People Want To Hear What We're Saying About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Letting Our Kids Wear What They Want And "Ruin Easter"?
“My wife, Lillian (48), and I (37) have 5 daughters (17, 13, 6, twins 3). Lillian and her family take clothes very seriously. They always coordinate their outfits when doing family get-togethers and think it’s important to bond as a family and photos and stuff. I personally think it’s a bit silly, but I usually go along with whatever Lillian decides.
Our eldest is just like Lillian when it comes to clothes, and the younger 3 don’t really care.
However, our 13-year-old (Charlotte) has started to get really self-conscious about clothes and fashion, and her style is definitely different from her mother’s. This has caused some issues between them, but I’ve mostly convinced Lillian to allow her to dress as she wants.
For Easter, Lillian wanted us all to dress up in Easter-themed clothes. The rest of her family did and it is important to her.
However, Charlotte just refused. She didn’t want to wear the Easter clothes because she felt it was too childish and ugly basically. They argued about it and it was both petty and going nowhere, so I intervened and basically allowed Charlotte to wear what she wants, as long as it was appropriate. We spent the day with my wife’s family and it was really good, the girls had a lot of fun with their cousins and probably too much chocolate.
Though my mother- and sister-in-law did criticize Charlotte’s clothes, though only to my wife and me, not to Charlotte.
After we got home, Lillian was pretty angry I went against her. She said we were meant to be a united front, and that I had no right to interfere with her decision. She says Charlotte is part of the family and has to act like it. Her family did judge us for it, but honestly, it’s just some clothes.
I don’t see why it’s such a big deal, if Charlotte hates it, she shouldn’t have to wear it I think. But Lillian is still annoyed at me for ‘ruining’ her family Easter. My best friend thinks they’re being ridiculous, but says I should have backed my wife up anyways.
I feel like I’m going crazy with how seriously everyone is taking all this. Am I really wrong to just let Charlotte choose for herself? Or should I have just let my wife decide?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If it were up to your wife, Charlotte would have no say in what she wears. That’s a sure way to drive a wedge between them. IF she wants to have a strained relationship with her daughter (or worse) she should keep trying to control her children to this extent.
At her age, I was exiting my goth phase since most of my family was into frilly, flowery, and pink clothes—my family didn’t get it, occasionally commented on the ‘moodiness of it all’, but never told me to stop dressing like that.
They only occasionally asked me to tone it down for certain occasions, which I accepted (sometimes begrudgingly, I was entering puberty after all).
At that age, we often want to be different. At that age, you’re trying to find your own taste, your boundaries, your dislikes. Giving a child of 13 no room to figure out who they are will only push them further away. Keeping communication open and allowing children some agency goes a long way in keeping them from absolutely rebelling against everything.” Throwaway-2587
Another User Comments:
“Having children requires the ability to ‘go with the flow’ and allow each child to have their own, individual, personalities.
This may mean family photos with everyone but one person looking similar.
On a different note, I had a family member who would often claim that something was ‘ruined’ just because they didn’t get their way on something. They would even claim this AFTER the event happened – that is, the weekend/event went great, everyone is happy, we get home and people are tired and grumpy and won’t do what they ask, so now the whole weekend/event has been ‘ruined’.
Others may disagree, but I find the ‘ruined’ complaint to be a form of emotional and control (if I can’t get what I want then I’ll make it difficult for you).
NTJ. Your wife is being overly controlling and manipulative to the point of abuse. Charlotte is old enough to make her own clothing decisions.
Understand, though, that this goes deeper than clothes. Your wife is almost making this a hill she’s going to die on and believes that there are situations in your marriage where she alone gets to make a decision.
You may want to think about where your family spends next Easter.
And if your wife continues to act this way, expect an estrangement between her and Charlotte.” pcnauta
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think it’s unhealthy to make these kinds of issues the time to wield control over children. Appropriate outfits they choose for themselves are not a threat to the family to be stomped out. Kids will remember that teens are trying to be comfortable in their own bodies at an awkward time and already feel uncomfortable trying to find a balance between fitting in and feeling validated that they’re acceptable as a person.
Your wife is treating Charlotte like she is unacceptable for being uncomfortable in matching or themed clothes. Not every child wants to be a mini-me of a parent and it’s a strange hill for your wife and her family to die on.
Personally, I am turned off and concerned by people having such stringent views on silly things because of ‘tradition’ and ‘that’s how our family is’.’While that might be fine if it’s a positive thing for everyone it’s painful for the ones that are treated as other and unacceptable for daring to feel like they don’t fit in or have the same views as the group.
This is clothing for a family dinner. It should not be so serious.” BellaBlue06
21. AITJ For Not Paying For My Event Ticket When I Got Sick?
“I live overseas (away from my home town). When I’m there I try to make the effort to meet up one on one with friends to reconnect. I have a good friend – we are both very supportive of each other. She’s chosen not to be on social media so I’m the one with the finger on the pulse, and therefore am always the one to come up with ideas of things to do like nice restaurants, music, and yoga events.
I suggested we go to an event. She said she was too busy to book tix – she works half a day and has 2 kids, also her parents aren’t well. I booked – this wasn’t a straightforward process as I don’t have a local credit card and eventually had to take a trip to the bank to pay. I also researched restaurants and booked dinner for after the event.
Unfortunately, I got sick the day before the event and let her know that I couldn’t go.
I corresponded with the event organizer and requested postponing the tickets – they kindly agreed to move the tix to the next event so that my friend could attend with someone else (I would have left the city already). I’ve been managing the correspondence – re transferring the tix into her name, checking they know she’s attending – as my friend isn’t on social media (I’ve let her know the next dates and venue with screen grabs).
There’s been a delay in the organizer getting back to me so now my friend isn’t able to attend at such late notice. I’ve asked if she’s happy to cover the cost of HER ticket – she said that the intention was for us to go together and that she doesn’t think she has the capacity to go… I read this as she feels that I should cover the cost.
AITJ for feeling that she should pay her share?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I feel like there’s always a risk when you buy a ticket, especially nowadays.
When you buy tickets you’re agreeing to certain terms and conditions. They cover things like refund etc. so even though you’ve bought the ticket for her. She’s still technically agreed to them.
You’ve had to cancel because you’re sick: any help with that. The rules apply to both of you.
So is she gonna blame you for getting sick and demand you to pay?” Dear_Pay7221
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but honestly this doesn’t sound like a good friend, to begin with. This seems to be a very one-sided relationship where you are expected to do everything. Personally, I’d pull back and see if she actually makes any sort of effort to reach out to you to make plans or anything.” GabyGoneWild
Another User Comments:
“NTJ that is NOT a good friend, a good friend would understand an emergency and help their friend, not make it about themselves.” Awkward_Resolve9979
20. AITJ For Telling My Entitled Cousin That She's Not That Special?
“Me (27F) and my cousins Sharon (25F) and Beth (24F) agreed to have a girls’ night at my place. Beth said she can make it on Tuesday or Wednesday, she would inform me on Monday. For context, Monday was Beth’s bday. So I thought she would celebrate on Monday with her friends and I prepare dinner and buy a cake on Tuesday.
Monday came and no update.
I didn’t call her to ask her or celebrate her bday on Monday. To be honest, I forgot. Then I thought, we will celebrate at my house so no big deal (this may be a jerk move). I called her on Tuesday morning and she said she still doesn’t know and still didn’t let me know until the afternoon. I was annoyed but sure.
The afternoon came, but no updates.
I ask her again if she is coming and she said she will meet with a friend and depending on her friends, she can come on Tuesday evening or Wednesday. I was furious, but I tried to calm down and said it is very disrespectful to leave me hanging that way. She said it was her bday week and people want to hang out. Also, she works two jobs and has school at the same time and she cannot be everywhere.
I said it is okay to reject me if it is not applicable to her schedule and I get that she is busy but I am busy too and she had no right to leave me hanging. She said my apartment is far away from her dorm and she only accepted to come because we want her to come. She added that she would be crazy to want to come over if we didn’t ‘force’ her and wouldn’t do the same for her.
My cousins, esp. Beth only contacts me when she needs a place to stay. So when she said those things, I went berserk. I said she treats me and my home as a free hotel, she is disrespectful to say something like that since I visit her by going further distances including going to another city. I said it’s funny she thinks that she ‘blesses’ us with her existence by visiting us in our ‘humble residence’ and she needs to get over herself since we all are tired of trying to balance our work and social life and she is not ‘that’ special.
She blames me that I call her selfish and she doesn’t wanna come over anymore since I rub it to her face. I said I am very angry and hurt, I was sorry if I offended her with my words or not celebrating her bday on time but I don’t wanna talk to her for a while.
I told this incident to my mom. She said I was right but I needed to let it go since she is young and had a hard time in life (her family has struggled with finances her whole life, that’s why she needs to work for her pocket money).
I know for a fact that she is struggling with anxiety and studying in a private university (with a full scholarship) with people who possibly never worry about finances. But I am so tired of people calling me only when they need something from me. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you didn’t call on her birthday because you were planning to celebrate and she was supposed to touch base with you on Monday.
The idea that she wants to be ‘forced’ to hang out with you also indicates she either doesn’t care about you the same way you do her or that her anxiety is crippling to a point where she sees herself as burdensome and won’t show up unless she’s 100% certain she’s wanted.
Either way, that unfairly puts the onus of the relationship upkeep on you. Your mom is right in that you shouldn’t hold on to the anger, but that doesn’t mean allowing her to walk all over you anymore.
If she doesn’t want to be involved in your life, that’s her choice and not a reflection on you. Just make sure you give what you give from the relationships.” passingthroughcbus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It does sound like you care about her a lot but she is not yet in a place where she can reciprocate. You already apologized for saying hurtful words, there is nothing more you can do.
I wouldn’t expect much from her, maybe with time, she’ll realize the importance of maintaining relationships.” Just-a-Pea
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re right, it would’ve been considerate to let you know she was too busy. It would’ve been fine if she had. It also doesn’t sound like anyone forced her, but hey if that’s how she views it, perhaps she should not say yes, or maybe in the future.
Leaving someone hanging as she did is just disrespectful. Her time isn’t more important than yours.
If the relationship is a one-way street too often, perhaps lay off for a bit. Let her figure out what she wants from your relationship.
As for your mom saying she’s young… you’re not that much older. It’s a selfishness that isn’t necessarily linked to age. She can grow out of it, but also could not. So you should decide how you want to deal with that. Let the friendship bleed out and just have fun family events but nothing else. OR let this rest for a bit and then have a conversation about how to move from here.” Throwaway-2587
19. AITJ For Not Including Our Busy Friend In Our Plans?
“I (F21) have a friend, we’ll call her Jane, who literally lives like two minutes away from me and we’ve been friends since we were kids.
Jane and I have a long-distance friend, we’ll call her Grace, and we haven’t seen Grace in like five, six years?? So Grace told us earlier this year that she’s planning to come down and visit (she has family here as well).
Skip to this week. Grace came down on Monday and informed me that Jane told her that she was working all week (Grace told us at least six weeks ago the exact dates she’s staying) so they wouldn’t get to see each other. Grace was understandably upset so I said that the two of us should go out to dinner and maybe go out for a few drinks and after a few minutes of figuring out when we were both free, we decided when and where.
I haven’t spoken to Jane in a few weeks bc of some personal reasons so I was shocked to get a message on Monday night from her asking if the three of us were doing anything this week. I told her about my and Grace’s plan but she answered that she was working and that she thought we’d be doing something as a three. I asked her yesterday morning when she’s free this week but she ignored me for approximately fourteen hours and I didn’t read the message last night bc I was sleeping.
When I opened it this morning, she said that today is the only day she’s free. I have plans today and so does Grace.
I’m very upset because Jane ’s making me feel like this is my fault when she made no effort whatsoever to message me or even Grace beforehand to sort something out. I don’t understand why it was my job to sort out a plan for the three of us when we have a group chat that Grace kept messaging the last couple of days where she’d say things like ‘two days girls’ or ‘tomorrow is the day we’re reunited’ and stuff like to which Jane said nothing to.
So, AITJ for not originally inviting Jane or offering to change the plan?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This isn’t about logistics. It’s about effort. Jane made no effort to make plans and when Grace asked her separately when she was free, Jane blew Grace off. Why did Jane even bother asking you when Grace already asked Jane and Jane told Grace she was busy? To me, that is very suspicious on her end.
Like she wanted you to see her making an effort when in reality she didn’t want to see Grace. Otherwise, why not just message the group chats asking about plans?” vball0111
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Jane isn’t a jerk for being busy and not texting you for 14 hours. You and Grace aren’t jerks for getting on with it and making plans. This is just unfortunate timing for you all.” happybanana134
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She presented herself as unavailable, you took her at her word. She had 6 weeks to schedule a day off and make time to see Grace, it’s disrespectful to your guys’ time to expect you to drop everything to see her.” JCBashBash
18. AITJ For Not Wanting My Son To Have A Violin?
“I have a four-year-old son. I’m divorced, we’ve been separated for about 3.5 years. Because of the financial strain the divorce put on me, I lived with my mom and stepdad for a while, and I still have visitation with my son every other weekend at their house because my housing situation isn’t conducive to hosting a child.
My kid is smart. Like, smarter than a four-year-old is supposed to be.
He’s already reading, for crying out loud. Several months ago, my mom took it upon herself to take my son to a music store, rent a violin, and sign him up for lessons during the week.
Three problems.
One. I don’t have him during the week.
Two. She didn’t have a plan for how it’d work and proposed what would’ve been roughly 100 miles of driving to pick him up from his daycare and bring him back.
Three. She didn’t talk to his mom about it first.
So she asked me to tell his mom what her plan was, and I framed it as ‘this is a bad idea, you’re going to be upset, and I agree with you 100%.’ I was right, she and her new husband were annoyed. Mom returned the violin and canceled the lessons. I thought this was over.
Nope.
This past Saturday, mom tells my son she has a surprise for him, and won’t tell me what it is.
She goes to get it and comes out with the violin again. I start to lose it, grab my keys, and go for a drive for about an hour because I know I’ll flip out if I stay.
After my son goes to bed, I try talking to my mom about how she’s violated both my boundaries and his mother’s, and all she can focus on is how mad she is at me for getting mad.
She made no real effort to listen to what I had to say, and the conversation ended with her telling me I’m being unreasonable and that I need to find somewhere else to take my son on weekends. (I have no support network beyond her – I’m not a very social person and my ex won custody of all of the friends in the divorce, so there’s literally nowhere I can go.)
It’s not like I don’t want my son exposed to music; I play two instruments and I’m going to ugly cry the first time I see him hold a bass guitar.
AITJ for not wanting my mom to force an instrument on my son?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Honestly, if your kid and yourself and your ex-wife’s new husband don’t care about violin it seems pointless.
If the kid was actively interested it’s different.
Then there is the practicing. Thank you my mom for not murdering me during the learning stages of an instrument. Violin is one of the worst in my opinion.
If the kid doesn’t actually care for it there’s no reason to want to rip your ears off.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom isn’t forcing an instrument on him – she’s forcing disappointment on him by setting him up for something completely unrealistic. Perhaps she thinks that by doing this, she can somehow modify the custody arrangement. I’m sorry – it must be really frustrating to experience that.
On the other hand – your ally in this might be your ex. This is her call. I assume that like you, she doesn’t think music is evil or something – just that a huge extra commute and transforming the custody schedule isn’t viable. Perhaps there’s a way that, during her time or yours, he could receive lessons in a way that’s more logistically convenient (say, near his mother’s house).
Your mother could even subsidize them if she feels strongly about this.
Alternatively, perhaps your mother could find an instructor who would see your son on the weekends you have him. That’s also an option that would be within your ability to control.
But yeah – your position is completely reasonable. Your ex’s position is completely reasonable. Your mother’s position is ignoring reality in so many ways it’s hard to imagine it’s not an attempt to manipulate you / your ex.
Poor kid. I really hope there’s a way to make lemonade from these lemons – good luck working it out with your kid’s mom.
Separately – you need to find a housing situation that works with a kid. Because you have a kid. Otherwise, you’ll lose the custody you have. You obviously can’t depend on your mother – so stop doing so.” BigBayesian
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, talk with your ex again and form a plan.
Your mom wants to ‘produce’ your son — she’s already raised a person, and you’re co-parenting with your ex! Grandma can build a shoebox and rubber band instrument with him and bond and give input about what activities you and your ex consider for him (and she can contribute as a gift if that’s part of it) but it isn’t her place to sign him up for things without your ex being involved, and she isn’t his talent manager or responsible for his gigs.” JustJudgin
17. AITJ For Overreacting When My Mom Cut My Hair?
“I (F19) came back home from uni for Easter break, it’s been almost 2 weeks and my mom (f47) has made various comments about my hair, clothing choice, weight, degree choice, and general appearance. It’s usually comments like ‘is your partner happy with your choice of clothing?’ ‘Does your partner like your hair?’ ‘I don’t like your hair, it looks ugly’ ‘you’re fat’ ‘don’t eat that, too many calories’ ‘you already ate too much’.
There are also comments about my appearance being the reason why my partner will leave me for someone else.
Comments like these are a daily occurrence and I usually don’t respond, but it started escalating to her just telling everyone and anyone that she doesn’t like/approve of my dyed hair after someone compliments it.
She suggested cutting the ends for me as it looked a little dry, so I ended up caving in and allowing her to cut my hair expecting her to only cut a little bit.
She ended up cutting 2 or 3 inches of my hair even though I told her to cut a little. My hair is now super uneven and very noticeable that something clearly went wrong. I ended up getting upset and crying, and she soon joined in crying a little too; I decided to go for a shower to cool off and properly see the damage done to my hair.
When I came out, she just acted like everything is normal and that she didn’t just butcher my hair and asked me if I was going to eat. I ended up shouting and letting all my pent-up anger from all the comments and what she did to my hair go off. She just looked at me with this face of confusion and ‘this chick is crazy’, and proceeded to tell me that I can’t blame her and it’s not her fault about what happened to my hair.
She didn’t apologize and made me feel like I was crazy for being upset over this. She also ended up laughing and is just chilling in the living room not bothered whatsoever.
So I just went to my room to think and get away, but then I started thinking about the whole situation and was wondering if I’m overreacting? Am I a jerk for being this upset over all this? So should I apologize to her for overreacting or something??”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but learn from this incident.
Clearly, you had an inkling before you let her cut your hair that she does not have your best interests at heart. Now you know that she is willing to go so far as to sabotage your appearance. Memorize how you feel right now – confused, crazy, and belittled. Maybe a little stupid for letting her butcher your hair. Her words and actions made you feel this way.
Next time, and every time thereafter, refuse to engage. If she asks if your partner likes something about you, don’t answer. If she criticizes your food intake, keep right on eating. People in this sub are quick to advise going no-contact, but that’s only one option among many. Ignore her. Either she will stop, or she’ll keep going but become increasingly frustrated because she gets no reaction from you.
Either way, you’ll keep living your life.
Your mom may be in your life for a long time still, but she can’t be a force for evil if you don’t let her. In the meantime, go get your haircut from a professional. Come home and rave about how much you like it; maybe thank her for forcing you to go a bit shorter. Convey the message that she can’t hurt you anymore, and make that a reality.” CandylandCanada
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Why are you still in contact with this horrible woman?? As a mother, I COULD NOT imagine talking to my children like this. I’d want my children to feel beautiful in every aspect, and I speak that love to them every day. What your mom is doing, outright trying to put you down about the way you look is disgusting. And she’s clearly misogynistic when she keeps saying you need to change how you look for your partner.
I’m pretty sure if he didn’t like the way you looked now, he wouldn’t be your partner.
Women don’t exist to be a visual pleasure for men, she can get bent with that dumb stuff. This isn’t how a loving mother acts. She literally tried to gaslight you when you called her out on this and had the audacity to laugh at you?? She’s abusive, no question about it.
Seeing this made me so annoyed, I wanna throw some hands with this woman. If I were you, I would leave and say I’m refusing all contact until she can apologize and stop being an awful mother. And even after an apology, it’d be very minimal contact if I were in your shoes. If my mother treated me like this, she’d be dead to me.” Zestyclose-Hour8614
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
These are not normal comments for a mother to make. And it sounds very much like she was purposely trying to style your hair in a way that she liked (and failed).
When you deal with that kind of crap for a long time, your anger will get pent up, and it’ll eventually have to come out sometime. The best way to deal with those sorts of comments is to call them out when they happen and allow yourself to experience the emotions on the spot, that way you don’t have to deal with them later, and people know that you won’t take crap. Obviously, there are exceptions for certain situations (i.e. a funeral or something), but you’re allowed to feel things, and you’re allowed to express those feelings.” Vio_Van_Helsing
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Bring My Mom To A Concert?
“My sister (F30) and I (F25) got concert tickets for last summer. The concert got moved to this summer. I reminded my sister that we had a concert this summer and my mom (F59) was there. My sister said that she had an event to go to and could no longer attend. I said no problem. I would ask one of my friends who I texted right after that conversation.
My friend is still on the fence because she wants to save funds but I did not tell my mom this.
My mom texted the next day and said that she would go with me and offered to pay for my sister’s ticket. My mom is very conservative and religious. She will comment on people’s outfits and say that they are showing too much skin for a crop top or that a girl is too big to be wearing that outfit.
She would also count my drinks and have an opinion on the dancers on stage. We are going to an outside venue and everyone on the lawn gets super lit. I also think she thinks all concerts are the same.
This is not a free concert in the park where everyone is quiet. It is at a concert venue where people will be singing and dancing. The last time I went to a concert with her at a similar outside venue, she just sat in the back where you could barely hear the music and did not dance or even seem interested in the concert and that was for a band she knew.
She does not know the band that I have tickets to see this summer.
I feel like I am not going to enjoy the concert as much with her there. I rather go with another friend who would actually be fun and enjoy the concert. I go to concerts for the experience, not just the music.
I do hang out with her other times like getting food, going home to visit her, going home for holidays, etc.
So am I the jerk if I go to the concert with another friend instead of my mom even though she offered?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here unless she throws a sulk. Just tell her you don’t think she’ll enjoy herself and that your friend is excited about going.” LipstickRevenge
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you never know. I had the same kind of dread about a trip with my mom and it actually ended up being really fun, my mom befriended someone in a million years I would not have seen her talking to, they both quilt and are now friends on social media.” RushuHohm975
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Find an alternative event on a different day and suggest that instead… something you will both enjoy. Symphony, oldies music, painting class, play, etc.
Go to the concert without her.” Intelligent_Stop5564
15. AITJ For Refusing To Pay My Partner's Rent?
“My (27M) significant other (24F) and I have been together for a few months. Things progressed pretty quickly, to the point we were spending most nights together. It was a mutual thing, and we both enjoyed sleeping in the same bed together. She has an apartment, and I own a house that is sizeably bigger. From the beginning, we always spent the majority of our time at her apartment.
When we got more serious, I suggested we start spending more time at my house; it’s more convenient in nearly every way for both our daily lives (ie. work commute, space, backyard, closer to amenities, etc.).
Here’s where it gets tricky. She has a cat and a dog—which I’m fine with hosting at my house. If we continued to get more serious this was bound to happen eventually, so it doesn’t really matter when.
She didn’t like the idea of moving them over though, so we ended up just continuing our standard routine.
None of this was was that big of a deal to me until she told me she wanted me to start paying half the rent for her apartment. Under normal circumstances, I would be more than willing to contribute to the rent/utilities (I’m already paying for well over half of the food we eat and order in), but I’m already paying $1000+ for a mortgage of my own, for a house, I haven’t slept at in three months—basically, just an expensive storage unit for my clothes, that have all but been moved over to her place.
I told her it was unreasonable to expect me to add $500 onto my monthly expenses for a lease I never signed, while I already pay for a fully functioning house that is more than capable of accommodating all of us, including her animals.
This has caused a bit of a divide between us, as I’ve made it pretty clear I’m not going to pay half the rent for her when I’ve already presented other options.
I think this is a pretty grey area because if I didn’t have a mortgage I was already paying,I would be fine contributing more, but I think this detail somewhat alters things. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Take anything you would owe for half the rent at her place, which she got by herself, and ask her for her half of the house rent. It is unreasonable for her to ask you to pay rent when you have only been together a few months, and are offering to let her move in, and your place is a better option.
I’m really curious what her reasoning is behind not wanting to move the animals to a place with bigger space, as it makes it seem like we’re not getting the entire picture, although the short term of the relationship thus far would seem reasonable.” CuriosiT38
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You each have your own places and your own bills. You have offered up your place just as much as she has offered up her place, but because of her pets, you spend more time at her place.
Until you are ready to move in together, you each have your own bills, and you aren’t spending time at her place because it is better for you, but because she prefers it. My partner is mostly at my place because he has a roommate, but I would never charge him rent because he has a place, and this is more convenient for both of us to be at my place.
I’d say that you should start spending more time at your place. You say you have only been going out for a few months but are together all the time- make some space between you two, it’s actually a good thing. Also, you have only been together a few months but she wants you to pay rent – red flag!” mfruitfly
14. AITJ For Telling A Woman To Stop Blocking The Football Area?
“I (a young male) was playing football in the football area of the park. It was fine until this lady and her son, (her son was younger than me) came along. The lady was helping her son learn how to ride a bike. This meant they got completely in my way. At first, I waited, then became annoyed and asked them to move somewhere else. Note that the football area was concrete, so it was perfect for a bike.
Anyway, the lady argued back that it was a public park. I replied telling them there was a huge unoccupied concrete road. However, cars weren’t allowed on this concrete road. This would technically mean she had all the space in the world to teach her son to ride but decided to block me.
The argument extended for about a minute, with the two of us basically repeating ourselves with louder voices.
It was so until she called the staff at the park to come over and resolve the issue. The park staff removed me from the park since in their eyes I was being rude and selfish. I personally don’t think I was rude or selfish.
So here comes the age-old question. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you were there first, and there was plenty of other space she could have used for her planned activities.
Someone else mentioned that you could have unintentionally used a rude tone- this is true and maybe you were coming off as aggressive, how could we know? I do know that sometimes society chooses the woman with the child over young men under the assumption that a young man in public must be up to no good – I hate that nonsense. I stand by my vote.
You were there first.” daniipants
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If a kid is using a swing in a public park, it would be bad form to push the kid off so that another kid could play in the dirt under the swing. That is effectively what the mom did by moving her kid and his bike into a space already being used for its designed purpose, specifically making it impossible for him to continue doing what he was doing before they came along.” Diasies_inMyHair
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you were there first in a designated area.
You even produced a good solution where everyone would win. Some parents suck, once I was playing some touch football (American) in the park. When a dad with two young kids decided to fly kites about 15ft away from us, we asked if they could go to one of the two empty fields adjacent. Apparently, that offended him so much that he decided to call the police, I’m still mad about that.” stpcoffeeclown
13. AITJ For Wanting To Buy A Hand Vacuum On My Birthday?
“I (recently turned 21 male) decided to get a hand vacuum cleaner for my birthday because my room has been dirty with dust and fur and the only way to effectively clean it is to either get a regular vacuum (once I clean up my room I have to clean the rest of the house) or get the broom that is on the other side of the house so it’s annoying when I’m on my computer.
I checked the price for a cheap vacuum and found one for 40 euro which isn’t too expensive even I can afford it. But my family was adamant against me buying it because it was too expensive (which I counter by said then we don’t have to go out and eat but they got annoyed at this response).
Also I stated that I have money but my family has it because I loaned it to them and they don’t want to give me the money because they don’t want to waste it on useless junk.
Finally, stuff I should mention: 1 where are not in financial problems. 2 they are against me getting basically anything thing since I have a lot of stuff (they are talking about my 2 portable consoles and computer which doesn’t make a lot of sense because I want something useful and not wasteful like another console). 3. They have been against my decision for at least 2 days (before and after my birthday) constantly annoying me constantly to a certain point and even gaslighting me into believing my birthday gift was going to a store and selling my old games (it’s weird I know).
Edit: the reason my family has my moolah is basically my sister has to deal with the financial situation of my family. She has my mom’s credit card most of the time. And when my mom needs funds for shopping for groceries so I lend her my money. At this time I had lent her all I had so I didn’t have anything to buy my vacuum.
They don’t leech off me because they give me back my funds plus interest. This was the only instance they were being unreasonable.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but this all sounds very confusing. It sounds like there are strange family financial dynamics going on – you’re earning, but your moolah is with your family. I think that it’s important, in a situation like this, that everyone is really clear over who has a claim to what money.
Down to the smallest increment. Otherwise, an unexpected bonus at work could become a big problem at home – if your family covered your household responsibilities so you could work late, and your boss gave you an extra $100, whose $100 is that? The rules should cover it because you and your family have a claim to it.
If you get to choose your birthday gift and it’s within budget, then unless it’s a family-values problem, whatever – it’s your birthday.
If you’re buying yourself this gift – then whatever – it’s your funds.
If you’re using family money, that you’re claiming on the basis that you’ve worked hard and it’s your birthday, so you’re entitled – that’s not okay.
This is why something as inflexible as requires rules that are similarly inflexible to match.” BigBayesian
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I think it’s a good purchase. An option here would be to let it blow over, wait until you get again (either however you earned it originally or them giving back the loan), and then buy it.
At 21, you don’t need their permission to buy something you want – whether they approve of the purchase or not is their problem.” Substantial-Fox-4905
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your request is reasonable even if unconventional. If you’re looking for an alternative idea, maybe figure out a store where you can buy it and ask for a gift card from there. They don’t need to know you want a small vac.
Your family has its priorities screwed up. Why wouldn’t they want you to have a useful tool?” nikkesen
12. AITJ For Wanting To Celebrate My Birthday With My Friends?
“I haven’t had a birthday party in around 11 years, since I was like 10 because I literally didn’t have any friends so I had nobody to invite to a potential birthday party.
In lieu of an actual birthday party, my birthday usually consists of me going over to my parents’ house, eating a cake, and drinking. It’s boring but it was essentially my only option other than doing the above by myself which is even sadder.
Now that I’m in college ,I’ve gotten a small group of very good friends and I want to have an actual birthday party doing stuff that I find fun. Going out shooting and then getting some pizza at my favorite restaurant followed by cake. I know my friends would also find that fun so I think it would be a great time.
But now, after telling my mother I’ll be having my birthday with my friends, she’s losing her mind and is accusing me of being ashamed of her, hating her, etc., for not wanting to do the usual birthday stuff but with my friends.
I’d rather not invite my friends to my parents’ house, that sounds awkward and kind of weird. I’m not embarrassed by my parents but that situation, in particular, sounds embarrassing.
I want to have a birthday that I actually find enjoyable, not what my parents think is a fun birthday. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but maybe find a compromise and do the friends party with your friends on your birthday, and see mom the day before or the day after.
Assuming she’s a good loving mom (who’s struggling right now watching you grow up) then your birthday is VERY important to her too (it’s her hard work that gave you a birthday)… but by 21 it’s very reasonable to want to see your friends on your birthday, and she’s probably just having a hard time seeing her baby grow up. She will get over it. If she is an abusive or unkind person.
Then just NTJ, you do you.” Possible_Wing_166
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re an adult, and want to celebrate with your friends. That’s fine and normal. You might get a bit of peace and avoid an argument by going to see your parents earlier and then going out with your friends to celebrate. You can let your mom know that you love her and aren’t embarrassed by her and still live your own life.” Raptorscars
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mother guilting you is a bad sign. She’s not letting go of her ‘baby’ and you need to nip that in the bud immediately or it will get worse.
Tell her you will celebrate your bday with her on another day. Or perhaps celebrate with your friends on another day. Just be sure to do what makes you happy, not her.” Krakengreyjoy
11. AITJ For Not Giving Credit To My Groupmate Who Did Not Participate?
“I (25M) am in my final semester of grad school. For our discussion post last week, we had to have a conversation with a classmate about certain things (the chapter we read for class, how our internships were going etc and simply post who we talked to, when we talked and how we talked (in person or online).
Due to an odd number of classmates, I was in a group with two people.
A week before the discussion was due, I initiated trying to set up the conversation. After several more attempts, one of my partners finally responded back two days before the due date and we had a conversation the day before the due date. Neither of us was able to reach our other partner so we had our discussion without them.
In my discussion post, I stated ‘I spoke with (blank) and we talked (on this day and time) via zoom.’ Apparently, the partner I spoke with included the partner we didn’t speak with and that partner just looked at our posts for the day and time we talked and copied what we said.
Our professor reached out to me via email and inquired about why I didn’t include the partner that didn’t show up in my post. I told him that they did not show up and did not respond to any of my attempts to reach out to them. I guess the professor gave both of my partners a zero for the discussion and reprimanded them for lying.
They reached out to me telling me I was wrong to throw both of them under the bus. The partner who didn’t show up said that they didn’t have time to meet or even respond due to being busy with classes, their assistantship, and their internship.
I should mention our professor only grades our best 10 of the 13 discussion posts we have.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The one who participated shouldn’t have lied to the one who didn’t.
That’s their own fault. Unsure if the other programs the other is using as an excuse are required for this class, but it sounds like they have more on their plate than they can handle. They should have reached out to the teacher for an extension or alternative for the assignment, instead of just assuming you and the other would be okay about lying.” craptinamerica
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You didn’t throw anyone under the bus. They lied, which is a serious offense in those circumstances. ‘I didn’t have the time’ is not an excuse for lying. They can use that excuse to explain why they did not take part. The other partner is at fault for not getting your agreement in this scheme, to begin with. If someone does something sketchy and expects your cooperation, they’d better tell them about it before they do it.” disruptionisbliss
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If they don’t have the time, then they should at least say so or drop out.
You could have told the partner with whom you worked you were going to do it just so they knew and that way they could have prevented being penalized for lying. But that’s all.” ExcellentPatience298
10. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Call Me By My Name?
“I (30nb) have changed my name twice in my life. Once, when I was 16, I shortened my birth name to something smaller and less likely to get teased over. The second time was just last year when I came out as non-binary and changed my name to something I’d been going by online for years.
My mom refuses to acknowledge this name change, and in fact, has gone back to calling me my birth name every time she talks to me or talks about me.
She won’t use the shortened version of my birth name and when I tell her that neither of those is my name, she tells me that my name is the one she gave me at birth and it’s too hard for her to remember to change it.
It reached a head a few weeks ago and I messaged her to tell her that I wouldn’t be answering to that name anymore.
I guess my message came off as passive-aggressive because she started jumping down my throat about how I was triggering her PTSD by writing the way I was (I don’t tend to use slang or improper grammar when I’m upset) and that I was treating her just like my dad (her ex) did.
I don’t see how correcting her when she uses the wrong name makes me the jerk, but she’s acting like I’ve done something horrible to her and personally offended her because I asked for her to stop deadnaming me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There is a huge difference between a slip-up and pulling the ‘I brought you into this earth…’ card. Her birthing you and naming you doesn’t mean she OWNS you or your name…
But using the ‘it’s too complicated to remember’ excuse is complete nonsense. The best way to prove this point is to bring a straight, married, female up in conversation… If your mother is capable of remembering to call that female by her ‘new’ married name, she is 100% able to remember and use yours.” aj_alva
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mother is coming to an emotional conclusion – ‘I don’t want to change how I think about my child and acknowledge who they actually are’ and then backfilling with what seems on the surface to her like reasonable ‘reasons’ for that decision. ‘I have PTSD! It’s so hard to remember one word! I feel bad about this and it reminds me of other times I felt bad!’ They are, of course, not reasonable or sensible and you are not required to indulge her in the idea that they are.
Your name has changed; that is a fact. The name better suits who you are; that is also a fact. These are non-negotiable. Your mom may come around – many parents do, maybe even most parents, but you will need to draw your lines in the sand and hold to them. If she deadnames you, you have to get off the phone immediately. If she does it in person, you leave, right away.
She can express her unreasonable assertions or she can have your time and attention, but she can’t have both. You are solidly in the right here, as difficult as it is to go through this. I hope she sees the light for you and puts her love for you first.” Carrotstick21
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your name is your name and that is that. I will say I have had some friends who have dealt with similar situations with their parents, some find it better to not worry about their parents using a dead name and some do. That’s your choice to make, even if your mom named you originally.” stpcoffeeclown
9. AITJ For Telling My Brother Not To Buy A House?
“I am 22F living in a 3rd world country. Four years ago, my brother’s partner moved to Australia. My brother (29M), wanting to be with her, decided that he wants to move to Australia too. The problem is that our family ain’t rich at all. For our brother to be able to work in Australia, he has to finish up a degree there, which costs $60,000+.
Transportation, living fees, etc., are separate. My parents graciously decided to take on the burden since my brother did not have any savings to pay for any of the fees.
My dad earns $600+/month (but because of the debts, it gets auto-deducted so he only receives around $4). It costs a lot but my parents were able to pay for the tuition fee… by getting big bank loans and borrowing from people over and over again.
Currently, we’ve only been paying the interest bit by bit. We haven’t scratched the surface of that $60,000+ loan. I’m still in college, and my sister has been giving her 100% of her work to pay the debts.
It’s gotten to the point that bankers are calling our phones every day, my parents are depressed, we have no food in our fridge, and our house is breaking apart from lack of repairs.
Back to the present, my brother had already finished his degree and started working in Australia. He has been sending funds to our parents to pay the debt. We’ve been paying the debt for years already and I don’t think it’s ever gonna stop unless some miracle happens.
Earlier, my brother sent multiple chat messages to our sibling group chat. He was asking for our thoughts about him cutting down on the funds he sends every 2 weeks that we use to pay for the debt.
He and his partner want to start saving up to own a house in Australia (they currently live together in a shared house with one roommate and they want to move into a better house), so he will use the funds that he sends us to save for it. He told us that his partner encouraged him to be ‘a little bit selfish for once’ and that he ‘didn’t go to Australia to pay debts.’
My sister and I were shocked and hurt by this, and we told him that.
We’ve been struggling to pay for our food, water, and electricity for years now, and he wants to lessen the that could help us stay afloat. My sister told him about all of our struggles with having all this debt and how it hurt her that he’s prioritizing a new home instead of paying back the debt. I also expressed that I’m not on board with the idea and how his message implied that we were holding him back from having a future and it wasn’t fair.
My brother and my sister had a heated discussion. He said that we’re making it seem like it’s his fault that our family ended up in debt. The discussion ended when my brother announced to our sibling group chat that he has decided to cut the funds down anyway.
If the circumstances were different, we’d be all for him getting a house with his partner and living his life.
But in our current state, I don’t see how I could agree to it. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What your brother has done is a huge betrayal to your family after the generosity of helping him chase his dreams overseas. Currently sitting here with my partner who is from Australia. She’s added some insider info: how on earth is your brother going to get a home loan anyway? The deposit, fees, and interest rates for foreign nationals or non-permanent residents are extortionate (caters to big investors), also not available from major banks, and if his salary isn’t enough to continue to pay back your family, it’s not likely to be high enough to be approved for a mortgage.” Conscious_Carry_9205
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your brother is a massive jerk.
There is no way he should be prioritizing getting a house before paying back the debt. The bit about saying you’re acting like it’s his fault? I mean, it actually is! Well, certainly his responsibility, anyway. He had the choice when he realized the only way to finance his study was for the family to go massively into debt, he could have come home then. He’s now responsible to help get you all out of this debt hole.” KellyfromtheFuture
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your brother has the wrong idea about finances, debt, and how to balance family with responsibilities. He should be paying the debt because it was done to help him. Unfortunately, because he isn’t with you all, it is not clicking what you all are actually going through. You all should have him come visit to see firsthand how this debt is impacting you all. Saying it is one thing, but ppl like him need to see and experience it.
He may or may not change his decision to help but at least you can say you’ve made him aware. It’ll be hard, but develop a plan to pay this debt off without him and in the future when (because it won’t be if but when) he comes begging for help again, you all won’t because you already know he’s not holding integrity nor common sense.” Sea-Tea-4130
8. AITJ For Being Annoyed That My Mother Coddles My Brother?
“I’m (18f) the first child and daughter in an African household but we have lived in Europe for as long as I know. My mom is from West Africa and my stepdad is European. My dad passed away and thus my siblings J (12m) and G (7f) are my half-siblings as people would say but I see them as my full siblings and I love them with all my heart.
When my brother was about 2 or 3, he was diagnosed with autism, and since then, he’s been going to different types of therapy weekly although he has stopped this year because his doctors believe he has made incredible progress and knows how to deal with his disability on his own.
My mom has always been very forthcoming about my brother’s diagnosis but when my psychiatrist diagnosed me with ADHD 6 years ago, she completely ignored it saying she didn’t want a broken daughter and pulled me out of therapy shortly after.
Up until now, after showing significant signs of mental unwellness, she has always ignored it and told me to ‘get over it’.
In a few months, I will be leaving for university and it will finally be a way for me to stay away from my family and grow up like a normal teenager/young adult. I’ve been a second mom to my siblings for years now and never had the chance to really be a kid, I’m guessing that comes from being the first child and the first daughter but it still damaged me a lot especially seeing how my brother gets to be a regular child and I never had the same chance.
When I was my brother’s age, I did everything by myself. I did my laundry myself, my schoolwork on my own and took our dogs out for a walk, basically everything! In comparison to me, my brother does nothing. I know he’s autistic and of course, can’t do everything I can but I’m under the genuine impression that my mom lets him be absolutely lazy under the name of his autism.
He never does anything by himself like literally he doesn’t do his homework by himself, doesn’t even try to at least accompany me with taking the dogs on a walk (even though he’s the one that wanted them I never did).
So like I said, I’m going to university soon and I’m genuinely scared that my mom won’t be able to cope without me there because these past few weeks, I’ve been trying to include my brother in chores or telling him to put his dish in the sink on his own.
Every time I tell my mom she’s babying him and she should let him grow up and be a kid and make mistakes and learn from them just like I did, my mom always gets really mad at me telling me that I’m being jealous of him and my jealousy is ‘scary’ because I would ‘hurt’ him. She says that the way I treat him is terrible because I should be understanding of his disability and of course I am I feel like she’s not allowing him to be an actual kid.
So is she right? Am I just being jealous and my annoyance is bad because I’m his sister? I genuinely don’t know if I’m in the right or just a really jealous bigoted sister.”
Another User Comments:
“You don’t sound like you’re saying this from a place of jealousy but even if you were jealous, you’re allowed to be jealous. You shouldn’t have had to become an extra parent while your siblings get to be lazy and you have to parent them.
College sounds like you finally get a chance to act like a kid.
Of course, you don’t want your siblings to be in a bad place since you will be gone and your mother is acting like this. But that’s on your mother. She’s the parent, she will get slapped in the face soon by her own mistakes. Maybe once you leave, she’ll realize she has done herself and your siblings a huge disservice by babying them.
I cannot speak on your one brother because we don’t know anything about his autism other than what you’ve told us but if you think your mother is allowing him to be lazy and “blame” it on his diagnosis. Maybe talking to a relative could help you feel more comfortable about leaving them for college?
In the end NTJ, good luck at college!!” Flimsy-Dragonfly-178
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m truly sorry that you’ve been put in this horrible position.
As soon as you get to Uni, get a counselor and talk through some of your challenges. It’s time to focus on your mental health and overall well-being. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself FIRST. Your mother is an adult that made her choices. You are not responsible for the outcome of those choices. She will learn to cope AFTER blaming you and guilting you and trying to make her burdens your responsibility.
Weather that storm, don’t give in, don’t change your plans, stand firm.
Autism is something that many have learned to live with and succeed despite the affliction. You’re not in a position where you can permanently fix any of your family’s current challenges. Focus on your growth, your development, and your health. Your family situation is not a pressing emergency that needs your undivided attention. Be a good daughter and sister when you can but focus on yourself first and foremost.
Your family will survive and your mother will learn/relearn new skills.” ROZDOG69
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mental health needs were cruelly dismissed when your brothers weren’t. You’ve made an effort to teach him a few basic life skills your mother hasn’t. You are entitled to your own life and you know that leaving is in your best interests. You’re not the jerk for removing yourself from a situation where your own mental health suffers from neglect. It sucks for your brother but that’s your mother’s fault.” nikkesen
7. AITJ For Getting Mad When My Friend Talked To Someone Else?
“My (M16) friend (F16) and I are in high school, at lunch break we sit in our classroom and eat or play games on the computer or whatever, you know. She and I always just sit and play games and make jokes and do the normal friend stuff. We had just gotten invested in this one game where you have to build a house, and we agreed we would start one of the projects together so one wouldn’t be behind the other.
A little while after this, a guy from our class (GFOC) sits right in between me and my friend.
Anyways, he starts talking to only her and basically only said 2 sentences to me the whole time. I keep playing the game and so does my friend while GFOC keeps talking. I was getting annoyed that he was so focused on her and she did nothing to reel me into the conversation they were having.
So I began on the project in the game we said we would do together to see if she would react. She did nothing, and the thing that then broke me was when he invited her to play something else and she didn’t ask me to join or anything and he didn’t either.
I felt so left out by her that I had to leave the room because I got a panic attack.
I have really bad abandonment issues and watching her leave me like that really hurt me. After lunch, I told her that I didn’t think it was okay, and she said it wasn’t her responsibility to invite me to anything or reel me into the conversation, and after that, she had an annoying attitude toward me for the rest of the day.
I said sorry for how I acted and she didn’t say it back.
So am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Newsflash: your friend has a right to have other friends or spend the lunch break however she wants. I get that if she is your only friend in high school that may be tough on you, however, controlling behavior will likely only result in her wanting to have nothing to do to with you.
As far as abandonment issues are concerned – that’s something that should be addressed by therapy, not by your friend.
Also describing someone as your ‘platonic friend’ and then being jealous about the attention they receive from someone else should make you evaluate whether the feelings were entirely platonic.” mithdraug
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You say that you and your friend always sit together at lunch break, and you want her to apologize to you because one day she decides to hang out with someone else? You can’t expect to be her only friend and to always be with her.
Also, the impression I got is that she and the guy who went to talk to her wanted to be alone for a moment, is it possible that there is a romantic interest there? If that’s the case, it’s normal for them to want to spend time alone and you being her friend should support her and let her.” for_personal_things
Another User Comments:
“Slight YTJ, at least based on what you’ve said so far.
It seems like this guy was trying to flirt with your friend and she was into it. If your relationship is truly platonic, you should let her go and be with people that are showing romantic interest.
That said, you said you have abandonment issues. If possible, you should talk to a therapist about this as soon as possible, even if your friend doesn’t end up spending more time with this other guy.
But being clingy and insisting on being included at all times, even ones when your friend needs space to develop other relationships is not going to improve your friendship. It’s like holding onto a balloon so tightly that it pops.
She’s not doing it to hurt you but to help herself. So try to be supportive, encourage her to meet other people, and try to meet some new ones yourself. It doesn’t mean you two aren’t friends anymore; just that you have more friends than before.” Filvarel_Iliric
6. AITJ For Asking My Roommate To Keep Quiet While I Nap?
“My roommate and I (both 18f) have never had roommates before in our lives. So this is a first for both of us. We live in the same bedroom. A 10×15 room in which the bottoms of our beds are less than a foot from each other. There’s nothing to separate our sides either. We also have a common area in our dorm apartment that’s meant for 4 people.
I’m the only one who uses it at all, I use it to make my own phone calls when I don’t want to disturb my roommate. The issue: She has the habit of answering or continuing phone calls (that aren’t urgent) in the room when I’m asleep and never bothering to step out.
I’ve asked her multiple times not to do this, but she always ‘forgets.’ This happens when I’m taking naps, as well as in the early morning or nighttime.
To make it clear, I am not ‘sleeping my day away’ either. I wake up every day at 7 am and don’t get to sleep until 10-12. Once or twice a week I am able to take an hour-long nap that I tend to take advantage of. If she’s in the room, I always ask to make sure it’s ok if I take a nap. Except for two days of the week, she doesn’t wake/get up til 10-12 in the morning and goes to sleep around the same time I do.
I’d love to take my naps during her classes except, out of the two days she has classes, they’re at the same time as my own (I believe, she always forgets to send me her schedule no matter how many times I ask so I don’t know for sure).
The other times she leaves the room are random and typically don’t last longer than an hour (and are typically at a time that’s too late for naps).
Also, when she is on the phone when I’m sleeping, she’ll sometimes have the other person on speaker phone so I can hear both people talking. Also, in no way does my asking her to talk in the living room ‘halt her day’ as she only talks to her parents, and she does that 2-4 times a day anyways. She also tends to watch videos at night, when I can also hear the audio.
And I do wear headphones sometimes for naps but they don’t really work when the person is standing or sitting just a few feet away from you talking on the phone with the speaker on. I wanted to know if this was a weird expectation to have as someone sharing a room, for you to not talk on the phone or listen to audio of any kind in the same room while they’re literally sleeping not 10 feet away.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and she need some manners, it’s not like you don’t want her to enter the room, it’s as simple as not talking on the phone when you’re sleeping. The naps take an hour, is it really so hard for her to be in the general area for 60 minutes? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask her to stop speaking on the phone inside the room during the naps.” parfait-keyy
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I think that it’s perfectly reasonable to ask her to hold off on phone calls in your room in the early morning/late night (i.e. during what most people consider ‘sleeping hours’). I also think it’s reasonable to ask her to use headphones to watch videos at night and to stop talking on speaker phone when you’re in the room. But if you’re taking naps during the day, expecting silence in your room is a big stretch.
Unless both roomies agree to daytime ‘quiet hours’, you have to accept that napping during the day could result in noise-based interruptions. That’s part of the shared-bedroom college roommate experience.” WelcomeToBrooklandia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you have the right to ask her to take her calls in the common area. She may not listen, however. It would be courteous of her to at least take calls from certain hours in the common area, say 10 pm to 8 am…
maybe you could compromise on that.
I feel your pain, I am a light sleeper, and I have to tell my teenage daughter to either get off the phone or take her to call in another room if it’s after 10 pm. You can also try playing white noise while you nap and that may drown out other noise.” spartanmom4
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. She shouldn’t be talking on speakerphone but being on the phone in her own room in the middle of the day is completely reasonable.
I have narcolepsy (a sleep disorder that involves an excessive urge to sleep and other neurological features) so I completely understand how important naps can be, but it’s not on other people to accommodate you. I’d suggest trying earplugs or noise-canceling earbuds. For regular headphones, I find some kind of white noise significantly better at drowning out noise than regular music.” arterialrainbow
5. AITJ For Getting Angry When My Grandmother Took My Father's Stuff?
“My father passed away Friday. His mother came down to talk to me and my sister and she went ahead and made the funeral arrangements as well (we already felt like she overstepped but we ultimately were fine because she helped and the arrangements for my father are nice) but that night, we had told her that nobody gets ANYTHING of our dad’s (her son) things until my sister and I were fully done going through everything and were ready to give away things (this was Saturday).
Well, my dad’s partner asked if we can all meet her at his place at 2 pm (Sunday) so she can get her stuff, we said that’s fine cause we’re not going to hold her stuff hostage. I was 10-15 minutes late to the meeting cause my child was acting out. I get a call as I’m on the way to my father’s house and it was his mom (my grandmother) and she said that she took some stuff she wanted to cause it was stuff she had bought him from previous birthdays.
I am LIVID cause it was all of his tools, a grass whacker, and I don’t know what else because my sister and I had barely gone through anything.
I told her that it was not okay and to wait till I got there. She then proceeded to tell me she was already gone and was too far away to turn back. My sister and I had yelled at her through several phone calls cause she had crossed a specific boundary I had clearly set.
And now people in the family are mad at us because ‘she’s his mom’ and ‘it’s just things’ but it’s not even about that, it’s about the fact that several people in the family heard me say nobody can get anything until we’re ready. And she saw the opportunity to take it since I was late and my dad’s partner had a key to the house.
Since then, I had called a lawyer to see what further action I can take. Cause I’m also hurt at the fact that not even 2-3 full days after her own son’s passing, she’s just trying to take take take. So am I the jerk because I felt a clear boundary was crossed without thinking of how I or my sister would feel or should I let it go because that is his mother?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your grandmother sounds like a piece of work. I would recommend not yelling but explaining when family members ask. She may be his mother, but you are his kids. Try to stay calm and not let anyone take any more stuff. If you go through a lawyer, you might end up alienating your entire family. I presume she is also hurting, not that it defends her actions, but stay away from each other for a while.
Look through the rest of his things, and if you can, let it go what she took.” Djiniii_123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and if you have not done it yet, CHANGE THE LOCKS and do not give anyone the keys also make sure all the windows are locked, you would probably be shocked at how many people will break into a loved one’s home to steal stuff after death.
This way you can control who comes and goes into the home. I would then send a text demanding his mother return all the items by X date or you will seek legal action against her to regain those items. I would also get a lawyer and check what his will states. IF he left everything to his children and his children only, it does not matter who else wants what because in the eyes of law it all belongs to those he named in his will.
If he had no will then in most places everything would go to his next of kin, which if he is not married, would be his children.” Scarletzoe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m glad you spoke to a lawyer. I don’t know if your dad’s place is his home or a rental, but I would recommend changing locks if you can to contain everything until the dust settles.
Her gifts to her son are not hers to take just because she bought them originally. Clearly, the tools and the stuff she took were valuable and not sentimental. Just wait for the lawyer’s answer, but my guess is that there are probably legal issues with grandma removing items she wasn’t entitled to, but since it’s just ‘stuff’, it might not be worth pursuing.
We had a similar situation where we were on our way to my wife’s grandmother’s place after she passed and there were some specific items she wanted or at least wanted to put her name on.
The family proceeded to go through the apartment and take everything they wanted before she arrived (stuck behind an accident and unable to move). When we arrived everyone had packed up their cars and told us to go in and look because there was still some great stuff. None of it was meaningful. It was useful things like cookware and appliances, but none of that meant anything to my wife.” ToxicLogics
4. AITJ For Siding With My Nephew Who Cooked His Own Food During Easter?
“I (30m), my wife (31f), and our kids (10m, 7f, 5m, and 2m) went to my sister’s (34f) house on Easter to celebrate the holiday. My parents, other siblings and their families, etc were all there. My sister that was hosting us and her husband (34m) have 7 kids (16m, 14f, 13m, 10f, 6m, 3m, 1f). I and my siblings all have fairly large houses (which is useful, because you can probably tell we have a large family) and we alternate Easter every year with who hosts between ourselves.
All of us brought food, but my sister made the majority of it because she was hosting this year. Her 13 y/o son, my nephew, said he didn’t want any of the food that was cooked and went into the kitchen to cook his own food. I didn’t see a problem with this because growing up, our parents always told us (once we were old enough) that if we didn’t like what was made, we could cook for ourselves.
When my sister saw he was trying to cook himself food, she told him to get out of the kitchen and sat him down at the table and told him he needed to eat what was cooked. He started complaining and told her that he was making the food, not her, so he should be able to cook and eat for himself because ‘I’m not making you make an extra meal’, the same logic she had used on us before, as did our parents with us.
She objected by saying it was Easter and he needed to eat what was already made and be grateful. He sat there and refused to eat any of what was made. He wasn’t making a tantrum or anything, just sat there, my sister tried to get him to eat but he refused, she didn’t try force-feeding him physically or anything like that. Eventually, she told him to go to his room, so he did, hungry.
I then went to my nephew’s room, he was upset and I asked him if she had made him go to bed hungry before, he said that she hadn’t and he was shocked to see her this angry, he kept telling me about how, as I mentioned earlier, his mother always told him if he didn’t like anything made, he could cook for himself, he explained he didn’t want anything that was made, so he started cooking for himself,.
I began comforting him and then gave him some Easter candy. My sister came into the room to give him some clothes that were in the dryer, she got upset and told me that I wasn’t his parent and shouldn’t tell him he was ‘right’ for doing what he did, and we then got into an argument about how she basically sent him to bed hungry.
she went on a rant about how she’d never do that but she couldn’t tolerate him not being grateful and how ‘it’s not the same’ as being able to make something for himself because ‘he likes the food that was made.’
She told me I was being a jerk and a jerk and shouldn’t get involved, and some of my siblings heard what was happening and said she was right and I shouldn’t try to parent him, I just wanted him to not be hungry, and wanted to make sure there wasn’t a deeper issue.
He’s my nephew and his well-being is still my concern. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“It would say a small YTJ. I get the whole if you don’t like the food then cook for yourself thing. But I do believe there are exceptions. Like if he had told me he didn’t want any of it BEFORE you cooked and you sat down to eat, then I get it and support him cooking his own meal.
But she probably made food for a lot of people, and he just decided he didn’t want any. Was there an actual reason or just because he decided he wanted something else?
I think there is also something with respecting the person feeding you and spending time to cook for you, and learning you can’t just have everything you want all the time. Also, he is not your kid he is your sister’s.
Being a bit hungry will not hurt him, so don’t try to make him feel like his mother is a monster and then sneak candy to him.” Djiniii_123
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The rule about cooking for yourself is if you don’t like anything, it’s okay in some situations, but for a big holiday meal where there is lots of food and his mother has been cooking all day, this is not the situation where he should be able to do that.
There was plenty of food and he could have found something he liked. I think it was rude that he started cooking for himself despite there being a lot of other food that everyone else seemed to enjoy and didn’t have a problem with.” Livetorun123
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, don’t butt in with someone else’s parenting. Not to mention that kids need to learn to eat available food.
I’m not talking about allergies or food issues, but there are many, many times in our lives when we find ourselves in situations where we don’t have an option to eat something else (such as a wedding, or going to a friend’s house, a catered business meeting).
A big Easter meal is going to have a variety of food that he could choose from and find something to eat.
I think it sounds like a teenager move on his part to make a point of cooking something in front of his mom who has been slaving over a hot stove to prepare this. If he never learns to suck it up and eat the food he doesn’t love, what is he going to do at a wedding or a catered business meeting?
We all need to learn how to conform. I don’t mean that we have to conform permanently, in general, but we have to learn to be able to do it, when necessary, or life can be very, very difficult.” DogRescueLady
3. AITJ For Telling My Workmate Why I Replaced Her?
“I (33m) recently started a new job. My company bought out a smaller one in our industry and let me say that it was an absolute mess.
My coworker (50s, f) used to hold a sort of ‘Wear all the hats’ role. Director of Training, Quality Assurance, and Quality Control. After our company bought them out, they rolled me into the Director of QA role and let her keep the QC role.
The problem was, as my understanding goes, that her extensive purview caused various things to fall through the cracks, and not get done correctly. They basically had an AI system doing my entire job at one point.
Now for the problem – since I started, she has been undermining my work and authority, using the phrase I least love in a professional environment: ‘That’s how we’ve always done it.’
The company was profitable before I joined, but only because they were famously stingy.
Their website is about 10 years out of date, they don’t even have a mobile app, and they’ve outsourced all of their customer services to save on cost, it’s really just a bit of a bad event.
So anyway, one of my tasks has been to observe QC issues to ensure that our QA process aligns to correct them before they happen. Every time I have taken that task to her, she’ll take two hours to nitpick a single issue that doesn’t affect the outcome to the point that I’ve just started sending the work to our boss to have her run it back down to this peer and let her deal with it.
It finally came to a head when I uploaded to the final version of the QA process to our knowledge base. A day after the upload she sent me a message telling me that she had asked the KB admin to remove the document as she had not given final approval. I asked her who told her that she had final approval and the coworker said ‘Well, I am the director.’
I informed her that her title was director of QC, I’m the director of QA, and we both report to the Sales Enablement Department Head.
Thus, we are peers, and I have only sent her my work thus far as a professional courtesy, not for approval. She said that she built the QA from the day the company opened.
What I said was not my finest work, but itshut her up. ‘While the company seems to appreciate your work up to this point, it is apparent that something wasn’t working, other wise I would not have been hired to fill the position I am in.’ She said, ‘A restructure is not a demotion.’ I said, ‘This power trip might be more productive if it’s taken out on a direct report, rather than a peer.’ Then I walked out of her office.
She hasn’t said much to me since, which was the goal, but I’m worried I may have crossed a line with my phrasing. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And honestly you said it a lot nicer than I would have. I don’t think your response was rude but firm to the point. Unfortunately, her age difference along gives them the feeling of sway over you and your role.
I understand where her head is probably at, and I would take time to talk with your superiors to ensure they’ve translated your role and her current role to her very thoroughly so there’s no confusion on positions (maybe that’s been done already). But definitely NTJ.” mamawheels36
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
This woman may well suck at her job (and is clearly struggling with change and being scrutinized) – but you could seriously improve at interpersonal relationships- which are actually important to succeeding in an acquisition where you keep staff (as opposed to a straight asset acquisition).
I understand that you were hired to clean house, but a good chat about roles, duties, reporting lines, authority, and decision-making should have happened when you started. Especially when your titles suggest your responsibilities overlap.
The company sucks for not supporting you both better (and setting out a proper org chart for the new roles/reporting lines).
Also, the company was profitable before you came along. This woman may have areas where she could improve- but if she’s been doing 5 roles for a decade she isn’t as useless as you seem keen to imply.
I’m not as concerned with what you said to her as I am with your general attitude towards her (which is clear from your post).
I have worked through a lot of restructures. The best ones are where people find ways to learn and collaborate.” Cat_got_ya_tongue
Another User Comments:
“YTJ — I’ve been on the receiving end of a takeover. It strikes fear into the hearts of even the most loyal, dedicated, long-term employees.
Nothing good ever comes from a takeover concerning the taken-over employees. Instead of starting in a me-vs-her mindset, maybe you could have sat down and asked her to show you what she was doing. Take time to understand why it had worked (or not worked). Ask her how it was working — wearing multiple hats and scrambling all the time. You know… get to know her.
Now you have driven in a probably irreversible wedge, but it is still worth a sit-down. You have assumed all the worst — or at least your wording indicates that’s the case. Did you never think that maybe you’ve been misled by those who orchestrated the takeover?” JanetInSpain
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. The goal is not for her to not speak to you! It’s to have a collegial, professional working relationship. You should be meeting with your department head to get those lanes painted very clearly so that she stays in hers. Also, ask the KB admin (and your boss) whether/why she had the authority to order your QA process removed.
She’s being a jerk, but so are you.” karskipellis
2. AITJ For Reporting My Groupmate For Doing Nothing?
“We had to do this group project and there was this one kid who was a bit dumb and stupid. She got the lowest marks, didn’t know how to read English properly, etc. So since I was the group leader of our group, when our ma’am made our group, she involved the girl.
So because of this, I don’t ask her to do a lot of work.
She noticed this and said how she thinks that I think she is not good enough, which is partially true. I told her I don’t want to mess up anything and she said she wouldn’t. So I gave her a simple task to research the topic and write in Word and bring it to school tomorrow. She said fine and when I asked her about it today, she said she forgot.
I excused her and asked her to bring it the next day and she didn’t.
So then because of this, I told our our teacher who made her leave the group and do nothing. All my friends said it was the right thing to do because she was also annoying and didn’t do any of the work. But the kids who weren’t there in our group said that I was the jerk, am I?
Edit: This isn’t the first time these types of events are happening.
She has a reputation for not doing homework and submitting work properly. And her parents have been called many times.”
Another User Comments:
“It’s her responsibility to do her part in the teamwork, and procrastinating on things that will affect everyone is a jerk move
HOWEVER, you talk about her in the most demeaning way, behave as if being a team leader in a school project means being the boss when it’s being the organizer, and I even get a sense of the other student having issues due to language barrier (you said that she had difficulty reading English, not that she had difficulty reading).
You could have omitted half of the first paragraph and still given the relevant information, yet it seems you wanted to criticize her for other things (her intelligence and her abilities) which weren’t relevant to this post. That attitude towards others makes you an absolute jerk, it was downright cruel.
So yeah, telling a teacher that someone isn’t doing their part in a group project might be a fair thing and I might be on your side for that, but this story seems to be horribly one-sided and more of a ‘look how dumb this girl is’ than anything els.e” Slow-Bumblebee-8609
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
How old are you? YTJ for not showing kindness. Your words are cruel. One day you’re going to find out you are not the smartest person in the room. It may take years, but be warned karma has your name on it” Comprehensive-Hand60
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for reporting her. YTJ for insulting her like that. You don’t know what is going on in her head. She could not be good at one subject and be amazing at another.
Or academics could not be her thing, and she has talent elsewhere. Nonetheless, I understand you are upset, but insults will get you nowhere.” emdaawesome
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for the tone and language of this post. Ensure your English is above reproach if you’re going to use another’s lack as partial proof of stupidity.
While I’m sure you’ll get high marks for your assignment, you’ve failed decency 101 with your judgemental approach to people.” RascalBird
1. AITJ For Thinking My Mother Hates Me Because Of My Long Hair?
“I (M, 15) have recently been growing my hair out and my mother (F, 41) thinks that it’s godawful and embarrassing in front of her friends, which were her exact words. She’s also regularly tried to trick me into going into town to shop and get a little treat, just for me to find out through my aunt that she was trying to get me to leave so she can force me to get it cut.
I’ve mostly been ignoring what she says and does because everyone I know says it looks great, I keep it well maintained, clean, all of that. For info, I stay with my aunt (F, 38) and she adores it (also her words, lol.). Recently we had an Easter get-togetherer and it was fun except for near the end when we were all planning on leaving, a family friend said, ‘Hey OP, how’s your hair coming along? I think it looks great’ and I just smiled and tried to thank her but my mom butted in saying ‘it looks amazing if you ask me, didn’t I tell you?’
After she was done I said ‘No actually, you constantly got on at me for growing it out and you said it made you embarrassed to go outside with me, and you constantly tried to get me to come to (Town) with you just so you can force me into getting my hair cut.’
After I said this, she looked very angry and just ignored my comment, even though all of her friends and family members heard this and seemed surprised, shocked, or both.
Everything got a bit awkward and eventually after everyone left including me and my aunt, she sent me a long, pretty hurtful message which consisted of me being ungrateful for everything she’s offered me like getting my hair cut, insulting my hair in general ‘it’s never clean, you would look amazing with it short, look at all the photos we took of you with short trims, they were great (they were terrible photos, and I hated the hairstyle.)’ Then just more long messages consisting of random slurs and hateful comments.
My aunt read them and messaged my mom with what I can only assume are even worse comments on her for saying that. She told me to ignore her and as she was leaving, she murmured ‘that witch’ I believe.
So AITJ? I might be because I didn’t just comply and avoid a scene by cutting my hair.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she wanted to play fake when she’s around another family, you called it out for what it is.
And honestly, I’m not surprised you live with your aunt when your mom acts like this over hair. Makes me wonder what else she acts completely out of line over. I cannoooooot stand parents that don’t care how their kids wanna express themselves and try to force them into some appearance they want their kid to have.
Your hair is part of your self-expression! Screw her, enjoy your long hair and keep it as long as you want to! My husband has been growing his out over the last few years.
He’s had family tell him he ‘needs’ it cut and I can’t tell ya how QUICK I am to go ‘no, God, he doesn’t’. I don’t understand why people do the ‘you need your hair cut’ nonsense comments like… It’s not your hair and not your concern?? If you don’t like it, look away instead of trying to make me change myself to your liking.” Zestyclose-Hour8614
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I so hate this stigma that males can’t have long hair. I’ve seen plenty of guys with long hair that have taken care of it better than many women (including myself lol). Look at famous people like Jason Mamoa and Johnny Depp. Women (and men) literally fawn all over their long hair.
Your womb donor (let’s face it, she is not a very good mother. Especially considering you live with your aunt) is horrible for trying to force a 15yr old to cut his hair.
You have your own identity and rights to your own bodily autonomy. Good on you for standing up for yourself and good on your aunt for backing you.” Alphawolf5916
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, just consumed with irrational feelings of power. Every adult in this scenario knows full well that if your mother was really that offended by your hair, she’d take you to a barber shop and have it cut (which she could easily do since you’re a minor). You’re assuming all kinds of agency here that you don’t really have and the rest of the family is playing along. This too will pass.” DplusLplusKplusM
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