don’t you EVER do this to him again.’

So am I the jerk? I have always had him take care of his own messes. He put a hole in the wall, I had him help me fix it.

He soils his own briefs, I show him how to clean them, so he doesn’t have to go through this whole process of admitting it next time—he can just take care of it himself, and save himself the embarrassment.

I explained that he had no reason to be ashamed other than lying. That accidents happen and while he’s not going to be punished for them, he still needs to take accountability for it.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

He’s 9. If he hasn’t had an issue going to the toilet before then something has changed. It could simply be that he’s choosing to continue playing because whatever he has is more exciting, however, it could be he has developed a new medical problem that you aren’t yet aware of, it could be that he is feeling out of control and as a way to reduce those feelings he’s attempting to control his own body (as in how sometimes when people experience anxiety they start over or under eating because that’s something they can control).

I can understand trying to talk to him first but why would you let him lie to you for 20 minutes before then proving him wrong. By letting it go on for so long, in reality, you probably made him feel a whole lot worse than if you just said ‘you’ve soiled your clothes again and now I’m concerned. Would you like to tell me what’s going on?’ And ending it with if it happens again we’ll need to visit the doctor.

Then when the situation came about again the next option would be to get him evaluated by a doctor to make sure there was nothing medical (physically and/or mentally) going on.

If after being checked over and being given a clean bill and he’s still doing it, then I don’t see anything wrong with teaching him how to clean up after himself. But you skipped some vital steps.” Caryria

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, they actually make children with disabilities do this to teach them if you don’t like cleaning the mess then don’t make the mess kind of mentality.

I understand not wiping properly but crapping your pants at 9 because you are too lazy and not ill is not ok and although it could be something else, you’re trying to save him the humiliation of his friends finding out. His mom means well but is enabling his behavior.” Formal-Ebb5370

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for not taking your kid to the doctor before assuming he was right that it wasn’t medical (despite clearly being humiliated and ashamed and also probably confused).

Nine-year-olds don’t always understand what is going on in their bodies or say when under duress which is why you should bring him to the doctor.” sillysnakessssssss

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You’re a great, very responsible dad. She is setting up a situation where he doesn’t have to be accountable for his actions, and although this one will pass, there will be others. Taking the child through this with unconditional love and no shaming is the best way to go. Also, a mother and father I know who had a similar problem, set the alarm for their child and she had to go to the toilet at reasonable and regular times. She just didn’t want to stop playing and settled on holding it as a strategy.” AffectionateMine2220

3 points (3 votes)
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SamW 2 weeks ago
As mentioned above, this is a common problem with children who have been sexually abused. Take your son to a doctor and a psychologist. The doctor is extremely important to check to see if your son has developed a medical condition, and a psychologist could uncover possible abuse.
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14. AITJ For Refusing To Tell My Ex Or My Family Where My Son Is?

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“My son is 3, while I was pregnant my ex made it clear he wanted no involvement in his life and we got divorced over it. I moved away shortly after because nobody was supportive and I felt like my family resented my son and blamed him for my failed marriage.

My ex is on the birth certificate and he does contribute financially but he’s never wanted to see our son.

After our son was born, his lawyer contacted me to arrange the finances. He told me my ex would prefer if I stayed where I was (i.e. far away from him) and that I or my son don’t cause any disturbance in his life. If I needed anything, I was supposed to contact his lawyer who would handle it. The one time we ended up in the same place he wouldn’t even look at our son.

So, this whole situation came as a surprise to me.

My brother contacted me after years of no contact to tell me our dad was ill and in the hospital. He said he wanted to see me and made it seem like he didn’t have much time to live. I don’t know why but I had a bad feeling so while I did go, I asked an old friend who lived nearby to watch my son while I went to see my dad.

My dad was sick but it wasn’t nearly as bad as my brother made it seem.

I visited 3 times, and each time I left my son with my friend. On the second visit, my parents asked me to bring my son with me the next time because they wanted to meet him. I never took him with me because I just didn’t feel right and I’m glad I didn’t because my ex was there.

We ended up having a fight because he wanted his son and was angry I hadn’t brought him with me. He wanted me to tell him where my son was and got angrier when I wouldn’t. My family sided with him and they all tried to convince me to tell him because, as the father, they felt he deserved to know.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ in this situation, (though I hope you said ‘he’s at home with a trusted caregiver, and not a romantic partner’ rather than ‘I’m not going to tell you – screw you.’) but it’s time to see a lawyer.

The standard to be applied here isn’t what’s in your best interest, but what’s in the best interest of the child. Maybe your ex’s espoused abandonment of the child (except for financial responsibility) means that it’s in the best interest of your child not to have contact with him. But maybe not, especially if he can demonstrate that he’s grown up, handled whatever issues he’s had, etc.

Especially since parental rights weren’t terminated, he might have a claim to visitation. (And since courts will often believe that having two parents in a child’s life is better than just one, they might order it, too.) Your refusal to tell your ex where his son is could be interpreted by a court as some attempt to illegally hide him. The federal Parental Kidnapping Prevention Act might come into play.

I’m not offering any opinion on the issue, nor offering any future advice. But if dad’s on the birth certificate, and dad’s been paying child support, and dad suddenly wants to see his kid, you’ll need a family lawyer to help you navigate your options.” Perdendosi

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

I think you should stop visiting. Your ex clearly has conflicted feelings or at least control issues, and I think it is better to make yourself scarce so you don’t have to keep dealing with him.

It also seems like seeing you makes him want to see his child and after how he handled having a kid in the first place and having been absent for 3 years, I can’t imagine he would add a lot of value to your life, or your son’s, only more drama.

Tell your family that you tried to mend things by coming when your dad was ill, but they brought your ex around and are all trying to get to your son, who they didn’t want around in the first place.

This is the same family that was fine running you off 3 years ago and never gave a crap about your son until now.

I think it is best for you and your son to continue to be no contact with these people and move on with your life.” mfruitfly

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Look up if you are in a state where you are legally allowed to record a conversation with only one party aware that it is being recorded.

Maybe talk to a lawyer to double-check.

If you are able to swing it, record a conversation with him, explaining that his lawyer, who you assumed was speaking for him, told you that he wanted nothing to do with you or your son. Explain every aspect of the agreement that you were aware of, and that your understanding was that there was a verbal contract in place.

At the end of the conversation, let him know that you were comfortable with the arrangement, and doing your best to keep to the letter of the agreement. Ask if he wanted to change the agreement, hear him out, and tell him that you will consider the option.

Then end the conversation, walk out, tell the device that you have no intention to introduce your son to a father who had no desire to see him up to this point, and end the recording.

Then, just in case, upload the recording and send it to a few of your friends via email, so that there are multiple copies. Make sure to include the date of the recording in the email.

Your family is being emotionally manipulated by your ex, and they possibly want you to ‘get back’ with him. He wasn’t there when you needed him, there’s no reason for him to be there, now.” Bokkermans

3 points (3 votes)
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kipa 2 weeks ago
Ntj - he specifically requested no contact. Tell him to contact his lawyer.
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13. AITJ For Buying A House For My Parents Then Deciding To Live In It Myself?

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“In 2020 my parents risked getting evicted from their rental (Maryland) when they lost their jobs. So I bought a house under my name where they get to save about $600 a month and don’t run the risk of being kicked out. However, the house turned out to be too small to meet their needs. Mom runs a couple of businesses and my stepdad is spending $ on storage units to store his crap.

I can’t help but feel guilty for having inadvertently ‘trapped’ them into a good deal.

I technically work/live in California, but my job is letting me be remote until July. I fully intended to go back to California when the office reopens.

So I offered to go house shopping for the following reasons:

  • Resolving their space/needs problem
  • Investing in more real estate
  • Having a home for me for whenever I return from California ‘in the future’

During house hunting, the market shifted and became more competitive, expensive, and risky.

We searched for months not finding anything within budget. Until I saw this fixer-upper that I fell in love with. It met ALL my needs for a future home, but only some of their space needs which was the whole reason for looking in the first place. I told myself I would fix it up, get the DIY experience/bug taken care of, they could live in it for a few years then I would come back home and move in.

However, it’s month 6 of renovation, I’m 50k in, I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted and invested in this, I am in debt, my California lease is too expensive for me, I don’t think going back to CA is sustainable anymore and am looking for a job so that I can stay in Maryland. If I stay, I’d be saving $400/month in housing.

When I told my mom I want to move in myself, she did not take it lightly.

Although she didn’t love the house, it was still a better house than the first one. She said she was shocked that I flipped so quickly, and said I was not honest with my intentions. She is now more unhappy with their small home and feels even more trapped than before. Since I am in financial trouble I can’t even begin to think of a third house, and the original issue remains unsolved.

At the same time, this is my investment. No one is giving me a dime to do this, and no one is helping me with the labor either. I feel that I am entitled to this home, but can’t help but feel guilty for leading my parents on for months and then pulling the rug from under them out of nowhere.

Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

You have two houses and you’re letting your parents live in one – that’s incredibly generous. Your parents have had the opportunity to invest ‘sweat equity’ into helping you restore the house that they were hoping to live in but it sounds like they haven’t done it. Had they put a bunch of effort into remodeling it might be a little different, but I can’t see how they have any claim on a house they have never actually lived in.” RainbowCrane

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Plans change. They should be thanking their lucky stars you saved their butts with the first house instead of acting entitled. They still have a place to stay. If it’s not sufficient they can leave and pay more for their own home.” talkinlikeateen

3 points (3 votes)
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TJHall44 2 weeks ago
NTA they can go buy their own damn house
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12. AITJ For Not Answering The Door For A Package That Needed To Be Signed For?

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“FedEx came today with my partner’s (34M) new phone. Neither of us was aware it was being delivered today. Therefore I (29F) did not know to be prepared to meet the delivery person. When they came, I was also on a work call, I also thought our roommate was home (she had come home, but apparently left again), so I made no effort to go to the door.

My partner came home and immediately started complaining about me not answering the door. I explained what happened and moved on with my life. Apparently, I upset him by not apologizing and not taking it seriously. He kept complaining about it and I ignored him. He finally told me that it irritates him that I’m brushing it off. I just said I don’t understand what you want.

It happened and complaining about it is completely unproductive. What do you want, me to apologize a million times? Apparently, my not apologizing at all is very upsetting. Now he’s not talking to me.

I feel like this is so very very dumb. AITJ?

UPDATE: I apologized, but I also explained that I did not initially apologize because when someone immediately starts to berate me for something uncontrollable, that’s not the reaction you’re going to get back.

I also pointed out that this is an ongoing issue, clinging to any fault or accident to berate me for. Beyond that, complaining and making someone feel bad for a mistake is unproductive. He didn’t like the convo, but I think he’s over it now.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your partner is acting like a child. We all hate to miss packages but it’s clearly not your fault.

You explained so. It’s not something that requires an apology. If anything, he owes the apology for blaming you for it.” Left-Car6520

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. Can’t he just go pick it up at the FedEx office or something?

Like, sure, apologizing once would be nice like ‘oh yeah babe sorry I didn’t realize’, but don’t make it a huge thing (like he’s doing).

I would say that you should apologize just to calm him down some since he wants one and it’ll help smooth things over but that (other than apparently being a jerk about not wanting to apologize) you didn’t do anything wrong at the moment.” spocksbeanies

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Without advanced notice, I’m not answering the door while I’m on a work call. I have a very cool boss so I can tell him ‘hey this delivery is coming so if I don’t answer or have to hang up quickly, that’s why.’

But it’s not a bad skill to be able to have some empathy to be able to say: dang! Sorry, babe! I know you were looking forward to your new phone.

But I also think he’s being rather dramatic, nay, immature about it.” oldladymillenial

3 points (3 votes)
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rbleah 2 weeks ago
NTJ You were working. End of discussion
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11. AITJ For Making A Wheelchair-User Wait For The Handicapped Stall?

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“I’m a first-time mom to a 6-month-old and am the first person in my friend group or family (older adoptee) to have a baby.

While out with my mom and a close friend, I had an incident with my baby where she unexpectedly got sick and had a major blowout from both ends on us. I rushed us into the bathroom.

Unfortunately, the baby changing station in that restaurant was inside the handicapped stall, where there was also a sink.

I got to work getting the table ready and cleaning us both up, but it was obviously going to take a while.

I changed the baby. Even though I had spare clothes, I needed to at least rinse off our clothes before putting them in the bag and walking around in public with them. While I was still not dressed, I could hear talking and then shouting outside the stall.

A wheelchair user was demanding to have access to the stall. I asked her to please wait and understand that this was the only place I was allowed to deal with my child and I was having an emergency, which turned into an entire screaming session and multiple people knocking on the door. I finished up because I couldn’t just walk out of there with no clothes on, and by the time I did, the woman was gone and I was just faced with my mother and friend.

They’re now angry with me because they think I humiliated that woman and them, and never had the right to be in that stall even though the station was there and I had a child emergency. I don’t agree. I don’t think they understand what it’s like to have to deal with a situation like that, and I don’t think that stall is even just the handicapped stall anymore.

Once you put the diaper changing station in there, it becomes the family stall as well. Also, did they expect me to walk out of there without clothes and somehow clear out everything that had to be out while I was cleaning up instantly? AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you needed the stall and are entitled to use it as much as the next person. The real problem is designers putting baby change areas within accessible toilets, which we often have to do as there is no space elsewhere (or the building owner isn’t willing to create a dedicated space elsewhere).

Disability focus groups have raised that the combo is less than ideal as it does occupy what is often the only facility they can use. Plus, it can be a bit messy and unpleasant after the baby change facilities are used.

However, these issues shouldn’t be taken out against a parent who needs to use the changing table! What else were you meant to do? I’m sure other patrons would be just as offended if you continued walking around with baby puke/poop all over you and you couldn’t exactly leave your poor child in that mess!” LittleLordBirthday

Another User Comments:

“I’m going with ‘no jerks here’ because even though I understand the baby mess situation I also understand the disability situation.

If the wheelchair user needed to go and there was nowhere else what are they supposed to do? Soil themselves because you had to do a full change of clothes? Some disabilities mean that they don’t get much warning and they NEED to get to a bathroom and don’t have the leisure time to go find another one.

I would want to know how long it took (you said ‘a while’) because if they were all knocking on the door for some time and were all gone by the time you got out how long were you in there and was it really necessary to be in there that long? Could you have done a quick change and then hopped out so they could use the bathroom and then go back to finish cleaning up? Maybe that would have been preferable to the disabled person than them soiling themselves.

Being able to access a toilet isn’t a privilege for a disabled person, it’s a basic right, and that is why accessible facilities are mandated.

While it’s not ideal that the baby change was in there I think you need to be mindful, rinsing dirty clothes out in the sink is not an emergency, just chuck them in the bag and deal with it when you get home.

Change the baby and clothes as needed but if you know there is someone needing to use the toilet then everything else, including rinsing dirty clothes, is not a priority.” humanofoz

Another User Comments:

“Hmmm. I’m going to go with NTJ.

The jerk in this case, however, is whoever designed that bathroom. The baby changing table should be in the main area with the sinks, not in the accessible stall.

I don’t think you get to call the wheelchair user a jerk, though. I’ve been the wheelchair user desperately trying not to pee myself while a parent hogs the accessible bathroom to take their pram in there, sing their kid a song, and basically spend as long as possible buggering about. It happens a LOT.

And there is also the fact that, as a wheelie, if you are left to pee in your chair while someone is unnecessarily blocking the only toilet you can use, it’s not like a walking person who just needs a wash and clean clothes.

I don’t have a spare chair or a spare cushion. My cushion costs almost £300 and my chair was £7,500. And I can’t manage without it, nor can I always change clothes without assistance.

So while you were able to clean up and rinse your clothes etc, a wheelchair user may very well not have that option.

I do think it was a bit selfish to insist on taking up the only accessible bathroom while you did absolutely everything you needed to. You could have thrown some clothes on and stepped out briefly to let the wheelchair user access the toilet, then finished cleaning up after, especially as you acknowledge you were in there for a very long time.” jaimefay

2 points (4 votes)
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BigGrandma 2 weeks ago
If the baby changing table was in there, what were you SUPPOSED to do????
ALL of the other people were jerks, how ridiculous
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10. AITJ For Not Walking My Sister's Dog?

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“I’m 21f, my sister is 18f. We both live with our dad who’s 48m, and a couple of years ago my dad got a dog for my sister.

When she got the dog, she agreed to take on all the responsibilities. Currently, she’s still in school and also works, which is her excuse for not being able to walk the dog. My dad isn’t doing the best health-wise, and he’s been walking the dog because she apparently can’t.

I don’t have a job rn because I’m disabled (ADHD & mental health issues) and I also get really freaked out by poop (probably my OCD), meaning I’d get disgusted walking the dog and having to pick up his poop.

She’s now asked me to walk the dog, and I refused because it’s her dog, her responsibility, and I have enough on my plate trying to find a job.

She called me selfish and said it’s my fault that my dad has to walk him when he doesn’t feel well. I help my dad out around the house and I’m trying to find a job currently, but I’ve been struggling a lot.

I told her that if she asks me for a favor, I don’t have to say yes and that if she wasn’t able to handle the responsibility she shouldn’t have gotten the dog, or she should wake up earlier so she has time to walk him.

AITJ?

Edit: I have walked the dog before, numerous times. I’m putting my foot down now. I’m not using my disability as an excuse not to walk him, but I’m unemployed in part because of my disability. Every time I ask her for favors, she tells me no. So why should I help her anymore?

The dog isn’t neglected at all, he’s well-fed and gets taken out to use the bathroom at least 4-5 times a day, or whenever he needs to go.”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

If the dog goes out regularly to use the restroom, can your dad take him out for that, and then you can walk him if you’re around just after he’s pooped?

Obviously, you don’t have to, but if you can be reasonably sure that you won’t have to clean up after him then a quick walk around the neighborhood once a day might be… nice?” personofpaper

Another User Comments:

“It depends.

If she is there at home, then she needs to walk the dog. So you are NTJ. If no one else is home and the dog needs to go out, then YTJ for not doing it. Dogs don’t understand why you wouldn’t take them out and many dogs will need to go pee when someone gets home. If your dad is there then no need to do it since he bought it for her.

Now I don’t think you need to go on a long walk or anything, but take it to the yard to go pee sure.” Sledge313

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

The best solution here:

Rehome the dog.

This is not fair at all to that animal. Yeah, your sis should get up earlier and walk it, but it really isn’t that hard of a task for you to do for the sake of the dog. I don’t know anyone that actually LIKES to pick up poop, but they still do it when necessary.” Catlover2565

2 points (2 votes)
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TJHall44 2 weeks ago
NTA. Not your dog, not your responsibility.
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9. AITJ For Snapping At A Woman And Calling An Old Guy An Idiot?

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“Yesterday I popped into the supermarket to grab a few things, was literally in and out in 15 minutes, but in that time I had three people pet my Assistance Dog without even speaking to me, never mind asking permission.

(Her work vest has large letters on top stating very clearly ‘Do Not Distract’ btw)

The first person starts petting her.

Me: ‘Please don’t, she’s working.’ (at this point tone was fairly bright, a matter of fact)

Lady: ‘Oh, I didn’t realize I couldn’t!’ (And she was kinda pouty)

Me: ‘Well I thought the vest was pretty clear.’ (fairly deadpan tone, because…

Really? This woman was in her 50s at a guess and just petting an obvious assistance dog in the chilled aisle)

Lady: ‘There’s no need to be a jerk about it!’

Then by the bread, another woman starts to pet her, I just say ‘excuse me!?’ And she was like ‘oh god, you can see?!’ And scurried off.

And finally, at the checkout, I’m paying for my things and this old dude starts fussing her and baby talking and I’m just done and snap.

‘Please don’t touch my Assistance Dog, that is just rude.’

Him: ‘Well, how should I know?’

Me: ‘The vest is perfectly clear, and you are old enough to look with your eyes, not your hands, my parents taught me that when I was like 6!’

Him: ‘I’m not an idiot’

Me: ‘Oh, really?’

And he stormed off muttering something I assume unsavory about me and my attitude (my hearing isn’t great in noisy environments so no idea).

The checkout lady was laughing her head off (I see her regularly) but the next person in line was giving me the ‘disappointed grandma’ look.

My friends in the AD community all agree that my reaction was perfectly understandable but my non-handler friends are divided about whether I should have handled it with more grace and used it as a teaching moment because these people probably don’t realize that distractions can cause my Assistance Dog to miss a seizure alert and place me in very real danger.

But I’m like, these are grown adults, why should I be burdened with teaching them that if it isn’t theirs, don’t touch it?

This happens every time I go out, and the longer the trip, the more it happens, I force myself to not use my crutches and keep trips short to look as ‘normal’ as possible but the dog is one thing I cannot manage without for safety

I will always find time and energy to explain and be pleasant to kids btw…

I mean kids almost always ask permission to say hi which is awesome to start with! And even if they do just go in for a pet I’m always very gentle but firm in saying no to them.

If adults speak to me first? Then awesome, 8 times out of 10 I will be more than happy to educate, may only be a few seconds because I’m busy, but I’m happy to answer questions if people are polite or even just a bit nosy.

I have multiple health issues after suffering a brain injury and am not particularly shy about talking about them and the reason I need Bambi, she makes an invisible injury very visible… But thanks to her people generally don’t assume I’m wasted due to the way I walk at least – but I struggle to find that energy to teach grabby, inconsiderate jerks.”

Another User Comments:

“I can understand you being sensitive about it, but you’ve grown bitter and seem to be spoiling for a fight.

Why not be nice but firm. I think a lot of older people don’t really understand service dogs, especially for emotional reasons (seizures mean yours is for physical reasons or both). If you want respect, you’ve got to give it. Soft YTJ.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ at all! To your non-handler friends, it’s not your job to educate people about service animals. It’s not even important for people to understand why they can’t touch or distract!! If these people were to go to a museum and read a sign on a sculpture that says do not touch, would they also need the artist to explain to them why they can’t touch? The dog is wearing a vest that says do not touch; there’s no exception because the dog is cute or because people love petting dogs, do not touch means do not touch.

I can understand your frustration at having to deal with this almost every time you try to live your life, and you were way more polite than I would have been. I’m sorry you have to deal with people who think you having a dog allows them into your personal space.” Easy_Historian_3560

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here – You’re going to be running into a lot of such people, that’s because a lot of people won’t know the etiquette as they don’t encounter enough assistance dogs. Doesn’t mean they are right to do so, but if your verbal communications are less hostile to them you might find yourself a lot less unhappy at the exchanges.” ThomzLC

2 points (4 votes)
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Kristi1988 2 weeks ago
My kids are 10, 9, and 6. Even THEY know NEVER to pet, talk to, or distract dogs with vests on. EVER. The ONLY time they are allowed to interact is if the dog is handler-less and approaches them(seeking help for their handler) If my CHILDREN can follow these rule grown ass adults can. There have been times when my kids wanted to pet the dog, and I stopped and explained why they couldn't most times the handler either thanks me, or they do allow the kids to give quick pets, as they have someone with them that could help them. Most of the time my kids will just say they like their dog, and keep going, but I remind them that vested dogs are working to keep that person safe, and distracting them could hurt their person. ❤
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8. AITJ For Moving Our Son Into The Room Adjoined To Us?

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“We moved a month and a half ago and my son is having a hard time adjusting. He’s only 4 so I originally wanted him in the adjoined room next to ours but my husband said no since it would mean less privacy for us. My son has never had issues sleeping so I thought it would be fine to put him in a different room but since moving here, he constantly wakes up scared in the middle of the night and doesn’t like sleeping in his room.

I’ve mentioned wanting to move him into the adjoined room to my husband a few times but he kept insisting our son would get used to his room eventually.

My husband was away for a week so I decided to see if our son slept better in the adjoined room, which he did. I ended up moving him into there officially and he’s been much happier sleeping there than in his old room since I usually leave the door that connects our rooms open so he doesn’t feel scared.

When my husband came home, he was upset I had moved him and that I would keep the door open at night. He said there was no point in us discussing it if I was just going to do whatever I wanted the minute he was gone.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You’re the jerk for 4 reasons. Not because you moved him but because of these 4 specific reasons:

You absolutely ignored the subtext of what your husband was asking for.

The adjoining room was more than what he was letting on — it was about the sanctity of the romantic relationship. You basically just shot a huge bullet into your own relationship. What your husband was saying was, ‘I know if we move him, you’re going to leave the door open and prioritize him. I want a space for us. I want intimacy. I want alone time.

Please prioritize our relationship.’ By doing this, you’ve demonstrated you don’t care about the physical and intimate relationship you had with him. One of the number one reasons relationships dissolve after children is the failure to protect a romantic and intimate relationship.

You vetoed your partner. This should have been discussed thoroughly. You literally undermined him as an equal parent. If the issue was he wasn’t waking up with him when he was upset, then address that.

If you felt like he was NEVER going to be able to adjust, present that. But 1 month is not a long time.

You sneakily did it while your partner was gone. That’s underhanded and shady.

Based on your post, you didn’t even bother to apologize for hurting their feelings or acknowledging their frustration. You just decided that you were right.

Y’all are equal parents. He needed to feel supported and like his feelings as both your partner and parent were respected, and you completely torpedoed that.

Also, your son is 4. He would have adjusted with time and moved on.” Idkhowtouse_reddit

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. You suck for doing it behind your husband’s back as a permanent change (a temp change I am okay with because a single parent doing a two-parent job isn’t easy), but your husband also sucks for being immovable on this. At his age (four), privacy is not as big an issue as when they get to be 8+.

You could instead make this his room until he reaches say 6 or 7, then move him back into the original room.

When a child does not sleep well at night to the point that they are waking up or waking you up, it makes for a very unrestful night for all, ESPECIALLY when you have to walk to the other side of the house. If just having you guys closer to him with a door slightly ajar helps him sleep AND he does not come to you at night, then what is the big deal?

Ya’ll need to compromise and what I proposed in para 1 actually is fair IMO.

You get 2ish years where he does not wake you so much in the middle of the night and you can still close the door for adult time when he drifts off (get one of those closed-circuit baby monitors with a camera that does not connect to the internet). Then, when he’s more confident and a ‘big boy’ transition him to the room.” CylintStep

Another User Comments:

“Mildly YTJ I understand that you didn’t like seeing your son upset and wanted to give him comfort, but you are not only doing your husband a disservice here but your son.

By putting him in the adjoining room, despite knowing how your husband felt about it, you effectively told him you don’t care how he feels and that he had to deal with a lack of privacy. You essentially put your son in the bed with you by doing that and leaving the door cracked.

It makes your husband feel a lack of privacy as well as a lack of intimacy with you.

As for your son, the reason this is a disservice to him is that you are… what’s the term I am looking for I can’t think of it. Basically, it seems like you are teaching him to rely on being close to you and not allowing for him to be comfortable sleeping independently. Even though he is in a different room and bed, by having him adjoined and the door open, he’s back to being a co-sleeper in your bed.

He’s not independent. He’s reliant.” Notsogoodadvicegiver

Another User Comments:

“Four is very little and when a four-year-old is scared and can’t sleep it’s very difficult and disruptive for everyone.

Your husband may feel that his own comfort and privacy are more important than the well-being of his child, but you’re both parents and you both have a responsibility towards your child. Life doesn’t continue like it was before you had kids and you can’t pretend it does.

Yes, it would have been better if you’d been able to agree but a four-year-old needs you more than your husband does. That’s the deal with babies.

Letting a young child adapt to feeling safe by having him in an adjoining room isn’t going to mean he’s eternally dependent. That’s loving and responsive parenting. When he’s happy sleeping through, you can shut the door, when he’s happy like that, and a bit older, you can start making his other room more interesting and exciting. Maybe worth indicating to your husband that you have an exit strategy from the situation he’s unhappy with. It’s a temporary solution to a lot of disruption in your child’s life.

NTJ. You need to do what’s right for your kid, and your husband is an adult who could also find a solution but didn’t.” OrigamiCrocodile

2 points (4 votes)
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BigGrandma 2 weeks ago
What, the door can't be closed for a little 'adult time' and then opened back up afterwards?? He'll be sleeping anyway and won't even know
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7. AITJ For Telling My Sister To Find A New Babysitter?

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“I (20 f) have been watching my sister’s (23 f) kid for almost a year. It’s fine but has proven to be a really big challenge since I’ve recently discovered my dislike for children (because of her kid of course). He’s young, almost 2 but he’s an extremely spoiled child that can’t be told no. No one seems to be teaching him what’s right or wrong except for me and it’s gotten to a point where he will scream at me if I look at him.

I’m not mean to him, I tell him off when he’s doing bad things or picking on our animals (which he does a lot). I’m just so over it at this point. I love the kid but it’s taking a toll on me. I watch him 8 hours a day, five days a week so I physically can’t get a job. I also only get paid $100 for the entire week which is only $2.50 an hour.

I want to finally start my life and get a job so I can move out and not have to depend on my parents.

My sister was supposed to find a new babysitter in January but has been seriously lagging and hasn’t even tried to find someone new since the first one fell out. I told her today that she needs to find a new babysitter as fast as she possibly can and her only response was ‘good to know I can’t depend on my own sister.’ I have been extremely patient with her and now she decides to pull this on me.

I told her I’m still willing to watch him while she finds a new babysitter and all she did was call me a child and said she’ll just call out of work tomorrow. I know I can’t confide in my own family because they’ll all take her side and I’m honestly tired of it. So tell me, am I the jerk?

Small edit/update: I’m guessing she told our mom since at 2 am yesterday she messaged me asking if I was still going to be watching him or quitting completely.

I told her that I told my sister I would still be willing to watch him while she found someone else, but that she’d have to actually try finding someone. My mom’s response was ‘Finding a daycare is hard to come by nowadays, be patient please.’ I don’t think she understands how patient I have been but at this point, I don’t even care to explain myself to her.

My sister also did keep her word and stayed home today so I’m able to have the day to myself.

Also understand I can’t just tell her to find someone by a certain date because I’m extremely worried about being kicked out. I can’t just up and go somewhere as I don’t have a car or license and I don’t have IRL friends that I could stay with.

I’m pretty much stuck here until I get myself together, which is what I’m trying to do but obviously can’t at the current moment. I’m not willing to call cps on her because that would truly turn my entire family against me and I can’t do that just yet.

Bigger update!!: My sister stayed home both Thursday and Friday and apparently within that time, she has secured a new babysitter! I do have to watch him Monday as she’s taking a test to become certified for something at her job and we’ll have him overnight but I’m finally free.

I can start securing a new job and actually have a life for once.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you are being used, and you have the right to put an end to that. I’m sorry you think the family will take her side. You might need to plan to move out quickly, should the argument escalate. Do you have any friends you can stay with until you get a job?

You are unhappy because you are tied to a child for most of the week and are unable to work and save for your own life.

Sister is happy because she can work, is bringing in money, and someone else is parenting her child for her.

Or…

You are happy because you just started work at a company that pays well, and soon you’ll be in your own apartment, and free to travel or save for a fancy car, etc…Your sister is unhappy because she can’t find a sitter, so she had to quit her job and stay home with her own child.

One of you will be happy, the other unhappy. Why should you be the unhappy one? When the child in question is NOT your responsibility to raise???

And if family comes at you, thank them for stepping in and tell them they are welcome to babysit full time while you go look for a paying job.” cubemissy

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You should be paid $800/week. You are missing out on 700 dollars that could be the difference between living with your parents and living on your own with a car.

Of course, your sister is going to shame you, she probably can’t afford childcare but also doesn’t want to cut back her spending or quit her job to take care of her child.

You are being taken advantage of. A nice sister watches their nephew on a night out… not the whole week! In the end, you are finding you don’t like children so it’s not like this experience will be useful towards getting another childcare job.” StarChunkFever

Another User Comments:

“Your sister is exploiting you.

I bet she hasn’t even tried to find a new sitter because she knows no one else will work for such low wages. Start your job search now. Give her a deadline for your last day and stick to it. If she tries to dump her kid on you anyway leave the house before she can. You’ll get flack from your family but it’s better than continuing like this. She’s proven that you can’t depend on her since she refuses to pay you more or find a new sitter. NTJ.” ComprehensiveBand586

2 points (2 votes)
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Kristi1988 2 weeks ago
I would have told her fine I'll keep watching him, but you now have to pay me more, since I am not able to get a job. 100$ a month for that amount of babysitting is so disrespectful, just wow.
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6. AITJ For Wanting To Turn The Fabric My In-Laws Gave Me Into A Different Dress?

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“About ten years ago my in-laws came home from visiting their homeland far away. (We are in Canada and they are permanent residents here now but are originally from said far away country).

When they returned they brought a length of fabric to make a dress that is common in their homeland. It’s a beautiful dress, but it’s tedious, and given that I live in Canada, it’s something I would almost never wear.

Originally I was going to have one made asap, but life and a massive argument/rift between us kept that from happening. And now due to said rift, I have absolutely no place to wear said cultural dress because I would never be invited anywhere that would require such a garment. (MIL called me a pagan for grieving multiple pregnancy losses early in our marriage. Then denied.

Then doubled down and told me I wasn’t good enough for a job in a church. Then proceeded to say she had zero to apologize for and that I was the real problem for even questioning her opinions. Oh. And she’s so amazing people see Jesus in her and a halo around her head).

I was searching for something in my closet today and found said fabric still folded and never having been made into the originally intended dress.

Let me add – that the fabric is beautiful. Heavy silk in my favorite color, with a lovely pattern to it. I held it a moment and remembered better times with my husband’s family. Times when we actually gathered and I wasn’t an outcast for not rug sweeping their bad behavior.

As I looked, I thought it might make a beautiful culturally inspired dress, instead of the intricate garment it was supposed to be.

Of course, I’d use a seamstress from said culture to create a new different dress to avoid any ideas of cultural appropriation.

My husband reacted badly to the suggestion. But I told him frankly that if it was only meant for the intricate dress style, then it would never be made because I will never use it. And the fabric will likely sit and rot for a few generations before it gets thrown out.

He sighed and told me to do as I wished, but was clearly unhappy with the idea. I even went so far as to suggest he ask his mother. He abjectly refused, saying it was a gift and mine to do as I please with now… I told him that whatever his mother’s decision was that I would abide by it.

So. AITJ for wanting to make a garment I will use from this fabric instead of a dress I would either never use, or just let the fabric sit for the rest of my life? Hubby says this isn’t really ok but to do whatever I want in the end.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but neither is your husband.

It’s worthwhile to ask him why he reacted that way… Not in an attempt to convince him (you’ve already done that) but to really hear him out.

Does it feel to him like a version of giving up on his family? Does it feel final? Is it hitting him hard because this tradition is extremely important to him and he’s sorrowful that you aren’t going to get the opportunity to participate? Will seeing this fabric made into a different kind of dress cause him pain for what he’s lost rather than happy that you used it?

Once you understand his reasons, then you can consider what to do next.

I recommend waiting before you have this conversation with him (so it’s not so raw for either of you), and then take your time in deciding what to do.” DinaFelice

Another User Comments:

“The rift with MIL is already there, so you might as well enjoy the gift in the way it will actually be useful for you without worrying about what might upset her. (And enjoy the feeling of cutting the strings that came with the gift.)

NTJ and your husband was eventually right – it was a gift and yours to do with as you please now.

Don’t let him (or MIL) being unhappy manipulate you.” ParsimoniousSalad

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but don’t rush to do something with it now all of a sudden. I fear that doing so will cause more issues with your husband further down the line and it’s really not worth it over a dress.

Talk more with your husband but maybe give it a week or 2 to cool off first.

Find a way to discuss it from a different angle whilst still making your case and see what happens.

Is there any way you can approach his mother? A little ‘I refined this material and I really love it and it makes me sad that I’ll never have an occasion to wear (intricate dress style)… what would you think of me using the material to make (culturally inspired alternative dress)?’ Might work.” Substantial-Fox-4905

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5. AITJ For Refusing To Go On A Cruise With My Mom?

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“My mother, sister, and I (19F at the time, now 22) were supposed to go on a cruise but it was canceled the day before we were supposed to leave.

I’ve never been truly interested in going on a cruise because I’d rather be on the land and able to explore different areas that aren’t in my home state rather than being on a boat hanging out at the pool, and drinking.

I know cruises have excursions but I’m the type of person on vacations to leave the hotel room at 9 am and not show back up until midnight when I’ve seen and done everything I wanted to do that day. So with that being said…

My mom has been trying to force me and my sister to go on a cruise with her no matter how many times I suggest we go see a new city, or maybe a different country instead of going on a cruise.

She claims that cruises are cheaper than going to see a new city/country and refuses to acknowledge it can be the same price or even would be the same amount of fun.

Today, she called me asking about a cruise date for December 17-24 (she would pay for it like she tries to do with every cruise no matter how much I tell her I can pay my own way) this year, and I told her I wasn’t interested considering my sister, my dad and I have plans to leave Christmas Day for a week-long trip to Florida.

My mom was annoyed when she heard this, asking when would be best for my schedule and if she found another date that would work. I told her I’d rather not go on a cruise but I’d love to do a vacation with her if she wanted to go see a different city or go to the beach or something.

She lost it. Went absolutely ballistic and started saying ‘you and your sister are just spoiled brats.

I try to do something nice for you and you both are just nasty and spoiled.’ I told her that I didn’t think I was a spoiled brat for turning down a trip that I have no interest in going on, especially since I offered to travel with her to somewhere that is on land, and it just saves her funds on the long run. She then said that she doesn’t care what my sister and I want, she’s wanted to do this cruise forever and it’s selfish for me and my sister to try and take that away from her.

To finish the conversation, I told her that she should go and she should have a good time because she deserves to have a good time on a vacation she wants to go on. She then said ‘yeah I’ll just have a good time, me, myself, and I’ and hung up on me.

Now I’m just sitting here thinking, was I the jerk? Am I being selfish by not wanting to go? Should I just suck up my feelings and go with her on the cruise even though it’s of no interest to me? I relinquish my judgment to you all.

Before ending this, I feel like I should clarify why cruises are of no interest to me: it’s a giant Petri dish, and I don’t like open water unless I can see land. It gives me anxiety.”

Another User Comments:

“Your mother’s being terribly selfish only caring about her own desires and making everyone else sound ungrateful. DON’T go on a cruise, A lot of boats are skipping destinations because they are still having various problems.

I don’t think you’re going to enjoy a cruise, only get a few hours on land and then trapped back on the boat for another entire day or two (remember there’s no internet or phone unless you pay out the butt). It’s one of the WORST ways to see new places, always on such a time limit. I think you were completely reasonable in offering so many different compromises.

She needs to offer that trip to someone who actually wants to be trapped on a boat. NTJ.” Escape_Overlander

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. It sounds like your mom is being a bit inflexible, but she probably feels the same way about you.

Consider why your mom might be so into the cruise. Is it possible she is out of shape, has back or leg pain (or any other issue) that might make it hard to be very active, or is required to be very active in her everyday life and is looking for a change? Or maybe she just enjoys laying in the sun relaxing and she thinks a cruise is where you all can do this most effectively since you love to be active and running around.

If you can figure out what is drawing her to a cruise so much, maybe you could find a compromise you both would like. For instance, could you compromise on a resort on a beach where the point is to spend time with each other and relax, rather than sightseeing?

The reason I think you should focus less on who the jerk is and more on how to find a way to make this work is because if you have a generally good, loving mom (no one is perfect, but all things considered she was a good parent) the time you have with her will never feel like enough when she is gone and the time you spent with her doing fun things like a vacation will be memories you cherish forever.

I know from experience.

I think your mom is frustrated because she wanted to go on a cruise and make memories with her kids and she can’t understand why that’s so hard. Let her cool off and then approach her with kindness, and patience and express a real desire to have the perfect vacation together. I hope she realizes that what is really important isn’t the cruise, but the memories she will make with the people she loves.

She just may need to be snapped out of her disappointment about the cruise not working out.” Then-Parking5635

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Your mom thinks you are selfish for not going on the vacation SHE wants to go on, but she also won’t in any way plan a vacation that you all want to go on.

You were right to tell your mom to go on a cruise if she wants, but that you want to do something else and are happy to plan it with her.

Her deciding that it is a cruise or nothing and that you have to go with her is what is selfish here.

If you otherwise have a good relationship with your mom, give her a few days and reach out. Tell her: Mom, I have zero interest in going on a cruise, not only would it not be fun but I would actively have a bad time and I don’t want to waste your funds, ruin your vacation, or have a bad time with you.

I would absolutely love to vacation with you, and here are some options that I think could make us both happy, and I can even help pay if you think it is more expensive than a cruise.

I’d suggest things like an all-inclusive resort (all the amenities of a cruise, much more freedom) and if she still has a bad attitude about it, just leave it alone and move on. Keep saying no to the cruise though!” mfruitfly

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lasm1 2 weeks ago
NTJ, you mother is the selfish one.
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4. AITJ For Not Keeping My Cat Off The Counter?

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“I (28F) live in a 2br condo and rent out the second room. When I first interviewed my new roommate (35F) I mentioned that I foster cats so there will be a rotating cast of them (never more than 2 at a time) in our apartment. I didn’t want a roommate who would be uncomfortable with cats — she said she’s an animal lover.

My roommate is extremely clean and quiet, always pays rent on time, and is really conscious about only using her own things even though I wouldn’t care if she borrowed mine occasionally.

Our only point of contention is this: she doesn’t want the cats to be on the kitchen counter because it’s unhygienic.

I have a high threshold for things like that and don’t personally care, but when she originally asked me to keep them off the counter I agreed to try. Unfortunately, most of my fosters are former strays and are extremely food-oriented, so the kitchen is extremely attractive to them.

I usually keep them in my room for a while to make them comfortable in their environment but I don’t think it’s fair to limit them to that space once they start trying to explore the rest of the apartment.

The first time my foster started going out I tried watching her but inevitably I’d get called into work or take my eyes off her for a second and she would sneak into the kitchen.

Each time my roommate said this was unacceptable (this happened maybe 2x in a month span). I offered to clean up after the cat whenever she asked but my roommate says she doesn’t want them on the counter in the first place. Finally, I tried covering the counters in aluminum and explained that cats don’t like the texture so it teaches them to stay off. My roommate got super mad and said my approach was ridiculous, that I was disrespecting her, and that I was just being lazy.

She basically yelled at me during my lunch break until I finally said I couldn’t do anything else to accommodate her request. She kept tearing off the aluminum so I don’t see the point in using it.

I have a new long-term foster and we’re already having the same argument. AITJ here?”

Another User Comments:

“This is disgusting. The same paws they step in the litter box are then stepped on a food preparation surface.

I love cats and have them but this is a hard rule we follow. Get a squirt gun, like ones that hairstylists use to moisten the hair. Set it to a long stream and hit the cat with water whenever they step on the counter. Covering the counters in foil is nonsense and makes your kitchen looks like a college dorm room prank.

Ultimately you own the building and rent the room out.

So if this isn’t working out, you terminate the rental agreement or your roommate declines to renew with you. But from a sanitation and hygiene PoV, this is unacceptable. YTJ.” BeeYehWoo

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

You’re sharing space and rent, so you’re going to have to figure something out. Most people, even cat people, are not going to like the idea of cats being allowed on the counter/food prep/eating areas.

You have to discourage them somehow (you might try spraying a citrus oil around those areas – they hate that but aren’t harmed by it and it’s non-toxic).

Your roommate sucks because she wants you to fix the problem, but flipped out and undermined your efforts when you tried.” B4pangea

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

You have done what you could to reasonably keep the cats off the counter. And even if you thought you succeeded…

would you really be? My cat never goes on the kitchen counter in front of me, but there have been times when I got up in the middle of the night only to see her frozen in place on top of the REFRIGERATOR (via the counters) hoping I don’t notice. They just learn to do it when you’re not around.

Everything you have tried she has rather aggressively shot down.

At this point you can tell her she can either accept the tinfoil, do her own research and you’ll implement it, or accept the cats on the counter and you supply the Lysol wipes and she can use them when she needs them.

I can’t believe she didn’t foresee this? Every cat I have ever owned, every cat everyone I know owns – loves the counter and being somewhere elevated.

My mom used to hate it and even she’s given up.” aamfbta

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

Okay, I’m a cat foster. So I understand your perspective.

But your roommate has a right to have a cat-free kitchen. If you can’t be responsible and watch them when they are running loose, then keep them confined. Your room is better than the shelter.

When they are out, you can put out the tin foil (which does work sometimes) or correct cats when they try to get on the counter.

If your roommate doesn’t want to listen to your suggestions to correct the cats, tell her she can use the alternative methods that she comes up with. But she can’t complain about the cats being on the counter and then complain about the methods you’re using to try and prevent it.” DarcyKnits

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Delight 1 week ago
She has no rigt to be flipping out of a effective & benign solution when she is not offering any of her own. That ya'll ended up here, is on both of you. Not everybody understands that "foster" cat means training issues. And not everybody who loves animals has taken care of them & knows the challenges thay come with them. Neither of you communicated as thoroughly as you needed to because you assumed that the other understood the terms you were using.

That being said, you both jave some duty to try to fix this, or at least, treat each other with respect. You have made good efforts to fix the situation & she has not.
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3. AITJ For Leaving My Classes Without Permission?

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“I am a (17F) junior in highschool. When it comes to respecting my teachers I offer plenty. I don’t talk during class, I volunteer to help clean up every time, I write emails with my full name and a greeting, and overall I just try to be respectful.

Up until this year, I have always asked to use the restroom. But, at the beginning of this year, I just stopped.

I’m 17 and felt as though if I needed to use the restroom I could get up quietly and excuse myself for 5 minutes. I have never received a complaint nor noticed any anger from my teachers. During dinner one night I briefly brought this up and my older brother who had just recently graduated told me not to do it. My dad then chimed in agreeing, saying it was disrespectful.

I brushed them off at the moment because I (in all honesty) thought they were dumb. They were portraying it in a way that made it seem like I was doing it to spite teachers/and to purposely be disruptive. Neither of those is true.

I brought this conversation up to a friend at the beginning of class the next day. In the middle of re-telling my story, my English teacher interrupted me and said, ‘Yes.

It is absolutely disrespectful to disregard a teacher like that. Especially in their own classroom.’ I and my friend just stared at him until he got up and began to lecture both of us. I can’t remember exactly but it was along the lines of ‘Not following classroom rules, ignoring the authority of both an adult and a teacher, and something about entitlement.’ After he finished I remember taking on a pretty nasty tone and saying, ‘If it bothers you so much why haven’t you ever asked me to stop?’ And what I meant by this but didn’t have the capacity to say at the moment was, ‘If you had an issue why have you never pulled me aside or tossed out a comment when I returned about asking next time??’

His response was short and ended with him asking me to get permission before I leave next time.

I nodded my head and that was it. Later, another friend informed me that it’s for safety reasons.

My dad and brother both think I was wrong for leaving in the first place/talking back to my teacher. I’m conflicted.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“If you were in a conversation with somebody, would you just get up and leave without saying anything? If you were on the phone with somebody, would you just put it on mute and walk away for a couple of minutes, and then come back? Of course, you wouldn’t.

Because that would mean you were a jerk. It’s the same in class. Teachers, for one thing, do have to keep an eye on safety. They need to know where you’re going because they need to know how long you might be there and they need to know where you are in case there is an emergency. But also, it is just respectful to tell the people you are engaging with what you are doing.

Your arrogance at thinking you can just wander out of the classroom whenever you like, and then your arrogance about taking a nasty tone with your teacher are both really ridiculous. You need to get over yourself and be respectful. You are too old to be acting like this. YTJ. Time to grow up.” annrkea

Another User Comments:

“I’m leaning towards NTJ in general, but becoming the jerk by the way you responded to your teacher (which you seem to recognize).

I work with first-year college students, some of whom are 17, and we are frequently telling them they don’t have to ask–if we notice a pattern where they are stepping out of class for huge chunks of time we would address that in terms of their participation and missing important content, but honestly, I would rather students slip out quietly than interrupt whatever I’m doing.

I also think part of teaching is setting clear norms for your classroom–ideally with input from the students (even quite young students can participate in this).

If your teachers felt that was disrespectful, or it was a safety concern, they should communicate that to you. But I also think way too much teaching focuses on adversarial relationships with students, where there is a lot of bad faith assumed. Yes, there are students who act intentionally with disrespect, but I think a lot of times teachers (and other adults) immediately label behavior as ‘disrespectful’ without actually engaging with students.” notarealrabbit

Another User Comments:

“The gentlest ‘everyone sucks here’.

Your Brother and Dad are right, but are focusing on the wrong aspect of this, and could have been nicer about it.

Your teacher absolutely should have stopped you the first time, regardless of (but especially) if they had a personal problem with it.

Your English teacher, specifically, seems a little condescending, but maybe that’s just how you’ve written him.

You seem to have simply not considered the potential consequences of your actions. While you’re at school, your teachers and staff are responsible for your well-being. If something happens to you while you’re gone, and they don’t know where you are, it ends up falling on their shoulders.

And yes, it’s just respectful to ask first. (they shouldn’t bar you from going to the bathroom if you do ask, but that’s another discussion entirely).” winsluc12

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Kristi1988 2 weeks ago
In most other countries, you don't need permission to use the bathroom. I honestly think it's more disruptive to interrupt class to ask to use the bathroom then it is to just leave. I always thought they should just have a pass by the door, and if you needed to go, just grab it and go.
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2. AITJ For Telling My Friend That I Only Want One Child?

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“I’m a mom to an only child, ‘Emma,’ (11). My best friend, ‘Heather,’ has four kids (ages range from 6-to 13). Heather constantly asks me when I’m going to have another kid. I usually just ignore it (I’m used to it, I’ve been hearing this for a decade). However, she recently has been making comments about how I’m ‘pushing’ Emma too hard bc she’s my only child.

Emma does both gymnastics and dance competitively. She is a very driven kid and gets up on her own (literally drags me out of bed when I sleep through the alarm) for 5 am practices. It’s true that we spend a lot on Emma and that I spend most of my spare time driving/traveling with her. But she loves it and I love watching her follow her passions.

I got really fed up with Heather and I kind of blew up at her. I told her I’m happy to have only one child so that she gets all my attention and financial support. I said this knowing that Heather feels guilty that she can’t give a lot of individual attention to each of her children and knowing that Emma is a lot more financially privileged than Heather’s kids.

My husband and I both earn a good amount and we have only one kid, while Heather is a SAHM and her husband makes mediocre money and they have 4 kids. We chose intentionally to have only one kid and I am genuinely happy that I don’t have to divide my attention or worry about her financially. But was I the jerk for saying this to Heather? She’s really upset with me now and I know she’s very sensitive about those topics in particular.”

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

She was the jerk for constantly bringing up you having another child, she doesn’t have any say in you, your body, or your decision to have kids. She should have dropped this the first time you said you were happy with one child.

You are also the jerk for as you said yourself choosing your words against her because you KNEW it would hurt her. I get that you were fed up, and I totally understand that, but you intentionally said things to her that would hit her where it hurts, whereas your friend is just not dropping something.

She’s not hurting you as you did to her, just frustrating you when she brings up this specific conversation topic.” teodora19-99

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. I understand she kept bringing it up but I think you could have told her firmly that you are happy with your one child and that you don’t appreciate her constantly nagging you about it. You specifically said that you knew it was a sore subject for her and that she’s very sensitive about these topics.

Understandably so. I’m sure she loves all of her children and wishes she could provide for them the way you do yours and it seems a little mean for you to use something she vented to you about against her because you were upset. It may be best to set boundaries in the future or distance yourself from people that don’t agree with your life choices.” AbilitySecret

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

She for pushing and prodding about your personal things, (Fertility and children birthing is private personally. It’s one thing if someone wants to talk but pressuring someone to have more kids or being a pain about it turns you into the jerk) and not leaving well enough alone about things that aren’t her business. She’s not your partner so she can butt out.

You for hitting below the belt.

You know what you were saying was a low blow that would do the most damage and you used that. Blowing up would’ve been understandable BUT the way and what you said were wrong.

Apologies need to be spoken on BOTH sides. Because both sides were wrong and shouldn’t have said what was said.” Alyssa_Hargreaves

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

Competitive dance and gymnastics are a lot for an 11yo, both physically and mentally.

From your comments, it seems like you take a lot of pride in being able to provide her with these opportunities. Your friend’s concern about you pushing your daughter too hard doesn’t read as an indictment of your decision to have only one child but as a real question from someone who is also raising kids and knows the pressures and knows you and cares about you.

And you truly just went as low as you could. Having your parents’ complete attention and resources is great, but so are brothers and sisters. She’s devoted a huge portion of her life to being a SAHM and it’s probably come with a lot of sacrifices if her husband isn’t making a ton and you just completely dismissed all of that as a bad life decision. I mean, holy cow. ‘I don’t want to have more kids because I don’t want them to be as bad off as yours’ is kind of a friendship bummer.” personofpaper

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rbleah 3 weeks ago
NOT THE JERK she would not stop
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1. WIBTJ If I Reported Someone In My Building For Moving My Packages?

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“I (26F) recently moved into a new building that has 4 apartments. Our mail and packages come to the front of our complex and it is our responsibility to get our respective mail. Recently I was away from my apartment for a few days and I received a package that one of the other tenants brought into the building, placed it outside of my door, and slipped a note underneath my door saying ‘package’.

I didn’t mind this too much as I understand that someone might be worried that I was gone and the package could get stolen. But, more recently (who I assume is the same tenant) has been bringing in all of my packages and placing them outside of my door. Even within an hour or so of the mail getting here, sometimes I’m working or on a call and can’t get to bring it in the second the mail comes.

They have even jammed it under my door once before.

WIBTJ if I brought this up to my landlord? I’m sure whoever is doing this is trying to be nice, but it’s not their responsibility to take care of my mail. I also don’t want to cause any problems since I still have a long time on my lease and I’m not exactly sure which neighbor is doing it.”

Another User Comments:

“YWBTJ.

What is the hypothetical harm that could come from this? Someone is being helpful in a way that actually is helpful. It’s not burdening you in any way except in the sense that now you have to deal emotionally with this kindness.” RealWanderingWizard

Another User Comments:

“I would say NTJ, they could damage your mail if they are trying to force it under your door. I also don’t think there will be any harmful repercussions to them if you report it, especially since you don’t know who exactly it is.

The landlord will probably send out a general notice of some sort asking people not to move/touch mail that isn’t theirs and that will be the end of it.” KZWinn

Another User Comments:

“YWBTJ for doing this, it would be a way of creating very bad feelings in your apartment building. As you said it’s not that many people who live there, you will find out soon enough who is the ‘kind’ neighbor & can address it then if you want to ask them to stop. Neighbors are generally going to be aggravating in some respect, at least yours is trying to be helpful! Live & let live OP.” sjwild2003

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Pabs 2 weeks ago
Of course you would be the jerk. For God sakes, someone is doing something nice for you.
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