People Face Dilemmas In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
17. WIBTJ If I Stop Teaching My Son How To Drive?
“My son is a learner driver and currently in driving school and I have been giving him extra driving practice which is something he wanted.
Earlier on, he was sometimes too hesitant and lacked confidence when merging on the freeway and changing lanes which can be dangerous if you go too slow or check the mirrors so much that you stop looking ahead.
I pointed this out and he is getting better at it. However at times he still hesitates and when he does, I would tell him he is driving like a woman. He had no issue with this at all and would correct himself when I said that.
I did not mean it in a bad way, my daughter is a great driver, picked up driving naturally, and passed her test the first time. He got upset at me all of a sudden and asked me to stop saying that.
I have no issue stopping with that remark and replacing it with something else, but I don’t appreciate being lectured as if I am sexist when I was just trying to help him and used the phrase more like an idiom.
My wife agrees with me and thinks he was being petty but my daughter agrees with my son. My son and I used to talk like this all the time when he was younger but lately, he and my daughter have become closer and she is influencing his views.
I think maybe it was wrong to say that but not jerk level since I did not mean it literally and I am more bothered about how he lectured me and treated me as if I am a massive sexist than if he had just asked me to stop.
I have been happily married for many years and I am no sexist.
I was considering stopping the extra practice drives and just letting him use his paid instructor.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, massively. For starters, you’re not being supportive and helpful to your son with his driving lessons.
Then, of course, you are a complete sexist. It’s not an idiom to describe someone who is hesitant and lacking in confidence when driving, it’s an insult, pure and simple.
Rather than insulting your son and making him feel bad about his driving, you should be encouraging him and explaining things to him better.
Your daughter picked up driving quickly and is a natural. However, your son is not so comfortable behind the wheel. This is a skill that needs to be mastered, and everyone has their own timeline for mastering it. Be a little more patient and understanding with him, and work with one aspect of the skill at a time instead of bombarding him with a bunch of stuff at once.
See if there are some places in your area where you can drive with him without the pressure of all of the other drivers on the road at the same time, such as empty parking lots or closed driving courses. Have mom and sis be drivers alongside the two of you so he can get those skills like changing lanes and merging with less pressure and he can gain more confidence.” sharirogers
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Why does his driving instruction require any of these kinds of remarks? Why can’t you simply tell him what he needs to work on without denigrating comments? He’s learning a new skill, one that has the potential to be dangerous for him and others.
You yourself said that he needs to develop more self-confidence when driving, do you really think that belittling him is going to achieve that? Do you?
You, sir, are sexist and you are trying to gaslight your son into thinking that this isn’t a harmful way to act.
You may not have consciously meant harm by making the remark but when it was pointed out to you you doubled down instead of taking the legitimate criticism to heart. Ingrained behavior leads to systemic problems. If you know that what you said isn’t true then you should be proud of your son for being a better person than you and calling you out on it.
So, instead of pouting because your young son pointed out a bad trait you exhibit maybe learn something from him and try to change.” Beautific_Fun
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. Your son corrected you for being sexist and now you want to stop allowing him extra supervised practice behind the wheel.
Get over yourself. It is sexist. It’s not an idiom. Putting your foot in your mouth… that’s an idiom. ‘Driving like a woman’ is a simile, and a sexist one at that. And you DID mean it in a bad way because you were using it to correct him.
Your son has grown up to realize your banter is wrong. If your daughter is influencing his views and this is the result, good! The fact that you felt the need to point this out makes me believe this is far from being the only sexist trait you display.
Also, being ‘happily married’ does not mean you are not sexist. You said several things in your post that have sexist undertones. If you’re not sexist, grow up and learn to communicate without using sexist stereotypes as a crutch.” Berwynne
16. AITJ For Telling My Cousins That They Aren't Doctors?
“I (31F) am currently doing my residency in internal medicine. It’s brutal, but I should be finished in December. I have five cousins on my dad’s side. Most of them have non-health-related careers, but Andy (32M) is a chiropractor and Kayla (26F) is a nurse practitioner.
Now, my dad’s family has had at least one or two doctors in every generation. My grandpa and his brother were both family medicine, my dad is a urologist, and one of my aunts is a pediatrician. When I was in high school and college, my grandparents used to talk about how I would carry on the tradition and be the first doctor in my generation of our family.
My other cousins were very clear they weren’t interested.
Last weekend, we had an early Easter celebration/egg hunt with my dad’s side — some people are on call this coming weekend, so it made more sense to do it early. At the table, my grandma was asking about my residency and how happy they were to see me as the first doctor of my generation.
Andy butted in and pointed out that he and Kayla are also ‘doctors.’ I was frankly annoyed and a little tipsy, so I told him that chiropractors and NPs aren’t the same things as a physician, at all. Chiropractic is pseudoscience and can even be dangerous for patients.
Nursing is a great career and I’m proud of my cousin for getting her NP, but an NP is its own distinct thing. Andy got annoyed and called me privileged and arrogant. Kayla kind of took my side, but then said something about how NP school is just as challenging as medical school and that it’s ‘only devalued because nursing is a historically female career path.’
My grandpa interjected to tell them both to take a seat, that they weren’t doctors and shouldn’t be claiming to be such.
After lunch, Kayla pulled me aside and un-invited me to her private practice grand opening next month. She said she only wanted people who would cheer her on to attend, and she felt it was best if I skipped. I didn’t really want to go anyway — I have very limited free time — so I said I respected that.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Doc here – everyone sucks here because it’s not really that big of a deal despite the toxic hierarchal culture that exists in medicine. I can tell you there are many surgeons (particularly in my generation) who look down on primary care (IM.
FM, Peds, etc.) physicians. Ophthalmologists looking down on optometrists. Orthopedic F&A looking down on podiatrists. OMFS looking down on orthodontists. I could go on…
The older and more experienced you get the less you’ll care about the title. Healthcare is supposed to be a collaborative effort amongst professionals for the betterment of the community.
The ego trips can get in the way of that sometimes and your cousins revealed their immaturity without you having to blatantly point it out.
Now if a nurse were to walk into my operatory, challenge my treatment plan or ask me to hand over the scalpel because they too are ‘doctors’ in the most technical way possible – that would be a major problem.
If I was at a party, however, and a nurse commented on being a ‘doctor’ then I probably wouldn’t engage at all because it’s just not worth it. Let them vent their insecurities and take solace in the fact that you (hopefully) chose a career you’re passionate about with no consideration of prestige or title.” RunsWithApes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and honestly, your grandparents aren’t getting enough blame here.
It’s one thing to be proud of you, but it sounds like they are putting you on a pedestal for following in the family business at the expense of your cousins.
There’s a big difference between ‘We are proud of you for being a doctor’ and ‘We are proud to have the first doctor of your generation.’
The first one validates your accomplishment.
The second does so in comparison to your cousins, which is kind of crappy.” JohnnyFootballStar
Another User Comments:
“Not a chiropractor (I’m a pharmacist). But according to the US Government (specifically the centers for Medicaid and Medicare services), a chiropractor is a physician and they refer to them as ‘chiropractic physicians’ in all their medical coding docs.
Google it.
YTJ because you sound exceedingly arrogant. In my hospital, I go by my first name but most of the MDs refer to me as ‘doctor’ when they first meet me, simply out of professional politeness, and they have a heck of a lot more experience as attendings than you do.
Good luck being a successful hospitalist if that’s the attitude you carry on the floor with you.” Pharmacienne123
15. AITJ For Refusing To Take My Niece Outside Without A Coat?
“Since the beginning of August, I’ve been taking my niece (5 years old) to Kindergarten 2-3 times per week because my sister starts work at 6 and my niece doesn’t get dropped off until 7:30. I wake up at 5:15 AM to get ready and drive over to my sister’s house.
It’s a hassle but I love doing this, she’s the cutest sweetest kid and it’s bonding time.
The issue is that I take her to school but I’m not in charge of picking her up, that’s on her parents (split up but co-parent well).
Frequently my niece will take whatever coat she’s wearing off in their car after school on the drive home. For whatever reason, her parents never remember to bring her coats in and they all end up left in their 2 cars.
This becomes a problem for me at 7:15 when I try to take her to school and realize there are no coats. I’ve been forced to bundle her up in 3-4 layers of sweaters in below-freezing weather. I’ve complained to my sister and niece’s dad multiple times.
Administrators sent out multiple emails to remind parents (aka specifically my sister but they try to be nice and send it to everyone) that kids need to be wearing coats in the morning. Twice in January, the principal reminded me when I dropped her off in the morning (there’s always a principal or receptionist to greet each kindergartener at the back door).
It’s embarrassing to drop off a 5-year-old in freezing weather with no coat, and my niece shouldn’t have to freeze in the AM.
Last month I told my sister that she needs to either teach my niece to carry her coat in or she needs to do it herself, but that if it happens again I won’t take her to school.
It was 16 degrees Friday AM, and I go to leave the house with her – no coat. I called my sister to ask her where her coat is and she said they were all in their cars. I was angry and hung up on her and went to get sweaters.
Then I changed my mind and texted my sister that she can either take an hour off work to bring me a coat or I’m keeping my niece home with me but I’m not taking her out in 16-degree weather without a coat.
My sister didn’t see the message until 9 AM and she called me absolutely furious that I didn’t just take her to school. I told her that I was sick of going out of my way to take her daughter to school all the time and she couldn’t even give me the basic courtesy of making sure I had what I needed to get her to school.
This has caused a riff between us the last few days and the family is split about who is the jerk. I think this is clear everyone sucks – I’ll admit I was trying to be petty to teach her a lesson – but some people think my sister is basically innocent and I broke her trust.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Then the teacher has to either send the kid out for recess in freezing weather without a coat or keep her indoors and sacrifice their own short break time (and important exercise time for your niece).
This isn’t a minor thing.
Your sister and her ex need to make sure their kid has what they need to survive and thrive.
You already go above and beyond for them. If this is your line in the sand it’s a great place to draw it.
It’s a shame some of your family isn’t supporting you. Be consistent and stand up for that little cutie, and yourself, and her teachers.” Nemesis0408
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It wouldn’t be safe for you to bring a kindergartener outside in 16-degree weather without a coat.
You may have been trying to be petty – but you weren’t. You were specifically following the school’s rules. They weren’t happy with your niece showing up without a coat and would have also been upset. The school was telling them that you couldn’t bring her without a coat, and you were telling them you couldn’t bring her without a coat, and she didn’t have a coat, and you didn’t bring her.
That’s not even petty, cruel, snarky, or anything. That’s just the simple if-then algorithm of following the rules. You weren’t ALLOWED to take her without a coat. I mean, they would have let it slide, because what else could they do, especially since it wasn’t your fault, but you were doing what the school wanted you to do.” IanDOsmond
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and, to be honest, it seems like neglectful parenting on your sister’s part for even thinking it’s okay to send your niece to school in that weather without proper clothes.
Maybe once or twice if she genuinely forgot it would be ok to brush it off, but since this is happening enough for school administration to be getting involved? She needs to wake up.
Furthermore, your niece could end up getting seriously sick if she has to spend so much time in drastically cold weather without a coat. Hopefully, your sister and niece’s dad take their heads out of their butts for your niece’s sake.” OkMycologist7178
14. WIBTJ If I Don't Give Family Heirlooms To My Sister-In-Law?
“We are all ethnically South Asian, and it’s traditional for the groom’s parents (and sometimes other immediate family) to give gifts of gold to the bride.
I’ve been married into the family for 8 years. My BIL Adam got engaged a couple of months ago to a woman named Sarah he’s been with for like a year.
When I got married I wanted a specific engagement ring style, my husband wanted another, so my MIL gave me 2 0.5ct diamonds from one of her rings as a compromise so we could make a hybrid design. She told me this would count as part of the gift of gold.
I recently got a new ring as a combined birthday/anniversary/push present ‘upgrade’ and I tend to wear the new ring more.
Sarah is unhappy with the ring Adam got her. She came to me and said that as I don’t use my engagement ring anymore and since most of the stones are ‘heirlooms’ then she should have it.
This makes me very uncomfortable and I refused. I know for a fact that she is being gifted more gold than I am (by the exact same value as the diamonds in my band) so it’s not like she’s getting fewer gifts.
I also feel like that band was made for me and it’s still mine even if I don’t wear it daily.
GMIL also gave 2 each of her gold bangles to my husband, Adam, and their sister Zoe. For Adam and my husband, they’re meant to keep it in trust if they have daughters.
I was given permission to wear them but never have because I don’t feel it would be right.
So for those Sarah put me and Zoe in a chat and said she’d like to wear the set for her wedding so when could she pick them up? She also added that she was waiting for me to let her know about the ring.
I’ve never had a sister so I don’t know if it’s normal that I’m weirded out by this or if I would be the jerk for refusing. I do know that either way it’s going to cause drama and someone’s feelings to get hurt.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your future SIL is extremely greedy…
say NO now so things do not escalate further. The ring is your engagement ring, part of your gift of gold, not hers. I am afraid anything lent to her might not be returned to you, because someone so entitled as Sarah could just borrow them indefinitely…
Tell her that you would feel it is disrespectful to your husband mainly (and his family to a lesser degree) to so lightly do away with gifts given to you. Make a point of wearing them to the wedding. And have your husband back you up.” kcrazyandIknowit
Another User Comments:
“I think NTJ.
Don’t know your culture. But it seems like Sarah tries her hardest to get as much gold out of this engagement as she can. She got her part. And you don’t have to give her anything. You might lend her something if you think she will give it back – but then let her sign some form of paper, that she is only using it for the wedding and giving it back after.
So this might be too much drama, to begin with.
About the gold bangles. Does she want you all to wear them – could be a nice gesture. Or does she want to wear them alone? The same as the ring. You don’t have to give her anything.” Trevena_Ice
Another User Comments:
“No, no, no.
Sarah is acting entitled to your (YOUR) property, but that doesn’t make it true. She has no right, legally or morally, to demand YOUR jewelry. What if she decided to take your car since you don’t use it very much? How about your best coat? The same rules apply, here.
You still wear the ring sometimes, and besides, you plan to give it to your own child or daughter-in-law one day.
Any time she brings it up, respond with something like ‘I know, aren’t they lovely?! You are right, they are family heirlooms.
They are so sentimental to my husband and me. We are taking special care of these items so my children can inherit THEIR FAMILY HEIRLOOMS. I will be delighted to help you plan your bridal look or design your own ring with your items, though!’
NTJ.” Entire-Ad2058
13. AITJ For Not Allowing My Bridesmaid To Bring Her Baby To My Bachelorette Party?
“I (33f) am getting married in a little over six weeks. I announced my engagement last year in January and asked my best friends to be bridesmaids. One friend (Lucy, 32f) was already pregnant (would have a 6-month-old at the wedding), and a month or two after (Sarah, 33f) announced she was pregnant (would have a 3-month-old at the wedding) none of which bothered me in the slightest.
I requested the babies didn’t come to the ceremony but are more than welcome for the rest of the day.
Both babies have been born now and both Lucy and Sarah have been exclusively breastfeeding. Lucy has eventually managed to get her little one to feed from a bottle (this is off her own back with no pressure from me, I understand the children are young and it can be difficult to leave them for a full day) just in time for the hen party which is Saturday.
Sarah is having trouble with this and has announced that her SO will be around the bars we will be in with her baby so he can bring the baby to her to feed. I’m not sure this is appropriate and told her one bar specifically doesn’t allow children, to which she replied ‘Oh, SO will have to go next door then’.
Turns out she had planned for her SO and baby to be in the bars with us just at a different table. I told her if it’s that much stress for her maybe just come to lunch and then go home to her child.
She said that no, she doesn’t mind breastfeeding her at the bar and it will be fine.
The other bridesmaids and I were quite confused and said surely you’re not suggesting bringing your 2-month-old child to a hen party? I told her straight there would be drinking, swearing and god knows what else going on and it’s just not appropriate, which she took offense to and is now hardly talking to any of us.
My question is, was I too harsh? Is it okay for her SO to follow us around bars and restaurants with their baby? AITJ?
To be clear – she won’t be drinking at the bachelorette, so no problem with breastfeeding, and there’s no smoking in bars in our state.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – I mean, that doesn’t sound like much fun for her.
But I suppose if she wants to step away for a bit every few hours to feed her baby that’s not the worst thing in the world. Not saying breastfeeding/being a parent is a medical issue, but in this context, I would say it is similar to someone who has to step away to check their insulin every couple of hours – a pain for her but not a burden on anyone else.
It’s not as if she is planning on bringing the baby around with her in the stroller.
I can see why this might feel weird to you – knowing she may be distracted by this, having her SO as a semi-participant in the hen party.
But it honestly sounds like she tried to come up with the least intrusive way possible to still participate in the hen party while also caring for her child.
I can pretty much assure you that if this ends up being a problem for anyone, it is going to be her and her SO, not you or the rest of the party.
I doubt they will last more than a few places before this becomes too much for them or the baby.
To be honest – I am guessing that she is struggling right now. It is incredibly hard for people who are exclusively breastfeeding because it severely limits the amount of time they can have for themselves.
As much as she loves her baby, she is probably dying for some adult time.
I don’t think you need to change any of your plans for your hen party or alter your behavior in any way during the hen party to accommodate her plan, but I do think it would be gracious of you to tell her that if she wants to try and make this work that it is ok with you.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is a classic case of parents that want to do the same things they did before they were parents and impose their children on everyone else in places they shouldn’t be (like wineries and breweries). It would absolutely change the dynamic to have her SO at a different table in the same bar(s) with her baby.
If the baby is fussy, do you really think he’s not going to bring it over to her to soothe it? He can see you and you can see him. Definitely not a girl’s night, and understand that you don’t want a baby around when you want to act a fool.” User
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I see how maybe some of this doesn’t make sense to you (and also how having the baby or the SO around may even make you uncomfortable and not able to let go as much), but I also get her not wanting to miss out and thinking this is a good compromise.
Clearly, she does not want to skip out (which is sweet and also probably in part because she wants some adult fun) so maybe helping with some alternatives to what is proposed is best?
Baby in a bar (or several bars) for hours sounds like not fun all around, so maybe the SO can follow you with the baby in the car on your bar hopping (or even just go home and then head out to wherever you are when a feeding time comes up)? Having the car for this also maybe makes it better because your friend can feed in peace (and private if that matters) in the car and then catch up with you guys again.
Just a few thoughts, but I am sure that you guys can find some way to let Sarah attend the festivities while also keeping the baby fed.” TA_totellornottotell
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You don’t get to dictate what is happening in the whole bar, only the table you are at.
She found a solution that allows her to be there for most of your hen party without involving the kid in the hen party. Where her husband and baby are is none of your business. If they don’t have a problem bringing their baby to a bar, then why should you?
And for the record, I’m a teetotaler and see no problem bringing a 2-month-old to a bar. The baby is not going to pick up dirty words at that age. My only concern would be secondhand smoke, but in my state, smoking is banned even in bars.” etds3
12. AITJ For Sending Screenshots Of My Classmate's Breakdown?
“I (f23) am a film student and, like the rest of my cohort, am currently producing my final thesis film. One of my classmates Malcolm (m24) and I don’t get along. He is obsessed with me and believes me to be the reason for all his problems.
He makes everyone in our year uncomfortable, especially the women. He’s a fine filmmaker but interacting with him can be scary since he doesn’t care about consent. Without getting into details, last year Malcolm wouldn’t leave me alone and would blow up my phone with concerning messages where he admitted that he has an obsession with me.
When this happened, and he realized I was not going to engage in his behavior, he tried to peer pressure me into being his friend which backfired. Since he has imagined that our cohort is embroiled in some sort of civil war over what he did to me but no one else sees it that way.
He has no friends and is on the spectrum so I never tried to be mean to him. I advertised my cousin Anthony’s (m20) skills to my entire cohort, making it known that we were related too. Malcolm reached out to him.
Anthony knew a bit about the situation and said he would pull out anytime I wanted him to.
Last week, Malcolm sent a series of messages to the cohort’s group chat. He went off about me and my abhorrent behavior (me not wanting to be his friend).
It was clear he was having some sort of breakdown but I was just sick of him villainizing and obsessing over me. I went off on him and took screenshots of his ramblings and sent them to Anthony. He decided to back out of Malcolm’s film.
They were well into production and so now Malcolm’s film will be in jeopardy.
Malcolm’s behavior has now been put onto other people. The school is now getting involved and I had to tell my parents what has happened. They remember last year’s incident where Malcolm showed his obsession so my dad has told me to show him some compassion because everyone knows what it’s like to feel like no one likes you.
When I told him I sent screenshots of what Malcolm said to Anthony, my dad went ballistic and said I was the jerk for that. Malcolm is autistic and has no friends, but all of his problems are because of who he is as a person.
Being on the spectrum doesn’t make you unable to understand that no means no, right?
AITJ for sharing screenshots of my classmate’s breakdown over me?
Edit: My father explained that he’s mostly scared about what Malcolm will do in retaliation. He brought up having no friends as he feels Malcolm is getting to the point where he has nothing to lose.
He worries the school won’t do anything mainly because he is autistic and he is somewhat right. When I originally spoke to the school about this, they said his behavior was abhorrent but that he might not understand and that they’ve never dealt with a situation where the aggressor is on the spectrum and it will be a ‘learning experience for everyone.’ I don’t know what they will actually do.
I reported him last year, the school is only deciding to get involved now because it has escalated from phone calls/texts where he shares his delusions about me to what seems like threats to not just me but the entire cohort and faculty.
This has been ongoing for a year and never went beyond him being a creep with a fixation that no one took seriously. I have been in fear for a while and only now are the majority of people concerned for me.
He was given more than enough chances and my connecting him with Anthony was an olive branch, so I snapped at this point.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This bad behavior will only escalate if it’s not stopped. You’re not the only one who is uncomfortable around this guy and you have receipts of his harassment.
People need to stop bubble-wrapping autism. There are countless autistic people who function well in society. This guy is showing that he is not capable. Enabling him is a cop-out and it’s doing a disservice to everyone who has to deal with him and also a disservice to Malcolm himself.
This needs to be dealt with on a higher level. Your father needs to take a seat.” Fanfathor
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! As someone who’s gotten a restraining order this year because of an angry and aggressive man, you should get one. It’s not your job to emotionally coach him or make this a learning experience.
It’s your job to stay safe.
He is a threatening person and is losing his crap because he’s fixated on you. It doesn’t matter whether or not he has a disability, he is causing harm. I wouldn’t get a pass on stalking and trying to infiltrate someone’s life (who is scared of me and told me to back off) because I’m angry and don’t like it – just because I have a learning disability.
Being neurodivergent isn’t a free pass to committing crimes and terrorizing others!
This has been a habitual thing it seems, it’s not a one-off event. He has a fixation and obsession with you. That’s serious.
It’s NOT your job to take care of him or deal with him not having friends.
Maybe he’d have more friends if he didn’t terrorize random women!
Get a restraining order, and let the school do what it may. His behaviors will only escalate if he’s not hit with a wave of accountability. Also, stalking is illegal. His continued attempts to reach you (and the unhinged things he says) along with his pursuit of people who know you to get in touch with you should qualify as stalking.
You have a right to protect your own mental and physical well-being.
You should NOT be expected to be an unwilling Guinea pig for some improvised stalker-treatment program your school is facilitating. Especially when that requires you to put yourself at risk!! That’s absurd.
You’re not his psych team, his family, his doctor, or the disability office. You are there for your education!!! He is a threat to you and that’s all there is to it.
It’s a pattern of behavior, not some social flub or misunderstanding.
Repel the idea that you are obligated to coddle someone who’s targeting you and causing you emotional distress!
Think about how he will do this to others as his life continues because he will. You have a chance to both protect yourself and protect others he may target in the future.
It may be scary, and yes – there’s the possibility of him lashing out but he needs to hear from the law that this is not okay.
And frankly, it should become HIS problem to deal with, not yours. His problem and the school’s.
The restraining order would put the onus on them. Let the school know when you’ve received a restraining order and when it will get served. Say you expect your safety to be protected and expect the school’s support while you are being chronically stalked.
If the school wants to do some intervention to help him with autism or whatever, that’s on them. Not your problem, not your job!
Sorry this is happening to you.” No-Entertainer2130
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please talk to real police about this, not campus police.
Campus police usually try to ‘help’ the troubled student – in other words, the guy who’s making trouble. Save everything, show the police everything.
There’s no reason why you should keep this guy’s harassment private. You also don’t have to feel bad if something happens, such as he is forced to attend counseling sessions, gets a warning from the police, etc.
He’s old enough to know better than to behave this way. If he is high-functioning enough to go to school, he can also understand that he needs to leave people alone if they ask him to. You may be doing him a big favor by getting him in mild trouble now, or making him face mild legal consequences now, rather than something more severe later on when he actually does something or he gets beaten up by another woman’s friend/partner/family member.” SuLiaodai
11. AITJ For Putting Childproof Locks On The Stove?
“I (f19) live with my stepsister Nicole (f20). We live together in a small two-bedroom apartment whilst we both attend the same college. Our hometown is a small rural area that’s around a 3-hour drive away.
My dad married Nicole’s mother around 11 years ago.
Nicole and I know each other pretty well and have spent a lot of time together. We haven’t always gotten along (which siblings have?) but we do consider each other sisters.
Anyway, onto the story. So Nicole and I both got sick of dorms and moved in together around two months ago.
Back at home, Nicole never cooked for herself (not beyond microwave meals, anyway) and now that we’re both supposed to be living independently, she’s started cooking.
Nicole keeps ‘forgetting’ to turn off the stove or oven when she’s finished with them. At one point, this nearly caused a full-blown house fire when she forgot about the stove whilst a paper plate of hers had been left on top of it.
I kept gently reminding Nicole to turn off the oven/stove when she was done with them but she just doesn’t seem to listen. I even tried putting sticky notes around the kitchen to try to remind her.
Eventually, Nicole got irritated with the reminders and told me I’m treating her like a child.
I said I’m sorry if it came off that way but she needs to remember.
The problem has just kept persisting and a near miss with a house fire happened again when Nicole forgot about the stove, and she didn’t hear the smoke detector because she was blasting music on her AirPods.
Luckily I noticed it and was able to put it out.
I tried to have a talk with Nicole and told her this needs to stop. Nicole just got mad before I could even suggest anything and told me to get off her case.
She said I’m overreacting and that she ‘can handle it’. She refused to listen to anything I had to say and kept talking over me.
This has started to make me really anxious, especially when Nicole is home whilst I’m out.
I bought some plastic child locks for the knobs that control the stove and oven, and I placed them there.
I know Nicole can’t open child-proof stuff.
This way, she can’t use the stove or oven when I’m out of the house. When I’m home, I can make sure nothing bad happens. Nicole and I have similar class schedules so this shouldn’t inconvenience her too much.
Nicole went crazy when she noticed them and started screaming at me and told me I’m a control freak and bullying her. I yelled back at her and told her I wouldn’t be doing it if she could act like a responsible adult.
Nicole called me a jerk and said I have no business controlling when she gets to cook.
She’s now gone to a friend’s place and has blocked my phone number. My dad and stepmother got concerned after getting texts from Nicole and they keep messaging me about it, telling me I need to get Nicole to come back.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Wait. You bought child locks to stop a twenty-year-old woman and it worked? I’m blown away. She’s twenty and can’t open a child lock? That’s wild.
NTJ
If she wanted to not be treated like a child, she needs to not act like a child.
Habitually leaving the stove on and starting multiple house fires is dangerous and honestly, most children know better than that. She’s a danger to herself, you, your house, and all of your belongings.
Tell your dad and stepmom that you are not going to sit back and just allow her to burn your house down.
What if you were asleep and hadn’t heard the alarm until it was too late? She could have died or been injured, you could have died or been injured.
My dad was a firefighter and I’ve seen firsthand the damage stove/oven fires can do.
House fires are dangerous and to have someone with such disregard for safety living with you is dangerous.
I honestly don’t think child locks are enough. You need to move out. At some point, she will figure out how to get them off or do something else equally dangerous (metal in the microwave? the toaster?) and you will pay the price.
It is not worth living together if she is going to put your life in danger constantly.
Move out. If you can’t right now then you need to get insurance and be on alert at all times. Buy a fire blanket and make sure your fire extinguisher is within its expiry date and you know how it works.
Buy multiple fire extinguishers.” NJtoOx
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Nicole sucks for the way she has behaved. It sounds like she’s got some serious insecurities around her age/smarts, and when you bring up this problem, it brings these insecurities to the forefront for her.
This is her problem, and she needs to address it.
Childproofing the stove to control when she can use it is a jerk move. Sometimes, you have to let people drown a bit before they realize they need to sort their crap out.
Find a different roommate and let her flounder on her own.” RealUglyMF
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s not like you straight up took the knobs themselves. Unless she’s got something medically going on, there’s no reason she as a grown adult shouldn’t be able to figure out the child locks and use the stove.
And if there’s something medically going on making it so she can’t figure out child locks, then she probably shouldn’t be using the stove unsupervised anyway. She’s a safety hazard to herself, you, and the entire neighborhood. Fires don’t stay on the stove when you’re not standing right there with a way to put it out immediately.” girlikecupcake
10. AITJ For Being Harsh In Talking About My Roommate's Hygiene?
“I (26m) currently live in a rented apartment with my roommate (24m). Recently we’ve been running into some issues because of his grooming.
I occasionally noticed a funk coming off of him, and a few times it got bad enough to ask him to take a shower because it was distracting me and grossing me out.
He apologized and said he had a lessened sense of smell, which made him less likely to realize he needed a shower. Sounded kinda nonsense to me, but he showered, so I didn’t think anything of it.
Our apartment has two full bathrooms in the hallway, and I ordered a bidet for mine.
The other day, I was installing it, and he happened upon me doing so. He asked what it was for, and I explained. He chuckled, and said, ‘You gay guys are something else.’ I laughed and said, ‘It’s less invasive than toilet paper and more effective!’ and he laughed and said, ‘Yeah, but I don’t use that either!’
Something clicked in my head, and I asked him for clarification.
Apparently, he never wipes. He says he thinks it’s gross to ‘rub (his) butt with a piece of paper that doesn’t really do anything.’ He said no straight guy does, and it’s not a big deal. I asked what he does if he eats taco bell or something, and he said he just takes a shower.
I asked what if he was in a public bathroom? He says he waits until he gets home. I then asked if he washes his butt in the shower and he said that the soap from his back drips down and takes care of it.
At this point, I was basically gagging and told him he can’t sit on any of the furniture I pay for (which is most of it) until he wipes and washes his crusty butt.
He got mad and left after this, and I haven’t seen him since.
I called his SO to ask if she has heard from him, and she said he came over, and explained the situation, she got grossed out, and he left her place. I feel kinda bad for not viewing this as a ‘he doesn’t know the right way’ situation rather than the more antagonistic turn it took.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you seriously need to have a real conversation with your roommate and suggest he should talk to his doctor or a therapist. This is not normal behavior for any person and yes his SO definitely needed to know.
We are all taught from a young age how to clean ourselves not only to prevent odors but also to stop spreading diseases. His lack of erm cleanliness is not only unsanitary, but he is a walking biohazard.
Fecal matter can spread diseases, from simple pink eye or worse.
Not only that, on the chance there are blood particles in his poo it can become medical waste you are exposing yourself to.
Not allowing him on any of your furniture is a bare minimum as he is creating a biohazard for your furniture.
Keep in mind, this includes any shared washers and dryers if applicable. If he isn’t cleaning himself, you know he’s not washing the poo from his pants properly. This in turn is spreading to your clothes or bedding if the tubs are not sanitized between uses.
I suggest it’s time to look for a new roommate and have all your furniture sanitized. Your household cleaners are not going to cut it. You’ll need industrial strength to clean your stuff.
This is just nasty.
Good luck.” Comfortable-Set-819
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your roommate is feral.
Absolutely feral.
This man is in his mid 20s and thinks it’s gay to clean your own body? This isn’t a ‘he doesn’t know the right way’ situation. He knows the right way to not be nasty and he chooses not to do it because he thinks it’s gay.
I’d also be banning him from sitting on my furniture, but also touching anything I own because if he doesn’t wash his poopy butt he probably doesn’t wash his hands either. Literal children have better hygiene habits than this grown adult.
Your roommate belongs in a zoo.” False-Guess
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s simply a jerk for being filthy. At 24, he has to have some idea of basic cleanliness that he’s ignoring or thinks doesn’t apply to him. Gym class, habits of family/friends, comments, the fact there’s likely toilet paper in every restroom he’s ever been in, etc.
I don’t think it would be reasonable for you to assume ‘he doesn’t know the right way.’ Even his (former) SO didn’t assume that – it was gross to her as well. Perhaps her views and yours will lead him to the soap, but it sounds like he’s pretty entrenched in his views.” BefuddledPolydactyls
9. AITJ For Ordering Food When My Kids Are Asleep?
“Occasionally when my 4 children go to bed I’ll order myself a little something from Ubereats or doordash after a hard day so I don’t have to share with the kiddos.
Usually, since I’m always the first one to wake up I’ll put the packing beside the indoor trashcan and take it out to the outdoor trash can in the morning.
My children ended up waking up first that morning and saw the takeout food packaging and ended up waking me up asking me what I ate and if they could have some. I told them there was none left and I ate it all last night.
I thought that would be the end of it but after I dropped them off at their dad’s for the week (my children stay at their dad’s house 1 week out of the month rather than just doing weekends) my children’s father ended up spamming my phone with text messages accusing me of misappropriating my children funds he sends every month.
My CF (children’s father) gives me 100$ for each child a month which is 400$ a month which when it comes to it, it isn’t much but I’m fine with it because he usually makes up with it by buying the children what they need when an issue arises.
For your information, nothing is court-ordered.
I have a job as a daycare worker and use my own money I make myself to buy Ubereats/Doordash food.
He also accused me of being a bad mother because I rather order food for just myself without thinking of my children who were with me at the time and that I should’ve just waited until they were with him for the night.
I had a really bad day that day and just wanted to do something to cheer myself up and sometimes food does the trick for me.
If I were to order something for everyone it would’ve cost a whole lot of money that I wasn’t interested in spending and if I were to share by the time my food got back to me it would’ve just been the food wrapper.
So do y’all think I’m the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for ordering food for yourself at all.
Soft YTJ for not having decent child support arrangements. There is a reason child support is easy to calculate (most states have calculators that very quickly give you an idea of what it should be).
I am sorry but no incidentals make up for a measly $400 a month for 4 kids. You realize the ones that are hurting because of lack of child support are your children. Especially if they are with you 75% of the time.
Please do what’s right for your kids here. You are depriving your children of much-needed support.” DCEtada
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your ex needs to mind his business. I know $400 probably doesn’t even cover a month of groceries for 4 kids, your food isn’t part of that and it’s not his business.
It’s totally normal for parents to have their own food when kids aren’t there, and I’d say it’s pretty important for your mental health sometimes to have something for yourself for once. He’s trying to control what you eat and that’s not ok.
And why is nothing court-ordered? Girl you have four kids with this man, it needs to be court mandated and it needs to be more than 400.” Strange_Salamander33
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to have a talk with your children about why you do this.
There is no harm in it. They are not entitled to every little thing you have. Also, talk with your ex. What you do in your home is none of his business. How you spend your money is not his business.
If need be go through the courts from now on. His attitude about the funds he gives to your children seems to come with conditions. Don’t put up with it. Also messaging can go through the courts. He has no right to spam your phone about anything. Stand up for yourself. Also, save those messages and receipts. They will come in handy.” Kimchilover30
8. AITJ For Leaving The Kids With My Husband For Longer Than Expected?
“I do SCA (society for creative anachronism – historical medieval re-enactment, it’s a wonderful hobby filled with amazing people and many talents – I personally am a fighter and I am working on learning to sew tunics and medieval clothing) – and anyone there knows most anything we plan runs on SCA time, not real-time.
We try our best but – we’re usually a little behind. My husband doesn’t do SCA and anytime I bring him to anything SCA-related he whines, his back hurts, he insults my friends, and because of this is no longer welcomed at some of their houses.
I’m 25f he’s 32m we have 2 kids – I’m the only one that works. I work overnights. We’re behind on housework in the sense that our kids are toddlers and no matter how much I clean, yes I clean he doesn’t, it’s always dirty.
I had to make a run for a new tent and get my sewing machine repaired the other day – the only person I know that could do this lives 2 hours away. So over a week ago, I told my husband of the plan to get this done on x date.
That I had no idea how long it would take but I’d get home ASAP. Due to life stuff, I didn’t get a chance to leave till 12:30 pm so I didn’t get to my friend’s house till 2:30ish.
We had to get the tent out of storage (I know that’s a pain but no big deal) and then check and make sure there are no holes or anything in it – think a big canvas tent with poles for medieval re-enactment.
After that is done and all repacked away we start on the sewing machine – by this time it’s about 6:30 o clock – we finish at about 7 – I hit the road and get home at 9.
Husband is mad – says I lied and that’s not where I was – says I have a 4-hour gap in my time that doesn’t make any sense I have no proof about what I was actually doing.
A fight ensues, it comes out that he is upset because he says I left him with the kids for 4 hours and didn’t tell him where I was really going. – he said I wouldn’t have done this if he were a random babysitter – but he is their father, we’re married, they were at home,
I never lied, I was at my friend’s, I was getting a tent and fixing a sewing machine.
Now, my MIL is saying I’m having an affair. He’s spiraling into some crazy crap. And I am wondering if I am the jerk in this situation.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in this situation, but you will be one to yourself and your kids if you stay in this mess.
He is doing nothing, doesn’t work, doesn’t do housework, and if you aren’t around, he is annoyed by the fact that he has to take care of his own kids. More than that, he is also controlling and jealous. You went out to do what you needed/wanted to do.
He doesn’t have to know. Both he and his mom are the jerks.” ElchMoose
Another User Comments:
“No, you are not the jerk in this situation. You communicated your plans to your husband ahead of time, and while you didn’t know exactly how long it would take, you made it clear that you would return as soon as possible.
It’s unfortunate that your husband is not supportive of your work. It’s also unfair for him to accuse you of lying when you were simply taking care of important tasks.
As for leaving your kids with your husband, he is their father and it’s his responsibility to care for them when you’re not there.
Also, Your MIL’s accusations of having an affair are baseless and unfounded. It’s important for you and your husband to communicate and address these issues calmly and respectfully.” Katherine_jone
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He brings nothing to the relationship and he knows he doesn’t, so all he can do is exert control over you to try and keep you tethered to you as a working asset, that doesn’t go off and leave him.
He is terrified that if he doesn’t keep you unbalanced you will realize he is a deadbeat. You need to start giving him chores and other stuff to do to start pulling his weight in the relationship, or you are going to have to kick him to the curb. If you do not feel safe in your gut, go, take the kids, and don’t delay. I’ve known women who decide to delay by just one day after their gut tells them to go…” NovelRemarkable7136
7. AITJ For Outing My Cousin?
“Last week, I (22M) was talking to a friend (22M) who had recently been dumped by his SO who ended up going out with my cousin (24M) and I was laughing at what happened. During the conversation, I told my friend that this ex was my cousin’s first time being with a girl since he transitioned about 4 years ago.
He acted weird and had a confused look on his face. He was very surprised as he did not know that my cousin was trans. I thought this was weird as he had worked with my cousin for 2 years at a restaurant and he always told me how close they were.
For context, my cousin had documented his entire transition (female to male) on his social media where he posted many updates on testosterone. He had even posted a picture of himself post-top surgery. I thought that my friend had seen these posts (since they are both pretty active on social media) and did not know that he didn’t.
For your information, his page was public so anybody could look up my cousin’s name and find it.
A few days later I get a call from my cousin yelling at me for outing him. Without me knowing, my friend had told a lot of other people that my cousin was trans and some of his homophobic friends were harassing my cousin.
I tried to tell my cousin that I thought everyone knew since he posted the whole transition, but he told me that he deleted that page a couple of months ago. So we got into an argument over how the ‘internet is forever’ and how he never reached out to tell me that he wanted to keep his transition a secret.
Now, my aunt and other family are mad at me and my cousin and I are not on speaking terms. And to make it worse he is boycotting our grandmother’s funeral since he’s so mad at me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for the way you reacted defensively.
If the conversation had gone differently I’d say otherwise.
It was unintentional and you were not at fault. The ‘internet is forever’ argument is where you became the jerk. You could have handled that with a lot more sympathy and understanding but instead became defensive.
Being outed is extremely difficult, especially with everything going on against the LGBT community right now.
It was a simple mistake but at the end of the day ‘since he transitioned’ should never have left your mouth, to begin with, public knowledge or not.
I do understand how easily that can accidentally occur though, which is why the resulting conversation is what made you the jerk.
As for what to do now all you can do is apologize, admit you were wrong, and try to mend the relationship.
Let this be a lesson that people’s personal identities are exactly that, personal. Whether you think someone knows or not who someone was in the past, it’s in the past and should be left there. Trying to defend your mistake instead of immediately apologizing and trying to make amends while knowing their whole life has been upturned and they are being harassed due to your mistake is a jerk move.” Jestafurry
Another User Comments:
“Very soft YTJ, not for the accidental outing but for your reaction.
Right now is a tough time for trans folks and it’s only getting worse, so it’s likely your cousin is afraid for his safety so went stealth rather than out. While you didn’t know that, which is fine, it’s worth pausing and paying attention to the climate your cousin is trying to exist in.
Here’s the thing, actions have consequences, including unintentional ones. You are responsible for those consequences no matter what. You made a mistake and it sucks, but as you aren’t the one facing threats just for existing, I think it’s in you to be the peacemaker here.
Take a deep breath, then go and apologize along the lines of, ‘I am sorry I accidentally outed you and that the result is threats and harassment. That was never my intention and it’s unacceptable that you are facing this as a result of my words.
With your permission, I am going to talk to Mutual Friend and tell him and his peeps to back off and end the friendship. What else can I do to mitigate any harm I caused?'” PettyTrashPanda
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and especially for your reaction to the situation.
I’m trans and I wouldn’t expect having to ‘reach out’ to every single person I know that ‘hey by the way I deleted my social media because I don’t want people to know I’m trans, so could you keep that a secret?’ I would expect them to simply respect and understand that it’s a sensitive topic that’s not theirs to bring up in general.
But ESPECIALLY given the current climate.
Also, not everyone searches for people they know on social media. Your cousin may have told your friend that he’s not on social media.
Seriously, you didn’t mean any harm but is it so hard to accept that what you did hurt him and continues to hurt him and that he has good reasons to be upset with you? It’s not your place to bring up his transition or his life, especially to a person that has obvious reasons to want to use it against him.
But your reaction is honestly the worst. ‘The internet is forever’, ‘He didn’t reach out and tell me!’ You’re way out of line. Absolutely mental to me that you even defend yourself in such a childish way instead of apologizing.” bye_scrub
6. AITJ For Reporting My Neighbors To CPS?
“I live in an apartment with my fiance. About 5 months ago we got new neighbors. From the beginning, they were terrible neighbors. They left trash in the hallway, played loud music past 1 am, and argued constantly. Most of that I was willing to ignore because we live in apartments.
It’s, unfortunately, to be expected aside from the late-night music. The walls are fairly soundproof so most of the time the noise is not the worst thing in the world. The landlords have talked to them and they had become more reasonable.
However, they have two small children maybe around 5 and 6 if I had to guess and their children scream. All. Day. They scream and cry and fight with each other and the parents do nothing to stop them. I understand they are children but it cannot be good for them to be screaming like that constantly.
It always seemed weird to me that there is rarely a quiet moment.
We’ve asked them several times politely to get them to stop but they never put a lot of effort into silencing their kids. We’ve contacted the office and have called the cops on really bad nights but it still doesn’t let up.
Well, enough was enough. My hours recently changed to mornings and while my work schedule and getting sleep are not their concern, I should be allowed to expect to have a quiet night and neighborhood.
Around 3 AM, 2 hours before I had to get up, their kids started yelling (which has happened before on multiple occasions).
I could hear them running around and banging spoons or something on pots and pans, which is almost a daily occurrence. The mother screamed at them to ‘shut up!’ But they didn’t stop. So I called CPS and told them I suspected they were being mistreated, which honestly was not a lie because it was concerning the amount of screaming coming from that house.
I suspect they may have had the kids taken as for the past week there have been no screams from the kids. I told my fiance what I did and he thinks I shouldn’t have done it. I asked some of our friends and my parents and they all say the same thing.
I should have sucked it up and minded my own business. I didn’t think I did anything wrong, but I feel that if their parents cared about them they wouldn’t let them behave like that. So AITJ?
I want to clarify that things have been like this from the beginning.
Their children have been like this since day one it is nothing new to anybody.
I also want to clarify that I have only seen these children once when they moved in which in my mind has always been a red flag.
I never called CPS before because I never heard them being mistreated or anything just their mother occasionally shouting at them, so I never knew for sure. I don’t know the home situation, but everything from the very beginning did always seem very odd.
I never hear them leave the apartment when I’m home on my off days (I have rotating off days) and I don’t know what kind of jobs the parents have. I don’t know a lot about CPS if I’m honest but I always thought they would do something if something needed to be done.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It may have been correct to call CPS, but you clearly didn’t do any research beforehand.
You must understand that it’s a possibility that the kids could be forcibly removed, an act of state violence, and that time spent in ‘the system” can be incredibly traumatic for children. That may be better than the situation they were in, but, do you trust CPS in your state? Do they have a good track record? Do you trust they would try lesser interventions to create a better home environment for the children before jumping right to removal if the environment was safe?
YTJ because you didn’t think about any of this, it was a somewhat flippant decision, with some air of vindictiveness.
I don’t really buy that you did that out of genuine concern for the children.
The party to direct your grievances to is the landlord, not the family or anyone else. The landlord isn’t providing a livable residence, so it would be appropriate to withhold rent in an escrow account (possibly even paying for hotel stays from that account) until the issue is rectified and the residence is livable.
The landlord might try to build a nuisance case against your neighbors to evict them or might install more soundproofing, or whatever, not your business.” jimjamj
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Contrary to what people may believe, CPS doesn’t actually want to remove children from their homes.
So if they really did get taken away, it was almost certainly for good reason.
The common attitude of ‘mind your business’ is why so many mistreated children never get the help they deserve. It takes someone to actually stand up and say something for anything to happen.
You did the right thing, and you did a good thing if it ends up helping those kids.” Yoda2000675
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. If CPS took the kids it was serious neglect and/or mistreatment, making them jerks. The noise also makes them inconsiderate neighbors.
That being said your story is far more focused on the noise than the potential mistreatment. Additionally, your fiance, who also lives in the apartment, didn’t have any concerns. For that reason, I conclude that your main reason for calling CPS was to hopefully scare your neighbors into making the kids quiet, and actual concern for the kids was secondary and possibly a justification.
While your actions may have resulted in good (assuming you are correct that CPS removed the kids), your motivations make you a jerk in my opinion.” Free_Ad_7708
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. First of all, you told CPS you suspected they were being mistreated by only seeing the kids ONCE.
If you had told CPS that the children scream and fight that might have been a different story, but you HAVE to be honest about what you know. Did you hear them screaming for help? Did you hear them saying ‘ow’, or ‘don’t hurt me?’ You could have ruined the lives of a family because of noise.
All children scream and if you don’t like that, you need to live unattached to other people. Also, all towns have a sound ordinance, so you could have kept calling the cops if it was loud past a certain hour (usually 9 or 10 pm).
If the cops felt like the children were unsafe then they would have referred the family to CPS. You could have also called the nonemergency line to the police department and explained your citation and asked for advice. They might have taken the next step for you.
CPS should always be a last resort.” Suspicious_Gap_9178
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You called CPS because you didn’t like hearing the kids fight. The police wouldn’t do anything. To me, this says that the kids were not in any imminent danger. They were just loud.
The parents, however, were not parenting to the best of a satisfactory parent’s ability.
The thing about CPS removing kids from their homes is: It’s traumatic for the kids. The siblings may not be placed together. They may not be placed in a safe foster home. It is common for kids in foster care to be mistreated or even trafficked. Calling CPS really should be the last resort, and used only when the kids are in imminent danger.” Rredhead926
Not only is it a legal obligation to report suspected jerk or neglect do you also not consider it a moral obligation to protect the most vulnerable of the population?
Mind your own business? Or protect the child? Come on man. Make the right choice.
5. AITJ For Wanting My Stepkids To Help With House Chores?
“I have an 8-year-old son with my ex-husband and my husband has an 11-year-old son and a 14-year-old daughter with his ex-wife.
My son is helpful and independent and has a chore chart. He does all his own self-care chores; tidies and cleans his own room, does his own laundry, and makes his own snacks, lunch, and breakfast.
He also does a lot of household chores; loading/unloading the dishwasher, feeding the dog, helping make dinner, etc. My stepchildren are less inclined to help around the house or even do their own personal chores.
For the most part, my husband and I raise our own kids and have firm boundaries about disciplining and parenting each other’s kids.
I have a good relationship with my stepkids. If I ask my stepchildren to do certain chores they will sometimes do it and other times they’ll say they’ll do it later and never get back to it. This often ends up with me having to nag them or do it myself.
My husband will rarely ask his kids to do any chores. He won’t even make them do their own laundry and does it himself, sometimes I have to do it because it gets so backed up, and they don’t have any clean clothes to wear.
The 11-year-old’s room is always a mess and I regularly have to go in there to get dirty cups and plates. In December I got so sick of the state of it, I made my stepson help me clean and tidy.
Later that day my husband came home from work, and we had been cleaning for over an hour, he essentially told me it wasn’t my business to make his son clean his room. He said it was his space and he was able to treat it how he likes.
I am tired of having to do so much of the housework when it would be quicker and easier for the kids to pitch in more. My husband does do some housework but as he works full-time and I only work part-time, I take on the bulk of it.
Recently, I asked my husband if we could get together as a family and make a chore chart for all the kids so that his kids can take on some extra responsibility. I even wanted to make it so the kids could earn rewards for doing extra chores to give them an incentive.
He was against this. While I believe that chores are an important way to contribute to the family unit and learn necessary skills for adulthood, my husband doesn’t agree. He was raised in a very strict home and both he and his ex-wife believe in more free-range parenting for their kids.
He thinks kids shouldn’t be burdened with any chores and that he doesn’t want his kids to spend their limited free time doing chores that don’t interest them. He also doesn’t think it will be hard for them to pick up the skills later in life.
He thinks I’m a jerk for continuing to bring up his kids doing chores and that if I do make them do more chores, they’ll just want to spend more time at their mom’s house. He told me I’d be in danger of becoming a stereotypical wicked stepmother if I push chores on the kids.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: I know many people are saying the opposite but I can understand where you’re coming from.
It sounds like this started to become a topic of concern when you began to feel an obligation of cleaning your stepchildren’s spaces when it looks dirty.
YOU are having the responsibility of removing items such as dishes that should only be in the common area (kitchen/dining room).
I do not think your way of parenting is wrong because you are teaching your child to respect where they live (his personal space & shared spaces) and how to function as a unit.
Maybe instead of suggesting a chore list, state that there needs to be an added house rule that items, such as dishes, that are supposed to be found in shared spaces CANNOT enter personal spaces to avoid having to retrieve them.
This should allow you to avoid ever entering your stepchildren’s personal spaces and therefore avoid feeling the obligation to clean their rooms. Because you should NOT be cleaning their rooms unless they ask for genuine help.” big_shlong_101
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Primarily because your 8-year-old does more chores than most teenagers do.
That’s not age appropriate.
Also, if you don’t want to do chores for your stepchildren, then don’t. If their clothes ‘back up’ in the laundry room, put the dirty clothes back in their rooms (in hampers or whatnot of course, not where they might mistakenly think they’re clean).
They’ll figure it out. If they don’t, then I guess they’ll have to wear dirty clothes.
Unfortunately, for the dishes, you’re kind of stuck with that part because obviously everyone will need to use dishes.
Also, the partner who works less (or not at all) has the obligation to take on more of the housework.
That’s just fair. It sounds as if you want everyone but you to do housework.” canvasshoes2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but also not a battle you can win. You can’t control what he or they do, but you can absolutely control what you do.
Stop doing their laundry, making their lunches or snacks, or the other chores that are just about them. Let your husband know you will help them do those things, but you won’t be doing it for them. If they have no clean clothes, that’s not your problem.
If their rooms are messy, shut the doors. If they don’t bring dishes down, they need to use paper plates only or not have food in their rooms. If your husband wants things done but not for them to do them, he can pick up the slack.
It won’t help them learn the skills, but it may assuage your frustrations.” Internal_Progress404
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I think I can speak for MANY spouses, partners, and college roommates when I say… teach the children to be clean and tidy now…
otherwise, WE have to teach your adult child and their lack of skills will burden others that have to live with them… No one likes ants/roaches. Every kid should have a basic rotating chore list to keep their space and common rooms tidied, vacuumed/swept, and wiped down.
However… I do worry that you have an awful lot of work on the chore list for a 2nd-3rd grader to be responsible for. His chore list sounds more appropriate for an older teenager/young adult living at home. He’s gaining valuable skills for sure, just be careful that he doesn’t become ‘mom #2’ because the other kids aren’t helping/won’t help. The little guy never signed up to be a housewife. Good luck!” rugdg13
4. AITJ For Telling My Fiancé To Move On From The Past?
“My (F,29) fiancé (M,30) and I are planning our wedding at the moment and organizing our wedding guest list. But my fiancé has put his foot down about inviting my brother because he hates my SIL.
Back in the 90s, my SIL and Fiancé went to the same elementary school, where my SIL bullied him.
Basically what happened was that my SIL brought a ball to school to play with, and my Fiancé threw that ball on the roof by accident during a game at recess. The teachers refused to get it down because going up on the roof was a hazard.
My SIL was upset at this and excluded by Fiancé from ever being allowed to play with her or her friends ever again. I’ve gotten both sides of the story, my SIL barely remembers it since they were like 6 when it happened.
The worst it got (from my fiancé’s story) was literally just him being cut off from the friendship group of like 12 kids out of a grade of over 100 and being called a slur. It was for less than 6 months too as his parents moved him to another school because his dad got a job in another city.
My SIL apologized after I informed her about how hurt my fiancé was about that event, and my SIL is genuinely a great woman. This was clearly dumb children slap fighting, and I’m baffled why my fiancé is still bringing this up.
He is refusing to allow my brother to come to our wedding because SIL will obviously be in attendance. I won’t lie, his weird fixation on this event and refusal to budge are making me reconsider marrying him.
So, am I in the wrong? Am I the jerk that is missing some giant trauma flag?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is literally a stupid thing to hold this grudge over. I was expecting him to have been bullied for years in high school. They were six. He obviously was very hurt by it then for him to hold onto it this long, but there is a standard of reasonableness when it comes to stuff like this.
This is a hill to die on. What’s next? We can’t go to family Thanksgiving? Christmas? Parents’ anniversaries? No.
Not only does he need to agree to the invitation, but he also needs to forgive SIL and move on so you can have the life together you want.
If he cannot do that now, I would peace out of the relationship. I’d have no interest in being married to someone who wants to drive a wedge in the middle of my family over something like this.” moviewriter1336
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I say this as someone who suffered horrendous bullying from ages 5-18 and will always stand up for those who have been bullied…
Your fiance stole your SIL’s property at school and effectively destroyed it by making it unobtainable. Your SIL was rightly upset about her property being disrespected and set a boundary that she didn’t wish to interact with your fiance – who could blame her? Whilst yes, it might’ve been overboard to tell the other kids to exclude him, the other kids had the choice as to whether to go along with this.
These kids were all 6 years old. 6… it wasn’t relentless high school bullying by teens who should know better… it was a little girl who didn’t want to play with her thief (who, you could argue, actually bullied her first).
Many years later, your SIL even apologized, when she really and truly didn’t have to. She became the bigger person, despite being the initial victim herself. Yet, your fiance seems to be eager on excluding her from the family, which she became part of first.
Your fiance will not stop at excluding them from the wedding. This will extend to other family events such as birthday parties, family religious events, Thanksgiving (if you are from the US), and so forth. The boy who stole the little girl’s ball is now a grown man trying to steal her family.
Your fiance is one huge red flag and I’d honestly consider putting the wedding on hold until he gets some therapy, or ending the relationship if he refuses to do so. He holds onto minor grudges so easily, I’d hate to see how he would react if you accidentally overcooked his dinner or accidentally bumped into him…” majesticjewnicorn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
They were kids at the time, and she’s apologized since then. His treating her like this as an adult is at least as mean as whatever she did while they were children, and far less understandable (we give kids patience with this stuff for a reason).
Maybe he needs therapy to see what a hypocrite he’s being. Had his feelings hurt for being socially excluded back in the day, so his response is to socially exclude a grown woman (who, again, apologized) for revenge.
Either he’s extremely petty, or he has real issues with being able to maturely handle some of life’s cruelties. I don’t think you’re overreacting by questioning whether you want to marry such a man.” Allnumber2
3. AITJ For Convincing My Dad To Buy A Toilet?
“My parents are well off enough that they can make considerable purchases without really needing to discuss it with each other like my dad will often just get sick of his car and randomly trade it in or just randomly get a second one.
My mom will just buy stuff and randomly book trips etc.
I know my dad can sometimes just see something on tv and decide he wants it. So the other day when I knew he was about to be coming downstairs I put on the South Park episode with the Japanese toilets and made sure he saw it and he sat down and watched the whole thing with me and goes ‘you can get those at Home Depot?’
Anyway, my mom is mad at me now because there are people about to show up to install a toilet that cost several grand, and says I’m the jerk for getting the idea in his head once she found out about what happened and that I was the one who initially wanted it.
AITJ for wanting a clean butt?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Kids have been doing this since time immemorial, when you don’t have the means to hop in a car and go to buy something for yourself you find other methods lol. Your mom probably isn’t upset about the cost, just the disruption, but she’ll get over it quickly.
And she shouldn’t be upset at you at all, he’s responsible for his own decisions. Parents have been seeing through their kid’s crap and saying ‘no’ since time immemorial too. In the end, you’ll all be happier with cleaner butts.” lo-fi_username
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your dad is a grown-up adult who can make his own financial decisions be they good or bad.
Your mom is a jerk for making you feel like it’s your fault your dad wants to spray water up his butt too.
Simply showing someone an ad, even if you know they’re an impulse buyer, doesn’t make it your fault unless your dad is not mentally fit to consent to such purchases and needs a power of attorney.
Your dad thought the toilet was cool. Your dad decided he couldn’t live without one. Your dad of sound mind and mental clarity decided to purchase it for himself to use. You are not your dad’s keeper, babysitter, or financial authority. If your mom has issues with his purchases, that is between her & him and they should leave you out of it.” dragongirlluv
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Shave My Beard For My Nephew's Wedding?
“About three months ago I was invited to my nephew’s wedding which is gonna take place next week. I’m happy for him and all but the thing is his fiancee. She ain’t exactly the easiest to love or to bond with.
Of course, I can’t speak for the rest of the family but personally, I don’t like her. Constantly going after me and how I do stuff. I have many examples but here are a few.
The first time I met her was when I invited my family over for dinner.
She showed up without notice and just presented herself as my nephew’s SO although he hadn’t come. She spent the whole evening criticizing how I cooked and how messy my house was.
At family reunions, she would always say something about me.
Either my clothes were dirty and I should go home and change. How inappropriate it was to drink one beer in front of children. The whole thing was without a stop. Even going as far as telling my family members not to include me during family activities.
Now to the main thing, now that the wedding is right around the corner, they’ve been making sure everything goes as planned but there’s been an inconvenience. After running short on money, they’ve been trying to look for a place for their honeymoon and they eventually asked me for my cabin.
Which I accepted although for a short time. While talking about it they also wanted to ask me something else. The wedding was during Lent which is a catholic ‘holiday’ to grossly simplify. Apart from much other stuff, there’s also an oath.
During this time I and many family members do a promise to not do something we love for the whole lent which is 40 days. My oath is to not shave my beard during this whole time period. This is something I’ve been doing for almost all my life starting when I was 15.
I don’t know if other people do it but it’s something we do.
The thing is that she wants me to shave my beard. Saying ‘it just looks bad, and I don’t want people thinking that there’s a hobo at my wedding’.
Straight up, nothing else but that. I denied it saying how important it is to me. We went on a full argument which ended up with her putting an ultimatum saying that she wouldn’t invite me if I didn’t shave it.
I said I wouldn’t lend them my cabin if I wasn’t invited. Which made the whole thing even worse. Finally, I kicked them out of my house. Yes, my nephew was there but he never spoke up. So please be sincere how did I react?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your beard and your face are YOURS.
Nobody on Earth should be trying to control how you look or how you present yourself. If there was a color scheme in the wedding and you went outside of it, that would be a different story. But your beard is doing nothing at all to harm anyone or to change anything significant about the wedding.
I’m an ex-Catholic, but I understand how important Lenten promises can be. I would never ask anyone to break their promise, even if I don’t understand it personally.
And on top of all of that, from what you’ve told us, it seems like the fiancée has it out for you.
It’s very childish and silly of her to victimize herself in all of this at the risk of your relationship with your nephew.” ravenclawmystic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you did exactly right. Your body, your beard, your decision about shaving or not.
She sounds like she has no respect for you whatsoever – if it wasn’t for the beard, I’m sure it would have been something else (the clothes you intended to wear weren’t clean/stylish enough, etc.).
It’s amazing that they (she counts for both of them since your nephew doesn’t speak up) think they can use your property while uninviting you to the event! You handled it right.
There is no way you should lend them your cabin if you are 1) not invited, or 2) even invited, but still disrespected in how you’re treated.” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but Lent is when you’re supposed to give up something, make a sacrifice – like not drinking beer for all 4 weeks.
It sounds like ‘not shaving your beard’ was a way of giving up something you hated anyway.
All the same, she is one of those people who has decided that for her photos she needs the best turned-out family and guests according to her rule.
It’s a good thing you’re not a woman or she might tell you that you have to wear a dress, which colors it has to be, what shade of makeup and how high your heels are, and how long your nails (with color cards to facilitate all the relevant purchases).” Fancy_Avocado7497
1. AITJ For Declining My In-Laws' Offer To Pay For Us To Attend My BIL's Destination Wedding?
“My husband’s brother is getting married overseas in 5 months and we looked at the flight and lodging costs and just can’t afford it. Even if we had the money we probably still won’t go since it’s a LOT of money to spend for only a few days and we have a mortgage with very high-interest rates.
The bride and groom themselves specified in their invitations that they’d understand if people can’t go because it is quite an expense since it’s not all-inclusive and the guests will literally have to pay for everything other than probably the wedding dinner.
My parents-in-law are obviously going and have already decided they’d also pay for flights and lodging for their other son and his child because they wouldn’t be able to go otherwise.
When we told my parents-in-law we weren’t going, they offered to pay for us as well.
Now, my MIL and FIL are not exactly well off and are only a few years off retirement. They just have their little life savings and based on the estimates, will probably already need to spend around $10k+ for just the 4 of them.
My husband and I don’t really want to add to their financial burden. We don’t begrudge the other brother for getting his expenses all paid for since he does really struggle as a single dad and he and his little son deserve a decent holiday.
For me and my husband though, we’re just happy to celebrate the wedding on Zoom.
Of course, our parents-in-law didn’t take this news lightly and would constantly message/ring us in order to guilt trip us into going since it would really upset them if we don’t.
While talking to my MIL the other day, we accidentally found out that the bride and groom called us ungrateful for refusing the offer which really upset my husband.
AITJ for not wanting to go to my BIL’s destination wedding and declining my MIL/FIL’s offer to pay for us?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I personally think destination weddings are selfish and self-serving… a way to invite a ton of people (and therefore putting on a perceived obligation to send a gift) but not actually having to host them.
It’s not just the expense. Most people don’t have unlimited PTO or vacation time.
When you decide to have a destination wedding, you are basically deciding how people will use their precious time off. Sorry, someone else’s wedding doesn’t sound like my idea of a vacation.
It is not ungrateful to not want someone squandering their savings for your sake.
If the bride and groom want you there so badly, they either need to move the wedding back stateside or pay your expense themselves. It’s the risk you take when you choose to have your wedding far away from your family.” Glass_Status_5837
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I understand that MIL/FIL are perceived as not being ‘well off,’ but this is also a topic that I’d refer to as the MIL/FIL handling things that ‘fall under their roof.’ Meaning, their money is their business, and they’re allowed to make their own decisions in that regard.
MIL/FIL decided that they were comfortable with offering to pay for you and your husband. If you guys are overriding the decision that they made regarding their own finances (i.e. not taking up their offer because it’s ‘too expensive’ or other comparable statements on your end, despite the financial burden not being yours to decide upon in this scenario), I think that could come off as a bit jerkish (despite your hearts being in the right place).
If you’re stating that you won’t be attending without any mention of finances (and based on criteria that fall under ‘your roof’), I don’t think it’ll be received well within the family (is what it is/crap happens at that point), but I wouldn’t view that as you guys being jerks in that situation.” LtDan281
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your in-laws’ finances are theirs to spend or save, it’s true.
However, I understand feeling uncomfortable about this offer. Just reading about it made me uncomfortable, knowing people who have been in similar situations. Nothing is ever really free, there is always payment somewhere, and down the road, this might all come back to haunt everyone.
Your BIL and future SIL actually indicated that they understood the fact that many people would not be able to attend. Lean into that. Graciously decline – over and over until they accept it – and do not go into detail about why.
Getting into a whole explanation about the in-laws’ finances will never get you anywhere in this circumstance, other than endless stupid family conflict.
Splash out and buy them a great wedding gift and effusively congratulate them. Host a fabulous dinner party when they all return.
Enjoy the Zoom stream wedding. Be happy for them on terms you are comfortable with.” No_Gold3131
Another User Comments:
“Very, very soft YTJ. You’re NTJ for originally not wanting to go due to the expense, but when MIL/FIL offered to pay for everything and you still refused that does make you the jerk.
I totally understand not wanting your MIL/FIL to go into debt, but they’re sovereign adults and if that’s what they want to do with their money then I think it’s kind of rude for you and your husband to refuse their kindness.
It’s insulting for you to tell them that you won’t accept their help because you don’t think that they have enough and it’s rude for you to try to tell them how they should spend their money.
That stated if you and your husband decided to skip for other reasons (ex.
you don’t want to take the time off work, you don’t want to travel that far, the date conflicts with another obligation, etc) then you totally wouldn’t be the jerk. But I do think that explicitly refusing to attend based solely on your opinion that your in-laws shouldn’t be spending their money on you is rude and would make you the jerk (especially since we’re talking about your BIL’s wedding, not the wedding of a random cousin or something).” ADHD_Cat
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