People Are Hoping To Get Our Response To Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
19. AITJ For Uninviting My Mom And Aunts From My Wedding?
“I (25M) am extremely lucky to be marrying the woman of my dreams, ‘Maya’ (24F). I’m originally American but moved to Norway when I was 19 to get a college education without paying anything. I met Maya when I was 20 and we’ve been together ever since.
We recently got engaged and our wedding is planned for this fall. I wanted to tell my family in person about it so we planned a trip to visit my hometown to announce it. This is the third time my parents (55M and 52F) are meeting her in person and the first for more distant relatives.
We had a big dinner at my aunt’s (57F, Debra) house where we announced it and most of my family was ecstatic and congratulated us. My mom, Debra, and one other aunt did not look that happy.
I didn’t really pay it much mind at first, but as the evening progressed, Maya told me she felt super uncomfortable with the glares she was getting from the three of them.
She’s quite shy and not very confident in her English, so we talked in Norwegian between the two of us for the most part. Of course, when talking with my family we spoke English, but I started to feel the chill from my mother’s glares whenever the two of us were talking.
I told Maya I’d be right back and I talked with my dad about what the deal was. He just kinda shrugged and told me, ‘You know how your mom gets with women you’re seeing, don’t worry about it she’s just upset to see that her son is putting roots down an ocean away.’ He was wrong about not needing to worry.
After dessert, my mom stood up and gave a toast:
‘Cheers to my son and his fiancé, she may not be the best woman for him, but I’m sure he’ll realize that once he sees what a flirt and gold digger she is.
Or maybe she’ll grow conscious and saves him from himself. Cheers.’
Maya left the room crying and there was a long silence (aside from my mom and aunt’s snickering) before I broke in and said: ‘You realize that the choice for who the most important woman in my life is hasn’t had you in the running for nearly a decade.
I actually love her and would choose a kick to the nuts over you. The three of you aren’t welcome at the wedding and Maya and I will be staying at a hotel for the rest of our time here.’ And then I left as quickly as possible with Maya.
I feel bad for putting Maya through that and don’t want her to have to deal with anything like that on what’s supposed to be one of the happiest days of our lives, but at the same time, I’ve been getting calls from my family about how unreasonable I’m being, that my mom was wasted and is just worried about me, etc., etc.
My sister (who is in no contact with our mother) told me that I royally messed up and probably burned most of the bridges with our family, or at least our mother’s side. And a lot of my mother’s side have said they won’t come unless I reinvite my mom and aunts.
My dad said he can’t come unless my mom can go, and he really wants to be there. I don’t know what to do and Maya said it’s my choice but she really doesn’t want them there. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You didn’t burn any bridges.
Your mom lit a fire and you walked away.
If she regrets it now and wants to build a new bridge to replace the one she burned, she should get crack-a-lacking on figuring out how she will apologize and make amends to Maya.
It’s really too bad there are so many people in your family who are unable or unwilling to see this, and it will be sad for them, and presumably for you (families are complicated) if they choose to miss your wedding over it, but not as sad as it would be for you and Maya if you were to enter a marriage with you, her, and the whole family knowing that when it comes down to it, they’re free to treat her poorly.” coitus_introitus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s pretty simple – Don’t bother inviting people who are so disrespectful (and unkind) to someone you hope to spend your life with.
Why can’t your father come to the wedding if your mum isn’t invited?
Your father is unfortunately in a very tricky position. But maybe it’s time for him to make a choice between his perceived sense of responsibility to his wife and doing what he believes is right/fair.
Moving on, his choices will definitely reflect in your relationship with him as your mother won’t make it any easier.
Goodluck OP. I hope your partner feels better soon and please don’t let her down!” lurchnpurge
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You NEED to put your future wife first.
She did nothing to your mother and aunts and they were vicious. Your dad sounds like a doormat. Using your love for him to basically blackmail you into inviting your viper of a mother is pathetic.
Don’t invite your mother and aunts.
And tell your father he should grow a spine for once and put you first. Your fiancé has said that it’s your decision but it’s not fair forcing her into your mother’s vicinity on what was supposed to be the happiest day of your life. I really don’t think your fiancé will be able to enjoy herself if your mother is there, plus there’s no guarantee that your mother won’t try to pull something at the wedding.” AlannaAdvice
18. AITJ For Not Telling My In-Laws That I'm Seeing Someone Again?
“I (39M) am a widower and single dad to 2 kids (10 & 8). My wife passed away due to health complications almost 3 years ago. After she passed, her parents moved to the city we live in to help with whatever they could.
At first, the help was greatly appreciated. But over time, it started to become too much. MIL especially has been overbearing in my opinion.
My in-laws live about a 5-minute drive away so they are at our house nearly every single day.
After multiple conversations, I finally got them to stop just showing up and to at least call or text first. But pretty much every day they have something they want to bring over or something they want to do with the kids.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m appreciative of the help, but at some point, I need some space too. I’ve told them this and they are starting to respect the boundaries I have put in place, but it’s been a slow and agonizing process.
Around the holidays this past year, I was talking with some friends about how lonely I’ve been and they encouraged me to start going out with someone again if that’s something I’m comfortable with. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to test the waters so I created a couple of profiles online shortly after the new year.
It was weird at first because meeting someone from the internet is something I’ve never done before and it definitely has a learning curve (especially for middle-aged tech doofuses like me). I’ve chatted with a few women but only gone on dates with 2 of them.
The first was only one date and I knew it wasn’t for me. The second went much better and this past weekend we went on our 3rd date.
To avoid a lot of awkwardness, I didn’t tell my in-laws about this because I wanted to see how I felt about the whole thing before bringing them into it.
I’ve used a friend’s teenage daughter as a sitter when I go on dates. But this past Sunday, my in-laws came over to see the kids and my youngest let it slip that they had a sitter the other night.
Of course, that led to a conversation with the in-laws about my personal life and it did not go well.
MIL got very upset and told me that I should have asked for their permission before I started going out with someone again. That annoyed me and I told her that I don’t have to ask their permission for anything and that her reaction is exactly why I haven’t talked to them about this yet.
FIL tried to call MIL down, but he still pretty much took her side by telling me that I should have at least had a conversation with them about this first. Both MIL and FIL told me that this is too soon and that it’s going to be hard on the kids.
I told them that I haven’t introduced any of my dates to the kids yet and I don’t plan to until I feel it’s the right time. I told them they are projecting their own feelings onto the kids and that just because THEY don’t think it’s the right time, doesn’t mean that their feelings get to dictate my life.
I understand they are hurt and still grieving. We all are. But the way they acted is exactly why I didn’t tell them in the first place.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Their grief is immense and I think they were kind of using the kids as shields to not feel it completely.
Your seeing other people is just another reminder that she is gone and life is still moving forward. They are also probably concerned about how they’ll fit into your life should you re-marry in the near future.
It’s an adjustment for all of you, but you don’t need permission to move on with your life and you deserve to be able to take these things at your own pace and divulge the information when YOU are ready.
Maybe a discussion about boundaries & reassurance that they will fit into your life moving forward is necessary.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You do not need anyone’s PERMISSION to date again since you are almost 40. Your in-laws don’t own you.
A lot of people say this when it comes to widows: would you really think your spouse would want you to be living this way? It’s not like you’re forgetting her, it’s just that you are moving on with your life and you want to love again.
You shouldn’t have to continue to be alone. If you feel like it’s time to date again, then go for it. Good luck out there and I’m sorry for your loss.” Gradtattoo_9009
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ
No, you do not need your late wife’s parents’ permission to start seeing other people again.
No, you were under no obligation to discuss it with them before you started seeing other people again.
No, you are not expected to live like a monk for the rest of your life. I’m sure your wife wouldn’t have wanted that for you, and I’m sure she’d be carefully doing the same thing if the situation had been reversed.
It’s been 3 years. That’s plenty of time to deal with your grief and begin the process of moving on. There’s no amount of time for your wife’s parents that will ever be enough, but that’s not your burden to carry.
You hold all the cards here. If they keep up this nonsense, restrict their access to the kids. If they bad-mouth you to the kids while you’re not around, do the same thing. Encourage them, as gently and patiently as you can, to seek counseling to get over their grief. Offer to go to a counseling appointment with them. Ultimately, you have to continue living your life, and your former in-laws need to figure out a way to continue living theirs.” 1800TurdFerguson
17. AITJ For Not Helping My Struggling Friend?
“My friend and I are both female just barely into our 30s. I have a 2-year-old son and she has a not quiet 1-year-old son.
My husband and I intend to try to have more than 1 child so we kept all of the clothes, bassinet, car seat, pushchair, etc.
stuff that our son has grown out of.
My friend, call her Sarah, came for dinner with her family on Wednesday. Her son made a mess of his clothes and I guess they didn’t have any spares in his baby bag. So I offered for Sarah to borrow some of my son’s stuff.
I took her to the loft and I have boxes and vacuum-sealed bags of my son’s stuff that he’s outgrown. She asked a couple of questions about what I have but nothing out of the ordinary. I let her pick an outfit from the 9-12 month box and left it at that.
At the time she just said thank you and the evening carried on normally.
This morning she sent me a long text about how given the fact that my husband and I are better off than her, and her family is struggling with debts, I should have helped her out by giving her the stuff my son doesn’t use anymore.
She called me unfeeling and a snob too.
I’m really shocked by all of this. I’m a stay-at-home mom, while Sarah and her husband each earn what my husband does. While I’m sure that they could maybe have debts I don’t understand her vitriol towards me.
I never knew they were struggling or needed help and I certainly didn’t intend to show off by showing her the stuff we have packed away!
Am I being a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s rude and entitled. They make double what your fam does and it isn’t on you if they lived outside their means and racked up debts you don’t have.
Also – if she never TOLD you they were struggling financially you wouldn’t have known to offer help in the first place. Another also – it is very common for parents to keep baby clothing for scrapbooks, quilts, or as in your case planned future children – especially single income households that can’t spend tons of funds rebuying baby clothing again.” AnyBioMedGeek
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Given that you had just helped her out, her message is incredibly rude and hurtful.
My response to something like this would be the following: ‘I’m sorry that you feel this way especially right after I willingly helped ~son~ out. If you had asked for support, I’m sure we would have done what we could, but please don’t expect me to read your mind.
I can’t know that you need help until you request it.’
Do NOT bring up your plans for future children, any salary comparison, or her debts in your response. You never respond to an entitled person/taker personality with reasons, because you give them control to argue down.
If she asks for hand-me-downs, give only what you are willing to permanently part with, and make it clear that she is ‘borrowing’. In case you don’t get the items back, you won’t be disappointed. You are also perfectly within your right to say no to anything she requests.
Again, a generic response. ‘I’m so sorry, but we just can’t do X.’ Never, ever give a reason!” OkSeat4312
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She’s not a real friend, she’s just looking to take advantage where she can.
If both she and her husband each make what you making then they are not struggling in any way.
unless they routinely live above their means and spend as soon as they make it.
Your ‘friend’ is rich and you ate comfortably. She just wanted something for free so that she didn’t have to spend funds on it.
She’s not a friend and probably hasn’t been for a while.
You need to send her a quick and short text. ‘Well, guess this ends our friendship’.” Intrepid-Database-15
What an entitled witch! You invite her to dinner, lend her clothes for her son (and what mother of a 1 year old doesn't have a change of clothes in the diaper bag?) and now she thinks she's entitled to your son's outgrown clothing? Who DOES that? Even if they think it, who SAYS that?
No, girl - your friend is an entitled mooch and your best move is to cut her off.
16. AITJ For Keeping My Ex's Dogs?
“My ex and I split up last year in the summer. She took off with some guy and not left me with her dogs. I managed to get ahold of her and I asked her what to do with the dogs.
She said she wasn’t coming back and that I should rehome them.
Since I already take them to the vet and stuff it wasn’t difficult to get the chip transferred to my name. And I paid the dog registration fee in my name this year.
So now I have two dogs that are well-trained and we already like each other.
I guess things didn’t work out for my ex because she is back in town. She saw me and my partner out walking my dogs and she is unhappy.
She said that I was supposed to rehome them, and since I got them for her then she had the final say on their disposition. She says that I’m a jerk for keeping something so meaningful from our relationship.
I just like dogs.
More than I liked her, to be honest.
But I don’t think I’m the jerk for not putting my dogs in a situation where they might get put down or adopted by someone who isn’t a good match for them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You did rehome the dog, it’s just your home. She has no obligation to the dogs anymore once she said to rehome them. You don’t owe her anything, as it’s your dog now and they are registered under your name. Your ex is just jealous that you have moved on and the dogs are happy with someone else that’s not her.” Willing_Second1591
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She abandoned the dogs.
She doesn’t get to demand you can’t be their home. She doesn’t get to use you as an instrument to take the dogs to a shelter when you are willing and able to care for them.
She doesn’t get to pick who adopts her dogs after she abandons them.
‘She says that I’m a jerk for keeping something so meaningful from our relationship.’
I get the feeling she was incredibly controlling. You don’t have to get rid of everything (including pets) that were meaningful while you were in a relationship with her because that relationship has ended.
And your relationship IS over, so what is she doing contacting you to yell at you over this anyway?” Kettlewise
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You couldn’t possibly be the less jerk in this situation.
Your Ex is over here abandoning living, feeling creatures that can’t understand why there’s a big change in their world and then getting mad at you for loving the dogs and giving them a good home and the stability they need.
Coming from a similar situation myself, I can only say this – considering how this played out and how you were already doing the vet stuff – I’d wager that what actually happened is that you kept your dogs that were, unfortunately, registered to the wrong person.
I hope your new pack is as happy as it sounds like.” Primren
15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Repeatedly Apologize For My Daughter's Upbringing?
“I (45F) had my daughter, CJ (now 28F) when I was 17 years old. Her father did not stick around and we really struggled for a bit. Even when I graduated college, I had a bunch of student loan debt as well as juggling rent, food, and other expenses.
CJ never lacked necessities, but I admit she didn’t get a lot of material possessions. I would try to save up as much as possible to make Christmas and birthdays as fun as possible, but she didn’t get much else throughout the year and we only went on 2 vacations total in her childhood.
We definitely ate a lot of struggle meals and had to move often. We honestly teetered on the poverty line.
When CJ was 17, I was finally debt free, got a promotion at work, and was doing much better. I did start to give her things throughout the year.
I used my bonus to take her to Disney World-somewhere she always wanted to go but couldn’t. It was nice that after years of struggling, I could spoil her a little.
She went off to college and at this time, I met my husband ‘Matthew’.
We got married and now have 2 kids together, ‘Jack’ (5M) and ‘Melissa’ (6F). With our combined incomes, we live quite comfortably. I admit, Jack and Melissa have gotten a lot more than CJ did at that age. I’ve certainly never left her out.
She’s always invited on our trips (we pay), I get her random gifts throughout the year, and birthdays and Christmases are bigger. I’m trying to make it as even as I can, but I know it realistically never will be.
CJ first pointed out the discrepancy a couple of years ago we took the kids to Disney (CJ went with us).
I sat CJ down and apologized for her childhood. I said I wish I had been in a better place when she was their age, I know I can never truly make up for it, etc. I said I know it’ll take time for her to heal from that.
I thought that was it, but since then, CJ has constantly complained whenever her siblings get anything. I’m always super sensitive to her feelings, validate them, etc. But things came to a head recently, on Jack’s birthday. Instead of a party, he opted to see the off-broadway production of Frozen.
We as always, invited CJ to come along, as well as her fiance. The whole night, she was pouting and seemed upset. I tried talking to her but she brushed it off. We went to dinner after the show. Jack and Melissa were excitedly talking about it.
CJ then butted in ‘You know what I got for my 5th birthday, Jack? A Barbie from the dollar store.’
The kids didn’t really see the big deal, but the adults at the table understood. I was civil for the rest of the meal but later called CJ and told her what she did was unacceptable.
I cannot continuously apologize for her upbringing and she can’t throw it in my face. I asked if she wanted me to give her siblings less, simply because she did. She said no, but that she can bring it up whenever she wants and she’ll continue to do so.
I said I was disappointed and hung up. Later, CJ sent me a very long text, telling me I was a horrible mother. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I think there are no jerks here.
I just think you have an eldest child whose dealing with childhood trauma, which could be from growing up poor to you possibly being spread too thin as a parent to offer the support her siblings are able to get during important moments she maybe hasn’t had the ability to express yet, to the lack of having her father in her life, etc.
I can’t say without knowing her side. I know as a kid who grew up poor, knew the fears of no food or housing, and had a mom who worked all the time that it impacted me, and It comes up in weird ways.
I once got mad when my partner drove me by his family home because it was nice and beautiful and I never got that. I once saw my 35-year-old sister break down crying cause my younger brother and I got to go on a trip, and it wasn’t because she couldn’t go then but because she never got that from our dad as a child.
Also, though of course, it’s not your fault, she may realize that your other children will always have a better running start in life than she had and that’s a painful pill to swallow, especially when you see it unfolding in front of you.
Even though she’s an adult, we all have an inner child that needs soothing and healing and she’s obviously still working on that. Again, I don’t know all sides but family therapy, doing more to incorporate her into your new family, and even letting her vent more about this could help even if it feels like a hard thing to do.
I also think it’s important that your younger children know that their older sister may struggle to see them get so many nice things because she didn’t, and it can teach them to learn about how the world works and why kindness and humility are so important, plus it’s part of being a family.
Other than that, I hope you two find a healthy conclusion so that your whole family can come together and find happiness with each other.” BogWitch17
Another User Comments:
“Not only are you NTJ, but major kudos to you for your accomplishments.
You had a kid at 17, as a single mother.
Yet, you still managed to not only graduate from high school but college as well. You also kept a leveled head and prioritized what little funds you did have. Would she have been happy to have more toys and less food?
You know what is more important than materialistic things? Love and attention, which you gave her.
I’m sorry that she doesn’t see it like that, and I feel bad for you that she doesn’t appreciate you trying to spoil her more as an adult. I can understand children being more materialistic, but she is 28. She knows the cost of living and the difficulty it must have been to do that single.
If she never says it, I will: Good job, Mom. You took a bad hand and made a beautiful life with it. You did nothing wrong, 100% NTJ.” churchhill2578
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here… But, at that dinner when she said that… man, I would’ve gone and given her a big hug and really acknowledged how much of a struggle it was just to get by.
Yes, in front of everyone. Yes, even though she was inappropriate.
She grew up in that. If you didn’t experience that poverty until later in your life, that’s a totally different thing. And you’re older. So, even though you’re moving on with life – she may only be starting to grasp how those experiences shaped her.
She’s perhaps only beginning to understand what she missed out on and how different her life may have been with more opportunities. That’s a challenge no matter what. But, watching that kind of life unfold for her siblings, is going to hit differently.
She’s going to need time to process and mature. I don’t think you need to endlessly apologize so much as you need to make sure you stay connected to her experience and your unique relationship.
Definitely let her know that it’s not okay for her to use your history as a weapon to hurt you, but that you’re always okay with listening and working through it together.
And just keep showing up! Therapy together might be really beneficial. It’s a lot to unpack!” MzKittenPi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your daughter is plenty old enough to understand you did the best you could under the circumstances you were handed. She was fed, clothed, cared for, and educated.
Above all, she was loved. By you.
Stop apologizing to her. It’s sad that all she remembers of her childhood is going without material things growing up, not your sacrifices or the fun times you had, even on a shoestring budget. At 28 years old, one would think she would have more perspective – there are children out there who have far less than she ever had growing up, and that being jealous of her younger siblings is ridiculous. At this point in your lives, she should be happy that she gets to share your success now that you’re thriving and in a position to enjoy life more.” SilentCounter6750
14. WIBTJ If I Refuse To Help My Mom Financially?
“I (24f) am a single parent and a student in college. My mom (51f) called me yesterday morning as I was getting my son ready for school and asked if I would go with her to view a wedding venue. I agreed she then asked if she likes it and will I help and put funds down for the deposit.
I was taken aback at first. I’m not very good at saying no and I have a feeling that’s why she asked me but also I’m not in the financial position to help anyone especially when I receive no help as a single parent and full-time student.
I know giving isn’t a tit-for-tat thing but when I have asked for her help in the past (never financial help, often it’s looking after my son so I can go to class) she’s either said no or if she does say yes she’ll continuously call me asking me when I’m coming back when we had already gone over it before I dropped him off.
When thinking about it I think I’m more upset as my younger sister is also in college and my mom will continually tell me she gets no help financially and she struggles so much in college but the same grace or thought isn’t given to me.
I’m still expected to help her whenever.
This isn’t the first time she’s asked for funds but it’s the first time it’s been this amount. I told her I’d think about it but the more I think about it the more irritated I get that she’d ask me.
So WIBTJ if I said no?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, literally how dare she?
This ‘no’ will be hard, and she will punish you for it emotionally and socially. But just… stay real with her, stay real with yourself, and prioritize taking care of your own well-being and peace of mind (doing so is usually a wildly effective and powerful buffer against demands and expectations, and people start treating you differently and with more respect and even liking you more once you establish the pattern of behavior.
People-pleasers are usually surprised at how much people like them more when they start standing up for themselves).” CherryWand
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this is so backward. Parents sometimes help their kids with a wedding. A parent asking a child to fund their wedding is shameful.
If she can’t afford a big wedding there are PLENTY of ways to do a smaller and still very tasteful wedding without spending boatloads of cash.
You have a kid to plan for, it doesn’t sound like you really have the cash, to begin with so please don’t do it.
If your mom really wants funds, give her 100 dollars as a wedding gift ahead of time. That would be the absolute maximum I would give her.
But even still I’d be so ashamed to take funds from my kids.” DoraTheUrbanExplorer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’m around your mum’s age and appalled that she would even ask.
You are a young single mother; your ONLY responsibility and priority are to your own household. Period.
If your mother were ill, or struggling to keep a roof over her head or food on the table, that might be a different situation.
But there is no world in which you are required to help her pay for her WEDDING at the age of 51. None. This is a joyous but entirely voluntary occasion, and she is an adult. If she cannot afford something for her event, then she needs to make alternate arrangements. None of this is yours to worry about, honey. Honestly, it’s a bit disgusting that she would even ask.
Take it from someone else old enough to be your mum: you are definitely NTJ.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
13. AITJ For Stopping Enabling My Sister?
“I 26 (f) have a 23-year-old sister who got pregnant by a scammer in her last semester on campus. The pregnancy was 7 months when she graduated. I wasn’t even aware she was pregnant till a week before the delivery. We come from a very dysfunctional family.
A very abusive father who has been in and out of jail all through our lives and a very busy mother who worked 2 jobs to provide for us.
I raised my siblings for as long as I can remember. I graduated at 25 due to financial issues but I’m happy that I’m finally out of school.
I’ve been doing odd jobs all through my campus life to provide for myself and add to what my mum earns to provide for my siblings.
After all the struggles we’ve been through I expected my sister to be more focused on starting her career and giving herself a better life but she got pregnant instead.
I’m still an intern so I barely make enough to support myself My sister is unemployed and expects me to provide for the baby. I try to help whenever I can but I’m almost losing my mind. The kid’s father is a deadbeat.
I can’t manage to take care of myself and still provide for them. I’ve told my sister that a few times but she doesn’t seem to care. I’m more concerned about the baby than she is yet she is the mother.
My mum offered to take care of the baby so that my sister can look for a job but all she does is sit in the house all day doing nothing. My mum does all the childcare apart from breastfeeding. I told my sister that I won’t be sending her any more funds if she doesn’t start looking for jobs.
I’m already in debt because of her. My mum developed back problems a few months ago so she can’t do much. Well, my sister has now started calling me all sorts of names saying I should help her because she is family.
I’ve been helping her my whole life and I’m getting tired of it. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She must be getting a little desperate pulling the family card, but she needs to adult.
Maybe think about and lay out a plan for her, such as you are going to need to get a job, and to do that you will need to wear these clothes and turn in a resume that I can help you with.
‘Here is the card of a lawyer who can deal with child support issues. Take it and run with it. Or don’t, but because you are family I am offering to help you with the resume and the contacts’. You’d be playing the family card back.
‘I work very hard for my funds, and I can’t be just handing it over to you, I need a future for myself. So the end of my financial support is’ (pick a close date, maybe within a timeframe that she can find a job), ‘and then we are off on our very own adult ventures, not tied together’.
Deadbeat.
Don’t say that last one.” DueMap4190
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and it looks like your sister needs more than a kick up her backside. Why do some people fall for the worst losers of all time and then ruin their life’s potential? Having a baby with no prospects is one of the worst things one could do and to top it up she doesn’t even want to work but expect you and your mom to care for her and the baby.
You have your life to look for and there’s only so much one can do as a sibling. You are well within your means to do as you please and it might be time you looked towards having a family for yourself as well.” SPolowiski
Another User Comments:
“It’s time to take a major step back.
Give her a two-week notice and then cut off the funds. Don’t even make a stipulation about the job situation. You’re completely cutting off the funds, period. She will now be fully responsible for herself. I realize you’re concerned about the baby, but your mom is there to oversee that part, or you can call CPS if you feel the baby is being neglected.
Yes, this may fall to your mother, but she is an adult, capable of managing her own problems. Let her manage it on her own.
As for your sister’s argument about family helping family, you can turn that right around on her.
A loving family member doesn’t make someone else go into debt when they are perfectly capable of providing for themself. A loving family member would provide for the child they brought into the world and not expect other people to do it for them.
NTJ. Harden your heart. It’s actually the best way to help the baby.” CPSue
12. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Just Accept Things As They Are?
“I was born into a blended family. My mom and dad both lost their first spouses. Mom’s first husband had died 4 years before she met my dad and my dad’s first wife died two years before he met my mom.
I had siblings from both parents’ first marriages. My dad had two kids who were 10 and 11 years old and my mom had three kids who were 12, 10, and 9. I was born soon after they married and growing up I was not close to my mom’s kids at all.
They did not like that mom remarried and had another baby (I almost feel like they thought that was an even bigger betrayal of their dad). They did not have any kind of closeness or friendship with my dad’s kids. They wanted nothing to do with Dad at all, or me.
With my dad’s kids, it was different. They loved me and even though they were honest and told me they wished their mom was alive still and would rather have that old family with her alive, they were happy to have me around anyway.
Even with the age gap I always felt like I was included by them and I knew they loved me.
I’m 19 now and I am still so much closer to my siblings than to Dad. I really don’t have anything to do with my mom’s kids.
I see them at best once a year. Their kids do not know me and I don’t really know my mom’s kids either.
It breaks my mom’s heart when she sees how close I am to my other siblings and I know that.
I remember her encouraging her kids to spend some time with me over the years and I remember her talking to them about me but it never did help much. My siblings (dad’s kids) invite me places, I interact with the kids they have and their spouses and sometimes we hang out as friends too.
Some friends and I were throwing a party a couple of weeks ago and my siblings and their spouses came. When Mom found out about it she asked about her kids and I told her they hadn’t been invited. She asked if I had given up on them and I told her I had accepted that they didn’t want a relationship with me.
She said she thought I might still want to try and how could I accept them not wanting anything to do with me? I told her she should accept it too. She told me she wanted me to invite them in the future.
I told her it won’t happen and that she needs to accept she can’t control who I invite. She was upset with me. I felt bad but also a little annoyed.
Mom has always been so understanding until this.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are old enough to decide that it’s time to give up trying to have a relationship with them.
They never gave you the chance from the start it seems you have given them too many opportunities. A mom is always going to want her children to get along, but she needs to stop trying to force the issue. She needs to understand that you have done everything possible to be the sibling to them they haven’t tried anything.” mikesspoiledwife
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your Mum isn’t a soft NTJ too.
You have every right to invite who you want to your gatherings. People who have hurt you in the past, don’t deserve you in your present or your future.
Having said that, your Mum is probably struggling a lot with the situation and the confirmation you’ve lost hope is probably a lot to process for her.
If she keeps this sort of demand up in the future then she might need some firm chats but I don’t see anything too wrong in her initial response.” Radiant_Composer_454
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mom is wrong for keep trying to push you to have a relationship with her other kids.
They are not interested in you and they showed you this all these years. You suffered enough and you finally understood and accepted it’s not your fault that they don’t want to have any sort of relationship with you.
Your mother should accept this is a 2-way street – her other kids aren’t willing to do a thing and they made it perfectly clear.
It’s not up to you to solve this. She should accept this too.” Dependent-Show2297
11. AITJ For Wanting To Have My Own Room?
“I (24F) and my fiancé (25M) are moving into a small 3-bedroom house together in a couple of months. I had never had my own room growing up and shared a room with a roommate in my current living situation to save up funds.
I always felt the need to share and felt guilty when I wanted to be alone in my room but couldn’t since someone else was there. The only time I had a room all to myself was when my roommate or sibling was away.
Even so, I didn’t feel like I truly had a room to myself.
When discussing the use of one of the spare rooms in our soon-to-be house, I mentioned wanting to turn it into a bedroom for myself when I want to be alone.
My fiancé was confused and said he wanted to use the spare room for an at-home gym instead. The other spare room will be an office for when my fiancé needs to work from home. I argued that he already has a claim over one of the spare rooms and I should be allowed to use the other one for myself.
I told him that I was looking forward to having a space all to myself, where I can be alone when I want, and am the only person that has access to it. He argued that the point of moving in together was to share everything with each other and not just coexist in the same space.
He said he would change his mind about wanting a gym if we agreed to turn the second room into a guest bedroom that both of us can use when we want to be in our own space. I feel like I would still be sharing.
If I have a room to myself to use and he wants to be alone at times, I can just go into my own room, and give him the space he wants. We would be splitting expenses 50/50 so I don’t think I am being that unreasonable.
AITJ for wanting to have my own room?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but you guys shouldn’t be living together, having your own space to decorate and claim is one thing – banning your partner/everyone from parts of a shared home because of an aversion to sharing may be seen as a lonely way to start living together.
The guest room is the best compromise, it’ll rarely be used for guests, you still decorate it exactly how you want, it’s still a bedroom and you get priority usage without having to ban people from it. An office is a lot different from a den, it’s not a leisure space it’s a workspace and you’re not banned from it.
I can see both sides but this truly should have been discussed BEFORE BUYING A HOUSE!
HOWEVER. I think moving in together might be rushed. Live on your own, have the space all to yourself, and give yourself what you were missing as a child before embarking on the next steps in your relationship.
You both need to get on the same page together or it’s just going to breed resentment. If it turns out that this is something neither of you wants to budge on then it’s an incompatibility issue and you need to find someone who also wants strict access to certain rooms.
It’s absolutely okay if you want to do that and have that as a dealbreaker but not everyone would be happy with it.
I personally wouldn’t be comfortable being banned from parts of our house, neither of us claims rooms and we decorated together as if we were a team.
If either of us wants time to ourselves it’s never an issue and never has to ban the other person as we respect each other. But I guarantee there are many people out there who want to live the same as you so having strict rooms for each other wouldn’t be an issue.” TheSuperAlly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if you are moving into a 3 bedroom house, and you both share one bedroom to sleep in, and you are sharing expenses equally – your fiancé can not FAIRLY claim both other rooms for himself (gym and office.) His COMPROMISE is that he gets one of the rooms to himself and he ‘shares’ the other two with you.
You’re allowed to ask for a room of your own. You don’t need to justify why you want it, it could be a home library, an office, a craft room – whatever you want. You do not, I repeat, DO NOT, need to justify wanting one of the two spare rooms to claim for yourself.
Die on this hill. This is your fiance showing you. ‘What mine is mine, what is yours is also mine.’ Which is total nonsense. You don’t want a future with a partner with that selfish of a mindset. You can ask for fair.
And you don’t need a reason or justify why you expect fair.” DragonFireLettuce
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The optics on this are not good. You are literally telling him you will be avoiding him at will. You want a roommate, not a partner.
Go and live on your own and get it out of your system. Maybe you will discover you didn’t want to live with anyone at all.
The fact you haven’t bothered to before is all on you. He will leave you. You are using him.
This is absolutely the worst way to start living with someone, and you absolutely should have told him this BEFORE you moved in.
My experiences of living with women are that ALL the house is theirs!” Pitmus
Another User Comments:
“OP, your fiancé had a vision for his home: a bedroom with you, a quiet office for him to concentrate on, and a home gym or guest room.
He got excited to finally have the space he needs to work, entertain, relax, etc. He was so happy to have someone help pay for this great vision.
But he forgot one thing: you are a person whose needs and wants are just as important as his.
Your vision for the house—what does that look like?
It is not typical to have a room that your partner cannot enter, but the same goes for your fiancé and his office. What are the rules about his office? Can you knock and enter, or never go in?
It is entirely possible that the idea of him not being able to enter a room in the house makes him uncomfortable.
Just as not having a space for yourself makes you uncomfortable. Sit down and talk about how the rules for each spare room should be the same; either they are entirely private for each of you, or they are more accessible with each person having a bit more ownership.
You both deserve to be comfortable in the space.
NTJ, because he started this whole thing by trying to walk all over you (intentional or not) and because he still considers it fair if you get less control than him.” moreKEYTAR
10. AITJ For Not Socializing During Volunteer Work?
“I’m volunteering at a local food bank because they need extra hands and my mom also volunteers there. It’s pretty much 90% women and 10% men. The guys have been dragged in by their partner or family. Recently, they have been telling a few of the women that they are bothered that I’m not seen talking or socializing with any of the women at the food bank.
I’m not really sure what bothers them. I talk with them when work needs to be done. I’m friendly and respectful, but I don’t talk to any of the women much outside of the work required. During my breaks, I would read a book or go on my phone, or hang out with the other guys.
None of the women have come up to me just to chat during the past 3 months of volunteering.
I feel like my mother is pressuring me to talk with the other women. She pointed out that a few of the women go to my university, and one is in the same course.
I recognized her, but we have not spoken at the food bank or at uni.
My supervisor even pointed out that she noticed I’m not in the group WhatsApp. She talked about how she’s not seeing me talk much with anyone in my group, and it’s annoying because I feel like she’s overstepping her boundaries.
At the same time, I can’t help but question if I’m in the wrong for not spending a few minutes speaking with the women there, and I’m uncertain if I’m handling the whole situation terribly. Please remember that this is a throwaway account.”
Another User Comments:
“Going to say NTJ so long as OP is appropriately friendly, professional, and approachable in the course of work duty.
I am extremely introverted myself and a result don’t make small talk easily and would rather use lunch spent recharging with a book or game on my phone if I hadn’t connected with any of my colleagues. In most work environments forced socializing isn’t a thing, curious that it is here.
Also, if the people are that concerned about it, they should be aware enough to think, ‘Hey, maybe I should approach OP and make a friendly overture. They seem quiet and perhaps a bit shy.’ Talking behind someone’s back or having management-mandated social time isn’t the way to get what they want.
Honestly, I’d find another place to volunteer at.” ABeerAndABook
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are right – your supervisor is overstepping boundaries. How you spend your personal time is entirely up to you. When you volunteered, you did not make a commitment to give up your personal life to the organization.
This is like a job – when working, you are working. When not, your time is your own. And you most certainly are not obligated to associate with your coworkers on social media.
Basically, if you want to maintain a wall between your work and home lives, that is your prerogative.
Also, your supervisor, when they are saying they don’t see you talking with your coworkers, they are saying that you are wrong for not being an extrovert like the rest of them, and this is so wrong.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are there to do a job.
When it’s your break time you are 100% allowed to do what you wish. As long as you are not actively avoiding conversations on a professional basis you are fine.
People talk, you just happened to be the topic of conversation in their mundane lives for the day. Keep doing your job as is.
It wouldn’t hurt however to try and be more social if that is their concern as in asking how they are or greeting them.” Voidg
9. AITJ For Not Wanting To Hear About My Stepson's Dad Anymore?
“My wife and I got married last summer. I have a son (14) and a daughter (12) with my ex-wife and my wife has a son (7) with her ex-husband. We all moved in together in late 2021. My kids get along great with their stepbrother and they adore my wife.
I have had a trickier time bonding with my stepson. We have my kids every other week and my stepson goes to his dad’s every other weekend.
My stepson is a massive daddy’s boy. His dad takes him on some kind of ‘adventure’ every weekend they’re together.
He is always talking about what he is going to do with his dad or what he and his dad did at the weekend. Which is annoying but fine. However, recently he keeps comparing me to his dad. Saying things his dad would do differently or telling me his dad can do something so I should be able to too.
Last weekend we went camping, which is something we’ve not really done before as a family. When it came to building a campfire my stepson started complaining I was doing it wrong (I was following a YouTube tutorial) and tried to interfere with what I was doing.
Then he said ‘How are you a man who doesn’t even know how to make a fire’ before going on to talk about how his dad could light a fire with a stick. I was already stressed about the whole weekend and I ended up snapping at him and telling him to shut up about his dad.
Obviously, I was in the wrong for snapping. After finishing the fire I went to apologize to him and let him know I was in the wrong for talking to him like that. I did, however, reaffirm that I would like it if he stopped talking about his dad so much.
Later in the week, he must have said something to my wife about not being allowed to mention his dad. She is now mad at me for having this discussion with him even though I know she finds it annoying as well.
In truth, I have always felt self-conscious about my wife’s ex-husband as he is a very stereotypically masculine guy (ex-marine) and I’m the opposite. My wife’s sister called me an ‘over-correction’ to my face a few months into being in a relationship.
It’s also frustrating to see how much my stepson idolizes his dad when he doesn’t know how much his dad hurt his mom. He had an affair, was abusive, and continued to financially mistreatment her post-separation. His dad has refused to have any more custody time with his son and even when we went on our honeymoon last year he sent his son to his moms rather than look after him himself.
I know how much it hurts my wife to see her son favor his dad when he does the bare minimum as a father and damaged her so badly.
AITJ for suggesting he stops talking about his dad so much?”
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ
I get why this is frustrating and annoying and why you have feelings of resentment about the rugged dude type stuff compared to this guy even though logically your brain knows the ex was abusive and treated your wife awful and isn’t really all that great to his kid considering he only wants the bare minimum time with his son.
But the kid is seven. You are an adult. Of course, he idolizes his dad. Of course, he’s talking about his dad because he misses his dad. His dad is barely in his life (like 4 days a month) and talking about him when he’s not there is probably his way of trying to keep him present somehow.
So I think your job as an adult is to change the subject. Not by saying ‘Don’t talk about your dad’ but by redirecting. ‘Hey, Stepson, help me start this fire.’ Give him the stuff to do. Get him engaged with you.
You won’t ever replace his dad and that’s okay. You can still be a great, super positive force in his life and over time as he gets older and more socially aware, this behavior will probably naturally decrease on its own.” avocadosdontbite
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for telling him to talk about his dad less point blank.
YTJ for thinking that his dad’s crappy behavior is something that the child should be taking into account without knowing about it, or that it should be added into this right now – that’s a delicate thing that needs a big strategy and deep conversations between you and your wife before you approach it because as right as it sounds like you are, trying to ‘damage’ his image of his dad is going to backfire on you guys first imo.
You are absolutely NTJ for sounding to me like a much better father figure in general though. Sounds like this is hard for you and being the jerk for snapping is something I can see as ‘nobody’s perfect’ even if a jerk move at the time.
But you apologized for that part.
What you need to do is have a talk with your stepson that is absolutely NOT about talking about his dad less, but explaining that you’re a different person who doesn’t want to be negatively compared because that hurts you and you’re not trying to be him.
Not because you don’t want to hear about his dad. Yeah, there are things you’re not good at – like building a fire – but you have plenty of different skills too, just like every person. And that those skills are really valuable too.
People are different. You’re different from his dad and also have a different relationship with him than his dad does. You don’t want to replace him. Offer to meet in the middle with you not saying you don’t want him to talk about his dad, but ask if he can respect there’s no need for comparisons or being rude… you get my vibe.” frangipanfried
Another User Comments:
“Yeah man, YTJ.
You said so yourself that you’re self-conscious about your wife’s ex. You list all the bad things he did to her, but that doesn’t impact your relationship with her at all. Either you believe she’s with you because she loves you and recognizes the value of who you are, or you shouldn’t be together.
In terms of the 7-year-old child in this scenario, you’re out of your mind. Of course, he’s going to idolize his big strong dad who only ever takes him when it’s a fun adventure. He isn’t a parent, he’s a camp counselor.
So take a deep breath. Your stepson, unless he is an absolute idiot, will eventually see that you’re a man in his life he can count on, and his dad is just a fun guy who bounces whenever he wants. In that time, your stepson will come to rely on you, trust you, love you, and value the relationship you have. But that can only happen if you don’t act jealous of the deadbeat who fathered him.
He says you’re building the fire wrong? Ask him how to do it right.” Cuthbert_Allgood19
8. AITJ For Staying In Bed On Weekends?
“Me (38M) and my wife (39F) have 2 sons (5 and 10). On school days we would get up at 6:40 am to get them ready for school. Occasionally, she’d sleep past her alarm and get up later to help (say 6:50 or 7).
Some mornings, she’d sleep through her alarm entirely, and I’d have to get them ready alone. It’s not a huge deal, but it’s a bit frustrating. Some mornings, I know I’ll be going alone because she has an appointment later in the morning, which is understandable when those come up.
One morning, I was dealing with back pain and could barely move. I asked my wife if I could stay in bed and ‘sleep it off,’ but she insisted she needed my help getting the boys ready for school, so I reluctantly got up to help.
At one point, my wife ran out of one of her medications, and that was why she would sleep through her alarm, she claimed. I was still frustrated but was more understanding.
One night before bed, however, she found some, and I thought she’d start helping again.
That’s when she threw all pretense out the window and just stopped setting her alarm. I’ve told her how much this frustrates me because if I decided to sleep in, the boys would miss the bus for school, but I’d always get an excuse, some of which I totally understand.
I have often brought up the one time I ASKED to sleep in only to be shut down because of her medications (she has depression and a thyroid condition and takes a near pharmacy to treat both) but I have sleep apnea so I figure it balances the scale somewhat.
I’m also almost always the first parent up to deal with whatever 2 little human tornados have gotten up to while we’re still in bed. Some mornings, I refuse to get out of bed before my wife because I feel like I shouldn’t have to always be the one getting up to deal with the boys 7 days a week.
AITJ for being frustrated by this seeming double standard about getting up with our kids in the morning and passive-aggressively staying in bed while they do god knows what on the weekends?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your wife sounds all over the place. She may need to reflect on her routine and get back into a healthier space.
Being a stay-at-home mom with health problems is probably really difficult and maybe she isn’t in an organized place right now, especially with medication mishaps. She needs to get back on track because it isn’t fair for you to be the only one caring for your kids in the mornings.
Maybe the two of you need to sit down and come up with a schedule or routine that works for both of you because you’re both parents and your kids deserve a less hectic and more organized family structure.” lavender_belle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but stop beating around the bush so much.
I know you told her once it was frustrating, but it’s time to have a discussion.
SOs don’t simply intuit how we’re feeling because we’re feeling that way. It seems you let your frustration go on too long without saying much about how you’ve felt and now when you approach her now, you might seem disproportionately angry.
You’ve left out a lot of details. Is she a stay-at-home mom? Does she work? How late do you both work and go to sleep? Do the kids respond to your parenting differently?
Medical issues aside, it’s totally normal to expect your partner to contribute equally but you need to have an honest conversation about your expectations.
Or else it’s not really that surprising she’s not meeting them.” jour_ney
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your wife is a bit of a jerk though as she’s not even trying to make an effort of getting up in the morning. I understand her struggles, even though I ‘only’ struggle with depression (and anxiety) I have to take sleeping medications for it which makes me sluggish in the morning, but using the illness as an excuse to even try to get up is just not okay.
Especially considering that she is a stay-at-home mom and the boys are in school, she could easily get them up and ready and then go back to bed once they’re on the bus. She’s not living up to her responsibility and I would sit down and have a serious conversation with her.” Smooth-Tie-9825
7. WIBTJ If I Call Myself A Mom?
“My parents died in a car accident when I was 22. They left behind me, my little brothers (16, 13), and my baby sister (1). While grieving their death, we also had to figure out who would take care of my baby sister.
I had just finished my studies and was looking for a job, but all of my relatives were living abroad. Wanting to keep my sister close to her brothers, we decided that I should be the one to adopt her. My grandparents moved in temporarily with us to help me raise her and my brothers.
My sister already started calling my parents Mama and Dada but didn’t have a name for me yet. You can only imagine how surprised I was when she started calling me Mama. At first, I tried to correct her to use my first name, but she insisted on calling me Mama.
Once my grandma told me that my sister probably saw in me what she saw in my late mom, I felt so proud of myself and wanted to embrace it. So I also started referring to myself as Mama next to her, and it was almost as though that nickname also altered the way I treated her to be even more maternally.
She’s now 10 and still refers to me as if I were her mom. She obviously knows that I’m her brother, but we’ve been playing this mother-daughter game for too long that I’ve practically become her mother. As a gesture, I also started referring to her as my daughter.
I stopped caring about others’ opinions on that matter long ago, I’m not questioning my masculinity or my orientation, this is just an affectionate nickname. I feel proud of calling myself a mom, it’s my greatest achievement in life, I’ve earned something that most men haven’t.
It did affect my past relationships though. Some people just can’t accept a straight man calling himself a mom. I’ve been with my partner (27) for 2 months now, and I’m pretty sure she’s the one for me already. She finds it cute that I’m comfortable with my sister/daughter calling me mom, and they get along very well.
The only problem is her parents. My partner comes from a very conservative house, and she’s certain that her parents wouldn’t be too fond of me calling myself a mom.
Now, I’m going to meet them for the first time this Saturday, and I’m sure they’ll ask about my family and I want to be honest with them from the start.
My partner thinks this is a bad idea and that it’ll leave a very bad impression on them, and suggests just never mentioning it to them because it’s not that important. I don’t agree with her, because sooner or later they’ll find out, and I think it’d be better if I just dropped it now instead of trying to hide it.
I plan on telling them, and if they don’t like it, then so be it, they’ll have to get used to it eventually. Obviously, when I’ll have my own kids I’ll have them call me dad. WIBTJ for doing that against my partner’s concerns?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – you need to be honest with your partner’s parents, but your partner is also right to be concerned about how they react (particularly on your first visit).
Introducing yourself with ‘I’m a mama’ might not be the best move, but saying something (at an appropriate point in the conversation) like ‘I’ve adopted and brought up my baby sister, she insisted on calling me ‘mama’ when she was 1 and it’s stuck, so I call myself her mama’.
That’s being completely honest and gives the context that explains why you call yourself her mama. You should probably tell your partner that you’ll explain this when an appropriate moment arises (e.g. if they ask if you have any siblings); if they really can’t accept this, then it’s better to know sooner rather than later.” AceOfGargoyes17
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you would be a jerk for it, but I’d probably listen to your partner, she’s probably spent a lot of time handling her parents’ conservativity, so she probably has some expertise.
If the topic comes up, I’d just tell them that she’s your sister and adoptive daughter. If your daughter is around and refers to you as Mama, I’d just act like she called you dada and if her parents bring it up just act like it’s strange that they brought it up at all.
It is strange, to be honest, for them to bring it up. Her reference to you as mama because she sees you as her mom is probably the sweetest story I’ve ever heard, and I’d gaslight all the conservatives in the world on a whim, let alone for a legitimate reason like this.
NTJ but if you wanna be, it’s justified.” 420CowboyTrashGoblin
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. But if it costs you a relationship does it matter what we think?
You are right that they will find out eventually and will have to get over it.
However, she is right that it probably won’t be the best first impression.
There is a reasonable compromise between ‘tell them the first time I meet them’ and ‘hide it for the rest of our relationship’. Like even the second or third time would be a lot better.
Also, it’s definitely weird even to people who aren’t super conservative. Not with you being given a parental title but with you being given the one meant for women when you have always identified as a man. It would be like Tom Cruise calling himself an actress.
Like, men can be loving, nurturing, wonderful parents too. It’s weird that you say being called mama maybe you be more ‘maternal’ which points to some gender stereotypes you hold about parents.” gdddg
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s your family. If she is going to be in your life her family is going to find out eventually.
If they don’t approve because of their conservative politics you can always point out that you went out of your way to keep your family together and adopt them. It’s a nickname and provides comfort to a kid who lost her parents.
The real question would be how your partner may respond in this situation.
Is it a tad weird? Yeah. But you tried something else and she insisted you’re Mama. You made an effort to ‘correct’ this already and it’s clearly not going to change until she wants to change how she addresses you.
If anything, it shows you listen to others and care for your family (family values are also conservative points).
Honestly, this seems like a green flag as well. Could simply address this topic as ‘I want to make my family happy’ and how your family Is already atypical/nontraditional due to the circumstances.” RedStradis
6. AITJ For Not Apologizing To My Sister-In-Law?
“I am the kind of person who will apologize immediately any time I am aware of being in the wrong. But if I do not see that I was wrong, no power in the verse can make me apologize.
A while back, right after I got engaged, my brother and I started fighting because he didn’t like my fiance.
This went on for a couple of months through the engagement. After one phone argument, I was so angry and hurt that I didn’t even have the words to say goodbye, so I just hung up on him. I deliberated about whether or not to invite him and his wife to the wedding but decided that it was petty to withhold an invitation.
I mailed it to them, but it came back because I didn’t have their correct address, so I stopped by their place to drop off the invitation personally.
My brother texted me about 20 minutes after I left and asked if we could get some lunch together, which we did the next day and he started the conversation by telling me how I’d hurt his feelings in the past couple of months, including hanging up on him.
I agreed that I had acted badly and apologized for everything. He said that he hadn’t expected me to apologize. He was just going to lay out his side and demand an apology, which I was going to refuse to give and then he was going to walk out and leave me there alone.
Instead, we had a big clearing-the-air conversation over lunch and parted ways in a very good place. With him saying he missed me and sharing a big bear hug. As I pulled out of the parking lot, I saw him sitting in his car on his phone.
On the drive home, my phone chimed in a couple of notifications and when I got home and checked it, my brother had texted me. It was an angry text with a demand that I apologize to his wife for three things – hanging up on him; showing up unannounced at their condo.
Since SIL’s own family wasn’t allowed to come over without calling first. And this was the second time I had done this. (The first time was to drop off a birthday card for him.); calling her drama. And that if I didn’t apologize to her, my brother was cutting me out of his life for good and I would not be allowed to have anything to do with them again.
So I responded to this apology demand saying that I absolutely WOULD apologize to her for showing up unannounced because even though we had grown up with an open door to family policy, I only wish they had communicated how they felt about this earlier.
However, I refused to apologize to her for hanging up on my own brother because it was between me, and him and I had apologized to him and that should have been enough for her. I also refused to apologize for calling her drama, because if he brought her into the conversation, it was his responsibility to clear up any misunderstanding.
His response was ‘Bye Felicia’.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
SIL didn’t even show up until almost the very end of your story, and even there her idea of apology seems unreasonable at the very least.
You do not owe her an apology for something that didn’t involve her, no matter how you try to spin the story.
You and your brother had a falling out, you cleared out everything, and the matter is all set. If she got a problem with it, that’s on her, not you.
However, brother acting this way is… disappointing. He should deal with SIL by himself and not drag you into the mess or make demands.” Teel1ng
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I agree with you 100% in your reasoning for refusing to apologize for something that didn’t involve her and for admitting that you were in the wrong for showing up unannounced and agreeing to apologize for the infraction. I believe your refusal for not offering an apology for her being “drama” speaks for itself when she/brother demanded one.
Sadly, our loved ones can be completely manipulated by their significant other and believe they’re acting chivalrous when blindly defending them without any real and legitimate reason(s).
They will, unfortunately, learn the hard way that instead of alienating those family members who disagree with them will only leave them alone in the end.
They’ll become completely dependent upon their significant other which will make them feel more alone than ever because they know you have no one else to turn to for support. I can only hope that when their loved one comes back around, seeking support and love from those they isolated, that they’re received with compassion and understanding that they were simply blinded by the love they had for the SO.” imhereforfun72
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
See, this is why I hate the entire ‘your SO is now your family, you must choose them over everyone else in your life no matter what, every single time or you are a bad person’.
It’s ridiculous and hurtful to the people in your life you have known for years and have most likely had your back for years to toss them over in favor of your current SO. It shows exactly how little you think of them and, in my opinion, is the end of the (previous) relationship.
I understand being infatuated with a new SO but if you can drop me with no regret, make ridiculous demands and then expect to pick up where we left off later? Nope, you made your bed, now lie in it.
PS: SIL is definitely drama.” the_owl_syndicate
5. AITJ For Calling Out My Partner's Being A Slob?
“Recently my partner moved in with me a couple of months ago into my home due to her being on bad terms with her parents. Living with her has been a little bit of a struggle because she’s a very messy person.
She leaves her clothes everywhere on the floor & the bed. Can’t be bothered to fold or hang up her clothes in the closet. I swear she uses our bed as a closet. She sometimes brings food into the room & doesn’t throw it away.
even worse she sometimes puts the garbage under the bed so I don’t complain about it.
I don’t even want to get started on what the bathroom looks like, I had to start using the guest bathroom
I understand that having depression can make it harder for someone to take care of themselves & their environment.
But I feel like there is a limit to where you’re just using it as an excuse to just do whatever & not care. Especially when you’re living in someone’s else home.
I keep telling her to clean up after herself & that I’m tired of cleaning up after a grown woman & she always responds with that she has depression & ADHD.
Which I don’t see how that’s an excuse. You have depression, sure. How does that make you leave garbage everywhere & be a slob? I don’t get it. You’re an adult. Act like it.
She got angry & accused me of not caring about what she is going through & called me an unsympathetic moron.
Apparently, I’m not being supportive & understanding of her mental health because I have a problem with her treating my house like it’s a garbage dump.
Am I the jerk here? I feel like I was overly harsh because I probably could’ve addressed this issue in a friendlier way, but after many attempts of trying to get her to be cleaner & pick up after herself, I just had enough.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Mental illness is a complicated man. Depression is the cause of all of those things you’re talking about. It can even cause issues with what is called executive function – in practice, it’s more helpful to think of depression as a disability than a mental illness, because depressed people straight up CAN’T function, going well beyond not wanting to.
What she’s doing is not rooted in disrespect for you.
But it doesn’t absolve an individual from all personal accountability either. And they can bring the negative traits they had before they were depressed and they become amplified. How does one judge that?
You have a choice to accept her as she is and support her.
You also have a choice not to. Neither would make you a jerk.” CobraPuts
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – the hiding stuff under the bed is where I draw the line. That’s disgusting and it sounds like she isn’t taking responsibility for her problems.
I get it, as someone with schizoaffective-depressive disorder and ADHD, it can be hard to function normally sometimes but it’s not an excuse to just not try, which is what it sounds like here.
You shouldn’t be forced to live this way.
If you’ve talked about it multiple times and she doesn’t seem like she’s making an effort, then you need to rethink her living with you.” Geekrock84
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. The issues you have listed are definitely some of the main struggles with depression and ADHD.
But that doesn’t mean you have to live in filth in order to be supportive of her, nor do you need to clean everything alone. Her mental illness explains the issues, but it doesn’t excuse them. She has to find some kind of treatment that helps her function, simply allowing and excusing or enabling her illness will only push her further into it.
To use a metaphor, it’s like a person with the flu saying they need you to support them by watching them hack and sneeze and throw up, etc, but refuse to medicate, shower, hydrate, or eat chicken soup, etc. It’s okay to struggle with these things, it isn’t okay to neglect treatment of them.
Good luck to you both.” dblfistedfuschia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Compassion is called for here, if she is depressed, and there are plenty of nice ways to tell someone to pick up their crap. ADHD can present challenges; they’re not insurmountable. (As someone with ADHD.)
However, she doesn’t get to use that as a banner to destroy your living space, especially when she’s living in your apartment.
Then, she’s hurting your mental health. (And physical health—the food thing is a literal health hazard.) She needs to seek treatment, if it’s that bad, and work out effective strategies for maintaining a minimum of cleanliness if she’s not living alone.” worhal
4. AITJ For Pointing Out My Mom's Heavy Drinking During An Argument?
“My mother struggles with heavy drinking. One of the other problems that come with that is she gets accusatory, belligerent, and abusive at random. Past outbursts might look like her screaming at my father all night long, her screaming at everyone all night long, throwing out wild accusations that don’t add up logically in any sense, digging up past trauma of her loved ones and throwing it in their face, etc.
Said outbursts are usually substance fueled. In this particular instance, she accused me of being on fentanyl. Her reasoning being that I was ‘moving’ like someone who takes fentanyl on the doorbell camera. I assured her I was not on fentanyl, I don’t even have the funds for it nor would I seek it out or even know how to do so.
Despite my trying to reason with her, she wouldn’t let up. The reason I was ‘moving like I was on fentanyl’ was that I was coming home after having a couple of beers at a friend’s house and I’m a lightweight.
I tried to tell her that and she said ‘No. A couple of beers doesn’t make you move like that don’t give me that crap’ then called me a pathological liar.
So, in the heat of the moment I turned around and said ‘Oh yeah sorry, I forgot you’re not exactly familiar with drinking in moderation.
That’s why we’re here now, isn’t it? The only addict here is you.’ I instantly regretted it, because that’s something she came to me and broke down about multiple times. She went quiet, and when I tried to apologize she told me to ‘shut my mouth’ and began to cry.
She then said ‘You’re low. I thought I raised you better than that.’ and it shattered me.
I’m having a really hard time with this because on one hand I felt very provoked and the situation was incredibly stressful and upsetting, but on the other for me to go there was too far, and I fear I’m no better than she is.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, so your sloppy wasted mom can’t take it when you finally fire back? And she’s right, she didn’t do much ‘raising you’ at all from the sound of it. You told her the truth, she is a heavy drinker, and it would indeed take more than a couple of beers to get wasted.
I myself don’t drink often so I can feel the buzz after only a couple as well. You need to get away from this mistreatment, and not feel guilty about what you said. You told her the truth, and the waterworks and the ‘low blow’ comment were to make you feel guilty.
You should not feel guilty about being fed up with the mistreatment. But it’s time to leave and remove yourself from her toxicity, you’ve already been through enough.” BigNathaniel69
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother is toxic and you don’t even realize it – that’s how toxic her parenting is.
She’s a heavy drinker. As for raising you better, that’s just the heavy drinking and talking trash like they do. Don’t let her manipulate you. I don’t know how old you are but you may want to find an Al-anon or some other support group because your home life is unhealthy.
As soon as you put some distance between you and her you won’t be able to truly see the damage she‘s doing to you. I’m sorry.” No-Personality1840
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are better than her because you just put a mirror to her face.
She on the other hand just puts you down with every option she has, even projecting her own shortcomings (like her addiction) onto you so she can feel superior. Same with trying to guilt trip you by saying she raised you better than that.
Until she apologizes to you for her horrid behavior and starts working to stop her addiction you have nothing to apologize for. Stay strong don’t let her manipulate you onto becoming her punching bag.” CrankMike
3. AITJ For Never Wanting To Forgive My Mom?
“When I (30m) was young, my parents divorced and I had to move away with my mom. Not far only an hour. To a house my grandma owned. But I moved schools and away from friends. Countless times I would ask her if I could go back (Move back to Dad’s) and She would beg and cry and plead with me to stay and not leave her alone.
Fast forward I’m now 15 and Mom meets a man. He’s distant. Doesn’t really put in any effort to get to know me. He’s just kind of there. But he noticeably makes my mom happy. It’s now to the point where it’s basically I come home from school and she’ll be gone and there will be a $20 on the table with a note.
That kind of deal. So I wasn’t the most behaved kid. I was hardly supervised. That leads me to a few years later I’m now 18 and my mom’s partner is accusing me of stealing from his ‘change jar’. He’s moved in with us by now.
Well… I have not taken any changes. I don’t go near their room.
It started a huge ordeal and ended up with my mom taking his side and agreeing with him that I had to go. I was weeks away from graduation at this point…
so I moved back in with Dad (finally) and had to drive an hour to school every day for my last few weeks. It completely felt like since she had found her partner she completely abandoned me. At a very critical age nonetheless.
I was getting ready to start college. I was just so heartbroken. I did not speak to her until my junior year of college. My sister had a baby that fall and it brought us all together and we sort of made up.
Here we are years later. Mom’s married to her partner. Same guy and he really does take good care of her and we’re much closer than we were. Not fishing buddies or anything but I can say what’s up and we’ll talk about sports.
Recently we were all together and drinking was involved and somehow I brought this up and told them I loved them but I would never forgive them. Mom got really upset and her husband was mad at me and just kept saying ‘you gotta get over it’.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. ‘You gotta get over it’ is the phrase people pull out when they don’t want to take responsibility for their own actions and want to put blame on the person they harmed. Your mom’s partner wrongly accused you and, as a result, caused you harm in your life.
An apology from them would go a long way as opposed to them trying to put everything on your shoulders.
If your mother were really upset, then perhaps she should try to make amends as opposed to just laying on the guilt.
It’s a sign that she cares only for herself and not for you.
And, no, you do not have to get over it.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom had issues and projected them onto you as a kid, and then allowed her new man to treat you poorly and decided to give up being a mom in favor of a new life, that’s happened so much more commonly, it doesn’t get any less disgusting every time I hear a story like this.
Your mom needs to grow up and either apologize or get off the pot. You’re grown now and obviously have your own life, good for you. You’re allowed to hold onto something that severely affected you because it was your mom.
She should be lucky You’re even talking to her at all!” usingmynoodle
Another User Comments:
“Nope. To get forgiveness, you have to acknowledge, apologize, show remorse, and change your behavior.
Now, getting over it doesn’t have to come with forgiveness, but it doesn’t have anything to do with making your mother and her husband comfortable either.
You have every right to speak the truth. Getting over it is more about finding a way to allow yourself to heal, not allowing people to hide their bad actions and pretend along with them. This is how mistreatment is perpetuated generation after generation.
We are taught from infancy that we mustn’t make other people uncomfortable or hurt their feelings. And telling them your truth was brave, and hopefully a step closer to healing for you.
We adults always tell our kids that actions have consequences.
Your pain and how you perceive them because of it is a consequence of their actions. You have no obligation to hide that.
NTJ” HoneyWyne
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ. Mom’s partner/husband is.
He accused you of stealing change to get you out of the house.
He wanted you gone and your mom all to himself. Chances are your mom caved to his pressure to keep this man happy. But she has had sad regrets ever since.
Forgive your mother. Her life has not been easy. It may not be even now.
Recognize this man as a selfish manipulator, so weak that he forced a child out of her home and away from her mother.
See the two as humans with frailties that you must be aware of, but get rid of the anger. The anger is hurting YOU. I am so sorry you have gone through this.” Vegetable_Cloud_337
2. AITJ For Confronting My Mom About Having Favorites?
“I (36F) was told by several relatives for years now that my parents’ favoritism over my elder brother Raj (40M) is too obvious and that I should react to it. My mother being the most obvious in her behaviors. Although I would acknowledge that they sometimes prioritize my brother’s needs over mine, it never really bothered me to be honest.
Because I knew since a very young age what I wanted in life and I knew how to get what I wanted through work and autonomy. This means I rarely needed family assistance with school, my studies, with my job, and now with my two girls, Fran (13F) and Fanny (10F).
My brother, on the other hand, needed the assistance and the attention, especially now that he has 3 kids and that he has to live away from his family half the year, alternating 5 days on-site and 4 days home, every week, for years.
Raj’s 3 kids can hardly cope with his repeated absence and his wife is the kind of mother who’d rather go out at night partying rather than staying home with the kids. This also means that the kids are often overnighted at my parents’ place when my brother is away.
My parents’ life almost solely evolves around their 3 grandchildren and they often forget my children when giving treats or when picking the kids up at school for example, arguing that my life is well organized and then I don’t need help, but Raj does.
All 5 of their grandchildren go to the same school and today, because it was raining and most people were stuck in traffic – including me and apparently, my brother too – they picked up my brother’s kids from school and my mother called me on the phone to advise me that I should make sure my husband picks up my kids because they are busy picking up Raj’s kids.
My husband Joe (40M) got upset and immediately threw me an ultimatum. Either I confront my mother, or he does and if he does, he said he wouldn’t mince his words, damned be the consequences.
Under such pressure, I called my mother and told her it made me sad that my daughters never make it to their priority list and that I don’t care about my brother’s issues anymore because all I want for them is to balance the attention since this clearly is a situation of favoritism.
My mother is not used to my being confrontational because I rarely am. I heard from my father later during the day that she ended up having breathing issues and that her blood pressure spiked after too much crying, and that she is unwell and emotionally shattered.
After hearing that, I started to regret my action. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your mother truly had issues breathing and blood pressure, it was probably an anxiety attack, basically her conscience telling her she is guilty of very poor behavior toward her daughter and granddaughters.
I know your husband kind of pushed you to do this, and that is probably giving you conflicting feelings. You know there is obvious favoritism of your brother from a young age that has continued into adulthood and extended to all of the grandchildren.
Your husband sees it, other family members have mentioned it too but should be calling out your mother. But the big question is, do you want your daughters to see the favoritism of their cousins? Is calling this out to your mother going to change anything? Is it too late if she did change?” jerseygirl0710
Another User Comments:
“YTJ: Your parents are ‘favoring’ your brother.
They just seem to be the only people who care about these kids since the mother and father don’t seem to be there for them.
Instead of you noticing your niece and nephew basically don’t have a mother and father you’re complaining that they don’t pick up your kids.
The difference is it sounds like either way your kids will have you or your husband be there for them. Sadly your niece or nephews don’t have that kind of parents in their life.
Why not attack your brother and his wife for being crap parents.” ImpossibleHand5086
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She is only sad because she finally got called out on his blatant favoritism.
Now the choice is yours…you still going to have her walk all over you with their emotional blackmail? Or are you going to be a good mother and not subject your children to the favoritism you were subjected to?
It’s great that you were strong, doesn’t mean your children are. It doesn’t mean your children are stupid and don’t see that they get treated differently than their cousins. Now step up as a mother and protect them from your own parents.” Vegetable-Bee-7545
1. WIBTJ If I Don't Eat The Food My Coworker Made?
“I (28F) am expecting my first baby and I’m so grateful that my work is throwing me a baby shower. I was especially excited that they had planned to have one of my coworkers make taco bowls which are her specialty and my absolute favorite.
Truthfully this coworker and I have never gotten along all that well (nothing crazy, we just don’t have much in common) so I was pretty pleasantly surprised that she was even coming let alone making food. The shower is tomorrow.
I found out today from another coworker that the woman who’s making the food will be charging $20/bowl and they need to be pre-ordered right away so she knows how many to make, and by ‘I found out today’ I mean I literally found out right now at 8 pm.
Apparently, this was decided a few days ago because her family has fallen on some hard times so she decided to make the bowls as a fundraiser.
I have not said yes or no. Honestly, I feel a little selfishly annoyed that I have to pre-order and pay for food at my own shower, and I don’t even know if I can order this late in the game when I only just found out.
I get that it’s rough times right now but I can’t justify $20 for a burrito bowl even if it is for a good cause. If it matters, there will be other food there (it was an appetizer/snack kind of shower other than the bowls).
So, WIBTJ if I declined to buy the food my coworker made for my shower, or do I suck it up and shell out the $20 (they ARE delicious)?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. NTJ, definitely.
I just DON’T UNDERSTAND how people are so comfortable making everything about themselves.
This is YOUR baby shower, not a fundraising opportunity for her.
How can anyone think that it’s okay to price tag a TACO BOWL for $20? It’s honestly just embarrassing and tacky. I’m literally embarrassed and I’m not even there. LOL.
If I were you, I would first try to have a mature conversation with her and very clearly tell her that no, you will not be paying $20 per bowl.
You mentioned in another comment that there are 10 people coming. Even if she is cooking, $20 per bowl is a crazy amount. Are you ready to shell out $200 on taco bowls?
You also said that there will be other food, so please reconsider and decide if you even need taco bowls.
There are many other places you can get taco bowls if that is a specific food you want.” Frosty-Blackberry-14
Another User Comments:
“She put you in a tough spot, usurping your event, and not giving people notice that she’s only doing it for pay in the first place.
She’s a jerk for sure.
I don’t think you’d be a jerk if you didn’t pay (and hence not eat one), but the optics in an office place are going to look bad, particularly since this event is for you. Think less about ‘jerk’ and more about ‘I have to work with these people for how many years?’
NTJ, but choose carefully, with consideration of the consequences.” FishScrumptious
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but honestly, order one.
If they are delicious, they’re delicious. You’re going to be benefiting from your coworkers’ generosity – kind of fair to extend some too. You’re obv getting lots more than $20 in gifts.
Yeah, it’s questionable but honestly… it’s a bit much to expect COLLEAGUES to buy you a baby gift, too.
Even if they are offering, obv there are ppl who are doing so out of social obligation and would probably rather just not.
Like what if they have already had their kids or plan not to? How is that fair?
If they aren’t close enough to go to friends and a family shower… they’re work friends.” OLAZ3000
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