People Wonder If They Are At Fault In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Telling My Brother To Let The School Deal With The Kids' Problems?
“My brother and I have boys that are both 11. They were pretty much raised together and hung out with the same crowd. For reasons unrelated to the family, they got into a squabble at school and got into serious trouble.
A mixture of hormones, annoying each other, etc.
My brother wants to have a discussion with both boys in addition to whatever the school is going to do. I said no, let the school handle it. It happened at school not at home.
They’ve had squabbles before at home and no one called the school and they get over it and become friends. It’s beating a dead horse.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your argument makes no sense. Obviously, you wouldn’t call the school if they fight at home.
But do you not expect the school to call home and inform you of what your kid’s doing? Do you think your responsibility, as a parent, to discipline and teach your child right from wrong ends when he goes to school?
Don’t be surprised when your kid grows up incapable of taking accountability for himself because you’re not teaching him what it is.” User
Another User Comments:
“Teacher here.
Please talk to your kids at home. We didn’t raise them, we can’t give consequences or rewards like you can, and we don’t set their LIFELONG PARENTAL EXAMPLE. This was a fight between family. Family should be involved. YTJ.” annrkea
21. AITJ For Spending My Birthday With My Mom?
“So, on my (24F) birthday, I went shopping with my dad’s partner (40F) and later had dinner with her and my dad (51M). She asked to hang out a couple of days later, but we didn’t set anything in stone. My mom (47F) has been out of town the whole week with my stepdad (41M).
My mom asked if we could go do stuff for my birthday the day that my dad’s partner wanted to do something. I texted my dad’s partner and told her that I was going to do stuff with my mom. You know, since I haven’t seen her in a while.
My dad’s partner sent me a long nasty text saying that I was inconsiderate and disrespectful. I didn’t respond, because I was angry and I didn’t want to annoy her more. My dad was on my side because he thinks I did nothing wrong.
My dad’s partner has a busy schedule because of her job. It’s been about a month since this happened, and I still haven’t talked to her. I told my dad that I’m waiting on an apology. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad’s partner sounds like a nasty jerk and I would hesitate to ever hang out with her again.
I’m glad you told your dad you are expecting an apology. The woman won’t apologize and that’s how your ‘partner’ problem resolves itself. By the way, ‘I’m sorry I hurt your feelings’ or ‘I’m sorry I said something to make you mad’ isn’t an apology.
Don’t be fooled by a fauxpology.
A real apology specifies the bad behavior (her nasty text), indicates why the bad behavior was bad, shows the change in behavior so the ‘bad’ thing never happens again, asks for forgiveness, and is ok with not getting forgiveness.
Anything less is not an actual apology.” voluntold9276
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think maybe the thing you could do differently is not throw in the ‘I’m doing something with someone else’ part. If I was in her position all I need to know from you is that you can’t get together with me that day, maybe we can do it another time.
I don’t need to know what you will be doing. If you tell me anyway it can sound like you’re rubbing in my face that you are canceling out on me for that other thing you’re doing.” disruptionisbliss
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She is your dad’s partner, she got to spend time with you on your actual birthday. You basically canceled on plans that weren’t even confirmed so she is the jerk for getting so upset by it. Regardless of her busy schedule, nothing had been confirmed. She owes you an apology.” Apprehensive_Tell586
20. AITJ For Saying My Wife Is Fat?
“My wife (41) and myself (44M) both work in education and believe in properly explaining things to our children (4F, 5M). We have agreed to never use ‘because I said so’ reasoning with them.
My wife is unfortunately around 3st overweight. Her weight has crept up gradually since having the kids and I don’t think she was even aware of this gain until I gently raised the subject with her last year.
She agreed she needs to remedy this.
Since then we have worked together to shift the excess weight and I’m proud to say she’s lost around 10lbs. But she still has a lot of work to do to reach her target weight.
She is best at sticking to her diet if there is no temptation around, so for Easter, I got her flowers instead of an egg. She seemed happy with this.
Then yesterday my children were arguing over a missing Easter egg, each accusing the other of eating it.
I knew instantly what had happened.
I asked my wife to tell the children where the egg (which was quite big) had really gone and she admitted she had eaten it.
My son (whose egg it was) was very upset and confused and asked his mum why she had eaten it.
My wife replied that she would replace it (which would be impossible, as it’s now after Easter).
I pointed out that she had not answered the question our son had asked. He was very upset and he kept asking why she had stolen his egg.
I felt it was unfair she hadn’t properly answered this, as he was getting more distressed.
My wife completely threw me under the bus here and said ‘because I wanted chocolate but daddy didn’t get me an egg’.
They already know the importance of healthy eating, so I explained that mummy was not wanting to eat too much sugar.
Several ‘but why?’ questions down the line I finally said, ‘because mummy is fat and needs to work on this by not eating sweeties’.
I used the word ‘fat’ because my sister is fat and always says it is not a shameful thing and she prefers to be described this way.
She says to not use the word implies there is something wrong with being fat.
I probably was a jerk to presume my wife would feel the same way about this term, and I wonder if I should have said ‘overweight’ instead?
My wife hasn’t spoken to me since this and has seemed very upset.
I feel terrible for upsetting her. But I think she was wrong to have taken our little boy’s Easter egg without asking. And wrong to have blamed me for her actions.
I regret upsetting her and possibly using the wrong terminology, but I had run out of ways to explain to the children why I hadn’t bought my wife an egg.
I wouldn’t have had to explain why I hadn’t bought an egg if she hadn’t told them this fact. Or indeed if she hadn’t eaten the egg, to begin with. But I do feel I might be a jerk for upsetting my wife.
EDIT: my wife said she didn’t want anything for Easter. I felt uncomfortable with this and so got her flowers.
I don’t care about appearance, she has a family history of heart disease, including her older brother who passed away because of cardiac arrest in his 40s.
I worry every day about her health.
She watched our 5-year-old accuse his little sister (who was crying) of stealing the egg, without admitting she had taken it. Only when I asked her outright did she own up. I feel that’s really unfair to both kids, which is why I asked.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, and you know why.
You try to justify it with your sister being fat and her using the word in a nonjudgmental way. But you didn’t use the word in that way, you used it in a huge judgmental way, and you taught your kids that it is ok to be mean as long as you’re honest.
Kids actually don’t have to have answers all the time, and that’s the thing you need to teach them. Sometimes you just don’t know and never will.
Your wife clearly has some borderline eating disorder or at least a very destructive relationship with food and sweets.
Maybe concentrate on supporting her in that in a mature and loving way and stop focusing on her weight. You could’ve talked to her alone about the situation but instead, you chose to do it in front of your kids.
My first move would be to remove all sweets in the house that are just lying around ‘for the future’ and just buy them for your kids to consume for that day or situation.
That will not just help your wife but also teach your kids that sweets are something you can enjoy occasionally without putting shame on it. And if they ask why you start this new routine you can just tell them it’s a healthier option and you all will benefit from it.
No lies and no throwing your wife under the bus.” zannazo
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, but I think your wife is more the jerk. She told you she didn’t want anything for Easter and you got her flowers instead which was sweet and considerate.
She stole literal candy from her own child. She was content to watch her son cry and accuse her other child of stealing. She then tried to throw you under the bus instead of simply admitting ‘I’m sorry. Mommy really really wanted chocolate and there was no other kind in the house! Why don’t we go to the store and I’ll let you pick out some new ones to make it up to you’.
The end. Not blaming you. No blaming her weight. SHE should have owned up to her mistake.
All you did was use insensitive wording due to a misunderstanding.
Your wife sounds like she might have a problem. Heck I’m fat and there have been times that my cravings for sugars and fats are so bad I felt like I could barely eat anything else and lost my appetite completely and I STILL would never STEAL candy from a CHILD.
Edit: So if you look at OP’s further comments he only approached his wife about weight because her clothes were getting so tight they were leaving marks and bruising. He also states she and he both KNOW she has a problem with binge eating food sometimes but that she doesn’t want therapy.
I’m now leaning closer to NTJ but will keep it at ‘everyone sucks here’ because he still used phrasing that was blunt and uncalled for and it could encourage her negative body image. That said OP you’re doing your best. She’s a grown woman.
If she wants candy she can go get some from the store.” aterriblefriend0
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You are way too involved in your wife’s weight loss efforts, and you humiliated her in front of your children. It is obvious her weight bothers you.
The hard reality of the situation is you cannot control your wife’s body. She will either lose weight and keep it off, or she won’t. I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, and during that time there have been some weight fluctuations.
He always makes me feel desirable, regardless of my size. You can’t control what you find attractive, but you can at least keep your mouth shut.” junkinthistrunk
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Yes, your wife clearly has a problem if she’s literally stealing candy from children.
That does not make it okay for you to hash out your feelings about the problem with her in front of the kids. And while I really, truly do not know why she couldn’t just have bought herself an egg if she wanted one that badly, clearly this strategy where you’ve appointed yourself the food police and then attempt to shame her publicly when she goes against what you think she should be doing isn’t working, so either treat her like the adult she is and talk through what she thinks would help, or leave her to manage or not manage the issue as she sees fit.” mm172
19. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay For My Cousin's College Tuition?
“I (29F) have been married to my husband (31M) for two years now. His family is very wealthy. My family is in the upper middle class now, but we were poor for several years when I was young. I had a venture I started right after college, and my husband helped me with the plans and getting investors.
It is very successful.
Once I had the money, I paid off my student loan debt; I paid off my parents’ (50F, 49M) debt as well, and my husband and I bought them a new house when they decided to move so they didn’t have to deal with another mortgage.
It was a gift, they have never asked or demanded anything of me or my husband.
Problem is, that they’ve been supporting my mother’s family financially for years. My mother’s family is a bunch of abusive leeches. When I was born, they disowned her, amongst other things.
There were times when my parents would forgo meals for themselves and send them whatever was left in their accounts. My parents support them because they feel it keeps them from redirecting more of their hatred onto me. (It doesn’t.)
My parents refused to let me take over supporting everyone, but my Gma was working insane hours at her job to send funds for her other two daughters to pay their kids’ tuition.
They said they had to send their kids to this school, despite not being able to afford it, because my mother got a scholarship to go, and they weren’t able to. It had to be ‘fair’. Once I found this out, I couldn’t stand by and let my grandma work herself to death for this, so I took on the costs about four years ago.
The older one has 5 kids, the younger one has 3. The youngest of their kids is 2 and the oldest is now 17. I know it means the world to my grandma, so I don’t complain.
We flew to help my parents pack up, and my grandma and mom were on the phone with them.
I heard my mom ask her younger sister what her eldest is doing for college, and she said he’d only be applying to the same school I went to. (An Ivy League). My mom said great, but they’re expensive and difficult to get into, especially as an international student.
Her sister replied, ‘Well he won’t have to pay because OP is paying, and she’ll write him a recommendation letter, so he’s basically guaranteed to get in.’
My mom was shocked. She replied that I had no obligation to pay for his college and that I’d done far too much over the last four years.
I said that I’d like to have been asked, not just expected. She outright told me that I have a duty to the family and that if I said no, she’d simply ask my husband because it wasn’t my money anyway.
My husband shot that down immediately and said that we are a team, and whatever I decide is what he will go along with and that the money that has been supporting them was mine alone.
Everyone is angry, and my Gma is saying I should just do it.
I could, it would not hurt us financially. But I’m tired of having them demand things and just be abusive monsters in return. AITJ?
EDIT: I couldn’t fit this in, I did explicitly tell my grandma and her daughters I would pay for the equivalent of K-12 schooling because that’s what my grandma had promised.
I never said anything about college.
They’re not in the US, the rest of us are.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your relatives are, though. Also, your parents should have cut those leeches off. Just because your family made better decisions financially does not mean others should leech off that and let you and your parents pay for problems you should not burden yourself into.
Also if she wants to, your grandma should cut off said relatives, away, too.
Another thing is that I don’t know much about Ivy League schools, but I do think they offer scholarships so why don’t your relatives consider that option instead of being parasites?” ultravioletheart08
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The whole ‘duty to family’ line is a convenient way for leeches and abusers to get their way on things, but they tend to only subscribe to the idea when they want something, and not when family members need something from them.
Not sure why they would disown your mother, but it appears they have a grudge over her having you. You have done more than enough, and it appears that instead of gratitude, your mom’s sibling and your grandma have just come to view you as a cash cow.
It’s up to you, but I think it would be a good idea for you to cut ties. Grandma can pay the tuition.” ChapSteve711
Another User Comments:
“Your funds are yours alone. If she’s old enough, talk to the daughter, first ask what school she wants to go to.
If she says Ivy League, explain that you have been offered to pay for her tuition because you love her (if that’s true) and because you love her grandma who was working herself thin to give her the opportunity of college, but that if she doesn’t earn a scholarship to Ivy League, you cannot pay for her to go there.
That you can only cover normal tuition and that this is not a guarantee if she takes it for granted and does not appreciate that this is something you do not owe her.
It sounds like the mom is the entitled one, not the kid.
Just think – paying for one Ivy League is like paying for all kids because you’re setting the precedent and then they’ll expect this.
Probably the mom is only doing this so she can mooch off her kids financially one day. NTJ.” SomethingComesHere
18. WIBTJ If I Stop Cooking For My Mother-In-Law?
“My father-in-law has become ill (cancer), and his wife (my mother-in-law) has asked my wife and me to cook for her 4 meals a week. Father-in-law gets fed through a tube and she doesn’t feel like cooking only for herself. (The truth is her husband cooked most of the time and can’t do that anymore obviously.)
My mother-in-law has toxic behavior and mentally abusive behavior toward my wife.
I won’t go into details, but my mother-in-law fits the narcissistic profile and with that, you can imagine the trauma my wife has and how she is conditioned to say ‘yes’ and doesn’t stand up to her mother (my mother-in-law). So to be honest here; I don’t like my mother in law and it may cloud my judgment, so that is why I ask you:
My wife and I cooked for 3 weeks or so, and mother in law started to complain; the food had too many carbs and because of our cooking she is gaining weight, the food is too spicy, the food has too big chunks of vegetables…
So I had a conversation with my wife and asked her how long we should keep up with her complaints before calling it quits. We started cooking for her to relieve a chore from father in law and avoid that mother in law commands him to do it even if he can’t.
Now he is too sick to do anything but sleep, so I can’t believe my mother-in-law would order him to cook for her in this state. My wife doesn’t mind cooking for her once a week (2 meals) but I am done with the complaints and with that the cooking for her.
Now the question is WIBTJ if I stop cooking for my mother-in-law?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did the right thing discussing the matter with your wife. As for the ‘should or shouldn’t’ regarding cooking it’s difficult to say what the right course of action is.
What’s right isn’t necessarily what’s best and vice versa, but in my opinion, if you’ve tried and can’t handle her negative comments any longer it’s only understandable that you don’t want to cook anymore. As for your wife, being raised by someone like that might’ve conditioned her into just accepting defeat easier.
But if she’s fine with cooking then kudos to her for putting up with her mom.
I am curious though as to how her father feels about this. How is his relationship with his wife (your MIL)?” HolyWaterLemonCola
Another User Comments:
“NTJ here I think.
As long as you’ve had the conversations with your wife and she is satisfied with your reasoning.
If your wife agrees with your reasoning, I think it would be ok to stop, and also if she agrees that your MIL would not make your FIL cook in his sickly state.
However, be careful that your MIL doesn’t then demand that your wife cook the meals you’re no longer cooking, because, as you said, your wife can’t say no to her mother.
It’s a fine line to walk, and I’m sorry you and your wife are in this position.” quokkaloft
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
But I do think you have to talk to your wife, you know? This can’t be in any way, shape, or form an ultimatum: as you pointed out, she is stuck in this circle of abuse, and it may take some time for her to realize at least on an emotional level that that’s not how her mother is supposed to treat her.
So… talk to your wife. Keep on talking, I mean. And stand up for her as much as she will allow you to. MIL can live off frozen meals for all I care. Take care of your partner, and make sure your FIL’s needs are taken care of. Best of luck, OP!” brazilian_kangaroo
17. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Sister For Her Opinion About My Graduation Attire?
“I, (M16), have a little sister, (F14), who is graduating this year from elementary school. I have been very excited about her graduation because she’ll finally be joining me in high school.
We had gotten into an argument over what I would wear to her grad.
She remembered I had mentioned that I wanted to wear a dress and when she had seen the heels I bought, it threw her over the edge. She blew up at me saying that it was her night and that I was making it all about me by what I would be wearing and that all the girls would be wearing something similar (the dress that I would be wearing is a blue summer dress and is nothing like what any of the girls would be wearing).
She had said I would take all the attention from her when it is her night and all of her guy friends would make fun of me for being a guy in a dress. She reminded me that I never wear dresses but I only wear them on special occasions, the last time wearing the dress I was going to wear to her grad, I wore it to my brother’s high school grad.
She had told me that the heels I bought were too flashy, even though they are matte black and that I should buy a new pair of shoes instead. I had told her that the shoes she wanted me to buy were $90 while I bought my heels at a thrift store for $5 and that buying new shoes would be impossible for me because I didn’t have a job at the time.
That’s when she started to blow up even more saying I was being selfish and she only wore a romper and a pair of sandals to my grad and was telling me to dress down when I never told her any of this when she attended my grad.
So, AITJ?
Edit: I am a trans man so wearing dresses is not out of character for me. I wear them a lot in the summer at home and I do frequently wear skirts to school. I do still wear feminine clothing sometimes.”
Another User Comments:
“Huh, this is a very interesting situation.
It seems like your sister really respects your identity as a man, but doesn’t respect your right to express yourself however you choose. Boys can wear dresses. If you’re wearing like, a prom dress to her graduation then maybe that’s a little much, but there’s nothing wrong with feeling pretty.
Even when you’re a boy. Even when you’re a boy people used to mistake you for a girl. Maybe try talking to sis and finding out what part of you wearing a dress makes her uncomfortable and if maybe she’d help you pick out a dress she wouldn’t feel is stealing her spotlight.
Just a thought. NTJ.” erraticandlost
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You say you only wear dresses to special occasions, and you consider her graduation a special occasion. But it’s her occasion, so you should respect her wishes on what not to wear. There are other options for formal wear that may not leave her feeling like you’re trying to upstage her.” HoldFastO2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, dressing in a Gender Non-Conforming way is not inappropriate or rude.
Your younger sister sounds sensitive to the opinions of others and acknowledging that it is a special day and a celebration of Her success might help reduce the conflict here. Wearing a fashionable and affordable outfit isn’t distracting or rude, but maybe trying to find a compromise that leaves her feeling celebrated and you feel able to be yourself would be ideal.
Also, she’s 14 and 14-year-olds are kind of self-centered because that’s how their brains are wired. I think you are acting mature by considering if this is something that makes you a jerk or not. Good luck finding a solution.” toothcriminal420
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, what is so hard about not wearing a dress? The fact that you are making a whole post to justify not respecting your sister’s wishes is just proving that you’re doing this all for attention. It’s her graduation don’t make it so she doesn’t want you there at all.” User
16. AITJ For Wanting To Wear A Suit?
“I (22F) never liked dresses at all, my parents tried sometimes making me like girl stuff but it was pointless and they gave up. I always thought that boys’ clothes were amazing and I am jealous a little bit but it’s because let’s be honest their clothes and styles are indeed cool.
Thankfully these days things are changing now and girls can dress however we want but still, there are some occasions that I’m expected to dress up: Weddings.
My dad (43M) got invited to a wedding and my brother (10M) and I were invited too.
In the invitation, it never said I should go wearing a dress but to be sure I asked the couple if it was ok to wear a suit instead of a dress to the wedding. They’ve known me since I was a kid so they said as long as I don’t bring too much attention it was ok, so I go with my mom to get a suit for me and it was a perfect blue marine suit with a white tie and I love it.
Now my dad? His reaction when I appeared at the wedding like that… he was annoyed. He didn’t say anything during the ceremony but at the party, he made a speech (side note: he was wasted at this point) saying that the couple is lucky and yadda yadda, but then he looked at me and said ‘and I hope you guys don’t have a daughter, nowadays girls are not the same as they were in our time.’ Trust me everyone was silent no one laughed at all and I’m pretty sure he said it directly to me and not as a joke.
Before that, my dad (more wasted than ever) said to my face that I’m a jerk for not being what I was born to be, a girl and that I embarrassed him and if I don’t act like a girl for my own good, then I can’t call him ‘dad’ anymore.
I just had enough for that night, I grabbed my brother and went home saying ‘Don’t worry Roger (that’s his name) I never considered you my father anyway.’ (To be clear he and my mom are divorced, he uses me to know about my mom’s life and he likes my brother more than me and never cared about me at all).
He’s still with his thoughts that I’m the jerk and I should apologize for not being a girl and yadda yadda yadda, his friends who got married even distanced themselves from him. I’m hoping that he gets therapy ASAP. All of this nightmare just because I wore a suit instead of a dress.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your father behaved in a cruel, regressive way. I’m very sorry you don’t have the father you deserve; a positive role model who supports you.
And it sounds like you have excellent taste in suits! I’m a trial lawyer, so I can tell you that professional adult women wearing suits, even to non-work events (weddings, charity galas, etc.) are very much in vogue.
Out in the real world, no one will look at you askance for wearing a suit in place of a dress.
Lastly, it speaks well of your character that you made sure your suit was appropriate for the event; consulting the couple on it was not necessary, but very considerate of you.
It sounds like you’ve grown into a very tactful, considerate young woman, despite your father.
Suit up!” TheMidnightHandyman
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re a boy or a girl, you can wear what makes you comfortable and shouldn’t be forced to wear what makes you uncomfortable.
Not only has your father been aware of your preferences for some time now, and thus shouldn’t make stupid and bigoted comments about your clothing choice, but you talked to the couple getting married and they okayed it. At that point, the discussion is over; your father’s bigoted beliefs don’t count.
Also, as to this comment:
‘and I hope you guys don’t have a daughter, nowadays girls are not the same as they were in our time.’
Your father is wrong. My (43) own mother (73) has a friend from college who wore a tuxedo to her own mother’s wedding when she remarried in the early 1970s! The friend also wore suits to every dance she went to instead of a dress when they were in college – in the late 1960s.
Don’t worry about apologizing to him, as you have nothing to apologize for – and everybody who was at the wedding would likely agree given the silent response he got to his comment.” Briarrose1021
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you don’t normally wear dresses, it is a complete hassle to have to dress up for a formal event.
I think a bespoke suit is an awesome idea! If everyone else has your back, I would take comfort in that.
It would not be a bad idea for you to see a therapist, it doesn’t sound like your dad wants to change, or sees the need to change. A therapist could help you come to terms with the fact that he will never be the Dad you need; it is amazing how freeing that can be, it is hard to describe.” notropisb1884
15. WIBTJ If I Stay At The Hospital?
“My best friend (26M) is undergoing an important Crohn’s disease surgery, however, he will need to stay in the hospital for a few more days (like maybe 10 days, more or less) to recover and he obviously needs someone to stay with him most of the time and take care of him during it.
He asked me if I (27M) can stay with him and I agreed since I got 2 weeks off work. However, his partner wants to stay with him instead. He prefers that I stay with him instead of her because he feels more comfortable with me than with her (his words) and now she is very mad at me and she keeps telling me to change my plans and cancel it because it’s ‘inappropriate’ and that ‘we already spend so much time together.’
I don’t want to, mainly because he wants me to stay so much and because he’s my best friend.
He’s very anxious and kind of scared because this is his first surgery in his life. I want to be there for him and I can’t just tell him that I’m gonna cancel after I initially agreed to it. I suggested that we just divide the schedule between us where we switch around, but she refused and wants to take all the time with him.
His family prefers that I stay with him because I’m more ‘dependable’ than her (and a few other reasons they gave me) and that I shouldn’t follow what his partner wants but what my best friend wants. WIBTJ if I stay with him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s your friend’s decision who stays with him. And honestly, the fact that the girl wouldn’t even compromise by splitting the time up was unreasonable. I stayed with my grandma in the hospital for 2 weeks and I would have been grateful for someone else to take over for me occasionally.
She needs to want what her partner wants since he’s the one getting surgery, but she sounds a little entitled and selfish.” SweetLemonLollipop
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
She’s probably hurt and so is acting out which is really tacky but if her partner would rather be with his best bud he himself needs to sit her down and talk about it.
I understand his reasoning, it may be far more comfortable to be with a best friend than a partner, especially for a medical condition that includes bowel problems. Some people genuinely don’t feel comfortable being that vulnerable with a partner.
This man really needs to sit his partner down and have an honest conversation or his relationship may end..” kspicydaddi
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ, but God, that girl’s feelings must be super hurt.
My now-husband went into surgery with a 10+ day recovery when we’d been together for 2 years, and he didn’t want any visitors EXCEPT me, and I was there with him for 10-12 hours a day helping him until the nurses kicked me out.
I was also terrified for him and personally traumatized by the whole situation as his main caretaker leading up to his surgery, so being there was important to me. If he had chosen someone else to be there and not me, I would’ve been heartbroken and the relationship would not have lasted.
The point of me being in a relationship is to be someone’s number one, and they are my number one in return. If after 2 years of being together she still isn’t that for him, then that’s a terrible sign.
You’re a good friend for being there for him when he asks, but their relationship does not strike me as healthy and he needs to have a serious chat with her, as I don’t feel she’s being unreasonable at all for being upset about his choice. That’s not on you to fix, though. That’s his responsibility and you need to tell him to have this conversation with her and not put you in the middle.” go-with-the-flo
14. WIBTJ If I Cancel Our Plans?
“I had plans for this weekend with a friend of mine (made several weeks ago). This week she told me she got the days muddled up and had double booked herself, would try to make it work but wouldn’t know if she could make it for a few days.
I have a lot of anxiety and hate having plans canceled on me, especially last minute, so I said we should just cancel and she should go and enjoy the plans she has with her partner as it’s too much for me to deal with.
I’m already anxious about this, my autistic brain is now panicking because the thing it had been planning on being occupied with for weeks won’t be happening, can’t sleep so completely exhausted, etc, etc. The uncertainty of not knowing for a few days is something I’m well aware I can’t cope with.
Today I get a message saying everything is sorted and are we still on for Saturday. Now I thought these plans were CANCELLED. I’ve spent three days preparing myself for this NOT happening (which I know is kind of extreme but that’s the reality of being autistic, my coping mechanisms work fine so long as people aren’t just messing me around because they found something better to do – generally if this happens I just don’t make plans with those people again.)
WIBTJ if I say I’m sorry but I can’t do it now? It might be because I don’t have any other plans, I would literally just be in my house, alone, watching TV and she’s obviously canceled other things to make this happen.
On the other hand, my anxiety levels are HIGH (anxiety pains in my chest and nightmares high), I have a very busy week at work and I could do with the evening to myself to recover.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I understand it’s very jarring for you to have plans changed like that, but it does seem like your new friend tried to give you as much of a heads up as she could when she found out she was double booked, then probably thought you were being polite when you said to go ahead with her other plans and assumed you would be happy to reinstate them.
Your other comment said it was a new friendship, so perhaps she’s not quite as in tune with how changing plans can impact your day-to-day life? You are, of course, not unreasonable in the boundaries you set to keep yourself healthy, however, if she wasn’t aware of them you can’t really blame her for not abiding by them.
If she’s someone you want to be friends with, a conversation about how you need to schedule things would be beneficial to both of you!” innocentsubterfuge
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Autistic or not, she can’t expect you to not make other plans when you had already called them off.
Double booking yourself happens, but if you do double book yourself you can’t expect the other person to keep that day reserved for days. I would also not like having it sprung on me like that and I don’t even have anxiety or autism. You don’t need to explain yourself, in my opinion, just say you’re not available and maybe offer to meet up next week.” Evi_the_nutcase
13. AITJ For Not Responding To A Girl?
“I met a girl. Asked her to hang out someday when she’s in the same town but said no pressure. We kept in touch but our conversations became rarer and my interest sorta dipped. She did not let me know she was coming over.
I was busy at work and didn’t even see her calling me. Only found a text message saying she’s around if I want to grab some lunch, otherwise she’s fine to take a walk around the city. And I texted her back when it was too late.
She was already returning back home. Of course, when she returned home, I assume, she contacted me again thanking me for ghosting her and should have let her know if I had changed my mind…
To be honest I just didn’t see her message since my phone was nowhere near me.
Thought she overreacted. Asked my friends their opinion and everyone insisted I am a jerk. I don’t think I am and don’t see a reason why everyone is mad at me. It had been six months since I even offered to take her out, anyway.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
99% percent of my friend group is online these days so I have a lot of standing offers with people that start with ‘if you’re ever in my area’. You don’t just show up from out of town and spring it as a surprise and assume someone is going to be available.
You have to plan ahead.
That said I have happened to be in someone’s area on a road trip before and sent a quick ‘hey do you happen to be available in the next hour’, but you don’t get mad at no response or a ‘no’, I mean, you’re asking for the stars to align there.
She didn’t plan ahead, you were at work, and there was nothing to be done, your waning interest aside. She showed up sour of the moment and things just didn’t align that day. She doesn’t really get to be mad, none of them do.
You’re NTJ. (Honestly, I’d say your offer or your interest is a moot point and doesn’t even apply. You weren’t available anyway it sounds like.)” artemis1860
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Think about her experience. You made the offer. You didn’t include ‘this offer is good for two weeks or until I lose interest’.
You didn’t mention you aren’t reliable with your phone so she’d better let you know days in advance. She assumed you were a responsible adult, and in this day and age, that’s someone who has their phone on them and charged.
The fact that your description of events doesn’t imply any empathy for her highlights why YTJ.” BigBayesian
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
- You had not made any plans
- You had not been speaking to her really
- She just showed up in your city unannounced and expected you to drop everything you were doing to cater to her
- You were busy at work and couldn’t have seen her even if you wanted to
This is 100% on her.
She assumed your invitation to hang if she was ever in the city meant that she didn’t need to plan anything… that she could just show up and the world would stop spinning because she was there.
My guess is that she is spinning a different version of events… that you invited her to the city and ghosted her and not that she just showed up completely unannounced.” The__Riker__Maneuver
As far as the comment about being a mature adult and being glued to your phone all day, ummmm no, a mature adult would do exactly as OP did while at work, and actually DO THEIR JOB
12. AITJ For Showing Disinterest In My Partner's Passion?
“My partner (F21) and I (M23) have been together for almost 5 years, and this is a situation that happens often. She is an artist and I’m a soon-to-be Engineer, we are wildly different but we complement each other very well.
She is now very into poetry and is even editing a whole collection of poems she has been writing in recent years. Since we talk to each other about basically everything, she comes to me for help and opinions about her writing, but if I’m honest, I don’t understand poetry.
It’s like modern art, where you could read me a critically acclaimed poem and some random stuff a 5-year-old wrote for school and I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.
This is where the problem arises, she gets upset when I am of 0 help.
When she asks me to read her poems I am not very excited to do so because I feel dumb for not understanding them, and she expects some insight from me that I just can’t provide.
I care about her and her work, I ask her how she’s doing with her writing, but when it comes to the content and actually reviewing it I can’t help but be visibly reluctant to read it.
I should also add that we are used to being each other’s support and source of help, so when it comes to her passion I can understand why she feels sad or disappointed when I can’t help.
We have talked about this, she knows I don’t get poetry and she only keeps asking me to read them because she doesn’t want to share her true passion with her friends, she wants to do it with me (that’s why, in my opinion, she is not the jerk).
When she asked me to read all of her poems and tell her what I think, AITJ for saying that I am not of any help and that I would read them but not give any feedback (because I can’t)? Or should I have just faked interest and some sort of knowledge giving her some generic feedback to make her feel supported?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You’re both doing your best here. I also am an amateur poet and my husband does not get poetry AT ALL. I’ve asked him to read my stuff and he’s told me what he enjoyed, but I know not to expect much more than that – it’s just not his jam.
There will always be some areas of our lives where our partners can’t support us in exactly the way we’d like them to – it can be hard to accept at first, so I get why your partner is disappointed, but you’re not doing anything wrong.
Has your partner thought about taking an online poetry course or joining a writer’s group? If she’s looking for more extensive feedback, she’s much better off connecting with people who are already interested in poetry rather than asking people around her who aren’t very familiar with the medium.
Most groups online are free to join, and an online course might cost a few hundred dollars but you often get to work with a professionally published poet and connect with a group of other writers as well – I’ve done one and it was definitely worth it.
Maybe suggesting something like this to her could be a way of showing support that you’re more comfortable with?” invomitous-rex
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re just different people. As you said, you compliment each other very well, and that’s what matters. She doesn’t feign interest in your career choice, does she? If not, try and spin it that way; while you’re happy she likes what she does and she’s good at it, you’re not the best person for feedback because your mind works more technically than creatively and you don’t think you have much to offer her when it comes to a creative perspective.
It’s a left brain/right brain thing. Say it in a way that lets her know you respect her passion without saying you don’t ‘get it’. For creatives, it’s important to feel understood — maybe not always in their art, but in their intentions.” Lauralai_22
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
I think it’s really sweet that you’re trying to parse how to be the most supportive while also being honest so that you don’t feel like you’re lying to your partner.
That makes me really happy to read.
And hey, I totally respect where you’re coming from too because we all have our talents and they don’t always overlap. It’s not like you’ve said, ‘I don’t want to read these,’ but rather ‘I’m not going to be able to provide quality feedback,’ and that’s perfectly valid.
What I think might help is restructuring your expectations when it comes to feedback. You don’t feel like you have the knowledge to critique the actual structure (flow, vocab, themes, etc) but that doesn’t mean that you can’t comment on how the poems made you feel, or if you thought they were pretty or interesting.
Think of it like music — just because a person doesn’t play an instrument doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy (or dislike) a piece! Art is subjective and if you’re being subjected to it, comment on your experience. Did you like a certain phrasing? Did it evoke anything inside? And then telling her you’re proud of her and can’t wait to get a copy of her book never hurts either.
Good luck, OP!” SatanicSunflower
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not your fault that you just don’t get it. It’s like watching a foreign movie without subtitles. How could you possibly know if it were any good? You can be supportive and encouraging without participating, and that’s what she needs to learn. She needs to stop pushing you.” GlitteringMail4848
11. AITJ For Asking The Birthday Boy To Pay Me Back?
“I had this birthday party from a boy in my class a few weeks ago, we were supposed to go swimming. The boy asked us to buy a present. A pretty expensive (in the eyes of we high schoolers, at least) present as well.
So, we do as we’re told: we give our funds to one friend and he buys it for him. We go to the party, give presents, and everybody was happy. Then it’s time to drive. It’s an hour-long drive, but we’re all excited about the pool.
We finally get there, and his parents go up to the cash register. ‘The pool is full.’
Now my other friends and I are pretty annoyed because we set aside our weekend plans for this, so we expected him to at least have tickets ready.
So, straight back to his house, we go. Back there, we guests just kind of eat cake, while the birthday boy locks himself up in his room to play with the present we bought him.
Fast forward to this week, it’s the week before vacation.
He wants to plan his new pool party during the vacation. So we try to set up a date, but everybody’s already made plans of course. He decides to settle next Wednesday, but I and a few other friends can’t. I tell him that’s a bit disrespectful towards us, but he doesn’t care.
And for this part, I think I just might be the jerk: I got more than annoyed and told him we gave money and cleared the weekend for him (I had other plans, but canceled them) so he should find a proper date.
He, again, didn’t care. So I just asked for my money back, and he’s going to give it today. I feel cheap and petty, but again – it was an expensive gift for us kids. If I’d been good friends with the kid, fine.
But we weren’t, he just asks for my candy at school sometimes, which I give.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Once a gift is given, the matter should be considered done and over with. Consider it a lesson learned, not to spend more than you think you should be based on your financial situation and the relationship with the person, and let it go.
Sounds like you’re not really friends with this person, so the damage you’ve done to this relationship might not hurt much, but keep that in mind in the future, when you might lose a friendship you care about over this kind of behavior.” M2MK
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This kid is only inviting people who can afford gifts that he has 0 intention of sharing.
Y’all got grifted OP, and the kid seems to know that since he’s giving the money back. I’ll bet he’ll think twice about using his ‘friends’ as cash cows again.” SatanicSunflower
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – it is pretty petty. And the money was for the gift, right? Not a buy-in for the pool party. The red flag was there when he asked people to pool in and buy him a gift (rude). The birthday boy is not a good person.” User
10. AITJ For Forgetting About My Friend's Birthday?
“It was my friend’s birthday the other day, and everyone in high school was doing the typical posting embarrassing photos and wishing her happy birthday.
The night before, I had worked non-stop (the place I work gets customers constantly, almost no break until we are closed) so I went home and crashed on my bed.
The next day I left my phone at home by accident when I went to school. (Keep in mind I don’t see her throughout my whole school day.) So I go home and get ready for another day of work, I had basically forgotten it was her birthday as I haven’t been on my phone all day.
We had already celebrated her birthday, like a week before, I had given her the gift I got her, and we hung out all day and I even wished her a happy birthday on that day.
After work again I go home and just crash, and the next day I wake up to at least 10 texts calling me a jerk for not wishing her a happy birthday.
I’m not sure I’m in the wrong, but thinking about it more, I think I might be.
So AITJ?
Edit: The text was from our other friends, not from her, but it was obvious she was upset.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You had a busy couple of days, were so tired and then forgot your phone.
It’s understandable to forget. We are all human. Everyone forgets stuff sometimes. You didn’t completely ignore it either because you celebrated it with your friend a few days earlier.” Delicious-Travel8796
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
Yeah, you were busy, and that sucks. But a quick happy birthday text or something is all that’s needed, dude.
That’s it, 2 seconds. It took me longer to write this comment, it took you WAY longer to write this post.
I can see why your friend would be upset. Sure, you had already celebrated, but it’s still a kick in the teeth when a good friend doesn’t even say happy birthday on your actual birthday.
Neither of you is a jerk, we’re adults, and we forget. Just keep in mind that your friend’s feelings are just as valid over this.” Koskani
Another User Comments:
“You celebrated your friend’s birthday with her when you could. I think you did enough to adequately mark the event.
You are certainly not a jerk for not texting or calling on the actual day.
Your friend is way too sensitive if she is making it into a big deal. That seems very self-centered when you were worn out from school and your job.
NTJ.” linda-stanley
9. AITJ For Refusing My Grandmother To Dictate My University Plans?
“This grandma is from my father’s side. She is the definition of controlling and manipulative and has always been like this since my parents got married 24 years ago. My dad always defends his mother because ‘she’s his mother’. They also live in my home country but have decided to pay us a 3-month visit to the country I currently live in.
I (17F) will start attending university abroad in September 2022. My grandparents found out and congratulated me. I thought things would go by smoothly this time, but oh was I wrong. My grandma started telling me how she knows a woman working in the same country I’m going to.
Let’s name her Emma. I’ve never met or spoken to Emma in my entire life, yet during the last few times I’ve spoken to my grandma, she keeps repeatedly bringing her up and telling me to call her. I politely decline because I already have all the information I need, and my university is only a quick phone call or web search away, so this ‘help’ is unnecessary.
besides, a random woman with no affiliation to the university whatsoever isn’t gonna get as much information about it as a literal future student.
Once again, my grandma decided to call MY MOM and insisted that she calls Emma and asks her about the university.
My mom politely declined and told her that she doesn’t have any inquiries and that I have all the information I need since I’m in contact with the university, and we’ll call her once I get to the country in case I need any help (all of which is true).
After that, my dad called my mom and told her that my grandma was crying. My mom told my dad about the phone call and he got mad about my mom’s response. He told her that we shouldn’t have declined because ‘he can’t tell his mother not to interfere’ and she’s only doing this because she’s happy about me attending university.
My parents are able to help me much better than my grandma and Emma ever could, as they have raised me for the past 17 years. My grandma wants to control EVERYTHING and make it seem as if everything good in our lives is because of her, and everything bad is because she didn’t interfere.
I don’t care if my dad accepts this degrading treatment, but I’m not gonna accept someone controlling every aspect of my life like that. So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But one phone call is not ‘controlling everything’. I’ve been in this situation before.
Call Emma. I guarantee she will be just as confused as to why she is so uniquely qualified to help you as you are. Tell her that you are calling because your grandma insists. Thank Emma for her time. It’ll take 5 minutes and everyone is happy.
Happy unless you insist on categorizing it as ‘controlling everything’. Your grandma can be handled if you are clever enough.” Time-U-1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this sounds like my husband’s paternal grandma too. I never met the lady as she passed away before I met hubby but she was ‘old country’ and the family had moved from their home country together.
She would do things like this and meddle with the family. For you OP, this is rather tame of a ‘request’ from her so it probably wouldn’t hurt to call this Emma and I agree with another commenter here that Emma likely has no idea what your gma has gotten her into as well.
If grandma pressed more and put pressure, just set your boundaries, you’re an adult now and she needs to recognize that (expect lots of guilting anyway). Your dad needs to figure out his own deal with his mom but probably not gonna happen after this long already (my FIL always was in denial too about the manipulations his mom did).
Luckily for you, she will be far away from influencing anything for a while.” trekqueen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s called growing up and being an independent adult. This is something your dad has failed to do in regards to his mother. I suggest you continue on your journey and know that setting boundaries is a good thing. You will eventually have to do it with your dad as you grow older and become an independent adult.” Appropriate_Self_113
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Hang Out With A Classmate Anymore?
“I started high school last year, and due to the happenings lately, many of us were not able to hang out at school much, and thus it was harder to make friends and grasp the kind of ppl our classmates were.
I was lucky as I was able to click with a group of people.
Our group started as 5 people A, B, C, D, and myself. We weren’t close at the start but we decided to stick with each other, especially for group projects for convenience’s sake.
The problem began when one of my friends, C, told me that they were uncomfortable with A as she suspected that he took pictures of her secretly without her permission. She wasn’t exactly sure but his phone was angled a weird way and the camera was pointing at her.
She then started noticing that A was constantly staring at me and her many times in class. She felt weirded out, especially since she had never spoken to A before outside a group setting and even then their interactions were at a minimum.
I told her that she might be overthinking it and that perhaps she should just observe him for a while more since things like that can often be misunderstood.
After that incident, I started to take notice more of A and realized that he indeed stared at me and C several times in class and never once said anything.
He just looks at us, smiles, and nods. It was really weird especially since he would stare for long periods of time and wouldn’t say anything to us at all. What’s worse was that most of the time, he was nowhere near us, and yet all he would do was stare.
We then started realizing that A constantly stood really close to C whenever our class changed classroom and as it made her uncomfortable, we decided to distance ourselves since his actions triggered my PTSD as well. We brought this issue up with B and D and they told us that they felt uncomfortable with A too.
B, being A’s closest friend said that all B did was go home and to school with him, and most of the time they didn’t talk at all.
After asking a few of our friends outside the group about him, we found out that there were others that felt uncomfortable around him as well.
Due to this, B, C, D, and I decided to distance ourselves from A. We stopped grouping with him for assignments and often ran away from him if he tried to follow us out of school or for breaks and lunches.
However, recently, D brought it up to me that he thought that A might be special needs. I had my suspicions as well but never thought much of it until B told me. He said that since A wasn’t able to able to pick up on social cues or convey his emotions properly, he felt that A may have problems with socializing.
This is when the guilt kicks in. What if all this time he simply just wasn’t able to convey what he wanted properly and was just trying to be nice? It doesn’t excuse the fact that he has made me and C uncomfortable, but am I the jerk for just ditching him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You’re overthinking the small picture, and not looking enough at the big picture. If A is special needs, does that suddenly make everyone comfortable to be around A? Or is everyone still going to be uncomfortable but feel obligated to have A around because A is special needs? Is it fair to anyone, A included, to hang out with someone that makes you uncomfortable just because you feel sorry for them?” Eastern_Amphibian385
Another User Comments:
“I’m surprised I’m having a hard time coming up with a judgment here.
You obviously aren’t obligated to hang around someone who makes you actively uncomfortable, especially if you feel like your picture is being taken without your consent, that’s really creepy. However, I feel like a conversation with A may have been more productive than just dead friending him, but I also know that that kind of ‘you are making me uncomfortable’ conversation can be really tricky to navigate as a young teenager.
It’s entirely possible that there is something causing him to not be able to pick up on social cues normally, and it’s also entirely possible that your generation’s socialization has been completely and utterly messed up these last few years and he’s having a hard time adjusting.
Do you have a teacher or counselor you could possibly speak to about this? Without going in guns blaring saying that A has special needs, just asking how to handle this specific situation with this one friend.
Again, you aren’t obligated to be around someone who you aren’t comfortable with, especially if you and C are both girls and you’re concerned he could become physical if you upset him (this is a comment on the general status of boys/men being unable to accept forms of rejection, not at all to do with A specifically); but I do see that your age may be truly, truly struggling with socialization beyond screens at this current point in time.
So I guess, no jerks here?” innocentsubterfuge
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t owe anyone any sort of friendship or any other kind of relationship. It doesn’t matter what the reasons are for being awkward. Women are socialized from a very young age to be kind and nice and keep the peace.
This sometimes puts them in danger. Trust your gut. If you don’t wanna be around this person, don’t be around them. If they insist or get too close to you, clearly and firmly state your boundaries. Being safe and trusting your gut is much more important than being nice.” panic_bread
7. AITJ For Being Annoyed At My Art Teacher?
“I, (15 F) take art classes at school. I will admit, that I’m no Picasso, but I’m certainly not the worst at painting.
I have some big exams coming up in a couple of weeks. One of those exams happens to be an art exam, which rather than sitting down and painting for hours, is done over a period of roughly 2 months.
With the finished product being set at a deadline. My art teacher happens to be quite overbearing and honestly slightly controlling over our pieces, and tends to micromanage what we do. I like to say it doesn’t affect our art, but it does.
If things are not to her satisfaction she will likely make us start again. Anyways, she seems to pick on me the most of the class. I am not entirely sure why.
About two weeks ago she struck a nerve with me which is very difficult to do.
I was more or less minding my own business, working while chatting with people at our desks. She walked over to me, complained about my color choice, and picked up my paintbrush. Without warning me she started to paint over something I had just done thereby smudging wet paint onto previously painted areas that had already dried.
I wouldn’t mind but my deadline’s coming up and I don’t have much time to fix it. On top of her completely ruining what I had already painted which I was quite happy with.
After class I asked to have a word with her, planning to ask why she wasn’t careful, and that she could have asked me to fix it myself without altering my entire piece.
But she sort of blew me off saying that she ‘made it better’ and that I ‘shouldn’t worry about it’. That royally annoyed me and I asked her not to do it again next time. That I could fix it on my own and I don’t need her help.
She told me not to take that tone with her and I just left.
I told my friends about it and they said it was a bit of a jerk move and that she was only trying to help. So AITJ?
EDIT: This is certainly not the first time that this has happened and I’m hoping it’s the last.
And I am not alone in this. Excluding a few of her golden students, many are also facing her ‘additions’ many unwelcomed.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
One thing as a teacher is standing and driving advice. Criticism so to say. That would be saying these colors don’t work together try XXX instead rather than just these colors don’t work together without suggesting what can improve it.
What your teacher did is a jerk move. Unfortunately, some teachers think they are absolutely right – special inside their own creative medium. What she did was a jerk move. I would have thrown the painting at her and said if she so much wants to paint it then here paint all of it.
Anyway, that’s not smart to do and has negative consequences. Your teacher is a jerk. She wasn’t trying to help. She was trying to satisfy herself and didn’t see beyond her own nose. She expects you (properly because you ain’t half bad) to live up to her ways of doing the art but you won’t because you are not her.
Anyway, she changed your painting instead of suggesting the fix. She should suggest it not force it.” Nanominyo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I understand she is trying to help but it is your artwork and at the end of the day it is your project.
She can give you suggestions and honestly if she is grading them I would just blindly follow them cause it IS school. But she should not be painting for you, especially on an exam. Is that not exactly like coming over to your exam and saying you got that wrong and writing in the correct answer?” PresentReaction1255
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Teachers ALWAYS think they’re immediately right. A good teacher would give you constructive criticism, and helpful suggestions, not dump all over it and do your work herself.
And I don’t think teachers are actually allowed to have that much influence over coursework to the point where they’re doing the work themself. If they aren’t allowed, you could get disqualified from the exams.” panicattheoilrig
6. AITJ For Keeping My Poop-Covered Dog Outside?
“A few months ago my partner and I bought a dog he is now 4 months old. We both work from home and sometimes get stuck in meetings where we can’t bring him inside the first time he asks. The weather has been really good recently so we have been letting him into the garden more often, leaving the patio doors open so he can come in and out as he pleases, eliminating the need for him to bark and ask to come in.
We have also started his puppy training class.
On Monday night he had really bad diarrhea and so when we came to his crate in the morning it was everywhere. We immediately put him outside and started to clean his crate and the carpets.
This took around 2 hours. We went into the garden regularly to check his water bowl and to make sure he was okay. Once we had finished cleaning we brought him in and bathed him.
We then noticed that a handwritten note had been pushed through the door ‘Your dog has been outside BARKING for 2hrs! You do this to the poor thing every day.’
This note was anonymous, and nobody had knocked on the door or rung the bell.
I made a post on the neighborhood social media group asking the person who wrote it to come and talk to us. Many people commented however nobody has come to try and talk to me.
Yesterday evening the dog asked to go out again, I let him out, however, couldn’t leave the door open as my partner was in and out with the garage door open.
I was working from the couch however was in a meeting when the dog barked and asked to come in I couldn’t let him in straight away as I was halfway through talking, the meeting ended maybe 5/10 minutes later and I went out to him.
I hear someone yell ‘Oi’ as I stepped outside and the neighbor from behind was leaning through the window in the garden wall and started having a go at me and accusing me of being an irresponsible dog owner and letting him bark for 4 hours.
I started trying to explain to him that the dog was not outside for 4 hours and what had happened for him to be outside on Monday.
He just laughed at me and said that he was unable to watch TV because of the dog and that he had been out and told my dog off multiple times.
I got annoyed hearing this and invited him to come in and clean up the dog’s poop and have a poop-covered dog running around his house. He then said that if poop was a problem then I shouldn’t have a dog and threatened to report me.
Had he just talked to me we could have had a conversation (I did ask him to have a conversation at first) and honestly, I probably would have apologized for disturbing him, however, he was rude and angry from the start and so I reacted defensively.
I went back inside with the dog and cried. The whole incident has really upset me and I just don’t know what to do. My family and friends have all sided with us however they are obviously biased so I just want to know if I’m in the wrong here?
EDIT: The dog had diarrhea while everyone was asleep, we started the clean-up as soon as we found out, but had to get the house sorted before the toddler woke up lest he tries to pick up some poop.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but watch out for leaving him outside too long with barking.
Some jerks get real testy with barking dogs (like your neighbor) and you don’t want more complaints. But since he’s sick, I understand why he’s out there more often. Hopefully, he feels better soon and can be inside with you more.
Good luck with your neighbor!” GreedoTheFett
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Dogs should live outside our houses, IMO, but since you let him live inside your house, those problems can happen, it’s life.
Your neighbor was being annoying and not empathetic with your situation, how were you supposed to clean the mess with the dog running around? Also, being outside in nice weather won’t kill it, he was just being rude.
You did nothing wrong.” booby_alien
Another User Comments:
“As long as you aren’t keeping the dog outside all the time with the dog barking for long periods of time, it sounds like you have a ‘Chad’ of a neighbor. Just annoyed with the dog in general. I’d say keep the peace if you own the home and he does too, and just be sure to let the dog in as soon as it starts barking. NTJ.” kelsandcats
5. AITJ For Laughing At My Grandpa?
“So this morning my grandparents informed me that some ppl would be coming to set up a new bed/frame etc.
Since I wasn’t needed I just sat down on the sofa and minded my business. (I asked if I should help but I wasn’t needed.)
For context, I was wearing a normal t-shirt and some leggings.
But no socks. This will be important later.
However, during the visit, my grandfather kept furiously pointing upstairs. Apparently, he didn’t want to tell me what I needed to do but expected me to magically know.
After looking at everyone wearing masks I assumed he wanted me to wear one (I was pretty far away from everyone so I didn’t think it was necessary.)
So after I got up and put it on he seemed even more furious.
I kept asking him what he wanted me to do but he refused to speak.
After the guy and the girl finished building the new bed and left, we sat down and talked a bit about the new bed, what happened, etc.
That’s when I mentioned being confused about what he wanted me to do. And he promptly told me that it was vulgar for me to ‘display’ my feet the way I did.
Faced with the absurdity of the situation I laughed, imagining how the two builders would say: omg look at how hot this girl is because of her feet.
My grandmother then joined in, laughing with me about my ‘seductive’ feet with the power to make any man drool.
My grandfather however exploded saying that it was indecent/disrespectful to be at home without socks in front of ‘strange’ men.
He’s currently still mad at me for showing off my glorious feet in front of strangers.
So am I the jerk for laughing at my grandpa for wanting me to cover up my indecent feet?
Update: My entire family is from Germany and we have a pretty lax view on how to dress (mostly just dressing appropriately.)
My family isn’t religious, with me being atheist and my grandmother being agnostic for example.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your Grandpa needs to be medically evaluated for dementia.
I say this because unreasonable anger can be a sign that something is happening in his brain.
If he comes from a conservative (religious or cultural) background, where women are expected to dress a certain way, that would be one thing. However, when you said that your Grandma laughed and joined in on teasing him about your bare feet, that made me think that your Grandpa hasn’t always been like this.
I mean, if his wife of many years doesn’t understand why he’s going off about your bare feet, then maybe that’s because his anger is a new development.
Please speak to your grandmother about getting him evaluated. There are some treatments available to help slow down various types of dementia, but if he’s never evaluated, he’ll never get help.
Of course, maybe he’s just a grumpy old man, too!
Either way, you’re NTJ.” SiroccoDream
Another User Comments:
“Your grandpa is very old school. He’s from a time when women didn’t show skin, including feet. You shouldn’t have laughed because he was very serious about this.
I see the humor. But it was a little disrespectful to him. Your grandma was too. It’s the generational gap thing. He respects you and wants others to respect you as well. NTJ.” Fun_Owl3744
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Considering how old school Grandpa seems to be he must be pretty old, like fainting at the sight of an ankle old.
I’m surprised he didn’t have any issues with you showing mostly bare arms and having skin-tight pants (lol leggings) on. At least where I live (US) women were allowed to have their forearms partially showing in colonial times.
He needs to relax, like my goodness. Maybe he believes in the power of telepathy and is surprised you couldn’t read his mind.” mkat23
4. AITJ For Not Prioritizing My Partner?
“I (30F) am in a rather unique situation where I adopted (not legally) a friend, Jamie (25M). I won’t go into his original family situation but currently, I am his only family. Since he’s 25 and lives in a neighboring country the ‘parenting’ I do is minimal.
However, he has a chronic illness. When it flares up and gets bad he comes home and I obviously have to do more hands-on stuff, eg hospitals and helping him meet his needs.
When I’m going out with someone and it’s going somewhere I explain to Jamie.
I’m from a conservative culture so a lot of potential partners would have issues with close platonic relationships between a man and a woman, so I make it very clear early on that I have this relationship with Jamie and any partner I have has to accept that.
I’ve been going out with Ben (32) for 6 months. I gave him the Jamie talk. They’ve met. They get on.
Last month Jamie’s illness flared for the first time in years. He came home and it’s been a lot. I’ve tried my best to keep my quality time with Ben.
If we need alone time we go to his flat and we even had a wee weekend away. But Jamie is sick so obviously, he takes priority.
Last night Ben asked me to go to a family function. I checked my calendar and it was the day of a pretty big hospital appointment.
I gave my apologies and said when all this clears up I’ll have his family around. Ben snapped. He said I could put Jamie aside for one second and try to meet his needs instead. He pointed out that during our alone time, I still check in with Jamie.
That when we’re alone together I’m too exhausted. The phrase he used was he gets ‘table scraps’. He gave me an ultimatum. Prioritize him or he would leave. I said ‘I guess it’s over’ and I left instead.
I phoned a friend to cry about this but she thought I was a jerk for not even trying to fight for Ben.
She pointed out he must feel so worthless because I wouldn’t even try. That I’m selfish for not seeing his side of view.
I honestly don’t know. I’m too emotionally drained to feel anything but exhaustion. I love Ben but Jamie always has to be non-negotiable.
I know he must feel like crap and I wish I could just be a normal partner. I know it’s not fair for him to get a part-time partner. I know when we talked all this through it seemed far in the future that Jamie might get sick again.
I get my family unit is complicated. I’m not going to force someone to stay. But am I a jerk for not even trying to prioritize Ben?
Edit: Just want to make it 100% clear that I don’t consider Ben the jerk in this whatsoever.
I knew this was always a possibility. He can walk away. Obviously, I’m sad and hurt that the relationship ended but there’s no way he’s the bad guy. I don’t blame him for bailing on this mess.
In a perfect world, Jamie would be healthy and Ben would have all my attention.
If I had the emotional capacity at the moment I would fight for him. I just don’t. It’s hard to be romantic when you’re thinking about test results.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – This one is tough because I feel like I could understand both of you very well.
He obviously feels like you haven’t been there for him enough. But you (I guess) were very clear regarding your caregiving role towards Jamie. Maybe Ben underestimated how much of your time and energy would go to Jamie during a flare-up.
I don’t know how bad his condition is, but I myself have ulcerative colitis, also a chronic illness. I have a husband and a kid, but when I have a flare-up, I cannot do much but be in bed most of the time.
I also know other fellow sufferers that have mild symptoms OR have it worse than I do. So it is difficult to say how independent you can be. How much help do you need? Maybe things were being said at the moment because he was very emotional about it.
And you sort of responded clearly that it would then be over… which is kind of hurtful if he doesn’t feel heard.
So, maybe sit down and have a chat regarding what he feels about the situation, and also try to put yourself in his shoes.
Then, of course, you also want him to try and understand things from your perspective. Maybe you can work something out (like more attention for him during alone time, asking others to help perhaps)… good luck!” Doritos_nachocheese
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and I dare you OP to do this one thing: Talk to Jamie and explain your situation in full, and how there is a good chance that due to this arrangement, you will be alone at age 40, while he is married and possibly raising his own family.
A true friend would be horrified and demand you stop doing this to yourself. A true friend would see they have resources and can find another way so that you, their friend, can go live your own life to its fullest.
OP, try switching the roles. Imagine you had an inheritance and a SO you plan to marry and maybe have children with, had this illness, and a friend Jamie was helping you similar to your helping him. Now imagine Jamie telling you his complete situation, and that he would likely be alone at age 40.
You would never accept this sacrifice from Jamie.” jphamlore
Another User Comments:
“This is a very selfless thing you are doing. I disagree with many responses that say you are ruining your life, as long as you truly consider this the right option for you, I can only say that you are a better person than most.
I don’t think Ben is the jerk, sometimes priorities clash. You want a relationship where you can take care of Jamie, and Ben does not think that is acceptable in a partner. If you explained everything to him as you say you did, then maybe he simply underestimated it, and I can’t fault him for that, it is hard to imagine yourself in that situation.
I’m very sorry about your relationship. As other people here do have a point that you should not suffer too much yourself about this arrangement, maybe it is a good idea to look into backup options for Jamie (for example, in case you yourself are not able to take care of him, for whatever reason).
It is likely that it will be hard to find a long-term partner with this arrangement with Jamie in place, but there are always people who will find it acceptable (and perhaps even admirable).
No jerks here.” MiChrRo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ: OP, you are not getting the big picture — you did it.
Jamie is now a grown adult of 25 who can work to support himself, he has his inheritance, he has a relative who can in an emergency make medical decisions for him, and he has a partner so that a life such as marriage and maybe even children are open to him.
If heaven forbid something were to happen to you, Jamie could find a way to keep advancing his life. Your work is done.
It is your time now, your time to go for whatever you need to do for your future without hindrance from feeling you have to care for Jamie.
That is why I dare you to talk to Jamie about these things. If Jamie is the friend you think he is, I am sure he will tell you the same thing, urge you to live your own life to its fullest without worrying about him.
The details of your story are unique, but I can assure you the general theme is not. I have read several stories where the answer was for OP to simply talk to the person they think they are essential to. And the resolution over and over again is the person they think is dependent on them to sacrifice their life is not, and that the family member or friend tells OP to go live their own life.” jphamlore
3. AITJ For Opening My Partner's Gift?
“A few months into being with my (now ex) partner, whom I will refer to as KP, he wanted to purchase a designer bag, which was sold out in our country.
The bag was available in Germany and my friend, Beatrice, a non-tech savvy lady in her 60s who lives in Germany and is not into designer things, was coming home.
I asked Beatrice if she could buy the bag and bring it home for KP (he paid her back, of course!), to which she gracefully agreed.
Now, as most designer bags do, this bag had an embossed stamp of the ‘Brand, made in Country’.
There were two possible variations of the embossed stamp as this bag was manufactured in both Italy and France.
KP was being very particular about this and on top of a specific design and color, he wanted to ensure that the bag he was about to purchase stated ‘made in Italy’.
As a result, during my correspondence with Beatrice, I emphasized only buying the bag if it is embossed ‘made in Italy’.
A few days later, Beatrice told me that she had bought the bag but was unable to take any photos as she doesn’t have a smartphone.
Nonetheless, KP was very excited about his new purchase (which he had yet to pay for at this point).
When she arrived home about 2 weeks later, I picked up the bag from her, which was nicely packed in a box, went home, and unboxed it as I wanted to check whether Beatrice had gotten the right bag before handing it in over to KP.
Everything was good. I snapped a few photos and sent them to KP, but he lashed out at me saying that I robbed him of his chance at unboxing his gift. I told him that I just wanted to make sure that the bag was perfect so that he wouldn’t have to open the box to disappointment after waiting for so long.
He then called me a jerk and selfish and then refused to talk to me for days. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I think you had good intentions and maybe just didn’t think things through – a big part of the fun of this sort of purchase is definitely the unboxing.
That being said, he shouldn’t have said anything other than ‘Thank y’all so much for working together to help get me this bag.'” Fabulous_Piccolo_178
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You weren’t trying to spoil his excitement… you were trying to ensure that the bag was the correct one so he wasn’t disappointed.
I probably wouldn’t have sent him the pictures… but rather just opened it to ensure it was the right one and then let him open it up himself – but really that’s just an ‘in hindsight’ thing. The reality is that he was being a jerk to get THAT upset so as to not talk to you for days.
I’m glad he’s an ex!” MissSuzieSunshine
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, did you need to open it and send pictures? If the concern was what was on the label, I assume you saw the label and confirmed. Then the ex could have opened it himself later.
That said, he also overreacted and needs to be an ex.” QuitaQuites
Another User Comments:
“A gentle YTJ. I understand where you’re coming from but it sounds like it was an expensive and highly coveted item for your ex. I think it can be an exciting moment to open a package for some and it sounds like he was disappointed he couldn’t do it. If you knew he was looking forward to it, I think you should have waited and done it together, but hindsight is always 20/20.” Atlas1506
2. AITJ For Belittling A Nurse?
“This happened about 2 weeks ago and I’m unsure how to feel. I (21F) went to a local wound clinic for a weekly appointment. One of the nurses there we’ll refer to as RN. We were chatting and she said my urine looked funny (I have a subpubic catheter) and started asking questions about my catheter – like how long has it been in and when was the bag last changed.
I answered her questions to the best of my ability and said I’d bring it up to R (home health nurse) since he knows more about the Urology side (he does the catheter changes and urine samples and stuff) and she got upset saying she knew more than I probably realized.
I told her that I never denied that, but R is my home health nurse while she does wound care.
She got quiet after that and left the room. When MD (doctor) came in, he immediately started berating me and saying I needed to apologize to RN for implying she knew less than a home health nurse, that she was their expert on this, that they trained R, etc.
I told my mom after the appointment and she said I shouldn’t have to apologize and that I have the right to say I’m more comfortable discussing things with someone else. So, AITJ?
Edit: a little mini update, we spoke with the head nurse of the clinic, and they refused to escalate anything saying I must have misunderstood RN and that MD was more than likely just protecting his staff.
MD has now started to interfere with home health by refusing to sign paperwork from the last visit. (They can get in trouble with the state for not having a signature on my care plan.) We’re planning on taking our complaint higher up the chain of command.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ, but you did slightly mess up by suggesting that R knew more about urology, rather than that you were more comfortable discussing it with your regular nurse.
You don’t owe anyone an apology, but there’s a degree of self-preservation in keeping medics that you may need to see again on your side.
If I were you, I’d drop them an email and explain that you were surprised by the questions when you were in for something else and that you were just more comfortable talking about that particularly personal issue with R because they’re your usual nurse, not because you doubted RN’s expertise.
That may not all be true, but it doesn’t have to be – you need to do what’s best for you, and that’s probably not picking a fight with a medical team you rely on.” _ewan_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you were polite in acknowledging her questions and concerns.
You did not blatantly say that she didn’t know anything, you simply stated that you will be reaching out to another medical professional that has more frequent contact with you. She needs to get over herself and her ego. Sounds like she immediately spun a different narrative to her colleagues to gossip and complain.
Sorry you had this unfortunate encounter.” No_Gift_4757
Another User Comments:
“If the RN noticed something off with your urine it’s important to ask questions, it’s part of assessing a patient. By dismissing the questions and saying you’ll bring it up to someone else, it affects the assessment of the nurse asking you questions.
I don’t want to fully say YTJ but all nurses undergo lots of education and learn about a wide variety of things (in school alone they go through a variety of placement opportunities to learn about particular specialties) and I do think it was kind of unfair to assume this nurse didn’t have sufficient education/knowledge of the subject to help you.” caffeinated_365
1. AITJ For Not Wanting My Child To Bond With Her Cousins?
“So it’s been 2 and a half years since both brothers split with their partners about 4-6 weeks ago and P (36m) now lives on my parents’ couch while D (27m) lives with my sisters. Both of them have their kids over on the weekends.
This obviously impacts me and my routine, which involves childcare on the weekend because my child (A/2yoF) stays with my sisters every Saturday night, as I work early Sunday. This has been going on for about a month and I was absolutely devastated, I didn’t resent my sisters for making up with my brothers but I was not in the same headspace and didn’t want A around them.
Unfortunately, beggars can’t be choosers and I essentially had to suck it up and deal with her being around D and his kids on the weekends, out of necessity. She has also been around P at my parents’ house but hasn’t met his kids yet.
I’ve been told that P has said that he’s not interested in reconciling with me, but the kids should be able to play together.
The issue: on Saturday, I was due to drop A at my parent’s (where P and his kids were) because my sisters were working, but then I had a call saying I could take A after all, so I didn’t take her to my parents.
Apparently, P’s kids (5 & 3) were super excited to meet A and share their toys with her, but then bummed out when we didn’t turn up.
My mum called me spiteful, said the kids were innocent and I was causing A to miss out by keeping her from her cousins.
I said that P didn’t care about excluding A up until now and the only reason this is an issue, is because his partner dumped him and he needed somewhere to live, otherwise he wouldn’t be around. I also reminded her that HE created this whole situation by cutting me off 2+ years ago, so if she wants to be mad, she needs to redirect her anger at him.
My argument is that A isn’t missing what she doesn’t know, but if she builds a relationship with his kids, once he gets his own place, she won’t see them again and might be upset, because we won’t be organizing playdates.
I don’t have a choice with D’s kids, but I do with P’s. But his kids are also innocent in all this.
In my head, I’m protecting her from unnecessary future hurt. She’s been abandoned by her father, her uncles cut us off and excluded her and they’re only back now because they both got kicked out.
Plus they don’t deserve to know her and be ‘Uncles’. But the kids want to spend time with her, from what I’ve been told.
AITJ for keeping her away from her cousins? If I could, I’d avoid her being around my brothers and their kids at all costs.
They’re just not my family anymore.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
I don’t know why you lost contact with your brother so I can’t comment on why he’s been away or whatnot.
You’re keeping your daughter away from her cousins. This is hurtful both for your daughter and for her cousins.
You won’t organize play dates, sure, but the kids can still meet up with their grandparents and they can have the chance to actually be friends with each other in the future. Don’t take it away from them out of spite for your brother.” ExcellentPatience298
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
But don’t go out of your way to avoid them either. Kids don’t stay kids forever, they have a whole future ahead with your family. I grew up with a bad grandma who played favorites, one messed up Aunt & Uncle, and one slightly messed up Aunt (plus a handful of completely normal relatives).
Kids don’t fully understand adult drama, nor do they care. My cousins and I got along great as kids, and even as I grew up and learned how to recognize the drama I was able to maintain good relations with the cousins that I only saw once in a while.
As the next generation, we were able to have a more normal relationship and not continue our parents’ issues: helpful because when we have to see each other at events like weddings and funerals, we get along nicely.” TrainingDearest
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, your kids are their own little people and can play with who they want, as long as they’re not being harmed or in danger.
Unless you’re going to be one of those mothers who control all aspects of their lives and only let them talk to people you approve of. The kids aren’t who you have a problem with, it’s the parents and you don’t have to talk to them.” Sudden-Possible3263
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