People Want Us To Point Fingers In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Yelling At My Cousins Because Of My Period?
“I’m 14 and a few days ago, my cousins came over. I’m pretty close to them, even if they’re all younger than me (ages are 8, 10, and 11, and they’re all boys. My sister is also 11). At one point, they all wanted to go to the pool we have in our backyard, and though it was cloudy and windy, the parents gave in. I, however, didn’t want to swim, because I’m on my period and I hate swimming when I’m on my period.
I also wasn’t wearing a tampon or anything like that, and anyway, the weather wasn’t that great.
The adults went inside to chat and told me to stay outside and watch over the kids in case, which would be fine but my cousins and sister kept begging me to come into the pool. I didn’t feel like telling them all the reasons why I didn’t want to, so I just kept refusing.
But they never take no for an answer and their constant asking got too annoying, so I finally agreed to dip my feet into the pool to get them quiet. What I didn’t expect was for them to try to pull me in (though in retrospect, that’s exactly what they’d do). I didn’t get fully wet, just my lower half and the water didn’t soak into my pad or anything but it was close.
I kind of lost it then. I screamed at them that I was ‘on my freaking period’ and ‘why can’t (they) accept people don’t have to do exactly what (they) want’ and then I stormed inside the house to change.
Later, my cousins complained to their parents about it, naturally. I was called into the room with all the adults in my family to talk. My aunts were upset that I talked to their sons about my period and explained to me they didn’t have to know about that stuff yet, which I thought was stupid because I was about as young as them when I learned about periods and it’s not like they have to experience it.
Plus, I didn’t give them a whole in-depth talk about what a period was so I didn’t think it was that bad.
But my mom also told me I should’ve just kept it to myself and not made it a big deal, and it’s not like I was eight (like one of my cousins) when I learned about this stuff (which is true). I gave up proving my point because my whole family generally agreed I was in the wrong, so I said sorry and tried to move past it.
But everything’s still kind of awkward and my cousins and aunts haven’t really talked to me since, which makes me feel kind of guilty and worried that I really was being a jerk.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your cousins can deal with the fact that periods exist if you have to. That being said, the bigger issue is that they pulled you into the pool without your consent.
That was wrong regardless of the reason. So the fact that you had your period was not really important. You said no and they should have respected that.” vrcraftauthor
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your response was pretty normal given the situation and they shouldn’t have forced you. Also, there’s nothing bad about learning about periods even at a young age, it’s a part of life and how the body works, totally natural.
I’ve cousins that are 9 and 11 years younger than me and I never hid when I was on my period even when they were younger than your cousins. I would partially get your family wanting them to learn about it from adults but it wasn’t like you gave them a lecture on periods or something.” CrazyCuriousEli
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If they are not taking no for an answer, and then force you to do it, what else can you do but snap, the straw that broke the camel’s back and all that. The mom NEEDS NEEDS NEEDS to teach her kids that anything but a hard YES, means NO with stuff like this before they make a bigger mistake with consent.” Nalpona_Freesun
21. AITJ For Having A Guy Over While My Son Is Away?
“My (28) son (2m) is the product of a one-night stand. His father D (31) and I don’t have much of a relationship, but my son spends every other weekend with him. He picks him up from daycare on Friday and drops him off Sunday afternoon.
Last weekend I went out with my friends, and I brought a guy home. I’ve barely gone out and I haven’t ‘known’ a man since I got pregnant, and I decided to treat myself with some TLC.
Sunday morning D and my son showed up at my door at 9 am. The guy was still there, as we hadn’t even woken up yet. I told him to get dressed and get out. My son was pretty unfazed and just went to the kitchen and asked for a snack. D, on the other hand, was livid. He started berating me about how irresponsible I was for bringing a stranger into his son’s home.
I told him he was one to talk, as he’s been in his second relationship since I got pregnant. He said that was different since they were ‘committed relationships’ and not some random guy, to which I replied that I had held my tongue about him introducing our son to two different girls in two years, but if this was how he was gonna talk to me for having a guy over when my son wasn’t even supposed to be home for another 7 hours, he’d have to introduce his partners to me before introducing them to our son going forward.
He called me a promiscuous woman and a female dog and told me he didn’t have to answer to me. I told him he doesn’t get to judge me for sleeping with someone one time since we met when he’s out there sleeping around. He didn’t reply and just turned around and left without saying goodbye to his son.
His partner texted me and called me names for implying that she was some random chick, and his mother, with whom I’ve had a civil relationship up until now said I was wrong to bring a guy into my son’s home.
That I, as the mother, should be prepared for emergencies. I think I should be able to do what I want when my son isn’t home and that this situation is entirely on D for showing up 7 hours early. I don’t even know why he cut the weekend short and didn’t even text me in advance, which would have given me a chance to kick the guy out before D showed up with my son.
I haven’t even been seeing someone for almost three years, and this is the first time I’ve taken the pressure off since getting pregnant.
Am I really the jerk for having some fun when my son wasn’t home?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But there are several things wrong here.
1. Your ex shouldn’t just drop by without any warning. That’s disrespectful.
2. Your ex’s partner has no business texting you. Block her number now.
3. Your ex’s mom has no business judging you for what you do in your own home on your own time. You’re a single mom who’s entitled to have a personal life, especially since your son was away.
4. Your ex needs to stop judging you and calling you names, especially in front of your son. See if you can do the child exchange at the door and your ex can stay outside.
You deserve to have your privacy just as much as he does. He’s already introduced 2 girls to your 2-year-old so he’s not one to judge you.” LoveBeach8
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You could have as many guys as you want and you still wouldn’t be the jerk. You take care of your kid and yourself. And you separated the two when necessary. While his father seemingly plays lip service to being a father.
Which as one, annoys me greatly. FYI I support my kid’s mom’s happiness too, as we’re raising a kid.” Key-Ad-5068
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, you could be taking on the entire local football team and it’s none of his business if your son isn’t at home with you at the time. Typical double standards. I like how the MIL judges OP’s one-night stand but the one that produced her grandson, that her son took part in is okay?? And he’s claiming moral superiority for not having women over but he did with OP so, again… it doesn’t make sense? I’ve got muscle tears from the contortions going on here.” sharri70
20. AITJ For Leaving A Bad Review About My Job?
“I live in a small town in Texas. I’ve been trying to make ends meet, and applied for a job cleaning apartment rentals.
They had me buy over $100 in name-brand cleaning products, saying ‘we can tell if you went to the dollar store, because of the smell.’ I did as they asked, then submitted a receipt, expecting to get a reimbursement, to which they said ‘we don’t do that.’
I thought, ‘ok, I guess I’ll make my money back through cleaning.’
On the first day, they put me with a trainer to clean this house that had been rented by 20-year-olds.
They trashed it. The trainer left me in the kitchen to clean moldy spaghetti out of these kitchen bowls, as she called her husband in the other room. I hear her crying and saying how she can’t stand it, and that they made her work nine days straight, without a day off.
She ends up leaving and I’m left to clean this busted house by myself.
I ended up cleaning three houses that day.
The next day, they give me two other five-bedroom houses… again, with people just trashing the bathroom.
Then the owner of the cleaning company sends me a text a 10:30 pm trying to put another house on me to clean.
I text her back and say ‘that’s too many houses for me.’
Anyway, some words were had, and I told them that the job wasn’t for me.
I quit.
Three weeks go by, and there’s no check.
Four weeks. No check.
I send an email to the owner asking if they were going to mail a check.
No response.
Five weeks, no check.
Every day that passes, makes me angrier and angrier.
I leave a Google review (in Spanish) to let potential cleaning ladies know they might be coerced into buying $100 in cleaning products, made to clean many houses, and not receive a paycheck if they decide to work for this company.
The next day, the owner responds (in English) and calls me a ‘disgruntled employee who isn’t happy in life.’
I edited my review (in Spanish) saying that I would be happier in life had I been paid for my labor… and gave the company 1 star.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You did one thing wrong here: you only left your review in Spanish.
You should edit that review, adding an English translation.
And then post that same full Spanish & English review of their business on every review website you can find.
Then file a Wage Theft Claim with the Texas Department of Labor, specifying the days and hours that you worked, along with a detailed description of the conditions in the houses you were assigned, and the attempt at 10:30 pm to get you to do yet another house.
NTJ.” cat-lover76
Another User Comments:
“NTJ by a long shot. It’s also time to report them to the local labor board for denying you the pay you’re entitled to if you can do so safely. I’d bet you dollars to donuts this isn’t the first time they’ve taken advantage of a new hire, and I’d double down to bet they’ll do it again.” Mudraphas
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you should have everyone you know leave a review as well. Btw first red flag should have been the company not supplying the cleaning supplies…” jboogie2173
19. AITJ For Not Wanting My Friend To Go Wherever He Wants With My Car?
“My friend has been consistently untrustworthy from eating my food without asking to making generally condescending remarks about me to others. Friend asked to use my car to see a sick relative. He said he had been ‘really stressed about making it to see (relative).’ I told him that’s a fine reason to use my car. I put $30 of gas (good for 80+ miles RT) in and asked him to follow up when he leaves and returns with the car.
I told him how to use the Bluetooth and so on, and left him with my AAA card.
Fast forward to a few days and he follows up as provided… but then thanks me for letting him use the car to buy groceries, hook up with a new girl, and practice with his band. His parents drove him to the hospital. He’s now taken the position that my offer was about the length of drive–making fun of my ‘logic,’ or apparent lack of it.
From my perspective, a sick relative is in a whole other category than ‘sleeping with a new girl’ and ‘band practice.’ I do not loan my car out for errands.
He has a habit of re/misinterpreting my words and this is another example in the book, in my honest opinion. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your car and he’s not entitled to it. Being given permission once doesn’t mean he gets to do so whenever he wants.
Remember op, you’re the one responsible for it. It goes on your record if he gets into an accident in your car and affects your insurance.
If I were you, I’d go so far as to end the friendship with this guy and tell him his lying and betrayal of your trust means he’s never using your car again. This dude treats you with disregard and doesn’t respect you.
Stop giving him your time, attention, and energy. He is no friend.” depressivedarling
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like for you, lending your car, for this reason, was a one-off exception to the general rule of ‘I don’t lend my car’ to allow him to respond to a perceived emergency. The friend isn’t understanding/is willfully ignoring that this was an exception and is therefore acting like cause shouldn’t matter.
Also, when I lend my car, it’s not a blanket yes unless I trust the person implicitly, I assess where they are going, who else will be there, weather, traffic, risk, etc., and expect them to use the car for the purpose it was meant. If only mileage mattered, using your car would also be fine for selling illegal stuff around the neighborhood and a bunch of other activities.” twiddlywerp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your ‘friend’ is the jerk, though. Your offer was ABSOLUTELY NOT about the miles. It was about visiting a relative who is likely shuffling off this mortal coil imminently. Your ‘friend’’s ‘logic’ is nonexistent. That’s some serious nonsense right there.
You don’t have to ditch this guy, but you need not go out of your way for this guy. At all. Ever again. And only trust him as far as you can throw him. Literally. Can you throw him 4 feet? OK. That’s how far you can trust him. I’m sad and angry for you that you had to learn the hard way that you can’t trust him for 40 miles.
Did he at least replace the gas? Because gas ain’t cheap right now.
Sorry for the bummer situation.” HedgieTwiggles
Set a boundary with this friend and don't allow them to borrow your car anymore or it's gonna get worse.
18. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner's Friends To Visit Us?
“I (19F) have never had a good relationship with my partner’s (19M) friend group. They have never insulted me straight up or talked bad about me behind my back as far as I know, but they have a sense of humor I’m not ok with. I don’t consider myself sensitive in any way, but the stuff they joke about is just distasteful. My partner is always trying to push us to get along which is fine, but it’s awkward since I’m the only girl.
They said they don’t mind me being there and invited me out themselves rather than telling my partner to bring me, which I appreciate, but the act I give in front of them is completely fake.
I can’t stand the misogynistic jokes they make and don’t want to put up with it any longer. I would never ask him to leave his friends and I hate asking him to have them over less, but they’re over our place 4 times a week, and stay till around 2 am.
They are very loud and it’s impossible to get work done while they’re over. There have also been nights when I have friends over and they make crude comments to the point that my guests leave out of uncomfortableness.
What pushed me over the edge was last week when I had to work a 12-hour shift (I’m a nurse in training) and all I wanted to do was sleep.
I told my partner this, but his friends came over unannounced. I greeted them but said I was very tired and would not be joining in on the fun. They did not take no for an answer and kept making misogynistic jokes about women always ruining the fun and told my partner he ‘got the wrong model’ like I’m a car or something.
To avoid any problems I ignored them and walked towards my room, but found out one of the guys locked my door from the inside so I couldn’t go in.
My partner didn’t acknowledge his friend’s behavior and wouldn’t make eye contact with me. To top it off, they asked me to make their food since I now was stuck here. I grabbed my stuff (I also had a laptop in my room for school that I couldn’t get to) and walked to a friend’s house after saying something along the lines of ‘nice friends you got’ to my partner.
He didn’t apologize once and only texted me to make sure I was safe (we live in the city). When I went home the next morning, my door was unlocked, but the knob is damaged and now will not lock again. I told my partner that his friends aren’t coming back until they apologize and fix my door, because I do not trust them with access to my room.
I also said that I only want them coming over two nights at most on weekdays. He sees this as completely unfair and said that I don’t get to decide this. Now things are super awkward, and neither of us is budging. I don’t think I did anything wrong but clearly, my partner thinks differently.
For some more info, I transferred colleges and was not able to find an apartment, so my partner let me take over his roommate’s 6-month lease because he left.
I don’t plan on staying here when the lease is up.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But your partner and his friends are. He allows them to treat you like trash. Read that again. He allows it. It’s your home too for the moment. Doesn’t sound like he’s working if his mates can come around 4 out of 5 nights until the early hours of the morning. What on earth does he bring to the table? He doesn’t recognize the fact that his mates are repugnant so he obviously sees nothing wrong with their behavior.
God only knows what they all say about you when you’re not there since they are vile when you are! I would be looking at moving out urgently.” sharri70
Another User Comments:
“NTJ to your question, but, of course, that’s not the biggest issue.
1. Your maturity and your values at 19 are very different than your partner’s. He may eventually grow up/out of his poor behavior, but you really don’t want to hang around waiting for that to happen.
You may want to give him the time left on your lease to show you he can step up, or you may know sooner that you and he just aren’t compatible. (Even if it is only this one thing, it’s a big thing.) What you can’t do is expect him to change on your timeline. You can only realize this is who he is now, and who he is is not working for you.
2. Any roommate has the right to reasonable consideration. The limits you want to set are beyond reasonable. (Don’t forget to limit the hours on the weeknight visits.) What is your partner doing with his days that he can party late with friends so often? This suggests another aspect of him being on a different track than you.
3. Even if the friends do some kind of good things, their behavior overall is not at all what you want to be surrounded by.
It’s OK, to be honest, that you don’t see that a good relationship can grow from time with them and stop that futile effort. It is enough to be both normally polite with them and still firm on your boundaries with them while you remain in the apartment.” swillshop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I think it’s important to note that your partner’s friends seem to be comfortable with making misogynistic jokes and comments around your partner.
This suggests either (a) your partner actively takes part in similar jokes and comments, making him a misogynist, (b) laughs at such jokes and finds them funny, making him a misogynist, or (c) doesn’t actively say anything against them, making him an enabler of misogyny. Make of that what you will.
Even if your partner isn’t a misogynist, the fact that he chose not to stand up for you when you were the target of misogynistic jokes suggests that the enjoyment of his friends takes priority over any offense or discomfort you may have felt.
Again, make of that what you will.
If you are living together, your partner doesn’t get to make all decisions on visitors unilaterally. If his visitors are making it impossible for you to relax in your own home, you definitely have the right to say that that is not okay with you. His unwillingness to acknowledge the right that you have to your own home is controlling behavior. You are definitely NTJ for this specific instance, but I’d also say that there are broader considerations to be made about the relationship.” one_bin
17. AITJ For Not Inviting My Entitled Relatives To Dinner?
“My older relatives (who are actually my parents’ good friends, but treated as aunt/uncle) have a terrible habit of just showing up unannounced around supper time without calling ahead first. I find this habit obnoxious and frankly disrespectful of my time. They will ‘stop by’ and stay for hours, delaying any plans we might have had. My widowed father I live with will socialize with them out of politeness, but he is also annoyed that they show up uninvited at random times and vents about it after they leave.
These relatives never invite us to do anything with them these days, but only bother to show up sporadically in the evenings when we’re tired from working. Today they showed up and I just greeted them, stirred a pot of stew I was cooking, and then retreated to my bedroom. This is rude, at least in my culture, and people have made comments towards me about it that made me feel like the jerk about it in the past, but I feel very put-upon and annoyed that they just show up any time without warning when I’m in the middle of just having a quiet beer, working on some personal projects, and trying to cook supper.
Like Bilbo Baggins, I don’t mind having guests, I’d just prefer to invite them myself. I believe it is generally rude to just show up at someone’s house.
I’m especially annoyed tonight because this was a special meal I made for my father that is a family recipe. I’ve been working nights a lot lately and we haven’t had as much time to socialize and bond. My mother passed in January so we’ve been trying to spend time together for solidarity, but I work two jobs and I’m tired all the time.
I also have autism so unexpected changes (like uninvited houseguests) induce a lot of anxiety.
I know the polite thing to do would be to invite these relatives to dinner or at least entertain them in the living room, and it makes me feel ungenerous not to do it, but honestly, I don’t want to encourage their habit of showing up at supper, especially since we are never invited to supper at their place.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should set boundaries. My parents use to do this a lot. Your suggestion about inviting them over could help but I’ll take it one step further, based on my experience: plan in advance when they’re invited for dinner. Then, during dinner, plan their next visit. When saying goodbye, say, ‘see you (insert date of next planned visit here)!’ I found that was really helpful.
If they come sooner, you could greet them with, ‘hi we weren’t expecting you so we can’t talk or eat with you, but we’re really excited to see you on (insert date).’ And if they can’t respect this, make the invites farther out, and eventually, it may become holidays or birthdays only. But, hold firm to the idea that unless it’s a planned time you will not be socializing.
Not foolproof, but it seemed to work with my parents – thank God it did because it was getting ROUGH for a bit there.” XL_popcorn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I do think you and your father should talk about those bad habits. If they are close enough to just show up at dinner, they are close enough for you guys to set some boundaries.
About locking yourself in your bedroom: I really think if they show up unannounced, they shouldn’t expect you or your father to just skip on what you were doing.
If what you’re doing was locking yourself in the bedroom, that is your business and they shouldn’t expect anything from you. Of course, that does not apply in a situation where you were warned and agreed on your friends being there.” cakebytheocean2010
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – as a fellow person who comes from a culture where it’s rude to not entertain guests and boundary convos are hard, I have advice that went around the internet a while back: When they arrive at your place, you and your dad put on your jackets, grab your purse, keys, answer the door and say ‘Oh it’s so nice you stopped by! We were just heading out to dinner plans/a concert/etc and are running late so can’t stay and chat. Would tomorrow work for you?’ Lock the door behind you. Walk them to their car. Leave the house, and drive around the block. Done.” MelodicCarpenter7
16. AITJ For Being Upset At My Partner For Not Defending Me To His Dad?
“So yesterday my partner and I went to his father’s house for dinner and his dad made a rude comment about my tattoos. Quick backstory; he doesn’t like tattoos and thinks everyone with them is unprofessional and for lack of better words, idiotic. I get embarrassed to go there because I have tattoos that will sometimes show, and I express that to my partner and get worried about what he will say as I have pretty bad anxiety, and my partner says it’s fine don’t worry about it who cares.
Every time we visit him or eat somewhere with him he says something about my tattoos.
Anyways we just showed up, he saw a tattoo he hasn’t seen before and asked if I got ‘another tattoo.’ I said no I’ve had this one for years. He then goes on to say ‘god you take beautiful women and COMPLETELY ruin them with these tattoos. If you handed me a book with 500 women all tattooed except for 1 I’d choose the 1’.
My partner goes on to laugh and I immediately wanted to go to the bathroom to let out a quick tear and gather myself so I could enjoy the rest of the dinner. After we left I told my partner that I didn’t appreciate how he didn’t stick up for me in any way at all, not even a ‘well I like them’ or ‘well she likes them’ and he proceeded to argue and say he didn’t mean it in that way and I said well whatever way he meant it hurt my feelings and he said, ‘well he didn’t mean it that way so if that hurt your feelings that’s on you’.
I just need to know if I’m being dramatic or if someone else would feel the same way.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are not being dramatic. I’m sorry you have to deal with those comments and that your partner didn’t feel the need to stick up for you. FIL is a jerk and your partner had to grow up with him his entire life. He tells you to just not care what FIL says because that’s how he feels/how he wishes he could feel, but clearly, he still needs that approval because he laughed at his dad’s rude, dumb joke and was mad you called him out on it.
He needs to get over it and he should defend you, but that may be really hard for him to do after a lifetime of learning how to stay on his jerk dad’s good side.
Try to have another serious talk with him, but I would highly recommend not staying in a relationship with someone that is not prepared to put you above his parents. It sucks and doesn’t necessarily make him a bad person, but you do deserve better and if he can’t work on that for you, then you should find a new relationship where you won’t have to be treated like crap or worry that any future kids would be treated like crap.” Lesmiserablemuffins
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, please realize that your partner’s father giving unsolicited opinions on your appearance is rude and gross, your partner’s father giving unsolicited opinions about your appearance then directly launching a discussion about what he finds appealing is disturbing because why would you want your partner’s father to be attracted to you?
Why is your partner bringing you into the home of a man who dissects your appearance based on what he finds pleasing? Why does your partner want his dad to find you personally attractive according to his dad’s niche tastes rather than your own and not pointing out what his dad is doing is sick?
There’s being an awful host and then there is reducing a guest down to her appearance and discussing which women he would ‘pick’, PICK FOR WHAT? WHAT WOULD HE BE DOING WITH THE WOMAN HE PICKED? What a gross, nasty old man.” HannahAnthonia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I don’t think you’re being over dramatic, I think you just had enough.
It’s exhausting to deal with in-laws who are like that. I really think your SO should be defending you. It kind of almost seems like he really doesn’t care. From day one to 10 years later, my wife and I have always defended each other. If it was up to me I would just stop visiting. Your partner doesn’t like it. Well, then it’s time for some deep conversations. No one should feel unwelcomed. Also, if you feel like pushing through the pain and keep making appearances, it’s time to start developing some witty comebacks to get him to shut his mouth. I am also really petty though so that’s just me!” whatintarnationlol
15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay For Someone To Take Our Place?
“My family has made a tradition of renting a large house at the beach for a week during the summer. We didn’t go last year. I currently have a 4-year-old and a 1.5-year-old and even before the house was booked for this summer, I had doubts about going for many different reasons. For example, I have a lot of anxiety about traveling and the sleep situation with my kids, especially with the younger one (he’s never been a great sleeper at night even in his own home).
So as the date got closer, I realized the stress I felt about it all was only getting worse while my sister kept talking about how much she was looking forward to the trip. I had some other dramas happen with my cousin who also would be going with her parents and that kind of felt like the cherry on top.
I decided we weren’t going to go this year – my mental health should be prioritized over any disappointment my family felt about us not going.
So I told my sister and she tried to convince me to change my mind. She was disappointed that her 3.5-year-old would be the only child there. I told her that we’d still pay our share as we committed and wouldn’t burden the rest of the family to cover the difference. At the end of it all, she asked me if she could invite her friends who have a son that already hangs out with their daughter pretty regularly.
I said of course as long as it’s okay with the rest of the family. So yesterday she was at my house and told me they can go, and I told her that’s great… and also a plus that we don’t have to pay anymore either.
Then today I texted her and asked her if she told my parents that their friends are going instead of us and she said she did, but then follows up with what I said yesterday about not paying anymore.
She had asked her friends about joining their vacation with the assumption that we were still paying. I understand that walking that back might be kind of awkward but I genuinely thought it was implied that if someone else was taking our spot, they were going to cover the financial burden.
If I tell my sister that I don’t think I should be the one paying for her friends to go in our place…
am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You told her you would still cover your share, and she asked if she could bring friends then that had a little one as well. You said of course, as long as the rest of the family was ok with it. No mention of the friends paying.
It wasn’t until after she asked the friends and said they could come that you pulled the ‘oh good I don’t have to pay now.’
The way you describe it, you were gifting the spots.
I get where you are coming from, but you should have made it clear in that first conversation that you would love it if she could find someone to buy your share. You didn’t, so YTJ.” Samorjj
Another User Comments:
“Yet another example where you need to be crystal clear about expectations of $ and family.
It is not right for you to have to pay for someone else’s vacation.
Not a jerk for that at all, but take this as a lesson that you need to be assertive. When sis asks if she can invite a friend, say that is ok but they’ll have to pay their own way, you are not paying for them to come.
NTJ.” mikeyj198
Another User Comments:
“The way you’ve described the situation, you’re still the one responsible for paying for the spot.
You stated you’d be paying for your place even though you wouldn’t be attending and left it at that. You didn’t ask your family if there was anyone else they wanted to invite who could take over the cost, and when your sister asked if her friends could come instead you neither discussed nor settled on reimbursement.
YWBTJ.” ijustwantedmytruck
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Yes, you should have been more clear but who gives away hundreds of dollars in a free vacation? No one, that’s who. I’m guessing you didn’t clarify because it didn’t cross your mind that you would be expected to foot the bill for someone else to enjoy a vacation. I would firmly say you will not be paying and stick to your guns.” Janeite84
14. AITJ For Not Inviting My MIL's Partner To Mother's Day Lunch?
“My (32f) MIL (72f) is furious with my fiancé (30m) and me for not inviting her partner of 4 months to Mother’s Day brunch.
For context, my fiancé and I are getting married on May 14th of this year, so Mother’s Day is 6 days before our wedding day. My fiancé did not want to do anything for Mother’s Day this year, as we are going to be really busy with last-minute things for the wedding.
However, being the people pleaser I am, I thought it would be nice to surprise both of our mothers with a reservation for brunch on Mother’s Day. My fiancé agreed and we started looking into brunch spots. We live in Southeastern Michigan and a lot of the brunch spots were already booked for Mother’s Day, so I wanted to make a reservation as soon as I could.
I figured worst case I could cancel the reservation if I needed to. I found a reservation for 4 people at a really nice restaurant that wasn’t too far from us or our mom’s. My fiancé and I were excited to surprise our moms with a nice meal since our financial situation is the best it’s been since we’ve been together.
This morning I texted my mom saying that we had a reservation for brunch for Mother’s Day.
My mom was excited and told us she was looking forward to it. My fiancé texted his mom the same thing and immediately received a phone call. His mom asked if her partner was also invited, to which my fiancé said no. His mom then said that her partner basically lives with her now and she was feeling ‘very dissed’ that he couldn’t come and next time we needed to confirm with her before making any reservations.
We told her we would try to change the reservation to 5 people, but when I called the restaurant I was told I was unable to modify my reservation.
When we told my MIL we were unable to modify the reservation, we told her that we thought it would be nice just to have brunch with just our mothers but if she was too upset with her partner not being able to come, she didn’t have to come.
My MIL then told us she was coming but she was ‘not happy’ and we should have explained to her from the beginning that we wanted to spend time just with her and my mom.
This is not the first time she has treated us like this when we wanted to do something nice for her. My fiancé wants to have almost no contact with her after the wedding as he is tired of her treating him (and me, but she’s been like this his whole life) like this.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Please for the love of God listen to your fiance.
If he doesn’t even want to do anything for mother’s day for his mom, you should have just done something with your mother. If he wants to go to NC after the wedding, not only support him in it but go NC yourself. You may have an amazing relationship with your mom, but he doesn’t have a mom like yours.
Stop trying to please her, NOTHING will make her happy if she is annoyed that her son and his fiance wanted to take their moms to brunch on mother’s day, and her son didn’t think about her partner of 4 lame months. Ridiculous.” McflyThrowaway01
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This is meant to just be for the moms and she should be thrilled y’all are taking the time to do this less than a week before your wedding!” Knittingfairy09113
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘My fiancé wants to have almost no contact with her after the wedding as he is tired of her treating him (and me, but she’s been like this his whole life) like this.’
Your fiance is a wise man.
First off there is nothing wrong to assume a mother’s day brunch celebration would just be mothers and their children.
Second off, you already tried accommodating her by changing the reservation, but if the restaurant says no, you kinda have no control over that. She has no right to be angry or bitter about this.
Third off, for her to make mother’s day about her partner really shows how much she respects her relationship with you guys.” ThomzLC
13. AITJ For Taking A Shower Late At Night?
“I am a woman living with two other women in my apartment. I also work full time and am a student so sometimes I get home at 10ish and I used to take a shower at 1 AM. The roommate in question does not work and only goes to church. My roommate complained that the sounds of the shower were keeping her up, so I started taking showers as soon as I get off from work.
Today I took one at 10 PM, and she complained to me that it was disrespectful to take one at a time when she was sleeping. But her room light was on, so I didn’t think much of it, plus I don’t think it’s irrational to take a shower at 10 PM. She takes showers at 5 AM and 6 AM so I don’t think either is extreme.
I explained to her my situation, that I’m a full-time student and that I’m also working 40 hours a week, so sometimes my schedule is late.
She just responded that she was also in the same situation when she was in college and that she took showers without disturbing her roommates. My other roommate has not complained about it at all. I am really confused now, I always thought 10 PM was a normal time to take showers.
AITJ for showering at a later time?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you pay your bills, shower whenever you want. You don’t owe her anything.
Trust me, when I tell you that stupid petty nonsense like this only gets worse if you give an inch. They don’t suddenly go, oh! She did as I asked, I will leave her alone now. No, what will happen, is she sees that you are willing to do this, next it will be something else.
You don’t need permission to shower, eat, have people over, watch TV, talk on the phone, or anything else. Be respectful, other than that tell them to buzz off.” Tricky_Dog1465
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your roommate is however a jerk and being extremely unreasonable.
You study + work and shower immediately after work which is 10 pm, these are perfectly reasonable conditions and your roommate has no business complaining to you about them.
If you really want to throw some objective statistics to your roommate’s face, she is being more unreasonable bathing at 5/6 am than you at 10 pm:
Quote online:
‘Americans spend an average of 7 hours and 18 minutes in bed each night. They go to bed at 11:39 p.m., wake up at 7:09 a.m., spend 23.95 minutes snoring, have an average sleep quality of 74.2 percent, and rate their wake-up mood at 57 on a scale of 100.'” ThomzLC
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
When living with other people on different schedules you need to understand that they may shower at times when you are sleeping.” Nalpona_Freesun
12. AITJ For Arguing With My Ex-Friend's Mom?
“My friend Rin and I are both 14 and got into an argument with our EX-friend’s mum who is 4 times our age. This had all started because our friend Jenson (M14) has always had a problem with lying and just lacks communication with any of his family.
Earlier this month we were all sitting at a Maccies when my phone rang and it wasn’t a surprise since his mum had done it before.
His mum was shouting at me down the phone saying where is her child and why was I hanging with him. I said he was next to me and handed him the phone. When he finished his convo he sat back down and said he needed to go home since he didn’t tell his mum where he was AGAIN.
We thought that was it, however, when he leaves, his mom says in a group chat with me and Rin in it that we were bad influences and made him not tell her where he was, and we had also made his grades slip because we had gone on 3-hour calls with him.
Which was a complete lie since the longest we’ve been on a call with him for was 1 hour at most. When we had tests coming up, we studied our butts off and had grades to show it. We had encouraged him to do the same, but he had refused. I had kindly suggested to her that she shouldn’t get angry at him since she was the one that took his only device for communication from him (phone).
Rin then made a comment saying his grades are slipping because of his bad mental health (which he had openly said to us that it was bad because his family treated him like trash). She goes on to say he tells her everything cause he was a ‘MUMMY’S BOY’ and if we had bad mental health then our parents didn’t raise us well and didn’t care about us.
I lose it and I eventually black out from the anger and I don’t remember most from that night. When I started to come around Jenson had eventually got his phone back from his mum and had a go at me saying I was a jerk, and toxic and his mum even chimed in and called both me and Rin jerks.
I got emotional so at that moment I had found her social media and apologized saying I have anger issues (true) and this happens regularly and I didn’t mean most of what I said to her.
(I did that for fear of losing a friendship that he quite clearly didn’t care about.) He said he didn’t want to be friends and since I couldn’t remember most of the argument I was crying and suddenly he had switched up saying I only wanted an apology and I didn’t care and I love you and proceeded to ask me out (of course I said no).
The next day he had said can we pretend it didn’t happen and go back to how it was.
Added info: he was always toxic, he insulted my religious beads, made fun of me relentlessly, and tried to turn me and Rin on each other.
So are Rin and I the jerks?”
Another User Comments:
“100% not the jerk especially since he was disrespecting your religion and bringing his mum into it.” rinny2250x
11. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mom To Look At My Laptop?
“I (14f) am a writer who has recently decided that I want to buy a Chromebook for writing. I was planning on buying it with my own savings, but my mom has suggested that she get it as a birthday gift for me since it’s in like two months. This would be fine except for the fact that my mom has a history of looking at my texts, phone calls, and search history.
I’m worried that she will use the fact that she bought it as grounds to take it if she finds something she doesn’t like. I consider myself a good kid and haven’t ever done anything to be in big trouble. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting her to look at my Chromebook?”
Another User Comments:
“You buying your own laptop would not change her view of being able to go through it.
You don’t have to be happy about it. Most 14-year-olds in your situation wouldn’t be. Many parents of said 14-year-olds would keep on snooping regardless under the pretext of ensuring you do not come across age-inappropriate content or dangerous situations.
Nor would you buying it mean she would be unable to confiscate it. A parent can take away their children’s possessions regardless of who bought them.
NTJ but it’s one of those situations where there is very little you can do about it.
Passwording may not work as she may simply coerce the password from you, take it to a professional or simply disallow you to use it anymore.” Apidium
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Of course, you want your privacy, and of course, your mom wants to monitor your internet usage.
Most Chromebooks don’t have a lot of storage space, so it may be wise to get a thumb drive and password protect any files you don’t want her to look at.
Then she can monitor the online stuff without reading your private files. It’s annoying, but teens really can find themselves in way over their heads online, and responsible parents do keep an eye on what their kids are up to on the internet.” Ill_Departure6273
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your mom still gets to look. There are way too many creepy people on the internet with bad intentions. There are also way too many teenage girls making decisions online that destroy their life for years if not forever. While you may want your privacy your mom has an obligation to keep you safe in both the physical and online world. Give it about 15 years and you’ll understand.” DonutsAviator
10. AITJ For Being Absent Because Of Being Sick?
“I am a Music Major undergraduate at my college.
At the beginning of the semester, I was under Music Education, but I had a terrible GPA going into the semester and had a terrible schedule (8 AM-9 PM, only a lunch and dinner break) on some days. I became overly burnt out, so I didn’t enjoy my major as much, so I switched majors to Music with an Outside Field.
I had dropped some education classes.
Now, I have no interest in Music and have already been on the way out. My parents, however, said I should keep at my college for the rest of the semester, so I am.
However, recently, I have been extremely sick (and I think it’s burnout mixing with external sickness). I contact my teachers and I always get passive-aggressive responses when I try to get the resources for the class.
Some have even flat-out ignored me. I do my work and assignments, but the more the semester goes on, I flat out can’t function some days.
My teachers have been getting frustrated that I haven’t been attending class, and one called me ‘irresponsible’ for doing so. One of the teachers I have is even pushing me to withdraw from the college stating ‘you’ll never be good enough’, all because of my sickness absences.
However, as I stated before, I stayed because of my parents, and I’m stuck here for the rest of the semester. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I don’t get why the professors are getting annoyed. You’re just wasting your own time and I’m guessing parent’s money, I don’t see how it would affect them.” Rov422
Another User Comments:
“Go see a counselor. Mental health counselor and also an academic counselor.
Make sure you’re ok and also figure out what you want to study. It might be music and you just have some anxiety about it. It might be something else. But while you know you’re there for now use the resources you have to figure out your next step.
You can do it. Have some faith in yourself and take charge of your life. Trust your gut, but don’t be afraid to get some help and talk it out with someone.” darthurphoto
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Once, I emailed one of my professors at 2 am to say I was really ill and may not be able to take the exam later that day. He wrote back, if you are so sick, why are you awake at 2 am?
I was awake because everything hurt. Got a chest scan later and health services said possibly pneumonia.
The reality is they have a lot of other students and may judge at face value. Look into campus health resources and try to manage your illness as best as you can. I hope you feel better!” BlkCatx2
9. AITJ For Using The Handicap Stall Out Of Convenience?
“I do not always do this. During my first pregnancy, I never felt the need to. But I am carrying a lot bigger this pregnancy and at my church, the regular stalls are VERY narrow. I’ve found that I have trouble managing my excess body mass and am bumping into the toilet roll whenever I try to use them.
At church, on Saturday I walked in and the bathroom was completely empty so I used the handicap stall out of convenience and ease for me.
While I was in there, someone came in and got into one of the regular stalls. When I was washing my hands she finished and came up to me at the sink and asked if I had used the handicap stall. I said ‘yes, it’s easier for me to manage than the super narrow stalls here’ and she said ‘that is super rude and inconsiderate. You should be ashamed of yourself.
It’s not meant for you and it’s not right to potentially take away from someone else just because you can’.
I am appalled. I didn’t think it was a big deal. But then again, maybe it is? I am not handicapped so I don’t think I can truly be the judge. So coming here hoping to get some opinions. If I am the jerk, I would like to know because I really don’t want to be that way.
I just didn’t think it was a big deal.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I don’t understand why people are so crazy about the accessible stall. A lot of places use it as an accessible/family stall and include a changing table. And the most ‘intense’ situation I’ve been in is when I needed to change my child, but also a wheelchair user was in line. I was in front and asked if they needed it first and she just said ‘you were here first, I’ll use it after you’ and then everyone in front of her in line let her go when I was done.
I’ve also been in crowded stadiums with wheelchair users and while we waited for a moment when getting in line at the bathroom, as soon as people in the front of the line knew they were there, they’d part the Red Sea to let them get the accessible stall once it was available.
It’s not like a handicapped parking spot because public bathrooms are generally meant for short uses.
If it’s open and you’re alone, you’re good. If someone behind you NEEDS it, let them go ahead. It really isn’t that serious.” Jade_Echo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because it was genuinely more difficult for you to use the non-handicapped stall. No problem at all with that – you used the only facilities that could accommodate your needs properly. Same with reserved seating on PT – the reason you need it is no one’s business as long as you do need it.
Though, to all the people saying that they’re handicap-accessible stalls, not handicap-only, I would point out that this attitude can absolutely be taken too far. For folks whose disabilities come with major urgency to use the bathroom, they often CAN NOT be waiting unnecessarily for you, even if you think you’re just being quick. You taking a dump in the single disabled stall instead of waiting in line for the slew of non-disabled ones could be the difference between a disabled person making it to the bathroom and having an accident in public.
Not having reliable access to a dedicated bathroom keeps disabled folk from participating fairly in society, so if you’re (communal ‘you’ – definitely not talking about OP here) someone who uses the disabled bathroom to get changed for the bar after work or have a private messy vom/dump, you need to rethink your entitlement. There are circumstances in which using a disabled bathroom is reasonable as a non-disabled person but you should be making every effort to avoid it, not just seeing it as another stall.” sleepiestcatmum
Another User Comments:
“If you needed to use it, then you should be able to use it.
That’s why it exists because some people have accessibility needs, which can be because of many different factors. Consider special seats on the bus which are usually reserved for the elderly and pregnant people – those are not similar categories, but they have similar needs for rest. I don’t see a problem with that.
Apart from that, she couldn’t possibly have any idea if you have a disability, because a lot of them are invisible.
Going up to a stranger to question their use of accessible/handicap facilities is a jerk move and could cause a lot of daily stress for disabled people who constantly have to worry about being accosted in public and have to explain half their medical history just to be left alone.
And finally, it doesn’t sound like there was a long line to the bathroom. The accessible option should be available for those who need it, but if no one is using it it’s absolutely fine for someone else to use it as well. What’s the point in avoiding it? I don’t even know what there is to be upset over there.
NTJ” Tce_
8. AITJ For Making My Grandfather Doubt His Memory?
“A few months ago my grandmother passed away and my mother (58) and I (26F) moved by grandfather (85) into her house and I came to live with them to help take care of things. At least, that’s what I told my grandfather.
But I really moved in because my entire life my grandparents belittled my mother while letting my aunt (52) use her mental illness to explain why she constantly makes bad decisions.
Plus, anytime they made a bad decision, it was up to my mom to bail them out, so they collectively owe her a couple hundred thousand dollars over 30 years, and they think they don’t owe her a cent. So I moved in to protect my mother.
My grandfather is in good health and still works 20+ hours part-time and golfs multiple times a week. Even though he has some savings and still works for fun, he only contributes $600 a month to the house for food/rent/bills despite eating twice as much as my mother or me.
And he only unloads the dishwasher every few days. He has even gone off and left the dog outside loose cause he was going to be late for his golf match.
But what gets me is something petty: his chocolate habit. If there is milk/white chocolate in the house, he will devour it and leave nothing for anyone else. My mother likes dark chocolate too, so she buys that for herself.
But I like milk chocolate and since my grandfather moved in, I can’t eat any chocolate I haven’t hidden in my room.
When we told him we couldn’t keep up with his chocolate habit because of the rising prices, he threw a hissy fit and said that we should be taking better care of him and that included buying him chocolate for the amount he paid my mother every month.
My mother asked me not to say anything because she is tired of conflict, but I was livid.
So when a family friend gave us a nice Easter basket a week ago, I shooed my grandfather way to bed and stole all of the high-end chocolate out of it and hid it. When my grandfather came downstairs the next morning, he complained that he didn’t see the good chocolate, only the cheap stuff.
I looked him dead in the face and told him that chocolate was never in there. He insisted it was and I maintained it was not. He then asked my mom, who hadn’t actually seen the basket (which was on purpose on my part) so she couldn’t say yes or no. This continued for a couple of days until I had almost convinced him he had imagined it.
Then the friend called back to see how we liked it and she confirmed that it had in fact been in there.
My grandfather and the friend were extremely upset with me and told me I was being a horrible grandchild for lying to my grandfather and making him doubt his memory. Even my mother thinks I went too far. But I just see this as a small form of payback for all the things he has put my mother through and for being generally selfish.
Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ – I understand family dynamics are complex and not for people to judge but you posted on here so I’ll give you my opinion.
It’s nice that you moved in to defend your Mom since your grandpa sounds like he just cares about grandpa. You’d think someone who has lived 85 years would have perspective and wisdom but alas, years on this planet do not guarantee those qualities.
You did communicate about the chocolate habit as a financial thing, so taking the goods out of the basket that was given by a friend and then making him think it was never there isn’t nice either. I would have just been honest and said you took it since you feel he always gets first dibs on all the chocolate that gets purchased by you and your Mom.
I just think as someone who is aging, gaslighting them into thinking they imagined it can really mess with him mentally since memory loss is so common with seniors. (Even if Grandpa sucks).
Not trying to make you feel bad, I get what you were trying to do, just better ways to go about it and we have all taken a lower road than we care to admit.” No_Nothing2704
Another User Comments:
“Your grandfather is a selfish pig, but this is not the way to address it.
Your problem is that you’re in your mum’s house, and if she’s not going to stand up to her dad, you won’t be able to do much. He needs some clear boundaries and expectations if he’s going to live with you, but will your mum demand them? You need to sit with her and find out what she’s willing to do. If it’s nothing, you have to think about where you should live for your own emotional health.
You can’t save people if they insist on being a doormat, sad as that is. Soft YTJ for being so passive-aggressive w your grandfather.” bethanymonday72
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, too far. Your mom sounds very capable of fighting her own battles and convincing your grandpa he’s a looney isn’t exactly helpful for anyone. I get that he’s done a lot of things in the past and stuff, but not only did he just lose his wife of probably over 50 years I assume, but it’s also… chocolate? Like there has to be a better way to deal with that. Communication is one of those.” Zwodo
7. AITJ For Refusing To Be My Mom's Therapist Anymore?
“I (20f) think that since I’m my parents’ eldest daughter, they kind of used me as a therapist growing up, so I kind of knew what was going on in terms of fights they were having.
Growing up, my mum had no interest in my life. She wouldn’t ask about school, my hobbies, friends, interests, etc. She’d actively shut down conversations about it and talk about herself by saying that she doesn’t understand what I’m talking about, so has no interest in it.
My mum announced that she and my dad are getting a divorce (after kind of being separated for a while, but getting back together again) on Christmas day.
4 months later, my mum moved out and I and my sister are living with my dad.
My sister has recently reduced contact with my mum due to reasons she won’t tell me, but it’s definitely to do with the divorce.
My mum blamed my dad for this as he’s ‘turning us away from her, and alienating her’ by talking to us about details of the divorce.
As a result, I put boundaries in place and asked my dad to just not talk about the divorce stuff with us. He agreed and has respected my boundaries by not talking about it to me and my sister.
However, my mum has been crying every time I come and stay with her.
She cries about my sister not talking to her, my dad divorcing her, and tells me so much detail about the divorce that I really don’t need to know. Things such as that when they were not together but were trying, they continued to sleep together (but seriously, why did I need to know this?), him trying to buy her out of the house and her not wanting to, and a bunch of other stuff.
Things that I think I shouldn’t know, and stuff that she would get upset about my dad telling me since it would be ‘alienating her’.
She literally doesn’t talk about anything other than them, she doesn’t even ask about how I’m doing.
I had enough tonight and told her that the longest conversation we have is about my sister and dad, and she just silently nodded.
I then said that I wanted to establish the same boundaries with her that I have with my dad, concerning what I should be told about their divorce.
I said that It’s unfair for me to establish them only on my dad and not on her since they’ve both been guilty of doing it. I then said that maybe for once I could stay over and not have her only talk about my sister and dad.
She stayed silent and had no emotion on her face. As I left the room she said she was sorry and I just said okay.
Now that I’m in bed I feel kind of glad I told her since I’ve finally told her how I’ve felt and established boundaries with her. Maybe she will actually treat me as a daughter instead of a therapist.
But another part of me feels guilty since she has no other family other than me and my sister, so she can really only talk to me about it.
But what if I’m being selfish?
I don’t know, I’m just tired of it all and I want to be treated as a daughter for once.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You are definitely NTJ. Your mother appears to have narcissistic traits in that she has no empathy for others to tell her when to stop. She’s ignored you throughout life, and shown no interest. It’s amazing you are as stable as you appear to be.
Yes, put boundaries in place with both parents, and if you can move out, do that, because as long as you are all in the same household you will probably pick up on the emotions, IMO.” AffectionateMine2220
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Family is complicated, relationships are complicated, and therapists are impartial for a multitude of reasons. It’s one thing to have the kind of relationship with a parent wherein you’re comfortable sharing everything, being each other’s sounding boards, but another thing entirely when it’s one-sided.
It’s sort of meant to be one-sided when you’re kids, but rather in the reverse direction from child to parent.
The relationship you have with your mom is one-sided, it sounds like, and as upset as your words may have made her, they were the truth that you needed to speak. No, you shouldn’t be her therapist, but she should seek one, and you could probably benefit from it as well (but then again, I think everyone could, so…
don’t take that as a personal judgment lol.)” blanksix
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – not all parents are equal and I’m sorry that your mom never took an interest in your life. I dealt with a very similar scenario within my family. I think it was important for you to tell her how you felt, even if she doesn’t agree. You are the child (okay you’re an adult now, but parents always view their kids as children) and boundaries are important to form in any relationship.
She likely is processing your feelings and tbh possibly had no idea you felt this way. Give it some time and see how she progresses.” No_Nothing2704
6. AITJ For Being Mad At My Petsitter For Inviting Someone Over?
“Before leaving for a long weekend, I asked one of my best friends to come over once a day to check on our new baby bunnies at the house. She was asked to refill their water and food and just give them a little love and attention. She agreed, keys were exchanged, and I thought everything was going to be fine. The day we left she lets me know when she was heading over and even FaceTimes me to show me the babies.
We chat briefly, say thank you, and hang up. 3 hours pass and I go on my ring app to make sure everything’s closed up for the night and see not only her car but the car of a guy she’s been messing around with in my driveway through the doorbell.
I find that strange and check out the indoor ring cam to find that it’s offline after being unplugged.
Even stranger. I FaceTime her multiple times, text her asking what was going on, and even called the house through the Alexa all to no response. Getting upset and frustrated at her ignoring me I use my car app to set off its alarm. Only then does she call me immediately? At first, she tries to say she doesn’t know what I’m talking about and nothing is going on and there’s this big grand gesture of cleaning my house the next day as a surprise and that’s why the indoor camera was unplugged.
It was only when I told her to cut the nonsense and that I see both cars in the driveway did she finally say ‘you’re right he’s here I’m sorry.’
I feel hurt and used. I feel like she was being sneaky and hiding and lying like a teenager would to their parents. I told them to leave my house and I would figure out alternative arrangements for the animals as I no longer trust her.
All she had to do was ask, or even just mention it in the many prior conversations we had that day.
Am I the jerk for freaking out, setting off the alarm, and telling them to get out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You trusted her to act appropriately which was to take care of your pets.
It was absolutely wrong to bring a strange person into your home and then hang out.
I can’t even imagine why she did this. Are there issues with her own apartment/home?
In the event that she was spending the day with a friend and logistically there was some need for them to be together while she performed her duties, she should have either texted you to ask whether they could come into the house or they should have waited outside.
In any event, it is creepy for a pet sitter to spend hours in your home even if they were alone.” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Instead of communicating with you, she chose to break your trust, invite an unknown person into your space, and even worse DISABLED THE INTERIOR SECURITY which endangered HER as well as your property. Then, she covered it up. Untrustworthy and unsafe.” Background-Aioli4709
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – She was acting exactly like a teenager trying to sneak some alone time with a partner. She made the choices that led up to the car alarm going off. If anything you were far too nice. I would have called the police.” trewlytammy1992
5. AITJ For Not Wanting To Talk To My Husband's Family At Our Wedding?
“So, my husband (23m) and I (23f) got married last month, where I traveled to his country from the States just to marry him. It was a very small ceremony. In attendance were my husband’s parents, his sister, his two best friends, and my best friend. My family refused to attend/couldn’t make it for me (family problems), and I got married in Canada without them. It was…
painful, to say the least, but I made due.
As such, I was happy to at least have my friend, less happy to have my husband’s (estranged) mother, (she was an unexpected addition), and overall, the rest was great. It was a wonderful ceremony, and we all went to dinner afterward. I was high off the excitement and glad not to be reminded of my family not being there for me, and my husband was especially accommodating because I had made the leap to another country to get married.
He felt awful for me that my family chose not to come, and I appreciated that.
His mother, however, was less so. She obviously wasn’t pleased with our small gathering (having wanted us to do much more than we could afford) and wanted more people involved. She had previously tried to self-invite some of her friends and whoever in the area but we said no since we didn’t know them.
During dinner, she decides to randomly call her siblings to group call the entire dinner table without even warning us. I was put on the spot and kinda just spoke awkwardly and then nothing else because I didn’t know how to react, and my husband was even more awkward. She kept trying to shove the phone across the table in everyone’s faces to get them to say hello and hold a conversation, disrupting the flow and making me feel a little weird about it.
She only stopped when my husband’s best friend B (a hero) told her to save it for after dinner because we were trying to eat and enjoy our wedding dinner especially since I couldn’t even share it with my own family, and she took great offense but held her tongue. We didn’t hear anything more about it during the day, and his side of the family was quick to exit the wedding party after the meal.
Now, weeks later, she has been going off on my husband for how disrespectful we were to his family and her, and how rude it was that we couldn’t even bother to talk to his family, and I was being a terrible wife for not encouraging the interaction and being all about myself because my family wasn’t there.
She told my husband we’re both jerks for how we reacted, and she hates his friend for even bothering to speak up for us.
I feel like I may have been the jerk for immediately closing up when presented with the whole thing, and not just going with the flow of it. They are my new family, after all. But it felt rude on her own end for doing it without even asking us if it was okay.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did your best to roll with that awkward punch your MIL threw your way.
Who wants to have a screen shoved in their face when they’re trying to entertain a group of guests and enjoy their own wedding dinner, and in a foreign country, no less? I bet she’s embarrassed because deep down she knows she screwed up and is lashing out at all the people who called her on her crap (like your husband’s bestie). Be careful how you handle this though because now she’s your MIL (sorry).” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it was not her place to do it and honestly if it happened to me I would have been just as awkward for sure.
Be in the moment and enjoy who’s there, not the ones who aren’t there. Shoving a phone full of people in your face was not the move and the fact she’s still on about it makes it worse. Shoutout to your friend who had a good grasp on the situation and noticed his friends needed an out! I personally would have probably tried to try and go along with the mom’s shenanigans a bit more but then again I’m kind of a pushover so nvm on that.
My wife would definitely say ‘oh god no’. This was your party and the mom weirdly tried to… make it about herself? Steal your thunder? It’s such a weird thing to do!” Zwodo
Another User Comments:
“I think that the concept of making up and having ‘important’ people you’ve cut off from your life at big milestones like this is romanticized. Like ‘you’ll regret not inviting your mom to your wedding even though you cut her off from your life because of toxic or disrespectful behavior’ type of thing.
Problem is that they’ve often been cut off because of behavior like this and unless there was even some effort to mend relations it usually goes like this and ruins the event for others. 100% NTJ.
MIL was 100% the jerk in this situation in every way and needs to learn to respect boundaries and your wishes as a person and as a couple. I’ve had to learn the hard way that sometimes cutting someone off is what’s best for me and have had to draw boundaries and say things like ‘if this behavior keeps up, I won’t allow you contact with our eventual child either’ because they just don’t stop. You did what you could here in what sounds like a really difficult situation and it is 10000000% okay to draw those reasonable boundaries based on your comfort level, especially at your own wedding.” lines_down_im_down
4. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner To Invite My Former Best Friend To His Party?
“So my (18F) partner (18M) (let’s call him Nate) and I have been together for 5 months now. At the beginning of the relationship, we had many many issues because of my and his former best friend (18F) (let’s call her Molly). Just to give you some context: she is also my cousin; Nate had a crush on her while he was single but she has had a partner for 3 years now; Molly lied to me for 2 months saying she didn’t feel anything for Nate but actually did.
She texted him saying she dreamed about him, saying she thought that she might be happier with him than with her actual partner… a lot happened at the beginning. It was a really really hard time for me because we were so close, best friends for 18 years and she threw away our relationship lying to me that way. Since that happened, my trust in people has been so fragile and I’m very scared to trust anyone at all.
About Molly: after all of that happened, she really didn’t care at all about me and our relationship. I thought that, because we have been close for so long and our family is so close, she would try to fix what she did, but nothing. She really does not care about me anymore. That really hurt my feelings back then, but now I really just don’t want anything to do with her.
But that was just the context.
The actual problem here is with my partner. Nate is going to do volunteer work in the service of our church for the next 2 years. He is going to throw something like a going-away party in some months. He and Molly were really friends and have the same friend group. He is going to invite everyone in the friend group and asked me if I was okay with him inviting Molly.
I know for a fact that Nate and Molly don’t talk anymore after what happened with the three of us. The only time we were all together after what happened was on Molly’s birthday. Nate and I went as a couple and after that day she really stopped trying to reach out to me. I think she got jealous or something.
Anyways, I understand that they have the same friend group, but I can’t pretend that I’ll be 100% comfortable with her there.
Nate is such a good partner and always wants to make sure that I’m feeling okay when this sort of situation comes up. I really want him to have a great time with everyone that he wants to see before those 2 years happen. He won’t be seeing any of us for those 2 years and I think he has the right of inviting any people that he wants.
But, I can’t help feeling kind of hurt that he wants to invite her. After all of that happened. So, am I the jerk for not wanting him to invite her? Should I think it’s okay for him to want Molly there?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can’t control him or who he invites, but no one that loves you will want to be around people that have tried to destroy that before. Just talk to him, and if he really wants her there I’d take that as a red flag.” MilkAntagonist
3. AITJ For Not Wanting My Friend To Talk To My Ex?
“I have known my friend Jess (name changed for privacy) for a few years but only started to get close to her last year. I am very bad at making friends and feeling comfortable around others so Jess is the only real friend I currently have. My ex Josh (name also changed) and I went out from September 2020 to December 2021. For a lot of our relationship, Josh was the only friend I had until I started to get closer to Jess.
I am the one who broke up with Josh because I was too mentally exhausted to be with him even though I still had feelings for him.
I have been in a bad mental state and recently it has gotten really bad where I have been having a lot of episodes where I either feel just really sad or absolutely crazy. My friend Jess is aware of how bad I have been doing mentally and every time I try to talk about how I feel she just ignores what I say or says something along the lines of ‘same’ or ‘me too’.
When I learned the two had started talking I was honestly shocked. Due to the fact that Jess had backed me up when I had ranted about Josh and she would say stuff about how ‘He’s a jerk’ or saying ‘He’s ugly anyway’. Josh had also told me that he didn’t really hang around people like Jess. I have recently been talking to Jess about how I am starting to miss Josh and that I feel bad about how our relationship ended.
These crazy episodes started to revolve around how I felt about Josh and it was extremely tiring. Jess would tell me about conversations she would have with Josh knowing how I was doing mentally. I finally confronted her and told her I didn’t like her talking to me about my ex because it was making my mental state worse.
I had later confronted her asking why she thought it was a good idea to talk to my ex (who she knows my mental health revolves around) and she told me ‘Your issues with him are not my problem.’ So I told her it was basic respect to not befriend your friend’s ex ESPECIALLY when you know I am not comfortable with it.
Since then we haven’t really had a conversation and she’s ignored or given short responses to the texts I have sent her. So I now lost my only friend because she chose to be friends with my ex over me even though I was closer to her and had known her first. So AITJ for not wanting my friend to be friends with my ex?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
And the key to why that is the case lies in one of the last things you said: ‘I now lost my only friend because she chose to be friends with my ex over me even though I was closer to her and had known her first.’ Instead of saying ‘my friend’s friendship with my ex is bringing up complicated, frustrating emotions and those feelings are making my friendship with her feel strained or difficult,’ you actively place the direct blame on her as a whole as if you feel like she became friends with your ex and is not stepping away from him to hurt you.
Instead of considering what reasons she might have for wanting to be friends with him, you dismiss them and demand/expect that you should be her priority, baseline.
Your friend is actually right: your issues with and feelings about him are your problems to sort out and trying to dictate who your friend can or can’t be friends with just because you haven’t dealt with those feelings yet makes no sense.
You went out with the dude for three months; that’s literally nothing. And nothing you’ve said indicates that he was violent, abusive, or anything like that; it just sounds like y’all weren’t compatible and the relationship fizzled out. In life, you don’t get to control other people; the only person you have any power over is yourself. So use that power to tackle your feelings and stop trying to make your friend a villain over nothing.” ShadowCoon
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You don’t get to control people, but she shouldn’t rub salt in the wound by talking about that person when she knows that it upsets you.” fun_brainz
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You saying that you and Jess were friends first and therefore she shouldn’t be friends with Josh makes me think that you’re not very old. You don’t have dibs on people and you are actually trying to manipulate Jess by guilting her into not being friends with someone else (but failed).
On a separate note, she doesn’t sound very supportive of you, and maybe you need professional help for your mental health? It sounds very tough to battle it alone.” According_Version_67
2. AITJ For Not Buying Pain Medication For My Husband?
“My husband (41) has pain intolerance. He lived off of pain meds most of his life. One thing to tell you about those meds is that they’re financially draining. I helped him get and stay off of them and kind of learn to become less dependent on them and it worked but only for small things like headaches and minor injuries like bruises. Usually, he’d take the pain till it fades.
He injured his knee 2 weeks ago and has been in so much pain for the first week. Doctors gave him a limited amount of pain meds, but the next week he started complaining saying the pain is excruciating, and begged me to get him over-the-counter pain meds. I refused because I saw this as a sign of him becoming dependent on pain meds again and tried to convince him to hold on and bear it.
But he kept moaning and sometimes shouting about the pain being unbearable and still begged me to get him some pain meds but I didn’t get him any.
Last night he woke me up in the middle of the night literally crying begging me to go to the pharmacy and get him some pain medication. He said he could no longer stand the pain, but I again explained that I didn’t want him to become dependent on these meds again and go back to spending so much on them.
He said that he needed them then and argued that his injury is big enough for him to be given medication and said that I was not taking care of him by refusing to give him medication. I refused and he ended up having his mom come and bring him some pain meds. He took them and then fell asleep, she yelled at me saying I was abusing her son and denying him medical care and access to medication.
I told her to stay out of personal issues and she said she won’t stand by and watch her son suffer while I ignore him just so I could save some funds. I told her to leave and she threatened that if I throw away any of the meds she got him then she’ll file a police report.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because over-the-counter meds aren’t addictive. If you’re worried that previous use damaged his liver/ stomach/ kidneys, and you think he’d take so many that he could cause further damage, that’s a different story.
I’m confused as to why you haven’t consulted a doctor for options to safely manage his pain. Doctors understand addiction and pain medication, even more so since some meds showed up. My husband has a history of addiction, so when he was hospitalized a few years ago and needed some pain meds after he came home, he and I spoke with the doctors about that. They suggested Tylenol/paracetamol because it ISN’T addictive.
I’m sure his doctor could give recommendations.
Unless the doctor told you guys not to give him any over-the-counter pain meds (which you would’ve included in the original post, right?) then your refusal makes you a jerk. It’s cruel. He’s not substance-seeking, he wants Tylenol. Babies can use Tylenol. I completely understand the worry about addiction, but it’s ridiculous to be worried about things that are not addictive.
I think both of you need to be looking for safe alternatives instead of just saying he has to live in pain.” fastyellowtuesday
Another User Comments:
“YTJ to say the least. I’m concerned about your husband’s apparent lack of agency here. He’s an adult, how is it that he can’t go out and buy over-the-counter meds on his own? If his knee injury is so severe that he can’t drive (or is loopy from the pain and shouldn’t drive), then he needs pain relief.
Over-the-counter anti-inflammatories will help the healing process as well. From what you said his doctor initially prescribed a controlled substance for his pain which means the injury is severe enough to warrant that. If your husband has a history of addiction that has been disclosed to the treating physician, no competent doctor would write a script for a controlled substance for him. Instead, he’d get a script for prescription-strength non-harmful meds or Tylenol, and you can’t get addicted to those.
Your husband asked for an over-the-counter pain reliever, he didn’t call the doctor asking for more of a controlled substance. That is not the behavior of an addict. His lack of agency indicates he is a victim of abuse, inflicted by you.
You said that he ‘lived off pain meds for most of his life’ which implies 1) he has a chronic pain condition and 2) he has been in pain since childhood/teen years.
You don’t say he was ever addicted to anything. Medicines for some conditions, such as rheumatoid arthritis, are quite expensive even with insurance. Assuming he sees a specialist for a chronic pain condition, is that doctor aware that you are withholding prescribed treatment? There are programs with the major pharmaceutical companies that can provide financial help if you can’t afford the medicines your husband needs. Ask his mom to help pay if you still can’t afford it.
But stop abusing and torturing your husband!
Is your husband getting physical therapy to help with his injury or are you refusing him that as well? You show no concern whatsoever about his suffering; your sole concern is financial. That isn’t right.
For what it’s worth, my husband is a retired physician who was also a pain management specialist. Our state medical board is very strict with pain management specialists, and my husband was very careful as to who he accepted as a patient and would prescribe alternatives to opioids first, as well as PT, massage, etc.
I managed his clinic so I have direct knowledge of pain management.
Did you live with a parent or someone who suffered from addiction? Is the way you neglect your husband a result of that trauma? If so please get yourself to a therapist – you have gone much too far in the opposite direction.
Absent that, I do hope your MIL reports you for not taking care of your husband.
No one deserves to be forced to suffer like you are making him do.” Sk8rknitr
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not just because you are cruel and heartless, but also because you were actively harming him. How? By not getting him the meds he needed. The body doesn’t heal properly without pain relief. How did they do it before we invented/discovered pain relief? Well, people died a heck of a lot earlier before then.
Injuries did not heal properly and then the person was left weak and they died a lot earlier. Like in their 30s to 50s instead of their 70s.
Stop letting your prejudice against people who need pain meds harm your husband. There are times to ignore pain and times to work to fix it. A knee injury is serious and a big deal. His knee may have ongoing problems.
Ones that ibuprofen or naproxen can help. Those meds work by reducing inflammation. Often inflammation is a huge problem. If you cannot get it to go down, you can have permanent damage or disability. So non-harmful meds are given to help you feel better and to help your body heal.
You are mean, heartless, cruel, and dangerous. I can easily see why your MIL is upset with you and why your husband is. I would have divorced my husband if he acted like this. In a heartbeat.” GrizeldaLovesCats
1. AITJ For Being Mad At My Husband For Not Standing Up For Me?
“At a family gathering, hubby’s nephew (urged on by dad) came up to me with an animal that everyone knew I was really afraid of. I flipped, made a fool of myself, was hyperventilating, and cried for the hour car ride home. Btw, not a crier. Took blood pressure at home and it was 165/115. Mine is usually normal. B-in-law and nephew apologized with an ‘if I knew you were that scared…’
Hubby was in the bathroom, not one member of the family tried to stop them, and everyone just laughed.
I told hubby that he should tell his mom and brother how much their actions affected me. Hubby says he wasn’t there, they said sorry, I should let it go. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for wanting your husband to cause a huge drama over something that can’t be undone. And they apologized.
I have a huge fear of an animal. People rarely take me seriously or understand how crippling it is.
When my husband and I got together his family was told about my fear but most people just assume it is like the ‘fear’ they feel about spiders, or mice; more discomfort instead of extreme terror.
Hopefully, the family is now aware of how serious this is and a kid got a lesson that pranks like this aren’t funny. If this happens again then stop going to events and let your husband explain your absence.” VROF
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
They already apologized.
You want your husband to take it further and make more of a scene out of it on your behalf, but you could do that yourself. You could explain to his mom and brother how their actions affected you, and probably do a better job of it since you’d be describing it firsthand. Instead, you want him to be your mouthpiece and deal with whatever further drama might occur.” QuackLikeMe
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you insist on making this into something bigger. They apologized to you (was it genuine? Can’t tell from your post). They don’t need to be told how much it affected you: they saw it at the time. I suspect you felt humiliated and are trying to get some power back over them, via your husband. Just remember this next time they want something from you. That’ll be a big ‘no.'” bethanymonday72
Metaspoon Slow or Crashing?
If Metaspoon is causing your browser to crash or run slowly, please try viewing the article in Lite Mode and it should run more smoothly!