People Try To Convince Us They're Good People In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Trying To Hide My Medical Condition?
“I (36F) have a medical condition called lipedema that causes abnormal fat deposits in my lower legs. Basically, what is supposed to be the narrowest part of my ankle is the same thickness as the widest part of my calf, with a sudden stop just before my foot as though there was an elastic band there.
It is very noticeable and has caused many, many remarks from nosy rude people. I don’t wear anything that shows my legs. (Note: Treatment is a discussion for me and my doctor, not for the good people of the internet).
A friend (34F) is getting married in two months. Her dress code is the ever vague semi-formal. I never know what to do with that so I’ve run a few clothing options by her and she has said no to everything so far.
She rejected anything with pants as ‘work wear’/every day. One long dress was too formal, another long dress was too casual. One long skirt was too conservative, another was too ‘beachy’. I finally asked her what was acceptable and she came back with a Google image search for ‘cocktail dresses’.
All were knee-length (at least the ones that made it into her screenshot).
I told her I’m not comfortable showing my legs and she laughed it off and said I ‘need to be more body positive’. When I told her this is a medical issue, not an extra five pounds before swimsuit season, she got upset and said insecurity is no excuse to go against the dress code at someone else’s wedding.
She says I’m a jerk for wanting to wear something full length which she says would make me stand out and look out of place in any pictures (Not formal pictures, just at the reception. I’m not in the wedding party.) I feel like my legs would make me stand out in an even worse way and I would be uncomfortable the whole time.
I’ve considered just showing up in the ‘too conservative’ long skirt but I know that would cause drama if she saw it.
AITJ for wanting to wear something to hide my medical condition even if it goes against the bride’s wishes?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I get why you asked because I have issues myself.
I have a small suggestion. I have trouble fitting a dress code because these terms are not my language. When I have an event to go to, I find a personal shopper service and explain the issues, and dress code language, and have them pull things to try.
Stores like Macy’s and Nordstrom have folks in-house to do this, so if you find something you like on their websites, you can make an appointment.
Then, at the wedding, if she mentions your outfit, say ‘oh, I am so glad I got this personal shopper service.
They were so helpful in helping me feel positive and comfortable for your wedding.’
This is about her controlling you, and it’s too late to take back asking her, but maybe it takes the wind out of her sails if a professional helps you.
And it might be a good thing to know exists for future events. I have heard of services that will come and try to put together an outfit from what you already have as well.” Pickle0847
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I wouldn’t bother running anything past your friend again.
For the record, I googled ‘semi-formal full-length women’, and some perfectly acceptable options popped up. A cute black jumpsuit with soft floaty fabric falls perfectly into the category of ‘semi-formal’. If your friend is so concerned with what her guests are wearing on the day, then she’s got bigger problems.
I had someone show up to my wedding in jean shorts and a tank top. I thought it was an odd choice, but it didn’t affect me in any way, and I was more interested in saying hi to people and having a good time.
Make a decision that you’re comfortable with, and then focus on enjoying the day.” SleepySouthie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It’s a medical condition and you are not even in the wedding party. Don’t wear the conservative skirt though go with a simple formal gown so full length but not flashy.
A great key would be to take the top styles, colors and fabrics your friend showed you and try to find a long version of those.
The fact that your friend is not being considerate of her guests is rude.
I never understood this bridezilla mindset of ‘It’s my special day so my way or the highway.’ Seems like she’s setting herself up for a lot of disappointment and stress when things don’t work out precisely as planned which they never do.
You are not going to stand out in pictures. It’s possible she’ll only get to have a few moments to chat with you at the reception anyway. Brides are busy on their big day, with lots of dancing to do and cake to cut.
If you’d like to help her feel better maybe pull the photographer aside and ask that you only be in pictures from the waist up so the bride will get the ‘perfect’ memory keepsake with no long dresses showing.” Sweetsmyle
20. AITJ For Getting Rid Of My Aunt's Stuff?
“My parents and aunt don’t get along. My grandmother (my father and aunt’s mom) lives with us too.
My aunt and cousins have finally moved out of our shared apartment after months. They didn’t pack anything throughout the whole time.
We believed that they were never going to move, they are very notorious for lying, so we believed it was one of those moments.
To our surprise, they actually moved. The problem? They did not pack anything, they didn’t pack most of their clothes, furniture, shoes, dining stuff, and toiletries.
They took the bare minimum because my aunt’s partner bought everything new. Which is cool but that’s not the problem.
It’s about 11 people living in a 2 bedroom apartment, we turned the living room into a room.
That is where my grandmother sleeps, my family and I all sleep in 1 room, and my aunt’s family in 1 room too. With them moving we planned on moving into the spare room. So then my parents would have their own room and my siblings and me the other room.
With my aunt and cousins leaving all their stuff, it is going to be a whole hassle having to take out their furniture and all the stuff they left.
My aunt said all the stuff left behind was for us and it’s ours now.
She doesn’t need it or want it and it’s a gift from her to us to be able to furnish the room. My aunt’s kids are all boys, and we are all girls so their clothes, shoes, and toiletries aren’t needed.
The dining stuff is all broken and we have more than enough. The furniture we definitely do not need. We have our own and we are pretty minimalistic with our belongings.
I asked my grandmother if I can throw out/donate all the belongings because we don’t need them.
I asked her because of my parents not getting along with my aunt and that means that we aren’t allowed to talk to her. My grandmother said it was fine so I threw out everything, donated all that could be, and, cleaned out everything so it can be our space.
My aunt is angry because her partner didn’t actually buy any furniture or clothes for her kids only for the two of them. So now she wants all the stuff she gave to us back. We can’t give them back because I took them all out.
Now I’m getting angry calls and texts from my aunt, her kids, her partner, and my sisters because I should have asked her directly if she wanted me to keep them. To wait and see if she would want them back.
My parents are on my side and are saying she should have been a more responsible mother.
My cousins are sleeping on the floor and my aunt doesn’t have the means to buy them anything until the next coming school year.
I am starting to think I should have asked my aunt directly and broken the rule of not contacting them. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She explicitly declared that she didn’t need the items. She gave your family the items as a gift.
There was a no-contact rule for her. You did exactly what you were supposed to do under the circumstances imposed by your family and her. You did everything right.
She changed her mind. She can’t afford the basics for her children.
She miscommunicated with her partner. None of that is on you. You’re in the clear. Her family is a bunch of jackals.” dirtyhippie62
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She abandoned the property. Your apartment isn’t a storage facility. If she wanted it she should have taken it.
She gave it to your family. You didn’t want it or need it so you got rid of it. You owe her nothing.” murphy2345678
Another User Comments:
“Your aunt left the furniture and other stuff for you to do what you wanted with.
Once you disposed of it, she changed her mind. You are NTJ. She played a stupid game and won a stupid prize.
If your cousins are sleeping on the floor for several months, it might be an idea to notify child protection. Aunt and her partner do not sound like competent parents.” User
19. AITJ For Not Inviting My Brother-In-Law To Go To My Son's Graduation?
“Son is graduating soon. I have a brother-in-law who has mental issues and is prone to outbursts. He hears voices and has delusions that people have been replaced by ‘them’. He often lashes out at women and has accused my wife of being one of the replacements on a few occasions.
My wife and I decided not to invite him to graduation or the party as we want the focus to be on our son and his hard work. MIL made a big fuss saying that there would be no outbursts, but neither she nor her husband have any control over his behavior when he was not on his meds.
I understand that he has a disease like any other, this one just happens to affect his thinking. I wouldn’t ask for a relative with cancer not to attend, so AITJ for not wanting him around that weekend?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, since your BiL is currently mid-episode it sounds like it would be exhausting and distracting to include him in the party.
If he wants to congratulate your son, though, please figure out an alternative venue for that. That would be the analog to your cancer example- sometimes the big public event isn’t right for a sick relative but we can find compassionate ways to meet them in smaller gatherings.” RainbowCrane
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I understand your in-law’s defensiveness. I am sure he, and they, have dealt with some really crappy behavior and opinions if his mental illness is as severe as it seems, and it is natural to want to protect the people you love.
But I also understand your concern. Mental illness is draining to live with, but managing some of the tougher symptoms is a rough game for those on the outside of it too. Especially since it sounds like there’s some paranoia, and even if he is fully aware of his triggers, there’s absolutely no way you can guarantee he will not end up triggered.
How does your son feel about his uncle? Maybe they can do something low-key another day when your BIL is feeling more stable. Not being invited to the party does seem a bit harsh, but outbursts about the graduate’s mother being replaced by someone else tend to put a slight damper on festivities, and it was your son’s day.” starlightsmiles31
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I think it’s quite reasonable not to invite someone who could make the occasion unpleasant for the grad or his family.
You are not passing any sort of judgment on your BIL just acknowledging that he doesn’t always take his meds and when he does not his behavior can be problematic for those around him. Your comparison to someone with cancer isn’t quite right because a cancer patient does not draw attention to themselves by having outbursts that they can’t entirely control.” dragonvpm
18. AITJ For Asking My Friend To Cover The Gas Both Ways?
“So friend A is needing help to move about 8 hours away. I may be her best option, as a U-Haul would cost her almost a thousand dollars. She asked me how much I would charge her to drive her there, and I responded with just the cost of the gas.
She said of course and that she would throw me ‘extra cash for gas’ to make it home.
I am currently off work due to a sprained ankle and have less than $50 to my name. I was planning on asking for her to cover the cost of gas to drive us there and for me to get home because the whole reason I am driving that far is for her, not me.
It’s $90 in gas for me to drive to her destination and $70 for me to drive home.
This is where my need for advice lies. Friend B lives 6 hours from where I’m taking friend A. Friend B has not seen me in many months and after hearing the news that I will be closer to them, has offered to pay for my gas to get from friend A’s new apartment to friend B’s home.
Now the issue is, if friend A does not pay for the gas from home to her apartment and the gas it takes for me to get home from said apartment ($70), then I can’t go to see friend B.
Logistically, my trip would have three legs: home to friend A’s apartment, friend A’s apartment to friend B, friend B to my home.
The first leg is covered by friend A, the second leg is covered by friend B, and the third leg COULD be covered by friend A if she decides to give me the $70 it takes to get home from her apartment.
Getting from friend B’s apartment to home costs $10 more than that $70, but I would only ask friend A to pay for the cost of going home from her apartment. The $10 is enough for me to handle, but the whole $80 to get home from friend B is too much and I would not be able to see them if I have to pay for it.
AITJ for asking friend A to pay for gas both ways, only to not go home right away and use it to get me home from friend B’s house?
I have not approached friend A yet with how much I plan to ask for.
I plan on telling her about my plan to see friend B, who she is acquaintances with.
I have no problem driving friend A without being able to see friend B, as that was what I was originally going to do until friend B proposed to pay for my gas to see them.
I just would like some advice before I tell friend A about my potential extended trip. I don’t want to offend her if it is the case that I am overstepping my bounds.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I would just tell Friend A it will be an even $200 for you to do this.
You need something to cover the costs of a coffee or snack on the trip and any tolls. Plus wear and tear on your vehicle. I think reimbursement rates for using your own vehicle for business are $0.55 a mile or more now.
If friend B gives you some gas money to visit him that is between you and B and none of A’s business. $200 is a bargain for friend A. Any other option would cost A a lot more.” katamino
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The friend moving should pay round trip costs (without the added cost of your side trip to see friends).
But also, if you literally have $50 to your name, this is the time to be seeking some employment not driving friends on their move or going to visit other friends.” thirdtryisthecharm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are saving her $1000.
She ought to want to give you as much as she can afford. Your time is worth something, too. Definitely go see your other friend—what a waste if you did not. And the one you are helping should be covering your meals on the road as well.” Stephreads
17. AITJ For Not Sleeping At My Aunt's House?
“So my mother a couple of years ago had passed away, my dad became an addict and started mistreating me. I ran away 5 months later and am currently living in a hotel. End of backstory.
I’m gonna keep the explanation simple.
A few weeks ago my dad’s sister and brother moved back into my home state and contacted me saying that they missed me and wanted to talk with me and my dad. I did not tell them I had run away so I told them that dad is currently away so it will probably just be me showing up.
They asked where he was and I told them he was out of state and won’t come back for a few weeks. They invite me to stay the night at their place and for some reason my dumb brain made me accept it.
So I went over and saw my uncle waiting for me at the door… he made me feel uncomfortable. (Mainly because he reeked of cologne and smoke) I went inside and saw wallpaper samples. I could tell they were still getting moved in because boxes were everywhere and it felt really empty.
I see my aunt cooking mushroom casserole and sitting at the table, waiting for food to be done. Once it was done it looked like frog skin.
While eating, my aunt asks if I want to sleep in my cousin’s old room.
Now don’t get me wrong, that is a really sweet offer… the issue was I did not know my aunt or uncle that well… and I did not want to find out if they were just as bad as that fat jerk was.
I politely decline and I guess she grew up as a snowflake who never got told no at 12 or 15 because the moment I said no, she lost her mind. She claimed I was being ungrateful, that I was being a brat, and that I was just being paranoid.
I try to explain that I just did not feel comfortable sleeping in an unknown location and I felt more comfortable sleeping in my own bed. Which only annoyed her more.
I quickly left (I actually ran) and heard the screaming banshee lose her mind even more.
I went back to the hotel and the next day received texts from her claiming I was a jerk, a witch, things I’d heard before.
On one side I feel bad for just immediately declining after I already said yes, on the other I feel like I made a good decision.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your spidey sense was dead on. What a whack job! I have to admit, my first thought was it was some sort of setup engineered by your dad. Guess I watch too many of those true crime shows.” Missicat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ even if she knew all the details it still would have been a weird overreaction.
Block her and go at least low contact. Be good to yourself.” OptmusJonzz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I think their behavior shows you made a good choice by declining their offer. They do not sound like people who have any interest in providing a good home life to you.” YanceyWoodchuck
16. AITJ For Not Trusting My Partner To Spend Funds On Food?
“I (18F) have been going out with my partner (19M) for over a year. My partner struggles with finances. He delivers for UberEats on a bike and does not make much money. I encourage him to save because he needs new clothes and since his parents don’t allow him to eat at home often, he feeds himself.
I have no problem feeding him if we are spending the day together, but I would like to have him pay sometimes when we go out. However, I don’t trust him to spend the funds I send him on the right things.
He is a heavy smoker. He smokes every day. He spends around 500 a month on it. I smoke as well but not nearly as often as he does. Because of this, he rarely has any funds and even chooses to smoke over buying himself food sometimes.
One day he asked me if I could send him $10 for food. We were not seeing each other that day as I was busy watching my siblings. I told him ‘how do I know you’re not going to go smoke with the money?’ He asks his friends for funds for food and when they send it to him he buys something to smoke instead.
Once he even attempted to send himself funds on my phone while pretending to take pictures with it. Another time he had $20, but he took money from my wallet since he wanted to buy more stuff to smoke and he didn’t have enough for it.
He then tried to blame it on a family member I live with, but I forced the truth out of him since I already knew it was him.
I forgave him for this simply because he is going through a lot of things and is depressed.
But he told me to trust him. I still said no. He replied with ‘ok’. He did not express that he was mad verbally. However he gave me slower and smaller replies to my texts, and the next day he was visibly upset with me.
I don’t know if I was in the wrong because feeding your partner is normal, but at the same time, I didn’t trust him with my funds. I’m thinking I may have been the jerk by not feeding my own partner who I am supposed to love and be there for (if he was telling the truth about spending it on food.)
I spoke to my cousin about the matter and he says I was the jerk.
He says that my partner is depressed and I should just be there for him by sending him funds for food, and even if he spends it on smoking stuff, at least he will be happy. My cousin also called me a bad partner for ‘not being able to do something so simple’ for my partner.
I am thinking that maybe he is right, and I should be more empathetic to my partner.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am going to say something unpopular. It is possible to be psychologically addicted to smoking. I went out with someone like this.
He was on the verge of losing his job because he couldn’t get up in the morning to get to work and yet he kept smoking every day. One of my good friends in college also smoked nonstop for a year after his dad died.
He barely passed all his classes that year.
Your partner needs to talk with someone and get a grip on his life. You can encourage him but you can’t do it for him. You also need to figure out if you want to go down this road with him, knowing that you can’t trust him to spend funds on food, that he’s willing to steal from you.” Easy-Concentrate2636
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are not responsible for anyone but yourself. He is not your child, he works and he chooses what he spends his money on and he will not learn to be any wiser with his money if you keep enabling him.
He will not want to seek help for his depression or addiction if he can keep taking advantage of you and his friends. He will reach rock bottom eventually, and from there he will learn that things need to change or he won’t be able to get by in this world.
You are not responsible for him and he will lose you eventually if he keeps using you. I have been in similar situations and it never takes me too long to realize that this person is holding me back.” therepublicofamelia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and yes in some circumstances not doing something small to help a partner out could be seen as bad, but in this case, it sounds like a completely one-sided relationship where he wants your funds, and even tried to steal your funds (and then blames someone else). Honestly, it sounds like your family expects you to just let him walk all over you. He needs to figure his life out, and it’s not your job to sort it out.” Informal_Menu_595
15. AITJ For Refusing To Be The Perfect Daughter-in-Law My MIL Wants?
“We’re Indian. My husband (30m) and I (28f) met on an app a few years ago and got married last year. Ever since we started going out, there has been a lot of animosity from his side of the family.
His parents didn’t approve of me – loose, fast, and ‘modern’ city girl (also of the wrong caste/sub-caste).
Once both of us were sure, we decided to go ahead and get married. Both my husband and I are not religious, so we decided to have a court wedding.
We did do a reception for them in their hometown, but I didn’t wear a mangalsutra or put sindoor. Long story short, this made his mum feel very upset. She didn’t get the wedding of her dreams, because I refused to co-operate.
Throughout the wedding prep, his mum treated me like crap. She says she loves me and misses me, but she clearly has no respect for me, and can’t see me as a human being. I am simply her son’s wife – a social role to her.
Whenever she’s met me, she is only interested in showing off about how rich and influential her family is.
My husband and I have a very very steady relationship, and hardly ever fought. However, because of his family’s behavior, we have had a lot of fights, most of them about me having to explain to him how his family’s behavior was insulting and why he needs to stand up for me.
He has come through every time, but it has put a lot of strain on our relationship.
I’m a very independent person. I run my own small business and manage a team of employees. I recently tried to connect with her (on hubby’s behest) by talking to her about some financial constraints the business was dealing with due to the health crisis, to which her response was that I was better off taking math tuitions or teaching in a school.
She’s generally very dismissive of my work. Her son’s work is primary, and I apparently do something on the side while her son earns the bread and butter (I actually earn more than him most months). Any subject I try to connect on always ends up with her telling me about how she was better at it or how her family knows someone influential in that field.
We’re currently on a foreign sabbatical and his mum is coming to visit, so I’ve decided to go back home earlier. We mutually discussed this and he is supportive, because every time I and his mum are in the same house/room, it requires a lot of mediation and tires him out.
I just want to avoid conflict. But, I feel really guilty because my parents are visiting too, and my husband and I have enthusiastically planned a trip with them. Am I the jerk for not participating in a holiday with my MIL? Should I be reciprocating my husband’s enthusiasm? Am I being inordinately selfish for just standing up for myself?
AITJ in general for insisting on doing things my way – the ritual-less wedding, the refusal to wear what they want, the refusal to partake in ritual gift giving and taking?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ.
Indian here and totally get the context of this situation.
However, I don’t know if you can just keep avoiding her forever. What’s the end game here – is it for you to have no contact but your husband to keep maintaining contact? What happens if you choose to have kids and then his family becomes super keen to be involved?
At some point, you may need to confront it head-on again or have clear boundaries so you’re not forced to flee whenever they enter the picture.
Unfortunately, it seems like you’ve signed up for a lot of pain by marrying into a traditional and backward Indian family.” Snidagram
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m Bangladeshi so can understand where you’re coming from. You’ve really really tried which is a lot more than most daughters-in-law do when they don’t get along with their MIL.
It was also YOUR wedding – I understand their traditions but it’s your life as harsh as it sounds. Parents will have dreams etc… for their children – if you wanted to meet them halfway or try with their traditional ways (as a compromise sometimes).
I think you should (but only if you want to).
With Desi marriages unfortunately we tend to marry the family too. But you’ve agreed on this with your husband, he seems fine with it all and your decision to not spend time with your MIL may actually reduce the strain on your relationship.” Imoverthinking21
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You’re simply enforcing a boundary for yourself. If only more people could do what you’re doing—making choices that support your needs without forcing your husband to sever ties or anything like that.
As for your husband being enthusiastic about your parents—if he enjoys the time with them and is choosing to go on trips with them, then that is him doing what he wants to do. If he doesn’t actually enjoy it though, he needs to take a page out of your book!
You’re implementing your boundaries and doing so kindly, so definitely NTJ.” starrylightway
14. AITJ For Making Other Plans After My Friend Canceled On Me?
“The other day (it was a Tuesday), my best friend (we’ll call her Amber) and I made plans to hang out on the following Saturday. I’ve just finished basketball and I’ve been very very busy for the past couple of months, so she and I haven’t hung out very much lately.
We had the plans all week, until Wednesday when she texted me something along the lines of ‘Hey, I have to babysit on Saturday night’. We called and I briefly suggested that we hang out Friday instead, but (looking at this from her point of view), I maybe wasn’t clear enough that we were going to reschedule.
Honestly, it worked out great for me to reschedule. Originally I had plans with my partner on Friday, but he got called into work, so if I wanted to see him over the weekend it would have to be on Saturday.
When Amber canceled on me, I talked to my partner, and he and I arranged to see each other on Saturday. At this point, I was planning to see Amber on Friday and my partner on Saturday.
Thursday morning, Amber texts me something along the lines of ‘good news! Babysitting got canceled so we can see each other on Saturday still like we originally planned’. Keep in mind, all of this was happening over text.
I told her that I made plans with my partner for Saturday after she canceled and I didn’t want to cancel on him, so she and I would only be able to see each other this weekend if we saw each other Friday.
She got very angry at me and was being very rude and petty to me over text, and told me that she had other plans for Friday now because she thought we would be hanging out Saturday.
I was tired of all the back and forth, so I apologized and told her that we would have to wait until next weekend to see each other then.
This set her off and she got very mad at me.
She called me and told me that she was tired of bending and changing her plans to match mine, and it was clear I would rather hang out with my partner than with her. She told me that I had been ignoring her and pushing her to the side for months, and I was taking our friendship for granted.
She knows that I have been extremely busy over the past month, but I can’t help but think I’m the jerk for choosing to see my partner over her.
AITJ for canceling on her?”
Another User Comments:
“Honestly. No jerks here.
There was a major miscommunication and people have hurt feelings. You changed plans to fit with her original reschedule. She didn’t check with you to see if Saturday still worked for you before making new plans for Saturday.
This stuff happens
It sounds like she misses you and is hurt because she was looking forward to some time with her friend. I would say it’s fine you were suddenly unavailable due to the schedule change but make it a priority to get some time with her as soon as you can, even if that means forgoing a little time with your partner.” 12th_companion
Another User Comments:
“So, she cancels on you first, you make plans (because hey, you can) but she thought you would be waiting by the phone hoping her plans fell through? Seems like you might need to set some time aside for her, but this isn’t your fault.
NTJ.” Snickerdoodle2021
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. This was a mutual misunderstanding. You were both trying your best to rearrange your plans to accommodate the other person, and you both succeeded. Oops, but no one to blame.
This is the friendship equivalent of trying to step out of someone’s way, only they try to step out of your way in exactly the same direction, so you collide.
Both people get hurt, but only because you were both trying to be nice.” Dioptre_8
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She canceled on you, so you made other plans. If she wanted you to specifically keep that day free so she could try to get it off, she should have said that (not that you’re obligated to but she never communicated anything like that to you).
It’s unrealistic of her to expect you to just drop everything for her like that. It’s the risk that comes with rain checking. She needs to grow up.
In the meantime, enjoy your much-deserved time with your partner! Don’t let her get you down, it’s on her. Not you. You’re not expected to wait around for ‘in case’ scenarios.” Cintorious
13. WIBTJ If I Tell My Baby's Father To Sign His Rights Away?
“I’m currently 10 weeks pregnant and the father since the very beginning wanted me to terminate the pregnancy. We had a discussion last night after my second ultrasound about what steps we should take going forward. He asked me what I wanted and I told him that a good portion of me would prefer to do it alone but I can’t force him to give up his rights and that I don’t want to decide for him.
He says he’s 50/50 on either staying or leaving but he wants ME to tell him what to do. I really don’t see why it has to be up to me but some things that I remember from our relationship is making me lean towards just telling him to sign his rights away.
He’s open to potentially having a relationship with the baby if and when they ask about him but who knows?
This whole situation is confusing to me and I don’t even know what to tell him (he wants to meet up in the next couple of days to discuss it again to decide on an answer.) I know it would be easier for me mentally to do this alone but I know for a fact I’ll have moments where I’ll look at my baby and think that he’s really missing out on something great, but he doesn’t seem to get it.
I can’t pick for him nor do I want to be the deciding factor in his decision. I don’t want him to try to ‘blame’ me for ‘forcing’ him to sign his rights away if the topic comes up but I don’t think I could do it with him successfully.
I want what’s best for my baby and I’m unsure if that would be with both parents or just me. So WIBTJ if I just decide to tell him that I would prefer to do this alone and have him sign his rights away?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Tell him he needs to make up his own mind, that you’ll go along with whatever he decides. But it’s up to him to figure out what he wants to do. As someone else said here, he’ll be able to put the blame on you later on.” LeReineNoir
Another User Comments:
“You need a lawyer and you should not be giving him parental rights advice.
You will not enjoy the outcome of telling your child you told their father to get lost. This is also a great way to ensure he acts like a fool if you tell him to stay or go.
Telling him to stay implies you’re going to make his parenthood easy and convenient and any time he doesn’t like the responsibility, he throws it in your face that you wanted him to stay. If you tell him to get lost then he blames you for not knowing his kid and probably expects to skate on child support (which you would be the jerk if you don’t pursue because your child deserves that money even if you don’t need it to raise them – set it aside for the kid’s future.) Either way, you can’t choose for someone else just like he couldn’t force you to terminate.
The only way co-parenting will work is if you both enter that stage of your relationship willingly and with good intentions. One of you choosing the other is already bad form.
So yeah, YWBTJ if you mess this delicate balance up for you, him, and your child.
Don’t tell him anything. Let him decide.” wildferalfun
Another User Comments:
“I want you to think about what this sets up. You CAN NOT make major decisions like this for another adult, and not expect very bad consequences for yourself later.
Also, that baby is a real person. They will be injured by this man in some way or another in their life. Abandoned now, or abandoned later. It would be much better for the baby if he left now and NEVER came back.
But that won’t happen. He’ll be in and out of that child’s life if you allow it and keep accommodating his moods and whims, and each time he disappears or lets them down, you’ll be the one picking up the pieces.
The question is, how much blame can he divert to you? Because making this decision for him will become the rod with which you’ll be beaten for the rest of your life – first by him, then by the child, under his influence as they’ll do anything for dad’s approval.
You need to get VERY CLEAR on what happens next. If he walks away, that’s it. He NEVER comes near you again. If he chooses to “stick around”, then he needs to step up. The first time he goes, he stays gone.
You need a lawyer. And you need to STOP CATERING TO HIS WANTS OVER YOURS AND THE BABY’S NEEDS. What he wants is now the least important thing you should even be considering.
PLEASE stop taking on his responsibilities.
Do not make this decision for him, but take the steps NOW to protect yourself and the baby, legally. Get everything in writing. Make the courts make the decision for him if he won’t do it. But don’t touch this with a ten-foot pole because this is the definition of a terrible idea, and sets up a very dangerous precedent for the rest of your child’s life.
If you can’t parent with him now, you need to forget what he wants – what he wants is so utterly unimportant, and do what’s right for your child’s mental health. If he decides what he wants is to be an engaged and active parent, then great.
But if he isn’t 100% on board with that, act accordingly.
NTJ, but you must not do it.
ETA – the baby isn’t missing out on ‘something great’, they’ll be protected from forming any attachments with a parent who didn’t want them and who isn’t interested in actively being part of their life.
He’s told you both these things.
I am a single parent. I had my baby using a sperm donor. My parents should not have had children. I have a perspective as a single mum and a messed up child, and I 100% guarantee it’s much easier having no parent than an emotionally distant and inconsistent parent.” lurkylurkeroo
12. AITJ For Making My Kids Share Rooms?
“My husband (34 M) and I (33 F) recently got new jobs, which means we’re going to be moving. Our career paths are a bit unusual, so our current positions are not ones we could stay at, but our new positions will be fairly permanent.
We have three kids (3F, 1F, 1M).
Our current area is fairly affordable, but even though the new jobs come with ‘very’ substantial raises, we will struggle to afford a home in our new area. The rental market is not better.
We are looking at homes and essentially have narrowed down our options to two categories: very small homes in truly excellent school districts, and larger houses in less-good districts.
On one hand, we both believe that good schools are essential and that the path they can send you down can be completely life-changing – both of us had lucky opportunities to get into incredible schools as kids, and as a direct result now have careers that are well-paying and that we love.
However, housing prices have been exploding and seem likely to continue to grow faster than we will get raises. We do not anticipate being able to size up our home, and in the top school districts, it is nearly impossible to find a three-bedroom we can afford, let alone a four-bedroom.
I wouldn’t have wanted to share a room as a teenager; two of our kids would have to essentially until they moved out. I think this is probably ok but sucks; my husband (who grew up sleeping on a pullout couch with his brother) thinks that I’m being ridiculous; my sister says that this is wrong and that it’s standard in adoption to have to prove that you can supply kids with their own bedrooms.
Are we the jerks by buying a three-bedroom place?
Bonus: our employer offers a home purchasing assistance program for new hires, but it requires an enormous downpayment. When we asked how they expected people at our career stage to have that many funds saved, they suggested asking our parents to remortgage their homes.
Edit to clarify something that is coming up a lot: unless something very major changes in the housing market, we are not likely to be able to afford a larger house in the same area. Housing price increases are much, much larger than the rate at which we could expect raises.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! It’s not traumatizing for kids to share a room, I don’t know what your sister is on about, especially because they’re so young still.
My sis and I shared and my parents took the basement until they saved up enough to move (we were 12 and 14, I think?)
You have more than a decade to figure out if it’s not a fit to have the teens share rooms, and honestly, they might want to keep sharing.
My partner and I were planning on moving into the living room so the kids (13f and 8m) could have their own rooms. They both pitched a fit about getting their own rooms! They’ve always shared one and I think they like being able to confide and have sibling/gossip time when we go to bed.
If that changes, we’ll take the living room (I’ve been looking at daybed-couch situations on Pinterest so it’ll still be a living room), but as I said, lots of sibs enjoy the time and space together and are away from the adults.
I would say go for the better school district 100%
ETA: the kids are my ‘steps’ and split their time here and at their mom’s place. We live in one of the most expensive cities in the US so neither we nor mom will be able to afford more than a 2 bedroom here.
I just personally think adults should make the sacrifice when it comes to limited space.” You_Exciting
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s not always ideal for siblings to share rooms, but it’s very common and it makes sense to prioritize superior schools.
As your kids get older, you could get creative with ways to make separate spaces for them. Also, sharing rooms will likely make freshman year of college less of a shock.” HerCacklingStump
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are a toddler and two babies.
So many things can change before they are teenagers. The housing market could tank, you could get promoted, get raises, get fired, the company closes down, etc. You need to focus more on the present and prepare for the future. A possibly very changing future.” murphy2345678
11. AITJ For Not Wanting To Invite My Dad's Partner To My Birthday Celebrations?
“My birthday is this weekend and my family has had plans to go camping for weeks beforehand. My dad and his partner of four years, who I like and have no hard feelings toward, broke up about two months ago.
They both saw other people during this time, however, last night she came over to drop off some of his stuff and they ended up talking for a long time and reconnected.
During their talk, he mentioned we’re going camping this weekend and she asked if she was going also.
He was put on the spot but heavily hinted that I would be okay with it. I am not. Birthdays in my family aren’t huge and this is the first time we’re doing something I want to do and I feel like if she came there would be an awkward tension or I’d third wheel my own birthday (like I did last year when we went out to eat).
I explained that to my dad and he just got off the phone with her about an hour ago. She’s absolutely crushed and has been crying since then and I feel like I’ve created worse energy than what I was trying to avoid.
Was I in the right here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. How old is she anyway? You know what? A real adult would simply be concerned that you would have the birthday that you wanted. They would be engaged in their own life and go off into other things and not fall apart because they suddenly get back together with their partner and then they can’t suddenly be included on your birthday.
That’s just ridiculous. Be confident in your own sense of this. You have good common sense.” mcclgwe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and you’re right to suspect that you would be the third wheel at your own birthday with your dad’s recently-reunited partner along.
Given how she basically invited herself along and how she reacted to being told otherwise, it seems unlikely that this wouldn’t be a drama-filled trip. I empathize with her that she’s upset but she shouldn’t have put your dad on the spot like that and put herself in this position.” LilLN_20
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and the fact that she’s upset is not your fault.
You’re not responsible for her emotions. She and your dad put you in a bad situation and they’re the ones who made this an issue in the first place. Have a happy birthday and don’t for a second feel guilty about this.” inliinwy
10. AITJ For Not Wanting My Roommate's Partner To Live With Us?
“I (20F) have 3 roommates (21F, 22F, 23F) and my 21-year-old roommate has a partner (20M). For privacy’s sake, I’m going to be calling my 21-year-old roommate Jill and her partner Adam.
So Jill and I are the newer tenants, we moved in at the same time and prior to us moving in we had a group chat to get to know each other with the other 2 roommates.
Jill had mentioned she had a partner and asked if it would be okay for him to sleep over sometimes. Emphasis on sometimes. We were all like ‘yeah, okay that’s cool’. After moving in the other roommates and I found out that he doesn’t have his own place in town and commutes about FIVE hours to our college and back to his parents’ house.
So for his convenience, it would be easier if he just slept here with his partner, so he stays over 5 nights a week (going home on weekends with Jill).
Initially, I didn’t have too much of a problem with him basically living here, he would drive me to campus sometimes and it was nice to have someone my age around, however, Adam is here almost every day which is not what Jill said was going to happen.
Jill and Adam would argue every day in the living room and they were so loud that everyone else could hear them from our rooms. They both kept reassuring me that it was normal for couples to argue and that I don’t have much experience with being in relationships but this feels excessive.
They would also make out and talk dirty to each other while I was in the room and maybe it’s because we’re all around the same age that they became TOO comfortable around me specifically because I was the only roommate witnessing this behavior.
I don’t know but I have an unfortunate amount of third-wheeling experience so I hate being alone with a couple.
Anyway, the other roommates and I don’t really like Adam, since this was supposed to be a girls-only unit this wasn’t really what I signed up for.
We tried addressing the arguing situation and somehow the arguing got worse. Their relationship isn’t healthy if you can’t tell but I don’t think it’s my place to tell them to break up. Adam is kind of a jerk sometimes, he doesn’t pay rent but he said I could ask him anytime to drive me somewhere so I asked if he could drop me off at campus once back in October last year and he complained about gas prices so I never asked again.
He also finds the need to make fun of my cooking when he’s the one that burnt our pan just to make some spaghetti covered in the thinnest layer of alfredo sauce and a ton of garlic powder and didn’t apologize or try to fix our pan.
I also talked about my awful brother once and he told me that I should just forgive him because family is family or whatever Vin Diesel stuff he said and that he has a great relationship with his brother therefore that means I should just move on.
You get the idea. None of us like him except for Jill, he lives here rent-free, and I feel like he scammed the system to live somewhere near campus for free. Maybe I’m being too sensitive and I did feel bad about the 5-hour commute so am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sometimes is occasionally, 5 nights a week is full-time.
If he stays, he pays, and I would start with putting your foot down there because he’s clearly eating your food and showering there too.
Aside from that, it sounds like he might be a jerk himself, and you’re not a bad person for not wanting to be around that negativity.
As a side note, lay down the law that if they’re having a couple’s fight they need to do it ‘in private’ because y’all don’t want to hear it. Even if he stays, putting down rules to respect common space is more than fair.” MiddayGlitter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He is gross and you should evict Jill. That can easily be done by notifying the landlord that she is in breach of the lease because you can’t have anyone staying there regularly who is not on the lease.
Safety and liability reasons. Plus Jill does not sound like a good person for FORCING you all to live with a guy after she lied and manipulated everyone into agreeing to it in the first place. The three of you need to grow a pair and kick her out or sit her down and lay down some boundaries.” MermaidOutOfWater15
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
His living situation is not your problem.
He is living with you all which was NOT the agreement. Also, while couples do occasionally disagree, constant arguments are not normal nor are they to force others into your relationship by arguing in common spaces constantly OR the public dirty talk. All inappropriate. He needs to figure out something else.” Knittingfairy09113
9. AITJ For Not Opening College Funds For Everyone?
“I (30F) have been married to my husband (33M) for 5 years. We live near my family but it takes a plane ride to see my husband’s family. My husband feels guilty about not living near his family because some of them struggle financially and have many children, and he feels that he could help raise them if he was nearby.
We fly to visit at least twice a year (sometimes more.)
Hubby had to put himself through college, so we thought it would be a good idea to open college funds for his nieces and nephews as we slowly earned more money.
When we started doing this, there were 5 children (SIL1, hubby’s sister, had 3, and BIL, hubby’s brother, had 2). We started with the oldest, with $25 a month plus extra for Christmas. As finances allowed, we opened college funds for the rest one at a time, oldest to youngest.
Obviously no pressure for higher education, but the funds would be there for college or trade school if needed. SIL1 and BIL said they were thrilled and grateful. SIL1 had two more children and BIL remarried and had three more children (so now ten nieces and nephews total).
So now we are up to $250 a month. When BIL remarried, his wife (SIL2) had three teenage children from previous relationships. We tried to form relationships with them but when we would fly in from out of town, they would make no effort to see us —they would prefer to stay home.
Last Christmas I gifted little ‘certificates’ to each kid letting them know that they had college accounts and how much was in them. I was with SIL1 and her kids when we opened the envelopes, and they freaked out with excitement.
SIL1 was crying she was so happy. I sent envelopes to BIL and SIL2 as well, but they said they lost them.
This Christmas, I texted SIL2 and asked if she thought her kids would like certificates, as it seemed to bring SIL1’s kids a lot of joy.
SIL2 said that we were jerks if we were not going to make funds for her children from previous relationships, she would rather us not do it at all. Also, she did not want the college funds because it would mess up the kids’ chances at financial aid.
We were floored with emotions. We were ashamed of the hurt we must have caused SIL2 by not including the other kids as if they were not family. Everyone just kept having babies every year, so it had slipped our minds to go back and add the older step-kids.
Huge oversight on our part. We could not believe she would reject the funds we saved for the kids — we had invested thousands at the point and my hubby would have killed for college funds back in the day.
Even though we were upset by #2, we apologized profusely for our oversight and the hurt we had caused. We asked if we could have a meeting to talk things through and determine how BIL and SIL2 wanted to proceed.
We suggested starting funds for the three step-kids, starting monthly contributions, and then redistributing the existing funds so it was all equal. We received radio silence for three months. We flew to see family recently and tried to talk to BIL, but he did not want to talk about it as he didn’t want to ‘disagree’ with his wife.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I do not think YTJ. I actually do not think you did anything wrong. Your sister-in-law seems very entitled, it was your money and those are your nieces and nephews. The other ones are bonuses, but as ugly as it might sound you do not have to do anything for them.
They have other family members that could do the same thing you are doing. Here is the only problem I see, you want to set up a meeting with them and honestly it was not necessary. Let it go.
You guys as a couple need to sit down and make a decision, you can continue to set money aside for your nieces and nephews or you just give it up. If you do, continue with the idea that the kids can decide on their own when they get older or perhaps that money can be used as a graduation or wedding gift for them.
One thing I would do is not tell BIL or SIL if you continue. The reason for this is just the fact that your SIL is thinking of what is best for her kids and not what’s best for BIL’s kids.
Avoid the conflict and let the kids decide once they are of age.” Potential-Thought253
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is so super generous of you I just cannot believe the angry ungrateful response. But since you seem like you really want to give them the funds I would give them fair warning and a last opportunity: ‘I again want to apologize for our oversight and talk with you about options.
However, if you have truly decided that you don’t want your kids to have these funds let us know and we will redistribute them to our other nieces and nephews. If we don’t hear from you by (date in the future) we will take that to mean you don’t want the funds and we will redistribute.
I hope you’ll reconsider – we are very eager to make this right.'” saurellia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I don’t think the kids should be punished because their parents are refusing the help. If I were you, I would continue contributing like you are to all nieces and nephews and keep quiet about it until they are of age to receive the funds. As for step nieces and nephews, their mother made it clear she did not need your help. Leave it at that.” sarilly
This is a bull's eye target, but.... these are children with a different father and a whole different family. Why do people always believe that everything should be equal when sil2's children have a whole family that should be doing this for them. This is different than a 4 year old sitting there at Christmas without a gift to open. This is big picture. It would be nice to include them if you can, but becomes an unfair advantage when now there are 3 or 4 parents' (if their father remarries) families providing and stashing away. Sil1's children only have 2 parents' families providing. You have no clue if these steps have families saving for them. That isn't saying you can't do something for the steps, but do not allow them to try to put you on a guilt trip or make you feel bad.
I agree with another commenter, keep what was intended for each one and gift upon college graduation or wedding. If they had debt at that point, it would definitely ease the burden. Create a will that indicates which account is intended for each person.
You and your husband are so great for doing this.
8. AITJ For Freaking Out At My Sister About Her Diet?
“I love my sister. She is probably the sweetest kindest person in the world. But since childhood, her diet drives me and drove our parents crazy. Especially with our mother being a dietician.
She’s always been a terrible eater.
She’s 5 feet tall. Says she’s 110 pounds but I think it’s nonsense. She can’t be more than 90. Since childhood, she never eats breakfast. Hardly eats lunch. But come about 4 PM she’s absolutely starving. I mean reasonably of course.
She only eats from about 4 PM to maybe sometimes 7ish pm. But anyways in that short amount of time she eats like a horse. And very fatty food. Drinks a cup of 18% heavy cream. Eats tons of cheese.
Loves bread loaded with olive oil… fatty nuts… and occasionally has one of her favorite food which is pizza. But I don’t wanna say too much about that because she usually only eats a slice. Even if she orders fast food she eats off the kid’s meal and usually only has half of it.
Anyways long story short I’m trying to say she eats very high-fat foods. I had her record her calories yesterday and on average even for her small size, she’s eating about 2100 cal a day.
The problem is she eats all of this in a span of two hours.
So come 6 PM when it’s dinner time she annoys our entire family because she’s obviously full and eats like six bites.
I feel bad because I kind of snapped at her today because our parents still worry about her weight a lot.
Today they made one of her other favorite meals. Slow-cooked lamb with fried ricotta cheese. I know it took our mother forever to make it. But again she sits there forever ..takes like six bites and then says she’s full.
I understand why she’s full but my parents always try to make her favorite foods.
Anyways I snapped at her at the dinner table telling her mom took forever to make this. And maybe if she didn’t stuff her face with all the snacks she could make mom happy and eat and finish her dinner for once.
And then she started to cry. And then my parents came at me.
I do feel really bad. I’m just tired of this. Especially because our mother consistently tells her to stop drinking so much dairy because it’s hindering her health.
Apparently drinking or having too much dairy does not make you absorb nutrients.
I’ll be honest with all of you I am about 95% sure I am the jerk. Because I do feel terrible. I’m just really concerned with my sister‘s health.
I just want her to eat properly. She’s 38 years old. Even her 12-year-old son eats better than her. It can’t be good for her health.
So what do you guys think? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She is 38 years old and you’re not her doctor.
She has disordered eating and I am going to guess since this has been driving you all crazy that the disordered eating has been at least partially influenced by people being too watchful of her eating habits.
You’re not having a powerful intervention when you’re complaining to her about lamb on a Tuesday night. Your best action is now to ignore her eating. You’re not dealing with a good person who is capable of hearing your feedback.” wildferalfun
Another User Comments:
“YTJ…
It’s called intermittent fasting… And 2100 calories for a day isn’t necessarily bad… if she’s in a highly physical job definitely about the right calories. Also… For one meal a day, the calories can and do fluctuate throughout the week so not every day will she eat that many or little.
Pretty much you eat til you’re full. And drink water in between… Yes, it sucks that she missed dinner but maybe if you guys asked her when she can eat and make the meal ready when her window starts she could eat more of it…
But yeah.” windywitchofthewest
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – she’s a grown woman and can eat however much or little she pleases. If she doesn’t want the food, put it in containers for the next day it’s not hard. As for counting her calories and dictating her eating habits, if she does have an eating disorder, you probably just made it worse. It’s like taking a sledgehammer to glass. When people point out how much you eat it can stop you from eating entirely. Making her feel bad will only make it worse.” PrincipleAway
7. AITJ For Telling My Dad He Didn't Raise His Son Right?
“I, 18 (f), have two younger siblings 16 (f) and 14 (m). For context, let me describe my home life and who I am. Growing up, my parents were strict with me and would expect the greatest out of me.
I need to get all As, from the minute elementary school gave me letter grades to middle and high school, even onwards. No sleepovers, no weekend hangouts, no this, no that. You get the picture. I was expected to take jokes about my weight, my disorders, etc…
My siblings never had to deal with this, which I am happy with, I have run out of the house multiple times due to stress, where it got to the point that CPS showed up at my house.
Even with all of this, my brother is the most insufferable part of living in this family. I can deal with my parents, but my brother is another story. He calls my sister and me witches, lies about us, calls us names, claims we single him out, and tries to get us in trouble every moment he gets.
It would be a normal sibling rivalry if it wasn’t for the fact that my parents give him very few consequences, so his entitlement and anger have only grown.
It’s Ramadan, so we don’t eat and drink from sunset until sundown.
So you can only imagine how thirsty and hungry I am when it is finally time to eat. My brother cleans the table and drinks within 5 minutes. There are no seconds and sometimes very few firsts for my sister and me.
I give my mother credit for trying to stop my brother sometimes so my sister and I have food, but my dad just sits there (he eats goat liver and kidney and my brother hates that). I use my own funds (working at that ‘smelly, low-income, stupid job’ as my brother calls it) to buy my favorite food for my birthday.
He ate it. My gifts. He destroyed them and ate the candies. He consistently plagiarizes, fights, and disturbs others in his school. He uses derogatory language against others. And today he told me that I am a good-for-nothing witch who is fat, and ugly, and decided to go to a state school because I know I can’t achieve anything greater.
This angered me, not because the state school is good and I worked my butt off in high school for that school, but because my dad said nothing. My mom was furious and told my brother off.
My brother flipped out, threw my food, spit in my drink, and ran off. My dad CHASED him and brought him home with FOOD. I was furious and I told my dad that he raised an abusive, awful son.
My dad took my brother’s half-eaten meal as a peace offering to me, but I was livid. I might have overreacted and told my dad I will never speak to him again until I feel respected in this house, and he was visibly upset.
My mother and my aunts tell me that I went too far and I should apologize to my dad, but my grandmother (dad’s side) and my sister told me that it was only a matter of time before I stood up to them.
So, Am I the Jerk for telling my parents this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Well, your brother is definitely a jerk, but you aren’t.
With that being said, I think you need to try having a conversation with your parents when your emotions aren’t running high and letting them know how you feel.
Because if you were able to hurt his feelings, and he tried to offer you some sort of peace offering, I don’t think it’s that your father doesn’t care about your feelings. Maybe he just genuinely does not know how you feel, I mean outside of you going off on him…” Fine_Following_2559
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your brother learned that behavior from somewhere, is your dad like that with women? It sounds like you’re mom is trying, might be best if she took you and your sister and got away.
There is help available. Is it a cultural thing (I know/have heard that in some cultures the men are treated like kings and women basically like servants.)” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Good on you for standing up for yourself, your brother needs to learn this lesson now before he gets out in the big bad world because he will undoubtedly mouth off to the wrong person and the consequences will be far worse. Your Dad needs to realize this as well and stop being so spineless!” Ixixly
6. AITJ For Coming Out Over Text And Then Refusing To Have An In-Person Conversation?
“So I (17, non-binary) came out as non-binary over text to my parents. I had been wanting to come out for a while because my social dysphoria had been extremely bad but I suffer from anxiety and bringing the subject up to my parents in person seems impossibly hard and just thinking of doing that would cause me to have panic attacks.
So one day at work (I was a nanny) I texted my parents ‘You want to let you know I use they/them pronouns.’ I was too stressed to check for grammatical errors so imagine my surprise when I reread what I sent.
My dad quickly replied ‘What English language are you speaking’ and so I fixed it and restated it with an I instead of a You. It was at this point I had the great misfortune of running into my mom (The kids and I were in town due to swimming lessons.)
My mom and I didn’t have much time to talk so she quickly said ‘That wasn’t an appropriate conversation for text, we will talk more when you get home.’ I don’t want to have any more of a conversation about it so I texted my parents ‘that is the end of that discussion.’ They didn’t reply.
After work, I headed to the gym to avoid home for as long as possible eventually though I couldn’t stall anymore. I came home and my mom kept insisting on having a conversation. I told her that ‘I texted all I was comfortable sharing at the moment.’ She kept telling me that adults have conversations and that if I refuse to have the conversation she was going to start taking privileges away.
And she did. She took away my phone and car. I didn’t even argue. I was just like ‘that’s fine’ and then went upstairs to my room because at this point she was yelling and I didn’t want to deal with that.
She followed me up to my room even though I asked her not to come in and after yelling in my face for ten minutes I finally snapped and yelled back. It was at this point she yelled at me to get out of her house.
So still in my gym clothes and without a phone or car, I got out and walked to my friend’s house (about a fifteen-minute walk.) By the time I got to her house, I was having a full-blown panic attack.
I rang the doorbell and they let me in and tried to comfort me. Eventually, after talking for about an hour I asked my friend if I could borrow her phone to text my mom to see if I could use my car for work tomorrow.
My mom replied be home by eleven and we will talk about it. My friend drove me home right after ten and my mom agreed to let me use the car to get to work but only that.
She also told me I was in the wrong because I came out over text and my older sister who is normally on my side agreed to say it was a jerk move. So was I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
However, as a teenager who presumably still depends on your family for food/shelter/etc you aren’t dealing from a position of strength.
I didn’t tell my fundie family that I was a bisexual atheist until I was out of college, had my own home, and they had to come to me and face me on my terms if they wanted a relationship.
You can’t do that yet, so things will be harder for you.” feministmisogynist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You get to control what you’re comfortable revealing in your own way and in your own time. Yes, adults have discussions, but good ones don’t bully others and pressure them into conversations they clearly stated they don’t want to have.
You were brave to come out, you were mature in stating your boundaries, and you should not be punished for either of those commendable things. I hope they come around and you get the unconditional support you deserve.” freudynslip
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
disclosing pronouns can be so intimate and scary, I don’t know why it shouldn’t be ok to do it however you feel is most comfortable. Your mom’s reaction by punishing you seems harsh.
I think more old-school folks feel texting is only appropriate for casual or quick convos, but I think it can be for anything.
But texting is one of the easiest ways to communicate for me. I know a lot of people hate it, and I wonder if that’s a reason there are ‘things you don’t communicate in text’ or whatever.
Anyway, I’m sorry your mom had that reaction. Glad you had a friend to help out.” kakikat
5. AITJ For Getting Upset At My Parents For Attending A Choir Concert?
“Tonight, I had a choir concert for my school that I asked my family not to come to. They were insistent on coming, often asking why, saying we just want to support you, etc.
I’m happy they support me but I really don’t like people I know watching me perform.
I’m extremely self-conscious and anxious that they might post photos on social media for their hundreds of Mormon friends to see.
I was dropped off at the school (broad daylight, a block away), the concert happened, about 45 minutes long, and done.
I made it through. I was feeling pretty good until I saw my parents and my brother waving at me in the crowd.
I immediately was upset, storming off away from all the people to the outside (as politely as I could to not make a scene or anything, I wasn’t noticed).
I went to text my parents that I would be walking home (still broad daylight, one block away, safe neighborhood, etc) but then my mom called me.
She said to go to the car, asking why I was upset.
I was in tears at this point. I met up with her and reminded her that I was very uncomfortable with her and everyone else coming. She said something about how my dad ‘never said he wasn’t coming’, not saying anything about her and my brother.
Still a jerk move in my opinion. They offered to get me ice cream, but I said I just wanted to go home.
I cried in the car the whole way home (like 3 minutes max). My brother began to say he was sorry and that it was his idea but my mom cut him off.
She said it wasn’t his fault and ‘we just need to figure out why she is reacting like this’.
It felt like they were talking about me like I wasn’t there. They dropped me off at home and all went to get ice cream (I specifically didn’t want to come, I am enjoying the alone time).
Now I’m just laying in my bed typing this, they are all still out. Am I the jerk here? I feel like it isn’t a big request to just not come to something. My mom has also been complaining all day about headaches and cramps, why would she want to come?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Yes, they should have respected the way you want to be supported, but they had good intentions. Why do you want to perform for others but not people who love you? They are proud of you, and want to see you do well, and show off your awesome talents.
I kinda agree with your Mom, you really need to figure out why it scares you. Because you are clearly loved, they mean well.
I’m looking at it from a parent perspective. It would make me incredibly sad to have a child who would sing for everyone they didn’t know, but never me.
As a parent that would be quite sad, so I can see why they really wanted to be there.” vegetable-trainer23
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to render a soft YTJ here and hope you take a glance at it to try to understand the other side of the equation.
Also, just to lay this down right away, it is 200% valid to want them to stop posting pics of you to their online friends, that’s really invasive and I’ve always felt this way. Every kid deserves full autonomy of their online presence and you should discuss this with them separately.
I want to tell you, just to be completely honest with you, that this whole thing is kind of an unwinnable pickle for them on a parental level. I’m going to assume that if this is a concert choir, this is probably the annual spring concert that you’ve been working on since February.
I’m also going to assume you’re probably in high school, which means their chances of seeing you in a scholastic art-type setting are dwindling pretty rapidly, especially if they’ve lost out on these past two years. This is the kind of thing parents really look forward to when their kids are growing up.
There’s so much that sucks, but these things? These are some of the great things. Every year they get a little closer to having to let you go, and being forced to miss out on a performance is…
kind of a tough pill to swallow for parents who know they only get so many chances to support their kids and see them onstage. Once you’re done, that’s it for them. It’s over. No rewinds.
I’m not sure if choir/band/orchestra is mandatory where you are and that’s why you’re up on that stage as someone who apparently suffers from high anxiety, but their rationale is probably something along the lines of, ‘Well, they’re going to be up there whether we’re there or not, with hundreds of familiar eyeballs on them, so why should we be the only ones to miss out on our own kid?’
OP…
it’s a rough spot. I dunno. I do feel bad for you, but you’re putting them in a truly impossible situation. They love you and want to watch you shine, and you’re not providing them with any rationale against it besides what basically boils down to ‘I’m shy onstage and I don’t want you there’ with hundreds of other eyeballs on you that have likely known you since elementary school.
Of course, they’re going to be confused and hurt.
Try having a serious discussion with them about the photos. I have a feeling that’s the real crux of the issue here anyway.” one_1f_by_land
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Without knowing any other info: It seems like it’s difficult for both sides to see the other’s perspective.
Sometimes it’s more anxiety-provoking to be vulnerable in front of people you know whose opinions you care about, so I understand not wanting family there. I also understand how proud parents can be of their kids, so they don’t want to miss what they see as a big achievement in their kids’ lives.” freudynslip
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, why did you even join a choir where you would be having to sing in front of large crowds? Your family is the type that is supportive and loves you.
Soon you will be going to college and moving away, so it’s important for them to get to see you when you have things like this. You’re worried about your parents posting pics, but what about the school posting pics and those getting tagged? Your concert was done and you didn’t even notice them being there, you were all good until you actually saw them.
You throw a fit and angrily go outside to get away from them. Do you usually get your way at home, or when things don’t go your way you get angry and mad at them and even yell at them?
You actually sound spoiled, because when you didn’t know they were there you did just fine.
Get over yourself, supportive parents will show up to events when their son or daughter says mom please don’t come, or mom I won’t be playing you don’t need to go. You know your actions didn’t hurt anyone but yourself, they went out and enjoyed ice cream, while you stayed in your room sulking.” Awkward_Joke_5748
4. AITJ For Yelling At My Classmate?
“I am a 9th-grade female at my school and there’s this one really annoying girl in my french class, who is an 8th grader that I’ll call M.
Since the beginning of the year, M has infuriated me.
She sings loudly (and she sings poorly on purpose) during class at almost all times, even when the teacher is talking. She ‘compliments’ people but in actuality, she’s being sarcastic. She’s just super loud and rude. I’m not even a teacher’s pet (to be honest I don’t care about my teachers and what they think of me, I’m just nice to them because being a teacher must suck), but whenever she talks when the teacher is talking I get so annoyed.
I’ve yelled at M before when I politely asked her to stop talking and she said no, then proceeded to talk louder, and when I asked her again she talked even louder so I accidentally yelled, ‘CAN YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT UP!’
Today, I kind of yelled/said something mean to her.
We were playing a game as a class in french and part of the game was that you weren’t supposed to talk unless the game told you to (kind of hard to explain). So M was yelling and was just overall being super annoying and everyone was asking her to stop but she just wouldn’t.
So then I said, kind of loudly but not really yelling, ‘Dude chill out! Meditate or something I don’t care just chill out and stop talking!’ After that, the entire class laughed and I feel kind of bad because that must’ve been embarrassing.
But also, she didn’t chill out at all she just told me I was ‘being a hater’ (those are her exact words).
So AITJ for yelling at a girl in my french class?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If she’s being disrespectful on purpose, that’s just something she had coming for her.
Teaching must suck, and that girl should really grow up and start respecting adults/upperclassmen.” dont_eat_my_ramen
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
One annoying girl in class is bad enough. But once you got involved everybody else had to deal with TWO annoying girls in class.” feministmisogynist
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
This is just some annoying person who’s younger than you. No need to ever yell at them. Go get an adult or try and talk quietly and firmly with them. Jerks are the ones that get loud with people. That’s it.” LavaMammoth69
3. AITJ For Saying My Friend Ruined A Game For Me?
“Recently, my friends managed to persuade me to get Elden Ring since they were really into it; I’m mostly a retro gamer, but there are some modern games I like, so I decided ‘why not?’ They had been playing the game since launch, I got it 3 weeks later, and in that time they all had gotten super far ahead of me.
So once it was installed, I sat down and loaded it up, thinking I would play for a good while with them, but I only ended up being able to for ~an hour due to family life.
It was just me and one friend, and I ended up making zero progress in that hours’ time since the game took forever to load, I took a while to create my character, and my friend told me I should watch all the cutscenes since it’s my first time playing.
We weren’t able to play together since I was new and hadn’t unlocked any spawn points yet (or whatever they are called), so my friend decided to tell me more about the game in-depth, then that turned into him full-on explaining what each character class does, what they’re strong at, weak at, how the controls work, which weapons I should and shouldn’t use, etc., all stuff I could have learned with some common sense, and by playing it on my own; like I said, I’m a retro gamer, and I’ve played several genre-defining RPGs, so to me this felt like he was schooling me on how to play an RPG, and I wasn’t fond of it.
I had to go, and I didn’t end up playing for the rest of that week since my console wouldn’t boot. I got that squared away, then that weekend that same friend came to my house and continued to ‘help’ me play the game, this time explaining to me how to level up, saying ‘When you choose vigor, it levels up this, this and this, when you choose Dexterity it levels up this and this’ (and so on with all the rest, which it SHOWS you what goes up when you highlight each option, so I found this EXTREMELY irritating), then we navigated the map up to one of the bosses, and the entire time I am trying to fight the boss, he was sitting next to me calling out ‘Attack him!’ ‘Dodge!’ ‘Press Circle!’ ‘Heal!’ all of that.
I was about ready to stop the game right then and tell him to shut up, but I held myself together and pressed on until it was time for him to go.
I’m done playing the game; he completely spoiled the experience for me.
That was why I like playing old games; the games do not tell you what to do, and since my friends have never even heard of 99% of the games I play/own, neither do they; I get to experience the game on my own with nobody sitting over my shoulder.
I told him all this the next time we were on a call, and he got all bent out of shape saying that all he did was ‘explain the menus and stuff to me; he did not give me spoilers’, and yeah, he did not, but he definitely did not JUST explain the menus and stuff.
I’m not getting invited to play other games with them anymore. I see them all online playing together, but they seem to have excluded me from the party and I can’t join their sessions anymore. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
People just have different gaming styles. What you’re going to find is there are tons of modern gamers who are all going to go fast watch the YouTube guides and skip learning anything for themselves. It’s simply the modern evolution of the old min-maxers.
To them that style is fun. But it sucks all the fun out of the game for non-min-maxers to be around them.” BlueClouds42
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Your friend was just trying to help, I don’t see why you couldn’t have said ‘Dude, can you please shut up, I like to experience these things myself.’ Problem solved.” SmellslikeBongWater
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your so-called friend was condescending, but you could have kicked him out, dropped the friendship, and continued to enjoy Elden Ring at your own pace.
I have no sympathy for you because you’re a gamer.” feministmisogynist
2. WIBTJ If I Tell My Friend I Don't Want To Financially Support Her Anymore?
“I (30M) have this friend (25F) who we’ll call Chloe, and we’ve been close friends for a few years. Now, I’ve always been inspired by Chloe. She’s artistic, spiritual, and constantly full of life and joy. I really feel as though I’ve grown a lot through our friendship, and she’s given me a lot of alternative perspectives.
Partway through last year, Chloe began a postgraduate program and couldn’t work as much, or focus on her art. She was quite forlorn about this and was worried about finances, so I offered to send her $1000 a month to help out while she did her program.
I’m pretty well off, so $1000 a month is easily affordable, and I wanted her to be able to do her studies but also still be herself and be inspiring. To me, it was worth it.
Chloe was obviously pretty happy and initially offered to repay me with various favors, which I told her she didn’t need to do.
It was very important to me that she didn’t feel like she owed me anything, that I was doing this because I wanted to, and anything she wanted to do was up to her.
At first, everything was fine, and we’d still hang out a fair bit, but after a few months, she started to be less present.
She wouldn’t really respond to texts, and we basically stopped hanging out. I just figured she was busy so I didn’t hassle her. Since then though I’ve barely heard from her at all. I occasionally reach out to see if everything is okay, but don’t get much of a response, just that she’s doing okay and she’s busy.
I’m… starting to reconsider things. On the one hand, I’m helping her out, and yet she’s put almost no effort into our friendship for several months. I feel a bit taken advantage of. On the other hand, I made it clear that she didn’t owe me anything for my help, so I feel like withdrawing support now would make a lie of that.
I would also be potentially putting her in a difficult financial position. I’m also concerned that even if I just say ‘hey I’m worried that we don’t talk as much anymore’ she may still feel an obligation because of the money, even if I don’t bring it up.
Would I be the jerk if I reached out to Chloe, and told her that I’m upset because of how distant she’s been? Or is that unreasonable of me given that the support was supposed to have no obligations attached?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’d contact her and say you’re no longer in the position to continue to support her financially, and the last stipend will be May 2020 (give her a bit of time to get her affairs in order).
You’re proud of her achievements and will be watching and cheering for her as she goes forward.
You don’t have to go into details about your friendship and its dwindling being a reason that your position is being re-evaluated.
You don’t have to defend that you have the financial means still. It’s not about that.
Life changes. You’re just not in that same space right now. You’ve been more than generous to this friend. It’s just time to close this particular chapter in your book.
No one’s fault.” Decent_Ad6389
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ.
Money has a real way of being both the best and worst thing ever.
People with funds to spare have acted as patrons to individual artists and large artistic pursuits throughout history. It’s an amazing and important tradition, in my opinion, that enables creatives to work more freely.
I think it can be difficult and put an odd imbalance in the relationship when the patron and the artist are friends first though. Not an unworkable balance, just one that needs to be figured out. I think accepting the small favors would probably have relieved some of this ‘professional’ pressure in this case.
I would put an end time to the contributions, perhaps May or June, which I assume is the end of the school year. Encourage her to set up something like a Patreon account which I feel would make the exchange of funds less fraught and would encourage her to give her patrons something in return for their generosity.
When there is an exchange instead of a one-way stream the relationship between patron and artist can feel less pressurized. It can be personal thank you cards, small artwork, videos of her process, invitations to shows or gallery events with a chance to talk to her, or even just photo updates of her work.
If you felt up to supporting her again in the future that would be your decision.” Zealousideal_End2330
Another User Comments:
“I think YWBTJ only because this seems like you are adding a string to the support. You’ve put yourself into a weird situation and I’m feeling like the only person who would make this kind of offer would be someone with romantic feelings for the other person.
My guess is she feels weird about it but counts on the money enough that she can’t tell you to stop sending it – like a sugar daddy situation that wasn’t in either of your plans. I wonder if instead of pulling your funding (which is your money and you can do it, but I think you’ll lose her as a friend forever) because you aren’t happy she’s pulled away, maybe put a time limit on it like to the end of her semester.
Make up a white lie if you have to or be honest and state you are only able to maintain it until then. It gives her time to sort herself out at least.
A tiny bit of advice? Next time, don’t financially meddle in your friend’s goings-on. It creates weird relationship dynamics.” bunnyhopskip
Do not back down once she realizes her responsibilities are keeping her from spending enough time with you. She might make more of an effort to see you.
1. AITJ For Not Thinking Of My Friend's Partner When Dropping Off A Cupcake?
“I (21F) dropped off a cupcake for my friend’s (22M) birthday. I knew he was spending the day with his SO (20F) and I wasn’t sure if he was home, so I dropped it at his door and texted him to check his front door.
I didn’t call. (Note: they don’t live together).
The next day, my friend called me and told me how I really hurt his SO’s feelings. She thought it was extremely disrespectful that I not only interrupted his birthday which she had thoughtfully planned but that I also didn’t get her a cupcake as well.
This made her feel excluded.
I told him his SO is a narcissist for making a small birthday gift about herself and also expecting someone she doesn’t know to give her one too.
I told him he was a bad friend for enabling her behavior.
AITJ for not getting my friend’s SO permission to drop off a birthday cupcake and for also for not getting her one too?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Wow, she’s just one giant red flag ain’t she? No, you are not the jerk because you don’t need her permission to gift him something on HIS birthday nor do you have to include her in the gift.
If you knocking on the door interrupted his plans that much they can’t actually have been that well thought out, that good or that important.” PommeDeSang
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The SO needs to grow up. She’s seriously upset about not getting a cupcake? That’s so childish who cares?!
Just like you said, you didn’t know if he was home or not and they don’t live together, so why should you buy her a cupcake? And you don’t know her, what if she was allergic to something in the cupcake? That would have fallen on you.
And why in the world would you need her permission to drop off a cupcake? It takes just a few seconds for him to walk to his door, grab the cupcake, and go back to her.
You didn’t interrupt anything.
She just seems very immature and manipulative. And shame on your friend for enabling this behavior. He doesn’t seem like such a good friend if he’s agreeing with this ridiculousness.” legallyasif
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The cupcake was his gift.
He should have just said thanks for the effort. His SO sounds like a handful or something, so maybe take a step back from him now and let him know that you are his platonic friend who will always be there when he needs you.” CCForester
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here except for the birthday boy.
If you knew he was spending the day with his SO, the polite thing to do would have been to drop off 2 cupcakes. Where I come from you’d drop off 6 just in case he had people over.
I don’t think you needed permission from his SO to drop off a cupcake though. That’s just ridiculous. And if SO’s whole day was ruined because of 1 cupcake, then she needs to toughen up.
BOTH of you need to cease your petty drama and stop ruining this poor dude’s birthday with your nonsense. She’s not a ‘narcissist’. You both just need to relax.” CalamityClambake
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