People Want To Hear Our Opinions Of Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
20. AITJ For Not Wanting To Help My Partner Around The House?
“My wife is a stay-at-home mom of 3 kids. 2 have autism. 2 are in school. I will be the first to admit, that she’s overwhelmed. This is a full-time job. My job is a rotating shift every 4 weeks working underground.
For over 10 yrs I’ve worked long hours and come home and never said anything about dinner not being on the stove, the house being a wreck, etc. I account for 100% of the income.
My duties are dishes and trash. These are fine, I don’t expect her to take out the trash.
However. When I’m off work, every other weekend. I’m expected to work at the house putting the past 2 weeks’ worth of laundry away. I work long hours in a dangerous environment and have to come home and be pressed to catch up on dishes, or pressed to do laundry on my time off.
I mow the yard, etc. I’m tired. I feel like if she’s got time to watch episode after episode of series after series, on Netflix, prime, paramount, and apple… She can probably do a load of laundry a day, which includes putting it away…
Probably have dinner made.
I think she’s spoiled. I don’t know what to do. She has a desire to be the best. She is the most involved in school, sports, etc… she’s never satisfied and craves more attention from everyone. Needs constant petting and reassurance…
communication.
I just want to work, come home, and relax. I’m also willing to pay for a housekeeper to help. My time is precious when I’m not at work, I don’t want to work. Please note, that I have no hobbies, no ppl I hang out with…
when I’m not at work, I’m home. She thinks I’m a jerk and she does 98% of everything for our kids. This is accurate, but I provide 100% of the things she takes for granted. A nice house, a nice vehicle.
All needs, most want, provided for. She has 8k worth of jewelry on her fingers. I’m pretty sure there are a bunch of women that are raising 3 kids, probably working, that would trade places with her.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You suck because you aren’t willing to help her when you’re home and haven’t insisted on hiring a housekeeper.
If she does watch Netflix, it’s because it’s her escape from the misery of her daily life. She never gets a mental break. Some of that is her own doing, and some are not. She’s raising three kids, two with special needs, on her own.
There is NO WAY she can keep up. She’s coping as best she can.
She needs respite care and someone to help around the house every day. She’s sliding down into a mental health crisis and seeking reassurance that she’s capable and can do it all – because she no longer believes it.
She needs the pep talks.
It’s crushing for a parent to realize they actually can’t do it all.
You need to insist on getting her help around the house.
You two need to sit down and have a rational discussion on expectations and feelings.
You deserve to have some hobbies and so forth but you also have a responsibility to be a husband and father.
As far as the jewelry goes, big deal. That’s clearly not her love language. Buying gifts doesn’t make up for being an absent partner.
You both need to determine what you need from one another and if you can meet those needs.” DarkAthena
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Caretaking those kids by yourself and attending to 99% of their care, needs, and wants is a full-time job all by itself.
You live there too. When does she get time off? When is she not doing something physically or mentally for the household? She doesn’t get to put in 10 hrs a day and call it quits. You’re so sure she’s spoiled and lazy then take a week’s vacation, send her on her own vacation away by herself, and YOU do everything she does.
There is no world where any parent can work, come home, and be completely off. None. Stop whining like a little kid and do your part to help around the house and with your children much more than your measly trash and dishes.
Get over yourself.
You want to be nothing more than a wallet, then divorce her, pay child support, and let her go be with someone who values all she does and truly supports her and the kids. Oh wait, you’d have to never have custody of your kids to be completely off when you get home.
Ridiculous. I just divorced a man like you because I figured out if I’m doing it all on my own and he’s got money, then he can pay child support and I can get real-time off when he has the kids with him.
Wake up or you’ll be in the same situation.” BTanalyst
Another User Comments:
“Omg yes. You are absolutely the jerk for being upset that your wife needs help.
YTJ
When exactly does your wife get to clock out?
When does she get to take a lunch break all to herself?
Does she get to call in sick?
Three children, they sound young (under 10 at least) two with autism (!!!) Just the children all alone sound like a full-time job that never stops.
Throw in care of the household, dinner, laundry, and emotional labor (what sizes do they all wear? What shoes are they wearing out? Can we afford to get x a new coat? When is the next doctor’s appointment? Dentist, occupational therapy, PTA meeting, parent-teacher conferences? A birthday party is coming up remember to get a gift! All of that nonsense that she has to hold responsibility for)?
And you were complaining because you don’t want to fold laundry when you get home? You don’t want to ‘work’ when you get off work? Lord give me strength.
Perhaps you should get a divorce and pay her alimony and child support. Then you can sit on your butt after working hard all you like. And maybe when you have to take care of your children by yourself when it’s your custody time you’ll finally begin to appreciate some of what she takes care of for you and your family.
If you were divorced, you would have your own home that you would care for however you like. You would scrub your own toilets and wash your own clothes with whatever frequency that you like. You would get your own meals yourself.
You would STILL have to do those things even though you also work a full-time job! You are BENEFITTING GREATLY from your wife’s work at home.
If you prefer not to go that route I suggest you guys get into couples counseling asap.
Because if I was your wife and I had to deal with this nonsense you’re spewing all the time I would leave you for sure.
I do want to recognize that it sounds like you work very hard at a physically demanding job.
But so does your wife. You BOTH sound tired and kind of demoralized. You should look at this as a problem for BOTH of you and see what changes you can make TOGETHER to alleviate both of your stress. Why not work WITH your wife to solve these common problems instead of against her? That is how marriages are supposed to work.
But if you keep just saying ‘she’s got time, she should do it all because I buy her jewelry’, it’s not going to work out for you.
Once again,
YTJ.” rainishamy
19. AITJ For Telling My Wife She Can't Wear A Hat To A Wedding?
“My (m39) wife (f35) and I have been married for nine years. My wife had always been insecure about her forehead. She always complains about how it’s too big, and I can’t handle all her complaining. I think she looks beautiful no matter the size of her forehead, and I always tell her that but she never listens.
The thing that she started doing a couple of years ago is wearing hats. She uses it to make her forehead look smaller, and she loves it. I can see big changes in her personality, but I don’t know if it’s a good thing.
Almost a year ago I has asked to be the best man at my brother’s wedding. My wife is good friends with my brother’s fiance. We were helping them plan the entire year, and I am thrilled to be going. Fast forward a week before the wedding.
This is when the problem arose.
My wife had told me that she wanted to keep what she was wearing to the wedding a secret. I had forced her to show me the week before. As she got ready I couldn’t help wondering why she wanted to keep it a secret.
I knew as soon as she walked out. Her dress was stunning yes, but she was wearing a hat. Then she told me how my brother’s fiancé told her she could wear it. I yelled at her saying that she needed to be more confident in herself and that there was no way she was wearing the hat to the wedding.
She looked at me, then stormed out. All week I’ve been getting angry texts and emails from her family. The wedding is tomorrow and I have no idea what to do.
Edit: my wife happened to walk in 15 minutes ago. I apologized but she didn’t say anything.
I told her I shouldn’t have yelled at her and she said that it was rude and now she’s even more insecure. I told her I’d do anything to help her get through this, but she promptly said no. She told me yes she was going to the wedding tomorrow with me.
As she walked to her room she turned around and said, all the women are wearing hats you know. Then she closed the door. Now I know I’m the jerk. I called up my brother and told him what happened. He told me that he had never agreed that all the girls were wearing hats.
He told me he’d think of something and left.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Nothing gives a person confidence like being yelled at to ‘get more confident’. Describe one setting where that would ever work. Also what business is it of yours if she wants to wear a hat to the wedding? Did you join the fashion police in your downtime? So you’ve insulted your wife’s self-confidence, her appearance, and her style.
What a catch you are.
Also just want to add. She’s clearly self-conscious about her forehead and was probably super excited about the wedding. Now she knows her hat/forehead will be a discussion point for both families, likely her greatest nightmare. You really really really pooped the bed on this one dude.
This isn’t a flowers and apology fix. This is gonna be a looong and deep-cut issue for a long long time.” Hazelwood38
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re being weirdly controlling and dismissive while couching it in encouragement. Why do you think that you get to have a say in what your wife wears? As for ‘telling’ her to be more confident, you may as well have told her to change her eye color! Don’t worry about what to do about the wedding, you’ve done enough already.” Consistent-Leopard71
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, has yelling BE CONFIDENT at someone ever made them more confident? Dude, you have no idea the kind of barrage of criticism aimed at women, telling them that their entire value is being pretty, but they’re not pretty enough.
Your wife found a solution, and since she’s not in the wedding party (? is she?) and obliged to wear matching bridesmaid outfits, she’s fine. Lots of bridesmaids’ outfits have been hated. Jesus, just go along with the hat.
Women wear hats to weddings, this is totally normal. Google royal weddings–the hats are a big part of the wardrobe.
‘I told her I’d do anything to help her get through this.’ Okay, lay off about the hat.” Sea-Mud5386
18. WIBTJ If I Hire An Email Spammer To Make My Daughter Do Chores?
“My daughter is an adult who will be 19 in July.
When she was under the age of 18 we had a chore chart in the house and consistent consequences but I HATE nagging. I hate it so much. I don’t want to have to manage another person, and I don’t like confrontation.
It would have been easier to just do it myself but that’s not what parenting is so I did it. I put my time in for 18 years.
That is why now that my daughter is an ADULT I don’t want to anymore!
I have autism, and having mess around is upsetting for me.
It pulls me down into a depressive place. It makes it hard to think and function. I have explained that this is why we each have shared chores in the house rather than me being a 1950s housewife.
I have a mobility issue due to a degenerative spine condition which keeps me stuck in the (top floor walkup) apartment almost all of the time.
It also makes it extremely painful for me to stand up/do chores. I am not physically equipped to be cleaning up after another adult like a maid but if the place starts to collapse so too will any ability to cope with my day.
And yet despite understanding this, there is an unwashed blue pot she used to make soup in, that has sat there for several weeks now.
I was curious how long it would take before she cleaned up after herself.
Apparently ‘until the underworld freezes over’.
Two days ago was particularly bad. She dropped frozen blueberries on the floor, and just left them there. I asked her politely to pick them up and she did but she just left the stain on the floor. In the same fifteen min span of time, she knocked over an open can of lentils in the refrigerator and left it sitting there leaking into the Ziploc bag I used as a lid.
When I – again politely (seriously I don’t even know where I find the patience) – requested she please clean that up, she literally raised her voice and told me she DOESN’T KNOW HOW…
I told her to tilt it back up and pour the contents of the bag back into the can.
She did, but she left the leak mess all over the inside of the fridge and the berry stain was just sitting there a foot away.
At this point having already been yelled at I am lacking the spoons to deal with this further in a constructive way, so I exit the kitchen.
Yesterday I photograph the pot, the stain, and the leaking mess and DM them to her with the text ‘heyyy can you please clean these things up’.
She says sure and apologizes for making the mess.
But… the blue pot is still sitting there.
Now it has an eggy frypan inside of it.
Did I mention we live in an apartment with a postage-stamp-sized kitchen? And that the blue pot is a giant soup pot?
I have written a helpful young man in Sri Lanka on Fiverr who offers advertisement bulk spamming as a gig and he is willing to send 1000 emails to my kid to wash the pot.
WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. If only because spam from a 3rd party isn’t exactly parenting either. Your daughter is an adult capable of understanding reason and consequences.
Outline your expectations for her in your home (I.e. when you spill/stain anything while in a common area, clean it up immediately), and let her know that you’ve already tried repeatedly speaking to her but it’s not working.
Not wanting to nag is understandable, and when you also have the option of asking someone to leave if they can’t respect your wishes it’s truly not necessary either. Outline consequences (I.e. I will ask you twice to clean something up, if it doesn’t work I’ll clean it up myself so that I’m comfortable in my own home but if I have to do this X many times I’ll take that as a lack of compatibility and ask you to move out).
Ignorance is not an excuse, neither is an apology without action. Please cater the ideas to whatever seems fair to you, but as your daughter is an adult now the same expectations of care aren’t there anymore. What you’re asking of her is the same boundaries she’s going to have to learn when she lives as an independent adult, either she learns them with you or with someone else but her choices are no longer your responsibility.” 3tzamani
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you can’t live this way.
You said she may have something, first things first: diagnosis and medication if needed. If something is keeping her from actually doing the chores she apparently knows how to do, then maybe she is mentally held back. After she gets things right, then you can approach her doing chores again.
If she still can’t do it, then it’s more of not wanting to, than not being able to. So you either tell her she’s contributing money to a housekeeper, or she has to find her own place.” User
Another User Comments:
“I’ve got probably 200 unread emails in my account currently.
You DO realize emails have auto spam filters and at best she’ll see very few if any of those emails and that you’re just wasting money right? Also depending on her settings her phone is sooo not going to be blowing up.
Either talk to your daughter like an adult or tell her to move out.
YTJ.” PommeDeSang
17. AITJ For Not Being Excited About My Nephew's Milestones?
“My (18F) sister, Mary (20F) got pregnant by her partner last year and had my nephew, Oli (5moM).
Mary had to drop out of college and go back to my parents’ house with her partner… so living at home: my parents, me, Mary, her partner, and Oli.
Oli is our sunshine, especially for my parents as he’s their first grandchild, so everyone at home is very involved in raising Oli naturally.
The situation:
Oli is in the babbling stage for the joy of parents and grandparents, but oh gosh.
I don’t know if I don’t understand, I’ll admit that I’m not studying this, so be kind, in case there is any mistake in my perception.
As I said, he’s the greatest joy of all at home and my nephew apparently already knows how to call everyone’s name at home.
‘BABAPUPA’ called mother. ‘GAPODA’ called daddy, ‘DADIDO’ grandpa, ‘DADIDA’ grandma… Do you understand what I mean? It’s meaningless baby babble (I think), but every time he makes a similar sound, they’re ecstatic for my nephew, the baby prodigy.
Guys, like all parents and relatives, I also think my nephew is a prodigy, but there are babbles at random times.
These days it was my turn to be called by Oli, I was talking to Mary while she was changing Oli and he said ‘GUDI’ (something like that), and my sister turned to me and said ‘he called the godmother (me)’.
I reacted normally, excited not to upset my sister, but she noticed I wasn’t that excited and pressured me to say what was wrong for hours (no kidding).
I reached my limit when she brought up the subject of me not being so excited when Oli called me to the dinner table with everyone present.
I just replied ‘Mary, I love Oli, but it’s random babble, in my opinion’.
Everyone got mad and I regret opening my mouth because of the kind of dinner that was.
Everyone came to a consensus (even though I had explained what I said) that I’m not that excited about my nephew’s development and this could be motivated by jealousy (???) for being single and childless.
Mary is pretty upset with me and is on her silent treatment. My parents insist that I apologize to her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are entitled to your opinion. You’re just not as excited about the babbling as they are, and it wouldn’t make anything better if you just pretend to be excited.
I believe that you love and adore your nephew which is good, but it makes sense that you wouldn’t be excited about every little thing.
Your family is definitely allowed to be excited about the baby’s development, but if you’re not, I don’t see why that’s such a problem.
You’re not the baby’s mother, so you shouldn’t have to be all excited all the time, I don’t know why they’re getting so worked up about it. It’s also kinda weird that they’re accusing you of being jealous that you don’t have a child when you’re only 18.
But yeah.” GhostlyJax
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you should not apologize until your family apologizes to you for saying you are jealous.
In what bizarre world would an 18-year-old be jealous of a 20-year-old who got pregnant, dropped out of school, is not married, has no money to put a roof over her or her child’s head, and has to go back running to mummy and daddy? That’s an awful life.
Unless they apologize then do not apologize.
And secondly, the baby is 5 months they are not talking, they have no intent with these sounds bar maybe for their mother, and it’s just babbling. The parents care, the grandparents care no one else needs to, it’s not your child, and you can love and adore the child and not act and feel the same as a parent.
You’ve also learned a lesson not to be bullied by your sister and to say what you think or feel. You can feel and react how you want and you are entitled to keep that to yourself and not be badgered about it for hours.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I think the novelty of having a baby in the house is starting to wear thin on you.
Babies babble. He’s 5mo, he’s calling no one. But it sounds like you responded to his babble and your sister in a bit of a huff, which I think is understandable if under constant pressure to be so excited by the slightest thing he does.
You’re not going to be doing cartwheels every time he does something.
Your sister and parents need to get over that while you love your nephew, you’re just not as excited by these things as they are. It’s cute and all, but still just a baby babbling away.
If they carry on with this he’s going to be a prodigy attitude over every little thing he does, the child is going to be under some serious pressure growing up.
Also, they should be proud you’re childless and single at 18. You’ve got your whole life to live before even considering babies.” HunterDangerous1366
16. AITJ For Not Wanting A Cat?
“I (24M) have a significant other ‘Sam’ (23F). We’ve been together for 3 years and currently have an apartment together. Sam is allergic to cats, so we have a dog together we rescued from the shelter. Whenever she’s around cats she gets a rash, her eyes water and swell, and her nose gets very clogged.
Even though she’s allergic she still loves cats but doesn’t have an interest in owning one.
Now, my birthday was a few days ago and my parents and sister have been asking what I want as a gift. I told them I would love a new pair of shoes and clothes.
My sister ‘Kate’ said I should get a pet instead. I told them Sam and I already have a dog and we weren’t looking for a new animal right now. Kate kept pushing for us to get a new animal but we just aren’t looking for one right now.
She then said it doesn’t have to be a dog, why not get a cat? She was overly excited about that idea but at the time I didn’t think much of it. I reminded her that Sam is allergic to cats that I don’t ever want a cat and that it’s not fair to Sam.
She got annoyed and was pretty much irritated for the rest of the visit. Kate gets annoyed easily so I didn’t think much of it. My birthday came and went and my parents ended up getting me some shoes and clothes.
Kate didn’t get me anything but I figured it was because finances were tight for her. Boy was I wrong.
Last night Sam and I went over for dinner, but Kate was being rude and giving Sam the cold shoulder all night.
I ended up asking if she was okay or stressed about anything, and that’s when she blew up. Turns out that when I was visiting them and Kate kept pushing me to get a cat, was because she was going to gift me a cat for my birthday.
She said Sam was just a self-entitled ‘brat’ who can’t handle the sniffles when around a cat. She went on to say Sam ruined her big gift and had to give the cat back to her friend which made Kate feel awkward.
I told Kate she had no right to treat Sam that way and she had no idea about Sam’s allergies. I told her she didn’t have a right to get mad because I didn’t want a cat. In all honesty, I like cats, but I never wanted to own one even before Sam and I started going out.
Kate ended up storming out of dinner and is now demanding Sam and I apologize for hurting her feelings, ruining her gift, and making her embarrassed in front of her friend who she got the cat from. I did apologize she felt that way but told her pets are not the best gift even if it’s to family.
She’s now refusing to talk to me and says I’m a horrible brother. I feel like she’s overacting a bit but I also understand how she feels. So AITJ for saying I never want a cat?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. I think your sister should actually be the one apologizing.
She got you a cat despite you saying you didn’t want one and Sam is allergic. I also don’t think your sister understands what allergies actually are because I’m pretty sure it’s not just ‘the sniffles’. If she really did give you guys that cat, she could’ve put your partner in danger and she obviously doesn’t realize that.
I really don’t understand why so many people don’t take allergies seriously, it’s sickening at this point.” GhostlyJax
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Pets should never be gifts for one thing and people should never push anyone into getting a pet they don’t want.
If you ever decide you do want a cat your SO can talk to her doctor about allergy medication – my sister wanted a dog and got shots every two weeks just so she could have one.
That was a long time ago so I’m sure things have improved.
Also, your dog might not like cats either. We have 4 cats and the dog gets very jealous of them and mad if they meow when he’s sleeping. Lol.” exotics
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your sister has some kind of twisted logic here. You saying you don’t want a cat should be enough of a reason for not gifting you one. Your SO is the second reason.
In addition: If you say you already have a dog – then it might be even more complicated (depending on how he is around cats) and it might be beneficial to introduce and give both a chance to get to know each other, before gifting a cat to you.
Why would she even want to give you a cat, although you told her a couple of times that you don’t want one?
That makes no sense – maybe her friend’s cat had kittens and now she wants to get rid of them and wants to force them upon people she knows (so she knows they have a good home).” journeytohealth1985
15. WIBTJ If I Ask My Sister To Plan Ahead When Wanting To Visit Me?
“My (25F) sister (23F) out of the blue sent me her flight confirmations to come to see me and my grandmother. I told her and my grandmother a month ago I was planning on a few days out of town for my birthday (4/20) over a month ago.
While I was out of town my sister called me and asked to come to see me and I told her I was three hours away from my home and she was aware of this and so no she can’t and I wouldn’t be home till Thursday.
So then she and my grandmother booked a hotel for Friday and Saturday of this week to see me and my daughter and I told her that I most likely can’t get out of work. Well, my manager very graciously let me off early (I am a server at a very busy restaurant) and let me know I can come in two hours late the next day (today).
Well, last night I met up with them and gave them my daughter for them to see because my daughter is obsessed with her great grandma, and not even five minutes into seeing me my sister is asking me to borrow my car while I work tomorrow (today) and I told her no and she was irritated with me.
Now today they were blowing up my phone this morning when last night I let them know I will not be waking up early and will call them when I woke up. I have insomnia and sleep in hence why I work nights.
This isn’t even an issue with my child as she will come and ask me for food and I give it to her and then she quietly plays in her room until I’m fully up (I have been blessed with her).
So now I’m unable to fall back asleep and I am irritated.
So WIBTJ if I tell my sister that the next time she comes to visit she has to give me solid dates so I can take time off work and plan around it instead of throwing this all on me and expecting me to bend my schedule around her visit? I feel bad because she paid to see me but also was not even given the time to plan.”
Another User Comments:
“If your sister came to see you and you made yourself not available that would be a different story.
But I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, your sister didn’t come to see YOU. That would require planning with you to make mutually agreeable times and activities. This is not what seems to be happening. Set clear boundaries and be prepared to reinforce them.
Not maliciously but firmly. If you move with that energy you will remain NTJ.” PsychologyNo3495
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your sister is a selfish and inconsiderate jerk who expected you to set aside your life and schedule to revolve around her, it’s immature.
I would have a talk with her and tell her how inappropriate she was.
How if she had any respect for you she would give you notice so you have the chance to make your schedule work.” Piper6728
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I know everyone’s sticking with NTJ, but honestly don’t think your sister is doing anything crazy.
I get that you didn’t want to let her borrow your car. But the rest of it? It’s not like they forced you to not go on your trip. Also calling a sibling in the morning while perhaps annoying isn’t the end of the world.
Would I act like this to anyone, not my sibling? Probably not. But if my brother showed up tomorrow and said he was gonna be on the couch, I’d probably just shrug and say ok, then try my best to spend time with him.
Basically, I don’t know, if they’d harassed you or something I’d be on your side. But sounds like she was mildly inconsiderate, then stuck with the schedule you gave them – yesterday evening and this morning.” notcreepycreeper
14. AITJ For Decorating A Rented House?
“My (38f) wife (34f) and I rent a house. We moved in on Oct 19 and weren’t there very long before the global crisis hit. We have three kids under 5, two of which are under Social Services as we are foster carers.
The house was a very old council house and the landlord did change a few carpets and painted it magnolia before we moved in. The main carpets in the downstairs living room and bedroom were not changed and these had stains and fraying burns on them.
Slowly as social services started to visit, we were told to change a few things by them such as underlay in the kid’s bedrooms, attaching furniture to the walls, and putting wooden flooring down to stop smells (one of the kids is incontinent) and we did all this.
I also went above and beyond to change the internal doors downstairs from the 2-ply council doors to white wooden doors.
Our home now looks like a family lives there. It’s more modern (but still needs more like a replacement kitchen).
We have been waiting for some new windows to be fitted and requested this last May.
They were finally fitted last week, after a rough winter. The landlord’s husband fitted them, and went home and told his wife about all the changes we made.
I received a text from the landlord telling me that I received an email last visit from the letting agent and that any changes should have been run past her before we did anything, she was livid and insisted she had replaced all the carpets in the house.
She has threatened to come to the house to see it for herself (she’s the landlord, so we have to let her!) but her attitude was terrible in the text messages, including how she didn’t care that social services were putting pressure on us and that maybe we should be asking for more help with the children (all three have additional needs including epilepsy, a genetic disorder, and autism among other things).
She dismissed our caring for the garden – it’s not our top priority but gets a mow when it needs it (we aren’t Alan Titchmarsh) and told us it needs attention. I also did not receive an email from her or the letting agent – she sent it to .com instead of .co.uk so I wasn’t aware of her feelings.
The reason we did not contact her to discuss these changes at the time was that her mother had become ill and passed away and we did not want to burden her with something we could be doing ourselves. I’d already replaced a kitchen cupboard due to a leak.
We also intend to put everything back as it was when and if we move, so the decorating is to suit us.
In our opinion (and social services) we have made the house look much better, and probably more lettable but it seems likely the landlord will want us out because we didn’t tell her of the changes.
AITJ for decorating a rented house?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. There is no excuse for not communicating any changes with the homeowner. It’s up to them to decide if they were too busy to hear your request, you can’t make that decision for them.
That is super entitled. The core element of renting a home is trusting the renters will treat the home and you with respect. You showed her no respect by deciding you have the right to do whatever you want without needing approval.
You better apologize until you lose your voice otherwise you’re gonna get booted. The homeowner has zero trust in you anymore.” Hazelwood38
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. I don’t think it was a jerk move to redecorate when it was necessary, especially given the needs of your kids in line with social services.
Unfortunately, you likely have violated your tenancy agreement. Nearly all of them forbid a tenant from redecorating without express written permission from the landlord. If anything, the above judgment reflects that you have potentially compromised your family’s living arrangement.
Please talk with a Citizens Advice Bureau if you and the landlord are unable to resolve this dispute.
I do hope that all of you are able to come to an understanding, especially as what you did was in no way malicious and you didn’t neglect the property.” TheBrassDancer
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your lease would state that you can’t make modifications to the property without the landlord’s permission.
If you had approached them and explained about the children’s additional needs, you may have gotten that permission but now you’ve broken the lease and damaged your relationship with your landlord.
Are you eligible for social housing through the local council or a Housing Association? Your children’s needs may make your application a priority and that way you can find accommodation that’s more suitable for them. Your children’s social worker can assist you in applying if you haven’t already.” stbrigidiscross
13. AITJ For Not Being Ready To Announce My Pregnancy?
“In February of 2021, I found out I was pregnant again. A little backstory, in December of 2020 I had a miscarriage. Now that you know that I can continue with the story. So I can’t drive (I have epilepsy) and my husband is constantly working to pay the bills.
Therefore my mother had to take me to all my appointments. When I found out I was pregnant I asked her to wait a week for me to process the news. Well, my husband told his family, with my permission of course, and when it came to telling mine, I wasn’t ready.
So I told my mom to wait a little longer. She argued profusely and called me a crappy daughter and that I was replacing my family with my husband’s.
I explained to her that I didn’t want my family to know yet because I don’t want to go through with having to tell so many people that I lost yet another pregnancy.
I was terrified it would happen again. It was severely traumatic for me. It was almost like it went in one ear and out the other. She screamed at me about how I should just be grateful she was able to keep the secret for one week and that I was extremely selfish.
When I stood up for myself and said it was my baby, she screamed how it was HER grandbaby as if she was entitled to my child. I ended up telling my siblings while I was having a panic attack. They agreed with her.
It’s been so long since then and I have a beautiful baby girl but I can’t get this out of my head. So, am I the jerk?
A little extra info: my husband’s family was constantly pressuring him to go into the military since I was no longer pregnant.
That’s why I gave him permission to. If that wasn’t happening, I probably wouldn’t have. My family has always been a very controlling and opinionated family. I was terrified of them knowing.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your mom sure was and so were your siblings.
What difference does it make to them whether they know in the first month or two, or the second or third trimester? It makes no difference, there’s absolutely nothing that would change for them and they aren’t the ones cooking up a new human being.
I’m sorry for your loss and congratulations on your baby girl!
Also, pretty rich for your mom to accuse you of being selfish when her actions were completely driven by her own selfishness. Yeesh.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Congratulations on your daughter. Sorry your mother is a jerk.
I got pregnant at 18 and confided in my mother, she didn’t tell anyone until I was ready even though my ex told everyone that he knew. Your mother sounds unbearable, it was your choice when you told your family especially when you were concerned about miscarrying again.
I fully understand why you would want to wait.” LoopyLyns
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Back at the end of November and beginning of December of last year, I found out I was pregnant. Got super happy and excited and started telling a bunch of people and then just a couple weeks after I miscarried.
But early this year at the beginning of February I found out I was pregnant again. I told my husband first and then my mom.
I did give my mom permission to tell a few people and I’ve told a few people as well.
But mostly I’ve been keeping it under wraps.
I saw the heartbeat and the nurse said that when you can see or hear the heartbeat the risk of miscarriage drops dramatically. But I was still worried. So now I’m 13 almost 14 weeks along with another appointment soon.
I told my mom I wanted to wait until after my appointment to see what was said. And she’s been completely understanding about why I don’t want everyone and their mother to know. It’s a horrible feeling when you just lost your baby and everyone asks how the baby is and you have to tell them you lost it.
NTJ a million times over!!!
It’s your and your partner’s choice who you tell, why you tell them, and when you tell them.
Don’t tell anyone before you’re ready and I know it’s hard, but please don’t stress yourself out over this.” LexiieLuii
12. AITJ For Causing A Scene At My Brother-In-Law's Office Meeting?
“So my elder sister A’s husband B works in my father’s company. And my sister had the option to choose to be a part of the company and learn till she gets to be the boss or to have a job in a different company but with the same market to learn things the hard way (she said this).
Today, my father asked me to join him in the office as it was our father-daughter day and we would go out after he finished his meeting.
Said meeting was with sister’s company and she was there while from our company BIL was giving the presentation.
Now, I don’t know what exactly happened but what I recall is that my sister asked some points and pointed out the wrong statistics presented to the company to which BIL started screaming at her saying that she should know her place and not talk in front of him.
This took everyone by surprise (my father’s face was red like Angry Bird red). But no one said anything, so I told him that he is not capable of doing his job and had the audacity to yell at someone from another company.
He countered saying both of us (me and sister) had no right speaking here. So I told him he is a nobody living on his FIL’s money and pity, unlike my sister who worked her butt to be in that position and soon will be the boss both in the office and at home as he is a jobless jerk from this point.
(Board decided to fire him for his behavior in a professional setting to a peer and staff. That’s a company policy that I knew so I said he was jobless.)
Now, why I think I am the jerk is because
- my mom told me it was harsh to insult someone when there were other peers present let alone my own BIL
- he and my sister had a huge fight over this and now she is locked in the room crying and refusing to eat.
So AITJ?
- Update: so I apologized to my father. He said I did not cause much harm and the meeting could be rescheduled (thanks to his prior reputation working with this company). As for my sister I got her ice cream and so much junk food to apologize to her.
She cried a lot but is really pleased that I took a stand for her. She also said most of the points everyone here said were that it was a professional setting and this could cause more harm than good. We hugged it out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! The audacity to scream at her that she is there as a professional not as his wife (it’s not right to humiliate her no matter the circumstances or the situation).
You can clearly see how fragile his masculinity is just because his wife has a better position than him. He can’t believe and accept that a woman is better positioned than him and worse, his own wife is better than him.
He will always feel like your sister took his man card when she decided to work her butt off to soon be his boss. Unless he goes to therapy and works his life out, this ain’t going anywhere and it’s better for your sister to be alone rather than to be with a misogynist.
You’re not the jerk, you did the right thing to stand up not only for being your sister but for being a woman that was disrespected by a jerk at the workplace. It’s already hard enough for a woman to step up and be brilliant in a ‘man’s world’ job and more if her husband doesn’t value and respect her.
You can tell that this man has 0 RESPECT for your sister.
Good job OP! You acted beautifully.” Soggy_Department7051
Another User Comments:
“YTJ in that it wasn’t your place to address this. You don’t work for either company and you should have left it to your father, whose company it is, or the other company who is the client.
Not to say that BIL’s actions are acceptable. If he shouted at any other client, one who didn’t happen to be his wife, he would have been out the door looking for a new job. Why your father hasn’t fired him, I don’t know.
Probably only to help out your sister by keeping her jerk husband employed. No company can afford to lose a client because one of their own acted so unprofessionally.
Perhaps an apology to your father and your sister for talking out of turn would be appropriate.
Hopefully, your sister will rethink her marriage.” snarffle
Another User Comments:
“This is interesting. And a good reason not to mix family and business.
Your place, as someone who doesn’t work there, was to remain silent. But… Your place as a person who sees inappropriate behavior is to call it out.
But, by doing so, you took away the agency of your sister and father, who may have wanted to deal with this in a more private way. For that reason, YTJ – for forcing your father and sister’s hand.
Obviously, your BIL is a giant jerk.
Your father could have called out his behavior and didn’t. That could be because he tolerates it, in which case he’s the jerk. But he may have intended to deal with it in an appropriate but private way, which may have been better for the company, or your sister.
So I’m hesitant to call him a jerk.
Your sister is blameless. I mean, aside from her choice of spouse. Bet she’s regretting that now.
But for taking away her agency and your father’s, and stepping out of your place as an observer, you’re kind of the jerk. But not a big one.” BigBayesian
11. AITJ For Blaming The Interviewer For Their Lack Of Punctuality?
“I (F18) had an online interview scheduled with my future work boss the other day. I was really looking forward to getting this job. I followed through with every request I was given and my boss’s co-workers hinted that I’d most likely be getting the position I wanted.
Things were looking up. Well, I had one last interview to do before I’d figure out if I got it or not. For some reason, I wasn’t looking forward to doing this one. I think I was nervous because I’d be finding out if I got the job, but I was mainly dreading it since my boss sucks at doing anything on time.
Seriously.
I used to like her but I started to see that she sucks at staying committed to the plans she makes. I was told she’d make it to the interview I had at around 5:00 pm. She even sent me an early Zoom link which she’s never done before.
So while I was still a bit nervous, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and believe she’d show up to the call on time. So around this hour rolled around I logged onto the link and waited for her to start the interview.
It didn’t begin at 5:00. I thought maybe she was just running a little late.
So I waited for a few mins. And a few mins turned into ten mins. And so on. I started to get the hint she was not coming at all.
So I emailed her and asked why she wasn’t showing up. She didn’t respond. So I kept texting and calling, but nothing! Eventually, my mom told me to just log off the call since my future boss was incapable of showing me decent respect.
So I did. Well little did I know my boss happened to get on the call like an hour after I left it.
And she claimed that since I didn’t honor our commitment I wouldn’t be getting the job. My mom went ballistic on the place I could’ve been working for, but they refused to see MY side of things.
I get this isn’t that big of a deal, but I felt really hurt. I put a lot of time and effort into getting this position. So I think I became the jerk when I emailed that woman one last time and told her that it’s shameful of her to pin this whole dilemma on me simply because her own punctuality sucks so much.
I didn’t curse or anything but my tone wasn’t exactly pleasant. Now I can’t go to that work anymore because usually the people that are there give me dirty looks or whatever. And my boss still gossips about me apparently. (She’s not that much older than me, but old enough to know better than to do this.) I still feel bad tho.
Maybe if I didn’t go off on her this wouldn’t have become so petty. AITJ for not following through with my commitment to my boss?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This was a control thing. They wanted to see if you’d spend an hour of your time waiting on them to show up; a respect that I promise they’d have been less than impressed by if you’d say, shown up for work an hour late.
They’re looking for someone they can easily bully basically. (It’s the benefit that keeps on giving. Can screw ya outta overtime, off time, raises, etc if you’re easily cowed!) Your mom had the right of it; log off. There are other jobs, don’t fret over one that decided to kick things off with a Jigsaw test.” Dizavid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – the boss’s behavior is beyond rude.
If she knew she’d be running late then she should have messaged/rung you and VERY apologetically asked to postpone it. It seems she has zero professionalism, particularly when she proceeds to blame you. She could not reasonably expect anyone to wait on a zoom call for an hour before turning up.
Part of me feels she was deliberately late, and deliberately ignoring your calls so you wouldn’t be there when she showed up, giving her an excuse not to hire you.
If she’d mistakenly forgotten the time of the meeting history will show her and that should have made her apologize.
I hope this won’t dishearten you. I think it’s a blessing in disguise. Good luck with the next position you try!” Lionsloyal
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your boss sounds like she’s not qualified for her job. She also sounds highly unprofessional. I don’t think you would have a good experience working for her in the long term.
5 pm was the agreed-upon start time for the interview. You showed up on time. Your boss was an hour late. You did precisely what was expected of you to demonstrate your commitment to the job. Your boss demonstrated that she’s incapable of adhering to basic standards.” zszal
"I am so sorry you had an emergency that prevented you from attending our scheduled meeting. Since there was no response to my numerous emails or phone calls, I had to assume that something drastic must have prevented you from attending as you are too professional to simply ignore a meeting or arrive an hour late without rescheduling. I do trust you are doing well and your unexpected emergency has been rectified. Fortunately for me, my next interview with another organization began promptly at 6:00 pm and I am looking forward to starting there next week."
10. AITJ For Being Mad At My Dad For Cleaning My Room?
“My (17F) dad (54M), decided to clean my room, by his ‘will’. I didn’t ask him to do it, nor expected anyone from my family to clean my room, as it is my room and I am cleaning my own mess.
Now, I decided yesterday to clean my room today (Saturday) as it’s the weekend and then I can do my college assignments, well, my mom requested me to go to the market, to buy products for Easter. So I had to postpone cleaning my room till I come back.
Well now, when I come back, I saw that my curtains were open in my room (I always keep them closed when it is sunny, as I don’t like much sun or hot weather. At that moment I knew that it was either my mom or dad who entered my room and cleaned it.
Now a little fact about me, I hate changes in my room to a whole new level. It irritates me when someone goes into my room and changes something or cleans it. It makes me mad, irritated, and on the verge of crying.
Now, this may seem a little too much of a reaction when someone moves something in your room or cleans, but my room is the only safe place that I can have, and I want it to be always the same, familiar and in the same ‘structure’.
I come home to my dad cleaning my room, and I got mad, knowing that now my safe place is different and it will irritate me.
I started asking my dad why he cleaned my room when I didn’t ask him to do it, and that I would have cleaned it today anyway.
He started screaming back that it was a mess and that I am ungrateful. He even made a hole in my desk while cleaning, and when I told him about it, he was denying it till I showed him a hole in my desk, really close to my laptop, because he apparently dropped something and didn’t see the hole.
Now, I am feeling that my safe place was violated by someone without any request to clean it (when I would have done it myself) and also making a hole in my desk, which you can clearly see.
AITJ in this situation?
Edit: No I didn’t swear at my dad, and the room wasn’t a big mess, it had only to be vacuumed a little bit, and the clothes on the bed that I was wearing before going to market because I had to get changed.
This is the only time my dad cleaned my room because on a daily basis he is the one that makes the biggest mess in the house and expects the women of the house (me who goes to college in the morning and comes home around 7 PM and my mom who works nightshifts) to clean it.
He cleaned today because my mom told him multiple times to do so, so he would stop drinking packages of beer.
Some of y’all think I have been asked by my parents to clean my room for days/weeks/months. No, they didn’t ask me at all, I decided because I wasn’t feeling well that my room was a little messy.
My mom barely enters my room because of the way she works and she knows that I clean my room when I get free time.
No, I am not in the best relationship with my dad, he is the ‘it either goes my way or it doesn’t go anywhere’ and ‘I am always right even if I am not’.
I don’t have the best relationship with him due to the unnecessary comments he says about me, even though multiple times my mom and I have told him to stop because it hurts me a lot (‘So in the end you are not the biggest idiot’, ‘Huh, you are not that dumb as I thought.’)”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ,
You are a CHILD living under your parents’ roof in either the house that they own or the house that they have a duty to take reasonable care of (keep clean) as tenants.
Either you keep your room clean, or they will clean it for you.
Your dad was trying to help you and you swore at him. He’s right, you’re being ungrateful (tho, to be honest, he’s a jerk too for screaming at you, no CHILD should be yelled at).” Sushameme
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I don’t like when people invade someone’s privacy to ‘do a favor’ that was never asked for. It doesn’t count as a good deed if you get mad at the person you did the favor for. I have a feeling that most of the people in the comments who are telling OP to grow up and clean her own room have either never needed a safe space, or just feel like young adults aren’t allowed to have boundaries.
Stop telling op that she needs to be evaluated and grow up for not liking someone going through her stuff.
Just because you live in your parent’s house, doesn’t mean they get to go through your stuff. Op is helping in the household and went out to run errands for her mom.
Her dad damaged her desk and is mad at her for not wanting his unsolicited ‘help’. Don’t call people ungrateful for not wanting an invasion of privacy. Op, I’m sorry your environment is like this. I would suggest moving out whenever feasible because I doubt having a lock on the outside of your door would be well received.
There’s not an easy solution while living there besides trying to tidy throughout the week whenever you have 5-10 minutes so your parents can’t hold any mess over your head. Take care.” speedofdirt
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – your Dad cleaned your room for you, and you shout at him? Look, I can understand partly where you’re coming from – my Mum used to do this when I was younger (which annoyed me a lot), then happily be like ‘I cleaned your room!’ and expect me to be grateful even though it just meant she stuffed everything away so I couldn’t find my things anymore, or threw things away anything she considered to be ‘rubbish’.
But at the end of the day, it’s your Dad, and he was trying to be helpful. ‘Oh, Op’s room is messy, let’s tidy it up for her’. Like, the guy took time to do that for you. It’s like receiving a gift you didn’t want and complaining to the person who got it for you, rather than appreciating the thought.
If this is a big deal to you, you need to explicitly tell your parents ‘don’t clean my room, I’ll do it’. I remember my Mum asking why when I said that, and I joked about how I prefer the ‘organized chaos’ since I know where everything is.
When she cleans my room, it all gets mixed up or lost. And she stopped doing it after that.
Can’t imagine shouting at her about it though…” onyx274
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, some people are saying that it’s your parents’ house so they basically can do whatever they want to. But your parents should respect your own space, and you said that they didn’t even demand you to clean your room, you did it because you want to. Your dad should respect your space, your room.” Cup_mug
9. WIBTJ If I Report My Boss For Discrimination?
“I, 22f, have been working at my job since October of 2021. I work as a part-time educator at a local daycare, mainly doing coverages in the afternoon for ratio purposes, and have started working fuller shifts as we have been short-staffed.
I was also recently diagnosed with ADHD, and have been put on meds. I was instructed by my doctor to tell my boss about my diagnosis and that I was starting meds as I have to adjust to the dosage he wants me at, and my dosage changes will only last about a month.
My bosses seemed empathetic and understanding when I told them about it, but I’ve been scheduled less and less. I’ve also had shifts given to me, and then taken, and have been more criticized since. And, if my shifts aren’t taken, I have been required to stay longer than my meds will last, and end up having to spend the last few hours of my shifts feeling so hungry that I am nauseous and extremely tired.
I should mention that other than the side effects after it’s worn off, my personality and the way I work with the kids hasn’t changed, other than I have more energy.
Yesterday, I was called into the office and told that because the parents were allowed to come into the center again, I wouldn’t be needed for my regular shift, and would just be supply staff.
While I understand not needing a runner, one of the staff leaves at 3, and we still have around 16 kids (the ratio for preschool is 1 to 8), so it doesn’t make sense why they’re taking my position away.
I was talking to my mom about it and she asked me if I had told them about my diagnosis, and I said yes.
That was when I connected the dots about possibly being discriminated against based on my diagnosis and medication. I kind of shrugged it off, but I found out today that they hired a new girl to replace my position and she starts on Monday, and I am very angry.
So, would I be the jerk for reporting my boss for discrimination because of my diagnosis?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sounds like if they are replacing you for no apparent reason then you should get legal advice. Workplaces should be supporting and accommodating their employees (within reason, of course).
It doesn’t sound like your performance has changed, so the correlation to your working pattern and the reveal of your diagnosis seems suspicious.” Lionsloyal
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your doctor should have known better. There was no need for you to share that information with your workplace.
I have found that the fewer people who know about my medical problems the better I am treated in any workplace. Your boss isn’t an anomaly, it happens all the time. In the future, I suggest you keep your medical information to yourself unless there’s a strong reason you need to share it. Definitely report this. Also, trying to get someone to quit their employment by drastically reducing their hours is illegal.” snarffle
8. AITJ For Forcing Someone To Work On A Group Project?
“Two weeks ago, my class assigned a group project. I decided to group up with my friends. For purpose of anonymity, one friend will be called C while the other is called B. We divided the work among each other and the week went on.
I had researched, C had designed the PowerPoint, and B had paraphrased my research into paragraphs. Sadly, C got sick that weekend and was out for the rest of this week. I also had caught a cold, though not as serious, I wasn’t well enough to go to school.
C and I both finished our parts of the project, but this meant B was alone at school all week.
Side note, B is diagnosed with depression. It’s probably important.
I was well enough to come to school on Thursday, the day before the project was due.
I asked if he did his work and he said yes. But our issue was the fact that C wasn’t here to help present for tomorrow, B was sort of breaking down about it. I kept insisting to him that things will be fine, but he kept being a Debby downer about it.
I called him a drama queen. Then, in the middle of the library he screams out ‘MY UNCLE PASSED AWAY’.
I’ll be honest here, I don’t remember which family member died. The shock and embarrassment of the moment made me forget the detail.
Turns out, he wasn’t going to be here tomorrow to help present. He was going out of state. Later, C makes a group chat with B and me saying ‘Guys, the project hasn’t been worked on for 6 days. What have you two been doing since I got sick?’ I decided to check and it turns out it was BLANK.
I told C that I had been sick too so we both turn to B. His excuse was that he was waiting for me to share the research paper with him, but there is the fact that I shared it with both of them on day 1! I even made sure they could both see it.
So, I decided to take it upon myself to do some work while B had the other half. C had 3 essays to write to make up work so I didn’t want to bother him. I did my work and let B know.
He then says ‘Can you please stop?’ He said he would be in the car for the next 15 hours to get it done. But the issue is it was due the next morning. I decided to ask what he was doing the entire week and he said he thought his part was done.
I claimed ‘Our ‘parts’ were compromised when (C) got sick’. He then says ‘Then what have YOU been doing? Surely you could have gotten something done besides sitting at home and playing video games all week.’ I told him I was sick.
He said I shouldn’t have wasted the class time on my phone, but that was BEFORE I knew he didn’t do his part. I decided to say ‘you know what, it’s my fault. I should have clarified if you did everything’.
I reminded him that the project was due tomorrow and he snapped in full caps ‘SO YOU’VE SAID’, ‘There is literally nothing I can do.’ So, turns out C got it done and submitted the project online. Not another word was said but B left the group chat.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it seems to me that B was the only one who didn’t do their part in the project, correct me if I’m wrong. If so, then that should be entirely on them. They knew their part from day one, it was their responsibility to get it done. You had your own part and from what I understood, you had it done, as well as C.” GhostlyJax
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ew, B sounds like a mooch. Come on, paraphrasing and presenting isn’t that hard.” orochithecat
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Help My Parents Fix Their House?
“My father is a terrible person that I (25m) don’t enjoy being around. Most people seem to agree so my parents do not have any friends, except ones that live in their hometown that they talk to a couple of times per decade.
As essentially the only child they have I have been asked to help fix their house, watch their dog, etc anytime those things come up (which is every weekend).
I don’t live with them and haven’t since I was 17. I just don’t want to be bothered with it constantly and it’s not like I ever ask them for help.
I just bought a condo and any work I need to be done I either do myself or hire out.
A lot of my past issues with my father also come from times as a kid when he’d have me work on stuff with him.
Lots of homophobia (he doesn’t know I’m gay tho) and telling me I’d never be good enough to make it in the real world, etc…
Now I’ve told them to stop expecting me to do this stuff and it’s causing some annoying drama.
Part of me thinks that I should just help because my father is injured and can’t work like he used to, but they also have enough money to just pay for it if that’s the issue.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Children do not owe their parents anything by the sheer virtue of their being born.
It’s nice to help the family when you can, but you’re not obligated to, especially when your father acts the way he does and has. They can afford to pay for help so they have options. You’ve got your own responsibilities to tend to!” booklovinggal
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Homophobia is a huge issue here!! It’s definitely something you need to think about more and how it affects how you feel about them and what kind of relationships you want going forward. Definitely get to therapy! Going back and doing handy work when that’s where Dad said bad things about gay people to you, a gay person, is definitely not something that is helpful to you or your mental health!
As far as the neediness, sometimes the hardest thing to do with parents (and in-laws) is flip that authority role into something more equitable.
Your Dad is used to telling you what to do and expecting you to do it. So he’s going to be uncomfortable with a change in the status quo.
Making it clear that you’re not available every weekend is a good first step.
You’re a young man developing your own life, that’s great! You might tell them you can dogsit once in a while (or whatever you actually want to do) and then it’s time to establish a firm boundary.
As they’re capable of paying for help, it’s totally ok to suggest that.
The key is to expect some frustration and pushback.
‘I have plans this weekend. I need to do some things for myself and also want to be spending time with friends/traveling/whatever in the future. I can (dogsit/whatever) next week, but I won’t be available much for handy work.
If you have a lot of projects you might want to look for help.’
And then take a step back from the tantrums and stand firm. Easier than it sounds, I know.” potscfs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have your walls and boundaries up for reasons.
It’s okay to say no. I would be happy to bring the dog to my place, but you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Even if there weren’t all the negative things that happened, every weekend is a lot to house-sit. You would technically still be living there if you did that.” User
6. AITJ For Being Annoyed About A Dress?
“My partner and I are part of the cotillion for his cousin’s debut. For context, my partner is Filipino. For a woman’s 18th birthday, there is a big celebration, which sometimes includes a cotillion (other women and men in the debutant’s life).
A couple of months ago, my partner and I were told about the debut but never asked to be in the cotillion. Then, about a month later I received a text from my partner’s sister, asking me about my dress size because they wanted to buy us dresses for the party.
I was hesitant because I felt bad having it bought for me.
I offered to pay myself but was told she wants us to have the same dresses. What? Why would we need the same dresses? I asked my partner if we are a part of the debut.
(I’ve been to a few with him and remembered the matching dresses generally meant you were involved), to which he replied he had not been told anything. He is usually the last to be told things in his family. I asked his sister if we were involved, to which she didn’t respond (we were talking about other things too and I think the message was just skipped over).
Fast forward a couple of weeks. At dinner with my partner’s family, they give me my dress. I don’t know how else to describe it except to reference Schitt’s Creek. In the scene where David blurts out that the clothes at the blouse barn are unpleasant as he and Roland are checking out.
Not only that, but it absolutely does not fit me. It is supposed to be a one size fits all, but is labeled XL and I’m a Small. It is a low-cut black silk bodycon dress. If I bend forward more than a couple of inches, my chest, stomach, etc.
are all hanging out.
To add a little spice to the mix, we’re supposed to perform a dance number at debut.
It just feels so ridiculous. Why ask me my size? Why not ask me if I was even okay being involved? Mind you, the date and venue for this party have already changed, and it almost feels like we are forced to go and be involved, fake smile through the night because they’re family.
However, I feel like I might be the jerk, because this night isn’t about me, and not being a full member of the family makes me feel like I’m bratty for complaining. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – She definitely should have actually asked you/informed you what was going on and clearly did a poor job at dress buying.
Being in these kinds of events comes with obligations, I get it’s hard to say no when you haven’t technically been asked, but it’s her event and it’s an ugly dress for one day.
I suggest since you didn’t have to buy a dress, use the money to have the dress tailored.” LightningLilac
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If they wanted you to be a part of it , they should’ve at least had a conversation with you about it and clearly stated the part you would be playing.” likeamadwoman
5. AITJ For Wanting To Pack Clothes I'm Comfortable Wearing?
“I, an 18-year-old trans male, live with my parents. I am going away on a trip that my school provides for all the graduating classes. I am very insecure about my body. As I was trying to pack in advance and brought up the subject my dad said ‘I shouldn’t be packing because the last time I did I forgot PJs.’ When I forgot my PJs I was 10 and going on a cruise while my mom was away in another country.
Today when I was trying to pack my mom came in with a bunch of her old and new clothes. She asked me to try them on in front of her which I am not comfortable doing and asked her to leave.
She didn’t so I went to the bathroom and decided what to bring and what to not. After I had tried them she started asking to see them to which I did. Then she brings out her old dress pants and asks me to try them on.
I put them on and hated the way they looked on me. I told her this and she kept on pushing, saying I looked great and to look in the mirror. I told her no and tried to take them off only for my dad to barge in and say I shouldn’t be saying no, and just be doing what my mother said.
He then said it’s like walking on eggshells with me. He said I’m constantly giving attitude for everything.
The thing is, I don’t think I am. I told my mom politely I didn’t like the way they looked, and in the past when I wasn’t hungry and said I didn’t want to eat (partly because I don’t like eating in front of others) my dad continued to budge for me to eat.
I finally snapped and said ‘I am not hungry, please understand this. I had a long day and need some space.’ He started to yell at me about how I should be grateful for how my parents are doing everything, putting a roof over my head, feeding me, and giving me clothes.
When I said that it was things a parent is supposed to do he said ‘oh really?’ And continued to say I was ungrateful for everything I was given and always needed more. I always tried to live my life pretty small, not asking for much because I didn’t need it.
I just wanted to pack clothes I knew would fit me correctly so – am I the jerk for trying to pack clothes I’m comfortable in?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Pack and wear what you feel comfortable in so that you can fully enjoy the trip.
On a somewhat related note, do you have a therapist you can talk to? I think a therapist would really help you deal with your feelings both about yourself and about the way your parents treat you/talk to you.
ETA: Just want to clarify that when I said feelings about yourself I didn’t mean about feelings about being trans.
I meant the feelings that are a part of transitioning and also the feelings around why you don’t like to eat in front of others. I am 100% in support of the LGBTQ+ community.” bethholler
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like your parents (especially your mom) are clinging onto your AGAB (Assigned Gender At Birth)…
asking you to try on her old, presumably feminine clothes. I notice this happens a lot with young trans folks and their parents (I myself am not trans, but am an androgynous/masculine leaning lesbian, and my mother would do this to me as well and make negative remarks on my masc appearance).
You are an adult now, and you have made excellent points to your parents about needing space, being able to pack your own bags, and just having general autonomy. You’re also at the age where parents fail to realize that you ARE an adult now, living under their roof and they struggle to change the dynamic.
You will need to have a conversation for sure about the clothes and your mom because that’s not okay. But there is an overlying issue that they aren’t giving you the space you need to be an adult.
I do not know what your plans are for after high school, but if college is in your future, moving into the dorms (if possible) may help you to create a better separation for your relationship with your parents.” versaillesna
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
And I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. Your parents sound impossible to please and transphobic to boot. Are you out to them and your mom is still trying to force you to wear feminine clothes?! Try to move out asap! They’re not respecting your gender and you deserve that.
You’re 18. An adult. You deserve space to be yourself. They shouldn’t be forcing you to eat or wear anything. It sounds like it would be best for your relationship with them (if you want to try to continue to have one) to move out.” pm-me-yr-pupper
4. AITJ For Refusing To Go To The Haircut Appointment?
“I am M17, and I am transgender. My mom is in her 50s and incredibly conservative. She has made her voice against people like me clear; she is openly transphobic and is proud of that fact. I have not come out to her for obvious reasons.
However, this creates some conflict: my high school prom is coming soon. She is extremely excited about my prom. She has been urging me to go dress-shopping with her, about my presentation and all of that.
The most recent issue has been with my hair.
I keep my hair incredibly short and my sibling cuts my hair because I am out to him and he is supportive. Before then, my mom’s friend would give me haircuts but they would always be over-feminized on purpose so I still ‘look like a girl.’ I hated them.
Well, it turns out she has been planning for my aunt to give me a haircut for prom for about two weeks now. She hinted at this appointment for the two weeks and it scared me as I didn’t want them laying a finger on my hair.
I have to admit I was a bit stubborn and had my sibling cut my hair a few days before the appointment.
My mom was upset and said I shouldn’t have gotten it cut because I had an appointment to get it done for prom.
She then begged me to go to the appointment anyway because they had been planning it for a while and my hair now looks ‘messy’. I held my ground and said no. It is now past the appointment and I never went.
My mom is furious and gives me the silent treatment.
My mom’s friend is mad too because she had all of her supplies set up but I never came. I’m wondering if I should have given earlier notice of not wanting to go (even if I wasn’t exactly sure if it was happening).
My mom said she was just going to ‘clean my hair up’ and not give me a whole new haircut but I didn’t trust it. I don’t know, I feel extreme guilt over it and it hurts seeing my mom treat the rest of my family well while giving me the silent treatment because I was being stubborn.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ — Nobody should ever have to be in any kind of closet for any reason but we sadly do not live in that kind of world.
Sometimes, my dear boy, the closet is the safest place to be. You will have to play games that are hard for you in order to be safe. Until the time comes when you can safely, securely, and permanently live without the physical and financial support of your mom, you’ll have to continue to pretend to be the person you are not.
In the meanwhile, I highly recommend contacting some organizations that can help you navigate the life that you’re living now until you can live openly and freely as the wonderful, amazing, genuine person you are. Things suck right now but you have a great future ahead of you.
There are people who can help you get there.
I don’t know where you live, but I’m assuming it’s the US because of prom, so I would recommend reaching out to The Trevor Project which is a great resource for LGBTQ youth and adults.” majombaszo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mom was definitely going to make you look like a girl.
My mom used to control my hair while I was growing up and I didn’t have a choice. She dragged me to the appointments and then gave me a choice between two different hairstyles (the same cut, styled in different ways), and I wasn’t given an option.
It was always super short when I wanted my hair long.
One time, one of my high school bullies came in while I was in the stylist’s seat crying and getting my hair cut and I just knew, because I always got bullied worse right after my haircut that this would be the icing on the cake for her.
Too bad it was a week before graduation, but she came up to me the next day and said ‘I’m sorry.’
Using hair as a means of maltreatment is very common for narcissists. Remember, it’s your head that’s going to prom, not hers.” onecrazywriter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
but I do think you should’ve made it completely clear you were not interested in getting your hair cut by anyone other than who you choose and would not be going to the appointment.
My advice is to maybe tell your mom you’d like to talk to her (like at Starbucks or someplace neutral) and don’t tell her anything you don’t want to.
However, let her know you appreciate her trying so hard to help but at 17 you need more independence as far as choosing outfits, and hairstyles. Also, you’d like to be asked first what you’d like to do or have done concerning yourself not have mom assume it for you. You’re an adult pretty much. Conservative or not mom needs to get that you’re older now and she should loosen up her reins. Good luck.” TisThee_Reason
3. AITJ For Expecting My Friends To Wake Up Earlier?
“I (17F) have two best friends Z (17GF) and Q (17F). We do everything together, literally everything. We all struggle with mental illnesses but I’ve got mine under a lot more control, I’ve been fortunate enough to have access to therapy.
My friends have a big tendency to let me down, but I’m never genuinely angry at them for it, I understand.
I’m an AP Student and today is the day of my stats exam. It starts at noon. I also co-run a lipgloss business with them, and there’s a garage sale going on in my neighborhood today.
It started at 8 and runs till 2. I was up until 3 a.m. last night with Q working on a mass-producing product so we could have plenty to sell. We worked while Z slept (she was up until 1 am).
I figured I would need to sleep as most as possible before my stats exam, so I asked Q and Z if they could wake up at around 8 and set everything up. They said they would and I went to sleep.
I wake up to my alarm at 10:30 and lo and behold, they’re laying in bed. I told them it was 10:30 and Q responded ‘oh really?’ But stayed laying down and didn’t even glance up. I asked them why they weren’t ‘doing lipglosses’ and they just mumbled gibberish and that was that.
This meant a lot to me because I’m struggling with finances so, so much and I would’ve appreciated the help so much but honestly, I’m not surprised, just really annoyed. This isn’t even the thousandth time they’ve let me down. I commissioned Z $25 bucks to draw me something because she was saying she wished someone would commission her.
It’s been 2ish months and still no commission. Z asked me to buy her an anime figure. I said I would if she promises to draw stickers for the business. It’s been over a week and still nothing, she hasn’t started them.
I’m getting a snake and Q has experience building enclosures while I have none. She said we would have it built within two weeks max and it’s been a month or so. We’re not even close.
I want to say something but I don’t want to cause cracks in our friendship, they’re all I have.
I know talking to them about it won’t change anything but I’m still mad at myself for not standing up for myself. I feel like a jerk because I’ve been in that place too but honestly if it impacted SOMEONE ELSE, I never would’ve let this happen.
I feel like I’m being too harsh with my thoughts but at the same time, I feel like I’m not being harsh enough. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – now is the time to draw the line in the sand. They have proven countless times they can’t be responsible adults, even with issues ONE of them could have set things up so it was ready to go.
I’d be asking for my money back and cancel the commission, we know that is never going to happen. Might need to do stickers yourself as that’s never happening. Go on youtube and research some snake enclosures (and sorry if money is tight adding more things that need care might not be the smartest move if it involves anything to do with your friends helping out).
TRUE friends will help others or they don’t make promises they can’t keep.” shadow-foxe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at this point, you’re well within your right to expect promises to be kept. However, there are two huge problems with this entire setup.
You’re in business with your friends, this is often not a great idea and can alter the dynamics of the friendships which appear to already be a bit strained.
You should only really do this if you’re comfortable that all parties can handle it.
However, based on your story it is clear to you that the other two are unreliable and that their mental health issues prevent them from contributing to the business the same way you do.
I’m not saying they should be able to get away with murder, but you’re not exactly setting them up for success by making them responsible for your financial situation when they have shown they’re not dependable.
I would consider if this lipgloss business is worth it the way it’s set up, or if you would be better off spending your time doing something else for income.” fox_maulder
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but at some point, you have to stop giving them chances.
As you stated they ALWAYS do this. So you have no expectation they will follow through with the plans you have. You need to evaluate the business side of the friendship because you are expecting something different when you have no reason to expect it to change.
If you keep being let down that is your own doing at this point because of the countless times this has happened.
I’m not saying don’t be friends just don’t be business partners and rely on them for things important to you.” DeepFudge9235
2. AITJ For Not Being Concerned About My Mother's Cancer?
“My relationship with my mother has never been very stable. She’s always love-bombed me as a kid when it suited her, completely ignored my existence if I wasn’t in line or how she wanted me to look, etc. She adores being the center of attention and is pretty narcissistic though will always deny it.
Simply put, she’s a typical terrible mom who’s seen me as an object for herself for years and completely destroyed my self-confidence as a kid and teen.
Recently with college being my main focus, I began talking to her less. It had gotten to the point where I only called as a formality once every 5 or 6 days.
I know that to her that was unacceptable but I really couldn’t bother especially since I was being lectured every time on the phone despite being an adult.
Last week I forgot to call her but when I remembered she obviously sounded very angry, I just humored it and hung up as soon as I could as I knew these calls could take hours and I needed to study.
Around 4 days later I receive a call from my sister’s friend saying something along the lines of ‘I’m sorry to hear about your mom, hope you’re handling things okay’. I asked what she meant and she tells me my sister told her that my mom had renal cancer.
I hang up and call my mom to ask if this was true and says it is. I asked why nobody told me and she says ‘I asked the family not to tell you because I wanted to see if you actually cared about your own mother.
Obviously, you don’t.’ I began to express how I felt finding this out from someone who wasn’t family AND finding out last out of everyone.
It landed on deaf ears and after a bit of bickering, I ended the call by saying ‘You know what? I don’t care.’ Messaged my sister about the details of her diagnosis and I didn’t think much of it at all after that especially after I justified it to myself with how she was to me as a kid and while I lived with her, however, since then I’ve been getting texts and calls saying I went too far and I should be ashamed and how disgusted everyone was by my behavior.
I usually wouldn’t give it a second thought until my partner, who was the only one who defended me said I could have been less rude.
Now some guilt is setting in, so, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Welcome to weaponized health issues. She wanted to see if you ‘cared’ by not telling you directly and telling your siblings to say nothing…
which means she absolutely knew it would get around to you either by extended family or in this case family friends.
What she expected was for you to come running, to throw yourself at her feet and beg forgiveness for being such a bad child, and to suddenly be oh so interested in her and forgive all wrongs blah blah nonsense.
As to you being rude? Not in my eyes. People who pull stunts like this get whatever they get because this behavior is cruel and manipulative.
Let those people be mad because your mother’s diagnosis changes nothing. She’s still an awful parent.
Sickness is not the great reset button people like to treat it as.
Stay aware of the situation as much as you want and as much as your siblings are willing to provide but otherwise go on about your life.
NTJ” PommeDeSang
Another User Comments:
“Your mom might have been a jerk to you as a kid.
However, don’t continue fighting with her (my personal opinion). You don’t want to live with regret for the rest of your life after your mother’s death (because cancer could be a deadly diagnosis for her). So I will go with YTJ.
You don’t need to love her, but you can try to at least be nice to someone with cancer.” smiling_bellybutton
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You could have avoided saying you didn’t care, I mean she may suck but she is your mom, and she is in the middle of what is probably very scary.
That being said – She knew what she was doing when she told no one to tell you, she knew that it would mean you only found out either from someone else or much later. And she almost certainly did it because she felt like she could punish you for not talking to her as often by making you feel like if you had reached out more you would have known.
Genuinely the fact that it was your sister’s friend and you also felt comfortable reaching out to your sister for info means that probably to a lesser degree, your sister knows it’s messed up. Unless you and said friend of your sister are regularly in contact, I wouldn’t be surprised if your sister kind of nudged her friend being like ‘hey I can’t break my mom’s trust but you were never asked to do that’.
Even if you are in contact regularly, that would still mean your sister knew her friend would probably end up telling you and explicitly did not tell her not to tell you.
So uh. You could have used better words. Your mom will probably get over it if you send her a bouquet or something with an I’m sorry in it.
Might make your life easier. And stay in touch with your sister.” PunkTyrantosaurus
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You for your comment, and your mother for being so manipulative.
By the way, for a person in college, calling home once a week is very reasonable; a parent who is supportive of their child becoming independent would not hound or criticize them for ‘only’ calling once a week.
Your mom has clearly made you feel that you’re in debt to her and owe her frequent calls so she can berate you.
I’m sorry that your mom is ill. Unfortunately, it sounds like she will wield her illness like a cudgel, to be more demanding of attention and obedience without thought for the needs of those around her.
I don’t believe that you actually don’t care whether she lives or dies; I know your relationship with her is problematic, but you should make an effort not to say extremely hurtful things in anger because they can’t be taken back.” User
1. AITJ For Complaining About My Roommate's Snoring?
“We just started a new semester and so I got a different roommate in a 4-man apartment with 2 bedrooms. Night 1: I woke up to the loudest snoring I’ve ever heard and couldn’t fall back asleep so I took my blankets and slept on the couch.
Not too bad of a couch. Night 2: the same thing, but when I woke up I got his attention and told him he’s got to quit snoring. He said he’ll try. Somehow was quiet enough that I had a perfect sleep with him.
Nights 3-6: now he’s said goodnight and gone to the living room and slept on the couch instead of the bedroom. Snoring pretty bad out there but with the door closed it doesn’t bother me at all.
I feel bad enough to wonder and post on here, but I don’t really see any other alternatives than helping him drag his bed out there, I’m not the one snoring like a truck.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You do realize people can’t control snoring unless it’s specific to it being weight induced. Otherwise, they are suffering from some type of sleep apnea. Yet I understand your frustrations.
In short term, get earplugs or noise-canceling headphones. In long term, encourage your roommate to see a doctor for sleep apnea.
There are things like CPAP (Continuous positive airway pressure) or implantable devices to stop the snoring.” DeepFudge9235
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
People who snore and don’t try or acknowledge the issue and its impact are so selfish. They so often insist that they aren’t the problem but you deserve sleep.
If they were playing music and keeping you awake, they’d be the jerk. This is a solvable and annoying thing. They suck. You have every right to sleep well. If they don’t let you sleep they’re endangering your academic career. They are a huge jerk.
They are the problem.” wolferdoodle
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Some people just can’t help snoring and you deserve a good night’s sleep. My dad snores like a beast and when I need to, I have a whole pile of earplugs for blocking out the sound.
You can get them at pretty much any store in bulk. Though it takes some getting used to, after a little bit they’re pretty easy to sleep in.
You can also talk to your roomie about looking into those anti-snoring nose strips if he hasn’t already.” PunkTyrantosaurus
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